#idk i think it’s super important (and also super important to have a well-honed sense of fun I guess) (but that’s another conversation
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Random thought but I do think that fun can be such a good marker of whether or not something is healthy for you or even sometimes if it’s just good in general.
#of course not always! because we can be really blind#and stubborn#but also I mean over the course of time if something is still#fun#and it’s GOOD fun pure fun TRUE fun. the kind that bubbles up like joy and surprise and delight#and a bit of soda pop fizzle#that’s such a good sign that it IS good and it is good for you!!!#anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about investment in celebrities’ personal lives#and yes yes not a weakness of many but absolutely a weakness of MINE#I was thinking about how it often happened that at the height of an obsession of mine with a celebrity/their life it would stop being fun!!#And I would become absolutely miserable#because I was expending emotional energy where I didn’t need to be#and so I would have to draw way back. and when I did time would pass and life would unfold#and now it’s like—-I hope Taylor and Travis get engaged#it would be sooooo fun for me as a long time swift stan and care-abouter of Taylor’s happiness#and as a lover of romance and engagements#and also because engagements are front-facing in nature! they belong to the public a little bit!#in some small measure! so it would be appropriate to care and rejoice#and also I couldn’t take it very far or for very long until it was (again) no longer my business#but I guess my point is: fun is a good indicator of where that line is#it will stop being fun when it stops being relevant/personal/applicable/news I can actually participate in and rejoice in honestly#on another note sometimes in my teaching I will hear students discussing who I should marry#and it is—for a brief moment—so fun for me actually. it’s pure and funny and a reminder that THEY believe I could find romance#and should. and also if I were to take them seriously for a second. if I were to be like ‘hey can you guys set me up’#it would instantly become Not Fun anymore for them AND for me and that’s just !!!!!!!#idk i think it’s super important (and also super important to have a well-honed sense of fun I guess) (but that’s another conversation#ANYWAY#some THOUGHTS
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ramblin’s!
just a couple things on my mind tonight
this whole time i thought i was taking the critique that my art style is “tired and stale and outdated” pretty well b/c i kinda agree w it, im heavily inspired by a show from 2008 so like of course its gonna be outdated right! but like a friend said it does kinda feel bad to hear that abt smth ive honed and fine tuned for so long to get it to where it currently is u_u i guess i havent let myself feel bad abt it this whole time until now. ive had many people say they love my art style and i have fun w it too so i guess it never occurred to me that it would be outdated
another thing sorta in a similar vein, sometimes i wonder if i stick w my art style because i genuinely enjoy it or just because ive worked towards making it look the way it does for so long and i dont wanna feel like i wasted that effort if that makes sense. like..theres a lot of other art styles that i enjoy and would like to pursue i think, but i keep coming back and sticking to the one i usually draw in for some reason and i cant figure out what the reason is u_u
art style is really complicated for me b/c i acknowledge that its not the most important thing in art and it develops naturally over time so theres not a super huge point in trying to focus on developing it otherwise, but also i feel like bc im tryna break into the industry i need some sort of appealing style too yknow? so i kinda do have to focus on it a bit more than id prefer. hmm
idk. i’ll figure somethin out surely. i’ll get to where im happy with my style for real one of these days
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top ten tagged by @linkspooky 🍊 explanations under the cut! sorry for rambling xo → rules: name your top ten favourite characters from ten different fandoms, and then tag ten people - @osomanga @kara-suno @anonimarevolts @zeninmaki @wildbishonen @shysheeperz @tkmewthyou @kaldurlenn @joxterism @marshmallowdonutsprinkles
snufkin okay so he’s the only one not from an anime or manga but i had to put him on bc he’s the most important fictional character to me, ever. i grew up watching the moomin cartoons in the 90s and thinking about it instantly calms me down - they used to air the episodes early in the morning when it would still be dark outside: the landscapes were moody and cosy, the characters were so softly spoken and articulate... it’s just peak nostalgia. anyway, snufkin is moomin’s best friend; he returns to moominvalley every year to be with his friends during the spring and says his goodbyes to go adventure again come winter. it upsets moomin when he leaves but snufkin is adamant that quiet and solitude are important and healthy, and it’s not fair to expect him to compromise on his independence - that made a really big impact on me as a kid, especially as someone who never really had their ‘own’ space (twinsies). relationships aren’t weakened by physical distance or time, they’re about communication and understanding. that was important too. i don’t think i realised just how influential it had been until i was an adult but snufkin is an anarchist. he first shows up in the comics when moomin and sniff are talking about opening a bank - he tells them they should plant fruit trees instead. he destroys private property and rescues orphans, he refuses to participate in things that don’t bring him joy. when he’s asked where home is, he replies, “nowhere. or everywhere! it depends how you look at it” - the whole world belongs to him, and the whole world belongs to everyone else too.
yomo renji in general, i like characters that trudge along in the background and do the nitty-gritty work that supports the main story. i like people like that irl too. more than anything else, yomo is desperate to form human connections, even though he’s shackled by self-doubt and self-loathing. he just wants to positively contribute to a community, thinking he’s most useful keeping a quiet eye on people who might need protection/guidance (while still giving them space to grow and act themselves) or foraging for human corpses so that others aren’t in danger or moral anguish doing it for themselves.
bird boy is a total weapon - “the perfect ghoul” - and you’re reminded over and over again but a lot of his growth is about rejecting violence and repurposing his power as something productive that he can use to help the people around him instead of hurting people (the yang to uta’s yin). in the first few chapters, he says he kills humans (he’s a ghoul, humans are food, it’s natural) and yet he’s consistently framed as a scavenger who seeks out ‘roadkill’ [suicide victims] for sustenance, even before coming to anteiku, and implements a system so other people can do the same.
suguru getou i was originally gonna say meg bc i love him but, having just finished The Flashback Arc, i can’t stop thinking about getou and i’m beyond impressed with how akutami has managed to ground him so well, so sympathetically. getou is the sick, warped darkness to the hopeful light that gojou commands but... in an uncomfortable twist, the reverse is true, kind of.
actually, gojou is arrogant and confrontational and hyper individualistic. he’s a dissident. getou is obedient, compassionate, self-aware... he has a sense of social responsibility and passionately believes that his skills should be used to protect those who can’t protect themselves - non-jujutsu sorcerers - and all of the suffering he endures as a result is worth that. idk if others are reading his downfall differently but, from where i’m standing, that overwhelming responsibility never goes away, he doesn’t give up on it - he just starts to view the social landscape differently and begins to see how jujutsu sorcerers are vilified and mistreated in spite of all the good that they do. the ‘weak’ aren’t really weak when they’re able to organise and assert collective power over a minority, and so his sympathies shift.
the nail in the coffin for getou is learning that the hurt and pain could be eradicted from the world by cutting the head of the proverbial snake: non-jujutsu users generate cursed energy, so get rid of non-jujutsu users and cursed energy won’t be generated. it’s all horribly, weirdly rooted in good intentions that weigh him down and misdirect him. shinazugawa genya i feel like the bond that slowly starts to develop betwen tanjirou, and zenitsu and inosuke (in particular) is nicely foiled by genya’s lonely journey towards becoming a pillar. after losing almost all of his family and having sanemi walk away, genya is angry, antisocial, rude, violent, evasive...
he’s characterised as competitive, as if he hates his peers and wants to leave them in the dust as an act of self-satisfaction, a power fantasy or whenever, but this is a deliberate misdirection to cover for the fact that he’s scrambling to be a pillar so that he can reconnect with his brother and prove to him that he can protect himself; that sanemi doesn’t need to shoulder everything alone like he used to. his entire goal is an act of apology.
