#idk it’s just something that makes me a little bit sad about stardew

[mattithecatti]

i’m not a fan of the guy myself, but sometimes i wonder if people would hate demetrius as much if he was white or sebastian/robin were black

[art-but-only-sometimes]

Stardew Valley 20 heart headcannons!

LOT of posts coming. tumblr has a word count and won't let me go past a certain amount. :/

Not trying to complain about the stuff that ConcernedApe has done. Which is incredible by the way I wouldn't even be making this post without how much ConcernedApe has worked on the game over the years but…. HEADCANNON. I REEEEEEEEEALLLLLY wish the heart events in Stardew Valley went up to 20 hearts for romancible characters. (unless there is already a mod that has it and I just haven't found it yet lol)

Like you have the normal 10 hears for non-romanceable characters. Then you have romanceable characters. The highest reasonable level that I know of is level 16. But that's after you get married. I wish that you ask a bachelor/bachelorette to be your boyfriend/girlfriend at level 10 and then you go through the level 10 to level 18 heart events as you are dating. Then you get the blue shell from the mariner and propose to them at level 18 so that you can get to level 20 and be married to them. Like you spend a bunch of time getting to know and befriend them and get a bunch of heart events levels 0 to 10 and then one or two heart events when you are dating them. Idk I'd like it to be more balanced.

Elliott first!

Elliott: 🪶 12 heart event: You go into Elliott's cabin on the days he's playing piano. He's happy to see you. He asks if he can play something for you. You sit next to him on the piano seat and he plays a song. You lean closer to him, and the song ends. He asks you if you like the song (that was beautiful/ I can think of something more beautiful) if you choose option A, he kisses you. If you choose option B you kiss him.

🪶 14 heart event: (same as the canon event) Elliott goes on a book tour to promote his book, he's gone for 8 days then comes back in the morning and sees the player.

🪶 16 heart event: Elliott feels a bit bad for leaving you alone at the farm. So he has a surprise for you. Head to his cabin at 6pm and meet him inside. If you do get there at 6 he has made a candle-lit dinner for you both.

🪶 18 heart event:(Part 1) You go over to Elliott's cabin and he seems to be having a conversation with someone over the phone. Which he was able to get after his book started doing well. He seems upset. After he hangs up he sees you at the door. He looks surprised, he doesn't want you to see him upset. (Who was that?/Are you alright?) Either one gets a response. Elliott was talking on the phone with his mother. Who called him about how proud she and her family are about how well his book is doing. You're a bit confused about why he is upset. He explains that he is upset because his family didn't care about his career before. But now that he's doing well they care a lot. Elliott says that he had thought about inviting them here but he didn't want to spring it suddenly on the farmer. (if you don't mind then neither do I/ you should invite them only if you feel comfortable). Either way, Elliott thanks you for listening to him. He says he'll ask them to come next week.

🪶 (Part 2): Elliott comes over and says that his family is coming tomorrow at 10am via the bus. The farmer meets Elliott at the bus and sees Elliott's parents. After introductions are made Elliott and The farmer show Elliott's parents around town. Meeting people throughout the day and Elliott's friend as well like Leah and Willy. At the end of the day, Elliott's parents say that it was nice to meet the farmer and say that Elliott has been doing very good for himself. They leave on the bus, and Elliott looks a little sad. He says he was hoping for an apology but didn't get one. The player looks a little sad too and gives Elliott a kiss on the forehead. He asks the player if they'd like to come over to his house for a bit because Elliott would like some company. The player agrees and they both head over there.

🐚~ Marriage~ 🐚

��� 20 Heart Event: be home at 10 pm, after a long day of work Elliott and you get ready for bed. You both get into bed as Elliott tells you about how the two of you don't have time to talk at bedtime. Since he's busy with his book and you with the farm/mining/etc. He really enjoys the time he has with you. He asks you if you'd like him to read to you. (Yes I'd love that actually/ I'd actually just love to talk to you.) Either way, you two spend time together until you both fall asleep.

If you can think of any heart events for Elliott, feel free to add them in!

Elliott 🪶/ Sam 🎸/ Sebastian🎮 / Alex 🏈/ Shane 🍕/ Harvey✈️ Maru 🤖/ Haley 📷/ Leah 🎨/ Abigail ⚔️ / Penny 📖 / Emily 🧵

[zehecatl]

rec post for @f-eef that got too long for its own good, and is now just. a general rec post i guess

(as of writing, today is the steam summer sale! writing this before that goes live, so no guarantee everything on here is on sale, but! most of these are older games, so it’s likely. keep them in mind~)

- Iconoclasts my absolute favourite game, ever (along with OFF, but shh), if you check out one game from this list, let it be this one. it’s a genuinely almost flawless package, with gorgeous pixel art, fun gameplay, a really good story, and a cast of characters i just. adore. it’s so so so good, and three years later, i’m still not over it

- The Binding of Isaac so there’s this genre called roguelikes, wherein the whole gimmick is that, when you die, you gotta start from the Very Beginning; and the ‘point’ is getting better and better at the game, until you win! it’s super easy to just, play a few runs (they generally don’t last that long!), and then go on with your day, so it’s a really fun game to just waste time in, if you just wanna chill with some game. and, in my personal opinion, Isaac is the best roguelike game, with so much stuff to unlock, a whole slew of items to play with, and so much content it’s kind of unreal. i definitely think the DLCs are worth picking up, but it’s mostly for more content than like. actually being necessary

