#idk it stresses me out so bad please stop feeding me treats i want to be sexy

[pussyvulture]

nothin says happy holidays like binge eating and body dysmorphia <3

[savrenim]

okay so looking at tma fic in general and tma time-travel fic and the various ways they decide to resolve things has given me an idea for a time travel fix-it fic premise that, like, I almost certainly will never write because way too many writing projects but it is Haunting me so I need to blab about it somewhere 

so clearly the way that the ‘time travel’ / ‘knowledge of the future’ bit works is that Jon stumbles across a book that he assumes is a Leitner but then there’s no name in the front cover so he opens it proper and oooh this is weird but it’s too late the compulsion has set hold and and reads it, oops

the experience of reading it is the experience of fuck-it-feels-like living the entire timeline of the show up through the end of episode 160

(actually all the way through When Jon Finally Dies if he ever does but the important bit is he gets that knowledge of the timeline)

(the book is channeling the power of the Ceaseless Watcher, it’s all about knowledge, although very specifically in my brain this book is something that future!Jon and future!Martin constructed and sent back, which still tracks because hey Archivist is an Avatar of the Watcher. it’s just important to me that this is active action as an attempt to prevent the apocalypse and not dumb luck)

so Jonathan Sims now knows his future and because I have strong opinions about memory/ personality/ what makes a person, has arguably just been replaced with his future self.

‘oh fuck’ Jon says 

‘I ended the world so I gotta fix this’

but how does he fix this, because oops Elias is still stupidly powerful and is going to notice if anything is up so he can’t act weird 

but he can’t bring anyone else in on this because he doesn’t want to Curse Them with such Angsty Knowledge 

he is acting a little bit weird, Martin notices that he’s acting weird because he is now being nice to Martin 

‘this cannot be how the universe exists, Jon is always mean to me,’ Martin goes. ‘like I want the universe to exist this way but Something Is Up With Jon and it would be selfish of me not to investigate just because Jon is actually being nice to me’

Martin stumbles across the book and reads it too

‘oh fuck’ Martin says and immediately goes and talks to Jon and Jon has terrible selfish mixed feelings because he missed his Martin but also didn’t want Martin to have to go through everything he went through but also now Jon is not alone in trying to figure out how to alter this timeline without Elias noticing 

(’wait what gave me away,’ Jon goes)

(’you were being nice to me,’ Martin goes)

(’fuck I really do need to be meaner to everyone don’t I,’ Jon goes. ‘it’s just really hard I’ve had Character Growth and I don’t want to be an asshole again’)

(’well suck it up you’re going to blow our cover,’ Martin goes. ‘maybe you should have thought of that before Being An Asshole.’ he immediately feels bad at Jon’s Very Sad Face. ‘you weren’t actually that much of an asshole you were just under stress and prickly and didn’t realize that the people you weren’t appreciating could be people that you would lose and now you do and that’s fine but you gotta still treat them like you’re an Asshole.’)

(’fine,’ Jon goes.)

so now they’re trying to figure out how to stop Elias 

but also their main priority is to stop Tim and Sasha from dying at this point and they kind of figure that Elias doesn’t know the timeline and as long as he’s getting what he wants which is naive Jon stumbling through interactions with Entities and getting marked but not killed, he won’t suspect anything, and he doesn’t know Tim and Sasha are going to die so that at least is something immediate they can fix 

‘I want to murder Jonah,’ goes Martin 

‘you are super valid but also Gertrude tried that and was 1000% more badass than any of us and she ended up dead so maybe we should concentrate on saving our friends like we’ve got a few years to figure out how to do that,’ goes Jon 

‘fine,’ goes Martin 

Tim and Sasha notice that something is up, OBVIOUSLY, because Jon was weird-nice for like a week and a half then is weird-mean like he’s actually trying to be mean and hates it, and has gone from brushing off Martin all the time to pretending to brush Martin off but obviously secretly pining 

he also gives off feral apocalypse energy

Martin meanwhile is pulling this all off perfectly 

he fooled Elias and Peter and everyone else back when he was faking out the Lonely, he can handle this

Elias does notice Jon acting weird and thinks this is a soap opera workplace romance gone wrong but because he hasn’t seen all of it as Jon and Martin have been very careful to be using Martin’s Lonely powers when they want to Actually Talk and make it look like they’ve just casually wandered off when Elias isn’t paying attention to them so Elias doesn’t actually look like anything is up, he calls Jon in for a ‘performance review’ to make sure 

(Martin has Lonely powers and Jon has Archivist powers from the future and they can both feed off of the long terrible fears that they remember from the horrible horrible lives and deaths they and the entire world had in their own timeline, just give me this I need a plot device that can explain why they can Actually Talk to each other while not being able to use the tunnels) 

anyways Elias starts his performance review and pokes about Martin

‘um yeah,’ Jon confesses. ‘I um had a very awkward conversation with Martin because it seemed like he was being nice to me and I asked him about his feelings and he Confessed to me that he Liked me and I was caught by surprise and was thinking about it for a few days because idk nobody ever Likes me but then came to my senses and um but also it’s totally inappropriate because I’m his boss and I told him and we’re trying to forget that the conversation ever happened and just go back to concentrating on the statements’

‘you seem very nervous right now,’ Elias goes 

‘please do not report me to HR,’ Jon goes looking appropriately mortified and trying to remember everything Martin has been coaching him about lying by telling people what they want to hear. ‘I know I should have rejected him immediately it just caught my by surprise that he would actually Say It To My Face people have been saying a lot of honest things to my face it’s very weird and I know that I shouldn’t have run away from that conversation and acted Weird for a few days but I did come to the Correct Conclusion I am very devoted to this job and don’t want to do anything but this job and didn’t do anything with Martin we just had a conversation and I’m really trying to do a good job here and please don’t fire me’

‘nope you’re good that’s fine concentrate on your job,’ Elias says, quite satisfied that his Archivist is developing truth powers very quickly 

Tim and Sasha are not so easy to fool

Tim and Sasha find the book

Sasha, who worked in Artifact Storage, is Actually Smart and goes ‘dON’T READ THAT’

Tim reads it anyways

‘oh fuck I die stopping the apocalypse’ 

Tim doesn’t seem to die from reading the book and doesn’t seem to change except for being given this foreknowledge but Sasha is Smart so she doesn’t read it. Tim does fill her in on her future.

‘oh fuck I die when a weird worm-lady attacks? and don’t even get to help with the apocalypse? that’s bullshit.’

they start their own little huddle conspiracy 

which Martin immediately finds

‘nO YOU GUYS YOU GOTTA BE MORE CAREFUL TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF’ Martin explains the future and methods of communicating without Elias watching, which is mostly him subtly hiding them in the Lonely

(’why do you and Jon have secret special powers that’s not fair,’ Tim goes)

(’because we went through literal hell??? and also didn’t die??? idk maybe if we keep you from dying you will also get special powers but seriously Tim they are very evil these are Evil Powers we don’t want them they just kind of happened to us in the process of trying to survive,’ Martin goes.)

‘so what is the plan,’ Sasha goes. ‘like besides us not dying how are you actually going to deal with the real apocalypse’ 

‘well we want to kill Elias but we haven’t figured that out yet because he’s watching our every move perfectly and if we’re not acting like he think we should act he’ll dispose of us and start again with a new Archivist,’ Martin goes. 

‘okay but like in your story there is a part where Peter Lukas personally escorts you to the panopticon and tells you to kill Elias/Jonas and you go no and Elias wins the bet,’ Sasha says. ‘what if you just murder him then, he says he wasn’t going to stop you and if he tries you’ve got another Avatar backing you up’

‘huh we didn’t think of that,’ Martin goes. ‘why didn’t we think of that. I swear there is a Very Good Reason we didn’t think of that. um. uh. there’s also the problem anyone working in the Archives will die if he dies unless they are powerfully enough connected the Ceaseless Watcher which is like. MAYBE Jon.’

‘W H Y did you not lead with that,’ Tim goes

‘yeah I really agree you should have led with that,’ Sasha goes 

‘this has been a very stressful time and we have been doing our best and right also everyone can quit they just need to blind themselves to do it,’ Martin goes. ‘or I guess pledge allegiance to a different evil god but that is really unpleasant you have to sacrifice fear to it or you starve’

(’okay why did you not lead with--’ Sasha goes. ‘I’m starting to really see some benefits for being an evil fear-monster,’ Tim goes. ‘Like we could be ethical evil fear-monsters. like ethical vampires. only scare really shitty terrible people who deserve it and, like, scare but not kill.’)

(Martin looks like he is about to cry.)

(’okay maybe not p l e a s e stop making that face I cannot stand your puppy-dog-but-also-on-the-verge-of-tears eyes,’ Tim goes)

(Sasha stops death-glaring at him as Martin looks slightly less like he is about to cry.)

‘so everyone loves rituals what if we, like. construct a secret ritual. that you’re saying Jon is dumb powerful chosen one Avatar right so let’s just, like. switch over being the ‘Heart of the Institute’ from Jonah to him. big proper paperwork ritual passing on of ownership claiming his position as Jonah’s heir or something,’ Sasha says 

‘that seems like just the sort of bullshit that might actually work. Sasha you are the smartest person in the world and I’m pretty sure the apocalypse wouldn’t have happened if you had survived the Prentiss attack,’ Martin says 

‘actually honestly Gertrude wanted you as her replacement that sounds very true and is probably why Elias didn’t choose you,’ Jon says. he has entered the room at this point as he was curious where literally all of his assistants had wandered off to. he does actually have work to get done the Archives are A Mess and Martin has been gone at this point for far longer than it takes to Make Tea so he figured something might be up and if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s finding Martin in the Lonely

‘real rude to not let us in on this,’ Tim goes. ‘also are you SURE this is not a weird Leitner fucking with you’

‘we’ve obsessively kept track of the things that are supposed to be happening and they’re all happening on the right days and stuff,’ Jon goes. 

