#idk if anyone's around rn but ... here i am ... the latest

[superfluouskeys]

wip wednesday! (it is thursday)

Thank you so much @thevikingwoman for the tag!! As is becoming custom I am here to drop some nonsense from before school beat me with a stick. Idk how close ghost of you part 3 is to being done because I'm pretty sure it's gonna end up having a part 4 LOL, but here is the beginning!

I'm not gonna tag anyone rn bc I lack the brain capacity but pls feel free to share and pretend I tagged you! It's wip wednesday-thursday ♥

--

Moiraine always had a knack for compartmentalizing.  She never thought much about it, really, it was just the way her mind worked.  She was like her father, who could love his family one day and very nearly forget they existed the next, because he was so involved in his latest project that he had simply…tucked them safely away somewhere, to be loved properly at a more convenient time.

Anvaere’s mind does not work the same way, and nor did their mother’s.  For them, Father’s occasional abandonment seeped into everything around it, the proverbial fruit of the poisonous tree.  By their estimation, he did not get to love them one day and leave them the next, and in retrospect, Moiraine supposes she can understand that.

In practice it was rather miserable, though.  Anvaere moped, while their mother made a hobby of building resentment.

Moiraine considers in passing that she’s doing a rather magnificent job of encompassing both of her family’s tried and true traditions in her misery, hiding herself away most of the time, but still managing to make the whole place intolerable when she is present.

It would be much easier, she thinks, if Lan would just leave her alone.  Neither Verrin nor Adeleas has any desire for Moiraine’s company—and rightly so.  They are perfectly happy to aid their sister in her time of need without demanding the wretched details.  One doesn’t hear much about women being stilled, but then again, one doesn’t need to.  The mention alone is chilling.  They understand even without any comparable experience.

But Lan keeps on knocking at her door, keeps inviting her to meals, inviting her on walks, inviting her to do anything, anything at all, anything she wants, and she doesn’t know how to tell him that there is nothing she wants anymore, and there never can be.

She tells herself it is something of a relief to be free of the notion that she might set herself right again.  It would have been a colossal waste of time.  Better to be done with it now and move onto what is important.  After all, she herself hardly matters.  She let Rand go because she’d thought the matter was done with, but she realized quickly that it wasn’t, and now she needs to ascertain what will come next.

It’s something to occupy her mind, but there’s no joy in chasing down the mystery.  Her days are filled with dead ends and tiresome visitors who overplay their hands.  They misjudge Moiraine because the way to determine how much leverage one holds is to guess what the other person wants, what the other person cares for, and they do not understand that Moiraine wants nothing and cares for nothing.

In all their years traveling together, Lan has never once snapped at her like that.  There was a time when it would have brought her a sick sort of delight.  She used to try all the time to get a rise out of him, to make him lash out at her so she could feel justified cutting him off.  She’d never had someone so steady in her life, and it confused and frightened her.

His outburst reaches her, in a way.  She realizes she can’t go on like this hoping he’ll eventually stop trying.  She resolves to leave under cover of night, hoping at least that he is angry enough with her not to notice her missing right away.

She hadn’t counted on three Fades.  One, perhaps, if she were very unlucky.  But Moiraine herself is not particularly important, and certainly not at the moment.  She led the Dragon to the Eye of the World, yes, but it’s not as though the Dark didn’t get something out of that.  By all accounts she should be less than nothing now.  An Aes Sedai who cannot channel?  Who has no Warder, no family, no friends left to look out for her?

With a terrible lurching sensation, suddenly Moiraine is in two places at once.  She is here and not here, lying on the ground outside Verrin’s estate and back at the Eye of the World, and somehow, Lan has found her yet again.  He finds her without the bond, without magic, without anything to guide him.  Moiraine feels more than she’s felt in months.  She feels angry, and relieved, and devastated.  He can’t be here.  They cannot keep doing this.

If Moiraine is still a target, then she has to get Lan away from her.  She can’t keep him safe like this, and he’ll die trying to protect her because it’s what he’s sworn to do.  She doesn’t know what she’s been doing up until now, hoping he’d tire of her coldness and drift away on his own.  It was selfish of her.  She didn’t want to strike the killing blow, make him really hate her, make the split impossible to reconcile.

But what would be really, unforgivably selfish would be to keep him around when she knows it will get him killed.  It would be a senseless death, defending something that’s no longer worth the price.

Necessity doesn’t make the burden any easier to bear.

[therosevest]

not to sit here and weave a story out of nothing like a little protagonist via my quirky online storytelling but i rekindled my friendship with sam who is such an interesting person there are just a lot of stories of all sorts and this is funny timing but truly we just fell into such an easy banter this past class so we were like omg lets hang right so. his roommate really is just like stupid hot right. i could get corny with it but i wont. a face sculpted by the hands of god though. all this prefaced i will now tell u an absolutely nothing story and i really mean that read at your own discretion ((A/N: trust and believe i yapped. putting under keep reading to be somewhat forgivable) (i am not in my best of states rn. okay.)

anyway so we're chillin in sams room im getting caught up on the latest construction projects and shit.. one thing abt sam hes always up to something. they've got an entire work desk #butchrealness. then i hear some singing out in the hallway but from where im sitting cant actually see anyone so convo just goes sam and roommate 'hey' 'hey' and then i peeked my little head out and waved and said hey and they stopped and set down their basket and said 'Hey' and then i did not introduce myself (flop) (combo of cramped room and sam talking and me being wildly awkward) (also keep in mind i dont know if this person has swiped left on me or not been on tinder or if theyd even recognize me anyway and hating that that's even a situation bc i hate that stupid app but just hoping worst case scenario i dont come off as an insane stalker but rather a victim of circumstance) but they just chatted for a sec abt whatever shelf sam needs to fix and that was that. and then they went back to humming which was cute or whatever

to set the next scene we're down in the kitchen and sams cooking and this is a while after we took his homemade gummies so im not rlly high per se but chillin and something about the noise and setup in their kitchen is so overstimulating for me lol when shes cooking im just like frozen. i always offer to help but he always just gets in a groove it's best i dont intervene. one time he had to tell me to go sit down in the other room bc i was freakin out a little lol

so im perched on this single high chair they have in the kitchen right next to their washer and dryer as sams whipping up some food and im kind of obnoxiously saying Unfortch in response to a story he was telling me and he gives me a look so im like UnfortunateLy. and then hes like 'psh i know unfortch i live with this guy' cue roommate strollin in with laundry and theyre just like Whaat and sam explains and theyre like Oh ofc you gotta know unfortch or whatever. forgot to mention that earlier in sams room they said three similar abbreviated words in a row just during a normal sentence and it caught me so off guard i wanted to giggle. so naturally my brain is going through Immediate social response of a semi awk laugh or quippy remark about that but also theyre literally like a foot away from me and im largely nonverbal atm lmfaoo so i just mumble smth to try and go along w the bit but then trailed off cause i was like wtf am i even saying. brain was overloaded

and then i was like um. i literally was just staring around doing fuck all like a perched bird or something but i was fighting a war in my mind of like ok do i introduce myself or look to sam to do so or do we not do that or is that rude idk but also they have headphones on one ear and are doing all their laundry shit and i once again dont want to be like overbearing but also well come on now we gotta feel out the vibe (and i do a great job here.) idk so im like Ok dont just look at them but dont Not look at them just behave like a normal person. you know. the usual. sam comes over to give me a bit of bread with balsamic vinegar and oil and i spilled it on my sweater fuck this stupid baka life (didnt really show. but still they were right there..)

and so after a min of this they were kinda like awkward laugh 'dont mind me' and i once again was very self conscious and had several things that wanted to come out 'not at all' 'dont mind me' 'it's your house' 'these all sound awful abby' then i got anxious that i was in the way the whole time but they were almost done and if i got into a weird apology thing well i would have had to kill myself so i just once again kind of uttered something that would have sounded like 'youresogoodicanmovetoo' and also 'sorry if i just keep like looking over at you' WTF IS THAT SHIT. FUMBLE BOOOOO and my follow up was essentially nothing cause i couldnt decide if i should say 'im just a bit out of it/high' 'im easily distracted (kys)' 'idk what to do w myself haha' 'im useless in the kitchen' (not entirely true) i mean just a few minutes before sam and i had talked about how ill just wander around peoples rooms and observe things to avoid feeling awkward and it's just how i am and so i was kinda just doing that due to the nerves of the sitch but there was only so much to look at. and i just sat there. offputting realness. whatever. so. straight face emoji. and that was mostly the extent of that i dont remember what they said in response just like a lil laugh or w/e. probably couldnt hear my stupid ass mumbling. so im thinking my chances of charming them at all are really stellar

if you read all this i want you to just take note that the events depicted here could not have been more than 3-4 minutes collectively. and yet the yap goes on..

for future reference, what did we learn? probably best to just continue convo with sam, excuse urself to br, or perhaps even attempt a conversation w them if ever in a similar situation again and they talk to you first again. also stop inventing complicated situations in ur head chill the hell out. idiot. says the bitch with the anxiety disorder. feel free to egg me on or tell me to fuck off ok xoxoxoxxo love u

[mostly-delusional]

I tried posting this shit like 3 fucking times but tumblr just won't go through with it so i had to make a whole ass separate post sorry 😭 this is in continuation to this post (for those who have no clue what I'm talking about) @abla-soso

yes, as it so happens, i am considerably new to the fandom. which is probably why i haven't seen the side of it you're referring to. and yet i still stand by my initial point of not throwing around words at random. you can't go around calling anyone a misogynist just because the fandom overall is shitty. you can't go around calling me a misogynist even tho I haven't ever participated in any of the stuff you mentioned above (idk why the fuck do i have to defend myself lmao but apparently i do).

the post this all started with was simply a meme referencing a scene from the latest episode. there are a thousand ways you could've taken it instead of straight up assuming I'm a raging women-hater lol. and then you mentioned another one of my posts where I called her misinterpretation a foolish mistake, again assuming the same thing.

"if the king's words are law [...] then Alicent would have been obligated to respect the king's dying words".

are you fr rn? 😭 "blaming a woman for what men did?" did you not read what i wrote? or maybe you just couldn't be bothered to understand? or maybe you would rather pick and choose and come to conclusions based on whatever conveniently furthers your own rigid opinion of me? not once did i throw all blame on alicent's shoulders. not once did i say she was the only one responsible for the events that went down. what i did say was that she was complicit in the act (which, according to the dictionary, does not equal to me saying she is the only one to blame).

"Otto is the fucking snake who schemed for decades to usurp the throne (the prophecy is fucking irrelevant to his plans). Viserys is the fucking dumb bitch who never undermined his daughter's claim by having legitimate sons and not bothering to codify her claim through a binding legalised law (giving any lord the legal justification to dismiss Rhaenyra's claim). Amond was the irresponsible brat who charged at Rhaenyra's brat and killed (being the actual one who kick started the violence)."

bro where did i excuse or defend any of the men you mentioned above? otto is a piece of shit and i won't bother talking about him (will agree with you about him being the mastermind of the entire usurping and the one behind all of alicent's suffering).

i multiple times agreed with you about viserys being a shitty father/husband and you still somehow think I'm defending him. so I'll state it here again to appease you: viserys was a shitty father to every single one of his children. he sidelined his own fucking daughter because all he wanted was a son. which led to his wife losing five of her children: one dead in the cradle, two stillbirths, two miscarriages. aemma was forced to have children over and over again despite everything she went through as a result of those pregnancies. and that bitch of a man killed his wife (there's no other way I'm going to interpret that scene), had her cut open just so he could have the son he always wanted (even tho aemma kept insisting she was scared and she wanted them to just fucking stop). he only named rhaenyra heir because daemon was too rash and impulsive for the task and there was no other better option. he considered marrying a literal fucking child only to turn around and marry a slightly older child. alicent was manipulated and disgustingly pushed into a marriage (by her greedy dick of a father) with a man who was decades older than her (not saying viserys was resistant to the marriage before you go ahead and call me shit for that too). she was maritally raped, forced to have children when she herself was a child. then comes aegon. viserys had the son he always wanted. and although he had already named rhaenyra his heir, he should have been there for his children. he should've played a role in their upbringing. instead he was— like you mentioned earlier— a deadbeat father. he couldn't be bothered to pay attention to the things happening right under his nose. he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge and do something about the resentment festering between rhaenyra, alicent, and their children. he was downright horrendous for a lot of shit that he did. nobody is fucking defending that. i'm not defending that.

you're right about aemond and I'll agree with you on that. him killing luke was one of the major reasons behind the dance and why everything went down to shit so quick.

i had no fucking idea that if i don't explicitly mention how i hate every man in the show and say that they were a piece of shit every time i talk about alicent, I'll be labelled all kinds of stuff. but there you go. does that make you feel better?

i said all that and i will still stand by the fact that alicent was complicit in the entire plan. she was a part of it. most of what i said was centred around alicent because that's who my original post was about and that's who we were talking about.

and i knew you'd make the "she was protecting her children argument". to that I would say: so was rhaenyra. alicent never left an opportunity to call rhaenyra's children bastards. she instilled hatred for luke and jace in her son's minds for years. to the point where aemond almost bashed one of their heads in, leading him (aemond) to lose an eye. yeah, she was protecting her children when she let aegon bully aemond to no end, so long as it didn't happen within public eye. yeah, she was protecting her children by completely ignoring her rapist of a son (I'm sure you have some kind of explanation for that too). she was being protective of her children when she spread rumours about the legitimacy of rhaenyra's children. it was only out of protectiveness over her children that she shamed and ridiculed rhaenyra for years. it couldn't have possibly been anything else. sure. (I'm never going to be convinced her attitude towards rhaenyra was solely a result of her fear for her children).

