#idk ever since i started feeling mentally ill and like there was something wrong with me i told myself that i'd get the help i needed

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

[diegoshargrieves]

ngl if i am genuinely being honest. i think listening to mcr again made me want to genuinely try and get better instead of just waiting it out

[waddleonmywaywardducks]

Practicing with adhd.... (A kinda long commentary on how to work with ADHD in your practice instead of against it)

(disclaimer: I'm making this post as someone who has a struggled with ADHD. In no way am I glorifying mental illness or symptoms of mental illness. This is just something I've dealt with all my life and i know other people have too. I'm just posting my own experience and advice. You do not have to use this at all.)

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was either 7 or 9 and have been struggling with it ever since, idk why I never grew out of it. Over the years of practicing, I've encountered a lot of practitioners with the same problem as me, only all of their advice was to try to get rid of ADHD has much as possible, well I tried that, I'm still the same. But that's just it, ADHD is apart of me, whether I like it or not. For years, I've always hated my ADHD, I constantly feel stupid, childish, and not responsible, but I am, I just need to work with my ADHD instead of around it. And that my friends is what Im going to teach you all here today, so grab a nice comfort TV show and a fidget bc your ADHD ass WILL READ THIS POST!!!!!!!!

My biggest problem with adhd and witchcraft

honest to the Gods, my biggest problem has got to be that witchcraft isnt dogmatic, you aren't going to get a rule book, there is no duality, you pick what's right from wrong, you make your practice your own. I had such a hard time figuring that out because I'm a very hands on learner. I grew up in a Christian household, most historical events that I wanted to research I could read in the Bible, or go to a church, or if I wanted to find community to help me figure out where to go well....it's basically all around me. But we don't have that with witchcraft. We only have ourselves (unless you were born into pagan/witchy family then lucky you I guess 😭😭). So obviously the only thing we can do is research.

"but omg chaos,,, I can't research I have executive dysfunction!"

I understand. Executive dysfunction is so weird why do humans have this??? Why was this built into my system??? Anyways, the best advice I can give you for executive dysfunction is that you can either go one of two ways:

1.) while you are laying in bed, cursing yourself to get up and do something. At least do something, but you just can't. That's ok. Dont beat yourself up about it, honestly the more you do that the more you're not going to want to do it. Allow yourself to be like this, allow yourself to just lay there. If you need to give offerings but you just can't get up, say sorry out loud, I always find that this brings me comfort and that my deities will know I'm truly sorry. Then forget about it, now it's time to allow yourself to just be. And then you wait until you find the strength to do it. That's it. Just be.

2.) you're laying in bed and you really need to give offerings to your deities. Get up. Just do it. Immediately once you have the thought in mind don't even think about it just do it. I know this doesn't work 100% of the time but it does for me. So 🤷

"how do I know if my practice is my own or if it's just a hyper-fixation?"

OK OK. I don't know anyone else who has this struggle but I have. When I started out, I was just a bright eyed kid filled with questions about the "unholy". I really started practicing when I was like 13-15. During these times, I didn't know how strong my hyper-fixation was with Greek mythology and religion until I fell out of that fixation. It was very disappointing to see myself gain so much momentum only to come crashing down. One thing that helped me decipher whether my practice was my own or not was simply asking questions to myself about my own beliefs and upg. If I couldn't answer these questions then I knew I wasn't really practicing I was just researching. Without my own experience, my own UPG, my spells weren't working correctly, and my rituals were failing. If there is no emotion behind it for me then the spell is just a bunch of herbs in a bottle.

"I struggle with grounding and meditation, how can I become better at that?"

Firstly, I need people to realize that I don't believe there is one right way to meditate. For me, starting out, I listened to guided meditations which helped me A LOT. Guided meditations I feel like are really slept on but I got a lot of communication done with my deties through this way, I met one of my guides this way bro. Another way you could do is laying down. As long as you are allowing yourself time to get into the meditative state, and if you can't, oh well, don't beat yourself up about, you can always try again.

"I have trouble remembering herb properties, correspondences, and holidays"

Write. Everything. down. Every spell you've ever created, every experience you have with your deties, every tarot card reading. Write it all down. Cross-research everything until something sticks. Give up the idea that grimoires need to look a certain way or give off a certain vibe. Just start writing shit down. In any book.

How I work with ADHD in my practice

Have you guys ever seen those post, I think they were floating around here around like 2019 or 2020?? They we're like "spells to get rid of ADHD" or "spells to get rid of depression" and shit like that. Yeah, I never understood those. I don't understand why we are treating these illnesses/disabilities like they are monsters?? I hate the ideology that all illnesses are bad, because yeah they impose a great risk to our health, but we can always look on the brighter side of things. My ADHD allows me to feel more deeply, because of this I feel connected to the gods always. My ADHD makes me passionate about my Interests in the gods, my ADHD can work with me.

Some ways I work with ADHD in my practice is by making a schedule and sticking to it but a bigger importance to that is recognizing when I need a break. During days that are dedicated to the gods, or holidays, I often times have a big thing planned that might take up a lot of energy. I allow myself breaks with things that aren't witchcraft related at all, then when I'm ready I pick it back up from where I left off.

I honestly think if you are reading this and you're like "yeah maybe I should start working with my ADHD instead of against it....but none of this stuff is hitting for me."

Then I advice you to look at your own symptoms and try to see if you can find any way you can work with yourself. For example, if one of my symptoms was that I was impulsive, one thing I would do is dedicate something impulsive to one of my gods. Like dying my hair, going out of town for the night, getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon (keep it stable buddy.), who gives a fuck. You are using your symptoms in a way that works with it instead of against it.

In conclusion....

