#idk its like. in previous years me and my family have been badly affected by wildfires in alberta/saskatchewan/manitoba

[paperedking]

ok the canadian wildfire situation is bad i know

but maybe it's also kinda fucky that the gov only started really caring about air quality when it started to affect toronto/ottawa

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I’ve just caught up with Casualty, thought I might as well do a little review post (though probably not as long as my usual ones).

All in all, a pretty good episode. I certainly preferred it to the previous one. Any scene with Faith in it dragged the episode down, but the other stuff was decent.

The Stevie stuff... I genuinely do not know how someone called her a Jac clone after this episode, because roughly 90% of the Stevie content here literally felt like recycled Henrik scripts. I don’t have an issue with that (and Elinor Lawless was absolutely brilliant in every scene), but, well, I keep saying Stevie’s the new Henrik and this episode was really blatant about that. She got some VERY Henrik-esque one-liners (“If you ask me how I’m doing, I swear I will not be held accountable. I am fine.” could’ve come out of Henrik’s mouth verbatim).

And of course, the whole ‘snapping at your mentee to maintain your ice-cold image and cover up for feeling weak and traumatised’ thing is incredibly Henrik. Stevie was certainly not treating Paige as badly as Henrik treated Sahira (the Henrik and Sahira stuff was just... on its own level), but fundamentally, the idea of Stevie bullying her mentee to feel like she was still in control and to avoid dealing with her own mental health problems and trauma? Again, literally the plot of the Sahira storyline.

I assume this means that, in a few years, we’ll get a retconned storyline that everyone insists is canon when it’s very blatantly not, where it’s “revealed” that Stevie and Paige knew each other as kids and Paige’s family caused Stevie some kind of trauma, and the show will be like “See? See?? It was actually Paige’s fault Stevie bullied her all along!”. Since that’s how it turned out with Henrik and Sahira.

Having said that, I am confused at why Paige said that the incident with the bodybuilder was Stevie’s fault. I’d otherwise agree with Paige’s rant at the end of the episode - Stevie did come back to work too soon, and she is being a dick to Paige - but the idea that the bodybuilder thing was Stevie’s fault is just... ????? Paige literally insisted on giving the medication without supervision? She specifically said she didn’t want Stevie there? I suppose maybe you can stretch it into “if you weren’t being so mean to me, I would’ve felt able to ask for your help” but idk.

Faith continues to be an awful, irredeemable person, and the show continues to pretend she’s a good one. What else is new. That brief moment when Elsie just snapped at her was great, but I was disappointed when she just went back to being nice to Faith right afterwards.

I am so utterly uninterested in a Faith and Iain will-they-won’t-they. This has been going on for like, a year and a half now, and it’s still not come to anything. Not that I want it to. Does anyone want this? Faith fans don’t want it because they still want her to be with Dylan (pairing Dylan, an abuse survivor, with Faith, an abuser herself, would be terrible unless the show specifically used it to do a storyline about revictimisation and Dylan being vulnerable because of his history and his low self-esteem, but they wouldn’t do that because they don’t want to admit Faith is abusive). The rest of us don’t want it because we want Faith to leave the show.

I don’t even like Iain, he’s just boring to me, but I still don’t want him with Faith. Imagine how awfully she’d react if she found out about his mental health issues. Yikes.

I’m still finding Jan’s storyline really interesting. I’m a Jan fan, always have been, so that’s not surprising. But I just really like the way they’re exploring how her job is affecting her, and the amount of stress she’s under. Di Botcher is acting it all really well, too.

I liked the variety of patients in this episode. The more patients an episode has, the more I enjoy it, it seems. I just like it when the hospital feels busy and stuff.

I did not like, however, that one of the patients was named Cameron. That name still makes me think of a certain dreadful Holby storyline.

Anyway, the day after tomorrow (as of me posting this), we get the improvised paramedic special! I’m really interested to see how that episode plays out.

[glassesandkim]

ok so anon sent me a rant that i asked for and I want to answer it but under a cut so we don’t have to spam the dash. 

Click under the read more if you want to read me and anon’s rant on grey’s anatomy s17 finale

anon said: “Magston... what the hell lmao. They literally had a whole plot in 1716 about postponing their wedding so they could do it right (with family) and then winston was getting all mad about it and thought maggie was backing out (even though its a pandemic and theyve only been engaged for like what? 3 months tops). Then they flew their older parent/grandparent out (in the middle of a pandemic and severely affects old people), only to have them object to the wedding at the ceremony and then they postpone anyways???? What???? They couldnt have done that over the phone lmao like I liked the idea of magston a lot in s16 but their arc this season made me hate them so much lol. Sometimes I think theyre less developed than schmico (like which writer decided to marry them this season ????? Fireable offence imo considering they have no previous relationship history Im pretty sure and Im pretty sure they were only dating/engaged for like a year???? Even if the show was ending a moving in together/dating/engagment endgame would have worked for them? Anyways).”

First of all: what the fuck is grey’s obsession with marriage?????

It might just be me, but take it from someone who worked in the wedding industry for 3 years, and lemme tell you: weddings are fun, beautiful, amazing, but they’re also hella for the privileged. YOU KNOW IT CAN COST UP TO $700 CAD TO HIRE AN OFFICIANT??? So the job Richard had? He could’ve made an easy few hundies. 

I really hate how fucking fake and badly acted that scene was when Maggie’s dad and Winston’s grandma objected to the marriage. Why did they wait until then and EMBARRASS both of them???? Like you said, what the hell was the point of last episode’s whole debacle???? They could’ve just not done that plot in ep 16 and had them get married anyway in ep 17 and had someone object to their marriage. 

