#idk id be harder on myself but i had like 3 or 4 really good interactions at practice last night

[archer3-13]

I HAVE COMPLETED ALL OF THE STARTING CLASS QUESTLINES IN FFXIV, SO HERES AN OFF THE CUFF COMPARISON OF THE STARTING CLASSES

this will all be subject to opinion of course, but idk i wanna do it.

starting with, how do each of the starting classes play before you upgrade to the proper jobs?

not well on the whole if im being honest. i dont think any one of the classes stand out in the below 30 range, a consequence of being the basic building blocks of the game but still. from best to worst

1 pugilist: its fast, it hits hard, its gimmick is easy to grasp, and it gives you a good collection of tools to easily slip in to how people generally play this insane game. the only bit i have a problem with would be steel peak and the chakra gauge, as steel peak feels pretty useless at the pugilist level [it hits slightly harder then a normal hit, but your basic combo is just better in every way then the set up it needs].

2 lancer: rather plain missionary as far as a dps class goes, though i feel thats to its benefit in many ways as its real simple to figure out and use. plus javelins are a nice poking tool as everyone charges recklessly ahead. what brings the class down somewhat is that it has no aoe before dragoon and that it feels sluggish compared to something like pugilist. hit sound effect is deliciously cronchy though.

3 archer: pretty much everything you'd realistically want from the class honestly, it feels a bit sluggish at the start but when ya unlock the aoe shooting the class quickly becomes one of the best for handling large groups of enemies. its solid all around if somewhat unexciting at times sitting in the back shooting arrows.

4 marauder/gladiator: putting them together because they play exactly the bloody same below 30. thankfully despite the worry i had going into a tanking class, i found myself rather enjoying the kit. the most difference between the two i'll note is that marauder is more aggressive well gladiator is more reactive as far as tanking goes. but again, at the below 30 level they play exactly the bloody same.

5 rogue: id like this class more if its kit was a bit bigger. like lancer its lacking aoe before upgrade but unlike lancer its kit is way too small to offer much variety in how you approach situations. plus the hide and backstab stuff is only really useful, so far anyways, in story moments or open world cheese. regardless, the class is fast and hits well so its feels exhilarating to use.

6 arcanist: its kinda intimidating when ya first get hold of it, but i find once ya get a grasp on the class its actually one of the more fun ones to play at low level. i feel it hits harder and faster then other magic classes, you can do a lot with it, and getting the rhythm for its use feels real satisfying.

7 conjurer: being a low level healer feels agonizing, your squishy, you cant hit too hard or fast, and the micromanaging feels daunting especially when your first getting used to the class. and when ya get the hang of it, it doesn't feel quite as rewarding as other classes as your generally stuck to the tanks ass, and if your arent stuck to the tanks ass then shits gone horribly wrong. atleast people seem to appreciate you more.

8 thaumaturge: unlike conjurer which was cursed by design as a basic bitch healer, thaumaturge feels awful to play on the whole in my experience. ironically you dont feel like your hitting as hard as the arcanist, your slower, the switching gauge gets annoying, and ya cant really do anything exciting with the class. i dont hate it, but i do think if a new player is starting with it, they'd get a pretty aggravating impression of the game.

and now, onto the stories of the class questlines themselves! again from best to worst

1 rogue: massively benefits from being the late comer. its more extensive, more cinematic, the character writing well not anything extraordinary is still solid overall, and well the quests can be a bit lengthy they do offer interesting things to do.

2 lancer: gets to rest at the top of the pile less because of anything specific it does and more so because of how it stands out. the only class quest line that functions as an honest to god tragedy/parable/whatever ya wanna call it which elevates it otherwise smaller nature compared to other class quests. i dont feel foulques is actually all that interesting of a character, and if another starting class questline took a similar approach as the lancer quests then i feel he'd be far less memorable [as hes just kinda a self important ass at the end of the day, despite his tragic backstory]. Still, in the lancer quests case, simplicity is elegance in that the quests are straightforward and the story direct in its impact. inelegant definitely. unique, definitely.

3 conjurer: its okay. doesn't trip over itself, says what it wants to say, and has you doing things that arent too much of a hassle. i really like its ending scene too where... conjurer girl finally properly connects with the nature magic vibes for the first time, and remarks on how much more alive everything now feels. its euphoric in a way, and makes the process of getting to the end refreshing.

4 pugilist: dumb but in a fun way, the quest stories for pugilist dont take themselves too seriously and just have fun with what they're doing and in that sense it makes the pugilist quests a lot more fun then i think they would be otherwise. its not a gutbuster, but its intentional comedy that lands which is to its favour. some of the quests themselves can be kinda annoying to do though.

5 archer: kinda bland and it trips over itself getting to the end. i like what its trying to do, taking two characters who follow diametric beliefs about archery and who get at each others throats, only to come together in the end to emphasize the benefits of cooperation, cultural exchanges and crosses, and to tie to archeries literal history within gridanias context. elezen dudes a bit too prickly though without getting enough redressing on the matter, miqo'te girl is underwritten which makes her struggles not land with as much weight as they should, and i feel the plot takes such a sharp turn into the poacher bandit thing that the ending lands with more of a whimper then a bang. plus the quests themselves can be rather annoying. still, it was trying to do something interesting and didn't completely fail in that regard.

6 gladiator: i like some of the character dynamics at play and the quests dont suck. the story is too ambitious for its actual runtime though, so everything feels rushed and underwritten, and theres nothing really at play here that connects too deeply to what it means to be a ffxiv gladiator either in terms of themes, setting or even just on a functional gameplay level like all of the above classes. those characters are the only thing holdin it at 6 really.

7 arcanist: im not a big fan on glasses characters so a story heavily featuring them and generic genius academic type characters who prattle on about statistics and probability or what not... well that wasn't gonna be a slam dunk for me. the plot for these ones also just feels meandering, and like the archer plot it takes a hard swerve into the new thing it introduces at the tail end to its own detriment, only even more so. at the end of the day im just not sure what they were trying to do here overall. plus some of the quests are kinda a pain to complete.

8 marauder: boooooooooring. not only is the story a drag, but its characters are not interesting in the slightest save for like... one joke about marauders not being good at subtly. plus its difficult to have a story where your antagonistic force is a monsterous animal that doesnt speak human, unless you really well characterize the monster or have good characters on the side. and the marauder quests dont do either of these. finally what doesn't help is that the quests themselves are kinda boring to play.

9 thaumaturge: this one legit pisses me off, and it has everything to do with the story and nothing to do with the characters. im not a big fan of the characters mind, but they're fine. whats happening though in terms of character actions and plot movement is just stupid though, especially that damn jar with the devil in it. and to top it off, the ending feels anti climatic as fuck! the one brother well possessed goes around killing at least a dozen people, yet theres no remark on the matter after the possession and the intended theme to be take away from all this is "believe in yourself :)". fuck this questline.

[nathank77]

11/16/24

8:45 a.m

I'm glad I looked into her eyes. It's stupid but it made a difference and made me less negative and feel safer. I know she cares about me even if I never hear from her again bc actions speak louder than words.

Anyways i ended up smoking a cigarette bc after being awake for 2 hours my nicotine withdrawal got so bad it was just a I have to otherwise I stand absolutely no chance of falling asleep at this point. My arms hurts like a bitch, my shoulders too so that made sleeping harder too bc I wouldn't take ibuprofen bc I took Melatonin... they can interact... maybe I should take Ibuprofen in a little bit. I guess they can cause a raise in blood pressure.. so I hardly ever take it unless I skip Melatonin.

Anyways after my cigarette and my tv turned off after 30 minutes of listening to it, i laid in the fake silence and eventually I must have fallen asleep. If I had to estimate how much sleep I got not including before I woke up, it was maybe 1 hour and 30 minutes maximum. Making me have gotten about 5 hours if I passed out by 11 p.m last night. Which is reasonable I did pass out very quickly.

I didn't end up taking any other drugs to help me. I was planning my morning. Making eggs, starting laundry and just watching TV all day. I did have a weird dream. A couple. One of them she was in but I dont remember much other than her blocking me and I woke up wanting to check bc I woke up in a panic bc she changed into a new person I didn't know and I said, Nathan it was a dream and if she did seeing it now will only make sure you don't fall back to sleep but she prob didn't. We can check when my alarms go off...

The other dream was weird a huge house i was moving into with a spiral staircase in the middle and 4 floors. It was gorgeous. I don't remember much about it besides going up the stairs that were in the middle of each room.

Idk what I'm going to do.. bc I looked up why would someone have a hard time falling back to sleep. I mean I just have a hard time falling asleep ingeneral and it says a sleep disorder. I prob should eventually ask to see a sleep specialist for a sleep study.. but I dont want someone else taking over my xanax. I know it sounds stupid but my Dr is fucking reliable. I'll be getting xanax as long as I dont pick up early or abuse my prescription until I'm fucking dead. If she left my office, my script would transfer to someone else in her office and id get a new primary. I really have a good thing with my xanax script. Reliable is the word. So long as I don't call in days early asking for it I'm never going to lose it.

A lot of Dr's make addicts out of their benzo patients sending them to rehab by discontinuing the script and I don't want my xanax from anyone except my primary bc I'm not joking when I'm 80 I will still be getting that same script as long as I keep doing what I'm doing.

If I see a sleep specialist then they are taking over for my chronic condition inwhich I see my primary every 3 months for... and they could take it over... and I'm terrified of them not being reliable. Of them making me have to go to rehab bc of it. Finding a dr to percribe my script reliably is fucking hard.

But yea i know i prob have a sleep disorder. Despite that I know if I could smoke weed then id sleep like a baby every night and fall back asleep easily every night for the rest of my life. And I'm not 100% sure I want to know what my sleep disorder is. It could make it harder to fall asleep. It could scare me. It could give me anxiety.

I control caffeine intake. When I had my cigarette at 5 a.m I had Powerade with it no caffeine. I cut myself off of caffeine at a certian hour every day... I also know that the shows i listen to when I try to fall asleep don't help even at low volumes bc I either can't hear it and I hallucinate anyway or parts of the show gets louder... I've been watching the impossible game show bc its boring and mostly low. I'm never watching American dad again it really wasn't the best show for sleep.

So I know my sleep environment isn't great bc I'm always trying to make my auditory hallucinations get drown out. But yea that's how i feel today, tired af and sore from my workout. I got to take Ibuprofen soon but at the same time I want to feel the pain to know how badly I fucked myself up or to feel the normal muscle pain so that I don't numb it bc I want to know if I overdid it. If that makes sense.

I'm not sure I'm up for a red bull day bc of the lack of sleep... I may just do laundry and take a shower and have a red bull day tomorrow but I got to make up my mind... video games require much energy... and I may not have it bc of my lack of sleep...

Mom still hasn't heard back from the rescue. I may reach out myself. She showed me her phone proving she called and left a message.... but I still got a contact there maybe i can speed it along. I got to get Riley out of here.

Id play silent hill but she's going to barking all day and even still it's a lot of energy, more than just doing laundry... even though that is too... I got to clean the dryer if I do laundry... but i mean 5 minutes and that's done. Concentrating on a game all day is hard. But cleaning the dryer will hurt my muscles...

