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nerves-nebula · 3 years ago

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hi your "hunter escapes and has a fun little camping moment" au is living rent free in my brain rn, please Please share some more thoughts and rambles about it!

ANON PLEASE- (affectionate)

you gotta understand I was not lying when I said I have 5 pages of a google doc worth of comic ideas. Unfortunately it's still kind of a mess and I'm still sorting out some of the basic dynamics of this AU. I also like the idea of keeping most of my notes and making them into their own comics/posts so idk how I feel about just saying stuff in a list AND YET.

So here's some stuff I think I can say outside of a comic?? I’ll still probably make some of these into comics/doodles, but anyway I hope this is what you were looking for.

Hunter:

Hunter gets very into studying wild magic up close, something he wasn't allowed to do much before. But now he lives in the forest surrounded by wild magic. Because of this I plan for him to discover a few glyphs on his own, like Luz does, mainly the plant one. But you’ll see how that goes later ;)

He's also still trying to cure his uncles curse. He insists he's not going to go back to Belos, but if pressed on why he's searching for a cure for a man he plans to never see again, he'll get very defensive and angry. Sometimes it's not as easy as "I'm leaving and never coming back." sometimes you still wanna help the people who hurt you :P and THAT one is from personal experience

Hunter takes a while to really get into the whole “I’m on my own and can do whatever I want” thing, but I plan for him to mess around with his presentation once he gets more comfortable.

Rascal helps him change his eye bandages! I haven’t decided if his eye is damaged yet or just the area around it tho so stay tuned.

Hunter will often assign himself “missions” to go on because he doesn’t know what else to do with his free time. He knows he doesn’t technically have any deadlines or stuff like that anymore but he gets stressed not having a goal to strive towards so to cope he just.. gives himself arbitrary goals !

Funfact! This is not the first time Hunters pissed Belos off so bad that he’s fled the castle for a moment. But it IS the first time he stays away for this long.

Home Hunter AU subscribes to the “Hunter is the grimwalker/a clone of Belos’ brother” theory just for extra angst. I kind of like the idea that he wasn’t even a big part of Belos’ plans though, just that Belos saw a chance to “Bring back” his brother and went for it fsdfsfsdf.

Hunter is terrified of relying on someone too much because no matter how much he trusts them, they could always kick him out. And he’d rather kick himself out before they get the chance. Boys still got issues, is what I’m saying.

Because Hunter lives in the woods he starts to get a bit... Feral. People will not see him for a week only to realize he’s been not showering or changing his clothes. He was never the most normally-socialized kid but now he’s in the habit of hissing at people the way he does at wild animals that encroach on his tent.

Hunter is very possessive of his belongings (he has so few) and will tackle you if you try to take something from him without asking. He also hoards food and has trouble sharing it, but he feels a bit more embarrassed about this habit than others so he tries to hide it.

Luz:

Luz is basically the first person Hunter reaches out to after living in the woods for a few weeks, and she’s the only one he trusts, at first.

She offers to let Hunter stay at the owl house a LOT, and sometimes he does :D ! But usually only if it’s raining or he has an injury he can’t heal himself, or if they’re just hanging out.

Luz’s Super Secret Sad Boy plan is to try to trick Hunter into staying at the owl house for extended periods of time, so that he eventually doesn’t want to go back to the forest. She brings it up A LOT. This has yet to work though, because Hunter feels very uncomfortable about not understanding their family dynamic. That and it makes him feel a bit worse about his own. (kind of like when you go to your friends house and their parents are nice, so you cry afterwards. But to the extreme that he has trouble relaxing cause he’s viscerally aware of how much he doesn’t feel like he fits in.)

Luz tried to teach Hunter glyphs but he brushed it off. 1. because he’s still nervous about wild magic lmao but 2. because he didn’t think he needed to learn them since he has Rascal. He only starts looking into them when he personally finds them in nature on his own. After that point he starts eavesdropping on Lillith and Eda’s glyph lessons and hijinks ensue.

Lillith:

I’m actually super down for the idea that Lillith would bond with goldie in some way. They both know what Belos is like so they can bitch about him together!

I’m also a fan of the “Lillith regrets calling Hunter a brat” idea. Idk if she’s canonically seen his face or anything but I like to think that, at least NOW, she sees him for what he really is. A poor little meow meow.

That being said don’t think that Mom!Eda is out for the count. They’re ✨ co-parents ✨ and I like to think they bring different things to the table when it comes to caring about Hunter. Raine might show up eventaully too :D. They still can’t get him to move out of the woods tho.

Belos:

Not much to say about him and his plans yet, but what usually happens when Hunter runs off after upsetting Belos is that he comes back a few hour/days later with something to win back Belos’ favor. So the emperor isn’t concerned at first, but then a week passes, and then another.

In this AU Belos is very protective of Hunter but in a weird, possessive, fucked up way. Basically, he’s convinced himself that nothing is really a threat to him or Hunter (since he trained Hunter personally and believes in his nephews abilities). He was never afraid of Hunter being killed or leaving him cause he never considered those things as possibilities. So when Hunter doesn’t come back and is seen actively avoiding him, he goes a little apeshit? But like in a subtle way? Like, he’s losing it but quietly lmao. BASICALLY I do have plan for Belos to attempt to do a lot of stuff to catch/coerce Hunter, and maybe he succeeds! We’ll see.

That should be enough for now!

important to note that a lot of this could change on a whim since I’m still thinking about all of it but y e ah these are some things I’ve mused about.

also I hope this makes sense, I’m not really a writer so I just kinda type it how I talk it I guess.

#toh hunter #toh #the owl house #hunter toh #luz noceda #emperor belos #the golden guard #lillith clawthorne #eda clawthorne #home hunter au #ask #nnstuff

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nicholasnelsons · 3 years ago

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I really love your take on Buck in 5x11 and how he slips back into his 1.0 version.

But do you think that the reasons for his behaviour should have been pointed out more? If that is actually what the writers want to portray then I don’t think a casual viewer would catch up on that.

wait that’s actually really sweet that you liked my take skfnsjfjd who knew i could make sense sometimes !! but i was actually just talking to someone about this yesterday and how the average viewer doesn’t spend so much time analyzing things like we do and may not pick up certain things like us (such as buck going back on his old habits or even the fact that buck and taylor are in a nonfunctional relationship).

it’s probably hard for a casual viewer to remember what happened seasons ago or all the way back in season one, but i still think that the point remains the same in the fact that buck wants to be loved and feel love and embrace love and craves that kind of love. THAT is something that is not going to be lost on the casual viewer because it’s such a big part of who buck is, and once they remember that then i think the pieces will fall into place for them.

they definitely could have pointed it out more if they wanted to make it obvious, but that’s just not good storytelling imo. good storytelling takes time to unravel and makes you think and really makes you reflect upon the decisions that these characters are making, and THAT is what is happening here. at the end of the day, it’s the writers job to tell a story. and if they want to tell a good story then they have to consider every part of what these characters have been through and who they are, potentially ignoring what a casual viewer might think. because a casual viewer probably turned the episode off and said “wow that looks like some drama! can’t wait to see what happens next week!” but the intentions of the writers and what they were trying to create is not ignored by the people who love tv and love this show.

i also think that if the “reason” for his behavior was pointed out more, the entire scene would have lost meaning because that would have acted as if “oh buck wants to cheat on taylor so bad look at how many times we hint at it” when that most definitely is not the case. he did it on impulse, he did it in the moment, and we got to experience that with him and be just as shocked as he was. i don’t even know if buck knows the reason why he did it or if there even is a definite reason why he did it— but we do know that he’s not in a good place right now based upon his actions. i don’t know how they could have pointed it out in a way that would have been beneficial for the audience though without it just seeming too obvious yknow???

my family watches the show and are casual viewers, so i did ask them what they thought about the kiss after it happened to get that outside perspective from someone that isn’t unhinged skgnsnfnsjd lol so i DO have something to offer there. and basically my mom said, as a casual viewer, that “buck is obviously unhappy in his relationship and going through things too so i get why he did it even though i wish he didn’t.” and then i asked her if she remembered what buck was like in season one and she said “oh yeah he was a hoe, right???” SO. casual viewers—such as my mother— do see what they’re trying to do here more or less.

tl;dr idk man i am simply intrigued by evan buckley and want to poke around his brain

#anon im sorry this is so long you most definitely did not ask for this response kdgnskfnsnd #i was literally just thinking about all of this though so it’s kind of fresh in my mind #im just very interested to see where this story goes too but!!! we’ll find out soon enough #911 spoilers

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unfortunatelyilikebnha · 4 years ago

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Hi I’m a menace and to remind y’all of that today I’ll be ranking the bnha boys by how likely they are to wash their hands after using the bathroom <3

Midoriya: yes but only bc his mom drilled it into his head that he has to (and because he saw a cheesy video about the importance of washing your hands that all might starred in, but mostly bc his mom told him to). Everyone say thank you to Inko. 9/10

Todoroki: yes. Every time. But mostly because endeavor doesn’t (& probably told him it’s gay to do so or smth which is why he knows this) so Todoroki decided that means he has to. Don’t know whether this one is a win or a loss, but the conclusion is don’t shake hands with the number two hero <3. 10/10

Iida: yes I don’t think he likes the concept of germs. 10/10

Kirishima: you know....I am so torn on this one. I really want to believe that he does but my brain is telling me that he doesn’t. Actually wait I subscribe to the headcanon that he has two moms so surely they would teach him the importance of washing your hands after using the bathroom. 8/10

Kaminari: not until his female friends find out and yell at him for his lack of hygiene (and even then he still doesn’t see the big deal). Gross. 2/10

Aoyama: yes absolutely. “How can I be the most sparkling if my hands don’t sparkle too?” 10/10

Shoji: yes. Takes a long time in the bathroom bc he washes All his hands meticulously. 10/10

Sero: most of the time. 7/10

Sato: ykw my brain’s telling me yes so we’re gonna go with that. He bakes so he probably takes washing his hands seriously. 8/10

Tokoyami: listen I have no earthly idea. Maybe Tokoyami stans have more input on this but to me his mysterious aura extends to his bathroom habits. ???/10

Ojirou: uh. Probably? 7/10

Koda: another brain telling me yes moment. 8/10

Bakugou: yes but only because of his quirk. He also has to wash them before he uses the bathroom for the same reason. 15/10

M*neta: oh you already know there’s no way in hell this bitch washes his hands like ever. He has sticky little child hands. This contributes to yet somehow manages not to be the main reason why nobody will willingly touch him. -17/10

Monoma: I’m gonna say yes and if he ever finds out anyone from 1a doesn’t he will make fun of them for it for months. 9/10

Awase: I think so...he has a touch activated quirk so I hope so. 7/10

Kaibara: ok so he’s one of the 1b students I know less about but I’m going to say yes as well just a slightly less confident yes. 6/10

Kamakiri: yes...? Since his quirk makes blades I’d say that his parents probably taught him it was very important to have clean hands in case he accidentally cut himself or someone else (he doesn’t want to cause infections). 8/10

Kuroiro: I don’t know? Based on vibes I’d say 7/10

Shishida: oh absolutely. He’s said to be intellectual and polite when not in beast form so yes. 10/10

Shoda: yes. He’s the class vice rep and seems responsible so 8/10

Tsuburaba: the vibes he gives off say no, sorry :/ 4/10

Tetsutetsu: he gives off the same “he might not” vibes as Kirishima but I don’t think he was raised by lesbians so 5/10

Fukidashi: I’m gonna say yes. 7/10

Honenuki: ok so yes he does wash his hands after going to the bathroom but I feel like due to the nature of his quirk he’s likely to have little pieces of earth and stuff he softened on him most of the time. However bc this isn’t a ranking of how clean they are, he still gets a 9/10

Bondo: yes. Sweet boy. I feel like he often has sticky hands bc of his quirk, but again that’s not related and I think he actually washes them a lot probably. 9/10

Rin: probably. 7/10

Shinsou: uhhhh I’m gonna say yes? He seems like a pretty reasonable guy. 8/10

Mirio: oh god uh. I’d really like to think so. However I am not sure so 6/10

Tamaki: yeah. 9/10

Shigaraki: yk everyone’s expecting me to say no & yeah that makes sense but because his skin is so dry I think that when he has the chance he over washes and showers so like...6/10??