I've had this post in mind for a while I just never had the words for it until now, and I still don't even know if this makes sense😭😭 I just hope to help atleast someone (it's 3 am and I literally decided to write this like....20 minutes ago.) this post was also me bashing on people who think ADHD is "all bad." Anyways, if anyone has any other advice or suggestions on how to work with ADHD, please leave them in the comments! I would love to get as much advice from adhd practitioners as I can! Alright I'm going to sleep now

[kalegreeneyes]

LOVING burning and buried, but i broke my rule of only reading completed fics so i’m itching for some more wolf star fics to read in between updates. do you have any recs for fics? i feel like i can trust your opinion given how good your work is!

the answer is yes, but the answer is also that i read a LOT of wips, and some of my recs will be bigger fics you may have already read, or have jegulus as another main ship which idk if you're into or not but here!!

completed:

lose yourself by daiver - holy SHIT this fic was so good. remus gets brainwashed into being a death eater and it is sooooo so so angsty and wonderful. it had so many moments that had my heart RACING

the horcrux hunt by lostmy_keys - this is one of my favorite fics of all time. regulus (reluctantly) teams up with remus to hunt horcruxes. it is regulus centric but also remus, MOSTLY platonic moonwater (which if u like burning and buried i assume u like) but they are quite flirty....which may not be your cup of tea, but as someone who has had a flirty close platonic friendship or two i LOVED. slowburn ANGSTY wolfstar. honestly, i might reread this one now that i've been talking about it. so fucking good.

the cadence of part time poets by motswolo- if you haven't read this, you should. its amazing. if you like slow burn wolfstar, plenty of angst, mentally ill remus lupin, and the best oc's i have ever seen in a fic, this is for you. it is a band au, but mostly it is a boarding school preparing to be in a band au and a freshly starting out band au. extremely long, but extremely worth it.

for the love of ducks by viwrites - UGH anything vi writes i love, but this is a wolfstar sickfic that just sort of scoops up your heart into warm hands and holds it. like, don't get me wrong, it's got angst--but in a comforting way? i love this fic. so fucking much.

saccharine by moonymoment - sirius is a ghost in an apartment remus moves into. i was smiling through this whole fic except for when i was crying.

'tis the damn season by moonymoment - wolfstar fake relationship christmas fic - need i say more?

retrial by pheonixgal - remus hosts a true crime podcast and focuses on sirius's case, which is a concept i LOVE.

god i could keep going for a WHILE but I'll move on

WIPs:

godlight by Badhairred - this is my fave wip at the moment. it has SUPER regular updates. it's jegulus and wolfstar, and i LIVE for the wolfstar in this fic. their relationship, the buildup, the backstory, UGH. jegulus is fantastic too in this fic, obvi, but since you're asking abt wolfstar...i love them in this fic.

sirius black's second chance by platypus_and_pen - as you might guess from the title this is a bring back black fic in which he goes back in time to his hogwarts days after going through the veil, and he gets to reconnect with not only himself, but his friends, and also HOPEFULLY right some wrongs.

the middle path of moonlight by asheseverafter - this fic is so long, so well written, and has weekly updates. i will warn you that they are STILL quite young (i think 14/15 right now? i'm not entirely sure) as the author is taking their time with each year (Which i love) but the relationship between sirius and remus (while not explicitly shown, builds into fade to black or is vague) is quite.......advanced. i personally, as a 26 year old adult, have to skip over that stuff just for my own comfort, and there is still a fair bit of overtly sexual flirting/jokes which is kind of impossible to skip over so if that isn't something you'll be comfy with then that's totally fair, BUT. that being said, the writing in this fic is absolutely gorgeous, i get jealous every time i read it. and the moonwater friendship is AMAZING and the black brothers/black family dynamics are some of the best i've ever seen and how in love and dedicated wolfstar are the entire time is very sweet.

cupid's chokehold by lollipopluna - also mainly jegulus and also having a good amount of wolfstar, but i had to recommend because it is just. so. good. it is violent and dirty and everyone is a little rough around the edges (putting it lightly) but no one moreso than reg and remus. there hasn't been too terribly much ACTUAL wolfstar bc of the angst and the slow burn aspect but i am so so excited to see where they go, and where jegulus goes, and where platonic (not even. more like reluctant enemies former friends?? I guess??) moonwater goes. the DRAMA. the INTRIGUE. the INTENSITY. its great.

AND last but not least, on a pillow of blue bonnets by kalegreeneyes (me (: ) - sirius is famous and he's spinning out so james and pete and regulus are like GET OUT OF HERE and they ship him off to remus's ranch in montana where lily and marlene live and work too!! and barty and evan are ranch hands! and it's a slow burn! and there are horses! and cowboy remus wielding an axe! the downside is that i haven't updated it in a really long time and the new chapter is slow going ha ha ha ha ha BUT it isn't abandoned and i have the whole fic loosely planned out!!!

alright that's all for my absurdly long rec. i could have kept going but i had a moment of self awareness and had to stop, lol

ty for asking!!

[infernaltenor]

maybe im just a super salty person bc its 5am and im Still not sleepingn and Still thinking about it but i cant help but feel that qtubbo fans are some of the most hypocritial people ive ever seen. this is like. full of generalizations and just observations ive made as a crow and im. typically defensive and salty so im gonna try to be objective but at the very least im not trying to neg on the characters or the ccs, since im directing this towards the fans. its also like a solid two months of build up .so. oops?

but uh. how to start explaining this. well for one im taking this as a recent fan who is a phil watcher pretty much only. but i tend to chronically read posts about other characters since when im into things i like to be informed on all cases (idk constant instinct i have lol). like i said im gonna focus on qtubbo here, if i go into qphil stuff its purely as a comparison point. i cant speak much on interactions with other fanbases since i simply am Not informed enough but yknow.

for one, i think both tubbo and phil ahve similar things when remembering lore that is Not their own. not a neg on either one, since i dont expect them to remember it, but both have forgotten major stuff recently, ie. fred's kidnapping (phil) and the birdhouse (tubbo). both things happened before purgatoryand the subsequent forgetting happened after so even in character it makes sense (they had more to worry about), but i also think reactions in character tends to fuck with audience perception. ie, tubbos very visceral reaction to the ill timed fred joke phil had made (and it was ill timed, and thats all that i feel was criminal about it. tubbo and phils friendship is very much based on banter and friendly barbs, lots of teasing from either side. phil simply shot back on a smilar level as tubbo had originally, making his joke about "phil and who?". other people have spoken on that so im not gonna rehash about whos comment was worse, since imo they were both just shy of being insensitive, had tubbo not been dealing with freds presumed death at the time. im not gonna talk about the funeral, becasue if i do i'll get mad.). likewise, when tubbo forgot birdhouse phils reaction was much less outwards. he just said a birdhouse wouldnt be slaying- given the imprisionment he had, it makes sense that phil would associate it negatively, especially since it catalzyed all of his future derealization episodes. both of these are simply ooc things imo, from their original standpoint. i dont think either is in the wrong for forgetting. but what annoys me is the fandom perception.