Idk i had more to say but I forgot

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 14

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: this is only a conversation between Liv and Niall. i hope its still good and nice to read? idk, you tell me?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i did get all your requests ppl and ill use many of them in the next chapter! the request i used in this chapter is one i got when i was writing AM Conversations but i knew id use it at some point!

Chapter 14 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

The need to kiss him was too strong, especially after what he had admitted. I knew he wanted me to some extent but even if I wanted it more than anything, I didn't really think he still loved me like that. His lips moved harshly against mine and I still felt like he was not close enough, even if he was holding my body against his.

"Real love." he repeated low, his lips brushing against mine as I kept my eyes close.

My fingers moved up to his hair and gripped it tight. When was the last time I could touch Niall this way? When was the last time I could really taste him and feel him? I thought about the day his hand moved up on my pants, the same night I kissed his lips when I thought he was asleep, and realized that every time he touched me, his fingers left a burning trace as they moved on me. It seemed to reach my skin even through my clothes and then turn me into a pile of ashes. The truth was, I felt like a fucking phoenix with him. He always burned me down and brought me back to life. How the fuck did he do that?

He bent down more at my touch, groaning low before pressing his lips against mine again, not wasting any time and deepening the kiss to let me taste him some more. I felt my whole body throb as his arms tightened around me,  pressing me harder against him. I didn't want this kiss to end but after a while, a bunch of thoughts came to my mind and I pulled away. His eyes opened and they roamed on my face as my lips parted. We were both a panting mess and it was a bit pathetic to see, but I knew we both wanted more. I also knew we shouldn't do anything and I licked my lips, taking a step back but still keeping a small smile on my lips. As I moved, the grip of his arms loosened and I felt his fingertips brush on my waist, once again burning me. Fuck.

"Uhm I just, I need a drink."

Without waiting for his answer, I turned around and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking what was left of a bottle of wine I had started with Louis a few days before, bringing two glasses and going to the living room. He had walked down the hall and was now standing near my couch, his hands in his pockets. I sat on the couch and poured wine in both glasses, pushing one gently on the coffee table and looking up at him, licking my lips.

"Thirsty?" I just asked, raising my eyebrows.

He seemed to hesitate but he ended up sitting next to me and taking the glass, looking down at the pale beverage. I wanted to make a cheesy toast but instead, I took a sip and I noticed he looked up at me from the corner of my eyes, making me swallow the whole glass quickly. I put my now empty glass back on the table and he chuckled, looking at it.

"Do you think it's a good idea to get drunk two days in a row?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea, all I know is that i'm doing it."

He chuckled again and grabbed the bottle, pouring me more wine before I thanked him. I stared at him as he drank in silence and tilted my head. He was so fucking gorgeous, I just wanted to-

"I know you want to ask me something, go ahead."

I blinked a few times, focusing on his words instead of his perfect face, and cleared my throat. Oh yea, I had a million questions to ask, but where the fuck should I even start?

"Why didn't you ever call me or tried to get in contact with me? Why didn't you ever just... try to get me back?"

He sighed and nodded a few times, leaning against the couch and staring down at his glass as he made it twist gently with his fingers. I brought my legs up on the couch and turned my body to face him but remained at a fair distance. I've always loved how he'd sit on the couch with his legs spread.

"I'm not gonna try to find excuses, Olivia, but I can tell you what went on in my head." he just said with a shrug. "Maybe it won't be good enough for you, maybe it makes no sense, but it's still that."

He looked up and his eyes met mine. I just nodded slowly and pressed my lips together. It was okay if it didn't make sense. It was okay with me, even if his reasons wouldn't make me feel better. I wanted to know if only to stop questioning it.

"At first I just wanted to have fun. I missed you, but you were right, I wanted my freedom  more than anything else. It's all I cared about. But it passed quickly and I started asking about you. Everyone told me to fuck off. Everyone wanted me to leave you alone and deep down, I felt like they were right to ask me that. I had to do some introspection, I couldn't just go back to you and do the same fucking mistakes again. So I wrote, instead. I wrote songs. So many of them."

I licked my lips and took a sip of my wine, frowning slightly.

"Are you ever going to sing them to me?"

"What?" he asked with a frown.

"I'd just.. i'd love to hear them."

He stared at me for a few more seconds still frowning before his face changed and his lips parted. He put his glass away and moved closer, his eyes roaming on my face again. I thought he was going to kiss me but instead, he shook his head slightly.

"You can hear some of them whenever you want." he pointed out low. "On my album, you know? You listened to it, didn't you?"

"You..." I frowned too, feeling my heartbeats accelerate quickly. "Which songs are about me?"

Once again, he seemed in shock and  frowned, shaking his head a bit harder.

"Almost all of them! Olivia who the fuck did you think my album was about?"

I could read panic in his eyes and I swallowed hard. I had wished at least one of his songs was about me but the way he pretended it was obvious made no sense to me.

"Heidi?"

The grimace his face twisted into surprised me and he shook his head again, moving slightly away from me. He rubbed his eyes before placing his hand on his mouth. I kept staring at him as a flood of feelings appeared on his face.

"You two dated and broke up like 3 times in the past year, didn't you?" I tried to explain, moving a bit closer to him. "I mean you always got back with her, clearly you love her, and you... I mean, it says you don't want the other person to leave but... you're the one who left me. You talk about brown eyes! Niall, how the hell did you expect me to think these songs were about me?"

This time, he bent his upper body down on his thighs, pressing his palms on his face and somehow, I wished I could read his thoughts.

"This is just a freaking color, Liv!" he pointed out. "As for the leaving part... I felt you leave, even when we were still together. I felt like you wanted out of this relationship, like you were unhappy with me. You were always so stressed that I was thinking about an other girl and, I know I made things worse and clearly didn't help. I was not patient or understanding with you and I fucked things up. But this album? It's about you. It's yours."

I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted him to climb on top of me and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted to feel the weight of his body over mine, trapping me to keep me with him forever but instead, I felt myself tear up and remained motionless.

"You honestly think I could write about anyone else than you?" he added in a softer tone. "That song you caught me singing the other night? It's about you. When I saw you for the first time in over a year at the bakery, I came home and wrote an other song. About you. It's always about you."

He sighed as he looked away from me, grabbing his glass and emptying it.

"We need more alcohol."

He got up and came back with an other bottle as we started drinking fast. It was even more obvious to me at that moment that I needed to be very very drunk. I had so many things to tell him, so many things to hear from him, and I had no idea how I'd manage all of this if I was sober.

"Even 'On My Own'" I finally asked as I took an other sip of my drink.

"What?"

"You said all your songs were about me."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Not all of them, some are concept songs, but On My Own is sort of about you, yea."

I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed, his eyes sparkling probably because of how intoxicated he was becoming.

"Really!" he insisted. "Everyone around me was dating and shit, but I didn't want to date anyone unless it was you. I do prefer to be alone but you and me, we complete each other, don't we?"

I blinked a few times and my fond smile turned into an amused one.

"You're so full of shit!"

We both started laughing and I threw a cushion at him. He grabbed it and put it behind his back as I tilted my head on the side.

"I went to therapy." I admitted, making his smile disappear. "No, not because of you. Mostly because of me. Because I couldn't accept to be without you, and because it was time I stopped hating myself for things out of my control. My insecurities were ruining my life. They had ruined our relationship, I didn’t want to see that happen again."

He frowned a bit and looked down before looking up in my eyes. He suddenly seemed sad and I wondered if maybe I should have kept this for myself. I used to tell Niall everything but it was a long time ago, maybe it wouldn't work like that between us anymore.

"You didn't ruin anything. Your insecurities didn't ruin what we had. I did. I ruined that relationship. I should have been patient with you, I should have stopped flirting, I should have been clear with girls around that I was taken. I did a bunch of stupid stuff and i'm so sorry I made you feel like shit."

I nodded slowly, blinking a few times and realizing I was getting past the tipsy stage. The more I was drinking, the more I wanted him to make love to me, and something stirred in my stomach, bringing me near tears.

"I thought you replaced me." I whispered, frowning and looking down. "I thought Heidi took a place I felt was mine. Your best friend, your girlfriend, your... i don't know, your soulmate, maybe."

"When you left on that night, Liv... I said you would always be the love of my life. This is still the truth. I haven't changed my mind."

I sniffed and licked my lips, putting a small smile back on my lips. I wanted this to be fun. I didn't want to end up in tears again.

"Okay, let's just, throw truths at each other." I proposed making him roll his eyes. "Should be easy, we're both quite drunk. I can start if you want."

He squirmed on the couch to face me, a big smile gracing his lips.

"No it's my turn, uhm." he looked up as if he was searching for something good and his eyes finally met mine again. "I followed your tv show. Checked the blog every single day to see if there was something new. I love watching you act. I love watching your face."

"I google you every night. For over a year. Louis hated it but he allowed me about ten minutes every night. I didn't tell him but sometimes I just went to bed and googled you again on my phone. I kept googling you when I started dating Dylan, too. I even googled you last night. I guess It's an habit now."

His lips curled in some sort of victory smile and I rolled my eyes. I knew he liked it and I couldn't blame him. I liked that he cared about me enough to watch my show even if it was really amateur and even if we didn't talk to each other anymore.

"I dreamed of you a lot. In fact, I dreamed of you the night before we saw each other at the bakery." he admitted with a nervous chuckle. "I'd say it was fate if I didn't actually dream about you at least once a week."

"And what do we do in those dreams?" I asked with a smirk.

"Sometimes we just talk, sometimes we fight. Other times... you don't want to know!" he let out with a laugh.

I smiled more, not telling him that I really wanted to know, and finally breathed in. It felt so good to be with him alone, I couldn't explain how happy it made me.

"I found the card in your wallet."

I thought he would frown or at least take a few seconds to understand what I was saying but his face immediately changed and he sighed, closing his eyes.

"Fuck, I thought I lost it." his face changed into a suspicious expression. "Wait, why were you checking my wallet and why did you keep it?"

I laughed a bit. "It was that time you told me to get money in your wallet to pay for the pizza." I explained, making him nod as he remembered. "I saw that and, I don't know. To be honest, I didn't think you'd notice. I thought you had probably put that in your wallet a long time ago and just forgot to take it out."

He shook his head and the left corner of his lips raised sadly. "I kept that picture of us with the card in the frame... kept it on my night stand for months."

"Must have been awkward when you brought girls back home!" I joked with a laugh.

But he didn't laugh. He just looked up at me and my smile fell.

"I didn't bring girls home." he explained. "Hotels, okay. Sometimes their place. But in my house? No."

I didn't know why but it reassured me, somehow, and made me feel better to know he didn't bring random girls to fuck in the bed where we made love. It was not much when you really thought about it, but to me, it felt important.

"I put that picture away when Heidi told me to. I felt like it was a bit unfair for her to see that, I had to admit. I still have it in my stuff, and I couldn't throw the card away so i put it in my wallet."

I sighed and sent him a small smile before letting myself slide down the couch only to lay down on the carpet. I was drunk and a bit dizzy but I knew that all the feelings inside of me were real. There was no doubt for me. Absolutely none.

It took him a few seconds but he ended up laying down next to me, his head next to mine but his feet and body in the opposite direction. I turned my head to look at him and he did the same, a big smirk on his lips. It made me laugh and I pressed my lips together.

