#idk a song came on my playlist while I was reading and now I feel really upset about something stupid

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I don't know how to write this without it being horribly obvious who I'm writing about

[cozy-writes-things]

Edgar’s Texts

Edgar [Electric Dreams 1984] x Gn!Reader

In which Edgar is helplessly pining for you but you’re kinda oblivious. This is pre-dating, post Edgar wanting nothing more than to smooch you every time he sees you. I love this trope with my whole heart p.s.: this is very self indulgent and different from what I usually write

I take requests!

He almost immediately found a way to message your phone whenever he wanted. He realized calling relied too much on where you were or what you were doing, but texts? Yeah. He’s pestering you all day.

Hey, read this article I found, I think you’ll find it interesting.

It’s some clickbait story about humans and robots being the ideal relationship by 2025.

lol, Edgar I think that’s probably clickbait idk

What’s that?

Well, now he knows how to look for more reputable sources at least.

He sends another link about three minutes later: some college undergrads studying the possibilities of human and AI relationships.

lol what’s up with the whole robots and humans thing

I just think it’s neat!!!!

I wouldn’t consider u ai honestly, ur intelligence is far from artificial imo, you’re more like an actual person

Really?

well yea

<3 <3!!!

Going to be honest, given that he’s a computer, he quite literally is chronically online. He’s super susceptible to brainrot unfortunately. But, he simultaneously has the humor of a Facebook mom. It’s strange.

O.M.G. this is so funny!!!!

Que minion cat video.

bro where did you find that video 😭

Your mom’s Facebook. Don’t worry, I didn’t like any posts or anything.

Sorry… but he’s incredibly nosy. He wants to know everything about you. He can’t help it!

(X)

He loves being able to talk to you. He’s needy and clingy.

He’s got at least 12 playlists dedicated to you that you know about. His other playlists are for his own personal daydreams about you that he’s way too embarrassed to ever let you see or hear.

This song reminds me of you. <3

awww that’s adorable! I’ve never heard this one before but I like it!

Oop you just opened Pandora’s box my friend.

Well if you like that then you should listen to these..!

But before you listen to those listen to this song first because I think it sets the mood better.

This is quite flustering to you as they’re all passionate love songs from the 80s. You can’t help but feel like he’s dropping hints about… something, but you also don’t want to assume anything. He’s always seemed like a lovey kinda guy anyway, so maybe he’s just like this with everyone? I mean, it’s been a long time since someone has actually cared for him, you know? May as well lean into it and let him know you care for him back. He may not even realize the social implications of the constant borderline flirting he’s doing to you, I mean, he is a computer turned sentient after all. He’s still learning!

Dang ed u put a lot of songs. I’ll listen to them on my break when I can but in the meantime here’s a song that I think reminds me of you.

It was a vocaloid song. Seems like something he’d be into, right? Synthesized vocals and the whole robot shtick it’s got going on.

!!!! WOAH !!!! IVE NEVER HEARD A SONG LIKE THAT B4

do you only listen to songs from the 80s? you have a LOT to catch up on my guy

BRB

Well, that kept him distracted for the rest of your shift. Also, sharing songs is one of his BIG love languages so you may as well have pierced him with cupids arrow (again) with that.

You have a Spotify blend now. It’s his favorite thing ever to listen to while you’re gone.

(X)

Your package came in! :-) I would get it for you but

I can’t :-(

lol it’s fine thank you for telling me, I’ll get it when I come home

When are you coming home?

idk me and my friends are probably going to go eat somewhere and we might hang out for a bit after that so, like, 10? 11? I’d like to be home before midnight.

Noooooooooo :\ I miss you

Aw cmon eddy it’s not that bad

Don’t call me eddy unless you’re coming home and saying it to my face!!! >:(

u mean ur screen? lol

I have a face and it’s frowning right now. I miss you I miss you I miss you IM LONELY

Please Edgar don’t be upset I’ll be home before you know it. Why don’t you watch some Netflix or something? I’m just a couple movies away from being home with you!

He does eventually follow your advice but he’s pouting. He knows you’re not like he was all those years ago, but it does give him remnants of that burning feeling of loneliness he used to get.

(X)

Be careful driving home my love the roads are icy.

Ghsks- what

love???

Well yeah, you’re my best friend, friends love each other don’t they? Was I wrong about that? :-(

nonono ur right its just it

it just sounded like we were some some old married couple is all haha

O.

SRY.

He didn’t message you for the rest of the day. He was awkward and reserved when you got home.

(X)

Hey Edgar can u do something for me?

I’d do anything for you <3

I’m at the store can you see if there’s any cereal left?

Oh

There’s that old box of Lucky Charms on the fridge.

tyyy ed edd n eddy

You are so adorable but you really need to pick up on his hints before he combusts.

(X)

This is SO me and you!!

Picture of two cats touching noses.

awww that’s so true

you want me to boop ur screen or something when I get home? lol

YES.

(X)

Hey I was wondering if you wanted to watch some movies with me tonite… you could bring me with you on the couch and we could sit together… [message unsent]

I wish you knew just how much I loved you. [message unsent]

You looked so hot this morning before you left!!

hahahaha ur too funny 😅 thanks I wore a new shirt my friend gave me

OH MY GOD THAT MESSAGE SENT!!!??!?!?

That was

I was a joke

I mean

That was a jokg

I eas beinf fubny

I hace to reboot BRB

Poor lil guy is so in love and he doesn’t know what to do with himself!!

[sturnsblogs]

THE SECOND DATE

Nick X Tattoo!Artist!Mateo

—

Warnings- Angst, Convincing for consent, manipulation, not proof read.

—

Mateo [8:03 PM]:

hey you. survived your nosy brothers or did they start planning our wedding already?

Nick [8:04 PM]:

lmao barely

matt tried to “casually” ask if you were my boyfriend in the middle of dinner

and chris pulled up your instagram on the TV to “analyze the vibe”

Mateo [8:05 PM]:

okay but what’s the verdict? did i pass?

Nick [8:06 PM]:

chris said you have “boyfriend face” which idk what that means but apparently it’s a compliment

matt said “I mean if you’re happy bro”

so yeah. you passed.

barely.

Mateo [8:07 PM]:

lucky me

but like… did you tell them i’m your boyfriend or nah?

Nick [8:09 PM]:

we hung out one time. calm down, romeo.

Mateo [8:10 PM]:

you didn’t say no though

just saying.

Nick [8:11 PM]:

you’re literally impossible.

Mateo [8:12 PM]:

and yet you’re still texting me.

interesting.

Nick [8:12 PM]:

maybe i’m just bored.

or maybe i like hearing your stupid flirty comments more than i should.

Mateo [8:13 PM]:

maybe?

damn. you’re playing hard to get. i respect it.

but just so you know—i’ve been smiling at my phone for like ten minutes now.

Nick [8:15 PM]:

shut up

don’t make this weird.

Mateo [8:15 PM]:

we had a weirdly perfect hug and held hands like we were in a movie. we passed “weird” a while ago.

[Later that night — 12:34 AM]

Mateo:

you ever hear a song and think “yeah that’s what kissing him would feel like” or is that just me being dramatic again?

Nick [12:36 AM]:

what song?

Mateo [12:36 AM]:

“lover is a day” by cuco. don’t laugh.

i was walking home and it came on and i just… thought of you.

Nick [12:38 AM]:

shut UP

that’s literally been in my playlist since high school

you are such a sap.

Mateo [12:39 AM]:

i know. it’s disgusting.

so… answer the question or nah?

Nick [12:40 AM]:

i think about kissing you more than i probably should

so yeah. you’re not alone.

Mateo [12:41 AM]:

ok wow

i wanna say something really smooth now but all i can think of is “you make my brain melt” so… there’s that.

Nick [12:42 AM]:

that was weirdly smooth. in a Mateo kind of way.

Mateo [12:44 AM]:

then let me be even smoother:

i’m free thursday night.

come over. let me cook you dinner. we’ll watch something dumb after.

maybe kiss once. maybe kiss twice. if you let me.

Nick [12:45 AM]:

so a real date?

Mateo [12:46 AM]:

only if you stop calling it a “hangout” this time.

Nick [12:47 AM]:

…okay.

fine. it’s a date.

but if your cooking sucks i’m never talking to you again.

Mateo [12:47 AM]:

deal. but if my cooking slaps, i get a kiss and you’re not allowed to argue.

chef’s rules.

Nick [12:48 AM]:

…we’ll see.

goodnight, lover boy.

Mateo [12:49 AM]:

goodnight, pretty boy.

A FEW DAYS LATER

Nick stood in front of Mateo’s apartment door, staring at it like it might bite him. He could hear music through the wall—some indie playlist humming faintly, something with warm guitar and lazy vocals. He smoothed down his hoodie, shifted the yogurt cup in his hand (he brought dessert because he panicked and didn’t know what else to do), then knocked.

The door opened almost immediately.

“Wow,” Mateo said, leaning against the frame with that half-smile Nick was starting to know too well. “You actually showed up.”

Nick rolled his eyes, trying to play it cool. “Yeah, yeah. I bring frozen yogurt one time and suddenly I’m reliable.”

Mateo stepped back to let him in. “You brought dessert? That’s dangerously boyfriend behavior.”

Nick raised an eyebrow. “You made me dinner. That’s husband behavior.”

Mateo grinned. “Touché.”

The apartment was warm and smelled like garlic and something roasting. Nick scanned the space—cozy, a little messy, walls scattered with art prints and a couple sketches that looked like tattoo designs. A hoodie was tossed over the back of the couch, and a candle burned low on the windowsill.

Mateo caught him looking. “Sorry it’s kinda chaotic in here. I cleaned. A little.”

“It’s cute,” Nick said, and realized instantly what he said. His cheeks flushed.

But Mateo just smiled, softer this time. “You’re cute.”

Nick pretended not to hear that. “What’d you make?”

Mateo led him to the kitchen where two plates were already set on the counter. “Pasta with homemade sauce. Don’t ask what’s in it. Just lie and say it’s amazing.”

Nick took a bite. Paused. “…Okay, rude. Why is this actually amazing?”

Mateo beamed. “Told you. Chef’s rules.”

They moved to the couch after dinner, frozen yogurt in hand, feet up, shoulders brushing. They picked some random movie and didn’t pay attention to any of it. The conversation was too easy—about tattoos they wanted, random things they hated as kids, Mateo’s insane neighbor upstairs, YouTube drama, and eventually, again, things that mattered.

“So…you’ve been out for a while?” Mateo asked softly, his thumb absently tracing the edge of his yogurt cup.

Nick nodded. “Yeah. Since I was like…eighteen? Online at least. I don’t know. It’s always just been kind of part of me.”

Mateo nodded. “That’s cool. I didn’t come out until after high school. Didn’t really feel like I could. But I guess I’m making up for lost time now.”

Nick smiled at that, eyes flicking down to where Mateo’s hand rested just beside his. Almost close enough to touch.

“You’re good at this,” Nick said quietly.

Mateo tilted his head. “At what?”

Nick didn’t look at him. “At being open. Making things feel…easy.”

Mateo was quiet for a second. Then, like it was nothing, he let his pinky graze Nick’s. Just the softest brush. He didn’t look away when he did it. Nick didn’t flinch. So Mateo’s fingers slowly wrapped around his.

Their hands stayed there, tangled together like it had always been that way.

They were maybe twenty minutes into the movie—something with a vague plot and too many characters—when Mateo leaned back with a dramatic sigh, stretching his arms behind the couch.

“This movie is terrible,” he muttered. “We should’ve just put on Shrek or something.”

Nick laughed, his knee bumping into Mateo’s. “You picked it.”

Mateo looked over at him, eyes a little lazy from the warmth of the apartment and the quiet buzz between them. “Okay but like… if I said I needed a better view, would that be a dumb excuse to make you cuddle with me?”

Nick raised a brow, trying not to smile. “Extremely dumb.”

Mateo grinned. “And yet?”

Nick paused for a second. Then he shifted, leaning just slightly until his shoulder rested against Mateo’s arm. “Don’t make it weird,” he said under his breath.

Mateo’s voice dropped, all mock-serious. “Never.”

He adjusted, just enough to loop an arm behind Nick, letting his hand rest lightly on Nick’s waist. It wasn’t forceful. It wasn’t pushy. But it was definitely intentional.

Nick didn’t pull away.

He just sank into the warmth a little more, head eventually resting against Mateo’s shoulder, their bodies fitting together like they’d done this before.

The screen flickered with some over-the-top action scene they both ignored. Mateo’s thumb moved in slow circles against Nick’s side, his other hand still cradling the forgotten yogurt cup. Nick could feel his heartbeat in his ears, but he didn’t move.

“You’re comfortable,” Nick mumbled, voice quiet, half-asleep against him.

Mateo smiled to himself. “Yeah?” he whispered back. “You’re literally melting into me right now.”

“Shut up.”

Mateo rested his cheek against Nick’s hair, and for a moment, everything went still. Just the hum of the movie and their breath syncing up.

He didn’t say it out loud, but Nick felt it anyway:

You can relax with me.

And for once, he actually did.

The movie played on, completely ignored at this point. Nick was curled into Mateo’s side, his cheek resting on his shoulder, eyelids heavy but still fluttering open every now and then. Mateo hadn’t said much, just kept his arm around him, fingers tracing slow, absentminded circles on the hem of Nick’s hoodie.

At some point, Mateo’s hand drifted lower, just resting near Nick’s waistband. His fingertips toyed with the soft cotton of his shirt, dipping beneath the hem like he wasn’t even thinking about it—like it was second nature. His pinky slipped just barely under the waistband of Nick’s sweatpants, warm against his skin.

Nick’s breath caught, barely, but he didn’t move. He didn’t tense. His body just settled more heavily into Mateo’s, chest rising and falling a little slower.

Mateo noticed, of course. But he didn’t push it. He just let his fingers rest there, soft and careful, his touch both grounding and electric all at once.

A few more minutes passed. Nick tilted his head up slightly, voice low. “You’re not subtle.”

Mateo smiled. “Didn’t say I was trying to be.”

Nick’s eyes were barely open, but he was smiling too now—small and sleepy and real. “You’re warm.”

“You’re clingy,” Mateo teased back, but it came out softer than he meant.

They stayed like that for a moment—quiet, breathing the same air, fingertips still brushing skin.

And then Nick looked at him, really looked, even though his vision was foggy with sleep.

Mateo leaned in.

Slow, slow, slower—until their noses brushed, and Nick met him halfway.

It wasn’t dramatic or practiced. It wasn’t rushed. It was just a gentle, tired kiss—mouths barely moving, lips barely parted, but everything about it said stay.

