#idk go make some friends like that who are supportive of your personal growth

[smonk-wonk]

how do you know your friends are real? (genuine question, not trying to imply anything about yours)

I've had a lot of shitty fake friends that have hurt me. Anyone who knows me well enough is aware of that 🥴 And when you get out of those controlling, abusive, and/or toxic dynamics, it's way easier to spot the red flags. You get treated how you should have been treated then and it's consistent

If they make a mistake and hurt me which is inevitable even in healthy dynamics, they don't take offense to being told or made aware that they've hurt me. A lot of people who I thought were my friends would turn it around on me or beat themselves up so much that they became the victim. "I'm a monster! I'm gonna delete discord! I'm so sorry I'm always fucking up I'm a big stupid fuckup!" knowing that as someone who was easily manipulated I was going to be the one giving them comfort and attention and probably be the one apologizing for some reason. An ex "best friend" particularly loved to do this. A number of ex friends really

But now that doesn't happen. Yeah they might get super upset and blame themselves because guilt is normal when you've hurt someone you love. I get very upset when i hurt someone I love. But they don't bring attention to or make a show of their misery and instead work things out in a constructive way and do their best to make sure their focus is to learn from what they've done and never do it again

After long enough, fake people show patterns and red flags. I ignored those and part of that is related to the black and white thinking and idealization related to BPD. The feeling that the other person can do no wrong and even if they do, I'll be okay and probably caused them to do it anyway. And it didn't take much to convince me that even fucked up things, and I mean super fucked up things weren't that bad.

I know my friends aren't fake because I can look at the fake ones and go "wow that was so fucked up" and see a huge contrast between that and the behavior I see now. The growth from mistakes, the genuine unconditional love, not having anything expected of me, not doubting my own feelings about them, I could go on.

And it's refreshing not feeling like I'm walking in a minefield and having to cater to and not hurt them at all costs. That was a major problem with that specific volatile ex "best friend" I mentioned. And most of my exes. Except "hurting" them was usually things like expressing feelings or pointing out something they did wrong or wanting a need met or trying to set a boundary. I was told those things were hurtful so I didn't try to anymore. They knew what was best for me and what I should think or feel, after all

It's the fact that the friends I used to have would drain me but when people hurt you for long enough you brush it off because you'll put yourself through a lot just to get the serotonin from the happy parts. It felt worth it because we also had great times, and in toxic dynamics that sort of trauma bonding will confuse you and you think "it's not so bad, they did something out of kindness that they didn't have to do recently. They comforted me today. They watched something with me that I picked out" and often they hold that over you too as "proof" of how good they are to you

And also unlike many of those dynamics, in my current friendships boundaries aren't just allowed, but encouraged on both sides. We're allowed to say what we think or feel or want or need without it becoming an argument. Third parties who genuinely care about me don't comment that something's off about my friends or point out something they did wrong so I feel like I have to make excuses for them. In fact my friends tend to point out toxic patterns and red flags that I wasn't aware of before so I can avoid them in future interpersonal relationships because they don't want to see me get hurt that way again

They also don't enable me when I fuck up. They tell me, and that was one of the hardest red flags to spot in the past because of how much I defined myself by my own perception of justice and my self righteousness. They not only don't hurt me, but if I hurt other people they go "this is what you did wrong, own up to it". Other people would encourage or pressure me to think or act a certain way (which I am responsible for), or stand behind me and justify me doing things that caused hurt. But my current homies not only grow but they want to see me grow too

It's just love, and I'm happy. That's how I know

[sevensoulmates]

Buddie 7x01 Meta

Okay! Finally, I was able to watch the full episode uninterrupted and have had a couple days to gather my thoughts. Quite simply this episode was fucking fantastic. My meta does sometimes include some spec, so if that's not your thing feel free to ignore those parts. Those of you who follow me know I write long ass essays, so fair warning for a long meta under the cut. ((Also idk how to make gifs, so enjoy my shitty screenshots)).

First, I love to see Buck and Eddie back at it again in their natural element being partners on a scene.

This was very obviously a call back to season 2, even down to the positioning, having Buck watch Eddie be competent in defusing a bomb. Buck has complete faith in Eddie's abilities, it's the fighter pilot whom he distrusts. In the end, they narrowly avoid getting blown up, just like they did in 2x01. This one scene re-establishes the Buck/Eddie work dynamic and shows how they inherently trust each other on and off the field.

Next, we get a scene of Buck and Eddie getting dressed in the locker room. Notably, Buck is fully dressed and Eddie is without his shirt until halfway through the scene. Buck also keeps his eyes on Eddie's naked torso pretty much through the whole shirtless section. This is another blatant callback to season 2x01 when Buck's first introduction to Eddie is when he's shirtless. This draws attention specifically to Eddie's physical attractiveness and how that affects Buck. This scene is odd to have with Eddie half-naked if we're then gonna make comments later on about "sexual tension" with friends, no?

In the same scene we are reintroduced to Buck and Eddie's separate love lives. Eddie is just now learning that Buck and Natalia broke up, and gives an odd facial expression that looks far too much like vindication. We know from the graveyard scene in 6x17 that Eddie wasn't really a fan of Buck's relationship with Natalia (I don't think there's ever been a relationship Buck's had where Eddie has legitimately been happy about it, which is weird if they're just friends, right?) so to him, this was always coming down the road. He seems proud that Buck was able to end it this easily.

Meanwhile, Eddie's going on a "not-date" with Marisol to chaperone Christopher's date with Penny. It's telling to me that Eddie doesn't classify this as a date with Marisol, but Buck does. Buck considers being at home watching Christopher as a date, and yet he seemingly doesn't classify all the times he's been over at Eddie's hanging out with just him and Chris to be a date? To me, this shows the first big disconnect in Buck/Eddie's brains that the show will likely dismantle this season: what is classified as platonic and what is classified as romantic, and which gender is allowed to be in each category. We'll come back to this when we get to the next scene.

Eddie is very supportive of Buck breaking up with Natalia. He doesn't say it directly to his face, but it's implied that Buck really lost himself when he was with Natalia, hence Eddie's "Welcome back to the land of the living". While Buck did struggle with figuring out his life purpose at the end of season 6, he falsely prescribed that purpose to Natalia. Thankfully, this was rectified here. This also shows significant growth for Buck from his last relationship with Taylor Kelly. Buck was able to identify issues in his relationship quicker and was able to cut the relationship short when he realized it was no longer healthy to maintain for him. I am extremely proud of Buck in this moment, as is Eddie, which is the first of two big moments in this episode where Buck and Eddie really showcase their pride in the other's personal growth. "You were missed" is such a simple yet perfect line for Eddie to give to Buck. To show Buck that Eddie has always seen him, and will always see him, even through personal lows, and will still remain by his side when they come out the other side. I really love this showcase of unconditional love here.

The next time we see Buck and Eddie, the chaperone date has already passed. Eddie and Marisol are seen watching Chris and Penny from behind the wall, but it's highkey awkward to watch and the focus of this scene is really not Eddie/Marisol but rather Chris and Penny and Eddie relaying this info to Buck. I first want to point out that we don't actually get to see Eddie/Marisol's first date, we don't see any subsequential dates, and the first time we DO see her, in an episode meant to be establishing couples, she's so blink-and-you'll-miss-it that I had to try 3 times to get this screenshot because it went by so fast. It's never a good sign when we don't actually get to see the beginnings of a non-established relationship.

Additionally, Eddie/Marisol's relationship is framed WITHIN Eddie recounting the night to BUCK. The important Eddie relationship we're supposed to be paying attention to in this scene is not Eddie/Marisol but Eddie and Buck's. It's not important for us to see Eddie and Marisol hanging out, but it IS important for us to see Eddie TELLING Buck about the night. That isn't insignificant. This means the show is clearly placing far more importance on Eddie/Buck than on Marisol, and for a pointed reason to be revealed hopefully later this season.

This is the only line that Marisol has in the entire episode. This being the one line she has is interesting because it's a callback to Eddie's arc last season ie. "Eddie has no game with women". Christopher makes a pointed comment about it in 6x18. And of course, it's a callback to Performance Anxiety 6x14 where Eddie was being pressured about dating women and 6x17 Love Is In The Air where he once again pressures himself into dating women until he finally settles on Marisol. It's an interesting call back to have, considering this scene could have been considered Eddie successfully dating a woman. And of course this ties into later in this episode where we get the "turning women off" comment, which I'll talk more about later.

Eddie goes on to tell Buck that he didn't really see any difference between Christopher hanging out with his male friends vs hanging out with his female friends. This is drawing attention to two things. The first is a call-back to Buck and Eddie's previous scene where we saw that Buck and Eddie have two different ideas of what constitutes "a date" when it's with a man versus a woman. Buck thinks that an at-home date with Marisol to watch Chris counts as a date, Eddie doesn't. Yet Buck doesn't consider his own at-home "hang-outs" with Eddie and Chris to be a date despite them being far more frequent and more meaningful than what we just saw with Marisol. Eddie also doesn't see it that way. This line is an indicator that both Buck and Eddie have blinders on currently when it comes to their interactions with each other, interactions which very much COULD be considered a date (including the later mentioned "underlying sexual tension") if they had done the same thing with a woman. They're just unable to recognize the truth of it at the moment, and this is clearly demonstrated when Eddie can't tell the difference between Chris having his date with his male friends vs. female. My prediction is that this will become more defined for Eddie by the end of the season or leading into next season.

But it's very interesting that this idea of not being able to recognize the possibility of romance except for the heteronormative options is coming into play now because there's really only one gay way to subvert that.

Which is then doubled down by Buck in the very next scene.

This is blatantly not a true statement. Buck is not only assuming Chris's sexuality, but he's assuming the same would be the case in general, which is not true. Buck knows many queer people, but at the same time, every queer person he knows canonically falls more into the gay-lesbian binary, and not really anywhere in the middle (ie. bi/pan people). It's an oddly heteronormative statement coming from Buck, who is known to be very open-minded and also researches a shit ton? So why are we being shown that Buck has this sort of narrow-mindedness specifically when it comes to the possibility of people being bisexual?

