#idk i did all of pharma first and then all of ratchet so i think the gap bewteen despite being not very long boogered it

[lemonade-cars]

parm and hatchet doodle

[lord-squiggletits]

OH, I am so interested in your idea for SG Tarnma.

Okay so my exact ideas for SG Tarnma vary a lot, because I think there's two different canon varieties of Shattered Glass: the original Fun Publications SG where everything was completely flipped and turned into crack-canon, and then what IDW later did with Shattered Glass IDW1 where it was more or less just role reversal IDW1 with only some "complete flipping" of lore and personality. There's also my own personal Shattered Glass universe that I built for Pay Unto Evil, so I could also answer this question as "what would Tarnma be in the SG PUE universe."

That being said I'll do my best to explain all of the different ideas I've had for SG Tarnma. All of them are pretty different so I'm not really particularly attached to any one, but here goes

Version 1: FunPub complete role reversal style. Pharma was originally a mere energon farmer get it lol and has a very meek, shy, unconfident personality. He got enlisted by the Autobots, but he spoke too quietly when they asked for his name (Farmer), so they started calling him Pharma. Then at some point Ratchet is like "yo I'm gonna make this completely untrained guy do medical operations. No I'm not gonna send him to medical school he can learn on the job!" And so Pharma becomes Ratchet's apprentice and develops even more anxiety from the hundreds of times he murders patients either on accident bc he literally has no medical training, or on purpose bc Ratchet made him. He's literally just trying his best and doesn't even want to be here. Meanwhile, the SG DJD is known as the Decepticon Jokester Division, formed as a sort of circus troupe meant to bring good cheer to the Decepticons in a time of depressing war. The members of the DJD are codenamed after the first cities they toured right before/when the war started. How reluctant medic Pharma and literal clown Tarn meet in this universe is anyone's guess.

Version 2: IDW style. Tarn and Pharma still have basically the same backstories as canon IDW1 except that Pharma is a professional assassin instead of a doctor (yknow, role reversal where Pharma is an expert at killing people instead of healing them). Also this universe's Pharma has the posh and aristocratic personality fandom thinks he has in canon lol. Maybe Pharma finds out about Tarn having a secret t-cog addiction, and he starts bringing t-cogs to Tarn in exchange for Tarn providing him intel (or some other service, idk). Maybe in this universe instead of Tarn torturing Pharma into insanity, Pharma somehow develops guilt for killing people because of Tarn, then defects from the Autobots willingly? Or they kick him out like in canon

Version 3: Pay Unto Evil SG. Tarn and Pharma would have their FunPub style backgrounds (though maybe Tarn's would be slightly more serious) with the added caveat of Pharma having the evil Matrix's mind control embedded in his brain. He still didn't join the Autobots willingly and wasn't even trained to be a doctor. Somehow he and Tarn meet and fall in love across faction lines because Tarn sees how much Pharma is suffering under mind slavery and feeling like he doesn't belong among his cruel comrades. It's a bit of a tragic one though, as Pharma warns Tarn that the Prime can look through his mind at any time thanks to the Matrix. If he finds out that Pharma is Tarn's vulnerability, he could use that against him somehow, or worse, mind control Pharma into trying to kill Tarn himself. They were both devastated when the universe swap happened and they thought they would never see each other again. Though Pharma secretly felt some relief that Tarn was now a universe away and can find someone else to love who isn't a mind-controlled walking time bomb that could try to murder him at any moment.

[ut-girl666]

also id like to think about a number of other facts.

now I haven’t actually read the comics yet (I SWEAR I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO) so please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I do know an amount, and it gives me so many thoughts on this matter:

one, actually Ratchet kinda treats pharma like trash even before all this?? Like, who tf do you know that is a genuinely good friend and doesn’t even say goodbye at the bare minimum when they hear their friend is going to a separate place bc their superior organized it that way, and they may not even ever see each other again, and instead dips as they’re talking to you?? I’m sorry that is such icky behavior from Ratchet. (This is so minor and dumb to get hung up on but it is important to me, bc Pharma probably considered him a friend or the closest thing he had to one, and Ratchet really just went and did that. icky to me.)

two, considering the circumstances, likely Pharma has had multiple psychotic breaks under the duress and stress he was under, and I can only imagine poor Pharma must have been blaming himself, and thinking he deserved this fate, knowing full well how much danger he was in, and he likely had no escape from, so much, at least at some point, because he put himself here, he made the choice, he made that deal with Tarn. this is all his fault, and he deserved whatever happened to him. (Whoopsie, tangent-) so all in all the stress got to him bad, and he ended up shattering into psychosis. and idk if it’s ever said what they intend to do to handle Pharma after?? but I doubt it was putting him in a hospital like he needs, which is what he needs. he does not need jail, he needs to be put in a mental hospital and on meds, for both the safety of others and his own. I am almost certain if someone simply got him psychiatric treatment and meds like necessary, he could with time eventually be redeemed like Drift was. And the fact that (again I could be wrong, please correct me if I’m mistaken) Ratchet and First Aid never consider that?? also icky.

Then with the whole fucking hands thing?? THAT IS A NEXT LEVEL OF VIOLATION OF BODILY AUTONOMY, AND IT’S RATCHET DOING IT?? yeah um if I knew about that why the fuck would I wanna be in his care after that. AND HE WAS GONNA DONATE PHARMA’S FUCKING HANDS TO WHIRL. like awesome, you’re doing something great for Whirl, but those arEN’T YOUR GODDAMN HANDS, TO BE DONATING. So the fact that Pharma was immoral in trying to get them back, is rightfully deserved, because Ratchet was also immoral stealing them in the first place.