and in a story where so many characters are able to hone these exceptional skills, genya is uniquely disadvantaged as the only one who can’t master breathing techniques. rather than having a hero moment and powering up, his need to reconnect with sanemi is so strong that he essentially decides to compromise his humanity and become a kind of monster by ingesting the demons he’s pledged to annihilate. amajiki tamaki i wish i had a a longer explanation for this one but it’s actually super simple: tamaki is a really, really, really good portrayal of a person burdened with severe anxiety. the way he physically carries himself, the way he hides his face, his manner of speaking, his dependency on his mirio, how he interprets compliments as trickery, how he needs to be pushed and pushed and pushed before he’s finally able to release his potential... every single scene with tamaki felt deeply personal when i was reading bnha and i knew exactly what he was supposed to be feeling. shinmon benimaru sometimes good, nice people don’t fit a little friendly mould and i like that benimaru is hostile and rough and antisocial, even with people he cares about. he doesn’t expect anything of people, he doesn’t want them interfering with him, and he wants to help and support them all the same because he believes in community. he’s completely oppositional to the special fire force because he thinks it’s a tool to pursue an ideology rather than to protect people, which is why it’s so important when the eighth are finally able to win his approval - they become the only company the seventh consider allies, and it’s proof that their objectives are righteous. despite his reputation as... kind of a nuisance, his skill is acknowledged by everyone and he’s universally regarded as the strongest fire soldier there is. in spite of his antisocial attitude, he agrees that it’s important to share that with younger fire soldiers - he’s incredibly patient and understanding with them, helps them to individually adapt. the way he (and others in company seven) operate in contrast to the other companies when fighting infernals is really cool to me for two reasons: (1) it provides a commentary on how cultures and traditions often struggle to survive when they’re systematically (forcefully) replaced through power and wealth - although the subtext is a little troubling because it’s unclear whether ōkubo is conflating multiculturalism with globalisation which, uh, big nope; and (2) philosophically speaking, the approach to death is interesting. where the other companies essentially perform last rites and offer absolution to the deceased, benimaru personally takes responsibility - at the request of the people in his district - for sending them off in huge public display, kind of like a festival intending to celebrate their life. i think it speaks to how profoundly he values life. akihiko kaji i liked akihiko from the beginning because he’s stoic and introspective and also excitable and dumb. he’s a people watcher and waits for opportunities to softly guide uenoyama and mafuyu when they’re quietly crying out for help but doesn’t interfere any more than he thinks is necessary because he knows they can make their own way to where they need to go. i liked akihiko even more when he got really fucking messy. his relationship with ugetsu is sweet and it’s incredibly ugly and unhealthy because they both fail utterly to communicate with one another - they’re both to blame for avoiding and hurting each other, and i think that’s a really normal issue that people find difficult to overcome. i’m super interested (and really nervous) to see how his relationship with haruki develops. he’s done some horrible things to haruki and i want him to be accountable for those things and have them affect their relationship in a realistic way.
tanigaki genjirou one thing i really, really love about golden kamuy is the way noda satoru incorporates the importance of minority cultures into the story, and tanigaki’s apparent abandonment of his matagi heritage is really beautifully written. matagi hunting traditions shaped his life as a young man, it’s how he was able to really assimilate to the people around him and form relationships and - without getting too spoilery - he divorces himself from it all when he’s overcome by grief and hatches a plan for revenge against the person responsible. so, by allowing himself to surrender to negative feelings and thoughts instead of seeking support and learning to heal from what happened, he becomes a total shadow of himself.
makimura takeshi i know i’ve gushed about it before but i can’t properly explain just how incredible it felt seeing an asexual character in manga dialogue about being asexual, and devils’ line does it twice. the reason i’m so attached to makimura in particular is because he doesn’t seem to have fully figured it out - and he’s kinda... comfortable with that. he wants to be with someone and he wants to be monogamous but he can’t understand why he doesn’t feel sexual desire towards her; he knows his feelings aren’t platonic but doesn’t know whether they can really be called romantic either.
not to go dark mode but i very vividly remember just how lonely and horrifying it was battling with those uncertainties when i was a teenager, thinking i was broken because i didn’t have Normal Human Feelings and needed to be fixed. i was so worried about it that i thought about all the boys i knew, picked the one i thought was the nicest and actively tried to develop a crush on him. it was dumb as fuck but, ten years later, i realise it was really desperate and sad too. i forced myself to have ~my first kiss~ (it was horrible) because i felt like i was getting left behind and i think i would’ve put myself in worse situations as i got older if i hadn’t suffered with such bad social anxiety.
i hadn’t really thought too much about a lot of this stuff for yeaaars but it all came flooding back when i was reading devils’ line. it was bittersweet bc i was remembering all of those shitty feelings but also watching this character grapple with those same questions and go: i don’t know yet and that’s not weird, let’s just grow with it. i still don’t totally know whether i’m ace or aro or bi, or whatever, but i’m trying to be okay with just... not knowing.
misora shuuji anyway, devils’ line isn’t actually a manga with a specific focus on sexuality and gender but shimanami tasogare is and all of the characters are written beautifully. if you haven’t read it yet... then why haven’t you read it yet? misora is only about twelve years old and watching them battle with their growing pains is really compelling - they’re closeted but, through the lounge, they have somewhere to explore their gender and all the questions they have about it. they’re amab and present as traditionally feminine wrt clothes, wigs, makeup, etc. but can’t quite tell if they see themselves as a girl, a boy or non-binary.
with the onset of puberty and anxieties about physical changes to their body, misora’s story puts a lot of emphasis on the pressure they face to just ‘make up their mind’ about something that’s actually incredibly complex and doesn’t have any easy answers. they snap and shout and get upset, especially when tasuku (the protag) tries to push them into a corner because he wants a concrete label or identity he can attach to misora, even though space is exactly what misora needs.
#jujutsu kaisen#given#kimetsu no yaiba#boku no hero academia#enen no shouboutai#tokyo ghoul#shimanami tasogare#devils' line#golden kamuy#moomins#mine*edit
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ok not to be That Magnus Stan but seeing your last ask... how do you think adhd/sensory issues might intersect with kink for Magnus? (You don't have to answer jkjljljljkllljlk)
i mean pls be That Magnus Stan tbh, and id be more than happy to answer it 👀👀👀
also the ask you’re referring to is no longer my last ask because it took me a while to finish this up, but anyway
ok so there's plenty of things that apply the same way to the both of them - like hyperfixating on their characters when planning roleplay, definitely the whole thing about how domspace (well, subspace for magnus, but u get it) feels a bit like hyperfocus? like his senses are just honed in and particularly for an adhd person that's just great news. like usually his head is all over the place but when he's in subspace he gets that quiet and he's just focusing on his own pleasure and everything else quiets down for a bit
in that sense i feel like it's the opposite of what anon said about being overwhelmed, like, i feel like the enhanced sensations are good for magnus because again adhd = brain desperately looking for stimuli at all times, so when he's engaging in like, orgasm delay/denial, gangbang and the like, he has a clear thing to focus on, sometimes even more than he can really process, and that kind of satisfies his brain?
