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pulse-clockwork · 6 years ago

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somewhere someone is angry over something. so for today’s occassion of me manifesting here i would like to tell you all who are still here for some reason (which i am thankful of, make no mistake) about one positive change reading homestuck brought to my life

head down under the readmore ↓ ↓ ↓ it’s under there because it’s wordy, but i’m putting it in the main tag if someone who still hangs around in there wants to have some feel good time

unlike most homestuck fans you could meet, i didn’t actually read it as a teen nor did i spend years with it. i did my first complete reading of it last may when i was 4 months away from being 21. it’s not like i’ve met a lot of people but among people i’ve met i think that’s a pretty unique homestuck age experience... at that time i’d already dropped out of college and was idling around inbetween therapy sessions

you know that post about how ex honor students are like horses? that’s me. i’m a horse. completely dysfunctional and lacking direction. my teenage years were heavy with depression, with unnoticed mental illnesses and confusion with a mix of both inferior and superior complexes. and when i came of age i inevitably ran out of energy to deal with all of that and still “living competently”. frustrated with a subpar higher education and my own lack of motivation for doing what was expected of me, i came to a screeching halt, abandoned the path i’d been trying so hard to walk on since childhood and sat on the grassy sides of the road to eat sweets and look at clouds. the more i spent time like that the more i realized i was like, groveling in the dark looking for something i’d lost. i didn’t even know what it was, i only knew i needed it desperately

i started on homestuck shortly after its 9th anniversary because i love everything art, and i wanted to know more about the impact it left on internet culture. it was definitely a lot more than i’d anticipated. it was stock full of beautiful colors and intriguing concepts, amazing characters and vocabulary i still don’t remember most of. it was really great. not perfect, but it reflected the growth of the author through out the years and that is something i deeply respect. not just that, but also the contributions of many other people throughout its run. it wasn’t something that belonged to anyone alone, and it’s beautiful

look, if anything i’m not that smart of a person. other people might feel different idk. i’m not the type to type in perfect syntax on the interwebz (though i will when i have to). i don’t understand a lot of things, though i try to learn. i can’t really pull off neatly written meta posts with references to mythology and religion and all that stuff, though i love reading other people’s writing on that. my art isn’t something that can take your breath away, if anything it’s very flawed. i’m not special anything

and that’s the thing. i’m not special. i don’t stand out. i’m just a person. we got 7 billion more on this globe, i’m just one of them. that’s what homestuck helped me realize. and it is deeply comforting

you might be able to infer it from my earlier karkat post but i don’t think of him as a leader. i don’t think of him as someone meant for grandiose things. i definitely am projecting, because out of the entire cast of dozens of characters karkat is the one i resemble the most, down to the situational desire for something bigger than either of us originally are. if taken out of the context of a meta narrative and allowed a completely normal life, i think karkat’s strongest point displays in the most ordinary things. the way he cares about people to the point of troubling himself constantly, how he desperately looks for the good in others but not so much in himself. not president karkat. just your neighbor karkat. i think after so many years fearing for his life and harboring a dream born out of sole desperation for acceptance into a dysfunctional society that would never accept him, a normal life like that would bring him happiness

there’s also calliope. other people have talked about how they’re a loving reflection of the creative fanbase. i focus on something else with them. at the end of the journey there was very little thing special about them. that doesn’t mean to say they’re bad or unworthy or anything, that goes against the point. they’re just there. in a position i can really relate to. they weren’t brought there to participate in the fight, they weren’t expected to contribute anything. they were just an art and story loving skull person bullied and eventually killed by their other half who deemed them not worthy of living

my all time favorite line in homestuck is what alt calliope told calliope prime

“live.”

calliope was just a normal, average person who was given a priceless treasure of life and was pulled with a loving hand to a life they never had and never thought they would have. there was no reason, no ulterior motive for it. nothing was expected of them. roxy just wanted to have them around. that’s all

for many years i wondered if it was necessary for me to be there at all. what was the point of my existence? when it all came raining down on me of my failings and fundamental weaknesses that is what i wondered. i wondered if i was any good to anybody, to the world itself. but then i found an answer in roxy’s gift to calliope. i didn’t have to. it was not my own intention to be born but i am here anyway. no one else will live my life for me. even if i live for the satisfaction for other people they will not care for my life from a to z

i don’t know how it’s like for people living elsewhere but over here, the more i grew up the more ridiculous i found my former education. everything was on a principle of competition. when you did the college entrance exams one win for you is a loss for someone else. the same could be said about job oppoturnities, running a business, buying snacks at the cafeteria, everything. isn’t that absurd? there’s so many people in the world, were we born only to snatch potential and future away from others? why was success so encouraged if the point of it was to make others unhappy?