Next up, with all due respect, it is in fact awesome that Drift was redeemed, and I love it! But the only thing that saved him from persecution is making a deal with Prowl. Finding Jesus™️ does not exempt you from the law, and is not a valid defense by any means for massive amounts of serial murder. Again, it’s awesome he went through the whole arc, and repented and feels bad about what he’s done, all in all excellent character w/fantastic development. But I am saying, legally speaking at least and a little bit morally, Drift has no leg to stand on against his far worse crimes than Pharma’s.

Pharma in contrast only committed those crimes because of the duress he was under from his deal (WHICH AGAIN, he made with Tarn originally to PROTECT his patients, from the DJD slaughtering everyone on Delphi.)/his psychosis, and absolutely never would have otherwise. Meanwhile Drift? He did all of that completely aware, no psychosis, no duress, nothing. Pharma has a defense, at least enough to put him in a mental institution that can help him. And likely before trial he would in some form have to be medicated, and yknow what I think would happen?? He’d wake from the psychosis and knowing what he’d done absolutely hate himself beyond belief, quite possibly to the point of being suicidal. {Because he had betrayed his patients, he killed them, when he was the one that had tried so valiantly for so long to protect and save them. That was his job, and he failed, betrayed his oath, and killed them. Why hadn’t he tried a little harder? Why didn’t he just turn Tarn down? Their deaths are all his fault, he’s no better than the DJD for what he’s done. He deserves to be executed. (< imagining/emulating Pharma’s thoughts.)}

Apologize for the tangent again. But onward: In short, we know Drift still hates himself for his past, and he repented and was redeemed, the whole bit - who is to say that Pharma cannot also go through the same, just through the power of medicine?

And also Ratchet treating Pharma like the absolute worst person in history ever while literally being married to an ex-infamous Decepticon aligned serial killer is so hypocritical of him.

And the fact of the matter is that realistically either drift or pharma is the standard for redemption in these comics. and either they both count, or neither of them do.

OKAY THIS IS PROBABLY THE LEAST COHERENT OR ORGANIZED THING - AND ESPECIALLY AS POSSIBLY MY FIRST META (idk if you’d call it that) - I’VE EVER WROTE ON HERE, AND PROBABLY IM NOT AS ACCURATE OR RIGHT AS I THINK BC I HAVENT READ THE COMICS YET BUT MY POINT IS OP HERE IS RIGHT, PHARMA IS ABSOLUTELY TRAGIC. AND IN SHORT I AM HAVING SO MANY THOUGHTS MY HEAD IS PRACTICALLY GOING TO EXPLODE.

and that is why I am deciding to fix the narrative by doing exactly that - putting him in a hospital and on medication. because pharma is tragic, and what he needs is help, and desperately.

Also, Ratchet, Drift, and First Aid, are all great characters, god I love them, but it doesn’t change that they also acted not the best with pharma, and I just think we should think about that more, too.

*holds you tightly by the shoulders until you're bleeding* haha funny joke about pharma's chainsaw hands. but you understand that pharma is actually a really tragic character? you understand that he did not work with the DJD willingly and was forced to harvest organs for them under the threat of the entire delphi outpost getting destroyed if he didnt? you understand that while his "crazy doctor DJD" reputation in the fandom can be funny he actually suffered a lot and it only makes sense he ended up cracking under the pressure and the venomous scrutiny from the people he once called his comrades? you understand that his life was literally just a horrible mess of incredibly unlucky coincidences made worse by his bad decisions, which he was making out of fear and self-preservation instinct? you understand how deeply fucked up ratchet stealing his hands and adaptus possessing his body really was and how extremely damaged he must have been? can anyone hear me? are you going to let me out of here now? i swear i wont lick the electrical outlets again.

[seaquestions]

no but pharma’s hands being cut off and stolen being played off as a joke as if that wouldnt have Big Connotations in-universe is So Much. and after that. his head. is blown off. his head and his hands. does that not remind you of anything Hello??? the fact that he is a forged medic (and the whole forged medics are better because of their hands thing that even ratchet perpetuates) and seems to be from a privileged background. the miners he killed on messatine to get transformation cogs for tarn? (who is himself A Former Empurata victim?!?!?). Most Likely cold-constructed. the fact that he was saved by Tyrest of all people to help the guy in his killswitch scheme–Because He Is Famously Forged–and then right after that is when he gets his head blown off, completing the informal empurata?? empurata being a ritualized punishment used by the authority as a tool of oppression—and pharma having been on the side of the oppressors. who did it to him? drift (cold-constructed) and first aid (who is forged but did it as revenge for ambulon who is cold-constructed). uh. idk man. much to think about. no i dont have enough energy to piece it all together into an actually coherent conclusion but its not like the comic engages with the accidental subtext in pharma’s character either shbfhsndjd. i am just Standing here like this:

[soundwave-superior]

If you're interested to read the disjointed, rambling Ratchet mini analysis I wrote during my lunch break today, then buckle up kids:

Idk if this is canon or fanon but I love the idea that Ratchet, while a fantastic doctor, still struggled in establishing himself post residency bc of his attitude (and his superiors being intimidated by his skill and intellect), and that the reason he was made CMO of the Prime (Nova, I believe) was bc he didn't play politics and Nova wanted an excellent physician who would treat him without ulterior motives. Being the Prime's doctor is a big fucking deal, but Ratchet was still just a medic, he wasn't like... known for all of the things he became known for during the war. Folks knew he was picked bc he was a political nobody, but the general public didnt know how talented he was. Then Orion became a prime and chose Ratchet as his CMO (bc Optimus knew Ratchet wouldn't ever say no to him, as his friend, and he wanted to exploit that), and he was forced to become an Icon, he was supposed to represent all of what a medic could be, he was the miracle worker, the mech with the magic hands, the bot who could rip a mech's spark back from Mortillus himself. He stopped being his own person as soon as he took OP's "offer" to be the Autobot CMO, and thats a bit part of why he held onto the title so fiercely, even after the war was over: he didnt want/couldnt trust anyone else to live the way he did, to fill that impossible role. Least of all his apprentice!! First Aid was more than capable of being the CMO, but Ratchet didnt wanna put that on the kids shoulders. Plus, after 4 million years, Ratchet didnt have an identity outside of being Autobot CMO. He was nothing. A walking miracle worker, the best of the best, but he wasn't Ratchet, he was a walking Symbol that he and Optimus created.

