#idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy

[bunnihearted]

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[ileftherbackhome]

So, the archer is like the perfect song to describe the autistic experience of unmasking for the first time imo. And that's basically what I'm going to write about in this post so here we go.

The first verse starting off with challenging herself on her desires, because of the effect that media has on her, is such an autistic coded line to me personally. "Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that but what if I do?" Just perfectly describes how difficult it can be as an undiagnosed autistic person to figure out what aspects of your personality are real and which parts are for show.

Pairing that with "cruelty wins in the movies, ive got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you" is such a great line to further my autistic analysis of this song because like idk this is just autism to me. Or rather, this is what it feels like to learn that I'm autistic and revisit my entire memory bank with this knowledge trying to figure out what I actually desire out of life. The admission here that you take your cues from movies can also be seen as an autistic admission of masking through popular media.

I know for me, once I started dating my current partner, I really had to unlearn a lot of unrealistic expectations I developed through watching TV as a child. Now that I know I'm autistic, I can see how those movie ideals affected the way I interact and behave. I also think that the tension here between what she says and what her thoughts are reveal a disconnect of not knowing who you truly are because you've been masking for so long that your entire personality is just what appeals to the broadest group of strangers.

Then we get into the core fear running throughout the song, "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" Is such a HEARTBREAKING lyric. Like there are so many ways you can talk about this lyric but if you're viewing it through an autistic lens, this lyric really gets to the heart of the brokenness that many undiagnosed autistic adults feel.

You've crafted such an artifical version of yourself that is appealing to people that they're initially attracted to you, but the cost of keeping that mask up gets unrealistic and once it starts to slip and you should people your "true" colors, you start losing them. They can't stay, once they see who you really are.

I've felt this way my entire life, like I'm just an awful self-centered human being who is unlovable and fakes things for attention, and my compulsive lying as a kid was proof of that instead of proof that I was trying so hard to present an acceptable mask without even knowing that's what I was doing.

Then we get the second verse, where she explains why she feels like nobody could stay with her and she points to her desire to "search for your dark side," even if she's alright being in the present moment with people. She can't help but feel like people who are "too" nice are hiding something from her, which can be seen as another autistic feeling because so many of us do this esp undiagnosed adults!!

We don't value people who don't seem to want anything from us because it feels "too good to be true," and then she says "I cut off my nose just to spite my face and hate my reflection for years and years." This is another thing that undiagnosed autistic people can do, there is high comorbidity between autism and EDs for example. Like, she is saying here that she's so unhappy with herself that she punishes herself with her ED and this makes her feel like a bad person who "deserves to be alone." I think that this is something a lot of autistic people can relate to, in particular.

Then we get "I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost" which is something my autism has actually done to me before. Like, I've gone to bed anxious and that anxiety just compounds in my sleep until I wake up and pace through my house until I calm down. I'm not saying she's doing it cause she's autistic, but I am saying that my autistic ass relates to this lyric in this particular way. Especially this idea of walking up feeling like the room is on fire with invisible smoke, and the way that she repeats "help me hold onto you," which is such an honest admission of needing help to see the truth.

Like, the anxiety here and the desire she feels to not let it ruin her relationship to the point where she is asking her partner "help me hold onto you," because she knows she can't do it on her own because her thoughts are too dark to let her see the reality of their situation at times like this.

And then we get the most autistic part of the song to me, the bridge where she basically repeats the sentiment "they see right through me, I see right through me, do you see right through me?" This to me is like the epitome of the masked autistic experience. This is how I felt my entire life, this is how I looked for a connection my entire life, wanting someone to see who I am but dreading it at the same time because you don't want to be rejected for things you can't change about yourself.

Oh and then the part about "all the kings men couldn't put me together again" is how it feels to realize that you've been using sex and male approval to soothe the fear that you have that you're unlovable and then pairing it with "all of my enemies started out friends" is such a raw admission of feeling like you're the problem all the time, because you've made all your friends hate you.

The archer just hits all the fears I had as an undiagnosed autistic person and it transports me back to a time where I still felt that way and I didn't know that I'm actually pretty fucking normal and not broken at all and that's why even though I adore the song, it hurts way too much to stream consistently for me.

[theprodigypenguin]

4 and or 7 with Jeddy

I don’t think this turned out very well, my writing is less than ideal when I’m as stressed out and anxious as I’ve been, but I really got excited when I read the fourth prompt. I actually want to write this into a full fic, but idk. Writing quick drabbles like this helps, and it was fun to explore single dad Teddy with his babies. And I really, really love his babies QwQ so writing about them always makes me really happy. I hope you enjoy this, even if it’s not super perfect.

4. teacher/single parent au

He was shy, sat in the back of the class, and seemed to do everything he could to avoid attention. At recess he sat on a bench and watched the other children play, kicking his feet and hugging a book to his chest that seemed years above his reading level.

After years of studying child psychology while working towards becoming a teacher, James had prepared himself to deal with the shy kids. The five year old wasn’t as shy when James talked to him alone. In fact he had an advanced vocabulary and incredible comprehension for what was happening around him. He excelled at schoolwork and could hold long conversations with James. Around other children, however, he became incredibly shy and withdrawn, and shyness around children his own age was a concern.

“Do you know anything about the Lupin family?” James was pouring sugar into a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge.

The school nurse, Scorpius Malfoy, was standing beside him with his own cup of coffee. “Not much,” he answered. “The youngest is in your class, right?”

“Dorian,” James gave a slow nod. “He’s shy.”

“His older brother isn’t,” Scorpius chuckled. “Remus. He’s two years older, always getting dragged to my office after falling off a swing or jumping off the monkey bars. He’s very vocal, very cheerful. Their father is a single parent.”

“Single parent household, that explains a bit,” James leaned against the counter. “Did their mother die?”

“I forgot you only started working here last year,” Scorpius hummed. “No, they divorced a few years ago. Remy didn’t seem very affected by it. I got the sense the mother wasn’t very present in their lives, but you’d have to ask their father.”

“Maybe I should,” James murmured. “I’ll try and stop him when he comes to pick the boys up. What does he do for a living again?”

“He’s a cop, actually,” Scorpius revealed, “but I don’t know much about him.”

“Guess I’ll figure that out, too. I’ve never met him before, so this should be interesting.”

Scorpius took a quiet sip of his coffee, reaching out to pat James on the shoulder as he headed for the door. “He’s a nice guy, I think you’re gonna like him. Knowing you.”

“What’s that mean?” James inquired, but Scorpius just smiled as he left the room.

James kept an eye on Dorian throughout the day. He was as quiet as usual, and unlike the rest of his class, he didn’t appear troubled by the fact the pouring rain was keeping them from going outside for recess. He stayed sitting in his seat coloring something as the rest of the class played with blocks and tucked themselves into their individual groups.

After ensuring the children weren’t getting into anything, James walked over to Dorian and looked down at what he was coloring. It was quite good for a five year old, and had a lot of color. James crouched down, keeping one hand on the back of Dorian’s seat and smiling at him.

“What are you coloring?”

“My daddy,” Dorian answered, and James tilted his head curiously as the five year old colored in the man’s hair with a blue crayon.

“Does your daddy have blue hair?”

“Sometimes. Other times it’s brown.”

“Brown like yours?” James asked. He took a moment to look at Dorian’s hair. It was light, pale and ashy brown. The highlight in his hair was almost golden blonde.

Dorian gave a jerky nod. “But more brown like Remy’s.”

“Remy is your brother?” James smiled. Dorian nodded again.

“He’s old.”

James laughed, looking at Dorian’s drawing. There were a few sheets of paper with drawings. Some of his father, some of his brother, drawings of houses, cars, even dragons. James couldn’t help but notice there were no women in his drawings. There were no pictures of his mother.

“Can I ask you something, Dorian?” James asked, and Dorian gave a nod without looking up. “Do you remember your mum?”

Dorian nodded again. “She was pretty,” he said, and James furrowed his brow.

“Do you see your mum often?”

Dorian picked up an orange crayon and started coloring a flower. “Mum works.”

“Your daddy works too, doesn’t he?” James asked, and Dorian shrugged.

“The man in the black cloak said she can only see us sometimes.”

James frowned. So during the divorce a judge ruled that Dorian’s father had full custody and his mother only had visiting rights. Something must have happened to warrant that.

“Dorian, would it be alright if I talked to your daddy?”

Dorian nodded. “Daddy is nice. He picks Remy and me up after school every day.”

“That’s very attentive of him. He must be a great father.”

“Mhm.”

“Will I be able to meet him today?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you very much,” James said, getting to his feet. “I’ll let you finish your picture.”

“Thank you.”

James smiled down at the polite boy before walking back to his desk. It was still pouring outside when the final bell rang, so the children waited in the classroom for their parents. An older boy with dark brown hair barreled into the room, and somehow James knew this was Dorian’s brother, Remus.

He ran right over to where Dorian was sitting, dragging a chair over to sit with him and taking one of the crayons and a blank piece of paper. James smiled. It was always heartwarming to see siblings so close. It wasn’t surprising if the brothers came from a single parent household. Remus must have come in to wait with Dorian until their father came to pick him up.

If he was a cop, it wasn’t a surprise that he was the last parent to pick his kids up, forty minutes after the bell. James had never met him before, but Edward Lupin was not what he’d expected. Tall, over six feet, with brown hair similar to Dorian’s nix the blonde highlights. His eyes were a unique coloring, blue-green and violet. He wore stylish street clothing, black jeans with boots, and a white button down dress shirt with a black trench coat that fell down to his knees. There were piercings in his ears and a tattoo on his neck. He was stupidly attractive, and James forgot how to speak for a moment.

He continued to stare at him as a smile broke over his face, looking at the back of the classroom towards his sons.

Remus was the first to notice him, jumping up and running to the front. “Daddy!”

“Hey Rem,” he crouched down to meet the boy, scooping him into his arms before raising back up. “Have a good day?”

“Uh-huh! We got a new book, and we’re supposed to write about it after reading it! Also we got to stay inside, and I almost broke a window!”

James turned his head to stifle his laughter as Mr. Lupin hummed. “Well, that sure is something. Did you break it?”