"her snake of a father convinced her they'll be killed for merely existing as potential rivals to Rhaenyra's claim"

that was the same argument used by the greens as an explanation for why rhaenyra and her children had to die. since they so graciously placed aegon's ass on the throne, it was only reasonable to kill rhaenyra and all her children because they were the biggest contenders for the throne and had a rightful claim to it. right. this was the same argument alicent used to ingrain resentment towards jace and luke in her son's mind.

and yes, she is also responsible for starting the war (as most of the characters are, in one way or another). because— might come as a shock to you— alicent went along with everything her family was planning. she is not as innocent as you want her to be but that's not a conversation you're willing to have (again, because apparantly everything has to be explicitly stated, I'm not saying she's the only one who's ever done anything wrong in her life. every single character on the show has done some or other awful shit. neither side is completely innocent. but alicent is the one I'm particularly talking about in this post). you're so adamant about alicent being oh so innocent and saintly that you're taking away all kinds of nuance, complexity, and moral ambiguity from her and turning her into some kind of mary sue with absolutely no fucking agency. because— "this might blow your mind"— but having trauma doesn't absolve someone from being wrong or making mistakes or facing the consequences of their own conscious fucking actions. there's only so much about someone that you can excuse using their past suffering. there has to come a point where a character needs to be held accountable for their actions and choices instead of justifying all of it in the name of trauma. but that's clearly not something you're ready to talk about.

I'm sure you'll still manage to pick something up from what i said and turn around and say "look!! misogyny!! you're a disgusting piece of shit!!" because apparently saying anything negative about a female character is a heinous crime. female characters aren't supposed to be morally corrupt. they aren't supposed to be wrong. they are only two dimensional. they can't have depth. they're all fucking mary sues.

this is the last time I'm adding anything to this argument conversation because we'll start going around in circles after a certain point and the whole thing will be pointless. so whatever opinion you hold of me after reading all of it is going to be your problem.

(also,,, I'm sorry if my tone offended you, i wasn't trying to be condescending or anything, i was just too goddamn pissed when i wrote this. have a good day <33)

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

[doecrowned]

      i’m an entire day late but i’m finally getting to my intros ... yesterday just wasn’t my day but hello lovelies, i’m lo, or lola, 9teen and stressing in gmt+1, i’ve got two babies here, elia martell, princess of dorne who does already have an intro ( here ) from a lil while back though i do plan on updating it at some point as some aspects have changed!  though she’s still the honourable, cunning yet kind, queer namesake of the late elia martell .... on the other side of the coin is this girly right here, myranda baratheon, great/grand-daughter of arya and gendry ( whom myra loves very much ) who i’ll be getting into down below but before i do ... pls come plot with us, i’ll leave some connections at the end of this but i give everyone permission to attack my im’s or message me on discord @ #3454 about anything & everything from plots and connections to just asoiaf.. i’m 100% down ♡

( marina moschen / 19 / cisfemale ) → there has been whispers around the keep that MYRANDA BARATHEON, the LADY of THE STORMLANDS has been spotted. everyone knows she can be very WAYWARD, but some may know that she can be BENEVOLENT & ASPIRING. she has pledged her alligence to HOUSE BARATHEON & STARK , i wonder how long she’ll last in the capital ? 

firstly she absolutely adores her grandparents/great-grandparents, trust a day won’t go by without myranda having dropped arya and gendry into a conversation somehow, she’s so immensely proud of her lineage, always seen beaming at the mere concept of her being a descendant of the great ‘storm queen’ … she just loves being a baratheon so much advjsdk

her parents on the other hand, truly wanted to make a little lady out of myranda, have her be the perfect little girl who’d grow up to marry well and charm the royal court because that’s how she graced the world, a doe-eyed, sweet tempered girl.

she started off as an incredibly gentle soul, who was both benevolent and obedient but aged 8, things began to change and myranda took a keen interest in activities considered less ‘lady-like’ by westerosi society, she began riding more often than not, racing through the rocky terrain of the stormlands on her beloved friesian stallion named ‘orys’. it’s at this time, she also picked up a sword, training just as much as her brother did though mainly in her own time as her parents swore off the idea of myranda partaking in weapon training when really she should’ve been sat practising needlework. 

it’s from this that she’s grown such a rebellious streak, straying further from what’s expected of a lady such as herself with each passing day.

thus she tends to scoff in the face of tradition, myranda thoroughly believes its in her blood to do so, having been descended from arya stark, one of the most unconventional women to grace the land of westeros and her husband, gendry baratheon, a once-bastard who rose up from a title that was so looked down upon to claim all that his family have now. she believes in more than being a chaste young lady, entering a betrothal found for her by others and living out the rest of her days as a dutiful wife, producing heirs until she can longer do so… she’d rather be playing an active role in shaping the future of westeros, the world that she’ll be living in, and hopefully ruling over in the future.

you’ll often find her running through the forest, or through storm’s end, along the cliff’s edge, bare foot and in a dress that is beyond inappropriate for that particular activity… it’ll often be a long, floaty thing, myranda having let her hair down and allowed the sea spray to drench her before returning home to a chorus of tsking from all her maids.

she adores her homeland and is honestly quite upset to be leaving it to go to the capital however she finds it to be good practise as one of her dreams is to travel, to essos and to each and every corner of westeros, feeling she’s had a pretty sheltered childhood growing up, having never travelled too far from the stormlands before really, no matter how many times she tried... 

despite her wild streak and the wolf blood running through her veins, as inherited from arya’s stark side of the family, myra is incredibly talented in deceiving people into thinking she’s the lady she really should be... all of her mother’s teachings and moanings didn’t go to waste ... trust, she knows how to act, speak and portray herself as the lady of storm’s end and the stormlands, i think she finds it entertaining to act in that way, to dress up and prance around like some women in westeros do. 

her allegiance lies with her house, and that of her stark family in the north, she’s not entirely, if at all, that devoted to the targaryens but again.. she play her part pretty damn convincingly. 

all in all, myra’s not entirely sure what she wants to do in life... she’s keen on the idea of becoming a sellsword or perhaps a member of the small council, though at present... her sole task at hand is swaying conversation away from any potential betrothals coming her way as she understands her hand in marriage is a well desired objective of several noble families. 

overall though !!!! myranda is an incredibly chill young girl, who will 100% fight you, physically or just through sharp-tongued quips and japes which all come from an incredibly gentle and warm heart. she’s got the best of intentions and just wants to enjoy life to its fullest, taking advantage of all it has to offer. 

that’s all i’ve got for now, but onto some specific connections... 

a potential betrothal, one in talks: it’s myranda’s worst nightmare to be promised to someone right now, there’s a sense of entrapment she feels is attached to betrothals and there’s still so much she wants to do and achieve in her life before she even begins to consider such a thing... i’d imagine it’s a pretty mutual feeling of discontent shared between both parties, enough that they could perhaps laugh over it when together but yeah, she wouldn’t touch on this topic with a 10ft pole unless forced to.

her first crush / love: this is just pure fluff ( a lil angst ) !!!!!!!! & very specific, so i’ll probably send it in but she had a massive crush on the kennel master’s son at storm’s end during her early teens. they used to train together in the yard, sparring with one another, riding and racing one another upon horseback, just being cute, soft friends who had feelings for one another but were always incredibly hesitant to act on those feelings. myranda’s very much asexual, having little sexual attraction there, instead just a pure emotional attachment. i imagine he went on to become a knight, kingsguard member, guard for house baratheon, idk but i think myra’s always held this character in very high regard and they undoubtedly hold a special place in her heart. 

gal pals: i’m just a sucker for women supporting women so any ladies who wanna group up whilst in the capital and have a little fun, cause a little chaos... hit myranda up bc she’s 100% there for that. 

^ even people that she could perhaps fight against, train against, ride/race against like... anyone up for a challenge, cute friendly or rival-esque sorta dynamics would be cool to see. 

again, that’s all i’ve got but pls hmu, either on here or over on discord, i’d be so incredibly happy to chat ♡

[daimonhalos]

Aight this is the second time I watch it but I'm gonna do a commentary on the latest bad's lore stream! Just for funsies, I might have honestly already forgotten some stuff so I wanna keep my thought process :3 let's go, commentary under the cut.

There's also some small theories/analysis in some points but nothing too much, just me rambling cause pain.

The pre stream song. Faster and Bad never change please.

I love so so so much the ominous soundtracks he puts as background for lore man it's just so coooool.

Reality check pre/post lore my beloved 💜

that little meh eh eh. is everything

he's just on a boat at night and but can already see he's got shaders on, this means PRETTY VISUALS AHEAD. Also i really like bits beginning with the character alone heading towards their destined direction, it's just pleasing

HIM TAKING DOWN ANTI EGG POSTERS. KING SHIT

Can't believe I got to hear "muffinhead" in lore voice.

Not even inside the room and HOLY SHIT they covered it all with the red bricks block IM AAAAH IT'S SO PRETTY. Like before the vines were all put at random but now they're neatly placed and it's actually aesthetically pleasing? I love it

DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR

The table. is . so. is so . it's so prebby,,, help like i'd live there man

Bad being overwhelmed by the egg's voice and lowkey scared. FINE IM FINE

No other choice. And the way he repeated it like a mantra? Kind of like to convince himself? AHHH

SKEPPY. SKEPP

small,, small egg staircase

haha fuckign pain. p a i n. just pain it sounds a lot like Skeppy before actually stayed with Bad cause it annoyed him how much he wanted to hang out like old times,,,,, my heart pangs

IM JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU

I CARE ABOUT YOU *passes out*

bad scared the egg is skeppy's bff now /j (have to joke through the pain,,)

BADBOY i swear to god he knows his audience. he just does.

Bad doing whatever he can to even just hang out a few minutes with skeppy. Bro, the tears inside

"I'm comfortable right here." "Skeppy I know you are-" THE WAY BAD'S VOICE BROKE HERE HOLY SHIT LEMME CLIP IT.

He talks to chat. HE TALKS TO CHAT THIS MEANS WE ARE CANON THUS we are either little angels or demons around him or a mix or, we're particles that make up Rat ♥

"All of this is for him" okay stab me next time it'll hurt less

BADBOY STARTING TO BE CONFLICTED BECAUSE HE NEVER HAS A FUCKING BREAK

s- w- skeppy kept the egg alive? okay so ive been thinking about the fact that skeppy became completely red and like wow what if it kinda is that hes literally become a small part of Egg? like, i wonder if someone breaks it, if he feels pain

Skeppy so dry with his responses. stop i will cry

bad. bad why are you bringing up selfies to a lore stream bad-

"why are you still talking to me" "okay..." stop stop PLEASE STOP-

smol growls, he's getting frustrated

idk why but skeppy talking about the perimeters made me laugh it was just funny how far away he was and just started talking about it randomly

"i think it looked a little bit better before" thoughts being thunk

"what's it gonna take for you to stop talking to me?" literally i am deceased s t o p

STOP STEPPIN ON THE MAGMA BLOCKS SIR YOU'RE HURTING

Bad shouldn't be so happy about just having "one last walk around" with skeppy so he "stops bothering" him tHIS HURTS SO MUCH the egg has fucked them up so much

Skeppy doesn't hear it huh? Maybe it whispers different things to everyone

"I like how it feels" nooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP HURTING TOURSELF

so no dance? *slams phone on the ground*

When skeppy says his line about never seeing anything close to a party there, idk what it is about it but his tone just hits, man he's so good preesh

HE CALLED HIM ANT. BAD PLS YOUR BEING BAD AT NAMES IS SHOWING

"Oh my goodness you're going back to the egg" HE'S SO SAD. HE'S SO SAD CAUSE HE COULDNT KEEP HIM WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT LONGER HES S

"you know what? i invite you" i wanna read this in a certain way. The egg was feeling like bad was so frustrated he started doubting the egg, so it was like alright let's use skeppy to get it closer to I can manipulate this bad boy better :)) motherfuck

are they about to kiss-

egg cockblocker

"okay don't come back" end me rn

ngl when sapnap joined I got real scared for a moment.

