#idk man i just think more ppl should be taking note of the decision to change

[reanimatedgh0ul]

glad to see ppl are appreciating and/or enjoying the gay and trans aspects of nimona's story but ngl i kinda want to see more ppl acknowledge and/or discussing the fact that both of the leading men are asian and how that is relevant to overall message of this movie actually

[rollercoasterwords]

I have been going thru canon compliant wolfstar fics oldest to newest (like back to og wolfstar of the early 00) bc I’m a masochist 😋 🤞 and I’ve definitely noticed the shift in the way the majority of writers tag their fics. It’s interesting to see how much more frequently ppl use tags to begin with. Writers already make the conscious decision to warn ppl throughly about what it’s in their fics thru tags, and i honestly don’t think people should ever need to add need tw beyond tags sorry not sorry. I certainly don’t think everyone will agree with me, but sometimes I don’t want to know ever major plot point that in a chapter (which is why I usually skip them, but it’s hard bc I love reading the authors notes) Just read the tags, test it out if needed, and dip if it’s too much 🫠

yeahhhhh whenever i read older fics there really aren't like. warnings on each ch. bc tags are just assumed to be sufficient. which makes sense to me!!

and like i'm sympathetic to people who want tws--i'm someone who frequently spoils shit for myself bc i wanna know what happens, especially with like horror movies and stuff where i wanna know if i can stomach it. but it's about taking responsibility for ur own reading experience, y'know? like if i'm reading a fic and it gets to be too much for me, i just...stop reading. and accept the fact that the fic is not for me.

and from a writer perspective, it's like....on my longer fics i've tried to give a heads-up in ch notes, bc when i entered the fandom i got the impression that was the norm. but doing that takes extra time and work, and i don't always know what someone might find triggering. and like, if people reach out politely and ask me to add a tw for something that didn't occur to me, i'm usually happy to do so!

but like. idk man. when i was writing this cowboy fic i was just like....i do not feel like combing back through these chapters and trying to add in-depth warnings on every ch in addition to what i've already put in the tags lol. and now i'm writing a zombie fic, and even though i've tagged it for like gore and violence and blood and injury and it is literally a zombie apocalypse au, i still feel this sense of pressure to put notes at the beginning of chs, because so many people seem to just expect that!

anyway it's up to every writer individually to decide how many warnings they wanna put on a fic, but i definitely do wish that there was a way to like....backtrack to a time when the norm was gratitude for the fact that fics on ao3 even have tags in the first place + a sense that everyone is responsible for their own reading experience, rather than this sense of entitlement some people seem to have where they expect detailed warnings on every single ch :/

[violenceenthusiast]

Ask from trans Dean getting male body headcanon, I'm trans too and I guess it's like that fic debate about how some trans people like more serious fic that are more realistic? And some more, myself included, the fantasy not like real life way such as magic person casts spell or shapeshifter ( oh jeez are all shapeshifters in spn trans?? God I wish that were me)

Like if I woke up with my ideal body and as long as i still looked like me to others (it's magic I'm bending it) it would be dead cool, so I imagine Dean as being like me

Although I would push against your male female argument bc like there is a difference like if you've a female body you can get female organ specific issues like idk ovarian cysts? But I get what you mean the only place male and female labels makes a difference when it comes to medicine really imho

But yeah magic angel bf take my boobs there's only good for holding my phone up in bed

this seemed like the day to finally get to this ask. 

i don’t mean this in a normative way at all, just factually, being trans does not preclude you (or me, or anyone) from holding harmful/cissexist opinions about transness and/or saying harmful things. and rhetorically i think language is powerful and can do a lot of work on how we think about things (just like the reverse is true. it’s a cyclical thing to me). so i’m hardline against “male/female body” terminology, like i said in the last ask i think that rather men (trans and cis alike) then have male bodies and same for women.

but also scientifically the view is flawed, if only for the fact that it doesn’t take into consideration intersex people, let alone all the other reasons. like. even if we were to classify “male bodies” as “people born with penis/external testes/prostate, and without vulva/vagina/uterus/ovaries”, first of all yuck why, and second of all even that is not even a particularly cohesive category medically speaking? and with cis men and cis women, the statistical variation within groups is just as large as the variation between groups? it’s all a bimodal distribution yk!! like. there are tendencies true of given groups but at anything below that macro level is useless, AND for a given thing being said, while it’s technically true of group A, it’s dishonest to pretend like it isn’t true for a large part of group B too! and again there’s always gonna be those in the middle of that distribution- trying to force those ppl to one side or the other of the distribution is lazy first and ill-advised second because in doing so we would miss so much truth about what it means to be human? like literally just missing out on so much data to collapse what is in truth a range of values into two categories, 0 or 1. i truly do not get the need for M/F at all (this is not an invite for randos to try and come find the one hyper-specific situation where they think actually the distinction is needed don’t you know)

also (sigh sharing about myself to get my point across as always but.) on a basic level like. i have a genetic marker that predisposes me to breast and ovarian cancers, i am acutely aware of my body’s medical realities. but anyone who calls my body “female” is getting decked. that is simply not what’s going on here. if i get top surgery, my risk for breast cancer is still gonna be more than that of the average cis man, and my risk level will go down for me but what’s my risk level compared to an average cis woman then? also like i’m on testosterone so what does that do to the categories’ meanings? what category does my mom go in if she’s had an oophorectomy and a hysterectomy? defining such categories based on physical traits is messy and misguided at best, pointless and harmful at worst.

and to bring it back around to spn i’m still like. i think there IS a lot of yummy trans body magic wrapped up in the angel power lore. but i hold that there should be choice in that? like a storyline where cas offers to change dean’s body (change!! not “fix”!!!!! you didn’t say that i’m just generally noting the distinction bc i see that a lot!!), or where dean asks cas for that..... those hold SO much power. but a cas that just changes dean’s body around in big ways without his consent or involvement in the decision.. idk it icks me out generically and feels ooc for cas for me specifically. because cas is so about free will, rebellion, finding divinity in humanity and in choice/self-determination, and cas is genderfucked too so like. idk i really feel like cas sees dean’s soul in hell and it’s Self Recognition Through The Other time. like abstractly i agree that it’s enticing to think about waking up the way you want to be like magic. it’d be nice to skip on the rough realities of what it would take to get there, if possible at all. but actually thinking about that literally happening?? and not knowing it was gonna happen?? i think it’d be fucked up. 

[larentsaloud]

Lawless F4 x Gorya

Life is funny for someone who thinks of himself as grand, like he has got all the stars in the palm of his hand, but when he meets you his small world becomes large and more beautiful. 

We’ve learned to feel pain, sorrow and have grown because of it. Most importantly you show me how to love, 

It’s funny my whole world has changed because of a one small girl - you. 