- Terraria it’s minecraft, but 2D. unlike MC, it’s got a bit of guidance, which i personally prefer, with bosses to fight and such. an absolutely BLAST with other people too

- A Hat in Time a 3D platformer, ala Mario, that’s just. super charming. it’s also really fun to play. i haven’t actually played the DLC’s, since i played it way back, but i’ve heard good things about Nyakuza Metro, which does look super slick, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- Slime Rancher you are a slime rancher. you ranch slimes. it’s honestly just wholesome as hell, and just exudes happy vibes. mostly for running around and collecting slimes, ngl

- The Messenger really funky retro game, wherein you play a ninja on a mission. it’s primary draw is definitely in its gameplay, but there’s a surprising amount of story for this kind of genre? i honestly really just like this one. it’s neat

- Underhero you play as a cute minion, who kind of like. managed to kill the hero. and whoops, guess you’re doing his job now? it’s got that undertale vibe, though i’d say it’s less polished than it. HOWEVER, it’s absolutely lovely and it’s climax is REALLY good

- Hatoful Boyfriend bird dating sim. trust me. the ‘secret’ finale route is just. *chef’s kiss* fantastic

- Night in the Woods if you don’t mind having a very poignant sad time, oh my god, i could not recommend NITW more. it perfectly captures that period when you’re done with school, and suddenly your whole life is stretching before you, and you feel so so fucking lost, and overwhelmed and pained with it. it’s just. so good. a sadness worth experiencing 

- Shovel Knight another retro game! this one is, pretty much, the king of the genre, and for very good reasons. the first one (shovel of hope) doesn’t have much story, but the latter ones really add on it. they’re honestly just, really solid games! with funky knight characters!!!

- Hyper Light Drifter man, it’s just a masterpiece. everything about it is perfect. it’s been like, five years, and it’s still one of the very best indie games

- Tell Me Why it’s currently free for june! and it’s a story game! plus, if you like the genre, the devs got the ‘Life Is Strange’ serie(s) to delve into!

- Cat Quest honestly, i just really like this little game. the gameplay is SO much fun, and everything else is just. really charming :’)

- Yoku’s Island Express metroidvania, where you play as a dung-beetle post officer, and the gimmick is that it’s pinball-y! it’s really fun, and very cute and just an all around good time :)

- Owlboy you play as an owl boy! named Otus! and you can fly around, and there’s GORGEOUS pixel graphics, and a neat story, and just. the BEST cast of characters. it’s delightful

- Yuppie Psycho + Count Lucanor just gonna bundle these two together, because they’re both REALLY GOOD. YP is the newer one, and is therefore probably ‘the better one’, but i like them both a ton! they’re 2D horror, but i wouldn’t say they’re that spooky? though that might just be because they’re pixel games! you explore spooky place, and weird stuff happens around you. just a really fun time :)

- Angels of Death my FAVOURITE rpgmaker game, it’s main draw is, a 100%, the main characters and the relationship that develops between them. i just love it a whole lot, and it’s got that lil’ tinge of horror that i, personally, fucking adore. there’s actually an anime based on this, but i haven’t seen it myself!

- Celeste curve ball! it’s a 2D platformer! it’s really good, got a ton of accessibility features, and has like. the tightest gameplay- and, on top of that, surprisingly emotional story! 

- Bastion putting Bastion here, because it’s actually the only one i’ve properly played, but you could probably buy any of the Supergiant Games, and come out satisfied. Bastion is the oldest of the bunch, and is definitely a bit less polished for it, but i personally adore it; the gameplay probably hasn’t aged that well, but i think the story and presentation more than makes up for it

- The Darkside Detective funny point and click adventure, with great wit, and a pair of characters i kind of simply adore. it’s main draw is definitely its humour

- Littlewood very wholesome and chill farming game, that feels more like an RPG than something like stardew valley- i’d not recommend it over SV, but if you want more of SV, Littlewood might scratch that itch!

- Pony Island + The Hex absolutely adore both of these, though if i had to rec only one, it’d probably be Pony Island? they’ve both got that undertale-off vibe, though Pony Island definitely leans harder into it. very interesting plays, both of them

- Oxenfree another horror-ish game! primarily story-focused, but oh boy, what a story! i’m a BIG fan of this game, and the sequel was recently announced too! definitely worth a look if you like ghost shenanigans

- Creature in the Well wasn’t a 100% sure if i should rec this, but beside the finale boss, i really enjoyed my time with this! it’s this weird pinball inspired hack and slash, with some amazing vibes

- Kindergarten 1 + 2 they’re just fun little games okay. the 2nd is much more fleshed out, but the 1st one is really fun too

- the Henry Stickmin collection I JUST... LIKE THESE GAMES A LOT... i think you can find the old versions somewhere on the internet, if you wanna check them out first? idk, they’re fun!