"it's not about power! it's nor about control! i'm you friend skeppy!" "I mean ... you can think that" FUCK U NO IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RN

"We're friends, right?"

"In your head we can be best friends, we can be whatever you want" BDI ANYONE??????? also whatever- whatever he wants? :eyes: okay sorry no ill see myself out

"We're m- we are friends sk-" M- MARRIED WAS HE GONNA SAY MARRIED DID HE PULL A QUACKITY OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GUY OH MY GOD /pos but also like in a bawling my eyes out way

the egg is more than just a friend? skep u good there pal do u have smth to tell us

"You don't know what it's like." OH HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES HERE IT COMES OH NO.

The way Bad stutters i really thought he was gonna say something REALLY IMPACTFUL

"I have done so much for you, for our friendship and now you're trying to tell me we're not friends anymore?" LEAVE ME ALONE

I JUST CAUGHT THE BLOOPER HE SAID ON ME INSTEAD OF HANG OUT WITH ME IM CRYING OH MY GOD BAD HOW DID U FUCK THAT UP oh my god I imagine him mentally going like oh my gosh out of all the things that could be messed up THAT WAS SO FUNNY

ahaha my dads are fighting help

"You think you've done anything? You seriously think that?" *looks at my fic where bad feels worthless because the egg said so* ahah... I'm sorry?

"You left me for a long, long long time before you even checked up on me, okay?" he's not wrong,,,, he's not wrong why does this hurt sm,,,,, "and now all of a sudden you care about me?" OH MY GOD PLEASE I HATE THIS EGG

I see them... i see them approaching the lava blocks..

"the past doesn't matter" the egg wanting to erase their relationship so much,,,, i wanna cry because then if bad doesn't have skeppy he just has nothing right and then,,, then he can be another empty vessel for the fucking egg I hate this mI hate this so much

Also!!! little things I noticed!! Bad taking away part of the vine and also mining a red block? Without being affected at all? MHHHH

"I just wanted us to hang out like we used to" BAD'S VOICE CRACKING AGAIN STOP I WILL CJRYSD

"I did all of this for you and I didn't want the egg to take that away" you see how fucking tragic this is. Like Skeppy sacrificed himself so his friend could stop being infected. Bad sacrificed literally the whole server himself included to get him back. And then it comes down to this. The egg separating them a thousand fucking miles away. I hate this it's so sad

the selfish bit please no stop

THE LAVA BAD THE LAVA PLEASE IT'S TOO CLOSE

the fucking shaking with rage thing got me BROOOO I LOVE WHEN BAD DOES THE LITTLE THINGS IN GAME

"IT'S JUST A STUPID EGG" FUCKING FINALLY YOU TELL HIM BAD but then oh no oh no would you look at that huh. cant fucking have shit in dsmp. the way he immediately just screams for him right after

YOU CAN HEAR THE TEARS IN HIS VOICE and also mine hi I'm sobbing again

BDI FUCKING CANON LET'S GOOOOOOO WE CALLED ITTTT

(Dreamscape?)Skeppy being actually concerned with him haha this doesn't hurt at all!!!

*stares at black screen* I'm fine.

Thank you for listening to my ramble I am hurting so much bestie

[kuiinncedes]

and you knew what it was

author’s note: i don’t know what the fuck this is i was bored at the beginning of my break lol and i wrote some stuff based on a prompt list and a random number generator that gave me “here, drink this. you’ll feel better” and it kinda like ,, grew ,, into a lot

i’ve been sitting on this first part pretty much completed for a while and i think i want to just post it and i have two other “parts” that are sorta connected and idk yeah lmao they’re in progress rn and hopefully i can finish them soon if i post this one i just feel kinda stuck rn :P anyway idk lol i like this part tho hopefully i don’t change anything massively in the other two that would have to change something here XD

basically 1539 words of shadowhunter!quinntina hurt/comfort (or an attempt at it) maybe like sort of warning for mention of death and injury tbh am i trying too hard to be a ya fantasy writer lmao

title from “you are in love” by taylor swift <3

as always lmk if anyone wants any shadowhunter things to be explained lol :P

***

“Here, drink this,” Tina says, voice shaky and quiet, unsure. “You’ll feel better.” She helps Quinn sit up a little and slowly drink the whole glass of… something.

Quinn wrinkles her nose at the aftertaste coating her tongue and throat. “What was that?” Her shoulders are propped up against her pillow, and she awkwardly tries to situate herself somewhat upright. 

Tina shrugs, setting the cup aside. “Something Mike whipped up. Said it should help your strength and energy a little?” She crosses her arms, lightly gripping the fabric of her shirt at her sides—hugging herself.

“Mike needs to add some sugar or something,” Quinn tries in a joking tone. Tina smiles slightly but won’t really make eye contact with her.

The room falls silent and Quinn watches Tina, recognizes the expression on her face, her defeated posture, her smaller, quiet demeanor. Her outfit—a lot darker than what she’s often in these days, when she’s not in black gear. 

And Quinn remembers a few months ago, when Mercedes had her own complicated encounter with demon poison. She remembers how Tina cares, how she loves, how beautifully, how much. 

“Hey,” she says softly, and Tina finally looks up to meet her eyes. “Mike and the Silent Brothers said I stand a good chance for full recovery, right? So no tears,” Quinn urges gently. 

Tina huffs a light laugh and wipes under her eyes. “No promises,” she says hoarsely. Quinn wiggles her fingers and Tina releases the hand clutching tightly at her side and obligingly takes Quinn’s, who squeezes reassuringly.

Tina keeps sniffling though, and it seems to be getting louder. She covers her mouth with her free hand when Quinn looks over and says quickly, “I’m sorry, I know, sorry, it’s Kurt’s turn to see you anyway, I should go—” and starts to untangle their fingers but Quinn holds fast, squeezing again and she looks into Tina’s tear-filled eyes. 

“Come here,” Quinn says quietly.

“What?”

“Help me lay down, then get in bed with me.”

Tina pauses. “Are you—I don’t know if—”

Quinn smirks a little, starting to push herself back into a horizontal position. “I’m the one who’s injured, and I’m cold and I need my girlfriend close to steal her warmth, okay?”

Tina swallows and nods a little, replies barely above a whisper, “Okay.”

Once Quinn is lying down comfortably, Tina climbs under the blanket, facing her. Quinn tucks a strand of black hair behind her ear, wiping some of Tina’s still-coming tears as she retracts her hand. 

Tina holds her wrist, lightly, almost only with the tips of her fingers, and presses a soft kiss to her palm. She lets out a slight chuckle. “Shouldn’t I be the one taking care of you?”

Her tone is lighthearted but bitter and Quinn brushes her fingers through Tina’s hair. Her eyelids flutter, half closed, and she releases a small, comforted breath.

“You’ve definitely already done a fair amount of taking care of me. And I’m fine,” Quinn assures, and she really is fine, aside from the fact that she just missed a few days being knocked out from the worst kind of demon poison and she’s still feeling the effects of that, probably will be for a while, but that’s getting out of her system now, and with its complete departure her strength (and ability to move without pain) should also return, if Silent Brother healing magic and knowledge is to be trusted. “On the other hand, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” And knowing Tina, it’s all too possible that she hasn’t.

Tina shrugs a little. “Maybe.”

“Do I need to call Kurt in here to tell me?”

“Fine,” Tina grumbles halfheartedly. “I haven’t.”

But do you blame me? is her unasked—and unanswered—question. 

(Quinn doesn’t.)

Quinn tilts her chin forward a little to kiss Tina’s nose gently. “Go to sleep,” she says.

“Here? I shouldn’t—Kurt wants to see you,” Tina starts and Quinn shushes her again.

“Yes, here. Kurt will live without it, he knows I’m okay.” And Quinn knows Kurt is okay, and presumably will understand Tina staying for longer if he’s been around her the past few days. 

She just hopes—knows, really—that Kurt has helped Tina, that they help each other. They’ve always been close on account of being the two who could always be found awake in the latest hours of night, talking to each other and recently, working on designs and drawings together.

But it’s still different right now, for these past few days, and Quinn thinks that if either of them slept at all, it wasn’t much. Especially Tina. Kurt had the parabatai bond’s assurance while Quinn’s been out. Tina had Kurt’s assurance, but it still couldn’t have been as good as knowing it herself. And at night, Kurt had the bond as an extra layer of assurance when he went to sleep, but Tina didn’t, and Quinn knows how Tina’s worry keeps her up sometimes, and how she sometimes chooses energy runes instead when she knows something is weighing on her mind too much for her to sleep.

“You need sleep, love,” Quinn whispers, and she feels the resistance fade from Tina’s body. She pulls her closer, tucking Tina’s head under her chin.

“I missed you,” Tina says with a small gasp, voice cracking a little in desperation. “I’m so sorry.” Quinn can feel her tears on her collarbone and she hates it—hates that she’s the reason Tina’s crying and she can’t do anything about it because she was unconscious and on the verge of death for three days and then the Silent Brothers kept people away for a few more and Tina didn’t know how she was for a week, and Quinn really just woke up again and she’s mostly fine and she feels fine but Tina hasn’t slept for days and Quinn understands.

“It’s not your fault. And I won’t ever leave you,” Quinn promises. 

“You can’t say that for sure.” 

“Shh,” Quinn breathes, thinking about both statements. Tina’s right, she can’t say it for sure, and she knows that. With their life and what they do every day, it’s the most unsure thing in the world. Even just a week ago, she could’ve died if the demon’s stinger had gone in a little higher, she could’ve died if there were any more of them left, she could’ve died if Tina wasn’t there. Tina could’ve died if Quinn wasn’t there. (Would have, a voice in the back of her head creeps in, less than a breath, and she suppresses the shiver that it brings.)

But if Quinn has any control over it at all, it will be true. She tells Tina as much. “I won’t leave you,” she says again, quietly but as vehemently as she can, and Tina relaxes a tiny bit in her arms. 

And then for the other thing. “And there’s no way it’s your fault, okay?”

“If I wasn’t so fucking careless, you would be fine—”

“You didn’t push me into a demon’s stinger, did you?” Quinn continues to run her fingers through Tina’s hair. “You didn’t take its poison and inject it into my body. And you were killing the other ones. We could both be dead if you weren’t, okay?” Her tone is more blunt than probably necessary and she brushes Tina’s temple slightly in apology.

Tina burrows her face deeper and Quinn knows she’s winning, if only because Tina’s tired. But she needs her to know…. “It would never be your fault,” Quinn whispers. “Ever. Tell me you know that.”

After a second, Tina nods. “Yeah,” she says in a small voice. “Okay.”

Quinn can tell Tina isn’t completely convinced, but it’s a conversation for another time, another day when Tina isn’t running on a ridiculously small amount of sleep and probably an unhealthy number of energy runes, and only just coming down from the emotional rollercoaster of the past week. 

Quinn presses a kiss to the top of Tina’s head. “Go to sleep, love,” she says again. 

“Wake me up if I hurt you,” Tina breathes, on the cusp of sleep. 

Quinn smiles, runs her hand up and down Tina’s arm. “You won’t,” she promises, voice hushed.

It’s a testament to just how exhausted Tina must be that her breathing evens out within a few seconds, and her body is still and loose from exhaustion, mind finally quieted, for now, close to Quinn and reassured, and Quinn continues to rub her girlfriend’s arm gently and thinks.

She thinks about the word she just used—twice, and for the first time. Not the first time in her head, but the first time out loud. But unlike countless other times when she’s questioned her decisions and even after so many that have hurt her, so many choices that have led her astray—led her heart astray… she knows it’s right this time. Now, here, in her room, in the Institute that changed her life for the better, her family within the building’s glamoured walls, next to the one person she would always want to be next to, she doesn’t need to question it. And she closes her eyes and follows Tina into a hopefully peaceful sleep.

[shaekingshitup]

Stay Grounded (Grindin Pt 2)

A/N: Writing this was a battle but I learned some things so it’s cool. Definitely don’t plan on anymore stories with these two. I don’t think I like Reader Inserts rn. But hey, he came back! If I told you I’d tag you and I didn’t I’m sorry. Idk a good method of actually keeping a taglist yet. D: This has been chillin in my drafts. Hopefully, you like it. Honestly, just thanks for reading! 💕

Word Count: 3.8k-ish but I swear it feels like 500 plot wise

Part 1

“Thanks Paul. I’ll see you next week,” you said as you placed one of your favorite regular’s drink on the counter.