The opening is so poignant. I want to make a list of transgressions and crimes F4 accumulated against Gorya, so that we don’t forget because it’s so easy to get lost in the dreamy eyes of one puppy (Thyme) ™️

Gorya explains the world that she inhabits as:

There is an old stadium with no CCTV where no phones are allowed. 

No phones, no evidence. 

You get summoned with a red card and in front of those most influential people. 

Well, one such guy attempted to get justice, but what happens? He recorded what F4 does and wanted to expose them. Incredible to think Gorya will challenge them, knowing fully well ALL of this. 

Even more astounding that she has the bravery to put herself out there, while on scholarship and well aware she can be destroyed within a split second and her whole family. 

And yet she risked it all for a snake friend. 

See, the way Thyme reacts to the boy challenging him in complexity different to the way he reacts to a girl. IDK why, I'm going to guess he takes issues with physical violence against women. Like he is a brat, but I'm choosing to believe he would not willingly lay a hand on a girl. He does it though through his actions, when he gives her the red card and when he asks the school to bully her out. 

That is menace king shit. Nasty. 

Let’s not forget that Ren is PART of all that dynamic. He participates in this, even by proxy. The fact is that Ren helps her out on several occasions and has a good guy vibe all throughout until he doesn't if you know what I mean. 

What irks me, is that Ren never openly says we need to stop this, we need to not give people red cards anymore. Does Mira know about their sick games? Would the Queen of justice stand for this shit? I think not. 

But here we are, at the end of episode 2 and Thyme is asking quite rightly:

Why are you helping her? 

I gave this girl a red card.

It is obvious to me that Ren is enjoying Gorya disrupting and causing waves, but he lack the initiative to pursue what he is attracted to. Note he is attracted to Mira and Gorya because they both have clear view of the world, decisiveness and are both kind and open minded. 

Ren, if he was the man we would want him to be for Gorya in order to be worthy of her; should have fought for Gorya harder in the beginning. 

He watches with intrigue and is that speculator figure in everything, even in his own life. 

It’s not until Gorya confronts him he actually starts realising he is being a mere observer of his own life and pursues Mira. 

The way he responds to Gorya is lot more violent that I would have liked. 

He physically pushes her and while Thyme has waged a war on her and has done many bad to questionable things so far, the one thing I will give him: he has not been violent with her. Granted, he abducted her to give her a make over in exchange for an apology. 

But there is something petty about Ren the way he responds when challenged. 

He doesn't take the feedback well and I do not like his aggression. 

For someone who plays the cool, detached character there is a LOT of pent up anger behind that fake ass smile facade. 

I am making this post, because there seems to some big ass misconception that Ren is a good guy, or ppl shipping her with Gorya, as if he actually did anything worthwhile. 

Guys. 

I know that the thing happened and he helped her. 

That was basic human decency. 

Come on. 

We are not going to clap him for drawing a line at s/a.

Surely? 

To sum it up:

Ren is not a good guy

Thyme is not a good guy 

Neither deserve her right now. (Ep 6 just aired)

[oatmealcookie02]

Choi’s parents (headcanons based on some game facts~)

NOTE! I’m not trying to justify twins’ mother’s actions; i’m trying to find a reason why she became like this. Please, don’t abuse your children^^

“CM” - Mother Choi (i don’t wanna use “MC” xD) “PM” - Prime Minister (their dad)

We know almost nothing about CM - we can only suggest that her hair is red (bc PM’s hair is shown to be different color), which is a really rare hair color (*laughs in V*). That fact made me think that CM might’ve been a foreigner. 

I imagine her being that typical young and naive girl who thought that she’ll find a place in live and bright future by moving in different country. That decision would probably upset her family (if she had one) and make them being in bad relashionship with her (if they weren’t already).

Now to the soon-to-be prime minister. You know, I really doubt that PM would bang just any call-girl (that would be dangerous for his reputation - he already has family; also he would’ve hired professionals, who wouldn’t get pregante that easily) and he DEFINETLY hadn’t sex just with some random alcoholic psycho woman.  That’s why I think that PM could’ve meet CM at work - you know, basic set up, a boss and their assistant. 

He’s a handsome and charming accomplished man, she’s a beautiful, exotic (idk her nationality but if she did had red hair...), and very naive young woman. PM is super cunning (i mean, he is a politician) so it would probably take just a couple of weeks flirting for CM to fall for him. PM planned just a quick affair but whoops she got pregnant.

As someone naive she just told PM about this “problem”, hoping to resolve it somehow; the best way for PM to deal with it would be just killing CM - she’s alone, no family or good friends, no one will think about it much. But CM somehow learned about it or just managed to escape the trap; either way, she tried to hide.

She felt heartbroken but she still decided to keep the child. Maybe she tried to prove something to herself, maybe an abortion was against her morals, maybe she just tried to be optimistic; but she took the courage, found some underpaid job (she still had to hide from PM so being officially employed would be dangerous for her). She started to save money, found some cheap house, and was preparing for a baby but whoops buy one - get one for free! You got twins, baby!

Even if she had what one child needed, she couldn’t afford two of them! But what other choice does she have now? She had to try to raise two babies.

Of course, she had to quit her job - there’s no way you can work having two infants alone. Raising children is expensive, hiring nanny is expensive, living is expensive. And since she couldn’t find a job, the only way to get money was to manipulate PM. CM probably thought that once kids grow up a bit and she’ll be able to work she’ll stop this at once, but... that never happened.

Poverty, hunger, constant stress, loneliness, paranoya (bc of possibility that PM will find them), postpartum depression, all that couldn’t but effect CM’s mental health. She tried her best raising kids, she loved them of course, but she was becoming more and more unstable. Eventually (i think at twins’ age of 2-3) she began to drink alcohol, sometimes throw a tantrum at her kids. A few years later she lost her mind completely, starting to abuse them and constantly being drunk.

Why I think that she wasn’t like that from the start? Once again, PM wouldn’t get so close with a crazy woman. Also the twins wouldn’t survive that long if she was beating them from the start. 

More then that, if a baby is being raised without love&care then it’s a very high possibility that they’ll grow up underdeveloped and slow in mind; twins, however, have amazing mental capacities. Also, without someone to talk to them, their social skills wouldn’t be so good when they were 5-6 (we had a flashback from 15 years ago). //this is based on things i learned at my kids psychology classes in uni//

They might not remember this due to being very young or getting trauma from all of this; but I really think that their mother did care about them from the start. 