- LIMBO + INSIDE personally, i like INSIDE more, but both of these are classics, and also they’re made by a danish team, and i like them a WHOLE LOT

- The Final Station i could not tell you why i like this game as much as i do, but oh my god. i love this game? it’s got a dying world, neat pixel graphics, big zombie apocalypse vibes, and a weird little story

- Year Walk i love Year Walk :)

- Smile For Me if you liked undertale’s lovely cast of characters, oh boy, you’d likely LOVE this game! it’s really, really, fantastic, and the epilogue (not in the actual game lol) hit me right in the feels

- Pikuniku just a fun little game! there’s not really much there, in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a wonderful little play, one of those games that just sets out to give you a good time, and absolutely success. i like it a lot :’)

- A Short Hike wonderful game, where it’s more about exploring the island than actively finishing the game. it’s real wonderful

- ULTRAKILL ANOTHER CURVEBALL! no idea if you like FPS, but oh my god. ULTRAKILL is so fucking good. just an absolute blast to play. there’s a demo to check out, and i’d definitely recommend it, because if it’s a genre you might like, you’ll love this one (OH also it’s in early access, which means it’s not finished yet! personally, i don’t mind that, especially considering this is more gameplay focused, but ya’ know!)

- My Friend Pedro it’s honestly just really fun to play, and sometimes i still think about the implied lore, and go all !!!!

- Little Misfortune another point and click! this one is pretty short, and is set within the same universe as their other game, Fran Bow, which is much bigger, but idk. i like this one. it’s dark cute

- This Strange Realm of Mine i honestly dunno how to explain this one, because it’s kind of weird and a bit odd, but i really like it, in all its weird poetic glory. it’s neat!

- Donut County you’re a terrible racoon who’s ruined the whole city with holes. it’s great and i love it

- OneShot another ‘gives me undertale vibes’, though this one was in development before UT, if i recall correctly! it’s so good, and it’s got some fantastic meta bits, and i love Niko. i love Niko so much

- Inmost gorgeous vaguely spooky game with a neat story... my favourite genre

- Sayonara Wild Hearts i’d call this more of a spectacle than anything else, but oh my god. what a spectacle it is! the OST is amazing, everything about it just hits right, and even if you suck at the gameplay (which i did), it really doesn’t matter, in my opinion? it’s just great all around!

[mxvladdy]

Little Stardew somethin’ somethin’

*Barges into your house with fluff nobody asked for* In this house we LOVE and RESPECT our sad boi and wish him well. 

Hopeful Fluff of Shane getting better. Idk what to call it but I wrote it soooo-

TW: Mentions of alcoholism and withdrawals symptoms 

Mornings were your favorite. The crisp mountain air coming in from your open windows. Helping erase the slight bitter tinge of mead and wine fermenting in your basement before the next festival. Pouring another cup of coffee you watch the sunrise from your kitchen window. It’s golden rays bounce off the river water flowing lazily outside your garden wall. A few fat salmon jumped out teasingly, scales shining in the cool fall air. 

“Whatca think Salem?” You pat your shepherd's head. “Fishing after herding the sheep? Or a horse ride into town? I think Gus has got some new treats for ya.” Salem woofs, wagging his tail once before trotting to his dog bowl. He eats quickly then eyes the back door expectantly. “All right, herding it is.” Checking the breakfast casserole in the oven and peeking in on your boyfriend’s sleeping form you tiptoe out the house to get your morning started before breakfast. 

Watering and harvesting took longer than usual. The fruit trees hung low and groaned under the weight of their labor. The peaches looked exceptional this harvest too. You pick them, making a mental note to preserve some for Evelyn and Abigail then sell the rest to Pierre. After the harvesting and several trips to the storage shed you go to check on all your babies. 

Several new chickens had hatched overnight too. Three brown, a white, and another void. You tuck the little black chick into your hoodie and give it a smooch. As useless as their eggs were for eating you always had a soft spot for these tiny goth chickens. Taking it to the coop you had specially built for your void-born feathered friends you deposit the little one amongst its brethren. It peeps in thanks before waddling off to peck at the fresh feed.

Morning chores done, you jog back to your house hoping your casserole hasn't burned. The house smelled of spiced ham and fresh garlic when you reentered. The rest of the windows open to let in the river breeze and faint scent of your flower patches. The fireplace roared in its corner, chasing away the frosty nip that clung to your cheeks. “Shane?” You follow the noise from the mudroom to the kitchen entrance. 

“Ye?” He poked his head around the corner. Warm brown eyes blink at you blearily. The corners of which were still crusted over with sleep. He must have just rolled out of bed. “Morin’.” He yawns widely scratching at his rumpled old gridball hoodie. Exchanging a brief morning breath laden kiss you smooth down a few of his more wild strands of bed head. 

“Thought you were taking the day off?” Your lips touch again, pulling a happy little hum from him. 

“I am. Just thought I would finish making breakfast so you could put your feet up faster. Plus, I think I finally figured out your ham recipes.” He drags you to your favorite spot at the breakfast nook before going back to the oven. “It’s the clove to cinnamon ratio ain’t it? Too much of either distract from the flavor of the fat.” 

You nod in approval at his deduction. He pours you another cup of coffee, his hand shakes on the carafe handle. He was jittery today. Whether it was his anxiety spiking or just the jitter after a decent night of sleep you don’t know. But he’ll tell you when ready. He catches you staring when he turns back with two steaming plates of your eggs and veggie casserole and a thick slice of ham. “Tell me what you think.” 

“I’m sure it's fabulous. Gus better watch out or there will be a new chef in town.” Shane practically glows at your praise watching you like a hawk as you eat. You inhale it, the morning exercises catching up with you. He lets you eat in silence, his previous twitchiness evaporating into a nervous silence. “Everything good?” You ask in between bites. You hated to pry or push but sometimes he needed a little nudge to get talking. 

