#idk I'm also in a period in my life where I'm tired

[tuliptiger]

Where are the positive Arcane posts brothers. My brothers. It's such a good show and gives us so much and there's SO much to explore. Even if you don't like LoL, as an enjoyer of the show and a player of the game they're really unrelated.

BUT LoL gives the base of the world and so you've got a show that's detailed and full of life and potential with this pool of basic lore and world building to draw upon.

And hey. It isn't perfect a lot of people have a lot of valid complaints and dislikes of what happened and how they happened. I definitely do too but the WAY it's written and HOW it's written lets you fill in so many gaps and make your own world for the most part.

My big hang up is it seems people fill that space with negativity. If you don't like it you can make it better? The space to fill is there without rewriting the characters or events, why let yourself ruin the show for yourself when you could enjoy it? Nobody controls how they feel and if you don't want to like it that's your choice but if you HAVE the choice? Why not take it and run with it you know?

[harryshomebaby]

this is literally the worst i've ever felt in my life and i have to leave for work in 20 minutes

[ourceliumnetwork]

why is it every time i think i'm getting the hang of this whole "peopling" thing i come to learn actually my grasp on the english language (the only one i know reliably) is horseshit bad and communication is so much harder than it needs to be?

*screams into the void*

[moonchild033]

Random astro community related thoughts going on my mind 😏😑

I would request u all to read it thoroughly but yea whatever😏

Idk how many ppl are going to get offended or have controversial views to this but since it's MY BLOG, I'm gonna write things that are constantly disturbing my mind.🙂

First of all, I'm feeling truly devastated by seeing the number of astro posts circulating around Liam Payne's d*ath. Why r u hellbent on dissecting someone's d*ath? Idk what tropical astrology teaches, so I can't say anything about that, but as far as ik, traditional vedic astrologers are trained NOT to predict someone's demise or dissect a de*d person's chart, so kindly refrain from using vedic astrology and its tools such as divisional charts to do this, I find it very disrespectful. Vedic astrology can just be a science or interesting content for u, but for other ppl it's a part of their heritage and it has its respect, so don't misuse it. Also I kind of think it's literally humane to not make content out of someone's demise, be a human first then u can be a celebrity.😒

Be responsible about what u say, u might not know how much impact your words have but there are ppl who are following and reading your posts. I feel like some knowledge should've stayed in the same place, protected and safe in the right hands rather than accessible to everyone, Kali yug is definitely not the era where ppl r sensible enough to understand how to wield knowledge bcoz it is literally a POWER. 😌

The way the world of Nadi astrology is destroyed by the same means, knowledge going in the wrong hands, now it has become a whole scam, spinning tales and extorting money. Nadi is where sages like Agasthiya wrote future horoscopes and its predictions along with their past lives. Our lives have been written in palm leaves years ago, the main sanctuary of the collection is in Tamilnadu, it was passed on from generation to generation in certain family lineages, then some of them sold it, made fake ones and it got sparsely distributed and now almost vanished (Ik in specific temple some of the originals are stored even today, I'll not mention the name, I'm tired of misuse of knowledge, if u r genuinely interested Google is free). Even our accurate d*ath incident is written in there but the real nadi families back then were trained not to reveal it, so they just say 'Stay healthy and careful in that time, be cautious while driving' that's it. I know of real life incidents predicted through that, my dad's friend and my bestfriend 's mother both d*ed on the same predicted year and month by the same warned incident, my dad's friend was asked to be cautious of vehicles in that time period and he d*ed due to an accident and my friend's mom was asked to take care of health issues on a specific time period and she d*ied due to cancer. It's ur choice to believe in an age old writing of ur destiny in a palm leaf but it was an accurate tool some 20-30yrs back but today when it went into the wrong hands, that is when the knowledge got spread rather than being protected and reached ppl with wrong intentions, it all went berserk, now they just bluff nonsense. Still there are authentic family lineages with real texts and skills but it's very hard to differentiate between a whole lot of fraudsters. 🙃