Dabi: if he does it’s only bc he’s worried about infecting his wounds, but I’m still gonna say no (I’m sorry I swear I actually rlly like dabi but I can’t lie to myself). 3/10

Kurogiri: see based on his personality I’d say yes but based on a certain revelation about uhh. Why he’s Like That (iykyk) I’d say that it really depends (sorry I can’t go into more detail than that without having to tag this post as spoilers and I rlly don’t want to do that so that as many people see my awful takes as possible). 5/10

Mr. Compress: my irrational grudge against him (which literally doesn’t make sense bc he kidnapped bakugou, whom I dislike, and marbled ov*rhaul, whom I dislike, ‘s arm. There is NO reason for me to dislike this man but every time I see him my brain is like “bitch.” Sorry mr compress I literally have no justification for disliking you) says no but realistically I think he probably would. 8/10

Twice: yes. 9/10

Spinner: has a debate with himself on whether stain would wash his hands after using the bathroom and can’t come up with an answer. 5/10

Stain: on the one hand I want to say yes but on the other hand he will literally ingest anyone’s blood without worrying if it will give him diseases (and like maybe that’s part of his quirk but if it is it isn’t explained)...6/10

Gentle Criminal: ok so I hate this bitch too (sorry ik he’s not that bad but I think the British accent made me go rabid) but I think he probably would as part of his gentleman character? 8/10

Overhaul: I hate the bitch but he hates germs so he would. At least his victims can take comfort in the fact that when he kills them he has very clean hands. 10/10

All might: hm. I’m gonna say yes most of the time but only bc I can imagine him doing a cheesy promotion video about hygiene and because David Shield and Sir Nighteye would undoubtedly beat his ass if he didn’t. 7/10

Present mic: yes I think??? He must spend a lot of time on his hair so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he cares about personal hygiene. 8/10

Eraserhead: at first I was gonna be like “no <3” bc he gives off those vibes but then I thought that there’s a sink in the bathroom so he probably thinks it’s logical to use it. For that reason only aizawa stans are safe. 7/10

Kamui woods: ykw? No. If Mt. Lady ever finds this out she will clown on him for years probably. 3/10

Hawks: piss hands mc gee. 3/10

Gang orca: absolutely. King. He needs the water to hydrate anyways. 10/10

Tiger: yes. 10/10

Best jeanist: ...yes? Idk my brain says it would be funny if he claimed to be a fashion icon but then didn’t practice simple personal hygiene... 6/10

Rock Lock: ABSOLUTELY. HE’S THE ONLY ONE WITH COMMON SENSE IN THIS SHOW SO. 11/10

Gran Torino: no and every fact I learn about him makes me marvel at the fact that he isn’t dead yet (yes ik this isn’t an official fact but shhh). 1/10

Sir Nighteye: ok again based on his character I’d say yes, but how funny would it be if he didn’t. 7/10

Manual: yeah. 9/10

Endeavor: no. 0/10

Natsuo: Fuyumi would yell at him if he didn’t plus he’s in med school. 8/10

David Shield: this man is a globally respected scientist, and he has definitely made mistakes but not washing his hands after using the bathroom has never been one of them. 10/10

Can’t’cha-see-kun: yes and he’s DEVASTATED when he finds out that endeavor doesn’t (avsnsvsjwvjdbs yeah I only included this one as a joke) 9/10

Ok that’s not every bnha man but if I listed every bnha man this post would be way too long so I’m done for now <3

#I tried to be as unbiased as possible even with my favs and characters I straight up hate. feel free to disagree with me tho lol #the only one that I didn’t put actual thought into was Gran Torino so if you disagree with his that’s probably fair #idk why he’s not even the character I hate the most or even in the top 5 but I just didn’t feel like putting mental energy into that one)#I did some I’m less familiar with (like most of 1b) so lmk what you think of that #bnha #I was gonna tag individual people but that’s too much work so

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officialleotolstoy · 4 years ago

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Oh Dolokhov Brainrot We’re Really In It Now, aka Dolokhov playlist annotations!

A note on the cover photo: I don’t really like this one but I got tired of looking at men on Pinterest so I gave up. The window symbolizes the rum window and the smoking symbolizes uhhhhh habitual bad life choices idk

Drinking game take a shot every time I say “it’s about the vibes”

Wrecking Ball - Mother Mother

“I break it just because I can”

This is THEE ‘I am going to cause problems on purpose’ song and that is like his entire narrative purpose!! Argue with me about this one I dare you

The Good, The Bad, and the Dirty - Panic! At The Disco

“If you wanna start a fight you better throw the first punch, make it a good one”

Partially its just vibes, I won’t lie. But also the consistent spoiling for a fight is very in character

Shoot to Thrill - AC/DC

“I’m like evil, I get under your skin”

It’s got I Am Morally Repulsive But Also I’ll Steal Your Girl energy which really hits all of Dolokhov’s character traits. And of course the added bonus of gun imagery.

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this”

I added it strictly for vibes, but then I realized the quoted lyric is very much him @ the Kuragins if you take the reading that he refuses to admit he actually like them but grows genuinely fond of them over time even though he initially got to know them with a lot of ulterior motives.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

“Mama, I just killed a man”

The amount of songs that are on these playlists just for what are essentially your mom jokes since Dolokhov loves his mom so much is a little pathetic. But I’m not wrong! I can’t really put it into words but something about this song has Dolokhov energy.

Feel It Still - Portugal the Man

“Give in to that easy living, goodbye to your hopes and dreams”

A good deal of what I find interesting about Dolokhov is the internal conflict he has of knowing he’s become rather wicked and problematic but also not really trying very hard to change and almost enjoying it so a lot of the songs on here are about that, including this one. The “I’m a rebel just for kicks now” also very much screams Causing Problems On Purpose.

The Bidding - Tally Hall

“I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie”

His whole role in volume one and two is to take advantage of the bourgeoisie! This song also oozes confidence and a sense of superiority that comes from being better than the sellouts in high society, Dolokhov’s not like other girls uwu (he really is, but I don’t think he would admit that).

Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! At The Disco

“I could be better but baby it’s Saturday night”

Embracing his own wickedness! The idea that he knows he could be better than he is but he doesn’t want to take that opportunity...yeah vibes

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - Fall Out Boy

“I became such a strange shape from trying to fit in”

This is the epitome of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase he goes through when he’s into Sonya. Also “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color” reminds me of Comet Dolokhov’s stupid eyeliner <3

Some Nights - fun.

“So what is this? I sold my soul for this?”

There’s a long stretch of this playlist that just boils down to “Woe is me I need to be purified” crisis hours, because Dolokhov’s oscillation between embracing his own cruelty and trying to be a good person is super interesting to me. This song captures the idea that he’s still having fun and there’s some good there, but he’s also aware that he’s losing himself a bit

Roaring 20s - Panic! At The Disco

“I don’t even know me”

“Woe is me i need to be purified” crisis AGAIN. This song gets more to the annoyance with society as a whole and feeling kind of lost in it

Send Them Off! - Bastille

“Help me exorcise my mind”

“Please purify me 16 year old girl! I’m 27 this isnt creepy at all ahahahha”. I do despise Sonyakhov but this has the vibes of a man feeling his own evil and wanting a woman to fix it. Not a great look.

Easy Days (Demo) - Bastille

“I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days”

Near the end of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase when he’s kind of drifting back to his old ways and he’s like wait no- wait- and then he does anyway because he’s horrible. I also really like the acknowledgment that his horribleness is easy and pleasant for him, and he has to fight against that (and he loses that fight HDJAJJD).

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

“You trick your lovers that you’re wicked and divine”

This is a Dolokhov/Nikolai song I do not take constructive criticism. Undisclosed desires...not being straight...lots to think about! It feels almost like a corruption arc? Nikolai isn’t corrupted nor does their...fling (?) last very long but Nikolai is obviously enamored with Dolokhov despite him being The Worst so I think this fits. I don’t have enough songs for a Nikolai/Dolokhov playlist so I just add those songs to both of their individual playlists

Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy

“Thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so great”

Also mostly a Nikolai/Dolokhov song. This man has never ended a relationship on good terms, huh. Also. Sighs heavily. “He tastes like you only sweeter” never fails to make me laugh when I think about it in the context of Dolokhov post-duel being like oh?? You’re just a stupid WOMAN Hélène your brother and/or Nikolai is hotter than you :/ which is not exactly what I think happened but it makes me laugh to consider. Dolokhov ur bitterrrrr

Dangerous - Royal Deluxe

“I’ll be the last man standing here, I’m not going anywhere”

I feel like this has the vibes of his cruelty, especially in that bit after the Kuragins have died when he and Petya infiltrate the French army.

Another One Bites The Dust - Queen

“There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man”

He will hurt you and kill you so violently :) It’s about the vibes.

White Wedding Pt. 1 - Billy Idol

“It’s a nice day to start again”

In the exact inverse to his “woe is me I need to be purified” phase, he’s like ok yes i will pick up bad habits again and enjoy them because frick you! I read once that this song is about a relapse into drugs, but I’m making it analogous to his relapse into Terrible Person Behavior after Sonya’s rejection. Also the repetition of the phrase little sister does something for my brain idk, after we know he loves his mom and sister it just fits.

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

“I’m on the highway to hell and I’m goin down”

Like White Wedding, it screams acceptance of his problematicness. He knows he’s cruel and evil and he revels in it. This is the phase we see him in most I think.

Back in Black - AC/DC

“It’s been too long, I’m glad to be back”

I think this plays every time he gets reinstated to an army position he lost by being reckless earlier. Just kidding sort of but listen to this song and tell me it doesn’t have Dolokhov vibes. If you do, you’re wrong <3

Poet - Bastille

“I have written you down now, you will live forever”

This is just here cause he ghostwrote Anatole’s love letters and I think it’s funny. It’s MY playlist and I get to choose the barely relevant Bastille songs

St. Jude - Florence + The Machine

“Maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos”

This one’s more scattered lyrics than an overall vibe. “Each side is a loser so who cares who fired the gun” has duel energy also.

Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

Confession: I hate this song. However, it’s about the about the MOM R U PROUD OF ME vibes (she is. Should she be? Probably not).

Rich Kids - Bea Miller

“It’s never enough for the stuck up types”

The not coming from wealth and having to almost scam your way into being part of the aristocratic scene is very Dolokhov. Also in my mind the rich kid he’s roasting is specifically Nikolai.

Money, Money, Money - ABBA

“It’s a rich man’s world”

I’m not SAYING the wealthy man they talk about is Anatole but - [i am shot]. Scheming and clawing your way up to wealth is Dolokhovcore.

This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

I literally have no justification for this other than that i think modern AU Dolokhov would vibe with it. Look at the amount of eyeliner he wears in Comet and tell me he didn’t have an emo band phase. You can’t.

Trouble’s Coming - Royal Blood

This is not about the words at all, it’s more about the vibes. It just sounds Dolokhovish to me, don’t ask me to explain.

Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

“They’re just ghosts and they can’t hurt him if he can’t see them”

This gives me post-Kuragins’ death vibes, and I can’t pin down exactly why? I think it’s the idea of being very alone and closed off.

Golden Days - Panic! At The Disco

I can’t put a specific lyric to it but it’s the vibes of looking back on your hedonistic youths with nostalgia and rose-colored glasses. Post-Kuragins’ death vibes again.

Go Get Your Gun - The Dear Hunter

“One foot in the grave, the other one’s kickin’ its way right down to hell”

All we see of him after the Kuragins’ death is just him being particularly cruel and reckless, almost careless. This feels like it encapsulates that energy.

The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand

“They say you’re a troubled boy just because you like to destroy”

I’m aware that a good portion of this song is about a Christ figure but I’m going to respectfully ask you to ignore that bit and just focus on all the Sketchy Things the guy does instead. Thank you. He does in fact like to destroy things! Señor Cause Problems On Purpose back at it again at krispy kreme, huh.

#war and peace #fedya dolokhov #my post #w&p playlists #i counted i said the word vibes 13 times #so sorry

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maerenee930 · 3 years ago

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random thoughts.

Heads up for anyone who reads this!

tw - mentions of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts! also mentions of weight and unhealthy eating habits. just talking about poor mental and physical health, body imagine issues, low self esteem, dissociation and derealization. also, i swear quite a bit! just a heads up.

my thoughts are all over the place right now so i apologize if this doesn’t make much sense and i’m sorry if i jump around. also, i’m sorry for typos and grammar errors.

so as a lot of you know, i lost my job back in may. pretty suddenly too. and that a few days after i officially stopped watching my little dude that my suicidal thoughts were starting to come back. not as bad as they were last year. but enough to take me back a bit and mess with me.

i’ll be totally honest, last year my bruceman (idk if i mentioned it before but the little guy i took care of is named bruce. and i call him bruceman because of holy musical b@man when bruce wayne calls himself that a few times. anyway…) was one of my big reasons to stay. and while that job wasn’t going to be my forever job, losing him so quickly and abruptly, just did a number on me mentally and emotionally.

i was losing a big piece of my life really fast and it still really hurts. he was one of my reasons to stay because i was needed. i felt needed and it was nice to know he did need me. i know i have many many reasons to stay. i just, right now i feel so disconnected from everything and from a lot of people. my dissociation and derealization has been so bad lately 😣 i feel like i’m kinda losing myself again and no matter how much i try and remind myself my thoughts are not facts, battling those thoughts are so tough and tiring 😞

i don’t have any plans and don’t plan on doing anything! i just… i’m really kinda struggling right now. finding a new job is making my anxiety awful. i know i’ll be alright and this is good for me and i’m growing and changing and all of this is going to help me, but i’m scared as hell. i just feel useless and at the moment, directionless. i know what i wanna do but that’s not realistic. i wanna act or sing professionally. but again, not realistic and being the bigger person i am, yeah probably not gonna happen.

started going to a new doctor and she asked me if i would consider going to a weight loss clinic. oh and then in my first visit shortly after i told her that i lost my job, she told me i should join a gym 😑 yes, with the money i don’t have let me just join a gym, my weight is at the top of my list right now of things to take care of. she also at my last appointment said “well i see the weight is still an issue” well what the fuck did you expect to happen? it had only been a few weeks, did you think i was gonna suddenly lose a fuck ton of weight in that time? healthily i might add! fuck.

so that hasn’t been helping anything. i feel really disgusting and gross, i’m ashamed of my curves and fat. i feel truly ugly and unattractive. i know i have worth and outer beauty does not define me but it does make a big impact on your self esteem and mental health. and because i’ve felt so shitty about how i look, i really haven’t been caring about how i eat so that’s not helping anything and i just feel like i’m fucking obnoxious and whiny and annoying 😣

my stupid fucking period hasn’t come yet and i was supposed to start a few days ago! i know stress isn’t helping anything at all but it’s messing with my damn emotions and it’s so frustrating! my head is all over the place right now and i just really wish i could get out of my own head for more than a few minutes you know?

and i feel so alone. and i am genuinely very sorry for sounding like a broken record once again 😓 i miss liking someone and them knowing i like them and i miss them feeling the same way about me, i miss flirting, i miss the cutesy shit that comes with it. i also just need cuddles and snuggles and idk… i know poor self esteem isn’t an attractive quality in a future significant other 😣 i just really miss it.

i also just feel like i’ve really let myself down by being somewhat back in the same state of mind i was last year. i was doing so well for so long and i feel like all that progress has been erased because i am here again 😞

i also feel like i don’t have anyone to lean on because this is all so stupid and i shouldn’t be putting all my stupid shit on everyone. my stupid brain loves to make me feel like i can’t ask for the people i know are there for me to actually be there for me because they have their own stuff going on, their stuff is more important and i just shouldn’t be bothering them with this. also, there’s no reason why i can’t handle all of this myself. you know? like those thoughts really have been getting to me lately 😓

but anyway… i’m hoping i can start writing more and that’ll help give me something else to focus on when i start to feel shitty.

i’m very sorry for putting all of this on here i just really needed to get it all out. i was talking about it with my mom and just didn’t feel like keeping it all inside.

and again, i’m so so so so very sorry for sounding like a broken record 😣😓

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dangan-happy · 4 years ago

Note

[PW: Beep boop, I'm stuck in a chicken coop]

(Idk what to tw/cw this as, sadly. I guess self doubt?)

