#idk how I was able to put up with that I’m quite cowardly. I feel proud but damn

[berry-s0da]

I’ll never forget how we got a school shooting threat back on high school and nobody did anything about it because mother fucker was depressed and it would be “discriminatory and intolerant” to not put up with a 20 year old psychopath that terrorized a bunch of 16-17 year olds

[futurewriter2000]

Three Words - pt. 1

A/N: I love this so much and idk why but it hits differently.

XX

Healing. You were healing as you kept stroking the long trunk of the elephant. You caressed its dry skin as he kept nuzzling it closer to you, tapping you gently on the cheeks and causing your hat to fall off. 

You laughed as you tapped his trunk and picked the hat, coming closer to him brushing your hand against his large leg. “You and me had quite the adventures, didn’t we?” you told the elephant as he let out a small sound. You hugged him with your arms that were too small to hug him whole and laid your head on it. 

“You can’t take him with you.” you heard her laugh but you only hugged him tighter. 

“Of course, I can. I’m a witch.” you continued to lay your head on him.

“And where will you put him? Backyard?” she came to his trunk as well and started to pet him. 

“Newt Scamander had his beasts in a suitcase.” you pulled away as she furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Newt who?”

“Nevermind.” you brushed your hand and walked to her, letting your arm wrap around her waist and your head lean on her shoulder. “You think he’ll be okay without us?” 

“Who? Roman?” she tapped his trunk and smiled. “He’ll be fine. It’s you I think that I think won’t be okay without him.” 

“I dealt with Remus and his act a long time ago. All I want is to stay here forever.” 

She moved from your hold and turned around, letting her hand be wrapped around your waist for now, leading you away from the elephant and walking towards home where you had plenty of unpacked bags to finish. 

“We can come back but we were away from home too long. We need to go back to our lives.” 

“Correction. You want to go back to your life. I think this is my life.”

“Taking care of animals?” she asked. “For the rest of your life?”

“They’re the only beings that make the world so innocent-” you said but she cut you off, taking you by the shoulders and looking deep into your eyes. 

“Then stay.” 

“What? I though-”

“I know what I said but if this is what you want, then stay. You’re clearly made for it.”

“I don’t know. I need to go home and figure everything out. I want to be sure that this wasn’t just a getaway- or I don’t know.” you sighed, lowering your head as she wrapped her arms around you and squeezed you. She then let go of you, leaving without a word, only a comforting look in her eyes. 

You were left alone to stand at the chilly road, looking around- looking at the tall green grass, something you could never see back home. The sight of animals that could only survive here, in the nature and not in the industrial city.

It felt like you could breathe here. Genuenly breathe and think clearly. You could think about Remus- his eyes. His dark green eyes, just like the jungle in front of you. You could remember all the gestures, the memories you had with him. Everything. Since the moment you first saw him, to the moment you first talked to him, had a long conversation, first kiss, first time, his proposal, his... his cowardly act- 

You sighed, plopping back down on the grass, your feet digging into the sand in front of you, as well as your bare hands, taking a few marbles, a few larger rocks inbetween your fingers. 

Until you could hear the footsteps that came towards you. At first you thought it was someone you knew here but when you looked up, you couldn’t recognise anybody looking like that.

It was familiar. The walk, the lean posture, the figure and it crossed your mind once or twice but why would he be here- he wouldn’t, would he?

“(y/n)?” he said as he continued to approach you, narrowing his eyes through the darkness. 

“Sirius?!” you exclaimed in shock, trying to get your thoughts in order as you stood up.

“I knew the hat was decieving me- it really is you!” He beamed, opening his arms and wrapping them around you. 

Surprised by his appereance you didn’t know what to do but wrap your arms around him as well. You haven’t seen him in a year and now he just appears out of the blue, at the same place as you. From all the places in the world, he finds you here. 

“What are you doing here?” you asked as you pulled away.

“Look at you!” he put his hands on your cheeks as his eyes scanned your whole body. “You’ve got sunburns everywhere!” He laughed, than looked closely at your nose. “It’s actually cute- it’s like a long strip over your nose- oh and your chin as well.”

“Har- har.” you laughed, punching him away slightly. “Sirius, what are you doing here?” you asked again.

“Following a lead.” he replied. “Just an Aurors job- James is usually with me but he’s taking care of Harry and all.”

“Harry?” you said perplexed, your eyebrows drawing together.

“His son.” he wiggled his eyebrows. “Parental leave and all.” 

“He’s got a son’?!” you exclaimed again, feeling your hand slap your mouth. “Oh my God! I’m so happy for him.”

“Yeah- since the whole wedding thing it was like you fell from the Earth.” he looked around, grinning. “Looks like you sort of did.” 

“Yeah. I needed to get away- get distracted.” you sat back down as he joined you.

“Are you alright?”

“Now? I’m better than I was in a year. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, you know?” you looked at him as he continued to watch. 