Can’t believe Maggie flew two old people around the country during a goddamn pandemic. How irresponsible is it???? Again, I don’t know if it’s because they’re just way more relaxed in the states than where I’m from but wth....

anon said: Okay and then amelink. I LOVED how amelia was written this episode, but in the context of the time jump it was kind of weird? Like amelia was feeling this way about marriage/more kids for 8-9 months and never even hinted to link that she wasnt interested? And I like to think link respects amelia a lot, so why didnt he bring up marriage again before proposing? Or ask mer/maggie what they thought about him proposing? I can understand her not talking to link about her concerns but I find it hard to believe she didnt bring it up with mer/maggie once in that time frame? Idk it was just rushed and weird. And amelia clearly wasnt okay with the fostering thing and he still went with it anyways lol.

I can’t remember and I don’t care enough to go watch the ep, but did Amelia and Link move out of Mer’s house? 

The only good thing about this episode was Amelia, especially her conversation with Richard (in that not very Seattle courtyard rofl HONESTLY GREY’S PUT SOME EFFORT IN YOUR SETS. YOU KNOW YOUR ENTIRE SHOW IS SET IN SEATTLE RIGHT/???? LIKE MAKE IT RAIN IN THAT COURTYARD TO REFLECT HOW AMELIA FEELS IDK GAWD)

I also can’t believe Amelia would just be like, welp! I guess I’m a double mom now of my own child and this random crotch child that my baby daddy promised to his best friend. And oh ya, I don’t want anymore children but shhh its a secert.

I mean, I know Amelia technically fostered before but ............. (i’ll continue this in the next segment)

anon said: And the fostering thing... Jo’s plot was weird this ep too lmao. Like maybe Im just dumb but they never explained why she failed her background check? Idk this plot would have been a much better season long arc than a one episode arc lol. Although I think the single parent thing might be fun next season (the weird jo/levi friendship will be worth it if we get schmico babysitting)

They didn’t really explain why she failed her bg check. I also don’t know how money can fix her failed background check.

Also how fucking shady is it that Link and Amelia fostered a child? Wouldn’t the foster people want to give a child to a stable family who, let’s think, ARE MARRIED and HAVE A HOME OF THEIR OWN?

Who’s the dumbass in the writer’s room that thought of this ludicrous convenient solution for Jo? Only people with that much money and power can steal children. 

I really thought Jo’s fight for Luna should’ve started earlier and when it didn’t start, I thought it would bleed into next season. It’s not easy to adopt a child. 

anon said: Also is our last jackson appearance on this show really a random facetime with jo? Would have much rather had a face maggie to congratulate her on her marriage (why wasnt he there???) 

Maggie’s kind of his step sister or whatever the f they are. Jackson could’ve taken a break from solving racism to attend his family member’s wedding, right?

anon said: Okay and then the interns... we never actually saw mer teaching them? Im hoping that theres a bigger intern/resident focus next season because of mers new job but now Im not optimistic haha. And why are the residents and interns grouped together? And why was levi so involved with mer’s patient that he wasnt pulled from the wedding to help???????? Its a double lung transplant get the upper year resident in there PLEASE!!! Or at least let him take over the surgery when mer passed out. Cristina would have been doing this shit in her intern year. I assure you he would much rather be at the surgery than the wedding of someone he has never interacted with. And Surely that surgery would have been better if more than 2 surgeons were working on it?????? my ONLY hope is that the time jump means we’re getting helm and levi aged up to 5th years and we get some chief resident/specialization/boards plots for them next year.

i hate grey’s and their ridiculous time jumps and blatant disregard to HOW THIS WILL AFFECT THE CAREERS OF THEIR RESIDENTS. 

I bet, like Teddy’s child, Levi and Helm are gonna be residents for 10 years and never choose a speciality. I want to revoke grey’s rights to call themselves a medical drama. There’s nothing medical about this show.

JUST WATCH MER TOUCH A DIRTY ASS BASIN AND THEN TOUCH A WHOLE HUMAN LUNG WITH THE SAME HANDS

YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY THAT BASIN IS SITTING ON WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WAS SITTING ON??? GET A NURSE TO HOLD THE BASIN. YOUR HANDS ARE STERILE

(Okay, I’m also sure the basin would be sterile but I can’t. I can’t believe in real life, they’d have the same hands hold a basin and a human organ. Someone who’s a doctor or works in the OR, tell me if I’m right. I need to know. )

Also, Bailey taking off her mask when she’s hugging Mer after the surgery. Right TO JAIL!

anon said: And finally... not half of maggies wedding guests ditching the wedding to go stand in a hallway and clap for mer LMAO like they couldnt have done that the next day??? Like I said before, most of this episode was comedy lol.

it’s COVID. Why are people going into the hospital unnecessarily??????

Yes, but you’re right. I gotta watch these eps like it’s a comedy or I’ll LOSE MY FACKING MIND

anon said: Redeeming parts of this episode: merhayes still has potential, need them to stop having the same scene over and over again though. Nico ily and alex get that cheque for sitting there, dancing, and clapping for ellen. Jo selling her shares to koracick... lmao. Bokhee and the other nurse getting their vaccines :’)

LOL @ merhayes having the same interaction. I was telling some people that I’d love for Hayes and Owen to have some scenes and for Hayes to kick Owen’s ass. Because like @schmico-ing said, Owen is a child collector and Hayes would absolutely fucking hate him.

YES ALEX LANDI GETTIN’ THAT DOUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What an amazing job. I hope he gets paid in the 6 figures for his time at grey’s.

I don’t know how I feel about Koracick. I love caring Koracick. I hate asshole Koracick. I feel like they’re two different people. 

BOHKEE <3

Anyways, love your rants. I look forward to them when s18 starts or even whenever you have the odd urge to rant!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #207

“it’s late, and you’re still staring at the light; to call it an addiction’s impolite.”

Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? Happy being a girl. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? When it's to people who are aware of how behind I am in the adult world in any context, yes. Very. If they know nothing about me, then I don't care. Are you confident enough to reveal your height and weight? Height, I don't care. Weight, fuck no. What do your parents call you? Both usually say "Britt," but Dad's more likely to use terms of endearment like "sweetie" and such. Well, Mom does use "hunny" a lot too. How old were you when you first got to go on the computer? Idr. About the "normal" age for little kids that played Neopets, probably. Would you say you’re an emotional person? Way too emotional. What’s a color that suits you the best? Black. And a color you just can’t pull off/don’t want to? Probably most... I wouldn't know, almost every single thing I wear is black. I have literally one light purple shirt, and I think that's the only non-black shirt I own. Describe yourself when you were 6 years old? Very talkative, extremely imaginative, outgoing, I was definitely weird, tomboyish, very happy... Man, I miss being that kid sometimes. A type of personality you just can't stand? The older and older I get, the more I cannot STAND a closed mind. I like people who accept they're far from always right, and sometimes, your "right" isn't such for someone else, and that is fine. You don't have to see the same way to still get along perfectly (though of course, there's no need to respect an opinion that spits upon, invalidates, or is just plain hateful towards another person/group). Like just as an example 'cuz I feel like I explained that poorly; I'm really not into the idea of polygamy at all, but I'm not against it for people it works with. You do you. Your appearance in one word would be? "Abilify." :^) City type of person or country? I like the live in a more country-ish area, but I found through Chicago I LOVE /visiting/ cities. What’s something you’re obsessed about right now? When am I not obsessed with Mark, meerkats, Silent Hill, opossums (a newer addition), WoW, etc. etc.? My whole life runs on obsessing over something, fren. Your reaction if someone told you you look 10 years older than your age? ZOINKS that would suck ass. Do you really badly want anything right now? For the past couple weeks, I've become more and more antsy to get up to Sara's again. When I land a job, fancyin' up my tattoo just because as I've said again and again it is SO important to me and must be perfect, then I'm saving up to go back up there. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? With all this job searching and such going on, it's like all I can think about, so why not mention what fucked me up at my previous ones: Putting me in a position of responsibility and expected knowledge. Ex., when I was a sales associate and was asked "Oh, do you have this?"/"Where is this?", it was CONSTANT PANIC MODE because I never knew and had to ask somebody, when I was expected to be a knowledgeable employee to the customer, and then comes the horror of feeling like I'm inconveniencing and annoying them. Have any particular standard look you look for in a significant other? I don't have a "standard look," no, but I am more likely to be drawn to a gothic appearance. But I don't actively search for someone that meets that criteria or anything. Do you listen to Wiz Khalifa? No. What are your opinions on marijuana legalization? Please legalize medicinal use already. Recreationally, idk. Do you date outside your own race? I'd have no reservations against it. I dated a Hispanic... less than a day, but still, you get the point that I don't have a problem with it. What are some of your turn-offs? SEXIST/MISOGYNISTIC, too old-fashioned, racist and/or homophobic, raunchy, arrogant/self-centered, lack of sincere interest and enthusiasm in conversation, poor hygiene, I'm gonna get SHIT ON for saying "too slutty," not taking dating seriously... that kinda stuff. I'm so picky. Are you gay, straight, bi, or trans? Bisexual. Are you vegetarian? If not, would you ever consider becoming one? I'm not now, but I hope to return to it after I get to my goal weight... In my few months of vegetarianism, it was proven that my immense pickiness with food was making the diet unhealthy for me, as I was strongly lacking in certain vitamins and such. I'm going to have to somehow overcome that if I want to return to it, which I REALLY do want to do the more and more I get into animal welfare and care. Are you in love? Yes. Are you more of a pessimist or an optimist? Pessimist, I think, out of the two. But I like to see myself as a realist. How much money is in your wallet? Literally just $11 lmao. What’s your favorite sex position? Only experienced in these with a man, so answering with that in mind. I like sitting on his lap, facing him, with my legs around his back. What do you ultimately wish for in life? Happiness and peace. Have you ever been pregnant? No. What do you think about tipping at restaurants? Tip your goddamn waiter/waitress, assholes. I do believe in tipping based on the quality of service, BUT at least give them SOMETHING for working. Do you have your driver’s license? No jkajdsklfaj;wer. I haaaave to practice more. Whenever I'm in the car, I always strongly prefer to listen to my music, controlling it from the passenger's seat, and at least right now, I can't drive with loud music, barely any at all really, so I have a hard time giving up blaring my music while Mom drives lmao. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No. What’s your favorite carnival food? Idk, I don't go nearly enough. Who did you last kiss? Romantically, Sara. Platonically, either my niece or nephew when leaving. Have you seen the final Harry Potter movie? I haven't even see one. Ever been called a slut? No. Would you ever have sex with someone not of your preferred sex? I'm bisexual so like- Would you ever get back together with any of your exes? No. Do you take any meds on a daily basis? Yep. What did you do today? Watched LPs as always; did some job searching; played WoW, way shorter than usual though; took a nap; made a new icon; took a shower; listened to music; did some social media scrolling. The usual stuff. What do you wear to bed at home? A tank top and pj pants. What do you wear to bed when you're somewhere else? The same, but with a bra. Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? I'll just talk about the unordinary ones, 'cuz I have a lot. The ones I'd consider "weird" are vomiting, whale sharks, and pregnancy. Vomiting is because it's just incredibly unpleasant, but also because I know what goes down is not supposed to come back up. Like no one likes puking, no shit, but I'm legit afraid of it and lock up on what to do when I feel it coming, like I don't know what to do. Whale sharks... ahaha. It literally came from World of Warcraft. The design of their mouths is fucking horrifying, and I hate hate hate how they sometimes phase in-and-out of the Vashj'ir map so just like pOP UP. NAH, SON. It's just their damn mouths, even though I know their esophagus is far too small to swallow a human. As for pregnancy, just... ew. I'm afraid of parasites, and it's a parasitic relationship. Something should NOT be growing inside of you. What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? I'm very compassionate, especially when it comes to others enduring emotional struggles. I really feel for hurting people. What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? I have strong morals and stick to them. I'll always stand up for what I feel is right. What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? Ah jeez, there's a lot... but probably my anxiety. It's held me back and manipulated my actions since middle school. I struggle not followings its rules, but I'm sure trying. Who do you most admire? Mark, my mom, Sara, Sara's dad, Steve Irwin... man, there's too many great people. Who do you most love? Sara, my mom, and my pets, Teddy especially. What three things do you look for most in a partner? EXPRESSING OF THEIR EMOTIONS/TRULY FEELING!!!!!!!!, compassion, and a cool head. If you could ask God (to atheists - IF there was one) one question, what? Hm. Good question... There's a lot, but mostly little wonders; I feel like I have a decent understanding of the god I personally see, so don't have any magnificent questions. Perhaps regarding why they created our world. That'd be interesting. Rate yourself on these traits from 0 to 10: 0 - do not possess this trait. 