To Kiibo and Kaito;

Hello, this is my first time here, but you guys can call me Fanatic Anon. I just took two tests, and the first one didn't really bother me but the second one did. The second one was a reading test, and I have a lot of trouble reading. It made me feel really bad about myself since it's a normal and easy ability that everybody should have, but I don't. I can read it, but I often can't pick up the information I get from it. I also feel bad about self diagnosing myself with adhd and ocd. I relate to a lot, if not, all the symptoms of adhd and a lot of the symptoms of ocd too. Sometimes I feel like I don't actually have it and I'm just looking for attention, and which I might not have it and I just can't function properly. I also get annoyed really easily, usually when someone says something, for example; someone can like a ship I don't ship, and it's a valid ship, and I'll just get annoyed. I just feel like I'm a bad person because of that and I shouldn't be annoyed so easily especially because it's usually something I don't agree with. Also my friends are really aggressive to me and I always end up recoiling a little in fear, and I know they're just playing, but it still scares me and whenever I tell them to stop they don't listen.

Anyways, that's all for now. Thanks in advance!

- Fanatic Anon

What's up and welcome bro!! I'm your host, Mr. Luminary of the Stars! Man, I swear I'm gonna scare people off this blog, my bad, I hope your day's going well! Fanatic anon huh?! I feel like there's some wordplay somewhere in there. Fanon, fa-non-tic, I don't know. Ok, random bullshit over, time to do my actual job! Damn, two tests at once? That's never fun, good job getting through them though! Yikes, reading. I'm not too great at reading either, don't worry. I know a lot of people make fun of reading ability which isn't cool. A lot of people have reading struggles, and that's ok. It's seriously not something to make fun of. Hey man, don't feel bad. Reading isn't easy for everyone like I said, you can't help it and it's ok. Yeah, I kinda do that with reading too. I usually have to read things two or three times over so the information sticks. From what I've heard, a lot of people do that, so maybe reading stuff multiple times over can help you out. If there's not enough time in the test for that, maybe you can ask for a time extension, there's no shame in that. You seriously can't help your reading struggles, it's not your fault and if your teacher has brain cells, they'll give you a little extra support.

Ok, self diagnosing anything is a slippery slope, but I can totally understand seeing similarities in the diagnosis and your own behavior. I don't think you're looking for attention if you're genuinely struggling. This is probably an obvious answer, but I think the best solution for this is to see if you can get tested for these things for real. If I could diagnose you I would, but like I can't do that, I'm no doctor of the stars. Do stars even need doctors?? Ok, that's a question for another time, so moving on!

Ships are crazy man, that's kind of a given. I'm not even gonna give my opinions on shipping because I'm scared I'll accidentally start something. The point is that it's ok to have your own opinion and get annoyed, you can't help how you feel. However, there's a difference between feeling your feelings and forcing those feelings on someone else. You don't have to like every ship, but you also don't have to force your opinions on everyone else. It's a lesson lots of people in the shipping community need to learn, and in my opinion you're doing pretty damn awesome bro! As long as you're keeping any annoyance to yourself and keeping things civil in public, everything seems a-ok to me.

Ok, as a friend who often takes things too far, I'm gonna assume that your friends don't mean any harm, but your feelings are one hundred percent valid. If you've told them to stop and they haven't you gotta sit down with them and have a serious talk. If these people are really your friends, they'll realize you're serious and make an effort to change things. You're not being selfish or unreasonable or anything, you have a right to be comfortable in your interactions. So advocate for your needs! Alright, I think I covered it all. You're welcome man! I'm glad you came to the blog! I know you already said you're going by fanatic anon, but I keep reading it as fantastic anon because you seem like a cool person. Ok, yeah that was really cheesy, but I'm going with it! You got this, ok? Reading, ships, friends, you can handle it all. Now get out there and be fantastic!!

----------

Greetings Fanatic Anon, it's rather nice to meet you! That aside, I would first like to congratulate you on getting past your examinations for the day. It's never easy having to get through one test, let alone two, so I'm proud of you for at least getting those finished, even if reading isn't your best subject.

Speaking of which, I should probably move onto that subject now. Well, it is completely natural for everyone to have their own strengths and weaknesses, and yours just so happens to be reading. Despite it being something that may be tedious for some, it's a challenge for you, and that's completely okay.

You may want some extra practice or even some extra time as Kaito suggested to help you succeed at the subject, and I wish to tell you that it is completely fine to ask for those things. You need to do what's best for you, and as long as you try your best, l believe that you'll be alright. Do what is best for you to succeed.

Though, there's something else that Kaito stated that I would want to expand upon further. Yes, I am mentioning the self-diagnosing. Listen, while it's amazing that you found something that describes your struggles well, it's also not best to jump to conclusions. It's probably best that you get a professional's opinion on this. At least with that, you can get more of the help you need in your everyday life, and also have some more confirmation.

I'm not saying it's wrong to relate to the symptoms nor that you're attention-seeking by any means, especially when you really do struggle, but rather that it's best that you put an actual label on it. Does that make any sense? At least, hopefully it does. I'll move onto the next subject now.

Onto the irritation, I wouldn't say that you're a bad person either for being irritated sometimes, or losing your cool at all. Of course, you can't be rude about your opinions, but that does not mean you can't feel annoyance by any means. You can't exactly control your emotions all the time, after all.

Though, I would like to agree with Kaito one last time. If you haven't already, try and be more firm with your friends. More likely than not, they're just messing around, and hopefully they'll eventually realize that you're being serious about their remarks. It could take a while for them to stop, due to habits, but they'll at least make the effort in to do so.

Anyways, I actually had a bit of fun answering this ask Fanatic Anon. Thank you for sending this in, and I really hope that Kaito and I were able to help somehow. I wish you the best in the future, whatever it may hold. Farewell.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #Kaito Momota #K1-B0 #Kiibo #Mod Kaito #Mod Keebs

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ofanya · 4 years ago

Photo

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

⌠ NATALIA DYER, 21, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, ANYA CASIRAGHI! according to their records, they’re a SECOND year, specializing in AWARENESS TRAINING, BREATH CONTROL, HAND TO HAND COMBAT + RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (embroidery on lace, waking up early to catch the sunset, the scent of fresh strawberries, perfect balance on tiptoes). when it’s the (libra)’s birthday on 9/24/99, they always request their ARANCINI DI RISO from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 24, she/her, est ⍀ @gallagherintro

INSPIRATION.

cho chang – harry potter

grace blood – skins

esme cullen – twilight

yue – avatar the last airbender

lexi howard – euphoria

laurel castillo – how to get away with murder

jane bennett – pride and predjudice

ann perkins – parks & rec

kwon sun-hwa – lost

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR BIO.

anya is the third-born casiraghi child after salvatore (oldest) and nico (second-oldest) and the first girl. she’s labeled extremely bright from a young age, but she doesn’t start speaking until she’s almost five years old. the casiraghi parents aren’t even concerned, they don’t think speech is an important quality for a girl.

the first thing she ever says is a full sentence: “i want to go out with the boys.” it’s almost as if she could have spoken this whole time, she’d just been waiting. but of course, she’s told no, and she wants to be part of the lives that nico and salvatore lead but she’s pushed the side and told to be something else, something more ornamental.

goes to ballet and etiquette classes instead ( the casiraghis are taught in their own home, much too good for even the best of private schools ) and often feels like she has to make up or carry things in lieu of the behavior of her younger sister. cecilia is reckless and insolent, does what she likes, and anya is jealous, but not jealous enough to do the same. anya is held to a higher standard as she’s meant to set an example and there’s a bit of bitterness that grows in her because of that.

anya teaches herself as much about finance and business as salvatore and nico, but instead of her business or career prospects, her parents talk only of marriage proposals and future prospects. the education in espionage is a placeholder, she learns things so she’ll be able to make intelligent small talk at dinner parties or be a good companion for a man someday, not because she can run an empire. it’s very frustrating, but she takes this quietly, as always.

(DRUG ABUSE/OPIOIDS TW) anya breaks her ankle in dance practice when she’s 16, a compound fracture. it’ll heal, but she will never be able to dance in the same way again. there’s a numbness inside of her that only seems to be assuaged by the pills prescribed by her doctor that are intended to ease the pain. the pills ease the tightness in your chest every time she sits at the dinner table and long after her ankle heals, anya continues to use the pills like a crutch.

(OVERDOSE TW) she overdoses at 17 and is sent to a rehab facility. the entire ordeal is done very quietly, made to seem like a pleasant vacation – a dirty secret, something to be ashamed of, and it’s emphasized that anya should be so grateful to her family for taking care of her when she’s such a disappointment. she spends the summer at the best facility that money can by, and she returns clean, determined not to be such a disappointment, but the numbness doesn’t seem to quite fade.

she heads to gallagher academy at 19, following her brother nico to school in america. she has no idea of the legal proceedings going on under her nose because she’s just so excited to get out of the house, unaware why her parents are so quick to send her away. nico hates it, finds it unpleasant and uncouth and a lot of the students are slovenly, but anya loves it, thrives under the guise of freedom and the ability to speak in a classroom where her voice matters.

naturally, the casiraghi family loses everything, as you might recall. her parents say that anya’s lucky she’s pretty because she could still marry nicely, and if it’s soon then the casiraghi name might still mean something. they remind anya of how much she owes them, how good they were to her when she attempted to sour the family name.

PERSONALITY.

DIPLOMATIC. is really good at choosing her words in a way that keeps the peace and is very intentional about the language that she chooses to use. she believes a lot in 'fairness’ and everyone getting a fair chance at things, so on, and she’s good at controlling difficult situations without upsetting ppl.

NURTURING. has a very caring personality and always wants to look after others. she’s this way with plants and animals as well, and i think she’s really good at encouraging people to achieve their goals or advocate for themselves, she just can’t...do that for herself. but she will take care of u and smother u but in a loving way.

RELIABLE. will show up at your doorstep in the rain with an umbrella, the first person to complete everything in the group project, if she makes you a promise she will follow through and then some. u can say some shit about anya, but she is fucking dependable and will come through for you whenever you need her most or you don’t think you need her at all, she’s still there.

NON-CONFRONTATIONAL. will go out of her way to avoid a fight or try to keep the peace, she will also do this with others, putting herself in the middle of things to keep other people from fighting – she just will do ANYTHING to avoid a confrontation. annoying tbh.

NAIVE. she really doesn’t know much about the world at large and will always find herself believing the best in people or hoping for the best case scenario when it isn’t always true. this could be seen as a good thing, but i think pretty much anyone has the ability to take advantage of her, it’s not hard.

TIMID. anya has always had trouble advocating for herself and what she really wants, she has a lack of courage when it comes to fighting for her own passions and will easily take a backseat for others to take the spotlight. one direction vc: u don’t know ur beautiful

HEADCANONS.

idk why my brain was like . try to make this char into modern commentary on the 50s housewife but here we are

i had no idea what i was doing with her late-talking thing except trying to somehow manifest how oppressive her home was, but rowan sent me some article about einstein syndrome and how late talkers like anya are highly analytical thinkers so we’re going with that !

was jumped on by a very big dog when she was very small and her face got scratched, so she has a bit of a fear of large dogs...it’s not that she doesn’t like them in theory, they just scare her and she hasn’t seemed to outgrow it.

still loves to dance even though she’s well aware that she could never really do it professionally or on stage because of the way her ankle won’t bend, but you can usually catch her...somewhere on gallagher’s campus where she could practice privately ?

also does a lot of yoga to center herself, she loves early mornings and generally her routine is to get up, make a cup of tea, watch the sunrise and then do a little bit of yoga. routine makes her feel in control so she has a habit of sticking to it.

loves to bake and is really good at it ! happy to binge great british bakeoff with anyone but then she will want to try all of the recipes and challenges herself. she likes the exact science of it and it’s another one of her hobbies that helps her feel like she maintains a sort of balance within herself. if you do it right, it all works out – baking makes sense.

she’s had one certain relationship when she was pretty young and definitely is not a person for one night stands, so...she’s a virgin !

in general she is baby but she is also mom.

does not like most green vegetables but especially brussel sprouts.

will wince when other people curse, has a tendency to speak very proper herself because of the way that she was raised. has extremely good manners, table or otherwise.

gets really easily overwhelmed at big parties or functions with crowds of people and will generally find some excuse in order to, well, excuse herself. she just feels like she has to be ON all the time and it’s very exhausting to her, would much rather curl up and watch movies or something.

is very straight edge, doesn’t drink/smoke/etc as a result of her past, she stays away from anything that could increase temptation and make her fall back into past habits.

had/has a cat at home named gio, technically the family cat but it always felt the most like anya’s and it would sleep with her and everything however since the house was seized, no one has been able to find gio </3

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

best friend – i know, it’s hard to just plot this, but ! i would love someone who maybe was her roommate last year, the first person that anya met on campus and they just clicked right away and made anya feel really at home. i would love if this character was a foil for anya’s nurturing, softspoken nature, so a girl who is a bit louder and more confident.

childhood crush – idk someone who could have known the casiraghi family for years or operated in that scene, maybe from a wealthy family and anya has a long-time unrequited crush on them. anya’s really kind, but she probably acts a bit standoffish or rude toward this character, so they probably think she hates them.

bad influence – a character who’s a bit on the wild side who’s turned anya into their project – they want to get her out of her shell, help anya let loose and get out more, but maybe this is also some bad temptation for her since she has some...old bad habits.