“I’m glad to hear that.” was all that he said, wanting to say more which you realized immediately because Sirius Black could never be quiet for long, nor reply in such short sentances. 

“And Remus?” you asked. “How’s he doing?” 

“You really want to know?”

“You were always the one I could count on to tell me the truth. So just rip the bandage off. He has found someone, probably lives with her-”

“Umm...no.” he forced a smile and looked away. “He lives by himself, struggling to find a job and just regretting what he did.” he continued, looking back at you. “I don’t think he can live without you.” 

Shocked by his words, you turned your head away completely speechless. 

“He tried calling you, going to your place, your parents but nobody told him where you were. They said you didn’t want anybody to know.” he took a hold of your hand and brought it to himself. 

You looked at him with tears in your eyes, unaware of how it still hurt. “He left me, Sirius.” your voice shivered. “He just left me with no explenation.” 

“I know.” he brought you close to him, letting you lay on his chest as his arms wrapped around you. “I did beat the crap out of him. Went all kung fu, you know?” he started to joke and you laughed, making him smile as he heard your laugh. “I don’t know what he was thinking leaving you- you looked gorgeous in that dress.” 

You looked up into his eyes, swallowing the tears that tried to come out and smiling at him. “Well, you did help me pick it.” 

He continued to stare into your eyes so lovingly, almsot letting you know that his thoughts were a bit more dangerous right now because Merlin had he missed you. You were his best friend beside the other three and he had such fond memories of you- always. The boys were amazing all the time with him but it was you that just gave this incredible woman’s touch and perspective to his life that really mattered. 

He shook his head, chuckling and trying to get rid of any further thoughts. “I know. My taste is impeccible.” 

“It really is.” you followed his gaze into the forest. “So how did you find me?”

“I was just passing by, looking at the elephant herd at the distance when I saw a girl hugging one of them. She looked vaguely familiar with her walk and body movement.” he looked at you, his eyes traveling down your outfit. “She reminded me of you so much and I wanted to walk away because the chance of you being here was 1 to million but it was like an insitinct inside of me telling that I should be sure. So I followed you and found you- the hat is horrible by the way.” he pointed out in the end.

“Leave my hat out of this. “ you chortled and shoved his shoulder. 

“I like your hair- I never saw you with short hair.”

“It’s really hot here and just dealing with hair every day and sweating- I just wanted to chop it.” 

“So are you ever coming back?” he asked, changing the subject.

You looked at the distance again, taking some breath in as you remembered how much you could have missed in one year. James had a baby, Sirius grew a beard and Remus- well, he’s going through some troubles but until you talk to him and resolve what you’ve been avoiding for so long, you won’t be able to move on.

“Yes.” was all that you said, making Sirius smile. “I need to talk to Remus. One talk to find some closure and finally end that chapter of my life.” you finished with a stern look in your eyes as Sirius smile faded.

“So, no second chances?” he asked and you shot his head to him, disbelieving the question he just asked you.

“No. He left me at the altar, saying he’s sorry- like all those years didn’t mean anything to him. I took a year to move on from him. Hell, I’ve gone through more shitty nights crying into my pillow and asking myself what the hell is wrong with me for him to leave. I thought the worst of myself, thinking was I not enough? Talking down on myself, trying to find any reason of why he wouldn’t want to marry me up until I finally realized my worth and see that I was never the guilty one. He was and believe it or not, I am sad that he didn’t move on but at the same time I’m so happy that he knows what he had lost.” you stood up and pattend the dust of your clothes. “It was nice seeing you, Sirius but I need to pack. I’ll see you back home- I guess.” 

[attackthepinata]

Flirting means Death (I think)

Pairing: Roceit

Word Count: Idk forgot to check, well over 1000 tho

Content & Warnings: Pride!Roman, Sympathetic!Janus, flirting, kissing, food mention, Roman is a smug bitch, Janus is in Love™

A/N: So like this was written at various 2-4 a.m’s throughout the week, so if it really choppy, I’m very sorry. This is just something I’ve kinda been craving for some reason so I wrote it. I don’t think this has any plot or continuity or anything but I’m posting it anyways because it took too damn long to write and I’m not going to let that sit in my drafts so, here you go. I’m sorry in advance.

Janus stumbled into the living room, “He’s flirting with me”

Virgil looked up from his phone and gave him a quizzical brow, “Who?”

Janus’ human cheek was flushed pink, he had a look of what was either disgust or love (maybe a mix of both), and he was rather mishappen. He looked up from his spot on the floor, “Pride”

An uneasiness settles over the room at the mention of the Side, like just by saying his name, he would show up. There was no real downside to him being around, it was just rather awkward.

“Well,” Logan started, “That can mean one of two things. One, he thinks you’re rather handsome and would like to date you. Or, two, he absolutely hates you and wants you to die”

“Those are two entirely opposite scenarios” Virgil commented.

Janus ran a hand over his face and groaned, “I think the second one fits best”

“Yeah, he does seem to really hate you,” Virgil pointed out.