Another reason why he was su1c1dal at the start of MTMTE. The war was over, they didnt need an Autobot CMO anymore, just a CMO to the Prime. And with his hands failing, that Symbol was shattered and he could no longer fill that role. He was nothing without his hands. He couldn't perform the same miracles as he did during the war, when he saved Optimus' spark again and again and again when the mech was barely more than a smudge on the tarmac.

He joined the Lost Light to find someone who would be willing and capable of being a new symbol. Not First Aid, not the kid (despite how insanely talented and ingenius he is), but... someone else. A fool's errand, maybe, but he was going to continue working until he literally couldn't anymore, regardless.

Im just! Thinking a lot about Ratchet and how much the war took from him. Not just the millions of mechs he couldn't save or who died anyway after he fixed them, but what it took from him personally.

and THEN, when he finally found happiness, JRO took one last fucking jab at him by having his body just. Stop. Like, as soon as he finds some inner peace and moves outside of the CMO role with someone who loves him for who he is, after he replaces his failing hands, after seemingly moving past all of the trauma that Pharma caused him, he fucking beefs it. So needless! So hurtful!

it further established for Drift that he's meant to be alone, that anyone close to him will get hurt: he's lost every single person he ever trusted or was close to??? And Ratchet never thought he'd see the end of the war, he acted as a reminder of how fucking hard the war was on old bots. He saw Cybertron in its Golden Age, saw it fall, saw the war through every stage, until it finally ended. He never thought hed make it that far! He survived, by some miracle. Even the LL was supposed to be his swan song, but he found??? Love??? Someone who saw past his gruff exterior and scaled his emotional walls and loved him for the mech he was, not the Infamous Miracle Worker with the magic hands. They both found happiness against all odds and it was ripped away!!! For nothing!! For shock value!!

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 17

and we’re back!

phew I had to take a hiatus to work on other projects but now that those are done I'm baaaack

god I'm SO fucking excited for this arc, I fucking love it 

OH NO TAILGATE...I almost forgot...this poor little dude

REMAIN IN LIGHT BABEYYYYY!!! I fucking love that title, talking heads is probably my favorite band Ever, and that album is one of my favorites, so when I first saw it here I was super excited lol. it’s such a good title, both for the album and for this arc

tailgate goes right to cyclonus ;_; hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

also...I just love the way milne draws cyclonus, he’s the perfect mix of terrifying and handsome, and also goth

ohhhhh I forgot about the framing device used here, with rodimus in jail later on in this arc, narrating retrospectively 

cybercrosis, add that to this list of amusing robo-puns, as a play on (I'm assuming) necrosis, aka tissue death

oof, ratchet saying that tailgate ‘lived a full life,’ which is fucking brutal because we as the readers know that isn't true :( 

tg is right tho, it seems v uncommon for tfs to die of old age. that's some shit luck right there, espec bc tg is basically a baby who was asleep for 6 million years 

ratchet talking abt pharma and looking at his hands...I See That

ratchets bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired hvbhjdsubfjsd jesus dude

and then there's cyclonus, whos also pretty terrible at being tactful

AUGHHHH and then cyclonus, like the emotionally repressed icon he is, goes and claws his own face up in grief rather than express any emotion to tailgate :( I'm in physical pain thanks

rodimus is like, wait...informing my crew about my actions? lmao? uhh what quest...oh yeah we’re on a quest. yeaaaah whatever man

the portal helllllll yessssssss

poor tg drinking away his impending death

oh man, chromedomes weird fucked up skeleton arm

rodimus hhvbhjaudsfbjaskdf he’s like yeahhhh I'm not even gonna pretend to indulge in democracy, we are GOING thru that giant ass space portal whether you fools like it or not

AND THERES THE MFING MOON BABEYYYY!

luna 1!!!!!! they found the missing moon BY ACCIDENT, fucking iconic 

still cant believe rodimus’s office is HOT PINK with a FLAME DECAL around the door. unreal

awww I love percy 

rodimus, in a shocking show of maturity, admits that rung was correct to be harsh with him about the whole overlord thing 

the squad gettin together ayyyy

rodimus reminding us all that this ISNT just a party ship full of frat boys, people have DIED

when you see tg and realize that that was cyclonus’s request ;_; 

aughhh and cyc saying ‘never hope. hope is a lie.’ that kills me man aughhhh

like, cyclonus clearly doesn't want to deal with the emotions he’s feeling over tg dying so he’s trying to make sure that tg accepts death and doesn't hope for a cure, bc that would hurt cyclonus MORE, and he’s already unused to all these ‘emotions’ n shit

I'm sorry but the MARBs just look so fuckin dorky bvhjakbdfhsf beep beep here comes the dweeb squad!!! lmaoooo

cd being like ‘can’t we just drive’ and perceptor is right there like :| LMAOOOO 

also I love cd saying ‘sometimes I wonder why we even have alt modes’ bc I feel like that's such a witty dig at the fact that in this series about robots that transform into cars, we rarely get to seem them actually DO that

its especially interesting when you consider how important functionism is in this story - alt modes are super important in that context, but we still rarely get to see them. hell, we literally NEVER saw megatrons alt mode, which is still crazy to me

ohhhh man I love that panel where the whole moon lights up, that's just amazing

congratulations, rodimus! it’s....a shitton of babies!

also broooo I ufcking love the fact that you barely even notice that rung ALSO hopped down onto the moon at the same time as rodimus...brilliant

god now I need to go find that ‘am i pragnent?’ video lmaooo

why....why did you have to use the word ‘fertilized,’ jro. why....