“Bye Y/N” he called out on his way towards the exit. You checked in with your staff to make sure that they were doing okay. You weren’t an overbearing owner. You trained employees whom were competent and that you trusted to carry on your business when you weren’t there. But, you did your best to make yourself available to stop in when you knew your crew would be busiest. Plus, Grindin was your baby. You could never stay away for too long.

GRINDIN chimed out as another patron came in. You looked up to greet whomever it was with a smile.

“Michaela! Hey girl. Long time no see.” you greeted

“I know. I was honeymooning with my baaa-by,” she sang moving her goddess braids so that they were behind her back and making sure her diamond ring was on full display.

“YAS! Girl, I am so happy for you and Jon. I hope you two had a wonderful time. I see you over there Mrs. Kirk. Are you getting your usual today?” you asked.

“Girl, you don’t know the HALF of it. My boss paid for da baby and me to go on an all expenses trip to Bahamas,” you widened your eyes at this. You can’t even remember your last real vacation.  “Originally we were just going to spend a weekend away in San Diego. But, he surprised us with a week long paid vacation to the one place Jon and I truly wanted to visit. I can’t quit smiling.” she sighed with one of the brightest smiles you’d ever seen on someone. You couldn’t help but smile back. “But anywho, I’m not here for the usual actually. My boss just got back to the country from some away business as well and I guess his time away switched up his tastebuds. He’s going to take a large Brew Thang and I’ll stick with my usual small, hot Bad n Brewjie with whipped cream.”

“Absolutely girl. Comin’ right up,” Michaela handed over the business card to pay and afterwards you transitioned over to the bar to start on the drinks.It was clear that Michaela had more to say. You could see it in her body language that she was holding on to something that she needed to spill.

“Somethin’ on your mind sis? Gone ahead and spit it out.” you assured her.

“What’re you doing tonight?” she asked out of the blue.

“I’ve got a lil date tonight. Why do you ask?”

“Wait. Sis, you got a nigga?” Michaela whispered quite loudly as she raised her left eyebrow. That got you a few glances from some people working at the countertop. You were certain that the one with headphones in had heard her loud ass too. She could be really nosey sometimes but you still appreciated her presence and her business whenever she stopped in.

“Hahaha. Not at the moment.  It’s a date with myself because I deserve to eat well and be treated right -even if I’m the only one treating. Why? What’s happening tonight?” you asked trying not to reveal too much of your intrigue. Sure you had plans but if the offer was right, you could bend em.

“ Okay. So, my boss actually asked me to invite you to dinner tonight at The Liftoff because-“

“The Liftoff? Wait, who the hell is your boss? fucking President Barack Obama?” you damn near yelped as you stared at her with your eyebrows reaching the ceiling. In order to get into The Liftoff you had to have money. Not just a lil cheddar. But BIG BANK! More than that you had to have clout.  If you didn’t have someone invite you, you were never getting in. Many people hadn’t even heard of it- you happened to have a few wealthy and loyal customers stop in every now and then and had overheard them discussing it once.

“His name is Erik. I’m not sure if you remember him but I guess he was in here a few weeks ago,”

2 weeks and 3 days ago sis. But hey, who’s counting? You thought.

“That was when I was out for my wedding. I guess it was a good thing too.”

Aloud, you feigned delayed recognition “Oh yeaahhh. Yeah, I remember him stopping in”

“He was planning on picking you up tonight at six to go to dinner and finish up where y’all left off..” she trailed and left the floor for you. She was not so subtly implying that you two had started something and she was all ears.

“Well, sis. You can let Mr. Erik know that I’m unavailable for the evening. And if he wants to see me, Imma need him to come in here and ask me himself,” you said placing both drinks on the countertop.

“You playing hard to get sis?” she countered.

“I’m not playing anything. I have standards and I know my worth through and through. If he can’t come ask me face to face himself, then the answer will forever be no.”  

Michaela was shocked by your response but managed to get out “I’ll be certain to relay the message.” As she made her exit, she turned back to you. “I respect you sis. A lot of females see a nigga like him and are ready to hop over the counter at one of his slick ass lines. You’re bout to give him a run for his money- and he got plenty!” she cackled.  With that she left and left you alone with your thoughts.

————————

When you made it back to your place, it was time for a shower. The smell of coffee was one of your personal tell-tales signs of how long you’d spent at your shop to make sure everything was in order. Right now, the scent was permeating around you. It had been stated on more than one occasion that you were a workaholic. You simply cared about your baby and wanted to make sure that you gave the best back to the city that raised you. So, it was always hard to establish boundaries for when you had to tend to yourself rather than Grindin. But today was your day.

The second you opened the door, you started shedding your clothes as if they were contaminated. You loved walking around your condo bare ass naked- without a care in the world as to who did or did not see you in all your glory. You adjusted your A/C to a crisp 68 degrees and headed to your bathroom to start your water. Grabbing your phone, you put on a fun playlist to dance to a little. Kiana Ledé’s “Bouncin” started playing out of your waterproof speaker and you hopped in to wash the morning away and bounce a little yourself. The rest of the day was going to be a self-care day. You had it all planned out. First, shower. Next, nap. Then, you planned on putting on a little makeup, serving looks with your latest fit, doing some shopping and then you’d take yourself to dinner. You made sure to do this at least once a month with yourself. Sometimes people would see you dressed to impressed and they’d take pity on you for being alone. But that wasn’t how you saw it at all and you let them know it. Whenever anyone gave you sad eyes or took it upon themselves to join you on your night out, you let them know that this was your intended personal time and that you weren’t crumbled or broken by not having someone to sit across from you.

Obviously, there were times you really wished that someone would take it upon themselves to treat you so you didn’t have to do it yourself. But, on these nights you made sure to be appreciative of who you were whether there was an admirer to acknowledge this or not. Your mind drifted over these things as you hopped out the shower and moisturized your body from head to toe.

Shower ✅

You re-entered your room and buried yourself beneath your covers. The silk sheets had been calling out your name since you’d step foot inside and you were done denying them their request. It was time for that nap. 💤💤😴

——————————————

FRESH OUT THE BOX

STOP, LOCK AND WATCH

READY YET, GET SET

IT’S AALL THAT!

called out from your bedside dresser as you stretched out your limbs and tried to reach out for the phone.

OHHHHHH, OH, OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THIS IS ALL THAT!

THIS IS ALLL THAT!

“Fuck it,” you said as you hopped out the bed and began your performance. You grabbed your phone and used it as your mic as your bedroom became your stage.

Check it, check it, check it

Now this is just an introduction

Before I blow your mind

The show is All of That and yes we do it all the time

So sit your booty on the floor or in a chair

Ground or in the air

Just don’t go no-where!

You gave it all you had for the full 1 minute and 6 seconds only ceasing when the alarm tune was starting over from the top. Dancing was one of your favorite ways to wake up. It made you feel more alive and ready to conquer the rest of your day.

Nap ✅

You meander over to the kitchen to grab a banana and some cranberry juice before tossing on an oversized t-shirt and sitting in front of your vanity. Next on your list was makeup. You synched your phone’s bluetooth to your mirror and played your Self Love playlist to sing along to. You planned on applying a light beat and wanted to make sure you did so without getting any makeup on your body.  Makeup was not your forté by any means but you loved to play a little and were able to copy all the simple tutorials. Today that mean browns all around. You dabbed on some foundation and two brown eye shadows, one that was subtle and another with more shimmer to compliment your natural glow. A little black eyeliner, mascara and nude lip gloss to bring it all together.

Makeup ✅

The fit for the evening was on point if you did say so yourself. A little casual but alluring nevertheless. 

Jade green bottoms which accentuated your curves with a cream colored long sleeve shirt that had a very deep v cut. You were really playin into your sexy side for the evening and it made you feel bold and dangerous.

You went with rose gold accessories to compliment your brown skin and eyes. Your watch and lock necklace were simple but altogether the look had you feelin like you were an 11/10 and that was the goal. You always wanted to remember that you were desired-even if only by yourself. You removed your phone from the charger, responding to a quick text from Lu about your plans for the evening and when you’d be available, disconnected your music from the bluetooth mirror and headed to your front door to put on your heels.

Serve these fuckin looks ✅

———

You were on your fourth store and your Gummy Bear smoothie was all but gone. Thus far nothing was really speaking to you. You’d purchased some accessories and  saw a lot of cute clothing items but nothing that was significant enough to bring home. Your shopping rule was : “If you don’t love it in the store, you won’t love it at home,”. You exited the boutique and made your way to the escalator ascending to the second level where you parked your car. You reached for your phone as it vibrated in your back pocket. Glancing at the screen you saw that it was Ray who was reaching out.

“Hey Ray J!” you laughed at the nickname he despised. His one wish was that you would stop calling him that.

“Y/N where are you?” he sounded concerned. He hadn’t even yelled at you for using the nickname that he couldn’t stand.

“I’m leaving the mall. What’s wrong?”

“Jaime had a family emergency and can’t close tonight. Eve is there but she’s still new you know. He had to leave and no one else is available to come in for him and close,” he said.

“Really? No Sherell, Chris or Rico?”

“No. None of them can make it. I would go in but I’m in Frisco right now. I know it’s your date night and I hate to do this. But, do you think you can close up?”

“Yeah.” you sighed, “Yeah, I can make it. It’s almost quitting time anyways. Plus I’m hella closer than you are. But just know you owe me! If you took your ass across the bridge on a whim, the dick better be good! ”

“Trust me boo it will be and I got you next time!”

“Yeah, whatever.” You hung up and wondered why the hell Ray decided to go to San Francisco on a whim when he was scheduled to be back up in case anything went awry for the evening. That was the whole purpose of the schedule that the two of you created. This was a perfect example of something unexpected occurring and yet he was M.I.A. You pondered these thoughts as you headed to your car and headed back towards your shop. You made sure to call and cancel your dinner reservation because that definitely wasn’t happening anymore.

Thank God I always keep a change of clothes at work you thought, cringing about how awkward it would be to slang coffee with your titties on full display considering you’d forgone a bra for the evening.

When you pulled up it was 6:30. The shop closed at 8 tonight so you had half an hour before you began pre-close. You walked in and scurried to the back to change into a merch sweater which read “Stay Grounded and some black leggings.

Eve was holding it down as best as she could. But it was evident that she was stressed.

“Hey, I’ll take the bar. You go ahead and ring em up, okay?” you offered.

She sighed and released a lot of the tension in her shoulders. “Okay.”

There were already 4 drinks waiting to be made. So, you got to work.

“Sorry your first night shift has been a bit of a whirlwind,” you told her once it had slowed down a bit. It was 6:58 and you didn’t anticipate there being too much of a let up. “Do you have your pre-close list with you?”

“Yeah. I was going to do the final bathroom check.”

“Great! Go ahead and get started. I’ll do most of the behind the counter stuff tonight. You focus on the customer areas. I may call you if orders get crazy,”

“Sounds like a plan boss!”

“Y/N!” you corrected.

Customers trickled in throughout the last hour. But when 7:45 came around and they saw that you were already cleaning up shop, most of them started to pack up their things and go. By 7:56 you were ecstatic. Everyone was gone. You just had to lock the door and then you could count money and tips, do a final sweep and mop and head out the shop. At least that was the plan, until you heard GRINDIN chime throughout the store at 7:58 P.M. You rolled your eyes. Unfortunately, this was no new occurrence to you. Customers were notorious for getting their final fix in the last few minutes before you closed up. Most of the time it didn’t bother you. But tonight, you were hungry and jaded that your plans for the evening had changed.

“Welcome! I just want to let you know that we will be closing in just a couple minutes here,” you called out without looking up as you wiped down the counter, “Let me know if you have any questions.”

“Yeah I got one.” the timber of his voice compelled you to stop and give him your full attention. You looked up to see Erik, dressed in a slightly less formal ensemble than when you’d first met. 

He adorned a pair of dark trousers, a white button up shirt with polka dots and suede loafers. But, he still looked so..

“Delicious?” he asked.

Hol’ up. First he’s Barack and now he reads minds too?

“I’m sorry” you say trying and failing to hide your flustered nature. “What was that?”

He smirked. “It’s okay baby girl. I’m sure you got a lot to take in with your day and all,” he stated as he took a few steps forward which didn’t help to alleviate your confused state at all. “I said since you took the time to introduce me to something new. I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. How about tonight it’s my turn to show you something delicious?”

Your reaction came as if you were on auto-pilot.

“I would love to but I’m barely closing up shop. By the time I count the drawer and we find a restaurant and actually place an order it’ll be pretty late. You shouldn’t hold off on dinner on account of me,” you said.

Erik kissed his teeth. “Yo workaholic ass don’t know how to say ‘no’ to anyone who wanna show you a good time, do you?” It must have been a rhetorical question because he went on, “Gone ahead and finish up closing your shop. When you done, meet me in the back.”