maybe some will choose to live by that. that doesn’t mean i have to. i’m only one person, but also i’m a whole person. there were so many meetings, so many words, so much music and art, so much kindness that took me here. my bones struggled to grow into what they are now. when i look back at the last 21 years of life it has been a lot. it might not mean that much to anyone else. but it does to me. that’s the only thing that matters. i’m pretty sure i’ll never lead a successful business or work in an export company that pays in us dollar. that’s all the adults told me that really mattered. but that’s only what they said. i truly can go anywhere. any decision is for me to make

i’m just an average person. i’m really nothing significant to the universe. but i am significant to certain people. and most importantly i am significant to myself. i mean is the universe gonna pay for my groceries? i don’t live to stand by a ruler everyday measuring my worth to society or some people i never even met. if the world says i’m not worthy of living i’ll flip it off and keep doodling karkats because goddamn do i love doing it and i love being happy

#homestuck #kas.txt #sorry it doesn't make sense after some point i'm really not that good at writing

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reddeaddenial · 6 years ago

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A, G, and S for the boiiisssszzz (I'm sorry if its long setdfyguhij)

Nonono dont apologize, i loooove answering long questions like this! It really makes me think about my ocs and helps develop them more!

ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

A: Aptitude1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

Nick has always had very quick reflexes. They most likely developed while he was pushing himself to get stronger when he was recovering from his childhood illness. Or maybe they were there all along and he finally had a healthy body to show for it. This of course carried over into him quickly being able to point and shoot, engage quickly with enemies. He’s got terrific aim, but that’s something he’s practiced with over the years.

Leo is just… Leo. He understands and learns very quickly even from a young age. He learned to read very well early in life and impressed his tutors with his quick knowledge of math. He just retains everything like a sponge. Buuut he comes off simple because of his lack of understanding of social interactions. But i think the most natural ability he has is his way of thinking strategically. He’s been beating his brothers at chess for yeaaars lol And he’s been a massive help to his old gang leader when helping plan out robberies.

Theo is a natural charmer. he’s been able to tell since he could talk who and what he can get away with by reading the situation in a room. That only got better the older he got. He became the trio’s negotiator for most things. Hell surprisingly he’s the one that knows more than one language!

2. what activities have they participated in?

I’m not really sure what this is defining as activities. So I’ll just go with the RDR2 theme of it. Target contests for sure wit Nick, I bet he’s one quite a bit of cash at those. Leo has gone and done several horse races and hasn’t done too bad there. Theo on multiple occasions has gotten an entire saloon shitfaced and basically they become big parties and everyone having a great time and Theo is gettin’ the juiciest gossip about new places and stores to rob. >:3

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

Nick it’s his aim. Before the outlaw life, they were all pretty sheltered and weren’t around lots of guns and such, so while he had the natural reflexes of a gunslinger, he hadn’t the aim. that was built up over lots of hard work and determination to protect his brother. He became pretty adept at it roughly 3 years in. He had to be, for them to survive. He also had to work to learn to cook for him and his brothers. Living on the road, they didn’t know much about food. It was a lot of trial and error, lots of food poisoning lol But now hes the best cook among the three, which isnt saying too much, but he at least knows how to season venison lol.

Leo had definitely had to work with his ability to shoot a gun, or use weapons in general. He learned the gun out of necessity thanks to Nick’s coaxing, but he’s surprisingly more comfortable throwing axes than using guns lol. He’s just just honestly the most uneasy around guns because of the business they had with their dad and the trio shooting him, even if it was on accident.

Theo had to work a lot with his knife throwing and just knives in general. He’;s got a lot of visible scars littered about his hands from a lot of failed attempts from some bullshit or another. But he’s gun a lot of dumb luck, like he’d throw a knife at an enemy and the handle hits the man instead of the blade. BUT he hit it so hard and in the back of the head, the guy goes unconscious instead lol

4. what things are they bad at?

Lol Oh man, so much. Like mentioned before, the other two boys cant cook for shit. They gotta live off of canned food or leftovers if Nick’s not around. Nick can’t patch up his own clothes, he sucks at sewing, just gets confused at what he’s looking at, one time he sewed the sleeve of his shirt completely shut, that had Theo and Leo in hysterics at his own expense. Leo as we know isn’t good with communicating well with others. He either comes off stupid or arrogant to strangers, neither is a good scenario. Theo in particular, sucks at stakeouts, or just waiting around doing nothing, he gets very fidgety and wants to talk. So he’s been forced to find ways to entertain himself with like a book or playing cats cradle

5. what is their most impressive talent?

