#idk its hurts and im scared and im fucking angry. im so angry with my parents for treating me the way they do and treating my siblings

[confusedsiewmai]

-

[panlyv]

wtv

[caruliaa]

. like having to leave and cut out people whove caused you so much pain and hurt and trauma is difficult enough even though it feels like it shouldnt be but just. having to also lose people who are important to you and that you deeply care about bc ur put in this position where you cant have them in your life if youve cut those hurting you out is just. idk its just so fucking difficult.

[core4writes]

Hiii... can you maybe write a story were y/n is very reckless and always get herself in danger and colby have enough of that and like fuck her roughly cause he is frustrated with her then later break down and admit his fear of losing her ..... idk if you are writing though and if you are comfortable with the whole thing.... feel free to ignore it if you don't!

Either way thank you!❤️

i will be glad to do it! i have never written smut before so i think ill just skip that part till i get better at it.

Reckless

warning: sad ig, mentions of drug substance, mentions of alcohol

stuff in bold are flashbacks

pairing: Colby Brock x reader fem pronouns



y/n pov:

this past week all i have been doing is going to party to party with kat and stas, and everyday i am greeted with a hangover. i wake up in bed today with a deadly headache, the sun shining in my face. i pull the blankets hoping to decrease the aggravating pain in my head, the blankets were ripped off of me. "No more." i heard colby voice and open my eye slightly.

"what do you mean no more?" with confusion i sit up, colby is still staring at me with anger. i can just tell when he is angry, he breathes  more heavy. "No more partying, i have had enough." i look at him with a sly smile "what did i do this time? oh wait did i throw up on you again? sorry if i did." i laugh it off.

"im serious y/n. do you remember nothing that happened last night?" he points at me "you could have died."

flashback 

me, stas, kat, sam and colby were at the las Vegas bar called 'XS Nightclub' the hot spot for partying. i down my 9th shot of vodka with kat and stas and we went out into the dance floor, sam and colby stay at the bar watching us.

third person pov:

colby leaned over to sam "do you see a change in y/n?" sam wanted to say no i mean y/n is one of his close friends she will never change, but he didnt want to lie to his best friend. "yeah dude, but if she is happy-" sam was cut off by colby "y/n didnt even like alcohol but now look at her, downing it like its nothing." colby sighs

sam and colby looks at y/n on the dance floor, y/n swings her hips to the music. someone tapped her on her shoulder, "excuse me, where are the bathrooms?"

y/n can not hear over the loud music "what? oh, its over there let me show you." y/n pointed to the entrance "okay." the tall girl says and then they just disappear.

colby thinks nothing of it because he trust his girlfriend, "man, i need another shot."

hours go by and stas and kat come back to sam and colby, "guys, we cant find y/n." colby looked at kat and stas with eyes wide open and his face went pale. "wait, what do you mean you cant find her she was just with you." stas looked at colby, "yeah but she went to show some girl the bathroom and never came back."

sam, colby, kat and stas looked everywhere for y/n. they didnt find her till they saw her outside the club walking down the street. "y/n, where are you going." colby runs up to y/n, "im going to the gas station im hungry." she said whiny.

"we are going home." colby says

end flashback

y/n pov:

"oh... im sorry." my voice quieted down

"sorry? your sorry? you could have gotten hurt, like kidnapped or hit by a bus." colby voice yelled.

"well im here now so." i said

"im scared of you leaving me okay? you change into this party animal and im scared of just losing you, the old you. And you don't talk to me about your problems anymore you're just so reckless. I need you,I need you to be here with me physically and mentally." colbys voice cracked.

The silence was heavy for minutes.

"I didn't know you felt like that. "Should've told me about that sooner I would understand." I say.

Colby crawls on the bed next to me, sobbing."I just don't wanna lose you." colby cries into my chest. "i know baby i know."

"i love you."

it was a little bit rushed at the end, my first writing piece ever hope I didn't do bad.💕

[ganeshpnf]

heyyyyy! i see a lot of criticism on wottg lately and i think they are sooo right. what's your opinion on wottg?

Hmm I already shared a bit of my thoughts about it but who am I to hurt you? Im just gonna rant again and more detailed I guess XD

First of all, I was soo confused by how rushed it was. You can even tell it by the title names. The book felt like it was written in one night. The mistakes also proves it. Editor was asleep? I dont know. Rick is just too old? I dont know. The worst of all, Rick doesnt care enough to put efford anymore? I still dont know, but it sure feels like it. Leo is treated like he is fine and daisy, Clovis being Morpheus's son, weird huge typo mistakes...