She could’ve get rid of them long time ago; they could’ve die from not being watched enough. Also a few short facts:

- Saeran once says “I wish mom would hate me too, then I could’ve go outside with you” - CM probably guessed that weak Saeran won’t survive that long outside so she never sended him on arrands (like she did with Seven); - While she was screaming at Saeran (that he’s a bug; that this worls isn’t made for the outcasts like they are) it looked like she really was warning him. Well, of course she was drunk and mental, but I think she tried to explain to son how things work (from her point of view) in this world. She basically was teaching him to survive, saying that he should just accept his position and try not to get in troubles (which is again, wrong, but true from her point of view). - Again with Saeyoung going on arrands; how did he know where to go? She might have brought him with her to the shops and all when he was still young (or she just explained where the shops are really well).

I don’t think that there’re people who just born evil, I believe that ppl who does evil things were just poorly raised or had lots of troubles in life, that’s why I tried to understand CM. 

Also, it does kinda sound like something Cheritz would make canon xD

Anyway! Thank you so much for reading this! It was really hard to write for me (since i suck at english) but I wanted to share my headcanons^^ If you have your headcanons on this topic and opinions, please comment (here, or in twitter, or in insta), it’ll be very interesting to know your position!

Thanks again and have a nice day!

[equalseleventhirds]

if you want to talk about hades town you can do so on this because i am very much interested in your thoughts about it!

fdsfjdskfds oh anon i am at Work and when i get out of work i will be Homework but......... listen. listen.

(ok a lot of this i’ve already rambled abt in my hadestown tag but. BUT). i got into hadestown pre-broadway, which means i listened to the original cast recording from 2017 a BUNCH. and while i adore both version, there were... changes. which i feel did orpheus a disservice, and the overarching plot a disservice, but in some ways treated eurydice better by filling her out more and making her more of a revolutionary. 

anyway, i defos don’t have time for a full song-by-song comparison, and also some of the songs available for the broadway version never made it onto the release of the 2017 version, not bcos they weren’t in the show, just bcos.... idk they weren’t released? weren’t recorded? i do not pretend to know the inner workings of the music industry.

BUT of note: the major changes to epic ii. in the original, orpheus was mocking of hades (’king of a kingdom of dirt’ yo), while in the broadway version, orpheus is just singing abt hades and persephone’s history. epic iii also removes that like, ‘a king who loves everythign like a hammer loves the nail’ and ‘he comes down heavy and hard on us’, so it’s MUCH less about the workers’ resentment of hades and just. about hades and persephone.

btw fuckin miss me with that narrative abt orpheus solving global warming by reminding the ruling class that they’re in love with each other? like, i’m sure that’s more appealing to ur standard can-afford-broadway audience, and as a LOVE story it’s cool, but. just not a good lesson actually. 

also ‘living it up on top’ completely cuts out his ‘why would a man of his own free will go to work all day in the mine and the mill’ which is, y’know, callous when considering the people (like, later, eurydice) driven to work for hades, but is TARGETED at hades, who for real does not NEED to work the way he does. miss that....

we also, throughout the broadway version, get a LOT of hermes speaking for orpheus. in the original, ‘come home with me’ is orpheus convincing eurydice, while the broadway version has hermes telling her that orpheus will make her feel alive. ‘living it up on top’ also changes from persephone speaking directly to orpheus and letting him take up the ‘bless this round’ bit, to having hermes volunteer him. blah blah ‘under my wing’ blah, but having a god (again, member of the ruling class, even if this one’s helpful) speak for him? when we have a version where he speaks for himself? come ON. i am not a fan of orpheus being made helpless! let him make his decisions! let his voice be one of persuasion even BEFORE he goes to the underworld!

(this also ties into my personal take that as a demigod, the son of a muse--and you know how those muses are--orpheus’ carelessness is what originally loses him eurydice. he does not care about eating through the winter, he’s never had to worry about that bcos hermes looks after him, while eurydice has had a harsh life and knows they DO need to worry. art is all well and good, but it is also important to care for the people in your life. it’s later, when orpheus loses eurydice and must venture into the harshness of the underworld, meets the workers/the wall and has to find SOLIDARITY with them in order to stand up to hades, that he finally recognizes the value of working with others to create a better life for all. in this essay i)

i also rly miss the original ‘promises’ bcos like, while orpheus & eurydice as always-in-love is sweet, i really enjoyed the fighty version where they are both resentful & angry abt broken promises, and both acknowledge that what they originally claimed to want from the other & give to one another was both unrealistic and not what they actually wanted, eventually coming to a conclusion that was more based on reality. like. communication resulting in a healthier relationship after dealing with unrealistic expectations.... we stan.

now that i’ve gone over how i think the original was better, i did still LIKE the broadway version, and there were some improvements! most notable, eurydice’s stronger role as like, an active revolutionary (or attempted one, anyway) rather than a more passive rescue.

i genuinely adored the change of ‘anyway the wind blows’ from an intro song by the fates to eurydice singing (with the fates backing her up/singing in her ear), bcos it sets up eurydice as an average sufferer of the world the gods made, and lets us hear it in her voice, her experience, and her opinions. she is the one to say weather ain’t the way it was before--and when we later get persephone telling us ‘some might say the weather ain’t the way it used to be’, she’s dismissing eurydice’s suffering (and the suffering of all humans), bcos she’s more concerned with her own issues with hades than with how she’s impacted the world.

(also the changes made had some Interesting Implications abt persephone’s complicity in that whole ‘keep your head low’ thing, that i think is p cool, actually? like afaik the 2017 version didn’t have ‘no spring/no fall’ going on, so the fact that the broadway one DOES and yet keeps her having spring flowers & autumn leaves only to the ppl in the underworld when she arrives.... inch resting. something something the ruling class provides ‘charity’ of resources people should already have as a reward for ‘good behavior’ something.)

eurydice at the beginning is isolated. she falls in love with orpheus and decides to stay with him, but even them being together does not mean he understands her, or values the same things she does. this is evident in both versions, but in the broadway version, when eurydice goes to the underworld, she does something interesting; she tries to introduce herself to the other workers. now, i never saw the 2017 version in full, only heard the album, but in the album she signs the papers and is rejoicing that she’s ‘free’ and has to be told that she isn’t. she doesn’t really speak to the other workers, beyond this exchange about ‘freedom’. in the broadway version, she’s dejected--she did what she had to do. she knows that’s what the other workers did. and she goes to talk to them about it, bcos in spite of where they are, she wants to create a connection with her fellow workers (building solidarity! my girl!!) (also interesting: at the start of the show. she’s alone. she’s always been alone. she sings about how people always turn on you and she’s better off alone before she meets orpheus, but even after she has to leave him, she tries to make a connection with other people. oh...... character development, we love it.) she doesn’t SUCCEED, but she TRIES. which may be important in why they choose to follow HER later.