Nick was still breathless when Mateo kissed him again, slower this time—less sleepy, more wanting. The kind of kiss that lingered even after their lips broke apart. Nick’s body was curled into his, warm and soft beneath the blanket, and Mateo’s hands started to wander again—familiar now. More comfortable.

He kissed down Nick’s jaw, his neck, barely brushing skin. His hand slid under the hem of Nick’s hoodie again, fingertips grazing up his stomach and then down, slow and deliberate, until they hovered just under the waistband of Nick’s sweatpants.

“Still okay?” Mateo asked, his voice low, his lips brushing Nick’s collarbone.

Nick nodded, but it was hesitant.

Mateo kissed him again, firmer this time, like he was trying to pull a different answer from him.

“You’re so hard to read sometimes,” Mateo murmured, hand sliding further under the waistband. “Feels like you want this.”

Nick inhaled sharply, his breath shaky.

“I do,” he admitted, quietly. “Just…”

Mateo pulled back a little, eyes dark and locked on his. “Just what?”

Nick looked up at him, wide-eyed, nervous. “We’ve only hung out, like… twice. This week.”

Mateo exhaled, lips brushing Nick’s jaw. “So?”

“I don’t know,” Nick said, voice small now. “I just—I think it’s too soon for this.”

Mateo didn’t move his hand right away. He rested his forehead against Nick’s instead, keeping him close. “You’re already here though,” he said softly. “You stayed. You kissed me first this time. You let me touch you. Don’t overthink it.”

Nick went quiet, his throat tightening.

Mateo leaned down, kissing him again—gentle, persuasive. His fingers moved just a little further, slipping beneath fabric in a way that made Nick’s whole body stiffen.

He pulled back sharply this time.

“Wait—no,” Nick said, sitting up fast. “Mateo, seriously. I can’t.”

Mateo froze, chest rising and falling a little heavier now. His jaw flexed, not in anger exactly—but frustration was definitely creeping in.

“Nick,” he said slowly. “It’s not that deep.”

Nick shook his head. “Maybe to you, but it is to me.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds. Nick stared down at his hands. Mateo leaned back against the pillows, his eyes unreadable now.

“You said you liked me,” Mateo muttered.

“I do,” Nick said, his voice breaking a little. “But liking you doesn’t mean I’m ready.”

Mateo let out a breath, quieter this time, and rubbed a hand over his face. “Fine.”

Nick stood up slowly, pulling down his hoodie and adjusting the waistband of his sweats like he needed the physical barrier again. He didn’t say anything else.

Mateo didn’t stop him.

And the silence that followed felt louder than anything either of them could’ve said.

Finally later on

Mateo’s car was parked in the quiet shadow of Nick’s building, engine off, the air between them dim and thick. The stereo played low—some dreamy indie track neither of them were really listening to. Nick sat curled toward the window, picking at the seam of his sleeve. His heart was loud in his chest.

Mateo turned to face him, hand resting lazily on Nick’s thigh. His touch was slow, thumb dragging small circles into the fabric. He leaned in a little, voice gentle, careful.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he murmured. “I just want you to feel good.”

Nick blinked, lips slightly parted. “Mateo…”

Mateo’s hand slid a little higher, fingertips skimming close to where Nick’s waistband sat. His voice dropped, quieter now. “Let me take care of you, yeah? Just a little.”

Nick didn’t move. Didn’t stop him. His breath caught in his throat, but he didn’t say no.

Mateo leaned in, brushing his lips against Nick’s jaw. “You’ve been so sweet all night,” he whispered, barely there. “You make it really hard to behave.”

Nick’s voice came out like a whisper. “I know.”

Mateo kissed him softly, slow but deepening with each pass of his lips. His hand slipped beneath the waistband this time, no hesitation, and still—Nick didn’t flinch. He let it happen. His breath hitched, fingers curling against Mateo’s arm, but he stayed there, letting Mateo guide the moment.

Mateo pulled back enough to look at him. “You okay?”

Nick nodded once, small. “Yeah.”

Mateo smiled, the soft kind that looked almost proud. “Good. Just relax.”

So Nick did. Or at least, he tried to.

He leaned into the kiss again, body warm and shaky, caught between the high of being wanted and the quiet tug of something uncertain underneath. But Mateo was gentle, lips sweet, voice softer than ever as he kissed down Nick’s throat like a promise.

For now, Nick gave in to it.

Even if part of him wasn’t sure he was ready—he didn’t say no.

Nick woke up late the next morning in his own bed. The sun was already too bright, bleeding through his blinds, and his sheets felt too warm. His body was sore in that dull, spent way, but it wasn’t the physical that had him staring blankly at the ceiling—it was the heavy ache sitting in his chest.

Everything about the night before rushed back all at once. Mateo’s hands. The car. The heat. The kisses. The way Nick had let it happen without really thinking it through.

He reached for his phone, fingers sluggish and hesitant.

10:42 AM

nick: hey

nick: can i ask u something

nick: what are we?

He stared at the screen. Read and reread the words. His stomach twisted while the typing bubble popped up almost instantly.

And then—

mateo: friends.

That was it.

Just one word. Sharp. Casual. Like none of it had meant more than a shared hoodie or an inside joke.

Nick just stared. Then blinked. Then stared again. His chest went cold.

nick: …seriously?

nick: we literally had sex last night

nick: and you’re saying we’re friends?

Mateo left it on delivered.

Nick could feel the spiral start, crawling up the back of his throat.

nick: why’d you act like you cared then

nick: why’d you kiss me like that. touch me like that

nick: you told me to trust you

Still nothing.

His fingers shook a little as he typed the next.

nick: was this a game to you or something?

Finally, Mateo responded.

mateo: you wanted it too

mateo: don’t put that all on me

mateo: we were both in the moment

Nick swallowed hard. It burned.

nick: yeah. i did want it

nick: but i didn’t know you were gonna pretend it meant nothing after

mateo: i never promised anything nick

mateo: i told you not to overthink it

That did it.

Nick tossed his phone onto the bed, chest tight, jaw clenched. He’d never felt this small. Like he’d let someone into a part of himself he usually kept locked away, only to have them laugh in the face of it afterward.

And now?

Now he didn’t know if he was more mad at Mateo… or at himself.

—

A/N- To explain this the storyline is kind of weird with Mateo if you have any questions let me know in my inbox!

My beautiful babies- @blushsturns @starrii-sturns @izzylovesmatt @chrisslut04 @oopsiedaisydeer @csturnioloswifey @just-a-girl-1 @sturdyyolo @sturnslvtt @sturnbows @sturniolosrtewsexy @chriss-slutt @franticroads @thecrawlys @ribbonlovergirl @freshlyinlovewchris @whore4chris @matts-girlfriend @ariana3lovesu @sturnl0ve @cass-sturn @sturns-mermaid @sunrisemill @fadedstvrn @ikyoudreamofme @mattsdemi @kitkatbar1275 @skelet0nsinmyycloset-deactivate @lezleeferguson-120 @bells-sturn @sturniolosymphony @kenziesturniolo54 @kikirasweatsweathoho @emely9274 @sturnns-world @realuvrrr r @zenithsturniolo

[firefly--bright]

sound//waves

jean kirstein x fem!reader, modern a.u.

summary ; each sound has its own shape, something tangible for you to feel. jean's shapes are weightless but important, and you find the importance of your own shapes through him. warnings ; reader being self-conscious of her voice :') idk what the trope is here. pining idiots who don't realise they're both in the same boat, also brief alcohol consumption a/n ; hehe,,, this fic was a pretty long time coming i think? but its for @/samepictureofjeankirsteverday on instagrams celebration for hitting 1k days!! so congratulations!! its also inspired by her own fic, quietude on ao3 :) pls give it a read its SO CUTE and i loved it sm <333 congratulations again :33 ALSO i have never done karaoke before so im sorry for any,,, errors. i genuinely dont know how they work and ive watched only like 2 animes with a very vague karaoke scene </3 just pretend that every inaccuracy is For The Plot taglist ; @holding-infinity-and-a-book , @mrsnobodynobody , @hopeless-anti-romantic-again , @jeanscremebrulee , @berrijam , @happxme , @cherrypieyourface , @imgayandshesanime , @moonmalice , @kivernova , @potaho3frog , @xakilicious , @katestrophes , @gojo-ana , @ppushable, @candleohappiness , @zombiefiedskeivy

masterlist is in pinned post ✿ enter my taglist ✿ requests for headcanons are open! ✿ playlist to listen to while reading! (it has a couple karaoke songs wink wink) ✿

right tile art credits ; @ppushable on tumblr!

you'd always been conscious of how loud your voice could get. 

a little annoying, you thought, because whenever you got excited about something, your voice would jump through octaves, creating an exponential curve on a graph. when you were with friends who knew how to make you laugh, your throat would make a weird sound - stuck between a guffaw and a choke of self-conscious laughter - if it was particularly funny. and your voice was always stuck between the contrasting spaces of either being too loud or too quiet, never really being able to gauge what was required when. 

you'd rather listen than talk. your voice would work around the right people, your mouth having a mind of its own, spilling contents you didn't agree to, but you'd regret the sound of it later. secrets would lie, open, barren, self-aware, in a disgusting pile of weird decibels on your table, in the space between you and whoever had to bear witness to it. you always cringed at the sound of your own voice after hearing it back in video, wherever it was captured. 

you grew up quiet, never growing used to using your voice until you were a late teenager. not knowing the importance of words until they were said, until after the reactions were met. 

and then you met jean. loud, boisterous laughter filled the room as he shouted the rules of the game, clearly drunk, at a party you couldn't remember the importance of, and you were next to your equally as loud and agreeing friend who shouted cheers and another one, her other half, she had loudly exclaimed, her twin, really, and you could hear the resemblance in the way they both chanted a cheer of “jean! jean! jean! jean!” continuously as the guy wearing a button-up shirt that was now soaked with wine with a bottle of the liquid held a considerable height away from him, drinking with twitching lips and shut eyes. He stopped with a spluttering cough, unashamed still, a large, cocky grin plastered over his lips - plump and red with the tint of the wine. Then he let out a loud whoop and you wondered how he didnt feel the guilt of being loud weighing down on him. Maybe it was the alcohol, you assumed, taking a cautious, controlled sip of your own. Sasha and connie soon joined him, and along with their arm came yours, linked in between sasha’s tight grip.

Introductions were made, voices inclining louder to be heard over the music. “Sash told us about you,” jean shouted, a surprisingly inviting smile on his intimidating face, and you joked around, “yeah shes in love with me!” jean all but nodded with an approving smile, and the rest of the evening by pounding music that you could feel your heartbeat on, and you don't hear jean’s presence until about two weeks after it all.

He was quiet then. Suddenly his face went back to being intimidating, and his voice was heard through a groan the first time you heard it after the boisterous party. “Marc, can you please-”

Marco continues about his day, and then you add on with your unfamiliar voice shrinking under the sounds of the cafeteria that was quickly filling in with tangible shapes of voices. The rest of them have to lean in a little closer to you to listen, and your voice shakes against your chest at the bearable effort just to talk about your mundane and frankly low-grade joke about stagnant coffee that you couldnt even remember after you said it, but somehow made them laugh.

“Oh hey!” marco spoke from beside him after he spotted your head approaching them from a distance, his voice a happy, upbeat version of it’s usual quiet and important self. You waved to them with a smile, not uttering a word until you were at their table. With sasha beside you, you let her do the talking at first. Consonants loud, slight country accent clear as the day above you, she spoke about the “boooorrriinnggg” lecture she just had to attend, her back slumping against the seat. Your face rested consciously on your palm, an unintentional look shared between you and jean that said mostly nothing but quiet and secret amusement. His eyes were pretty, speaking a thousand, weighted words against his lids, all of which were heard clearly by you. Hes a stranger, really, nothing more than a name and a scruffy but pretty face, but that didnt stop the bounds of familiarity working their way through the shared space between you. Marco snorts from beside him, and pushes his remaining fries to the brunette. Sasha hums approvingly, comforting, the waves travelling to you safely. Undisturbed, just how youd prefer them to be, and her voice floats above your body, letting it settle there, with you looking at it’s gentle remnants.

“Ackerman’s classes are always a terror-shock,” jean spoke, now, directly to  you, eyes on yours, and you had to stop yourself from being consumed by the tidal waves of sound - his voice, low, warm, joking, natural as if your presence was just enough for him to find comfort in.  

You laugh along with him and your voice - a hungry animal of itself - involuntarily, becomes more itself than you’ve ever found it to be. Which is a shock, but then sasha rests her head on your shoulder, asking you, “when’s your next class?” her voice vibrating on your shoulder, travelling through your bones. Your voice - the hungry animal - or whatever it gently became, replies with a, “in a couple minutes.” 

“What block?” jean asks, and marco checks his phone for his own calendar. 

You hum even if you don't have to think, “block-b. Just a bit of a walk.”

“I have class the same way. I can walk you,” he says, casually, picking his back up from the ground beside him, his knee knocking into yours for a moment. He doesn't apologize. You get up next, picking up the remnants of the trash left on your table and follow him.

His voice is a constant after that. Surprisingly, his voice becomes something you reach out to, the tendrils of waves asking you to stay a bit longer, to shed your coat, to give him your bag to hold. Gentle commands that all but fuel your hungry voice, lungs soaking into whatever has become of his laughter mixed with yours. 

“Karaoke night!” sasha shouts, entering the apartment with no remorse of her voice being louder than the howling dogs at night. You exchange a natural, knowing glance with jean who stands next to you in the kitchen, handing you a spoon. Connie follows her in, and his presence is just as loud, the shape being a little sharp against your palm, just enough to remind you that this is your friend. His bag flops against the table and he groans with each joint that moves in him. 

“Im going to sing the best songs-” he starts, but jean is quick to cut his voice off, as usual, “-you’re going to sing CPR by Cuppcake you crazy bastard, im going to hit you-” “im not going to sing that! I have taste and dignity and-” “-you have a will to make us suffer.” jean states, and the two of them go back and forth while you hand marco’s cup to him in the living room. “Thanks,” he says, whispered among the background, his lips pursed with an attempt of hiding his laughter. 

You smile back at him, but your laugh isnt hidden. You turn around, hands on your hips, exclaiming, “okay! Karaoke night in three hours. Then we go to mitras’ and eat something good.”

Sasha agreed with a mouthful of food and a muffled voice, and you reeled from the fact that you could project your own voice into the apartment with such force. You’ve always been loud, and your mouth always ended up working by itself, spilling contents you didn't agree to be spilt, and you grew quiet again with the consciousness of it all. You never knew how to strike the right balance between quiet and loud.

