#idk i don't know how to express it clearly but it had just gotten very tired for me tbh

[thewritingpossum]

Hold on, Kathr*n Warn*r recently published a book exclusively about Edward II's sexuality and relationships?

[flw3rrr]

Thank you for responding! And honestly, creative freedom! An idea could be y/n (or however you wanna write it) is new to the team and is a little too eager and Tyler has to be that 'in charge' 'voice of reason' when she wants to take too risky of chances(like maybe they're chasing a Tornado and she decided to jump out of the truck way too close, idk) .. But if that doesn't vibe with you, that's totally ok! My fav is when he ends up manhandling y/n or the reader😅

No sense of safety

Tyler owens x gn!reader

Warnings: Reader has no sense of safety keeping tyler on his toes, no description of reader, no mentions of y/n. reader is a little clumsy (mention only) But also saves a cat so it's worth it

A/n: Tysm for this request anon, and thanks for the creative freedom. i based it off the details you gave along with a bit of ideas from me. I really hope you enjoy it and feel free to request more!💖

word count: 2k

Not really proofread but a little is i like wrote this at 1am. sorry for any typos

Have a request? Feel free to send me it in my inbox!

The little diner that basically was in the middle of nowhere almost sounded silent, with the only things heard being the clinging off class plates or mugs. seniors mostly seen, and then in the corner the tornado wranglers sat. It was the happiest day for you today because you were new to the team, and excitement was built up deep within you.

You've known Tyler for some time and gotten close to him; he was the one who brought you to the world of tornado chasing, and you were glad he did. You enjoyed the science behind it and how many different ways someone could tell a tornado was forming, the speed of wind, and a ton more.

But when you become excited for something, you tend to lose all knowledge of safety. getting too eager to start the job and have fun, but of course Tyler knew you and how you got so the night before today he sat you down and told you the rules and not to forget any of them. which you replied to him you wouldn't.

Soon a hand landed on your shoulder, looking up; it was Tyler standing up and looking at everybody. "Alright folks, today's the day we get some tornados!" The table cheered quietly in knowledge of others in the little diner trying to enjoy a meal. "And don't forget our safety rules." Tyler mentioned your name at the end, making sure it kept snug in your memory forever.

You just gave Tyler a nod in return, a little embarrassed since Tyler had obviously told the crew on how you got when too in the moment and excited. Taking one last sip of your water before heading out to the truck and the rest of the vehicles. Taking one of the monitors, you began to calibrate and made sure it was ready for whatever was ahead for today. 

"So you ready to join in the fun and chaos?" Looking over to see Boone approaching with the camera in hand. You'd always liked Boone; his humor was quite enjoyable, and he always made sure to capture the good moments for the viewers to see, but then he also knew what not to show. "Yeah, I am really pumped and ready." Not really having enough words to express, you just kept your response short. 

"It'll be fun, I promise, and the viewers always love new people who join. Perhaps you'll be the new star." He lets out a chuckle from his comment. Within seconds, Tyler appears, "New star? already plannin' for their future boone?" Placing his hands on his hips, his arm muscles clearly showing through the sleeves of his shirt. You'd admit to yourself only that he definitely was good-looking. "Yep, you know me gotta’ plan for everything. I know a star when I see one."

You felt very welcome by everybody and already felt like a star. Perhaps they were just boosting your confidence, but you enjoyed every part. recalling how you told your parents you joined the tornado wranglers with a big smile across your face and your parents held concerned looks. 

"No need to boost me that high, Boone; nobody really knows me, and they'll have to get to know me first before they decide if they even like me." Your parents always taught you growing up that it takes a while for people to get used to someone new, especially if it's something big.

Tyler let out a huff with a smile before turning his head toward you. "Nah, if I like you and the rest does, then they'll like you back. Don't doubt anything." You let out a laugh before speaking up. "Unless they see me do something stupid." Having moments in the past where you almost set off the fireworks in his truck when he showed you them for the first time or accidently set up the monitor the wrong way, causing it to freeze for a whole hour.

"We all do stupid stuff on streams, like one time i-" Boone began to speak once before Tyler cut him off. "Yeah, don't even continue on that." shrugging it off before nodding, you walked away to get more things needed for this chase. Carefully packing it up in the van and truck, making sure each is tucked away safe and not able to fling around from harsh turns that will come up sooner than later.

It was finally time to get out and start driving. Sitting in the back of the truck with all the equipment that you use to track the weather and tornado levels. "Hey, can you hand me the light for the camera back there? I forgot to replace this one," Boone asked. You just gave a smile in return before your arm moved in front of you, handing him the light, just before you could move. Tyler's hand landed on your wrist tightly, startling you in the process.  

Eyes slowly looking down to see why you realized your hand was close to setting off the fireworks almost once again. Quickly handing the light and bringing your arm back to you, "Sorry, I didn't realize." A wave of embarrassment rushes to you, wanting to sink into the seat and disappear. "It's fine. Just be careful this time. Okay,  we don't have a lot of fireworks on hand this time." He began to drive, his face stern before going to excitement for the camera.

His reaction scared you, thinking quickly that he was upset at you and annoyed. But he wasn't; he was just nervous having you on this chase, knowing how you get, and afraid of you doing anything stupid you'd regret. Slowly looking back at the monitor to show the camera and explaining who you were as well as what's on the screen.

Within minutes, there were so far three tornadoes; they were tiny and didn't really do damage, but I made sure to document them for future reference and further study. "So far, guys, we are getting good results, and you are all seeing this live!" Tyler yelled out loud to boost the viewers and likes. As you wrote down more, trying to make the handwriting more clear than messy, when in a moving car you take notice, Boone asked you a question.

"So why don't you tell them what you're doing as we drive down a boring road?" pointing the camera back at you once more. Blushing a little knowing millions were watching live at this very moment made you hesitate before speaking up. "Well, I work for a weather company, not a big one, but I'm getting every bit of data and tracking info I can get on each tornado that forms or tries to form basically so we can use it whenever something like this happens again, which it will." 

"See guys, they are also smart, so Tyler did good letting them join." Slowly turning the camera back to Tyler and letting you do whatever you needed to do. Enjoying the moment and everything, but your eyes missed the monitor at the moment you were writing. Showing high data of something big and dangerous, then it turned off with no signal shown on the screen.

"That's weird." You picked up the monitor to fix it, but nothing would work. The only thing it would do was turn off, and on displaying the "no signal," it was odd for you at least. "What's the matter?" Tyler spoke, taking a quick glance back to look at you. Glancing up at him before shaking the monitor, "It's not working anymore; it says the signal is lost. I can't see anything at all." 

Just as you tried shaking it, trying anything possible to work, the sky got darker, almost as if it were night. "Are you seeing this or?" Boone spoke up, breaking the silence in the truck, his hands holding the camera tightly. A crackle sound came from the radio that sat on the dashboard. Dani spoke up. "Guys, im saying this now we have to get to safety, um, it appears its going to be a big one."

Suddenly, Tyler hits the gas hard, sending you to fly back into the seat with a huff, the air pushing out harshly. Boone just cheers at the fast driving, while you were silently begging in your head for it to quickly come to an end. 

A small town in the distance appears almost quickly as Tyler continues to speed, the rest of the crew following behind. As Tyler slams on the breaks once again, you fly forward, but the thanks of seatbelts, it was cut. basically choking you, and the only time you were glad about choking.

Just as everyone got out, the wind speeds picked up quickly, chairs blowing away, leafs flying everywhere, and people running to safety. Just as you and the rest began to run to the basement of a store, your eye caught a glimpse of a tiny cat. 

Standing still and looking to the basement entrance and back to the cat, you take a step before a strong hand grips onto you. Looking back to be met with Tyler, "What on earth are you doing?! Do you realize you need to get to safety right now? Even I know that better than half of these people who are just running around!" His face looked harsh and desperate.

"I have too. There's a cat, and I'm not letting it fly up in the air, and if I let that happen, I'd cry forever." Losing your grip, you ran to the cat that stood still in fear; its tail stood straight. Tyler watched you as every second passed, a little annoyed, but he never took his eye off you. Within seconds, the wind picked up, and with the cat in your arms, you struggled to walk. Taking action, Tyler ran to you, and before you could speak, he picked you up tightly and back to the basement of the store.

Tyler put you down carefully and looked at you strongly. "That was a dumb move, and never do that unless you say something before. You can't die on your first day; I won't allow that." A breath of relief left him as he glimpsed down at the poor cat that still shook in fear.

"How about in three days then?" You asked with a smile, your hand slowly petting the cat to comfort it to the best of your ability. "I'll have to see." Just then the power went out, harsh winds

were heard loudly, and the cries of children filled the room, but Barely heard. Out of instinct, Tyler takes you into his grasp, holding you close to him. perhaps to comfort you or himself?

Just as your head turned to meet his, barely making it out with only a tiny emergency light lit the room. It felt as if the wind stopped and nobody was there but the both of you. Tyler leaned in first before his lips met yours in a heated kiss. It only lasted a second before the cat shook more as the emergency light began to flicker.

The tornado and storm lasted two hours before it was alright to get out. Trees everywhere, some stores destroyed, and cars, including Toyota's trusted truck. It was sad to look around as police and paramedics showed up to check up on everyone. You gave the cat to one of them to fully check on the cat."I wanted to apologize for acting harsh at the start of today and a few hours ago." 

"It's alright, Tyler; you just were used to everyone knowing how to do things normally and knowing to get to safety quickly." Stepping closer to him with a soft smile. "You didn't realize is my guess?" he suddenly spoke, which confused you. "realize what?" shaking his head with a sigh, he spoke again. "The tornado was like right there when you ran out to get the cat. That's why I was basically screaming at you."

“Oh.”

[its-short-for-jackalope]

THE SEARCHER IN THE SHADOWS

☆ Thoughts On Part 2 ☆

Time for the unhinged companion to my part 1 post, lol. I love how much these musicals surprise me, I always have such a fun time and oh boy do I have thoughts and feelings about part 2.

Once again I am not going to be able to capture every thought I have about everything because there is... so much. But I can try to express a portion of it, so on with the rambling!