cold construction lore time!

do I wanna do my big biology speech here? I'm trying to figure out where it would go best...I think ill save it for later in this arc

god I fucking love brainstorm. his entire little speech about how he ‘went to marches’ for cold construction rights and whatnot is so funny with the added context that he’s an MTO and wasn't even around for that

skids, don't just sit in the spooky oil reservoir, alone, after you just went thru a mysterious portal, you should be more genre savvy than that 

what am I saying, this is the guy who wants his memories back even though he’s been told multiple times that it’ll probably traumatize him to death

brainstorm with the 0.1%er spark [eyes emoji]

I love percy just being horrified at the lack of proper scientific conduct from brainstorm like, all the time

I see the cons have their own edgy, weaponed-up version of the MARBs

MINIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love him aughhh I'm so excited for the stuff w/him this arc

also I totally forgot that you’re supposed to see him introduce himself as ‘ambus’ and be like whoa wait is that dominus????? or someone adjacent to him????

skids vs legislators: part 2!

P H A R M A

DR THOT HIMSELF.....back and immediately making a hand pun, with his chainsaw arm displayed in full glory....amazing

cant believe jro named this one ‘the fecund moon,’ which forced me to google what ‘fecund’ means, which led me to go ‘oh good lord jro WHY’ lmao 

I do love that we don't see the ‘part 1 of 5′ til the end - that's a great small reveal that hey, we’re in an arc now!

so there's the end of issue one of remain in light! aughh, I'm so fucking excited for this arc. my first two readthrus this was one of my favorite arcs (my other fav being the time travel arc), and I'm excited to see if its still at the top for me 

I feel like the first time I read thru I like this arc a lot cause I actually understood most of it hbvhadjkfbaksjf unlike all the previous stuff, where I was a bit more confused - at this point I at least had a decent grasp on the characters and relationships, so that helped a lot

also apparently one of the songs of this issue is ‘heaven’ by talking heads which AUghhH that song makes me wanna float in the ocean and look at the stars. idk. also I find it a little ironic that that song isn't off the album remain in light lol

either way I love this issue, strong start to the arc with lots of intrigue and worldbuilding, and clearly some incoming status quo changes...cant wait!!

[elfelt-valentine]

I'm not done sorry

His relationship with Ratchet is just so fascinating to me. We'll never really know what it was like before- but there are good reasons to believe it meant a lot to Pharma, and having Ratchet refuse to understand the position he was in, it hurt him greatly. And like, who can blame Ratchet? No normal person will tolerate such malpractice. But Pharma could've stepped down and accepted his punishment, which he wasn't ready to do - because despite all his actions he did it to keep them safe, something he tried to rationalize in his head as a good thing. But on the other hand he knew its a crime - and he was to cowardly to face the consequences.

What i also just realized is that he actually wanted to get them ALL out. Not just himself, but First Aid, and Ambulon - his plan was to get the facility closed, and quietly, without suspicion, leave it. Maybe, in his head, he was going to show up with a vaccine and become a hero in their eyes. But the plan went to shit cuz Ratchet was there - and he panicked.

"I have a new best friend now."

The wording was always kind of silly to me. Like this whole circus was nothing more but to make Ratchet jealous - of how well Pharma is doing, of having much greater skills, being a better doctor.

He can cure anything. Idk.

He's insane but in a very i want to be better than you and i want you to recognize me for it way. He wants Ratchet to accept Pharma is better. Cuz what happened at Delphi hurt him greatly, cuz what he wanted to do just turned out to backfire like a bitch - and like, OBVIOUSLY it was going to. If not with Ratchet, then later, way later, when he thought it all worked out.

In some way i think him killing Ambulon was also in the heat of the moment, when he really just wanted to make Ratchet hurt. If he really was as unhinged as you'd expect, he would've killed First Aid, too, but he didn't.

He didn't care for his hands, he got his revenge and he left.

PHARMA. AUGHHHGHH

[decepti-geek]

My dumbass Strictly Come Dancing AU masterpost

So Strictly finally featured a dance to Power of Love a while back! which meant that like a fool, I ran away and started earnestly working on a silly idea I’d been sitting on, and this is the result. Heavy on the cygate, with Rodimus and Minimus as accidental breakout stars, a LOT of Postmodern Jukebox music, and a veeeery haphazard work-in-progress playlist.

The point of this is basically to make people who watch the show giggle a bit, I guess, but also! If anyone has any idea of who would judge/host (cause I got nothin’), or even ideas for extra couples, PLEASE drop by my inbox, and ditto a thousand times over if anyone can think of new song/dance style pairings for any of the couples!!! I wanna Talk about this AU okay, it’s silly and fluffy and it’s been giving me joy for months and hopefully it’ll be fun for people who read it too.

Under a cut cause this got L O N G.

A couple of notes: I’m definitely moving musicals week to much earlier in the competition, since musicals are like, a good 25% of my overall music taste, which doesn’t translate well to only having four or so couples left at that point. And a note about who the minibots get paired with - I know actual Strictly tends to match for height, but I feel like in Cybertronian society that could be taken in… a variety of bad ways, not least perpetuating the idea of former disposables or similar only being allowed to dance with other disposables. So I figure with this one, the system’s a little different (also i just want my OTPs to dance together okay).

This is also, admittedly, more drama-filled than actual Strictly appears to the casual viewer, BUT I know the tabloids make much of the show even if I’m not a habitual tabloid reader.

(And I know I have a lot of charlestons in here, shush, it’s my favourite dance).