Not to mention characters were so ooc. And no Im not talking about: Annabeth threw a party, thats so ooc. I think she was so in character for that one. In fact, that part was my favourite in the book. It was good to remember her rebellious side after show messed her up with her goody two shoes personality. The real issue was Annabeth's and Percy's dynamics felt like they had 0 development in pjo. Wdym that girl is suprised when Percy comforts her? I just read SOM and I can pull so many scenes of Percy comforting her. Wdym Annabeth is fucking surprised when Percy acts all smart? How old they are? 12? (I suggest reading @lilislegacy s criticism for this parts, it was more detailed and so right!)

Its so obvious that Rick wrote this book when he was working on the show and wanted to merge them both together, which is soo wrong in my opinion. Look I like show actors, they are fine with the tv show. But they are NOT the book characters, they are actors. Walker is not Percy Jackson, he is the actor of him in the show. Leah is not Annabeth Chase, she is the actor of her in the show. Aryan is not Grover, he is actor of him in the show. I think Rick and some fans tbh, dont understand this fact. I love them and they deserve to be shine in the big screen, but books should stay books. When we open the book, we should see the book characters, not them. Book canon and show canon should never be together. Because no, they are not the same and would never be. Rick spent this whole book on advertasing his tv show and it was too cringe. Olympus+? Really Rick?

One of the weird thing was also adding Chiron's injury. I was confused bcs like I was sure Percy rode on him before and I know he would notice this. Its just makes 0 sense.

Were they good stuff? Yes, trio's scenes in general werr adorable. Seeing old campers again also. But I want to add that Rick lost a big chance to make this book shine. Where is Jason? Even mention of him would be a big hit, imagine him in that party. I know even with these mistakes, this book would be a hit. Also so many fans wanted this Idk why he didn't go for it.

I like Rick, even though he makes me so angry with this kind of stuff. He gave me a perfect childhood with this characters. But that doesnt mean I have to agree with his every decision and support him no matter what. Idk if he is getting old or anything but this book was just a fanfiction. And not a good fanfiction because I know I see so many better written fanfictions. I hope he fixes his mistakes in the next book because I am still hopeful, even though I am a bit scared. I still want the next book soo bad. Wishing it would be more like Chalice you know :)

Oh and before I finish it, I am forever mad for him mixing Annabeth's lemon shampoo!!! I'm sorry but that was special to me. Apple shampoo? Wdym usual apple shampoo? Someone need to fix this typo mistakes!

Thank you for your ask anon :)

[elvencantation]

weird things i don’t know if i can attribute to trauma or adhd or social anxiety:

-super sensitive smell and taste. carbonation hurts my tongue

-sometimes brain decides perfectly good food is bad (usually if i’ve had it too many times or its too bland) and if i make myself eat it i’ll have a stomachache (also sometimes i just don’t have the energy to try new foods)

-subset of this: i am very sad when my tomatoes or nectarines (or anything else that i love to be firm) is soft or otherwise unusually textured. like if i can see they’re wrinkly or lumpy i will not eat them. i am currently staring at some sad tomatoes being like. will my mouth accept them or will they be too soft

-unspoken social rules i don’t know and anxiety about new social situations i have no context for, no list of example responses and what it leads to

-i have two social modes that its very hard to find middle ground between: stranger and person who is safe

-bothers me when people are wrong about something and i am often not able to stop myself from correcting them

-very blunt and bad at subtext, take things way too literally especially when im tired

-let me expound on that. even when i know the question isn’t meant literally, usually i answer it literally first, then as they meant it. i play it off as a joke but it’s hard to resist being totally and completely honest if there isn’t a reason (like info about myself i think people don’t need to know)

-no understanding of peer pressure and why someone would change themselves to fit in (like srsly how do you find genuine friends with common interests and stuff if you’re hiding who you are?)

-annoyed by overly self-deprecating statements. have dealt with this by being overly sarcastic like- OH MY GOD. HOW DARE YOU HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS AROUND ME, ANOTHER HUMAN YOU TRUST AND WHO CARES ABOUT YOU???