Meanwhile / Sia's Vision

I love part 1 & the new characters we met, but I was definitely missing the rest of the quartet so I was so excited to get to hear them again today. That being said, I was totally unprepared for how I would react to their arrival (heh). I was damn near kicking my feet and I was close to either giggling or crying basically the entire time, but I guess they balanced each other out so I basically just vibrated in my chair instead, lmao.

I'm so happy that Margaret has been to Lincoln Island before? I was a little worried that she didn't even have a chance to see that any of her people had survived before she was sent away and she lost her memories. (However the hell that happened.)

I love how John and Samuel are both like "I can accept this mysterious magical woman saving our lives once, but TWICE? That is a little suspicious. 🤨😑"

SIA'S VISION. It happened years ago, and now we know we're not alone that Sia went straight from 1835 to 1874 just like the quartet, so she must have gotten the vision sometime between 1829 and 1835, proooobably a lot closer to 1829, since she said 'years.' She sees the Antikythera being claimed by the Ellen Austin, and evidence of Margaret's transformation magic as well as her radiance. She also saw John (the scientist) screaming for Rose as she drowns while the Antikythera takes on water, perhaps sinking entirely.

SIA'S PLAN. (MAYBE.) Okay so I very well could be wrong, lol, I'll get that out of the way right now, but I think Margaret had already been sent away when Sia had her vision. Part of this reasoning is simply because it would feel more satisfying to me if the quartet didn't come together entirely because it was forseen, and also because Sia says 'our Margaret returned.' Idk, just the delivery of that makes me feel like she must already be gone at that point. Sia wouldn't have left Margaret somewhere unsafe, so she probably looked around New York to scout it out, and/or maybe she was watching from time to time, to make sure she was okay. So maybe she saw the Stratfords at some point—Samuel says he read about Margaret in The Sun, so maybe she was interviewed in the building and they occupied the same corner of the city at just the right time for Margaret's guardian traveler to see the twins?—and then when Sia has that vision, she recognizes them and that's when she knows they have to keep these people safe. (And maybe she uses a bit of magic to send a certain scientist a certain paper about certain discoveries to ensure he joins the party...?) So in the years before the quartet gathers together, Sia makes plans with her friends. I don't know exactly what these plans are and won't really try to guess, but clearly part of it involved scheming with Addison to make me SO WORRIED about her and the crew leave her ship (and an orrery for Rose) drifting on the Sargasso at the right time and place, AND they must have had enough foresight to be prepared for Sia's 39 years away; we didn't hear her poof back to let her friends know when she was going, and they knew when to expect her return, so it must have been pre-arranged to some extent. So Sia skips ahead, dropping off the quartet in 1874 and returning to Lincoln Island where Rose has already been learning and testing for 9 days, until it's time to meet Margaret again on the Antikythera. And now we're caught up. (Was this whole ramble necessary? Eh, maybe not, but I needed to think about it and it took long enough to type that I'm not deleting all that, are you kidding?)

Arrival, part 2

aw, yay! I'm glad Margaret and the boys all got a similar welcome to Rose! I wasn't sure if there would be any fanfare for Samuel and John, lol.

The twins are reunited! 😭❤ (And Margaret and John get to say hi to Rose too, yes, yes, I was very happy, but this isn't about them right now. TWINS.)

Dakkar and his scanner, lmao. (Going to try and fail to not think about him taking out his trusty tech as a distraction when he witnesses the siblings' reunion. I'm totally fine and normal about this, guys. Trust me.)

Yes, filling everybody in about Kal! I suppose he was the specific threat they were worried about when they were trying to verify Rose's identity in part 1, which would probably make sense if he's Itzal's attack virologist or something. But I have concerns about how the scan went. Addison tells us Kal has a way of tracking people he encounters and the scanner they use to check has a database that doesn't recognize anything on Samuel and the others, but, uh. AFAIK that scanner has been here on Lincoln Island for 45 years, nice and protected. How many updates have they gotten? And what was that Kal said back in TGOA? "Non-lethal fog, my latest brew." ...YEAH. I HAVE CONCERNS.

Not Rose's somber "We must keep looking for the key" after the chorus 😭😭😭 We know Sia's been reassuring her and Ahlaam has been insistent that there's no pressure on her, but uh. There is pressure. And Rose probably feels some degree of guilt for not accomplishing everything these literally magical people hoped she would after they saved her life.

Margaret almost recognizing the people around her, Dakkar echoing/answering the calls we've heard from Margaret since the beginning of the story..... AUGHHHHH 😭

I am very interested in Samuel and Addison's dynamic (to put it lightly) and I want to know what the captain is so curious about bears for.

Magic Ways

I love this song so much. We get to receive lore in an easily digestible way AND the music is amazing???? Move over, Schoolhouse Rock, I only want to learn things from the Travelers and Searchers from now on. (This joke isn't even good but I've wanted to make one about Schoolhouse Rock since the premiere so this is what we get. sorry, lmao.)

SEVEN, SEVEN MAGIC WAYS! Radiance, Perception, Protection, Illusion, Healing, Movement, and Transformation. If I'm understanding correctly, everyone from the Blazing World has the Radiance. (And I assume every descendant born on Lincoln Island does, too? although if they didn't have any magic because they lost their connection to their world that could be interesting... 👀) It seems to be the root/core of it all, if it's the one everyone shares. All the magic connects them, but I think the Radiance is the deepest and strongest connection. I am not going to rattle off about all of the magic ways here because, well, reading my ramblings (delightful as they are) doesn't hold a candle to listening to the actual song, lmao, but I am going to share my ideas for what kinds of magic the different BW characters might have.

SIA — radiance, movement, perception, transformation, possibly more; if she was helping Margaret train her protection magic, then I think it could be reasonable to suspect Sia may also possess it? But that's a maybe for now—Sia could simply know both Margaret & how protection magic functions well enough to be able to coach her.

AHLAAM — radiance, movement, illusion (I believe she was going to cast an illusion spell on Rose during Two Weeks as one of the tests, and she also tells us about illusion magic in the song), possibly more; Ahlaam doesn't specifically say that she only had three magic ways, unlike...

DAKKAR — radiance, healing, protection. He says that "three is more than enough for me" so I think we can safely assume that's it for him, unless he has more magic that he just doesn't use for whatever reason, which could be an interesting idea. No evidence for it tho, I'm just saying words. <3

ADDISON — from what we know so far, she might have only one magic way, the radiance, but I keep thinking about her journal. Margaret had to use transformation magic on it to be able to read it, so does that mean Addison also has that power, or did somebody else (Sia?) transform the journal specifically so Margaret would have to transform it back and use her magic? Or, as some friends have joked, is Addison nerdy enough that she just writes in invisible ink?

MARGARET — in TGMH, we saw her use the radiance for the first time. in TBS, movement. TGOA, transformation. in this episode, she has started using protection magic. Matt has told us that there will be 7 pulps and there are 7 magic ways, so I'm wondering if we'll see her unlock or regain all the magic ways, with one new power returning in each episode. We still have one more part to go for this episode, so we'll see if this theory is disproven real quick or not, lol.

Thank Gravity

hi, what if I exploded?

the only m/f pairings I care about are written by Matt Dahan and this is only a slight exaggeration

JOHN WANTED TO TALK!! HE'S THE ONE WHO INITIATED A FEELINGS CONVERSATION!!! HE FINALLY GOT SOME SENSE!!! I'M SO FUCKIN PROUD???? 🎉

THEY! KISSED!

what if I just, like, perished. would y'all be cool with that.

I am so not normal about how we've gone from them both yearning for 'a place with no laws of gravity' to them both thanking gravity—

have we considered the option of me just walking into the ocean? I think that might be the best course of action here.

oh my god. I love them.

Masterpiece Containing Masterpieces

Jackie's absolutely gorgeous art shows a bit of bright blue sky visible from the bridge of the Nautilus, so I'm guessing everyone got some much needed rest and continued the tours the next day, lol.

godddddd the callback to Margaret's Apartment. Maps of the Earth and sky lavishly hanging from golden frames—I need to bite something. (/pos)

John, if you're asking questions you should at least give people time to finish answering them, lmao

Someone is going to push one of those damn purple buttons and everyone is going to have a bad day, calling it now. If it doesn't happen this episode, it will happen in one of the later ones. And I am going to be glaring at them all mistrustfully until it finally happens. 😑👉🚫🟣‼️

Samuel and his imagination going crazy over the orrery's potential... and the way Addison talked about the Firestone getting burnt out, I wonder if that means it isn't repairable. Maybe Firestones are extremely rare, idk. curious how this orrery is still able to help them with the Gate somehow. WOULD LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THESE GATES, BY THE WAY. JUST SAYING. /lh

EDIT: oops, the orrery on the Nautilus is not the same as the Antiythera's, I don't think. but it still seems like this one can't go back in time, going by the conversation!

Before the Island

yessssssss new solo John song for me to lose my mind about. also a casual reminder that Curt Mega is so gender it's unfair. <3

John, I love this for you. so much. go crazy, run wild, be silly and push buttons—NOT THE PURPLE ONES, FFS 🙏—and be happy with Rose.

John thinking his dad would understand what he's feeling instead of feeling smothered by his father's legacy and afraid of disappointing him......... 🥺😭❤

Ipomoea, part 1

the cover art!!!!!

This song is so goddamn pretty. Natalie and Kim's voices are heavenly together.

the imagery Margaret describes is so gorgeous, I want to draw it.

Margaret is closer than she's ever been to getting her answers!!!

JUST LIKE HOME 😭😭😭😭😭😭

and here we learn another time travel rule, which simultaneously makes me go "oh cool, that will probably make the timeline a little less messy" and "oh poor Sia, you lost 39 years with your besties" and "HEY SIA SO YOU BASICALLY LIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO HELP ANNA GET OFF THE SATELLITE, HUH? CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF??" (This isn't really even about Travelovers, this is about Anna being LEFT UP THERE and someone needs to give Sia a talking to for this, on mine and Anna's behalf. 😭 John, you've smooched your girl, now go be mad for your bestie, plz.)

hi Dakkar, ilu, please never die

Ipomoea, part 2

JESSE BHAMRAH I ADORE YOUR VOICE

I was a tiny bit worried about where this was going. I expected him to start using magic against Margaret to force her to defend herself, so the way he's like 'yo we should totally have Sia try to attack/kill us both' instead so they could combine their protection power was a really cool and delightful twist

I also love how Sia absolutely knows where this is going

IPOMOEA, SHOW ME YOUR WORTH! STAND WITH ME NOW, OR GET PLUCKED FROM THE EARTH!!!!!!!