“No, the ball was made of foam.”

“Ah. You weren’t trying to break the window on purpose by any chance, were you?”

Remus whispered his response. “We wanted to play in the puddles but Miss Abbott wouldn’t let us so the boys in my class elected me president and we tried to escape.”

“Well, that’s interesting.”

James cleared his throat as he stood up, smiling when the other man looked over at him. “Sorry, we haven’t met yet. I’m James Potter, I’m Dorian’s teacher.”

“Right.” The man set Remus back down and walked over to the desk, reaching out to shake James’ hand. “Edward Lupin, call me Teddy.”

“Teddy,” James smiled, nodding. “Um, would it be alright if we talked?”

Teddy looked startled for a moment. “Yeah, of course.” He sat down in the chair in front of James’ desk. “This is about Dorian?”

“Yes,” James said with a sigh, looking towards the back of the room where the brothers were sitting. “Dorian is an incredibly bright child. He’s smart, but he isn’t very social around the other kids.”

Teddy folded his arms with a nod. “He’s shy around people he doesn’t know.”

“Which is normal for children,” James quickly agreed. “I’m sorry if this is out of line, I’m just concerned for my students.”

“It’s fine, I understand,” Teddy rubbed his shoulder.

“Has Dorian always been shy?”

“Yeah,” Teddy answered. “I encourage him to talk to kids his own age, and his brother helps, but Dorian is an anxious kid.”

“One of my coworkers mentioned you divorced a few years ago?” Teddy nodded, staring down. “How old was Dorian?”

“Two.” Teddy lifted his head. “I don’t think he remembers it. I don’t know, maybe that’s why he’s so shy; because he didn’t get the maternal love he needed.”

“A child can grow perfectly fine without a mother if they get the right attention from family and friends,” James argued. “Remus seems to be your average energetic eight year old. Some people are introverts, some are extroverts. Dorian is just an introvert.”

“I know, but I can’t imagine her not being there helps.”

James couldn’t help feeling empathetic. “Why did you divorce? If I can ask?”

Teddy cleared his throat, looking at the window. “My ex wife didn’t seem to care much about our sons,” he explained, tapping his fingers against his arm. “Or our marriage. Don’t get the wrong idea, I think at one time she did want to marry me. She said yes when I asked after all. She never said she didn’t want kids, never said she was unhappy.”

“But?”

“After Dorian was born she started spending a lot of time out of the house,” Teddy said. “Came home late every night, claimed it was for work. I’m a detective, I know when someone’s being unfaithful. The fact she thought she could lie to me,” he laughed, shaking his head.

James pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry.”

“Tried to keep us together, but a man can only take so much. I was a single father long before we got divorced.”

“So she wasn’t around at all for Dorian, from the day he was born onward.”

“Pretty much.”

“I’m sorry,” James said softly. “If it means anything, you’ve done an incredible job without her. Your children seem very well rounded, and like I said before Dorian is incredibly bright.”

Teddy nodded. “I’ve tried to be as present and involved in their lives as possible. Being a father and a mother.”

“Does your ex wife have visiting rights?”

Teddy scoffed. “Yes, but she rarely uses them. The kids see her once every few months, maybe. She lives in town, but god knows she’s too busy to spend time with her children.”

James could see the strain Teddy was under, how frustrated and angry he was. “Well, she’s not the one who raised them, is she? They’re your children first. She can’t pick and choose when to be a mother. She forfeited those rights when she didn’t fight you for custody.”

Teddy looked surprised. “How did you know she didn’t fight for them?”

“She has visiting rights but never shows up. Doesn’t take a detective to figure it out.”

“That’s fair.”

“I wanted to talk to you because I was concerned about Dorian. I wondered if his homelife was affecting his lack of social interaction, but you seem like a good dad. He’s just introverted and shy, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“He’s not that introverted around people he knows well,” Teddy said. “He’s quiet, but that just means he’s thoughtful.”

“He’s a good kid.”

Teddy was smiling at James. “He talks about you,” he said. “His new teacher. He says you spend a lot of time with him.”

James blushed. “Well every child is different,” he argued. “Since he’s so quiet I just got the feeling he would do well with some extra attention. The other kids do well on their own, but Dorian never speaks up if he has questions, so I ask him one on one just so I know he understands the lesson.”

“Not a lot of teachers take the time to do that,” Teddy said, watching James thoughtfully, and James shrugged.

“I’m just trying to make a difference.”

Teddy smiled. “You’re certainly making a difference in my son’s life.” James was too flustered to reply until Teddy spoke again. “How long have you been teaching?”

“This is my second year,” James answered. “I spent a few extra years in Uni studying psychology, took this job right when I graduated.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-five,” James answered, arching an eyebrow. “You?”

“Thirty-one.”

“You had Remus early then.”

“I married their mother when I was twenty. She was my childhood sweetheart, we dated through school. Relationships like that statistically don’t last long.”

“What did she do?”

“Beautician,” Teddy answered. James furrowed his brow, wrinkling his nose.

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”

“No kidding.”

“And you’re a detective?”

“Yeah,” Teddy smiled wistfully. “I’m more of a nine to five desk worker now, though. The hours are better for the kids. I get to work after school starts and get off when the day here ends. It gives me more time to be a father.”

“You prioritized your children above your career,” James smiled, and Teddy gave a tight smile, nodding.

“They needed me.”

“You’re a good dad,” James said, and Teddy smiled at him.

“You’ve said that about four times,” he revealed, and James’ face started to burn.

“Did I?”

Teddy laughed, “It’s fine. I worry sometimes, so it’s nice to hear I’m doing okay. Especially since I’m on my own.”

“You’d never know it,” James said. He smiled when Remus came up to the desk, clinging to Teddy’s coat.

“Daddy I’m hungry.”

“It is snack time, isn’t it?” Teddy asked, smiling at James. “Unless there’s anything else you needed to talk to me about?”

“No, I’m done.” James waved his hands. “The children are hungry.”

“Thank you.” Teddy stood up, stroking a hand through Remy’s hair and looking towards the back of the classroom. “Dori, ready to go?”

Dorian opened his bag and stuffed all his paper and crayons into it before closing it and scurrying over to the front of the room, barreling into Remy. Remus took his bag, but Dorian kept a firm grip on a piece of paper. It was partly crumpled in his fist, and he kept it close as Teddy picked him up to prop against his hip.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Dorian,” James said with a smile. Dorian held out the paper, and James curiously took it from him. “Is this for me?”

Dorian nodded, lying his head on Teddy’s shoulder, snuggling against him. Teddy rubbed a hand up and down Dorian’s back, looking down at Teddy.

“It’s raining, put your coat on.”

Remus pulled his coat out of his backpack with a dramatic flair before yanking it on. He then pulled out Dorian’s coat, handing it up to Teddy so he could coax the five year old into it. James smiled as Teddy pulled the hood onto Dorian’s head so all James could see was one of his dark blue eyes.

“It was nice to speak with you; nice to meet you.” Teddy reached out with his left hand, and James shook it.

He smiled more when Dorian held his hand out next, reaching up to shake his hand too. “Yeah, anytime. You’ve got a brilliant boy here.”

“Yes I do,” Teddy grinned. He started for the door but paused, looking back at James. “Hey, uh… maybe we can talk again later.”

James was startled, but nodded. “Yeah, absolutely.” He looked down at his desk and sifted through his papers. “If you want to schedule a parent-teacher conference, I can find my schedule-”

“Actually,” James looked back at Teddy, who had a smile on his face. “I was thinking something… less official. Do you drink coffee?”

James felt like he might pass out, blushing and flustered. “Coffee, yeah, I drink coffee. Do you drink coffee?”

“I prefer tea, but I’ll drink coffee if it’s made right,” Teddy answered. “I know a good place, a few blocks from my place. We could meet there.”

“Absolutely.” James waved at Teddy. “My cell number should be on the syllabus I sent home with Dorian on the first day of school. You can text me the name of the cafe and a time to meet.”

“Great. It’s a date then.” Teddy grinned, and James nodded jerkily as Teddy reached out to take Remy’s hand and they left the room.

It took James a drawn moment to fully comprehend the man had asked him out on a date, and his face burned hotter as he sat down. He felt a little taken aback, very embarrassed, and a little suspicious. He certainly hoped there was a chance Teddy was bisexual when he walked in, because he was insanely hot; and a cop, which was even hotter. Plus he was single, and the kids were just a bonus. James loved kids.

Teddy asked him out first, which meant he was interested in James like James was interested in him. How lucky could he get?

He uncrumpled the picture Dorian had given him, and his heart seized in his chest. It was a colored picture of four people. Scribbled above each of them was a name. Daddy, Remy, Me, Mr. Potter.

James figured that was a silent sign that Dorian already accepted James. That would make things a lot easier if James ended up dating Teddy. Which was a silly thought considering they’d just met. Still, James wouldn’t be against dating Teddy.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and set it on the desk in front of him, eagerly anticipating Teddy’s text. His head lifted when he heard a knock on the door. Scorpius was standing there, holding a file under his arm and smiling at James.

“So you met Teddy?”

“Yes,” James answered, staring at Scorpius, who offered him a knowing smile.

“Did you ask him out?”

James blushed furiously, bristling. “No, I did not!”

“Well, did he ask you out?”

“What makes you think either of us asked the other out?!”

“Well at the very least he asked you out. He’s had his eyes on you since Dorian started school here.”

“He what?” James felt more flustered than before.

Scorpius snorted. “He saw you on the first day of class when he came to pick the boys up. Wouldn’t stop asking me about you. For the past few months he’s been asking me about you.”

“Wait, do you know him?” James asked, and Scorpius gave him a crooked smile.

“Ted’s my cousin.”

James gaped at him. “You left that out intentionally?”

“Well, I thought it’d be more entertaining this way.” He backed out of the room. “Have a good night, James. I’ll be looking forward to my cousin calling me tonight all flustered asking me how to text you.”