So! Thus far, the professional dancers/celebs I have outlined are:

Brainstorm - who, honestly, is basically Kevin. He’s willing to push things a bit further than the others with choreography and concepts, and sometimes he does push things a bit too far and they come out kinda weird to the judges (think the charleston to Cantina Band), but still adored by the popular vote. It makes for an interesting combination when he’s matched with serious, dedicated Jack-of-all-limelights Perceptor, who I see as being a bit like a reverse Brian Cox?? He started out well-known in the academic sector, then made it big as, idk, an actor (in the Mads Mikkelsen vein) and maybe a bit of modelling, and now he’s wound up here (I just realised that a lot of my celebs are more famous than the majority on Strictly tend to be, OH WELL).

They clash a LOT in initial rehearsals, but somewhere along the line Perceptor comes round enough to see that no, he did not get paired with the frivolous pro who doesn’t care about winning - Brainstorm just has a unique way of showing his love for his craft.

Also, you know how every year there's like, one lady pro who sprints over and full on leaps at her partner when he's revealed? Yeah, that's Brainstorm.

I’d like to think they make it to the semi-finals. And I desperately want to say that they have a dance to She Blinded Me With Science (cha cha cha maybe?). Kinda also want to steal Kevin's Doctor Who tango idea that he did this year. I think you could squeeze a quickstep out of End Of The World As We Know It, and then they've got two PMJ songs: a charleston to Final Countdown, and a foxtrot to I Believe In A Thing Called Love. ALSO HALLOWEEN JIVE TO TIME WARP I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

Tarn - who is here mostly so I can have him dance the paso doble to Phantom of the Opera with Pharma. These two are both suuuuper committed to the competitive aspect, enough that they’re willing to put aside their initial, rather drastic ideological differences, although the bickering does eventually eat away at their partnership. They get eliminated about midway through (though they do make it to the equivalent of Blackpool), and subsequently have a brief fling followed by a dramatic split that the tabloids eat up every last morsel of.

Other songs I can see them dancing to include a quickstep or American Smooth to Intermission by Scissor Sisters, a charleston to Crazy In Love (same arrangement as Kevin and Louise’s just, y’know, maybe not Harley/Joker themed), and maaaaybe their rumba is PMJ’s version of Toxic, with possibly a tango to Killer by the Hoosiers.

There’s added tension, too, in that - since I’m trying to look at the ‘celebrity’ aspect in the broader way Cybertronians might, as well - Pharma’s own main professional rival is competing this year alongside him.

Said rival being partnered with Drift, who’s been on the team of pro dancers long enough that he’s undergone something of a shift. It used to be that he got the younger, more… shall we say, visually appealing celebrity dancers, and he’d happily choreograph routines that oozed as much danger and/or sex appeal as the producers called for - to the ire of more than one watching conjunx endura. While he might once or twice have encouraged that to go further behind the scenes in his early days, he’s matured the longer he’s been in the business. Following a bit of a new-age spiritual journey between two seasons of the show, Drift has since come to be regarded as a friendly, experienced face for the not-quite-so-young, nervously inexperienced celebs, though the audience hasn’t exactly been quick to forget his past.

The decision to partner him with Ratchet (physician to the rich and powerful; philanthropist; unflappable, no-nonsense, complete and utter grump) is therefore met with some confusion. This was a calculated move on the part of the show’s producers, though - in the early days of Drift’s run with the series, he botched a lift and came down from it with a pretty impressive sprain. Sparing no expense for their most prized dancer at the time, the best of the best was called in to sort him out.

There was a disagreement in the treatment room, concerning the morality of Drift seducing his latest celebrity partner away from her conjunx, and the resulting shouting match passed into legend among the production crew, even if it was somehow prevented from being leaked to the public. The higher-ups are now capitalising on this, as the whole thing is sure to explode in some sort of direction, and they want the ratings boost that will result once it does.

Except… it never explodes. See, that confrontation with Ratchet was the first half of what led Drift to revise his behaviour. He'd started his dancing career young, with a string of agents, managers, what have you at the beginning encouraging him to believe that there's no such thing as bad publicity, and it didn't matter who he hurt along the way. The fact that someone famed for his straightforwardness and his principles - in a famously cutthroat environment - was now calling him up on that behaviour was enough to make Drift begin to question it. Throw in meeting Wing on a hiking holiday a few years down the line, after a shaky year of competitions and an unexpected early elimination from the show, and he's ready to really start bettering himself.

It showed, obviously, but never so much before now, where Drift is actively trying to prove that he took Ratchet’s words on board. Ratchet is… a little freaked out by the intensity of his conviction to do so, but they work through it and develop one of the strongest working relationships of any on the show.

It takes until after the show to become anything more than a working relationship, because they're both rather shy in their own ways, but when it finally does no one's really surprised anymore.

They definitely dance the jive to Bad Case of Loving You, and I'm entertaining the idea of a Halloween salsa to Jump In The Line from Beetlejuice mostly for the staging potential of the moving furniture, especially the rocking chair and all the jokes to be had from that. :D

And after LL 25… they’ve gotta dance to Easter Parade by Emmy the Great, it’s just perfect for them. I think it’d work best as a waltz, with some editing.

There’s also Skids, whose star rapidly rose and then stayed at the top, upon entering the competitive dancing scene. He was a quick study and he's also a decent teacher, so he gets matched with star comedian Swerve, who has veeeery little confidence in his ability. Although it’s not something he entirely gets over, at least enough to get them both more than halfway, it IS something he sticks at after leaving the competition, and he stays in touch with Skids as well.

Nobody’s ever really sure if their regular meetups post-series are dance lessons or ‘dance lessons.’ (Mostly because Skids is very, very skilled at flying under the radar).

And I d e s p e r a t e l y  want to steal Kellie Bright’s dance to Oom Pah Pah for these two, cause a Viennese waltz set in a tavern is perfect for Swerve.

Lug is one half of the inevitable married pro couple, and I weirdly like the idea of her being matched with Windblade? Not really got any ideas for them on the song front, other than maaaaaybe a charleston to Nowadays from Chicago? but I think they’d make it a good way into the proceedings - they seem like they’d get along well, and Windblade’s got a natural grace to her.