"I was sad when I realized I didn't bring that frame." I confessed very low, knowing he could hear me anyway. Our lips were so close I felt like we could kiss again. I felt like we should kiss again.

"I was glad you forgot it. Because I knew it wasn't on purpose. But selfishly, I wanted to keep it, even if it was a gift for you."

I didn't want to mention it, but I was glad he kept it if only to know that he kept it for months and then put the card in his wallet. That was worth not being able to keep it when I left. I brought my hand and with difficulty, I reached for his cheek, making him chuckle. I brushed my fingers on his cheek and sent him a fond smile.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" I murmured again.

"A few times." he smiled more. "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

This time, I laughed and nodded. "A few times."

We remained silent for a few minutes, just staring at each other, as my heart thumped in my chest. Why was it always so easy with him? Why did I always want to spend all my time with him alone?

"Liv, if there is anything you want to ask me, or tell me... I promise I'll be honest with you." he proposed after a while. "I want to be transparent with you. Always."

My eyes fell on his lips as he talked and all I could think about was that I was so close to kiss him again that I really needed to do something to stop me from going further.

"Did you have sex with that radio girl?" I asked, licking my lips and holding my breath. "And what about that girl who sent you a nude while we were camping?"

His face changed but he didn't look away. He was evaluating how much damage his answer could make and I felt myself tear up. I could read him so easily, even after all this time, and I didn't know how it made me feel.

"Is it really important?" he asked in a soft voice, making me raise my eyebrows. He sighed and closed his eyes. "The radio girl, no I didn't. I did sleep with Gia though."

I was waiting for him to explain himself, or say it meant nothing, but he didn't and I swallowed hard. He had the right to have sex with anyone he wanted. After all, I had sex a few times with one of his best friends, so I couldn't really say anything about it. Did it hurt me? Yes, it did. Because I remembered exactly what that girl's body was like, and thinking about his naked form over hers made me a bit nauseous, but at the same time, it was in the past and it had nothing to do with me.

"Why are you dating her?"

He raised his eyebrows, a bit surprised by my question. "Heidi?"

I nodded. "I know you think she's hot but it's not a reason to date someone." I pointed out with a grimace. "To fuck someone, yea, but not to date them."

"I don't know." he shrugged, a bit taken aback. "She's fun. We had fun."

"You have fun with everyone, Niall." I explained, rolling my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

The way he was frowning was adorable and my lips curled again. "You talk about everyone and call them your best friend, you say that everyone is super funny." I paused and raised my eyebrows again. "Have you ever thought that maybe you're the 'fun' one? Maybe you're the fun person and that's why you have fun with everyone."

It took a few seconds but his lips curled into an amused smile and he laughed, shaking his head.

"You're really something else."

"I just don't get why her. Maya, I get it, but Heidi? Really?"

"You liked Maya, uh?"

I didn't know if I really liked Maya but one thing I knew was that she didn't give me a bad vibe the way Heidi did and that she was gorgeous. No, I wouldn't say I liked Maya, but I understood why someone would want to date her.

"She hated you." he professed with an other chuckle. "She was so jealous of you, she wouldn't shut up about it!"

I felt my heart jump in my chest, a bit shocked that someone, especially someone like Maya, could be jealous of someone like she. She had everything and yet, she felt threatened by an average girl like me? Laughable. It reminded me that during the game, the night before, he had admitted to dialing one of his ex while being drunk and suddenly, I was sure he was talking about Maya and I swallowed.

"Which ex did you drunk dialed?" I asked as he frowned. "Yesterday, at the bar, during the game... you said a lot of things that I wanted to ask about."

"It was you." he laughed, closing his eyes in an embarrassed way and rubbing them. "But when I called it said you changed your number or something. One time I think I left a long drunk voice message to someone that was not you, too."

I chuckled and started nibbling on my bottom lip. This was not the answer I expected but fuck, I loved it.

"I wish I had heard it." I admitted, not knowing how I actually would have reacted.

"I can't believe you sent nudes to Harry but you never sent me any. Why?" he asked, amused.

"Because you never asked, and also, you never sent me any either."

"I don't send nudes." he just replied quickly.

"You should. To me."

His eyes dropped to my lips again and I smiled. I turned my whole body on the side and he did the same. Our faces were now so close I could feel his breath hit gently my forehead.

"Maybe I will."

I chuckled and licked my lips but as we kept staring at each other, I realized how deep the connection we had actually was. I realized how tough it was to stay away from each other and how crazy it seemed to even try.

"What we feel for each other." I started low. "It's visceral."

He nodded slowly. "You and me... we make so much sense, don't you think?"

I lost my smile and nodded slowly. It did. Nothing made more sense than that. I squirmed a bit on the carpet to get closer and brushed my lips against his. The fact that our faces were upside down made it slightly more exciting and when he slipped his tongue in my mouth, I felt my inner thighs start throbbing so hard that I knew I could cum in less than five seconds.

The kiss was slow and sloppy but it was so good I shut my eyes tight, making sure no other part of my body actually moved. I ended up squeezing his tongue with my lips and sucking gently on it, if only to taste him longer. It made him groan and I stopped, freeing his tongue as my lips curled. I was delighted to know I still had some sort of effect on him.

"Pet, don't do that, you're making yourself impossible to resist."

I knew we couldn't do anything and I didn't intend to. I wanted it, I couldn't pretend otherwise, but It was wrong and we both knew it.

"Do you want to sleep here?" I asked as he nodded. "In my bed?" He nodded again. "Are you gonna spoon me?"

"You know I will."

We both got up, almost tripping because of all the alcohol in our bodies, and we started laughing before walking (or more zigzagging) in the hall, dropping random pieces of clothing on our way. We ended up in my bed, under the covers with the lights off, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his body pressed on mine. I was wearing his shirt again and had kept my panties while he was just wearing boxers. I loved the feeling of his thighs pressed on mine more than I could explain. It burned and at the same time, it made my whole body vibrate. I was close to fall asleep when I heard his voice, making my eyes flutter open again.

"You didn't tell me."

I frowned and reached for his arm that was around my waist, running my fingertips on it gently.

"Tell you what?"

"I told you how much I loved you, but you didn't tell me how you feel."

My heart jumped in my chest and I remained quiet for a few seconds before squirming as I tried to turn my body around. I had to sit up for a few seconds to untwist my shirt and finally lied back down, facing him. His hair was a mess and I was desperate to slip my fingers in it again.

"I'm in love with you, Niall." I let out, staring in his eyes. "I've always been. You're my soulmate. I love you."

"Real love?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, a small smile playing on his lips as one also appeared on mine.

"Real love."

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 1 - "I know the game will pick up eventually" ~Shaad

chile lemme not get thrown out for making all these stan twitter bitch references I'M LICHERALLY HARMLESS I DON'T MEAN MOST OF WHAT I SAY DKJFHASJKLDG

~

ngl tho i'm kinda shitting myself over these challenges bc i don't wanna get tossed on the first round JKAHFSJKDGHJ my ant eye et tea is through the ROOF

~

oh girl, first impressions? ngl, the gays and girls here seem quite lovely, hopefully they won't have to carry me the entire time LMAO

Okay like the only person I like/talked to is Jodi but she seems like a smart cookie so ima sleep with one eye open. But idk I'm ready to put on my fake ass smile and my fake ass kind words and get through this part. It's interesting with 6 people per tribe like if we lose I don't have that solid "core" yet but theres a chance that it would be me, jodi, amy because we were the first three on and active so idk. the immunity challenge is cool, the hunt challenge is cool too. im not good at timed puzzles, so I don't think I'm gonna go for it but a part of me feels like everyone across the tribes isnt gonna do it becsuse theyre scared so thats a good opportunity to sneak in and play with less people against me? idk idk idk ahhh

🎶Oh my god we're back again🎶 Hey peeps!! :DDD Here I am againnnn, how fun! Tbh I forgot this was today lowkey and Dylan reminded me and I was like oop 😳 also I am so sorry to everyone that I cannot help but sprinkle the fact that we are now dating in all of my first convos bc IM VERY GAY apologies✨ for how often I'm mentioning it I mean 😂 My tribemates seems so cool, Jennifer and Babs are newbies but seem up to the challenge, Jay A and Colin already giving off immaculate vibes✨ Me and Dyl are hosting Ingary in a month and I do have like work and everything so I don't know exaclty how active I'll be in this game/ how far I'll make it but we'll see won't we!!

not me being a leader of whateva

~

it's the lack of reading comprehension for me (that was shade directed towards myself)

In the fools tribe !!! Moth is in my tribe which is good because we have played together before. The immunity challenge is divide and conquer! So I believe I will be doing the endurance one. I think I’ll be okay... and the hunt announcement is a good twist !!! I’m not sure if I’ll participate in the first one.. but I’ll probably change my mind. ANYWAYS, I’m ready to kick some ass 

Hey guys it's me Brayden and I am so here. I'm so excited to be playing again and stuff and I have already predicted the future that I'll be the winner. Anyways I was at an award ceremony for like the first 3 hours of the game which is kind of scary bc I feel like I missed alot but I'm trying to talk to people and stuff and see what's going on. I've briefly talked to Jodi, Amy, and Ginnifer (who is so hard to talk to btw I like send her messages trying to start a real conversation and she will just respond being like same or something). Anyways the other 2 people on my tribe are offline rn so ig I missed my chance to talk to them tonight so I'll do that tomorrow. Anyways I signed up to do counting and I'm so excited bc I literally KILLED the counting challenge on Kyoshi Islands so I'm so excited to hopefully kill it again. I also decided to play the hunt challenge even though I only have 3 chances bc I'm hoping alot of people will be scared to use one of their three chances to play in the first round and I can have a better chance of winning it. But I think I'm bad at puzzles. I didn't think it through that hard I think I got excited to play a challenge but whatever I'll probably win the advantage then in a few weeks win the whole game anyways see u later.

SO its the morning after the premiere!! Everyone's settled in!! and I kinda don't know how to feel?? Overall the premiere was kinda quiet, nothing happened worth noting tbh. Everyone on the tribe showed up, so thats good, but i think we're all just feeling each other out at the moment as for the people on my tribe! everyone seems chill but also i can't put my finger on it but SOMEHOW this tribe radiates chaotic energy. I don't know HOW or WHY but I just know it DOES. The way we're interacting in the tribe chat it seems like there's a very wide range of personalities and vibes. They're either gonna complement each other or clash, and I guess we're just gonna have to wait to find out which one!!! here are my quick night 1 first impressions that no one asked for :) Anastasia - she showed up kinda late bc she had life happening, understandable. BUT she kinda just jumped right in and started vibing with everyone!! so I think she's gonna be a strong social player. I talked to her and she seems really funny, I think I might really get close with her if I'm able to talk to her more Babs - IF our tribe does end up being chaotic, it's going to be because of Babs. They're definitely the most talkative and prominent person on the tribe, but I think they might come off as messy to others. they're really funny though!! so again I can see myself wanting to work with them if I can get to know them more. They are the biggest question mark on the tribe for me currently Elle - AH. I LOVE THEM ALREADY. Within minutes of us talking they mentioned Dylan and then I found out that they're DATING and I was SCREECHING. cutest shit i've ever heard. I'm so excited to meet and play with them. Dylan is one of my fave people in the org community so ofc I wanna get to know Elle and connect with them as well!! Jay - I think Jay seems like just a very genuine open person?? Like we talked for quite a while yesterday just about games and he was asking me questions about my experience with them and all that. idk if it's because he sees me as a threat or if its because he just actually wanted to get to know me. He lowkey gives me heterosexual vibes and idk if thats true or not but idk how to bring it up. but I def wanna keep talking to him and getting to know him!! I think he might be someone I can form a genuine friendship with Jennifer - kinda have no opinion so far. I think shes the quietest on the tribe. at least for me I didn't get the chance to hear from her much. kinda gives catfish vibes. kinda gives early boot vibes. idk. we'll see what happens!

