#idk if self harm et al is rational but like you know

[owlmond]

i’ll take words that rhyme with boring and make me want to kill myself for 800 please alex

[earthbison]

I’m really starting to wonder about my mental health. ((More unnecessary personal rambles lol))

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and while that isn’t necessarily given to children through either nature or nurture, traits of BPD can develop in those raised by a BPD parent. My sister, for example, has extreme narcissism that she’s unaware of. She can’t hold onto a conversation if it’s not about her. She has poor listening skills for other people, and tends to always bring the conversation back to herself. She does honestly mean well deep down, but is so blinded by her own personality flaws, that she can’t see how destructive she’s been with family and her past relationships.  My brothers on my mothers side also suffer to a large extent. Two of them have an alcohol problem, and the other has extreme social anxiety as well as disassociation issues.

I was raised by my birth mother for about 9 years of my life. I’ve been told I don’t reflect any of her negative qualities but I think the true reality that I’m starting to see now is that I’ve had those traits but have hidden them fairly well, all except towards one person. Only one person truly saw who I was right down to the roots, the rawest form of my positive and negative traits. A 10 year friendship that has been fucked up very badly. Her experience aside, though, if I reflect upon my elementary and junior high years I’ve had similar problems socializing at a younger age. Most people in my life have attributed this to my “shy disposition” but I was actually anything but shy in school. I had a way of throwing my “wild card” at people and letting them “deal with it” because it was ‘who I was.’ This behaviour didn’t really stop until I started working at about 18. I remember yelling out the circumcision information of a student down the hallway because I thought it was funny and he “shouldn’t care about who knows about it or not.” From what I can tell by analyzing my past self, anything that I labelled as nothing to “stress about” I didn’t take seriously, and therefore deemed it as okay to laugh about. I only ever thought of my perspective on an issue. I never considered what it may mean to another person, and if they did take a matter more seriously or differently than I did, I would rationalize that they should just, “shake it off” or “roll with the punches” because I was just “teasing” and if I didn’t take it seriously, then they shouldn’t either. Apparently I “knew” best. *eyeroll* But, that’s not how life works and.. that’s quite selfish. Looking back, it all seems like a fuck load of inconsideration from my end. 

I bullied others, pants’d my friends, scared people on purpose, made fun of teachers and students to the point where I was almost expelled (and was suspended for three weeks) I mocked others ideas if they didn’t match mine. Like when a guy in our class did ballet for the talent show, I was brutal, calling him a faggot and such (whoops, 10 years later and I’m a shining rainbow myself)

I guess I’m just worried that most of my life I’ve been inconsiderate and selfish. I’m a child who was raised in abusive households for 13 years of my life. It’s not an excuse though, and I’m still hurting people around me. I’m really trying to break it down to understand the true cause of it all. And well, childhood is always where to start. BPD traits include: - Fear of Abandonment  - Unclear or unstable self-image.  - Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.  - Self Harm  - Extreme emotional swings  - Chronic feelings of emptiness.  - Explosive anger  -Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality

So, obviously self diagnosing is bad, but I do have concerns. A lot of my life has fallen apart and I feel like I need to rebuild myself from the ground up. About 7 out of 8 of those traits have been huge parts of my childhood thus far; with two bleeding into my adult life.

Here’s some interesting things I’ve read about BPD:

“What would you expect to see in a mother (or a dad) with borderline personality features?  ...you would see narcissism, that is, inability to attune to others' needs, including her child's.  Instead of attunement to the child's needs, whatever happens would be experienced as 'all about her.'

Here's a classic example of a borderline parent in a situation that most dads or moms would react to with an easy hug.  Mom and child are walking on the sidewalk.  Child falls.  Mom erupts in fury. "How could you fall like that here where everyone can see you?  You are making me look bad!"  The child's concerns would be irrelevant.  The mother's reaction to the incident would be all about Mom.” -Psychology Today

“Children whose parents meet the criteria for BPD are at five times greater risk than other children in the general population to acquire this personality disorder” (APA, 2000). 

“The main traits of the disorder include emotional deregulation, impulsivity, and difficulties with interpersonal relationships i.e. fear of abandonment and unclear boundaries” (Paris, 2007)

“Frequently, parents with BPD experienced cognitive distortions when at a level of intensified affect, producing a gap in memory.”

“Susceptibility to psychopathalogy consists of two factors “cognitive vulnerability factors,” such as low-self esteem, ruminative tendencies, high self criticism and pessimistic accrediting and “interpersonal vulnerability factors,”  like reassurance seeking, dependency and insecure attachment styles. Combined, these two factors create an even greater risk for children with parents with BPD to not only have an episode of depression, but to also develop BPD (Abela et al.). “ - Scholar Works.

I suppose, at the very least, I DO have more self awareness over these things than before. It’s unfortunate that it’s been so long before I realized it though.  That being said, I wonder (and will be mindful of from now on) if the awareness of this behaviour, will actually help it cease to exist.

All in all, I’ve had more of those traits on that list in my youth, rather than within the past 4 years. Lying out of fear of abandonment, and general selfish behaviour have been the main concerns over the past little while. BPD is technically something that can be overcome from what I understand, so if I do have these traits then perhaps with an increasing level of self awareness, I’ll level out as a person. After all, it would be just the traits, not the actual disorder itself.

Before last July, I hadn’t realized the extent to which I make things about myself. In all honesty I’d even dubb it as an INFP (Fi) thing back then, since introverted feeling is about being yourself and refusing social roles despite risking making yourself look socially rude or selfish. The reality is though I’ve been ridiculously cunning and manipulative to avoid abandonment/confrontation for over 3 years. Lying, preparing, planning, avoiding conflict, hiding, etc.

It’s been much more than me “following my heart” or keeping my “moral principles” It’s become a distorted BPD-esque version. Perhaps Fi but unhealthily so. I cared about people but was willing to disrespect their characters to sate my insecurity. To the point where both were taken for granted immensely.  Either way, I did have the revelation of this pattern of destructive, self preserving behaviour while out for a deep thinking walk. Thank god for nature, always helping me be grounded again and again throughout life.

So idk, weird self analysis ramble over. I should really just start putting these in a journal or something lol but I guess a blog is a blog for a reason?