For Nick it’s definitely his gunslinging. He’s quite proud of how well he can shoot.

For Theo, probably his medical work. He’s very quick and knows where to cute, and get you nice and buzzed on booze so it’s not too bad. He’s gone as so quickly to remove a bullet, sanitize, stitch and wrap a wound in less than ten minutes, he’s got it down to an art, it’s like removing a splinter to him lol

Leo it would be his brilliant plans. Like he may be quiet, but he is the most sly and creative of the group. I won’t go in too much detail cuz I have some great ideas he’s gonna implement in future chapters. But his brain is gonna have people go ‘well shit why havent we thought of that sooner?’ >:3c

G: Gorgeous

1. what is their most attractive external feature?

The twins like to tease that it’s Nick’s babyface and blonde hair. He just scowls and yanks them down into a headlock lmao. But honestly all the boys got those pretty ‘Teale Green’ eyes, that draw people in.

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

Theo’s is his humor and empathy with others. Leo’s is… well I guess some people would be into the quiet listener type? Nick well… honestly he’s a bit prickly but he has some good morals underneath all that. I think the best part of his personality is standing up and protecting others I suppose. :p

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

Oh boy well basically you get the infinite protection of these three. They’re loyal to a fault and will back you up in any situation. When they bond to people, it’s family. And you treat family right. Of course with that, you gotta put up with Theo’s shenanigans, Leo desperately wanting someone else to thrash at chess, and Nick’s paranoid grumpy ass. But they’re good boys who treat their friends right. ;w;

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

Theo hates that he cares too much about what people think, he can be easily antagonized sometimes because of it. He also has his moments where he just gets into this depressive spiral about how they’ve turned into murderers and thieves and his brothers gotta shake him outa it. He does like how tall he is though, it impresses the ladies and works for a good intimidation tactic :p Leo sometimes hates how identical he and Theo are, because people mistake him for Theo and get weird about how different and quiet he acts, he gets very self conscious about it some days, but hes usually ok. But in the same thought process, its something that he also likes about himself that he and Theo are identical. Idk its a bit of a crisis for him lol

Nick has some Arthur Moods™ when it comes to himself. He looks younger and smaller compared to his brothers some days, he hates the scar on his nose, reminds him of his dear ol dad who put it there, gets kinda self conscious about it too. One thing he suppose he likes about himself is his hair. Little secret, but he keeps good care of that shit, keep it nice and soft, will sometimes tie it back too. The twins tease him on occasion but not too much, else he’ll hide it all under a hat lol

5. what parts of others do they envy?

Nick of course envies his brother’s heights a lot, envies anyone who’s taller than him really. He also just envies people who can just be so carefree even in the darkest of time. He just hyperfixates on the worst a lot.

Theo envies Nick’s ability to shoot and hunt. They’re useful skills to have as an outlaw that he just hasn’t mastered too well. But at least he’s got his knives! :) Leo envies anyone who can just speak their mind to others so easily. How can they condense all their thoughts into just a few sentences? How do they flawlessly move through unspoken social etiquette? It’s a mystery Leo wishes one day he too will understand.

S: Streets1. are they street-smart?

They definitely weren’t at first! Sheltered boys practically caged up on their father’s property, only learning about the real world after they shot the man? Yeah they had a lot of learning to do and they learned through a lot of mistake son their part. But ten years have come and gone and they’re definitely a lot more street smart now.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

Probably, they know how that life is like. That first year on their own was very rough on them and they sympathize with the normal poor citizens having more morals than themselves to not go robbing people like they did.

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

Oh definitely! Sometime Theo’s placating nature just riles up people more and shit happens. But he’s got his brothers to back him up. Also on that note, someone trying to mess with Nick and Nick being the unsociable cactus that he is, makes things worse. Next thing you know, someone pulls out a knife and Nick’s curb stomping the guy who called him girly. Y’know, shit happens. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

Lmao see above.

5. are they cautious when out?

They’re always cautious thanks to Nick’s incessant lectures about watching their backs and always being aware of the law.