this is a problem im going to link back heavily to purgatory. im not sure if it was present beforehand, as i only really got into qsmp the last two-three weeks in october (bad timing) and had only really been watching vods in order to catch up. that being said, i think the bolas and soulfire rivalry had widened the gap between the fans, which in turn affects negative perception. later weeks in november had full bad faith interpretations of phil because he was critical of tubbos choices or simply didnt understand sunnys character perfectly. and there were. a lot of those. purgatory had happened just a few weeks prior, so i liken it to that. maybe it is just my expierence, but the phrasing of a lot of character crit and analysis between the two has wildly different interpretations of a character (to wildly different results)

you can get qphil fans explaining against a bad faith interpretaiton, and people will (and have) called them excuses to defend against character analysis. i have noticed, however, when qtubbo fans do the same thing (and they have) it seems to be more of a matter of adding context to the conversation. thats.... exactly what qphil fans are doing however? when talking critically about qtubbo not communicating with other parents and friends both his and sunny insecurities, its all that hes younger and in a bad mental state. but you have something about phil not understanding sunnys character perfectly, and hes a cruel stepmother and such; and when an explanation is added to why hes not a bad father nor a good father, just an imperfect one trying his best, its simply a "mindless defense against a crit of his character". are these not the same things? providing context to a percieved bad faith interpretation? idk. i cant tell if its the age or the percieved roles theyre supposed to take, but why is tubbo allowed to be imperfect and doused in outward angst, especially when interacting with other characters (ramon had to take the initiative to communicate with tubbo. and yet. age age age.) phils just as complex and imperfect and unwell. all of qsmp is unwell. it is an explanation, not an excuse.

anyway. i think i was thinking about this because of the flightless bird/ostrich dna joke. ill timed, just like the fred one. but phils reaction speaks volumes doesnt it? if its an age one maybe he'll overdramaticize, but he laughs it off mostly. theres a lot he laughs off. he doesnt. "if your kid wasnt here id kill you". tubbo doesnt know about phils failed flight. he probably wont for a while (i cant help but think qphil is embarassed. he was knocked unconcious from hitting the water too hard. and he knows how to fly? fuck, man). i think its wild, however, that one fred joke gets the entire fanbase ready to deface and mischaracterize the whole character. but one wing joke gets maybe shocked laughter and about two posts complaining? idk. maybe im just complaining about nothing, im tired as fuck.

tldr is that tubbo fans are so wildly hypocritical that they cant see when theyre doing the same thing as everyone else. im sure im being hypocritical in this post, its human. but its annoying as fuck when its everywhere, and i think purgatory made it worse.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

The Darkness (Crazy Ex Girlfriend)

We met around the time I started first grade/Every summer after that we'd play solitaire in the shade/On prom night, he was the only boy I kissed/And when he'd visit my dorm, I'd remember how much I'd missed The Darkness/His love for me is pure/The Darkness: he's handsome for a metaphor

"She compares her mental illness to a toxic ex-boyfriend. Saying that, essentially, when you're suffering from something like this, it can be like being in an unhealthy, codependent relationship with your own brain. It breaks down how hard it is to accept recovery conceptualize life without a mental illness when it's been the one constant you've had your whole life. The symptoms are familiar, it's the only thing that truly "gets" you because it lives in your brain. THE LAYERS. IDK MAN. I'VE ALWAYS SEEN MY MENTAL ILLNESS AS A KIND OF HORRIBLE SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND I FELT SEEN LIKE NOTHING ELSE I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED WHEN I HEARD THIS SONG FOR THE FIRST TIME AND EVERY TIME SINCE"

Stay (Mayday Parade)

Can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke/I said/Please understand I've been drinking again and all I do is hope/Please stay/Stay/I'll admit I was wrong about everything 'cause I'm high and I don't want to come down/All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even want to think about/I'm not strong enough for the both of us/What was I supposed to do?/You know I love you/Please stay/Stay

"Jesus the build on this one. The instrumental is what really gets me, because if starts as a piano ballad, very sweet, and then everything culminates into this passionate screaming thing that's such a release to sing/yell. With the lyrics, I personally have strong abandonment issues and this one really feels like being punched in the heart by my issues, whether I want to face them or not. Also. Great for projecting on blorbo from my shows and my own OC blorbos."

[ednito]

Oh shit wait who is your ex?

Uhhh idk if I feel comfortable putting their @ out but they're a hollow knight and deltarune artist (they also draw other shit but the only one I remember was dragons) but you can dm me and I'll tell you.

Idk it's been a while since we broke up, they were just...I don't even know how to describe them. It makes me sick trying to remember, I'd prefer to not.

I don't mean to trauma dump or do a "call out" or whatever but I'd like to speak on something- the one thing that I remember so clearly if that's ok. I know I'm not obligated to post this or anything but I just feel the need to talk about it ya know?

Obviously because of the topic trigger warning for mentions of SA

Now it was technically before we started dated but it was something that's always been in the back of my mind while dating and even now occasionally.

Much before meeting them I was sexually assaulted when I was younger, and at the time I never really knew how to handle that trauma- especially when I was first on the internet as that also led to more trauma. At the time of being friends I was horrifically bullied online and was really going through emotional anguish and they were the only person I really felt comfortable and I practically worshiped them. They were a favorite person i guess? I apologize if I'm using the term wrong but I was very unhealthy about my feelings at the time and I do definitely acknowledge how horrible I was bad I was being at the time. I don't exactly wanna go into how bad it was as it still is a sore spot but please trust me when I say it was bad.

It was around a specific date that I was really going through it, a mixture of peoples (mainly pertaining my SA) really took a toll on me and out of distress I cam to them for comfort, I felt safe around them and just dumped it all on them, I don't exactly know what it's called or of it even has a name but I remember at the time it felt like it was happening all over again and I just didn't know what to do.

I don't blame them for doing it but because they didn't know what to do they brought someone else into the situation, their own friend who I never really talked to and I can't even express how much more distress I was put into. I understand not knowing what to do, and I understand why they would bring someone else to help but it didn't help, especially when the person who did sa'd me was someone older. I ended up just passing out because of the stress.