So yea, overall I'm pissed off about the fact that some things are better to have left the way it is rather than showcasing it to the whole world to have it misused, like vedic astrology too, if u r learning it, respect it's ethics too, don't disrespect it's norms for the sake of ur content.😌😬

Idc if u disagree with me, this is MY opinion and I'll stand by it, BYEEE 😤😌

(But I'm angry too 😒)

[kisses4tom]

ᡣ𐭩 CONCERT

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Basically what Tom would do if you were at a TH concert/he brought you at another artist's concert 😝 period

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YOU AT A TOKIO HOTEL CONCERT

Bro would look at you the whole time

Wink, smile and give you flirty looks

Vip tickets

He would still try to "impress" the girls in the crowd since that's his character let's just say, but you know he doesn't mean it and it's just to hype them up

He would look at you during Leb Die Sekunde 😉 iykyk 🎸

I have a feeling Bill will call him out in front of everyone like: "excuse my brother he's very busy looking in that particular direction!"

After a concert Tom would wait for you backstage to run up to him (and kiss & hug ofc)

"I couldn't wait for this concert to end because you look way too good in this tight skirt tonight, my love" *wink wink*

He obviously needs a good luck kiss before going on stage

You and the band usually go back to your hotel room after a show, but there are times where you go to an after-party. Either way you and Tom are gonna fuck pretty much~

You're basically living every TH fangirl's dream. Tom Kaulitz's rockstar girlfriend (giggled HARRRDDD)

You pretty much attend most shows and Tom is more than happy to bring you on tour with him

As tired as he is, he never misses a chance to do it afterwards

Bro would also have a little quickie before a show for "good luck"

Loves when you surprise him in the crowd

He would also mouth you different little things that are easy to read, such as: "See you later" "Get ready for later" and even "I love you" 😨

───────────────

AT ANOTHER ARTIST'S CONCERT

If it's an artist he doesn't like, you basically have to drag him there. Not even kidding. Bro is so stubborn but eventually gives in because it's you (and he would never admit he had a great time)

You guys also go to random artist's concerts with friends just for a change of night

You would dance and sing together

Blud would rub your back against him 🫣😀

Arm around your shoulders always

Not really matching fits, but matching merch at best (like a hat or shirt idrk)

I feel like he would whisper things in your ear if you do a specific movement iykwim ;)

Expect to fuck later 😻

You guys would litterally be screaming the lyrics as loud as you can and it's the funniest thing ever 😭

OMG BILL AND THE BAND WOULD THIRD WHEEL

After the concert you guys would usually go to a restaurant to eat or a club if you still have energy and your vocal cords 😻

He gets so excited like if he isn't a famous person himself

Why do I feel like you guys would sit in the car in the parking lot of the venue and just talk about every little detail of the concert that stood out to you (post concert blues fr 😩)

When dancing you would get back to back and sing (idk if that makes sense but yeah just vibes~)

He always gets the best seats

You guys just have the time of your life

okay slay I think this is pretty much it since I ran out of ideas 😻 also PLEEEASEEE send requests for headcanons I'm desperate and idea-less ��

[tachimichishrine]

I swear no one does Higuchi justice like c’mon I’m BEGGING to be her cute wife that cooks for her whenever she comes from the Mafia. The chokehold she has on me is just *mwah* she’d be so sweet

also love your tachihara fanfiction it’s my dinner everyday <3

<never been crazy abt higuchi but writing for her just,,, it did smth ok- GAH HOW IS THERE NOT A SINGLE FIC OUT THERE FOR HER?? also you're so sweet ill be sure to feed u properly huheeheheh... thank you for your service to the tachi community btw, all the best w your writing n future fics ^w^ >

"housewife"