good influence (on) – anya is PEAK mom friend, so i’m looking for a connection that really displays that, someone she looks after. she’s the first person they call when they’re too fucked up and she’s always texting them the homework (and maybe the answers too).

ex-family friends – maybe your character’s family testified against the casiraghi family in the court case and helped send anya’s parents to prison. so, anya and your character used to be close friends but now she avoids your character out of familial obligation.

fake dating? anya’s parents would like to pressure her into an engagement or see her with someone well-off, so if your character is from a rich asf family, perhaps they’ve done anya a solid. they’re not actually fake dating around campus or lying to their friends, but they’re close friends with anya and might go home with her to perpetrate the lie on a holiday when she goes to see sal and maybe they have taken a few cute selfies together for anya to send home – it would probably be YOUR character that suggests this to anya and encourages her to have a bit of freedom, so i imagine our chars would be friends.

first love/ex – someone that anya might have known or met when she was younger, probably through family connections. they would’ve been around 15 at the time, so a genuine first relationship (like probably first kiss for her), but at this age her mental health was really bad and they probably broke up as a result of going to rehab. perhaps they feel guilty about not being more supportive or perhaps they did all they could but it was too heavy? we can discuss, but either way, super angsty.

protector – idk i would just love if someone saw how much of herself she puts into taking care of others and wanted to take care of her/look out for her instead and they’re just that friend who is really protective of her and reminds her to look after herself too

crush – i just want her to have a little bit of a crush/affinity for a girl that helps her realize that she’s not straight because she’s too repressed and never considered anything except heterosexuality til this point idk i just like when girls.

enemy – probably an ex-friend or something like that. maybe anya trusted them with a secret and they betrayed her or they tried to throw her under the bus to gain something. or maybe anya just got on your character’s bad side by being too much of a goody-two-shoes.

idk give me someone that relentlessly flirts with her because they think it’s hilarious that she gets so shy and doesn’t really know what to do about it, and she really does not know what to do about it !

also am down to brainstorm since i know the casiraghis already have a bit of a reputation so...i’m blessed taking a sibling connection and perhaps we can just bounce off of things you’ve already plotted with deanna and/or kit ( cecilia & n*co ) !

#gallagher:intro #drugs tw #overdose tw

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whileyoursleeping · 5 years ago

Text

Habits

prompt: Just Eddie absentmindedly comforting Buck with a kiss to the forehead/head after a tough call. They aren’t even together and it just ends up becoming a thing they do.

idk man it’s been a long week i needed some fluff in my life

____________________________

Today doesn't feel like a win.

Buck joined firefighting because he got to be badass and help people at the same time, and that hasn't changed - he was telling the truth about that. He gets an insane rush from the bell going, from driving the truck with its lights and screaming sirens, from kicking in doors - people's worst days keep him on his toes and make him feel alive, and he'd feel bad about that if it weren't for the fact that he helps people.

They don't have deaths that often, really. It's a police thing, to go to the deaths. But sometimes the paramedics can't make it to help the cops out and then they're on deck and that's when things go sideways, usually.

He's broken five ribs of a nineteen year old today, a sweet and kind of frail looking girl who he thinks might've had an eating disorder of some kind - he knows what those look like. And her heart stopped, and they got there before anyone else, and he was the first to do CPR, the first to break her ribs, feel them give with absolute ease under his hands.

He feels everything. That's why he didn't join the SEALs. Because he feels it all and can't switch it off.

In the truck, Eddie's watching him. Buck resists the urge to squirm - Eddie knows him too well to think he's unaffected by today. He doesn't want Eddie to look.

Eddie taps his headset, then removes it. Buck follows suit reluctantly.

"You okay?" Eddie asks, loud over the roar of the engine.

"Yeah," Buck says, and he smiles, pretty convincingly if he does say so himself.

Eddie looks doubtful, but he pulls the headset back on, and they're quiet until they reach the 118. If Eddie shuffles a little closer, and Buck lets himself press his knee to Eddie's, no one says anything.

~*~

He's getting changed after the shift when Eddie finds him.

It's been a pretty shit day really. He's tired, and his leg is aching - it acts up when it's cold or when he's had a shit shift and he doesn't want to show it, so he grits his teeth and walks perfectly normally to his locker.

"Hey, Buckaroo."

It's Eddie's voice. He doesn't need to turn around. He lets himself feel a little warm at being called Buckaroo by Eddie, with the affection evident in his voice.

"Hey, man," he says.

"You want to come over tonight?" Eddie asks, stepping up to his locker near Buck's and beginning to shed his own uniform. "I'll pick up Chris from abuela's and we can have a pizza night. You still haven't seen Star Wars."

Buck wrinkles his nose. "I just don't get why people think Kylo Ren is hot," he argues.

Eddie laughs. "Yeah. Reminds me of my emo phase."

"Emo pha - what? Are there pictures?"

"Not that you'll ever see."

Buck pouts, and Eddie laughs. His face softens as he looks at Buck, and he steps a little closer.

"I'm sorry today was hard," Eddie says, sincerely, then pulls Buck down by the back of his neck and kisses his forehead.

Buck - because he's tactile and affectionate and loves being touched and having people near him - doesn't think twice about letting Eddie grab him by the neck, even when he's being pulled down again. He blinks, unsure of what to say, when he's let go.

But it felt nice. It felt really nice.

"Are you coming to pizza night?" Eddie asks.

Buck nods mutely. Eddie hasn't let his neck go. It feels nice to be held, even if it's just like this. Does Eddie even know he did it?

"Okay." He's let go, and he immediately feels cold, adrift. "I'll see you there."

~*~

Buck somehow makes it over to Eddie's, even though if you asked him he wouldn't be able to say how.

The moment he knocks, he can hear Christopher inside, yelling, "Dad, Dad, Bucky's here!" and the clatter of his crutches to get to the door.

Buck is ready. The moment the door swings open, Buck's grinning, pulling Chris up into his arms and swinging him around, resulting in a delighted fit of laughter. He kisses Chris's hair, inhales the little kid smell, and then puts him down.

"You always beat your dad to it, little man."

"That's 'cause he's slow!"

Eddie's laugh rings down the hallway. He enters a second later, in soft, worn blue jeans and a red henley that makes Buck's mouth feel kind of dry. Somehow, he feels underdressed in his own black jeans and white hoodie.

"Hey," Eddie says, and pulls him into a hug.

Buck - who is a touch-hungry, needy little pest at the best of times - melts into it, smiling so hard his face hurts. "I didn't miss pizza did I?"

"I made Daddy wait!" Chris crows. "Buck, come look at my science project!"

They eat pizza and Buck helps Chris with his science project, they play Mortal Kombat, and the night settles as Chris begins to yawn and requests a bedtime story from both of them. It's a little hard, two grown men crowded onto one single bed, but they manage, and Chris is out like a light halfway through the second story.

Eddie shuts the door to Chris's bedroom quietly and heads back to the kitchen. Buck has already started cleaning up.

"Don't do that," Eddie says. "You're a guest. Guests don't clean."

"Guests don't eat their friend out of house and home and then leave," Buck replies. Eddie smiles, then leans against the counter, almost nervous.

"Listen," he says, and Buck - detecting the change in the atmosphere almost immediately - sobers up, takes up a similar position, and waits to hear whatever this is - maybe the evening didn't go as well as he thought and he overstepped with the homework thing.

"I'm sorry about kissing you on the head," Eddie says. "I do it with Christopher when he's upset, and I was on autopilot. It was inappropriate of me. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't inappropriate," Buck says, flustered for a number of reasons (one of them being that he has never once in his life used the word "inappropriate" in conversation). "I liked it. It was nice."

Once realising what he said, he promptly starts praying for the ground to open up beneath him and swallow him whole, preferably for eternity. He's twenty seven and admitting he likes being kissed on the forehead. Fantastic.

"Oh." Eddie smiles. "That's... good then?" He looks a little awkward. "I just didn't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I'm not. Wasn't."

Eddie laughs. "You look pretty uncomfortable, Buck."

It's true. He's wedged himself into the corner counter with his hands deep in his pockets, makes a conscious effort to relax. "I thought I was in trouble," he admits.

"For what?"

"I don't know, something?"

"We gotta stamp that out of you," Eddie sighs, but his eyes are warm and face affectionate. "C'mon. You owe me a rematch."

~*~

It's sort of a habit after that.

They have some bad calls. Someone drowns, and Buck - who jumped in and pulled the guy out - shivers in the back of the firetruck in midwinter L.A temperatures until they get back to the firehouse. Eddie sits with him, puts a blanket around his shoulders, and presses a soft kiss to the side of his head.

Chimney's eyes just about bug out of his head, and Buck is almost ninety percent sure that Hen snapped a sneaky picture to show Bobby and Athena, but he's cold and wet and miserable and doesn't really care.

They send Eddie into the change rooms with him, because he's near hypothermic and they're worried about him collapsing. He gradually turns the water temperature of the shower up until it's scalding and stands there until his skin turns red and the shivering stops, and when he exits the showers, Eddie is there.

"You waited?" Buck asks, surprised.

"The last thing I want to have to tell Christopher is that his Buck died falling over in the shower because I wasn't paying attention."

Buck gets dressed, sits down on the bench, and sighs heavily. Eddie sits next to him.

"You okay?" he asks quietly.

"I just... wish he'd made it." A lot of things don't make sense to Buck after the tsunami. Why he lived even while cut and bleeding and on blood thinners, barely a month out of a pulmonary embolism that also should have killed him, and so many others died. "Doesn't make sense."

Eddie sighs, puts his arm around Buck's shoulders again, and draws him in close, until their thighs are pressed together. Eddie's lips press into his temple again, and Buck sighs at the contact.

"Easy, cariño," Eddie murmurs into his skin.

Buck weighs his options. No one is looking for him because Eddie is here with him, and he wants so badly to snuggle down into Eddie's warmth, but he also knows the guy isn't necessarily as tactile as him and almost definitely straight - he had a wife after all - but it's been a long time since someone held him, and not the other way around.

He takes a chance, nudges closer and down until his head is mostly tucked under Eddie's chin. Eddie, for his part, just raises his head to make more room for Buck.

Someone will look for them eventually, Buck knows. Still, he waits for Eddie to end their half-cuddle.

"If you get lonely tonight," Eddie says, quietly, "there's a spot for you at my place."

Buck doesn't believe him now, when it's light out and he knows where he is, but later - when it's dark and he's woken from a nightmare - believing Eddie or not won't matter.

~*~

"Chris!"

He's sitting up, nightmare fading, panic whirling through his mind like a twisted merry go round. There's water, he's breathing it in, and everything is upside down and he can't breathe.

"Chris, Chris-"

He's out of bed, going God knows where, makes it halfway down the stairs before he slips and falls. He crashes to the bottom, and the impact serves only one purpose - waking him up.

He finds his phone, dials Eddie. It's the only action his brain is capable of taking, even as he hates himself for waking the man up.

"Hullo?" Eddie's voice, sleepy, comes.

Buck tries to take a breath, but it catches. He feels cold.

"Buck?" Eddie asks, his voice sharper. "Are you alright?"

"Chris?" Buck asks, shyly, feeling suddenly very stupid for panicking.

"Chris is okay," Eddie says, calm. "Are you okay?"

He hesitates. Eddie breathes on the other end of the line, grounding him. "I had a nightmare," he says, gulping, "about the tsunami. Fuck, Eddie, I'm sorry, it's late-"

"Come over," Eddie interrupts.

"What?"

"Come over. You need sleep and you aren't gonna do that alone."

"Eddie, it's... well, I don't know what time it is, exactly, but-"

"Come over, Buck," Eddie says, and the line cuts out.

Unsure of what else to do, and honestly a little soothed by being ordered around, Buck packs a bag of his things and heads to Eddie's. The house is dark when he gets there, but as he sits in his car - debating turning around and leaving - the front door opens.

It's Eddie, in sweats and nothing else. God really has no mercy on Buck today.

He piles out of the car, feeling childish and stupid, but Eddie only smiles at him when he gets to the front door. "You okay?"

Buck nods mutely, but Eddie's frowning, and that's when Buck realises he woke up crying and almost hasn't stopped, and that he's limping.

"Come on," Eddie says, taking Buck's arm gently. "This way."

"The couch is-"

"You aren't sleeping on the couch, Buck. It's freezing."

"But I-"

Eddie pulls him down and kisses his head again, effectively ending his sentence. "We'll stop by Chris's room on the way," Eddie says quietly. "You can see for yourself that Chris is fine."

His throat closes up, so when he says, "Thank you," it sounds quiet and wobbly.

Chris is, sure enough, fast asleep and fine under his covers. Dry, safe. Buck watches him for a few minutes, until Eddie pulls him gently, and they go to Eddie's room. It's sparse, compared to Chris's - everything Eddie has, he gives to his son.

There's something attractive about that. Buck will definitely not analyse the fuck out of it later.

"Buck," Eddie says.

"Huh - yeah?"

Eddie's smiling gently. "The bed isn't gonna eat you."

He's been standing there long enough that Eddie has stripped down to the cut-off sweatpants he wears to bed. He's watching Buck expectantly.

Buck shrugs his way out of his clothes. It's not that he's shy about how he looks - he works hard and he knows it shows - but being around Eddie makes him nervous. He feels vulnerable. It's almost nice, in a terrifying way.

"You are thinking so damn hard," Eddie groans. He's already in bed, on his stomach, hands beneath the pillow. He's got a tattoo on his spine Buck somehow hasn't noticed before, and his lats are defined as if he'd been hand-drawn by an artist.

"Sorry," Buck says sheepishly, and climbs into the other side of the bed before he can really stop to consider what he's doing. He's tired, and his brain is fogged by the stress of his nightmare, and Eddie is offering him something he doesn't know how to ask for, so he takes it. Selfishly, he takes it.