now we come to chant (reprise), wait for me (reprise), and doubt comes in, the BEST revolutionary eurydice songs in the ENTIRE show. in the 2017 version these were mostly orpheus-focused (and altho i miss the ‘he said he’s shelter us/he said he’d harbor me’ parallels from the 2017 version of chant ii, the company singing with eurydice & orpheus about ‘if i raise my voice, if i raise my head’ fucks SO HARD). eurydice sings with the workers as they’re revolting, and when they walk out of hadestown, the workers follow her. (they don’t follow orpheus, even tho that’s who eurydice is following; ‘if she can do it so can we’. she’s one of them. she’s the one they’re following. can you BELIEVE). eurydice also gets to echo (louder, stronger, and using our instead of my) orpheus’s fantastic fucking ‘i hear the walls repeating the falling of my feet and it sounds like drumming’ bit, with the workers giving her backup. god. so fucking good.

and then, again, i never saw the 2017 version, but ‘doubt comes in’ in that one is still melancholy even on eurydice’s parts; she’s hopeful, but she’s alone, entirely relying on orpheus to lead her. i did get to see the broadway version (and bro.... the production value on that.... the LIGHTS first of all, the LIGHTING, and this song in particular? all dark when orpheus sings so you can’t see eurydice, and then cut to eurydice in lights with the workers following? MY DUDE.) and eurydice’s bits in this song are triumphant. she is sure they will get out, she is dancing and turning back to the workers as she sings she is right behind him (they sing back: we are right behind you). she is following him and sure of him, and she is with the workers and they are with her.

which is part of why ‘sing it again’ does so little for me, actually? like, orpheus had his chance, and he fucked it up, and yes it’s a beautiful story and we want to think he’d do it right, but this is nothing like the end, and singing it again leaves no way to move forward. eurydice led the workers! she gave them her name, she made them care, she was their beacon of hope and what they could become (compare to their previous beacon of hope, persephone, who shows up once a year and sells them remnants of their former lives and does not try to lead them out bcos she’s too caught up in her own anger). eurydice did not make it out with orpheus, but i HAVE to imagine that she and the workers got that taste of freedom, that taste of memory, that taste of solidarity, and would not just forget it again. it becomes more than a love story, it becomes about eurydice’s position of solidarity with the other mortals (something orpheus almost gets, but fails due to insecurity and inexperience and being the outside-savior rather than one of them). and obvs that doesn’t work with the original orpheus and eurydice myth, but listen...... let them bother hades after the end. let them fucking unionize. pls it would be so GOOD i am just! i am just!!

[irene-sadler]

Sir Reynard and the Red Knight

(aka 'The Tournament')

special notes:

the vibe i chose for this imaginary fair/holiday is a mashup of pieces from medieval christmas and new year's eve celebrations. ofc as I mentioned before most of those were Christianity-based, but some of them had a distintly pre-Christian Anglo-Saxon pagan flavor. now my source material here is from 1827, but the author makes sure to let us know which traditions (he thinks) are older than Christianity. the book (books actually, there's 3 of them total) itself is also kind of a fun read, it's sort of a combo of an almanac/calendar/reference guide/gossip column.

a n y w a y, so, specifically i want to mention (b/c i stole them for this story and i don't want to do that without letting ppl know these are or were real traditions that real people observed) serving a boars' head on christmas day (Essex, England, observed "from time immemorial"), the wassail bowl/toast (a new year custom very definitely from before Christianity and apparently present in various parts of Europe altho I don't have the specific expertise to explain why), and an interesting/weird/gruesome Christmas parade (Kent) which the book describes: "A party of young people procure the head of a dead horse, which is affixed to a pole about four feet in length, a string is tied to the lower jaw, a horse cloth is then attached to the whole, under which one of the party gets, and by frequently pulling the string keeps up a loud snapping noise." This is called a Hodening and whether or not ppl still do it I don't know but, uh, i hope so b/c awesome.

also theres only 1 chapter left if u stuck with it this whole time or, idk, it's 2024 and u read the whole thing at once thanks for bothering love u

----

9.

     “Yes, hello,” Gascon said, pretending not to notice Meve’s displeasure. “Good afternoon, ladies,” he added, as the Baroness and Giselle turned to look curiously down at where he stood in the shadows. The Baroness frowned and pursed her lips judiciously; Giselle considered him and glanced uncertainly at the older women.

    “Anyway,” he continued, an edge of urgency buried in his easy tone, “Do you have a minute to spare?”

    “No,” the Queen said stiffly, turning back toward the empty lists. “I’m busy; whatever it is will have to wait until later.”

    “Oh,” he replied, growing very faintly annoyed, “Because it’s about that thing you wanted last night; just thought you’d be interested t’ know I’ve done it.”

    She hesitated, ignoring the Baroness’s raised eyebrow and Giselle’s uncomfortable confusion, struggled momentarily between curiosity and base pettiness, and finally said, “Yes, fine; I have a few minutes, I suppose.”

    “Fifteen minutes,” the Baroness said, pointedly.

    “No time to waste, then,” said Gascon; he winked at Giselle, who took her cue from the Baroness and frowned disapprovingly back at him, and they hurried off.

    “So, what is it, then?” Meve asked bluntly, as they turned into the town’s streets at a rapid stroll. “I assume you’ve caught the saboteur, else you wouldn’t have bothered me.”

    “Well, I caught Gaheris; he may be the saboteur, or may not,” Gascon said, disregarding her tone. “Gaspar thinks he is, though, and he’s th’ only one who saw th’ intruder close up last night, so odds are good he’s your man.”

    “Really?” She abandoned her moodiness in favor of mild surprise, and then asked, “When did this happen?”

    “Oh, only about an hour ago. Less, even. Seemed like there was no real need for a public scene, so I just had him snatched off the street and, you know - stashed somewhere convenient,” Gascon explained, leading the way down an alley and into a butcher. The owner nodded and smiled to him as he passed through the door and headed toward the back, spotted the Queen, and instantly looked away at nothing in particular. Pug and Gaspar waited in the yard behind the shop, standing guard over a man with a bag on his head and a bandage around his left ankle. Gascon nodded at Pug and she yanked the bag away; Gaheris squinted in the light and surveyed his surroundings - two large, brightly interested pigs in a pen, his sinister pair of captors, and, finally, Meve and Gascon. He sighed.

    “Got ‘im in one piece, as you wanted,” Pug announced in her gruff voice; a dubious claim, as Gaheris had a black eye and a split lip, but Gascon nodded approvingly and jerked his thumb over his shoulder, toward the shop.

    “Wait inside for a bit,” he said; Pug and Gaspar departed, leaving their captive to his deserved fate.

    “Now, sir,” Meve said briskly to Gaheris; if she had any doubts about his culpability, she kept them firmly to herself. “Let’s not waste time with falsehoods or denials.”        

    “No,” he said, resignedly, “Doesn’t seem to be much point in trying.”

    “Quite. So, explain what it is you’ve been up to, then.”

    “Start with last night,” Gascon added, as the squire took a few too many seconds to think it over. “Hurry up.”