Dakkar and Margaret are both so committed to this, & the way they sing together!!!!!!!

THIS SONG, YOU GUYS, I CAN'T. 😭❤

THEY'RE SIBLINGS! I don't currently have the brainpower (or time, tbh) to truly & accurately express how I feel about the reveal. Feel free to read my very smart friend's cool post about Dakkar and Margaret instead, it's very good.

I know I had a little "et cetera" sort of section at the end of my last post with some other thoughts, but honestly I am tapped right now, lol. Matt Dahan packs so much cool stuff in these episodes that there is undoubtedly a bunch of really cool theories and connections I haven't even touched upon in this post, but that's okay, it's long enough as it is. 😂

basically,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love pulp so much and I am VERY AFRAID and VERY EXCITED for part 3.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to rewatch part 2 until Mr. Dahan himself pries the video out of my greedy little hands.

[ednito]

Oh shit wait who is your ex?

Uhhh idk if I feel comfortable putting their @ out but they're a hollow knight and deltarune artist (they also draw other shit but the only one I remember was dragons) but you can dm me and I'll tell you.

Idk it's been a while since we broke up, they were just...I don't even know how to describe them. It makes me sick trying to remember, I'd prefer to not.

I don't mean to trauma dump or do a "call out" or whatever but I'd like to speak on something- the one thing that I remember so clearly if that's ok. I know I'm not obligated to post this or anything but I just feel the need to talk about it ya know?

Obviously because of the topic trigger warning for mentions of SA

Now it was technically before we started dated but it was something that's always been in the back of my mind while dating and even now occasionally.

Much before meeting them I was sexually assaulted when I was younger, and at the time I never really knew how to handle that trauma- especially when I was first on the internet as that also led to more trauma. At the time of being friends I was horrifically bullied online and was really going through emotional anguish and they were the only person I really felt comfortable and I practically worshiped them. They were a favorite person i guess? I apologize if I'm using the term wrong but I was very unhealthy about my feelings at the time and I do definitely acknowledge how horrible I was bad I was being at the time. I don't exactly wanna go into how bad it was as it still is a sore spot but please trust me when I say it was bad.

It was around a specific date that I was really going through it, a mixture of peoples (mainly pertaining my SA) really took a toll on me and out of distress I cam to them for comfort, I felt safe around them and just dumped it all on them, I don't exactly know what it's called or of it even has a name but I remember at the time it felt like it was happening all over again and I just didn't know what to do.

I don't blame them for doing it but because they didn't know what to do they brought someone else into the situation, their own friend who I never really talked to and I can't even express how much more distress I was put into. I understand not knowing what to do, and I understand why they would bring someone else to help but it didn't help, especially when the person who did sa'd me was someone older. I ended up just passing out because of the stress.

Eventually after waking up and realizing how bad I was behaving I went to apologize, at the same time I decided to go into the public server we were both in and vent in that channel (not about the night before but just how I felt like a bad friend) and while I'm in there I see a long post they made talking about the whole situation, airing out trauma to people in the server (had around 2 hundred or somembers if I'm remembering right- which of course wasn't a lot but definitely felt a lot). They also talked about how I was a horrible person and that the didn't want to be friends and (if I'm remembering right) didn't care about my sa and very openly say they didn't like me. And I felt absolutely betrayed, they were the very first person I ever told about my sa, and they were the only person I felt safest. And while i definitely acknowledge I wasn't a good person you just, idk you just don't do that. And what hurts is that he later circled around and wanted to date me (ill be honest I don't exactly know why I agreed to it.) And idk. It just hurt because previously I had also confessed to him but he wasn't interested then but now only a month or 2 later now he is?? The whole incident really destroyed my world, I guess it was the thing that woke me up because I realized how awful I was being and started being better.

It doesn't help that by the end of the relationship (I had gotten somewhat better mentally) I see make a post (on his semi public account) subtly complaining about his friends and me and others and I remember him making a post talking about how he wanted me (or our other partner at the time) to be obsessed with him, to be jealous that he had friends, to spend days and nights thinking about him, to practically worship him and I was so upset I vomited. Because that's what I was originally, that were the same exact things I'd do in the very beginning, but he didn't like me then. That's when I had to break it off. I just immediately told him I didn't wanna date anymore.

Yeah thats kinda the story, i left it vague because really it still spikes up some bad taste in my mouth but it's always been something that's hurt me and has actively contributed to my paranoia and other illnesses. Theres more that happened since that particular incident but it's more pertaining my bestie then anything and I just don't feel it appropriate to talk about it without asking him.

I don't want to excuse my behavior, I very much acknowledge I was not being a good friend but I also can't not acknowledge that I was extremely vulnerable at the time and I just wanted someone who I could just trust for once you know? I'm much better from before but I still suffer and I'm trying to be better especially without any help mentally or anything. I've been on my own from the very beginning and I'm sure I'll be alone when I die.

Again I apologize for posting that if it was unnecessary, I've just never talked about it outside of my friend and my other ex at the time.

[bookwyrminspiration]

earlier I was thinking about how we both use it/its and are autistic. and how you don’t consider yourself human, and it/its expresses that for you. and I always feel like I’m doing this whole person thing wrong, so I have to remind myself that there’s no wrong way to be human, and it/its pronouns are a big part of that for me.

like!! same pronouns same complicated relationship with being a person with the same root cause but very different feelings and experiences. idk about you but I think it’s cool as hell.

I clearly gotta work on embracing my oddities and not caring what other people think because my first instinct reading this was to further explain and justify myself because I know it's strange.

But like! Yeah! You're right! My pronouns and autism go hand in hand, we both have complicated relationships with the two and how they interact to make us. And how we consider ourselves. And they're not quite the same but they're the same enough we can recognize it in each other and bond over it and go hey! you're like me!

I'm low support needs but that doesn't mean I grew up feeling normal. And the way I processed that without another explanation was that everyone else had something that I was missing, something that made them more human than me. Ergo, I wasn't entirely human. And like. I know logically that I am, and that there's no right way to be human--and I have gotten more comfortable with it--but I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear myself referred to as human without going "wait, not quite." I don't have something I think I am, I just have trouble conceptualizing myself as completely human. And it/its are something that can be anything! They're so loose and vague and free; they don't tie me to anything. They let me be that complicated vaguely human but just not quite thing :)

It's such a weird thing but it's part of how I interact with and understand the world. And I love it! And that's not your same experience, but we both have a way of interacting with our humanity alongside our autism through our pronouns and that's! So so cool!

I just! Am also now thinking about it, and don't have the opportunity to talk about this part of my self conception with someone else on the same wavelength very often so! insert stimming right here because i'm doing that irl at the moment!!

[llycaons]

ep36 (1/2): we are so fucking back, baby

thank god this episode was really good. sweet and cute in part 1 and then really funny + spooky later on

I do find it really funny that wwx arranged lwj's arms like he's in a coffin. man, but his sleeping pose is so strange

I wonder if there's something to be said that lwj looks like he's always in mourning and sleeps like he's dead but he's actually the force of life and light in the life of wwx. and wwx is even more strongly associated with death through his cultivation path and his own death, but he's got so much energy and life in him (when he's not like, super depressed or traumatized that is). the balance is neat

yeah this is cute. lwj has changed in some ways since wwx has come back, in ways that I think confuse and put wwx on the defense in some cases. but overall there's a steady reliability there that I think plays a significant role in why he loves lwj - he's something familiar and comforting and dependable in a new and strange world

aww their reunion!!

love this scene! wwx never really thought he was above wen ning, but he didn't always show it so clearly. he's communicating so well to wn here - we're equals, I'm not above you, you can stand tall and not be ashamed of yourself

ohhh that's why he wanted bichen

his face is so funny and 2. man I guess that's the translation but I like bichen better

another funny scene. wen ning noisily and clumsily running away right behind wwx and wwx stumbles over his words trying to explain himself

how the FUCK did they get here. like there was no effort put into this at all lol wwx was just like 'hehe I got lost" HOW DID YOU GO FROM THE CITY CENTER TO A RANDOM FARMHOUSE

man, wyb is BACK in this episode. idk why things were so weird and cold in previous episodes but he's got so much more expression in his face this time. even his dopey blank drunk-face is like deeply intent and focused. he is honestly very cute here

LEGEND

ohhh I love this. couple quality activities

I don't think it's fair to call ss utter shit with a sword, so lwj really is just that good. goddamn.

im like really enamored with this face? god he's so open and honest and vulnerable like this

so cute I can't 😭

this makes me sooo mad because we SAW the brand on his chest we KNOW he got drunk and did that so why shouldn't he have gotten drunk off wwx's favorite wine?? huh??? at least, he did in the book iirc

side note, but as someone whose first exposure to the story was the drama, I put the pieces together pretty well myself. like, who else would it have been? it had to have been lwj himself

back to chatting about rabbits. what a goofy smile. and look how much wwx is laughing, aww

this is a great scene for the confession itself, but I've always loved most xz's performance. those big wet eyes, and all that swallowing - he's so touched he really might start crying right there. and it's so important to wwx to know that someone trusted him, and believed in him, and wished they'd done something differently to help him. the last time someone publicly defended him he did cry. it's something I love a lot about wwx

and I just like that smile so much. all that love in there. that affection. almost looking like nostalgia

I like the idea that wwx is someone who can remember who he was when he was young more easily with lwj - that innocence and energy and joy he used to have

this is also really funny. I'm sure it's not nine. he's just announcing it is because he's going to sleep now, so it must be

and the only time we see him with a nightmare postres. makes sense that he still gets them - BM and the war was only a few years ago

aww his smile when he sees the kids is so cute

THE FAKE MOUSTACHE I CAN'T

some sick burns these kids are delivering

[iamnotawomanimagod]

I really liked the halsey movie, I went into it with a grain of salt as the only other album movies I've seen was fall out boys and Melanie's, so I kinda expected ya know, weirdness and not so perfect acting lol, and im sure as halsey has taken up other acting projects they've heard the criticism and have done some work (I still haven't seen americana yet and I'm also pretty excited for maxxxine, also as someone who hasn't even seen X or pearl yet)

But I feel like the movie itself was based around a lot of halseys experiences with pregnancy, I fucking loved what you might call the "impregnation" scene, idk, something something, self induced body horror.