udhdudndid that sounds stupid but i hope you understand what i mean, like, of course sensory issues could become bad and he might need to safeword but when he's in the proper headspace and he just allows himself to be washed over by the pleasure and let go, it feels like finally his mind is clear. i don't know if i have adhd, but it definitely feels that way for me. also, he might actually need the overstimulation in order to focus and feel pleasure, sometimes. like anything less he just.... wanders away jdhdudjdi i also feel that way
also, warning again just in case! im not saying "wow ppl with adhd are subs". im just conjecturing about how a person who happens to have adhd and be into subbing (and like, specifically the kind of adhd and kinks i hc for magnus) would feel in regards to how those things overlap and change their experience with their pleasure. or well, magnus specifically, not just any person with adhd. but anyway
also that thing i said about following orders and just letting go, like- usually his mind is going a mile a minute, and as a political leader and someone who's been on his own most of his life etc he just worries all the time. how to present, gesticulate, speak, what to say, what to do, he's always hyperaware of his own movements (because he has to) and worrying about others and their pleasure and comfort and shit, so to get to just lie back, not move - be unable to move, even - follow orders and be a good boy? that's some A+ shit right there
you know? he doesnt have to be anxious about anything or try to keep his thoughts and movements in check and guess ppl's reactions or even worry if he's just following orders - orders he knows he'll enjoy, that he's agreed to, planned for, with someone that he trusts - and feeling the pleasure that comes from that. a huge part of his usual thoughts is finally muted and that helps him feel relaxed and mellow and get into subspace. which again, he craves, because usually adhd brain is just aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so subspace is a very welcome and even needed break
even from a neurological standpoint, like... adhd is basically lack of norepinephrine in the brain, and orgasms, especially intense ones, release a lot of that, but I'll try not to nerd out too hard here. tho i might have to go back to that in a minute
isnt it performance art that i had a genius thought that i loved and halfway through finishing the last sentence i just forgot it
oh yeah! thinking specifically about rsd and how this comes into play for someone who's into humiliation kink. there are several psychological analyses that postulate that one of the things attractive about bdsm is that it allows you to explore fears and generally bad situations in a controlled environment. kinda like reading fiction or doing extreme sports. so in that sense bdsm is attractive because it allows you to act on those fears and turn them into something 1- safe, 2- under their control, instead of the other way around, and 3- pleasurable
and like... dont get me wrong it's not that magnus is into being told "ur ugly and no one loves you" or something lmao but in a way humiliation kink is enacting a fantasy of rejection/belittling, except turned inside out? like "you're my good little fucktoy, you were made to be fucked like this, you slut" is degrading and belittling and on the verge of calling someone worthless... except positive. because that's what makes them so great to fuck? so in a way this kind of play flips the tables on many concepts because being a "slut" or a "toy" feels like a compliment. and in this process of degradation you are taking the fear of being worthless and making a scenario where that being true is exactly what makes the person worthwhile
idk i might be reaching a bit here cuz i think im into humiliation that's way more hardcore than i think magnus would be like i straight up enjoy being called worthless lmao but i feel like that makes sense, the way that humiliation/degradation play takes your fear of rejection or shortcoming and is like "but if that were true.... that would make you good" like o shit can't argue with that
and again like.... obviously that's all a very careful line as you're dealing with some sensitive stuff, which is why doms need to go through training to be able to deal with the physical and mental implications of what they're doing. and none of this is conscious of course, i don't think magnus is out there thinking this through deeply or anything, im just saying it's a part of what makes bdsm subconsciously appealing to some ppl. but my point is, rsd might play a part in why magnus is into that mix of praise and humiliation. like i think he needs the praise for reassurance even during play, which alec is more than happy to provide ("you're so beautiful, look at you, so perfect like this, i love you,"), and that kind of play where rejection, praise, and pleasure are all kind of one and the same is appealing because it just makes it all the more overwhelming without actually being negative and your mind is just lost in the almost contradictory stimuli but the pleasure and the positive wins out and you just feel so relaxed and good? yeah
but there's also like, the way that impacts the negative possible outcomes of bdsm. namely, rsd and subdrop
rsd is kind of obvious so i'll try to be brief: it's a sensitive issue and if he's not in the proper headspace for it, it can have the opposite effect and go very wrong very fast, because his reaction to rejection is hyperamplified by it. so if it has the opposite of the desired effect - rejection overpowering praise and pleasure - it might go south so fast he doesnt have the time to yellow. like he can't prevent it before it happens, you know? which is also why i think he wouldn't go Super Deep into humiliation and why the mix with praise is key - which is another way in which they are compatible because alec sure does love praising him
as for subdrop: if you don't know what that is, basically BDSM play is very intense and releases a fuckton of endorphins all at once very fast, so, sometimes, the sub doesn't come down from their orgasm as much as falls facefirst back to earth. meaning, their brain empties itself of endorphins, which leaves them feeling hollow and depressed, sometimes also moody, hypersensitive/prone to crying, fatigued, and just generally bad
which is one of the many reasons aftercare is important! and also proper dom training! with proper aftercare, you can prevent that drop from happening, by keeping the sub feeling positively. reassurance, touch, and other forms to bring physical and/or psychological relief and/or pleasure helps keep their brain from just crashing once the rush of endorphins is over, so it lasts a little longer and they can come down from the high gently. work those neurotransmitters yall! keep them up and running!
so anyway i feel like subdrop is not only a bigger deal for ppl with adhd (because adhd is already a lack of neurotransmitters so fucking up your balance even further is Very Bad), but also more likely to happen if you're not careful, because the "regular" adhd brain already has a lack of neurotransmitters, which keep those endorphins running. so adhd ppl might "run out" of them even easier
NOTE: i'm not affirming that, this is a shot in the dark. i have no data or research to back that up and im nowhere near an expert in neuroscience, i just know the basics. so don't take this part too seriously and definitely don't quote me on it
but anyWAY yeah. my point is, subdrop can be a problem so it’s something that he tries to be prepared for, have some snacks before and after, do proper aftercare, etc. like i said, it’s mostly preventable, although sometimes stuff like this happens even if you do your best. but anyway
and there’s another thing too, which is that one possible sympton of subdrop is feeling rejected and alone. which is super fun when you have rsd! so yeah. subdrop can be very bad for magnus. and like, don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying it happens every time or super frequently or something, but it IS something he has to watch out for possibly more than others haha man thinking about how camille didn’t care about this at ALL. he knows it can be bad, but he’s also learnt how to prevent it for him, and as the healthy bastards that they are, magnus and alec talk about that in length. during alec’s Research™ he comes across that concept and he brings it up with magnus and makes sure that he knows everything there is to know about how and when magnus experiences subdrop and how to deal with that. he also makes magnus promise to let him know if he ever has it, because alec WILL drop everything to go and give him extra care. and it’s sweet
on a better note! BDSM has been shown to be associated with lower levels of rejection sensitivity among practitioners. so that’s nice? like obviously magnus won’t find the cure for his rsd with BDSM or anything, but i like the idea of magnus opening his eyes one day and realizing that hey, ever since alec and i have been doing play more often, i’ve been feeling a little less affected by rejection?
also like, BDSM as a whole helps enhance trust and communication in a relationship (obviously it needs to already be there for the BDSM activities to take place and like please everyone everything i’m saying here is on people who enjoy it. how you perceive these actions is heavily influenced by whether or not you enjoyed them so i’m not saying that BDSM is great for everyone, i’m saying that it’s great for people who are into it. so don’t go thinking BDSM will do your relationship good or something, k? k) for obvious reasons, so that also helps magnus feel more secure you know. so that’s a positive way that these things interact too
and okay, i think that’s all i have? not that this isn’t gigantic but like you know. i don’t know how to end this other than uh i had fun answering that ask! also, again, i’m not a psychologist or a neuroscientist and there is actually pretty little research on the psychological effects of BDSM as most of the discussion seems to be centered on “is kink a disease?” due to stigmatization, so like, please, i’m doing this for fun, alright? i tried to make it as accurate as possible and also i get Into It and dive deep into research sometimes so while this is a somewhat educated guess, don’t take everything i say here as face value
in short, thanks for asking!
#ask#anonymous#hooo boy this is long and i've been at it for a while but it's here at least#sh#shadowhunters#magnus bane#sub magnus bane#adhd magnus bane#malec#meta#magnus bane meta#dirty mention#long post#also this is officially my 41.000th post#yay!"
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hoooo my god. this is for ME
for me. for godzilla. :’)
➤ rules; make headcanons of you and a character of your choice, be it sfw or nsfw.
Thank you so much for tagging me @spicyness! I’m gonna SKAJHDSKJ. HHHHH. This is everything? Fuck I just want a purple boyfriend 😫 this will be about Shinsou because I like him a normal amount :-)
First off, I’m a pain in the ass. My sense of humor is wack (it’s basically just ‘annoy my friends and loved ones’), I’m always fricken TANKING The Mood (because it’s funny and I physically cannot resist making a Funny if the opportunity’s there), everything turns into a game unless you make me stop wink wonk. Shinsou seems like the type to snort in amusement and roll his eyes at my dumb antics, and I appreciate that! If I could make him legit laugh I’d die happy. (I am also emotionally savvy enough to know when to draw the line though, don’t worry. It’s just, man, my idea of fun is ‘LET’S ROAST ‘EM’)
I love cats. I’ll lose my whole mind over them. They NEED head kisses. Shinsou also likes cats. He also needs head kisses. That’s it, that’s the bullet point
Being open and honest and genuine is important to me. I believe most any relationship (friendship or otherwise) can work if you’re willing to communicate and empathize with the other person: I would 100% be willing to hear Shinsou’s shit, and he seems like he’d be a good listener too. I’m also good at logicking things through and he seems like he’d appreciate that. Likewise, he seems like he’d do the same for me, and as long as we stayed humble and weren’t looking to be offended (I don’t Do That -- he’s a Cancer -- love you, Cancers -- so it might take him a minute to get on the same page, but he’s emotionally smort and cares about me so I think he’d be willing to work at it) then we could help each other through emotionally hard stuff with hard truths. Plus, I’m a super honest person: if he was in a relationship with me he’d probably be pretty secure in knowing I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. If past shit comes up with him, I’ll talk to him. Talking’s the good shit, y’all: utilize patience and empathy and you’ll be so well off!
I also battle, with a big fucking sword, a lot with mental health stuff (LMAOOOO WHO DON’T!!! YEET). I used to struggle with agoraphobia and still deal with anxiety and depression. On top of that, I have something like chronic fatigue -- I’ve been calling it chronic fatigue because I’m fucking tired, all the time. My top energy levels are like a 35% on a fantastic day. I really like the idea of this boye seeing me melting into a puddle, face down on the carpet, and bein like “how’s it going down there? you okay?” and the answer being obviously no, but him just like. Man I dunno. He seems like the kind of person who’s tired, but who can live with it. I can’t! When I’m tired, that’s it babes! I hit a 0% on my battery and I’ll collapse! So I just, hhhh. Don’t laugh, but I like to fantasize about him bundling me up and into bed. Thinkin’ about Birthday Snoot by my good friend @lord-explosion-baku and melting, okay?? OKAY???? I’m soft, the truth’s OUT, FUCK! I want to be taken care of like a sad but pampered cat.