⫭◦⨝◦⫬

higuchi ichiyo x wife! reader

warnings: i attempt fluff again ; this is so short idk why, apologies my liege ; this is fiction bc there's no way i could cook smth and not poison my wife/ burn the house down in the process ,,, ; tw bath!! (/j it's all just fluff) ; l e s b i a n s ; love language is phys touch deal with it ; itty bitty cursing ; lowercase intended ; NOT proofread

you knew not to panic in such situations. waking up to disheveled sheets that had turned frigid, indicating that ichiyo had been gone too long. you allowed yourself to sleep in, given that you had the day off and decided you'd just lounge around, take a break and plan something nice for your lover in the meantime.

a stress-free period, but all you felt was anxiety when you dialed her number and got sent straight to voicemail repeatedly. this time, you decided you might as well actually leave a message when the line rang for too long.

"'chiyo, honey, call me back when you get this. just wanna make sure everything's okay, alright? I miss you already, love y-"

"who the hell is this?"

you'd been anticipating the automated voice so much that it barely registered that you didn't actually hear it this time, and a quick glance at the screen confirmed that you really were on call with someone on the other end of the line. the voice was raspy, definitely not hers, so you echoed back the question.

"um, who are you?" you challenged with a hand on your hip that they couldn't see.

except, instead of a response, you heard some distant voices on the other line, one rather hyper as it babbled something you interpreted as 'akutagawa-senpai!'. a few noises ensued along a brief chaos you couldn't see, and suddenly the phone was put back to someone's ear as they panted. you could recognize that heavy breathing anywhere.

"hey, hey, 'chiyo, what's going on?" you spoke softly, hoping she was alright and not trying to scare her.

she stuttered nervously. "sorry, I'm so sorry, I must've dropped my phone somewhere and akutagawa-senpai picked it up and-"

"woah, was that the akutagawa you're always talking about?" you couldn't believe it; after being with her for so long, you'd only ever heard stories about the people with whom she worked. you agreed that the kind of place where she operated was dangerous and it was better not to get yourself involved, so she kept you separated from everything she did. you appreciated the thought, but sometimes you felt a little frustrated that you couldn't meet the people in her life— you didn't even think they were aware ichiyo was married.

a tired sigh confirmed your theory. "look, [_____], I'll call you back when-"

"higuchi, who is that?"

akutagawa seemed to be speaking again, and quite frankly you didn't like his tone. if you were on speaker, you'd set him straight but for now you just listened to ichiyo ramble a response while not actually answering the question. he sounded tired of the bullshit and eventually the line was cut off harshly. something told you that you won't be able to call this number anymore.

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music played on the speaker as you hummed, tray of baked goods getting pulled out of the oven by your gloved mitten. the smell filled out the rather small place you shared with both your wife and sister-in-law, but the latter was out for the week on some kind of trip and left you all alone. you'd gotten used to ichiyo's erratic lifestyle, sometimes disappearing during the day and barely making it home at night. she sounded exhausted when she did arrive, so you didn't mind taking care of the little things.

proud of yourself, you put the assorted goods in various plates and left them on the table, waiting for her to come home. you couldn't call her, obviously, since it appears her boss had pulverized the device out of rage. you'd be worried if not for the fact that, based on her stories, it seemed this was a regular occurrence and she didn't mind it. you'd feel jealous of the man if it weren't for the fact that she fawned over you much harder in all the days you'd known her. she knows what she wants and does everything to get it, you'll give her that. by nature, ichiyo was incredibly caring and it was difficult to hold that against her

something was in your hands as you lounged on the couch, passing the time: a book, your phone, anything to keep your mind occupied. the sun had set and you were getting impatient, as nighttime meant she was going to be out until the early hours and might even come home with a particular scent on her clothing that resembled blood and death. how a person so sweet, so feeling could get into this kind of business was beyond you, much less how she could last thing long. she once told you that the only reason she could keep her mind this long was coming home to your soft kisses and pampering.

a clicking of the front lock and the creaking that ensued signaled that you were about to do that once more, and you strolled over to the entrance with an excited smile.