I don't know if it was worth the 12 bucks on amazon, but my sister bought it for me lol. Fall out boys movie was free on YouTube and also had some boobs, but maybe 12 bucks is the price you pay for imax and full frontal nudity from the artist themselves. I know nudity is more so relevant for ratings but for some reason my brain is correlating that with the cost lmfao

I really liked it too! I was a bit apprehensive, just because it was such a huge undertaking. I'd also seen Melanie's movie at that point, and of course jumped on the Lemonade train with Beyonce as soon as I could. Janelle Monae did a movie for their album Dirty Computer, too (which I adored.) So I was prepared for the whole "concept album film" thing, and I figured since Halsey already makes very cinematic music, they had a good chance of making a really cool film.

And I think IICHLIWP is a great film! I really loved the whole storyline about Lila and her pregnancy and how that was tied to her royalty. All the little hints and glimpses about the "Lilith" character, especially whenever Lila saw her in the mirror - it just made for a really cool kind of "legend" style story, when it all ends with Lila dying and Lilith coming to life. I think it gave Halsey a chance to work through their own complicated feelings about motherhood, pregnancy, and the way these things are both incredibly liberating and horrifying and limiting all at once. It's also just a very visually interesting film and I love the costumes and the makeup. (And hey, shoutout to Halsey's pregnancy titties, they looked so good 😂😂)

I will agree though with some of the criticism H has gotten around their acting. I think they're an incredible artist - they can paint, sing, dance, create incredible visual worlds, do gorgeous makeup, write beautiful poetry... it's probably okay that they aren't also the most talented actor in the world, lol. I tend to think that she's really good with like, facial expressions and body language, but something about her line reads often comes across as just a little stilted to me.

That being said, I also haven't seen her in Americana. And they were clearly talented enough to land a role in Maxxxine, which is a pretty big deal. Maybe she's grown and worked on it, like you said.

All in all I'm curious to see what she'll do as an actor. And I'm always excited about their music videos and the other visual/film mediums she does for their albums. I feel like she's already so great at so many things, and even if I end up being underwhelmed by her acting, I'll have a million more ways she's gonna impress me to enjoy. <3

[abcdosaka]

other stuff

i bought britney's memoir day 1 and read it in two days. obviously. really really good i'm so glad i got it bc her voice is captured very clearly but also its written in a captivating way that really sparks my interest like i didn't wanna put it down. it was a better reading experience than i'm glad my mom died, like that book was great and it made me cry too but something about the way all the chapters were separated made it annoying to read sometimes.

the only reason i didn't read it all at once is bc i had to sleep and i was getting into the start of the conservatorship which was really hard to read. a lot of it is actually hard to read, esp the divorce and her being institutionalized, i think bc i'm kind of a stan so reading her personal feelings on everything was really tough. but anyway i cried twice

idk people were complaining like "we already knew all this tho" but you never heard it directly from britney?? like why are you complaining? didn't you wanna know britney's perspective on everything? how are you even a fan. i knew a lot of this stuff bc there have been deep dives on her and i've read them like a lot of her early life and the stuff abt her family history have been documented and aren't really a surprise to me but i always took them w several grains of salt bc you could never confirm this stuff unless she personally confirmed it, which in this case she did.

i even saw people saying they wanted her to talk about the original doll and her music like what? i don't think this was ever a memoir that was meant to be about her music i mean this is for her for express herself in her own words for once. well she did say that part 2 is coming next year so maybe she'll cover it there.

genuinely tho i can't understand wanting to lock people up like that its actually monstrous. and the only reason is bc they wanted to use her as a cash cow. and now everyone's like she keeps posting naked pics on ig :( was ending the conservatorship a mistake? like actually shut the fuck up. first of all, in general, infantilizing someone and making them helpless is not helping them develop any sense of independence in the first place. second of all, all she does is post naked pics and dancing vids with all the emojis like what is the problem!!!!! maybe its the cctv angle but she's like 40 please give her a break. maybe she's a little cringe WHO CARES shes literally just having fun and loving her body. she's literally not harming anyone. you think ppl should be institutionalized and 'handled' just for being a little weird?

anyway whatever i'm not engaging with the morons or conspiracy theorists anymore. people on the internet are so fucking dumb and lacking in any sense of understanding or empathy. the ppl that say she should be are always so judgemental and have horrible vibes and yet i'd still never say "we should put them in a conservatorship". like you go ahead and make your stupid decisions and say your shitty opinions on your own.

kinda on topic kinda off but when my parents get old enough that they can't function i really don't wanna put them in a home or anything even resembling a conservatorship type scenario. i'd hate to see them suffer or have no freedoms and elder abuse scares me icl. they're p dogshit at emotions and i don't particularly like to talk to them about serious shit and idk how i'll come out to them if ever but i do love them and i could never imagine that for them. and even just as a basic human right i want them to make their own decisions.

ugh i made this post so long too. but its been a while since i've been on my britney stan shit so its ok. ive been really into mamamoo again lately. another other ggs too. i really like le sserafim and g-idle. i used to kinda hate idle's music but i think its gotten a lot better lately bc queencard and nxde are soooo good. tomboy is good too but the lyrics are so strange that its distracting (like its okay in their other songs but in tomboy its just too much for me for some reason). le sserafim has really good title tracks and the rest of the album is like eh but epbw and antifragile are some of the best new music i've listened to, antifragile was so addicting.

also looking forward to: the red velvet album. red velvet either releases the greatest music ever or like the worst song i've ever heard in my life. there's more good than bad though so i'm excited. seulgi's solo album was soooo good i only just listened recently but its the groups best solo concept imo.

they're making a dungeon meshi anime and i'm actually excited!! my fav part of dungeon meshi was always the beginning and middle parts like the beginning is REALLY strong. there's also gonna be the love condition anime and that i'm a little less excited for bc that series is the opposite, it gets really good as the chapters go on but the beginning is like wow hananoi you really gotta chill and the anime will only adapt that initial portion :/ will still be watching tho

can't think of anything else but it was nice to write random shit after a while of not doing that. i feel good :)

[nanjokei]

all your sycophants telling you to be meaner, nah youre just an asshole. did you like. even read the post in the first place. bc it doesnt look like you did?? i get that it makes you feel cool and good abt yourself to mock other ppls thinking-out-loud type posts but you basically telling them to shut up and keep their thoughts out of The Pure And Perfect Tag™ and then go on to say "oh im autistic ive never gotten the chance to rly speak up and be mean so this feels good" like..... thats so painfully hypocritical. you should KNOW how it feels to be told "shut up no one cares" so why are you doing it to someone else? so im telling you to shut up. youre annoying and no one cares and you shouldnt use other people as punching bags. asshole

did you get it out of your system. that's great. i don't really feel like giving a benefit of the doubt response anymore given after the first ask you decided to go ballistic like this... like, not even being sassy, i could have just responded "are you mad" and published it. but i am a neurotic person who will respond even if it's not in the way i initially set out to. just for you.

just for transparency, here's the first ask i got last night:

hi. i think you are projecting a lot of feelings onto me that i did not express and stretching my original statements. which in some sense, some may see as understandable! i was being less than gentleman-ly! i don't know if this is the op messaging after i blocked them or a friend coming in to give me a piece of their mind, it does not matter. this is something i was gonna say even in the first ask: had i been approached for an apology, i probably would have caved and apologized, because i'm weak to that kind of thing. at the very least even if i didn't agree, i would have wholeheartedly apologized for any distress or trouble. this isn't bull or me trying to flatter my way out of a situation. the response i got— which a friend ended up reading, to be honest i just blocked right away— was thoroughly strange, something something apologizing and being like "idk tumblr tag etiquette" and choosing to delete the original post. which i would not know how to respond to. i'm not some kind of tag police or god of tumblr or whatever, so why apologize to me or delete the post. i am writing this response under the assumption that it could be someone else, but a hit dog will holler, in this one sentence i will address OP directly: that response was strange. had i read it, i would have either ignored it still or apologized, i have no idea, but initial my response really was "but i have no power over this person or anyone". i did not ask for you to clean up your contribution to a tag or police it. i simply stated my opinion on my blog when prompted by a third party expressedly out of earshot of the op. is that a morally correct thing? proooobably not. but it is the internet. "why are you, the person who got hated on, continuing the cycle of hate" type bs might as well be a self fulfilling prophecy. if you feel this way, why send me asks about it at all if you're gonna go ape over me not responding immediately? does it mean so much to you? go ahead and block. i do not argue with people online. but i'll respond because clearly you want one. not gonna prostrate myself before anyone, and respond just as coldly as you are painting me out to be. this is my special fanservice to you, since you wanted to believe that about me so badly.

>pure and perfect tag

i do not check tags for a reason. i checked it one time. i guess this implication comes off of what i said so i'll say it out clearly but i genuinely could care less past the initial pang of cringe what is in there. had nonnie not continued to converse with me i would have moved on ans forgotten about it. i am not a police or a militia. it means nothing to me most days if a tag is "good". who the hell cares. you are obsessing over my existence, my opinion and the weight of such a thing a bit too much over here.

>shut up no one cares

neeeever said this, and no one has ever said this to me. the story i recounted about being called toxic was in the youtube comments and was 5 years ago. no one told me "no one cares". it just hurt my ego. anyway, if someone cared so much to send two asks about it, then thank you. i really won't shut up.

>never got the chance to speak up and be mean

ok.