James waited for him to shut the door before dropping his face onto the desk with a groan. He’d been single for way too long. The schoolboy excitement was absurd, but could he be blamed? Teddy was hot and his kids were precious. One meeting and James was lost already.

send me a ship and a number and i’ll write a short fic

[thepeakyfckingblinders]

Dēlīrĭum || Arthur Shelby x reader

⤠ MASTERLIST⤟

Anon requested: “Yay I love prompts! Okay; Arthur Shelby & number 16 from that beautiful list of yours. Happy writing! :D”  ♡

Summary:  n.16 from my prompt list: “Another’s hands on her skin” (Finn being my precious little baby, Thomas being both a caring “big” brother and an unbeatable bitch, as usual) Warnings: swearing, heavy drinking, cocaine use, mention of PTSD, angst, Arthur being softer than cotton candy

Author’s notes:

I just reached 168 followers, yay! I know it may not seem like much, but I’m shamelessly happy right know, thank you so much babes ♡

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m letting you down, idk, I just can’t help but think that you’re not happy with my latest works; so, please, if  what I think is true, tell me what’s worng and what’s right about my writing, take a minute to send me a message, I need actual feedbacks to understand how to improve my skills and grow ♡

If you want, take a look at this:  ↠ Contāgĭo↞

I’m sorry for being this late, but I’ve been really busy in the past days and writing is never just easy, it demands concentration and effort, plus I don’t want you to be disappointed, so I’m always extra accurate while working. I hope this is worth the wait!

Probably, this piece is angsty, I don’t know why it came out this way, maybe because I’ve been very low in the past days, so I’m sorry if this is not what you expected. Anyway, let me know what you think about it ♡ 

I’m Italian, English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for every possible mistake I made. Also, please, help me improve my writing by telling me if there’s something wrong

ENJOY!

Dēlīrĭum [dēlīrĭum], delirii  neutral noun II declension 

1. delirium, frenzy 2. madness, lunacy, folly 3. rage, wrath, ire 4. unbridled desire, fierce passion

That familiar dense fluid inexorably dropped out of the crystal bottleneck, its dark stream harmonically danced, giving birth to an indefinite number of small whirlpools, before steadily falling into the compact glass held in Arthur’s trembling hand.  His gaze followed the whole process with noxious attention, those few moments stretched out in his blue eyes, till it seemed like it took an eternity for the whisky to brim over his cup, and, during that distorted time, he somehow managed to find some numb peace, alienating his haunted mind from the thundering world around him. Nevertheless, when even the last drop run its course, that usual asphyxiating chaos, along with his compulsive thoughts, returned to fill his ears, destructively afflicting his brain again. That had been a long rough night at the Garrison, and finally, nearly at the crack of dawn, he was allowed to seek a little solace by sitting alone at the table in their private room and downing his umpteenth glass of liquor, yet no relief came for him as he couldn’t help but think about his only excruciating obsession: you. Your mother had always been Polly’s closest friend, for which reason you practically grew up around the Shelbys, easily becoming part of their family since you truly loved all of them like your own siblings, and they just felt the same way about you; however, it turned out to be even easier for you to mercilessly steal the callous heart of their oldest brother. Indeed, Arthur had been madly in love with you for as long as he could remember, what irreparably bound him to you was such a strong feeling, that the cruel war itself hadn’t been able to weaken it, not in the slightest; still, after all those years, he couldn’t find the guts to come clean about his incommensurable affection for you. Actually, the mere thought of telling you the truth terrified him: every time he looked in the mirror, he only saw a rude, pathetic man unworthy of a wonderful, sweet creature like you, he knew he could never give you what you really deserved, he knew he just was not enough, and he definitely hated the idea of making you unhappy by forcing you to remain stuck with such a wreck for the rest of your life. Anyway, during that long time, he had learnt how to cope with his difficult feelings, he had gradually become able to hide them, eventually finding a way to stay by your side without going crazy; but that night, when you entered the pub holding hands with an unknown bloke, when he noticed the way you smiled while looking into his brown eyes, every single piece of his frail soul fell apart all over again, leaving him devastated and close to a new mental breakdown. Once more, his chest seemed to unnaturally collapse under the weight of that terrible realization, pain radiating through his whole body as he tried to get rid of that dreadful sensation by slightly shaking his head. Yet, nothing changed, everything in that moment felt just like a flashback of the war, the booze together with that deep sorrow were dangerously tricking his mind, leading him to hear inaudible noises and sense inconsistent hands strangling him almost to death. Still partially aware of what was going on in his brains, and eager to break free from those mental chains, he inconsiderately took from his pocket the small blue ampoule Finn had given him, pouring its deadly white content on the table and hastily cutting it, before he could inhale the Tokyo with such violence that, soon after, blood started to fall from his left nostril. Arthur stood there for a while, in religious silence, with his wide eyes turned at the ceiling in a mute prayer to that God who had apparently forgotten about him long before that day, nevertheless he prayed for the world to stop wildly spinning around him, and when nothing happened, again, he couldn’t hold back his deleterious ire anymore. Before he had the chance to realize what he was doing, he found himself rabidly throwing the massive wooden table against the closed door, along with its four chairs and several empty bottles, his palms now covered in blood and wounded by uncountable glass shards. In the meanwhile, the main salon of the Garrison was occupied only by Finn and Isaiah, busy playing cards and drinking beer, excited to be finally allowed to stay up late at night, yet, as soon as that loud crash reached his ears, Finn dropped everything without a second thought and, utterly immersed in a blind panic, he promptly run towards the blinders private space, for his mind was already picturing the worst possible scenario. The youngest Shelby used all his strength, he kept kicking the barred door and ramming into it, until he knocked it off the hinges and barged into the room right away, finding Arthur alone in the middle of the place, crimson drops rolling down his fingers and a disoriented look on his tormented face. “Jesus Christ, Arthur! What happened? Are you okay?” Anxious breaths left the boy’s lips as he swiftly approached his brother, paying attention to avoid that mess made of sharp splinters and jagged pieces of wood, he meticulously checked that no serious harm had occurred and soon sighed with pure relief, still, when he tried to fraternally place a hand on Arthur’s arm, an impetuous shove threw him against the opposite wall. “Go away, Finn! Get the fucking out of here!” Still dazed due to the violent collision, Finn simply looked at him for a brief moment, he was beside himself, foaming at the mouth as he took dangerous steps in his direction, thus the young man managed to get back on his feet as fast as he could and escape that room without a backward glance. Anyway, he didn’t get to walk past the doorstep, because his face unexpectedly came in contact with Tommy’s chest; apparently, the middle brother had abandoned his accounting ledgers, alarmed by those same loud noises. “You’re the only one who can do something, I-I tried to help him, I tried! But he wouldn’t let me, p-please...” Tom lovingly gave him a pat on the shoulder, bringing his restless rambling to an end and flashing him a sympathetic smile, before he gently smacked his freckled cheek two times as a sign of gratification. “It’s all right, kid. You did good, go home now, eh? I’m taking care of this” Finn nodded keeping his eyes down as he rejoined Isaiah in order to leave the pub, Thomas, instead, just leaned against the doorframe and calmly lit a cigarette, while his sceptical gaze remained on Arthur who, on the other hand, keeled over the floor with both his hands covering his face. “Would you mind explaining what the bloody hell is going on?” Tommy’s stoic tone didn’t change a shade as he greedily sucked down the bleak smoke and watched his sibling squirm on the ground, screaming out all of his frustration. “It’s y/n, Tommy! It’s always been her” His voice cracked for a few moments, overwhelmed by a cry bereft of tears. “I-I can’t bear to see another’s bloody hands on her skin, Tommy, I just can’t. This... she is- she is driving me insane, brother!” Arthur’s fists collided multiple times with his own face as he continued to desperately alternate heavy sobs and gruesome wailings, until Thomas reached for him, roughly lifting him up by harpooning his jacket collar, he managed to get him to stand up, more determined than ever to put some sense back into his dizzy head.

“Hey!” His hoarse voice raised and he buried the fingers of his right hand in his brother’s cheeks, so that the strong grip on his face obliged Arthur to look into Tom’s stern icy eyes as they brutally delved into his tormented conscience.  “You are Arthur fucking Shelby! If you want something, you fucking take it, because you fucking can!” Those words left Tommy’s mouth in a proper roar, still they were not enough to fix that tragic situation, in fact, a couple of seconds later, Arthur reacted to that sudden assault and violently pushed him away, before going back to cover his face with his palms, in attempt to shut down all the demons riddling his mind. “She doesn’t love me! Don’t you get it? She never will, goddamn, look at me!”

A loud husky laugh echoed through the room, leading Arthur to raise his head, glancing at Thomas in disbelief. “Are you laughing? You ‘fucking laughing at me?!” Before Arthur could physically attack him, Tommy stopped his laughter and cleared his throat, it was impressive how, in a single instant, he was always able to get his usual severe expression back. “Yeah, I’m laughing, Arthur. I am, because y/n’s been dying for you since the bloody first grade, that girl’s been trying to get your attention in every possible way”  Tom’s index finger menacingly pointed at his brother’s chest while he kept shouting in his confused face “And she started dating that cunt since she was sure you would’ve never fancied her, ‘cause she’s fucking blind, just as you are! You damn idiots!”

Arthur’s blue eyes unrealistically widened in shock as his bran processed that absurd load of information, he started frenetically walking up and down the room, diving his fingers in his long hair in order to relax a bit.

“She is... Is s-she... Oh my fucking God! I need to see her, w-where is she, Tommy? Did she leave with that prick? I swear I’ll cut his hands off if he dares touch her...” The influence of cocaine on his brain was made clear by his frantic delirium, he kept bouncing from one place to another with a look halfway between enthusiastic and frightened, so that Thomas had to stop him by slightly poking the sweaty back of his neck in order to have his attention again. “She’s at Polly’s with Ada. They’re probably drunk, but so are you, now just go and take what’s yours, for God’s sake!”

@namelesslosers, @shadow-of-wonder

[anarcoqueer1994]

"Please...Please Don't Go."

This is chapter one of a story I wrote back in the hiatus, so it was a costume day fix it story. Mild angst. Also future chapters are a bit sadder but there is a happy ending.