‘okay so let’s stop like two apocalypses and not die,’ Sasha goes. 

the rest of the fic is everyone subtly not-so-subtly trying to recreate the exact timeline while also making events Less Terrible while also trying to seem Not Too Competent 

because this is a fic there’s gotta be adorable ridiculous fluff so everyone decides that the Cover Story in case Elias thinks people are acting weird has got to be Jon and Martin starting to secretly date 

(Jon and Martin are in absolute h e l l over this and it is a hilarious comedy of errors because they didn’t tell everyone else that they got together they both decided that was too private so everyone else is aggressively trying to actually matchmake them through this all and they’re now too embarrassed to drop the act because Sasha has been giving them hell every time they have accidentally withheld information from her so it’s like. three layers of fake dating.) 

(Elias decides all this drama is simultaneously the funniest thing he’s ever seen but also kind of a Bad Distraction and is subtly trying to break them up but doesn’t want to mess with things too much because he is Very Impressed with all the ‘progress’ Jon is making)

(Jon who is a complete badass and is mostly desperately attempting not to reveal all his powers)

(there are also a lot of different things that can go various ways. like do Basira and Melaine still join the Institute? I think they all read the book and make Informed Decisions about their futures but I have not decided yet what those Informed Decisions are. Daisy learns how to control Hunt powers without it overwhelming her, because Tim is totally right about it being possible to be an ethical fear-monster although as Jon and Martin can draw from the fear of the apocalypse-world they don’t really need it so it’s just a question of whether or not I want to give everyone else cool powers. we’re in a fix-it fic everyone gets cool powers without terrible consequences Because I Say So)

(Elias doesn’t give them trouble over this because he is delighted that he’s kind of collecting avatars of other Entities because it makes it really easy to make sure Jon has marks and he thinks this is his genius plan going even better than expected) 

we get to episode 158 

Martin really wants to dramatically kill Elias i m m e d i a t e l y but is waiting for a walkie-talkie signal that the ritual above is going as planned so he stumbles through all of the dialogue the same 

“Then do it. Kill him and help me save the world.” Peter goes 

Martin pauses in silence because oops there’s really not that much more Avoiding he can do

“No” Martin says.

Elias starts to laugh. 

The Signal Comes Through

‘fUCK YEAH,’ Martin says. ‘F I N A L L Y. I am murdering him and I’m saving the world but this isn’t for you, asshole, and Imma deal with you next.’

stabbity stab 

it’s very satisfying 

‘okay but what do you mean it’s not for me, you’re supposed to sit in the chair and help me look for the Extinction?’ Peter goes 

‘nah fuck that I’m from the future and I do what I want that was me stopping the Jonah Magnus’s final ritual,’ Martin goes. ‘you really think I fell for that Extinction bullshit you aren’t nearly as good a liar as you think you are, you stay right there and we’ll decide what to do with you when everyone gets down here it’s Jon’s Institute now and we’re both very pissed at you’

Peter tries to escape into the Lonely 

it Does Not Work as Martin has More Angst than Peter to draw from so is Way More Powerful 

everyone gets down there 

ritual worked nobody died!

‘okay but why DON’T we try to look for the Extinction.’ Sasha says. ‘that seems to be a pretty important thing to stop.’

at this point everyone agrees Sasha has the best ideas 

have I mentioned that every single female character is very gay for Sasha

quite frankly maybe Tim too

Sasha is a Badass and this fic portrays her as Gertrude Robinson’s Rightful Heir 

she Deserves Good Things

and she is Gonna Stop All Future Apocalypses so actually going through with Peter’s plan is maybe not a terrible idea 

they do the thing but in a careful way that traps no one in the chair and get the info

the Extinction is still very stoppable 

there are lots of ways but honestly the best way to do it is to manipulate humanity into actually Being Better and not being on the brink of extinction 

‘this is my Institute now let’s use it to fucking save the world,’ Jon goes 

and they use all their knowledge and power to go from being a massive conspiracy about causing the apocalypse to being a massive conspiracy about bringing kindness and preventing wars and stopping the rise of fascism in politics and poking humanity from behind the scenes into something Better that can Rise Above its fears 

and everyone lives happily ever after 

but yeah this entire fic is around the premise of ‘what if the actual fix-it isn’t Change Everything To Stop Bad Things From Happening it’s Keep Everything The Same Until We’re Handed The Opportunity To Stab Jonah On A Silver Platter And Then Take It’ which I have yet to see a fic do and oops that kind of grew away from me there but anyways that’s it that’s the fic

[03milky]

boyf! junkyu

▹𝙜𝙞𝙛𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚, 𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙬𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨 - to the owners, if you don’t feel comfortable with your gifs in this post, please send a message !!

confession

you and junkyu have known each other for a pretty long time

and had this really close relationship

and ofc ;)

he kinda developed feelings for you which he never expected to happen

junkyu always saw you like his best friend, almost siBling (im not trying to make this like some incest thing asksk)

it was just a plain normal day

where both of you would walk to school together

but the moment you walked out THAT door (which is just your house door)

hE saw you differently

he couldn’t describe it at all and junkyu was literally frozen which kinda confused you

“hello sir, is you there”

“HAHAHA yes, here i am. not shocked at all”

that day felt so different and he was pretty quiet

you just thought maybe he was feeling down and didn’t think much of it

ofc on the other side ;))

you, my hun have also a tiny crush on this dude

mOVING ON

when junkyu finally accepted he had a crush on you, he told his members which was kind of the bad decision

“i have something to tell you all- don’t be shocked. i was shocked as well but yeah, don’t be shocked”

“what iS IT”

“i like y/n. don’t come and attack me, i don’t know how this happened. next to that, i don’t just like them, i love them”

the kids would become hysterical which would make junkyu just stand there, awkwardly while he watches the other scream

“NO WAY I KNEW IT”

“IT HAS COME TRUE, I KNEW IT”

“NOW CONFESS DO IT MAN”

“i didn’t have courage to do this, now i need to have courage to confess to y/n?”

“oF COURSE”

the days followed and it was quiet whenever you were around

with a few giggles then and now

it was very confusing since you’ve known them for a while and they were never quiet unless there was something on

you ofc asked bc the silence was bothering you and making it awkward between all of you

“okay, guys. what’s going on. are you planning to attack someone or??”

obviously- jaehyuk was sitting next to you

and gave up on keeping junkyu’s crush on you a secret

“he likes you”

making everyone in the room sCream once again

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”

you sat there, bright red and same goes to junkyu

he wanted to calm everyone down by sitting down next to you and confronting you

“i like you, i really apologize if you don’t feel the same way and the behaviour of the kids”

it suddenly went quiet and you were speechless for a few minutes until you said those, 4  words, that made him happier than he already was

“i like you too”

voici the start of something beautiful

dates

hMMMMMMMM

going to arcades with this cutie would be so much fun

he’d probably keep screaming to let the stress out while playing

but 

iT’S FUN

“y/N NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

“i’m the winner, hah”

“you are the winner of this game but i won something bigger”

“please kyu”

“i won your love”

he might say cringy things but that won’t stop you from loving every moment of your dates

junkyu would be so adorable, he’d be holding your hand as the two of you walk

and closely listen whenever you’re talking

expect this cutie to also buy you tons of things even though you dont want him to buy it

“you deserve the tiniest things, like this, mini-stapler”

“are you-”

you’d be looking around the store and turn around to find him buying a stapler and gifting it to you

“here you go, present 4, there are a few more to come”

OH 

next to buying you random things, he’d love eating together with you

especially feeding you

“open your mouth up”

“kyu, you eat your choritos”

“no you need to eat too, you need it the most”

“alright, alright”

watching you eat would make his whole day thousands of time better 

“you look so cute when you eat”

he’d be also the type of boyfriend that would make compliments on everything that you do

you would be just sitting next to him

a smile would form on his face and he’d tell you that you look too cute

“why are you so cute”

“ahhh, my heart”

“you know, i could listen to you for hours and i won’t get bored”

to wrap this whole thing up, all dates with this sunshine are filled with love <3

yall listening to euphoria and writing this makes me want to cry

hugs n kisses 

le dude loves skinship

and would probably give you as much hugs as he can

hugs there n there

as u know junkyu really shows his love, when he loves a person v much

the way he treats you, it’d be ................................

very loving

i can’t even describe it

he’d be so caring, my heart aches just thinking about it

with kisses, he’d be kind of shy

and just do it when you feel comfortable, same goes to him

“you are so hugable, y/n. as soft as a teddy bear”

uwu overlOAD

“uhm so are you, kyu”

pulling away from each other would actually be pretty hard to do

since yall love each other too much

which would be probs with the help of the others

“we need wikihow”

“how to pull junkyu and y/n away”

hyunseok would literally search it up and just end up looking at both of you, helpless

“it’s something that you can’t do”

“tsk, tsk. can’t relate being so in love”

“exactly”

so everyone- you’d be hugging all day long 

which is tiring

but

that’s how it is you know

HAHAHAHAHA i cringed

bless these 2 sunshines

others

oH LA LA

veri romantico

so much kisEU

jk i’ll get my ass deleted 

sO

since your boy is an idol, it’d be pretty hard to be together

but of course when there is time to see each other, you two would meet most of the time

he’d directly pull you into a hug and tell you how much he missed you

“you can’t believe, i had a lot of fun but i really missed you, have you been doing alright?”