Lug’s wife and partner in crime dance is Anode, who has a similarly capable celebrity student, in celebrated scientist and author Nautica. Unfortunately, these two don’t quite get off on the best foot, and a lot of initial promise becomes a flash in the pan that quickly falls apart. Their routines and skill are still pretty memorable (barring the one bad week that ruined things), even if they don’t make it as far.

They charleston to Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines because cmon. Nautica’s an engineer and Anode is a literal biplane.

Perhaps surprisingly, I’m chucking Whirl in here as a professional, too - a new hire for this year, viewed by the producers as a bit of a risk - paired up with renowned psychologist and amnesiac deity Rung. The idea I’m running with is that for Whirl, the dancing is basically an outlet post-empurata. It lets him exhaust himself physically and mentally, as long as he completely throws himself into it (and boy does he ever)... so that he can blunt the edge of the hurt he’s still got bottled up. And before he found this outlet, he had a chequered past to say the least, which the media capitalises on immediately, plunging the new guy into the spotlight. The new guy adamantly refuses to be a sob story, or the subject of inspiration porn, and smashes more than one camera to illustrate this point, so all the attention ends up veering towards the negative as a result.

Rung, though - Rung can see, more than anything, that Whirl still needs help, no matter how adamant he might be that he’s found his own balance. Rung’s in this to learn and have fun - and for his faults, Whirl is a decent teacher - but he can never ignore when he sees someone hurting. At first, the most he does is quietly stand up to any stray reporters who come hassling (with the patented I’m-not-mad-I’m-just-disappointed approach), but they do eventually develop a firm friendship, once Whirl realises he’s actually got someone on his side for once.

Rung himself is in a Bad position to do anything more, given that even the three weeks of initial training was time enough to develop something of a bond; so instead, he quietly slips Whirl the number of a younger associate: someone who, he assures Whirl, is coming from a place of experience - not all professional, but personal, too. It takes a while, because well, it’s Whirl, but there comes a point where he approaches Rung looking a little awkward, and thanks him - Krok’s been a great help.

As for the actual competition, Rung’s forgettability and Whirl’s new reputation work against them and they leave fairly early; but every subsequent week sees Rung in the audience to watch Whirl in the group numbers. They take absolutely aaaaaaaages after that to get their shit together, but by the time the next year rolls around, Rung’s position as audience support is official and constant, thanks to his ‘dating one of the pros’ status.

So far, I’ve only got two songs for them: a charleston to Caravan Palace’s cover of Black Betty, and a Viennese waltz to the Waltz of the Hours from Coppelia.

There’s also Jazz, who’s something of a legend even among the pros, mostly for his seeming ability to match up to even the very greatest of pressures. It’s something that’s seen him through to multiple finals over the years, and this year should be no exception…

… Were it not for the slight snag in that Mirage, a Towers noble, is our That One Celebrity; who the public perceive to have had just a bit too much prior dance experience for the competition to be entirely fair. And he’s Jazz’s partner.

I see Mirage being picked on particularly because the Towers upbringing probably does involve some kind of formal dance training. So these two are really, really good, but that unfortunately means they’re just a bit too good for what’s supposed to be a half-amateur contest. A low public vote and a bad dance-off sees them eliminated just shy of the semi-final.

I really can’t explain why, but I’m fixated on the idea of their charleston being a Halloween one, to Remains of the Day from Corpse Bride, and they could have maybe a quickstep (??) to Oh My My by Summer Kennedy (thanks Clara!). They also have the dubious honour of being the only couple I've found a samba song for: another PMJ one, which is Such Great Heights. (I Dislike sambas in general cause they seem so tricky and clunky most of the time, but if anyone can pull one off it’s these two).

And then, Primus love him, there’s Soundwave, who is possibly more experienced, talented and capable than any other pro in the competition, past or present (though Jazz, despite being his usual partner, would dispute that).

Which, of course, means he gets signed up to coach the complete and utter duds. Shockwave was never really going to get far in this, being a former Senator of questionable popularity, and, as Whirl would put it, the token empurata victim. That's all before the fact that he's just… really crap at dancing. Soundwave does his best, but he doesn't exactly have much to work with, and they're eliminated second week. As poor Soundwave has sadly become a bit accustomed to over the years.

In a similar boat for the first time this year is Knock Out - which, at least at first, he is none too pleased about. The guy he gets matched with is technically an athlete - but endurance and strength have never exactly been the mainstream focus of Cybertronian sport, even if they're what Breakdown has in spades.

He also has plenty of enthusiasm and a very earnest desire to try, that Knock Out can't help but be charmed by, even if it's not enough to get them more than about four weeks in. I think it'd be really sweet if these two had an American Smooth to Wouldn't It Be Lovely from My Fair Lady.

Someone who's had a mostly-friendly rivalry with Knock Out while they've both been on the show is Rodimus, who's in that same flashy, pretty vein along with Drift (his professional partner, incidentally), but who's been willing basically from the get-go to take on whoever he needs to season by season.

In short, he's a bit of a wild card, and this year he's been handed the younger (and less famous) of the Ambus brothers. The problem in this particular case is Minimus’ chronic, painful stage fright. Dominus, in his misguided wisdom, thought trial by fire would be good for him, and laid on the peer pressure until Mims agreed, but he is very much a fish out of water at first, and it shows.

The thing is, though - most of his mistakes are a result of nerves, rather than lack of talent. The judges do comment on his natural poise during the traditional ballroom numbers, and for all that Roddy acts dumb, he's shrewd enough to work gradually on bringing Minimus out of his shell, often taking advantage of Mims’ intense focus during rehearsals.