He rolls onto his side, away from Eddie, and closes his eyes, willing sleep to come. He's keyed up still, from the nightmare that shook him awake and the implications of what being in Eddie's bed could mean alongside the kisses, and if he lets himself drift too much he's back in yesterday, feeling the drowning man's ribs break beneath his hands.

(He never wanted to hurt people, only help them. It turns out those can be the same thing. Nobody warned him.)

"Buck," Eddie says quietly.

Buck jumps. He thought Eddie was asleep. "Yeah?"

"Roll onto your stomach."

He does. It's easy to do what Eddie tells him to. The other man has never led him astray before.

"Easy," Eddie murmurs, which is the only thing that stops buck from jumping when he feels Eddie sitting at his hip, and Eddie's calloused hands on his shoulders, massaging.

He didn't realise how tense he was. He relaxes, lets Eddie manipulate his head from side to side and dig his fingers into all the tender parts Buck didn't know existed.

He's falling closer and closer to the edge of sleep. Even as he does, his belly stirs with heat - he hasn't been touched like this for a long time.

Eddie finds a knot under his shoulder blade, pulls his arm out a little to open the joint up, and digs in.

"Ow!" Buck says, only remembering to keep his voice down at the last second.

"Sorry, sorry," Eddie says guiltily. He'd jumped when Buck had flinched from the pain, and now he's rubbing gently, apologetically, at the kinks that make up Buck's spinal cord. "It's supposed to be relaxing. I didn't realise you were this tense."

"Me neither," Buck admits. "I was relaxed."

Maybe a little too relaxed. He's half hard, which means there's no way he's rolling over anytime soon. He wants Eddie to keep going - to maybe duck below the waistband of his sweats.

He doesn't think about it too hard. Being attracted to men is new, but it doesn't feel that different from being attracted to women. No, the part he's freaked about is that it's Eddie, and knowing Buck's streak of relationships, he'll almost definitely fuck things up.

"Good." He feels Eddie lay down next to him; his hand keeps moving up and down Buck's spine, soothing him. "Go to sleep, cariño."

Cariño, Buck muses. It sounds familiar, and affectionate. If he was more awake, he'd probably be able to work out why.

"Night," he mumbles.

"Goodnight, Buck."

~*~

He's half awake because the door is opening.

Sometimes, his SEAL training is effective. Sometimes, because he's out of practice and relaxed, it's not. Today it's at the halfway mark, where his body instinctively knows that someone is nearby, but doesn't care enough to react.

There's a heavy arm slung over his waist, and someone breathing nearby. Eddie, Buck thinks, and the knot of momentary panic in his chest eases.

"Daddy, you didn't tell me Buck was here!"

Buck groans, raises his head from the pillow to see Chris attempting to climb onto the bed. "Hey, buddy," he croaks. He reaches down with one arm, gets it around Christopher, and hauls him up. "Why're you up so early?"

"We're always awake this early," Eddie's voice mumbles. "Chris, we said no waking Daddy up before six thirty, didn't we?" His fingers flex at Buck's hip, and Buck wishes more than anything that Eddie was dragging him close to kiss him.

"It's six-thirty-five, Dad!"

Buck laughs sleepily, tucks Christopher closer to his chest. The kid goes easily, melts into his body and lays there with his hand on Buck's neck, grinning up at him brightly.

"Dad," Chris says.

Eddie makes a vaguely muffled noise that Buck thinks may sound like a prayer for death, but doesn't do anything else, other than sling his arm over Christopher's waist. His hand lands on Buck's hip, and Buck twitches helplessly.

"Yeah, buddy?" Eddie mumbles.

"How come Buck's sleeping in your bed?"

"Because he was tired."

There's a long pause, as if Chris is contemplating something - which is never good. "Mommy used to sleep in your bed too," Chris points out.

Dead silence falls over them. Buck freezes as Eddie, suddenly very awake, raises his head and looks right at Buck.

"I'm gonna go make breakfast," Buck says, and not only does he literally fall out of bed, he trips on his jeans in the doorway, causing Christopher to laugh and clap mercilessly. Buck loves the kid, but he's way too smart for his own good.

~*~

More close calls after that. Buck nearly falls off a ladder (again), which earns him a stern talking to by Eddie and a few off-handed comments from Chim about needing to lose a few pounds.

Eddie kisses him on the head that night before they leave, and Buck feels the spot his lips touched all night.

A week later, it's more of the same - a bad pileup and an overzealous Buck results in a burn to his hand, which is superficial but still has Eddie muttering in furious Spanish as he does first aid. Buck didn't know forehead kisses could feel angry, but this one does.

He decides to be more careful. Eddie's blood pressure can't take much more of this, he suspects.

Only even being careful Eddie finds reasons. He makes a perfectly logical call during a job and comes out unscathed (which hasn't happened in, like, three years at least) and Eddie is still worried and looking like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I'm fine, Eds," Buck says, and gives his best winning smile. "What, you worried about not keeping up with me?"

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Estúpido," he mutters, but he's almost smiling.

"Hey! I don't understand Spanish, but I can guess!"

Eddie finally cracks a grin and pulls Buck down by the collar to give him a quick kiss on the head.

"So," Chimney says, later, when they're getting changed. "How long have you and Diaz been a thing?"

Buck almost chokes on the muesli bar he's wolfing down. "Me and-? We aren't. We're not."

Chimney doesn't look convinced. "You sure he knows that?"

"It's just a, a thing," Buck splutters.

"I thought you said it wasn't a thing?"

"No, it isn't - we're not a thing, the kissing thing is a thing, it's not - it doesn't mean we're together! We're just friends!"

"Oh, please," Hen scoffs - she's waited for them outside the locker rooms. "Buck, have you seen the way that man looks at you? You aren't just anything."

"I thought he was gonna blow a fuse when Buck was hanging off that ladder," Chim says thoughtfully. "Just about tore strips off the maintenance guy for not fixing it better."

"He did?" Buck asks, a little awkward.

"Sure did, Buckaroo. He loves you."

Buck bristles. "I'm straight!"

Hen just outright laughs at that, and Buck wilts. "Well," he hedges. "I mean, I thought I was..."

"Honey," Hen says, "even I'm not resistant to the Diaz charm. You can't be held responsible for waving goodbye to straight in the rearview mirror."

Her and Chimney high five gleefully. Buck bangs his head dramatically against a firetruck. Just his luck that he'd end up falling for the guy who gives him totally platonic forehead kisses.

~*~

Things get decidedly more awkward after his revelation.

He's a floundering mess around Eddie, who doesn't even seem to take offence at it - he just smiles and laughs like Buck is the funniest person ever.

Everyone's having fun except him, given that he's trying to get his head around liking Eddie the same way he liked Abby and Ali.

The forehead kisses continue, except now Eddie's doing it when Buck's fine but Eddie's had a rough day. Buck considers starting except he doesn't know how to without making things infinitely worse for both of them.

Eddie notices he's being weird and brings it up all of once: "Look, I know you said it didn't bother you, but if you want me to stop, you can tell me to anytime-"

"It doesn't," Buck rushes to say. "Don't. I don't want you to. To stop that is."

God, hasn't the universe fucked with him enough already?

~*~

Eddie calls in sick two weeks later and Buck, because of who he is as a person, goes to the grocery store after work, picks up ingredients for soup, and goes around.

He's geared up to argue his way into the house, sure that Eddie won't want to see him when he's like this, so when Eddie opens the door to his knocking his jaw is set and he's ready to fight dirty to get inside.

"Buck?" Eddie asks.

"You look terrible," Buck informs him, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

"Thanks, Buck."

But he's right, Eddie does look bad. He's pale and his eyes are red-rimmed and he's wearing a hoodie, which he never does, that's a little too big on him.

"Bobby said you were sick," Buck says, "so I'm going to make you soup." He's nervous and trying to cover it up with confidence, and Eddie kindly doesn't call him on it. He just smiles a little.

"Do I get a say in this?"

"No," Buck says. "Where's Chris?"

"With abuela. I didn't want him to catch it. But she can't keep him a lot longer." Eddie's getting that hunted look in his eyes, the one he had when he first joined the 118 and didn't know how to access childcare and abuela had hurt her hip. "I'm not really up to looking after him either."

"I'll look after him," Buck says instantly. "We'll be quiet, I promise."

Eddie's face breaks into a smile. "You sound like you're trying to convince me to have a sleepover."

"Can we, Eddie? Pleeeease?"

Eddie laughs, coughs, and stands back to let Buck in. "Not that I'm not grateful," he says, "but why're you here?"

"I told you,, I'm making soup," Buck says matter-of-factly. "Go sit down somewhere."

Eddie takes a seat at the kitchen table, where he can watch as Buck works. Buck knows better than to pick this battle, so he says nothing, just starts unloading groceries from bags and chattering aimlessly as he gets preparing things.

"That was when the new guy slipped and fell right into it - grey water, man, pretty much the grossest shit you could ever go through and - that's my sweatshirt."

Eddie looks like a deer in the headlights, but Buck's certain he's not wrong. It's the white sweatshirt he'd worn here when they had dinner. After the first forehead kiss.

"Oh, really?" Eddie asks, so unconvincingly Buck actually snorts.

"Yeah." It's a little long on Eddie, but it fits well enough around his shoulders. "That's definitely mine. And you know it's mine."

"Sorry," Eddie mumbles.

"Don't be." Buck, a little slow on the uptake, realises two things simultaneously - one, that Eddie knew it was his sweatshirt and didn't return it to him, and two, that Eddie had knowingly put it on afterwards. He grins.

"You wanted to wear my clothes."

"Buck," Eddie says, almost whining. He's begging Buck to drop it but Buck has never known when to quit, even when he's ahead.

"My sweatshirt is your forehead kiss!" Buck crows.

"Dios mios," Eddie mumbles, holding his head in his hands. "Este imbécil no tiene idea..."

Buck feels like he should be at least a little bit outraged at the definite use of the word imbecile in that sentence, but he's too busy feeling warm and fuzzy at the idea that Eddie takes comfort in wearing Buck's clothes the same way Buck takes comfort in Eddie's forehead kisses.

"You love me," he says smugly.

Eddie looks up, then, smiling with his eyes warm and pinned on Buck, and Buck suddenly feels as though the floor has fallen away - he's looking at it, he realises. He said it as a joke, but he's looking at Eddie now and Eddie is looking at him and Eddie so clearly loves him it hurts.

"Te amo," Eddie says, still with that expression.

Buck doesn't need a translation for that. He knows what that means. He knows it means Eddie is putting his heart on the line for him, without much of an indication of how Buck feels at all.

He can feel how hard he's smiling, and if it hadn't been for the door opening he might've done something about the confession then and there. But then Chris is yelling, "Bucky's here!" and he can hear Eddie's abuela laughing in the background, and he goes to meet them - lets his hand catch on Eddie's shoulder, first, lingering, before getting to the door.

"Hey, buddy!"

Chris laughs as Buck swings him around. "No one said you were coming!" he says excitedly.

"I decided to surprise your dad." He puts Chris down. "You wanna help me make him soup?"

"Yeah!"

Chris heads for the kitchen, and Buck straightens, face-to-face with Eddie's abuela. She's smiling.

"Edmundo is very lucky to have a man like you," she says, pulling his shoulder until he leans down far enough for her to kiss his cheek. "Chico dulce."

He glows at the praise, at the acknowledgement that people know how Eddie feels, apparently, and that they think Buck is a good choice.

It's a quiet night after that. Buck makes soup with Christopher's help, then gets both Diaz boys situated in the living room. Christopher has math homework so complicated it makes both their heads hurt, but they have more luck with history, which mostly turns into Buck re-enacting some of the more dramatic civil war battles and attempting a poor English accent. Eddie - who has pretty much stayed on the couch since dinner - watches them and smiles.

Buck puts Chris to bed on time, reads him a story. As he's turning off the light, Christopher mumbles, "Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for taking care of Dad."

His heart swells. He leans down and kisses Chris's forehead. "Of course, kiddo. Sleep tight."

He leaves the door a crack open, with the hallway light spilling in, and goes back to the living room. Eddie sits up a little as he enters.

"About what I said before-" Eddie begins, his face worried and body tense beneath the blanket.

"Please don't take it back," Buck pleads.

Silence falls over both of them. Eddie stares at him, and Buck shuffles his feet around helplessly. Appearing small is hard to do when you're six foot two, but he's trying his best - it never worked with his dad, but it can't hurt to try.

"Buck," Eddie says quietly. "Come over here."

Buck obeys mindlessly, goes to the couch and folds down on it awkwardly. Eddie sits up - if Buck looks carefully, he can see that there are light tremors shaking his frame. Maybe the fever is breaking.

"I wasn't going to take it back," Eddie says gently. "I was going to apologise for blindsiding you, but I wouldn't ever take it back."

Buck opens his mouth, then shuts it. "Chimney was right," he realises aloud.

Eddie frowns. "Chimney?"

"Chim told me you loved me! And that that's why you were kissing me so often!"

Eddie smiles that patient smile of his. "Why else would I be doing it?"

Buck flounders. Is he seriously the last person to know about this? Why is it that everyone always knows these things before him?

Eddie laughs, then. "Buck," he says. "You look like someone killed your puppy."

"I'm dumb," Buck moans, sinking further into the couch.

"Hey." Eddie reaches out and takes Buck's face between his hands, sending an instant flush through him. "If I'm right, and you want this as well, then of course you didn't realise. Maybe it felt too good to be true. You're not dumb."

Buck blinks. "I want to kiss you," he says.

"You'll get sick," Eddie reminds him gently. "But if you stay the night, maybe tomorrow."

"Okay," Buck says, smiling. "I'll stay."

#buddie #9-1-1 buddie #evan buckley x eddie diaz #nibbles writes things

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kurowrites · 4 years ago

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This Cursed Broken Heart - Part II

Second part to this. All parts. I wanted to finish the entire thing, but I don’t have the energy right now, so well. Have part two of three or four, idk.

---

Sunday comes, and Wei Ying’s nervousness has not abated one bit.