“of course, i’m happy you enjoyed it and i missed you a lot too”

IVE SAID THIS A LOT OF TIMES BUT

he’d remind you that he loves you a lot

“you know, y/n. i love you, more than a lot. i don’t think there is a word for it”

which

makes

my heart

ache once again 💞💓💗💖💘💕

he would make such a lovely boyfriend, je give up on this life

anyways

i’m really happy he made it into the final group and wish him a happy debut ???? idk how to word it

but i really hope that you guys enjoyed it

sorry my doods, this the end :’( i ENJOYED WRITING IT THO AKSSK

[kutekasplon]

Just A Little Sugar (1/?)

A/N: Okay, so here is the sugar daddy AU that I’ve been talking about. I would Like to thank @honeybeehanlon for betaing this chapter for me, I am so thankful for her. I hope you guys enjoy this.

Paring: Stan x Mike

Warning: It’s a sugar daddy as Idk what to tell there might be NSFW but as of now there is not. Stan is 20 and Mike is 26

Word count: 1571

Edited: Yes

Read on ao3 here

Signing up for a sugar daddy app was not how Stan saw himself spending his Friday night. Usually, he would be sitting on his couch with a glass of wine and book trying to relax, and not think about the stress of paying for college and keeping his small apartment. Working two jobs and going to school full time was strenuous. Each week it seemed that more and more assignments piled up, and Stan was becoming sleep deprived and drained. He didn’t realize how tired he was until Thursday, while he was studying at Eddie’s, or for better saying, sleeping at Eddie’s.

Eddie had left to use the bathroom, and when he walked back into his room five minutes later Stan was asleep on his with his face in the textbook. Eddie lightly tapped him on the shoulder and watched as Stan jumped from his sleep. Disoriented, he looked around, seeming to calm when he met Eddie’s eyes.

“Stan this is getting fucking ridiculous,” Eddie sighed with exasperation. His hands were on his hips and he was giving Stan a concerned look.

“What are you talking abo-,” his words were cut off by the big yawn that left his mouth.

“You really have to ask,” Eddie frowned, “Every time I see you, you look dead, and during our study sessions you spend most of the time sleeping instead of actually studying. You’re making me worried.”

“It’s nothing I can’t handle, just work,” another yawn l his mouth.

Shaking his head Eddie snorted, “That’s believable.” He groaned with sarcasm.”Is there any way that you can take off work on Thursdays?”   

“No Eddie, I have bills to pay. Missing one day throws everything off track, and I’m not in a financial situation to do that.” Stan said seriously, though his tired expression and constant yawing didn’t make his point all that convincing.

Sighing, Eddie sat down next Stan and grabbed his hand, “What if there was a way that I could help you?”

“What do you mean?” Stan asked nervously, looking between his and Eddie’s hands. The sudden serious was starting to make Stan worry.

“I mean...that maybe if you find someone to pay for your things that it might be a little easier to get things done.”

“Eddie I am way too tired to try and figure out what the fuck you are saying, stop beating around the bush and tell me,” he groaned, starting to feel more confused than before.

“I think you should find a sugar daddy.”

Stan broke out into a sudden laughter. Surely Eddie was only joking, there was no in hell that Stan was going to get a sugar daddy, he wouldn’t even know where to get one and even if he did there was no way that he would do something like that. Regaining his composure Stan looked at Eddie and noticed that he still was carrying a serious look on his face.  

“You’re joking, right?”

Eddie shook his head, “Of course not, I wouldn’t joke about something like this. I think it would really help Stan. I hate seeing you so stressed out, you can barely function. “

Stan jumped up from his spot on the bed, turning to Eddie with crossed arms, “You really think I'm so desperate to get some sleep, that I’d fuck some old man?” he was starting to feel offended. Stan knew that the two hadn’t known each other for long, but he thought that they were to a point where they respected each other.

“What? No, of course not. The oldest that people go on the app is forty-five, you wouldn’t be fucking old men. I promise. You wouldn’t be fucking anyone if you didn’t want to. A lot of the guys on the app just want someone good looking to spend their time with.” Eddie shrugged.

“There's an app, Eddie how do you know all this?”  

“Oh uh...” his cheeks warmed at the question, eyes darting to the floor. “I’m kind of a sugar baby.”

“Eddie, what the fuck?” Stan was bewildered.

“What? You know as well as anyone else that it’s hard to work and school. My mom cut me off, and it was the last thing I could think of. The guy that I’m with is actually sweet.”

“You have a sugar daddy?” Stan practically yelled, eyes wide.

Rolling his eyes, Eddie answered, “Ugh Stan yes, that is what I just said. You don't have to do it, I was thinking that it might help. If I knew you were going to lose your shit like this I wouldn't have told you.”

“Eddie, I really appreciate the idea, but I don't think I could do something like that.”

“It wouldn't hurt to try," hope was laced in Eddie's voice. "I'll send you the name of the app.”

“Okay, I'll think about it,”  gathering his things and putting everything in his backpack, “I have to go get ready for work, I'll talk to you later,” he walked back to his apartment. Opening the door he set his key down on the small table and flicked up the light switch.

Just as quickly as the light turned on it went off. Frowning, he flipped the switch up and down hoping that the light would turn on. When it didn't he sighed and tried to navigate his way through the dark, small area. He quickly found his room only managing to only bump into a few things. Feeling for the doorknob, he opened it and found his way to his bed, and laid down. He had forgotten to pay the electricity bill this week between studying and work.

Everything had been so busy that he forgot to call the electric company. His eye's started to sting with tears. Everything was becoming too much, and Stanley wasn't sure how to deal with it. Having the first two years of college paid for made his life so much easier, and now he wasn't sure how to function. Eventually, the tears started to fall, and all the stress from the last few weeks set in.

After crying for a little while Stan grabbed his phone out of his pocket and sent a message to Ben.

I'm not feeling too good, do you think you could cover my shift?- Stan

Yeah, ofc- Ben

Seeing the text, he felt relieved. Slowly, he moved from his bed to the closet to find his pajamas. Using the flashlight on his phone, Stan picked some that matched. Then, he walked to his bathroom to do his nightly routine, electricity or not there was no way Stan was going to mess that up.

~

It was almost two in the afternoon when Stan woke up. The sun was shining through his window onto his bed making it hard to keep his eye's closed. Opening them he looked around for his phone, turning it on he saw that there was a message.

Please just look at the app- Eddie

Rolling his eyes, Stan got out of bed and went to his kitchen to call the electric company. An hour later his electricity as back on. Seeing as Friday is his day off, he spent the rest of the day lounging around and getting a few assignments done. Around 8:30 he was sitting in a bubble bath, drinking wine and messing around on his phone. For about the fifth time that week, a picture of Eddie and his boyfriend showed up on his Instagram feed. They were at the park watching a movie that was being featured, and in the picture, they were holding hands.

To Stan, Eddie seemed very happy with this guy compared his past relationships. A lot of the guys were assholes who had very little regard for Eddie, but this boyfriend treated Eddie very well. It made much more sense to Stan when he learned that Eddie had a sugar daddy, all of a sudden Eddie was going shopping a ton, and getting a lot more of his work done. Thinking more about Eddie's relationship Stan was starting to feel lonely. For a while now Stan has been boyfriendless, his last relationship didn't end well, and since then he hasn't been in another. It wouldn't hurt if he checked out the app, and it didn't sound too shady when Eddie was talking about it.

Opening the app store he typed in the name and quickly pressed install. The way Eddie was describing the man didn't seem so bad. He looked happy when talking about him, in love even.

When the app finished downloading he created a profile. It asked for his age, weight, height, and something interesting about him. Once everything in he chose a picture for his profile. He settled on something Eddie took of him. He was laying in the grass with a flower in his hair, smiling at the camera. Pressing the create account button, he exited out of his phone and sent a message to Eddie.

I created an account- Stan

What's your username?- Eddie

Why?- Stan

Because I want to see what you did- Eddie

Rolling his eyes he sent his name and set his phone to the side. After he finished his wine Stan got out of the bathtub and put on his pajamas. Eddie sent a thumbs up, approving of Stan's profile. The rest of his night was spent texting Eddie and waiting for someone to message him.

[bangtan-ballum]

what i remember from the interactive introverts show in belfast (28.5.2018) SPOILERS

 this is all from memory so quotes and the order may not be completely accurate but close enough.. *pretty detailed spoilers*

- before the show began and the playlist was on, 'dans siri' kept interrupting saying "this is dans siri he left me to go look at some memes i hope you’re enjoying the playlist" and it telling us there’s no recording allowed and to turn our phones off or "ill beat you up only i cant because i’m just an ipad"

- the playlist had bts mic drop and red velvet peek-a-boo and everyone started singing and dancing to it and i was shook so many were fans of kpop omg i was liVING. 

- explaining his tweet "the weirdest thing happened, sorry if you’re here but omg that would be weird, we were sat on a bench and then this little boy wearing a fedora walked by, stopped, looked back and did this *tipped his hat* like was that directed at me?? there was no hello, nothing! and then he waited and did it again?!" he asked phil if he seen him and he said he did. dan said "phew if you didn’t i thought, i’ve just seen god, god just came to me in this form to judge me. and if he did id be going down (to hell). i am not prepared for that" 

- talking about the stage and the amazing graphic design and the two big i's at the side of the stage and dan said "look at those long boys" then called them phallic 

- a photo of dan inspired by my horse prince with the caption "ride me senpai" and phil said it was from his own personal files so he doesn’t know how that got there.. 

- phil saying they want to get to know us better but bc theres not enough time for them to take us all out for a coffee and a chat (how cute, and then everyone became soft for them and said aww) so they decided to try to get to know use all at the same time

- the audiences collective name was karen

- "you’re just not there yet. you need to get inside karen" *dan looks at phil in disgust* "phil...join karen, connect with karen" dan later goes onto say "get inside karen" and phil says "see you’re as bad as me" 

things dan and phil will not be doing tonight: 

- 'erotic role playing': *phil wearing a police helmet and carrying a baton* "officer(maybe captain) phil(maybe philly) here, danny’s been a bad boy" then dan appears holding handcuffs "please be careful with the handcuffs i have sensitive skin" 

- the show will also not be a live viewing of dan and phil in their apartment. they then showed videos of them doing things round the house and phil was eating cereal out of the box and dan was on the toilet. 