10 - you have great amounts of this trait. Calm temper: 7. Charm: *big shrug* Cheerfulness: 3-4. Confidence: 0-3. Courtesy: 8-10. Curiosity: 6-10. Forgiveness: 9-10. Generosity: 8-10. Greed: 0-3. Helpfulness: Well, I like to try to help, but I don't feel I'm very successful at that, so idk. Honesty: 5-9, depending on who I'm talking to and what the subject is, I guess. Loyalty: This is very flexible, and I don't feel like I can put a number on it. It depends on how deserving you are of the trait, and yes, you can lose my loyalty in a heartbeat if you give me reason to take it away. Optimism: 0-4. Patience: This can go from a whopping 0 to a 10, lmao. Very dependent on the situation. Self-sacrifice: 8-9. Wit: -10. Briefly describe your family. Kinda broken. Tight bonds scattered between certain people, no bonds with others. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? The breakup. I wouldn't wish that night upon Satan himself. How did it affect you? We know. Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? Speaking of that... Jason is in most nightmares I remember. The common theme is it's either after the breakup and we have an awkward running in with each other, or it's long before when everything was "perfect." All things considered, I'd call even that a nightmare. Those fuck with me the most. Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Do you have any close friends? I can count those on maybe two fingers. Of what are you most proud? Letting Jason go. Of what are you most ashamed? I've talked about the Joel situation multiple times. What is your religion? Theist. Where do you stand on abortion? Mostly pro-choice. Where do you stand on the death penalty? Sometimes justifiable and one's deserving end. Felons are lucky enough it's done humanely. Where do you stand on wearing fur? If you're not surviving out in the arctic, fuck you and all you stand for. Could you kill somebody? I'm perfectly aware I could in defense situations. For what reason would you kill somebody? Defending myself or loved ones. Hell, probably even strangers. I'd kill a rapist with zero fucking hesitation, even if they were assaulting someone I'd never seen before. Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No. Do you trust easily, or not? NOPE. What, if anything, would you sacrifice your life for? Defending peace, gay rights, or if it was to protect most of those I love. What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? Be a successful photographer, reach financial stability, come to a point where I'm actually proud of what I've done, play a roll in wildlife conservation, be happily married, and just overall be content and satisfied with my life. How do you plan to reach them? Working my goddamn ass off and not taking "no" for an answer (not about the marriage part tho lmao). Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? No. Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? I just want a pet family with Sara. What do you see yourself doing next year? Man, I don't have a clue... What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? I don't want to think of that. That's too far ahead. I'll be 43... I've gotta work on too many things now. Would you ever have an affair? I'm very curious as to who would actually answer "yes" to this. Would you ever have a one night stand? No. Lmaoooo actually this is sad as fuck, but I think I've said in a previous survey just knowing myself, if we were both single and clicked, I'd be doomed if it was Markiplier. My morals would sadly go out the window. If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? That's literally been the story of my life for years now, especially the past two. And it's torture. Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? No. Well, actually, I do want to do wildlife photography, and it can be pretty dangerous. Were you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? No. Do you have any famous relatives? No. Ancestors, yeah, but not close relatives. Are you a loyal member of any organizations? No. What type of criminal would you be? With how forgetful I am, I'm certain I'd be a very clumsy one that gets caught very quickly, lol. What are you listening to right now? "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? Um idk. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? Someone for a job interview. Do you drink? Rarely and/or for some special occasions. Never enough to get drunk. Do you smoke? No. What is the first thing you notice in someone? I guess posture? How they carry themselves? Do you get attached easily? BOY! DO I!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like your eye color? I wish they were more blue. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Definitely not bungee jumping, I know how I react to that kind of up/down movement, and probably not skydiving, either. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Both regularly since middle school. Are looks important in a relationship? Not very. What is your favorite thing to do? Binge a new song I fell in love with for like days lmao. What was the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? PhotoScape. It's easier to move watermarks for photos on there, and I was working on the ones I took a few days back. Do you like to gossip? No, I feel super guilty. What kind of computer do you have? An Acer. Do you know all the words to your national anthem? I think? Have you ever failed a grade? No. Have you ever made the opposite sex cry? Yes. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Nah. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Do you own a designer purse? Hell no. Waste of money for a goddamn purse that's just gonna get dirty and scratched. What’s the weirdest rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself? Jason and I magically had a baby over summer vacation when I was very obviously never pregnant. Do you say the "h" in the word “herb”? No, though I did for a super long time 'cuz I had no idea it was wrong. Do you speak any languages besides English? Not fluently. Can you run in high heels? I wouldn't really know, but boy do I doubt it. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? No. What do you usually order at Subway? Ummm I think white bread, ham, American cheese, bacon, jalapenos, banana peppers, and Chipotle sauce. I think that's it. Did an alarm wake you up this morning? No. How long is your mother’s hair? Past her shoulderblades, near the middle of her back. Is there any particular place you’d like to vacation to next? Surprisingly, I'd love to go somewhere tropical, like Hawaii or some shit like that. Somewhere with clear water and unique, beautiful wildlife and nature. What is your beer of choice, if any? Never tried beer, never want to. The smell is bad enough. That and I associate it with when Dad was an alcoholic. Did you share a bed with anyone last night? No. Well, other than with my cat. Do you know anyone who volunteers regularly? Yes. Have you ever ruined a nice pair of shoes, and how? Maybe, playing in puddles or biking through them and mud as a kid or something. Who were the last friends you went to hang out with? Sara. How many chairs are in the room you’re currently in? None. Have you texted a relative in the past week? Not besides immediate family. Are you doing anything important today? No. If I were to bring you any type of food right now, what would you pick? If I was actually hungry, I have been craving hotdogs on the grill like CRAZY lately. No clue why. When did you move into the house you’re currently living in? April-ish 2017. Do you ever sleep with the light on? No, I can't. Do you pray to Jesus? 20+ years of that did nothing. No. What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks? N/A Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard? No. Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world? I don't know; there's lots of factors to consider. Would I be willing to leave my pets (but Teddy, probably; I'd want him with me) with my mom? Would I have something like a camper? Where am I getting this money to travel and provide for myself? Do you know your next-door neighbor? Mom knows one, but I personally don't. What’s something you have never done? Lots of things? As an example, uhhh... I've never done a cartwheel, despite childhood efforts? Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person? Idk. Do you wish you were more of a free spirit? I think I already am, but it'd be cool to be more of one. Are you allergic to any medications? No. How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist? Tell me depression isn't real, my PTSD isn't genuine, I can "get over" my anxiety if I want to hard enough, stuff like that, and I will not fucking associate with you. These are things that have massively affected my life; I dare someone to tell me these experiences aren't real issues. What worldview do you have? A realistic one, I think. I'm positive in some areas, negative in others. Hm... I'm probably more pessimistic about the world's future, though. Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you? Duh? If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? Sara. What’s one thing you’d like to do more? Travel. What was your style in high school? Some emo/metalhead hybrid that wished with all her heart to be capable of affording a goth wardrobe and bitch I still do. What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t? Have a healthy teenage experience. Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously? I have for years for my cycle. I had just about debilitating cramps and sometimes periods that lasted over a week. Who is your personality twin? Sara is probably the closest. What’s a common name that you hate? Edward, above all. Not a big fan of William, Robert, or Allen, either. Who do you wish you were best friends with? If you don't count my girlfriend as "best friend," maybeeee... Alon still? Or Baylee. I need to talk more to her, she's awesome. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? I don't believe so. …in fairies? I believed in the Tooth Fairy. …in Santa? Yes. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. What is your newest hobby? Hm, I don't think I've found a new one for a long while... What gives your life meaning? I don't know. What motivates you to do what you do? The pursuit of happiness. What was the weather like the last time you went out? Too fucking hot. Do you go for walks often? No, though I really want to around a lake at a local, small park. Problems consist of no way to get there myself, it's WAY too fucking hot with my sweating issue, and my knees just wouldn't have it; I know I couldn't walk the full lap around it. Also expect some art installations around the path and probably the gazebo are PokeStops for Pokemon Go and really wish I could play it, so that's bait to do it lmao. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? It really depends on who I'm watching. Favorite on the face of the planet are Mark's ego projects, then my second fave are probably Shane's conspiracy videos, then I love let's plays. Do you need any new clothes right now? I seriously need more pants. And new bras. Do you collect anything? If so, what? Silent Hill merch and meerkat stuff. ^and if not, what would you like to collect? When I can buy shit myself, ya girl is gonna have way too much Markiplier merch. YouTuber stuff in general, actually. Too shy to ask for that kinda stuff now lol. Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think so. What was the last thing you ate? A burger. Do you ever eat food that’s intended for kids? ...? Like, baby food? No. Or maybe you mean shit like Lunchables? In cases like that, sometimes? What was the last stupid thing you did? Oh boy, who knows. Do you get embarrassed easily? You. Have. No. Idea. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, then uhhhh... I like Chloe and Adrian. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? Hell no. I'd never wanna see it, I'd never want my hypothetical child to have to witness that, etc. Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Wet clothes are no. Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight, I guess? Though my hair does swoop to the right, so it's kinda a wave? What was the last craft project you completed? Oh, yeesh. I don't do crafts. The closest thing was I guess Sara's Valentine's Day gift for last year? Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier is literally the only one that matters lmao and it's not "would like to meet in person," he will be forced to endure meeting me ok. Meeting Shane Dawson would be amazing, he's such a relatable sweetie, aaaaand #3 would probably be Rhett and/or Link, as similar to Mark, they deserve a tear-filled thanks as well as back-breaking hugs for seriously helping in keeping me alive through my suicidal year. I mean it when I say they genuinely helped me keep going. What color are your nails painted currently? They’re never painted. Do you use a pill box? No. List 3 people you know who were loving and then turned cold: Jason, Jason, and Jason. Have you ever felt threatened for your life? No. Which did you like better: high school or college? My college experience was horrid. High school had great memories, but of course negative ones, too. Which year of your life stands out to you as the most significant so far? 2017. …and why? It was my year of recovery from the breakup. What was the last store you shopped at? I went to Wal-Mart with Mom. I think that was the most recent, anyway. Do you have a favorite pharmacist? No. Do you have a favorite cashier at the grocery store? No. What’s something you discovered recently? I'm a Billie Eilish fan. What makes you more creative? Music. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? YO okay so when my brother and nephew were here, we went to the science museum and into a 360 VR-esque show about astronauts. I got SO nauseous and dizzy, but it was nevertheless extremely cool. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Just tonight! I ordered at a drive-thru myself. Would you rather ride a camel or an elephant? An elephant! Do you want to lose weight? You have no fucking idea. Which insects scare you, if any? Lmao most. Especially rhinoceros beetles, big beetles in general honestly, cockroaches, earwigs, centipedes... like a lot okay. I like observing praying mantises, but I would probably have a fucking heart attack if one was on me. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of a tiny insect? Well, yeah, though I get the likely survival reason, that being we know many are venomous, so we're naturally averse to them, especially if we don't recognize the type. Were you raised religious? Yes. Have you ever been abused? No, thankfully. Is there a coffee shop you like better than Starbucks? N/A If you could afford to get your hair professionally done, what would you get? Man, I have SO many color combination ideas. If I could get it done in the safest manageable way by a pro, I saw this look once with totally bleached/pure white hair that fades to blood-red tips, and BOY would I get that in a heartbeat. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope so. I think so. The only thing I imagine myself being weak with are tattoos. Do you know any rich people who are very irresponsible? I don't think so... List five careers that you’d like to have: Meerkat biologist, paleontologist, artist, poet, something in wildlife conservation/protection. List five far-out things that you’d like to do before you die: Scuba-dive, I'd LIKE to ride a rollercoaster (far-out for me, trust me), but I know I never will, and uh... idk. Riding a motorcycle would be cool, but that's another thing I hiiighly doubt I'll do. What was your first imaginary friend’s name? I never had one. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Chance, a cat my mom rescued. She was our very first family pet. She was absolutely incredible. Do you like to go barefoot? Unless I'm in a house, no. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? Yeah. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah. Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Oh, who to begin with? Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank or bitch? "Bitch" more than once. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? With Jason, yeah. And I don't think so, but maybe Sara briefly? Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. What would you do if you were pregnant? I don't have a fucking clue. Do you like cuddling? With someone I love. Have you ever cried in school? Yes, but I think I kept it private. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? A woman whose wedding I'm shooting this Saturday. Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act? Just making out. Where did you get drunk last? N/A What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? No. How did you do on the last test you took? I haven't been in school for a long time. How come you’re not going out with the person you love? I am.