Not too much yet tbh. Just finding my footing. People are loving my energy so hopefully they’ll keep me around

So i realized Amy is runner up from the season before mine in another org and so we connected over that... of course we are not going to tell anyone else but we did have that going for us to get started. brayden is only 16 but he told me he loves magic and wanted to learn more about it so i told him id teach him some stuff! dennis and i called and connected well BUT hes kinda playing SUPER hard and wanting to throw challenges already to vote people out.. this has never worked out for anybody!! josh is cool, he works at a grocery store so he's gonna kill the "b" challenge. ginnifer has been the most MIA but i have faith that we'll work together well for the popularity contest. yall know i cant play the reverse flirt game i so badly want to coin, but i do have romance tea for yall tomorrow. stay tuned........

Jay and I talked last night so i guess we're best friends. We decided to make an alliance and try to get Elle in it. But everyone has been pretty inactive besides Jay and Collin. I've only slightly talked to Jessica this whole game and Babs hasn't even said one thing to me and I texted them hi. And apperently Babs has left Jay on opened too so they might just suck at talking right now. Hopefully Babs will talk to me they seem so funny and cool D:

I won endurance 👑!!!! Hopefully the fools tribe wins this!!!! I played against Jennifer and Dennis. I could see myself playing with Dennis down the line if we merge. I haven’t talked to anyone but Moth. So I messaged my whole tribe Introducing myself. Hopefully things work out for me! 

Thoughts after the first 24hrs: https://youtu.be/I62bDSzgf68

You hear something ??? Same. Why is my tribe so quiet 😂😂😂😂 I’m trying to read off the vibes but I see nothing. 

I really love my tribe and the fact that they don’t know I played last season is a good strategy to play on my end

tbh i wish we lost i wanted to go to tribal and vote one of these people out :(

Welp we got second place in the first challenge :| which isn't bad!! But it's not first place 😂😂. But I had a fun day taking pictures so whateverssss. I said I would be chaotic in this game but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet... Guess we'll have to wait and see✨

I think at this point, my team is shady and won't say anything to me so I am nervous.

The challenges were way harder than I thought. I didn't do well at all and let my tribe down. I feel like I will be the first to get voted out if we have a tribal hearing.

We lost yay. I had a feeling. Hopefully the tribe will keep me around for now since I won endurance.... lhsisowjshwowpwpwheowowhfiwpqpqpjw. Jared thinks we can vote Bri out. Which I’m fine with, I haven’t really talked to her at all. Jared and I are going to message the others and see where everyone’s head is at. Honestly I don’t care who goes home as long as I’m safe. Everyone is quiet which is so annoying. Blahhhhhhhhhh 

Well it’s my 3rd time playing and it’s not off to the best start, no one seems to be talking to anyone. And we lost meaning we are going to tribal council. So fuck- I have no idea what about to happen. I’m just hoping it’s not me or Jess

if i must confess, my strategy is to have a 4-3-2 alliance. i need a 4 to have a majority, but i dont have a 4 yet. within the 4, theres a three person alliance w me jodi and amy, but within that three i believe that the core 2 is myself and jodi. i really dont care who the 4th is. i like having jodi and amy as an alliance because theyre both doing wayy too much which is great for me :) i dont think any of these people have idols but who knows. i would love to throw the next immunity i wanna go to tribal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like we’ve got something good. We’ve got an alliance that’s set to (hopefully) vote out bri due to inactivity. Let’s just pray it works

~

Trying to talk in this tribe is so difficult In both my other seasons I was pretty quiet all the time It is like that x10000 I was hoping to stay under the radar but that doesn’t work if no one talks at all I suppose it depends on if I’m being played or if everyone just doesn’t talk. I think there’s a plan. Let’s hope it goes well 

OKAY SO. Moth, Jared and I have a little alliance going on. We are set on voting out Bri. I just talked to Danny and Shaad and they are down with voting Bri out. I have high hopes that I’ll be safe at tribal. 

Better communication.. in sticking with that fact, our communication in my team could be better and we need to put more effort into what we do, I believe in us!

https://youtu.be/595h7hmL6VY

The start to this game has been a freaking snails pace...it’s unbelievable to me that these people do not want to talk that much, especially when it’s a tribe of 6. Colin and I talk the most, I’ve gotten a decent amount out of Anastasia, and to me it feels like those 2 wants to work with me and I am fine with working with them. Usually in a larger group you want to figure out who you can work with long term and use the first few tribals to establish trust, I may throw that out the window since there’s only 5 other people on this tribe. My strategy needs to be who the hell can get me past these first few votes before a swap happens, and I feel like I can rely on Colin and Anastasia for that. I’d like to pull in Elle, because she’s the one who’s talked to me the most out of her, Babs, and Jennifer. Everyone seems nice, but it would be lovely if people would be more active. 

I’m enjoying the fact our tribe won the first challenge everyone is very nice I love it :)

This round has been pretty smooth sailing. I know the game will pick up eventually but for now, we are just going with the flow as a tribe