Janus just glared at him and said, sarcastically, “Why thank you, Virgil, for that reassurance”

Virgil smirked, “Just doing my job,” he said as Janus sunk out.

—————————————————————————

Janus has locked himself in his room the rest of the day. It was his best chance on not getting murdered by Pride. He had allowed one person in his room that day and it was Remus. Actually, allowed is a lie. Janus had dropped something under his desk and bent down to find Remus smiling up at him. He didn’t force the Side to leave, and he didn’t mind his company too much.

Right now, Remus was laying on Janus’ bed, head hanging off the side looking at Janus upside down. Janus had seated himself in his office chair, making small talk with the chaotic Side.

“I don’t usually pride myself on being cowardly-” he was cut off by Remus snorting a laugh.

“Pride yourself! Get it? Because-”

“Yeah, I get it. Unintentional”

Janus sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. For some reason, he was so caught up about Pride, and what Logan and Virgil had said. That he was flirting with him, because he hated him. But there was still a slim chance he liked Janus.

Remus have a soft expression and rolled over so he was looking at the snake side properly, “You know, Jan,” Remus said softly, “If I didn’t know any better, you share the same feelings with Roman”

“I- what?” Janus sputtered, “I do not- He doesn’t- I shouldn’t- We could- I-” Remus cocked an eyebrow and Janus. Janus just sighed, “Roman hates me”

Remus let out a loud laugh, “You think he hates you?!” he cackled some more, “Wow! I guess love really does blind people!”

Janus looked up from his spot on the ground, “Wait, what?”

Remus jumped off the bed, “Well I gotta go now. It was nice talking with you J-Anus, why don’t we do this more often?” he said before sinking out.

Janus sighed and called after him, “That’s not how you pronounce my name!”

He groaned and buried his face in his hand. He couldn’t keep hiding in his room to avoid Pride. Though, the consistent thought of him was better than not being able to form a sentence as a tall handsome man dressed in dark clothing is towering over you saying your scales look pretty when they shimmer in the dark.

Oh, Janus was dead. Either it was because Pride took his sword and drove it through his heart or because he was so lovestriken that he would collapse.

What Remus had said didn’t help with his thoughts either. How could Roman possibly like him, he saw Janus as a villain. Maybe he did manipulate him once or twice, but the majority of that wasn’t a lie. When he did compliment him, he meant it… and there seemed to be a double use in complimenting someone. But Roman would never believe that.

Janus was suddenly pulled away from his thoughts when he heard a low grumble. He rested a hand over his stomach, and groaned for the eighteenths time that day. He needed something to eat.

He looked over at the time. 1:02 A.M. Surely Roman would be asleep right now, so Janus had nothing to worry about.

He got up from his chair and slipped out of his room down to the kitchen, careful not to make too much noise.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re avoiding me” a voice said from the shadows.

Janus jumped and stifled a scream. He turned to see a figure leaning against the wall, red eyes seemingly glowing in the shadows.

Janus let out his breath and tried to relax, “Pride” he said rather evenly.

“Deceit,” he returned smoothly, “What are you doing out here so late?”

Janus shrugged and fixed the capelet around his shoulders, “Midnight snack,” he answered quite honestly, “You?”

Roman stepped out from the shadows, eyes toning down from red to a softer brown. He unfolded his arms and let them rest at his sides as he said, “Just couldn’t sleep” Something flashed behind his eyes but Janus didn’t detect a lie nor did he push.

He just cleared his throat and turned to start back down towards the kitchen, “Well, it was nice seeing you, Roman. I’ll be off now”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Roman said disapprovingly while grabbed Janus’ wrist, spinning him back to face him… or to stare at his chest. Janus let out a small squeak of surprise at the sudden movement. Roman spoke again, “You didn’t answer my first question, are you or are you not avoiding me?”

“Well, see, when you first said it, it wasn’t really a question, it rather more of a statement that I was able to contradict…” he trailed off as he fought his gaze up from the centre of Roman’s chest to his face. Where he gave Janus a rather quizzical and smug look. Janus immediately stopped talking and shot his gaze back down to the dark red sash. He was way too obvious, but that smug smirk that Roman gave him just shut down all of his senses.

Roman let out a low chuckle at the sight of the flustered Side. he was still holding Janus’ wrist too. Actually, he was holding both of them. Janus didn’t realize when he did so, until he let go of it. He placed a finger underneath Janus’ chin a directed his gaze back up towards his face. Janus’ breath hitched at the contact.

“Are you or are you not avoiding me?” Roman asked again, a bit more clearly this time.

“I…” Janus trailed off again, trying to look away from Roman’s gaze. Eyes shooting from different places along the walls and behind the taller side.

He was suddenly brought back to reality, when he felt a thumb travelling up the jaw if the human side of his face. He looked back at Roman, who raised an eyebrow at the smaller Side, still wait for a response.

“No” Janus fought out a lie.