"welcome home, 'chiyo, how wa-" you caught yourself off when you saw a splatter of crimson along her cheek. your lips tugged downwards into a frown as a reflex, and you sighed gently once you saw her expression. she seemed so conflicted, not about whatever crime she'd done but about making you worry so quickly. "hey, hey, it's okay, c'mere."

with that, you pulled her into your embrace and set a kiss on her hair. it still smelled like that shampoo you'd bought her, a subtle vanilla and chamomile that reminded you of her. her entire body slumped into your strong arms, and she let you drag her across the house, shedding her shoes, meticulously pulling the elastic out of her hair to let her messy bun fall into a bob, then helping her out of her unbuttoned jacket. you pulled her body into yours as you laid down on the couch again, but this time with her head shoved into your chest, which was one of her favourite things to do.

"wanna talk about it?" you asked, dumbly, one of your regular antics. of course she wanted to talk about it; she did an awful job keeping things to herself anyways.

so, you listened carefully while she recounted stories with fake names to keep you protected and vague details in certain places, specific in others. she didn't seem hungry, so you just skipped the food for now and dragged her to your bedroom. you were about to throw her pajamas and get her to change so you could just lay down in bed for the evening, but the burgundy was darkening on patches on her arm and you couldn't help but stare at it.

"—so akutawaga-senpai showed up and I felt a little stupid but he-" you interrupted her by grabbing her shoulders and giving her a little shake.

"honey, can we clean off... that..." you danced around the topic, but she knew exactly what you meant when your eyes kept darting to certain areas of her skin. she nodded and you gave her a quick kiss on her forehead. "I'll run the bath and we can scrub it off. keep going, I'm listening."

she continued speaking as you did exactly that and eventually both of you were stripped and laying down in the tub. she was sitting in between your legs, with her back resting on your chest and head leaning back to rest on your shoulder. you traced her body, rubbing into certain patches until her skin was back to its beautiful glow. the warmth of both her and the water was too comforting, and you stayed longer than needed, your fingertips turning raisin-like in protest. despite this, you leaned down to kiss her up and down her neck while you gently massaged her flesh from her thighs to her hips, her stomach to her breasts. if she wasn't so tired that she eventually ran out of steam and stopped talking just to revel in your embrace, you might've handled her a little differently. yet, at this moment the only desire you had was to pamper her.

"ichiyo..." you breathed out slowly, lips grazing her ear while you kissed her again and spread out your fingers over her stomach. "mmmmn... 'missed you... i love you s'much..."

god, you would break her if you kept this up. so long together that you finally managed to put a ring on it yet she still fangirled over you like you were her high school crush. even as you pulled yourselves out of the sanctuary of steam and warmth in order to actually eat, she blushed every time you left a quick peck on her cheek or rubbed noses while chuckling softly.

she fell asleep in your arms, with her leg on top of you pulling you close like her very own plushie. it was hard not to smile at her once she began snoring and murmuring something about akutagawa during her slumber.

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hand in hand, you snuggled up in big jackets in the middle of the night to fend off the frigid breeze. holding onto your fingers wasn't enough, and ichiyo was fully clinging onto your bicep as you walked with her in the empty streets of yokohoma.

"this s-sounded so m-much more fun when w-we were inside... warm... by the f-fireplace.." her teeth chattered and she pulled herself closer into you.