https://youtu.be/UZVzZ6d6GRU

~

ok so apparently ginnifer isn't famous. she's just a bit quiet and mysterious. ok with me, just gonna take a while because I'm a loud and outspoken person (and player). amy, dennis and I have an alliance called "fang gang" (it's really just 3 emojis of vampires) and we're going to run the premerge hopefully. I do like brayden a lot, and maybe I'll propose a 3 with him, amy and myself to have a solid 4 control the votes until a swap. round 1 not bad so far!

~~~

Edgics:

Power Rankings:

Phantom

Jodi: I believe Jodi is thriving on this tribe. She is very obviously a social player who picks up on the littlest details. I’m sure she can sniff out a plot if it comes down to it. However, Jodi is the plot. She is the leader of her tribe and is easily the most active person in the game at the moment. So long as she keeps a smile on her face and doesn’t overextend to do something messy, she will find that she will make it safely to merge. Allying with Amy could be dangerous however since Amy has stated she needs to be voted out before a certain date. This means that Jodi needs to socialize with other members of her tribe and get new allies before hers will inevitably be voted out of the game.

Amy: Even though she wants to get voted out, Amy has set herself up perfectly at Jodi’s side. She can take the heat off of herself using Jodi and is able to hide better than others. As always, her UTR game has come out to shine. She hasn’t had anyone call her out and even though Jodi has seen her play she is still able to gain her trust.

Josh: Doing so well in the challenge has earned Josh’s place here. He makes his worth known early and has a great personality as well. This makes him very safe for any early tribal councils as no one is going to want to take him out; they want him on their side. Similar to Amy, he just seems to be using an under the radar social game which he is executing well at the present moment. And, as the star of the challenge, he makes himself safe for future tribals before the swap. However, I do fear that this early impression of competition prowess will come back to haunt him if he makes it to the merge.

Dennis: I would put Dennis higher, but Jodi, his ally, already is suspicious of him. She seems to think of him as a bit of a sneak and, as the tribe leader, her opinions matter the most. It is good that he is able to be Jodi’s ally so she might stray away from voting him out. However, his desire to go to tribal and play the game so early may bite him in the butt later down the line. I can definitely see him being called out for trying to play too hard too fast. At the moment, he remains high because he seems to be decently social and no one except Jodi has sniffed him out.

Brayden: There’s not much to say on Brayden’s game. He doesn’t seem to have any allies, his challenge performance wasn’t as good as others on his tribe, and he is not in any alliances yet. This spells disaster for Brayden if his tribe goes to consecutive tribal councils. Additionally, even though he was one of the few to play in the Hunt, he didn’t win and wasn’t even close to doing so. He even gave up part way through to do the immunity challenge. I would be saving them if I were Brayden, but hindsight is 20/20. If Brayden can squeeze into being the fourth of the Jodi, Amy, Dennis alliance instead of Josh then maybe his game forecast will be better.

Ginnifer: The thing that lands Ginnifer on the bottom is that she said that her tribe could vote her out if they lost the challenge. This primes people to already be willing to get rid of her in this game. Additionally, some people have expressed difficulty with talking to Ginny such as Jodi and Amy. The former still wants to give Ginny a try at being an ally while the latter was ready to vote her out if necessary. Ginny just needs to pick up social steam and outperform in the next comp if she’s going to have longevity in this game.

Fools

Jessica: In lieu of a clear leader, Jessica has stepped up as she started the first alliance on her tribe with Moth and Jared. No doubt, Jessica’s prior relationship with Moth helped facilitate. Additionally, this seems to paint them as the “active” members of this not active tribe. Therefore, it will be very easy for Jessica to dictate votes without getting labelled as a threat since her tribe is not active enough to do so. I can definitely see her leaning on Moth as a crutch, but for now she is the topdog of her tribe. Especially so since she was the only member of her tribe to win a challenge in Divide and Conquer.

Moth: As Jessica’s right-hand person, Moth is a secure spot. It also helped that they have played this game before and is on a not active tribe. This vibes well with Moth’s gameplay style since they aren’t a social powerhouse like Jodi or Colin. Instead, she keeps it more lowkey which makes this tribe in particular a great tribe for her to thrive in.

Jared: While he hasn’t provided a confessional yet, it’s clear he’s positioned himself well with Moth and Jessica. As the topdogs of the tribe, they are key people to get in with. Besides that, he seems to be a little more active than some others, but there’s not much else to say as of right now.

Danny/Shaad: Him and Shaad can trade spots on this ranking because they are playing similar games at the moment. They are both quiet and inactive, yet are not part of the core alliance of this tribe. This could spell danger for them in upcoming tribal councils if they don’t start working on people now. They seem to be safe for now based solely on Bri’s inactivity, but, otherwise, they need to pick up their socio-strategic game before it is too late.

Bri: She seems to be the most likely person to get voted out. She was not online at all for the first two days of the game and has since remained inactive. She is easy pickings for the top 3 of this tribe which really hurts my heart. I know her in real life and she is very sociable and easy to get along with. I have no doubt that in a real life game of Survivor or Big Brother, she would kill the social game.

S.E.E.S.

Colin: Similar to Jodi, Colin is the most social person on his tribe at the moment. However, unlike Jodi, he has not taken a leader position which works to his benefit. Despite being social, Colin has been able to slip under the radar of most people with a lot of them wanting to work with him. Colin is easily going to survive until the swap, but I will caution him from getting too many allies too quickly. This tribe in particular has a wildcard willing to blow things like that up so he needs to be careful.

Elle: Similar to her previous games, Elle plays an extraordinary social game and becomes very well-liked very easily. They have no problem fitting into any situation and I foresee them making it far if they gain the right allies. What puts her at number 2 as opposed to number 1 is that she hasn’t made any strategic comments yet. Instead, she is focusing on a social game which is not a bad thing. Colin has just shown more of his gameplay in these rounds.

Anastasia: Anastasia, despite being late to the premiere, has been able to socialize with key people such as Colin and Jay. Her prior connection with Elle has also sparked an interest in Colin in working with the two of them as an alliance. Overall, her and Elle sort of share the 2 and 3 spot since they are both well-liked, did well in the challenge, and are prime allies for Colin whose word will feel like law if this tribe ever goes to tribal.

Jay: Jay is neither here nor there. He isn’t in the bottom, but he is not calling the shots either. It is good that Colin wants him as his number 1 and that Anastasia likes him. Out of the three outside of this potential Elle, Colin, Anastasia alliance, he seems like he will be most likely to be saved until a swap occurs. His calls with people have certainly been helping with that as people are able to bond more with him through there. His activity could use work, but he doesn’t need to be active if he’s liked.

Babs: With another Jodi comparison, Babs has taken the leadership position of their tribe. However, they are not as social and, in fact, considered a big threat since they are so willing to talk freely and openly in the tribe chat. Their gameplay is going to be Messy, and people have already pointed that out, making them a clear target if this tribe goes to tribal council. Despite that, they aren’t at the bottom since some people, like Colin, have expressed interest in working with that kind of player as a sort of shield. If Babs were to tone it down and be more social with people (another problem with their game), they may be able to crawl up these rankings.

Jennifer: Sadly I have to put another phonetic Jennifer at the bottom. She did the worst in the challenge across her tribe and isn’t active either. For this round, it seems she would be the easy vote if this tribe had gone to tribal. She needs to start being more social and be more of a presence in people’s minds.

[studyingwithchan]

so ive been struggling with both depression and anxiety for a while now, but both have went undiagnosed until a couple weeks ago

as of last year, the depression side of it has started to show more,,, usually the anxiety part was the strongest, but things have changed ! so now i will give u guys some tips that ive learned for coping with it, specifically for school

youre going to feel like quitting and it’s okay

lately, it’s been very hard for me to study. usually the anxiety is like omg !!! u have to !!! or else youll fail ur entire life !! and then depression is like “lol”

tbh it’s okay to give yourself a break from it. i find myself taking more breaks than usual, and theyre much longer now, but it helps. sure it takes me a little longer to get it done, but at least im giving my mental state well deserved breaks.

also, if you feel like you really just cant do it, and youre mentally exhausted, then stop. when youre in that state, it’s harder to take stuff in and it’s harder to retain information. it’s okay to push yourself a little past your limits, but dont break yourself.

exercise is your best friend

okay listen. it works.

at first, it was INSANELY HARD for me to work out, it felt like i was a giant cinder block that could not get anything done.

but i paced myself. that’s the most important thing to do. just do maybe a 15 minute walk on the treadmill, or if youre not comfortable with the gym, just walk around your house. do something that gets you out of bed and eventually youll crave more. because working out starts to make you feel good.

because of all this feelin good youll start to study better. taking in and retaining information becomes easier. it jus takes time and patience. i know it’s hard, and i know it’s easier to not exercise, but it’s worth it. i pinkie promise.

watch what you eat

this one is probably the hardest one for me to follow. ive been craving more “comfort foods” like pasta, fast food, and chocolate with soda.

chocolate and soda sound so good, don’t they? but it wont help you STUDY.

nuhnuhnuh, if you consume those kinds of things a lot in a day or in a week, it isnt gonna help your mindset which will lead to a horrible study session (and a worse lifestyle but we’re talking school here). fruits and vegetables are your real brain food, you need brain food, consume a nice big salad. give ur body some water please omg give it a bottle of water.

make your notes look cute!

i know this sounds a little ridiculous ok. but it helped me, so i thought id share it.

i had to do this BIG presentation on tapeworms like 15-20 minutes with a whole 3-4 page disease report on it. all due in the same week. my mind said: fuck that.

you know what though? the hardest part is starting. so the first thing i did was get a sheet of graph paper and looked up some fake calligraphy guides and made a cute, but disgusting title that said “Tapeworms.” and as i researched more, i kept adding little boxes and highlighting in different colors that still matched the theme, and i wrote all the research on that piece of paper.

it was glorious. and hey, i had everything i needed to do a presentation, and to write my report. it took me 2 hours to write the report and about an hour to do the presentation. idk why all those colors worked, but it did. now i do all of my notes like that because it helps me to get stuff done when things are appealing to look at.

basically, you know what im getting at

if you choose a healthier lifestyle, it will help you in school. notice how most of those tips were changing some of the bad habits that come with depression. it’s hard to do, but im in the process of doing it, and it’s helping a lot. self-discipline is a treasure, and you need it to survive this. and you can find it, it just takes time. you can do it. i know you can.

some other odd tips

sleep with a stuffed animal at night,,, it’s a comfort

get those papermate gel pens, or the bic pens and use crayola supertips as highlighters !!!

find a new book to read, it’ll keep your mind fresh

or do some puzzles! keep your brain working with sudoku or jigsaw puzzles

start somewhere. even if it’s typing 2 sentences within an hour, you have started something so good job!

make a list of things you need to do, but mark the top 3 tasks that Need to be Done by Today

don’t drink a lot of coffee. try tea instead.

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :) 

Sooo here yall go <3 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

8)

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

Ya

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

Ya

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

[a-ffection]

1-99 🐸

BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULDNT DO IT SCRUB. I tagged this #long post if yall dont want to see it btw sorry

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to Spotify Me its 1. Hail to the King - Avenged Sevenfold 2. The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson 3. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage 4. Sick Like Me - In This Moment 5. Girls in Black - Airbourne 6. Shrike - Hozier 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

MY SOULMATE DAMMIT

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ugh ”Now the bad news, im afraid, is that we won't be home for supper.”

4: What do you think about most?

Money

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Maybe not” - from you

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are cute; Boys are cute but at what cost?

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yup

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Idk last week11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Public bathrooms and men with neck or face tattoos

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When i was younger i used to stick straws up my nose

13: What’s your religion?

Roman Catholic

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking the thot

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind, I don't trust most ppl to take pics of me

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Uhhh Avenged Sevenfold probably

17: What was the last lie you told?

idr

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yup

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self-explanatory 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Procrastination; Loyalty 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Currently Henry Cavill 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Its on my to-do list

23: How do you vent your anger?

Chores lol

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Mushroom decor, books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

TEXT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Happier yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Crowds; Nature

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

”what if i tried harder and passed this class the first time around?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES x2

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Cell phone; cookie

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing really

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

LA

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Hozier

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To impact the world and/or its inhabitants in a positive way. 

36: Define Art.

Art makes you feel some typaway