(Spec) Firstly, I think this is to set up for a bisexual Buck arc. It's showing that Buck actually 1.) hasn't ever been with a man before so this is not just a casual bi reveal and 2.) that he's never actually considered it a possibility to have sexual tension with a man before. This is what we in writing call "the character's fundamental misbelief" and it is brought in specifically to be challenged, and I'm near-positive it will be at some point in the season.

Secondly, On the surface, this statement is telling the audience that obviously Christopher would only have tension with his female friends, right? (sarcasm). But what's interesting is that this statement is purposefully gender-neutral. It leaves the real meaning up to the audience to decide. Why? Because this part of the conversation is not really about Christopher. On the surface, yes, but beneath that, this line and the line before it are about Eddie and Buck's relationship with each other. Buck's not out here talking about Christopher having sexual tension with people, and even Eddie recognizes that it's weird to talk about in relation to their child. He's still in the nest for christ's sake! These lines are in relation to Buck and Eddie's friendship and how both of them are blind to the fact that it very much IS possible to have sexual tension with your female AND male friends.

And this is where the gender-neutrality of that phrase gets extra interesting. Because as we've seen before, Buck and (more prominently) Eddie often lack chemistry with their female love interests. It's up for debate, but the general consensus was that most people did not feel any chemistry between Buck/Natalia, and Eddie/Ana or Eddie/Marisol. What's fascinating is that Buck has had chemistry with some of his female love interests, but Eddie hasn't had any since Shannon (and this is not an endorsement of Eddie/Shannon's romantic relationship. I'm not getting into the extreme nuances of that right now.) Some argue Eddie's had chemistry with Felisa or Vanessa, but they aren't the ones Eddie's dating right now, are they? So Eddie, unlike Buck with his female LI's, hasn't really had any sexual tension with Ana or Marisol. The only person that (most) people agree Eddie has had sexual tension with is Buck. And we had a scene with them earlier with Buck watching a half-naked Eddie change too. So in this case, the line might also be a reference to Eddie having chemistry with men, but not really with any of his female LI's. I think the purposeful vagueness here though was a very telling choice on Tim's part.

Additionally, the use of the word "underlying". Underlying implies that the sexual tension isn't overt, but rather is something that lingers unspoken. Under the surface. Subtextual, if you will. Of course, it's possible to have subtextual sexual tension between an M/F pairing. But placing it in the context of this scene, where Buck is being weirdly heteronormative, it feels contradictory. If Buck believes that he (and Chris by proxy) can only have sexual tension with a female friend, why is it something that is hidden under the surface? If anything, due to heteronormativity, the sexual tension between a boy and girl should be plain as day for anyone to see, on the surface, very much textual and with no room for interpretation (ie. "He was a boy, she was a girl, could I make it any more obvious?"). But let's flip this around. With queer pairings and couplings, there's a huge history of their sexual tension and romance only being able to live and breathe in the subtext. This line being spoken between two men that many people for years have pointed out are heavily queer-coded and have a romantically-coded "bro" relationship with each other that so far has only been able to exist in subtext? Tim, you're not sly. I see right through you.

After that, Eddie tells Buck about Christopher seeing 5 girls at the same time. Everyone's shocked and Eddie insinuates that Christopher didn't get this from him. By pointing out that Buck is a reformed playboy (I personally disagree with aspects of this statement but that's neither here nor there), Eddie is implying that Christopher may potentially be getting this trait from Buck. Which is an interesting thing to say to someone if they're not already heavily involved in the process of raising your child. Eddie claims that he's a "nester", which in my mind means someone who is very paternal/maternal, or constantly trying to build the home or the family. ((Sidebar: I googled nesting and apparently it's ALSO a term used in both polyamorous spaces and was later separately coined as a term referring to "where men treat women like they’re in a relationship, but they expect those women to know that it will never lead to real one." I don't interpret this line to mean either of those other definitions, I just think it's interesting that this is what popped up when I googled Nesting)).

Eddie then says he "married the first girl he dated" and Buck instantly volleys back with "think you mean slept with", which is EXTREMELY telling of a few things. First, I want to point out, that I don't believe this is Buck denouncing or disrespecting Shannon's important role in Eddie or Chris's life, but rather recontextualizing it.

We got clarification last season that Eddie fell into his relationship with Shannon almost in the same way that he fell into one with Ana and Marisol. It was heavily implied that Shannon was the pursuer, the one who made their relationship happen. Not Eddie. While Eddie was a little less passive with Ana and Marisol, being the one to ask both of them out, he still exhibits extreme passivity in the furthering of each of these relationships, preferring to "stick it out" rather than actually end it when it's not working. This is the exact same thing he did with Shannon. It's interesting that Buck argues that Eddie married the first girl he slept with rather than the first girl he dated.

Dating someone implies you really genuinely want to form a deep romantic relationship with someone (ie. call back to Buck's line to Maddie "at least when I date someone, I date them"), whereas sleeping with someone does not have to immediately mean wanting to be with them romantically. To me, this implies that while Eddie might've deeply loved Shannon as a friend and eventual mother of his child later and had sexual chemistry with her, the reason why he stayed with her is not because he wanted to continue dating her or being with her because he was IN LOVE with HER but rather because they slept together. And what came about from sleeping with her? A fucking traumatic teen pregnancy.

Both Buck AND Eddie recognize that in this scene (which is huge, especially for Eddie). I'm kinda blown away honestly. It's extremely important for the audience to see that while Eddie did, does and will always love Shannon, it is NOT romantic love, and may have not ever been. Which is FINE. They were literal teenagers for god's sake.

This is once again a recurring theme in Buck and Eddie's story in this episode. Defining what is considered romantic and what is considered platonic AND the possibility of redefining those distinctions years later. And it's interesting that in this case with Shannon, a woman, it's finally being acknowledged that it might not have been as romantic as Eddie may have believed for all these years.

Eddie then asks Buck to be the one to talk to Christopher about his relationship indiscretions. We see Eddie making the active choice to bring Buck deeper into the co-parenting role that's already been established in seasons 2-6. Right after Eddie talks about being a nester, a home-builder, he brings Buck deeper into his family in a parental role. To me, this scene doesn't imply that Eddie can't do it, or that it's out of his wheelhouse, but rather because he feels like Christopher might relate to Buck more about this. But even more so, it shows that Eddie inherently trusts Buck to be the one to talk to Christopher about this, because he's seen how Buck has grown over the years.

Eddie doesn't want Christopher to continue making bad choices in life and he tries to convey this to Buck, but Buck, with his own self-esteem issues, assumes that Eddie doesn't want Christopher to end up like Buck. Which is fascinating because Buck's made it a huge point throughout the series to show that he's grown past his sleeping-around phase (which was never about disrespecting or using women, it was always about Buck's own desire for love and connection that he felt he could only get through sex). And yet with this line, we see that Buck still doesn't realize how far he's come. He still feels like he isn't worth emulating or being someone to look up to. But Eddie does. Eddie sees and loves Buck to his core, and so he points it out to Buck that no, Buck actually didn't become that person, and that Buck is, in fact, worthy of being the one to parent Christopher in this situation. Once again, this is a great moment of showing how these two are able to see past their facades to the truth of each other's issues and provide strength, reassurance, and clarity to each other, as an ideal life partner would be able to do.

Then we get to see this amazing scene of Eddie talking down a panicking woman using his own unique "jello" methods. This coping mechanism tool he walks her through really does sound like something a therapist might teach their patient. Eddie not only is able to admit to having panic attacks but he's able to do it in front of strangers and his team alike with no shame (even a bit of pride at the end). This scene, which could've gotten very awkward very fast, ended up becoming a very sweet, serene moment where we also get to see that love reflected on Buck's face just how proud he is of how far Eddie has come. This episode made a point to show Buck and Eddie recognizing the other's growth and their pride in the other, as well as demonstrate how both are able to be there for the other emotionally in their times of need.

What's interesting is that this is all stuff that we've seen before. Buck and Eddie have been each other's emotional pillars for many years now. This is just a re-establishing episode. We know that this season their relationship is going to be shifting, growing, and showing a new side to it. So I'm intrigued to see how that will manifest given that we have already seen in one episode how Buck and Eddie are each other's closest person. Some might argue that this episode actually frames them to be closer and more emotionally supportive of each other than two of the other canonically romantic couples on the show.

Bathena are shown to be having marital problems in this episode, with Athena worrying she and Bobby might not actually have that much in common outside of the chaos. Madney is shown with pre-martial problems, with Chimney unnecessarily worrying he and Maddie's spark might fizzle out over the years and they might grow to resent each other. I'm not saying either of these relationship problems is really accurate, but it's just interesting to look at in comparison to how Buck and Eddie were framed in this episode, despite not being in a canonical romantic relationship at the moment.

This exchange absolutely took me the fuck out. Because this line did not need to be there. Even for the giggles. It could've even been a line of Buck being sincere and saying that he's proud of Eddie or something. Instead, we get this. "I've never seen a man turn a woman off with such skill". This line connected with the line from Marisol are both callbacks to Eddie's series-long issue with dating women. We get this in conjunction with Buck pointing out that Eddie doesn't really date these women he's in relationships with. He's just with them due to circumstances. Even if the circumstances are of his own making (which could be a symptom of compulsory heterosexuality). Eddie has never once talked about dating women like he's actually attracted to women. I'm so sorry. AND combined with the line where Buck and Eddie actually acknowledge that Eddie wasn't really with Shannon because he wanted to be with her but because of the family they accidentally created. All of this in ONE episode leading up to this line where it's heavily implied that Eddie's skill is his inability to turn women on, and to actually be able to turn them all the way off. And I'm just going to say it, but this line HEAVILY implies queerness. This is the kind of line you'd expect someone to say to a gay man or someone who doesn't actually want the sexual attention of a woman. This, again, in conjunction with Eddie not being able to tell the difference between a date with a woman vs. a man, is all too pointed.

This line alone in a vacuum could maybe not mean queerness, but alongside the whole rest of the episode where beat after beat after beat implies that Eddie has in fact NEVER been in a relationship with a woman 100% of his own active desire for her as a person and not just for what she can provide to his or his son's life?