(Please read Birthday Snoot I still cry over it)
Also I’m gross and struggle to shower often enough because it’s exhausting so bein given a gentle bath? oh MAN. Hands softly running through my stupid, terrible hair...asking me about my day and if anything happened that triggered me feeling this bad...just....the tenderness....the gentle affection.....being loved even when I’m at my lowest. Being cared for when I can’t do it myself. That’s a legit fantasy y’all. We out here!
I love to SNOOZE. I love being COZY. You bet your sweet bippy I’m gonna sprawl over a couch and take up the whole thing. Shinsou’d better be willing to snuggle the fuck up. I’ve got great squish which I personally feel like’s great for cuddling: I’m like warm taffy. How better to gently seep into every crevasse of your Favorite Person while enjoying a cozy cuddle?
Listen, everyone fucks hard with Shinsou calling his S/O ‘kitten’, and I agree (def have written leetle -- HOO -- leetle scenarios with that nickname because wow) but I get all wibbly with the idea of He calling me ‘Angel’. A joke at first because, like, guys, I’m really nice. (I know it sounds bad when people say they’re nice and LSDFLKJDF I AM, OKAY. I’ve worked on it. Cultivated the skill of kindness! Being kind isn’t easy, and sometimes you just wanna go apeshit, but I’ve worked hard to improve upon myself! Yeet!) But I also just really fucking love being annoying. I simply cannot resist the urge to sneak up behind someone and poke them in the ribs. I rib-poke while in the deep depths of making out too, I’ve tanked the mood a lot so picture my dumb ass Pink Panther’ing behind Shinsou, prepared to be Evil while he’s, idk, making breakfast or something, and before I can commit a Rib Crime he uses his hero training and fast reflexes and honed senses and all that good stuff to snatch my wrist and ask “what’re you up to, angel?” the answer is nothing, because he’s killed me by being sexy and fast and hero-y, and he’s probably actually killed me by startling me into collapsing like a fainting goat
He gets the deep stuff. Unfortunately for everyone and especially myself, I’m a Thinker with a capital T: it never fucking stops. I had an existential crisis for like three years in a row because of course, but I feel like he knows what it’s like to get lost in your head. Working each other out of panic attacks because holy jesus the universe sure is fucking huge huh? We’re not even a blip on the radar in the history of existence and we’re gonna be dead basically tomorrow aaaand that’s why we’d be good for each other, because I feel like we both have coping mechanisms that keep us from spiraling too bad, and we could share them with each other.
I also so fucking admire his drive, but it makes me angry that stupid fucking hero society would discriminate in the first place.
Oh, yeah, that’s another good point: I’m hella mad about 98% of the time and I work hard to hide it! Because innocent people don’t deserve to get yelled at! I feel like Shinsou’s smart enough to sense when I’m about to pop and he can be like “heyyyyy...you wanna talk this out constructively instead of getting into a public brawl?” and I’ll be like “NO but I’ll do it for you because I love you” and then we get pizza.
Because I’m fine and balanced and stuff, I made a quirk for myself if I was in the BNHA-verse, and basically I can get stronger at the expense of higher thinking skills and will turn into a weapon of mass destruction against whatever I’m pointing at (ugh, that’s so sexy. Fuck I wanna be a big spooky buff as shit monster thing), friend or foe, so Shinsou and I would work well in tandem because if I got too rowdy he could use his quirk and get me to calm down! Keep me from accidentally doing a murder! Nice!
Okay this is nsfw so if you’re under 18 DON’T READ IT. I’LL CALL YOUR PARENTS. GET OFF MY BLOG.
Relating to the point above, QUIRKPLAY. Mind control me into stuff I want to do but am too awkward to ask for, please and THANK you. Also, Shinsou’s a top. Gotta be, and thank god for it because I’m certainly not. I’m not happy about being a fucking bottom, because my first and most powerful personalty trait is ‘be as annoying as possible to the people you like; don’t let them tell you what to do.’ Can’t make it easy on myself, nope. Anyway, I want the appearance of being a top without the responsibility because damn, gotta be like, suave and shit. Gotta plan stuff. I don’t like that! I do that enough in real life and I don’t like it there, either! But whatever. I’m a brat and I feel betrayed by my coochie for it. But Shinsou’s a top and he’d tease me for being Fucking Terrible, and suddenly I wouldn’t be so mad at my coochie. She has her reasons.
I...like Shinsou for a lot of reasons, but a really big one, for sure, is that I feel like he can communicate about the important stuff. He likes to tease, but he knows when to be serious too. I’m really wack about being close and intimate with people and I have, hhh, special requirements to be able to sleep with them, and I feel like he’d both be able to respect AND honor that. Like, run through the rest of the BNHA boys with me here: would Bakugou be able to be completely cool, calm, and collected while still teasing, but knowing where to draw the line? Todoroki’s closer maybe, but he’s not as people-smart (which is also a big thing for me). Confidence (or at least the appearance of it when it’s important), respect, communication, listening and respecting what I ask for even if it seems wack -- Shinsou has that, and god is it attractive.
Also, mind control.
Also, his capture weapon.
Also you know this motherfucker is kinky as shit. Thank the good lord.
Also, sexy-slow makeouts with his long, nimble hands running up my outer thighs to squeeze my waist -- teeth on neck, stolen gasps of breath --
\\\\\\
I feel bad because all of this, fuckin, WALL of text is pretty much ‘this is what purble boy can do for me’ and I don’t say a lot I’d do for him, but if I got someone like him I’d go to the end of the earth for them. I may be a perpetually-sleepy bitch, but one of my best -- and worst -- character traits is my unwavering loyalty. I’ll be 110% down to kick anyone’s ass who insults him: he can fight his own battles, but he shouldn’t have to over some dumbass with a big mouth and a little brain. Making him smile and laugh, oof, be still my beating heart. Words of encouragement when life gets too much. Genuine thanks for his help, whatever it may be. Hugs, because we’re both touch-starved as fuck and he deserves gentleness, dammit. He doesn’t seem like his love language is receiving gifts -- more like quality time and words of affirmation? Maybe physical touch? -- but I’d still get him little things that made me think of him, that could help him in his day to day life or maybe just bring a smile to his face. We could rescue each other at social conventions, have dates to the humane society and play with cats. Support each other through our depression days, prove that even having a brain that’s mean to you sometimes doesn’t make you unlovable. Man, idk. The whole thing’s soft and makes my heart go doki-doki. Hitoshi Shinsou is an extremely good person and god damn I’d want to show him I appreciated him and existing at the same time as him. He deserves love and kindness. He deserves someone to kiss every knuckle of his hand. He deserves hugs in the kitchen and blankets being pulled over his shoulders when he falls asleep at the desk. He deserves only good things, and I’d be honored to give them to him.
HHHHH.
Okay! If you made it to the end of this, congratulations! You don’t actually get anything, but boy oh boy you have a lot of information about ME now! Aren’t you delighted? Heh. So! You tag people for this stuff, and I’m gonna tag @lord-explosion-baku, @bnhascribbles, @perpetual-bed-head, @russianonion, @weebsinstash, and last but certainly not least, @usernamekate94. Tell me about Monoma, Kate. Tell me.
#god this is a mess. anyway#I just! he's a good boy brent!!!! ;_;#self ship meme#author x character#I would feel embarrassed if I possessed the ability to feel embarrassed#I'm weak for one (1) man: so WHAT if he's fictional#I can daydream about giving him the hugs he deserves!!! AND I WILL
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Since I’m still in a danganronpa mood, I’m making a brain dump of the V3 fic that I’m not sure I’ll write yet, just so I don’t lose these ideas down the line. This is mostly my own notes so idk if it will make sense yet to anyone else lol. But on the highly likely chance that I don’t write this fic... let the record show that I had these ideas, at least.
Working summary (needs revision, but I usually finalize the summary towards the end anyway, so this is just to set up the fic):
Shuichi Saihara lacks confidence in everything except his near-perfect memory. Against all odds, he is one of the two student volunteers that gets accepted into Hope’s Peak’s Danganronpa program. But imaginary killing games are just that… imaginary. Returning to a normal school life should have been a relief, but how do you recognize what’s real when your mind lives in two different realities?
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Kokichi Ouma already expected Hope’s Peak to be full of eccentric weirdos. First, there’s the new classmate who is a robot. Then there’s Harukawa making friends with a robot, and harboring a strangely intense grudge against Kokichi. And then there’s Saihara. Insecure, stuttering, can’t-lie-through-his-teeth Saihara, who is now fibbing confidently to Kokichi’s face while asking him to stab his hand. How interesting!