- the show will not be a giant party with all their friends and they put party hats on and then the voice said “no because none of the people replied to their messages bc they have no friends. none.” lmao 

- the show will not be them stripping and they ripped their shirts off to reveal they had the same shirt on underneath

- "unleash the bees" then "sting me daddy" by dan ofc 

- they tested themselves and had to say the same thing under the topic of "kitchen objects" and they both said whisk and said that they never say the same thing and that was only the second time they’ve done that and they were so happy about it omg

- when doing the simulation part dan was in his fur suit and had to go to the toilets but the men’s was locked and the options we had to choose from was to "ask someone for the passcode" or "use the lady door" (i know) and dan went on to say that this is why we need to diminish the concept of gender and everyone clapped and cheered omg i love him

- during the how many think we know the real dan and phil bit, dan said something about how we know certain thing (that i dont remember) and how we know some of their kinks 

- dan being v concerned about how we kept cheering for satan and judged the people of belfast for seeming happy to be making a deal with the devil lol. 

- during the sacrifice of dan (what context?) phil came out in a leather apron with gloves and said he is wearing his best serial killer outfit. 

- phil getting ready to shoot a spinning dan with an arrow and says "forget katniss everdeen, this is philniss philerdeen" 

-phil misses the board and hits dans hip and dan said “if that was 5 inch to the left then we would not have been friends anymore”

- dan trying to get off the wheel and phil asked if he needs to unstrap him and dan said "i’ve had enough of you unstrapping me" idk if he actually said that but i s2g that’s what i heard at the time and how i will remember it LMAO 

- dan had to untie phils apron and the audience died and dan was done with all of us. 

- phil saying it was distracting watching dan get out of his padded suit and then dan tried to sexily get out of it whilst phil was talking and phil stopped and stared at dan and said "im just gonna let him do it" and so in the end we all just watched as dan struggled to step out of it and then literally also tripped. then a few minutes later he realised he still had one of the shoe protectors on his foot (he called it a shower cap lol) and then took it off and awkwardly walked to the side to set it down then awkwardly walked by and laughed under his breath.

- according to the audience dan has a stress mushroom, apple and a girls motivation locked in the box under his bed. dan was extremely concerned as to why she thinks he has locked an apple in the box. and everyone laughed when the other girl said her motivation and dan said "i too have my motivation locked in a box and i’ve lost the key" 

- phil saying the key to dans box was v 50 shades of grey bc of the red ribbon

- at some point they both said a word wrong and both times they did The Thing™ they do when they mock each other when they make a mistake.

- 'phantastic phacts' as a title on screen. phil says "like what we did there?" 

- dan saying his phil trash #1 

- phil saying “put your nipples away” (when a photo of a topless man appeared on screen) and said it in some type of accent LMAO i died

- dan saying they are super best friends and soulmates -im dead- 

- wholesome howell and x-rated lester made an appearance (they swapped roles and were given topics and phil had to make good things sound bad and dan had to make bad things sound good) also when dans photo of him as an angel with a halo and a rainbow behind him, he looked at the audience, smirked and said "its very fitting" i would like the think he meant the gay ass rainbow behind him but y’know. 

- dan saying to god "implode me daddy" when he had to make the topic of the world imploding seem appealing. phil laughed under his breath and said “never say implode me daddy again” 

- *phil having to make meeting beyonce sound bad and he said bc hes so clumsy that he'd trip and kill her and was really dramatic whilst saying it and dan was stunned and just looked in shock at phil then us and said "are you as traumatised as i am right now" 

- dan having to make stepping in a puddle while wearing socks seem good and screamed and said "NO that is literally the worst thing in the world..ok you dont appreciate dry feet until suddenly they’re not. once a day we should all put on a fresh sock and go to the kitchen and step in something moist just to remember-" phil interrupts shouting no and dan continues saying "do you ever feel like you need a drink. well, with a wet sock you can just- *lifts his foot to his mouth and everyone dies on the spot* 

- dan and phil struggling to pronounce all the irish names and everyone was screaming how to pronounce it and dan made everyone be quiet and squealed "wAIT. just one person" LMAO and then the one time phil said a name right and everyone cheered for him 

- dan would happily become an amazing dancer even if it meant phil would wake up with 2 left hands and 2 left feet because he says it wouldn’t make a difference in phils life bc hes that clumsy now it’d probably be the same with 2 left feet. 

- phil would save dan from being bitten by a vampire even though it would mean that buffy the vampire slayer never existed. they talked about how the vampire could bite him and he could live forever as a vampire and phil said he would bring him bloody treats (then dan referenced to before when phil was x-rated lester*) and said "what kind of bloody treats?? omg it would be beyonce he killed beyonce and will feed me her corpse" then said "no what if they just want me dead" and then phil decided to save him. 

- dan thinks this phil without the fringe is an impostor and he killed the real phil. he screamed a couple of times throughout the show to ask where the real phils body was and said will get him to confess eventually. 

- "are you really just a lizard in a phil suit..because that would explain a lot" phil is a scalie confirmed. 

- phil constantly squatting/slut dropping to the buzzer sound effect 

- i cant remember the context but phil said something about him having layers and dan stopped and said “layers?? are you shrek? what do you think this is, shrek the musical?”

- phil had to say dans biggest fear and he said moths, and it was wrong so he got an electric shock and dan said "wHAT NO! ok right i have this thing where i hate anything underwater. like imagine you’re in the sea, what are you scared of? sharks? woop no, whales? no. but there’s a boat and beside the boat there’s a buoy and attached to that is sLIMEY CHAIN. EW NO. i’ve got submechanophobia. (i googled it i think that’s what he said idk) so its not moths, phil you know that!!" 

in the deep chat bit: 

-they talked about phobias. someone submitted saying she had a phobia of balloons and asked if she was weird and asked what they’re scared off. phil said "no you’re not weird. everyone has their fears. whats yours dan" and dan said "as we discussed before, things underwater, slimey things! uHH. but yeah i get that, its the anticipation of when its gonna pop and that’s stressful" and asked phil what his was and said "i’ve always had a thing where i was scared of the deep sea ever since i was a kid. also, not that its really a phobia but, horses. i don’t like them i don’t trust their intentions. like imagine waking up one day to a horse in your bedroom" lol 

- they talked about procrastination. talked about how changing your environment, like "doing a very not dan and phil thing" and going for a walk (dan squealed at the thought) could help distract your mind, getting some fresh air and then going back to your work with a different mindset. then talked about how phil has the need to reward himself when he does something and said that he always says to himself that if he finishes a certain task that he will reward himself with a marshmallow. and then said that if you reward yourself with something that it could motivate you to finishing whatever you’re putting off. dan said phil is using the example of a marshmallow but that he really does this and that he tells dan not to let him have the marshmallows until he finishes whatever he needs to do. dan then said that even if your procrastinating school work or whatever to just write the first word, or try writing a few sentences bc atleast you’ve started it and if you start writing that you could get into the mindset and keep writing until you finish. 

- they talked about making a youtube channel. someone submitted that he has started a youtube channel about reptiles and if they had any tips. and dan said "omg stephen. phil is probably already subscribed" lmao. phil praised him for starting a channel about something he is interested in and how its bad to start a channel just for the views and the subscribers. then said that instead of talking about what hes going to do, he should "just do it, show us that lizard" and dan said "yeah dont start off like "hi, so my name is [stephen], nice to meet you. ive always wanted to make videos about reptiles but i never rea-" lmao 

- phil saying bitch in his disstrack oh my god 

- the song at the end: "hey buddy can you give me some editing tips" 

- when dan was playing the piano and phil was singing and said that even though they’ve been friends for so long they’ve never fallen out and then starting listing things they could fall out over eg. phils dying houseplants, how dan never goes outside, phils vision is blurry and dans a furry. 

- for the most inaccurate prediction of interactive introverts someone submitted "2 hours of dan and phil twerking to the teletubbies theme tune" and then dan proceeded to twerk whilst singing it and saying the teletubbies names.. 

- d: "its basically two oscars tied together" p: "oh and they’re naked, look at those butts" d: "wow statues of two naked men tied together may not be the best thing to have when its meant to represent us"

there were some really soft things they said at the start and the end, and how we were there bc were happy(?) (i dont remember the exact context or quote but it was something like that, all i mind is that it was v sweet) and idk i just love them omg it was the best night!! 

[violetnpurple]

Hello My Lovely Amazingly Cute Anon!! <3

Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I’m responding late, but I wanted to make sure I could respond to everything you said and give u a good and thoughtful response even if it took me awhile. I also honestly am so honored that you feel safe venting to me, idk what I’ve done or said to deserve that but I am really glad that you feel this way :D

I just first what to say that I’m no therapist. I’m 23 yrs old and i barely know what I’m doing with my life, lol. I will try to give you advice to the best of my ability but please, if you can, find someone you really trust in your life to talk to about this. if you don’t thats fine, try to see if you can see a therapist. I have one (after lots of encouragement from those around me) and it was one of the best choices I made. You said you’re 16 so I know it will probably be hard for you to find one if your mother (or parents) aren’t up for it. But if you can get them to help you find someone to talk to that would be great! If they’re being difficult, I’d say try to look for people outside your family, preferably trust-worthy adults, that you think you can talk to and who can help you.