[chimaeracabra]

(NSFW ahead)

Nick offered to give me the $11 I was complaining about paying if I want to get the electronic version of my diploma. I hugged him and wanted to cry. I refused the money anyway. I’m going to just add it to the things my dad should give me money for (he asked me earlier this week to take me out to lunch or dinner to celebrate finishing my thesis and getting my degree. He also said he would give me more money at the time to pay the remainder of my grad school bill). Nick said, “I want my money to be your money.” I told him that I appreciate that, but I feel badly about him spending a lot of money on me (whenever I go to see him, he takes me out to eat, or we order food that gets delivered). Actually, I shouldn’t feel badly because I drive to him almost every time we hang out (and that’s mainly because of wanting privacy talking to him and for sex. I can’t do that at home in my mom’s house). He got us Chipotle. I had a delicious veggie burrito.

Sigh. He really is so amazing to me. He bought me a coffee when I went to his apartment a few days ago to spend time with him in the morning before he went to work. And he doesn’t even drink coffee, but he knows I like it with almond milk. He said, “I made sure you can have it!” since milk and dairy are a no-no for me.

We went to his improv group in the park in Cambridge. I went with him one other time before like 2 weeks ago. The people are really friendly, and I actually participated a little bit. One of them found a random dog, who was SUCH a sweetie! And some of the people in the group were trying to find its owner. It was on leash, looked well taken care of, and she just happened to come up to one of Nick’s friends as though she were asking for help. His friend said the dog just approached him and “booped” his knee and laid its head there :3 Not long after we left, Nick got a text saying they found the owner.

 I told Nathan that I feel badly about having met someone. He kept saying he thinks it’s a rebound, that we could have worked things out, etc. I told him many times that it is absolutely NOT a rebound…he asked me to respectfully unfriend his immediate family. So, I did. He also asked me to block him because he thinks there will be times when he is weak and angry and try to reach out to me. So, I blocked him. I am not going to allow myself to feel badly about him anymore. I absolutely TRIED to make that relationship work, SO hard. I communicated my needs to him from the get go. I PLEADED with Nathan to communicate better at times, and many of those times, he chose not to. So, I didn’t ruin this, he did. I’m just not going to allow myself to feel like I did something wrong when I absolutely didn’t.

Nick keeps being very, very communicative. It’s absolutely amazing. He keeps telling me not to say “sorry,” just a weird habit that I have. I guess I say it a lot over little things…very NSFW ahead…

 He literally texts himself to remind himself of positions he wants to try to get me off (he showed me that because I went into a text thread of porn I like that I send to myself and he saw and wanted to know what it was. Lmfao.) I can’t get over how well versed in the female body he is. I’m going to shamelessly say that I squirted tonight. Did not know I could do that. Nathan never liked doing many of the positions that I am finding myself really enjoying with Nick. In many ways, he and I weren’t very sexually compatible, not that that’s the most important thing to me in a relationship. I liked sex with Nathan because I was still very in love and enjoyed being close. It felt good, but often I just ended up in pain afterwards and a lot of that I think was due to his size and that he really always wanted to do positions that would get me sore pretty quickly. And I communicated to him that I was having that issue and we never really resolved it. But the sexual chemistry (and emotional chemistry) I have with Nick is mind blowing. Earth. Shattering. Orgasms. Like, wtf. It’s almost like everything I had previously does not count as sex. Nick told me that one of his sexual things is giving pleasure. It wasn’t that Nathan never tried to do that for me, but he just didn’t like the positions I liked—part of it being because of a wrist injury he had which he sustained in Iraq—and didn’t like to thrust hard and fast (but would still do it during sex to try and please me because I communicated that I like that).

Nick said he feels really good about the fact that I get off repeatedly when we have sex. Like, he’s energizer bunny or something! I think we had sex seven times tonight. He’s just able to keep getting hard. He told me that he’s a very sexual person in relationships, likes giving pleasure, and is a little dominant. Those are literally all qualities I enjoy sexually, so I’m very satisfied. I didn’t think it was possible before for me to have orgasms from PIV sex. But he just does it properly and enjoys doing it! 

He said I am the most orgasmic woman he’s ever been with. And that he can’t believe I used to have to use lots of lube with sex (I had to with Nathan. Don’t know why.) But with Nick, I get so wet it’s kind of embarrassing to me. But Nick said he likes it. 