Roman didn’t seem to notice the lie, he just gave him a satisfied smirk and said, “Good”

Janus stared helplessly up at Roman. His had was still holding his wrist, and his finger was still under his chin, keeping his head and gaze up at the taller Side.

“You have such clear skin” Roman said, studying the human side of Janus’ face.

“I moisturize” Janus replied sheepishly at the compliment.

Roman softly smiled at the comment, the corner of his mouth lifting upwards.

“Breathtakingly beautiful,” he murmured, meeting Janus’ mismatched gaze again.

Janus’ face heated up, “You sure know how to compliment someone” he said as smoothly as he could muster.

“Learned from the best” Roman replied, alluding to Janus himself.

Janus’ gaze softened. And he remembered what Logan had said, that Roman was flirting with him because he wanted Janus dead. Maybe if Janus tried to apologize, “Listen, Roman, I didn’t-”

“You didn’t mean to?” Roman cut him off, “You weren’t trying to hurt me? And you’re sorry? Yeah, I’ve heard that speech multiple times”

Janus moved his eyes down in shame. There was nothing he could say. Roman would probably drive his sword into Janus any minute now.

“Don’t worry, though,” Roman whispered, moving his face closer to Janus, that there’s were almost touching, “I forgive you”

Janus lifted his gaze up to meet Roman’s. He was…astonished. Roman was never one for forgiving. His soft brown eyes spoke truth.

Roman chuckled at Janus’ shocked face. And the next thing Janus knew, was that his lips were on Roman’s and Janus’ eyes had fluttered closed.

Janus was up against the wall, Roman passionately kissing him back. Roman’s hands had migrated to his hips, and Janus was holding Roman’s elbows.

Roman pulled away after a bit, and brought his hand back up to Janus’ face, cupping it.

Janus’ eyes fluttered open to meet Roman’s find one. Janus spoke, “But I thought,” he sucked in a breath, “I thought you hated me”

Roman chuckled a bit at the statement, “Maybe just a little bit,” he said before kissing Janus again.

They were back again in the middle of the hallway, Janus’ hands on Roman’s chest, and Roman’s hands cupping Janus’ face.

They pulled away from each other’s lips, soft smiles adorned on their faces. Roman laughed as he moved his hands away from Janus’ face, and to his head, plucking the hat off his head and putting it on his head.

“You are officially forgiven,” he said with a large smile, fixing the hat atop of his head. He then softly nudged Janus back in the direction of the kitchen, “Now as much of a snack as I may be, you’re probably still hungry. So go get yourself something to eat or whatever” he said before turning in his heels and disappearing down the hallway.

Janus stood frozen in the hallway for a few more minutes before muttering a soft, “Right” and turning to go get food.

——————————————————————————

The next morning, or the same morning a few hours later, Janus woke up to a bouquet of roses. He picked them up, and noticed they had a note attached.

It said,

To my snake faced friend,

Thank you for the hat and the kiss. They’re almost as half as wonderful as you are.

- Prince Roman

Light or Dark, the Prince did not loose any of his signature touches, including his cheesiness. Janus smiled as he set them down again, before it him.

Memories of what had happened, flooded back to him now. He could have sworn it was a dream but the proof that it actually happened was sitting right in front of him.

He quickly got dressed into his regular clothes (minus his hat of course) and popped up in the living area, where Virgil, Logan and Remus were all sitting.

They all looked up from their various activities to see Janus, eyes wide with realization, standing there.

He finally looked up from his spot on the floor and said, “He kissed me”

[whrrlwind]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse.

fill out & repost !

tagged by:  no one! i stole it from ren <3 tagging:  anyone who wants to do it!!

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK and im too afraid to find out Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL How strictly do you follow canon?  —  pretty strictly! it’s really only towards the end of SA2 and after it where i start taking creative liberties! as whirl nearly dies himself trying (and failing) to save his shadow, and then starts going into rider’s time instead of jumping into heroes.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  you like the adventure era sonic? you hate how he sometimes handles really serious scenarios or brushes them off like nothing, as if they aren’t traumatic as shit in any way? wanna see a pretty mentally and emotionally fucked up lad struggle with handling his troubles and keep up the dark/serious theme SA2 set that sega is too cowardly to go back to in modern day? well bOY DO I HAVE THE HEDGEHOG FOR YOU. this bad boy ACTUALLY has emotions and struggles with handling them and many other things due to the position he has put himself in over the course of his life, but also doesn’t completely wear him down and stop him from being who he is! as well as dealing with the fact he and his timeline are MUCH further behind than other alternates of himself and friends. sonic “ whirl ” hedgehog is a young hero still running his way through life the way he wants like the rebellious, free-spirited teenager he is, while learning that not only is he a hero, but he’s also a person.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  — quite frankly, he’s sonic. there’s a lot of them out there. he can probably be too energetic, positive, etc, or perhaps this blog focuses a little too much on his trauma and internal struggles or even the general dark theme to the point it’s a turnoff or just hard to really read. he’s also an annoying idiot to the point it’s frustrating.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — yo sonic was my fucking LIFEBLOOD as a kid. lived and breathed this franchise. sa2 was my first game ever, sonic was my fav character (and still is), so my absolute love for this specific version of him became too much to internalize sooooo here we are ; w ;