-constant over analysis of myself and how new people perceive me, esp coworkers (since they’re not friends, they don’t choose to spend time with me) UPDATE: i’ve mostly stopped doing this. turns out it was social anxiety and the fact that i had to meet like over fifty new coworkers at once

-i logic my own emotions. i can logic myself out of them sometimes if they’re negatively affecting me. usual example: i can usually set aside my anxiety at something if there's nothing i can do to change it. or more accurately if i've taken a step towards fixing whatever triggered it

-very slow reflexes/processing time

-can’t stand pet hair on my clothes or stuff

⁃very fluid sense of opinion. very influenced by the opinions of those im close to. to the point where a dress i loved, i couldn’t bear to wear because my mom said it looked trashy. to the point where my best friend said she didn’t like a song, so i didn’t really like it (i just listened to it, and its not a bad song. i think i do like it? idk) i think this used to be more severe when i had less self confidence but still happens now sometimes

-secondhand embarrassment can become so unbearable and i have to plug my ears and want to hide. sometimes will literally hide if possible if the situation is happening irl

-dissociating after 2+ hours staring at a screen

-if there’s no background noise i can hear my ears ringing and that’s not fun

-i never get angry. upset sure. anger or rage? i can remember feeling properly angry like. once. when my brother was young and traumatized and did something totally stupid and fucked with my sweet cousin. that’s… pretty much it. but mostly it was my protective instinct and i think i was scared cause i didn’t understand what was happening

-the sheer panic and frustration that happens when someone misunderstands my words consistently. like if you cannot understand what i am saying how do i communicate with you? in the time honored words of dr seuss: "i meant what i said and i said what i meant"

-this might be a mom trauma thing but- when someone's less emotive and quieter around me, they are mad at me. but if they smile at something i said, they are no longer mad at me

-i need a wide information on all the ways a certain social interaction will go before i feel confident participating

-i tend to dominate conversations with my interests and am very bad at asking specific questions. usually i just try to encourage people to do what i do and tell me their interests my association

[kylejsugarman]

Idk if you’ve answered this already but at what point in their relationship did Jesse tell Demi ab his past? How did that go over? How much does she know?

ive mentioned it some before but i haven't really gone super in depth!! as u all may know, i am very "and then everyone made it to alaska and everything ended up ok!! :)" minded, so i dont have a big dramatic revelation beat to my story and ultimately, jesse never tells demi that he's living under a completely new identity. however, he does tell her a Lot of other things, partially because he trusts her, partially because he feels guilty keeping things from her that might make her see him differently; he feels that she deserves to know how fucked up he is so she can escape him and avoid tying herself down to a mistake. jesse first tells her about his drug use after demi explains how her sister died, again out of that guilt and the expectation that she won't want to associate with a former(ish) addict, but demi saw firsthand how powerful addiction can be and isnt scared off. when it comes to his criminal history, it takes him a little longer to work up the nerve to disclose that stuff: he's afraid of both endangering her by letting her know what he's done and losing her. he drops a few things along the way, usually related to drug dealing and production since she was so understanding of that aspect of his past, but once they decide to get married, he feels that he owes it to her to be totally honest. the dark details of making and selling the drugs, being around violence and controlling figures. enacting violence himself. losing people. being sold into slavery. he leaves out specific identifying details (demi's never been a current events kind of person but he cant risk her connecting those dots) and places a lot of the blame on himself instead of trying to describe the people from his past who were pulling a lot of those strings. its basically an abridged version of the show's events, no names, no details in certain places (he doesnt even tell her which state he used to live in), and no forgiveness.

demi listens patiently the whole time, not asking many questions along the way. she tenses up when he touches on captivity, but otherwise her demeanor remains open and nonjudgmental. when it's over, she doesn't say anything, which is somehow worse than disgust. jesse is so wound up at this point that he flips out on her, insisting that this is her time to cut her losses. he's a criminal, a fucking murderer. he's evil. demi still doesnt react the way he wants and instead just waits until he's out of venom before reaching out to very gently smooth down his hair. petting the angry, upset dog instead of reflexively giving him away. "im sorry you've had to carry that around with you all this time," she says softly and that breaks him. because it Has been so hard carrying that around. demi asks a few more questions, clarifies a few more things, then tells him what she thinks. that she's seen how he acts now, how he treats people, how he treats himself. that she grew up with a father who sounds like the figures he alluded to in his story. that she is uncertain and insecure about a lot of things, but she's never been more sure that jesse is a good person and that she loves him irrespective of whatever came before. "im dangerous," he insists, a former fighting dog that would rather die than return to the ring. a hand on his own—"then why do i feel so safe with u?"