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes, only because i have horrible luck

38: What’s the weather like right now?

drizzling

39: What time is it?

6:23pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes

41: What was the last book you read?

Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Jaz, Jazzy, princess, noob (curtesy of my bro) 

44: What was the last film you saw?

Ready or Not

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Hairline fracture. Urban Air. Rock wall. Jumped off. Ouch.48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I like boys

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

lmao YES

50: Do you believe in magic?

I believe in portals to other dimensions does that count?

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yup

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Both

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Starbucks

55: Love or lust?

Both

56: In a relationship?

No

57: How many relationships have you had?

idk

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No

59: Where were you yesterday?

Why do you want to know frog boy?

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Dogs collar

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Owls

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Be really nice and smiley to them but like in a low cut blouse66: What is your heritage?

Native North American. Mexican, Spaniard 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Morningstar

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

I-

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yess

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, my boss is a cunt anyway.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Uhg a) Yes b) Things ive always wanted to do c) Probably 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love, since it comes with trust anyway

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Hail to the King

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6744

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Communication, trust, honesty, time, consideration, maturity, sexual attraction

77: How can I win your heart?

Have these traits: Beard, muscles, weeb, a sweetheart, sense of humor, be Catholic, have a decent career path, give me all the attention

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

uhh

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 in heels; 9.5 in shoes

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something that will make goth kids take pictures on my grave

82: What is your favourite word?

Bastard

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

The Sacred Heart cause im catholic and hispanic

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Bad words and insults

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Old Time Religion - Parker Millsap

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Teal, Green, Red, Black, and Pink

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A pretty forest

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Id save it for a rainy day

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”Have you ever watched hentai?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Put collars on them and teach them tricks

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Healing - people, the land, etc.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

dunno

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ive already did that according to the therapist i had

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Im saving myself for marriage 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Ireland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Yes

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes, when i was a kid

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes, to Cali

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Your governments will always consider your freedom a burden

[cockbiteproductions]

primed to scream PRIMES! PRIMES! PRIMES!!

f i just typed the answer to most of these questions and chrome crashed so christ i have to fucking retype all these but much condensed because i am lazy.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate bars. but only milk. my mom buys exclusively Very Dark Chocolate though so i usually just stare at those and Wish.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

well bubblegum or cotton candy flavored stuff neither they both taste nauseating. if we’re talking about the actual stuff then bubblegum because i can pop it. this actually reminded me i have gum in the pantry from the beginning of the semester i havent even opened yet so now my roommates have you to thank for popping noises the next hr or so

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles because i dont like to drink soda quickly and so i want to close it and not let the carbon dioxide escape. soda cans a close second because it’s satisfying to open the tab.

7. earbuds or headphones?

wired earbuds because headphones are too big and clunky and you cant easily lay on your side with headphones on. but if my next pair of earbuds break within a month i might consider Switching because ive had 3 break on me in the past month and half and im at my wits end with earbuds.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat much for breakfast cause i want to sleep in until the last possible moment and i get stomachaches when i eat a lot in the morning but ill eat a piece of bread and yogurt maybe.

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring but that’s just because i havent used a lanyard before. i think i would like a lanyard. im constantly looking for my keys in bags.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

this pair of black sandals that i have tan lines on my feet from how much ive worn them

19. sleeping position?

ill sleep however... i like sleeping on my left side. on my stomach with my head to the right. on my back with my arms crossover my chest to keep warm. at the end of the bed with my head where my feet should be. i dont move at all when i sleep so freshman year when i had a lofted bed i think my roommate was a bit concerned in the beginning when i refused a bedrail because she thought i might fall. i never fell which was nice.

23. strange habits?

oh man idk i probably have a lot of those but nothing i can think about right now when im being put on the spot.

in elementary school i used to refuse to step on the yellow tiles at school.

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about the stuff i love!!!! and watch the stuff i love with me!!!! i am always down to [whatever the rabb.it replacement is these days] stuff with people and just generally both yell at each other and be passionate about stuff. currently what im passionate about is the stuff im screaming over at @winstonbillions​ so talk to me about that stuff!! please. i am always 3 seconds from screaming about ANY of that stuff.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

idk about outfits to kick ass and take names but i have outfits where i get my ass kicked and name taken aka what i wear to exams. which is my tower of pimps shirt which ive deemed lucky. is it lucky in any way? no, but i’m hoping if i wear it enough to exams it might.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag. suitcases are so large and unwieldily. that reminds me i have a suitcase of winter clothes in my trunk i need to take out.

41. last person you texted?

as in actual texts on my phone? that would be my dad. asking him if i should drop my class im failing. 

as for the last person i instant messaged, that would be one of my mutuals through my musical theater sideblog im currently yelling at about [musical theater related interest]. im not kidding guys talk to me about the stuff i post about on @winstonbillions​ PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

2 months ago i would have said hoodie but im kinda becoming a cardigan kind of person now. theyre just Soft and and Long and Casual and i love them. hoodies are too hard to take off.

47. favorite type of cheese?

mild cheddar, american, and mozzarella. i actually only Recently started cataloging cheeses in my brain to their actual names so for my entire life i was like i just like cheese even though there are certain ones i hate like swiss and blue cheese.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a bit cold and a bit tired from typing all the answers to all these asks tbh. but other than that good. i just cut my nails because they were atrociously long. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“worm” or “fuck” or “no!” according to my roommate

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

oh my ogdokh oym ogdos sd fdospohm to mo edf ucmign fugod mfyo uacant just ask me this im going to absolutely die

in absolutely no order, all from completely from memory, and favorite for a variety of different reasons

“fuck you, math man. if you’re such a genius why can’t you count to loyalty” - mafee in 4x11 lamster billions

“captain, he think, and feels that much more powerful” - luminousbeings in you don’t have to (say yes) the star trek fic

“more than you know, i understand wanting to walk away from the jedi”“i know.” - anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano in 5x12 the wrong jedi star wars the clone wars

“i won’t leave you, not this time.” “then you will die” - ahsoka tano and darth vader in 2x12 twilight of the apprentice star wars rebels

“there is nothing so pure as a man on a mission. when faced with the fire, never quivers or runs. there is nothing so noble as sticking together, for lonely is the life lead when sticking to its guns." - narrator in bloodsong of love by joe iconis

“now i’ve got myself a name and i’m ready to risk it with a battle cry disguised as a sing-along” - never heard nothing by joe iconis

“i’m frickin done with being the loser, the wuss, the underdog. being the misfit, the old school analog. being the oddball, the weakling freak. the failure, the sucker, the please-don’t-speak. oh i can’t hardly wait for the moment when i’m not the loser the geek or whatever, ever again” - jeremy heere in be more chill by joe iconis

“i’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that i am” - various in be more chill by joe iconis

“q is for quantitative, baby!” - winston in 4x12 extreme sandbox billions

“the cheering is just as important as the song” - lisa and ms. werring in the black suits by joe iconis

“first, best destiny” - spock in star trek ii wrath of khan

“be proud of your place in the cosmos. it is small, and yet it is. how unlikely. how fantastic, and stupid. and excellent.” - cecil in welcome to night vale old oak doors part b

“are we living a life that is safe from harm? of course not. we never are. the questions is are we living a life that is worth the harm?” - cecil in welcome to night vale parade day

“as I turned and my eyes beheld you, i displayed emotion. i beg forgiveness.” - spock somewhere in star trek tos

“the sky collapsed without a sound. these broken pieces hit the ground.  the rain fell down around me and i drowned, but i will save you.” - part of me from dear evan hansen

“this is, after all, the story of how i died” - epsilon in the rvb13 trailer

“and while the law has many punishments for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors we inflict on ourselves.” - the director in the s6 finale of red vs blue

that was in no way an exhaustive list but all i could think of at the moment

67. good luck charms?

not really any tbh. i try to wear my tower of pimps shirt whenever i take an exam but that’s about it.

71. least favorite pattern?

what does this even fucking mean?????? i will say the observer design pattern in programming because i don’t understand it well despite having used it twice now.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

oh god idk why are all these questions getting harder. nothing i can think of at the moment.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i say school id tentatively, but neither of them looks great. my school id photo was a selfie.

83. writing or drawing?

writing. i wish to GOD i could draw and i probably could if i put in the amount of time i need to to learn how to draw but im a lazy bastard. but i’m not that great at writing either as i’ve found out. everything is way too short and out of character and too venty and i am weird about letting people i know read what i write (sorry @ all the people who keep asking me to let them read my writing.  it’s not that great you’re not missing out at all and i hate the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known) and i abandon ideas literal minutes after getting them.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

what the fuck kind of question is this?????? i GUESS the answer should be me but uh i am not even putting myself before myself as i am procrastinating on a shitload of homework with this. i guess my “close” friends. they’re pretty chill. but generally ill do anything for anyone all you have to do is ask.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4, my own, my home landline, my dad’s cell, and my dad’s work.

[itskellykh]

1. What’s the wisest piece of advice your mother has ever given you?

“who cares”

2. What was the worst haircut that you’ve ever gotten?

every single one. 

3. If you died tomorrow, who do you think your death would impact the most?

my dad 

4. What question do you not want me to ask you?

idgaf ask anything

5. What was your favorite snack when you were a kid?

oranges

6. How did you come up with the name for your pet?

his shelter named him

7. What is the worst physical pain that you’ve ever experienced?

KIDNEY STONE FUCK THOSE

8. What is the worst emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced?

Sam

9. What book was so bad that you didn’t even finish it?

i hardly finish books b/c im too impatient

10. Are there any colors that you refuse to wear?

nah all colors are dope

11. What one thing are you most proud of accomplishing?

adopting my dog

12. If you could be interviewed on any talk show, which one would it be?

none tbh.. id much rather be interviewed by a youtuber

13. What’s the scariest ghost story that you’ve ever been told?

idfw them

14. Are there any dreams or nightmares that stick out from when you were a child?

mom getting killed by a bear

15. What do you think is the worst crime a human could commit?

murder

16. If you were reincarnated, would you want to be a boy or a girl in your next life?

idunoo being a guy would be pretty cool

17. What artist do you wish would be taken off the radio?

lol i work in radio so all of them

18. Have you ever witnessed something unexplainable?

nah

19. If you could go back to high school, what would you do differently?

not be as shy. but honestly my hs life was dope so no regrets 

20. How long do you think you could last without having intercourse?

lol for the rest of my life.. at the pace im going

21. Are there any mythical creatures that you believe in?

no

22. Is there a specific teacher that made your life miserable?

i dont let anyone control my life

23. What TV show or movie do you want to watch, but haven’t gotten around to it yet?

none ... need suggestions

24. Do you think any of your coworkers deserve to be fired?

yes

25. When you were little, what scenarios did your Barbies (or G.I. Joes) act out?

new kid at school lol

26. Do you like the color of your eyes?

the only thing i like about myself

27. Do you believe that animals experience emotions in the same way that humans do?

absolutely. i think they love way harder and i admire them for that

28. What’s the most embarrassing dare you’ve ever completed?

got up on stage and sang high school musical

29. What common food have you never actually tried?

rabbit or duck i suppose

30. What’s your favorite cat breed?

all

31. What’s your favorite section of the newspaper?

sports

32. Which 90s show do you wish they’d bring back?

umm idk lol i liked lizzie mcquire tho. i think thats 2000s

33. Did your parents ever tell you why they chose your name?

yeah .. and it’s bs. 0 thought into it. 

34. What is one memory that you wish you could erase from your mind?

dude so many. probably that dude yelling at me at the gym 

35. What TV show did you once love, but eventually gave up on watching, because it got that bad?

TWD