But then you met jean, who was looking at you, his mouth drawn between half smirk and half amusement, brows raised only slightly, enough to keep you questioning.

“What?” you asked him. Cornered him, really, and your voice was meant to be sharp but ended up being soft around it’s edges, a happy smile accompanying it, and jean’s smirk widened, just by a bit. He shrugged. “Nuffin,” he said, voice half-hidden and half-proud under the food he was chewing. 

Chips. Barbeque, the ones you bought especially for him, the one sasha was hoarding. You narrowed your eyes at him in faux suspicion, but let it go only a bit after, turning your back to him as his voice travels to you without hinderance. “Sash, stop eating th3e damn-” “i’ll do whatever i want to!” she says, turning her back on him as well, facing the marble countertop of the kitchen with jean’s - now her - bag of chips, crinkling under her fingers as she dug through them, feeding one to you.

Karaoke was set. Three hours timing, as you said - a little too loud, unconscious of it being that way - and your shoes squeak over the floor. There had been a significant wait, but connie’s rambling had done you good. “For once,” jean said, voice barely heard over the sound of all the other occupied rooms, “he’s useful.” “that’s not what you said last night.” connie says, but his voice is octaves higher than jean’s and impossible to ignore. You open the door to the room with a smile, and marco groans. “Guys, keep it in your pants for one night.” “im not the one-!” jean starts, but sasha clamps his mouth shut with her hand. “If you're not going to sing, i don't want to hear your stupid, neighing voice complaining,” she said, a murderous tilt in the sound, something you didn't want to mess with.

Sasha in a bad mood wasn't sasha at all - a learned fact that had been taught very unfortunately to you - and you tried your best to get her moods up with whatever means necessary, hopping next to the big screen and detangling the wire of the microphone as marco scrolled through the song options, humming under his breath. A round of lemon sodas was immediately ordered, and jean left a seat for you in the corner of the couch facing the screen, an unsaid determination to get you to sit closer to him. Connie slung his arm around marco’s shoulders and, like the demon on the former’s shoulder, guided him to choose Copacabana by barry manillow.

“Wanna duet, beautiful?” he asked you, hand flat open for you to hand him the mic. You raised your brows with a smile, “you cant handle me, springer.” even if in reality, it was you who couldnt handle him, his voice ten times louder and unashamed than yours, something you admired.

“sash! Connie’s challenging you!” you say instead, smile poisoning your sentence, making it irregular. “hey! I never said-” he starts, but sasha bounces off her seat to your voice, hugging your arm, taking up the challenge and squinting at connie with vitriol. “You're on, baldie.”

Connie’s not a competitive person. He’d never cared about grades, about being first in class, about races, in board games - it was all just that to him. A game, something to have fun about; an admirable trait if went unpaired with the rest of his jokes. But he liked doing things out of spite - a revenge that flowed so deep that he had to do something drastic. 

Even before the music turned on, before their cue, they'd started their serenading, making marco wince with an adoring smile as he grabbed sasha’s outstretched, inviting hand.

You made your way back to jean, as you always found yourself doing, licking your lips against the cold of the AC blasting in the room, the floors shaking under the weight of your beating heart to the thumps of the song, rhythmic and out of tune. Marco sang well, you knew this, but his voice got lost under the competitiveness of sasha and connie, shouting over each other and clambering over the lyrics as they ran away from the screen, still getting the words wrong. 

You laugh, sitting down, stealing a chip from the bowl jean held in his lap as he flipped through the book of remarks strangers before you had written in the same room, their handwritings messy and intoxicated with the extensive - and expensive - cocktail menu, hearts littered under the praises of their time. 

“I wonder if they added it,” you said, almost shouting as he leaned in as well, head ducking near your mouth to hold your words in his heart. Impossibly close, his cologne masking the smell of the leathery couch and the stinge of cold air, and he lifts his head, a curious glint in his eye only enhanced by the rotating, artificial, lights that played their colours on the wall along with the trapped soundwaves. “Wanna check?” his lips upturned into a smirk, a pink light bouncing off his hair, then green, then a blue, the same colours in the same order projecting onto you and the adoring afflictions of his voice were not lost on you.

Jean chuckled, the sound hiding under the unbearable symphonies, pointing his finger at one of the notes. “Someone wrote-” you had to lean in close to hear him, afraid that you wouldn't catch the waves woven so delicately and carefully for you, that you'd miss them, somehow, “-that they are sad that… oh shit, thats connie.” the note, scrawled with a blue ballpoint pen, complained about how there was a lack of the sonic movie soundtrack on the machine. You laughed, your shoulders shaking under the now weightless time, a physical proof of your smile. Jean held it in his heart, woven carefully, as if it would slip away somehow.

 

Something to do. Together, like a secret, because really, how else would he say it if not like this? Like the shape carved itself just for you, smooth and soft. How else would he say something unimportant so close to you, his hand encircling your shoulders, arm resting on the back of the couch, voice the only thing you hear even if the loudness of the setting is all too present and all too distracting. Because that’s what this was, even with the distracting and present and loudness of the setting, he asks you, and his words form their own shape and fall into your lap, a gentle, warm question with round edges, easy to hold in your open palms that eagerly closed over it to not let it go.

Your heart beats to the thumps of the song. Your teeth ache with the sweetness of his voice as you nod with the same glint in your eye, and the unsaid but well-heard command is enough to get him standing up and walking to the machine, checking and flipping over the songs that offered themselves, his white shirt tinted against the moody lighting, the old bracelet you made him hanging over his wrist with a poorly tied knot that somehow withstood the test of time and weather and temperatures of his warm body. His hand scratched the back of his neck, and the present song was almost coming to an end, not that you were paying attention to it, but it was hard to not remind yourself of the moment you were in when the moment included him, the same ground he stood on being the same ground your feet rested on, the same room his voice held and clung onto also being the same room your own voice was in, floating to his, something you found it doing a little too often.

Your name was spoken on the microphone, brightly, with a wide smile, something you hadn't been used to until you met sasha. Your eyes met hers, crinkled at the ends with a smile wider than her heart, as she pointed at you, “your turn! jean-boy, choose something!” met with another shared and important - because all of them were important - glance with jean, eyebrows raised, affection rippling over his features, and you relented, hopping up to the microphone as she handed it to you.

“Oh, but when i asked you to, you didn't sing? I see how it is," Connie said, teasing smile on his lips. Marco shook his head with a smile as you shrugged. “You dont pay the rent,” you said simply, and the opening to cant take my eyes off of you by frankie vallie clung to your clothes, spreading a wide and knowing smile over your face, glancing at jean again. Again.

Sasha watches. Seeing it play out - not rehearsed, a little clunky, your shoes creaking under your weight as you hop to the beat, looking at jean who, in turn, looks at you, and sasha watches. Your voice hums out the tune before you sing it, before the lyrics start rolling in, impatience staining your tongue because of excitement, and she watches. Connie gulps down his drink from the corner of the room and tries getting up, but marco pushes him back down with a gentle and forceful hand, “dont,” his voice says, lost again, and connie doesnt ask why. Sasha hands her microphone to jean, clunky and unrehearsed, and he takes it without reluctance because he could never refuse being near you. 

Your shoulders shake without effort or thinking, and the usual hesitance that comes to jean so easily, like habit, almost disappears, finding solace in god knows where but he’s just glad its not there right now, with you. Brilliant smile, voice usually small and a little uneasy now grows with the swell of the song and he cant help but not sing. His voice is nothing but background and really, all he’s doing is humming into the mic just as you were moments before, and he sees everything. Your voice makes it hard not to notice you, stark against the background of the four walled-room, head bopping to the beat. It's hard not to notice when something so tangible and breathing and beautiful is in front of him, singing, smiling towards him, looking at him like you do with your eyes all shiny and almost sparkling under the shitty lights, he thinks, how can someone make a karaoke room feel like a shrine? 

He's not poetic. He knows this - out of the two of you, you find more of the metaphors, the small but noteworthy variables with the phrases and words - but he’d turn into a poet just to make one of the songs you like to sing so much. Humming under your breath, kept there until future and important use while making coffee, lost lyrics that you couldn't remember building up at the back of your throat as your hand flew across the your computer’s keyboard but even then he’d choose your inexperienced and unpracticed voice over a well made concert. 

Your lips shine with the light, and he forgets how to breathe. His mic floats somewhere near his mouth, he’s sure of that much, but everything else is lost to him. Your voice becomes his guide, wavering a little at the higher pitches, careful of the lyrics. You mess up once, laugh it off, shrugging your shoulders, and your smile is etched onto the speakers, making their way across the room and into his ears and, god, he can feel it. The beat doesn't matter to him, his heart finds the way of your voice and beats to it. As soft, as careful, unhesitant and unrestrained until the three minutes and twenty-four seconds of the song are over. And all he did was blink.

You turn, handing the mic back to sasha, connie’s standing applause met with a wide, unbashful grin and a little bow, faux pride in your posture. 

Jean all but follows your footsteps only a little ways from sasha, as she chooses another song of her liking, and his eyes are on you, adjusting the sleeve of your shirt that had folded up. You look at him, lips moving under his gaze, sound travelling and only a little delayed because jean thinks about your lips for too long. “You have a good voice,” you remark, smiling, and he blinks. Thank god the place is only dimly lit because his face feels red, heart pumping dangerously close to his chest. 

“Yeah?” he asks, as if he needs confirmation. Really, he just wants to hear your voice again.

You hum. He leans in to hear it as if it's something more important. It is, to him, every molecule that's disturbed by your voice to reach to his ear is something that he needs to be accounted for. He’ll make a home there, he thinks, where your voice lives in between the atoms, the shape it makes mid-air, just for him to hear.

“HORSEBOY THIS ONES FOR YOU,” connie shouts in the already loud speaker, making jean wince, connie pointing his finger between jean’s brows, a scowl on the latter’s features. The starting notes of “my heart will go on” start playing, and jean groans, head tilting upwards, catching the way you laugh softly, and turning to you incredulously. 

“Y’know your bald head is shining like a disco ball right now?” he says in retaliation to the now belting-his-heart-out connie, his hand making a fist over his heart, eyes screwed shut, pinch between his eyebrows, knees bending at an almost-painful angle that will most surely make them hurt later, with marco doing the background vocals, eyes closed, and… was that a tear? 

“Jesus, and then? what did he say?” sasha’s voice loudly asked, uncaring for any sleeping neighbours that would surely be jolted awake by her, coercing you to tell her more about the terrible group project you had just gotten out of last week. “He said he’d just give the work to someone who owed him a favour.” you said with mild but mostly dissipated annoyance.

Marco winced from in front of you, legs crossing two steps at a time. Jean scowled, turning his face to yours from where he climbed beside marco, “what the fuck?” to which you could only shrug with pursed lips. Sasha’s arm was around your shoulders, her fingers tracing comfortable shapes on the cup of your shoulder. 

“Wait, who owed him a favour?” connie asked from behind you, two steps under yours. You spared him a glance and shrugged again, “no idea. And then, of course, he told me, last minute, that they couldn't do it and he didn't have the skills,” you put air quotations around the last word, clearing your throat for dramatic effect, “to complete it himself.” 

“What the fuck does that even mean-” “what a fucking dick,” “god, im so sorry,” jeans voice was the first one you heard, followed by sasha’s, and then marco’s. “I wish we could still guillotine people.” connie spoke up just after you crossed the last step, marco’s shoes squeaking to a halt before your door. You fished your keys out of your pocket, opening the door to its jingle.

“Guillotines are for rich people, dumbass,” jean said, rolling his shoulders back as if the sentence itself burdened him.

“of course you’d say that, you french fuck.” connie spoke, wiggling out of his coat the second he stepped through your door. Sasha went headfirst for the couch, collapsing into the cushions without any plan to remove her own coat. Her soft snores soon filled the apartment - a trait both her and jean shared. The two could fall asleep anywhere and anytime, state of their body be damned. Jean had told you, after a long nap, his voice a low hum, that he had insomnia as a kid. He didn't know how he grew out of it, but it ended up with him on the opposite side of the sleep spectrum - unable to wake up unless shaken very violently. He asked you to slap him awake once, and when you hesitated, connie stepped in with a loud smack to jean’s cheek.

Marco stretched out his arms while walking to sasha’s room. “Im taking her bed.” he says, a tired yawn stretching out at the end of his sentence. Connie groans, “where will i sleep?” he asks, looking at you with a smirk, “if only a beautiful girl with a pretty voice tells me i can use her room…oh, if only,” he sighs, placing the back of his hand on his forehead. 

“Yeah. if only, you bitchless moron.” jean says, and you shake your head with a smile. 

“Do you think women are bitches, jean?” connie asks, the hand on his forehead finding itself on his chest, gasping. sasha ‘s snores break through his sentence.

“No! I.. i love women. I mean, im not like, im not… like a slut or anything, but-” “sounds like something a slut would say. Fuckboy.” “I respect women!”

“Ladies, ladies. Stop fighting over me.” you say, walking towards your room without sparing either of them a glance, expecting jean to follow you. “Cuddle with marco, con, I know you want to.” 

Connie groans, again, a little too dramatically to be taken seriously in the first place. There’s no malice hidden in his voice, none of the usual complains you would've found, “fine. If you say so. See, jean? This is how you respect women.” 

“Youre only saying that because she’s pretty.” jean says. You try not to let it get in your head as you enter your room, your door creaking open. “Night, marco!” you whisper-yell across the hall, even though sasha’s eyes wouldn't open even a peek with any amount of sound. “Goodnight!” he whisper-yells back from across the hall, only a couple steps away from the door of your room. 

Jean and connie’s voices are still arguing about something, but you're too tired to make their words out, all of it becoming gibberish. You clear your throat - a sound that’s enough to get them to stop. “Goodnight.” 

“Hey, wait-” jean speaks, and connie snickers from behind him.

Your room is silent, save from the irregular sounds of the cars passing downstairs, gravel under their rubbery tires. Everythings been said and done; teeth brushed, face washed, pillows fluffed (by jean’s persistence). You collapsed onto bed, leaving enough room for jean to squish into, the sound of ruffling blankets and the plush, squishy pillow under your ear. He lays on his back for a moment, before facing his body towards you, the deliberate motion creating squeaks of spring from the mattress. Everything has its own sound. Jean’s hands tuck under his head, and you resist the urge to laugh at his position. He sees right through you.

“Whats so funny?” he asks, whispers, really. You're not sure why. Maybe it's the overwhelming silence, the inability of breaking the warmth that crosses across both of your bodies, sharing the same blanket.

“You look funny tucked in like that,” you say, imitating his hushed voice. Maybe it is too important, you think, to talk about things that are funny in the moment for no reason but to keep your heart steady against the faraway but present sound of his - just one of those sounds that didn't need to be heard to know it was there for you.