Cyrus always tried to be rational. Yea, he could be anxious at times but he always had been pretty well adjusted, being able to work through his feelings and helping others do the same. But today, actually more accurately, this past week, he has not felt very rational at all. That’s how he ended up sitting alone on the benches facing the basketball court in the park. It was here that he had met TJ just before planning to do somersault together for costume day. He wishes that knew then that TJ would let him down less than 48 hours later.

He wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to be here, as it was close to midnight. He, Cyrus Goodman, the same boy who would usually be terrified of breaking his parent’s rules, had snuck out of his dad and stepmom’s house and made his way to the park. I guess, even now, TJ had a way of making him more daring, more willing to break the rules; dance with danger, even if the motivation was not the same as before. Before, Cyrus had felt brave because TJ was with him. No one or no thing could touch him as long as TJ was there by his side. Now TJ was once again his motivation to do something he wouldn’t of before, but more as a way of escape.

Cyrus had been cooped up all weekend in his room. It was Sunday night and the weight of his thoughts were restricting him, making him feel claustrophobic. His room felt like it was pressurized, ready to collapse around him at any moment. He tried to ignore his thoughts but just couldn’t. So when he heard his parents go to bed, he slipped out the backdoor and headed down to the park. The small town was eerily quiet, give or take the miscellaneous car driving by.

As he approached the entrance of the park, he contemplated heading towards the swings, but decided against it. The swings had become a happy place for Cyrus, where he could come to feel better. He doubted that it would have the same effect now. So he settled on the benches by the basketball court. It was the perfect place to let his thoughts run wild. It helped keep him angry, helped to remind him that TJ let him down. He wanted to be angry because if not, he knew he would give in and run back to TJ. He would let the boy convince him that they could be friends again. But Cyrus did not want to be friends again. He doesn’t think his heart can handle it.

They were only friends and Cyrus had accepted that his crush would be unrequited. People have crushes on their friends all the time and honestly, how many of those work out? He was happy just being friends because it wouldn’t be fair to push his feelings on the other boy. But lately he had started to notice little hints of maybe something more from TJ. He wasn’t blind, he noticed when TJ would smile at him like he was the only one that mattered. He noticed when they would walk so close together that their hands brushed. He saw how happy he was for his friend when he finally did a somersault. And of course, he noticed the look on TJ’s face when he said “You’re the only person I can talk to like this.” His stomach filled with butterflies when he looked up at the taller boy that day. But now in retrospect, he realizes that he read way too into things.

Honestly, he doesn’t even know why he was so upset. It is not like he didn’t almost do the same thing. Andi had been relying on him to be in her costume. In fact is it weren’t for TJ ditching him to do a costume with Kira, he would of readily dashed Andi’s Mount Rushmore dreams. Jonah had backed out last minute, and though he would have felt bad, Cyrus would have let her costume go to waste. He would have abandoned one of his best friends so he could be the salt to TJ’s summer. So wasn’t he as bad as TJ? Does he have the right to want to be angry? Does he have the right to feel hurt? 

After all, Andi was able to forgive him when he reached out to her. She knew that he almost ditched her for TJ. He technically never even texted her. But she had been so understanding and kind to him when he talked to her about it. She was a little annoyed at first, but she knew how much Cyrus liked TJ. She remembered the previous year, when she went out of her way to be around Jonah when she had a crush on him, sometimes even making a fool out of herself. So she understood what Cyrus was feeling about TJ. The two friends were able to fix things. Why couldn’t he do that with TJ? Maybe TJ would be able to explain and they could fix things too. Was it fair to block him out like this? Was he a hypocrite?

Objectively he knew he should give TJ a chance, maybe he should text him back. Things can be fixed. He just did not want to fix them he realized. He had decided that. Being vulnerable around TJ hirt him too much. But why then was he staring at the blank screen of his phone trying not to cry. He had turned it off when he left the house.  He had to, or he knew he would find himself staring at the texts the other boy had sent though out the week.

Cyrus I’m sorry for not texting or calling about the costume change.

Are we cool?

Come on, please respond.

Let me explain, please.

Cyrus, please...I’m worried about you.

Please...

At least let me know you are okay.

 I pulled a TJ and ruined our friendship didn't I? You don't want to tall to me anymore?

You have been avoiding me at school all week. Come on Underdog, you haven’t even ate lunch with your friends, like idk where you are eating at but its not in the cafeteria. Are you really that mad at me that we can even be in the same room?

Do you hate me?

It was that last text that almost broke Cyrus. He had gotten it about an hour before he snuck out. He knew that if kept focusing on his phone that he would reply despite himself. No, he didn't hate TJ. He could never hate TJ. Part of him felt terrible that TJ felt that way. Why does this boy have this effect on him. Even when he had a crush on Jonah, he never this hurt by him being an oblivious straight boy. So why did being rejected by TJ hurt so much more?

TJ obviously liked Kira in the same way that Cyrus liked TJ. And why shouldn't he? She was a pretty girl who ALSO was great at basketball. She was perfect for him. Cyrus almost ditched his best friend to do a costume with his crush, so why did it matter that TJ did the same? He ditched his best friend, i.e. Cyrus, to do a costume with Kira. But it is cool his crush wanted to do something with him. He really should feel good for his friend but he doesn’t.

These are the thoughts that have filling his head almost constantly the past few days. He knows he wants to stay mad but another part of him wants to forgive TJ. But he just can’t! Maybe it is because he knows in his heart that this actually isn’t the same as with whay he almost did to Andi. With Andi, he at least talked to Buffy, who found him a replacement. He did not know Jonah was going to pull out last minute, but at least Cyrus had a replacement. He had been so excited to do the costume with TJ. He knew his friends would understand. Somersault was their thing and his friends knew it. He was genuinely happy at the thought of spending the day the day at TJ’s side, sharing their inside joke. They would be in their own special world made for only them to exist in together.

He keeps going back to that conversation from that day at the park. He keeps picturing the look on TJ’s face when he told Cyrus about his costume idea. He literally was smiling ear to ear. Cyrus doesn’t remember ever seeing a smile so beautiful in his life. In that moment, it felt like he was the only thing that mattered to TJ. Which if he is being honest, felt nice. TJ seemed as excited as Cyrus to do their group costume.

As Cyrus thought more about it, he realized that was why he was the most upset. TJ led him to believe he wanted to do this together. With Andi, Cyrus never shared the same excitement for Mount Rushmore. But TJ seemed so excited to do a costume with Cyrus. He got his hopes up, just to dash them. He left him standing in front of the school looking pathetic. What he couldn’t figure out though, is why TJ looked so unhappy when he showed up with Kira. Did he truly just feel bad for letting his friend down so he could do a costume he liked more? Cyrus figured maybe he was just ashamed that he would rather do a costume with Kira, the girl he knew didn’t like Buffy, and by extension any of her friends, then with Cyrus.

An hour passed as he sat and ran through his thoughts. He kept replaying his interactions with TJ. He kept thinking about how good being with TJ used to make him feel. He kept beating himself up about falling for another straight guy. His thoughts seem to fill the air and make everything around him feel heavier. Suddenly a voice broke through the deafening silence and pulled Cyrus from his thoughts.

“Cyrus!”

The voice was close and familiar. It was TJ. He was coming up behind him. What was he doing at the park in the middle of the night? Cyrus felt his head spinning. He could not face TJ right now. He did not want to look at those beautiful green eyes that could make him melt. He stood up, slipped his phone in his pocket, and tried to get away from the benches. TJ called out again.

“Cyrus, wait. Please…please don’t go.”

His voice sounded so desperate. It sounded broken and hurt. Cyrus has never heard TJ sound so small. It broke his heart all over again to hear him like that. It shouldn't. He shouldn't feel bad but he does. He couldn’t control his body as he froze in place. He felt a warm tear roll down his cheek. He let the other boy make his way in front of him. Cyrus stared at his feet as TJ stood in front of him. He did not want TJ to see him crying but could not find the strength to move away from him. TJ’s voice was broken as he spoke. Obviously Cyrus had not been the only one crying tonight.

“What are you doing out here so late?”

Cyrus quietly replied “I can ask you the same thing…”

“I was…looking for you. Your dad called. He said you weren’t in your room and wanted to know if you were with me. He called Buffy, Jonah, Andi, and my sister, too. Your parents are really worried about you…you weren’t even answering your phone.”

Cyrus guiltily thought about his turned off phone in his pocket. He didn’t think his parents would have noticed him gone. He felt bad for making them worry. But why was TJ here? Surely his parents didn’t ask a bunch of kids to go look for him in the middle of the night. He was pretty sure all four of his parents were driving around looking for him. He keeps staring at the ground as he tries to will himself not to cry in front of the other boy.

“That still doesn’t explain why you are here…”

“I was worried about you…so I kind of snuck out to look for you too. Amber is covering for me. Don’t worry, I did not tell your parents where I thought you may be. I figured I would check the park since you usually go to the swings. When I did not see you there, I started looked around and found you here.”

“You did not have to that, as you can see I’m fine. No need to worry, you can go home.”

“You don’t look fine…” TJ quietly noted. His voice was sad, tinged with hints of guilt as he spoke. “I’ve been so worried about you, you have been avoiding me at school, you haven’t been to the swings since last Friday, and you’ve ignored all my texts and calls…”

With the taller boy's questioning, every wall holding Cyrus together began to crumble. He looks up at TJ with a mix of anger and hurt in his eyes. Tears left streaks down his face as he let lose everything he has been feeling. TJ’s words triggered something inside him. Cyrus normally has never been one to lose his temper and yell in anger, but nothing is normal about this situation.

“You didn’t seem that worried about me on costume day! Do you know how humiliated I felt?! Did you care about how bad I felt walking around knowing that someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends stood me up without even a call or text?! I bet you didn’t!” Cyrus’ words came out like venom, paralyzing the other boy with every word. He continues. “You know, I don’t care if you have a crush on Kira and wanted to do a costume with her when she offered, even if it was a stupid costume. Double dribble? Really? But that’s not the point. You can do whatever you want. But a text would have been nice. I would have understood. But you didn’t bother because... because... you don’t really care about me.”