36. What (if anything) were you bullied over when you were little?

nah not really 

37. What’s your favorite font to use when you type?

default lol lazy af

38. What age were your parents when they had you?

30 and 29

39. What’s the most embarrassing video in your recent Youtube history?

so many lol something probably like some club penguin shit 

40. Have you ever seen a person (or a dog or a cow) give birth?

hell no

41. Do you think you’re overpaid or underpaid?

both if that makes sense xD

42. Have you ever killed a houseplant?

yep :(

43. Is there a specific number that holds a lot of meaning to you?

33

44. On average, how many times do you wake up in the middle of the night?

im diagnosed with insomnia so ......

45. Do you know your IQ?

nope and dont care

46. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type?

wtf is that

47. Which Netflix show do you think is overrated?

they’re all p good tbh

48. What is your favorite month of the year?

october

49. Which family member do you secretly hate?

im not going to say i hate anyone bc i dont

50. Has a celebrity ever replied to one of your Tweets?

i dont think so lol

[crafiet]

1-50 of the writers ask thingy, tell me everything :D

D:

1 : What age-group do you write?adult! ive always written characters my age or a few years older

2 : What genre do you write?sff, mostly fantasy

3 : Do you outline according to big ideas or small details?hmmm, i guess small details? when i get an idea, i get an idea for single scenes or pieces of dialogue or a certain character, so i piece together an outline from that. but i have trouble with a overarching plot lol

4 : Which do you prefer–line-editing or plot-revisions?line-editing, i love editing. revisions suck bc it takes me 10,000 yrs to come up with an idea and now i have to replace it with another??? blasphemous

5 : Do you write better with or without deadlines?ive written my whole life without deadlines except for when i tried nano last year and failed. so without i guess, but then i dont have anything to convince me to write more lmao

6 : What would be the biggest compliment you could hope to receive on your current WIP?idk probably that its someones favourite book, or to see fanart *.*

7 : How long is your current WIP?26,305 words, its a rewrite heh

8 : What author would you be most excited to be compared to?hummmmmm,,,idk when people call new fantasy books “the next game of thrones” it sounds so fake lol but idk who my favourite author is...

9 : What do you struggle most with as a writer?writing

10 : Do you brain-storm story ideas alone or with others?mostly alone but YOU, ASH, help sometimes. its good to get an objective ear

11 : Do you base your characters off of real people?nah lol, im not good at characters

12 : Is your writing space clean or cluttered?clean

13 : Do you write character-driven or plot-driven stories?plot-driven. my writing is extremely fast paced, and i dont tend to like reading character-driven works

14 : Do you have a favorite writing-related quote?ive answered this in previous ask. the 'drunk on writing’ one by ray bradbury

15 : If you transport your original characters into another author’s world, which world would you choose?everyone else’s worlds are so harsh lol maybe id put them in atla so they can fuck around w bending

16 : Would your story work better as a movie or tv show? Why?miniseries ﾟ*｡(･∀･)ﾟ*｡ but it would lend itself to a movie yeah

17 : Do you make soundtracks for each story?nah, lazy ass

18 : If you could assign your story one song, what would it be?unbecoming by starset

19 : Would you rather live in your characters’ world, or have your characters come live in our world?honestly? i wanna escape capitalism and wield a sword

20 : What book would you love to see adapted for the big or small screen?zero world by jason m hough!!!! its a pretty big book i think a movie duology or a tv show would work!

21 : Do you finish most of the stories you start?no

22 : Has your own writing ever made you cry?no lol 

23 : Are you proud or anxious to show off your writing?anxious cz im bad

24 : When did you start considering yourself a writer?i meannnnnnnn do i even now thoooooo

25 : What books are must-reads in your genre?sff is so broad, read whatever tf u want

26 : What would you like to see more of in your genre?diversity, not just in race gender sexuality but in fucking plots like damn give me something w a twist

27 : Where do you get inspiration from?real life, books, movies

28 : On a scale of 1-10, how much do you stress about choosing character names?about a 2, i just search on a generator until i find one i like im not a stickler for names nd i dont usually have placeholder names or anything

29 : Do you tend to underwrite or overwrite in a first draft?chronic underwriter hence the only 20k words

30 : Does writing calm you down or stress you out?calm me down, i have no control over my own life so its good to have complete control over my oc’s lives. i dont tend to have the ‘characters run away from me’ thing, but probably bc i dont see it like that lol

31 : What trope do you actually like?ride-or-die, charas who are knowledgeable and badass from the beginning, i hate following the character learning to do something lmao im impatient

32 : Do you give your side-characters extensive backstories?depends on the side character, every character is fleshed out to an extent but i dont do a massive family tree or anything

33 : Do you flesh-out characters before you write, or let their personalities develop over time?i tend to create characters before plot so i would say i know them pretty well before starting but i do let them develop naturally within the story without forcing them into any box

34 : Describe your old writing in one word.tryhard

35 : Is it more fun to write villains or heroes?mmm both have their merits, i went through a phase where i loved villains but a warped heroes journey or a morally grey/anti-hero can be super good too

36 : Do you write with a black and white sense of morality?nah, murky

37 : What’s one piece of advice you would give to new writers?try anything. anything it doesnt matter if ur nervous or you ‘dont write in that genre’ or you dont even like that genre. its good to train yourself and go out of your comfort zone, makes u a better writer imo. also dont read this and think ‘im not writing an entire historical romance novel bc i hate it’ i mean just one shots. a paragraph or two. try out writing prompts, it really flexes ur skillsalso dont feel like everything u have to write will be published, thats what i mean by try out little paragraphs or prompts. let go of this idea that any of this work will see the light of day [unless u rly want it to] and just have fun, go wild, go crazy, go stupid

38 : What’s one piece of writing advice you try–but fail–to follow?its mostly those ones that help u have cleaner, more beautiful writing. i write really beige-like and its hard to be poetic or flowery

39 : How important is positive reinforcement to you as a writer?probably super important

40 : What would you ask your favorite author if given one question?when ur next book out

41 : Do you find it distracting to read while you’re writing a first draft?nah

42 : Do critiques motivate or discourage you?ive never really had many, so i would say discourage bc i dont have a thick skin with my writing

43 : Do you tend to write protagonists like yourself or unlike yourself?unlike myself, i like to write bold, confident characters and im not that lol escapism much

44 : How do you decide what story idea to work on?whichever interests me the most at the moment, i can jump between projects easily so i dont have a problem 

45 : Do you find it harder or easier to write when you’re stressed out?harder, i cant look at my writing if im stressed else ill absolutely hate it and might do something drastic like delete it all lol

46 : What Hogwarts house would your protagonist(s) be in?ary is slytherincyri is ravenclawash is gryffindorcaena is slytherin [i dont know how to spell the house names]

47 : Where do you see yourself as a writer in five years?still writing id hope

48 : Would you ever co-write?nah

49 : Are you a fast and rushed writer or a slow and deliberate writer?i used to be fast and rushed bc i was so impatient i just wanted to see the end product but i realised that i really love being in the world of my wips as long as possible so i draw it out and really mull everything over

50 : Would you rather be remembered for your fantastic world-building or your lifelike characters?both lol? i do love worldbuilding but i think characters make a greater impact

[destielfanfic]

Group Ask #173

Relevant links to find lost fic

previous group asks

spnstoryfinders

Guide to Finding Fic

Guide to Finding Lost Fic

Try this great trick to finding fic

Ask #1 ( @gingersnaps04 ): there’s this fic…#1

Hey I am having some trouble finding a fic I read a while ago. It was about how dean took Sam to the park and Cas was babysitting Claire. Cas has an abusive dad and he is constantly making up excuses why he is injured. Until one day he comes to Dean's house hurt more than ever because I think his dad found out about him and dean. I really need help. Please help me because I love this fic:)

Ask #2 ( @2idjitwings​​ ): there’s this fic…#2

Hi, I am looking for a fic. Dean is straight, he works at the roadhouse, he and Cas are friends. Someone sets Cas up on a date and Dean then realises he wants Cas and might be Bi. Cas then tells date the night is cancelled. Please can you help?

Ask #3 ( @ilizibeth​​ ): there’s this fic...#3

Hi so I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to find a fic it was on ao3. Sam had a daughter but was widowed and his daughter thought her mommy was in Gabriel and castiels bakery/cafe because it smelt like cookies and she had special needs and associated senses with people, like dean was leather because of his jacket. and dean called his niece pumpkin pie and cas thought he was really rude when they met because cas said they didn’t have pumpkin pie and dean was like sure you do Thankyoubestwishes

Ask #4 ( @jennacullen ): there’s this fic…#4

I am looking for a fic of destiel where dean is a girl. She is in high school and is a hunter while Castiel and his family are human. I can't remember exactly what it is about.

Ask #5 ( @brynamon​​ ): there’s this fic…#5

I'm wondering if you and your followers can help me find a Cas/Dean fic. I read it years ago on LiveJournal (I'm pretty sure), probably like 2009/2010. the only thing I can really remember is that Cas shows Dean his true form on a different plane of existence (because otherwise Dean would die?). Cas has various animal heads and multiple arms and Dean cries when he sees him like that. and I think he has sex with Cas like that? that's not a lot to go on but any help would be great!

Found by anon/private: Everyone is Trying to Get to the Bar by Balder12

Ask #6 ( @babyinthetrench ): there’s this fic...#6

Hello! I was looking for a fic I read a while ago. So, Dean owns a coffee shop if I remember correctly, he is in an abusive relationship with a OC, one day Cas comes to his shop and they develop a friendship at first, then fall in love. There's non-con I think, but a happy ending. Thanks for your help!

Ask #7 ( @optimistictoast​​ ): there’s this fic...#7

Hi there!! I've been looking for a really good fic everywhere, and I just can't find it! It's a platonic destiel, but the basic plot is that it's an AU where the Winchester family had a detective agency. Sam cut ties and went off to college, until he saw news reports of explosions at the family business, and a man he's never seen before ignoring questions from reporters. He flies home where he sees Dean working a case, refusing his help, only working with Cas, whose and ex FBI agent. Help?

Ask #8 ( @obligatoryurlhere​​ ): there’s this fic...#8

Hi! I read a fanfiction a little while ago where Dean *visited* some kind of angel research facility with a bunch of other random people to meet Castiel and feed him? But Cas got really attached to Dean and he ended up staying on as some sort of caretaker and studying Castiel. He discovered that Cas could talk? It was a pretty long, well written fic and I've found a few *like* it but not it while trying to locate it again and I just had the thought that maybe it was deleted and thought id ask?

Ask #9 ( @ursccaringme ): there’s this fic...#9

yoo please help me find this ao3 destiel fanfic ... so basically dean and his family go to dinner for deans birthday and cas and dean are dating but his family doesn't know. cas is their waiter and is flirting with dean the whole time. idk it was rly cute and i wanted to find it again butttt

Ask #10 ( @classy-human ): there’s this fic...#10

Hello! I am looking for a story where Castiel is the first man Dean dates. Dean works at a bar in the fanfic I believe? The only specific scene I remember is that Jo has an enormous crush on Dean and tries to kiss him to spite Cas, but it backfires on her. When Jo goes to apologize because Ellen chewed her out, Cas makes eye contact with her while Dean is going down on him and its petty af

Found by @jalokath: Not Just a One Night Stand by tricia_16 [NC17, 166,000 word count]  Dean hooks up with the hottest guy he's ever seen after his brother Sam drags him to a bar. Dean ends up having the best sex of his life, and he's suddenly not willing to let it go after just one night. He falls faster and harder for the super sexy and equally dorky Castiel than he ever thought he could. Could something so easy really turn into something that could last?

If any of our followers have anything to suggest, drop it in our ask box (mention which ask you are talking about by number or bolded title). Our anon is switched off for good, if you know the lost fic but don’t want your url to appear on this list, let us know and we will call you an anon! If you don’t see your ask here, it is because we have quite a few in the inbox. Thanks!!

[y01te-moved]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

i almost cant even count how many this is but im doing every single one anyways and you cant stop me despite the fact that this obviously took me ages to actually answer

1: if ur reading this ur legally obligated to follow max (sender of this ask) Right Now. Just Do It.

2: i think more ppl with my sense of humor should watch Spider Riders bc listen..  if somewhere along the line that show suddenly gained more popularity again in this fine year of 2019 id be both actually funny for once but also revolutionary. by all technicalities some of my hcs are fucking great but i dont think i could say a lot of them and even be comprehensible outside of orientation based ones that are just rlly controversial. granted im not even sure i could or would actually recommend the show to people cause its kinda dumb a lot of the time and also fairly long at least to my standards so its harder to finish unless ur like really invested in it :pensive:

3: also on that note the next time a horny person even THINKS about Corona im Going to break into their home and then break their knees. i hate that she has so much fanart thats basically just fetish art or otherwise managing to be nsfw in some way shes like 15 at best fuck off!! its rlly only a problem on like. deviantart but it still makes me die inside.

4: character development is hard i never actually keep my ideas and what i have written down on like.  my actual bios for everyone on the same pace so its a confusing mess and i wish i was better at combating that

5: anon and kanon r such good loids i wish people used them more but i think a part of the problem is that i dont always look That hard for things that use them ahdbsadgashdj

6: alex is the best sdv bachelor and im not accepting criticism on that notion. 2nd best would probably be like..  sam except i havent tried hard enough to be friends with him yet which i feel bad abt bc he seems nice

7: i miss the cracking open a cold one with the boys meme that was still one of my favorites