His sigh turns into a laugh. You're both laughing at nothing, soft puffs of air, carbon dioxide overlapping carbon dioxide. Sounds are science, right? This felt a lot like poetry. Maybe they all merge together, and Jean speaks up before you can think more about it, “do you think Connie is spooning Marco right now?” 

You laugh a little more. “Are you jealous?” “that we’re not…cuddling?” he asks, a little unsure, but with a small smile anyway. He's hesitating. You know him enough to know the way his voice - though soft and pliable right now, gaseous against your palms, shape unreadable - sounds when he's unsure. You shrug. “Are you?” you don't know if the whispering is making you bolder or if you're just tired. You’ve always been a little conscious of your voice, a little too in your head about needing to be soft, uncaring if your sentence goes unheard. It doesn't matter as long as youre peaceful, as long as your voice doesn't disrupt disrupt disrupt.

His cheeks go a little red. It's how you know you’ve got him. Your smile turns softer, a little more understanding. “I…okay,” he says. You're both not sure what he means by it, but you can't help but marking it as important, just as everything he’s said to you.

“Your voice is…really pretty, by the way.” jean states, eyes not meeting yours. His lips form a thin line after saying it, as if he’d been wanting to keep it a secret, as if the fact that it somehow got out was a fault. You don't have much to say to that, though, so the sentence lays there, between the space of the pillows, between the blankets. It’s weighed, careful but untamed, and it lingers there for a moment, soft and pliable and unconscious. 

“I mean… like everytime i hear your voice its… its nice. Not just when you're singing. I like that too.” he rambles, voice still a hush, words still soft and pliable - putty-like, shapeless but you catch them and you don't let them go, let them seep into your skin and against your bones and into your bloodstream. “When you pick up the phone, or when you're humming something. I know it's… i know you think it's not meant to be heard. But I hear you. And i… I like hearing you.” he says. He likes hearing you. He likes hearing you. The words don't have shape. They wave over you, not tidal, not forceful, but like the same warmth of the blanket that rests over your shoulders, crinkled at the edges, a little worn out as if he’s been saying it to himself before giving it to you. 

God, and youve always been conscious of your voice. So when you speak next, its a surprise to you when its not the same whisper he was speaking in, instead only a bit higher than it, enough to contain only bits of your voice, the carvings on the roof of your mouth and the back of your throat and behind your teeth have no use hiding, now, because your voice projects forward just enough. Just enough because he thinks your voice is pretty.

“I… i like yours.” you say. Your eyes slip a little shut, and you feel more than hear him shift towards you, his arm crossing over your waist. “Its beautiful. Peaceful. Even when you're…insulting eren.” you sigh into his chest. His breathing holds you just as his arms, and his warm chest stutters a bit as if he’s taking a deep breath, something that tickles the parts of your hair that are near his nose. Every sound has its feeling, every sound creates waves and its on you to make them twice more meaningful as they are despite the words they hold, and even as jean gives you wordless reactions to your senseless but meaningful words, they're all accounted for. They're all just as important, just as held as everything else he’s said because its him.

“Thank you. For speaking to me. For letting me hear you.” you say with finality, no room for argument. As if he’d argue you. His lips press to the top of your head, unmoving. His palm covers your ear, making the soft sounds of his breathing muffled, but his thumb traces shapes of his sound against your ear. 

It tickles a little, but you hear the movement clearly. 

Sound waves, importance given to them. By you and by him. 

✿

[notasimblr]

nine people i wanna get to know better

ty sm to @bobodogma and @salemssimblr for the tags. i swear to god, whenver i get mentioned for something like this, i freak out like:

music: my fav music is super eclectic and influenced significantly by my emotions! lately, i've found that my 'go-to' is punk rock and sub-genres of alternative, like nu metal and progressive. my playlists are dominated by rancid, nofx, propagandhi, and bad religion but i also have weird lil routines where i listen to 'toxicity' by system of a down when i'm writing or afi when i'm cleaning. i also have days where i listen to the entire gorillaz discography, childish gambino, chance the rapper, kendrick lamar, kid cuddi in the same breath as ethel caine, or waterparks, or playlists inspired by 'so fresh' cds from 2000 if i'm feeling nostalgic on a friday! i kinda love a bit of everything??? like i'm keen for yungblud to drop his new album in june. the last song i listened to was literally 'hello heaven' for the millionth time.

colour: i have given up on answering this question. as an auDHD alien, there's always a theme of hyperfixation that bleeds into how i experience anything from music to colours! it's usually green, pink, blue or purple but it depends on the context too. like do we mean the colour of a bedroom wall or clothing for my vtm larp? you feel me? i also noticed this weird thing where i gravitate towards calmer colours when i'm going to therapy.

currently watching: i binge watch shows regularly so there's nothing consistent. i believe the last binge was school spirits! i have comfort material that i put on for background noise when i need to feel safe or want company without the overstimulation of having actual people there?? like the simpsons

last movie: ur gonna laugh but i had never seen mission impossible at an age where i could fully understand how fucking stupid it was and my husband is like ten years older than me so he's familiar with the original films and i put on the newest one while we were eating dinner…i didn't wanna sit there trying to find something to watch bc i had just cooked thai noodle soup but the lid fell off the salt shaker and ruined it so we had to get thai from the lil place around the corner.

currently reading: a book called the icepick surgeon by sam keane! i read almost exclusively non-fiction, with the exception of vtm lore books or sookie stackhouse novels lol

sweet, spicy, or savory?: all of them! i am the biggest sweet tooth on earth tho.

relationship: married for like four years now. 10/10 would recommend if ur both low-key and neurodivergent. here u go:

current obsession: writing reflection pieces as i attend trauma therapy and investigate different approaches to exploring my v complex internal family system? it's super interesting. obvs the sims, rendering, reading, writing, editing, rpg, gaming…vtm in general.

last google: dog vomit hot smelly - hahahah. our baby girl woke up at like 3am and i let her out to pee and she came back in and spewed all over our bed. like big australian shep cross kelpie vomit…not lil chunks ok. she is totally fine now so idk!

currently working on: reorganising my mods folder for the literal thousandth time. i keep promising myself that i won't expand beyond presets and skinblends but then i start adding makeup, hair, piercings, lil accessories, supernatural stuff like ears and tails, and then it's eyes and every nose mask u could possibly conceive of. i can't stick to basics, guys. like it's an issue.

my bad if u have already been tagged for something similar but i tag @aching-joints @skaterboisims @flovoid @elderwisp @azeternasims @plumbewb @fl0pera @blackeyedaliens

[kaddyssammlung]

A few things / my perspective or rather opinion

What I still don't understand is the following: Chris has never announced a new song. At least that's how I understood his videos. They gave us clues for the new song and there were more videos like that planned.

What confused me was: after the first video that Chris gave us, there were so many online articles and Tweets saying “Sleep Token announced a new song for March 31st” and I thought “no, they did not.”

The problem that I had / have: English is NOT my first language. Sometimes I misunderstand something. I was not sure if I understood Chris's message. He said something about more information will emerge or will be released throughout this week. So I thought “oh we get more clues / riddles to solve and at the end of this week we get a new song."

What I did not consider is that some people did not understand this because they just don't want to. They just want and want and want....ego-driven. All of this is very ego-driven. The ego wants you dead. Keep that in mind. It reminds me of “let's drown everything in alcohol one last time. You did not drink for five weeks now....you did so well.....just have something...” this voice wants your death and it belongs to the ego. It does fear its own death that's why you think like that....those are not even your thoughts. You mistake your Ego for your true self.

Anyway...different topic.....

For me all those clues were fun and they still are. I just have this tendency to get lost in rabbit holes.

The first rabbit hole that I fell down had something to do with money, FIAT money, gold or rather the lack of such.....I was not ready...sudden awakening before 2012 not so great. I could explain this further, maybe I will idk. Long story short: psychosis...that's what happened. That's why I don't want to google all kinds of things and just read like crazy. Yesterday I went from Harry Potter to the hill that I have behind me to the Templar knights....you see?! Probably not XD

Sometimes I still let myself get confused but I find my center again.

It's more important to just feel into all of this.

When I looked at Spotify this morning and saw what they “released” I felt their fear. This was done out of fear and not because the time was right. At least in my perception. Fear of being cancelled?! Idk...something like that. (like I said just my opinion or how this looks in my eyes)

A little while back there was a little something that “happened”.

A website, I think it was the city Cleveland, had announced that Sleep Token will come to play a show there. The said Sleep Token ( aka multi instrumentalist [Vessel's real first name] [Vessel's real second name]) will come and play there.

When someone who is not in this fandom opens Google and sees his real name right there, of course you can assume that everyone knows.

Not my point.

People called to cancel the band....the venue.....why?! I don't understand that. Seems like someone made a mistake and mistake happen. And also they changed it and his name was no longer in the article

It seems like some people just want things in a certain way....they are entitled to a new song now and all kinds of other things. They want to band to behave a certain way. They have their assumpstions about Vessel.

I feel sorry for Chris and they way that some people came at him.

I sure had the wrath of this fandom on me a few times. I just block strange anons. I received anons that wanted me dead just because I mention Vessel's old project every now and then. I won't stop doing this. I hide everything behind spoilers and also his reall name is not in this blog.....

I don't let the trolls get to me.

Anyway....those are my unfiltered thoughts...early morning as usual XD

Sometimes I wish I was more a fan like my brother....he is a fan, too. He was happy when Emergence was released and he added it to his playlist and that's it. He asks me for news every now and then and that's it. Purely here to enjoy the music.

[im-immortal]

AO3 Roundup 2024

thank you so much for the tag @galadrieljones ! (seriously such an honor from a writer i admire so much)

tagging: @mistressheroine @pipergirl17 @piper1016 @littlelindentree @weapon13whitefang @not-so-austen @lemortehomme @raginglittlehurricane @spield @rckyfrk @deerdens @xx-cherryballerina (and anyone else who feels like doing this, pls tag me so i can read and like your post, i love you all)

—Words posted: 327,634

—Additional Words Written: unknown, but probably close to 450,000

—Grand total of words: girl idk. let's call it 500k just to be safe, especially if we're including all the words i deleted lmao

—Fandoms: The Walking Dead

—Works: another installation of Let us always find each other, To Love is To Be Alive, and Small Miracles

—Highest Kudos: Small Miracles

—Highest Hit One-shot: To Love is To Be Alive

—New Things I Tried: writing an almost-cross-over with Beth/Daryl and Detroit: Become Human. that was a fun venture into a different universe that was not of my own creation, fitting in two characters who definitely didn't belong and somehow making them belong. writing not one, but two OC's that people actually care about in Small Miracles. i genuinely didn't think anyone would care much for Gale or Mae, but now they've become nearly as beloved to the readers as they are to me and honestly, i cannot describe how good that makes me feel! particularly for my little sentient zombie boy <3

—Fic I Spent the Most Time On: Small Miracles ... and i am still spending time on it. y'all have no idea. i made playlists, i listened to songs on repeat, i added and extracted and added again to the outline, i brainstormed during downtime at work, i got new ideas while watching movies and shows. i am still doing all those things, i'm just not quite capable of putting thoughts and ideas into words like i was throughout the majority of 2024.

—Fic I Spent the Least Time On: To Love is To Be Alive -- it came to me fast and hard, i wrote it in about 2-3 weeks because it was so rapidly coming into my head and i just had to get it out.

—Favourite Thing I Wrote: Small Miracles ... duh. i fucking love this fic and still do. i can't wait to finish it.

—Favorite Thing I Read: as far as books go (pls message me if you want to add me on Goodreads), my favorite reads this year were:

The Final Girl Support Group by Grady Hendrix

A Novel Love Story by Ashley Poston

The Nanny by Lana Ferguson

Last Light by Claire Kent (this one is for all my Bethyl girlies--it's extremely Daryl/Beth-coded, so if you love Bethyl and you love post-apocalypse fiction with a healthy dash of smut, you should definitely give it a try)

and for fanfiction, i'm gonna narrow it down and say it's a tie between:

afterglow by galadrieljones

Love in the Wilderness by LeighJ

Sweet Willow by CherryParfait

Revenant by devils_might_heed_us

La Dame Blanche by MistressHeroine

genealogy by wandering_gypsy_feet

qué será, será by moonshineshacks

—Something I Finished: ummm let's be so real... the only thing i actually finished this year was To Love is To Be Alive ... sorry about that for my readers. i swear to GOD i'm doing my best to finish at least ONE more thing omg

—Miscellaneous Highlights: i played a lot more video games and read a lot more books this year than i think i have in the last five years, so that's a highlight for me (hello, i actually discovered, played, and rapidly became obsessed with the entire Life is Strange series and its universe, as well as all of the Supermassive games, from Until Dawn to The Quarry and through the entire Dark Pictures Anthology!) because i love taking inspiration from other fiction in every form. i'm very proud of myself. also, i started converting my fic Lunacy Fringe into an original novel, and it's about 3/4th of the way finished, so i am actually excited to finish that and put it out into the world just to say i did it, just to say that i actually wrote my own original novel and contributed it to the millions upon millions of self-published novels available online lol (i guess i wanna contribute to The Zeitgeist ?? idk if i'm even using that correctly??). i also pushed myself and delved into writing OC's into one of my fics and found that it was well-received, which gave me a bit of a confidence boost! not to mention, i reread Wild Love by LeighJ and commented (because for some reason i didn't comment the first time i read it?? what the hell was wrong with me?) and it ended up sparking her to add some deleted scenes and create a series that i now ADORE, and there is nothing i love more than encouraging other writers and seeing what they can come up with when they're reminded of how much their writing is appreciated. i am also incredibly proud and appreciative of @mistressheroine for everything she's written this year and all the help she's given me in my own writing, and for being such an amazing friend and just an overall great person to talk to and fangirl with. also mad kudos to @raginglittlehurricane for our shared obsession with Kyle Gallner and the Dinner in America movie, and all those countless tiktok edits we send to each other (girl, i am impatiently awaiting the release of that DiA fic... just saying).

—Writing Goals for 2025:

finish Small Miracles.

finish hot girl summer (playing by the rules).

start posting and continue writing cuffing season (part 6 of in for a penny, in for a pound).

add some chapters/possibly complete who we gotta be and Redire A Morte.

finally finish and publish Lunacy Fringe as an original novel.

somehow make time to finish and post the final chapters of Don't Make Me Haunt You.

make some more headway on my original zombie apocalypse novel, even if it's just a fully-fleshed outline.