(and i’ll just stop counting at this point, this is going to be long lol) I can really relate to a lot of your problems, Anon. I’m pretty plus sized. It started happening in high school and since then I’ve just gained more weight🤷🏿. Another parallel is that my mother has always been the one person in my life (bedsides myself) to bring up my weight. Constantly. She always framed it as her desire to “be honest with me” and “tell me the truth because no one else would and she loved me”, but that did nothing to curb the sting of her comments. Her favorite thing to talk about a couple years ago was how the “whole family was fat according to our doctor” so it was necessary we all went on diets. I’m so sorry that your family’s teasing has driven you to starving yourself. That’s seriously not okay. Especially your mother. She really should be your main source of comfort. Someone you could rely on! I hope she can become that person for you one day soon.

I’ll start by answering your main question: No. I do not think you need to loose weight. In my mind, fuck your entire family. Especially your mom. Lol I know those are basically fighting words, but I mean it. She’s been no help in this. As your mother she should be supporting you with school and helping you figure out what your dreams and goals are for life. Teaching you how to survive the real world, for when the time comes. Not giving you constant anxiety about your weight and looks. This is terrible parenting. I’m sure she has her positive traits, but for this situation, I’m not endeared to her. Also, the fact that you followed up your question by saying you did not want to be skinny tells me all I need to know. If you don’t want to loose weight, YOU. DON’T. HAVE. TO. I can’t stress this enough. i know you’re getting shit from your family, but if YOU don’t want to loose weight, that you don’t have to. Fuck everyone else. It’s your damned body. You have to live with it for the rest of your life. ITS NOBODY’S DAMN BUSINESS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT. if you like the weight you’re at, stick with it. if you want to loose 10 pounds (in a healthy way, with some exercise) but your mom says to loose 50, tell her to take a fucking hike!! (actually, please don’t, because she might throw you out or something and I don’t want to be responsible for that but u get my drift lol) Your curves are beautiful, I don’t need to see you to know this. You’re literally 16 and honestly you’re body is going to keep changing anyways. Don’t put more stress on it by starving yourself. You’re growing!! Your body needs food and nourishment. Your body cares about you and loves you and want to keep you alive. Your heart keeps beating in an effort to keep you going, BECAUSE IT LOVES YOU. Repay your body by feeding it, by feeding yourself. By loving yourself. EAT WHAT YOU WANT. I know I’m rambling, but I want you to get my point.

As for your pain everywhere I REALLY want you to see a doctor, darling. Like, as soon as possible. that doesn’t sound comfortable or fun. your body could be sending you signs for something. Please, please try to get an appointment with whoever you see for check-ups or things like that. Explain to them what you’ve told me about the pain everywhere. And if you feel comfortable with this doctor (and you don’t think they’ll tell your mom or someone else you don’t want to know about your mental health) I’d tell them about how you’ve been feeling. My only worry is that you’re a minor so if your doctor is worried he might go to your mom. But some doctors can be forced to keep silent and just help you, I’m just not sure what is needed for that to happen. At minimum please talk to them about your full body pain.

And to address your belief that you’re ugly or would get uglier if you lost weight, that’s BS sweetheart. You’re a lovely person. Don’t ask how I know, I have magic so I just know these things💖💖. I really hope some day that your family will realize this as well.

I can see that a part of you does love your body, Please hold on tight to that. Hold on to it like your life depends on it. Remember to be kind to yourself and please don’t kill yourself. I know you might think that no one will miss you but I will, I can promise you that. You have your entire life ahead of you. Think about the future and what it holds. And if that’s not helpful, try to think of the little things in life that make u happy. even the tiniest thing can help you see that it is worth it to live another day. If it helps and you want to, you can send me anon messages on days you’re really sad about whatever you want. You can also message me, I am very open to that. Though I have to be very honest, I work a lot so I can’t always answer messages immediately, but I will do my best. Please try to eat 2 meals a day, minimum. When it a good day, try 2 meals with a snack or even 3 meals. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!!! Start out small if that makes u feel better but try after awhile to eat a bit more. like i said before you’re growing. Give your body what it needs. Fuck everyone else, THEY’RE NOT YOU. You’re you. Your body loves you and wants what’s best for you. Treat it right by feeding yourself and being kind to yourself physically and mentally. I know its not easy, but I know you can do it, sweetheart. Just try one step at a time. I’ll try to be here for you if you need anything I can give.

I’m actually so close to tears writing this because to be so honest with you anon I’ve also been having trouble with food and my desire to eat. I’ve told no one about this except you (and now all of my followers, lol) but reading your message has made me think really hard about the huge difference between how I treat myself and how i treat everyone else. I won’t go into detail too much because I’d just end up writing a novel and keep you up all night reading about my issues lmao. We don’t want that. I’m just thinking about how I whole heartedly want you to feel comfortable in your body. How I really want you to have a healthy relationship with food and your family. These are all things I’ve been denying myself for a long time and I’d be a hypocrite to demand that of you and not myself. I really don’t want to make this ask about me, but I just want you to know that you’re seriously not alone, I promise. What I ask of you I’ll be asking of myself. From now own I’ll do my best to be as kind to myself, as I try to be to others. :D

I love you!!!!! Don’t forget that!!! I’m sending you a care package filled with hugs and kisses and magic so you can sleep and have no bad dreams!!!! ILYYYY!!!

[carteroflarrows]

A Mundane Online Confession CW: Mental Health? S.I. Trans dysphoria

I need this, it's 0100 and I'm stuck between stability and suicidal ideation. Considering others time and spilling my guts for hours. Feeling content and absolutely miserable and unwanted. This has more of an immediate time than necessary. But that's what you get when using words like, " suicide" or " need". I'm not exaggerating. I am and do. However, I've been this way for so long it's just my baseline. I'm used to images of my missing head, my cat crying as my roommates discover me. Me hanging from my closet rack with earbuds in each ear; blasting some angry or sad song. Maybe both angry and sad. One quickly follows the other, not in the order provided though. I walk around providing only a glimpse of my degraded mental state so that those who view my face get off my back. I've presented and soon after, adopted anger as a primary emotion over depression. People are scared of that, some anyway. IDK. I'm rabling but the point is I'm sick of hiding. While this isn't exactly a transparent form of communication, it's exactly what I need for now. I want to feel like people hear, but not let them see. If you have never been absorbed in to the mental system, you don't know how fucking dangerous it is to be deemed actively, or even passively suicidal.

As you may already know I've shuffled for 21, going on 22 years on this mortal coil. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. Miserable for as long as I could understand and suicidal as long as I haven't accepted it. I am in love, thought I was loved. It's a very one-sided relationship. I was with someone for almost 2 years and now all I have are shadows of memories. I can't really even remember what their face looks like. It behooves me to be cautious in describing that situation, as I'm really not sure what to think now, 3ish months later. Needless to say I'm a wreck. I've had relations with 6ish people and in the end found that I couldn't enjoy, perform or even have a good night without resenting everything beautiful soul that danced with me. It's just never the same once you've felt love. At least I think, honestly I can't say anymore.

Poverty has been a real treat. Lack of opportunity even better to boot. Seems no matter how hard I work, how long or whatever. It's never enough. Always more that needs to be done, paid for. Another emergency, another bill, another car problem, medical bill, vet bill or just plain irresponsibility. Despite this I have managed to save a little bit all that will probably go to feed my DUI fund. .015 over the limit. Please don't learn the hard way that feeling good and being legally good are not the same thing. Get a breathalyzer, don't assume. All of my savings where going to go to a car which I desperately need, or something fun to make it all worth it. Ceva Ceva.

To add to our pyre of self pity I'm a transwoman with a broad chest, Manish hands, an okay dick and legs that I think are gaining stress marks. I also know none of that negative shit is true. I get complements all the time, encouragement and drive. However, no incident of misgemdering can hurt me as much as it does to look in the mirror. In addition, as I've become more social, per the request of my psychologist, who believes my problem to be a lack of relational reimbursement; I've encountered far more bigotry than I'd like. I know I could never come out to my father or really any of my family. It certainly feels like no one desires me romantically. Not that I'm emotionally available but it'd be nice to know if some did. Though it may be a bit conceded I really wouldn't want anyone to reveal their admiration unless they were the future love of my life.

Speaking of love, know what it's like to be gas lit by your love? Fucking great. Never felt better. In addition, I can understand why they did so, for very relatable and logical reasons. So, I can not vilify them as they did me. So there's that layer of mortal complexity. Now I actually have to think of what, if anything I did terribly wrong or even somewhat abusive. Even though, after almost 4 months all I can think is I was depressed and didn't want to get out. I was broke, didn't want to spend money, I was agitated and needed to cool off, I was scared and needed to voice my concerns, 4 hours together twice a week isn't enough after two years & had trust issues so I needed to be reassured and know what went wrong. All this makes me think, "gee. You'll never, be enough. You'll always be less than". Oh! In addition I know it's bad, I know. However I'm venting so get off my back. I can not stop thinking about all the fucking shit I did for them. But when it came their time, we couldn't stop up to the plate. There are words I'll never trust again. "love" and "soul mate" chief among them. What do I put my trust in? Action? Usually has to come after I've already trusted the word. To wrap it up in a little bow. Despite me not harassing them, they unfriended me after asking to be friends and blocked me soon after. On everything. Minus phone. We've spoken twice since. I keep meaning to ask for my spare car key back but, it may just be in the stuff they gave me or plain lost. Not sure I want to know.

In the end all I've learned is that the promise of karma, love, possibilities, god or change are all breath upon loose lips.

Wanna know the funny part?

I work at a mental hospital.

[biofunmy]

Tech Products We Tried And Loved In 2018

As tech and business reporters at BuzzFeed News, we love consuming stuff. This year, our obsessions weren’t limited to the buzziest new gadgets (we recommend LAST year’s iPhone, and the Facebook Portal is conspicuously absent from this list). We were also into all sorts of new apps, fun social media accounts, productivity hacks, and even just ways to…disconnect from technology. (Reading books! Doing jigsaw puzzles!) And yes, we also enjoyed weed vape pens.