Cyrus’ harsh words cut the other boy deep. When he looked at TJ's face, Cyrus suddenly regretted his outburst. Even though TJ hurt him, he never wanted to hurt TJ. He tries to speak but the words that so easily flew so easily across his teeth moments ago were not caught in his throat. Cyrus swears he saw a tear form in TJ’s sad eyes, but it was almost as quickly wiped away. For the first time he noticed that TJ’s hair didn’t have the usual gel in it so strands of hair fell over his forehead. Cyrus couldn’t help thinking that he looked even more beautiful like that. The two boys stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. The air was heavier than ever. It was TJ who finally broke the silence. His voice was uncertain as he said

“Do you really think I don’t care about you…because that is just not true. I care about you more than you can possibly know…”

Cyrus’s voice was just as shaky as he replied “Then why didn’t you tell me you wanted to do a costume with Kira?”

TJ broke eye contact and he looked to the ground. “I didn’t want to do a costume with her…I had to…”

“TJ, wait what do you mean? TJ, look me…” The brown eyed boy begged. The taller boy moves his eyes up from the dark slab of concrete to meet Cyrus’ eyes. “TJ, what do you mean you had to?” Like a reflex, Cyrus reaches across to put his hand on TJ’s forearm as it hangs down to the side. He can hear TJ’s breathe catch in his throat like he was touched by fire. The older boy starts to speak.

“She got into my head, you know? I told her twice that I was good with our costume, and that I did not want to do a costume with her. But then she made it seem weird that I would rather do a costume with you rather than her.”

“Why would it be weird? You just met her and we've been friends for almost a year?” Cyrus isn’t getting it. He scrunches his eyebrows together as he continues to stare.

“She made it seem like it was weird to do a two person costume with another boy….instead of a girl, you know what I mean.”

Cyrus pulls hand back from TJ’s arm. He suddenly is self conscious of his own body movements. He does not want to make TJ feel uncomfortable. “Oh...I get it.”

TJ tries to not let it show that he already misses the feeling of Cyrus’ hand on his arm. He instinctively moves his other hand to the spot on his forearm where Cyrus has just left vacant.

Meanwhile, Cyrus ignores his own disappointment that TJ is definitely not gay. He was just another straight boy worried about looking like he was queer. He continues to speak. His voice is soft and understanding. “I’m sorry she made you feel like that.  But TJ, if you know it is not true, then it does not matter what she says.” Cyrus gives a soft smile. “Besides you are the captain of the basketball team, you are so popular. Who would actually read into the costume like she did. She is just trying to be hurtful…”

“Cyrus, you don’t understand. Kira ...she is right...I… I do like guys in the way I am supposed to like girls. I got scared, so scared that she knew, and that everyone would know if we did a costume together. Everyone would figure out what is wrong with me and then what if they started making up rumors about you too? Like it is one thing for people to try and make fun of me but I don’t think I could handle them hurting you. But now I’m the one that hurt you. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry for being this way. ” His voice sounded weak, it was full of shame and guilt. It almost sounded alien. He was rambling and now the tears could not be stopped. This was a boy who was so afraid and hurting, and Cyrus could see that.

Without thinking, Cyrus reached up and wiped away a tear from TJ’s face. He lets his hand linger momentarily against TJ’s cheek as he steps closer. He was waiting for TJ to pull away from his touch but he doesn’t. When he finally drops his hand, and stares into TJ’s green eyes that look almost glassy from the crying. He is still the most beautiful thing Cyrus has ever laid eyes on. TJ just came out to him.  It is killing him to know that TJ was dealing with all this alone. He hates that he thinks something is wrong with him, he wants TJ to know he is not alone. He knows what he has to do. He takes a deep breathe.

“Teej, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I told you that before, and I will tell you a million times over if I have to. I will tell you that everyday until you get that. No one has the right to make you feel bad for who you are. Also no one, except you, can decide when it is the right time to come out. Kira does not get to decide when you come out. Just like…” Cyrus pauses, there will be no going back after this.”Just like only I get to decide when I come out.”

This catches TJ off guard, he stares in shock as Cyrus gives him a weak smile. “Wait, are you, um, gay too?” Cyrus only nods his head in response. His face is bright red from blushing. Both boys stand in silence for a moment, not knowing how to proceed. Cyrus makes the first move. He steps even closer to TJ, their bodies impossibly close without actually touching.

“TJ, I also...I also have big crush on a boy…” Cyrus’ face is trying to show confidence but his stomach feels like it is doing twists and turns as his nerves are fighting to get to him. His nervous voice gives him away.

“Oh…” Tj looks down for a brief second to look at Cyrus’ lips before staring back into his big brown eyes. “Do...do I know this person?” From the sounds of it, TJ is as equally as nervous. He can feel his heart pounding out of his chest, mirroring Cyrus’.

“Yeah, you know him. He is tall, with the most gorgeous green eyes. He gets little freckles in the sun. When he doesn’t put gel in his hair, he has the cutest little curl of hair that falls on his forehead. He is great at basketball, and honestly any sport he tries. He makes me feel brave when I want to run and forces me to step out of my comfort zone. And god, every time he talks I want to hold onto every word he says like it is gold. I’ve never met anyone like him and the weirdest part is that he wants to be friends with me.

“That's not weird. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with you? You can light up any room you walk into with a single smile. You are so good to everyone around you, even a scary basketball guy.This guy you like is so lucky to have you in his life. He knows that he would not be the same without you. And I think he likes you too."

With that, Cyrus got a burst of confidence to do something crazy. He cups TJ’s cheek. Their faces are only a few inches apart. Electricity fills the air between them as they stare directly into each others eyes before Cyrus takes a giant leap of faith. He closes his eyes as he closes the gap between their lips. As his lips brush against TJ’s, the world stops around them. Only they exist in this moment. Cyrus pulls back slightly to make sure this is okay. TJ answers the unspoken question by cupping the back of Cyrus’ head and pulls him for a deeper kiss. Its awkward, and clumsy, and all them. Its perfect.

When they finally break away from each other, TJ can’t help but stare like a lovestruck dummy. He could not believe that just happened. Cyrus Goodman kissed him and he kissed Cyrus back. Cyrus gave him his first kiss. More importantly though, Cyrus liked him the same way he likes Cyrus. The only thing he manages to get out of his mouth was a dopey“ I like you, a lot.”

Cyrus lets out a soft laugh and he reaches for TJ’s hand. “I would hope so...because I like you too." Cyrus grabs TJ's hand again. "So wanna be my boyfriend?” He tries to sound cool but he just sounds like a dork.

And TJ loves that about him. “Of course I do, Underdog.” TJ gives him the biggest smile, he was practically glowing. “Just...I’m not ready to come out yet at school or to my parents, is that okay?”

“Honestly, I’m not ready, either. We don’t need others to know that we are together, for us to know that we care for each other. It is our secret for now.” Cyrus smiles. “Now we should be getting back to our houses. I know my parents are worried and I don’t want you to get in trouble with your’s.” TJ nods in agreement.

Soon after that, they make their way to the park entrance, pinkies intertwined as they walk. Before they part ways, Cyrus leans up and kisses the side of TJ’s face. TJ blushes as Cyrus begins to walk away.

“Night, TJ”

“Night Underdog” TJ replies while holding the place on his cheek where Cyrus’ lips just touched. He thinks he is going to like being Cyrus Goodman's boyfriend.

@abg-blah

[jtargaryen18]

I know this isn't one of your usual asks and I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable, but I've been struggling a lot lately with my mental health. I feel absolutely alone and like nobody cares. I have no one to talk to and my insurance no longer covers therapy, so I haven't been there in a while. Do you have any advice? I hate feeling like this, its like there's just a black hole where my emotions are. Idk, sorry.

Hey, there. First, you don’t have anything to apologize for and there’s nothing about mental health issues that are going to make me uncomfortable. I had a schizophrenic parent with violent tendencies and I had no siblings. Not telling you that to make anything about me. Just saying I understand what it’s like to feel overwhelmed, confused, and worse, isolated. When you’re wounded and alone, your own mind can be your worst enemy.

I don’t know your situation or what support you have, but you have yourself and you are not powerless. You are also not alone. If you’re here in our corner of Tumblr, I’ll bet you’re a reader. Maybe even a writer. When you can, find stories that make you happy, revisit favorite books, check out new books. If you write, work on something you’d love to read yourself. What hobbies do you have that you enjoy? Painting, cooking, playing music, knitting, anything. It’s important to keep your mind focused on other things besides the negative self-talk going on in your head. Just because it’s there, and that’s true for ALL of us, doesn’t mean we have to listen to it.

And while we’re talking about writing... One thing that can help when you’re feeling held down by your mind is journaling. Even if it is just pulling out every single thing you’re worried, anxious or down about out of your head and writing it down, it helps. I’ve always felt like it gave me a way to corral everything bad in my head in one place instead of leaving it to run wild in there. It can make you feel like you have a measure of control. Once you figure out ways to control the bad thoughts in there, you figure out how to take back control period. 

At the end of the day, it’s all about managing your thoughts. No, it’s not easy but it can be done and the how is different for each of us. The mind governs your thoughts, your body governs your emotions. So when the negative self-talk in your mind evokes unhappy emotions, you can make yourself physically ill too. That’s why it’s so important.

There are some great videos on dealing with depression, anxiety, negative thoughts out there too and it's free. Lately, I’ve been into Dr. Joe Dispenza. He has several videos on YouTube and what I like most about him is that he scientifically explains the hows and whys. There are a lot of gurus out there with beliefs and rituals and all that. But to have someone break it down in scientific terms is helpful. His videos got me into meditation (I would have rolled my eyes at anyone who suggested that to me five years ago). That works very well for me.

Just remember - you’re not powerless. You have some control here. And you also have positive thoughts which are far more powerful than the negative ones. And any time, you could have a positive thought or idea come along that can transform your life instead of leaving you in the dark. It’s true.