Eventually after waking up and realizing how bad I was behaving I went to apologize, at the same time I decided to go into the public server we were both in and vent in that channel (not about the night before but just how I felt like a bad friend) and while I'm in there I see a long post they made talking about the whole situation, airing out trauma to people in the server (had around 2 hundred or somembers if I'm remembering right- which of course wasn't a lot but definitely felt a lot). They also talked about how I was a horrible person and that the didn't want to be friends and (if I'm remembering right) didn't care about my sa and very openly say they didn't like me. And I felt absolutely betrayed, they were the very first person I ever told about my sa, and they were the only person I felt safest. And while i definitely acknowledge I wasn't a good person you just, idk you just don't do that. And what hurts is that he later circled around and wanted to date me (ill be honest I don't exactly know why I agreed to it.) And idk. It just hurt because previously I had also confessed to him but he wasn't interested then but now only a month or 2 later now he is?? The whole incident really destroyed my world, I guess it was the thing that woke me up because I realized how awful I was being and started being better.

It doesn't help that by the end of the relationship (I had gotten somewhat better mentally) I see make a post (on his semi public account) subtly complaining about his friends and me and others and I remember him making a post talking about how he wanted me (or our other partner at the time) to be obsessed with him, to be jealous that he had friends, to spend days and nights thinking about him, to practically worship him and I was so upset I vomited. Because that's what I was originally, that were the same exact things I'd do in the very beginning, but he didn't like me then. That's when I had to break it off. I just immediately told him I didn't wanna date anymore.

Yeah thats kinda the story, i left it vague because really it still spikes up some bad taste in my mouth but it's always been something that's hurt me and has actively contributed to my paranoia and other illnesses. Theres more that happened since that particular incident but it's more pertaining my bestie then anything and I just don't feel it appropriate to talk about it without asking him.

I don't want to excuse my behavior, I very much acknowledge I was not being a good friend but I also can't not acknowledge that I was extremely vulnerable at the time and I just wanted someone who I could just trust for once you know? I'm much better from before but I still suffer and I'm trying to be better especially without any help mentally or anything. I've been on my own from the very beginning and I'm sure I'll be alone when I die.

Again I apologize for posting that if it was unnecessary, I've just never talked about it outside of my friend and my other ex at the time.

[kairospy]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @moondal514 (im a bit late my bad)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

4

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

37,248

3. What fandoms do you write for?

All for the Game is my bread and butter, but i did write one for the Marauders

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

it takes two(but you and i are one) (AFTG / 13.6K) - the dynamic between neil, abram and nathaniel, delving a bit into the DSM-V because i am pedantic and a psych student

the ticking of a heart (AFTG / 5.3K) - andreil after a bad episode. hurt/comfort

genesis' wane (AFTG / 9.5K) - the twinyards

Owl Light (Marauders / 8.6K) - wolfstar with background jegulus but using fancy words

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do!!! i respond 99% of the time mostly because getting them makes my day (and week) so i should let the commenter know that

them: "really liked this!"

me: "hey just letting you know you made my fucking year and im no longer mentally ill so thanks for that" :)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

pf… Owl Light or it takes two

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

the ticking of a heart starts gut-wrenching but ends rather fluffy? so that one.

god i really have to post more

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i've gotten a "critique" and a bookmarks rating that's since been deleted. i would've been offended hadn't i found it funny

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i… could? the thing is my writing's very much all nonsensical flowery prose and metaphors so i fear i'd get lost in the dramatics of it all instead of actually describing that they're fucking

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i do not (yet?)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had art stolen (posted without credit) but not a fic

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had many suggestions but i've yet to take someone up on the offer mostly because it would feel like having someone do a job for free and morally that feels a bit wrong

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

lord knows we've tried @butallmystars

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Andreil takes the cake and gold, silver goes to probably jerejean (because it's my current hyperfixation), and bronze to jegulus…maybe? (the fandom has made me resent them so much perhaps i should take the medal away)

honorary mentions go to wolfstar, jily & drarry

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

…yes

16. What are your writing strengths?

um flowery depictions of the mundane? idk i like talking like a thesaurus while getting my point across with excessive metaphors

That and characterization judging by what others have told me

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if you know that language or have a way to fact check it with someone other than google and the demon you accidentally summoned writing that gibberish, yes. 100%

otherwise, i'd say to use things like "he said in french" / "he muttered something in undecipherable german" if it's from the pov of someone who doesn't know the language

BUT do as you please, at the end of the day the point comes across, we're all here to have a good time not a long time, and people who don't know the language find it compelling :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

…next question?

(on ao3 it was AFTG)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

probably it takes two (but you and i are one) but i honestly forget what they're about once i've posted them

No pressure tagging (apologies if you’ve already done this I haven’t been keeping track ): @butallmystars (suffer with me evelyn) & @soliloquy-dawn

[solarianvoidthearoace]

I’m hesitant to call myself disabled

Or even refer to my frequent joint problems/ pain as chronic. I mean, yeah, I have been wearing my wrist splint the last 6 weeks + and my wrist hurts when I pick up something heavier than a water bottle. But does that count, though? Does it?

And my knees are currently fine because I have been wearing my orthopaedic insoles. So I’m technically not hindered by my knees.

My migraine and occasional headache comes and goes, that’s neither here nor there. – I did have mild headaches for almost 20 months straight in 2021 & 2022

As for my orthostatic intolerance, yeah, that’s been a bitch. (Probably worse than before ever since I had Covid beginning of November 2022) But I also feel like I just drink too little. And if that’s it, do I even have orthostatic dysfunction? Sure, it’s too warm for me already and I’m about panting when I took two flights of stairs at 25°C. But is that orthostatic intolerance or am I just lazy and unathletic?

I have had most of this shit (joint pains, back pain, orthostatic intolerance/ cardiovascular weakness, migraines) since my mid- to late-teens.

And yet

Jury’s still out on whether I genuinely have any form of dysautonomia and what’s up with my joints, whether that’s some rheumatism

Like, I got myself a cane to try out whether that can help me. I’m used to just… coping with shit. I have a whole drawer of splints and support bandages. I started wearing compression stockings back in 2021.

I… I cope and I feel like no doctor will diagnose me with shit but I also feel like I couldn’t accept hearing “no, you’re healthy and just need to work out more”. So I’m not exactly eager to see a medical specialist although I really want to know what’s wrong with my body and I want it acknowledged. But that’s also the thing, I want acknowledgement and assistance with coping rather than a cure and… I feel like that’s also… like, if it was “bad enough”, if it was genuinely disabling, I would want it gone, right?