He asked me the other day if I feel like I’m having a sexual revelation. I sure as shit do. It’s really not just the sex though, I feel safe emotionally with him. The fact that he’s a psych nurse I think is what makes him so emotionally intelligent (not that all psych nurses are like that. Have worked with enough over the past 4 years to know this!) He listens me when I talk and is always telling me that if there is something I’m not comfortable with not to hold back telling him, something I started doing when I was with Nathan because he sometimes would just be quick to get angry and I didn’t want to deal with that. Interestingly, Nick also has PTSD (he was mugged twice in the past), but I have not seen it manifest in him (yet) the way it did with Nathan at times (short temper, blowing off conversations when something was wrong, etc.)

I was talking to Nick the other day over the weekend on video chat while I was in NY about a job interview I was going to have on the 19th (the one that didn’t turn out because I don’t have the requirements they want after all) and he said something about a drug test if I did get hired, as I had gotten high with him the previous weekend. And I paused and thought about that and started googling how long marijuana might be detectable in your urine. And then he was like, “I put that worry in your head. I’m so sorry. I hope that I didn’t fuck you over. I want to look out for you.” And that just felt really good to me. He didn’t force me to try it, I wanted to try it myself. But it was nice that he thought about that and wanted to make sure he wasn’t contributing negatively to my prospects.

Nick was texting me while I was asleep (he often works 3pm-7am shifts) about a code that was called on the unit he doesn’t like working on. The police ended up coming and he said the patient causing that code almost got one of the police officer’s guns. So, he could have been killed. He explained that he wasn’t happy with how the situation was handled, and he was upset with the way things often are where patients are just kept for their insurance to run out so the hospital can profit, and that patients don’t get the right care. The charge nurse screwed him over by not completing paperwork on a new admission, so he had to stay an extra three hours. I told him earlier yesterday that he really needs to try and transfer to another, safer hospital, and he said he has to put in his year where he currently is, which will be up around March. He also said, “Let’s get really high tomorrow and fuck like crazy” xD 

I don’t get high every time we hang out, but it is actually really relaxing and fun. It makes me uninhibited, and it’s how I started having a lot of orgasms during sex, I think because of the disinhibition. Now I can have orgasms while not high because of everything Nick likes to do in terms of positions. I remember trying to get high with my friend Julie from a different program in my grad school. it never worked. Idk why. The only other time marijuana had affected me was the one time I tried edibles when I was with Nathan. But Nick has this vaporizer machine that makes water vapor from marijuana, and apparently it really concentrates the THC that way, while apparently removing some carcinogens, and that actually gets me high.

If in a few months, Nick is nothing like he is now and I’m not happy with him, I have accepted that that’s ultimately okay. Because I am a good person, I was very good to Nathan, I am good to Nick, I know that I deserve the best when it comes to a romantic partner. I do not go out of my way to hurt the people I love. And even if I end up single, I will be okay, because I am going to take care of myself, always, first and foremost. If anything, being in a relationship has REMINDED ME that BEING HAPPY BY YOURSELF FIRST, and doing the things that are going to make YOU happy, are so important, whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not! A romantic relationship is not going to fix all of your problems. I was still unhappy about feeling unsuccessful early in mine and Nathan’s relationship, until I got into my master’s program. And even throughout that, I struggled with feeling like some sort of failure, even though the entire program, I had this guy that really seemed to love me and want the best for me. So, point blank: make your-fucking-self happy, regardless of your relationship status. A boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is only supposed to ADD TO that happiness. They should not be the sole source of your happiness, otherwise your happiness is always at the mercy of someone who can one day wake up and tell you they don’t want to be with you anymore, or whatever it is they’re gonna do that will break your heart.

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend, 

I haven’t written in a long time. I’m feeling lonely now, and i’ve just read old primary school journals and i realised, i’ve been feeling lonely since childhood. my best friends were books, and my first real best friends came in sec sch, which was messy and hard to understand. 

i’m going through a hard day today. there’s so many things to figure out. i feel like i could fall apart and break down any second, my chest was hurting and i laid in bed almost the whole day. at least i managed to get some working out done which i’m proud of myself for. i’m debating on philosophical things like what’s right and wrong, what’s good and bad, and i can’t find an answer. i wonder why i cannot get along with my family and i wonder if it is something i should let go of (that’s what i really want to do, move out), or i should do something about it like tell them how i want to be treated or fight back. 

i know my parents care for me, but they do it in such intrusive ways. the whole house runs on my mother’s mood, which switches like lightning. one moment she’s hugging and praising me, and a few seconds later she finds something she doesn’t like about the house, and starts berating us for being lazy and useless and saying she doesn’t understand how we are able to live like this. my dad is slightly better because he gives me space and respects my privacy, so i am more willing to go to him whenever i have problems, and he is more patient and open to jokes. however, i don’t like whenever he pressurises me to tell him what’s wrong or something, because i always need time to process things on my own first. and looking at my primary school journals, i have been processing things on my own for a very long time. my mom is temperamental and she pressurises me to talk to her and show affection to her, and then the next second she’s shouting again. sometimes i joke with her and she turns it into another nagging session. and during the times where i did actually want to tell her something, she usually responds in a way that was insulting, disregarding or useless. then she asks me why i don’t tell her anything, or whether i even love her at all. i don’t know how to answer that. i have given up going to her for advice. my sister seems to be making peace by being the one that acts cute and tolerates her bullshit. 

i know that her as my mother, i should be a filial and obedient daughter and idk listen to her because “its for my own good” and she does care, its not like she doesn’t care. in fact, she’s nagging and scolding because she cares. but i just wish she did it in a more productive and less dictative manner, because whenever she lets her anger gets the better of her, it just comes off badly to me. even her frustration at herself makes me frustrated. why is there a need to project your frustration outwards? if we are all expected to swallow our frustration when it comes to you, then why can’t you control your own anger? it doesn’t seem fair to me. but alot of times, it is difficult to act solely based on what you think is fair or unfair, especially when these people are hierachically higher than you --- your parents, bosses, etc. people who can make your life more miserable and hard than it already is. 