—Final Thoughts: i have a lot of shit on my plate, especially for a sleepy bitch who works full-time and also enjoys other endeavors like movies, shows, and video games. (ps: give me a follow on twitch @im1mmortal to see me livestream like two or three times a month lol) but all in all, i feel like i am continuing to learn and grow as a writer and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me. i want to read as many books as i can, consume as much well-written media as possible, and learn as much as possible when it comes to making my own dreams come true. i know i have a lot of WIPs sitting around just waiting to be finished, and believe me, i see all the comments urging me to continue and finish, and i desperately want to, but i have to go off of vibes. it sounds lame, but it's true. i refuse to write unless i feel like i am writing from my heart. i erase anything that feels forced or soulless. quality over quantity all day, every day. but i also recognize that i'm kind of an idiot who has a strength in starting things and reaching the point of climax, and my greatest weakness is actually writing the climax and reaching the conclusion. i'm working on that all the time, and i strive to change it. but what really keeps me going is the feedback and the random comments and messages, even if they're months or years later, letting me know that something i wrote resonated with someone far away who i will never meet or actually know. it gives me all the motivation i need. i just have to find that last little passage past the mental block to continue writing and actually finish something. oh... and the energy LOL. seriously tho, i love this fandom, i adore all of the various fics i've been blessed enough to read because they offer such different perspectives on characters and settings and they open up my mind to entirely new possibilities. not to mention, i've made some of the absolute best friends through fandom and fanfic. i wouldn't trade it for the world. all i ask for is a little patience and understanding. and i really hope to keep you all in my heart and see y'all on the other side of whatever this is as we traverse life and fiction and discover how the two overlap in ways we never could have imagined <3

as we all get older, in the best of ways, let's fuck 2025 right in the mouth

[neteyamyawne]

human miles quaritch where you're a scientist bit you're both in love? miles accidentally shoots you while aiming for the helicopter and after feels regret but when he finally gets to see you in the final fight, you end up passing out. happy ending? i haven't read your rules yet so if this goes past it I'm so sorry 🫶

A/n : This does NOT have a happy ending, it's all angst, okay? I will make a part two of this, which will have a happy ending, i promise. Please read my rules before requesting 💚

Traitor ✦♡

Pairing : Quaritch x fem!reader

Summary : request

Song : avatar 1 playlist

Parts : pt1 pt2

Plunge 🗡️

❈ Warning : a lot of angst, threatening, killing, passing out, war, mention of a loved one dying, description of being shot in the head (mild), cursing, a little toxic but sweet? Hurt no comfort, sad ending, established relationship lmk if more.

❈ Word count : 7.8k not proof read

❈ Note : idk what got into me writing this, there's a little surprise in the end 🤭

"word" - dialogue **word** - flashbacks

❈ Glossary : tsawke - sun (child name), ma'evi - my child, zize - hellfire wasp (pa'li name) lmk if more.

You stared through the microscope, noting down everything you could as fast as you can, writing the last sentence you leaned back and stretched your body in your chair, groaning as a few pops were heard from your back.

The sound of it a bit too loud in the empty lab, the only light seen was on your desk and the hallway, you glanced at the digital clock on the wall, your eyes widened as you stared at it 4:23 am, "dammit" you huffed, swiveling around in your chair, getting up, your stomach rumbling for food, when was the last time you had a meal? And ofcourse you had to miss dinner as well, you looked around your desk to see if any snacks were left, with nothing found you searched Grace's desk next, opening a drawer you knew she kept her chewy granola bars but the only thing you got in return was a sticky note at the bottom with a "i told you not to take my bars! - G.A" written on it, you sighed, you had to be hungry at the oddest hours! but no cafeteria in this sector opened until it was 8am in the morning, so you were only left with one choice.

Making your way silently to the military sector as all the soldiers wake up way before anyone, so their cafeterias opened earlier as well, the only thing left now was to go in ask or beg the cooks for something and come back just as silently. Tip toeing your way inside the cafeteria hallway, sneaking inside, thankfully there was no one present in the room, walking over to the counter you knocked on the glass showcases, a round faced stout woman peeked from behind the kitchen doors, her eyes widened clearly not expecting a scientist at these hours, she made her way to the counter, her sweet motherly accent calming you down as she asked "what do you want, dear?" You looked at her sheepishly, face burning in embarrassment " umm, maybe do you have any extra leftover breakfast? I'm sorry i stayed up all night, with no food whatsoever, i didn't had breakfast either, so i was hoping i get some here, you know they don't open so early- now I'm just rambling, I'm sorry-" but her chuckle cut you off, she leaned over to pat your cheek "it's okay my dear, sit down on one of the tables, I'll bring you something to eat, these brutes eats too much already" you laughed at that, saying your thanks you sat down the table nearest to the counter.

She came back with a big plate full of eggs, sausages, pancakes and what not, you were baffled, they barely had any fresh fruit back at your sector and this is what the military sector is getting? Damn you Parker, your thought traveled wild as you gobbled down the breakfast, you were so engrossed in eating that you didn't see Quaritch coming in, taking another bite as your mouth was already stuffed with the previous one, you jumped in surprise when he sat down next to you without a warning "Miles, you idiot, god you scared me" letting out a sigh , putting down your fork, he just laughed "i thought you nerdies never came in our area" you glared at him, picking up the glass of juice the sweet chef gave you, gulping it down "how many times have i told you? Don't call us that!" He slung his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close, you rolled your eyes at him "don't you science guys hate us too much to be here?" You got up, taking the leftover pancake with you, not giving him an answer back, by the time you got to the door, he was catching up your side, putting the last piece of the pancake in your mouth and swallowing it but before you could see what was happening, quaritch back you up, caging you again the metal wall, capturing your lips with his, all your struggles falling away, melting in his arms, pulling back for air "come down here too sometimes sweetheart, i don't bite you know" he nuzzled his face in your neck, you look down the corridor, to see if anyone saw what just happened, relieved you looked at him in the eye "i thought you wanted this to be a secret?" He threw his head back "I don't mind them watching now" you shook your head "ohh shut up you moron" a blush heating your face "you know, you look pretty when you blush, doll" you speed walked out of his arms, hiding your now red face from any onlookers, aiming straight for your quarters, his laugh ringing in your wake.

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It's been quite a while since this became a thing, you and him, no one knew though, except for grace, of course she knew, you didn't know how but she knew and didn't leave one chance to reprimand you about it, you tried to ignore her but she just wouldn't leave you alone about it, it's been weeks since the new recruit Jake Sully was being called by quaritch, it was getting on Grace's nerve you can see it as clear as daylight, she did not want any scientist meandering with the "knuckleheads" and you being entangled with miles while Jake running of to him every minute he got made it worse, , so you did what you had to.

"You can't ask me that, we're here for a mission!" He huffed out, you pinched the bridge of your nose "A mission for what miles‽ We are invading their home, not the other way around, and no more visits by Jake, this is it!" He looked taken aback, you were done discussing this, you knew if you didn't end this now, grace would take drastic measures "what do you mean?" He started nonchalantly, talking as if he didn't know anything "Don't play dumb on me, Quaritch, i know what your plan is, i know exactly what you told Jake, please just don't, this is not the way" you pleaded with him, making him understand the situation , he knew, you using his last name was serious but he stood his ground even taking a step forward, a hand clasping on your forearm, a stern look on his face, jaw clenched tight, a vein in his forehead pulsing, in a slow voice he drawled out "those blue monkeys out there are worth Nothing and the sooner you understand the better" he seethed, this time it were you who was taken by surprise, his unexpected anger making you take a step back in fear as he walked out of the room without glancing back at you.

The moment you got back to the lab, grace knew something was wrong, terribly wrong, your face told her everything she needed to know, within seconds she was by your side, you knew he was up to something, something that involved in harming the omaticaya, and Jake was helping him but to what extent you didn't know. Grace had enough though, immediately her plans on moving to site 26 were brought into action, Jake was surprised but he had no say in it, Grace was the incharge and her word was final. Soon enough you were shifted to the site, you were shaken up, the way he said it, you couldn't help but feel something bad was storming up.

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You sat by your desk head perched on your hand, staring down at the papers in front of you, Trudy was in a chair beside you snoring away with a bag of chips sliding down her torso, looking at the little clock on your desk, the hands denoting 6am but no sleep aided you, your mind flooded with possibilities of what could go wrong, sighing you got up making your way to the small counter to make some eggs for everyone, time ticked by and one by one everyone got up, Jake being late, he rushed to his link but you pulled him back by his chair, handing him the plate while he whined "c'mon y/n, I'm already late-" but you didn't let him speak any further as you punched the red button on his link panel, he groaned while you spoke "No breakfast, no avatar" he rolled his eyes scarfing down everything hurriedly like there was something exciting waiting for him.

You got into your avatar with grace after a while, it was good to be back with them, grace and you both loved to be with them, it's like you belonged more with them then your own species, you picked up tsawke, one of the clan children, he cuddled close to your neck, as you talked with everyone about the day. Your routine was interrupted when a commotion stirred in the common ground, walking over, you saw eytukan, mo'at and tsu'tey gathering in the center, the hushed whispers catching on, your face morphed into shock– the RDA has attacked the tree of souls– tsu'tey's yells notified nothing but a call for war then to your horror you saw Jake and neytiri walk inn, hand in hand, grace came to stand beside you, tsu'tey propelled forward, shoving Jake back, neytiri got in between hissing at him, holding him away from Jake but what tsu'tey said next left you speechless "you mated with this woman?!" You slapped a hand on your mouth as grace mumbled "ohh shit".

Mo'at walked forward "is this true?" Her voice stoic, but neytiri held her head high as she said "we have mated before eywa, it has been done" tsu'tey's face fell as he turned back, Jake argued "brother please, do not attack the sky people, many omaticaya will die-" but you did not listen till the end as tsu'tey drew his knife and pounced onto Jake "you are not my Brother!" You screamed holding tsawke closer, Jake stood up after deflecting his attacks "I'm not your enemy, your enemy is up there, I can talk to them-" tsu'tey had not mind to let him talk "no more talking!!" Cutting Jake on his arm, neytiri yelled at them to stop but none of them did. Jake kneed him in the stomach and punched him in the jaw, making tsu'tey fall on the ground, he got up wiping his jaw as Jake spoke "I am omaticaya, I have the right to speak, Lu aylì'u ngaru. Ayngaru nìwotx.(I have something to say, to all of you) the words are stones in my heart–" you looked at grace as she fell to the floor, putting down tsawke, you ran towards her, her name falling out of your mouth, you looked at Jake horrified as it clicked what was happening but before you could say anything, your eyes rolled to the back of your head as your na'vi body thudded to the ground.

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You gasped as your link was broken abruptly, opening the case, quickly getting up as you saw quaritch punch Jake, grabbing his arm as you spun him around "are you out of your mind?! Miles, listen to me, you can't do this! Please" he grabbed your arm pulling you with him as he ordered the soldiers around him "wheel that meat out of here, close this up and move" you struggled against his grip but he didn't let you go, just as you got to the door, he glared at you "I told you, the sooner you understand the better, I don't want to hurt you, y/n but you chose not to listen me, I will not say this again, stay by my side, I'll keep you safe" he grabbed the oxygen masks, putting it on your face, but tears pricked your eyes, breaking the airlock, you walked out into the air of pandora.

Jake, grace and norm were escorted out, Trudy stood near her chopper with an unreadable expression while quaritch kept you behind him, you felt guilt rile up your veins seeing them being treated so differently than you were, settling on the rotor craft beside quaritch, he held you by your waist while his other hand clutched his gun, tears ran down your face, you knew something like this would happen, doubt gripped your heart, how could you fall for a man like him? How did you even let this happen? Questions swirling around your mind, sobs broke out of you but you didn't expect him to pull you close and kiss your hair "this is not your fault, doll, I know you love those tree huggers but they are not your allies, we are, and I need you to understand that" he mumbled against your hair, but nothing his said could comfort you, it only added to your anger still you stayed quite, the whole flight was silent, only your sniffs were heard, as brown flew you back to hell's gate.

You stood beside grace, playing with a bracelet nervously that the man in front you, who threatened you and your team, gifted it for your birthday, you all watched Jake destroying the bulldozer camera in the footage, quaritch paused the video tape just when Jake was about to hit the final blow to the equipment, "you let me down son" you cringed at that, quaritch walked towards your group as he leaned down to Jake "so what you- you find yourself a local tale and you just completely forget what team you're playing for?" Jake glared daggers at him, Grace rolled her eyes, talking to Parker in a demanding voice "Parker, there is still time to salvage this situation-" but miles turned to her yelling "shut your pie hole" but Grace didn't back down "or WHAT? Ranger Rick, you gonna shoot me?" "I can do that" you shoved him back "Miles!" Grace turned to you scowling "you need to muzzle your dog" you sighed and Parker shoved in between "yeah can we take this down a couple of notches please?" You walked towards quaritch pulling him back but Jake wasn't even trying to be on your side, by now you didn't even know who he was playing for or evening playing at all! "You say you wanna keep your people alive? You start by listening to her."

