#idk if that stuff bothers anyone who follows me but yea i do SHMOke and yes its a personality trait ple3ase goed leave me alone

[our-inspire-verse]

Kiba: realizing that microdosing on cbd is helping me hold a front for long, solid periods.

Realizing that I've been rapid-switching and struggling with anxiety, delusion, and other ptsd related symptoms, which is dragging me into a depression and making me unable to be there in ways i would like to be. For myself and others.

Realizing that i had opportunities to stock up. Didn't. And thinking with a headshake at all those times Mitten's hubristic nature made her laugh in the face of gentle waste. "Another hit won't hurt. I know what you're thinking, 'save it!' I tell you, we are living, my love!" She would cackle.

(Bout to be a long ish post. Meant to just check in briefly but i like to talk. )

Tisk tisk. This is why occasionally we tell her no. No, we will not get drinky drink. We are saving money. "It is only 2 dollar!" Yes. I am aware. How many 2 dollar have you spent? How many are we making? When will we make more?

And the quastion circles back, my little feathery feline. When can we start properly dosing on cbd again? Mitten. When will we have more.

Her stupid little cat smile. Silly little masochist. She knows it could be some time. She knows what we are feeling, and sure it could be good to suffer and feel what she so missed: the very low and agonizing sensations of being in pain. We have a perspective that controlled, healthy pain, is very necessary for healing. However: we could simply dose for sleep, for tummy problems, and unsolvable brain scrambles. Meditation could not save us on the porch, or in the office(references to things.) Water, walking, calm and nature cannot always be the only solution. As I've lived for a long time, I've solved on my own. I have fought and clawed and suffocated. All alone.

And Mitten and the others, of course, have always been there, but together we are isolated. But cbd, preferably thc and flower, hopefully one day edibles mostly, have always made us feel closer. More real, together. Louder. Warmer. Clarifies us, makes it so i can hold a front. So a switch does not hurt and feel dizzying. I just wish it did not come at such a harm to very specific parties. I just want to be a comfort and helpful, but things strain, and i am weak in my little dog knees.

I'm so so weak lately and my mind is faltering. Headaches, pretty regularly if i fight too hard against the dying of my light, if i rage against my self loathing and succeed especially, as I've successfully and painlessly done this past year, i falter and fail now. I cannot hold front, none of us can. We cannot see who we are, and even the most formed and solid headmates find themselves half there and floating away and possibly regressed or scared. I do not fear that i am addicted to cbd, i know who i am and how i am processing and what addiction does feel like. I've avoided it with this successfully this far.

My issue is that others may perceive it that way if i reveal what desperation i feel. Truly, it is the mark of a man who found a very helpful, consistent and aquirable remedy, and a man who took his rest from it for health, as well as for proof of his comfort in lifestyle as one who can regulate and self care. It is the mark of someone, long past the promised date of return to the substance, and unable to come back. Unable to ground, or process, or meditate the way i need to be doing to stay stable in an insanely unstable environment. I'd pay a dollar per hit at this point. Give me 1 boof off a boogn. Please.