What keeps your inspiration going? —  straight up, sonic is probably my biggest comfort character to exist ever. always makes me happy, always makes me feel better when im down, etc. there’s nothing he can’t do that doesn’t make me smile, regardless of how sega treats him. being able to pour my ideas into a character i love so much to the point he becomes really personalized (and personal for me), and it’s actually something people enjoy seeing and interacting with? it gives me so much goddamn sertonin.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? Do you frequently write headcanons?  YESSSSS I CANNOT SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHIRL ask anyone i Do Not Shut The Fuck Up even if i don’t post abt it on tumblr Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO just bc im bad at writing them abndhjbfd Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA. Do you accept criticism about your portrayal?  —  always!! i’m always willing to learn and improve on things, especially with the canon of some events from games and such, as i’m not 100% with everything besides SA2. all i really ask is that when receiving criticism, people are as nice as they can be with it! thanks adhd and personal trauma

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY I DO

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  mmmmm? mm. kind of? but also not really? like. everyone’s entitled to their own opinion ofc, i’m not gonna rip anyone apart for disagreeing with something, but like. i have adhd. i’m v hypersensitive to some things, so it can really be processed in my head the wrong way and it makes me feel bad. so i guess just....... be careful about it if you ever wanna tell me why?

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — i’d probably just kinda be like “ damn that sucks bro, but thats literally not my problem, there’s a whole ton of other sonics out there bye ” bc like. i dont care? don’t even really tell me bc honestly ur just wasting ur time lmao

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — ill be the first to admit im. v attached to sonic as a whole. he means a lot to me! so going off abt how you may (generally) hate him really....... is just upsetting to me. but thats just bc im v attached to him, and there’s nothing wrong with having that opinion on him!! we all get upset when someone talks bad about something we love. all i ever ask is that try to keep it away from me, especially if it’s abt whirl in particular, bc it can really upset me and thats just not fun for anyone <:3c

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — absolutely!! i make them all the time and i even have a friend proofread some of my stuff bc of how common it is aBJDBHBJC, again i just ask if people are nice about it when pointing that stuff out to me!!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  oh fuckin yes absolutely, im tooting my own horn and i dont even care, im one of the chillest people on this fuckin planet

[lostinruans]

Young, dumb, and Broke(n).

Shhhhhhellooooooooo. It’s been a thicc while since I’ve posted. I think I havent posted for a plethora of reasons (because we all know that I never only have or think of one reason for my problems or drawbacks). One reason is that I’m just busy with work, balancing a somewhat existent social life, family, church, while sometimes getting rest (whatver that means). Another reason is that I dont have time, often, to process because I’m busy, so either I’ve had no time to process my feelings, thoughts, and experiences or I’ve over processed and hyper hydrated things in the little time and space i have to myself to contemplate and elaborate to myself.

I also feel like I’ve definitely been hesisfsnt to post because I doubt or try to doubt the validity and permanency of my feelings. Like I try to label them as vibes or “it be like that” moments and brush it under the rug sometimes. And we all know, that dust, dirt, and broken glass hidden under a rug is still just dust dirt and glass. And I also feel live I’ve been afraid to share. I feel like I only post when something is wrong or bothering me, and I dont wanna seem like I cant be okay by myself or without other certain people. It’s also because I just don’t know what when or how to post in a way that doesn’t seem completely depressed, hopeless, or ashamed even though that is how i feel quite frequently. And I think not posting kinda saves me from anxiety, but also tightens it because it draws me back from at least having an outlet and a way to articulate and just plop out what’s in my heart and mind.

But yeah. Anyways. I just feel like... my heart is heavy. Like I dont know specifically why, but I know the bits and pieces that poke at it. Like what are the reasons why I dont feel okay, or comfortable. Why do I feel awkward or tense of ingenuine. Why am I like this, but also why do I let myself be like this. Do I let myself...?

Like I cant even have a casual interaction. I respect you, I want to love and appreciate you as you expressively do for me. But it breaks me. Why am I such a stranger before this person who has known, cared, and prayed for me for the past several years. Why am I supposed to be excited, but I am afraid and anxious and nervous at encounters. What makes me feel so wasteful and fruitless when you’re pouring your attention, your all, and your effort and time into me. Like... why am i like this. On whose foot or uneven ground do I stumble on... is it my own. And I feel like it hurts me when I act or feel so pathetic because I cant even deal with a talk barely an hour long. That I feel so selfish because I dont try to see these attempts at empathy or understanding and guidance. Or I feel tired from listening but at the same time I am unwilling to share.