>my sycophants

it was one nonnie. are you obsessed with me or something? i am like one random ass blogger on a dying website. i do not have an army or cult of personality. i am just one guy.

>end of the ask

heard you loud and clear. thanks for the feedback, not gonna reflect on it much though. it was an asshole move. does it make me an asshole? yup.

it was catty and petty of me. i knew that much from the very first ask i answered. but op wasn't tagged, i didn't send anyone to them either, so i can only really think "what were you doing on my blog anyway". because yes, this is a blogging site, not a pvp site, i didn't engage with anyone to start fights. didn't bring op's name into it, didn't actively mock them (the comment about them not being special was ad hominem though i admit to that much. sorry.)

you cannot expect everyone to be 100% nice and handle people with kiddie gloves in their own blog space when they are not bringing you into it especially given i did not direct anyone to anyone's post.

had it been me i would have just blocked and moved on. pwease no steppy and all that. whoever sent op an ask about it to make them respond is kind of a drama obsessed weirdo lol. like i'm just saying. causing both me and op a headache. it did not have to shake out like this. neither of us were gonna engage with each other and everyone could have gone to sleep without any icky feelings. honestly, from my point of view, both of you are strange. wow, i am barely hiding who i think is behind this ask. but it really is addressed very generally.

don't send me another ask! i will just publish them with no response. this situation was entirely avoidable and i lament that you decided to both waste my time and your own with all this. just block me like i asked!

[youandthemountains]

man. I like Johnny, I want better for Johnny, I loved watching Johnny start to grow into himself and be open to change and feel out what matters to him vs what he just parroted from how he grew up even as doing so further isolated him. Loved watching him rediscover a joy in living & learn what he wants to carry forward

But

I just. wish. I could still enjoy lawrusso content - and I think I still can, I still want to, but everything just ignores or brushes past the thing I couldn't stand about him in s4&5 which is just the total lack of regret or any feelings at all about what he did to Daniel, and the very minimal self-awareness about how he's affected everyone else in his life, Carmen and Shannon and Robby and Miguel, people who are hurt by him because they love him and the entire storyline just always becomes well but. He had a sad life 😔 and it makes him sad if you make him feel responsible for how he's affected you 😔.

Like I don't think he should be punished by the story or by his loved ones at all, I don't want to see him wracked with guilt, I don't want to see him grovelling, I don't even want to see him apologize. But it's hard to care about their dynamic at all when he's just - it's so obvious that it doesn't matter at all to him, he's never actually considered how anyone else might have felt, there's no empathy, there's just holding tight onto how everything is someone else's fault. With Robby, the apology given emotionlessly alongside a demand, and again the total lack of empathy - "I know where stuff is in the van because I used to be homeless and slept in it after you abandoned me and cared more about a rivalry than your kid" just totally brushed off and used to somehow guilt trip his son. & In the context of lawrusso specifically - the closest I think the show has ever ever gotten to acknowledging the thing with Daniel wasn't a rivalry was having Chozen say "We're both so similar, we both feel regret for what we've done" while Johnny just sits there silent and blank faced like. I laughed out loud at that scene bc they literally couldn't even have him verbalize that because then it might look like Johnny agrees he may have at some point been in the wrong! That on top of the s4 bar scene where he doesn't give af about what's scaring Daniel & on top of Johnny just continuing to not at all when Daniel comes to him begging for help in S5E5 just kills their dynamic for me because it becomes so painfully. Idk, one-sided, pathetic on Daniel's end to want someone who so clearly doesn't care about him and has been expressing that since he was 17.

I still think about their dynamic but I just can't with stuff that still all is ultimately about Understanding What a Sad Life Johnny Has Had & So It's Actually Cruel To Expect to be Treated Respectfully as an Equal By Him & his love interest should just exist to tell him actually everything is their own fault or to be mean only to learn that actually Johnny's martyring himself for them, or be a prize with no thoughts or feelings of their own (the show is very complicit in this in how it treats Carmen when they're together, & even how it has Shannon post therapy absolve Johnny of everything with zero effort on his part. Not a bad thing to move on from resentment in your life knowing you'll never get closure from a Watsonian perspective but from a Doylist why is that the only post-rehab Shannon scene we get? Why don't we get anything exploring her relationship with her son or her actually being allowed to have feelings about how Johnny treated her without her being portrayed as a neglectful gold digging party girl who's disrupted his relationship with the kid he abandoned?

Like these would be good stories, amazing character arcs except within the show and often bc of that likewise within fics, the story just becomes you just can't ever hold him responsible because he's So Sad 😔 and it won't actually let him grow into - this happened to me but I don't have to perpetuate it and let my own hurt overwhelm my thoughts and drown out my ability to respond to my present situation.

I will say, the scene with Kreese was amazing, tthe best and maybe only scene I liked for his arc in s5. Did feel unearned though like so many of his relationship resolutions this season. And even there I can't even enjoy the arm squeeze because holding the guy back when you've never expressed, even internally!, that you don't still think of him the way Kreese taught you to think of him is like. blech. Daniel gets treated so often by him as this irrational violent hothead that it's hard to see that, from his perspective, as supportive except in a sad kk3 "I'm inherently violent and it's good Johnny can keep me in check" way.

idk I've been trying to avoid ruminating on the negatives and focusing on the stuff I loved but I guess this all has been festering anyway so I wanted to write it out.

[fruitquake]

listen. idk what your headcanons for reg are,,, but,,,, aroace reg coming out to sirius?? brotherly feels??? if you don't vibe with that just bless me with those two brothers, i need to see them hug

mate, i literally love this prompt. here, i hope you like this and that it gives u all the black brother feels <3

hope it’s okay i made this a muggle au, they’re just what i do best lol

(also: at first sirius is quite ignorant but pls read the whole thing before judging)

-

Regulus’ heart was beating like a hummingbird’s as he raised his hand and knocked on the door to his brother's room. 

“What do you want?”

Sirius no doubt knew it was him. Their parents never knocked.

Regulus opened the door, struggling to control his breathing. “Uhm… Sirius?”

Sirius was sitting on his bed, laptop in front of him. He rolled his eyes when Regulus entered. 

“Hang on, guys,” he said to the computer screen. Regulus recognized the faces on the screen as Sirius’ friends: James, Remus, and Peter. He took out his headphones and finally looked at Regulus. “This better be important.”

“It is!” Regulus said. It was important. If Sirius knew how much courage it had taken to come in there in the first place, a kind of courage he likely wouldn’t be able to muster again, he would understand the importance. “Please, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

Sirius sighed, turning towards his computer again. For a moment, Regulus thought he was being given the cold shoulder, but then Sirius said to his friends: “Gotta go.”

He hung up and closed the computer, then looked back at Regulus, eyes softening as he noticed how nervous he was. “Everything alright, Reg?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Regulus answered in a shaky voice. Why was he so nervous? Surely, he didn’t have to worry about Sirius not accepting him, when Sirius himself understood what it was like to be… different. 

Sirius himself hadn’t gotten the luxury of coming out on his own terms. Regulus had found out about him and Remus last summer, despite Sirius’ attempts at hiding their relationship. At first, it had been difficult to look at his brother the same: Their parents’ bigoted views had gotten to him, however much he tried to deny it. But over the course of the year, he’d gotten so much better, and then… Well, he’d started to realize he wasn’t “normal”, as their parents put it, either. 

He’d thought he was gay at first. It was the only other option he knew and if he didn’t fancy girls, he had to be gay right? He’d ignored the fact that he didn’t fancy guys either, constantly telling himself that it would come eventually. But then he’d discovered the term “Aromantic”, and everything had made sense. 

“Come on, Reg,” Sirius said, gesturing for him to sit down on the bed. “Tell me what’s up.”

Regulus sat next to him. He wasn’t scared to tell Sirius anymore. He was ready. “I'm asexual,” he told him. “And aromantic.” 

The blank look in Sirius’ eyes was hard to read. “Sorry, what’s that?” he asked after a moment. 

“Well,” Regulus said. “You like boys. Some people like girls, and some again like both…”

“Very well observed, Reg.”

“And I,” Regulus told him. “I don’t like anyone. At least not in that way.”

Sirius stared for a moment, then he shook his head. “That’s not a thing,” he said. “You can’t just not like anyone.”

“No, it is a real-”

“Maybe you’re gay,” Sirius interrupted him. “Trust me, at first I was confused, too, as to why I didn’t like girls.” 

Regulus wanted to cry. His own brother didn’t believe him. “I’m not gay,” he said. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay!”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” 

Sirius was taken aback by the sudden raise of Regulus’ voice. He’d tried to hold the tears back but there they were, pooling up in his eyes and slowly rolling down his cheeks. 

He managed to catch Sirius’ shocked expression before turning around to leave. Before he shut the door, he briefly turned around to look at Sirius. “I thought you of all people would understand.”

-

My love <3: everything alright? we haven’t heard from u all evening and u usually never stop spamming the groupchat

Sirius looked at the text from Remus, thinking about a good response.

Sirius: Dw I’m fine. Just had a bit of an argument with Reg

He bit down on his lower lip. To call it an argument wasn’t entirely fair. He quickly added another message:

Sirius: I think i might have fucked up

My love <3: how so?

Sirius: Well, it’s kinda hard to explain in text. Can I call you?

My love <3: ofc

Remus picked up after the second ring. “Hey,” he said. “What’s going on?”

Sirius hesitated, before asking: “Have you heard the word “aromantic” before?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well,” Sirius mumbled. “Reg told me he was aromantic. And... asexual? But… That’s not a real thing, is it?” he asked.

“Yes, Sirius, it is a real thing.”

Oh… “Shit,” he whispered, the image of Regulus running out of his room with tears in his eyes playing in his head again. “I definitely fucked up.”

“You told Regulus it wasn’t real?” Remus asked. 

Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I… Yeah.” He wanted to try and defend himself but did he really deserve that? “I’m a terrible brother,” he mumbled.

“Well, it was definitely not okay for you to invalidate his identity like that,” Remus said. “But it doesn’t make you a terrible brother. I know how much you care about him, Sirius. You just need to make it up to him and, most importantly, let him know you support him.”