Saihara is playing a long game with him. Kokichi doesn’t know the rules, but he knows he’s going to win.
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Okay actual brain dump time.
Background Info:
Non-Despair Hope’s Peak is famous for enriching talented students and for their VR simulation training. It’s something that’s already being used in highly specialized fields (research, military, etc) and is super expensive but Hope’s Peak is Hope’s Peak so of course they have access to this kind of tech.
So this isn’t just Danganronpa, they can also use the simtech for basically anything. Adventure simulation for Rantaro, hyper-realistic business scenarios to navigate through for Togami, etc.
The Danganronpa Project, however, is the most intense application of the simtech. They have a mental health assessment and all that jazz for the students who go through the project, and they’re reaaally picky about who gets in. Usually you can only be scouted for the project.
Past participants include: Kyoko and Makoto (+ Alter Ego), Komaeda and Hinata (+ Virtual Chiaki, Monomi). Chiaki and Chihiro both work on the project itself and the Neo World Program, but they have not participated in it themselves.
This year’s participants are Maki and Shuichi (+ Kiibo). Rantaro was supposed to be there but Shuichi took his spot. Shuichi is also the only student who applied for the program; he wasn’t scouted, and he got in because idk maybe Hinata or Komaeda saw something in him and recommended him or something??
Shuichi would never apply for that kind of program but Kyoko basically gave him a wake up call to work on his insecurities and somehow he found out about the DR Project and was like “well if this made Kyoko a better detective, I guess I should try”
All the ridiculous stuff in DR is there on purpose so that students who wake up from the simulation will find it easier to remember the experience as fake and not real. For example: the blood is neon pink on purpose, the crazy plot is unrealistic on purpose, cospox, bear mascots, etc. So what happens is that while you’re immersed, you think it’s real, but when you wake up and sort through your memories, you find it easier to categorize DR as a simulation and not “real”. It’s like when you remember a dream and recognize it as a dream and not an actual memory.
But in order to actually help you in the immersion while you’re in the simulation, they use characters based on people you already know (i.e. their classmates). It’s kinda like when you’re in a dream but don’t know you’re dreaming yet.
Okay so the reason this is important is because Hope’s Peak can recruit you for your actual talent, but you get to choose what talent to hone and present to the world (within reason). So for example, Rantaro is the lucky student but he’s also an actual adventurer so that’s his talent. But the main plot point is that Shuichi has the Ultimate Memory (important!!) but he’s also a good detective and his memory helps out with that a lot so he’s now the Ultimate Detective. Still not sure what Ouma’s talent should be. More on that later.
Anyway, this batch’s DR simulation is special because everyone had different objectives. Shuichi’s was, of course, to solve the killing game. Maki is the Ultimate Bodyguard, so her objective was to protect the other student participants (Shuichi + Kiibo). Kiibo is an AI so his objective was to have the full human experience or something.
Story Info:
Okay, story actually starts after the simulation ends, but Shuichi doesn’t wake up immediately because his Ultimate Memory is like... stopping him from breaking immersion. This only happened once before with Komaeda (but in his case, it was mostly because of trauma from his death), so they used World Destroyer again to wake Shuichi up.
This all happens maybe a month into the school year btw. So they’re familiar with HP but they haven’t had enough time to really get to know their classmates yet.
Shuichi and Maki wake up from the simulation, get debriefed, etc. They go back to the dorms as changed people, basically, and everyone notices that. Oh, and all the past DR participants are basically like, their own group now (including Chiaki and Chihiro) so they’re all looking out for Maki and Shuichi and helping them get back on their feet and stuff.
And it’s super hard to adjust to a normal life at first. Maki has to work on her relationship with Kaito all over again. Unlike in DR, Shuichi wasn’t close to HP!Kaede so Kaede’s like... trying to be nice but is also super confused why Shuichi is confident now and treating her like a close friend. Maki and Shuichi become close which everyone thinks is really weird because Maki doesn’t have friends and Shuichi is always anxious, what happened to them??
They eventually do work things out with the class and adjust. A few weeks later they get a transfer student in the form of Kiibo, as a robot, who “went through enough training that he is now ready to practice humanity in the real world”. Obviously he still remembers his time in DR and becomes fast friends with Maki and Shuichi as a result.
All of this, Ouma finds REALLY weird. Maybe he should get to the bottom of this.
The one thing that Shuichi has trouble with, though, is that he keeps repeating his memories of DR because he feels like he solved every puzzle in the story except... Ouma. He still doesn’t understand DR!Ouma. HP doesn’t allow him to enter the simulation again so he’s left with trying to understand DR!Ouma by... figuring out HP!Ouma
Also, even though he knows his DR memories are just a simulation, his talent kinda makes it difficult for him to distinguish between two realities, maybe? Like, he can distinguish them, it’s just extra hard and requires more effort?
Anyway the main thing I really want to explore is Shuichi trying to figure out DR!Ouma through HP!Ouma, and HP!Ouma trying to figure out this weird game Shuichi is playing with him.
And also Shuichi probably sort of likes DR!Ouma? Of course he eventually realizes and accepts that HP!Ouma is not DR!Ouma so he tries to get over it and see Ouma for who he really is.
After Shuichi comes back from the simulation, Ouma starts to see Shuichi as interesting. And he’s kinda interested in him but he’s in this weird place where he (HP!Ouma) is competing with himself (DR!Ouma) in Shuichi’s head and like... idk how to explain this but this is the thing that I want to explore in the story okay
At some point, Ouma probably gets Miu to hack Kiibo so he can see his DR memories?
Lots of Maki+Shuichi and Maki+Ouma moments because dear lord we need more of that honestly
Writing Notes:
I can see this as a two-shot fic where the first part is in Kokichi’s POV after Shuichi and Maki come back from the simulation, and the second part in Shuichi’s POV after he decides to get over DR!Ouma
Idk if I want DICE to exist in this fic... somehow I’m thinking of Ouma as an Ultimate Showman but also as like... someone who would be an amazing director/stage manager, which works into his leadership and entertainment abilities. I really need to pinpoint his actual talent for the fic. I feel like that will answer a lot of my questions...
We are not writing Ouma as an orphan, no sir, HP!Ouma is a well-adjusted, supremely talented (heh) but otherwise normal boy. But DR!Ouma also has to be inspired from something in HP!Ouma... need to brainstorm this a bit more...
Non-Despair Hope’s Peak needs more worldbuilding tbh
Other things to brainstorm later: I feel like Shuichi would benefit greatly from talking to Komaeda, and Maki with Hinata. Shuichi and Maki would also feel at ease with Rantaro at first because he died so early in the game that there’s less dissonance between HP! and DR! Rantaro. Gonta is also probably the most similar to his DR self.
How do DR participants feel about Tsumugi and Enoshima?
Feels like... the best way to explore all of these ideas and show contrast is to put Shuichi and Ouma in situations similar to DR but very toned down and different. Examples: class debates (DR trials), an actual case to work on (killing game), something to do with gambling and games (FTEs + Casino).
* Side note: Celeste could set up a gambling club with Ouma and the lucky students
** Side note 2: if there’s a debate club, all the DR participants are absolutely going to be there. Or maybe they formed it themselves? *puts thinking hat on*
But mystery story... sounds hard to write...
Idk, I feel like I fleshed out a lot of the background info but not... the actual story or the current setting of non-despair Hope’s Peak, so actually moving forward with the story is like trying to win a snail race...
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I've been remembering things... like a normal person... and unlike a normal person and forgetting things also...
I keep remembering when Matt's grandpa saw me at Putt-Putt... at least twice.
The first time he kept touching me while I was playing this kiss the frog game... enough to where I punched him and pushed him nearly down cause he kept touching me behind me where I couldn't see him and then he grabbed my arm that's when I pushed him
Then he acted like nothing happened and asked me how I played the game. I told him I would move and he could play that's when he pushed against me again and I told him to wait and i would move and he said he didn't even want to play he just wanted to know how.
What the fuck was that shit? He walked away cause he was already Hurt cause I didn't look at him Like I play the games he does.
Then I saw him again on Joe's daughter's birthday and he was behind the counter and we had this whole discussion, Joe and I did about who he was and he just kept going off so he then pretended like he was Joe's dad.
He left the same time we did... I was there with my ex husband and daughter in my exhusbands car... I sat in the back seat because we were going to get divorced but I didn't trust him alone with my daughter so we did family things so I could make sure they could be social together and she could be safe.