“Hold on. I

“Aht- aht- aht. This is no longer an option. This is the game plan. Close up, freshen up into some non-coffee gear and meet me out back. I’ll be there.” he said sternly and with that, he left.

Eve came out from the back of the shop with a broom in hand. You stood there frozen for a moment.

Did this negro just boss me around? In my own damn shop?? You thought.

Yes. Yes. He did sis. And you liked it so shut up and close up!

You locked the front door to bar anyone else from coming in and started counting the drawer. By the time you were done, Eve had swept, mopped the front and turned on the fans to help the floor dry quickly.

“Great job tonight Eve! I’m sure in the future it won’t be as.. disruptive. Either way, you killed it.”

“Thanks Y/N did you need me to stay or-?”

“Uh-uh. Go ahead sis!”. The second you locked the door behind her. You dashed to the restroom to freshen up and put on your clothes from earlier in the day. You rolled on some perfume and reapplied your gloss before you hit all the lights, locked the door, set the alarm and circled around the back of the shop.

When you got there, you came to a full stop and your jaw dropped. It was gorgeous. The back lot of the shop was decorated in lights throughout the trees. In the center there was a table for two, a whole ass waiter and was that music? You glanced around to find that tucked away in the corner there was indeed a harpist playing beautiful melodies.

“Damn girl and I thought I was going to surprise you with my view,” Erik said as you turned around to face him. He was holding a single purple daisy- which just happened to be your favorite flower. He placed it in your hands and pulled out your chair for you to have a seat.

“How? How did you do all of this and how did you know this was my favorite flower?” you asked with an expression of bewilderment taking over your features.

“I promise I’ll explain alldat baby girl. But first, I need to say I’m sorry”. This surprised you. You’d spent less than an hour in this man’s presence but he already didn’t strike you as the apologetic type.You placed your flower on the table and gave a nod of your head for him to go on. “When I met you a few weeks back. I meant to ask yo fine ass out right then and there. Unfortunately, that call that I got was urgent and it needed me to leave the country immediately,”. He finished.

“Oh my. Is everything alright?” you asked

“It is now. I handled it as I always do,” he stated with a conceited grin, “That’s why I came back to ask you out. I don’t leave anything unfinished.”

“Last time I checked this wasn’t an option. You didn’t ask nothin” He chuckled at that. The waiter came over at that moment to introduce himself, present the menu and fill up your water. He didn’t need to explain anything because there weren’t options on it. It was simply an itinerary for what your palette could expect. Appetizer, Entree, Dessert. They were all your favorites with a subtle twist. You were impresed. The menu was elegantly done and it looked fly as hell. You might have to keep a copy to give to Lu for inspiration.

“Well, actually I did,” Erik began when Duke, the waiter made his exit, “I was in earlier to ask yo stubborn ass-”

“You got one more time to talk about my ass before this becomes a solo event,” you interjected.

“Aight, bet. We can take a pause on that ass for now,” he smirked, “I was in earlier to ask you to dinner face to face, but yo people told me that you were unavailable for the evening. So, we made a few changes to make you available.”

“You what?”

“I paid ya mans Jaime a few bills to take the night off. Ray and Lulu was already on board,” you glanced down at the menu of our favorite foods again, “yup. That was them. They told me what you like. I just got the chef and made sure that Michaela hired the right people to make this vision come together. We all agree that it’s time for you to take a break, ma”

“Wait a minute. You bribed my staff? Plus, Lulu and Ray were in cahoots with you on this?! You barely even know me.”

“And? I’m tryna know you”

“I’m just sayin that’s a hole lotta trouble for a virtual stranger.”

“But you not a stranger. You the one that left me satisfied. Now just enjoy the rest of the evening and let me do the same for you,” he said as he picked up your hand and caressed it all the while never breaking eye contact with you.

“Okay.” you got out meekly. You cleared your throat and tried again. “Okay, Imma let you finish what you started,” you said

He smiled one of the most genuine and naturally alluring smiles you’d ever seen.

“ I can already tell you ain’t used to letting others take control. But don’t worry ma. I got this and I got you,” you were all the way blushing at this point, “Tell me about your day. Was it as brewtiful as you are?”

You laughed out loud as Duke placed your appetizers in front of you. “You corny.”

“And you like it,” You could already tell that he was going to do good on his word. You were leaving satisfied tonight one way or another.

Tag List: @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @shewrites02 @shewritestheblues @ghostfacekill-monger @sarcastic-sunshines @fd-writes @eyeknowmywrites @twistedcharismaaa @thadelightfulone @raysunshine78

[runnfromtheak]

fanfic author’s tagging game (yay!)

Thank ya darling for tagging me!!!! @boyblunder-thedarkheir!!!!!

AO3 Name(s): LostandLonelyBirds aka RUNNFROMTHEAK

Fandom(s): Primarily Batfamily (so, Dick Grayson) and Young Justice (along with DCU obviously, but I also dabble into Miralculous Ladybug, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, and MCU (none of which I will ever seriously write for? Idk man).

Number of fics: 22 I will admit to (how do you have so many, my dear @boyblunder-thedarkheir​? What is your secret?)

1. Fic you spent the most time on: Are we talking writing or thinking about writing, cause those are two very different answers. I spent the most time writing this bitch of a fic I’m working on right now, and the most time thinking about the two latest installments of my main series, Death is But An Illusion (aka How Could He and How Could It Be). I agonize over every goddamn detail with Dick’s anger, Jason’s Jason-ness, and every person’s every move and word. I am a mess, and I’m going to be murdered if I don’t update them soon. I am not sorry about that XD

2. Fic you spent the least time on:  You Came Behind Me Secretly and Shattered Every Piece of Me (There's Blood On My Hands) aka my pick-your-own-canon clusterfuck of Dark!Dick Grayson and Dick Grayson being traumatized and tortured with no comfort (Some of them are so fucked up I question my own mind). I take less than an hour to write 80% of them, cause they’re short, and they very rarely take any time to plan. Fun and easy!

3. Longest Fic: At present, he had a chest full of heart and a body full of scars (pain became the only way that he could ever learn)  is my longest, but the fic I’ve been hinting at on my other tumblr, @lostandlonelybirds​ is easily double the length (why do I do this to myself? Why am I like this?) the long boi (named one, not the one I won’t shut up about) is easily my best fic at the moment, and I’m so excited to write a sequel whenever I get the chance.

4. Shortest Fic: With Bated Breath and Pain You See (We're Nothing More Than Memories) technically, I have one shorter than that, but it’s a collab that wasn’t my original idea so I’m not counting it :)

5. Most Hits: You Came Behind Me Secretly and Shattered Every Piece of Me (There's Blood On My Hands) why do you people like this trash-fire so much? I don’t understand

6. Most Kudos:  How Could He which does not surprise me.

7. Most Comment Threads: Technically, How Could He followed by the trash-fire AU title thing I’m too lazy to type again, but I’m gonna love on this one: Just Close Your Eyes (No One Can Hurt You Now) because it’s my baby, and it deserves it okay?

8. Fave Fic You Wrote: Ooo we are doing a top five.

             5. How Could It Be (Jason is precious and sad and Dick is oblivious, and I love one-sided pining wayyyy too much)

             4.  How Could He (I put my life force into this stupid fic, so ofc it’s here)

             3. I'm Scared to Live But I'm Scared to Die (I'm Numb Inside) (the suicidal boy, major trigger warning)

             2. I See Things That Nobody Else Sees (And It's Slowly Killing Me)  (the only fic I’ve ever written from Cass’s perspective, and definitely one of the creepiest and most fucked up. Bruce does not look good here)

             1. he had a chest full of heart and a body full of scars (pain became the only way that he could ever learn) (so ummm Bruce doesn’t look good here either? RHATO #25 if DC wasn’t cowardly and let Dick react how he actually would, aka fuck Batman is the new motto)

9. Rewrites?: Fuck. All my older ones? Everything? Who knows.

10. Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning:

Let’s do two. I’m nice.

First comes from How Could It Be:

“You loved him,” Donna says, ignoring his barb. “You loved him, and no one’s seen you or heard from you and I’m concerned, damnit.”

 She punches his shoulder roughly, and he’s reminded of her strength, no matter how small she seems in her dead best friend’s sweater.

 “I’m fine. Peachy-keen. Couldn’t be fuckin’ better. Honestly, you should be more concerned with Replacement, don’t think he’s slept in—”

 “Jason.” Her voice is firm, even as her eyes swim with tears and she holds her arms tight to herself, breathing in the well-loved item’s scent. Jason wonders when Dick wore it last, if Donna had taken it from his abandoned Gotham Penthouse or his Chicago Apartment. He wonders if he’d left it draped over the couch, like the natural disaster he was, or if it had been folded neatly in a drawer.

For someone who prides himself on not being sentimental, Jason suddenly wishes he had something of Dick’s too.

 “I’m here because I care, and because if Dick was here, he’d be doing the same thing I am.”

 “But he ain’t here,” Jason snaps, “Is he?”

 Donna’s head falls, and he feels like a giant jerk. He just… reacts poorly to that name, hasn’t heard it spoken since the transmission and subsequent funeral, since the guy he’d had the hots for since wearing the scaly panties had his mask ripped away and his life taken in front of Bruce’s eyes (who, to absolutely no one’s surprise, failed to save his son).

In the aftermath, no one said Dick Grayson’s name, always Nightwing, or some inane nickname the superhero community had for him. Last time he said it was to Damian, a failed attempt at comfort. But even Jason’s form of mutual grieving had been better than any of Bruce’s shit ideas. Bastard immortalized the ripped costume from his own son’s corpse (not that it had been the first time) and hadn’t even had the decency to give it a plaque (No ‘Good Soldier’ or ‘Good Son’, just a bare glass case with a bloody suit). Which… was weird. Jason was far from B’s best friend, but even he noticed something seemed strange, off, just not quite right. Like the funeral he didn’t speak at, like the breakdown none of them had witnessed beyond a one-off rage fit

“B, what the fuck happened down here?”

The Batcave was a disaster, dents glaringly obvious in several vehicles and a large spiderweb crack across the Batcomputer. Bruce closes the screen down, but Jason manages to catch a spiraling eye.

“Nothing, just…”

Bruce looks at the spare Nightwing costume none of them had taken down yet, still clean and ready for use (too bad its owner died and would never wear it again).

“Dick?” Jason questions, and the way Bruce’s eyes snap to his face is almost suspicious, almost enough to arouse concern.

“Yes. I—”

Jason sits next to Bruce on the desk, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I miss him too, Old Man. Don’t mean you need to be an ass about it.”

 A memorial next to Jason’s own, but Dickhead’s is empty and broken from Damian’s fists and grief, and Jason’s is just gone. No one told him why, it was just gone.

Kind of like Dick.

He wonders if Bruce would have told him if the video hadn’t been broadcast, if he would’ve told anyone. B did love his fuckin’ secrets.

 “No,” she whispers, and he can hear the tears in her voice, can feel her grief as keenly as his own. It’s palpable, tangible, “He’s dead, and I’m alive, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

 And then, to Jason’s mounting horror, she starts crying openly.

…..

Second comes from my one I’m working on rn with Stray!Dick called I See Sunset In Your Eyes (I Hate This Part Right Here)

“Come on,” Wally says with a pout, dragging an overly amused Jason and Dick with him through the karaoke bar doors. “Donna and Roy are waiting for us, and Dick had to take forever to primp.”

 Dick shrugs with a grin.

 “Beauty takes time, time I can tell you did not take.”

 Jason snorts, and Wally glares at him.

 “At least I don’t take five hours to finish getting ready.”

 “At least I can last longer than five minutes.”

 “Ouch!” Roy butts in, throwing an arm around Jason and Dick’s shoulders. “Claws are out tonight!”

 “Speaking from experience?” Jason asks, eyebrow raised.

 Dick smirks without comment, sauntering past the group towards the table Donna’s lounging at.

 “Hey gorgeous twin of mine,” He greets with a kiss to her eyes. She smirks, rolling her eyes at him.

 “You’re just stroking your own ego with the twin tacked on, Wonder Boy.”

 Dick bumps his shoulder against hers.

 “Can’t I stroke both our egos?”

 “You can stroke mine,” Wally mutters, turning red when Stray winks at his phrasing. Jason and Roy both facepalm, groaning. “Not what I meant guys!”

 “Why Kid Idiot,” Dick replies, hand on his heart, “I had no idea you could be so forward~!”

 Wally glares, waving over the waitress.

 “Round of shots, on this dick,” he jerks his thumb at Stray, offering up his fake ID. She doesn’t bother checking it, probably because this is Gotham, and they were all in uniform. “Whisky, please.”

 “Trying to get me drunk?” Jason jokes. It is, after all, his first big outing with the Titans for non-mission reasons. Stray had practically dragged him out of the Manor with a wink at Alfred and a middle finger for Bruce, saying that Jason needed to have fun outside of books.