Because he might be shaky on the performance front, but Minimus Ambus has never been known for shoddiness in his work, and doesn’t plan to start now. And Roddy uses that to his advantage - he’ll sneak in extra moves mid-week, while they’re running through a routine, and Minimus will be stood there at the end of it, having just managed something he was obviously capable of, but never would’ve imagined he could be.

A few weeks in, and he’s thriving.

Dance-wise, I'd say definitely a jive to Don’t Stop Me Now, and I like the idea of them having Rebel Rebel for their paso. I want them to make it to the final just so Rodimus can choreograph a showdance to Dare (because try as I might, I just Cannot make it fit one of the usual dance styles. Roddy’s probably had it saved up as the song he WILL showdance to in his first final). I'm thinking as well, an American Smooth to Grace Kelly by Mika cause it honestly fits them really nicely, AND Lost Coastlines could work as a quickstep song I reckon, so let's give it to the first and second in command of the LL! Idk if I Do Adore by Mindy Gledhill has quite the right tempo for a foxtrot, but I think even if it needs a bit of tweaking it’d be really nice. And another potentially really random one, but: charleston to You Give A Little Love from Bugsy Malone (for musicals week?).

Also, they totally cha cha (or maybe salsa?) to Does Your Mother Know, specifically the Christine Baranski version (and they do the Leg Thing from the scene in the movie, you know the one).

As coincidence would have it, Minimus’ own brother-in-law is also a celebrity contestant this year! Rewind has gone from Ambus arm candy to acclaimed filmmaker/journalist in his own right, and for his stint on Strictly he's been paired up with Chromedome. This guy has managed to get himself the nickname ‘Unlucky’, on account that he's fallen in love and subsequently into relationships with not one but three of his previous celebrity partners. There was never any cheating or anything otherwise untoward involved, but things always seemed to end within a year, leaving Chromedome heartbroken and never really up to his best in the show following each breakup. This should have been one such year - after Pivot - except that his new partner is so very sharp and exuberant and just plain magnetic that poor Domey finds himself drawn in regardless.

And I say poor Domey, because as mentioned above, Dominus Ambus is alive and kicking, not to mention in the audience every weekend.

Things get even more complicated when Rewind realises he’s also kinda interested in his new partner - possibly responding to Chromedome’s own feelings, no matter how hard he tries to hide them. They attract more than their fair share of judgemental social media comments, both as a result of things the tabloids dig up and from people speculating that they have a little too much chemistry on the dancefloor. Eyes are also, obviously, on Dominus each week, and he seems oddly impassive about the whole thing - but then, he always has been very guarded about his private affairs. It’s generally assumed that things will come to a head between him and Rewind soon enough, though.

Songs include a salsa to Faster by Matt Nathanson and - is it too on the nose for them to waltz to Memory during musicals week? I also want their charleston to be the PMJ cover of Chasing Pavements.

And this is soooooooooo cheesy, but I really want their rumba to be Unfaithful by Rihanna. THAT one gets a load of media attention, and it's the week following that they bow out instead of allowing the usual elimination process to go ahead.

The twist comes a couple of weeks later, after the media storm has died down; it gets stirred right back up again the moment a photo surfaces of Rewind and Dominus leaving a screening of Rewind’s latest hit… each of them holding one of Chromedome’s hands.

Some say that the reason Chromedome’s partners tended to leave him (until now) has something to do with his continued association/professional partnership with Prowl: a very old flame, but more importantly, a one-mech embodiment of the Strictly Curse.

This guy is a mess, and he gets everywhere: as well as Chromedome, it’s rumoured he was involved with Jazz at one point, and then there’s the assorted flings with his celebrity partners, including the two-year period where he made his way through both members of the same band who signed up for the show in succession... as well as the other four who didn’t.

He’s scary good technically though, and more than a little merciless, so no matter his reputation he usually manages to push his partners quite far into the competition. This year’s offering is scientist Tarantulas, who’s another bit of token representation, for the beastformers this time (my imaginary Cybertronian broadcasting network is apparently not the most progressive).

There’s no polite way to put this: I imagine they’re at each other almost immediately. Both very sharp, and driven, and inventive, and what begins as a glorious meeting of minds in initial training, ends in a quest for the nearest store cupboard. It’s not the most stable of arrangements - sure, Tarantulas is utterly smitten with Prowl’s vision and determination, but Prowl often struggles reining him in and getting him to knuckle down, and tends to resort to leaning a bit too heavily on the personal side of their relationship to get what he wants.  As with Ratchet and Drift, everyone’s on tenterhooks waiting for things to blow up, but somehow they actually reach the final. How long they’ll last beyond that is anyone’s guess.  

These guys have quite a few songs already. Paso to Poison by Alice Cooper (for Halloween week no less, it begins with Prowl trussed up on a giant fake web, and Tarantulas descending from the ceiling in fine accordance with Strictly tradition), jive to Jailhouse Rock, and their rumba is the PMJ cover of Blank Space, it's a Prowl song, fight me.

Also I'd like to think they could manage, like, a foxtrot to Viva La Vida but don't quote me on that. I also like the idea of a tango to Control by Halsey? And they don't have a musicals song yet so now I wanna chuck in a waltz to Sibella from Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder since that's my current obsession.

Elsewhere we have one of the younger dancers, who's been actively mentored by Prowl and has a not-so-friendly rivalry with Rodimus… Getaway!!! (Professional partner: Skids).

He actually goes out in the first week, bless him, through no fault of his own, as for some reason the producers saw fit to match him with Thunderclash. Predictably, this was an unmitigated disaster, and for the PR team it's even more of a problem, as one of the biggest names of this season has been kicked off before the show’s had a chance to begin - apparently, the routine was so bad that even Thunderclash’s fame wasn't enough to save him. For Getaway, it means that he's now hanging around at a bit of a loose end, since he still has to be there for the group numbers. Which gives him plenty of time to cause problems for…

Last but by no conceivable means least, Tailgate! When he joins the professional troupe he seems quite naive and childish, to the point that he’s not exactly taken seriously at first (for anyone who watches the show, think how AJ and his partners get a lot of high school/teen romance themed dances despite him being in his 20s).