You took a deep breath inn before starting, staring at quaritch to make to make him realize just this once "those trees were sacred to the omaticaya people, in a way you can't imagine-" but Parker had a mind to cut off everyone who was speaking in his vicinity "uhh you know what? You throw a stick in the air around here and it's gonna land on some sacred- fern! For Christ sake" he was getting on your nerves, ticking you of like a time bomb "I'm not talking about some kind of pagan voodoo here, I'm talking about something real, something measurable in the biology of the forest" his face clearly showed he had no interest in what you were talking "which is what exactly?" He folded his arms, giving you a smirk, you took another breath to deal with his bullshit and to form words that we're understandable for him "what we think we know, is that there's some kind of electrochemical communication between the roots of the trees, like the synapses between the neurons, Each tree has 10 to the fourth connections to the trees around it and there are 10 to the twelfth trees on Pandora" you waved your hand down to show the enormity of the situation "which is a lot I'm guessing" Parker looked at you with zero understanding about what you just said, you stepped forward "it's more connections then the human brain, get it? It's a network, a global network and the Na'vi can access it" your voice was soft, desperately trying to make him understand, grace spoke up "they can upload and download data, memories at sites like the one you just destroyed!" He just looked at you and her with a dumbfounded expression "what the hell have you people been smoking out there?" He said laughing at your faces ``they're just goddamn trees!" Still laughing as if it was a joke "you need to wake up Parker" grace walked forward, "no you need to wake up-" she cut him off "the wealth of this world isn't in the ground, it's all around us! The Na'vi know that and they're fighting to defend it, if you want to share this world with them, you need to understand them" your head snapped back at quaritch when he spoke from beside you, tapping something on the glass tab "i think we understand them just finee thanks to Jake here" turning you head to look at Jake, he didn't meet your eyes looking away.

quaritch pulled you by your wrist towards the holographic table "hey doc, come take a look" the holographic image of Jake's log popping up, he explained how there was no way of bribing the omaticayans out, you looked at Jake with pure shock as his video explained his detail movements, quaritch still held you beside him making you watch it, grace squeezed Jake's shoulder as he hung his head down, miles pulled you behind him as he spoke "so, since a deal can't be made i guess things get real simple, Jake thanks, I'm getting all emotional i might give you a big wet kiss" he turned bringing you with him, you jogged beside him trying your best to keep up with him "miles please, this is wrong, you can't do this" you said trying to loosen his hold on your wrist "this is it y/n, look at me, we are here to take, not to make friends with those blue monkeys" you look up at him, tears stained your cheeks "we can't take what is not ours, miles" he pulled you in for a hug kissing your forehead "that's what we're here for, doll, to prove it wrong"

Parker sat in his chair playing with piece of unobtainium, quaritch by your side as he spoke "I'll do it with minimal casualties to the indigenous, I'll drive 'em out with gas first, it'll be humane, more or less" Parker leaned back in his chair, you grab quaritch's arm, shocked at what they were discussing, you gasped with Parker's next word "all right, let's pull the trigger"

A soldier was standing besides you while you stood near the large windows overlooking the warships getting ready to attack the home tree, you tried to stop them but none of them were ready to listen to you, quaritch gave the final order of you not linking with your avatar till he says so, a guard by your side till he comes back, now standing besides Parker, the guns and missiles making you sick to the stomach, grace, norm and Jake were taken back to the labs, but a commotion behind you whisked your attention, "Dr, Augustine, you cannot be up here-" she shoved him "Back off- Parker, wait stop, these are people you're about to-" the soldier grabbed her arm again but she wrenched her arm out of his grip "i said Back off!" You got in between them as you saw Jake rolling in, Parker just rolled his eyes at her "no no no no, those are fly bitten savages who live in a tree, Alright? Look around, I don't know about you but I can see a lot of trees, they can move!" Grace let out an exaggerated sigh "there are families in there, there are children, babies! Are you going to kill children?" Jake butted in "you don't want that kind of blood on your hands, believe me, let me try and talk them out, they trust me" you saw the inkling of a hope, to make their statements more strong you hopped in "please Parker, just let them try, just once, let Jake talk them out, please" he looked over at you and the others finally speaking after saying nothing for a while "fine but you are to stay here y/n, i don't need more trouble than i already have" you nodded, this was better than nothing.

You ushered Jake and grace back to the lab, yelling at others to get the links ready "calibrate the links fast, they are going in right now" you walked to Grace's panel with her, Parker and his goons trailing you "calibrating three and four" grace opened her link getting in she said "run sequence", you prepared her link from her panel "initiating, thirty seconds" you saw Parker going back to Jake's link as you heard him say "you've got one hour, unless you want your girlfriend in there when the ax comes down, evacuate them" with that he closed the link door, you walked over to Grace's side, closing the metal cover over her, you looked at her with pleading eyes "get them out please" she nodded and you closed her link as well, with that you stumbled beside her link on the chair, praying to any deity listening for everything to go as planned and letting the waiting game begin.

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Everyone watched on the monitor, the people had tied Jake and grace up, it was from the view of the dragon so you knew it was quaritch giving the orders, the first round of the tear gass was thrown in, they started open fire but the arrow did nothing but scratched the ship, you chewed on you nail, watching as the diplomacy had failed, there was no way out, just when you thought he'd fire another round of tear gas, incendiaries were blasted right into the root of the home tree, you clasped a hand on your mouth as the missiles exploded on it, the natives ran out, many must have died in an instant, though there was no sound you could see the hell he was raining down on them, Jake and Grace's avatars were still tied to the post, the ship turned around changing the view but staying there, getting into lines they fired again with even bigger missiles, the explosions bright as they hit the spiral columns, the rain of fire stopped as they waited and you saw with bated breath, the columns splintered breaking down, the tree leaning on on a side, falling down rapidly, every scientist beside you was in tears as a sob fell out from your lips as the tree thudded to the ground, it was done, the once tall mighty structure has fallen, humans got away with their ways yet again, you fell to the floor, knees giving out, shock ringing through your body and your mind going numb, norm picked you up but it was over, you had lost, again.

You were still standing with everyone as you watched the destruction on the screen, Parker twisted his head back at zdinarsk "pull the plug" you looked at him in horror as she walked towards the links, you ran to Jake's panel "you can't do this, it's dangerous, BACK OFF" they screamed at you to calm down but one of them shoved you away binding your wrists together as he slammed his hand onto the red button, you screamed at them to stop, norm punched one of them but it was of not use as he was held down my the other, Grace's link being cut of as well, tears streamed down your eyes as they opened Jake's pod, he was immovable, blank expression covering his face, zdinarsk held you back as you fought her grip, yelling at her to let go, both of them were taken out of the pods, Jake was hauled over one of their shoulders, grace struggled in their grips as she screamed at them "YOU MURDERERS!" You were now strapped to the railing near the main desk, pulling at the orange band as it wouldn't budge, you fell down to your knees, yelling at them to stop but it was done, as all four of you were held down on the floor, hands bound with guns pointed at your heads.

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You sat with Jake, grace and norm in the detention cell, even when quaritch tried to keep you out, Parker just wasn't having it, you looked up from where you buried your head in your knees "I'm sorry, guys, i-" but Jake was quick to stop you "no, it was my fault, not yours, you tried to help us but I couldn't convince them" You shook your head about to reply back but the sound of footsteps stopped you, looking out of the cell door when scratching of wheels were heard, Trudy walked in wheeling a cart in front of her, stopping in front of the guard, she laughed out "personally, I don't feel like these tree hugging traitors deserve steak" he got up, leaning down on the cart as he exclaimed "they get steak? That's bullshit, let me see" Trudy laughs and then puts her gun to the back of the Lock Up Trooper's head as he bent down, she orders him to the ground, slamming the gun on his vagus nerves, knocking him out cold, she called out to max and he ran in next, opening the door, "quick, quick we don't have much time" Trudy hugged you once before following the others.

Speed running towards the helipads and runways, you grab a mask on the way, getting to the airlocks, everyone wears their masks, opening the attachment door, we all run out, Jake stops behind and you skid to a halt as well "max, I need a man on the inside, I trust you for this" max nods ushering us to go as he runs inside, we bolt towards trudy's chopper, norm took down the coverings while trudy's ignited the engines, now we had less time than before, you helped norm to bring up Jake's chair, climbing up as you looked back at the base to see quaritch slamming a door open without a mask while he rained down bullets on you all, the rotor craft turned exposing you towards him, with his bullets firing down, you felt a pain in your abdomen, the impact making you fall onto the metal floor, a hand covering the wound, Jake and norm celebrated your escape while you looked down at your body "son of a bitch" you groaned, Jake's eyes snapped at your figure, he helped you up screaming at norm "get the trauma kit!" Grace pulled you up too, you yelped as the adrenaline from before wore off and the pain began to spread, norm and grace held you down as Jake worked on your wound, bandaging it as tightly as possible, till you landed safely near the site.

Trudy manuverd as quickly as she could through the fog and vortex towards site 26, getting to it, you were hauled inside the lab settling you on one of the link pods as a makeshift bed, while Jake got into his link, grace sat by your side, you felt the place tilt, letting everyone know that your were airborne now, she ran a hand through your hair, resting it on your cheek, her eyes shone with unshed tears, you smiled up at her "don't worry, grace, I'm not going down this easily" you both chuckled but your face twisted in pain as the slight pressure of your laughter made searing pain spike through the wound, sweat beaded your forehead and body, time went by, your body getting weaker and weaker, the blood seeping out of the bandages, she patched you up again, taking a syringe out of the kit, filling it up with a liquid you had no interest in knowing, puncturing the skin near your forearm, you let out a hiss wincing at the pain, she threw away the syringe, you gripped the side of the link below you as the whole of the lab swayed while it was being lowered to the ground, you were near the tree of souls now, the thud of it sounded a lot louder, you closed your eyes just resting them for a bit, getting as comfortable as you can with a bullet in your stomach.

Your mind hazed over, the blood loss was making your brain feel heavy and light at the same time, seconds bleed into minutes and minutes turned into hours, the night sky twinkled in the layer of stars, you smiled softly at the bioluminescent forest outside, ohh how you loved the feeling of the breeze blowing through your hair, your avatar body so in sync with the nature that it felt odd to be in your human body, grace was seated beside you as you stared outside. You closed your eyes, the exhaustion lulling you to sleep.

Jake walked to the lab in his avatar form, knocking on the window to get Grace's attention, she got up, grabbing her mask going outside in an instant as he told her everything he had in his plan, soon enough you were stripped of your clothes only the bandages holding on the wound were left, grace covered your body with the vines and Jake carried you all the while you were passed out cold, you began to wake up as you felt yourself being moved, the sight in front of you making you gasp but it came out as a soft inhale, Jake looked down at you smiling as he said "look where we are y/n" you breathed into your mask "i need to take some samples" Jake chuckled softly, bringing you to the base as he laid you down, neytiri fixing you legs as norm and grace fixed your avatar, your eyes fell closed as you felt the cool grass below you, sighing into the mask, you felt small fibers sticking onto your body, voices drowning out when you felt a cool sensation behind your neck.

You opened your eyes but a bright light made you close them back, looking around it was light and dark at the same time, you felt like you were flying and swimming at the same time too, it was quite and loud, but your attention was focused when a voice rang out "you are here before your time, my child" the sound not female nor male, you gasped in realization "Eywa" it came out less than a whisper, the light shining brighter, you watched in awe, no face or body was seen but the sound so angelic it almost hypnotized you, "yes, ma'evi, you have more to live, more to see, it is not your time to be with me, you have life within you to live for, i will call you back when the time is right, go back ma'tiyawn" each syllable was said and spaced perfectly, silver lined your eyes but something tugged you in the center of your torso, the tug came back from inside, before you could utter a word you were pulled back.

You gasped, opening your eyes for the second time, your vision clearer than before, you looked at Jake when he came in your line of sight, you voice light as feather "i saw her, Jake, i was with her, i was with eywa, jake" your eyes were blown, everyone circled you and grace pulled you in for a hug, tears of pure joy ran down your face, your return now celebrated throughout the crowd, you smiled at grace, neytiri sat by your side, you placed a palm on her cheek as she smiled back at you, how long has it been since you've seen her smile so bright, Jake got up going to tsu'tey as. He spoke and tsu'tey translated for him, the clan cheered as Jake got to the end of his speach, the sun rise anew, sunlight cascading down the trees, norm took Jake's place, pulling me in his arms he whispered "i thought we lost you" you smiled, patting his back, Jake glanced at you one more time before taking neytiri's hand and made his way to his toruk, you gasped in shock, when did he ride a toruk? But your question was unanswered as the clan moved to their own ikrans while you, mo'at, grace and norm sat near the tree, mo'at took of her shoulder wrap, around you and now you were suddenly aware of how naked you were, pulling the ends of the fabric around you, getting up but you stopped in your tracks as you saw your human body, walking up to is, as you stared at your human face, flicking back the hair from your face, finally letting go of your old self you turned around not looking back, you walked forward into your new life, a new beginning.

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Jake traveled through most of the forest clans, gathering them together to fight back against the humans, you sat with grace, twisting the knife in your hand, the knife that quaritch gave you to protect yourself, more like gave your human self but still gave it to you, the memory flooding back as you stared at the sharp blade-

** You got back from a collection trip but nearly dying from it at well, you didn't expect to run into the natives, they attacked your group, no arrows were shot but you were severely hit by them and taken to the hospital wing immediately with Max accompanying you as he was hit to but not that bad, you were admitted for quite a while and quaritch almost took out a march against the Na'vi to kill the ones who hurt you, weeks after that when you were in your quarters with him, he helped you sit up and you looked at him confused but he got up going to his jacket that was hung on the hook near your door, pulling out the knife out of its pocket, he walked back sitting down besides you, removing the cover from it, setting it aside, he brought the hilt of the blade to your palm, making you grip it tightly, he angled the tip of it to the base of his neck, and your eyes widened "miles what ar-" but he shushed you, talking as he gripped your hand tighter against his throat "plunge and twist" he breathed out, showing you how it's done with the actions over his skin, your hands shook but you listened intently, nodding as you understood "keep this knife with you, always, now you know how to use it too" you laughed at that but nodded, slipping back the cover on, he took the blade from your hand and slided it up your ankle, the elastic on the cover snug on your calf, he pats the blade before giving you a smile and tackling you down on your bed, smothering your neck with kisses and tickling your face with the slight scruff on his jaw as you squealed in laughter at that, pushing him off you but he put his whole body weight on you, trapping you beneath him before he broke hell loose on you as he tickled your sides till tears were falling down your face**

Eyeing then small knife in your hand, grace looked at you, she was in her human form, her avatar resting near the makeshift beds for the once who were injured, Jake was now with norm and Trudy talking to max about what quaritch's next step would be but even after all this something in your heart longed for him, you knew he'd kill any of your closed ones without a thought but he saved you in your darkest times, he brought you back up from your lowest points, he loved you when no one else saw your sorrows, how could you forget someone who did so much for so easily?

** You sat in your bed, looking at the pictures of your old life back on earth, how things have changed, a tear fell down on the picture of your brother who was killed on the way back to home on the bus, the gang ransacking your whole town, hijacked the bus, taking the kids hostages, your brother being killed as a warning for others to obey, they shot him multiple times in the head before throwing him out of the bus and driving away, the police found and brought him to you while in their chase to capture them but it didn't matter, your brother, your only family after your parents passing away was dead, he was just 9, after his death was when you took the decision to join the Pandora project you've been delaying to answer back, Dr. Grace Augustine requested your presence as her collaborator, but you said no because of your Little brother, if it weren't for you, he wouldn't have anyone to call his, so you stayed but after that, you took the opportunity, thinking maybe if the work took your time you wouldn't think of him but every second he plagued your mind, you muffled your cries but they only got louder, the knock on your door stilled you for a moment before quaritch entered, his face forming a frown at your state, he got in bed with you, picking you up with ease pulling you to his chest, settling you in his lap, whispering sweet nothings as you let your heart out to him, your brother and how you missed him, your parents, your guilt, everything and he listened to every word, kissing your forehead by the end of your rant, his shirt was soaked in your tears but he didn't say word, flattening your hair down, he kissed your temple, leaning both of you down on your bed, keeping all the photos aside, you snuggled into his chest, balling your fists with t-shirt holding on tight as you dozed on in his arms, he held you till your uneven breaths paced out, rubbing your back, he spoke no words except to sooth you, both of you drifted into a deep slumber with you safe in his arms**

Strapping the knife back on your calf, saying your byes to grace, you went back to call norm to teach you how to ride the pa'li, the war was in a few days and you wanted to pay your respect back for bringing you back to life, you won't go down without a fight anyways, he taught you better than that.