    “Ah, well. I was trying to get hold of a piece of equipment I knew was among Sir Odo’s things in the barn,” he said. “The girth from a saddle.”

    “Continue,” the Queen said, as he paused, clearly thinking the question answered.

    “Well, obviously I didn’t get it, since that - that thug sliced my ankle t’ the bone when I tried. Seems the girth held up, though, regardless, through today; probably because Sir Odo don’t take many hits, luckily for him.”

    “No, it’s because I found it last night and changed it out for a new one,” Gascon said, angrily. “You’re the one who cut it, are you?”

    Gaheris nodded.

    “I knew it,” the Duke muttered; Meve waved his self-congratulatory comment away, scowling.

    “When did you do it?”

    “Oh, a month ago, or more,” he said. “Just before the duel against Sir Holt.”

    “Why?”

    He blinked at the question and said, as if it was obvious, “Because Sir Holt told me to, in hopes he’d win.”

    “You did a bad job, then,” Gascon snapped; Gaheris looked mildly offended.

    “No,” he said. “No, I didn’t. The girth held, did it not? Sir Odo won - or, well he could have, if he’d wanted to.”

    He looked at his interrogators’ baffled stares, and then explained, patiently, “Look - I cut through the leather, left just enough to hold a strain for a good while, glued it so it’d look like nothing, and told Holt I’d done what he wanted. Simple. I just didn’t have the chance to get it back, after the fight; too many people hanging around who might’ve seen me. If I had done, nobody would have been the wiser.”

    Meve stared at him, torn between confusion and anger, opened her mouth, and closed it again as an echo of distant horns bounced off the buildings.

    “Damn,” she said. “I have to go. Gascon, find Sir Holt.”

    “What should I do with him?” he asked, as she turned to leave; she hesitated, considered her options, and came to a hasty decision.

    “Just keep tabs on him, don’t let him leave town, and - and we’ll sort this mess out, later.”

    “You’ll find him in the tavern, no doubt,” Gaheris said wearily to Gascon, as she quickly departed.

      She nearly ran back through the streets, but she was still late; she returned to the lists to find the Baroness had started the final round without her. However, she she was in time to see Nolda avoid an immediate defeat by the same method she had used on Sir Eres, but Reynard survived her trick, when his fellow knight hadn’t. She nodded in satisfaction at the display.

    “Your man is a quick study, as he’s always been,” said the Baroness, as if Meve had never been away. The next pass involved no deceptions from either side, nor any displays of brilliance; Nolda blocked an ordinary sort of attack on her shield, and never touched Sir Odo.

    “He’s testing the waters,” Meve said, slightly bored with her favorite’s typically cautious tactics. “How long have they been at it?”

    “You only missed one pass; the foreigner’s better at this than I expected.”

    “She’s tricky,” Giselle noted, appreciatively. “What’s the Count doing, there?”

    There was a short pause; Meve glanced downfield and answered, “Oh, he wants a different lance, I imagine.”

    The delay took a full half minute, due to some confusion on Ethan’s part; the Baroness mumbled a displeased remark about the squire’s ineptitude, and then the combat began again.

    “He wants to make up for Nolda’s left-handedness,” the Baroness explained, louder, “That’s what the long spear is for. Most people don’t learn to fight the way she does -”

    She broke off; Reynard’s change of weapon had answered, and he had dealt a strike that had nearly unseated his opponent; she managed to stay in the saddle by luck or skill and they lined up again.

    “He has her figured out; this’ll be th’ end of it,” said Meve. The Baroness nodded agreement. Giselle looked unconvinced, but, in the end, Reynard landed a direct attack to his opponent’s helm and Nolda crashed to earth at long last.

    “A devilishly difficult play,” the Baroness said, in the silence that followed. “Dangerous, too.”

    Reynard had turned to look behind himself, before his horse had even reached the end of the barricade; Nolda lay still on the ground for a few moments, and then, as her husband vaulted the fence and came running toward her, stirred and sat up. She waved an irritated hand at Bohault and Reynard, who had trotted back and dropped from his horse as soon as he was rid of his lance, but neither paid attention to her gestures or her repeated insistence that she was perfectly fine. The crowd’s general din returned, drowning out their conversation; Meve breathed a relieved sigh and reluctantly turned her thoughts back to Gaheris and Sir Holt, and then - she frowned slightly - Gascon’s mysterious absence during the day.

    “Pity you can’t make her a knight,” Giselle said, of Nolda, interrupting her consideration; Meve’s frown grew thoughtful.

    “A knight,” she repeated to herself, under her breath, watching the muddle on the field break up - Reynard back to his horse, Bohault and Nolda to hers - a vague connection, or suspicion, growing in the back of her mind. She turned abruptly to the Baroness, interrupted an ongoing reminisce on the handful of times she’d seen another knight employ a tactic similar to Reynard’s winning strike, and said, “Listen, Hilde - the black knight; do you know who he is?”

    The Baroness hesitated, slightly confused, and replied, choosing her words carefully, “I believe so, but - wasn’t that what you and the Duke spoke about?”

    “No,” the Queen said, disgruntled. “No, it wasn’t.”      

    “Ah,” she said, looking away toward the approaching victors, “Well, perhaps you should. Count Odo, congratulations on another victory; well fought, Nolda. My lord, you’ve won quite a fine horse, I believe, and you, madam, a sword. They’ll be bringing them along shortly.”

      Any personal urgency she felt to finally sort out her ongoing affairs was wasted; the prizes took very little time to hand out, but a number of unrelated problems were brought to her individual attention as soon as the victors rode away. She sent Giselle back to her tavern with genuine gratitude for her service, dealt out various solutions, and then at last she and the Baroness set off toward the castle. The streets of the city were packed, twilight was setting in, and there was no way to hurry their progress no matter how their guard tried. A wagon that had lost a wheel blocked the way, first, and then a succession of other disruptions: a traveling comedic play about a sorcerer and some maidens, some cows wandering loose in the street, a troupe of drunken minstrels playing festive tunes, a strange procession led by a solemn youth holding a freshly cut horse’s head mounted on a pole as a banner, a group of offended clerics in its wake, handcarts selling buns and ale, and, finally, on the bridge over the castle moat, an armored knight still on his charger, who would not be shifted by man or beast until Meve stepped out of the torchlit crowd and threatened to remove him herself.

    Then there was yet another feast, this time held in the hall and attended by more of the usual crowd - but, of course, with the horde of knights and sundry that had participated in the jousts, somewhat more of them than normal. There were the typical, expected customs - a boar’s head served, bowls of spiced ale passed around, a number of favors and pardons bestowed, gifts received (and given; Count Odo, for one, courteously gave the warhorse he’d won earlier in the day to Nolda, who accepted it in a fiercely embarrassed but otherwise gracious fashion) - and various other ancient rituals observed.