Shane stares into empty space above your head worrying his low lip. His fluffy brows dipping low. “Shit-ye- I got something to talk to you about.” He rose then, shuffling off to your shared bedroom. You exchange a worried look with Salem. He whined low in his throat then followed Shane. Since Shane had moved in Salem had stuck to him like glue. It tickled you, as he was not the friendliest dog to people that took your attention away from him. But, with Shane, he found a couch companion and a late-night walking pal. It worked out great for Shane’s mood and recovery. 

Your boyfriend reappeared with a black binder and several stacks of paper. He places them in front of you. “I’ve been thinking over what you’ve said.” He stuffs his hands in his hoodie pockets burrowing himself deeper into the thinning fabric. “Between you and Harvey I-I want to have a go at it.” His eyes are downcast in shame. You riffle through the brochures. 

Brentforest Care Facilities 

“It’s a three-month inpatient care program. Harvey helped me set up the initial psych evaluation and has vetted for it. He’s got some friends that work there too. He-we think it would be good to work on a few hold-ups I’m having.” His stomach turns sour at the downward tug of your lips when you see the zero’s on the page. “Marnie is helping me cover the cost, an’ after the first few weeks I’m even allowed guests.” He pitters out, the overwhelming need to fill the dead air as you read disappeared as quickly as it had come. 

“You got it all sorted out huh?” You look up from the documents. Shane nods. You look back at the books, then him. He forces himself to breathe through his nose. This is it. This was the last straw, it had to be. He couldn’t blame you though- he wasn’t worth the effort. 

No-nope. Not starting this again. He fought with himself shaking the thoughts right out of his head. He trusted you. Dr. Martina trusted you. You were there during the worst of his withdrawal symptoms. The fevers, and shakes; you never flinched from his unwarranted shouting and irritability either. How many sleepless nights had you spent comforting him as he wept over things he wasn’t ready to talk about. You had gone through a lot with him and still was. You wanted to see him healthy. This was just another step. 

“Dr. Martina- my therapist- and I have been working on this for a bit. I just need a few more signatures and to make the initial payment. Then- then I’m good.” He raises his eyes to meet yours, pushing the fear he felt further down in his chest. 

His arms were suddenly filled with you. Your warm body flush with his. Soft skin and fresh windswept hair flooding his senses with your hug. “I’m so proud of you.” You mutter into his jacket. Farm callus fingers grip him close inviting him to hug you back. Shane let out a shaky breath he hadn’t even known he was hiding and reciprocated. He held you close and rocked you both side to side. “What do you need me to do?”

“Mmm?” He pulled you away from his neck. You loved burrowing your face there for some reason. Months ago he had hated when you did that. He always thought he smelt of stale sweat and the recycled air of the JoJo Mart. It had clung to every part of him for years. Hardly attractive by anyone's standards. But now, working out in the coops and fields alongside volunteering at the Community Center, it had all but disappeared. Now you swore he smelled like earth and like the pine trees that grew around your house. You had even admitted his sweat smells better too. Perhaps his alcohol sweats were finally lifting. Or maybe it was the better diet you made him eat. 

“What do you need of me?” You kiss his scruffy cheek. Eyes alight with determination and affection. 

He returns your kiss with a light peck of his own. “A few signatures- to show you can visit. An’ if there was an emergency you would be a contact. If-if that’s ok with you?” He asks.

“As if you had to ask.” You beam putting your forehead to his. “I’ll miss you.” You whisper between feather light kisses.  

Shane sighs in utter relief around your coffee scented lips. “Promise to write?” He asks cupping your cheeks to rub his thumbs over the sun kissed skin. “And feed Charlie too?” You laugh, nose scrunching up in delight at his joke.

You seal the deal with a kiss. 

[sabineelectricheart]

Not Guilt, Or Sadness, Or Anger

Summary: Alex felt awful when he made the farmer down the road upset.

Rating: K+ - Suitable for more mature childen, 9 years and older, with minor action violence without serious injury. May contain mild coarse language. Should not contain any adult themes.

Words: 1000

Notes: I mean, it’s not fluffy. It’s angsty. But it’s cute? Idk, read and tell me if you liked it.

Alex felt awful when he made the farmer down the road upset. He should know, he makes her upset with him plenty of times a week. He does it so often he wonders why she still talks to him after all this time.

Does she enjoy the pain? Does she have an unknown interest in him? Is his grandmother pressuring or bribing the girl in some way?

The tall man could recognize that he felt bad whenever she felt bad, but he refused to admit that it was an empathy thing. He feels no empathy, it is a stupid feeling that has no place in the heart of someone like him.

If it was an empathy thing then how he was supposed to understand how it felt to spend most of his days surrounded by so many people who were incapable of empathy? If he, himself, was a very empathetic person, that would hurt and confuse him, but it did not. It stands to reason, then, that he was not an empathetic person, that was not the case at all.

So no, he did not have empathy for Estella, and he will insist on this point. Yet, he still knew when he upset her.

Sometimes he knew when he upset her, that is. If Alex was to ballpark, he would say that he knew when he upset her about 50% of the time, but he could not get the percentage any more precise because about 50% the time he did not know when he upset her. How can he go about fixing something he does not know it had been broken?

Alex is a simple man. He knows he is not the brightest, he knows he is not bright at all. Whenever he tried to read, the letters jumped from the pages and jumbled into an incomprehensible mess, so eventually he gave up trying. He gave up trying to read, and to study, and to learn. He understands one thing and one thing only, and that was gridball, but in gridball, there was no space for feelings, and so he was not too confident in his ability when it comes to that.