Then another time in my parents town we went to walmart... which wasn't normal for us and we parked far from the doors and there was plenty of room near the doors... and when we left there was a white rental car parked next to ours but way closer than I felt should be normal... and I was all super paranoid while my kid got in the car and stood on her side of the car while she got in... a lot because she got startled by him... sitting in the car... on a laptop.
I knew it was the same guy I thought was Joe's dad.
But then i saw a photo of Matt's grandpa not too long ago...
Tonight I asked Matt.... are you sure I was pregnant with you kids and it wasn't your grandpa? Cause it really seems like your grandpa is a rapist and I don't remember getting pregnant by you and shouldn't that be something I remember?
I remember getting pregnant with my daughter and I must say it wasn't the best sex in my life and in fact I was quite tired and wasn't really into it but...
But I sense all this general badness wi th my getting pregnant earlier ...
I mean... my mom did get all crazy when she realized I was and we had to call the cops....
And we were in a lot of foster homes...
But it doesn't seem right...
---
His answer is: Matt your gramma will read that..
well it didn't stop him from getting his ass beat when his wife was at the putt-putt with him and their friends. I think she should know the truth about what her husband does. Quit hiding behind children. It also explains why the infants were murdered. Because before I couldn't understand. I've been thinking about it at least once a week for months.
----
So now Matt says we had had sex after I was pregnant, in a new foster Home and I had said "finally the first time we have had sex..." and I was very tired so I didn't finish
Matt thinks he's funny so he says "what?!? Those aren't my kids?!"
And I didn't know what to say because back then, I had amnesia a good portion of the time... I had gotten pregnant in the summer then sent back to my parents house to start school. And i no longer could button my pants and I knew zipping them up part of the way wasn't going to last long and I had to tell my mom I needed new clothes and it seemed like there was some alien weirdness inside me.
So then MATT also likes attention so he called everyone he knew to brag he had had sex.... and his grandpa said something about finding out when the DNA came out whose kids they were, his or his.
And Matt said "what are you telling me, you have been raping my woman?!"
And his grandpa snap hissed, "I told you I had sex with her, didn't i?!?"
He's that old plantation type that comes from negro slaves and that sort although his family was poorer than his wife's, he understood that a "man" got his sex however he pleased and a woman had no right to disobey him. Although if his negros went on strike and didn't do all his work for him, he'd been a poor man with nothing to his name so Idk who he thought he was that his duck was made of gold plated stainless steel cause it sure wasn't anything I'd write home about except to say everyone should stay away from it...
So to this terrible old white man, rape and sex was the same thing. If he was willing then she should be, too. And if she wasn't then she had her own problems that didn't matter to him and never will.
His problems don't matter to me, either. So whatever Matt's gramma has to do, his gramma has to do.
And his gramma has always known. That's why we went to foster care, I'm quite sure.
The story always was that since I was pregnant we had to be removed from the custodial care. Maybe my mom threw a fit but really she didn't and doesn't like me much so idk. But it didn't matter either because my dad had the upper hand being military and my father. And her just being a bitch.
And so the story was since I was pregnant the people we were with (his family and mine) didn't pay enough attention to us for us to be safe.
But we had sex in the foster hones and they knew and that was supposed to be the whole reason we had to be in foster care, because we had had sex.
And we were always placed together.
I know his gramma knew so this ass hole grandpa all saying "your grand MA is gonna read that matt" as if matts grandma's feelings had ever mattered to him is absolutely ridiculous.
"I told you I had sex with her didn't I boy" as an answer to "you raped her" ..... rape culture should never had a place in our history and shouldn't have a place in our future
---
His gramma is all distressed and I'm like what is the problem didn't you go to the lawyer?
And she's all yes I called but he said he can't see me till next week.
I told her do you can just do one online and it's not a big deal.
She says that's what Matt had told her.
So I ask Matt well did you? She seems really worried and he said yeah and you know my grandpa isn't home.
She said that he said he will come home immediately.
(Because obviously his 4th family isn't as important as making sure he gets his money)
So I'm all what's that short little man going to do to you.
She said something I can't quite remember
And I said "oh he's like Matt, he's got that Hagan charm, makes you want to forgive him as if it was that easy"
Then we go on and she can get all th documents to file for divorce quite easily and since his family was poor and her father protective of his daughter and his family assets she could file and leave him with nearly nothing.
Since he's got multiple families across the country I don't see why he should continue to scrounge off her.
Of course he would do the whole verbal abuse calling her a scrooge and all... but really what's worse the truth or manipulation? Always the truth otherwise there would be no manipulation
He is a rapist no one likes. He's a rapist which means he forces people to have sex with him.
She tried to protect me, Matt and babies she probably never met and he calls her a scrooge. Which is absolutely untrue. She sacrificed great grandchildren and her grandchild of a son whom was murdered and still her seriously scrooge manipulation husband had her great grandchildren killed because he didn't want to lose her money.
So since he did that then I think that absolutely she should divorce him and let him call her Scrooge cause the real scrooge is him and he has destroyed many lives for his own greed and to keep wealth that wasn't his.
Instead of allowing his ass to take money for his greed and multiple families and gambling she could create a charity or memorial or scholarships or all of the above and more.
And then we will all know who is really the Scrooge.
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Unnecessarily Dramatic (maybe? Is it?) SM Update
Oh hi. I have no idea how to start this, lol.
So...it’s not exactly subtle that I’ve had a downturn in content and posts lately. And this was something that I was really debating whether to even explicitly talk about, because a lot of times posts or videos about dialing back from social media always feel very dramatic to me? Or self-serving in some way. Like, “Oh yes, I must be that important to necessitate this.”
But idk, the more I thought about it, I really really do appreciate anyone who’s read/commented on my writing, or followed me, or sent me thoughtful asks, and whatnot. I think it’s cool that we’ve been able to engage with each other over media, and that platform has allowed us to really delve into a ton of issues. Remember when I wrote a sourced series of essays on tropes in GoT Season 5 through the framework of ambivalent sexism just ‘cause?
And even though sometimes that engagement is me you know, being snotty to a rude anon, for the most part my writing analysis online, then fanfic, then podcasting, then building up a website and a community for thoughtful analysis, and even a youtube video here and there has been something really meaningful and rewarding to me. The fact that it’s maybe touched others? At least enough to the point where I’m getting anons saying, “hope you’re okay”? That’s very humbling.
So yeah, I do feel like I want to loop you in on what’s been going on, which I will do below the cut. (Apologies those on mobile.)
I’m starting to feel like a dishonest cars salesman here. “Oh yeah, I’ll totally write about that! I’m definitely going to have this piece then!” Even just the number of answered asks, most of which are incredibly good and insightful, you know, pains me that I can’t get to them. Hell, my drafts folder has about 40 partially answered asks. One is even about Sondheim! Why can’t I finish it??
Here’s the deal. For the past...6 months (maybe? A year?), I’ve kept saying, “when life calms down.” Or “Life has been a bear lately”...whatever that means. And I’m only now at a point where I’m realizing, my life isn’t going to calm down. In fact, my life—that being my primary career, my situation where I am, and my relationships to friends and family—sort of needs to be a priority for me.
Full confession: the reason I’ve been so prolific up until this point was due to the fact that my previous “day jobs” as I called them, while in line with what I studied and cared about, were something I could do in about 15 hours a week, if that. There was a finite amount of work, I was decent at it, and I really didn’t have an ambitious drive at these jobs because they really weren’t as focused or meaningful as I would have liked and the environments were not conducive to my personal professional growth.
So what did I do? I mailed it in. I found more personal fulfillment with what I was writing about online. It began with the Legend of Korra finale, which had excited me so much that I actually wrote my first rambling thoughts about it during work hours. At the time, it was on a Friday going into the “Christmas Break” where I’d be working from home, so it seemed okay to push work off. But I got a taste for that, got in a pattern of doing the bare minimum, and then focused my efforts on the stuff I actually wanted to be doing—chatting about media.
And part of that was also due to the fact that I was in a major social rut. I was pretty isolated since I tend to have a smaller group of close friends rather than a large bunch of friends, and our career paths just kind of scattered us. I’d maybe get together with people once a month? I also loathed the dating game. I was, for the most part, working at a small startup with two middle-aged ladies and no options there, which left me with tinder and cupid. I laugh because I’ve gotten asks like, “wow you must have been a busy bisexual bee.” Yeah...3 or 5 months would pass and I’d realize I hadn’t gotten laid, so I’d worry that was a sign I was depressed, and I’d go on some random cupid date to have tangible evidence that that wasn’t the case.
My point being, writing about media and engaging with tons of people online was really appealing, and became an outlet for me in a way I never could have anticipated.