This points to a very particular direction with Eddie that I'm expecting to see him fight against really hard this season. I would not be surprised if he ends up holding onto Marisol as the last shreds of perceived "normalcy" (ie. heterosexuality) are being threatened. Hopefully, he'll be able to reconcile the truth by the end of the season or going into season 8.

God this is so long and we haven't even gotten to the buddifer scene yet. This part will be a bit more condensed because I'm not really analyzing Chris as a character here or his relationship with Shannon. Maybe I will later.

I'm really loving seeing Christopher become his own person this season. But what really fascinates me here is Chris as a parallel to both Buck and Eddie. Christopher's abandonment trauma is starting to manifest in him through his choices with his love life. The same thing happened with Buck and with Eddie individually. Buck's trauma growing up informed his choices of sleeping around and seeking love from a myriad of individuals who didn't necessarily have his best interest at heart. Eddie's trauma manifested in him being so self-sacrificing that he can't ever choose a relationship for himself, but it always has to be in service of someone else or in pursuit of a perceived "Normal" standard.

In this case with Chris, his trauma is manifesting in a way more similar to Buck's, which is another reason why it's so perfect to see Buck being the one to discuss this with Chris, even though they don't necessarily delve too deep into it. There's no question Buck sees his own issues reflected in Chris. This has been true since 4x08 Breaking Point when Chris runs to Buck's house and confides in Buck his worries about people leaving him. Chris demonstrates a similar issue that Buck and Eddie both hold individually. That being the notion that "it doesn't matter what I do, or how good of a person I am, or how good of a partner I am, I am not worth staying for."

But the difference here is that Eddie and Buck, like the amazing co-parents they are, recognize the problem and take steps to address Christopher's trauma in a way that gives Chris autonomy and isn't condescending or out to make Christopher feel bad about making mistakes. The Buckley parents and the Diaz parents both failed Buck and Eddie in these ways because they blamed their children, never actually took the time to see the underlying issues let alone address them, and made them feel like everything was their fault, even going so far as to actively put their children down over and over and over again. Eddie and Buck get the beautiful chance to break the cycle here with Chris and get to be the parents that they never had.

It was so amazing to watch this episode with Buck and Eddie being supportive partners to each other and supportive parents to Christopher. It was an episode of growth just as much as it was an episode of reintroduction to a new audience. It was also extremely telling of what the future conflicts and themes will likely continue to be for Buck and Eddie for the rest of this season. I'm so excited to see what the rest of this season brings! And thank you from the bottom of my heart, ABC.

[bridgetoesoteria]

✨Toxicity✨: What would have happened if you stayed?

Helloo. So this is going to be for anyone who feels in two minds about their decision to walk away from a situation.

Sorry in advance, the piles are so long! I really meant to be more succinct. So, grab a snack or break up the reading ahah 😅.

This can be used for any kind of situation: professional, romantic, platonic, etc. Options are left to right. Hope it resonates :)

For the collective: P.S.I took time out to do a guided meditation to connect with my intuition. So some of you may benefit from that. Some personal messages came through for me as well. So your guides probably want to connect with you too. I used a guided meditation on YouTube but feel free to do whatever resonates best with you.

Without further ado 🙇‍♀️🎩 ...

Pile 1

**TW: Substance Abuse**Off the bat: So before I even really began the reading, I was channeling Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's. So idk if that is relevant somehow. I was thinking of a lot of early 2000s songs. I feel very eager and excited. So maybe some of you left home behind to chase your dreams in someway. So, every win is a little bittersweet. Honestly, its such a vibe rn. I'm feeling chill, room is dimly lit, there's thin swirls of smoke coming from the burning sage...

4-card spread: Ace of Disks, The High Priestess, Prince of Cups, 7 of Disks. Bottom of Deck is Knight of Wands.

So, for context I'm using The Urban Tarot Deck. I feel like the imagery really helps with this pile. Its a Thoth inspired deck so the names for the cards are a little different. I read Knights as Kings and Princes as Knights.

All right, so right away I feel kind of confined. I don't think you would have had a horrible life or situation but it would not have been all that you needed. You would continue secretly dreaming of the life that you truly want. Whatever that means to you. I say this because the woman on the high priestess card looks very dreamy. Like she stole away and ran herself a bath just to have a few moments of solitude. But with the "knight of cups" right next to her--which is another card that can signify illusions, fantasies, daydreaming--it feels like she's dreaming of what could have been. And what could still be!

I always read this knight of cups as an amateur filmmaker. Someone just starting out, perhaps a little pretentious, but their intentions are in the right place. The fact that its a card that isn't fully mature, like a king of cups for instance, makes it seem tangible. So the woman isn't jumping to the ultimate end goal, but what could reasonably happen. This dream just lives in her head. Something she keeps for herself.

This is supported by the ace of disks (pentacles) and the 7 of disks. The 7 of pentacles can show patience as you wait on your investments or considering whether you invest or not. Aces are new starts. So, you would still be thinking about whatever alternative option you rejected to stay. Maybe you would know its still on the table and that's why you toy with the idea as a contingency plan. You know your growth is being stunted. Honestly for this group I think you were meant to leave. I don't think you would ever have been able to throw away this opportunity.

The king of wands is passionate and action oriented. This is how you would yearn to be. An energy like this cannot be contained. For some of you this may be referring to leaving a family dynamic or hometown behind. Right under the king is the 8 of cups reversed. With the imagery, I'm getting substance abuse problems. Maybe its common where you're from, alcoholism in particular. With it reversed, I think you would want to cut ties once and for all. Like just ghost friends, cousins, maybe even a partner. Like its the sort of thing where there may be all this lore associated with your name back home.

You will see what you could turn out like and decide to just go. For some this could relate to a job too. Maybe you see how the job consumes people around you, people lose relationships, some may get depressed, start drinking. You might have "noped" out of that and decided to carve your own path.

For those resonating with more of a family dynamic, I think you might experience some kind of loss. The kind of loss that acts as the straw that breaks the camel's back. Like I'm hearing "well, if Granny G/GG ain't here anymore, wtf am I doing here?" For others you could experience some kind of deep betrayal like a cheating spouse, a backstabbing best friend. And it will just make you go "fuck it" and choose yourself. You might not even be about all that lovey-dovey crap anyway.

Oracle Message: The oracle cards basically repeated the same message: Imposter Syndrome, Forever a Phoenix, and Emergence. Its literally what I- like look at this: "Sometimes you can't save it. Sometimes you have to take what's left and what lessons you have learned and simply just watch the rest burn to the ground." (Forever a Phoenix) The message of feeling confined comes up as well. The emergence card depicts a butterfly woman emerging from her cocoon. It's giving...I REST MY CASE.

Pile 2

Off the bat: A lot of you could be watching for an academic or professional situations. It reminds me of when I had to choose another school over my first choice. In hindsight, that was the best decision I could have made. I now can truly understand the saying "thank god for unanswered prayers." A move could be significant in someway so maybe some of you relocated or chose to stay where you are.

4-card spread: 9 of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, The Moon, The Hanged Man. Bottom of deck is The Fool.

I immediately started to feel a lot of anxiety. My chest feels kind of tight. If you hadn't left maybe you would have dealt with a lot of anxiety or panic attacks. I feel like the environment would have been stifling. A lot of major arcanas in a spread can sometimes signify stability or a lack of change. So if you are watching for a professional situation (academic counts too), you might not have progressed. This could look like never being given promotions. For others I am getting a combo of work and school like a dance academy or something. In a situation like this may always skip over you when it comes time for assigning solos. There is also a lot of romantic energy coming through but please consider how it resonates for your situation.

I also think something about remaining in whatever this is, would have caused you to doubt yourself. The moon and the wheel of fortune side by side could hint at emotional or mental instability. While I do read the wheel as a positive card, because it is something that is always turning, it can also represent a certain predictable unpredictability. The 9 of wands reinforces the message about being on guard. I think it would have been really exhausting to keep up with this toxicity indefinitely.

If this represents a romantic "third party" situation, the affair would have continued in the same way it was going. This applies regardless of which side of the third party you fall on. So if you were in a relationship with the person already, they would keep cheating. Or you would never be able to relax because you'd always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. Always on the look out for signs they're back to their old ways and never fully being able to trust them. No relationship can thrive in the those circumstances. So it would leave you frozen in this state of constant misery.

For others, if you resonate with being the person they snuck around with or if you were one of the many people they were entertaining, they would have kept that up, unfortunately. You would probably get resentful eventually. You may not even get any kind of title that would hint at some kind of significance to your relationship. They would not show the kind of effort that makes you go, "wow, they really value me and want to make this connection work". Nope, with the wheel and the fool. They would want to continue popping in and out with no thought to how it could throw you off balance. They could ghost. Your self-esteem and ability to ground yourself would really suffer.

This could also apply for situations where cheating wasn't the issue or at least it wasn't the only one. If the other person was rude, or controlling, or just awful, that would have continued. It would be you giving up parts of yourself and your peace to keep things afloat. They would still poster like they are "self-made" and like they're a great person.

Oracle Message: I haven't pulled anything yet but some of you may benefit from meditating. If this is something you have been practicing and wonder if there's any point, there is but the benefits are cumulative. So, you have to stick with it. Same with therapy, fitness journeys, or health journeys. Any kind of self-care. You just gotta be consistent. I am pulling from my affirmation cards deck. I'm going to insert a pic. "Today I am responsible" and "today I am at peace" came out together. My intentions were to read these cards as if they came out reversed. So with that in mind, you would have continued being in a lot drama and back and forth. The situation would be detrimental to your mental health and possibly physical health. Think a partner or friend that uses substances and so it makes it easier for you to get into. You might not get as much joy out of life and work would be unfulfilling. Overall, you would not experience much growth as a person.

Pile 3

Off the bat: I am getting more relationship and love energy. But if you are here for something nonromantic, just change the love stuff to fit your situation. Many of you are here for friends or significant others. For some of you, this reading may not be "that deep." Like perhaps this is just a crush that you moved on from and you're wondering what could have happened with them. Others you might have left a party and you're trying to quash the feelings of FOMO lol. Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls could be significant for some reason.

4-card spread: 10 of Swords, Ten of Cups, Ace of Swords, King of Pentacles. Bottom of deck is 4 of Cups.