    “I would’ve asked if you thought giving her the horse was a good idea,” Reynard said privately to the Queen, during the Mayor’s inevitable remarks, “But I didn’t catch you in time. If I’m honest it’s less a gift and more a bribe, of a sort; Ethan’s left-handed, same as her, and I thought it might make it easier to convince her to teach him.”

    “There were some delays getting back,” she replied, also in an undertone, her eyes resolutely fixed on the speaker as he recited a hopeful list of future developments for the upcoming year. “This whole afternoon’s been nothing but delays, in fact.”

    “I’ll tell you about it later,” she added, quickly, as the speech ended, aimed a quick but pointed glance at the distant Gascon, who immediately slipped out a side door, and then dismissed the court in the exact words she’d recited for ten years, and, before her, her late husband, and his father, and their distant grandfathers, for all of remembered history.

      Finally getting rid of her guests took much longer than the traditional close to the winter solstice did. As a result, it was past midnight before she made the solitary climb up the stairs to her office, looking forward to finally having a quiet minute to think. However, Reynard and Gascon - and Gaheris - were within, despite the late hour; the squire stopped in the middle of a sentence and all three men automatically turned her way when she stepped through the door. She waved an impatient hand at him to continue and leaned against her own desk, hiding her weariness behind a cold stare. Gaheris returned to repeating his confession; Reynard listened in silence, his expression drifting subtly between offense and genuine confusion. At the end, he frowned and asked, “You - pretended to sabotage my equipment? Why? Why not do it properly, I mean?”

    The squire shrugged.

    “It’s - listen; before I go on, you should know Holt’s an ass, and a stubborn one at that. Yes, I see you’ve all noticed. Well, I couldn’t dissuade him when th’ idea came into his fool head, but I’d no wish t’ see him win a fight by such a trick, against such an obviously superior opponent. It’s not right, and, also, would be easily seen through. What I did seemed the simplest solution.”

    “You could have refused,” Reynard pointed out; Gaheris smiled pityingly at him and shook his head. His response drew an exasperated comment from Meve.

    “You could have done nothing at all, and told him otherwise.”

    He frowned, again mildly offended.

    “I’m no liar,” he said. “If I can find any other solution, I mean. They say a half-truth’s better than a lie, don’t they?”

     Reynard blinked, considered, and then shook his head. Gascon shrugged his shoulders, grudgingly.

    “You’re clearly a capable man,” Meve said. “Why do you serve someone you know isn’t?”

    Gaheris shook his head again, helplessly.

    “Holt’s always been like this,” he explained, “Ever since he was a boy. He’s a decent fighter, but he’s too competitive for his own good, and he’s still not learned t’ pick his battles. However, he is my little brother - well, half-brother; my mother married Sir Ulrich after my father died. He was a stonemason,” he explained, seeing the Queen raise a questioning eyebrow, a gleam of challenge in his dark eyes. “His name was Gors.”

    When she failed to react to his admission, he continued:

    “Anyway, she wanted me t’ look after Holt, best I can. He isn’t a bad person, really, he just -”

    He shrugged.

    “He can’t help how he is, when he’s in a mood, and when he isn’t he’s not the worst of men, or the worst of nobles, for that matter. He’s never struck a knight who’s yielded, for one, and he’s not one to steal or run villainous among th’ yeomen. And, he’s all the family I got left,” he finally finished. Meve nodded and said nothing for a long moment; she noticed that he couldn’t have been any older than herself, but he briefly appeared gray and worn down. She was, to her mild irritation, somewhat sympathetic to his troubles. Gascon glanced from her icy frown to Gaheris’s tired stare, curiously. Reynard watched her carefully.

    “Keep him under guard,” she said to Gascon. “I’m not sure what to do with him or his brother, just yet. Wait - leave him on the landing; the guards there will look after him for the moment. I’ve another matter to discuss, before you go.”

      “He’s the black knight,” she said to Reynard, as Gascon stepped back in without his captive. “Did you know?”

    “No, of course not,” the Count said, frowning slightly. “Although, in truth, th’ idea has crossed my mind, but I found it - unlikely.”

    Gascon hesitated, then shrugged, grinned broadly, and said, “You caught me at last, m’lady; how’d you figure it?”

    “The Baroness it was that discovered you, not me,” Meve said, crossing her arms stubbornly; she attempted to appear angry, but in the end managed only mild, slightly amused, annoyance. “Also, she appears to have found me out, as well, incidentally. In fact, there seems to be very little she doesn’t know.”

    “She’s uncommonly sharp, no doubt about it,” Gascon agreed, readily.

    “So,” she continued, “Is there anything at all to be gained by asking you what you were doing, today?”

    “Won’t tell you unless you first promise not t’ bite my head off,” he said promptly.

    “Yes, very well, as it’s the solstice, but don’t expect any more favors from me before the summer, at earliest. I mean it, Gascon.”

    Reynard sat down, shaking his head at them; Gascon nodded and said, “Fair’s fair. Well, then, it’s a short tale: I won that fight against Sir Holt, then I saw Gaheris come limping ‘round to scrape him up off the turf, and it all came together clear as mud, so I decided it was time t’ stop playing at knights for the day and do some real work.”

    “You could have appeared in the joust as yourself,” Reynard remarked, almost idly, “And not as -”

    “As me,” Meve interrupted, a hint of her previous ire returning.

    “Yes, well - the black knight’s more interesting than I am,” he explained, with a broad shrug. “People have heard of his prowess, or what have you; the dangerous reputation’s an advantage, of sorts.”

    “Yes, we’ve heard, in fact,” Meve said, coldly. “Slew a werewolf, did you?”

    “Sure did,” Gascon replied. “Or, I helped, anyhow. There was a witcher involved. Like Gaheris said: half a truth’s better than a lie, so I let the former take precedence.”

    “That’s not the saying, as you know perfectly well. It’s worse,” Reynard said, rolling his eyes. “Half a truth is worse than a lie.”

    Gascon shrugged at him, grinning slightly. Meve interrupted their tangent, impatiently.

    “And you killed a dragon, they say?”

    “Not I,” the Duke said, quickly, eyeing the Queen’s scowl. “Th’ only dragonslayer here is yourself - although, I did kill a pretty big snake in a roadside inn. The landlady was most impressed. So was some minstrel who happened t’ be around, it appears; he has, uh, embellished th’ incident, somewhat.”

    “Yes, that much is obvious,” Reynard noted, “But how’d he know it was the black knight who did the deed and not merely one Gascon Brossard?”

    At last, Gascon turned uncomfortably self-conscious and clammed up; Meve watched him squirm for a long moment and decided, after a glance at the amused gleam in Reynard’s eye, to not to press the issue further.