But that entire situation changed. For one, I began dating my now-fiance (as much as I hate that word) over a year ago. It was long-distance, so not a huge change at first. Then my sister moved home and in with me last fall, and my family commitments dialed up (3 cats and a baby!). Which was fantastic, it really was. But I think you probably noticed I produced less and less as this went on.
And then, finally, I moved my ass halfway across the country because long-distance wasn’t making any sense anymore. I wasn’t willing to move without a job lined up, so job hunting began to focus me again on my professional career. While I love writing and analyzing, I’ve never seriously considered this as a career path for myself. Which is no knock on anyone who does—it’s just pursuing that life formally is not for me. I have an engineering degree and a Masters in environmental policy, and the latter is truly what I’ve always wanted as my focus. I was finally able to hone in on a job that made sense for me with my background, not just a job that was around when I needed one.
I found it, I moved mid-April, and I absolutely love what I’m doing. The job, the workplace, everything has so exceeded my expectations in every way, and for once I have like, career aspirations where I am. This doesn’t mean I’m any less passionate about analyzing media, but it does mean that professionally, I won’t mail it in anymore to make time for that. My job has to be my focus, and in fact I’m likely going to be working 50 hour weeks to do accomplish what I want here. And don’t worry—there’s amazing work from home policies and PTO, so it’s not a “work you to your grave” kind of deal. I legitimately want to be doing this, because I care about what I’m doing and feel like it matters.
What does that mean though? Well, it means I have to take a step back from the amount I’ve been doing. I can’t be copyediting every night for The Fandomentals, I can’t be writing a weekly piece, and the GoT rewatch, and two podcasts, and longer retrospectives, and other planned co-analysis, and fanfic, and answering all the asks I want to, and checking my site email to organize and manage our team of contributors. Certainly not if I want to sleep, work out, keep up with the news, be around family and friends, and have some semblance of downtime. That I was able to do all this stuff this long is actually probably not the best sign, you know?
So I’m trying to really focus my efforts. I plan to keep both podcasts going, because I really love doing that. The GoT rewatch is going to keep on keepin’ on as well, as planned. Julia and I will still finish out our retrospectives for S7, and I’ve even already rewatched the Dragonstone scenes. But my weekly pieces in addition to all this are going to stop, unless I’m super excited by something. I have no idea about my fanfic, to be honest, and I think that’s going to have to be a situational mood-based judgement call. With regards to the asks and social media interaction...I will do what I can, but as you’ve been seeing, it’s just not something I have a ton of time for. I haven’t even gotten back into my gifcapping funky flow!
For my LoK blog, god, I don’t even know how the definitive rankings are going to end up. I want to try, but really who knows. Because the other thing is that I come home from work and am actually like...intellectually tired. I need a break. I feel like such a boring drudge now, but it’s true. (Also BOTW is a great destresser.)
So yeah, there’s really no good way to end this. I’m just letting you know why I’m going to be sparse. But that also I’m doing well, so no worries there, and thank you so much for anyone who’s sent something caring about this.
And I’m still me, of course. If some GoT spoiler comes out or promo pictures or something, you can bet I’m going to be memeing like normal, and probably having stupid back-and-forths with some bellicose anon. If I feel like ranting about some movie or comic for 15 minutes in a video, I’ll likely do that. But I just can’t keep placing expectations on myself to do more next month, and it’s not fair to you to keep saying “when life calms down.” Life isn’t supposed to calm down. It’s not an inconvenience that gets in the way of me talking about my feelings on a piece of media. And moving forward, I’m going to do what I can to have a more balanced approach to all of that.
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hey do yall wanna hear an au idea i’ve had abt the seven birds as a superhero team? the plot is constantly changing, but here’s what i’ve got (warning it’s a lot and bullet points are used gratuitously):
an alien object falls to the earth, breaking apart as it falls. it scatters around a small city, and the pieces seem to hone in on the nearest living human once they near the ground.
(psst – this is the light of creation)
these seven (mostly) unrelated people slowly realize that they now have…unusual abilities
another alien entity follows, and its agents begin wreaking havoc around this city searching for the missing pieces of the light
(psst – this is the hunger)
individually, each person touched by the light ventures out to fight off these beings, especially since they themselves tend to be targeted.
these agents can get a vague sense of where the shards are, but not who exactly has them. thus, there is some degree of investigation done to find the individuals.
said agents can either be sentient or monster-like
the light-holders are all disguised as they fight – some for anonymity, some so that these agents have more trouble seeking them out, and some just because it seems like the right thing to do.
none of them knew each other before now, but they cross paths often enough that they realize they should probably group up.
most of them want to keep their identities secret, so they agree to do that while also making a few other decisions:
they should all have each others’ numbers. they won’t seek each other out, but it is important to keep in contact.
they should get better costumes (a plea from taako, who subsequently makes them)
they should have a theme
so they decide upon uniform colors and the title of “seven birds” because…idk, maybe they all like how poetic it sounds?
anyway, here’s a breakdown of each member:
magnus was struck by the light while sparring with carey behind their apartment complex. he was knocked over and carey kinda panicked?? but then he got up and said “did you do that?” and she responded “how would i hurl something at you from the sky, you’re fucking huge” and they moved past it
carey and magnus are roommates, so she’s the first one to notice when he starts accidentally breaking things and can knock her down more easily.
the weirdest part was when he was carving a little figurine and she jumped up behind him – to be fair, she thought he was drawing plans for something at the carpentry shop. they both saw the knife go directly towards his fingers and…bounce off. being magnus, he immediately tried to stab his hand and nothing happened. carey, being carey, poked the edge to see if it was dull and, ow, no, it wasn’t.
so, magnus has super strength and armor-like skin. a downside to this is that the changes weren’t entirely magic (think commitment), so he has to eat a lot more than usual and that’s. not insignificant.
the superhero name he chooses is eagle, which he called out immediately bc he wanted the best bird. his color theme is orange. his uniform doesn’t have sleeves, and it was a struggle for taako to even make him wear a shirt.
merle was hiking through the woods, and when he got hit he actually blacked out for a little bit. he woke up in a bed of flowers and, huh, that’s really convenient how it broke my fall
he works part time as an EMT and spends the rest working in a plant nursery. i. think you can guess how he notices what’s going on.
merle’s power is accelerating and manipulating organic growth, which means that he can both control plants and heal wounds. this does take a physical toll, as it is his energy being transferred. he also needs to eat a lot.
his superhero name is dove bc ~peace~ and stuff. his color theme is, naturally, green.
taako and lup were. uh. not getting in trouble. they were just having a misunderstanding. fortunately, said misunderstanding was not as fast as they were bc the misunderstanding was missing their shoes. they stumbled and fell as the light split at the last second and hit them both, but they quickly jumped back to their feet, turned a corner, and were home free.
both of them are studying masters level chemistry, so their discoveries are in public and require a bit of covering up. taako was trying to work out the chemical structure of a fairly simple crystal when it moved. he jumped, then tried it again, and found out that he could even separate out certain parts without needing a reactant.
lup gets bored waiting for a solution to boil and suddenly it explodes
taako’s power is manipulating chemical structures and lup’s is causing combustion or explosions. both require a knowledge of chemistry; taako has to understand the structure of what he’s moving or separating, and lup needs to know about boiling/ignition points and pressure changes etc. again; the energy comes from them. you get the point by now, i think.
taako is starling and purple, and lup is phoenix and red.
they both have pockets containing little beads of easy-to-change materials if they can’t find anything else to use
barry is a phd student, and was in the basement bio lab of the local university when the light phased through the ceiling and hit him. he stumbled backwards and fortunately didn’t hurt himself, bc he basically lives in there and no one would check on him for a while.
the next time he’s forced into a university function, he’s shrinking against a wall wishing he wasn’t there, and then he…isn’t. he falls over into the next room bc he just went through the wall.
i’ll be honest – barry basically has danny phantom powers. the tricky bit is that if he’s exhausted, instead of losing his powers, he can’t keep a physical form very well. finally, a reason for this man to get some sleep already.
his codename is nightingale and his color is blue. thank goodness he can make his clothes and glasses ghost with him, or else he’d be recognizable and useless.
davenport was relaxing with a short flight just outside of town. he notices some strange lights, then realizes one is coming towards him, then barely manages to keep the plane from crashing when it hits him in the head. he quickly lands and checks the plane for damage, but there’s no trace of it.
his mind is wandering during a pretty boring meeting one day when everyone suddenly stops. davenport tunes in and notices that, um, there’s a small boat appearing to float across the table. this completely snaps him out of his thoughts, and it disappears. it’s a good thing the old people on the board like to brush over unexplainable things, bc after a few moments, the meeting picks back up.
he works at a nerd museum. he mostly enjoys it, but also wants to save up enough to move to the coast.
his power is creating illusions and, depending on his energy, materializing them. the illusions barely cost anything, but the materialization is really draining.
his hero name is canary and his color theme is gold.
i wanted it to be albatross at first, but that sounded a little…eh? i liked canary better, esp since it’s yellow
+ instead of having half the symbolism of a curse, it symbolizes freedom!! i think that’s an important dav trait.
finally, lucretia was riding home on her bike and, unlike dav, did crash. strangely, she and her bike were totally unharmed.
lucretia works part-time as a secretary to save up for college, while also working at a bookstore bc she is a Nerd. she got lost in the Deep Shelves and, when a pile of books fell and set off a domino effect, she stretched out her hands to stop them – and they actually did stop.
lucretia can create force fields of any shape, and move them around. that may seem simple, but she can ride them like a hover board, trap people, and, if she’s strong enough, slice things.
her superhero name is bluejay and her color is teal.
other characters include:
julia, magnus’s coworker/boss’s daughter, and they’ve been in love since forever. when the light stuff started though, magnus figured he should slow down.