I just want to note that the king of pentacles came out sideways. So if there is a flakey or unreliable person in this situation, they would have let you down. So for some resonating with a party or a gathering, if you wanted to stay because a friend or a crush was there, they might have ended up ditching you anyway. You could have stayed and realized this person was not even available, so perhaps they came with someone else. You might have just ended up bored, in your feelings, and way too drunk.

Next, if this was someone that was breadcrumbing you or kind of one foot in, one foot out, they have the potential to really disappoint you. I say this because of the sideways king of pentacles, ten of swords, 4 of cups, and the 6 of pentacles right under the 4 of cups. So you could have ended up feeling unfulfilled emotionally or practically (e.g. quality time). This other person could be kind of cocky, especially if they have a lot of other friend or dating options.

For others of you, staying could have led to pregnancy or children in some way. So this could be a partner or spouse that you considered staying with. A few examples I am getting: Having a child with this person, staying with them and starting a family, finding out they had a child or family with someone else.

The storyline is kind of splitting at this point. Some of this could resonate or none of it, so trust your gut. There's a group of you where things would not have been that bad. This is only for people who had a decent relationship with the person. Maybe the main issue was that you both weren't mature enough or stable enough to have a baby or a super serious relationship. This pregnancy would make you two very happy and would bring you closer together. Even if you ended up co-parenting, I think it would be okay for the most part.

Now, for the other half of the storyline...it's not such a happy ending. If something told you this person was not reliable enough to have a family with, that was likely the truth. They seem like the sort of person that would seem cool to start. They would act like they are going to step up. Think coming around your family more, being present for first ultrasounds, looking at apartments with you. I do think there would still be an air of detachment though. Unfortunately, this person gives me the vibe that they would just go cold. Like they may start off seeming bored, then escalate to "no call, no show" type of behavior, culminating in them ghosting or being very hard to reach. They aren't as ready as they seem and you would be mostly on your own. Whether this means as a single parent or them letting your relationship fall apart. They could continue posting online with their friends, when you were supposed to go to an open house, or crib shopping, or having your baby shower...you get the idea.

Oracle Message: I am pulling from a non tarot deck. I will insert a picture of the cards. It would be a lot to type out in order to explain properly. 😅You could resonate with certain cards more than others. (OMG you know what I just realized. I was getting Bubbles earlier and isn't that what Summer Walker calls her baby? If you know about her and her relationship drama, that could be more confirmation.) For some of you, you could see "what could have been," reflected in one of your friend's life. Maybe they made the opposite decision than you. The cards talking about fate lead me to believe that maybe things worked out in your best interests. In hindsight, you might be able to see how you dodged a bullet. Perhaps you would have had to sacrifice your goals, boundaries, or self-love. The other person seems really messy. The first, third, and sixth card make me think that. The first card is again making me feel like they could have a group that they run with that probably isn't the best influence. Maybe they have a lot of run-ins with the law. Impulsivity and recklessness could be the norm with this person. Also, it would probably be very hard to trust this person. Specifically, it would be veryy hard to trust they will change. You could have the same conversations and just go around in circles with no results. The trust question makes me think of couples counseling and the card next to it reminds me of individual counseling. You would probably get more out of one-on-one counseling. Whatever decision you made here was the right one.

I've been considering offering personals. I would probably put a quota on certain readings just so we are all "consuming responsibly", so to say. It would also just make me feel more a little more comfy. Boundaries were the main reason I stopped doing readings for anyone besides myself. I need to have my ducks in a row so for now it's just a thought.

Anywhoo 🦉 I've got soo many more readings planned. The last one from the poll will be a classic love reading. I will probably do another poll so keep an eye out for that! 💋

~K

[smoshsfavoritepizzaplace]

Smosh confessions:

1) I'm so bored of Shayne and Amanda being paired together. They're fun, but their vibe is the exact same in EVERYYY video and they're in soooo many videos together. Especially ones where it's just them two. I wind up skipping those because I already know it's going to be them riffing off each other and saying "wait wait" for 40+ minutes.

2) I don't think Noah is the mustache-twirling cartoon villain fandom makes him out to be. He had a passionate reaction very early on, like almost everyyyyone did before we all learned of the propaganda of it all and who the real terrorists were, but his message has always been about peace above all else. I understand wanting to make sure you're not actively supporting someone who supports genocide, but there's zero indication that he does. And I think the fact that he's still in Smosh videos is less of "they can't fire him, it would be discrimination!" and more "hey, these people actually know him as a human being and not Guy Who Liked Those Tweets on Oct 7th." Everyone who has been vocally pro-Palestine in the cast has ALSO been buddy-buddy with Noah. He was at Shayne and Courtney's freaking wedding party. So either the cast are morally corrupt hypocrites, or there's nuance here.

God you guys are making some valid points so far. I don’t wanna say I’m personally tired of shaymanda but I could see why you would be based on your reasoning. It does kinda seem most of their dynamic is just Amanda not knowing certain things and in your words, Shayne saying “wait, you don’t know about ____?!??” It can be somewhat tiring at times but aside from that I do like their friendship. It’s definitely grown since they share having a podcast/a game to play together so that’s the better part of their dynamic.

Now onto Noah, I understand what you’re saying but I feel a lot of people are mad at Noah because I don’t think he’s apologized yet or shown any sort of growth from the whole ordeal. And it does make sense that the other Smosh cast are still friends w/ him because at the end of the day, they may not share the same views on certain things but as you said, they know him personally and maybe he’s a phenomenal friend and that overpowers what his views. I’m not saying I agree with that but I tend to notice a lot of people don’t mind what their friends think, as long as they’re good to them. Does it make it right? No. But it’s normalized within a lot of friend groups. And I don’t think unfriending Noah is as easy as people think. This is someone a portion of the cast has known for almost a decade so it’s gonna be hard to not be close w/ him, especially if they still work together. Lastly, I think everyone has the power to change as long as they actually make an effort to. So maybe since Smosh is advocating for Palestine now, they’re trying to show him what way is right. Not defending him but since he’s Jewish, he probably has 2 decades worth of hearing a bias so he’s not gonna change overnight. So idk I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m on his side, I’m not. I just have a problem giving everyone the benefit of the doubt until they really give me reason to not and I try to see everything from both sides.

[ofmdsalt]

Hey, I really liked your take about how Ed could have gone on a self discovery journey instead of ending up with Stede so I'm curious, how do you view Ed and Stede's relationships? TBH my interpretation is that lots of people in the fandom need to like...stop putting romantic love on this pedestal and understand that self and platonic love is equally important and media always skews our perception and the importance of romantic love in negative ways (I mean, there are literally academic articles written about stuff like this). And sure! a big part of fandom is the shipping! and a big part of the show is their eventual relationship! but idk like sure its nice to see and read but in irl I know lots of friends who fell into toxic and dangerous relationships because they were unhealthy and needed some growth and I've even lost a few friends to relationships that me, and our other friends, disapproved of. Some of those friends have even come back years later to apologize while others just unfortunately lost their entire support networks (friends, colleagues, and family) and still are in those relationships. Which like yeah in fandom i love the "us against the world" mentally but irl doesn't work that way. idk sorry for rambling, but would love to hear your thoughts.

sorry i left you on read for so long, anon! had to think this one through a bit.

so for those who don't know, they're talking about this post that i made. that was immediately screenshotted and taken out of context by implying that i said Ed needs to be 100% perfectly healed before going into a relationship. which is. a take. i won't go much into it, but this is a perfect opportunity for me to expand on that!

what i love in fandoms are long winded character studies. so a fic focused more on an individual person where the relationship (if there is one at all) is secondary. i've written such stories before because sometimes i like exploring an individual character and getting to know what makes them tick. what i wanted to get into with the post linked above is why do we immediately assume that a relationship between Ed and Stede is going to 'fix' them? both of them are in a period of flux within their lives. Stede has lived in a hetero marriage that was, as far as we can tell, fairly miserable and detached for both parties.

he then leaves them (lbr, abandons is a better word for it) to play pirate and put himself and others lives at risk because he does not know anything about the world he's gotten himself into

then we have Ed. a man who's reputation precedes him but who is also strangled and suffocated by this image that he's in. he's Blackbeard first and Ed second.

i can really resonate with both these characters and their struggles to understand who they are and need to be seen as who they want to be. it's a tale as old as time in terms of identity. and then when you add the complexities of a relationship into the mix of Stede realizing he's gay and Ed seeing that he doesn't need to be Blackbeard (but who is he really without Blackbeard?) it makes i all the more interesting

and then season 2 happens and packs in a whole lot of unearned character development due to budget cuts and a slashed screentime.

their relationship was never going to be perfect. no relationship is. but if that's how Ed reacted when Stede abandoned him, Ed should honestly be given the time to reflect on who he is now beyond Blackbeard. beyond being Ed&Stede, a romantic relationship. because the constant hammering home of 'it's the Ed and Stede show' reduces the complexities of these characters to a point where they no longer exist outside of each other. and i think that's really disheartening

why not give Ed a chance to discover himself? why not have him assert that he scared himself during his bender at the beginning of season 2? if he reacted that poorly to Stede's rejection, what will happen if they do break up? i think it's perfectly fine to ask and wonder if Ed should be by himself for a bit.

realizing you're not ready for a relationship can be a big moment of growth for people. knowing how to be alone, how to comfort yourself, how to be by yourself is good and healthy. and it's totally up to all of us to decide when we are ready to be in a relationship again.

i just wish this fandom didn't hit so many over the head with the assertion that Ed and Stede must be together no matter the cost. because sometimes that's not the best way forward and there's nothing wrong in taking more time to find yourself

[bisluthq]

Something I don’t like about the internet is that everyone seems to think that every single person should support you through your mental health struggles. It’s a nice thing to do and people who love you do usually stay by your side, but it can get to a point where you’re affecting their mental health and it’s fair and healthy for them to leave. So much of the discourse around Joe and Taylor seems to be that he didn’t support her based on the line “I know my pain is such an imposition”. But it’s totally fair if he can’t deal with it.