Besides, Estella seemed such a strange person. She smiles when she is sad and cries when she is happy. In a town where everybody has such strict schedules and duties, she had the habit to pop up unexpectedly and work as she pleases, with no regard to the hours and seasons. He knows he is not the only one who does not understand her, but he doubts anyone else feels ill-at-ease whenever her placid expression falters just a little bit when they are dismissive of her.

Or perhaps no-one is as harsh as he is. He knows his grandmother had been very accommodating of Estella’s eccentricities, for one, and the shopkeepers tend to look the other way when it comes to their biggest costumer, but still. His concern, to put it that way, comes from the heart. He just wonders from where exactly that is.

No, no one is as harsh as he is. Some are entitled, some are standoffish, and some are downright mean, but he has a certain talent, he does not know if it is innate or learnt behaviour, he has a certain talent to pick up on people’s weakest points and go to town on them. Some people, those who have to love him, came to tolerate that trait, others pay their respects out of fear to have his tongue and his arm thrown against them, and others despise it and keep their distance.

Again, Estella does not do any of it. Why?

When he realized he made her feel bad, he felt bad. If he recognized that he gave her a negative emotion then he got this feeling that was probably close to guilt, but that word for it never satisfied him. Regardless, the feeling he got when he hurt Estella was bad. It was a specific, as of yet unnamed feeling that was unpleasant to say the least, and it always returned every time he hurt her.

The same feeling. It was not guilt, or sadness, or anger. It was not anything that he had a name for. He does not know how to describe it, and he does not feel really all that comfortable in discussing it, so he never tried to find someone or something that could help him understand it.

He did not want to describe it as an emotion or a feeling, those are for the weak and the pussies, and he was neither of those things. He was strong and capable, and so he was above the influence of such things, he had control over himself, and was proud of it.

Instead of a feeling, Alex was more comfortable defining it as a sensation he perceived. An alert, like the dull pain he felt whenever he was overdoing with the exercising. He had stepped out of the line, and he should not have, and now he had to undo what he did, he had to return to what had been before, to a time when he was not alerted.

Whatever it was, it was awful, and he hated it when he got it. He wanted to fix it, he wanted it gone, but he did not know how to do that. Because he did not know what it is. Because he often did not know what on Earth he had done to cause hurt in the first place.

Alex hated the as of yet unidentified word he experienced, and he only experienced it when he hurt Estella's feelings, so he assumes that is caused, somehow, by that behaviour, even if he does not really know what comes after that dull pain. It was just a single cause with a single effect. He hated the sensation that he got when he hurt Estella, so the end result made some sense to him.

He hated when he hurt Estella.

*_*_*_*_*

Stardew Valley Masterlist

[thedappleddragon]

omg today seemed SO LONG

we all had to wake up early to visit grandparents, so my sister woke me up at like 8 but I went back to sleep. in my dream I was part of the theater program or something, and I started shaving my head. I realized too late that if I had started on the sides, I could have a cool undercut so I said “ok lets try that again ill be right back guys” and quit the game without saving. the second part of my dream took place at school in a classroom for bring your parents to school day or something. my lovely asian mom and dad were very polite, but suddenly my dad turned to me and said “run. run away immediately as fast as you can, dont bother putting your cup down just go” and I ran out the door. my shoes were covered in pink and green pain, and the floor was checkered pink and green so I had to step on the right colors so they couldn’t track my footprints. I had to find a bathroom to be my new home so they couldn't find me, but I took a wrong turn and ended up in the maze of a counselor’s office. I knew they all saw me so I ran into the library but my principal was right beside me. idk what happened next, other than m sister waking me up and recounting the events of the dream to myself.  ooh I forgot to mention yesterday but I made a dumb tiktok with my fursuit and it’s giving A LOT MORE TRACTION THAN I ANTICIPATED. it’s fast approaching 6000 views, 1400 likes, and a handful of comments. so far still no hate comments tho. and I gained just. way too many followers. anyway I split a bagel with my brother for breakfast before we left, and we spent over an hour at my grandparents’ house. my oldest brother and his girlfriend left to quickly visit a friend and then get ready to drive back to Michigan before flying out tomorrow back to Washington, so we waved goodbye and went out separate ways. I helped my mom get gas and 5 guys while my brother drove my sister to work, and we ate together and talked for a bit. he had a little work to do and an online meeting to attend so I played started valley until he was done. we hung out for a moment making awkward conversation because we both have different flavors of diet autism, but he had stuff to do and a book to read so I played stardew again and watched tiktoks until it was time to pick up my sister from work. then he talked too loud in the car about smart things I dont understand but also neutodiverse stuff I did understand and talked about shitty people at my sister's work until we got home. we hung out for a bit until he had to get ready to leave so he could get back to college in time to sleep for classes tomorrow, so we hugged him goodbye. I played stardew again, making good progress in skull cavern with less stress this time. I got down past floor 50! wow! I only got like 15 iridium tho, even on a good luck day. oh well. I took a break in the middle to eat and watch a little tv with my dad before he hit the hay. I want to play more, but I also want to go to bed early after getting up so early this morning and I dont want my eyes to start hurting from too much screen time and concentration. also I'd probably end up hurting my back or neck. so yeah it can't just wait until tomorrow lol. my friend asked if I was taking commission on crocheted stuffed animals, which made me feel pretty dang confident :) I wasn't sure how much to charge, but I saw a tiktok about a crocheter selling her work for one cent per stitch, and I thought “that sounds reasonable I guess?” so I counted up how many stitches the pattern called for and it was only $18 and som change. for some reason I was bumping up the worth in my head to like double that oops :x so I rounded up and offered $20 and they sad yes. tbh I wonder if I should have asked for more? but ya know what, whatever. friend discount. I dont have a job or spend money so I have no sense for monetary worth oops. I’M SO DETACHED FROM SOCIETY I’M SORRY WSEDFGHJB I just want to go back to talking to people every day... my friends dont have nearly enough zoom calls........... ;-; whatever I guess I'll try to go to bed now. good night mwah <3 