…yeah, she figures it out pretty soon. magnus is bad at keeping secrets.
carey, magnus’s roommate and constant alibi/excuse-maker/back-up
killian, who works security at the business lucretia secretaries at, and keeps bringing her out to social stuff bc the girl needs it. they also talk abt girls a lot bc they’re both Gay™ – lucretia especially enjoys teasing killian about carey with the “really great calves” from the gym.
killian accidentally said weird shit when first gushing about her and, of course, lucretia will never forget it
noelle was saved by the team from whatever the hell lucas ends up doing in this au. carey offers to share her room, esp since magnus is uh. working a little more irregularly these days and they could use the split rent.
noelle and carey also talk about girls, including killian who could “probably throw me across a room” from the gym.
angus was looking into all this nonsense and figured it was easiest to track down twins who seem to know a lot about chemistry. it wasn’t too hard. taako and lup were appalled that his parents Just Let Him Do That and so there’s a 50/50 chance that angus is in their spare room at any given time.
listen they got a two-bedroom apartment, but apparently they’re still too clingy to sleep alone. nerds.
ren is taako’s coworker and best friend. she knows Something is up, but isn’t entirely sure What. she also knows better than to try and find out. taako will tell her when he tells her.
honestly i low low lowkey dig the idea of noelle/ren but you didn’t hear that from me. if it happens to show up though. oh well.
avi makes frequent deliveries for the hammer and tongs, and is pretty tight with magnus. he’s even tighter with magnus’s dogs, which stay at the h&t bc his apartment is run by ruthless monsters.
johann is the town’s dramatic and overtalented musician, who is almost always in the background. i’m not sure what his deal is, but he sure is good at music.
hurley is a cop who keeps trying to figure out what is going on, but isn’t having much luck
artemis sterling is the very frustrated mayor
certain people are given powers by the hunger, a la hawk moth. these include gundren, magic brian, jenkins, sloane, the hammerheads, cpt cpt bane, lucas, etc.
the major manifestation of the hunger is john, but only merle manages to see him.
unlike miraculous, the hunger is dangerous to its hosts if they become disagreeable. the birds can save the people possessed, but it’s not easy.
there are Mysterious Third Parties that can grant additional powers
one is known as the raven queen. she grants kravitz the power to possess non-organic materials, as well as a scythe that can temporarily dislocate souls and do mild portal shit.
kravitz was a coroner trying to get a gig in the orchestra, but then he almost died and the raven queen resurrected him and he’s got a really strong sense of duty so he’s doing this now, he guesses. at least he still gets to have a normal life when he isn’t busy.
i like to think that after sloane rejects the hunger, the raven queen scoops her up and also grants the ability to possess non-organic objects. she was a good mechanic before, and is super good now. she gets hurley to give up on the whole investigation thing and join her and they live happily ever after, and also kick the occasional ass.
at first, RQ’s orders are to retrieve the light so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, but taako persuades kravitz that the birds are able to use it to defeat the hunger once and for all.
after that, the mission is just to keep as many people out of danger as possible.
istus and pan can also grant powers, but i’m not sure how they’d fit in yet
more random facts:
taako, lup, and barry are actually at the same university even though they never see each other. the mascot is a mongoose.
at some point the bio and chem departments are doing a joint conference thing. taako and lup are wandering around while spamming the birds’ group chat with really awful memes with magnus. meanwhile, barry is trying his best to ignore his constantly-vibrating phone as he talks to a professor about something actually important.
do they find each other in this truly ridiculous way? You Decide.
lucas is in the same department as barry, and even though he’s kind of a genius, he is also. how you say. a dick.
ren and taako work as chefs at the davy lamp. ren is almost definitely going to own it one day, and taako is proud of her.
lucretia and magnus meet via carey and killian, and quickly become close friends. because magnus is incapable of keeping a secret from anyone he knows, she finds out that he’s eagle and so they now know each other’s secret identities.
anyway that’s all i’ve got for now, thanks for coming to my ted talk
#ok i'm going to sleep#this is mostly for my own rference#not that i'd ever write this but it's nice to think abt#text#ipre#idk how ekse to tag uh#bye#fixed the tenses! and added stuff!#superhero au
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ok just struggling with this afta characterisation while on my study break
She would never be a politician, of that he was confident. She masked her emotions well, and had a canny sense of self-awareness, but she was in the habit of being a bit too honest. It was probably to her credit that she struggled so obviously with dishonesty, but in the world she now inhabited, it could be a dangerous liability. His father also never lied, though he had a remarkable talent for telling only as much of the truth as was convenient to him, and then simply not divulging any further information. Éowyn, by stark contrast, told so much of the truth that she often expressed her opinions on events without fully intending to.
Each time she admitted a little too much, his father looked at her with an expression of grim amusement. Boromir had none of his father or brother’s clear sight, but he had been his father’s closest companion for almost thirty years and knew well how to read him. He had that look upon his face that indicated he saw potential in her, and maybe even held her in some esteem already, in the way that one might look at a particularly precocious child and see a bright future. There were obvious reasons for that, in most ways, Éowyn was exactly the sort of person his father looked for in an ally: singularly dedicated to her duty, unruffled by snobbery, and eminently pragmatic. Her greatest personal fault, if it could even be said to be that, was that she was of Rohan, not Gondor, a nigh-on unforgivable sin in his father’s book.
Even so, sending a young woman as Rohan’s ambassador had been an accidental stroke of genius — not, as Éowyn thought, because the fact of her womanhood made men more liable to speak openly with her, but because her womanhood had seen a level of deference stamped into her. Had Théodred Prince or her elder brother, Lord Éomer, been sent, they might have been every bit as practical and dutiful as she, but their warrior’s pride would have been a formidable obstacle to their success here.
Éowyn, though she obviously struggled against it, had clearly been told enough times that quiet obedience was an important quality to hone in herself. Unlike military men, whose obedience came uncritically, it was abundantly clear that she carefully considered every command put to her. For that level of contemplation, to win her figurative genuflection was a more valuable thing. That mastery over her impulses endeared her (however marginally) to his father. And, certainly, when she was set in comparison to his brother — who also scrutinised every order he was given, but who always managed to find the most frustratingly unconventional way of executing them —, she seemed a fascinating thought exercise in what could have been.
I wanted to get Boromir, Denethor, and Éowyn in a room together, from Boromir’s POV, to try and have a more ‘objective’ take on what the relationship between Denethor and Éowyn would have been. And I’m absolutely adamant that they would have had an icy, maybe even begrudging, respect for one another, but... idk. I’m just really struggling to get it right without it being too unfaithful to the characters. Though I will say that we really only see Denethor at the peak of his misery, so I think a super close reading is necessary to get him Right. idk. anyways.
also i feel like:
not, as Éowyn thought, because the fact of her womanhood made men more liable to speak openly with her, but because her womanhood had seen a level of deference stamped into her. Had Théodred Prince or her elder brother, Lord Éomer, been sent, they might have been every bit as practical and dutiful as she, but their warrior’s pride would have been a formidable obstacle to their success here.
comes off as radfem-y, which is not what i’m intending, but i do basically think it’s true. like, i don’t think it’s true of All Women that they’re socialised into deference against their better natures or whatever, but i think éowyn definitely was. also i don’t know if anyone else is going to pick up on that being radfem-y but me. is this just because my brain is poisoned by having to study these fuckers?? maybe!!
#e writes#struggles to write#really just needs a valium and an all expenses paid vacation#and probably a beta reader tbh so i can stop spamming this shit constantly asdfghj
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