I would also like to add that, in my opinion, everything she says in that song (that line but also “I wouldn’t marry me either”) is what she thinks he’s thinking, not necessarily how he actually felt. It doesn’t sound like he said that to her, but whatever he did (or didn’t do) made her feel like her pain was an imposition and like he didn’t want to marry her, whether that’s true or not.

so I’ve been going to couples therapy (second time today, we’re doing a course of 5 and will then see) and she has a few things she’s said - she’s super great - that really stuck out to me. One of them is that we all have our own story and a lot of the time our story is informed by what we’re thinking and our pasts and shit and has fuck all to do with what our partner (or really anyone we have relationships with - broadest sense) is thinking. That’s been really powerful for us because we’ll say something to each other in the session and she interrupts like “so that’s the story you're (me for example) telling, what’s the story you (him for example) hear?” And like a lot of the time it’s vastly different stuff. With Taylor, I think the stories she tells herself are very powerful because the stories she tells us are lol and that’s a watered down version of what she’s thinking and feeling and believing. But they’re HER stories. And I think I’ve always been saying that but I’ve become more aware of it in this therapy bout right because I’ve never done a couples thing before and so I’ve pretty much always told my story only.

like to give a random example right one of the issues we’re dealing with in therapy is my tendency to binge drink and that’s something I’m dealing with on my own time also but some of the stuff he’s upset about didn’t make any sense to me when he got mad originally (which is why we’re in therapy now). For example, one time we were out with friends and he wanted to go home and I didn’t and he said “I’m cold, let’s go” and I said “I’ve still got half a glass of wine left”. What I meant is “I want to stay at this restaurant longer, I’m still having fun” and what he heard - because of his own cockroaches in his head and like his alcoholic SIL and BIL and actually his ex wife and shit - is “I’m prioritizing alcohol over you and your comfort because I want to keep drinking.” That genuinely wasn’t what I meant, but it’s what he heard and that’s valid right like because we all hear different shit. We all have these things right and our stories and whatnot. We only EVER hear Taylor’s story on her lyrics and that’s FINE but it’s not the absolute truth because there’s no such thing? Like in real life personal relationships there’s no objective single truth?

the other thing the therapist talks about a lot is how every relationship requires a lot of work. people all come into the relationship with their own baggage and preconceptions and ideas around shit and even if you don’t fight or talk about it, resentment grows. My bf and I do fight lol that’s why we’re in therapy and she says conflict is an opportunity to resolve that stuff instead of letting it fester and yeah I mean that’s why we went to therapy. I’ve been in prior relationships where there was no fighting but a GREAT deal of resentment on my side and no opportunities for growth or fixing it idk. To me, YLM sounds like that kind of relationship. “How can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying” idk dude because you haven’t told him and he’s not a mind reader? And I say that with 0 judgment but like that’s legit a problem.

finally I think Swifties need to realize Taylor’s partners have their own stuff going on and like no they can’t just orbit around Taylor. That wouldn’t be healthy at all? You can’t exist in a happy relationship purely to satisfy your partner like you both need to do shit idk.

[verybadatcardgames]

For 001, I'm curious about your thoughts on Puzzleship(Yugi/Atem(Yami Yugi)) and Sightship (Isis/Pegasus).

I'll talk about Sightshipping in a separate ask by @kira-quartz since they wanted to know about that ship too

Puzzleshipping

when I started shipping it if I did: I don't personally ship it or regularly consume content of this ship, but I understand the appeal and why people like it.

my thoughts: I have a lifelong condition called "Protagonist Blindness" that renders me with the inability to fixate on characters the creator intended to be the main focus of the story. Instead, I hyperfixate on minor/supporting/background characters, with rare exceptions.

So I don't really have any in depth thoughts on Puzzleshipping. It's not that I don't care. I'm just drawing a blank with this prompt. Sorry What makes me happy about them: I'm glad they both experienced character growth as the series went on. It's ironic that Yuugi became more independent and confident in his abilities by having a constant companion in his life, and Atem grew to have more empathy and kindness in knowing Yuugi.

Hey, look, I guess I do have thoughts about this.

What makes me sad about them: The thought of Yuugi taking a moment to look for the Millennium Puzzle as he's getting ready to start his school day, wondering to himself why he can't he find it anywhere, then coming back to the realization the Puzzle has been buried in Egypt for weeks. things done in fanfic that annoys me: I think this was more of an annoying trend that took place in the early 2000s. At the very least, I'm not aware of it being as frequent as it was back then, anyway. The "trend" being: writers throwing Anzu under the bus and making her out to be some sort of bigot or yaoi blocking Anti-Christ as a means to prop up any m/m ship related to Yuugi and Atem. There was a big misogynistic vibe going on where Anzu-bashing was fairly prevalent and I'm happier to see it gone (or nowhere near as frequent as it was back then).

You don't need to butcher and demonize a teenage girl in order to build up a m/m ship. It's okay to stay friends and date other people. Tis all I am saying. things I look for in fanfic: I don't read Puzzleship fic so idk what I'd be looking for.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Yuugi/Dark Magician and Atem/Mahad or Atem/Bakura

... What? My happily ever after for them: I'm sure people are going to be pissed with me saying this, but I think the anime series wrapped both their character arcs up alright and I don't think of their interactions beyond the conclusion.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: There is no big spoon or little spoon. They are both the spoon and the reflection. They are the spoon and the spoon is they.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Deck building. Not even because the fate of the world is at stake, but because a new set just came out and they want to exploit whatever broken AF cards Pegasus OK'd this time around.

[alyjojo]

The Person On Your Mind in November 👁️ 2023 - Libra

Whole of their energy towards Libra: The Hanged Man

Feelings: 8 Cups

Intentions: 6 Wands rev & 2 Pentacles

Actions: 5 Wands

You’ve got “superficial” on your side and Knight of Wands rev, I’m going to guess this was a 3rd party situation, and you’re perceived as a fkboy/girl to this person. They’re going through a massive spiritual awakening that will undoubtedly change them going forward, they’re working on healing themselves, possibly have already in some ways, and I get no interaction between the two of you.

How they feel is that this is done and there are no repeats. One of you has another person and they show up as the Pentacles pair, so this Queen of Cups is the outside party to a coupled up situation, and this person is having nothing to do with that, no matter who is who. They intend for this to fail, or it already has and they accept it. If you’re with someone, they may wonder if you’re ever going to leave that person. If they’re with someone, they don’t even question it, they’re happy where they are. In action, they’re inwardly conflicted about talking to you at all, they see you as unreliable, or they feel they know some “truth” they’ve come to in their own mind. If you communicate first, they may argue with you for a minute, maybe about whatever happened, or why, before they just leave again. At least for now, this probably isn’t going anywhere.

Messages:

Their side:

- Excellent Cook 🥘

- My heart wasn’t truly in this.

Your side:

- Superficial

- You are my path.

Possible signs:

Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio & Leo

If you’re dealing with:

The Sun ☀️ illuminates your social groups, family and friends, showing a lot of happiness in your relationships, or some things coming to light, could be that too. You feel confident and happy when you’re around your people, many of your relationships are largely supportive, and you could be getting a lot of attention this month.

Aries - spending most of their time at work, or working towards a promotion, they’re busy 💯

Taurus - expecting to cooperate with you but they’re waiting on you for something, could be waiting for you to get over something you’re mad about. If that’s switched lol good luck, it’s Taurus 😆

Gemini - could be this person, they’re taking some time away to heal and put some love & effort into their own heart, which had been left feeling drained & they’ve lost their confidence

Cancer - planning something related to love, whether that’s with you or not, if you’re not with them yet you’re on their radar 😍

Leo - couldn’t be happier, you two could be traveling together or visiting each other

Virgo - a secret is coming to light but it feels like a good one with The Star ⭐️ clarifying, could be telling you about a dream of theirs or a wish is coming true in some area, with you?

Libra - has a crush on you but is weighed down and burdened by insecurity & all sorts of issues they need to release - Devil energy

Scorpio - an emotional manipulator that comes around for a good time not a long time, or switch it - Justice can be severing ties with this person, karma on your side, or you making the final decision here

Sagittarius - has healed but still isn’t speaking

Capricorn - almost the exact same energy as Sco, you’ll see through their head games and bs eventually, could lovebomb and mess with your head, could be just love attention from any direction. Narcissistic or immature idk you would know.

Aquarius - a lot of financial growth, they’re busy with something that’s creative or abundant for them in some way

Pisces - has a new job, making a large purchase, telling you about a new opportunity, could also be offering one to you, or gifting you with something

[joyboythehopepunk]

the color of growth

the color of growth by donovan melero

it's one of those emotive songs that helps me feel things i normally put to the side. not sure if anyone else does this. where you just get into one of those moods.. where you have to think about/feel the things that are bothering you?

it used to be more self destructive for me than listening to a sad song or two. i used to be an alcoholic. i used to be depressed and a little bipolar.

but i'm autistic with cptsd. being in fucked up situations really does a number on me in a way it doesn't seem to mess with other people. that is why i have only been in handful of relationships.

things affect me much more intensely.

at first i thought i was just a highly sensitive person. well. at first i just thought i was a moody weirdo who happened to be intelligent.

anyway.. this part of my self discovery journey only began in earnest with a failed relationship. i had to know what was wrong with me.

but... just as i'd feared: nothing is more wrong with me than anyone else. i only confirmed i am fucked up. like everyone else. just in a different way. definitely less fucked up than the general public.

that was this issue, ultimately. if you're closer to health and your society is mostly sick.. you look more damaged. you look like the crazy one. but you're actually sane. more sane than any peers you've had. i'm also a statistical anomaly in a way, too. being mixed, trans, and disabled is common on this hellsite.

but lgbtq people, brown people, and neurodivergent people are technically still minorities.

anyway.. my journey has been a long one. and it isn't over yet.

the color of growth is a sad song about the loss of love and regret. which is mainly what I feel when i think of her. the one that really hurt me. for some reason.. it seems to hurt more than anything i can remember in a long time. and yeah, i know autistic people experience trauma more extremely.. but oof.

ramble. it wasn't just my fault. i know that. i just wish i could find someone who is as patient and considerate as i am. i make an excellent lover. it is too bad people keep proving me right about their characters. but we all have fucked up things going on. idk.

i'm tired of being alone. i have been alone my whole life - unlike others. no real emotional/mental support my whole life. was barely taken care of as a child. as an adult i've had no real friends/family.

people make me uncomfortable. and with how i've seen them treat one another (except in rare instances) it is understandable. why anyone would be wary. and maybe that is why people don't really seem to value relationships as much as they say.

but i am a voidpunk/spiritual being. i've never looked at humans the same way as other people. i value life, i really do. i probably value the connections more than normal. i see peoples' humanity more than normal.

but lately.. lately i have grown more detached. bc i just don't have the energy to give people. bc i'm tired of being hurt and disappointed.

people who don't see me as a person. people who can't respect or give space or support me. especially when i've always been a very giving person... why should i give them consideration? other than it's the right thing to do? (which has gotten me taken advantage of and misunderstood too)

always in lop-sided relationships. (bc people expect something specific out of me/expect more from me)

never understood or loved properly. (bc people don't know how to be there for me/love me. they only have so much space in their hearts ig)

there's no point to this post except for me to air my feelings out. it feels like i have a giant wound inside me. and tho i suspect others feel the same.. there is a difference in the clarity and magnitude of awareness.. how much we know of ourselves and others deepens such pain.

ah. it hurts. to think of loving and being loved in return.