[chimcharstar]

I ASK EVERYTHING FROM ANGEL TO WOBBLY

COMING RIGHT UP

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

G!

awe; how old are you?

21

baby; favorite color?

purple

bloop; spirit animal?

i know what youre trying to do bug

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

my favourite movie today is always be my maybe. do yourself a favor and watch keanu reeves act his heart out

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

lucky, a little white tiger. i still have her.

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

maybe my mom making me tea or something. ow ow nostalgia

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

YEAH

buttercup; showers or baths?

showers

butterfly; dream destination?

maybe ... the countryside, but one i havent been to before?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

yes, very. while feeling at war with it all the time cause of the gay angst. but lbr. i prayed for some coffee and i got some. i also pray when some real shit is happening. its just my nature. i have a very strong intuition when im not panicking. TOO BAD MY PARENTS DISHED OUT TONS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE I CANT REALLY HEAL FROM

calm; favorite scent?

this candle that has vanilla in it. i like the smell of vanilla because it smells sweet and im like. !!!! kindness!!!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i dreamed my siblings were all bickering and blaming each other endlessly and saying cruel things, and i was trying to tell them to stop but my voice was hoarse and no one could hear me. the voice part makes more sense when you consider i lost my voice talking lots at the Job and ive been Way too worried about it and its also a Passing thing

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes... overrated

cozy; eye/hair color?

red hair green eyes

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the afternoon when i can take a walk with some coffee and music or, faceplant on my bed and fall asleep on the spot and then wake up feeling very well napped

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

i really like bonsais. or ... whatever type of bonsai i keep buying. they grow fast so you can notice their progress, they can survive bad mental health weeks, and you can shape them, they kind of grow with you

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i .... forget a lot. i forget these kinds of things. i hope it doesnt mean it didnt matter to me. i remember being really lonely on my last birthday and pretending not to be and then crying to my diary that no one is allowed to read

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

any bonsai, any jacket, thats my soul. or my phone lol

cutsie; what makes you happy?

people saying small nice things

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

just the other day when i was starting to play stardew valley again and i had some tea i think... 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to have been Known as more than just shy and polite

daylight; favorite album of all time?

idk of all time, but say you will by fleetwood mac FUCKS, i will destroy my ears on public transit with that

dear; zodiac sign?

sagittarius

delightful; concerts or museums?

?????? N/A unfortunately

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes, i have written all sorts of letters, not snail mail but yknow... that is my jam. i have used it for good and evil

dobby; dream job?

writer of , books or screenplays or something

doll; how do you like to dress?

behold my array of gay jackets. hoods... gay layers... with some flowers. i have some shit with flowers on it. an old man complimented me on a train once. because im amazing

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

my roommates say theres a ghost dude downstairs but ive never seen him. not really actually.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

no, and ive thought about a tattoo but im like... i cant imagine picking a decoration and then being satisfied with it for the rest of my life, and being so... open like that, i change my mind and worry too much...

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

yes bitch. theres water on mars im sitting here patiently

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

the demigirl reading this

fairy; do you have a pet?

no :(

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

mountain... no ocean.. im feeling ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop?

i havent felt like that in a looong time. maybe this one place with streams, when its raining really heavily and everythings Gushing

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

i have kept... 5 bonsais alive for a while.

garden; how many languages do you know?

one. with some rocky french that makes me ACTUALLY want to learn french, and then frustratingly be on the brink of speaking french

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

i cant find the name right now but they make this pixel art and put sentences that are kinda so gentle and pining... i love it

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

homemade coffee in a messy kitchen with some sun coming in, youre kind of sleepy

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes!!! i wanna talk!!!!!

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

ok... i know how to be Respectful, im a strong person, im good with self-expression, i like my voice... AND IM CUTE

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee, so much sugar and a bit of scream.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

BIRD WATCHING. because watching people can get awkward real fast, and birds dont give a fuck. birds are fat little boys jumpin around. they dont worry about their jobs. i respect that. 

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Harmonious People Noises. i dont actually listen to sounds going to sleep when maybe i should. because of how i grew up im fine listening to music or people playing instruments falling asleep, even with the light on

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

that part of autumn where its colourful and not too cold not too hot, and sun everywhere

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

i do stuff like take walks and do a few errands and water plants... and just chill and enjoy not having pressing stuff to do. 

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i am a serious giggler but i recently got a booming laugh, or it sounds like that to me

kinky; do you blush easily?

no. apparently not. but sometimes i feel my face heat up and then im really, really counting on it that that doesnt mean im blushing because its at the worst possible times to blush

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

SOULMATE... SOMEONE I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO...