Like why is my heart so twisted like this, where I cant fully appreciate you or your time. That I am fearful and ashamed of grace and love. Where did I fall. Where and when did the cracks form so deeply that the slightest bits of time and space that may come between us make me forget what it’s like to talk. Or where my problems become indescribable to others and your problems become things i don’t notice or seem to care of. Am I just breaking myself. Am I just so naive and inexperienced in life, faith, and love that I cant even handle a mentor. Am I so weak and selfish that I can’t feel comfortable with you as much, but I also hate myself when i am alone.

Like. I don’t know. There was even that one time... where you asked if I wanted to meet up, and i said “I’m not ready.” And you simply replied “it’s okay to not be ready.” And I was shook. I was shook because on one sinister side, I thought that you didn’t care how I felt or thought I felt about meeting up and you persisted in meeting. But i think I was mostly shook because your statement was quite true, especially in this situation. That it’s okay to not be ready sometimes. But I think, when you’re crazy and often angsty for no huge reason like me, where you fear and juggle with what to talk about and how to talk about it for days, sometimes weeks, before meetings and events, but when it happens, your heart just locks up for no reason. That you can’t explain yourself or your struggles or your reasons. That your time meeting is filled with silence and waiting for questions and answers, and then the time beyond comes with regret of not saying or sharing things. And In the few times, you cowardly go with your torn tail between your legs and go for a message or a text, because you’re too weak of a bitch to say things out loud or in person.

But like. Idk. Why am i like this. Why am I so avoidant. I know, but i don’t know. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m sorry, God, to Those, and to myself. But what can I even do. Reconciliation, sanctification, etc. these “processes,” but like. When will I be completed. When will I be content. Am I waiting to see the broken vessel i am being put to use, or am i just scraps meant for the trash anyway. When will I know what I am to become. How can i be sure in gods plan. Where will I be able to find courage and trust in myself and others.

Why am I running. From who and what. Why.

😔 I’m tired.

[crackling-dab]

Thoughts on TLJ

Many spoilers. Many Many spoilers.

So I get now why the reviews of TLJ were so mixed. Like, there were an unnecessary amount of twists and turns the left a bad taste all over the place. I kept thinking it was over well before it was, and then something new happened.

Idk where to start so I’m gonna ramble.

I haven’t read much since I just watched the movie but I get the feeling people didn’t like the way Luke was done. I’ve never really been that invested in Luke tbh, so I wasn’t bugged by it. I think it was reasonable given the magnitude of solute he faced, and his rate of success prior to it. He was Luke Skywalker, hero of the rebellion, and not only did one of his best students, his nephew, turn dark, Like himself almost did in that moment. That was his ultimate point of failure, and he had no recourse. I hadn’t dealt with anything like that, that I know of, and so he tried to deal with it his way. Which, in the way of depressed people, was to find an isolated place and cut himself off from the entirety of existence. Relatable as fuck.

Now Kylo and Rey. Ugh. That was the worst. It was a dumb unnecessary subplot full of “shit that isn’t romantic in any way but was definitely put there so that people who want it to be can see it that way” and I hated it. The connection, apparently planted by Snoke, was stupid as fuck, the future sight was unnecessary and the only redeemable moment was their tag team fight which was pretty kickass. Rey “shooting” Kyle was satisfying. The only reason this doesn’t wreck the movie for me is that Rey appeared to close the door on that shit, quite literally, at the end so I have hope that whoever takes over from Rian gets the hint.

Rey’s story didn’t feel super well done either, with the whole darkness cave thing. What was the point of that? I suspect it was supposed to establish that Rey had touched the dark side and found it “cold and lonely” but that’s not how the dark side works. It’s enticing and shiny and nice and it doesn’t show that dark and lonely part till it’s far to late, not right away. I absolutely agree that being drawn to a man who had only ever tortured her and tried to kill her and her friends was full on horseshit. Rian fucked that up bad. I don’t know why they made such a big deal of her reverse grip fighting but it was cool.

Kylo is still a little bitch and I was so relieved that he didn’t get redeemed. I think the shirtless scene was unnecessary and done very badly because he was wearing pants that went up to his belly button?? What the fuck were those? Like I mean Adam driver could just look like That but the pants most certainly did not help. Brick Shithouse indeed.

The Yoda scene was cool. Death is slowly removing the worst of his gremlin-ness, and he burning of the tree was good shit. He was awfully physical for a Force ghost though, what with wacking Luke.

The Finn and Rose subplot was… eh, at best. I certainly enjoyed watching the place full of rich capitalist war profiteers get wrecked, but overall it felt erratic and poorly executed. I would have loved to see more of them in a better written main plot.

The whole Poe mutiny thing was interesting because my gut reaction was to side with Poe, because he’s the protagonist, but in hindsight he was acting like a bit of a jackass. Of course Holdo could have just told him the plan and saved some trouble, and I’m gonna blame bad writing for that one cause I can’t think of a rational reason.