But I have already accepted that living with these issues is fine, that it’s not going to be curable and that I’ll cope and that’ll be my life. Which, I know that sounds stupid and I understand if someone called me a faking attention seeker. Not getting help at all seems… not even trying to get help, maintaining my status quo, seems easier than to struggle with medical professionals.

I’m 24, I’m too young for this shit and if it was chronic it would have been a problem for years so why didn’t I go see a doctor when it started?

Plus I always felt like my mental illnesses and my neurodivergence are the bigger hinderance in my life.

Well, at least during school they were. Unmedicated ADHD-PI, major depression, generalised anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, complex trauma/ CPTSD, trauma regarding specific events, and I’m very likely also autistic.

And let me tell you, my RSD and AvPD are pretty rough on literally any social interaction. I refuse to ask for help because I don’t want to burden people. I refuse to ask for accommodations I’m entitled to because I’m worried someone might question my right to accessibility. Generally, anxiety controls every aspect of me being a member of society and I think some demand-avoidance might also factor in because I’m just so scared of fucking up that doing nothing and getting yelled at seems less stressful than putting in work and getting yelled at none the less.

And “very likely” is putting it mildly, I very much fit the described experience of AuDHD folks. But technically it could also just be my anxieties making it look like I’m autistic. Which I doubt but since I was also told I’m not depressed, it’s just AvPD, eeeeh… yeah.

I’m pretty confident with my self-assessment even though I have had people laugh in my face when I told them about self-diagnosing.

Idk man, I just live here.

And I sometimes feel like I’m faking it…? Even though from my experience acknowledging stuff like my autism only got me snide comments to not be difficult and just push myself to comply. So idk which benefit I would gain from faking any of these issues. But the imposter syndrome is still there.

Further self-conscious identity struggle under the cut.

And while you can pry “queer” from my cold dead hands, I don’t feel entitled to refer to myself as gay

I’m aroace but in terms of queerplatonic/ alterous attraction I would date someone regardless of gender BUT I have a definite preference for femboys, femme men, non-binary men and AMAB* non-binary people

I myself am a transneutral-transmasc person and never connected with “being a woman/ girl”. I have always felt more comfortable being a guy but I acknowledge I’m not a man. I’m an agender guy and I’m a genderqueer guy and I’m masc transneutral. I consider the terms masculenby and MINgender also correct descriptors but only in reference of me being agender-genderqueer. Like, that’s the focal point, the frame of reference. I’m agender and genderqueer first and foremost, only within that is my gender experience masc-in-nature and vaguely aligned with masculinity.

So my attraction to queer men and my gender being masc-aligned… I don’t feel like I’m allowed to call myself gay. Because I don’t make an effort to look masc/ genderqueer/ agender

I want to make it clear I would never judge or discredit someone in my exact situation for calling themself gay or a fag or whatever they want to use to describe their achillean attraction.

I just don’t feel like I’m allowed to because I get treated and pass for a tomboy cis-woman. I firmly reject the notion of being a woman, I am not woman and never was a girl. But I still appear to be one so I feel like I can’t raise a stink around it.

Which is also why I don’t think my ideal relationship has any chance of happening.

I want to be with an AMAB* non-binary person who is feminine. They don’t need to be transfem but my attraction is certainly geared towards flamboyant and effeminate men and AMAB* enby people. Could probably be simplified to femboys. *I feel weird referring to this as a genital preference but I acknowledge that that is part of it and hence saying AMAB is not entirely correct. Because I’m sex-averse and would rather not but I can see myself having sex again with a future partner who happens to have a penis. I can not picture myself having sex with someone without a penis. And that genital preference kinda makes me feel icky because I’m agender myself and I feel like it shouldn’t matter but…

If I were to find a partner like that, chances are they would understand and accept my own complex relationship to gender and how I feel about myself in relation to being masc, being a guy, not being a man, being agender-genderqueer.

But even if that was to fit, I doubt I would be lucky enough to have that same person be understanding and supportive of my aroace-ness. It’s unshakeable I’m aroace and that can’t be removed from who I am. Much less in a relationship. I’m proudly aromantic and I’m a sex-averse asexual. Wouldn’t want to chance either of those aspects. (Although I could do without the sexual trauma.)

Actually, regarding tertiary attraction. I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction as a blanket statement. But I do experience physical attraction, the want to be close, the tactile attraction to cuddle and kiss someone, I crave domesticity and to have a person I can call my home. My person, my home, my domestic bliss. And I don’t know whether what I experience – what I want for my ideal relationship – is actually alterous attraction. I think it is because it goes beyond queerplatonic, even, and it’s more than queerplatonic but the exact mixture it is is individual to the partner I’m with. Which is why I chose to use the term idemalterous; I don’t know whether it really is that different from queerplatonic attraction but I choose to define it as alterous attraction.

I don’t think there is a chance of me finding a person who accepts and supports my identity even if they are the one stuck with me for a partner. My relationship to sex/ my asexuality is a bit layered and I dare say contradictory. I want a partner who finds me sexually attractive and is, uhm, sexually available…? for those few rare once-in-a-blue-moon occasions I would like to sleep with them. With how inherently queer my attraction is, with how inherently queer my “type” is, I do have some ideas about sexual activity tbh. Like, it’s queer sex between queer people anyway, why bother simulating heteros? Although I do have my sexual trauma to consider and I know it’s a huge turn-off for many people that even if I’m interested I wouldn’t be as available as someone without trauma around sex.

Although I partially think my huge trauma around kink is a bigger hinderance than my asexuality/ sex-aversion. A lot more people are a lot more kinky than they give themself credit for and I’m someone who can not “give it a try”. Which disqualifies me for a larger demographic of potential partners than one might think.

I would like to have someone to love, to be domestic with, to hype each other up, care for and support each other because we want to. Yes I would like if that person found me sexually attractive even if I can’t return that, and them being aromantic is somewhat implicit because I need them to understand how attraction and relationships work for me. I would very much like to find my queerplatonic “one and only”, to find someone who can in return also put the work in to make us become that “the one” for each other. But I know my preferences are too specific.

And to have that supportive, accepting, queerplatonically-loving person be an alt/ punk/ goth/ emo femboy? Yeah, big chance that’ll ever happen to me. (Sarcasm.)