Here are all the things that the BuzzFeed Tech and Business team tried this year and wholeheartedly recommends.

1.

Customizing my PopSockets to show my cats’ faces — $15 each

I don’t need to go into all the ways that PopSockets greatly improve your life; my colleague Katie has already done that, naming it as her favorite tech thing of 2017 and talking about it nonstop all of last year. (I should know. I sit next to her in the BuzzFeed newsroom.)

Long story short, Katie convinced me too, but I took it a step even further by customizing my PopSockets with my cats’ faces. This is an easy thing. You basically take a picture of your beloved pet (or pets), photoshop out the background, and head over to the PopSocket “customizer” page. A pair cost me only $30. And you can switch out the design by popping off the top, so both Laser Beam and Vivienne get play on my phone.

Yes, this is something I show off to people at parties, frequently and obnoxiously. But now you can be that person too! Also, I’m planning to get a friend of ours a customized PopSocket with the face of his girlfriend on it as a prank Christmas gift. It’s gonna be great.

—Davey Alba

I don’t get why people like PopSockets. They are extremely uncool and bulky. Since I have a deep-seated fear of developing iPhone claw hand and a long history of dropping my phone and shattering screens (my claim to fame is that Bella Hadid and I go to the same screen repair place), I needed to find something that allowed me to hold my phone with my fingers but wasn’t totally lame. I noticed that my friend’s cool German mom was using a sleek iPhone strap at dinner one night, and I ordered one on Amazon for $2.50 less than a standard PopSocket. It lays completely flat and is the perfect size for my middle and ring finger. While I hear that PopSockets constantly break, my sturdy phone strap has never failed me. One time, a stranger on the subway asked me where I got it! I am a trendsetter.

—Maggie Schultz

The thing everyone asks me when I wear my computer glasses is: Do those things work? Well, if by “work,” you mean, “Do they make me look smart and cool?” — then yes. They work great. Do they actually do anything to protect my eyes from blue light? Idk, the science is fuzzy here.

I’ve been blessed with perfect vision, and I don’t need prescription glasses of any kind. But I’ve also been cursed with looking great in glasses! What’s a gal like me to do? Wearing fake glasses with no prescription is embarrassing; it’s something a mall emo teen would do. Computer glasses allow me all the glory of wearing “real” glasses without any visual impairment requirements!

The only downside is they have a slight blue tint, which makes them look different from actual glasses. But it’s probably not that noticeable, so I’m able to walk around looking like a certified genius while still maintaining my idiot lifestyle.

There are fancier versions of these glasses, and maybe those lenses actually do a better job of protecting your eyes. But I was in the market for something cheap, and Amazon had lots of styles under $25. I got a second pair for about $15 in pink plastic frames as well.

—Katie Notopoulos

4.

Dosist pen — $40–$100 on Eaze (availability based on local state law)

I’m 46 and, frankly, I don’t want to get too high. Or arrested. Or smoke dope that’s been treated with something I use to drive my Honda. I don’t want to get blasted or brain-hammered. I have shit to do! But every once in a while I do like to, you know, take the edge off of life?

This is why I like the Dosist pen vape. It’s a self-contained oil vaporizer that delivers a measured dose of THC and CBD as you inhale, and then vibrates to let you know to stop. There are various “formulas” with different THC to CBD ratios, and other terpenes, designed to deliver specific types of highs. (I like Bliss.) It’s also reusable. When empty, you can bring it back to a store that sells them for a $5 deposit. Plus it’s available from various on-demand delivery services, such as Eaze, so you can have it at your door within about 10 minutes of deciding you need to, uh, unwind. Not bad!

—Mat Honan

5.

Infinite content feeds that aren’t social media — various prices

2018 was the year I embraced the continuous scroll and the back catalogue. Long live the podcast feed, the extended playlist, and the audiobook. There were too many moments in 2017 when I was browsing Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram and asked myself, “What am I doing here? How have two hours passed? Is this why I can’t finish a book?” or exclaimed, “Holyshiteverythingissobad!” I was receding-hairline-deep in inane and stressful content, a condition that only encouraged stress and self-loathing. I needed a change.

So did I really listen to two years�� worth of Who? Weekly, a gossip podcast about C-list celebrities? The alternative was reading more Twitter takes about how and why the Russia investigation wound torturously on, so you fucking bet I did! Did I stream Abba’s entire discography on Spotify? It distracted me from the hellfires shrouding my apartment in ash, so I sure did! Was listening to 37 hours of The Brothers Karamazov‘s intellectual Russian family drama better than clicking on three gay thirst trap accounts in a row? YES.

—Blake Montgomery

Tabs. I tend to have a lot of them. As of writing this, I have 67 open across six windows, and many I don’t even remember clicking. There’s that big New York Times exposé on Donald Trump’s tax schemes, which I got halfway through before I was probably distracted by something dumb and meaningless on Twitter. There’s a friend’s 10,000-word essay I promised myself I’d read eventually. And there are three tabs of stale Twitter feeds I forgot to exit out of.

Tabs are the most obvious byproduct of my internet attention deficit disorder, the online exoskeletons of things my addled mind was interested in for about 10 minutes until a new shiny notification fluttered across my screen. Compared to others, my problem is probably mild. A colleague, whom I’ll leave unnamed, confided to me the other day that he had 2,193 tabs that he’s archived with an online tool. [Editor’s note: BuzzFeed News does NOT endorse Ryan’s tab strategy; it will slow your computer to a crawl.]

I have yet to download a tab manager — it’d probably just feed my habit — but I have found something else to cope with my issue. Audm, an iPhone app, streams audio read aloud by professional narrators of longform articles from outlets including the Atlantic, the New Yorker, and BuzzFeed News. Priced comparably with a newspaper or magazine subscription at $7.99 a month, Audm is perfect for long commutes and vacation road trips. Stories, of which there are more than 1,000 on the app, run anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours, and they sound exactly like a well-done audiobook. The content is also surprisingly fresh, with releases timed to magazine publication dates or within a few days of a story appearing online.

While the app is buggy (it takes a full minute to load and crashes about three times before I can get a working stream), it’s worth the wait. It’s transformed my morning train rides from a constant refreshing of Twitter, email, and Slack to one where I’m able to catch up on a subject I actually wanted to read about, a distraction from the distractions. And the best part is, when I get to work, I’m finally able to X out of one those tabs that I forgot about a few months ago.

—Ryan Mac

7.

@_personals_ Instagram

I spend way too many nights scrolling through Instagram until I finally fall asleep. Some of my favorite posts are the ads on @_personals_, an Instagram-based dating community for queers. The account is inspired by old-school newspaper personals, and it’s so damn good.

The way it works: The small group running the account holds an open call for ad submissions and asks for a $5 donation. Throughout that month, the account posts the ads, including a cute emoji and the submitter’s Instagram handle so interested people can get in touch.

Here’s a sampling of the ads:

“Androfemme lesbian boy-child seeks co-collaborator in all things to eventually farm sheep, write books, & build a house with.”

“22/aries/tiny faggy nb boy iso non-monog partners for crafts & crafty fucking”

“25,enby femme. Half puppy half little. Bottom bitch. Lives to please but bratty & will make you earn it. Ask my mami. I’m worth it.”

“Wry & romantic, reserved (not timid) femme into questioning, clumsily cooking with patient people, & song. Actual tragic for musos, gentle tradies, & enthusiastic nerds.”

And all of this was posted just in the last week! I was introduced to this account to expand my dating options. But now I mainly read this account for the prose.

—Leticia Miranda

For the last few months, my world has been dark. It started when Apple added a new feature in the latest version of its Mac operating system that switches all menus and other parts of the user interface to blacks and grays. This makes it easier to look at your computer at night or in a dark room without squinting. Eventually I got so used to the look that all bright colors on any screen made my eyes hurt.

Fortunately, more and more tech companies seem to be building a “Dark Mode” into their products, and I’ve since switched to it on all the apps I use the most: on Instapaper to catch up on my reading, on Twitter when I’m scrolling through my timeline for hours, on the Kindle app to read books, on YouTube, and on Reddit, which added it earlier this year. Last week, I installed Dark Reader, a Chrome extension that makes all web pages dark by default, and a dark theme for Chrome that makes the browser’s tabs jet black.

Most of us can’t help being chained to our screens for unhealthy amounts of time each day, but turning on dark mode wherever possible is a tiny luxury we should all indulge in.

—Pranav Dixit

9.

Headspace — $95.88/year subscription

For most of my life, hearing people talk about meditation would conjure up New Age visions of crossed legs and om-ing and marathon stretches of Nirvana-achieving trances. From afar, it seemed like an activity that required endless hours of devotion — more like a way of life than a healthy hobby. So to say I was extremely skeptical of app-based meditation would’ve been an understatement. At worst, it sounded like a scam; at best, a bastardization of a sacred kind of ritual.

I was wrong. A friend introduced me to Headspace after a conversation we had about productivity — specifically, how I’d found it nearly impossible to focus and structure my days without jumping haphazardly from tab to tab in my browser. And how I’d end even my best days feeling frazzled, detached, and legitimately unsure of what I’d just accomplished. On their advice, I bought myself a year’s subscription in order to incentivize actually creating a routine. I chose the Basics tutorial and tried a couple of five-minute sessions.

Unsurprisingly for a mindfulness app, the introduction to meditation is very calming and gentle. I learned that I’d been mostly wrong about the entire practice — devoting just 10 or 20 minutes a day (or whenever you have some downtime) can pay dividends quickly and improve focus. And the app — despite some corny animations — is full of guided, unguided, and semi-guided sessions that you can tailor to your day (helping to fall asleep, unwinding at the end of the day, focus before or after a workout, or just taking a breather).