Anyway, I’m glad you reached out to me. I’m not sure how qualified I am to give anyone advice but I do care. HUGS There’s a lot of really great folks on here and I’m glad you’re part of our little corner. I want you to be happy. And I’m here. I’m slow sometimes to get back because of work sometimes. But I will get back to you. 💖💖💖  

[calliecat93]

RvB17 Episode 9 Review: Succession

You know something that's gotten on my last nerve dear readers? Nostalgia banking. What should be a good feeling about seeing something that you once loved and haven't seen in so long has now become a cheap cash0in for the media. It's now just lazy and downright insufferable with the constant reboots and remakes of nostalgic properties, like every Disney thing ever in the past decade. Why am I bringing this up? Because while it's nowhere near as bad as with other things, this season of RvB is very much counting on nostalgia to help win it over, just look at the Freelancer fan-service in Episode 5. It was fan-service that made sense in context in all fairness... but still fan-service. And that is the ONLY excuse as to why we're doing Felix again.

Alright, let's quit with the bitching and get to the reviewing.

Overview

Tucker has gone back to S11, at the moment where they lose half the team tot he Feds at Crash Site Bravo. The problem causing the paradox? Genkins has possessed Lopez Dos.0 and is making it so that the Reds and Blues win. As such, Tucker has to ensure that they lose and recreate the circumstances that lead to one of the worst days of his life. Damn,t hat's harsh bro. But he does it, even taking one of Genkins' attacks at point blank since Genkins still can't harm a shisno. Tucker takes him down, and as such aside from some minor differences, the overall conditions go as they are meant to. Genkins retreats.

The scene cuts to later, where Felix is talking to Tucker about what happened and it's still when he had his good guy facade. Tucker I going along with it... until he starts hearing voices telling him to kill Felix. The voice? Genkins, who jumped into the AI module in Tucker's armor. He tries to convince Tucker to kill Felix before he can betray them... but Tucker refuses. There's already a plan in place, and not even Genkins reminding him that it's Donut's plan deters him. He recalls how, since Chorus, he's tried to act as a leader should... but in reality, he just acted even more like an egotistical battle. But now he realizes that a leader is someone who steps up and does what needs to be done, something that Donut has so far done moreso than anyone else. Realizing that he's failed, Genkins retreats once more.

Tucker goes back to Iris, the agreed meeting point, where Donut already is. Sarge comes back briefly... where Donut informs him that he caused a Paradox, so Sarge goes away to... probably deal with that. This makes Donut concerned that maybe he didn't explain the plan too well... only for Tucker to tell him that he's doing perfectly fine. Donut's touched, though Tucker tells him to quit acting like an angsty bitch, so we can't get too happy feelsy. With that encouragement, Donut jumps to at some point in S7, where he confronts Genkins in The Meta. It is at this point that Donut points out something. Chrovos doesn't give power, she takes it. There is no guarantee whatsoever that she will hold up her end of the bargain with Genkins. Will Genkins really get the ultimate power that he wants? This seems to affect the Trickster God, as he jumps out.

Meanwhile, Wash and Carolina are talking at a cliffside where Carolina again apologizes for her actions in the last season. Wash is still forgiving, even kind of glad that he got to experience a period without brain damage for a little while. Yes my friends, there is still one more paradox that has to be fixed: the last one. The one that began all of this to begin with: Wash being shot. He knows that, in order to save the universe, it has to happen and he seems to have come to terms with it. Carolina is understandably not happy to hear this. She's downright tearful, but in the end, she understands that it has to be. Wash emphasizes that regardless of everything and no matter what happens, he loves Carolina before jumping. Carolina takes a moment to compose herself before she follows.

Back in Chrovos' domain, Genkins returns and Chrovos... she's not unhappy but she's not pleased either. Why? As it turns out not only are no new cracks forming, but all of the previous ones are now disappearing due to the damage being repaired. Only a small amount remains now, and Chrovos wants to know what's going on. Genkins reports about the Shisno being awake, which seems to... make Chrovos throw in the towel. Genkins has utterly failed and since she can't go and do anything herself, it means that soon the paradox will be undone, the Gods will have Genkins pay the price for his betrayal, and the only pleasure that Chrovos will get is it hopefully happening in front of her as she remains prison bound for all of eternity.

Genkins, however, says that he has a plan. He points out how Chrovos used time to bring back Donut and place him somewhere before. If he can do that tot he Reds and Blues, they'll be out of the way and Genkins can cause as many paradoxes as he wants. But he doesn't have the power to do this alone... so he asks Chrovos to give him a portion of her's. Chrovos is reluctant since she doesn't have much left as it is, but Genkins points out that all she has to do once freed is kill and adsorb the Reds and Blues energy, and she'll be restored. Genkins, likely out of desperation, complies and transfers the majority of her remaining power. This causes her to collapse, her armor even changing from black to white. She tells Genkins to hurry... but the Trickster God reveals his true intentions. He's going to go back, put the Reds and Blues out of the way, and weaken the prison... so that he can kill Chrovos and take over with the power that she gave him. Chrovos can only take in her error as Genkins goes back tot he Everwhen.

We cut to Season 15/S16's finale where Wash takes in his final moments before getting shot. He begins to walk forward, the others possessing their Season 16 selves, as Wash tosses aside his own gun and holds his arms out. We hear the sound of a gun go off as the scene cuts to black. But, this is not the end, as when the scene cuts back we see the pullet... frozen. In fact, everyone is frozen. Why? Genkins. He appears and informs the group that he's paused the moment for just a bit as he goes to take care of other matters. The bullet drops to the ground and Genkins bids the Reds and Blues farewell, off now that he has all of the time in the world.

Review

This is definitely better than the previous two episodes. IDK what it was about the last two, but they felt... rather rushed and all over the place. Like they wanted to do some character development stuff, but because they only have so much time they had to condense and squeeze it together and... that really made them a mess compared to the episodes before. But thankfully, this one put us back on track. It was emotional, raised the stakes in a way that I did not see coming, and has one Hell of a monster ending that left me utterly anxious. Compared to 7 and 8, which had good moments but was again very condensed and a Hell of a lot confusing, this one had me hanging on every second.

So... let us return to our nostalgia banking topic. As I said above, it's lazy and a cash-in at this point. Now this being a time travel season, I understand that we'd go back through some nostalgic moments. And again, in all fairness, the fan-service moments with the Freelancers were relevant and actually helped advance the plot without being forced. The Mercs though... while they thankfully didn't overpower the plot, going back to them... honestly had zero relevance in comparison. This is probably just me being salty because I've honestly just gotten sick of the Mercs because of how much they get hyped and such. They... or Fel9ix at least, have completed their roles and I want to move on form them. I want to move on to new stories and plotlines, hence why I want Church and Tex to stay dead too. There's this underlying feeling, to me anyway, that this season is relying on the past to get people into it, not moving forward. Although, last season tried that, and many people hated it, so what do I know?

Speaking of the reception to last year... yeah that is the only reason we have Felix and why we had a focus on Tucker. I feel like this moment was Jason, who wrote the episodes and therefore the Tucker scenes that fans had issues with including the infamous talk with Sister, apologizing for the Tucker 'derailment'. And yes, I put derailment in quotes. I know that some felt like Tucker was OOC in the previous season and to a degree S15. He was egotistical, womanizing, and people felt like it was a regression. There was a LOT of push-back on that, so having Tucker relieve one of his worst moments and have to outright re-create it and realize how much he's messed up as a leader up to now felt nice. It's Tucker not acting in a way that he thinks a leader should, but stepping up and doing what has to be done. It's a nice moment of character development and I really hope that it pleased the Tucker fans.

But... my issue is... I didn't think that Tucker was regressed in the previous seasons. He did step up when he needed to. Maybe not so much in 16, but he absolutely did in 15. He is a womanizing asshole, that part of his character had never been addressed at any point until then and yeah, it was a problem. And it's not like they demonized him, he was supposed to realize how bad he had gotten after Sister's verbal beatdown and when he realized what happened to Wash. Oh, and he has yet to take responsibility for proposing the plan that caused the paradox, to begin with, most of that has been on Carolina which is annoying. Don't get me wrong, it is good to see Tucker realize how he fucked up as a leader and can become better and this was a good moment to have him realize it. But it feels unnecessary to me because his character had been fine and we again have to have a nostalgia moment for it. IDK, it just... annoys me. It's a good moment, but I'm mixed about it for the above reasons.

Okay, let's try and talk positively now. Like Wash and Carolina having a moment Yeah, this was going to come sooner or later. We all knew that for this mess to be fixed, Wash was going to have to be shot. He's come to terms with it, knowing that it has to be for the universe's sake. That doesn't make it any less hard though. Carolina broke time to save Wash. Was it ultimately a bad decision? Yes. But it's understandable why she went that route. She made a mistake, one that she is still apologizing for, and wanted to spare Wash of the pain. Not out of guilt, but because she genuinely sees Wash as family and can't stand him being hurt. Jen Brown's absolutely tearful, heartbroken delivery was so perfectly done. You can feel how hurt Carolina is as she has to accept that her efforts were in vain, and outright made things worst. Wash has to be shot. He has to endure cerebral hypoxia. They can't undo the consequences, they have to live with them.

And you know what? Good. Mind you we still have three episodes to go... but I want Wash to keep the brain damage. Look, it sucks that it happened to him... but in the end, it happened. Brain damage is terrible, but you can keep living with it. Wash is still a strong, capable soldier and he still will be even with cerebral hypoxia. He'll only be broken if he allows himself to be. Will he struggle? Of course. Will he need more help now? That goes without saying. Does that make Wash any less of the character that he was? Hell no. Wash has proven multiple times that he can pull through some terrible shit, including having an AI try to kill itself while inside his head. Wash can, and will, get through this. Now again, we have time still so they could find an alternate solution... but I really, really hope that they stick to Wash being brain damaged. I think that there are plenty of people who can be inspired by him and it can take his character, and everyone else really, into some new directions that could be good. We'll see how it goes, but I do hope that they stick to this.

But of course, if it does happen, we're still going to wait a while. Why? Because Genkins is an asshole. Yeah, I... I did NOT see that moment coming. I guess I should have since Genkins is an absolute shit, but... no, I honestly did not see his betrayal of Chrovos coming. The guy really is the God of Tricks, huh? I almost felt bad for Chrovos... almost. Yeah, she still manipulated and hurt a ton of people with her actions so she's still a bitch who kind of had it coming. But Genkins having her power is far worst since he's just outright chaotic. Who knows what the Hell he's going to do now that he can control all of time and can kill Chrovos himself to have all the power to himself. I do kind of like how this was almost framed as a redemption, what with Donut pointing out the uncertainty of Chovos keeping her word. But nope! Genkins is just as evil, and he essentially killed the queen to take her crown. I hate Genkins with a burning passion... but he is a fantastic villain and I fucking love it.