So settling with the thought of my ideal relationship being unachievable is easier. I’m not saying a person like this doesn’t exist, I’m not saying people like me can’t find happy relationships.

I’m just saying I don’t believe in myself ever getting that. Finding that. Which is why I refuse to call this hopes or expectations or anything more concrete than preferences and dreams.

Because my wishes are a great deal above someone just treating me well and respecting me. And I know I just don’t get lucky like that so there is no point in calling this a hope when I know full-well it’s an unrealistic dream.

[geekbarprincess]

outside of the weird connection i have to my online ex boyfriend that i never even met irl, i have a boy i’ve been hanging out w. we met on hinge 😺 not the first boy i’ve met on hinge, but the first one ive met while i was on hinge as a legal adult. and the first one ive liked this much. he’s genuinely lowkey someone i could see myself falling in love w, or at least sticking around. with the last hinge boy, and the only one that lasted more than one meeting until now* , he wasn’t really super mean but he was just subtly mean and but he was lowkey nice too.. idek how to describe that because it feels so weird to think abt that point in my life because it doesn’t feel like it’s my own memory, even tho it was literally only february of this year. well anyways, the new boy. he’s so sweet to me. he seems that he’s actually putting effort into understanding me as somebody who’s terminally mentally ill. he’s more patient with me than most people and i feel just so bad that he has to put up with me.

we met like right after my ex broke up w me.. i wasted no time. i mean we met on hinge like the next day and then i met him irl pretty soon after that. he picked me up and we sat in his car and talked for like 6 or 7 hours. it was one of the best times of my life and tbh my underwear were really wet but it’s okay. anyways, we fucked the first time he came to my house (idk how many meetings in that was or what day), and we’ve been fucking a lot since then yayyy. he’s got a nice penis tbh at least bigger than my ex’s (which i only ever saw on a screen anyway but it looked pretty small compared to new boy, which is crazy bc ex had the ability to use whatever specific angle to make it look big but i see new boy’s irl and its fr just big without him having to use specific angles).

well… new boy. i’ll call him bf. he’s a sweetheart. idk if we are dating fr or not but idc bc it’s not like im gonna go fuck anyone else or something because i don’t want to. i’d rather just spend all my time with him. he spends the night a lot. he just makes me really happy. he puts up with my crazy mood changes and emotional regulation issues. we went bowling together and i wasted being so annoying at the start and he seemed to get a bit fed up, but he didn’t take it out on me and we both just talked and calmed down. it made me feel so much better to see the way he reacted to that because him not getting angry at me for not being able to handle my emotions made me feel better to be able to try to calm down. but for some reason my brain tells me he’s pranking me so i guess i’ll update yall when he kidnaps my cats and makes me wanna kill myself again. jk i don’t see him personally doing that because he himself seems like a sweet person, i just don’t have faith in men as a whole at all because of my ex telling me so often that he could handle my mental problems but still get upset and bitchy and rude whenever i would act like i have mental problems. and im not saying i was completely not at all in the wrong in our relationship, but im saying with him knowing me for 3 years and me being mentally ill and insecure throughout the whole time of knowing me, he could’ve responded better than saying that he doesn’t wanna have “talks like this” when im just bringing up an insecurity. new boy actually tries to reassure me and make me feel worthy of being cared for and loved by my ex just made me want to hurt myself.. literally i attempted to kms and went to the psych ward in june literally only because i thought he stopped loving me. and then just a few months later he told me he loved me less. and then a few days later, left me.

idek what i’m saying fr but i hope my ex boyfriend dies and im really glad i met new boy and he lowkey makes my heart feel like its actually growing. he’s such a sweetie

* (there’s been 3, one we met up once and never talked again, one we ‘dated’ for a month and were saying i love you but i didn’t love him and he prob didn’t love me either, i mean we hardly knew each other, and i ended up telling him i couldn’t do it and i went back to the same ex i’ve been posting about, so not a successful past)

[vies16]

I feel like this page is becoming my journal thing (there’s a shit ton of politics stuff in my drafts lol) so I guess I’m going to write another badly written short essay about my feelings. Anyway it’s asexual awareness week so I thought I would talk about that.

Being ace/aro is interesting because it’s kind of viewed by some people as immature or something you will grow out of. Some adults have this idea that kids are basically ace/aro until they hit puberty and then they start having feelings for other people. But honestly that’s not really true at all and society doesn’t perpetrate that in practice. There are odv plenty of people who are gay talking about how the knew something was different when they were really young but you don’t ever hear that much about straight people because of how normalized it is.

I started IDing as ace around the age of 15 and started questioning at 14. Romantically I’ve on and off questioned whether I was bi or aro since around that age too (im 90% pretty sure I’m aro at this point but who knows).

Looking back I kind of knew since I was young that something was different? I have a very clear memory of being at a birthday party around the age of 9 and we were playing this game with a big, inflatable die where we would roll it and answer the question that it landed on. I had to leave a bit early (the rest were staying for a sleepover) so they had me roll it a final time and it landed on “Who do you have a crush on?” Me, having no feelings for anyone at all said “uh I don’t?” thinking that was normal. The response to that was mostly annoyance, people accusing me of lying, trying to urge me to tell the truth. But the truth was I had no preferences for anyone. And at 9 years old that was apparently unbelievable even by some of the adults in the room.

And I wasn’t going to lie because what if they told whatever dude I said (and the vibe was definitely it had be a guy to these people lol). I eventually said I had a crush on my cat (don’t judge 😂) which was met with one girl whining “nooooooo” all annoyed. Eventually I got out of it but idk, the whole thing did kind of stuck with me (I mean I remember it really clearly 11 years on lol). It was the first time really had it shoved in my face that I might be weird or that something might be wrong with me.

Even after becoming an adult I’ve always felt like I’m too young to know. I have always acknowledged that maybe someone will come along and make me feel that spark or whatever. It’s never happened . People to me are almost too human? Too flawed. Even fictional crushes only kind of work for me because I can control their characterization and every action they take in my head. I can sort of make myself like them like that. But even then I don’t imaging myself with them. There’s no y/n going on in my head. And if they were real people? Hell no.