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

i feel like i already answered this but ill pick a different time. evening is nice because im a night owl and i focus better and i can relax and do whatever

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

fleetwood mac and bLAST it on public transit

love; what is your favorite season and why?

autumn, because pretty, haloween

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i dont know about macaron but that cookie dough ice cream is some good

magic; what are five flaws you have?

overthinking, clinging to comfort zone, procrastinating, isolating, either i dont stand up for myself or i do it too harshly

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

they all sound so lovely im feeling warm neutrals rn

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

emotional labour, similar energy level

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE and there has to be food

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

doing THIS... all my free time... is basically by myself

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

you dont have to be useful to be valuable. you deserve love just because you exist, and even if you feel strongly that everything sucks, that could be your comfort zone talking. im having a mental health week

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook. id bake but then i eat stuff that doesnt make my stomach as happy

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

oh its GORGEOUS. i have been practising my handwriting in my Diary for Months.

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

yes, piano mostly... ive been feeling Urges to play guitar lately that have surprised me

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

doing something restful/mentally restoring like taking a break or talking calming things to myself

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

LOVE THAT ZUCCHINI...F RY THAT BITCH WITH GARLIC AND ONION...

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

i have not read a book

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

realizing im trans

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

ill think of a nice one, moving away from my parents, theres been so much healing

shine; art or music?

MUSIC

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

yes

smitten; do you collect anything?

bonsais?? 

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

chocolate, any,

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

phone camera, ithas all these cool filters and things it can do, it says my plants are food

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

occasionally. its mostly the black tourmaline bracelet

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset, that is the beautifulest

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with headphones. i just ... maybe this is a growing up thing but i cant imagine Taking Up Space playing my music out loud... then other people can judge my music choice... theyd Know things about me... 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

save ums. i have this answer ready to go. that is because after five i stopped having a tv

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

my rooooooommmmmmmmmm my BED

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital? what is this about?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my sister. she always says i never hang out but ... she doesnt seem interested in things i actually like... she tries and she cares but...

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyal, honest

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical, i just cant focus on aesthetic because then i get way too picky with eeeverything

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

NO, unless i am on tumblr where there are no Laws. or it depends on how easy the person is to talk to.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

yes, yes but NOT RIGHT NOW, i think kids are really Good, theyre simple and honest

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

i look up to the Bosses at my work, i mean they seem like they try really hard and do a good job and they have to lead everyone else too i respect that

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

the emotional intelligence dial. it is maybe too far. but im realizing that isnt so common.

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

i hope, at least the kind i would want. probably very energetic, with negative or positive stuff

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

another person at work called me by my last name. i find this funny because 1) it sounds funny to just shout 2) why are they all so fascinated with it .... yknow its because they wanted it to see if it was ramsay. did they seriously think. bunch of cooking nerds. is this their new power move.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

niGHT OWL

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

shapeshifting

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home, but i would enjoy going out with the right people i think. which has never happened.

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

yes, and no. my heart is set on being Out in the Nature though. i dont know if i can really really go back to where i grew up. theres so many complicated and painful feelings around it, and im not really welcome. 3

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes, i wish on all kinds of stuff all the time

[not-poignant]

This might be a little personal but do you have any tips on how to deal with bad days? I've been struggling with depressive episodes lately being so tired I can't get shit done.

Hiya anon,

Depressive episodes area the worst. I don’t know if I have any real tips, since the thing that helped me most with my depressive episodes were an effective anti-depressant (and I struggled for like 20 years for one of those, since most anti-depressants are ineffective when I take them). And then therapy. And obviously both of those things aren’t actually possible to access for everyone. (And caveat that if you’re feeling suicidal in an actionable way, please call a helpline / hospital or similar, because you shouldn’t have to deal with that level of anguish alone and without professionals).

(Content warning for under the read more: aside from frank discussion of depression and suicidal ideation, I also mention self-harm briefly).

Otherwise... idk, I’ve actually been doing a Chronic Conditions management course lately, over the past few months. And it’s been pretty helpful when looking at the psychological effects of living with chronic illnesses (basically people who have chronic illnesses are way more likely to have anxiety and/or depression, but obviously trying to deal with either of those things when you have chronic illnesses in the first place is really hard).

One of the things I found really interesting, were the underarousal/overarousal cycle, which none of my doctors had ever taught me about before. Underarousal, which leads to depression and depressive episodes is a self fulfilling cycle. Meaning that, if you don’t gently do the opposite of ‘nothing’ you will eventually just get worse and worse. It doesn’t tend to just go away on its own.

However most people think the opposite of nothing is like... too much. Even if they plan for nice things, it’s still too much.

This course has been pretty clear that you have to start small, like... try and do a pleasurable thing a day. That pleasurable thing could be making a cup of tea. That’s it. Not like, writing a book, or making music, or whatever. Just...make some tea. Or coffee. Get up and boil a kettle and put some stuff in it and go lie down again and sip at it and focus on its warmth in your hands and the way it tastes and how it feels to know you did that for yourself. Just...try and do a pleasurable thing every day. It doesn’t even have to feel pleasurable in the moment, it just has to be something that you would have experienced as pleasurable pre-depression.

And if you’re feeling especially daring, try three pleasurable things a day. A whole three!