Jason knows better than arguing with Dick Grayson-Kyle when he wants something, Stray trained him well.

 “Of course, Batboy,” Roy replies, “It’s not a Titans outing if Stray is fully dressed and everyone’s sober.”

 Dick shrugs.

 “You’ll have to get some real liquor in me if you want me to do anything like last time.”

 “Last time?” Jason asks, looking to Donna for an answer. Dick snorts. You get near naked one time…

 “Boy Blunder ended up in just his boxers in a dancing cage drunk of his ass. Everyone thought he was one of the strippers, and he made, what, three-hundred dollars in bills?”

 “Five-hundred,” Dick replies proudly, offering the waitress a twenty as she came back with their drinks. “Keep the change, darlin’!” He adds with a wink.

 She flushes, making Jason frown.

 Stray, of course, notices this and elbows Jason.

 “Don’t get jealous, Blue Jay, it’s not becoming.”

 Jason does not blush. He doesn’t, and that’s the hill he will die on.

 “I’m not. On an unrelated note, pass me a shot.”

Jason is the master of changing the subject, Stray thinks sarcastically, passing him a shot and downing one of his own.

 “Five bucks says alley cat blacks out,” Roy says smugly as Dick makes a face, the way he always did with heavier liquors. He glares at the redhead, who shrugs unapologetically.

 Donna eyes them both speculatively, taking a sip of her own drink.

 “Twenty says he gives a lap dance before he blacks out.”

 Roy snorts.

 “I’ll take it,” and to Dick, “Don’t do it, for me.”

 Dick bats his eyes innocently.

 “Lil’ old me? I would never do something so…” He trails a finger down Roy’s chest, making him swallow roughly. “Scandalous.”

 Donna grins victoriously as Roy groans, trying and failing to hide his excitement.

 “I hate you. I hate you both.”

 Tagging whoever sees this, I suppose? 

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso

[bromosapiens]

How much would you hate me if I told you to do every fuckin' one on that ask meme.

a lot

1) Sexuality? 

if you need to ask you obviously havent spent more than five minutes on my blog

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

snoop dogg i think we covered this

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. 

“...de ses plus belles trouvailles. Il semble que certaines réalités...”

4) What do you think about most? 

how fucking insane it is that in america annotating and analysing six essays in the span of an hour constitutes an education

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? 

“like damn”

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? 

mmm usually without cest la vie here in texas

7) What's your strangest talent? 

i can rap all of lose yourself backwards to the tune of the backyardigans theme song

8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence) 

girls are scary and powerfulboys are also scary and powerful but sometimes its hot

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? 

if you count shitass stoned rambles sure

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? 

like yesterday

11) Do you have any strange phobias? 

freezing to death

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? 

sure who doesnt

13) What's your religion? 

im a karkatstian

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? 

in front of it bitchbut back in my photography phase both were applicable because all i took pictures of was myself and likerocks

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? 

crywank rn i just feel em in my soul

18) Do you believe in karma? 

ironically sure but not really

19) What does your URL mean? 

take a wild fucking guess

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? 

my inability to comprehend literally anything; my mario skills

21) Who is your celebrity crush? 

probably darren criss or pete wentz but only because i still have his dick pics saved on my laptop

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? 

hells fucking yes

23) How do you vent your anger? 

ask karkat

24) Do you have a collection of anything? 

swords knives lighters pipes and bandaids with designs on themwhat else do ya need

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? 

on the phone because video chat is just awkward af

26) Are you happy with the person you've become? 

could be better idk

27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? 

nails against a wall; incoherent whispering

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? 

im not so sure about aliens but i can reassure you right now that ghosts are real and they are dicksi have first hand experience

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. 

i almost knocked over my coffee thanks

with my right id have to reach behind me a bit but the side of the futonbelow my left arm is navy

31) Smell the air. What do you smell? 

coffee and sweatwelcome to my home

32) What's the worst place you have ever been to? 

new york city

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? 

east coast west coast seems really white

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? 

janelle monae

35) To you, what is the meaning of life? 

taco bell dicks out

36) Define Art. 

art: when people do things so that other people can enjoy those things

37) Do you believe in luck? 

i dont really think so nahreminds me of an old friend though

38) What's the weather like right now? 

its kinda chilly actually and clouds are rollin ingood thing im inside and not outside

39) What time is it? 

about 8

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? 

i do and i have but i wasnt the one that crashed iti was in a crash though

41) What was the last book you read? 

the one im reading rn is A l'ombre des jeunes filles en fleurs but its for class so im not sure that counts

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? 

yeah actually

43) Do you have any nicknames? 

avi / asshat / furry / birdfucker / the weird strider / oh him again / god that hurts my eyes / is he okay

44) What was the last movie you saw? 

im pretty sure it was some documentary on bbc

45) What's the worst injury you've ever had? 

uhhhhhhhh i havent really broken any bones or anything but i was stabbed once*multiple timesi was grazed by a bullet once too

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? 

nah i wish

47) Do you have any obsessions right now? 

ive been playing my horse prince

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you? 

uhhh i dont think so unless any of yall wanna fess upwell there is the birdfucker thing

50) Do you believe in magic? 

listen do you know who i live with

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? 

not really nookay maybe a bit

52) What is your astrological sign? 

i have no clue im gonna take a wild guess and say sagittarius

53) Do you save money or spend it? 

spend it

54) What's the last thing you purchased? 

...a collar

55) Love or lust? 

why not both

56) In a relationship? 

hells yeah

57) How many relationships have you had? 

five or six i think

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? 

nah i wish

59) Where were you yesterday? 

god that sounds so threateningi was at work

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? 

yeah my fuzzy socks

61) Are you wearing socks right now? 

see above

62) What's your favorite animal? 

birds are rad as hell

64) Where is your best friend? 

in nyc probably at home grading papers or doin homework or smth

65) Spit or swallow?(; 

swallow i aint a fuckin wimp

66) What is your heritage? 

white probablynah uhhh my moms actually half black but bros as white texan as it gets so all i inherited was some vague facial structure and borderline full albinismro got a bit more that i thinkand then roxs dad is black so we dont really look alikei dont know anything past my parents so dont ask

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? 

god do you really have to aski think i was uhtalking to karkat

68) What do you think is Satan's last name? 

strider

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? 

if anyone answers no to this i will be very concerned

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? 

hell yeah life of the party

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? 

im already getting fired save the damn dogif i wasnt though id leave iti aint no hero aight

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? 

any fucking song from grease

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 

0747 try and guess that one bitch

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? 

god i have no clue this is my first

77) How can I win your heart? 

if you have to ask youve already won it

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? 

i sure hope so cos thats where im headed

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? 

proposing to hex

80) What size shoes do you wear? 

9 1/2

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? 

“cest la vie on this bitch of an earth”

82) What is your favorite word? 

bussy

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. 

aardvark

84) What is a saying you say a lot? 

...cest la vie on this bitch of an earth

85) What's the last song you listened to? 

skateboard p (elijah who)

86) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? 

fuck uhhhhhhhhhhh idk red

87) What is your current desktop picture? 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? 

derrek j fucking strider

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? 

“so whos going first”

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? 

probably time travel idk just seems cool

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? 

can we just trim my timeline up to about a year ago

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? 

kevin abstract seems like hed be good in bed tbh

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? 

the bermuda triangle

96) Do you have any relatives in jail? 

i have no clueif dirks in jail no one told me

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? 

sure fucking have

98) Ever been on a plane? 

sure fucking have

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? 

dont fucking waittime runs out

[advancewars2]

Was tagged by @alkalinerock for a 50 questions thing. These take long as fuck on mobile so I likely went to bed after making this

1. What takes up too much of your time? Not doing health things or active hobbies like learning to draw or music

2. What makes your day better? Any of the above things getting done.

3. What is the best thing that happened to you today? Just hung out with a couple buds, watched anime and some DC movies

4. What fictional place would you like to go? Gonna be real, most fictional places don’t seem too fun when you think about them for more than a minute. Although I guess a village in like stardew valley or animal crossing would be chill even though I’m not huge into those games.

5. Are you good at giving advice? I want to think I am for how much I talk but I have never seen my advice followed or have someone say it worked. I would honestly prefer no one followed my advice.

6. Do you have a mental illness? Don’t know if adhd counts but I got it. I have been off meds for it for years now and can function good in school and work it’s just getting a handle on focusing my free time that is my latest challenge. I really want to get in better shape and manage proper hobbies but it so much easier to get caught in idle watching or scrolling.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Yes! No demons though

8. What musician inspires you the most? He’s not one of my favorites but I think Childish Gambino. I remember watching his sketches when I was in middle school and he was just on YouTube and then seeing him grow through every medium that I loved into a fully realized artist and actor.

9. Have you ever fallen in love? Negative

10. What’s your dream date? Something that’s just fun for me and the specific person I’m with. Like some people have museum energy, late talk energy, night on the town energy etc. depends

11. What do others notice about you? It may seem weird but a compliment I’ve gotten often is that I smell nice which is reassuring and worrying cause my smell is the thing I’m the most self conscious about. My sense of smell is abysmal, I’ve been in sports and band for most of my life, and I work in a meat room so I have a lot of chances to smell rank as hell.

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? When we kept bottled water around I chewed the plastic caps. I’ve always chewed ice but at least that melts.

13. Do you still talk to your first love? Where she at?

14. How many exes do you have? 0

15. How many songs are in your playlist? I don’t really have a single playlist. Just a bunch of albums but Spotify says like 2000 + songs which I’m sure isn’t accurate cause I remove stuff

16. What instruments can you play? Just trumpet and I don’t feel like I’ve applied myself enough in the time I’ve had it.

17. What do you have the most pictures of? My pets I think

18. Where would you like to go before you die? I don’t really know

19. What’s your zodiac? Virgo

20. Do you relate to it? I don’t think anyone can. They’re so broad in their definition and scope that I’ve read so many things about them that I say “yeah that’s me” until I realize “literally everyone would want to say this about themselves”. We are the most biased in our own favor when we least expect and the scary part is when we are trying to be unbiased we are cruel to ourselves.

21. What is happiness to you? A web of support

22. Are you going through anything right now? Just trying to graduate and general 20 something anxieties

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? The problem here is I am pretty far beyond a lot of my decisions that I would call bad that changing them now would alter a lot of good things about myself and my life. Regret is not a feeling that stays with me for long unless I hurt someone.

24. What’s your favorite store? Movie and record stores

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? Choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? Not really

27. Do you have a favorite album? Madvillainy

28. What do you want for your birthday? My friends to come to the cookout I’m having and me being willing to cook for it

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? I don’t have a way of knowing this. Most people’s only first impressions of anyone are “this is just a person” or “I don’t like them”

30. What age do you seem according to most? Older than I am by like 2 years but I still get carded???

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? Floor

32. What word do you say the most? Not a clue

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 30. I’ll say older ages but I don’t think anything meaningful would come from a gap that big

34. What’s the youngest you would date? My age or older.

35. What job or career would you say suits you the most? A thing that bothers me the most is that I’ve done a good job at most jobs I’ve had and would honestly just want something that’ll keep me busy during the day and focus me while also allowing me to live comfortably.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of so many of them

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? Idk. Whole worlds kind of nutty and not knowing a native language scares me (fuck right off England I’m not going). I think I’m fine here.

38. What is your current favorite song? Jesus forgive me, I am a Thot by JPEGMAFIA

39. How long have you had this blog? Like 6 years

40. What are you excited for? To make progress toward getting career ready and really starting my adult life. Wanna try new stuff

41. Are you a better talker or listener? I try to listen but I always worry I’m stepping on peoples talking points or circling the convo back to me so I’ll say I’m a better talker.

42. What was the last productive thing you did? Put gas in my car

43. What do you want for Christmas? My bills paid and maybe a record or a nice hoodie

44. What class do you get the best grades in? After middle school I kind of just slipped into maintaining a steady pace of average in every subject.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling rn? 8

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Maybe living in a new city. Definitely doing something in my field. Maybe I would’ve gotten bold enough to try and really break into entertainment.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Have not experienced that yet

48. What age do you want to get married? No clue. I really don’t like formalities and I would hope whoever I end up with feels the same.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? Marine biologist

50. What do you crave right now? Just organic conversation with friends. I’m going back to school soon and some are already moving away for grad school and life.

This was fun. Don’t wanna tag anyone cause this a long but you can say I tagged you and maybe I’ll read yours!

[napstablooks]

for that ask meme thing,,, do all of them >:Oc

oh god

oh god are you sure

well…

HERE GOES I GUESS,

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen, Fly On The Wall - Joey Pecoraro, Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens, All the Angels - MCR, For Emma - Bon Iver, and Shelter by Porter Robinson2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Nick Valentine’s voice actor.3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

”Before I could fasten them, light poured down on me and there he was without a shirt, holding a flashlight.”4: What do you think about most?