it's not perfect. there will always be things that jesse never shares with her and he will never totally forgive himself because as the one living person who knows the Extent of what went down, he feels that it's his responsibility to hold himself accountable for It for the rest of his life. demi's perception of him Does change, although not entirely in a negative way, and she is a little hurt that he expected her to bail so quickly and she can't lie and say that her mind doesn't occasionally drift to the fact that her husband has killed people. but at the end of the day, they're two broken people who were utterly convinced that their lives were over before they found each other. this is their second chance at life and they're never going to take that or each other for granted. whatever comes, they're going to face it together

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[anti-rq-enot]

hiya!! you seem rad so ig i just wanted to hop in here to get a second opinion on something (if you’re uncomfortable with what im about to say or just generally don’t wanna respond feel free to delete/ignore)

but like. am i the only one that’s really uncomfortable with para flags and stuff like that?? (like as in pedo, zoo, etc not things like objectum bc its objects wtv go crazy yk)

this could just be me being ignorant or even ableist so feel free to call me out if it is, but like when i see people like talk about their attraction to kids and animals and stuff in a casual non negative way and like make flags for it i just feel gross. for context im a minor and somewhere on the alterhuman spectrum, and i LOVE animals (in like a normal way), and like im cool with paraphiles that like get help and like discuss their illness in certain places in a normal way but like when they’re like “yeah i wanna fuck kids lol” and make flags saying that they wanna fuck animals or kids or something even if they’re anti contact it just feels so gross to me and makes me feel unsafe. shrug.

i just cant tell if im the only one that feels this way bc like a lot of ppl in the anti rq community dont feel the way i do about this and think all that is fine as long as your anti contact and idk i just cant tell if its ableism or if its not but it just makes me feel icky.

apologies for rambling i just kinda wanted a second opinion bc idk if im just being a douche or not. again feel free to ignore/delete if this aint something you wanna respond to idm

oh boy my first ask :D

Okay so I will admit I am rather new to this community but I feel like what you're saying here is completely valid. As a kid yourself I'd imagine it's pretty terrifying to see people creating these flags that are pretty much openly stating that they're proud of their harmful urges (Again, I could be very wrong about this.) Like yeah i have very graphic intrusive thoughts about violence but I'm definitely not proud of it and actively do everything I can to make sure I never hurt anyone-- you can tell if I'm angry or scared because I'll shove sharp objects away from myself.

Again, I bear no hatred towards people with these urges as long as they seek help for it and try to minimize their risk of harming people as much as possible. (And as for nonharmful paras like objectum I don't really care what you do, you're not hurting anyone.) If someone does some crazy shit with their (ADULT, HUMAN, CONSENTING) partner I don't care, but if you proudly display the fact that you want to screw toddlers in your posts and aren't ashamed of it don't be surprised when I don't trust you around my younger friends.

Someone might call me bigoted for this but if anyone disagrees or I got something wrong PLEASE let me know. I am genuinely curious to see what others have to say about this.

[my-castles-crumbling]

cas! omg hi

I just found out that one of my class teachers is leaving the school at the end of this semester and idk how I feel about it

because on one side I'll definitely miss him because he's pretty important to me but I also feel really guilty for my first thought being that my other class teacher (my favourite and the teacher that I'm very unhealthily attached to) was going to have a difficult time with my class after that because they don't really respect her

Also, she is a pretty emotional person and I know that the way the class is acting gets to her and every time she's upset I just want to help her, i want to fix things I want to make it better but I can't because I'll put myself out on the line for more bullying and I don't want that and she doesn't either, ik that.

but i still feel like I'm supposed to do that, like I'm supposed to make things easier for her or else I feel really bad about it. ik that that comes from the way I was raised and from my parents but that doesn't help me in fixing this, it's just become really hard and I thought I'd reach out before it got worse

also, I found out a couple months ago that my dad probably smokes. like, I found cigarettes in his apartment (my parents are divorced) and I don't know 100% still, but I've just completely repressed that because he always used to be so against drugs and everything and ik that he's had a hard time since the divorce but its so annoying that he's stuck in his self-pity like three years after the goddamn divorce like get over your fucking self I'm just so angry at him and it feels like he's betrayed me by doing that and the problem is, I'm exactly like him and everything my mother criticized about him and the things that led to their divorce, I do too and I hate myself for it.