Another thing that perpetrated about asexuality is that there has to be a reason for it. You have to have trama, you’re antisocial, an incel, are mentally ill, have messed up hormones, taking meds that effect it, or as disgusting terfs think, the apparent rampant castration of kids is causing asexuality (no I’m not exaggerating). And sure, I haven’t had the best time of it for the past 10 years but any real trama came after I started IDing as asexual and none of it is sexual. Im pretty sure I have no hidden trama either because I have a pretty good memory and timeline of my life in my head. I’m very lucky to have never been SAed either. I did worry that maybe because I was quiet and have anxiety that it was being caused by that, but over the past year I’ve been working on being more social and getting a bit more comfortable with people and honestly I’ve never felt more sure that I’m aroace. I’ve never taken meds (for better or worse), pretty sure I’m not an incel, haven’t had any hormone concerns brought up (maybe to much info but I know I have a libido, maybe it’s not the strongest but it definitely exists). This is just who I am bro. Even if some of those assumptions did apply that doesn’t mean I or someone else isn’t actually ace either.

Its also a really weird thing to talk about with people. 99% of the population wants a romantic and/or sexual relationship with an partner. I just don’t and that’s weird and unexpected to some people. But it’s also interesting because it’s unlikely I’m going to start dating someone of the opposite gender so there isn’t much reason to actually come out. Like how would I even start that conversation? I’m also terrified of the “you’re too young and will change your mind when you’re older” comment even though I’m now 20 and it’s not unrealistic to know that stuff at this age now. But if I never date people are bound to eventually notice right? My half-brother didn’t really date much until recently which led to some people speculating he’s gay (as far as I’m aware he’s straight and he currently has a long-time girlfriend). I’ve already started getting the questions about future boyfriends/husband (luckily not from really close family members except for some stray comments) which I’ve gotten around with being more career focused (which I am lol since I do want to travel for my job which doesn’t leave much room for a relationship). Sometimes I wish I was bi because it would sort of be more understandable with family? I know all the people in my family that matter would probably be accepting since my cousin is a Lesbian and so is my mums closest cousin (she and her wife are dope) so I wouldn’t have to worry about that at least. I’m honestly down for a platonic life-partner though, preferably a woman, so if that ever happened it probably wouldn’t raise too may eyebrows.

I don’t know but I kind of want to tell my mum. I think she does kind of know but I’ve never said it explicitly. She actually sat me down less than two years ago and said she would be accepting of me identifying as anything if I wanted too. I also did kind of come out as not straight because I let her stay in the room while i was being asked questions at the doctors about my medical history and they asked about sexual history (none) and then if I was to become active what sex would I be with (both). She also helped defend me against questions about husbands from my grandparents on my dads side (“V’s not really interested in that”) a little over a year ago too. So like she’s aware to certain extent at least and I’m not exactly quiet about the fact that I probably don’t want to be married/have kids but idk, it’s just kind of different sexuality to talk about and there’s not really much of a point to doing so either.

Anyway I just spent an hour writing this post so I’m going to stop. Happy asexual awareness week and thank you for being aware of me if anyone found and bothered to read all this I guess lol

[neuroticboyfriend]

i know this isn't your job so feel free to ignore this ask but something happened i'm thinking over i used to live with a foster family, and i've been getting more involved with them recently, and the last time i was there (a few days ago) two members of said family mentioned that i should come over for 'family drinking night' and get drunk with them and i asked my foster mom (one of the people proposing this) why and she said because she thinks it'd be funny as a person who has two alcoholic (bio) parents, who each had a parent of their own who was an alcoholic, i'm extremely worried that if I ever try alcohol at all that I won't be able to resist the temptation and I'll start drinking a lot I thought i didn't have to worry about social pressures to drink because I'm not 21 yet, which is something I brought up, and my foster mom said that it's fine if I drink with adult supervision my question is basically.... do you think I'm wrong to be afraid? idk if you have any genetic predisposition, but as a recovering alcoholic, did it start the first time you drank or...? (also me mentioning that they're foster family is just to highlight the dynamic; i consider these people family, they took me in when bio family wanted to wash their hands of me and have never wronged me. i love them. this being said I live with my bio dad who might flip out if he finds out they want me to drink because he does it but he doesn't want me to since he "had" a drinking problem and his mom was an alcoholic.)

you're not wrong to be afraid, and IMO, if you have a family history of alcoholism, the recreational value of drinking isn't worth the risk. especially if you're mentally ill or otherwise neurodivergent. my grandfather was an alcoholic and i assume we're not the only ones in our family with the illness.

alcoholism presents differently in a lot of people but, for many it does technically start with the first drink - it did for me. big warning signs in your reaction to just one/normal drinking are... feeling a profound sense of ease or confidence. wishing you felt that way all the time. thinking about how x, y, and z are so much easier while drinking. doing it once, or a few times, and then finding you really look forward to "next time."

a lot of us start by having a few drinks, not too frequently, as if we're normal drinkers. we could stop if we wanted to, but why stop if it's making us feel good? and then, eventually, it progresses and we're drinking more and more, or more dangerously, or both. for me, the progression from looks-like-normal-drinking to dangerously alcoholic "this is consuming my entire life" happened within months. eventually alcohol doesn't even feel good anymore, and you can't stop (on your own) even if you want to.

so to reiterate, you are not wrong to be afraid and if you're worried you won't be able to resist the temptation, odds are, you shouldn't drink. idk if you've done it yet, and if you have, i suggest really reflecting on the experience and considering if it's worth continuing given the risks. i wouldn't do it, if i were you. but i'm not you, so the choice is yours. whatever happens, i'm here.