8: (goes BACK to thinking about SR shdfjds) the anime had no right having like so many characters base their ideals off of how brade used to be in the past and all those good takes on like not necessarily Having to resort to violence as the ultimate solution and all that good stuff just to be like, “surprise!! he actually IS still around! but also he’s going to be minimally helpful at all until the last few episodes and otherwise we’re going to make a ton of gags about him trying to hit on the like 2 girls in the team who are also like 15 while he ignores practically everyone else because thats funny!” im still so mad about it. he is the absolute worst and he has no rights. there was also so much potential they seemed like they could have used and were trying to hint at using in terms of further developing more important details about the history of the inner world or at least some of the things that had been going on well before hunter ever showed up and then they didn’t do anything but hint at the idea of brade having known hunter’s grandfather. but even that wasn’t 100% confirmed bc they dodged around it the one time they had hunter ask. its a mess.

9: my taste is so fucking weird and i hate it bc its mostly just, “oh yeah i heard abt this thing and it seems cool im hoping to start getting into it soon!” for most things that are actually cool or popular or all that and never actually get into it, but then i see smth dumb as shit that i know would probably make me look like an absolute fool for liking and im like, “oh yeah yknow what i can do this one” and then i do like it but i cant say much about it either cause i dont wanna look like.   a fool.

10: these have been depressing as fuck so im gonna lighten the mood and say that himbo is a fucking hilarious word and i love it

11: also axel (kh) is a himbo. why? he just is.

12: im also bad at character design i think bc i always worry that my characters look too similar in terms of hair style like all the time and idk if its rlly that bad or not jfhgkf.  that and like. so many of my characters just wear jeans and boots in terms of the lower half of their body its so unoriginal but it always works so well…

13: still disappointed in myself for having never 100%’d even 1 tlodw game. lunatic mode.. Difficult

14: i dont keep up with ace attorney fans but i hope everyone out there agrees that miles has peak vampire energies based on the way he dresses alone

15: re:zero fans have no rights only bc i only ever see ppl talking abt rem and ram like. wh..   was no one ever going to tell me about reinhard or was i just supposed to watch him get introduced in the first few eps and then fall in love w/him immediately before even finding out hes supposed to be a knight which makes him 20x better

16: leon and/or leonhart is like genuinely a good name idk why it just sounds rlly nice

17: ive had like so many technical difficulties with this site since trying to answer this i hate tumblr

18: im pretty sure im like. genuinely just gonna go mute or some shit one day cause honestly ive mostly only ever gotten worse and worse about not actually being able to say things even when i know exactly what thought im trying to say, both physically and like. online. its so weird i feel like i just cant say things. it may just be being self conscious but i restrict myself soo heavily and its WEIRD….  its like being trapped in ur thoughts and it sucks.  probably doesnt even actually mean all that much but it still makes it hard for me to accomplish anything ever which i hate.

19: despite all the titles like ssbu and all that existing for the switch i think id only want one to play the new(er) inside system games i havent had the chance to yet like the spinoff card game and rudymical and also brave dungeon but w/neville and klinsy and whoever else was dlc on that game cause obviously i own the 3ds port but also neville..  good…  i wanna see how she plays..

20: i miss when i could be passionate abt cave story it just makes me feel tired seeing it sometimes at this point but it also still holds a great significance to me so its just confusing and im not sure how i feel abt it

21: the SR novels were cowards only on account of not giving us any official design for petra but also for writing igneous like.  That.  novelverse igneous is just too bitter in general and like i get it but they couldve done a lot more with him even though he is still somewhat respectable in the end, granted its hard cause like holy shit hes so fucking mean to hunter literally who asked for that. im just glad the anime let him be somewhat more idk..  i guess sociable while still keeping a lot of the inherently essential aspects his personality had like his almost over the top loyalty to the prince and taking things like training/combat in general very seriously. its just good and animeverse igneous is so good id die for him thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk. 

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen. 

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

 heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable.. 

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy.. 

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it. 

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent. 

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know? 

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep! 

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^ 

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3 

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE

[323398149]

im just pissed off with myself okay let me explain what happened. 

im pretty sure ive mentioned it on here but pretty much since like late high school i kinda stopped making jokes and like making fun of friends like teasing people (except zaibaa looool she’s my outlet so i roast her like once a year). but yeah so ive been really careful i vividly remember one of our later conversations uber had said that my teasing was too mean lolllll and then lmao interestingly the only other person to say that to me was zijah last summer he was like it’s like walking on eggshells around you cause you make fun of everything lmaooooo and i was like shoot ive heard that one once before.

so anyways my point being i tried to be careful since first year i pretty much never make fun of anyone ever anymore and some days it really gets to me cause idk i ended up gaining a reputation for like just not being one to ever tease back. which means i kinda struggle sometimes for having to take friendly fire but been to afraid and like ingrained in me to never fire back because that’s how i lose people. 

well on thursday afternoon literally YEARS after that stuff i wasn’t even teasing! i was just being dumb and talking over someone. someone i really freaking cherish and like have never ever ever made fun of (too bad) and always try my best to make them feel better like i go out of my way to be kind to them and always put them first and it’s pretty much fully on me but pretty much i cut them off when they were trying to say something and it happened so fast and i had no idea they were trying to say something that was important to them and also i was late so i was just kinda wrapping up the conversation yknow? like i had no idea at all i swear i wouldn’t ever like intentionally do anything to hurt them. like even when i have a good joke about them i have a habit of apologizing before i even say it loool so this is the one case where ive gone years with a perfect track record. ive never hurt them and id never want to like i mean even with uber and zijah i never meant to hurt anyone and that’s why im so careful with everyone now so idk it just hit me so hard like i could tell they were upset and i felt like trash the whole night and then tried to make it up the next morning and anyways it was all resolved and they said it’s okay and they didn’t know i wasn’t aware of what i had done and we acknowledged that they hadn’t indicated to me that they wanted to continue speaking but like shit. i still feel horrible and it’s been two days. i just cant get it out of my head i did something bad an hurtful and ik im over reacting but my brain keeps saying “you’re still the same old trash and should go back to isolating yourself because you’re not capable of positive relationships with anyone ever and need to be alone forever for everybody’s well being not just your own because look how much this exchange emotionally drained you also and now you’re having trouble focusing so this is why we’re supposed to distance ourselves from people in general because we are incapable of socialization” and yah lol idk if im getting my period and that’s why im being extra and dramatic i mean probs that’s gotta explain it idk why i feel so deeply horrible and afraid of myself lol. i haven’t hated being me this much in like two years lol idk how to describe it i mean ive been sad to be me last summer but this typa hate for myself it’s been like 3 or 4 years since ive felt this level of like can i exit this body and have a new brain pls

and i cant just be like “sorry it’s my adhd” cause yes maybe it is that makes me behave that way sometimes and just keep talking and not notice that what im doing is rude but i also have to recognize that it’s not an excuse and i just need to be trying harder and being better and over coming my symptoms cause nobody is gonna love someone that cant listen like sure maybe theyll tolerate it for a bit but the way i acted on thursday is not okay in the long run and is gonna keep putting me in positions like this if i dont fix myself. 

[nikkinightmare]

1. seaweed

2. anything fried/lots of oil

3. about 12 years

4. pro recovery just not for myself rn

5. not pro ana bc this illness is insanely awful and id never want someone else to be subjected to it

6. not in recovery

7. probably 4-5 days

8. good question I actually don’t know

9. sophomore year I attempted purging and threw up all over the bathroom floor at school and someone heard/saw 😭

10. average calories rn are 500 and under

11. mostly clean food I was vegetarian for like 5 ish years and transitioned to vegan, but when the pandemic started it was harder to get clean foods bc i was homeless for a little over a year so I went back to eating chicken, but I don’t eat pork or red meat

12. someone saying they lost weight in front me bc then i’m like bet i’m gonna lose more than you, or maybe seeing old pics of myself bc I was really thin

13. idk if smoothies count as safe foods? but legit ant fruit, I love green beans, cucumbers, corn, banana peppers, pickles, and my fav candy are twizzlers but I don’t eat candy often

14. really “heavy” meals like spaghetti or burgers (even tho they’re so good) I just feel like the more dense the food is the worse i feel idk if that makes sense

15. how weak I get, I could barely walk to the bathroom last night, or how my hair got so much thinner. Also that i’ll never truly be able to see how I look, especially bc you look different in all mirrors and phone cameras so it’s like without being on the outside looking at me I might never see how thin I am

16. I think fasting can be okay, I think I wanna keep with the 48 fast, feed days, 48 fast and continue bc it seems the easiest rn but i’d like to go longer I wanna look into liquid fast for a week. take ur vitamins, meds, and stay hydrated (and if ur feeling too faint have a small snack) 💙💙

17. any fat phobia or meanspo using fat bodies. it’s super disrespectful and eating disorders come in all forms, plus if someone wants to exist in their body no matter how big it is I support them 100% and would never want them to feel bad about the way they look, another reason I don’t really bring up my weight or ed in front of other ppl. I’ve had a therapist say my ed didn’t count bc I wasnt emaciated in the hospital 🤨 as if I haven’t had this for over a decade and got super close, all of that ties back to fat phobia and thinking bc you aren’t super skinny you can’t possibly have an ed

TW ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🌈ED Ask Game🌈

I wanted to make an ed ask game because

I'm bored

I couldn't find any

So, without further ado, here are the asks:

One of your safe foods?

One of your fear foods?

How long have you had an ED?

Pro-recovery?

Thoughts on pro-ana?

Are you in recovery?

Longest fast?

Fav ED song

Most embarrassing ED moment?

Average calories a day?

Usually junk food or clean food?

Biggest triggers?

Safe foods?

Fear foods?

Most hated side effects of your ED

Thoughts on fasting?

ED community pet peeve

DM if you have any other questions I didn't mention! Also shoutout to @angelwaist for some of the questions! They were a big help!

[alienanxrchy]

VIN! weirdest q of ur life but hows like... hrt going? so far? ive never known anyone who also is going thru it lol and also i love you (im about to start soon!)

so i ended up typing a lot. lol

GOD FUCK MY LIFE so like hrt has been the biggest fuckery of my life im about to shpill some fresh herbals

1. when i first got my T i did the typical intramuscular injections (bigassed needle in ur leg) and for the first like 4-5 shots i was able to do it myself but every time i had to do it it got harder and harder because i started panicking and eventually it got to the point where it took me like an hour or even 2 hours of sitting there, panicking, taking a break, and then going back to sitting and panicking and then finally doing my shot and being like . oh. that was fine. but you know next time i had to do it id be on that bullshit again smh!

2. during this time i met the wonderful jesse whom is my partner and they were able to do my shot for me for like the next few months (id sit there and fuckin like cry for an hour and finally let them do it and then id be like oh. that was fine) 

3. but then JESSE started t and developed my same anxiety except my anxiety about it goes as far as i couldnt even give jesse their shot lmao :( i did it once and never again lmao 

4. so then we made an appointment to talk to our provider about different administration methods and they suggested doing subcutaneous shots (TINY needle like a 3rd of the size of the IM needles and it goes in any part of ur body that has a high amount of fat so i do it in my belley pudge) which i do now and it SAVED MY LIFE 

5. moral: dont freak out if you hate/cant do shots and dont let anyone tell you you just have to “get over it” because you dont they suck for a lot of people and there are other options 

6. ass for effects of t my cycle stopped within a first month which was good (having issues with it now lol trying to figure alldet out lmao) and my voice started not really getting low but i wasnt able to reach higher pitches at first and then it actually got low and now its kind of like ? evening out a bit? its not as low as it once was but i kind of like it that way

7. my appetite fluctuates between SUPER HUNGRY and not hungry at all and i think t has made my depression/anger a little worse which sucks but im working on that too

8. im also disgustingly irregular because of the fact that i tried to force myself to do IM shots whicih just lead to me being too anxious to do it and putting it off for hours which turned into days which turned into weeks :( so right from the start i developed a bad habit of being super irregular and sometimes i get super depressed and just dont fill my prescription oops . again, if u or anyone else relates, talk to ur provider 

but anyway, im making a deal with myself to be more regular because i do enjoy a lot of the effects t was starting to have on my face/body before very recently when ive really gone off the wagon in terms of regularity

my advice would be as i said, if ur having issues with anxiety or anything else talk to ur provider, do your best to stay regular, and if ur struggling with $$$$ apparently its a lot cheaper at costco (theres not one near me so idk for sure) and also you can use GoodRx to get some money off (my t AND needles in the US without insurance but with GoodRx ends up being about $80 and lasts one person about 3 months) and lastly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you can have a therapist with you along this journey i CANNOT stress you enough. if youre unsure how to find help with this stuff look and see online if there is an lgbt organization in your area that can give free/low cost therapy (if $ is a concern) or if there are any recommendations in lgbt groups on FB for therapists or anywhere else online. it complicates EVERYTHING about your identity and really fucks with your moods and emotions. not having support or therapy with me while starting hrt has really fucked me up and if i could go back and stop myself from starting T when i did and wait until i had therapy and more support i would in a heart beat. good luck and im happy you get to start this journey