    “And you gave poor Sir Orlac a dunking,” she remarked, finally; Gascon looked relieved and seized on the change in subject.

    “Yes, that story’s true,” he admitted. “He’s not a bad fighter, at all, thought he don’t seem to enjoy it much. It took some convincing t’ even get him to go against me, actually, but it was worth the time, in th’ end, to get th’ extra practice.”

    “You have improved, somewhat,” Reynard observed, casually. He shot a quick look at Meve; she spotted it and broke off her intended response, frowning. Gascon either missed or ignored their exchange and said, brightly, “Why thank you, sir.”

    “Although,” the knight continued, “It remains to be seen if you can beat me just yet; Meve, of course, has already unhorsed you once, so no there’s burning question to be answered on that account.”

    “By a trick,” Gascon said, and then, as Reynard shrugged unconcernedly, added, “Look, I only really wanted t’ fight Sir Holt and beat him, again, to prove I could, like. I had no notion of much else.”

    “Yes, very likely,” Meve muttered, rolling her eyes; Reynard continued, despite her:

    “Not afraid to lose, are you?”

    “Of course not; it happens all the time,” Gascon said, mildly indignant.

    “Well, then, tomorrow, if you’ve no other plans, let’s see how good you’ve really become, shall we? Without your intimidating disguise, I mean.”

    “Well, all right,” the Duke said, doubtfully, clearly wary about what exactly he was agreeing to. “I suppose I’m not busy, but - “

    “Good. I’ll see you first thing in the morning, then,” Reynard said, a suggestion of finality in his voice; Gascon still looked uncertain, but nodded and then made a tactical retreat to “see to those other matters.”

    “What the devil are you at, Reynard?” Meve asked, the instant he was gone. He stood up, strode across the room with a self-satisfied smile, and wrapped his arms around her.

    “You’ve had a long day,” he said, “Let me worry about it.”

    “Ugh. Fine, then; do what you want,” she said, ingraciously, leaned her forehead against his chest, and continued with a muffled sigh, “What do you think I should do with Holt? I can’t very well banish him for trying to cheat in a duel, much as I’d like to - he is the sole legal heir to Sir Ulrich, who has been a relatively loyal supporter of the crown - nor can I demote him, since he isn’t one of my own knights.”

    “Just ban him from your tournaments, and the rest of the realm will follow,” he said, as if it was obvious, “It’s the worst thing that could happen to a young knight.”

    “You’d know better than I,” she remarked, unfolded her arms, slid them around his waist, and added, “What about Gaheris?”

    “I don’t know,” Reynard said, “He’s not so easy to deal with.”

    “The trouble is,” Meve said, darkly, “- the trouble is that, in his circumstances, he’s done nothing worse than you or I have in the past, which makes me feel something of a hypocrite if I consider having him arrested for treason - as I certainly could, given your indispensable position and high rank.”

    “Yes, a - a similar thought crossed my own mind, to be honest.”

    “Well, it’s true,” she said, raising her head and frowning up at him. “Isn’t it? Reginald -”

    “He wasn’t quite so bad as Holt.”

    “Because he was older, and the King, and no other reason. Well, and he had you around to clean up after his worst decisions. And, his sons - my sons - are the same, or worse, than Sir Holt. Or were, I mean. Anseis certainly is, in any case.”

    “Perhaps,” Reynard said, thoughtfully, “There’s no need to do anything to Gaheris, at all.”

    “As you’re th’ one he wronged, in th’ end I think what happens to him should really be your decision,” Meve said, shrugging.

    “Well, then, speaking from experience, the man’s trials in keeping control of his brother are worse than anything you might think up.”

    “Yes, I know what you mean. I’ve no wish to see him hang or rot in prison, but banishment would be no curse to him, and we’d have to contend with Holt still, regardless, but without a convenient manager. What a waste; were he noble-born, I’d have some use for a man of his talents, and I could more easily secure his future loyalty. A shame, to have Holt be th’ one who inherits old Ulrich’s lands and titles, and Gaheris remain a squire still.”

    “I agree,” Reynard said. “However, that problem only you can solve.”

    She looked into his eyes, thoughtfully, and nodded.

[antthonystark]

To add to the clary post: expect help when ur stepfather is dying or ur hand is rotting off, spend thirty seconds making out with ur boyfriend after going through a shit ton of trauma, and act a little reckless towards popular characters

i mean…..true lol

like i said in one of my posts on the matter, sometimes it’s not “making” someone else to help, but sometimes that someone else cares about the person or the matter at hand and actually wants to help them….u know…..

okay i was trying to be chill and vague but whatever idc let’s get into it lol so esp. with the 2x09 scene everyone’s like oh magnus was visibly annoyed and didn’t want them there bc he hates them but like chill if you look at it for 2 seconds you can see his annoyance phase out to concern literally the second he realizes that there’s actually something wrong bc….he cares about clary…..(and like more importantly in the narrative of that episode, clary and jace do solve the problem themselves. like, magnus was basically like ‘yeah idk man fix it yourselves’ and nobody was like ‘oh magnus how dare you not help us’? lmao?)

and with luke in 1x06 everyone’s always like oh man magnus and downworlders he protectes them and #g//arrobane and all that jazz…and then suddenly it’s magnus saving luke only as a favour to clary and for no other reason lol? like magnus is capable of, like, making decisions and having his own personal motivations to do things you know lol to me it’s weird that people just strip down his personal stake and motivation in so many of the plots because they want to bolster this weird narrative tbh…..honestly im just addressing the examples you named but for a number of them these are at least somewhat the case (some but not all obviously)

and like…yeah…should she/they say thank you every once in a while? of course they should lol. politeness is a good thing lmao and magnus helps them out a ton and he deserves appreciation not saying he doesn’t (and not saying it’s got nothing to do with shadowhunter superiority pls read the linked post). like i said before it’s not just one thing or the other but people just view it as one extreme or the other, and also o f note i elaborated on how niceties like that between established good people™ are usually not included bc they’re seen an extraneous unless serving a higher purpose (also that post includes some stuff about magnus and his relationship with the protags which also is maybe important lol idk)

magnus is an extremely good person lol and like i said in that post i made that i just linked it is definitely complicated and definitely is sometimes informed by shadowhunter/downworlder dynamics and people have taken advantage of him and his magnanimity so it’s not like it’s a non-issue but…. lord people need to chill sometimes tbh 