He doesn’t have to be worried about Lan Zhan, he knows that. Lan Zhan has always been a favourite with his extended family, because let’s face it, Lan Zhan is the kind of boy you want to introduce to your family. Lan Zhan is the kind of man that your family hopes you’ll marry one day.

Wei Ying is the kind of boy your family always warns you about.

That error in judgement really came back to haunt Lan Zhan later on. Wei Ying still remembers the moment when he looked at Lan Zhan and realised that they were stuck in a hole they couldn’t get out of. And that’s when he had known it was time to leave.

He doesn’t have to be worried about Lan Zhan, but he has to be worried about his own messy feelings.

He picks Lan Zhan up at 10 o’clock sharp, and as always, Lan Zhan is already waiting for him. He’s wearing a form-fitting white three-piece suit and a light blue shirt today, but has foregone a tie to break the formal stiffness of the look. Instead, a patterned silk handkerchief in tucked into his breast pocket. He looks effortlessly elegant, as if he’s just stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine. Wei Ying hates it, because goddamn, it makes him feel inadequate. His own black suit and red shirt combo make him look crummy in comparison.

It also makes him want to worship at the altar of Lan Zhan again.

He slaps his best smile on his face and leads Lan Zhan to the car.

“Just tell Granny Yu you’ve been very busy with work if she asks anything private, ok?” he tells Lan Zhan as they drive off. “And ignore Jiang Cheng. He’s grumpy because I managed to recruit you. He has to face the aunties on his own now. They’re going to try and matchmake this year too, set him up with some unsuitable and unlucky girl, I have no doubt. He hates it, but he still never manages to tell them to stop.”

“You are not dating?” Lan Zhan asks, which isn’t really what Wei Ying intended Lan Zhan to take away from this conversation.

Wei Ying shoots him a quick, considering look, but Lan Zhan isn’t looking at him.

“No,” he says eventually. “That would be a little weird, wouldn’t it? ‘I know we’re dating but I need to take my ex to this party because Granny Yu expects him to come.’ No, that wouldn’t work out well. Might as well ask them to break up with me at once.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t deign an answer to that, and keeps staring out of the car window in silence. Wei Ying falls silent, too, not knowing what to talk about next. Every topic seems to be fraught with dificculties. He knows so much about Lan Zhan, but asking him about his rabbits, his brother or if work is going well seems either shallow or cruel, depending on how you look at it.

They drive on without speaking again, until they finally arrive at the venue.

“There we are,” Wei Ying sighs. “Okay, Lan Zhan, it’s time to put on your boyfriend hat. Have you decided what you want as your reward? Remember that I’m poor, though. I can’t get you expensive things.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t reply, but he gets out of the car and goes around to the other side, so he can help Wei Ying out. He often did that, when they dated; old-fashioned chivalry that never failed to make Wei Ying blush. As if it still comes natural to him, Lan Zhan’s hand settles on the small of Wei Ying’s back once he’s out of the car, and he guides him towards the entrance with an ease Wei Ying is jealous of. A pulse of white-hot electricity races up and down Wei Ying’s spine at being touched this way by Lan Zhan.

Not a single person has touched him like this for an entire year, and the fact that it’s Lan Zhan who’s doing it, doing it again, makes something in Wei Ying’s brain go a little fuzzy.

They step into the fancy restaurant that Jiang Fengmian reserved for his birthday party, and they are immediately welcomed by a stampeding horde of noisy relations. Everyone is here, from his little toddler cousins to that one great-aunt that’s like a hundred years old, and it’s both painfully familiar and yet also tinged with a sense of enduring strangeness. None of these people are connected to him by blood, after all. He’s not here because he belongs.

He never even met his actual grandparents.

Lucky for Wei Ying, Lan Zhan is a bastion of calm in the noisy chaos of the Jiang family coming to greet them. They congratulate Jiang Fengmian and enjoy the thirty seconds of attention he can bestow upon them, and then continue greeting all other members of the family. Lan Zhan sticks to his side, so he simply stays right where he is, half-shielded by Lan Zhan, and pastes a friendly smile on his face.

‘Yes, look here,’ he says to himself. ‘Your token gay cousin and his boyfriend are here.’

It’s a ridiculous notion, but it keeps him smiling. And it’s not wrong. Most of the offspring in the Jiang family has married early, and everyone married a heterosexual partner. All of them also got busy producing more offspring basically from the wedding night onwards. The only notable exception is Jiang Cheng, who is a late bloomer if there has ever been one, and Wei Ying, of course. Wei Ying, who always thought he was straight but never felt he should date or marry, until he fell head over heels for Lan Zhan. Wei Ying, who hasn’t looked at another person since.

Literally any other cousin in this family that is over the age of eighteen is married and has produced at least one child already. It’s kind of insane.

“Lan Zhan!” a voice drowns out the general cacophony of noise. “It’s so good to see you!”

And out of the middle of the crowd appears a tiny old woman, leaning heavily on her cane. Granny Yu is as old as stone, and her legs are bad, but her voice still carries with the vigour of a woman who’s used to being obeyed.

Lan Zhan obediently leans down so Granny Yu can inspect him. As usual, she seems to have no complaints as far as Lan Zhan is concerned. When she turns her eyes to Wei Ying, however, they become critical.

“Wei Ying!” she belts. “You are so thin! Look at you! Lan Zhan! Are you feeding him right?”

“Granny Yu,” Wei Ying tries to appease her, “I’m already an adult, I can take care of myself.”

“Nonsense,” Granny Yu grouses. “You’ve always been a terrible eater. Always hoarding your food until it went bad. Lan Zhan, you need to make sure that he’s eating.”

It’s embarrassing, to get reminded of the little habits he picked up while living on the streets. He got rid of that particular habit one year or so after he was adopted by the Jiang family, but Granny Yu never forgot about the time when she discovered his little food hoard, and has been checking his size, weight and general health ever since. She always tells her many grandchildren to eat, but with Wei Ying she’s that more tenacious. And once Wei Ying started dating Lan Zhan, she never failed to remind Lan Zhan to feed him properly. And Lan Zhan, with infinite patience, agreed with her every single time, promising to take care of Wei Ying.

Well, he did use to feed Wei Ying. But Wei Ying’s current state, which he thinks is hardly different from his usual state, is not Lan Zhan’s responsibility. If he’s a little thinner than usual, that’s on himself. Still, Lan Zhan nods seriously as he’s being admonished by Granny Yu.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying says, and it’s easy to lay his hand on Lan Zhan’s chest to get his attention, as if he never stopped doing it. “Don’t listen to her. I can feed myself.”

Lan Zhan looks at him, and the mulish expression on his face is familiar enough that Wei Ying can read it immediately. Lan Zhan has said it to him before: ‘A little more weight won’t hurt you. And a little more food does neither make you greedy nor a glutton.’

“I will eat to my heart’s content today, Granny Yu,” Wei Ying says out loud, because he really wants to shut down this discussion as soon as possible. “So don’t blame Lan Zhan, hmm?”

Granny Yu seems slightly mollified by his promise. She huffs once, and then starts herding people towards where she wants them at the large tables prepared for them.

Wei Ying is relieved once Granny Yu is gone. The first test has been passed, and no one seems to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.

That changes the next moment when Jiang Cheng suddenly appears next to Wei Ying.

“I can’t believe you actually brought him with you,” he hisses into Wei Ying’s ear.

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Ying warns him. “We’ve talked about this.”

“You’re just trying to garner points with Granny Yu,” Jiang Cheng shoots back. “Because she always liked you best.”

Before anything more can be said, Wei Ying finds himself pulled away from Jiang Cheng. He just catches Lan Zhan’s angry glare (directed at Jiang Cheng) out of the corner of his eye, then he’s maneuvered to the seats that have been reserved for him and Lan Zhan.

“Sorry,” Wei Ying whispers to Lan Zhan once they’re seated. “I warned him like three times not to say anything.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t reply, but he takes Wei Ying’s hand into his own and lifts it to press a kiss on his knuckles.

The lips that brush his skin are soft and warm. It’s so gentle, and so sweet.

It’s too much.

The gesture is far too intimate; too intimate for what they are no more, too intimate for the occasion, too intimate for Wei Ying’s heart.

He pully his hand out of Lan Zhan’s hold, attempting to make it seem natural and not like he’s trying to escape the affection of his own (fake) boyfriend. Still, he has to take a few deep breaths to collect himself. It’s too much. He feels shaky. He was a fool when he thought he could casually see Lan Zhan for one day and not be haunted by the ghosts of the past that he never managed to exorcise the entire time.

Lan Zhan doesn’t try to engage him again. Instead, he exchanges a few words with one of Wei Ying’s uncles seated across the table, and the bustling around them continues as if everything is perfectly fine, until the food finally arrives.

#kuro writes #the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #broken heart fic

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twilightpoison · 4 years ago

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Diabetic head cannons but for a different fandom? More likely then you think, because i need to keep myself awake until i can get a second opinion on what to do next. So have fun with my rambles about selected Ikerev boi’s that will not make sense.

Warning: Needles unedited and cursing because lack of sleep

General head canons:

- alright just to start out lets say Alice is from our time, not sure how they dealt with diabetes back in the 19th century but apart of me is saying it wasn’t that good.

- So with falling into cradle really in theory out of the suitors, Kyle would be the only one who would know what the fuck is going on.

- Probably during the chase out of the garden Alice’s blood runs low and she doesn’t have glucoses tablets on her or something. Zero would ask what’s up and she would give a small explanation with Kyle cutting her off to finish her sentence.

- Anyway is already canon that Zero always has lollipops on him so thats how she doesn’t die from low blood sugar and gets like 15 different flavors of lollipops.

- Alice depending on the route would probably end up with him as her doctor and supplier of insulin and needles until the full moon.

Lancelot:

- dude imma be straight with y’all, he’s suffering.

- Do you think he can administer glucagon? He cant even take getting a shot.

- Plus he probably cant even watch Alice giving herself an insulin injection.

- Alice would probably be more considerate with that last one though.

- I cant see Lance’s Alice being the type to just do it in the open because of how much Lance hates needles.

- If Alice mentions about how her world has Pods or sensors that negates the needles, you can bet he’ll get someone to create something similar.

- The first person i think of is Oliver so probably him.

- Despite hating seeing Alice inject herself, he does often make sure she does.

- Carb counting and the conversions he can help with too.

Jonah:

- ey I know the relationship here is built on the mutual love of sweets, and you think because Alice is a diabetic she wouldn’t eat to much of it.

- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Nah that wont stop her. If anything she would be the type to 100% eat sweets on the regular and not care about it. Trust me I knew someone like this and I too wondered how the fuck was she still alive.

- Once Jonah realizes what’s up though... he probably be very strict on Alice’s sweet intake.

- Alice is probably chaotic enough that he knows he can’t stop her, because lets be real here. Edgar would give her some of his candy so really its the lesser of to evils.

- Would definitely track the blood sugar levels, you would think he was the one that had it. Thats how detailed it is.

- Probably keeps in mind on what foods they like to eat and how many carbs are in there so when the two of them are on a date and Alice is struggling to carb count he knows what’s up and tells her how much to give.

- Jonah would probably be reluctant to stab Alice with glucagon or insulin. He would know how to but its something else doing on someone you care about.

- He would be internally panicking probably.

Edgar:

- tbh wasnt expecting to put him in this but now that i think about it, Edgar would definitely some how know right away.

- I haven’t played his route yet though so there isn’t much I can comment on. But what I can comment on...

- Edgar would always have sweets on him and some how always know how much Alice need to take.

- How the fuck he gets this information I can’t tell you, because I don’t even know.

- Another boy that can track her levels better then she can herself.

- He would probably be able to stab Alice with glucagon or insulin if something happens. I wouldn’t trust him to, but he knows how so its better then no one doing it.

- Definitely wouldn’t panic if something bad happen, he would become serious but nothing else.

- Would always keep a watchful eye for signs of lows or highs.

- After finding out what candies Alice likes he would definitely carry those around him more often.

Kyle:

- havent played this bois route part 2.

- BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS IS PROABBLY SUPER EXCITING FOR HIM.

- Stressful yes, BUT EXCITING.

- As mentioned Cradle is in the 19th century while Alice is from the 21st. There is so much they don’t know about Diabetes that Alice can tell him about.

- Would 100% try to get Oliver to invent a insulin pump or a Blood Sugar sensor, after hearing about them.

- probably gets into the habit of carrying around glucose tablets and makes sure Alice has all their stuff with them as well.

- Constant check ups for Alices levels and condition, this is a new world that doesn’t have everything she has back at home so they need to be diligent with keeping up with that sort of thing.

- Idk if he would know that sometimes Type 1 can also have Celiac but if he does he would ask.

- If not Alice would probably let him know if they do or not.

- Kyle would probably make sure the kitchen staff knows to give Alice low carb meals most of the time.

- anything to make this easier to control until the full moon.

- This is obvious but Kyle would 100% stab Alice with a needle if in an emergency.

Zero:

- a baby- he always has lollipops on him.

- The first time it was just luck on Alice’s part that he did, but now he is like the go to man to get sweets from. (Aside from Edgar.)

- I dont think Zero would be to involved with helping. Its not really something he knows to much about.

- However that doesn’t stop him from helping out.

- Aside from carrying sweets he also gives gentle reminders after meals or if Alice has a snack or something to take insulin to cover it.

- Would probably be the third most confident with stabbing Alice with a needle if need be.

- You know how he gives Alice those earrings that tell him if she is in danger?

- Imagine him getting something similar but its like an ID bracelet that lets him know if there is an emergency.

- He mostly lets Alice take care of everything herself though.

- Its the small things that he can make alittle better.

- Definitely would be the type to make the frustrating times better with sweet words and cuddles.

I’m not gonna do the black army tonight (today? Idk). I just gotten the ok to sleep. Hopefully my 24 hour lack of sleep brain did good lol.