My friends.5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

”Ur gay lol”6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

I sleep with them on because I’m a cold bitch7: What’s your strangest talent?

I type on my phone so much I’ve memorized the keyboard. Is that a talent8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are fucking hot

Boys are soft9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

god one can dream can’t they10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

a few weeks ago i think hah11: Do you have any strange phobias?

honestly none that I can think of right now but I used to be scared of the lamp in my basement as a kid I thought it would eat me12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

many times13: What’s your religion?

I’m agnostic!14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

probably walking! I love taking walks15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

I’m awful at photography so probably in front of it16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

oh god uh. good question. the front bottoms? got me through a lot17: What was the last lie you told?

honest to god it was that i wasn’t depressed when i was18: Do you believe in karma?

yes. not super strongly, but if someone does bad shit and something to happens, ima just watch from a distance.19: What does your URL mean?

it’s from Undertale! my favorite ghost kid!20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

greatest weakness: can’t take criticism because of schizoid.greatest strength: I’m very accepting and I care for everyone.21: Who is your celebrity crush?

MMMMM Krysten Ritter is my MOTHER22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nah dude I’m underage and lonely23: How do you vent your anger?

by hurting myself. deadass. this isn’t to be dramatic. that or i scream a lot24: Do you have a collection of anything?

JOURNALS! i have over 2025: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

in a lot of ways no, but in some ways… yes. yes i am.27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

sound i hate: crunching of anythingsound i love: wood crackling fire!28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if nobody really loves me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm: my therapy journal hahaleft arm: my teddy bear, Roger!!31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

laundry detergent! i just washed my blanket32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

a hospice in my town33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast even though I’m living in the hell of the east coast rn34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

god i don’t fuckin know 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make yourself enjoy it as much as possible and help others get there along the way!36: Define Art.

something you create because of a feeling (or no feeling).37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes! kind of like I believe in karma.38: What’s the weather like right now?

it’s 7 am here and its slightly warm, but clear out 39: What time is it?

7:12 am!40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Nope! don’t have my license yet41: What was the last book you read?

I think it was Sharp Objects42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

sorta - after a while it makes me sick43: Do you have any nicknames?

Bee, Robino, Robee, Rob44: What was the last film you saw?

A Beautiful Mind!45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

idk i think i sprained my ankle a few times but otherwise i don’t do enough to get injured46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yep!!!!47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Overwatch! it’s been an obsession since about july of 201648: What’s your sexual orientation?

not sure right now. pan with a preference towards girls maybe?49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not big ones but yeah50: Do you believe in magic?

yes!!!!!!!!!!51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yeah i’m a super angry person :/52: What is your astrological sign?

Virgo 53: Do you save money or spend it?

i spend it so bad lmao. i don’t have any rn though cause no income source54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

pizza :D55: Love or lust?

love, always. always always.56: In a relationship?

nope! just got out of one about a week ago.57: How many relationships have you had?

4! only two of them meant anything.58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no i’m a failure ;A;59: Where were you yesterday?

i was @ my house sleeping60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep! a music box from my mom61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no they are evil62: What’s your favourite animal?

SEA OTTER!!!!!!!63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

i make them feel super comfortable around me! i love it when people are themselves around me, it makes me feel trusted. i don’t do it out of malice or anything ;-;64: Where is your best friend?

at her house a few miles away from me…i get to see her today!65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

-esuerc (is that how you spell it?)-mercysblaster-moon-goblin-mojavemessenger-welcome-to-far-harbor(these aren’t in order)

66: What is your heritage?

whitest of the white. irish or something? i think? fuck if i know anymore67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

streaming overwatch on twitch haha68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

trump.69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

fuck yeah dude who do you think i am lmao70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i think so! i think I’m a very caring and loving person. id like to come to me for my problems, yknow?71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

fuck my job save the dog i can always find a new job but i can’t always save a dog’s life72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a - yes. i tell everyone.b - i enjoy myself the most i can. c - no. i’m not afraid of dying.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

fuck. trust. i guess.74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

don't stop me now by queen! never ceases to make me smile like a dumb idiot75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3309 hah76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust. absolutely. and being comfortable and putting everything out in the open.77: How can I win your heart?

make me feel trusted and give me love. lots of love.78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

of course it can! 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

realizing that i am my own. nobody else’s.80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 women’s heck off81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i always knew it would end like this! dammit!82: What is your favourite word?

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

smiling…a heart full of love.84: What is a saying you say a lot?

”big mood”85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Concrete - This Wild Life86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

PERIWINKLE !!!!!87: What is your current desktop picture?

it’s a cool map i found while researching DnD dungeon layouts!88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump!!!!89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”why do you lie?”90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

i’d freak out but i mean if they just chilling they can be my friends91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

oh shit to freeze time obviously92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

the time that i had a long talk with a friend at 3 am. you know who you are. i can’t remember anything that good for the past few years.93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

being abused.94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

FUCK UHHHH carly rae jepson95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

hdkjhajk omg idk uhhh probably new york to visit my friend shivani96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

nah fam97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

yep!98: Ever been on a plane?

i have and i hated it99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

please, just let there be love.

YOU’RE WELCOME, ANON!

[facelessdreamer]

I hate that there’s

not enough time in the world to do everything.

Theres not enough hours in a whole day to do all things I want to do man. It’s sucks extremely. Everything’s just lined up and I wanna do all them things I can and want to do but I can’t because of me ultimately minus the other factors in life. It’s me. Now I have a job. Finally. But it’s taking up all my time even on my scattered couple days off I relax because it’s literally needed and it goes by so quick like my do nothing days. I don’t know how to go about it. How shall I do things? And what the fuck on Earth are these feelings man. Gotta find a way to pause them but it’s fucking relentless and the off buttons mia. There’s vibes at work, people everywhere, mindless heavy work and sad little me walking about making mistakes and fixing them and putting in work and talking to people without wanting to really and i just can’t tell if I’m putting up a front or not. I don’t know if that’s the jolly me I brag about and that I know myself as or if I just do it because I don’t know how else to behave but nicely and highly energetic and enthusiastically. Just honestly what the fuck do I do with all this life? Shit its 7 minutes past midnight. And it’s clicked. Happy fucking birthday to my ass. God I can’t say in words how this day coming around makes and has made me feel for months. The big ass bitchin 20. Idk why I’m complaining like it’s a fat three zero bc to most people my life’s just started. To me it literally really and truly is dooming and I hate the whole idea of it. When I was 17 I wanted it to last longer. When I was 18 I wanted it to be permanent. When I was 19 just moments ago I wanted to settle for it. I didn’t want to be an age I was no longer a teen. When you’re not that people expect you to act your age and it’s a serious thing then. It’s still expected at teen years but not as surprising bc your still in your adolescent years doing dumb and reckless shit. And yes I spent 19 doing just that. For multiple reasons going as me being a natural fuck up to just not caring with what ever I do to actually wanting to also do dumb shit. 18 was a good age to stay permanent because I was legally an adult and could accounting the law roam with a piece of ID and qualify myself as my own person. 17 was just a golden age to be. That was the mid point of comfort. Dumb and smart and old enough and young at the very same time. Immersing into adulthood yet equivalently latched to the past 16 years of innocent youth. As you get older youth stays but increases with some venemous symptoms. It is no longer sunsets and rainbows full of more laughter and ignorant bliss. It gets darker, wilder, mature, things like welcome to the real world, make do and diy. You start to get your hands dirty and make real messes out of things and be the people who are parents taught us not to be. We become the inevitable damage content of this world like every other adult who was also once young and carefree. We’re all so innocent then boom as we get older we become dangerous. Every age shapes us and makes us a version of ourselves we were once different to not long before. Mad that. We also become smarter each passing year so what makes us a danger is exactly that. We know what to do, how to go about things, we are sane and have sense and real firm control of our words and manoeuvres and with that we purposely cause problems even through subliminal moves. That is being older. Being an adult. It’s where “act your age” kicks at you. Bc you’re no longer futile and brainless. You’ve now officially become something artificial like anyone else is. Nothing new, nothing special. Just older.

I’ve said this before but I’m gonna say it again.. I tend to usually drift of topic and continue into a subject of something relative but not the point I should be sticking to. I always do this and I get more ongoing content out instead of what else I might have wanted to say regarding my original point. I jump from one thing to another and I can’t help it but at least I say things that are real right? Whatever comes to mind it just spills on here despite the point. That can be talked about if I remember it again or not

(00:20)

Rn I’m tired mixed with shitty feelings and watching some Justin timberlake movie on tele. (This is me coming back to say it wasn’t that great and dad pestered me to go up to bed so I never saw the end, wasn’t worth it then) God it’s always been forever when I come back to watch tv. It’s like I got to make time for it even though I don’t really. But when I want to it’s usually at night at a time like this and I hope anything is on from a good block buster movie down to anything like gogglebox even. Just want some of that tv nature to bring me back to something normal (I think I meant to say that as the reason idky it just got typed). I love tv or so I did. I barely spend time with the sofa and the big screen in front of me since I got lazy and sad over a year ago. Funny how among all the hundreds of interlinked factors does it shape a new lifestyle. Every facet of life and me and exisitance plays a harmless yet powerful game. It’s mad how I used to be not a year ago and how I am months down a line compared to the old me. It feels like years and years in between but it’s not. This is me. Everyday it’s a new me. Everyday I change exponentially with my moods and infiltration of hella sadness. I can’t get away from it. I’m immersed into this new me whose no longer definitive to the new term anymore. It’s quite old now but always the latest version seeing as I haven’t changed the persona of me since it came forward and consumed me. Let’s talk about consumption? Kay lets. Like I always say I know myself. Knowing yourself doesn’t mean shit to nothing else alive but to you. You’re a different you in every other mind of every pair of eyes that’s seen you. Even if it was a stranger walking by. They saw you. Mindlessly they saw you in mere sight and that’s it. Quick glance and take in of appearance or sometimes a little more with a minor thought upon you. You’re seen nevertheless as versions you will never know yourself and never of the version you really are. You don’t even know the real version of you. You only know most of you bc you know your interest and hobbies and things like that. Other people say won’t know all of that but only some and the way they see you because they’re literally outside of your body and seeing you through their eyes and not from your own mind. So yeah me knowing me I can’t say why I’ve allowed myself to get like this and be so caught up in feelings that are unpleasant and disturbing. My reasons would simply be things like bc I wanted to bc I didn’t care to close any doors I was meant to close in my head. Bc I wanted to be sad really. Bc I’m also alone but that’s minor bc I only figured that out recently. Other pointless reasons may occur too like not taking care when I really was being pushed to help myself but I don’t take growing hands. I have a problem with saying yes to things that’ll harmlessly benefit me. I just say no politely like don’t trouble yourself for me. Like I don’t want that. Who am I? I mean I know who I am and my worth. It’s fucking up there bro. But people don’t see me and shouldn’t see me as worthy of taking help. Like I can’t put it in words so I’ll give up on that. But my pint is I can’t justify in explaining as to why I say no to any simple help. A guy offer me a bag to carry two heavy bottles of coke? Na it’s alright really fast and I zoom out and away like what was the reason for a mini nervous breakdown and say no for? Am I okay? It’s really like I cba you should never have opened your mouth bc really and truly it would be a great help if these bottles can be bagged and carried instead of it cradled in my arms but I cba for the excerion. That’s it! Mental and physical effort. Like without even thinking this. It’s just a feeling and I literally can’t deal with that. So I automatically say no. I’ve gone off topic agains nd forgot my point smh

Next thing I wanna put out here is that my music hasn’t been very obliging past three nights. Two nights I dunno I didn’t even put in and sleep bc I really wasn’t for it them couple nights and I felt like it was causing my head to feel some way. So I left it and slept freely when the moment came. The third night and a night after also too which was last night I plugged in my earphones at some point bc I could not not do it, it being such a habit. It still wasn’t gratifying as it usually is. The music was fine and great with what played. I was entertained nonetheless but my body and head was more worked out and tired than the past three months and I’d been drinking and smoking so I feel that also defo had some affect and influence on whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t good I tell you that. Aaaaaand I keep waking up incessantly every morning for time now. I can’t even remember when there was a time I woke up feeling good. These days and last year I’ve been waking up not pleasantly. It’s always something man. Literally. I have no soul to exaggerate any of what goes on with me on here. Here lies the truth. My blog. My sweet pretty blog. So yeah I wake up and it’s an ache in my head, remnant music echoes which are fine but make me wonder am I causing something in me? Things like bad dreams and I have like 50 in one night and the bad ones make me unhappy as I wake. There also this weird weird feeling I get just as I’m waking and it’s one I really can’t explain. It’s so bad like I’m half way conscious and half way not at all awake. I’m literally both and I get this feeling, it’s heavy and I wouldn’t say painful but it causes some kind of light hurt? Idk but I feel it immensely and it does come to my attention in the moment and I am not okay as to why this happens many mornings of when I wake. Like after it is over not that I pay attention but it does go away and I am either gone back to sleep or have woken up somehow now I just am not happy bc of the wake. Like your/my wake literally matters. I don’t like these numerous sensations I feel in my moment of waking. I want to be woken with ease and calmness and slowness like just how a breeze comes pleasantly on a hot summers day. I wanna be woken softly and beautifully like that.