(a/n: check out Aurora's Nature Boy song)

can't wait to find my companion, lover, and friend. hopefully i won't wait much longer.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide

mostly venting, but also looking for advice

the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.

and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.

ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.

along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.

and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.

and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.

It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.

When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.

It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.

Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[niaoniaos]

I only just found out about kinpuri and Tackey. I am so shocked. Would you please tell me what your conspiracy theory is 👀

holds up a mic welcome to my ted talk

my conspiracy theories have only been more solidified by several friends doing tarot readings and ALL getting internal conflict so uh. johnnys is about to go through some FUCKIN SHIT

anyways the most "conspiracy" theory i have is that i don't think the reason ren and kaito are giving for staying (to keep king & prince alive for the fans) is the full reason. the news, honestly, would've been more believable to me in the first place if johnnys said all 5 were leaving because they're so attached at the hip, but the fact ren and kaito are staying, just reads as something else to me. idk if its for Japanese trademark law idk if there something in johnnys contracts where after a certain period of time they get access to stuff but idk, ren and kaito staying and keeping the king & prince name alive gives off woohyun publicly saying he only stayed with woolim to try and get all of infinites hard drives and info more than loyalty to the company (especially since all 5 of them leaving together would mean a higher probability of a company just snatching all 5 of them versus them having to sign separately)

the other part is we know that these talks have been happening for over a year. there's no way that in that year, johnny higher ups have not been sending senpai after kinpuri to help negotiate. there's no fucking way matsujun did not talk to sho and be like. what do you want I'll help you get it. the fact that SHO AND KISHI ARE TWO OF THE THREE THAT ARE LEAVING, two of the most loyal fucking people to the company, hirano i make this company so much fucking money sho decided to leave, means that something SO BAD had to happen they couldn't be convinced to stay. i think its more than just a personal ambition to go international. something had to happen to make two of the most loyal people in that company, two of the most quintessential johnnys people want to leave.

the tackey part is while tackey was the jr CEO, there was no way he didn't know this shit was going on. personally i think tackey saw the writing on the wall with kinpuri and went i need to get traja debuted and get the fuck OUT and that's exactly what happened

honestly this is all just very stupid on johnnys part, they're going to take a very large financial hit from this and i think even more instability is going to come. a lot of the jrs wanted to be kinpuri and looked up to those memories, and its gonna shake them. not to mention kinpuri were friends with basically everyone in the company, and while we may not know the whole story I'm sure other artists in the company will find it out, and who knows what will happen with that.

will be interesting to see if theres any sort of power change that happens, especially depending on who sho/kishi/jin sign with.

also sidenote now knowing all of this, seeing how they openly interacted with genki at the racetrack event also reads like a big fuck you to johnnys as well.

ANYWAYS sho is my ult so i will very much support him regardless, but the part that makes me sad is the loss of kinpuri music, they really were stepping outside of the traditional johnnys box and having their musical growth cut so short is just so sad to me.

[local-queer-classicist]

I need more people to know that my little brother (6'1", 20-something, but still little in my heart) is the best fucking dude ever. Just an amazing little guy. He listens and empathizes with people and meets them where they’re at and accommodates people’s needs and he’s so nonjudgmental and he’s studying sustainable economic development to help make the world both greener and more equitable through the power of calculus or something and he’s by far the most accepting family member I have and he’s just such a good bean and I love him so much.

Storytime to support this characterization of him as “good bean”:

So I recently adopted a nickname (for trans reasons), and I let the family (sans dad because I’m a coward) know about it. I specified that I didn’t really expect any of them to use it, just wanted them to know that that was a nickname that might be in circulation among friends so they wouldn’t be confused if it came up with other people. It didn’t go great. My mom specifically hates the name I chose because it’s a “boy name” (no shit lol) among other reasons and has done nothing but suggest alternatives that she personally likes better (and express offense that I didn’t include her in the name selection process from the beginning because she knows some trans people do that and thus feels wronged that I didn’t), my sister isn’t really talking to me now (she literally just chose a name for her upcoming baby, so the timing is a bit unfortunate since the idea that I wouldn’t love the name my mother chose for me at birth is a bit touchy for her right now; I’m sure she’ll come around when she’s had time to process…probably), but my brother. My brother, everyone.

He texted me, privately, within minutes, to let me know how much he loves me and supports me and then sent me a screenshot of my new name in his phone. Just. Guys. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

I know that that’s like bare-minimum behavior in more supportive environments, but it’s such a rarity around here. We didn’t grow up like that, and that’s why I love that that was his immediate response, because I recognize that he had to put in work on his own to blossom into someone who responds that way, and I love that he took the time to do that because he wants to be better than the values we were raised with and learning to listen and be kind and support people’s attempts to be happy was something that he saw as worth the effort to do. Does that make sense? I hope that made sense.

Idk I just really felt like gushing for a second about my brother. I just have so much faith in him as a person to succeed and put so, so much good back into the world and I love that for him. He was also kind of a menace back in the day, so this doubles as a story of successful character growth. You, too, could grow up to find that your gremlin siblings have become chad support systems. Be inspired or something idk.

[gothic-galene]

Future spouse predictions

☆ 🖇️ 𖥻 ＜꒱                PAID SERVICES

Pile 1

Meeting and the energy surrounding it:

Villain energy from you, you might meet this person during a very sad time of your life. You might be in an anti-romantic phase or just be in a casual dater phase is what I'm picking up on, you might be spending a lot of time with your friends as well. Your person is likely very responsible. You or they might be saturn dominant. You'll be feeling like you have new ideas about healing yourself and becoming better but don't have the resources or growth is just blocked for some reason. I feel like a gap of some sort between you and your immediate friend group or your family might be the reason you end up getting close to this person. You will be feeling really wronged by someone (I'm getting a group of people tbh) and they'll be like a place for you to let it out. The fact that your person is taking the middle path instead of wholeheartedly and blindly supporting you and hating on the ones that wronged you is going to get you all riled up and you might not want to date them. You might act like you're not interested in them and stuff because you might have to compete for them. They might be casually going out with other people and be very busy with work or education which will leave you sad too. I'm getting the relationship starting a bit more slowly even though you'll definitely like them from the start. They might be starting a new career when you meet. You might meet them when you're younger as well.They might also introduce you to their friends or you might meet through mutual friends.

Personality:

I feel like your person was someone who was talented even during their younger days. Leonardo DiCaprio and an aquarius classmate came to my mind for some reason (might have air placements.) Their personality is going to impact your creativity, confidence and self esteem. You might find yourself questioning your self worth because of them. They'll be the type to provide you with the emotions and communication that you need. You're going to love how fun loving they are for sure. They're an incredibly patient and understanding person when it comes to you.

Trope:

The both of you might have a slow burn relationship trope. I'm getting the both of you liking each other a lot but you being scared of the heartbreak that might follow the happiness and the both of you caring a lot about each other. You'll want to protect this person and be there for them later on but at the beginning they might be the only one who's aware of the depth of the connection between the both of you. When you finally figure your shit out, this person will be done with the whole situation, the both of you will probably reunite after a few years again. I'm getting they'll try to make things work between the both of you but it'll be very difficult for the both of you and then they'll finally run out of patience. You'll be having a hard time when it comes to trusting them. They'll be able to sense and almost clearly see your emotions but as humans we don't trust our intuition as much as logic so they won't be entirely sure as to whether or not you're feeling how they think you are feeling, they might find you a bit indecisive and toxic but they'll just choose to accept you and love you regardless of how bright and obvious your red flags are at that time. I'm picking up friends to lovers for some of you.

Random stuff that might hold significance:

Reading, hugs, bookstore dates, skeleton (idk maybe a t-shirt or a literal skeleton), greek statues, friends to lovers, anger lash outs, pearls, black nails, Harry styles or one direction concert, band tshirt?

Pile 2

Meeting and the energy surrounding it:

I'm getting your soulmate being stuck in a rut during the time the both of you meet. They might have a fear of change during that time. My advice is for the both of you to go with the flow. You're not going to be in a good place either though, a time of anxiety will have finally passed you. Both of your self doubt will prevent the meeting for quite some time. You'll both be confused about each other's feelings and intentions. I feel like the both of you will like each other romantically before even knowing anything about each other but you'll approach each other as friends at the beginning to not scare the other away. Definitely going to meet as co-workers, some sort of gathering or mutual friends.

Personality:

Your person has a habit of not reaching out first, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think they are pretty logical and might have difficulty with feminine qualities such as emotions, empathy, reading inbetween the lines, etc. They might lack creativity and be the type to go straight into getting the job done. I feel like they'll be working towards freeing themselves from the mental rut when you meet them. They might come off really distant. They can give up too easily when it comes to romantic relationships.

Trope:

A lot of miscommunication, you'll have opportunities but will occasionally (pretty constantly tbh) ghost each other, I'm getting the both of you not even noticing the other ghosting you because you're ghosting them too. Mixed communication, you don't understand if this person hates you, likes someone else, likes you or you're just overthinking everything. One or both of you are going to be very career oriented, it might prevent your meeting for a while or simply just create a lot of frustration to the other party. They'll definitely teach you how to go forward and make a move towards people you're interested in (even platonically.) They'll also help you become more ambitious. I'm not getting anything about the way you might end up dating.