Final Thoughts

We're three episodes away from the end, and I'm still not sure how this is all going to end. While I am certainly mixed on some of the time travel usage and on Tucker's moment, it was overall well handled. And any misgivings I had about it I can forgive for Wash and Carolina's moment and the Genkins betrayal. It was a great episode filled with emotion and surprise, and I am still coming down from it. Will the final few episodes be able to hold up? We shall see in due time... get it? Time reference? Haha... yeah... yeah, I'll just... end the review now. Tootles!

[bandblogging]

They don't know about us (Calum Hood Imagine Pt. 5)

FUCK ME! (Pt1, Pt2, Pt3, Pt4) Part 6

Pairing : Calum Hood x Reader

Words: 2423

Warning: Swearing and fuck my feelings

Sum. : Calum and you are doing terribly being apart from one another but Ashton makes it his mission to make you two happy again.

A/N: OK so I cried while writing the first part so yeah I am doing great thanks for asking, secondly way more important: I tried something new with including a P.o.v from the Boy's side, idk let me know what you think.

____

"What do you mean I can't stay?", you were furiously walking up and down the empty room. "I can't just move back to Australia! We can practically break up if I have to do that", you pulled at your hair and wanted to scream in annoyance. "Calum for fucks sake say something", you knew that it wasn't his fault or his doing but still it was his management. He was sitting on one of the chairs with his head in his hands. "I don't fucking know either! I don't want you to leave but what am I going to do! I have nothing to say in this.", his head shot up and he looked at you in pain. "Look Y/N I know that this is shit and that it is far from ideal but I swear to you", he got up stopping right in front of you, "I swear this won't break us."

This had been a month ago and for the first three weeks everything was kind of fine. You had left the tour the end of the week moving back to your parent's temporarily, planning on at some point moving into Calum's house in LA. But slowly the contact had been getting less and less, by now you hadn't heard anything from him for over two days. You loved him so much that every time you thought of him your heart broke a little more.

It was late at night and you were ready to go to bed when you decided to call him one last time. In his time zone it should be around nine in the morning and you knew they should not have anything planned. The ringing from the phone made you more anxious the more time passed, and again he didn't answer. It directed you to his voice mail and this time you left a message; 'Calum please! Why won't you answer, what is going on? I can't do it this way, I know that distance can be important sometimes but not this. If it's because of me please tell me what I should change because I will, I swear to you I will do everything I can' Your message got interrupted a few times by you sobbing and choking up. By the end you were in full on tears and when you ended the call you ended up crying yourself to sleep, not the first time in the last month.

___

Calum felt like he had lost the only thing that had kept him going. On stage he felt great, the adrenalin pumping through his veins. But whenever he had finished a call with Y/N he either felt like crying or when he was alone he did. He wanted to please the management to the best of his abilities but he was wearing thin, he spent his days locked up in a room if he didn't have any official things to do. The only other interaction he had were with the boys. They were worried for him, especially Ashton. He was so close to Calum that he feared he would snap or do worse things. The knock on the door didn't make Calum get out of bed but Ashton knew that and opened the door to his bedroom with a spare key he had stolen out of Calum's utility closet, just in case.

They all had a key to the front door to the other's houses and so he was able to enter whenever he wanted. He opened the door and entered slowly. The curtains were drawn close but it was still bright enough to make out the tall figure laying on the bed curled up into a ball. "Cal", Ashton muttered and sat down on the bed next to him. "You can't go on like this", he put his hand on Calum's shoulder. "We need to do something, have you spoken to her yet?", Ashton's voice couldn't sound any calmer, he tried his best to help his friend. Calum shook his head, "It hurts too much to hear her talk, it makes me physically sick to know that she is unhappy, unhappy because of me" Ashton listened closely but got up and pulled the curtains open. Calum squinted and pulled the blanket over his head. "I do get you Cal, I let you sulk in your pain for a while now but I can't take it anymore. Because whenever she calls me I can hear how hurt she is because you are moving further and further away from her.", he had talked to Y/N on the phone a few times and even he found it hard to hear the pain. He walked back over and grabbed Calum's phone, after unlocking it and seeing the voicemail she had left he let it play after saying," I know this will hurt but you can't stay like this". Y/N hadn't even finished her first sentence when Calum was already in tears, his sobs matched up with hers and Ashton felt his heart drop. He knew that Calum was doing bad but not that bad. " I'm going to push you Calum because you won't get through this otherwise.", he patted Calum's shoulder. "You will call her back now, I don't care if you wake her up, you will call her back or you may loose her completely just like you are afraid of." Calum didn't want to give up on Y/N because she was everything he wanted and so even though it was incredibly hard for him he grabbed his phone to call her.

_____

You were ripped from your troubled attempt of sleep when your phone rang. Looking at the caller your stomach flipped and your head was spinning. "Cal?", you voice broke and you felt tears fill your eyes again. "I love you! I am so sorry", his voice was laced with sobs and you almost didn't understand him. "Hey hey hey, calm down. Breath in, breath out! Everything is going to be fine", you didn't feel fine at all but hearing him like that made you feel stronger than before, like you had to be, for him. His breathing slowed down a bit and you tried to calm him down even further. "I need you, I need you here with me! You are the only reason, you are my only reason", he sobbed again and you couldn't help but sing the lyrics silently to yourself.

____

The call took forever and Ashton left the room to talk to the others. When he entered the kitchen that Luke and Michael were sitting in they stood up as soon as they saw Ashton's worried face. "We need to talk to Management now! I'm going to drive there now you can come with me or not. But if we don't act immediately, we will lose him.", he grabbed the keys he had placed on the counter and his phone. Thankfully they were home for the week which meant that they were able to drive to the office that management had in LA in person. Ashton was ready to force them to take back their decision if it meant that Calum would be happy again. The band wasn't the same with him like this.

An hour later Ashton was storming into an office with Luke and Michael right behind him. It took almost another hour and multiple things said that they never imagined they would threaten their management with but in the end they came to an agreement.

When they returned to Calum's they found him sitting in the backyard, a cigarette in his hand staring at the sky. "Calum?", Luke looked at him and stepped a little closer. He turned around to face them, "Ash! Thank you!", he stood up, putting out his cigarette and walking up to Ashton hugging him. "We got even better news", he wrapped his arms around Calum tightly.

____

You had gotten back to bed when the call with Calum ended, you couldn't fall asleep deeply but were rather only drifting in and out of sleep. When your phone rang again you didn't even look at the caller before answering. "Cal?", you asked and rolled onto your stomach. "No it's Ashton", the voice on the other side surprised you and you opened your eyes. "Is everything alright? With him?", the last part you only muttered not being sure if he heard it. "well no but we are able to change that now!"

You turned around and sat up, "What do you mean?" "He is doing absolutely terribly and we, I mean I kind of snapped at our management and we came to an agreement.", you heard Luke and Michael talk in the background. "What kind of agreement?", by now you were fully awake, sure you wouldn't be able to sleep at all this night. "Okay so you will be able to join us on tour again for a few weeks at a time. You will get work and stuff to do but your main kind of job is to keep Calum happy.", when he finished the sentence you had already gotten out of bed. "When?", you put on the light and sat back down. "Kind of immediately if possible"; that was the answer you had hoped for. "I'm going to take the next flight that I can get on", you said goodbye and ended the call. Within the next hour you had your suitcase packed and were scouring the internet for late minute flights. You would drive to the airport soon hoping to get a flight where somebody had canceled last minute. It was still early im the morning but you couldn't wait any longer. You slowly opened the door to your parent's bedroom, waking them up after entering. You explained to them that you had to leave right now, because you were needed there. They didn't really understand, maybe it was because they had just been sleeping but you were sure they would get it at some point.

A few hours later you were sitting at the airport, smiling from ear to ear. You were able to score a ticket for a flight in half an hour. You texted Ashton, ' Does he know or is it a surprise because I will be there tonight!', you didn't mind either way but sure surprising him would maybe make it a bit better. A few moments later you received a text back from Ash, ' It will be a surprise, we will keep him busy until then'

The flight felt unbearably long, you were able to fall asleep a little during the middle but most of the time you sat there waiting for it to end because you were worried about how bad Calum was doing.

When you finally landed you had to resist the urge to text him and to tell him that he would be alright, or maybe that you would be alright. Through all the excitement you had kind of forgotten how bad you were feeling yourself but back in your mind you knew that it would catch up with you later. You texted Ashton telling him you had just landed and that you would be on your way to Calum's house soon. It took forever to get your luggage and when you finally fell into the seat of an uber that was going to take you to your destination you sighed heavily and closed your eyes. Thankfully the driver didn't want to have awkward small talk and you sat in comfortable silence the whole way.

When you got out of the car, you lifted your suitcase out of the back and stood in front of the house you first realised you loved the boy that had always been just your best friend. The lights were all off except for the one in his music room. You searched for the key that Ashton had hidden for you in his front yard. You opened the door as quietly as you could but you heard dog paws on the floor immediately. Duke came running to you barking once but after realising it was you he demanded head scratches. You petted him a little and then made your way down the hallway.

You heard the faint sound of piano when you stepped closer and you stood still only listening to him playing for a while. It was beautifully sad, you couldn't make out if he was singing too or not but you had the feeling that he was working on something really special. When the piano went silent you grabbed the door handle and pushed it down slowly, opening the door without making any noise. You peaked inside and saw Calum sitting on his piano, back turned towards you. He was scribbling on a piece of paper, looking like he was in deep thought. You knocked on the open door and chuckled when he turned around in shock. It took him a moment to realise what was happening and when he did he stood up so quickly that it looked like he was going to fall over while running over to you. You felt his arms wrap around you tightly and you stood there swaying back and forth in the doorway for a few minutes. You felt his tears soak through your shirt and you couldn't help but cry aswell. Your heart was breaking and healing at the same time, seeing him cry made you feel just as bad as you were feeling good finally being back in his arms. "Cal, babe", you loosened the hug a little to look at him better. "We're going to be alright Calum", you wiped away his tears with your thumb and pressed a kiss to his lips. He placed his hands on your jaw and pulled you back into the kiss, he deepened it and you almost felt dizzy.