I do actually try and be better than him but it's either out of fear of hurting someone and them leaving me or because of anger that I just don't want to be like him, not out of wanting to be a good person, and it's all just so fucking complicated and I dont know.

Also, as you can probably tell I have a lot of issues with my father, I always have had but it's insane now because it was always me liking my mother more than him because she tried to fix things and he was immature and took everything personally, but now that my mums been kinda transphobic to me since I can out to her im scared because I've actually started liking him again but at the same time I hate him with everything in me and i just don't know what to do or how to act.

sorry for the vent I needed to get that out, as always have a good day and put yourself over helping us when you need it. ❤️

(doing this off anon, idk why just feeling like it)

Hi hon!

First off, as a teacher, it’s not your job to defend your teachers. It’s so sweet of you, but your job is to listen to your teachers and get an education. If you want to cheer your teacher up because you feel like she’s struggling, you could write a note to her! I adore getting notes from my students and I save all of them.

In sorry to hear your other teacher is leaving. It’s always sad to say goodbye to a teacher, especially a good one. If you want, you could write a note to him as well!

As far as your dad and mom, I think one thing I’ve learned about having divorced parents is that it’s okay to have your own opinions of them. You’re not betraying your mom by finding good in your dad, and vice versa. It’s also okay to see pieces of them in yourself, because you can take those pieces and turn them into good things. The fact that you recognize you want to be better already means you ARE better.

I’m proud of you, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this! Sending love!

[bongwaterbunny]

no please yell at me it's the only way I'll listen to you. you don't have to if it hurts you though. just talk to me. I love you I'll listen I promise

its just. idk. im scared all the time and i know theres no reason to be. there's no reason for me to be angry there's no reason for me to be so fucking upset over everything to do with you because its not your fault! seriously. we're both insanely sensitive and i should understand you better than i do but i see you call yourself pathetic and theres this part of me that wants to hurt you? not even hurt *you*, just. hurt the part of you that thinks so little of the person i love. if that makes sense. i know i sound dumb and you're probably uncomfortable reading this because i literally just said i wanted to hurt you but i love you so much. so. much. like i didnt sleep last night i was too busy writing and rewriting a poem to send you for valentines, and then i got scared again so i never did send it.

believe it or not, you're one of the (if not *the*) most important person in know. you stole my heart the day i met you and i just wish you would use it and realize how utterly amazing you are! you're not perfect, you're nowhere near perfect my love but neither am i. nobody is. perfect isn't real so you can't expect yourself to be perfect. you're human. you deserve just as much love as everyone, if not more. so please. please try to take care of yourself the same way you would take care of your favourite person in the world, ok? at least until i can drive out to you and do it for you?

[its-koili]

i need to be active again. i desperately want to talk to my friends but ever since i was sent irl gore and physical threats back around 2017 on my original tumblr (and later found out a few ppl i knew got it too just bc they were associated with me) i just havent fully recovered.

i talked abt this a bit on my priv twitter over the years and i dont want to delve back into it but i still feel so guilty still knowing that its my fault bc i was friends with those people and unknowingly brought my other friends/ex-friends into a crossfire. ig moving back to tumblr is just bringing up old memories and thats why i cant stop thinking about it. (these were the friends i had that made me cut off all of my other friends in the first place. they took up 99% of my time and would get angry if i talked to anyone else. they thought sending nasty anons like that was "funny" and i found out they did it after it was too late and ive blamed myself ever since. i trusted these ppl and took the fall for them multiple times bc i didnt have many friends but i had to put a stop to it and set up boundaries and thats when they turned on me. i was 18-19 and they were in their almost mid 20s. they scared the shit out of me and physically threatened me.) i have witnesses and im very grateful for that. these ppl arent online anymore from what ive gathered so im grateful for that too. they swatted one of our old mutuals successfully after what they did to me. i still feel so horrible for the individual who was affected and anybody who was hurt by them.

i know not everybody would do something like that (hell, hardly ANYBODY would do smthng like that.) but im still terrified of people bc of this. even people ive known for longer. if ppl i trusted with every inch of my being would do something so horrible im absolutely petrified itll happen again.

i still blame myself. maybe if i wouldnt have been friends with them this wouldnt have happened but i didnt know theyd be like that. they were so manipulative and it was terrifying. idk how to get over it and i dont know if i ever can. im terrified to open up and i just hope that these ppl have grown and changed because. fuck. it literally ruined me as a person. i hope theyre happy.