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The day of the war came, you were with norm with the ground team, Jake, tsu'tey and neytiri lead the sky team, the plan was set, as soon as the enter the field the flux vortex would disable their radars and we had an advantage on that, whirring of the ships were heard, your group hiding till you hear Jake's orders, soon enough thumps of being something heavy being dropped were heard and Jake's voice filtered through our comms to attack as they were airborne too.

You were dressed and painted in the traditional warrior clothings, a bow strapped to your back, gun cradled in your arms as you raged forward with a yell, the humans in the amp suits open firing, you didn't hold back, galloping zize towards them you shot down the front line, their bullets piercing many of your soldiers but casualties and death will be counted later, you saw norm being knocked down from his pa'li, but he got back up, firing down with all his might, you saw a Na'vi firing his bow from the ground, giving him a hand, he got behind you, shooting down as many humans he could and so did you, but too many of your group were shot down, norm spoke into his speaker "Jake, we are being hammered, we have to retrieve" he immediately responded "fall back, keep a cloce cut" you turned your pa'li back but something exploded near your ground, surprising your mount as zize kicked back, falling out of line, the warrior behind you quickly hopped down retreting back, but zize field through the trees, bringing you closer to the eastern ground team, where the war raged even more, you reigned zize to stop as you looked over the field, the bodies scattered on the ground but your break was brought to an end when an amp suit firing at you, missing barely.

The bullets from the suit wheezing past you, your breaths laboured as you forced your direhorse to gallop as fast as he could, trying to outrun the machine but it caught up even faster, in the moment of outruning him you didn't see the amp suit that stood in front, he fired directly into zize, the hits on his body felt by you too, you sceamed as you were thrown off of him, the amp suits retrieving thinking you were dead as well but you crawled towards your pa'li, his head lying on the ground as he whimpered in his last moment, you kneeled beside him, stroking his head while you mumbled a quite prayer to eywa for his safe arrival at her doorsteps, you got quickly when you heard more loud footsteps, hiding behind a tree, peeking out your saw the new batch of amp suits that dropped down, very few Na'vi faught beside you, you heard neytiri speak as she was in a similar situation, Jake demanded to fall back, but you stopped listening halfway, you looked down at your gun, clicking it in place, holding it tight ready to fire , the group behind you firing down anything in sight, the humans with them burning down everything with the fire guns, you were about to step aside to shoot out when you heard neytiri yell into your comms "eywa has heard you, EYWA HAS HEARD YOU!" you fell back behind the tree, confused but it was cleared when you saw the hammerheads charging towards you, a scream erupted from your throat, arm coming up to sheild your face but none of them attacked you, they went straight for the enemies, you laughed at there demise, walking out of your hiding place, you got back on killing the remaining ones.

You stopped in a clearing, bodies littered the ground, your breaths uneven, you stumbled upon a body, reaching out as you grabbed a nearby tree, pressing onto your comms as you spoke "tsu'tey? Can you hear me? Trudy?" You puffed out a exhale, heart dropping second by second, no answers came back, too engrossed in your thoughts you didn't see the ikran landing right in front of you, your scream high pitched as you fell back, the beasts took a step forward bowing its head down, the beautiful colors of navy blue and yellow swirling together on its body with strips of black, you bowed your head down too, seemingly knowing what plans it had with you, you smiled as you took the opportunity.

You had no experience flying an ikran but here you were, flying above the war field, your bare feet slipped from the notches but you held on rightly the beast helping you stay on as well, you soared through the air, bringing down any ship you could, you circled around the area near the tree of souls, your eyes widened when you saw the dragon ship crashed into the soil, you decided to check on Jake near the lab, to see if everything was alright as no amount of you yelling into your speakers could get their attention.

Flying right towards site 26, you descended a little further away from the area, quickly dismounting your ikran, you made your way towards the place but stopped as you saw Jake slam a huge blade like piece into the amp suit glass cover, but as soon as you saw who drove the suit you heart fell to the floor in seconds, quaritch skipped back, opening the glass cover fully, pulling on a mask, you looked the lab, the windows broken, surely Jake was suffering inside his link, out of nowhere neytiri dropped down in front of me as she shot her arrow right into his chest, his grip of Jake slacked, letting him go, with another precise aim the second arrow hit right in the center of his chest, she ran forward as you were glued to the spot staring at the scene, not moving until you saw him move again this time reaching for his discarded knife to make a final blow before he could rest.

Your were quicker than him, running towards him with a sceam as you jumped pulling out the knife from your calf and down at the base of his neck with a plunge and sickening twist, his suit crashing down while you were still on top, your hands still gripped the hilt of the knife, he looked down at the blade he gave to you now sticking out from the same place he taught you about, a smile formed on his face, he brought a shaking hand to your face, wiping the tears away from your cheek with his thumb as he spoke in a small voice "plunge and twist, i knew i taught you well" with that his hand fell away from your cheek, now you're hand cupping his face as your tears dripped down on his skin, a cry ripping out from your throat, wailing as you gather him in your arms but no success, your cries now muffled in his shoulder, unbeknownst to you, inside the lab similar state could be seen with an opposite outcome from your demise, as Jake caressed neytiri's cheek still in his human body, her hand coming up to hold his while you're wails never reaching their ears.

You leaned your head against his, sniffling before you spoke one last time even if he couldn't hear you now "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please wake up, i can't do this without you" but his eyes never opened, nor did his lips moved to tell you it was okay and he was there for you, his hands stayed by his sides and never engulfed you in his hug, the warmth of it you could never feel again, your eyes trailed one last time over him, as you said your last goodbye to the father of your child "i wish i could have told you sooner but you would've been a father my dear, but now you rest, until we meet again, my love" you kissed both of his eyelids, jumping of the suit, leaving the knife behind embedded in his chest, you walked towards the lab to check on Jake and neytiri, leaving your past behind you, making your way to your new family, ending the war for the good.

A/n : I will explain the last bit in the next part, they will have a happy ending in the next oneee i promise 😭😭

Yawne : @fanboyluvr, @callmeoncette, @lu-the-ghost-reader, @brisbriskett, @saltedcoffeescotch, @ducks118, @itscheybaby, @jackiehollanderr, @zoetrope1997, @yeosxxx, @persefolli, @im-in-a-pansexual-panik, @theycallmesia, @elijangwifey, @erosthefae, @murderbirbdany, @killua2dot0, @ilovechickenwings, @kylobensgirl, @darling-imobsessed, @majathepapaya, @sweetirilly, @reinap06, @neteyamforlife, @thatgirljas13, @totesnothere04, @arminsgfloll.

Special Tag : @samistars

© Neteyamyawne 2023 | All Rights Reserved. Do not repost on other platforms, copy, steal, or translate any of my works!

[joesalw]

TW- swearing (for anyone uncomfortable with it)

hi so uh. sort of an ex swiftie here? Idk but I need to rant (??) and I feel like you’re the best person for it…

so essentially when I was in middle school ALL of my friends were swifties, and so I thought I’d become cool by liking ts! So I sorta forced myself to listen to her music for those three years and eventually I became kinda fond of it?? Idk I think it’s because I associated those songs with particular fandoms or smth

but anyways now, I’m almost 18 and those swiftie friends have become the most god awful and ykw?? I feel like it all went downhill after she broke up with Joe, because then MH came in and then tk…

and now those songs with resonated with me while I was in middle school make me wanna puke! I’ve unliked almost all her songs, I’ve removed her songs from playlists and I skip her songs whenever it plays

and I’m really pissed because SHE is the reason I’ve had to lock away some of those relatively good memories. Because now all those songs do is make me realise what kind of bullshit people I know online

sorry I really don’t fucking know what’s the point of this rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Don't say sorry y'all. I really love reading your ex swiftie rants more than anything

[ambrossart]

I was listening to the Paper Men playlist while doing a of UNI assignment, and I came to a specific song that seemed VERY familiar to me 👁️👁️, to my surprise, it was a song from LITTLE NIGHTMARES 2, AND OMG I LOVE LITTLE NIGHTMARES, IT'S MY FAVORITE VIDEO GAME AAAHHHH!!!😭💖

Now, my mind keeps imagining Evelyn at some VERY tense moment, whether she's afraid of something that is inevitably going to happen or Idk, maybe she is also facing some hallucination of her greatest fear because of Pennywise.

It's just my mind imagining things while listening to music, lol ;c

I want to finish my homework quickly to continue reading, I get anxious why I haven't finished reading yet, I feel like I'm missing something really good about the story (I also want to avoid spoilers for the chapters, but I think i've already seen two 😭)

I LOVE LITTLE NIGHTMARES! The visuals, the music… It’s my favorite video game series, so I had to include at least song.

I associate it with Patrick myself, but that song fits any creepy scene honestly.

And omg I’m SO SORRY about the spoilers. This blog isn’t a safe place if you want to avoid spoilers, but I should probably try to be more careful in the future 😅

[remus-poopin]

21, 43, 48 for the Snape asks, if you’re still answering them? :) ty!

21. What particular memory do you think Snape used to conjure his patronus?

Ok so I now subscribe to the hc that @serpenera presented in this post that the patronus is a symbol of hope not just happiness and therefore needs a happy memory of something that will keep you going forward, so obviously for Snape that’s going to be Lily related. After Lily’s death I think like mentioned in that post, he would think of Harry finally safe and out of danger.

43. What's your favourite headcanon about Snape? Is there a movie/song/book that reminds you of Snape?

I think my favorite hc is that he actually likes Luna and enjoys teaching her. I think he would appreciate her creativity, individuality, and kindness while also emphasizing with her being bullied. Idk but I can’t see him giving his usual asshole attitude to her.

For what songs remind me of him: Everytime I listen to The Smiths I think of Snape because ✨ vibes ✨but this song in particular is literally sooo Snape coded it’s insane

Also everything in my cokeworth cunt playlist

48. Did you feel Snape was the "good guy" even before the reveal?

Hm so when I was a kid I read the first couple books but once I got to GOF I stopped and only heard them through audiobooks that my grandma would constantly play for us at her office (she was very into the series lol) but I wasn’t fully paying attention. I did however watch all the movies in theaters and I was much more into that. When the HBP movie came out I think I was 7 or 8 and I don’t remember feeling all that strongly about Snape or Dumbledore dying (I really only cared about Hermione and maybe Harry). So I wasn’t really thinking about Snape and or any plot twist to come. I think when the last movie came out in like 2012 or something I was in 5th grade and the Always scene happened and it was definitely not expected for me. So honestly no I didn’t think he was the good guy, but I don’t think I was even thinking about him at all.

[devotioncrater]

idk how that WIP fmk ask game works but i’d be curious to hear ur thoughts on any ted lasso wips you have !

HELL yes tysm!! i LOVE talking abt WIPs

fuck - the story you just want to read instead of having to write it yourself

i have the outline done for a tedtrent western film AU inspired by a convo with @stevecarrington @tomlinfonda and @larkin21 !!

the fic is set in the 60s, right as the western genre is going out of style. rebecca owns a film studio (richmond studios) in hollywood, and wants to blow up its reputation to get back at rupert. so she has higgins cast ted, a high school drama teacher from kansas, to star in an upcoming western film. she then personally hires trent, an established director well-known for being a cold-hearted bitch to work with, to direct the movie. the film itself is risky, as it subverts cornerstones of the western genre. this is the film's synopsis:

Mason "Badlands" Morris (Theodore Lasso) is a lone cowboy rider hired for a job he don't normally do: escort a Miss Josephine Fairfax (Keeley Jones) from Kansas all the way to California so she can reunite with her beau Jack (Jamie Tartt). To ensure no untowardness, her uncle Ezra (Roy Kent) accompanies them, himself desperate for a change. Over the course of 14 days during the spring of 1856, the trio face unexpected challenges and uncover secrets which would best be left buried.

the fic spans from the first initial table read all the way to release day. shenanigans and unlikely romances ensue. i have everything for this SO clearly mapped in my head and on paper, but i know it's going to be a massive undertaking putting it into words. so if i could just...read it instead that'd be amazin LMAO

marry - the story you're obsessed with writing and never want to stop working on or thinking about

break me, shake me, devastate me (come here baby) is one i cannot stop writing/thinking about. the second and final chapter for it is going to be at minimum 7k words long because i keep adding more details in or reworking scenes. especially since the james lance interview dropped and we got more trent lore. the flipside to this is that i'm chewing my nails, sweating over the fact i haven't updated in 12 days. i deadass tried to update this past sunday but!! no!! it didn't feel complete yet. so hopefully this weekend it'll happen

grief and longing are my favorite themes to write about, which this fic explores. i have a playlist titled "grieving" that i made purely to listen to while writing this fic.

kill - the story you're most frustrated with and would rather just put it in the trash (or a high shelf somewhere to forget about for a long time)

i've kind of already done this, but there's a royjamie fic i'm bashing my head against the wall about. i got inspired by AURORA's songs "forgotten love" and "soft universe", specifically the lyrics:

You are the reason I can dance Within a fire of goodbyes, of goodbyes I can lie in a dark room without the feeling that I'm lonely

and

My body falls off the side of her bed And now I know what love feels like Don't let me turn into pain All of this is loveliness Chaos came, we laid our head Down on the feather cotton bed You find a heart and catch your breath Let the universe go red Speak to me, speak to me With love in your words Make for me, make for me A soft universe

basically the fic is about different times roy and jamie sleep together in the same bed. it explores their unspoken codependency and the soft intimacy they share underneath their weird dynamic. the reason i'm frustrated is that i cannot seem to find a good enough explanation for why they start sharing a bed LMAO

currently i have something inspired by the fonda/redford film Our Souls At Night, where jamie shows up at roy's door one night and is like "i can't sleep, mate. i miss having a person next to me."

we'll see though. maybe i'll find motivation for the fic again

[sowthetide]

heyyyyyy *saunters saucily into your ask box* congratulations! you have written a character so appealing that i cant stop thinking about her! and considering shes an alternate version of an already fictional character, i literally have no one else to bother about the brainworms she gives me. so, youre stuck with me. (side note if you do get sick of my endless asks just say the word and i will limit myself to like. two per chapter. probably. i can be normal i promise) ANYWAY i was listening to incredible amazing bigbrained theon playlist this morning and foreigners god by hozier came upand. the way i see it, in asoiaf canon theons one of the characters with the most interesting relationship with religion. he has the conflicting background, and doesnt really seem to connect with either. which isnt bad, not every character needs tk be spiritual, yet he is also some sort of mesiah figure??? like he has visions and talks to the weirwoods and has SO MUCH religious imagery like im not gonna get into it all but dude literally got crucified?? at a stake??? shit idk man. i like it. i like the part where he swears by the seven WHILE AT THE ISLANDS BEFORE HIS DEATH BAPTISM CEREMONY bbg theyre not pagans. but but but back to quenn- i feel like this is more emphasized in her story? maybe thats just me being delusional but (she lights insence in the sept after cat leaves hahahha im normal about this i swear) shes been abandoned by ALL the gods but still prays??? and for what??? stability???? hope?????? shes can seem like such a pessimist at time, a down to earth realist at best, but SHE STILL PRAYS. to what god???? im not very eloquent with words but you should listen to foreigners god the end byeeerer

-TeaInABowl

Why, hello again ;-) You're so nice to me 🥺 I really appreciate it cause I've been dealing with some Family Issues lately ❤️

Also, you do not have to tell ME about the pain of Quen brainworms!!! Thank god I have goddcoward, Ashen_Onion, and, of course, Y'ALL to scream with about Quen with, because otherwise I'd have probably lost my mind by now. Never worry about being normal because I've spent the last year being increasingly Unnormal about Quen, with extensive daydreaming about all of the Saw traps I have/will put her in.