i always hesitate telling people about my life and my hardships, because i know many have it harder than me, and i know i am blessed and all etcetc, my family is financially well, i have a stable career ahead, etcetc. i’m just always unhappy at home unless i am alone. and with the recent coronavirus situation, i’m with my family at home 24/7, which is extremely tiring. i’m living my life by their timetable and their rules. lunch is cooked at noon today and i woke up in a bad mood, because i was woken up DUE to lunch. it frustrated me that i can’t even wake up at a time i want to wake up, because lunch is cooked and i have to eat it, whether or not i wanted to eat that and at that time. then i got scolded for talking back because i flared up at my sister who nagged at me that my food was getting cold --- i never wanted the food anyway! 

i really want to move out. i wish i could. but its too bad that in my country and my racial norms, children don’t move out until they get married and buy their own house. i don’t even know if houses are for rent for teenagers or even if its cheap enough for fresh grads to rent in my country. 

however, could it be that these problems are easily blamed onto others and i could do something to help it? maybe i should work on my self-confidence and communication skills, assert my needs in a diplomatic way and somehow bring peace and harmony into the famliy? i have no idea. it always feels like i’m being ungrateful whenever i blame things on my mom, but she really seems to be the issue. even my sister, who is my main confidante, isn’t helping because ever since she started working, she has somehow gotten closer to my mom and i don’t understand why and how. 

i know i am a very “righteous” person in that i cannot stand injustice and unfairness, and i get angry whenever people are not treated the way they should or people don’t behave kindly. its more about kindness i think. but also i wonder if whilst they are unkind, perhaps i could be kind? i think that led to my career choice too, but that is another matter altogether. 

i’m just never sure what is wrong and right anymore, or who is good and bad. everyone would like to think that they’re good and what they do is right, but not everyone is. and what if i’m one of them? 

i just want to do the right thing, and be a good person. but not at the expense of going against my values, what i believe in, and how i think i should be treated, and the life i want to live. it may seem rebellious or immature, but i really want to live a life of my own, and i don’t want to be held back by something so fickle as someone’s mood -- that is usually linked to how she feels about herself. i really couldn’t care less. its unfair that the whole famliy has to cater to her just because she gets frustrated with herself and things around her. 

but then again, kindness? ? ? giving people a chance to explain themselves and being open to the idea that all these may come from a good place, unless consistent actions proves us wrong? 

i find it difficult to wrap my head around the concept of “bad people”, but perhaps there may just be people that you will never be able to get along with? which is another concept that i try not to believe, because in my line of work, i have to get along with ALL types of people. however, i hope i can keep things professional and not let things like personality get in the way. i think my previous supervisor wasn’t exactly professional, because she gave feedback on my personality as opposed to my competence, which is not something she has the right to judge. But then again, in my line of work, you need to have a good character -- which i have, but she refused to see and/or misunderstood, simply because idk, i was self-conscious and awkward whilst being self-righteous, so it came off as disrespectful and uncaring. i’m not sure how else i could have fixed it, since my other supervisors never had that issue with me. but i suppose it is just a lesson learnt that well, not everyone will see the best in you and self-confidence is very important. 

i will be good at my job. i have to. 

that aside, the issues with my family stays. together with the longstanding issue that although okay yes i care for them, but i cannot, for the life of me, show any outright affection towards my parents. i don’t wish death and illness on them and i hope they are happy (for our sakes too) so in that sense i care, but i can’t go out of my way to show that i care, other than doing things like chores and helping them out with technology stuff. you’d be sure i won’t be acting cute, i won’t be hugging, bringing up polite small talk etc. i just cringe SO MUCH when i even think of doing it that i physically can’t do it. and i don’t know why. 

and another longstanding issue i have yet to tackle: opening up to friends. 

i do have a few friends and all, but i can never bring myself to open up to them the way i open up here or in my diary. i always feel that it won’t be helpful, and i will just burden them with my issues. i know of a friend who used to be someone i confided in, and i think she’s just sick of it now i feel, because also i barely talk to her now although we meet in a group. also, i know a friend who constantly talks to EVERYONE about her issues, and i find that so burdensome-- mainly because she doesn’t take any of our advice and continuously broods about the same issues for years. and i don’t want to be that kind of person in someone elses’ life. i have friends who say they are “all ears” towards my issues, but from experience what they have to say after i’m done talking, is not value-adding and not helpful to my predicament. so i’d rather not. i wonder if its because i haven’t met the correct people, or should i still take the risk and open up? i’ve never been able to solve this. 

but its really hard to deal with these things when i don’t know the answers, and i don’t know how to make things better. 

a few weeks ago i read a book, The Courage to be Disliked, and i was so empowered by it because its centred around the concept that your relationship with yourself and others, and achieving happiness, is truly all in YOUR HANDS, once you embrace this certain mindset. 

that mindset was something novel and idealistic, something that i agreed on some levels but couldn’t understand on other levels as well. but i did think it was good advice, in a way, and it was liberating to think that your fate is in your hands. 

but with these issues above, i feel like my autonomy and ability is taken away from my hands again. because i have no answers. i have no action plan to solve these deeply ingrained issues, that i have been pushing aside for so long because i had other pressing issues and deadlines to cover. 

i just wonder if these issues are hindering me from peace and contentment, which is all i want in life. also freedom. i really love that feeling of freedom, but i haven’t felt that in a long time -- not just because we’re all stuck at home, but even psychological freedom. these few days i feel stuck. 

also i just got out of a relationship, the one i mentioned in previous posts. i broke up with him 2 months ago. he’s still in the denial stage of the 5 stages of grief, whereas i’m moving away from the depressed stage already. 

he is another issue altogether, but i’m just glad i don’t have to deal with him anymore. he wasn’t value-adding, and i was blind. i just want to find myself again, and stick with it. 

i want to be my best friend, give me advice. maybe this is something i need time to figure out? 

i’m so tired and drained now. i’m going to lie down.