When the kiss broke he whispered a 'I love you', to you. "But what are you doing here? We are back on tour in two days and you...you can't", he didn't finish his sentence, trying to take deep breaths in order not to cry again. You shook your head, "Ashton and the others well kind of talked to your management and they agreed that you can't stay like this. Soooo my suitcase is packed downstairs ready for the tour bus", you grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes. "You... You will stay?", he waited for you to nod before kissing you again. "You don't know how happy this makes me!"

____

I am so sorry! Also idk if I really fucking like this or if I may have gotten lost somewhere with this. It is not meant to sound like Calum is depended on you for his happiness, but rather you being like a rock for him when it get's hard, you get me? Idfk.

Also I know the flying times and stuff doesn't really match up but for fucks sake it's for story telling

[grimreaper4brokenpromises]

You know how sometimes you want to just get up and leave your life. And start over. Sometimes I just want to leave my boyfriend. Even tho he makes me happy. And I love him. Theres just something in me that doesnt want it. Maybs I want to self destruct right now. But hes comforting and takes the pain of losing my ex boyfriend away.He died from a heroin OD. I dont even know what real love is, sometimes. I think I'm always unhappy. I'm always alone. Its something in myself that I have to fix. But how? I've done so much counseling and drug therapy. Theres something in me missing and it makes me just want to cripple myself and go no where in life. Maybe the piece is a fear I have not faced yet. Maybe it's just things waiting to get accomplished still. That have been waiting there for awhile, ready to get done. Maybe none of this makes any sense. I should be single just to figure myself out. But that's a fear in itself. Alone. Nobody to depend on. More responsibility. I need to do so many things before I do that. Like get my license. So I'm using my bf in a way? But I love him amd he makes me happy. I dont feel right. Is this self doubt? Is it rational. Is it okay only when I want attention. I should get it when I want it or youll regret it but if you give me attention when I dont want it. It makes me want to scream. It feels too much for me. I feel suffocated. Dont hang onto me. I dont want to be touched. It makes me want to act out and get agressive. It makes me anxious. Is it okay that I get to do w.e tf I want but you should bend over backwards for me and listen to what I say. Is that just being controlling or is there something deeper than that. Should you love me so toxic that I could stomp on your heart and you should still love me ... but if you ever did that to me I'd freak out. I want someone to love me like that. I did. But they're dead now. I'm confusing. I contradict myself. It makes sense in my head but to say it out loud to the universe... it seems to want to stay locked inside my head. When I try to explain I forget what I'm saying and I go blank. Nothing makes sense. I dont make sense. Is this even real. Am I real? are my feelings real? Would a relapse be THAT bad. Yes. I dont feel like a person. I dont know what's wrong with me. My brain goes too fast. All the time. I forget. Any conflict. I go blank. A conversation we just had. I'm sorry I cant repeat what we just said. So I can never change. I dont even remeber what I promised I would change. Who am I. Sometimes I like to be mean just to see peoples reaction. I feel guilty later but it's almost amusing. I have a good heart but this part of me is not good. It doesnt make sense. And I do this thing wher when I feel in the wrong I will shut down and be too anxious to fix it. So it leaves the other person to fix it. And when it happens I get a sense of power from it. I want to be so toxic sometimes. On purpose. These lil Spurts of energy and then I get low again. But I get so mitch energy I feel like I'm speeding off my own anxiety or adrenaline idk. My mind goes so fast I cant think straight. I do lil dumb things at work. My mind is every where else. I cant focus what people even say. Bc I disassociate so much. It's like I cant hear them and so instead of asking them what they said I smile. Bc If I ask. I'll be asking them to repeat them selves all day long. Idk if sex fits into all this but the 1st time with somebody I actually get horny. After that. Theres no want. And I will never be the one to initiate sex. Sometimes when I dont get the attention from males its breaks my ego bc I expect everyone to like be in love with me or something. -I wrote this a couple weeks ago and this doesn't even seem like me.

[steveandbucky]

this is the worst fucking contradiction. i love my job. i love helping people. i love doing a good job. i do get a sense of fulfillment because of the nature of the wider organisation (nhs) and the specifics of my job (customer service).

but i get STRESSED bc the way im working isnt RIGHT and i need to be more efficient cos im slow apparently which just sucks bc i do think I do a good job. by my own standards. but it doesn't work for the way things run here. cos we're short on resources and it gets busy and we can't keep patients waiting yeah ok

plus??? when it comes to making mistakes.... my past trauma immediately resurfaces and ruins things. and i try to explain it in a way that makes my boss understand but like I don't wanna divulge my personal history? she's not entitled to that. i just told her im aware and its something that I need to work on in therapy. i can't explain any further why i get upset and anxious (despite knowing im not getting told off for mistakes ... my brain is already panicking bitch! that's all it knew to do for years and years!!!!) she's also like telling me to relax and chill out LMAO I HAVE ANXIETY WHICH PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? am i never gonna be able to work without people telling me how to feel? like wtf. im gonna be upset and then ill get over it. it's not like im SULKING or PUNCHING or something leave me alone honestly.

fine ill keep my words in my head. ill say ok & move on. i wont express anything I'll just say "I'm sorry" and move on. bc apparently trying to explain WHY I did the thing the way I did is bad. trying to say "ah, sorry, i thought I had to ..." is bad. I'll just say ok sorry. that seems to be what they want to hear i guess. who cares to take into consideration that maybe people have special needs? is it a special need when you get some relief from trying to explain why you Did The Thing Wrong? bc maybe they think "oh she's just making excuses instead of holding herself accountable". but why can't I explain why I think I did the thing wrong? it doesn't mean I'm not accepting the fact that I did make a mistake. idk

multiple times a day i come across things im not sure about or don't know anything about and i go and ask about it. she said that i do this wrong as well. well she said she doesn't think I ask for help. i said i do think I do that and then she gave me an example and slowly i understood what she meant. my own efforts, tbh. my own efforts to understand the criticism. i gotta think about this one because I do genuinely believe i ask for help. i ask everyone all the time i must be driving them up the wall surely wtf

im just unhappy because I have to improve or my contract won't be extended past the 2 months and then 1. I'll be out of a job 2. have to explain to my parents why I'm out of a job? again? 3. i highly doubt I'll be given a good reference by the manager so eh. now i gotta stay stressed? right as i was starting to relax and feel confident and feel like I've been doing a good job? yeah that's nice. real nice. ok

i hate work and working so much it's so fucking stressful

[lagomorphlore]

I know I haven’t been on here in a while and idk if anyone follows me anymore, but honestly that’s fine. I really want to just post about my mental health stuff in an organized  and semi-public way. I’m putting this under a “keep reading” break because I’m going to be talking about depression, suicidal ideation, and lots of other stressful topics. So please take care of yourself and don’t read this if it potentially triggering.

xoxo, me

I’m really not doing well lately. Here are the factors contributing to that.

1. Work I work in a professional office, and really hate my job. I’ve also been terrible at this job. I’m really embarrassed because I keep being late to work in the morning, and everyone knows and my boss has talked to me about it several times, but I can’t stop it. I have SO MANY alarms, including ones I have to walk across a room to turn off. But I always seem to wake up late anyway, and not remember walking to turn off the alarms. I feel like everyone judges me for being constantly late. And I’m so embarrassed, and I don’t know how to make it stop! The worst part? I’ve started giving chronic pain as an excuse for my constant absence and lateness. Sometimes I miss a whole day of work because I don’t want to be late. I do have chronic and severe joint pain, but not to the point that it would make me miss work as much as I do. But I don’t know what else to say you know? “I have MASSIVE depression and it is affecting my ability to sleep and wake up and my executive functioning”. Like, I can’t regulate my body enough to be functional at work. By the time I get to work, I’m so anxious and uncomfortable and embarrassed that I don’t actually get work done. I’m a terrible employee. And a liar. 

2. Personal life I live in rural Ohio and have no close friends near me. I go out of my way to avoid social interaction, and I ignore all attempts by my far away friends to reach out and maintain contact with me. I live alone, I’m socially and emotionally isolated. 

3. Financial I’m in some moderate credit card debt. Mostly because I’m eating way too much take out food. I hate cooking. Food doesn’t really taste good to me unless it’s like really sweet or greasy. I’ve gained like 35 pounds in the last year because I refuse to eat anything healthy and only binge eat mega unhealthy stuff. Nothing tastes good to me. I just eat a lot of pizza because it’s easy and it will deliver to my house. But even at this point, pizza doesn’t even taste good. It’s just there.

4. Body image I’ve gained a lot of weight and feel terrible about myself.

5. Executive functioning I can’t make decisions. I can’t do things like clean or shop or groceries. I don’t know how to explain this, but it’s hard to brush my teeth sometimes. 

6. Mental illness I’m not on a medication that’s working for me, and I’m not in therapy. I know my life is really not going well right now, and sometimes thoughts about suicide cross my mind. I don’t feel actively suicidal- I don’t have a plan, I don’t feel out of control and unable to stop myself. But I do think about it. Like “I wonder what it would feel like to jump off that bridge” or “I wonder what it would feel like to hang myself”. But I wouldn’t actually do it. 

I’m thinking about going to the ER for suicidal ideation, but honestly it makes me really anxious and uncomfortable. My younger brother was hospitalized two years ago, and it nearly destroyed my parents. My insurance isn’t great and wouldn’t cover all of it, and it would just add to my anxiety and stress about paying it back.

I feel like I’m not “an emergency enough” to go to the hospital or do inpatient. I feel like if I went, I’d regret it as soon as I get there. 

I’m just like, unhappy, and anxious, and uncomfortable in all areas of my life and it feels like a never ending cycle. The more I miss work and let my personal life go to shit, the worse I feel. The worse I eat, the worse I feel. 

It’s an endless hell cycle merry-go-round and I cannot make it stop!