Random stuff that might hold significance:

Chokers, saudade: a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved then lost; the love that remains, the black angel, grunge style, mysogynistic tendencies, leather coat and jacket, cigarettes.

Pile 3

Meeting and the energy surrounding it:

I am getting you meeting this person in the months June-July or it's just going to be hot (in case you live in the southern hemisphere, it's going to be in whatever months that are hot for you.) This person won't be able to get you off their head after meeting you for the first time. You might meet through social media or have interactions only on social media before meeting (I feel like this person is going to be popular among the people around you, your friends or coworkers might simp over them before you get involved with them.) I'm sorry but one of you is going to be involved with someone else. Someone other than the both of you is going to feel played by one of you. You're going to enjoy the date though, it's like everything becomes soft yet intense when the both of you are around. I feel like this first date is going to make the both of you feel like the both of you are already dating. Holding hands, hugging, a lot of skinship even on the first date. You might be the one to like this person first but they'll grow into liking you. They might be the kind of hate hugs and skinship but love it when it comes from you.

Personality:

Your person seems to have a similar personality to pile 2's person but more developed. Your person has a habit of not reaching out first, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think they are pretty logical and might have difficulty with feminine qualities such as emotions, empathy, reading inbetween the lines, etc. However, unlike pile 2's person they do not lack creativity. I feel like they'll be in a good place when you meet them. They might come off really distant. They can give up too easily when it comes to romantic relationships.

Trope:

I feel like the both of you might have some sort of a gap like maybe you have an age gap or you're not their usual type. I'm sorry but they might be dating other people too, this one person is standing out, they might have cat features (the third party.) They will be all lovey dovey with this person, however, your person doesn't commit unless they're sure it's going to provide the stability that they require. One or both of you might be capricorn/sagittarius moons. Your person might not want to commit but really want to commit at the same time. I feel like you won't be able to meet them for whatever reason for quite a long time and their love language might be quality time so they will get close to the third party during that time. Your person might have to move out of the town soon or something. You might meet them for the second time and you will either treat them the same way which will make them feel some way which in turn will make them question their feelings towards the third party or you won't touch them at all but will talk to them as if nothing happened but they'll be craving for your touch and you might express your emotions randomly like they might be sipping coffee and you just go "I love you, take care of yourself, I'll always be looking out for you from here." Or they'll ask you something like "why did you do that?" And you just go "because I care about you." They seem to have gotten hurt in the past. This is a very intimate relationship, both of you care about the other without even knowing it yourselves. Might dream about each other.

Random stuff that might hold significance:

Grunge jewelery, leather jacket, skirt, angel baby, us against the world, LGBTQ for some of you, Sofia (the name), heartbreak, my everything, sunshine, push and pull, confusion.

[apocalypticgargoyle]

𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙀𝙉𝘿. ҂ 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢

request:

Hi!! Idk if you’re taking requests rn lol but I was wondering if you can write a clay imagine? It can be smut or anything lol

pairing: dream x fm!reader

warnings: nsfw (18+ minors dni), smut, calling dream clay, cliche apocalypse au, blood, kinda sad ngl

word count: ~3000

links: ao3

a/n: Hi everyone. I have no idea what this is, but if you like it let me know! I was struggling with coming up with something for dream but here we are on a crackpot tangent. N E WAY, thank you for all your support and requests! Have a great week and happy reading ♡ ᵍᵉⁿᵉ

Soapy bubbles clung to your arms as you pressed your hands into the hot water, sighing as you reached the bottom of the sink. You didn’t care about the murky discoloration of the water from the stack of dishes you had just polished off. You attempted to let the stress of your day roll off your shoulders to mix into that same water. Call it a baptism, but the solace you got standing before the sink, pouring your emotions into the dark, louring water was comparable to nothing. The radio buzzed with slight static as the station attempted to break through the heavy interference.

That was until three long pulses echoed over the station, making your skin crawl as if an unseen force were intruding on your alone time. You stood up straighter, water dripping down your arms and splashing on the linoleum floor beneath you as you listened to the grizzled news broadcaster read from an obviously unedited announcement. The world outside of your apartment seemed to still, silence echoing through the streets where shrilling sirens lived only moments before.

“Breaking news… NASA has just verified that the mystery asteroid is, in fact, in danger of crashing into the Earth… As of this moment-” His voice cut out, your radio buzzing into static. In a panicked effort, you vaulted across your kitchen, slipping on the dishwater in the process as you tumbled to the ground. Before the pain could set in, you climbed to your feet, smacking your hand atop of the radio. It finally crackled back to life as you twisted at the dials feverishly. “... three days. To repeat, there is a countdown on the NASA website… take shelter when the time nears.”

Your ears rang alongside the three pulses to indicate the message was over. You were in denial, figuring there was no way this asteroid was actually going to obliterate the Earth. Surely, it was a joke. Everyone had been making memes of the space rock since it was picked up on NASA’s radar a month prior. Surely, this was just a test.

You waited for the city to come back to life, but everything remained still. After everything you’d all been through in the last year, an asteroid was going to be the end.

A sharp and urgent knock hammered against your door, making you jump a few feet in the air. Before you could move to see who it was, the person was already through the threshold. You peered around the corner of the kitchen and down the hall, your gaze meeting a pair of dark green irises. Clay’s towering figure stalked toward you, his eyes brimming with tears and panic. He pulled you into his embrace rather hurriedly, as if he’d been itching to wrap around you before he broke down.

The hint of cologne clouding the air around the two of you suggested that he was on his way out. As your hands followed their muscle memory to grip onto his clothes, he dug his face into the crook of your neck. It was becoming clear that even if you weren’t responding to your best friend’s need, he was going to take it from you.

He pulled away from you slightly. Your mind had gone completely silent as he looked at you, his attention struggling to focus on one part of your face. Your body felt numb and your tongue had gone dry. His gaze traveled towards the ground and he stepped back slightly, worry spreading across his features as he clamped his hand around your forearm.

“Why are you bleeding? What happened?” His voice cracked slightly as he dug into the drawer beside you to find a towel. You furrowed your brows before finally catching sight of the blood seeping from your arm and between his fingers. His hand was large enough that it nearly served as its own bandage.

He tugged you behind him towards your bathroom. “I fell…” You mumbled, your mind now racing with questions. Why couldn’t you feel the cut? Or his hands? He pushed you upwards to sit on the bathroom counter, his crimson hands shaking slightly as he rinsed them off. Your fingers tightened around the towel holding your wound together. As he focused on the task before him, he seemed to calm down ever so slightly. He rolled his head on his shoulders and took a deep breath to steady himself as fished through your First Aid kit.

“I was on my way to Nick’s and I heard the news. I’m…” He brought his arm up slightly to brush away a few tears against his shoulder. He pulled open a package with his teeth. You watched him carefully as he worked to clean you up. His blond locks hung over his eyes, curling around his ears and twisting about as he focused and you could almost hear his mother’s voice telling him he needed a haircut.

Your chest ached. “Clay, I think I’m having some kind of a breakdown,” you mumbled, your own eyes prickling with tears as he looked up at you quickly. Usually, you were the one that kept it together. It had been like that since the two of you were teenagers. Despite the fact that Clay’s tall, muscular stature gave off the appearance of an intimidating being. In actuality he always let his emotions get the best of him, leaving you in charge of being the rational one.

But as he patched up your arm and struggled not to fall apart, the reality was settling in to weigh heavily on your shoulders.

He began to talk softly to you---much like you usually did for him---making sure his touches were delicate and slow. While his hands were coarse from years of football and building decks with his dad in the summers when the two of you were younger, they were so tender when dealing with you. He cradled you as if you would break at the slightest flex of his finger.

“Why didn’t you just go to Nick’s?” You asked him once he’d finished bandaging your arm and had begun rewashing his hands. The scarlet water in the sink looked almost surreal after you’d been staring so long at the caliginous dishwater. He rested his hands on the edge of the sink, his eyes flashing up to look at himself in the mirror before chewing on the inside of his cheek.

Your hand traveled up his arm, his skin warm beneath your touch as you tugged on his bicep to bring him closer to you. He moved to wrap you in his embrace once again, his breath melding into your hair as his fingers closed around the fabric of your shirt. “I’d rather spend the end of the world with you,” he barely whispered, pressing a kiss to your shoulder softly.

You pulled away from him gently, his forehead moving to rest against your own. One of his hands moved to brush into your hair, his fingers finding purchase against your neck. The familiar smell of smoky vanilla and sage seeped into your mind at his closeness. You thought about your first kiss shared in “the name of science,” after you turned fourteen. Clay had been so awkward in his body at that time; his hair shaggy, stretch marks along his knees from his growth spurt, and a growing realization that you were in fact, a member of the opposite sex.

The Clay before you, even in his state of anguish and anxiety, stood with a cockiness that that Clay couldn’t have even dreamt of. His thumb glossed over your jaw, his eyes cast down as if his mind was wreaking havoc on his movements. Cautiously, you leaned towards him, sealing the space between the two of you as your lips pressed against his. The air of catastrophe seemed to dissipate around you as he pulled you tighter against him. The taste of mint and a faint whisper of fruit from the gum he always chewed blended against your tongue. Your arms moved to wrap around his waist, wanting him pressed to you as close as he could be.

He wrapped his hands around your thighs, pulling you up and into his arms as he made his way to your bedroom. As your back hit the mattress, Clay’s lips were back on yours, your fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt to tug the fabric over his head. You sighed as he hesitated before nipping at the skin of your collarbones, his tongue ghosting against any mark that formed on your skin from his teeth. You drove your hands into his hair, your fingers locking around the slight curls forming. He pushed your shirt off and you wiggled out of your sweatpants.

His hips dug into yours, the friction bringing a lazy smile to your face as you bit your lip. You tugged on his hair, making him moan into your ear to mix with his motions. “I want you, Clay,” you stated, your voice falling from your lips in a slightly deeper tone, your breathing uneven with passion. He moved to look into your eyes, pausing for a moment before his hand slid between your waistband and your hip to remove your underpants. It was clear that even as the timer clicked away the minutes the two of you had together, you wanted to savor him. If the world ended now as the two of you were in each other’s embrace, you would be fulfilled.