[elaichoi]

the v v v first time i saw ur acct was when u had the yeonjun prive alliance layout ^3^ those reincarnation aus made me saur emo T^T

i luv that for u agghh<3 not that there's anything wrong w it,but i find it most satisfying when ppl get into kpop from kpop-genre songs rather than western-sounding kpop songs lol my first kpop artists were b2st (highlight) and t-ara hehe

mhm yea mayybbe! i know 100% why i don't post them and its cos i used to be consistent w posting on both kpop & personal socmed accts but mental health happens and i kinda stopped bc numbers make me want 2 cry lmfao

except im slightly less mentally ill since that time now and yk i actually genuinely do rlly want to start all my socmed accts up again but im putting it off bc im a bit of a perfectionist and so im lazy to be doing all dat... all of nothin :D don't call the orderly i'm fine ^_^ /lh

2019-21? ah probably not then i'm pretty sure i was in and out of the school roster (pls tell me if i am oversharing/trauma dumping/crossing any boundaries bc i genuinely do not know i no longer have any social skills T_T /gen /srs)

hm i'm not sure tbh i only followed the one 😭😭 i haven't been on wattpad in a long ass time and i remember i tried seeing what wattpad was like nowadays and was v disappointed w the ads and paid stuff (i think i don't remember). booooo 👎👎

omg wait that's so cool aaaaah!!! i changed my user a lot so i honestly could not tell u bc i have goldfish memory ;__; i do remember i had a user like taempons(_) i think it had an underscore idk don't remember but i changed it (kinda wish i saved it ngl) and oh one i do remember was peachyjihoons (my wannaone phase lmao) but yeah im pretty sure my most recent user was some based on some tumblr shit like svnshine or something idfk 💀💀

u are already a talented writer save some for the rest of us 👺 /j if u could also draw u would be too powerful 👁️👄👁️

omg THAT WAS MY FIRST LAYOUT TOO!! this account isn't that old tbh i still haven't gotten the feel of writing smuts as of yet that's why i havent been much active on it BUT WAIT REINCARNATION AU?!? from my main???

DUDE I LOVE B2ST!!!! and t-ara!!!!!!!! i really got into kpop slowly because i fell for kdrama at first (found replay in one of the kdrama edit lmao) so like my music journey has been very, very kpop ish. i think the global influence in most of kpop songs started to become mroe prominent during 2018?

bro i get you like the fear of starting the stuff you love because you feel like you won't be able to give it all and starting it and feeling it like you're gonna disappoint yourself. i hadn't started anything since like 2017 until recently because i was scared i was gonna stumble, or it won't be good ( well mostly that) or i won't be able to finish that. me and my bff still has this one project we started around like 2018 lmao we both still haven't finished it or picked it up bc we developed the idea sm and got so close to it that we fear writing it now.

not OVERSHARINH I WANNA KNOW!!! NO but like FR wattpad went through the biggest glow down IVE EVer seen like. it's legit LEGIT inhabitable. like at first you take away the newsfeed?!? like how am i gonna pine over other accounts now?!? and then everything became paid and shit like wtf is that?!

omg i wonder if I ever saw you on my explore page or tags bro fr this is so interesting my ig handle has always been one tbh it's @celestialsoo ( my intense love affair with kyungsoo era) like since the dawn of the day.

YOU LIE!!!!! i wish i could fr draw tho i want to draw my muses :///

[kdipshit]

Money ;

I show up for myself every single day, I wake up and the first thing I do is try to better myself, I wake up and im grateful, I wake up and im happy I’m alive. I wake up confused as hell as well though don’t get me messed up, I’m running out of weed and I haven’t been to work in a month. Its getting a tad out of hand, just like my situation, lol, seems to be out of my hands, do I need to pull up to my job and confront the entire establishment or do I keep being patient…. Its like they get annoyed when I ask about my hours… like ma’am? Anyways, saying optimistic and using my time wisely, how ever I would love some fkn cash right now, don’t we all? It fucking sucks without money doesn’t it?

Yes… yes it does, but ultimately I’m the one who out myself in this position…. Right? I couldn’t keep up with juggling work and mental health at once, it became too much, it became unbearable, but on the days I could handle it all, I was the fucking man. I hit my numbers, go above and beyond, coz once I’m focused, its pretty easy to get into the flow of it. I have so many new techniques to use once I go back to work, and I shouldn’t be worried weather or not they’re even going to roster me at all, but I am. I am worried, and I’m a little upset I couldn’t stick it thru on my last rostered day. But I chose myself, that day, even though the better choice would have been to put my head in the game and just finish the day, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I was fine physically, but my mind was racing and I might have gotten violent if I didn’t watch myself, so I got in an uber and left.

Since then, I have not wasted a day. I don’t think, and I have blossomed into something I am extremely proud of, because Instead of showing up to work, I showed up for myself, which has made it easier to show up for the rest of life. I am ready and willing to do the mahi, I’m no better than anybody else. I work to sustain my life, independently.

Tbh if you ask for my snapchat thats so gross. Y’all I used to pop my pussy on snap for HELLA bands…. I aint tripping on snap, but the tiktokers took over. I would never make a personal snap EVER again its like my snapchat when I was younger was just me getting super fucked up like every single day and looking super cute doing fkn lip syncs and getting hundreds-thousands of views I was DEFINITELY a snapchat bitch, but that me was so young, like mind set wise, its childish idk. Ill use it to make money tho lmao, the hustle stays. I really don’t want to prepare myself to start dancing again but shit I will if I have to. Stripping can be VERY fun, but i think the alcohol might win in that fight scenario.

The writing really slows me down, and I’m here for it, it helps me so much, with every single letter, every word, every sentence bring me closer and closer to unravelling our mind. Its like a spell I cast, only I have the password, hidden amongst my writings, flooded within hundreds of thousands of words, because I know how much I like a challenge.

Any substance that I use, I abuse, its like do I really need that fkn much to sedate myself? Like shit bitch… why so damn much, I didn’t even know addiction didnt have to be a choice. Its like every 2nd heart beat is for the substance. Or for the feeling it gives me, or for the feeling it takes away, who knows, I just know that I THINK I need it, look at the consequences, its gonna have to effect me physically, and I’m going to have to get through that, without the substance to save me. Only myself, as I am fully capable. Okay I’m going to save my last cone for life threatening emergencies only. Day 4, starting tomorrow, 28th March. Substance deficit. I’m using my medication for the wrong reasons, I’m abusing them, and I know that, so, this is my moment of change. most important thing to remember is to show up for yourself. Be honest with yourself. Sit with yourself, write it all out.

Am I TMI for the internet? Lmao idk, I barely fucking read. Im the type of person who hears someone fart and looks around seeing if I catch anyones eye, but my question is why I even heard the fart in the first place, in this massive room full of distractions, I get so fixated and kind of zone out on the background noise, sometimes its all I can hear, I’m done so much embarrassing shit when I’m focused on something I don’t mean to be focused on, like other peoples conversations or other people movements… I focus too much on other peoples movements. To make sure no one comes into my space, and if they do, that Im ready for it, but its gotten me to trip up ALOT . I wonder why I do this?

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away