I’m also conflicted about Holdo’s death. On one hand, it blew my mind when I realized what she was doing, it was super awesome, but my initial thought was “I want to go out like that” and it was born from a place of anger and frustration rather than Holdo’s motivation to save the people and the cause she cared about. I also would’ve liked to see more of her, and I’m annoyed that they set her at odds with Poe in the start because the natural tendency is to side with the protagonist, and in our society the fact that he’s a man and she’s a women who is said to be acting cowardly or irrationally is… bad.

The alleged death of Phasma was dumb. She deserves better and I hope she gets it in the future.

Leia flying through space felt really hokey. I think it was the way it was filmed, I’m glad she’s alive it just was off to me.

Snoke. As soon as he died I stopped caring about him. I’d still kinda like to know who he was but also I don’t really care.

That’s all I can think of if I think of more I’ll add it later.

All in all, I was able to walk away having enjoyed a fair amount of the movie and having hope for the next one so Ill say I liked it.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD 

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet. 

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought. 

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps. 

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don’t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

[sanguinesprout]

Things and stuff... and things... and stuff... and things... .__. (some more thoughts and frustrations, talk about troubles and general feels)

Hmm.. I’ve put off writing again and forgotten things again... things lately have been... kind of bleh... melancholy and non-progressive. I’ve got the negative thinking hat on right now, I know. I wanna take it off though, it’s snug to the point my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to wanna budge yet so imma just roll with it a little while longer. Forgive me for my excessive and probably incorrect use of ellipses, it’s just really hard to find the words, I just smh to myself all the time whenever I try writing really.

Maybe I should make a twitter or something so I can briefly write my thoughts when I actually have them, I’ve thought about this quite a few times in the past. It seems kind of an effort though... my phone is busted and whipping out my pc whenever or writing on paper is kinda out of the question cause I’m much too cowardly and paranoid. I’ll save the thought for another time though (another time probably meaning never orz).

Everyday just feels... heavy and bleak. Like there’s rainclouds permanently hanging over my head even when it’s a sunny day and everyone outside is chirpy and happy. I’m so foggy and sickly feeling from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Everything’s so overwhelming, the thoughts, the senses, all in overdrive and concentration on anything is impossible. I can’t help but feel like don’t know what to do or what I’m even doing has a point and I’m spiralling into the sea of darkness again. I’m lost, so terribly lost, but I can see a small light in the distance. Although it’s far, if I keep going maybe I can still find my way back out. I won’t ever give up hope, even if I feel like there isn’t any at all a lot of the time. I just need to keep going..!

Hmm, okay, I've been tidying my room and pc some more lately. Came across my dyslexia reports (mentioned in one of my previous posts) which I’d been wanting to take another look at since it’s been years, so I did. I read through them both and the first thing I would have to say is that I’m an idiot. Not in the sense of anything related to the disorder or report itself or anything offensive, but in the fact that I disregarded and was negligent towards the diagnoses and advice. I don’t know why I’m so skeptical or maybe still in denial towards this, I think I’m still rather uniformed myself even though I have researched it quite a lot but keep forgetting or misinterpreting details. I feel unsure because like I said at other times, things relating to mental function overlap/can have multiple possible causes. It’s that ‘I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket’ kind of feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t want things in general to become self fulfilling prophecies, because once my mind goes running, it really doesn’t want to come back.

Maybe because I’ve had these struggles all my life I just saw it as normal, as just how I am or something and so to casually dismiss it. Or maybe... it just feels like because maybe no one else around me took it seriously, that I then followed them and didn’t take it seriously either or was too scared to. Being told you’re lazy and slow and things like that all the time and finding out you have legitimate explanation or cause for these troubles, it should be a good sort of thing to know, act on and inform people of. But... instead I have the feeling that it sounds like just an excuse to everyone else, it’s just so easily misinterpreted and kind of difficult to comprehend, explain or believe I guess, idk... :<

The first report from college said I had mild dyslexia and the second more detailed report from uni said I had Dyslexia, ADD (is it called Inattentive ADHD nowadays?) and Irlen syndrome (will maybe write about another time). The Dyslexia mentioned in both was mostly relating to my processing and memory being meh I think. Even though I read them the other day I can’t remember the contents properly, lovely .__. ADD is actually a lot more than I thought it was... I googled it again recently and a lot of the symptoms are similar or overlap with those of AVPD and other things. I want to find an article to link it (though it’s not really necessary) or re-read the report again but even now my head hurts so bad and I just wanna go flop on the bed. I’m really struggling, the mental effort is so strenuous with everything little I do. Even the simplest things wear me out so much that I’m just getting so frustrated and exhausted over and over again. 

Some advice was to go to the doctor for medication to help with the ADD (which I obviously didn’t do). I’m wondering if I should try now, even though it’s been pretty long since the report was written, even though my parents will probably just shun the idea, even though I’m scared of side effects... If it helps, if it makes a difference, it could even be a life changer maybe, or even if it doesn’t help, I’ll never know unless I try... it’s tough... I need to research it some more.