He smirked slightly at your words, his lips finding your neck once again. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to hear that,” he moaned, pressing a kiss behind your ear. He slunk down to press his lips against your stomach, moving slowly up your body to bury his face in your hair, grinding his hips against yours. You fought not to roll your eyes as you hooked your fingers through his belt loops, pulling his pants off. He pressed his lips against yours, humming into the kiss as you wrapped your leg around one of his. You slipped your tongue into his mouth, grinding against him.

As Clay pushed himself into you, your whole body relaxed as if he were made for you. He dug his face into the crook of your neck, letting you adjust to him. You hummed slightly, taking your bottom lip between your teeth as he began to move. He gripped the edge of the mattress beside your head as he leaned his weight on his forearm, the angle bringing your thigh to rest against his side. You wrapped your arm around his shoulder, bringing your hips up to move with his. “You’re so beautiful…” he mumbled, his lips brushing against your collarbones again as his thrusts into you became deeper.

You began to feel every inch of him in you as his hips ground against yours. Clay’s lips left yours to press against your jaw and your ear, one of his hands interlocking with yours, binding the two of you further together in the act. It was his carefulness of your forearm that sent a shock wave through your body as you were bitterly reminded that instead of a lifetime of cherishing moments like this, the two of you were cursed into his disaster arc.

His hand pressed into the mattress, fingers curling around the sheets as you pulled him down to you again, his lips melding to yours. You groaned, finding your sweet spot as he did so, making him pick up his pace. His other hand pressed against the side of your neck, bringing your skin closer to his lips as he pressed open mouth kisses to the landscape of your neck, thrusting into you and making the tension in your body tighten with pleasure. Your arms moved to wrap around Clay’s torso, pressing your lips against his shoulder as he moved. Your toes curled as you finally reached your orgasm, calling out his name and feeling him release as well, riding out your pleasure.

As you laid beside him, he played with your fingers, the quietness between the two of you nearly comforting. There was almost the question of “what now” hanging in the air.

A knock came at your door once again, your heart dropping slightly at who the person could be. You shot a look to Clay before pulling on one of the discarded shirts and your shorts from earlier. Your apartment was cold after being in bed with Clay, the air nipping at your skin and sending a shiver down your skin. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed the billboard beside your window had the countdown displayed in heavy red numbers. You swallowed your uneasiness and opened your door.

Nick stood before you, his eyebrows slightly perked at---what you could only assume---your unkempt appearance. He wet his lips briefly. “Dream’s here right?” He asked, peering over your head a bit. You silently opened your door completely, letting him inside. Clay came out of your bedroom, tugging a hoodie over his head that he had previously shoved in one of your drawers. As Nick eyed him, it seemed like he’d forgotten whatever serious matter he needed Clay for. Instead of the skittish expression, Nick’s face twisted into a knowingly smug quip.

Clay ran his fingers through his hair, moving down the hallway and into your kitchen. “What’s up?” He queried Nick. You followed the two of them as Nick began to ramble about the end of the world.

Your chest tightened at his words as you took a seat at your kitchen counter. Clay uncapped a beer, leaning on the marble across from you. “There’s a bunker nearby. It belongs to some random old guy but I know some people who can get us a spot,” Nick muttered almost as if he were worried your neighbors would hear and sabotage his plans. He looked between the two of you quickly. “I think it’s worth a shot.”

You watched Clay closely as he thought, his expression nearly blank due to his somberness. You could practically hear the clock ticking away outside as the red light began to seep into your apartment. Clay chewed the inside of his cheek. “What do you think?” He asked, suddenly breaking the deafening silence and turning to you. “I wanna go where you go.” He looked almost like a child as he said this, but you were grateful he wanted to be with you in the end.

You tore your eyes from him, focusing on the ring forming in your sink from the dishwater that you hadn’t had the opportunity to drain. Your mind raced with the possibility that Nick was offering. “What’s the worst that can happen? We’re dying anyway, right?” You responded wearily.

And that’s how you found yourself packed into an underground shelter, Clay’s body pressed against yours as nameless people crowded the dense area. Nick huddled against the two of you, the asteroid’s timer serving as a foreboding heartbeat as it reminded you all that these were the last moments of your life. Clay’s arm tightened around your shoulders as you buried your face in the softness of his sweatshirt. Your legs were going numb from sitting on the ground with your knees folded to your chest, but you didn’t dare move from his grasp. Nick’s side dug into your own as he attempted to shrug away from the hysterical woman beside him whispering to herself.

Only the mumbling of prayers and lamenting sobs broke up the lulling music playing over a small Ham radio resting on a bookshelf in the corner. The tune reminded you of an eerie scene in a movie from the ‘60s. As the song faded, a newscaster began to discuss the timer, wishing that everyone was with loved ones and had spent the last of their money.

And then the final ten seconds came. Your fingers threaded with Clay’s as he pressed a lasting kiss to your forehead.

“... Nine. Eight…”

Nick leaned into you. The two of you had never really been close, but on your journey to the bunker, he'd become a companion to you just as much as he was Clay's.

“... Seven. Six…”

You let your mind travel to your past, prom in particular. When Clay shut the skirt of your dress in his passenger door by accident. You were so mad at him for finding humor in the situation.

“... Five. Four…”

You thought about the week prior when you were considering skipping a lecture because you were tired. What you wouldn’t give to go back to the simplicity of problems like that.

“... Three. Two…”

You hugged Clay tighter to you, hoping that if you both got blasted into whatever kind of eternity was waiting, you’d land at the same time.

“... One.”

Everyone seemed to hold their breath, even the newscaster. The silence was painful as you all waited.

Clay and Nick moved quickly, looking around the room. You furrowed your brows at them, your grip tightening around the front of Clay’s sweater. “Do you hear that?” Clay stated, his voice coming out rushed. Nick nodded, watching as the rest of the men in the bunker began to talk amongst themselves. You couldn’t hear anything, worry settling.

“What?” You asked, barely above a whisper.

Clay pushed himself to sit up away from the wall, dragging you up with him. “How can you not hear that?” He urged mildly. Fear began to pick at your nerves as you noticed the same reactions filling the shelter. Nick stood up, following some of the other guys who heard whatever they were talking about. Clay slipped from your grasp. “I’ll be right back,” he muttered and you grabbed his hand. His eyes flashed a different color as he looked at you.

A few of the women followed the group, attempting to get their companion’s attention before one of them opened the shelter door.

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[carpisuns]

do you ever get discouraged by social media? like the fact that a lot of interactions can never go beyond the surface level since you won't get to meet a lot of people irl or the fact that numbers seem to matter so much to how others perceive you? hope this isn't too heavy, just curious to hear your thoughts

hey, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this! but yes, i definitely know what you mean. social media can be a strange and disheartening space to be in because it's all about perception and not often about truly knowing someone. we all kind of have a version of ourselves that we put out there for the world to see, and it's not necessarily a completely false image, but it's also not the full picture, you know? and in a fandom space like this one, it's mostly built around a single interest or group of interest, which is great for surface-level bonding with people but not necessarily for a deeper relationship. so it can feel hard to build truly meaningful friendships sometimes.

i've been fortunate tho to meet some amazing people online that i now consider some of my dearest friends and closest confidants. it started with bonding over a shared interest, but then we found that we had more in common and started sharing things outside of that one interest and talking about our lives and supporting each other in both our hard times and good times. i feel really blessed and lucky to have these friends in my life, whether we ever get the chance to meet in person or not.

i'm not sure if you're actually looking for advice about this, but if you are, mine would be to just be kind and positive and enjoy interacting with people, and that may naturally lead to deeper friendship. that's how it's worked for me, at least. kinda depends on what your vibe is and how you prefer to interact online but i've made friends by sending asks/messages to people to let them know how much I enjoy their work and by hanging out in discord servers to chat about fandom stuff as well as general-interest stuff. might be a good place to start!

and as for numbers, yeah, that can be frustrating too! i'll be totally honest—i used to care way too much about numbers. at one point it lowkey became an obsession for me 😩 i'd be constantly checking to see how many followers i had and how much attention my posts were getting and i got too invested in watching the numbers go up and too frustrated when they would stagnate and most of all just too focused on comparing my following with other people's. it was especially bad on instagram bc everyone's follower count is on public display and art tends to get a lot more attention there, so i grew way faster and i also watched other people grow at like breakneck speed and leave me in the dust and i would get jealous,,,woof.

but there came a point when i realized that my focus on numbers was not healthy or enjoyable for me and it was making my fandom experience stressful and bitter rather than fun and chill. so i took a little break for a few weeks and really tried to gain some perspective with it all and it helped loads!! i mean i won't say i don't care about numbers at all anymore haha but they definitely don't have the same hold on me. my growth both here and on instagram has slowed down a lot but i honestly don't mind at all and actually may find that preferable haha. idk im just satisfied and comfortable where i am and what i find most fulfilling in fandom is my friendships and my interactions with other fans, not really the individual attention that I get. it's been nice to take the pressure off myself and not worry about performance and instead just kinda vibe lol. like i used to stress when I didn't post new art for a week, but now i just make stuff when i want to and let myself take my time and post when i'm ready instead of rushing out of some self-imposed sense of obligation.

i totally get people's desire to grow a bigger platform, especially creators who have professional ambitions, and it's awesome to celebrate with them when they hit milestones. but i hope that no matter where any of us are, we remember that our worth is not determined by our online following. and also that we are all just regular people with blogs! I think there's a tendency to treat bigger names in the fandom as like pseudo-celebrities or something (i've definitely been guilty of that ), but at the end of the day we're all just big nerds who like talking about a cartoon lol. it's nice when we can all just support each other and share content and discuss ideas and stuff without making people feel unduly pressured bc their following (like putting them on a pedestal, demanding a greater output of content, etc.) or making them feel lesser because of their lack of one. fandom is about community, not competition, and your contributions are valuable even if they get less attention that someone else's!

ok i feel like i've just rambled a lot, sorry lol idk if any of this was actually meaningful/helpful to you but i wish you the best and hope you feel less discouraged about this! 💜