Sirius nodded. “Right,” he said. “Yeah, you’re right, babe. I need to do that.”

-

The music from Regulus’ headphones was so loud he barely heard the knock on his door. He paused the music and sat up in bed, unsure if he’d really heard anything. 

He heard the next set of knocks quite clearly, though, and his brother’s voice which followed them. “Hey, can I come in?” 

Regulus thought back to his conversation with Sirius yesterday. That’s not a thing. You can’t just not like anyone.

“No,” he answered. “Leave me alone.”

“Reg, please,” Sirius said. “I have something for you!”

“Go away.”

There was a pause, and Regulus thought Sirius might’ve left, but after a while he said: “I’ll just slide it under the door, then.”

Regulus turned on his music again and turned away from the door, but he still saw the piece of paper sliding through the small space underneath the door. He didn’t care. Whatever it was, he didn’t want it.

The song ended and a new one began, the loud bass drowning out the world. But it couldn’t silence his curiosity…

He glared at the piece of paper on the floor, before finally giving in and picking it up. 

His heart caught in his throat. It looked like a handmade card of sorts. In the middle, Sirius had drawn a heart, one side in the colours of the asexual flag, the other coloured like the aromantic one. Above the heart he’d written, in pretty cursive letters: “Sorry,” and underneath: “I was a dick.” The “was” has been scratched out and replaced with “am”.  

Regulus teared up, but this time they were tears of joy, as he rushed out the door. He almost collided with Sirius, who was still standing in the hallway. He glanced nervously at Regulus.

“I know this doesn’t make things right,” Sirius said. “But… I hope it counts for something.”

Regulus nodded, looking down at the card still clutched in his hands. It was clear that a lot of effort had been put into it.

Sirius put his hand on Regulus’ shoulder and he looked back up at him. There was a sincere look in his eyes, something Regulus had never seen from him before.

“I’m sorry I was so ignorant, and so quick to judge,” Sirius said. “That’s exactly how people treat me for my sexuality, so… I really should’ve known better. I’m sorry.”

Regulus bit down on his lower lip. He wasn’t going to cry in front of his brother again; it was embarrassing enough the first time. 

“I just want you to know,” Sirius said, “That you have my full support, Reg. I… Yesterday, after our conversation, I spent hours doing research and I found out some really interesting things. Did you know sexuality is a whole spectrum?” His eyes glistened with excitement. “Like, asexuality and aromanticism are even spectrums of themselves! Isn’t that cool?”

Regulus couldn’t help but grin. He was having trouble concealing his own excitement. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s cool, Sirius.”

Before he even realized what was happening, Sirius pulled him into a hug. A real, warm, brotherly hug. Regulus couldn’t remember ever being hugged like that before. He didn’t quite know how to feel about it.

“Y’know,” he said, arms hanging awkwardly in the air as he wasn’t sure where to put them. “I really appreciate your support, but this is kinda weird. We never hug.” 

That only made Sirius hug him tighter. “We do now,” he said. “C’mon, just roll with it, you’re ruining the moment.

Slowly, Regulus returned the hug. It actually, strangely, felt… Good? “Thank you,” he mumbled, feeling safer and more loved than he remembered ever feeling before. 

Sirius chuckled. “We should do this more often.”

[handonhaven]

I know so many are tired of having malivore as a villain because we've been dealing with him for 3 seasons now(even though it was stated that he's the villain of the series). And people are ready to be done with malivore. I honestly don't mind it. Because it just seems more realistic to me. Some bad guys takes seasons to take down because of how strong they are, and how smart they are. And malivore's been around for a 1000 years give or take, there's no way they can take him down in a season or even two. And I think the build up from season 1 til now. Because I did not see that coming. I want to talk about Clarke and the whole Holarke ship. When I first saw Clarke I thought he was going to be the Katherine of legacies(I'm not comparing legacies to the vampire diaries because they're clearly very different). But now it seems like they're putting him on the road to being a good guy now. And I'm not really a fan of that, because it seems like with legacies everyone ends up turning into a good guy. And that's not very realistic to me. Clarke has been the way he is for centuries now and I think a lot of that was based on fear. I believe that some people are so stuck in there ways there is no way they can change. The Holarke ship just seems so wrong to me. I know it won't happen because it seems like legacies is breaking off from putting 16-19 year olds together with someone centuries older than them. But I could be wrong. Also I don't get why I see so many people say that they don't like legacies because it's not like the vampire diaries and the originals(but that's the point). But if they dislike it so much then why are still watching it?

I don’t really have a problem with Malivore either. The thing is that, yes, he’s been the villain, but we’ve not actually seen him as the villain. He’s been in the background and the cause of the monsters, but he’s not really been there and interacting with the other characters till now. And there’s just so much we don’t know about him. He’s been the villain, but they’ve not really explored him as a character or how his dimension and everything works, his connection with Landon, how exactly he created Landon and what Landon is, etc. So I’m not entirely sure why so many people want him gone when we haven’t found out all there is to know. I just have so many questions, I’d be very upset if they got rid of him and dropped it before explaining everything. And that’s a good point, it is more realistic for them to take longer to defeat this being that’s been around for so long. And who is also still very mysterious in his abilities and what exactly he’s capable of and all of his goals. So I feel there’s a lot more of Malivore’s story that they haven’t even gotten into yet. And I agree, I think they’ve done a fairly good job with the build up as well.

And yeah, I didn’t really know what they were gonna do with Clarke, and I’m still not sure. I hadn’t thought he would be as much of a villain as Katherine was, but then he wasn’t even around for all that long before they killed him off in 2x08, and I had thought there was a good chance he’d never be back. But true, it seems they are making him a good guy now. Though whether they’ll keep him around or not, who knows, he could end up leaving the show again. But you make a good point, there aren’t many characters on Legacies that stay bad or are real threats. And yes, when someone is a certain way for as long as Clarke has been, you’d think it would take a very long time for them to truly change, if they ever did. And some characters just don’t, so that could end up being the case with Clarke, I guess we’ll have to see. And agreed, I know Holarke isn’t gonna happen, and it does seem like they’re trying to stay away from ships with those age gaps now. The last one they had was Lizzie and Sebastian, and that did not end well. And it wasn’t received well by a lot of the fans either. So I think they’re trying to avoid ships that could be controversial in that way.

Okay, to be completely honest, I am one of those people who wishes Legacies was more like TVD and TO so I’m not sure I’ll be very helpful in answering that part of your ask. 😂 Idk, the thing is I’m a longtime TVDU fan. Like, I’ve literally been watching since day one when the TVD pilot aired. So for me, it’s been hard to see all the changes with Legacies. And it’s not because I want it to be just like the other two shows. I don’t want a repeat of the same storylines and I’m fine with the concept and storylines in Legacies with Malivore and everything. I just wish that the writing and the quality was as good as the other two shows. And also the tone... I know that they wanted Legacies to be different and for it to be lighter, and that’s fine. But imo, the way they’ve gone about making it “lighter” has been very... strange. And I feel they’ve taken it to the extreme a lot of the time. I just feel like, if you’re gonna make another show in a franchise, the tone should be similar enough to the past shows so it can still feel connected and grounded in that same world. And Legacies has often not even felt like TVDU to me. So those are just some of my main issues with it being different. And I could say a whole lot more about that and go on for a while, but I won’t. I don’t wanna be negative or bother anyone, these are all just my own opinions. I know some people love it just how it is, and if you do, that’s great. And even though I’ll express my disappointments with the show, I really do try to focus on what I do love about it (Handon) and try to put my energy into enjoying Handon content rather than just hating the stuff about the show I don’t like. And Hope and Landon are basically the main reasons I watch the show at this point. And because I’m just very attached to this thing I’ve been watching for over a decade and this show is all that’s left of it so I am curious to see what happens. So that’s why I keep watching it. I’m not sure what other people’s reasons are for continuing to watch it though. I understand if people are disappointed and want to express that or talk about improvements that could be made. But if they’re just spreading negativity and hate, and there’s nothing about the show that they enjoy, I’m not sure why they’d still watch it. If they don’t like anything about it, they might as well just stop watching.

[sophroniaa]

Perfectly Lovable

(just quickly wanted to say a huge thank you for the love on "Admiring", it honestly means the world to me. 🖤 & aaaalso, this might turn into a two parter if you like it?? idk)

Word count: 1,3k

Trigger warnings: Mentions of alcohol, being hungover

You wake up the next day, hungover to say the least, trying to deny the real reason as to why you got so drunk in the first place.

It had struck later in the afternoon and you were sitting in the backyard with Rook, enjoying the afternoon sun before it would set and the degrees would start dropping for the night. You had all been having a lazy day. A few of the guys even just starting to come back to life after last night's party. It hadn't been too long since you'd gotten out of bed yourself, feeling too hungover to move. Your thoughts wandered back to the night before, trying to remember what had happened past midnight… you came to the conclusion that the night could be rounded up very easily, as you'd been way too drunk since most of the night came up as a thick fog. The throbbing headache only proving your mental point further.

"It's been a while since I drank that much…" You mumbled to Rook, which only gained a snort in return. "Tell me about it." He chuckled as an answer to your statement, also thinking back to the events of the night before. "Have to say you took me by surprise when you challenged me to a tequila race." He said after a few seconds of silence, the images from the night before playing clearly in his mind. 

The new information caused you to push your sunnies further down your nose to look at him, eyeing his facial expressions trying to see if he was fucking with you. You covered your face with your hands in slight embarrassment when you realized he wasn't. "No fucking wonder we feel like absolute shit today." You said shaking your head, no longer finding the aching body & foggy memories strange.

"Don't think I've ever seen you that drunk." He stated before taking another sip of his pedialyte. You leaned over and took the plastic bottle from him before taking a gulp of your own. A grimace quickly spreading across your face once the taste hit your tastebuds, holding out the bottle to read the flavor.

"Euw, you willingly drink the mixed fruit flavor?" You exclaimed, more than happy to give him the bottle back.