#ikemen lancelot #ikemen revolution #ikemen jonah #ikemen kyle #ikemen edgar #ikemen zero #ikemen revolution headcanons

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musings-on-bucky-barnes · 5 years ago

Text

Q&A Part 3 with Owlet about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series

Here is Part the Third of Owlet answering questions about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series and also about her other writing. Some of the questions are from readers of the first Q&A, and some come from a Tumblr post of suggested questions for writers.

Warning for discussion of rape.

OWLET'S NOTE:

Thanks for all the cheers and good wishes on part 2! I'm glad people think the behind-the-scenes stuff is interesting and not just me being a windbag.

I was delighted that so many of you seem interested in my novel! It's not available anywhere yet: I still have to find an agent, and who knows how the heck long that's going to take? (I am NOT cut out for self-publishing.) But I certainly hope it'll find a home. If you want to keep up with me on tumblr (vmohlere) or twitter (virginiamohlere), I assure you that when such time comes, I will scream about it a LOT.

Pink floaty hearts, y'all.

Reader questions:

From EssayOfThoughts:

I know that you say that you like to imagine AOU doesn't exist, but I will admit (because I find Wanda deeply compelling and the twins story as a whole very interesting) that I've wondered a lot about how your Bucky would deal with the Maximoff twins? Like, on the one hand there's Wanda's ability to mess with minds, which he'd hate, but simultaneously (at least according to the AOU prelude comic) the twins was effectively radicalised by HYDRA while they were pretending to be SHIELD and expected to be their weapons which is not wholly dissimilar to Nat or Bucky. So if you're willing to acknowledge AOU just enough to ponder this I'd really like to know your thoughts! If not, of course, I understand.

Wanda’s not a character I’ve given much thought to. You’re right that her abilities would freak Barnes out. But he has a strict policy of observation before reaction, so he would give them a chance. And they’re so young (and so broken) that his protective instincts would kick in. I think they could probably count on some wary kindness, along with a dose of irritation at Pietro’s shenanigans.

From Ev42:

Thing I can't stop thinking about today: babies. Specifically, Bucky + baby = ???

I personally am a sucker for "Steve knows nothing, Bucky's a pro" thing re: babies. Mix that up with the Mission and the Briefing and what would we get? I keep think about, idk, maybe Sam has a niece or nephew, or one of the Olds has a grandchild or grandniece or something, and I just really want your thoughts on Bucky + baby... Please?

Barnes would be too worried about inadvertently hurting an infant to be willing to touch one, though he likes the directness of slightly older kids.

If in the presence of Steve trying to deal with an infant, the Briefing would definitely have a lot of commentary about everything he was doing wrong.

From Fred1085:

I guess if I had one question though it would be: Do you always see Bucky existing as Barnes, the Briefing, and the Mission, or do you see a time in his future in which those aspects of him would be more integrated. Not through the magical Asgaridan science, but through his own force of will/healing?

He definitely does become more integrated over time. The Mission is a protective identity, and as he needs it less, it recedes. The Briefing is literally his memories, which he does recover many of over time, though that’s a long and painful process. There’s a lot of regression throughout the long-term forward progress. But he keeps some of the habits, like “confirm” and “deny.”

MusingsOnBuckyBarnes:

After “This, You Protect”, the Mission went to ground so to speak for a bit and Bucky was distressed at its loss, at it not communicating with him. But over time as he heals and it recedes, he wouldn’t be so upset?

Exactly. When the Mission’s going quiet is part of the organic process of healing, he misses it but isn’t upset by its loss.

From stentorian_lore_n:

Did Bucky and Steve ever make a donation to Sam's VA?? :)

Yes, of course! But Sam had to be bullied into buying a better chair for himself, because he wanted all the money to go to programs.

There’s a lot of red tape involved with how much money the center can receive in donations, so Steve & Bucky give that much each year, even much later, when Sam does in fact move to NYC to become an Avenger.

From englishghosts:

Also, since you're taking questions, I'd like to ask you something. (TW RAPE)

Although Bucky suffering sexual abuse and torture "for fun" during his time with HYDRA makes perfect sense in my head (70 years in the hands of powerful white men who had complete control over him, it's difficult to imagine nobody got ideas), especially with the imagery of the bank scene, it's something we don't see that often in fics outside certain areas of fandom. I'm really glad you included this, because for me it not only makes it more realistic, but also it brings an extra layer into Bucky reclaiming himself and being comfortable with touching and his feelings for Steve. So the question is what made you decide to include it in this fic?

Like you say, powerful men with a powerful man under their complete control, over the course of 70 years – to me, it’s a given that among the many abuses he suffered was sexual abuse. It was always part of the character, for me, one of the many layers that he needed to work through to reclaim both his body and his self.

I started to think that the romantic-physical relationship with Steve was an inevitable part of Barnes’s healing process, because he and Steve really just do love each other SO much. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that given the style that I’d set up, writing Barnes’s reactions to things kind of obliquely, would be SUPER FUN for writing about bodies and sex. I cackled my whole way through writing that section.

And, you know, there were a lot of commenters who were like “hey man where’s the smut?” – a few of them NOT SO NICELY. I’m glad I stuck it in its own section, though, because I know there are also a lot of people who like to only read the gen parts.

From Selkieinthesea:

How did you come up with the curses? My favorite is “Lenin’s pickled scrotum.” It makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’d use it, but I have toddlers so then I’d have to explain what pickling is, what a scrotum is and why you’d pickle one.

That is a mystery and a blessing from the part of my brain from which jokes arise. Every one of them delighted me. “Lenin’s pickled scrotum” hearkens back to college jokes in Russian History class about how they embalmed Lenin with a mixture of Twinkie filling and maraschino cherry juice, and of course scrotums are always hilarious, I don’t know how people who have them even deal.

from Ev42 (about the fic “Love Is for Children”):

Nicholas. Anything to do with Nick Fury? Bc I think that'd make his faking-my-death-without-telling-Natasha sting that much more. Ouch.

I'm trying to imagine how Nicholas meeting the gang would go. I... have no idea? Barnes would bake, of course, but what? The Olds would be happy. Barton already knows. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the hurt/happy ratio for the rest would be

I actually have a tiny bit of this written out – it was originally going to be another piece of ICaPD, but I couldn’t get it to have any kind of arc to it, and the pacing was just BALLS.

Anyhow, yes, Nicholas is named after Nick Fury. His sperm donor is no one of import, and the only one of the Avengers who knows about him is Clint.

The snippet I never wrote involved Bad Guys kidnapping Nicholas & Steve/Barnes/Nat/Clint/Sam going on a rescue mission.

In this universe, Nat & Clint have a couple of Barton-Romanoffs, of whom Nicholas is the first (Clint adopts him). Tony & Pepper likewise have several kids in this universe.

The remaining questions are from a “Fanfiction Writer Asks” Tumblr post by criminal-minds-fanfiction:

Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I haven’t written a reader-insertish kind of thing since I wrote a Duran Duran scifi AU when I was 14 years old. Original characters are where it’s at.

What is your favourite genre to write for?

Fantasy, for sure. Tho romance tends to worm its way into most of my stuff.

If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

I think This, You Protect has better pacing than The Long Road Begins at Home, and writing it helped me fall back in love with writing.

If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Um. Maybe my Loki poem? Tho I don’t think it’s necessarily bad.

When is your preferred time to write?

First thing in the morning, tho I’m grateful to be able to write almost any time. In the past couple of years, I've gotten into writing into the notepad on my phone, so I literally write any- and everywhere.

Where do you take your inspiration from?

Absolutely everywhere.

In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? [Any of your Bucky fics]

The chapter of Team-Building Exercises where Barnes & Pepper go to France is something I’m so proud of. I think I did pretty well with the action and the pacing in that one, and I love writing Pepper.

Their first Thanksgiving, with the Sandwich of Suffering, is also a favorite.

In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? [The Long Road Begins at Home]

It was always going to go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

ARGH NAMES. What a pain. Second only to titles in terms of terribleness. I try to roll a few names around and chew on them until I find the one that feels right.

Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have notes for 3 more sections of Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail – one that’s pure fluff, one that’s an action scene, and one at the very end of their lives. But I dunno. For one thing, the last one is unbearably sad. And I don’t really have Barnes’s voice in my head anymore. I think it’s time to be done.

More about the action scene is answered in response to a reader question in the previous section. The Sad Ending is just too far off in tone that it doesn’t fit the series at all, so let’s leave it in a dark drawer. But Barnes & Steve live for a very long time and remain faithful to the successive generations of their Avengers family. And when they go, they reach the end of the line together.

The fluff scene is CAT JACK and will post on Friday, June 7. (it's not a full story, just a snippet)

Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

The epilogue chapter of This, You Protect has some cute jokes, but it’s pretty weird, and I kind of wish I’d left it off.

Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Depends on the day. I definitely like music when I’m Pondering, though.

How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

LOVE IT

Do people know you write fanfiction?

People know about my MCU fic, yes.

What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?

That’s like asking about my favorite child!! Hill is definitely up there on the list, though. Hair Club in general was fun to have around.

Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I wish I could remember what it was, but yes. That was really fun.

If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Smut, because I think the best smut is also really emotional, so it’s not like cutting out angst, fluff, or anything else.

xXx

The link to the full list of questions for fanfic writer is here:

http://criminal-minds-fanfiction.tumblr.com/post/172926526725/fanfiction-writer-asks

(EDIT: link appears to be maybe-broken?)

#infinite coffee and protection detail #ic&pd #q&a #warning for discussion of rape #bucky barnes #owlet #reader questions

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gotatext · 5 years ago

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PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad.

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass.

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well.

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze). animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing

#wshedtask002

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eyecicles · 6 years ago

Note

idk if you want to answer this but I've come across a theory several times now and I'd like to know your opinion: B creates 'Ryuzaki'. L adopts some of B's 'Ryuzaki' traits. L is still naturally quirky but he amplifies his weirdness. Thoughts?

Short answer: No

Long answer:

The biggest problem with theories like that, is that “Another Note” and “Death Note” were written by different people and I don’t think at all that AN is anywhere near the level of canon the manga is. This is actually a good thing, because otherwise we would have a lot of annoying contradictions (AN is filled with them already, lol) and I’d rather not have that.

So I could make this relatively short and point to what we have in the manga about the LABB case, which is this scene:

A case L hardly even remembers, since he has to google Naomi first, even though it was only one and a half years ago.

I tend to not believe that we’re supposed to read a book - not written by Obha/Obata - about a case L probably doesn’t even care about, to understand why L is so “eccentric” or “more eccentric than he naturally was even though he still is a bit weird”.

Not to mention that AN!L isn’t exactly like manga!L to begin with. If we don’t even consult HTR13, B isn’t canon at all. He’s briefly mentioned in the HTR13 as someone who “challenges L, a man he admires” (l o l). In the manga, there’s only a “perpetrator” of the “Los Angeles BB Serial Murder Case”.

The manga doesn’t offer an explanation to why L is the way he is and, really, do we even need one? A lot of characters use codenames, a lot of characters have strong personalities, Mello and Near are just as “quirky”, so why should L’s personality need an explanation when no one’s else does? The manga doesn’t ask why L is “weird” while “Another Note” asks us all kind of questions about who’s “Ryuzaki”. Chances are, the answer is not one to a question the manga doesn’t ask. We, as the readers, made that an issue and maybe there’s nothing to solve. Seriously, I think that’s a perspective not enough people think about.

I do, however, believe that everyone can decide on their own how seriously they take “Another Note”. So let’s talk about the novel:

The theory doesn’t work without first!L (except if you want the most vague concept of “L” possible, maybe). And, uh, I don’t want to kill anyone’s mood but *whispers* he doesn’t exist. In HTR13 Ohba and Obata famously talk about the changes in L’s design, but ok, you don’t have to take HTR13 seriously either, if you really don’t want to. We can all just look at the actual story in the manga and wonder why L’s face, shoulders, neck, and hair suddenly look different even before he decided to show his face to the task force. Why not.

Anyway, let’s pretend for a moment that first!L does exist, despite everyting pointing towards the opposite direction; what does first!L do?

Well…… He’s barefoot, crouching on the floor, wearing jeans and a simple shirt… Oh wait! That’s mostly stuff B does, as Ryuzaki, too. Did B, by change, create a persona that closely resembles first!L?!

Or does B already know a thing or two about L? “Another Note” is weird and dumb and confusing and tells us that B has never met L (which doesn’t bother me that much, considering how shit B’s L impression is, haha), but let’s look at this quote:

“If L’s a genius then B’s an extreme genius. If L’s a freak, then B’s an extreme freak. Now it’s time to get ready. There are things I must do before B can surpass L. Henh henh henh henh.”

B thinks L is a freak (”a genius and a freak” makes it clear that his freakishness is something seperate from his brilliance as a detective). Why? Because he knows that he’s weird. Somehow. Even if he didn’t met him. And this simultaneously tells us why B’s impersonation of L is so shite and totally over-the-top: B wants to be the extreme freak. B wants to surpass L’s level of brilliance and weirdness (don’t ask me why). L doesn’t soften B’s quirks, B amplifies L’s.

And I know people who believe in the Ryuzaki Persona theory tried to discredit this quote:

There was something about him that reminded her of Rue Ryuzaki—of Beyond Birthday. But the resemblance was backward, like this was the original, and the other had been a copy.

But, uh, I, for one, think it’s pretty straightforward. There’s nothing vague about it in my opinion, and I’m convinced it isn’t some secret brain twister. By now, we’re supposed to already know that Ryuzaki isn’t actually L. We’re at the end of the novel and Mello (who met L in person) tells us through Naomi what happened. It would be completely redundant to tell us that “B imitated L” even more obviously. (By the way, L has never seen B as Ryuzaki and Naomi doesn’t even describe him to L - she only tells L vaguely that he’s “weird”, which seems to upset L.)

Thankfully, we have another quote like the one above (this time directly from Mello):

I need hardly explain again that the murders themselves were not his purpose. So what was he doing? Again, I hardly need to explain—he was challenging the man he copied, the century’s greatest detective, L.