[nerves-nebula]

i can imagine my life would've been worse if not for that. im twitchy and anxious as is, and i was already scared of the way he'd grip my arms or shoulders too tightly. i didn't know he used to hit my brother until i was like 14 or something, and it was a shock but also.. not exactly surprising? idk, i'd always gotten the impression that when he gave me a death glare what he REALLY wanted to do was smack me. its interesting to find out i was sorta right.

Tw: child abuse(aggressions ig)

Commented about death glare, gosh because of those type of glares I received from my ma, even tho it's been ig a long time since I've been hitted.

It's only like a warning because yeah, I mean... Where I live is pretty normal to be "hitted" and as you say is often used as a joke because: Bruh I did this shit at home and mom was so angry she hitted the hell out of me with a damn Broom. It's kinda weird actually to see how it's actually s fucked up thing to say BC is pretty common to hear: it's for their own good/ they need to learn matters but eh...

Tbh my case of being hitted is because of miscommunication and mental problem of mine that my parental figure gets over irritated. Many many times I can't cry in front of them for that reasons.

👤 but tho those death glares are a menace too...

Also just to end this because actually I'm ranting and Ty because I've never noticed how fucked up those shit are because of how common it is where I live.

The excuse of being used to educate is pretty stupid because of how incompetent people can be dealing with emotions and making s kid learn without violence <3 violence gave me emotional issues and I easily get annoyed by things and at myself.

I mean I've been accused on those times when they try to smack me of hurting them.

🫂 sharing some fucked up shit of own experience.

Pats and hugs take care

you take care too, sounds like a lot to deal with!

[exnihilo-comic]

hello zero. do you have a rec list of songs? a playlist?

ok, so theres no easy answer for this

idk how to describe my musical tastes. i guess i could put them in a 3-axis graph, like this, and just kinda let the artists fall where they may

ive always enjoyed obscure and acoustic indie artists, as well as weird and obscure rock bands and mainstream rock bands. im always scared to "actively" listen to music for some reason. ill just find something i like and then seek it out organically after listening it.

pink floyd - i used to listen to my mom's pink floyd CDs on my sisters stereo a lot. my mom bought them to entertain guests whenever her friends would come over for drinks. 'Animals' is my favorite, and i never got into 'Dark Side of the Moon' that much but i liked its themes. 'Animals' gives me feelings of being a kid and imagining what it's like to be an adult. if you look at the album art for 'Wish You Were Here' along with the art and lyrics in the CD booklet, it all gives a very futuristic machination feel and it unnerved me so much i didnt listen to it. it scared me. now i love it, and its my favorite PF album art. look up tattoos of it, its great.

the real tuesday weld - contender for my fav band. i own physical music from them more than any other artist. i saw the video for Bathtime In Clerkenwell as a kid on MTV and it blew me away (anyone who knows me knows i love animation + black and white + russian art). when i realized it wasnt just a video but a music video for a band, i went down this rabbit hole of the entire band and it made me appreciate weird electronic lounge music. this is what P!ATD tried to do but failed spectacularly. its music from the past if they had the tools of the future. i listen to their music and i feel like im dreaming, its ethereal. their last album they released (the next to last to be released) was called Dreams and thats what i feel when i hear them.

i think my fav songs lately are Let It Come Down (calming jazz lounge) Silicone (noir theme for two fucked up lovers) One More Chance (cabaret duet letter from Lucifer addressed to God). one of my fav videos is probably the one for Me And Mr Wolf (contains blood and cartoon violence) my popsocket is lifted right from the video. it looks rough, i know

the peculiar pretzelmen - i heard these dudes bc i was actually looking for music like TRTW. they describe themselves as "voodoo death stomp" and it reminds me i love sad angry folk music and bluegrass. you, yes you, specifically, notfredjohnson, ive told about them to before. i have listened to a LOT of their work all year and are my current go to for music to listen to during my drive to work.

rabbit foot blues - hardcore romp ode to those with nothing and everything

sing along - how do you accept that someone doesnt want to be in your life anymore? i guess sing a song

crazy man michael is an amazing heartfelt cover of a beautiful song from the 70s

other songs i tend to like a lot solely bc i REALLY like female vocalists. i just do, they carry so much pain and hurt in their voices that just comes natural to a female singing voice.