Okay I’m not done talking but I’m tired so gonna tap out now (02:59)

[doctormelapples]

I want every personal

Sorry this took so long

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

erm, idk but I can list some of my favs? how about “Mr. Know-It-All” by Young The Giant, “Brain Stew” by Green Day, “Swimming Pool” by The Front Bottoms, “Tokyo Narita (Freestyle)” by Halsey and Lido, “Big Jet Plane” by Angus & Julia Stone, and “Doo Wop (That Thing)” by Lauryn Hill

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Do they have to be alive?? How about Beyonce Twin #2

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

I’m sitting right next to a bookshelf wtf. Okay the first book only had a line 12, Book 2: “…glittering sceptres. These shones so brightly September had to shade her..”

4: What do you think about most?

I see photo opprotunities when I walk? like if I’m walking past a house I see the exact angle that I would take a picture of it with and what the frame and coloring would turn out to be? does that count?

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Text or sc?? cuz idk on either tbh sc:goals text:theenks

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Clothes

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I have none, so like,,

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful, Boys are beautiful, and so is everyone else

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

lol no

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

like yesterday probs

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Strange? idk

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When I was a child,,, marble

13: What’s your religion?

who’s that

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

being sad or taking pictures

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind absolutely

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

jesus christ

17: What was the last lie you told?

I have a headache

18: Do you believe in karma?

sort of, like maybe not the textbook definition but I do think that you get what you give to some extent

19: What does your URL mean?

listen,,, okay Doctor is because i like doctor who and melapples is a dan and phil reference, okay, i made it when i joined tumblr, I was young and unknowing, okay

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness: I’m too emotionally soft; strength: whom’st’d’ve

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Does phil count, phil counts? It’s Phil

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

almost

23: How do you vent your anger?

ahah, to the world and through tears tbh

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect izze + snapple tops, then got bored

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting, I like seeing facial expressions

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

whom?

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

It took me FOREVER to think of a sound I hate, and like i had sounds i love when my fingers hit the keys. sound I hate: Fork schreeching on a plate; sound I love: laughs, soft sounds of fingers on skin, leaves crunching as you wak in autumn, or snow in the winter, wind, papers fluttering

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I had stayed at my old school

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

well not really, but aliens absolutely, like, there is no way the universe is so fucking big, and there isn’t life outside of earth

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My window frame; a notebook

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

somebody is making pasta downstairs

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

what kind of worst? cuz like I believe that no matter where you go you can always get something out of it. Let’s go with my racist ass school

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

EAST

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

idk harry styles?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

42?

how about: to know, be, see, and do what you want

36: Define Art.

Life

37: Do you believe in luck?

kinda like the same way I belive in karma

38: What’s the weather like right now?

It’s been rainy all day and we just had a rainbow. It’s cleared up now

39: What time is it?

1:23:09 AM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

no

41: What was the last book you read?

A graphic novel called March about John Lewis

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

yeah actually

43: Do you have any nicknames?

lila bean

44: What was the last film you saw?

Wonder Woman pretty sure

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

all of the skin on my leg was scraped off once so

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I’ve had a beautiful butterfly land on me during a meditation session once

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

strawberry milkshakes

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m pan bro

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

yes rip how fun

50: Do you believe in magic?

in my hopes and dreams

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

no, I’m really bad at holding longterm grudges but you better fucking run for at least two weeks if u piss me off

52: What is your astrological sign?

scoooorrrrrppppiiiiooooo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i save money highkey short term and mass spend it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

A swimsuit. oh shit no wait strawberry syrup for milkshakes

55: Love or lust?

lust

56: In a relationship?

damn i wish

57: How many relationships have you had?

3

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

crying in bed all day tbh

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

my comforter that I’m sitting on lowkey has pink flowers on it

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

listen,,, fuck socks okay no

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats homie

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

laugh at their jokes + be a pleasant person

64: Where is your best friend?

idk probably sleeping somewhere tbh

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

i don’t pay enough attention soz

66: What is your heritage?

like,,? My dad is from finland probably but otherwise i have no idea, all my family tree has is slavery so

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

fuck dude crying

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

smith

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

hell yes

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

idk i hope so

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i like can’t really swim that well so like probably get the attention of someone who can and get the dog saved then go to work. but fuck that job tho

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

nah bro, i would try and accomplish everything i wanted, travel, be happy with family, and make friends happy, not afraid

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

bills by lunchmoney lewis

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

or not?

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust, communication, known goals

77: How can I win your heart?

idk bro its pretty easy out here a-fucking-pparently

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yeah for sure

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Join theatre

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9.5 or 10

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

rip in pieces

82: What is your favourite word?

antidisestablishmentarianism

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the image of the organ tbh

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

lit, tbh, rip, wild

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

star by brockhampton

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

pink rn, it was just green, i fluctuate

87: What is your current desktop picture?

a picture i took of a car mirror in a violet sunset

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump probs but only if he is right next to pence that bitch will not be president

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

why are you sad

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

FUCKING RUN DUDE CLIMB OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW FUCK THAT SHIT NO GET OUTTA MY FACE FUCK

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

elements my dude. if I had to pick which one it would be wind probs

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

The half-hour where I thought I fell in love with someone before they broke up w me a week later

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

no

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

RIHANNA

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Prague 

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

probably, but not that i know of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

omg yes don’t remind me

98: Ever been on a plane?

yups a few times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

damn y y’all listening to me?

probs something like “jesus christ just shut up and listen to each other speak without jumping to fucking conclusions and preconceived notions of what other people are like kay?”

[justanearth-boundmisfit]

½ I am starting to feel Bibros have been right all along. Misha/Cas fans are not even 1% of the fandom. Fans for whom Misha/Cas is more important than anyone else. Misha/Cas fans are mostly Jinsing/Dean fans and wants to ship him with another beautiful man. That is all Misha/Cas is to them. People who want the best for Misha/Cas are truly not even 1%. Jinsing flashed his underwear in Europe. Everything mean he does and says in USA will be excused by Misha/Cas fans because Cockles! the AU Destiel

2/2 Even if Jinsing physically hurts Misha, these Misha/Cas fans will lecture you to watch 50 shades of grey and how romantic it is. Now the same people are even singing new Mishalecki tunes. Jordash punched Misha in the balls. Cockles. Jinsing wants to get rid of Misha. Cockles. Trump tweets Covfefe. Cockles. It is getting embarassing to watch “so called” Misha/Cas blogs trip over themselves for Jinsing but remain Deaf/Blind/Mute/Dumb when it comes to supporting /standing up for Misha/Cas.

Under the cut, for rant extreme, I think this is the longest reply that I ever wrote, so so sorry anon! For the people that don’t like ship criticism, turn around now, don’t read this, I give you a fair warning…

Hello anon. Well I hope you got it wrong on the percentage but it certainly feels like it. And even more, a lot of Misha`s fans that actively defend him are not in the fandom anymore, because they are tired of the same bs. I’m tired of the same bs too. Everything is being justified through the eyes of a ship. I stated this before: maybe is because I’m old? I’m almost forty, and I don’t find abuse or bullying romantic. I don’t find Cas’s death romantic. The romeo+juliet shit doesn’t work on me anymore. Well It never worked for me tbh. And also It’s been years seeing this obsession about ships getting bigger and bigger, to the point of making trying to defend Misha or stand up for Cas, almost impossible. Surely they are still fans that see reason, but they are not in the big numbers. I got second hand embarrassment sometimes. Let me give you an example: Misha posted the picture remembering the victims of Orlando…a lot of people: “yes! now make destiel real!” Wtf?? No respect whatsoever, I have tears in my eyes rn, not kidding. This is not acceptable, what’s the difference between those destiel fans and the most extreme crazy about incest ones? Because I see none. And it’s really sad because deancas was a beautiful ship, a beautiful love story. Now it only brings me, not only pain through the show, but shame, through their shippers.

And cockles ohmygods, this ship! The people of ancient aliens, are taking tips from cockles shippers let me tell you! Everything is justified, everything is because they are sooooo in love, everything is because they are a couple. Tell me if the last sentences can’t also be applied to what bibros think about jinsing&jordash. “But we respect the wives” they say. ok, but do they respect Misha too? Or they only see Misha, again, through the eyes of a shipper? Everyone has a right to ship whatever, but when your obsession becomes so strong, that you start avoiding truths, or twisting them to your convenience, then something is very very wrong. Some people could tell me: “ok, you don’t like it, don’t read/follow/watch! Block!” I truly wish I could do that! Follow Misha and don’t see anything about cockles bs! But is everywhere! In fact It’s really hard to find a blog that is only about Misha and Cas, there must be two or three I’m not kidding. 

And mishalecki, well… Let me tell you a story, when I started getting more into the fandom, about 8 years ago or so, I thought that jordash was really cute and kind with Misha. Not as a ship, but as good friends. Real truth there, that’s what I thought at the moment. But then I started to watch some videos, I started to listen to the fucking prank stories, I watched some panels (just the parts when he was talking about Misha). And then that fucked up Phillip Seymour Hoffman tweet that jordash sent, calling the man stupid after his suicide…It was all too much, something was not right there. The last 2 or 3 years have been the worst. Or maybe I’m more aware now idk. He has this dude/fraternity bro vibe that I can’t stand. I see all the signs of a bully, and believe me I knew quite a few in my life. But his fans justify everything. Everything. The doxxing, the mistreatment, the bully attitudes… when some point out that what he is doing is wrong, is because, we, minions, are hateful!

Look, I love Misha, but the man is not perfect, I said this before, he’s human. But jordash fans see him like this being that can do no wrong, in anyway, no sir, he is perrrrrfect. When you see another human being like that, something is not right with you. Nobody is perfect, and all of us make mistakes, the thing is accepting that we were wrong. Jordash doesn’t do that, his fans are this hateful bunch that can’t see anything wrong following his example, and mishalecki shippers, as usual, only see that, a ship. “But Misha was laughing!” Is the latest comment about that photo op, when jordash is kicking his balls, yeah really mature there right? And yes, of course Misha is going to laugh and let it pass, at least in the view of the fans, do you people think that he is going to start making a fuss about that with his co-worker in the middle of a convention? I don’t think so. Another comment that I read; “But Misha rent a house and they sleep in the same room” So? Never have a friend that is a fucking bully? And you care about them, so you try to do the best? It happens, a lot. Even between full grown ups. Another justification “Misha can take care of himself” I have no doubts about that, but sometimes Misha cares too much, and he receives so much hate, that he can’t even joke about jordash career, that they are preparing the torches…imagining him complaining about jordash attitude? Although, sometimes it shows that he is not happy with some things happening on set. Shippers can find what kind of underwear jinsing was wearing, but they can’t see when Misha is really being sarcastic and doesn’t like something. *insert big sigh here*

Ufff this got so long, as usual so sorry, but well I think you know me at this point. And even with so much that I wrote there are still a lot of things left unsaid. Let me close with a few thoughts: I think that Misha is really tired of some of the situations, it showed on jibcon and a lot of people say that they saw Misha really tired on autos or photo ops. Misha does a lot, above all at this time of year with gishwhes, but I never read so many reports of him being really out of it, not even smiling. And you know when I saw that change? After that fucking gishwhes chat and all the shit they say about his family. And when he wanted to talk about his children at jibcon, jinsing kept interrupting him with bullshit. But all is ok, because cockles right?

I’m tired too, I don’t seem to find a lo of people who cares about Misha and all the great things that he does. There are some blogs out there that are all Misha, but also is one post about Misha and 5 posts full of anti destiel hate. I don’t want that either! And I’m in the fucking middle: a big, big Misha blog blocked me because I’m not a full destiel shipper, much less a cockles one. And the full on anti destiel blogs also block me because I’m not hateful enough. Lmfao! I can’t defend the guy without hating on someone, either I have to hate everything that is not Misha, or just love everything that is a ship with him. I can’t being a critic because I’m a hater. The extremes of this fandom is what is bringing it down. I’m going to keep defending Misha/Cas, until I can’t no more, because sometimes is really emotionally exhausting. I don’t know how much bs I can take.

Take care anon!