I’m still no guru and I’ll admit I’ve struggled to sit down with Headspace reliably every day. But when I do, it’s immediately satisfying and is maybe the only thing on my phone that makes me feel good. The app-based part, of which I’d been so skeptical, is actually the part I find most essential in that it helps me take a few minutes for myself during random bits of downtime. It’s technology that introduces a little friction and reflection into my life, and for that I’m thankful.

—Charlie Warzel

10.

/remind command in Slack

You can set a bot to remind you of anything by just typing a command. It’s like having a personal assistant in the future, and it’s great for someone like me, who never leverages to-do lists or calendars to their full potential. You can set these reminders hours, days, or even weeks in advance by just typing a command. So for example, if I know I need to mail something when I get to work but am afraid I’ll forget to take it out of my backpack, I just set a Slack reminder for about 10 minutes after I expect to arrive at the office, and it reminds me to do it!

—Caroline O’Donovan

11.

Cutting the cord — Savings: $125.79/month

I can’t believe how long I let my cable company pump cash from my bank account. The last time I got a bill from Spectrum was in March. It was $208.26 for a “Triple Play” bundle: allegedly “fast and reliable” internet, cable (with HBO and DVR), and a fucking landline that I never even bothered to get a phone for. This package, according to a dubious customer service rep, was inexplicably cheaper than just ordering internet and cable separately without the unused landline, and it was the lowest price they could offer me, a customer of 10 years. Shit, right? The point had clearly arrived in my life when I had to decide whether I was willing to pay $2,499.12 a year to mindlessly flip through a-hundred-something channels when I was too bored to do anything else. But lame habits die hard, and it was comforting to know that I could always pull up some channel playing Friends reruns at the end of a long day. After painstakingly convincing my husband that he’d still have access to his precious, vital, life-sustaining ESPN through any number of streaming services, we made the irreversible leap to the land of the cordless, and my GOD, it has been wonderful.

We rebuilt our media habitat like this:

– An internet-only account on Verizon for $42.48 per month

– The cheapest Sling TV subscription (it has my essentials like CNN, Comedy Central, HGTV, BBC America for those great animal series, and TBS for Friends reruns, as well as ESPN for hubby) for $25 per month, and it came with a free Roku

– An HBO Now account that’s $14.99 per month

We also got a digital antenna for $14.99 plus tax, a one-time cost. There’s less content, but there hasn’t been a microsecond when I thought, Man, there’s not enough to watch. In fact, I might even say the quality of my media consumption has slightly improved since we cut the cord, as there are fewer channels that lure me into hours of accidental, regretful viewing. My programming has become more intentional. And the Roku universe is full of apps for free content like YouTube (and, ahem, BuzzFeed) and PBS Kids for my toddler. The free Roku Channel also has a boatload of free movies — not new releases, but stuff like Brooklyn, The Fighter, Spaceballs, and Braveheart: things you might have previously watched on DVD.

So I went from paying $208.26 per month to veg out with my TV to paying $82.47 to veg out with my TV. I am a step closer to entertainment enlightenment, my friends. As for the math: I’m saving $125.79 a month; which adds up to $1,509.48 per year! I intend on taking my family on a low-key getaway with this money, which is definitely going to be more memorable than 200 hours of MTV. I know people will ask “But what about DVR?” (it’s an extra $5 a month on Sling) and “Won’t all the streaming services you get to replace cable add up?” (it depends entirely on what you need, but a lot of my friends who have cable are ALSO paying for HBO or Netflix or Hulu already, so we’re possibly all oversubscribed). If there are cable-only programs that really add value to your life, then by all means, keep the cord and stay happy — I’ve just found that isn’t the case for me.

It’s possible that one day we’ll all be so dependent on cordless services that they will find ways to force customers to subscribe to bloated media packages. But for now, what’s not to love?

—Venessa Wong

12.

Buying last year’s model iPhone X (256GB edition) – $710

This year, I decided to switch from my Android back to an iPhone. I fly a lot to visit my parents in the Philippines, so I loved the cheap, convenient international coverage my Pixel’s Google’s Project Fi offered me ($10 per 1GB of data plus $20 for unlimited calls and texts!). But I missed the easy compatibility of the iPhone with other gadgets in my home, like my finicky Vizio soundbar.

But another difficult decision awaited me because 2018 was the year when choosing an iPhone became confusing as hell. The new iPhone XR’s upgrades were minimal compared to last year’s X, but the phone got wildly more expensive. So I got a used iPhone X (for a great deal, I might add) on the website Swappa.

My colleague Nicole Nguyen convinced me to make this call in her (excellent) iPhone XR review. Basically, a used iPhone X checks all the boxes in terms of positive qualities: It’s small-hand-friendly, has a super high-res screen, extra zoom, portrait mode, and is less than $1,000 to boot.

And hey, I was glad to hear some year-end 2018 news that aligns well with my choice: In November, Google renamed Project Fi to “Google Fi,” and announced that it would soon support a lot more phones, including my iPhone X. Huzzah!

—Davey Alba

13.

@girlshredclips Instagram

Back when I was a little girl living in the middle of nowhere and roaming around my rural town (population: 125) on my skateboard, I couldn’t have imagined that there were other girls who liked skating as much as I did. Anything I ever found online or in Thrasher magazine featured boys. Yes, there was occasionally Elissa Streamer, generally considered to be the first woman skater to go pro, and there were always bikini babes… but I couldn’t relate much to Ms. Streamer (more badass than I could ever hope to be), and I certainly was not a bikini babe. I never saw another skater like me (which is maybe not a surprise, considering how rarely I saw other people at all back then).

Now I’m a grown woman in a big city and skating less often than I used to, but my heart skips a beat anytime a post from @girlshredclips, @meowskateboards, or @skatelikeagirlsfbay pops up on my Instagram feed. Holy shit, these girls can shred.

Some are just little kids, some are my age, some are moms. Although they all skate better than me, I can see myself in them — past, present, and future — and it delights me to think that skater girls growing up in 2018 have plenty of relatable examples to keep in mind whenever some dude tells them that they’re posers. Yes, the internet can be a facilitator of chaos; Instagram and the other social media platforms can sometimes make you feel like you have a garbage life. But lady skater Instagram accounts bring me joy every day. (Pro tip: Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself; follow a few women who shred instead.)

—Samantha Oltman

When I go to a bar, I want to be able to hang out with friends and just, you know, talk to them at a normal human volume. But many food and drink establishments are so dang loud that you end up gesturing at, instead of conversing with, people. That’s why I am very into the free Soundprint app, which is only available for iOS but also has a website version. Soundprint publishes a list of quiet places in major cities, including New York, San Francisco, Philadelphia, and Las Vegas.

The Soundprint app shows you an average noise rating in decibels of the restaurants, bars, and coffee shops near you. The app calculates the rating based on “SoundCheck” submissions from users who allow the app to access their iPhone’s microphone to measure how loud the environment is. According to the app, a red rating (over 81 decibels) means a place is so loud that long exposure can cause hearing loss — and there are over a dozen establishments within a square mile of our office that fit that profile! Anyway, if you, like me, are a grumpy curmudgeon, this app is great if you want to find a quiet place to chat.

—Nicole Nguyen

The best thing to happen to my cat in 2018 was Mousr, a small, wheeled, AI robo-mouse he has embraced in a Milo and Otis kind of way — if Otis was a cat toy and Milo was a cat hellbent on its destruction. This is in no way an exaggeration. My cat has developed an almost pathological addiction to “Mr. Roboto,” which uses a small array of cameras, a “time-of-flight” sensor, and some other whiz-bang tech to convince him that it’s an actual mouse. Watching my cat playing with Mousr is like watching one of those slow-motion YouTube videos of cheetahs surprise-attacking gazelles. My cat talks to Mousr — with those same sinister chattering, chirping cat-sounds that typically signal imminent murder. My cat drags Mr. Roboto off its charging station when it’s recharging. This has become such a problem that we recently moved the charging station to the top of an armoire. The other night we heard a small crash downstairs. A few minutes later, our cat came upstairs proudly dragging Mr. Roboto by one of its custom tail attachments. He mewled at us until I pulled out a phone and fired up the app, which allows for both autonomous (wander, wall-hugger, and stationary) and remote control modes. Then he stalked, captured, and mercilessly beat the absolute shit out of it (donkey kick!). Happy kitty. Mousr retails for $149, which is outrageously expensive for a cat toy. But we are probably going to invest in one anyway (ours is a loaner); frankly, I’m not sure there’s any other option. My cat would kill me.

—John Paczkowski

Instagram is by far the app I am most addicted to — sometimes I’ll be scrolling through it, close the app, look around, and mechanically reopen it like some kind of zombie. I have the timer set to 20 minutes, which means I get the alert that it’s time to stop basically every day, sometimes even first thing in the morning! But even though the pop-up message usually makes me stick my tongue out at my phone and roll my eyes, it does break the spell and remind me to do something more useful with my time, like practice Italian on Duolingo. It’s not a cure-all, but it’s a nudge in the right direction in a world where software is almost always nudging you in the wrong direction.

—Caroline O’Donovan

17.

Sonos One — $199 (currently on sale for $179)

You move into an apartment and you get a couch, kitchenware, your bed. But after all those basics are set? An essential upgrade is filling your home with sound. In the continuing hellscape year that was 2018, there was one thing I realized could shift my mood in a small but significant way: playing whatever jam I was currently obsessed with on my Sonos One.

Sure, you can just blast your fave song loudly on your laptop, which I used to do. But then I decided I was going to be the grown-ass 30-year-old woman I am and splurged on a nice-sounding speaker. I went with Sonos because it’s the wireless speaker brand that’s widely known for high-quality sound. Against the wishes of my boyfriend, I bought a Sonos One, a speaker that integrates with voice assistants like Amazon’s Alexa. My boyfriend is freaked out by the idea of an always-on mic listening for a wake word. When I brought the Sonos home, I left the mic deactivated for weeks after setting it up — but I liked to know the option to use Alexa was there if I wanted it.