"you were the one who suggested getting something from the café," you retorted with a chuckle, opposite hand brought up to tuck her hair behind her ear that was starting to turn pink from the cold. you rubbed your thumb along her cheek which was going through something similar, then sighed with a cloud of hot breath. "alright, honey we'll head in. i think there's another one on this street, we can just stay there and warm up before we go back, mkay?"

she would feel a bit ashamed about being so demanding if you hadn't pulled her in tighter and looked at her so lovingly. she had such an impossible time never believing she was capable enough at the mafia, and that discomfort disappeared as soon as you whispered sweet nothings into her ear and made her feel like everything was alright.

you turned your bodies together, door jingling as you stepped inside and the air blowing down from the heater hitting you. you realized that she was right, it was too damn cold outside, as soon as you felt the contrast of the inside. you turned towards your lover with a quick look to see if her body was as relieved as yours, but she was staring at something intensely on the horizon, like she'd seen a ghost.

you followed her gaze, and it fell on a man with tuffs of white in his hair standing next to a woman, slightly shorter but with noticeably long stands of black veiling the sides of her face.

"do you know them?" you whispered, and she jumped a little. part of her wanted to drag you outside, but she couldn't lie to you or keep things no matter how much her common sense told her to.

"that's... they're..." she was struggling to say something, anything, but you noticed she was letting herself get flustered. in these kinds of situations, you liked to interrupt her with a kiss to bring her back to earth from her constantly overreacting mind.

she pulled away before your lips could touch.

she'd never done that before.

you knew better, that this was probably a question of her not wanting the pda right now or maybe it had something to do with the duo standing over there waiting for their drinks, but it hurt nonetheless when you saw her squint her eyes shut and shake her head.

"that's akutagawa," she whispered as an explanation, and you felt simultaneously irritated and relieved, the former due to the fact that it confirmed that she hadn't told her boss that she was in a relationship, much less married. you understood why but it didn't sting any less.

"who's the girl?" you followed up, trying not to think about it too deeply. "is that.. uh... gin?"

she nodded meekly, and it was impossible to stay mad for long when she was so cute. you slid your hand around her waist, turning her around so that her back was to the pair and they wouldn't recognize her while she spoke to you. your voice dropped so low she could barely hear it. "should we get out of here so they don't see us? I'm not that cold, I can wait outside if it makes you more comfortable, honey."

how could she ask you to do something like that when your words were so caring, so honest? she took a deep breath and shook her head once more. in one impossibly fast motion you found yourself on the other end of the shop, standing in front of the man.

"akutagawa-senpai!" ichiyo exclaimed just a bit too loudly for this time of the day and the serenity of the empty café. she bowed her head down, speaking incredibly quickly. "I don't mean to interrupt your evening but it's come to my attention that you don't know that I'm married and this is my wife her name is [_____] and she's wonderful and-"

"'chiyo, he won't be able to understand what you're saying," you laughed softly, cutting her off as you placed your hand on her back reassuringly before addressing her boss with a respectful nod. "it's nice to finally meet you, akutagawa-san. I've heard a lot about you."

he barely bothered to acknowledge you, but the slight twitch in the spot that should've housed his eyebrows signaled that he was shocked. your smile grew wider when you looked to his sister who was sporting the same look. you pulled ichiyo against you from her hip as if to prove that she was indeed yours, and spoke slowly to explain snippets of the current situation. gin listened carefully without a word while the man tried his very best to seem completely uninterested.

as much as you wanted to learn everything there was to know about ichiyo's other side, eventually his drink was ready and he barely excused himself as he walked out. you watched him do so, and gin nodded to you and said something about how nice it was to make your acquaintance in a meek voice before quickly following him out. you waved, and noticed akutagawa watching you do so warmly before burying his face in his coat and scampering off.