“Copying” implies more than just challenging someone in a detective war. “Copying” doesn’t mean that B wants to become L - he doesn’t - and it doesn’t mean that he’s “copying” his investigative methods, because, again, he actually doesn’t.

But okay, cool, let’s pretend B copied L and then L copied some of the quirks B added (?). Which ones? His love for sweets? His bad posture?

A burden so great it would leave you hunched over. A bitter taste in your mouth that would leave you longing for sweets.

That’s how Mello describes L.

The dark circles under his eyes?

There were lines under his (L’s) eyes so dark she wondered if they were actually done with makeup. Like he hadn’t slept in days—or like he had never slept in his life. Like his sense of justice would not allow him time to sleep, since he had so many difficult cases to think about, battling unfathomable pressure on a daily basis.

Again, Mello - via Naomi - disagrees. Mello has some weird theories indeed, but since the novel paints L as waaay more sympathetic than the manga does anyway, I’m pretty sure we’re meant to believe him here. (Not to mention that the manga tells us very clearly that L has some weird sleeping habits.)

By the way, I’ve seen this line -:

There were lines under his eyes so dark she wondered if they were actually done with makeup.

- quoted out of context, which is pretty dishonest. The novel goes on to explain us why L looks like that and even very clearly contrasts it to B:

Still grinning to himself, he (B) faced the mirror, brushed his hair, and began applying his makeup.

He probably sleeps pretty sound at night. Another interesting B & L contrast:

Apparently he (B) was capable of consuming non-sweet things too.

Yes, unlike L. B is willing to break his act then and now, L is canonically very uncompromising .

And B also picked the name “Rue Ryuzaki” specifically to fit his entire L masquerade:

B approached Naomi Misora, calling himself Rue Ryuzaki. Rue Ryuzaki– L.L. For anyone from Wammy’s House, there could be no higher goal than identifying yourself with that letter—andBeyond Birthday seized this case as his chance.

Everything about “Ryuzaki” is about L.

You know, I’ve talked about this before, but beside the fact that L’s quirks are added gradually - and not with a BANG! for the task force or whatever - L’s crouch, L’s posture, L eating and drinking lots of sugary stuff, L biting his fingers, L having dark circles under this eyes - all of that is heavily connected to L’s emotions, thoughts, and general personality in the manga. Stress, feeling depressed, fear, even joy; all of that makes L intensify his crouch, makes him bite his nails, makes him show some weird facial expressions, or eat some more cake. Not the other way around, like, y’know, you would expect from someone who puts on an act.

All the nice little details about L’s character tell us so much about him. Obha and Obata beautifully use them to give us some hints about his psyche, and taking that away from L makes him incredibly hollow. While B’s “Ryuzaki” act is alllll about his L obsession. If you take that away from B, he becomes hollow as well.

Yes, L utilises his quirks to confuse people and he’s a liar, but that’s got nothing to do with B.

Conclusion: B is obsessed with L. L doesn’t seem to care all that much about B. He contributes very little to the case (it would be fair to say that Naomi solves the case), the manga implies that he doesn’t even really remember it, first!L is not real, and I’m tired.

#answered #anon #death note #l lawliet #beyond birthday #another note #labb #ryuzaki persona theory

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ask-shakespearehigh · 6 years ago

Text

Q&A post with the Mods!!!!

This is going to be a long one oh boy

How strict is the delineation of creative control vis-a-vis characters/plays between the mods? (@pedanticlecturer)

We generally have the plays split up along lines of “what we know”— we have a list at the very beginning of the blog. Sometimes we’ll draw the others’ characters (mostly me drawing some of Star’s…) but even then the final say on characterization is up to the “main” mod for that play — mod aster

what aster said -- mod star

What is your favorite play? What is your favorite character in terms of how they were written in the source material? (@pedanticlecturer)

I think my favorite play overall is Macbeth, just because I like the vibes (and the fact that I too could kill Macbeth), the fact that you don’t say it’s name in theatres, and the fact that it’s a play I did a full read through and analysis of in class. Favorite character? Puck from Midsummer. — mod aster

uhhhh,, hmm. ive always had a soft spot for midsummer since i saw it with aster esp bc of how fun the costumes were. of the comedies it has the largest potential to be the most visually pleasing bc of the concept of fairies,,,and im gay and dramatic so i love that. id die if i got to costume design for midsummer,,,or be in it,,,yeah. fav character. hmm. probably mercutio?? i recently saw a version of romeo and juliet where mercutio was played by a woman and oh my god it was amazing!!! not to mention mercutio’s portrayal in baz luhrmann's INCREDIBLE version of r n j!!! (I based my mercutio design on him) he just spends the entire time making dick jokes. love that. -- mod star

How do you answer asks so fast? I mean it's great but I'm impressed 😂 (Anon)

Personally, it’s a mix of: notifications on, quick drawing speed, and using the blog to avoid my class work — mod aster

aster is fast and (as you can see from all of my answers) im lazey -- mod star

Are there any elements/characters of the plays you're covering that you would have liked to work into this blog's plot, but couldn't due to the constraints of the setting or the synthetic nature of the blog? (@pedanticlecturer)

I wanted to make everyone gay but unfortunately due to plot constraints we have to have some hets but that wont stop me from making it lgbt as possible. -- mod star

I did want to make The Tempest more of a central play, but it just didn’t translate well. Similarly, other supernatural elements like the witches in Macbeth. This isn’t so much a constraint mentioned, but my own time/energy means that I want to show the Macbeth backstory, in a specific format, but I can’t right now— mod aster

Is there a hierarchy of import when it comes to each play's individualized impact on shakespeare high's general arc? If so, what plays are crucial to the foundation of the story? Which ones did you do mostly for shits and giggles? (@pedanticlecturer)

This is phrased like an ACT question and i might not answer it right so sorry in advance but: mod aster and i only selected a few plays for each of us to do given we dont know all of shakespeare’s works, but we tend to put more emphasis on the the more well known. But it also comes down to 1. How much we have plotted out for each play and 2. What the followers ask about most. Our two most popular are hamlet and macbeth bc people are familiar w those but around march caesar always becomes relevant again. I didnt even have designs for some of the characters until someone asked about them. -- mod star

I would say the same as star— it generally comes down to what people ask about. I will say that the overall plot is sort of separated into “has happened” and “is happening”. Like, the human potion of Midsummer, Julius Caesar, and Macbeth are all in the “aftermath” portion, while Twelfth Night, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, among others, are happening. We’re trying to incorporate as much as we can, and I don’t think any of them were really put in without some thought.— mod aster

What personal significance does shakespeare hold in ur guys' lives? (@pedanticlecturer)

I go to a theater school rn and so ive dealt w shakespeare (although not all of them) it also helps that i was in loves labours lost last year as moth and that i read hamlet and r n j. Theres also a theater in my state that always does One Big Shakespeare per season and they always do them super well!!! My love for shakespeare probably started w seeing midsummer at that theater w mod aster!!! So. Theater kid rights!! -- mod star

To be honest, I got back into Shakespeare Because of the blog. I’ve been friends with some people that got really Pretentious about Shakespeare, and it kinda put me off of it. I did have a book of abridged plays (the plays’ plots written out in prose, basically) that I read as a kid, which is what got me into not only the plots of a lot of the plays, but also the idea of having them illustrated. And, same as star, the theater in state does the One Big Shakespeare— and they tend to do some really cool things with the costumes, setting them in diff time periods. I haven’t been able to see any lately since I’ve moved, but they still slap. — mod aster

🥰😘💙🥰🥰💜💟🥰I 😍💗💚😍😍LOVE🖤🖤 YALL ♥️♥️🧡💛💚💝❣️💕💘💖💗💓💞💝❤️💛💜 okay now i have a question i swear— how long have the two of you been doing art??? and what were your first shakespeare plays??? (@hellaghosts)

Uhh i started drawing when i was like idk 12 and i have the giant boxes of sketchbooks to prove it!!! I moved to digital art at abt 14-15 but mostly stayed traditional until this yr when i got a Neat New Tablet so some of my sketchbooks are sitting abandoned rip. My first shakespeare was either romeo and juliet or midsummer nights dream and i love both of them v much!!! I have a very old piece of art that i did for r n j for my freshman class assignment on it and it hasnt aged well alsdjfjafd circa 2016 i think??? -- mod star

Oh man. I started drawing when I was about 10, but it was Bad. I don’t think I got much into drawing again until I was about 14? Sometime around the end of middle school/beginning of high school. I would say I started getting into drawing as more than doodling/coloring edits sometime around 2015-16? I would draw on my iPad with my finger, then I got a tablet for my computer, and now I pretty much stick to my iPad with an Apple Pencil. My first Shakespeare play was….. uh…… probably Midsummer???? I have No idea. We would go to plays when I was little, so I honestly don’t remember if I saw others before. It may have been Romeo and Juliet— I had that book where it was the original and the “modernized” with the little dog that explained things— which, if you know it makes sense, but if you don’t is probably a bonkers answer. — mod aster

Do you think this blog has like? An overarching thesis (be it b/c intentionally or simply b/c ur own take on the world has bled thru to the point where u believe it’s central to the piece at this point)? (@pedanticlecturer)

Not gonna lie, I had to read that like three times AND dm you to figure out what you were asking from us and all I have is “be gay, respect women, write your own happy endings”. — mod aster

This blog started with an ides of march shitpost and you think we have enough brain energy to write a whole thesis? I projected feelings of found family onto my half of the blog but idk if that counts. Be gay do crime 420 69 -- mod star

What’s the nature/rough dynamic of ur relationship? How do y’all know each other? (@pedanticlecturer)

Met mod aster when i was like 4 and even tho we didnt live close we became like, best friends although the Best part didnt start until we were like 13-ish and eventually we talked like non stop (about anime and homestuck. Yknow. 13 year old kid things) and we didnt see each other a lot bc of Distance and now its even worse bc aster is in colleg.,e but we consider each other siblings regardless of family bc we’re adopted into our own respective families so that bled over into our friendship and it would feel weird calling him anything other than my brother now. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst and if you really want a good insight on what we’re like as siblings watch griffin and justin mcelroy’s overview video of catlateral damage wherein i am griffin and he is the long suffering justin. -- mod star

Star is basically my long distance sibling and functionally the only cousin I recognize bc like their parents are basically an aunt and uncle and like our dads look enough alike that we’ve both accidentally gotten the wrong dad for a hug or similar so like. Anyways yeah Star is the Griffin to my Justin, complete with our absent middle brother who we love dearly— mod aster

Dubiously relevant q but what kind of music do y’all listen to when u do art (if that is indeed a habit either of u partake in) (@pedanticlecturer)

It can depend on the piece? I was working on some (unrelated) oc prints that were song-focused, and for those I just listened to said song on loop. Sometimes I have playlists. Sometimes I’ll just be in a Mood and throw a song on loop. But a lot of time for the blog, I’ll listen to The Adventure Zone for the billionth time, because I have Too Much Attention. I’ve also, on request from Star, linked the most recent “loop song”.— mod aster

I tend to obsess over the same like 3 songs every few weeks so those get listened to on repeat but it also depends on the tone of what im drawing or who im drawing i might genre switch bc of that. If im drawing ophelia i stick to lana del rey and if im drawing hamlet its the neighborhood, horatio is sufjan stevens etc. i have categorized,. Most of the characters i draw into different songs/genres/energies of music but not like i ever follow that. Sometimes i just pull up a really long nonsense video and forget to draw. Essentially: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- mod star

How’d y’all come up with ur pseudonyms? (@pedanticlecturer)

I love space so much and my main blog is starryeydsailor space gay rights!! Im also tiny and full of energy and bright so basically i;m star -- mod star

Uhhhh i was like “hey i want to do uhhhhhh flower?” And then I google searched flower names until I found one I liked —- mod aster

How did you end up deciding the rough timeline of events in canon? (@pedanticlecturer)

It’s mostly determined by like. How we choose per story? If that makes sense. Like, we just take story by story, and decide “is it happening, has it happened, and when?” And then we fit them together in relation to each other just by dint of. All existing at once. Like, I knew I wanted Macbeth to be in aftermath, because like, even though there’s no murder, the way I’ve translated it to the AU is still kinda heavy, and it’s something that I don’t know that I could do properly if it were happening right now. Also, it’s more interesting IMO to have them at different times. Tl;dr we wing it per story and slot them together— mod aster (mod star agrees I just can word better, in theory)

If you could tell the story of shakespeare high in a different format than an ask blog, would you? Obviously y'all are making very good use of the format, but would you want to write this as a animated series or like? a comic book? or is the form inseparable from the story? (@pedanticlecturer)

I kinda wanted to do a webcomic or maybe to plot develop through like, animatics but the element of surprise comes from the asks we get and really makes us think so the blog is a good start. We didnt think we’d get this far -- mod star

Pretty much what Star said— there are certain elements where it’d be neat to do as a comic or as an animatic. Like, the fantasy dream is like, an anthology webcomic of each story, where you can like, see other characters in the background and stuff. But to be honest, we develop a lot by what we’re asked— there was a post about developing worldbuilding by being asked questions and then pretending you’ve thought about the answer, and it’s not far off. Personally, it’s hard to just lay out a story, because I have a whole WORLD and what’s relevant? What are people interested in? It’s by getting questions that I can then focus in on an area to develop. And yeah, we Super didn’t think we’d get this far lmao — mod aster

Any headcanons about your characters that you don't think will ever come up on the blog through asks or plot posts? (@pedanticlecturer)

I could make a whole separate post for this!!!!! Mostly its voice headcanons (and by mostly i mean like 1 or 2) or relationship hcs!!!! -- mod star

Honestly same. I don’t think I have voice headcanons for mine, though I bet I could find some. I’ve got a bunch of miscellaneous headcanons that just kinda float around, but like they’re scattered, too numerous for this post, and also not always things I’m sure are canon yet.— mod aster

#mod post #mod aster #mod star #q and a #birthday #we cant seem to read more AND tag so like brb gonna go kill god

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