behind these hazel eyes by kelly clarkson, nobody's home by avril lavigne, im sorry i love you by the magnetic fields, sober by p!nk, the lions roar by first aid kit,

diamonds cutting diamonds by lydia ainsworth, waiting around to die by the be good tanyas, iron horse by mean mary, with me wherever i go by laurie lewis

theres so much more in so many weird and different genres so i think ill close with ein astronaut. heres turn, which im obsessed with (i fucking love accordion) and here he is doing vocals for WREN in she'd never know

[magnoliamyrrh]

this is about the convo earlier with being molested by family members..i'm also balkan and i grew up with my grandparents but especially my grandpa inappropriately touching my chest and when i tried to tell my mom, older sis and aunt they all dismissed it as 'ehh he probably didn't mean to/his hand slipped'. i didn't wanna insist and look crazy because i do love my grandpa and he was the only parental figure i had in my life growing up, but at the same time...he did do that. idk if he thought it was normal or what but i think about it often. i can't bring it up with my family again because they'll just ignore it (especially now that he's dead). it's weird to think about how loving and nice he was when he was also doing shit like that from time to time. idk where i'm going with this but yeah. i don't think of myself as someone who was molested as a kid but this shit is definitely normalized. i've seen it in other families where they'd constantly touch and talk about their little boy's genitals... it's so fucked up

it really is fucked up, and its fucked up to realize that so many of us grew up w this.... for a long time i thought this was a me issue not a cultural one - and all the silence and shame around it certainly didnt help w that.... its been fucking weird to think abt the last couple of days since i asked on here abt it. like.. weve really made this SO normal and common huh?? that going against it is outright dismissed or even punished??? i cant help but just keep wondering where the fuck it all went so wrong and how we got here - and whats so wrong that things like this havent been accepted only in the balkans but elsewhere. what. what is wrong with this species. incest is one of the only universal taboos among humans, and most other mammals also have an aversion to it. and yet. we have normalized an abnormal amount of it nontheless over and over again .....? uuuff

im sorry you went through that, and im sorry they didn't take it seriously and listen more to you. thats something that always hurts in particular. discomfort/repulsion is a normal reaction to have and youd expect at least the other women in ur family to care or understand it too, and its rly fucked up when they just... dismiss it or minimize it or make you feel guilty for it or like its your issue or hell do it themselves.. i figure for a lot of them, if theyd accept that what youre saying is bad, itd mean theyd have to accept that things they went through themselves was bad, and they dont wanna do that. so they dont do either.. im sorry that u cant speak abt it and i totally get how him being dead would make it all much harder. in my family at least we v much have a "dont speak ill of the dead" sorta thing, or just excusing the actions of particularly men after they did sorta thing......i still haven't told my family just about anything. any time i ever tried to bring up anything as a kid id get dismissed and ignored at best or be punished or degraded and humiliated at worst so.... learned my lesson on that one but. thank u for sending this, i hate to hear how many of us went through this but also its. nice to know that were not alone in this and that other ppl do get it

and i feel you. its a really confusing mess to try to make sense of how to feel abt ppl like that... be angry? be grossed out, be scared? be numb, be okay with it, pretend it didnt happen? excuse it, explain it away? .... and its just weird in the cases when it wasnt rly something particularly violent, or ""not that bad/bad enough"" ig or towes that line of being able to convince urself that maybe welll it could have been an accident. its weird to know how to feel abt them when they were seemingly ok ppl you cared abt and still do and who were nice other times. .. but also... did shit like this which end of the day just isnt ok. idk... i dont think theres rly a end or solution or one way to feel, i think.... its just kinda bound to be a cocktail of conflicting emotions... im still trying to figure out how to find some sort of. idk, potential resolution or peace w any of it but i haven't rly figured it out yet, i just keep turning it in my mind too

[tomato-puppy]

ok u know what fuck this I'm not staying awake. as soon as i come back home im eating 2 night time cold medicine pills and passing out for as many hours as possible. then repeating it. until idk when. i don't have it in me. i don't have the strength to stay up and be inside my head. its SO bad in here. i want to die. i just really want to die. i hate people who get to live and its making me angry inside and i don't want to be this person but life is so fucking unfair and it hurts. why wasnt i born as worthy of love and care as you are. why wasnt i born as handsome as you. why wasnt i born with a functional brain. why couldn't i be funny or charismatic.

why do i get to have all these fucking monstrous things in here with me. why should i try to survive in this waking nightmare while you get to actually live.

I'm so tired and broken. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being sober. I want to close my eyes for the last time