He burst out laughing at your reaction. "So you're able to down multiple shots of tequila with a straight face but pedialyte gets you?" He teased, smirking so big that his eyes squinted a little.

"Shut up asshat…" You mumbled before offering him a playful smile.

"You seen Kells today?" You asked instead, not sure if you dare hear anything else about your drunken state from the night before. You leaned your head back, letting the sunshine rest on your tired face.

Rook only shook his head in response. You could see from the corner of your eye that he sneaked a peek at you trying to read your feelings. "So…" He started to say before falling quiet, like he was debating whether or not to bring it up. "We gonna talk about why you got so fucked up last night?"

You leaned your head back again to enjoy the warmth of the sun whilst hiding away behind your dark sunglasses. "I'm good, Rookie." You said flatly, knowing exactly what he was trying to get at. "Not like I haven't seen him with other girls before."

Not like you hadn't seen him with other girls before wishing it was you in their place.

"I'm just saying… Even an idiot would connect the dots, he brings over his "new girl" & you, who normally don't drink much, gets absolutely trashed."

"That's not why!" You protested.

"Oh yeah, then why did you get so drunk?" He was quick to ask. "Enlighten me." His voice letting you know just how much he believed you, which would be about approximately zero procent. Deep inside, you knew you were crushing so incredibly hard on Colson. It was just easier pretending like you didn't. The palms of your hands would start to sweat just by the simple thought of actually telling him. You could only imagine standing right before him trying to explain the situation, to you that sounds like nothing but a bulletproof plan for a break down.

This caused you to sit in silence for a while, trying to come up with something smart to say… Reaching for anything, really. So far you'd been doing a horrible job at trying to convince him. To be fair, you were probably the one needing the convincing. However it fooled neither of you, no matter how hard you tried to deny stuff. When you came up shorthanded you sighed loudly, signaling that he'd won this time around as well.

Fuck models, switch condoms. You felt your heart thug a little, thinking about the constant variation of girls in his life. As of right now he was seeing a brunette model that you honestly couldn't remember the name of, not too long before that it had been a blonde.

You hated it.

How they would stride into his life chasing that bad boy fantasy, wanting a taste of the exciting celebrity world, being MGK's center of attention for a short while.

Something you hated even more was how they knew exactly what they got themselves into, only to become disappointed when he immediately didn't change his ways and grant their wishes by becoming a whole other person for them.

"You've got that look on your face again." Rook pointed out only to sigh dramatically when he realized you'd slipped deep in thought about Colson, again.

"Sorry, what?" You sat up, straightening out in your seat, coming back to reality after he had nudged your leg with his.

"I said, you've got that look on your face again." Rook repeated. You looked at him dumbfounded.

"You get a bothered look on ya face when you think of the constant switching of girls." Rook explained in a matter of factly tone. Trying to even out your furrowed forehead with his thumb to further prove his point. You were quick to shake your head.

"It's not that… " You said while hating how well he could read you, always knowing exactly what's on your mind. Part of you knew there really was no point in denying it, he could read you like a book at this point. In a desperate attempt at keeping your mouth shut you started to chew on the insides of your cheek, but unfortunately it didn't take long before you spoke again.

"I just hate how they exactly know what they're getting themselves into and yet still have the nerves to act disappointed, demanding this and that, ultimatums left and right… " You mumbled, picking at your nails. "Leaving him to blame it all on himself thinking he's a complicated man to love."

When in reality it was the complete opposite, perfectly lovable the way he is. He was in no way complicated if you saw him for who he was instead of trying to change him into what you thought best fit. Understanding how the things he had been through shaped him into his whole existence. He still had his struggles, but who doesn't? He put on a tough act a lot of the time, acting like nothing could get to him, sometimes even talking a big game, sure thing, but underneath all that was a mushy lil' Colson. A side to him he wouldn't show to just anyone, you had to connect with him. Vibe with him. Almost like he needed to make sure your intentions were good before he could let his walls down a little. He wasn't just an angry guy, shouting into the microphone at an impressive pace. There was so much more to him than the established MGK image.

Never had you met a more genuine or kind-hearted guy, so naturally your heart ached when you oh so clearly could see people taking advantage of that.

Bitches, news flash, this ain't build-a-man factory.

"Dude, just fucking tell him already!" Rook exclaimed, clearly becoming impatient with how you acted like you only saw him as a good friend. "You the type of girl he should be with. These toxic models ain't doing him no good."

"Someone to date him for who he really is, shows him patience and acceptance. Understands his issues and encourage him to get better." He saw the hint of uncertainty spreading across your face as he talked. "Stop that, I honestly think that equals you." He said, putting his palm on the left side of his chest. "You just need a little encouragement to get over your nerves." He teased.

You couldn't help but smile at Rook's encouraging words, loving how he always rooted for you no matter what. You reached your arms out to embrace him in a big hug, a way of showing your appreciation towards him. "Everyone needs a Rook in their life." You mumbled into his chest.

[jordluna]

You Meet Steve Rogers (Natasha x daughter!reader)

Summary: On a mission to rescue hostages, you end up meeting Captain America along the way. The daughter reader is 15. Since reader is in her teenage years she's pretty sassy and her and Nat have a kinda bitchy relationship but it's still sweet though.

"I have a mission with Steve to go on. I should be back in the morning so stay home, and don't do anything reckless while I'm gone." Natasha says while loading up guns on her cat suit as you sit on the couch of your apartment and binge the 100 on the T.V.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll stay here." You say while shoving a load full of popcorn in your mouth. You want her to leave badly so you can go onto the next season before the next day.

"Stay here and don't stay up late." She says firmly as you turn your back to face her to say one last remark.

"No mom, I'll go to the popular girl's party, get drunk, and hook up with the hottest dude I see." She rolls her eyes as she leaves the apartment, while you snicker to herself.

Just as your about to get up to make some more popcorn your phone rings from your hoodie. You pull it out,hoping one of your friends wants to chat with you so you won't be bored all night. Instead you see Director Fury's name on the screen.

You groan, as you swipe to answer it, knowing never to not answer Fury's calls.

"Was-sup Fury." You say while shutting off the T.V.

"Agent Romanoff, it's great to here from you again. Since you haven't showed up to Shield the past two weeks." Fury says not even trying to hid the annoyance in his voice.

"Two weeks already? Well I've been very busy with school work and all." You lie, as for the real reason you haven't shown up is because you were to busy binging The 100."Romanoff I think you must have forgotten you're on Spring break." You wince as you have totally forgotten.

"Shit." You mutter under your breathe. "Shit, indeed." Fury says back after a little bit of silence.

"So why'd you call me exactly?" You ask. "I need you as back up on your mother's and Steve's mission." He then explains their mission to you.

"So what do I have to do?" You ask annoyed that your all nighter is ruined, due to saving lives. "You, my least favorite Romanoff, have to collect Shield's intel on the ship. You can also kick some ass if needed." You sigh while putting on your cat suit and loading your weapons.

"Will do pirate dude." You say while leaving the apartment. "Also I'm so flattered to be your least favorite Romanoff."

"A car should be in the front of your house to escort you to the quinjet. You can jump off shortly after Natasha and Steve are already inside the ship."

"Sounds easy enough."

"Don't disappoint me y/n." You just sigh and end the call. You let your red hair down from the messy bun it was already in. Well time to do the dirty work.

*****

As you hide in the back of the ship you do what Fury instructed and waited for everyone to get off before you leave. Once you jump off you immediately start making your way to the to the control room to grab the data and go, hoping maybe just maybe you can finish one last episode before your mom comes home. Men immediately start running at you but you take out your dagger and slide towards them on your knees, slicing their thighs.

As they knell to the floor you stab them in the chest and make a break for the room. You think about using your guns tonight off the men in front of you but you know that's more of Natasha's thing than yours. Plus the guns would be to loud and you don't want to bump into anyone you know on the mission.

So instead you just do the simple hand to hand combat and leave without a single bruising or scratch as usual while the guys are wailing in pain on the ground.

"Sorry about that, but to be fair you did ruin my movie night." You say with a sinister smile.

*****

Steve moves around the ship looking for the rest of the hostages when he sees pirates injured on the ground. He immediately thinks it's Natasha since there is no there person that can fight without some sort of weapon as good as her. Let alone lave five men unconscious on the ground. As he walks closer he sees two more injured guys on the ground with what appear to be stab wounds.

"Nat, I didn't know you had an interest in knives." Steve says into his ear piece. Natasha is confused by his statement wondering what he is talking about. It then hits her. You were here.

"I'm not." She simply says as Steve is now also more confused.

*****

As you enter the control room you immediately put the hard drive in and start collecting whatever you can. Just then something comes crashing through the door with some unconscious guy underneath him.

"Hey Rogers." You say with a small smirk on your face, recognizing the man as Captain America.

"Who are you and what are you doing?" He says sternly as he pushes you back into the wall, harshly, putting his shield up to your collar bone so you couldn't escape. However you showed no fear in your eyes as you weren't even scared, just irritated that you're still in this room.

"Damn, is this how people introduced themselves in the forties? I'm here on Director Fury's orders."

"To collect Shield intel?"

"Why are you asking if you obviously already know." You say.

"Who are you?" He says firmly looking for an answer.

"Name's y/n. I would ask for your name but I already know because of the whole being a popsicle in a freezer for 97 years."

"You knocked all those guards out there?" He says looking down at the bloody knife in your holster. You just nod quickly hoping to get out of here before your mother finds you and grounds you for life.

"Why would Fury send a 14 year old girl out here?" Ok, now your annoyed with the interrogation.

"I'm 15 Cap. Get your facts strait before spitting them out." He most likely annoyed to as he's pushing you a little more further against the wall. Just as your about to grab the knife and stab him the thigh a familiar voice fills the room.

"Let her go Steve." Natasha says as he releases the pressure on your collar bone. As he moves out of the way you see the one person you've been planning on avoiding this entire mission. Natasha gives you the deadliest glare you've ever seen her give you. You tense for a second but let your muscles relax knowing this isn't the time to be a wimp.

"Hey-" She immediately cuts you off."Я сказал тебе оставаться дома." She's yelling to you in Russian, that's not good. (I told you to stay home.)