and finally the whole 2x09 thing with madzie…….honestly i agree with people about that. because it comes across as though they only cared about the fate of this little girl once it started posing a threat to their own well-being. but i’m going to maybe posit an argument that i don’t often consider, which is just….that maybe that was an instance of bad writing.  bc, my guy, everyone was at the party, everyone knows (including magnus, high warlock who protects his kind, and alec who were also just chillaxing before clary and jace came in) the issue with madzie, so honestly it was just a dumb choice to put that lull in between the end of 2x08 and the start of the save-madzie plot in 2x09 because it makes everyone come across as selfish, clary most of all. like i guess you could argue that i shouldn’t make the excuse of the writers and just take it at face value, so i’ll agree that taken at face value it was a dick move by clary specifically, since iris was talking to clary and it’s her blood oath, so the onus was largely on her. but it just doesn’t come across as a deliberate dick move like clary’s other dick moves, which are in order to establish her flaws, but more of as a writing oversight. to me at least. but that’s up to interpretation. like i keep saying, i’m never gonna argue that she’s perfect b/c she is far from

and then there’s the whole white saviour thing which i think - as usual lol - that this is complicated but overall holds probably less water than most ppl interpret it largely b/c of the function of the white saviour trope for the white people who consume it and also the way that the SH narrative is structured around clary in terms of other literary trope as well so that the common interpretation ppl have is kind of oversimplified and also how the quasi-racial tension in SH isn’t the main thrust of the narrative or clary’s motivation, b/c the narrative is largely very personal for clary as well outside of downworlder/shadowhunter dynamics and etc etc etc. like i said im not completely refuting the assertion that it plays into white saviourish trope but it’s….quite complex - in my view, at least, but what do i know lol im gross and ignorant apparently - and these are by no means my complete thoughts but lord jesus i really dont care enough to write an essay lmao it’s just sort of annoying when one person says something and then everyone echoes it and no one knows what it means tbh 

[custardtoast]

hmm small (edit: really lengthy) rant about my life rn

I just had a week off school and it was a much needed break... I did volunteer for 3/5 of the days so it wasn’t a crazy break, since I still had quite a bit of stress about those 3 days

I am currently in that typical position of “I didn’t do anything productive pertaining to school work all week so now I feel guilty and I should stay up and get something done” but at the same time... I feel like I always beat myself up so much when I know that I was quite busy with other things, and school work isn’t always the only priority. Granted, I did watch a kdrama lol and didn’t sleep until 2-4 am on most days, while waking up close to noon.... but I feel like I needed that. I just hate how i can never fully relax but I also can’t bring myself to work... but that is the ultimate student dilemma. I wish I had better self-control and organizational skills to balance everything

On a related note, I’ve been thinking rly hard about what I want to do after I graduate from uni... I was thinking about applying to a summer internship for half of the summer, but I need a reference letter and the deadline is this week, so I feel like its sort of inappropriate to ask any of my profs at this point... I also was thinking about just bumming around for the entire summer and being productive in other areas of my life ... like I’ve been thinkin about starting a youtube channel (lol me and everyone else in this internet world) bc I’ve just been so inspired by all these amazing ppl who show their struggles to everyone and at the end of the day they’re all beautiful ppl... I really like the idea of sharing my life w all these internet friends bc frankly, I don’t really share my life with anyone irl (i know that sounds super sad but it’s true... i dont feel like im close w anyone anymore and once i graduate from uni i feel like i’m gonna be cut off from everyone I currently talk to and I feel like no one would rly make the effort to talk to me otherwise)

so idk i kinda wanted to start a vlog/lifestyle channel so I could just chat to the camera, since i rly do have a lot of thoughts i’d like to share, but i’m just too scared to share them with anyone i actually know irl. it feels easier to just talk it out to no one in particular like a diary, but then have ppl (hopefully) care about it. but at the same time there are TONS of lifestyle channels out there and i dont think i have a particular “tv personality”? 

also filming those kinda videos have nothing to do w my university degree and idk i feel like.... it’s important to be well-rounded but i don’t want my degree to be for nothing, so i also have to think about what i want to do as my future career. which is really tough because... i’m in the sciences, i currently do clinical research in a lab, and it’s okay... i love the learning aspect but i’m not a fan of the actual scientific research process. i can’t really explain why but you’re just... studying something so small for so so so long and it’s hard to feel like you’re making any progress. but i suppose the beauty of the field is if/when you actually make progress and a contribution. i’m also scared about the whole competition in the field and constantly keeping yourself afloat with grants, idk if i want to dedicate my life to that. and to be honest i dont think im smart enough or that much of a critical thinker to become a researcher and get a phd, although i would really love to be a university professor (too bad u have to have a phd loool)

some other options are going to med school, optometry school, becoming a dietician or a physician’s assistant... med school is the scary one bc i always think about.... why would i want to be a doctor over another medical professional? do i actually have the qualities to be a good doctor, or am i just doing it bc of the image or the pressure? do i actually enjoy working with patients?? ofc those questions apply to the other options as well but... im always doubting myself and i feel like that quality alone is not very ideal for being a doctor. i would feel more comfortable being an optometrist, dietician, or physician’s assistant bc it feels like... even if you mess up there are still other people to back you up, whereas with a doctor, you are the one running the game. which is super important and impressive, but i just don’t know if i could handle with the stress and if i have the capabilities to make unwavering decisions. just cuz i know im so indecisive.... man. i got rejected from med school which is why im rethinking all of this. i might go to grad school next year, either in nutrition or continuing in physiology. i really like topics in nutrition and a masters in nutrition is only a year long, but i would have to find a new supervisor and im not a super huge fan of research (like i’ve said before)... but it seems better than a 2 year masters in physiology. i could stick with my current physiology supervisor, but that also means im stuck studying the same thing as i am now for 2 years. and idk if i love it that much.... agh... i dont know......... i wish someone could tell me what’s the best path... but i know no one can... and i know that no one is gonna read this huuuuuge text.... im just rambling at this point bc i have no one i feel comfortable personally messaging all of this to

being indecisive.... leads me to my next point. which is strange, but i really want to get a tattoo after i graduate. ive been thinking about what to get, and ofc, due to my indecisive nature, i can never really decide, but i think... i kinda know what i want? i just need to think of a good placement for it bc i dont want it to be visible in my every day life, just due to the judgemental nature of the field that im in right now and possibly will be in the future (eg. if i work in the medical field, i will most definitely be judged if i have visible tattoos, maybe less by the younger demographic but by the older ones for sure, and that can affect the whole patient-doctor interaction, or even interaction with mentors?) so if u have any tattoos, i’d love to know what you have (if you’re comfortable w sharing) and why, so it helps me justify getting my own lol (even though that doesnt rly make sense.. i should just get it if i want it, but im still debating)

guhhhh my brain has run out of juice and i should go to bed, im really trying to not sleep at 2 am today. i wish i could fall asleep faster. im not gonna give myself heck for not getting anything done during reading week, or tonight, cuz i know i’ve been going through some rough mental patches, but i hope if i sleep earlier, wake up a bit earlier, take back more control of my life, i can be more productive and less stressed. pls wish me luck.

i rly want... to make meaningful connections and impacts in this world.