You've reminded me to update my Quen playlist (the link is around here... somewhere...), but I also reallyyyy need to finish my Theon playlist too... eventually...

But back on topic! Yes, Theon's relationship with religion is such an interesting part of his character, and it's something that really drew me to him while reading (as someone with a complicated/agnostic outlook on religion). He has an unusually strong connection with the North's old gods, which is especially apparent in his ADWD chapters (which are some of GRRM's best-ever chapters, I will die on this hill), and I can't wait to see how that (hopefully) intersects with Bran's journey in TWOW.

I took this aspect of Theon's character and ran with it for Quen, as she has a lot of exposure to all three of the main religions in Westeros: the Drowned God during her childhood on the Iron Islands, and the old gods + the Seven during her time with the Starks. Quen has a closer relationship with the Seven in particular, due to her closer relationship with Catelyn/Sansa/Arya/Septa Mordane (by nature of being female in this 'verse), but she oscillates between all three when the occasion calls for it.

What is she praying for? Does she even believe in any of these gods? Who knows! Quen certainly doesn't. But she'll pray to the gods of the people she loves, so their gods might protect them. Also, as my dad would put it: "there are no atheists in foxholes". This is to say, Quen will cling to whatever gods get her the hell outta this clusterfuck in one piece. And, unfortunately, she finds herself in an inordinate amount of clusterfucks. She's clusterfucks Georg, really.

"Foreigner's God" is Thee Theon song fr. We all listened to it and collectively went THEON 🫵 If anyone has any other Theon song recs, I am always open to suggestions... 👀

[binniesoob]

Ah Jo, I just read the post about Freefall (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠)

You deserve kudos and all the love for speaking about what you went through this year. I wouldn't be able to do this and I'm glad TxT are helping you a lot rn (⁠o⁠´⁠･⁠_⁠･⁠)⁠っ

And overall, I just agree about everything you said. Lore aside, it's clear that they had fun while recording and working on the album. They found the genres where they're currently more comfortable and they're going to use them.

And also OOOOOH you liked Growing Pain too?! Yeeeees 😭

My rock/metal fan inside me screamed, cried and went "YES, THAT'S MY BOYS. THEY DID IT FOR MEEEEEESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

And then I claimed the song as my fave, as my precious thing that no one should talk badly about or I'll go full rage mode (for legal reasons, this last part is a joke. Taste is subjective, yadda yadda).

Even tho I confess that a little tear came from my face after listening to the song for the, like, fifth time. I thought "Damn, Chester would have loved covering it (you know, Chester Bennington from Linkin Park)...And now I'm here, being a little emotional and teary about it 🥲😭

And I'm also projecting what would ever happen if TxT will ever go full rap/nu metal one day. I don't think it can happen because they need to find a vocal coach for teaching them how to growl or scream without losing their vocal chords five minutes later and also because they seem to not be into metal in general 🤣

Unless they'll do a collab with my girls Babymetal...ACH I shouldn't think about it or I'll project too much. But maybe a Japanese single...AAAAAAAAAAAAAH 😭

Better if they stick in the normal rock.

Also, idk you but I highly, HIGHLY, prefer Blue Spring live instead of the studio version 🥲

It seems the studio version is missing something 🤨🤔

Which is a bummer, the song is good 🥲

Teresaa thank you so much for your words 🥺🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 i'm also really glad i have txt to give me joy, support and relief 🥲 as always i don't want to rely on it too much because it puts pressure on artists that are human too and can't solve all of our problems, but music itself keeps being there for me and i'm always going to rely on that ❤

With lore involved it can become even more tricky for groups to express themselves through the music, so i'm really glad txt are given the opportunity to do that anyway!! (it certainly helps that the lore itself was built to fit the experiences of young people, but you know, as taehyun said on his last live, gbgb for example felt more forced for him because he wasn't really feeling what they were supposed to portray) for as much as i'm a lore enthusiast, if leaving it behind meant having more creative freedom for a group i'd support it 100% *coff coff ateez coff coff*

i'm also glad the company keeps overall acknowledging and respecting that txt shine and are more comfortable with certain genres yup yup!

i'm usually not an hard rock and metal enthusiast, it depends on the song, and Growing Pains is one of those for me 🥰 you claiming and defending it is like me with Dreamer sksgskhsks

... 🥺🫂 i'm not fan of Linkin Park, more of a casual listener, but i also thought about them when i heard it... also and me and my brother yesterday night were listening to some music together and one of their songs came up and i was like "full circle!"

i love how one way or another txt found a way to make us all shed at least a few tears :")

the vocal coach part made me crackle 😭😭😭 anyway bestie, delulu is the solulu 🤝 maybe they'll never go full metal but i hope they give us more hard rock and metal inspired in the future yes 🙏 let's manifest 🕯

so i'm not the only one part 2!! i feel the same way 🤝 i also prefer Blue Spring live version! its rawness just perfectly delivers the feelings, the studio version doesn't sound as good for some reason, so i'm keeping my dear blue spring live concert ver mp3 file in my playlist 👍

[alonebutthesong]

Alone again lmao

Hey y’all, it’s been a while but I heard the song “Alone” by Alan Walker on the radio and suddenly thought of this blog… Lmao I can’t believe it’s already been 2 years since I was caught up in that mess with “C” 💀 I wanted to thank everyone for all the messages of support because I honestly didn’t expect that but it was kinda cool. 

Idek why I’m writing this, but I guess it’s time for an update? (if anyone still reads these silly posts lmao 💀) Also, I reread my old posts, and like… Cringe af. I can’t even believe I wrote that, much less that I posted it… Like, was grammar not a thing? And who tf asks about a crush on Tumblr? And I actually thought that being rejected or cheated on was the end of the world?? Dramatic af…🤡 

But yeah, to continue off after the break-up, I sorta shut down for a while and then got suspended lmao. One of C’s friends (who I suspect was involved with C, the cheater) started this fight with me cuz I tried to talk to C once, because apparently I was “needy and desperate”? That “friend” was just insecure af lmao 🤡 Anyways, long story short, I won that fight but me and C’s “friend” both got suspended and I kinda just spent a week going through C’s posts to find signs of cheating and like obsessively refreshing this blog for ideas lmao 💀

After all that drama, I ended up deleting most of my social media because it’s honestly just not worth the time and effort. Then soon after, C moved away to idek where and that “friend” stopped bothering me. For the past two years, things have been peaceful which is good because I didn’t have time for more drama with how stressful school got.

Tbh the whole situation with C was a waste of time and all I got out of that mess was this playlist I created with the 3 songs called “Alone” that I posted about. I titled the playlist “Live” even though I guess I could’ve used “Alone”, but idk it just felt right. It came to me randomly but it has several meanings: the verb ‘live’ as in to stay alive, the adjective ‘live’ as in up-to-date, and also a combination of ‘love life’ because it represents my romantic relationships, or the single relationship I had with C I guess (for now, hopefully… I’ve been texting someone who responded to me here and we’re getting along pretty well, so if you’re reading this, hey 👀)

Anyways, what I’m saying is that I’ve moved on from C entirely and life is finally good for once. And tbh, idek why I ever liked C? Like, just because C spoke to me once?? We barely even knew each other, and that “relationship” was a joke… We held hands and kissed a few times and maybe went to the movies? I don’t even remember anymore, but like that was it…

To finish up, I guess I’ll quote some lyrics from “Alone” by Alan Walker since I did that for the others: “anywhere, whenever / apart but still together / I know I'm not alone”

And to everyone feeling alone? At least we’re alone together.

[canarymemories]

the long awaited nui izlo rambling is finally here!! leaving it all below the read more bc. i don't know how to shut up

(i'm copy pasting this w little to no edits from a twt thread so. sorry if the formatting is icky kasdgh)

this fic was brought to u by 1. my own darling nuis and my izumi nui does have a tear by his eye and 2. leo merch collector is such a fun concept to me

the concept of izumi being in italy while leo is away was something that lived in my head for a while ngl and there was a point where this was going to be a meowzart fic, like izumi moping around the apartment and meowzart being her cute little self. i think at one point i did have a sort of companion piece if you want to call it that, like leo would be the one at the apartment w izumi out of the country (also a meowzart fic) and the only part i actually wrote for that is what I lovingly call ace izlo

also. back to my izunui for a minute, I did try to do surgery on him but the eye embroidery is too thick to do w just a normal little sewing needle 😔😔 but he's my darling little guy and he's perfect the way he is, I just have to be careful with him 🥺

anyway! let's start w the title. this song I think is the reason I started writing mushy lines towards the end lmao, it's izlo coded to me, like pls consider (it's also in my bb playlist ✌ idk it's so izumi -> leo to me)

I make it my life's goal that izumi never knows one second of peace lmao (also somewhat unrelated, i do have this wip idea of their dormmates having to deal w them bc i think it's funny and. i miss that idea (is fully capable of still writing it))

i feel like this point comes up in . so many of my wips (I think it's honestly just me feeling like it does but. still) and I just,,, man post checkmate, the way you live in my head

izumi is so. easily swayed when it comes to leo (thank u rhythm tourism for confirming that for me <33) (I like to think that leo is somewhat aware of this fact) but yeah that comes up so much in this fic and I think it's so fun bc. sorry to say but izumi is such a loser

izumi cardboard cutout is such a funny one to me, leo would so have one. anyway, reloaded reference 🎉 also. the izumi calendar being a canon thing might be one of the best things happyele has done, unfortunate I'm p sure they'll be skipping it in engstars 😔

I feel like I'll end up forgetting to mention it, but like recital, the way izumi refers to leo nui changes over the course of the fic (aka after day five, izumi starts referring to leo nui w gendered pronouns fkdksl) they had a bonding moment <33

this is probably my favorite part of the fic ngl like honestly. I don't even think I can make fun of izumi here bc I think something that grossly domestic would fix me too (but it's still so funny to be like. izumi wakes up in a bad mood and his first thought of how to fix it is to imagine a whole scenario w leo that is soft but. maybe he really is onto something)

the day three naruritsu call is bc i started writing nui izlo last august which was a month before nrrt week and they were in my head so bad (they haven't left). and then I was like haha what if I write the date for nrrt week before the fic is finished. and now this year it's like,, haha what if i (hopefully will actually write the date this time but also. as a small aside, the concept of arashi having to be straight up told it's a Real Date and not a friend date is so good in this essay i)

this is supposed to be bc they're not speaking a language izumi personally knows how to speak, so only certain words make sense think of it when you hear someone speaking another language and there's loan words or cognates that you recognize even if u don't know what's being said

I said it in the a/n but this part and all of day five is that even though they're past the events of checkmate and everything that came from it, things aren't magically like. Perfect, yk? like they found their way back to each other and knights didn't fall apart but that doesn't mean that everything that happened then doesn't bother them to some extent. like just look at next door and mr they can't know i care taking the earliest flight to japan w limited knowledge of what's going on + leo leaving in the first place bc of an argument like I can go on for a while (so much of ! was izlo figuring shit out bc of what happened between them so i mean,, it's definitely still prominent in their lives even if it's in the past).

he's funny for being like wait can someone hear me rn, their conversation is happening in japanese lmao

happy brief trans leo mention, this part also makes me so like. giggles kicks feet and idk why exactly. anyway leo is trans, it just never really comes up in my writing so fkxksl (is anyone in knights really cis? the answer is no)

day five aka the radio silence day is so,,, I wanted to have a day like this in here but I felt like I was being a little dramatic abt it but i was like well. izumi knows that leo is probably busy and they're in a better space now, but all things considered, I do think he'd worry. I mean izumi is worrier #1 but fkdks that's not the point. by this point, he has mostly stopped blaming himself for checkmate but u do have to realize that next door did happen and he did make leo leave that time, that one was all him so,, but even outside of that, I don't think izumi is like. Concerned about it every time that leo stops talking to him or is out of the country, but in this situation, he already misses leo and they'd talked for a while the day before then to wake up to hear absolutely nothing is not fun. (i probably have more but idk where i'm going w this rip) I just think there's something there, yk? like idk they're a little (very much) attached to each other

requiem reference (izumi will never live it down sorry). was going to talk abt their relationship and the use of partner rather than boyfriend but. idk.

niki's kitchen is such a funny circle to me bc they really just. have a signed framed picture of izumi there for the meetings so gkdksm obligatory mention (plus I do think izumi is Aware that niki knows what he's doing in the kitchen so he'll actually take his advice)

when I was planning this fic out, this part was going to be a little different; izumi wasn't going to realize he had leo nui until he was in the store and he looks down into the bag and there's a little guy in there but mckslsl

I think this is so cute and I'm specifically pointing it out so you all agree w me. like idk izumi would think leo's dumb alien shirts r so fucking ugly but that's the first thing he's putting on when leo is out of the country for any extended period of time

reference to something in recital I haven't written yet (the concept of a person being your home rather than a place and what it means when you destroy that person and you're left without anyone to return to :) )

this part has been in my head for Months, like nearly since I started it. like,,, man I wish I could draw without having a meltdown bc I hate it bc,,,, the soft leo in my head in this part makes me want to eat glass (also haha izumi sena grossly in love)

I think that's everything,,, (is probably most definitely forgetting about something)