"Я знаю, но Фьюри сказал, что тебе нужна помощь.There for here I am." You say trying to reason with her as Steve just watches you guys very confused. (I know, but Fury said you needed back up.) She takes the hard drive out and throws it to you. You catch it and immediately put it in your pocket."Фьюри твоя мать? Нет, я." (Is Fury your mother? No, I am.) You sigh in defeat.

"Can I say something?" Steve says loudly.

"Shut it star spangled capris." You say as he is clearly taken aback.  All of a sudden a grenade is thrown at you by the unconscious guy but Steve uses his shield to knock it away. He grabs the you and your mother and crash into a window. Smoke fills the air as you chuckle slightly at the look on Steve's face when you mocked him. However Steve and Natasha just look at you weirdly and your face goes back to its stern expression.

  ******

You, Natasha, and Steve stand in front Fury's desk in Shield's headquarters. As he stares at you three without saying anything you try to avoid eye contact and just tap the floor with your boot.

"Why would you send a child out on our mission without telling me?" Steve says interrupting the silence.

"Cap did you see the results of putting her on the field? Her mission was to collect Shield intel, and she did it with even getting a few of our foes hurt." Fury responds with and you look at your mother and see a smirk on her face, which makes you feel even more accomplished.

"People could have gotten killed and hurt." Steve says.

"I believe Fury sent the best assassins and super soldier to make sure that didn't happen." Natasha says as you nod your head agreeing.

"The kid could have gotten hurt!"

"Agent y/n Romanoff, is one of the best junior agents, Shield has ever seen. She doesn't get hurt easily." You see the shocked look on Steve's face, mixed with confusion. You, Fury, and Natasha try your best not to laugh as Steve's mouth is practically wide open.

"You better close your mouth before a fly goes in." You say as Steve moves his head looking at you, then Natasha, then back at you. He slowly starts to notice how similar you two are.

"Oh, yeah. I have a daughter." Natasha says as if she just accidentally forgot to mention it before.

"Oh hell no. I'm dreaming." Steve says raising his arms up and starts to leave the room.

"I can assure you that I'm very much real." You say laughing.

I enjoyed making this one a lot. I also just love writing sassy y/n. Sorry if Russian is wrong I'm so sorry I just used google translate. Also I might move to tumblr idk. Next story will be You're okay!

[phoebehalliwell]

ok, hopping off the Leo train, how about a Paige&Richard that's more than a little off the wall? Paige and Richard are a brief teen fling that ends up with twins. They don't stay together, because Richard's mother disapproves and Richard won't go against what she wants, he's weird about Paige being around his family, and he won't let the girls in his house, but he's a good dad to their daughters so Paige learns to live with it. Fast forward a few years, and Paige meets her sisters and gets (1/2)

 her powers. After the dust settles and everyone's safe, she immediately goes to Richard, because they're raising kids and he deserves to know that her new powers could affect their kids. Only she arrives at his place to find out his secret in the worst possible way: the feud got out of hand and one of the girls got hurt. After she finishes freaking out, Paige tells Richard he's not seeing the girls until the feud is over, grabs her girls and heads for the Manor all "hey meet your nieces, my ex is a witch, we need a place to stay" and they spend the night And she wakes up in the morning to Richard standing on the front porch with his new girlfriend Olivia and a brand-new marriage certificate from Vegas, begging her as a new Charmed One to be the one to break it to their feuding families that they've eloped... 

oh thank god i don’t think i could weather one more leo ask okay word paige richard past torrid love affair let’s talk. okay so i think paige would be like yeah i’m doing what’s best for my daughters bc i’m like a 20yo orphan working a minimum wage job and i’m 95% sure richard is loaded (even tho he’s never even let me in the fucking house 🙄) but whatever richard has a family he has a stable home he’s clearly the better one to raise our kids oof our kids what a phrase man i have kids oh my god i have kids i have richard’s kids that’s weird. that’s weird that’s a lot. and so she sorta. i mean she doesn’t forget i mean those are her kids she just doesn’t let that fact really occupy a lot of mental real estate she’s definitely convinced herself her kids are better off without her like she’s basically a kid herself her sobriety’s still sorta on shaky ground if she’s gonna enter their lives she wants to like enter their lives as A Mom and she’s definitely not that right now. so yeah. as stated. not a lot of mental real estate. until one day she’s brewing a potion with phoebe and phoebe’s like hey can you pass me [specific potion ingredient] and paige is like making conversation like y’know i never really liked [specific potion ingredient] it smells like my ex boyfriend and phoebe’s like lmao was ur ex boyfriend a witch and paige is like 😶. will u excuse me for a moment and orbs into richard’s driveway banging the door on the montana estate like hey it’s paige matthews i know you remember me u better open up that door and let me in or i’m gonna orb in there myself and richard opens the door like did u say orb? and paige is like yeah i did gathering you know what that means were you ever gonna tell me u were a witch? and richard’s like oh my god..... how did you die? and paige is like what no i’m a witch too a whitelighter witch witchlighter if you will now answer my question and richard’s like was i ever going to tell you i was a witch and paige is like yuhuh and richard’s like no i mean i didn’t plan on it look i don’t like being a witch i don’t practice the craft it’s not something i’m proud of do you wanna go talk about this somewhere else and paige is like what does that mean and richard’s like come with me and they arrive at this cute little loft in idk the presidio and olivia’s there with the kids and richard’s like um paige meet olivia my fiance olivia meet paige my um. ex and viola and sebastian’s mom. and both olivia and paige are sorta registering each other like. oh um. hi. nice 2 meet u. when paige’s kids coming running into the living room well viola coming running and sebastian’s chasing after her in his wheelchair bc well he only has one leg and paige is like richard. correct me if i’m wrong but the last time i saw my son he had both legs right and richards like yeah i mean like you should really get to know him he’s a total trooper really creative and paige is like richard what happened to that kid’s leg and olivia’s like you should probably sit down and paige is like richard what happened and richard’s like it was an energy ball it happened when he was one and paige is like excuse me?!?!??! are you fucking kidding me!?!???!?!?!?!!?!? and richard’s like it’s this fued it’s been going on between our two families that’s why i never wanted you in the house or getting too close because it’s dangerous and paige is like IF IT’S SO DANGEROUS THEN WHY DID YOU KEEP OUR KIDS THERE? and richard just sorta blanches bc like she’s right but he’s like i mean i was worried,, or at least i thought that the twins would be witches and i couldn’t just leave you to deal with that and paige is like huh yeah interesting point tell that to our Son who lost a limb before his first birthday! and paige is like i’m taking the kids with me and richard’s like what no you can’t that’s you can’t and olivia’s like we can drop them off at your place at four where do you live and paige is like the halliwell manor and olivia who’s a history buff is like the charmed one’s house and paige is like yeah i mean that is where the charmed ones live so and olivia’s like you’re a charmed one?? and paige is like yeah and richard’s like wait what and then he’s like hey are you saying the charmed house is a safer place to grow up in than my house don’t you guys have demons attacking all the time and paige is like well richard we’ve clearly established that your house is actually very much not safe for children so uh yeah i’ll see you at the manor 4 o clock and paige orbs home and immediately finds piper like hi you’re motherly right and piper’s like okay interesting observation and paige is like do you know how to mom and piper’s like not sure what you mean by that and paige is like idk i’ve never had to be a mom before i’m not sure what i’m doing wait oh actually FAMILY MEETING and phoebe and leo also show up and paige is like yeah so uhh in high school did kinda get knocked up did kinda have twins but i left them with their dad and phoebe’s like the witch ex boyfriend? and paige is like yeah and piper’s like the what and paige is like yeah well i thought that was a good idea at the time but it very much was not the point i’m trying to make is two second graders are gonna walk through that door in like half an hour and piper’s like paige!! blah blah blah olivia and richard end up dropping off the kids the kids r like hey who are you and paige is like oh well i’m your mom nice to meet you and the kids are like cool why is your hair a different color than mine and paige is like oh because i dyed it and they’re like can i dye my hair and paige is like sure man i don’t see why not and piper’s eavesdropping in the kitchen like paige!! and paige is like what having dyed hair is cool besides we should be teaching kids to express themselves paige initially has to orb sebastian up to his room bc well stairs so like step number one becomes making sure the house is accessible to sebastian and leo gets to go back into handyman mode which he’s hyped about and phoebe frickin loves having kids around the house and like. olivia and richard end up stopping by like A Lot bc they did spent the better part of the past decade raising those kids and the twins don’t like fully get that paige is like their mom olivia’s sorta been like a mom figure to them blah blah blah the trio end up all bonding as paige gets the 411 on the feud and richard’s like i mean not to sound fucked up but and paige is like great way to start a sentence and richard’s like i mean it’s fucked up but ever since mutilating a baby the fighting has really stopped but uhh and paige is like there’s a but! and olivia’s like the fighting has stopped but the hatred still runs deep and paige is like oh is that why you two haven’t gotten married yet and they’re like yeah 😔 our families won’t give us their blessing and paige is like oh wait is that like a magical thing like you need that before you can get married and they’re like no it’s just like a normal thing you know so your family will like be at your wedding and stuff (and pay for it) and paige is like well why don’t you guys just elope and they’re like what and she’s like yeah get married and that’ll force everyone to come to the table and then you can have a real wedding later right and they’re like i don’t think that’s how it works and paige is like yeah but you might as well give it a shot cut to like x amount of time later and olivia and richard are like okay we eloped can we please bring in some charmed back up so our families don’t like incinerate us or whatever and paige is like damn i wish i could laugh at the joke but nope so yeah we’ll be there so a meeting is called at the neutral space of the halliwell manor blah blah blah they break the news blah blah blah it does take some mediation which whitelighter leo and psych major phoebe are glad to helm and you know what it mostly gets resolved blah blah blah paige trusts richard again they end up like splitting time with the kids with probably richard and olivia taking the majority of the time at their apartments away from the estates paige is sort of less of a mom that she is like a really cool aunt but the situation seems to work just fine soon enough there’s cousin wyatt to join the mix blah blah blah and so on and so forth

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.