Anyway, this is just one method of a thousand, but what was most radical to me about it, was that these professors and so forth who are running the course made sure that in an underarousal/depressive cycle, the emphasis is on pleasurable activities and not just ‘activities’ (they do suggest light physical activity at some point, but reiterate over and over again that too many people tend to do too much too soon, and the most important thing is to start little, and to be as consistent as possible, and also patient with yourself when it’s not consistent and to keep trying).

The other thing they suggest is a list of pleasurable things for good days, and a list of pleasurable things for bad days (that shouldn’t have been as shocking to me as it is, but I’d never actually considered this before). So on good days, writing 1000 words, making a playlist, going for a walk, all things I can manage. On bad days, none of them are: but I can probably make a single cup of tea, I might be able to shower, and there’s a chance I can sit outside with an apple and eat it. And telling myself I’m doing these things to help myself feel better again, is actually way more helpful than just making myself a cup of tea mindlessly and not thinking about it.

I mean you don’t feel like doing anything, anon, I feel that, but you took the time to write this message. That’s a big deal. Tbh, it’s one of the things that would count as a valid ‘activity’ in this course. And it would count as a big thing, and not a small one.

As for me, idk, I have like... a vague list of things I like to do when I’m depressed, or things are bad. And also a list of things I try not to indulge. My list might not help you, but I do know that...trying to stick to a regular sleep schedule for me was important, because I have quite severe hypersomnia alternating with insomnia, meaning I can sleep a lot all the time, and then not at all, all the time. And it fucks me up. So now I try and wake up at 9.00am every morning regardless, and then nap once in the afternoon (my chronic illnesses won’t let me stay awake for a while day). Scheduling the nap helps because it gives me something to look forward to if I’m having a ‘tired day.’

Other things are like...trying to get out of my head a bit. I do some OBOD study (Druidry study) because researching about magic and nature sometimes gives me tiny bursts of energy that allow me to think ‘maybe life isn’t so bad’ (i.e. that’s what I do with that tiny burst of energy but sometimes that’s enough lol). I might do some art. I play Stardew Valley a lot - when I wore a Fitbit, that game was the only thing guaranteed to drop my heartrate down by about a consistent 15-20 beats per minute. So it relaxes me and still engages my brain.

Also, for me now, I’m...trying to become more zen about the fact that depression and illness take time. That fixing them is not about a single event you do that feels good, but about hundreds of those events over time. And about maintaining them during the good times. And that’s really hard. I got really close last year to doing some really stupid things to myself (and I already self-harm, so I’m not including that) and coming out of that sort of changed me and the way I think about myself, since I’d always identified strongly as like ‘a person with PTSD’ and that was the first time it was like no, I’m a person with PTSD who has major depressive episodes that need separate, emergency treatment.

Since then, I’ve kind of felt lucky to both a) be alive and b) keep trying to find small things to keep me going (and a year later, feel tentatively strong enough to start ‘scheduled’ work again). I now try and think of it this way: a bad day isn’t actually a bad thing. It’s a normal product of my illness. That’s all it is. I can attach the word ‘bad’ to it and somehow feel guilty I ‘didn’t do enough’ but that’s as absurd and irrational as a person with damaged lungs feeling guilty that their good days didn’t heal their damaged lungs. No, my brain will always be broken, to a point, even with chemical help. My ‘energy’ or ‘good mental health’ days will not heal my brain chemistry. So...now I call them ‘tired days’ or ‘sad days.’ Or I’m trying to, I forget all the time.

Tired days aren’t bad, they’re just there. The most important thing I can do is try not to let them run roughly over my routines, and destroy everything I’ve set up for myself to survive in the first place. So you know - a list of things I can maybe manage on tired days. A care plan. People I can contact (even though I probably won’t). Reminding myself gently that it says nothing about my worth as a person even as I feel I have no worth as a person, even that, itself, is just part of the ‘bad day.’ It’s a symptom of my illness. And then also putting in place a list of things to do for yourself on good days, and I don’t mean like ‘shopping’ or whatever (though those things are important) ->

I mean...if you don’t have energy to maintain your self-worth on the worst days, make a point of spending about 5-10 minutes maintaining your self-worth on the good days, when you have more energy to sustain it. On the good days, take some minutes here and there to look at your care plan, your support network, and see what you might be able to use on the worst days, and what you know you can’t. the worst time to be doing it - that’s the time when I already needed it there to lean on. Like, it will always help more to do that hard work mentally on the days when you have the energy to put things in place for yourself.

And those things might sound easy or simple to people who don’t have depressive episodes and find it easy to snap themselves out of it by like, idk, listening to a cheerful song or something, but anyone who has them knows how hard it is to put these things in place. And I have so much sympathy for that. I wish I could box up some energy and self-care and hope and give it to you anon. The only way I know through this is the slow and steady and not very linear way. Time has helped a lot, and a philosophy of ‘gentleness’ alongside ‘gentle structure.’ (I.e. my alarm in the morning to get me up, but also the gentleness to let myself sleep in 20 minutes).

But something I do know, that gives me hope, is that even with all of this going on, anon, you reached out to someone. You’re still trying on your bad days. You did at least one ‘activity’ that was designed to help you. And that is the very thing - with time, and accumulative effects - that will help you with your depressive episode. It just...unfortunately in the moment, doesn’t lift a person out of a bad day. I wish I did. I mean I really wish it did.

Yeah, I wish I had better answers? Ultimately depression is a whole lot of suffering and almost no energy to deal with that suffering, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I have faith in you, anon. *offers hugs and a blanket fort*