THEN in this current series, who should come along but an unlikely celebrity entrant who Tailgate just so happens to be a MASSIVE fan of. Cyclonus is a singer of a… somewhat acquired taste, who’s been talked into this by his agent and is frankly dreading the latin dancing but can manage a tolerable waltz from the get-go. Being the aforementioned huge fan, Tailgate sweet-talks and pulls a few strings behind the scenes to get paired up with someone other than his usual ‘youngest celeb in the competition’.

As is the format of the show, Cyclonus doesn’t find out who his partner is until the ��introduction’ episode; he’d been hoping for someone experienced and dependable, like Soundwave, so when he finds out the result he has misgivings to say the least. Tailgate by contrast is over the moon (that his scheme worked), and it definitely shows. That nets Cyclonus a bit of negative attention right out of the gate - he’s here looking all stoic and uptight and serious while Tailgate’s practically bouncing with joy, and words like ‘ungrateful’ and ‘stuck up’ get floated around social media a lot. (Although his painfully awkward expressions do become a bit of an ongoing meme).

(The expressions thing is also a problem during performances cause like, the whole serious, intense semi-glare works perfectly for a tango or a paso, but that shit will not fly in a waltz or a cha cha, and boy do the judges let him know it).

Tailgate, for his part, is a little surprised to discover how very reticent Cyclonus is, even in rehearsals. He’s dedicated enough to learning the routines, and quite adept at the performance aspect mostly thanks to his already strong connection to music, but trying to get even a word of small talk out of him is like trying to get blood from a stone. Tailgate takes it in his stride though, and chatters enough for two people to compensate.

It doesn’t take him long to suss out that Cyclonus isn’t entirely happy to be here, and he responds to that in a similar way, scheduling in little things to do together in their breaks and taking care at first not to push Cyclonus too far outside his comfort zone choreography-wise. He also, slightly misguidedly, tries to encourage the idea of them hanging out with his own professional partner… said partner, unfortunately, being Whirl, who manages to get right up Cyclonus’ nose.

(Those two have more success hitting it off when Cyclonus walks outside on a break, only to witness Whirl tearing the latest loitering photographer a new one. From there, it’s a weird kind of forged-in-strife bond, as they realise they’re about the only two people in these studios who actively flee media attention when it appears).

(Cyclonus has found some kind of storeroom that he uses as a bolt-hole in the event of said unwanted attention; Whirl absolutely sniffs said bolt-hole out, and proceeds to mercilessly bug him on his breaks).

Obviously, Cyclonus can’t fail to be touched by Tailgate’s efforts, and his easy kindness - though again, obviously, he’d never admit it. And thus begins the saga of the judges’ glowing comments, week by week, on Cyclonus’ performance skills (despite the face) and the evident chemistry they have while they’re dancing… only for Cyclonus to clam right the fuck up the moment the music stops. The way he acts during the rehearsal segments says a lot, though, even if he barely speaks during them.

Basically, they’re the couple where my mum would be watching them shrewdly each week, nodding and going “He’s head over heels, look.” and we, her dense af family, would reply “You what???”

So this whole thing continues to (very) slowly gather momentum for several weeks until.... Enter Getaway!! Who is salty that not only was he eliminated so very quickly, but also that literally all of the press attention went to Thunderclash, leaving him hanging around completely uselessly until next year. He decides to worm his way back into the limelight by stirring up some Drama, and sets his sights on poor Tailgate as his target.

What he doesn’t expect, however (and neither does Cyclonus really) is that his meddling almost pushes Cyclonus to quit the competition altogether - not feeling like he deserves or has anything to offer to Tailgate, but also unwilling to stay and watch all this bullshit unfold, especially now that the media’s caught wind of it. Unfortunately, Cyclonus’ misgivings get into the rumour mill somehow, and by the time Tailgate hears about them, his partner has apparently already handed in his notice. He then drops Getaway like a hot potato and goes running off to quit himself (because really, these two are both disasters), and it’s up to Whirl to drag Cyclonus out of the storeroom where he’s been brooding and get these two to actually talk, goddammit!

Aaaaaaand once that’s sorted, they’re still terribly awkward about pretty much everything. But! They’re getting there!!! By the time they reach the semi-final they’re the centre of plenty of gossip, though there’s no proof of anything yet as Whirl is being fucking militant about keeping non-show cameras away from their studio. It’s in the week following that someone finally gets a photo of them: on a break, sat outside, Cyclonus kissing Tailgate’s hands.

Dances! Cha cha to Power Of Love, obviously, since that's what kicked this whole thing off. (Am I a terrible person if they jive to Only The Good Die Young?) Then there's a charleston to Boyfriend by Lou Bega, a salsa to I Want You Back, and a rumba to the PMJ version of Jolene, all choreographed post-Getaway.

And I am VERY excited because I've realised they could waltz to Love Like You. They'd also have a Viennese waltz to No One Else from Great Comet in musicals week, and I like the idea of a tango to Devil’s Backbone, and a paso to Coat of Arms by Jonathan Thulin. And possibly an Argentine tango to La Llrona, if it was arranged the way it is in Coco (“Alas, Llrona in sky blue”, I have to, guys. I have to) .

ALSO I'm going to cheat and say that Power Of Love is just one of their regular week dances, since it isn't just from a movie, as I also want a foxtrot to Beauty and the Beast because a) it’s perfect for them and b) mandatory A Day Or Forever reference.

They make it to the final, and showdance to Shrike by Hozier. AND because I am the creator of this au and My Word Is God, I’m hereby declaring that they end up as the winners. So there. :p

And congrats to anyone who actually made it this far!!!! As I said above, please send me ideas for songs, judges, anything, really! :D