Then one day… I turned it on. I didn’t tell my boyfriend, I just set up the Sonos One with Alexa when he wasn’t around, and started talking to her. Whenever he came by, I pretended I was still committed to a life lived free of voice commands. But eventually, when we were talking about some song, I just blurted out: “Alexa. Play [song].”

Look, that first reveal wasn’t pleasant, but now my boyfriend has totally come around and yells at Alexa too. “What’s the weather?” “What time is it?” “Play [podcast].” My best troll is commanding Alexa to read an excerpt of an Atavist story he wrote a few years back out loud. He narrated it, so his voice comes through the speakers; you’ve never seen anyone shout, “Alexa, STOP!” so fast.

There are times when the speaker conks out and refuses to respond to me, but you know what? It’s a lot more fun having the thing in my apartment than not. And yeah, to a certain extent, my boyfriend and I have both warmed up to having a voice-activated gadget. The Sonos One is the first and last one I’ll be getting for my home, though. I promise, Joseph.

—Davey Alba

Hosted by Jane Marie, The Dream dives into the multilevel-marketing schemes that have overrun social media. MLMs like Herbalife, Mary Kay, and Amway have been around for a while, but a whole slew of weird new female-friendly ones that sell essential oils or athletic leggings have popped up recently. I’m fascinated by the role the internet has played in their explosion. The podcast talks to people who have been burned and lost money from these schemes. It also dives into the history of how MLMs came to be so popular over the last 50 years, and how the government has failed to rein them in. My favorite episodes are when a producer signs up for a cosmetic MLM and we get to see the details of just how it tricks the sellers into buying the product, losing money outright, and selling within a closed system.

—Katie Notopoulos

19.

2013 MacBook Pro — around $500 on eBay

I’m a sucker for shiny new gadgets, but my favorite piece of tech this year was my five-year-old MacBook Pro. It’s a late 2013 model with a 13-inch display and middling innards, and it’s been the workhorse I have relied on for everything from live-blogging Apple events to reporting from remote corners of the country.

OK, so it’s got some spots across the screen. The battery only runs about five hours before it needs to be plugged in. The spaces between the keys are grubby from the time I spilled tea into the keyboard and never quite managed to get the stains out completely (I let the laptop dry and it still worked like a champ!). And one of the speaker grills is bent from the time I banged it on my bed when I was annoyed with someone on the internet.

But I wouldn’t trade this for anything else, not even for one of Apple’s modern laptops that are thinner, lighter, sexier, pricier, and full of frills like a Touch Bar that nobody asked for or keyboards that can be destroyed by a single speck of dust.

As long as I can stream Netflix and browse the web without Chrome grinding to a halt, my old Macbook Pro is all I need.

—Pranav Dixit

Biking to work is awesome. You don’t have to be face-to-armpit against complete strangers on the bus. You get a little work out. It’s good for the environment, too! What’s not awesome is how dangerous biking on crowded city streets are. I was constantly yelling, “HEY, AHGGHBLERGH” after getting cut off by drivers or pummeled by Uber/Lyft passengers that don’t look over their shoulders before opening the car door.

That is, until I got this rad bell (lol, yes — a RAD BELL) called Spurcycle. It was a birthday gift, which I highly recommend, because at $49, it’s certainly pricier than other bike bells. I like this bell because it’s really small, but it rings very loudly, for an absurdly long time. If you don’t believe me, believe the thousands of people that backed this on Kickstarter in 2013, because they too were into loud little bike bells.

The ring isn’t obnoxious, like a car alarm. It’s nice, and using it is a really lovely way to tell cars, pedestrians, and ride-hail passengers “I’M HERE!!” without having to shout “I’M HERE!!”

—Nicole Nguyen

21.

Shortcut to creating a new Google Doc

I can’t believe I didn’t know about this until just recently, until after I saw someone tweet about it. As someone who primarily works in Google Docs — I use it for all my note-taking and writing — I open new docs all the time!

The shortcut lets you skip all the usual clicks required to open a new doc. Instead, you just type this URL: http://bit.ly/2VnNPmb. But even that’s not really convenient enough. So I dragged it onto my bookmarks bar, and now I have a handy button right in the middle of my browser for NEW DOC.

—Katie Notopoulos

22.

Wireless charging pad — $4

I got my wireless charger in the most discount scenario possible: on a Sunday evening as the Black Friday weekend sales entered their desperate final hours, in a Neiman Marcus outlet store where everything was 40% off, fished out of a giant bin of extra, extra discounted garbage positioned near the registers. It was four levels deep into an Inception-style discount world, it’s some no-brand piece of suspiciously light and hollow junk, and it ended up costing like four bucks. It was the best thing I bought in 2018.

The reason why is pretty simple: The first time you just put your phone down on the table and watch it begin charging — without any plugging in or fiddling around with a cable — is a legitimately magical experience. It’s one of those moments when a thing finally works the way you always wanted it to work, even if you didn’t know you wanted it to work that way. Think of the first time you experienced a real touchscreen phone — i.e., the first time you played with an iPhone — or the first time you put in your AirPods and experienced headphones the correct way.

It’s not a coincidence that both those examples were Apple products — while the company doesn’t tend to be the first to market with a new technology, it’s typically the first to bring a good version to market. There were crappy touchscreen Nokias years before the iPhone, and Bluetooth headphones have been a thing since those dorky headsets people were wearing in the early 2000s. They were all junk, and then Apple made the Correct Thing.

Maybe that’s what’s going on with wireless chargers now, because hardly anybody seems to be using them, despite them being pretty good. Apple seems to have completely screwed up in its attempts to launch its own extremely fancy one (and maybe given up entirely?) and the result is that the market lacks a certain halo of Apple approval and encouragement. But don’t let that stop you! Even my $4 piece of crap is *fantastic*, and everyone should have a wireless charging pad sitting on their desk at work and their bedside table at home.

Start by buying the cheapest one possible to get a feel for how they work; because they don’t need to pay the Apple tax levied on anything with a Lightning connector, they’re wildly cheap — cheaper than all but the cheapest regular iPhone charging cables. Here’s a probably-perfectly-fine Anker wireless charger for $12 — the same price as a six-foot Lightning cable from Amazon Basics. What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose but your chains.

—Tom Gara

23.

Band Memes on Instagram

If you’ve read this far, I’m going to go ahead and guess you might have been not the coolest person in your high school (no offense). Perhaps you were even like me and played in the middle school or high school band — if so, these memes will be very relatable. I have found myself strangely overjoyed to find extremely niche relatable memes that are mostly made by and for high school students, but that I, an adult, can enjoy as well. This year, I joined an adult community concert band, and I’ve been so happy to play the bassoon in a group setting again. It also gives me an excuse to revive “playing in band” as part of my Personal Brand. And as part of my Personal Brand, I deserve to enjoy these wholesome memes.

—Katie Notopoulos

I love Apple’s AirPods wireless earbuds. I think they’re among the company’s best products and a reminder that Apple still has the chops to inspire that “sense of childlike wonder” that Steve Jobs used to talk about. Problem is, I no longer use them. For whatever reason — my overly large head, my poorly designed auricles, a shitty external auditory meatus — I have difficulty keeping my AirPods in my ears, or getting the type of fit that delivers good sound. I do not have this problem with Master & Dynamic’s MW07 True Wireless Earphones. They have detachable “Silicone Fit Wings,” which slot them securely into my outer ear, and they sound fucking fantastic. In fact, they are by far the best-sounding buds I’ve used. And they’d better be because they cost $299 (double Airpods’ $149). This is perhaps because they feature “custom 10mm high-performance Beryllium drivers,” are cloaked in “handcrafted acetate,” and come with a hefty stainless steel charging case (14 hours of additional charge) that might break a toe were you to drop it on one. I don’t need or care about any of those things. But as a big-headed, recovering audiophile, I am happy to pay for them if it means my earbuds will stay in my ears and reliably play “Master of Puppets” into them with solid sonic accuracy.

—John Paczkowski

In August, my wife, my dog, and I spent a weekend with friends in a rental cabin in New York’s Hudson River Valley. We planned on hiking the whole time, so of course it rained for two days straight. The options inside were limited to books, conversation, and wine — good enough for the Greeks, but not for me. I ransacked the cabinets. Scrabble, been there. Monopoly, done that. Then, at the back of the bottom shelf, I spied it: a jigsaw puzzle. And not any jigsaw puzzle, but a 1,000-piece warhorse from the bad boys at Ravensburger. When completed, “The Sanctuary of Knowledge” depicts an old couple reading by the fire in a cavernous Baroque library as fairies fly around them. (I took the fairies to be a metaphor for the magic of reading.) I’m like any other tech-addled thirtysomething (i.e., delayed gratification averse) but something about this wee old couple and their whimsical retirement made me want to dump the box out and get to work. So I did! — to the polite ambivalence of my friends.

I didn’t finish it. I got about a quarter of the way there and then we had to leave. But those few hours I spent matching shades of brown for the inlays on the vaulted shelves felt, I don’t know, therapeutic? Meditative? Purposeful? The puzzle didn’t come with an app or a leaderboard; it didn’t want to know anything about me or my friends; it couldn’t tell me the weather. Instead, it drew my mind and my fingers into a soothing little loop, never popping up with notifications, never leading me to other puzzles that secretly advocate for fascism, always with a discrete ending in sight. Good for me! I thought at the time, the completion of one-fourth of a moderately challenging puzzle was proof that there was still some gray matter left between the internet-sized holes in my brain. Bully for puzzles!

I ordered “The Sanctuary of Knowledge” on the car ride home. I’m saving it for a rainy day.

—Joseph Bernstein

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