#this was so fun omg #cometoceantrenches #ask #teale brothers #teale lore

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rjastor-blog · 7 years ago

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hey it’s dani (again, ahem, celine’s mun). i am bringing forth another character and i hope you guys like him !!! he’s a little reincarnation of an old character but also brand new. he’s also a sort of experimentation in the kind of characters i want to start writing more of so bare with me !!! moving forward, everything about him is under the cut:

daniel sharman - richard jay astor is twenty-seven years old. he lives in athens as a lobbyist. his family says that he is scholarly, but they also say he is machiavellian. rumor has it that he is hiding his participation in the murder of a political figure.

first thing’s first: a LOBBYIST is not someone who handles a hotel lobby ( idk why anyone would think that but i first heard the term that’s what i thought lol ). anyways, a lobbyist by google definition is: a person who takes part in an organized attempt to influence legislators.

richard is a political lobbyist. meaning he’s hired to persuade. it’s a simple way of putting it. he brings deals together, he makes them desirable for the opposite party and vice versa.

by twenty-seven, jay (he goes by jay) is already very wealthy. and he loves it. he loves showering himself in the luxuries he didn’t have as a child. he’s a very materialist person. drives a bentley, dresses sharp, smells like a mixture of mints and expensive cologne.

he was born american but lived all over europe since the age of ten !! so yeah, he has daniel’s accent. he knows six languages ( german, spanish, korean, dutch, french and english ) and learning. he came back to america to finish his degree and get his license, did a bit of studying at oxford, and basically he’s a really smart guy.

he’s also fake as hell. he smiles all the time but it doesn’t reach his eyes. if you don’t benefit him, he doesn’t care about you. but he doesn’t tell you that to your face unless necessary.

he’s always three steps ahead of you. he doesn’t trust people and people don’t trust him. which good. don’t trust him, you don’t know if you’re another piece in his political games or if you’re just around for him to use you until he’s done.

ANYWAYS, the MURDER. okay so, his parents are dead. his mother died from an illness and his dad died in a fight. because he was too young to claim their estate when they perished and there weren’t any legal documents signed that it belonged to him; his dad’s sister took the land. she’s a vile woman, she was always cruel to jay’s mom. frankly, she was also the reason she got sick (i’l write a self para later, i don’t want to bore you guys right now) and she took EVERYTHING from jay.

so jay was without nothing. he was from nowhere after that. alone with distant family friends but that didn’t work out well either. he was ALL ALONE but driven by revenge, he managed to get out from the rubble and become who he is now. he’s done A LOT of bad things but they all got him where he is now.

MURDER RIGHT, the murder of the political figure was, you guessed it, his aunt. she was actually wanted dead by a private party. they needed her out of the game if they wanted to proceed with their plans. (oil stuff and illegal stuff) AND of course, a lobbyist was needed. they wanted to set up a trap. jay knew about this plan (three steps ahead) and wanted to be part of it. no questions asked. he was going to see the woman who took everything from him, she’ll be the LAST thing she sees before she’s dead. (i’ll also write a self para about this, i don’t want to write it all in the intro)

ANYWAYS the estate is here in georgia, he bought it the moment it went on sale. since her last living kin (her son) lives with his dad (a problem perhaps? who knows) and they didn’t want the estate. they prefer living in the city. but yeah, jay bought it. it’s on the outskirts but he...can’t move there yet. not until the murder blows over and simply because after 17 years, it’s hard.

the murder happened in new york btw. um yeah so he has an apartment in athens, very fancy. the good stuff. okay the end.

small points:

smokes menthol cigarettes

collects art, expensive art

doesn’t sleep around

he uses sex as a tool when need be

but tbh he’s probably lowkey demisexual

loved a girl once, thought it was love, never again

still checks up on her via online though

owns too many guns

doesn’t have friends, except like two.

i will put up wanted connections for those lmao

#anyways hmu if u wanna plot with this Tool !!!#athensintro

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mouldyinlondon · 6 years ago

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first post!

after fucking around with the editing of custom themes that was made ever so difficult by the tumblr theme, i think im finally done setting up my blog and its theme! i might try to mess around with the html a bit to insert a pic in the header or smth eventually or change the background, but ive been fighting with this website for like an hour and a half now and i am t i r e d.

who are u!

i’m camille! im 19, an aries and a white queer cis girl (she/her). i have a boyfriend that i luv very dearly and i’m from québec! my university is in ontario and it’s bilingual, as am i (my first language is french, and yes, i do have the french canadian accent, if you’re wondering). i am double majoring art and art history and i love it a lot! i’d love to specialize myself in english medieval history, especially in the fields of christian iconography and hagiography.

so, what is this blog?

this blog will be used to document my student exchange in london and the trip to the uk i will make preceeding that exchange. i’ll also document a bit of the process of applying for the exchange, bc it is quite a long one indeed!!!! i’ve been working on it since last semester and it honestly took a lot more time than i expected, especially because i have to make a preliminary schedule and some uni websites are especially hard to navigate. i might also talk about the planning that’ll go into the trip my boyfriend and i want to have before my semester.

what am i gonna do?