I really badly want to get this post done because thinking about it for so many days (like every other post) has left me with so much anguish, but it’s so hard to formulate the words to express what I really want to say. I feel like I’ve set too much of a structure with my other posts and the general flow of the blog. Also like I’ve set up a certain standard for myself that I feel pressured to try and match every time. I’m just such a ridiculously troublesome and self sabotaging person ughhhh! No no, stop being so negative...! ><

I think I will keep it brief this time and re-visit and elaborate when I can think more clearly next time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, silly... Maybe I should just bullet point my thoughts and stuff so I’ll stop worrying about the structure and grammar and whatever, but I guess it might make less sense then... but when have my posts ever made sense lol... One of the things in one of my dyslexia reports said my writing sample was good but I played it safe with the topic and vocabulary and my paragraphing sucked hahaha. But with more practice, there is improvement. I mean my paragraphing is probably still pretty weird, and my punctuation, I do remember having trouble with it when I was little, but I think I have improved in the general writing department, I’m kind of proud-ish, yay!

Moving on from that subject, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and worried about my family... or well my parents in particular. It’s like... I know I have a very poor quality of life because of health and lack of social stuff, but so do my parents and they never speak about this (no surprise here), but I know about it and I really want to help but when I do they just brush it off or get annoyed... :/ They sacrifice so much of their health for work, and they work so I can live and leech off them pretty much :<

Ugh I’m too brain foggy and distracted... I need a break... :c ...Hmm okay, distracted myself for a bit, nao back to writing something... or not....

*A few days later* welp, uhh... still very groggy and very neck muscle/jaw tension wow. Per usual I forgot what I wanted to say even more lol. I don’t like writing negative/personal stuff about my parents, feels bad man x 10000 .__. I don’t like writing any of this stuff at all, but I can’t give up! Or well, I won’t give up! c: I went back and edited/added to the stuff I wrote, good! Now to continue!

Hmm... in relation my parents having not much concern over their well-being(?) uhh, let’s take the other day for example. I was just saying to my dad that he shouldn’t use expired stuff or things for purposes they’re not designed for or overwork and he got annoyed instantly as usual. I was saying it because I care for him and am worried about his health but I was finding it really hard to express this because of the language barrier. I still tried my best though and after quite a while remembered a certain phrase which is something like wishing or wanting someone to be healthy/have a healthy body. I remembered it because I just heard it a lot the past year and recently (probably a few months ago now) my dad’s bro phoned and said it to me and my dad. He actually wasn’t annoyed anymore after that, maybe because he caught on to what my intentions were or maybe just because he saw me looking upset idk (I got a bit teary but tried to keep looking down and stuff).

Something I also remember and have been wanting to mention, is that my uncle also said to me that same time while my dad was there (he was holding the phone on loudspeaker), that if there is anything troubling me, I shouldn’t hold it all in (my heart) because it’s no good for my health and should speak about it with my parents and stuff (...um maybe this would be possible in an alternate world, but it seems unlikely to work or happen here .__.). My dad’s bro is such a wonderful person and I’m really so thankful and glad my dad has been able to keep in contact with him lately, and to actually see him happy and stuff. I just wish I could’ve talked to him better myself but I froze up cause language barrier and avpd life ugh. That reminds me of another thing, I have relatives but they are all like strangers to me and there’s the language barrier again and it’s just hella awkward... it sucks :c 

I need to stop being such a weenie about everything. No, I say stop too much. I should cease and desist from being such a weenie. Hm... I need to cease and desist from putting myself down and beating my self up, unless it’s beating myself up with only positivity, if that is even possible. Haha that’s a thought... replacing the negative stuff with positive but keeping it in the same attacking tone of voice, it’s pretty amusing. Reminds me of those rap battles I saw on the internets which have complimenting instead of dissing lmao. The more sensical phrase would be to lift yourself up with positivity. Imma make sure to do this instead, lift myself up off my sad butt and get moving. Do you even lift bruh?Lololol :3

I’ve been kinda avoiding going out a bit more lately, I’m so self-conscious and it’s just been getting worse and worser, especially since I’m exposing myself to all these seemingly perfect people on places like Instagram. I can’t help but compare and feel inferior and just ugh. All these people I see are not afraid to like what they like or do and say what they want without feeling ashamed. I aspire to be like them, truly. Seeing that they like things I also like (that I feel stupidly ashamed of and just hide), think and say things similar or exactly on the point of what I would like to (but can never muster the courage to) and are still appreciated and liked is kind of eye opening and reassuring. It gives me hope that if I just really be myself someday, then it’ll actually be okay.

There’s a lot of stuff I wanted to write but kinda just slipped my mind as I focused on other bits, but this post is pretty darn long enough already anyways and my eyes and head are hurting. I guess it’s a good time to end the post and catch some Z’s. I’ll give myself a pat on my (sore aching granneh) back for managing to write even though I felt like I really couldn’t (and wanted to avoid doing so more) and to write out some things I thought I wouldn’t. I did it and I want to continue to get better at expressing and understanding myself! Go go silly me! ^^

Good night~!