-travel across the uk with my boyfriend

-then study during the fall semester of 2019 in london in history

what’s the plan?

basically, i have quite a bit of money put aside for the trip and the exchange. i will continue to work this summer (im already pretty much guaranteed to have one, but it’s a haunted walk tour guide job and, although my hourly salary is quite good, i have very few hours; ill have to find another job if the one i have at the moment is only seasonal). then, in early august, my boyfriend and i will leave canada together and travel all across the uk. i have already traveled with him to his homecity (manchester, uk) and it was absolutely lovely! we’ll spend around a month/a month and a half traveling together and i’m pretty sure it’ll go extremely well, as our last trip did. we traveled pretty early on in our relationship, so i feel like after around 2 years and a half of dating, this trip will be even better than the first!

after the trip, my boyfriend will go see his family in manchester and go back home to canada. i, on the other hand, will be staying in europe. the university i will attend for the semester is the queen mary university of london. the semester there starts on september 16th, so idk if there’ll be some introductory activities or when i can start living on campus. i might just travel on my own or go see some family friends in france if i have to wait around. all i know is that it’ll be quite lonely. then, i’ll go back to london and try my best to have a great semester.

obstacles

there are a few obstacles that i’ll have to face to first of all be accepted but also to live there. first, there is the language barrier, which i dont think should be too much of an issue but??? who knows???

my first language is french and the accent in english that im used to is like the most basic, neutral, slightly canadian accent. anyone who deviates from that, i might have a hard time understanding. also, handing in essays in english is a bit scary. ive done it before, as my university is bilingual and i attend french and english classes, but it still makes my work a bit longer to do and my english doesnt have the same quality as my french. it also makes the process longer since i have to write my motivation letter in the language of the university ill be attending (so english) and i have to PROVE that i can speak/understand/write english....i mean i get the incentive but also....anyway, i can just basically show ive had more than a B+ in a class in english and it counts as a proof. good thing 3/5 of my classes were only available in english i guess.

also, my university does exchange programs in a way that you have three choices of university and depending on your gpa and your motivation letter, they give you either your first, second or third choice. my three choices are:

-queen mary university of london

-royal holloway university of london

-reading university

of course, reading was a filler. i would have wanted to put manchester as a choice instead, but the choice wasnt available for my program. i have a pretty high gpa (so far i have 3 A+ and 1 A, waiting for my last grade) and im trying to writing the best motivation letter that i can. ill have to upkeep my gpa to be able to participate in the exchange so fingers crossed???

where are you now in the process?

not many things are left for me to do for the application, and that’s perfect because i have until the 22nd to send in my finished application form (and we are the 9th, and my term has started). there are other things to take care off AFTER the application (like some meetings and obviously doing my schedule and booking my dorm room) but im not there mentally now,,, its a bit discourageing when i know how much work ill have during the term lmao.

so NOW what i have left is:

-receiving my last grade from last semester so i can enter my gpa and a copy of my grades’ summary

-take a picture of myself in front of a white background (lowkey waiting to get a haircut for that)

-i had to prepare schedules for each school with like what classes id be attending. i have to get approved my first school choice by my “department counsellor”. that was very unclear so i basically sent a message to two people + my department so like démerdez-vous lmao. when i get the schedule approved, i’m pretty much gucci!

-also my bf and i have to figure out the whole trip, but we’ll prolly start planning in april, after finals and when we have most of the money we want/know what kind of income we’ll be making this summer

-finally, ill miss everyone, especially my boyfriend...itll feel a bit lonely so i rly wanna keep busy so i dnt get too mopey. i always told myself i wouldnt stop myself from going away even if i had a significant other and i wanna stay true to that but it doesn’t mean it wont hurt...i know we’ll last for very long tho so this is just a few months out of many many more and we can withstand it for sure!

so that was a rly big post!!! had fun writing this and im excited to see what’ll happen! i should know if i’m approved in around march, so i’ll probably not update this blog a lot until then... can’t wait to be able to update it with lotsa good news, hopefully!

-camille

#preparation #personal #studyblr #student exchange

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emilnikos · 4 years ago

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I'm team spice let's goooooo

#team spice #art fight #idk how much ill get done bc of. depression and not being at home BUT!!! i really wanna participate this year bc. hh

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years ago

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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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