"well," you giggled, turning back towards ichiyo, "that wasn't so bad. she's cute and he's an ass, but I trust your judgement in people."

you could practically see stars in her eyes; she rambled to you the entire walk home - during which she didn't complain about the cold a single time and was nearly bouncing off the sidewalk - about how much he clearly loved you based on his expression (apparently the fact that he didn't try to kill you on the spot was a sure sign of his support). she was so excited she even suggested bringing you with her to the port mafia tomorrow, but you stopped her and told her to slow down for just one second. you loved that she was so passionate about her emotions, but you wanted to talk and think this through before you did anything.

for tonight, though, you let her radiate with happiness as she jumped on top of you, making the mattress creak while she climbed up to sit on your lap and curl her fingers around the fabric of your shirt. your hands on her hips, she sat down with her knees bent on either side of you like a frog and leaned so you were chest-to-chest. she tickled your skin to draw out soft giggles while she peppered you with kisses, littering you with her best efforts to repay just a fraction of what you did for her. you rubbed her thighs in long, loving motions and brought her up so she was sitting on your hips instead. you wanted her closer, and she was happy to oblige as she kissed your lips.

"[_____]," she said, smiling into you, "I'm so lucky..."

you cut her off with a press upwards and a firm grip. "shhh, don't say anything. I love you, you love me and that's all we need."

she murmured your name that night in her sleep instead of akutagawa's.

[herofics]

Heyy just saw your post on how many angsty themed requests you get and I hope your doing well, and please don't push yourself too hard and take care of your mental well-being!!

I also have a JJK request, so I was thinking of a platonic Sukuna x fem! teen reader (if you're not comfortable with fem then they/them is fine) and I was thinking of following kind of a fem! teen reader looking up to Sukuna but Sukuna obv being a terrible example. Also could the time period be like already future like with yuuji and jujutsu tech. Like the reader being a student in yuuji's class. Like honestly, idk if this makes any sense and I'm not sure if this is too vague.

Thank you in advancee

A/N: I decided to do teacher!Sukuna, even though that’s not really what you asked for, but I felt it was the easiest way to do this. He’s still pretty unhinged but not really as murderous as he is in canon. Sukuna is semi young in this, not the ancient relic he actually is, so something like 35 maybe? I went with HCs, since that allows me to put many different situations in the same post. I was kinda considering changing this into its own post and not the answer to this ask, but ehhh decided not to. I ended up really liking the whole teacher!Sukuna thing so I’m probably going to write some scenarios for this too… eventually

•Sukuna isn’t actually interested in being a teacher, but it was a sort of punishment by the higher-ups for one of his numerous “excessive force” incidents when catching a curse user

•So he was put on a sort of probationary period at Jujutsu High, to be a teacher for a year

•So that’s how he met you, Yuji, Megumi and Nobara, and by god you four are a pain in his ass

•Yuji being the most annoying in his opinion, there’s just something about this kid that rubs him the wrong way

•Yuji and Sukuna have a bit of a rocky relationship, Sukuna is actively trying to make Yuji’s life as miserable as he possibly can while still being at least remotely teacher-ish

•Opposite to that, Sukuna doesn’t even really see you, you’re not incredibly skilled, nor do you have an amazing cursed technique like him, Megumi or Gojo

•You’re pretty average as a sorcerer, not weak but not really strong either, Sukuna on the other hand is a special grade

•He doesn’t want any of you brats to die on his watch, not really because he cares but because he’s tired of hearing the higher-ups crap about his recklessness and negligence of students

•Sukuna very much believes in the survival of the fittest, weaklings are no good for being jujutsu sorcerers

•You were assigned to observe Sukuna on one of his missions that was supposed to be an easy one for him

•It was, but one of the cursed spirits somehow slipped past him and tried to attack you

•Sukuna grabbed you by the back of your jacket and just pulled you out of his way, as he slashed the cursed spirit to nice little cubes

•He didn’t even realize he was still holding you under his arm, before you were like “Mmm excuse me?”

•It took him a second to realize where the voice was coming from, but when he did, he let go of you, which caused you to fall on your ass on the ground

•”Ow!” you exclaimed as you hit the ground

•You got up and stretched a little, before following Sukuna, who was already leaving

•”Thank you sensei” you said to him as you caught up with him

•”Don’t thank me brat. You should’ve been able to handle that on your own, or at least you should’ve been able to dodge” he said with an irritated eye roll

•You were already disappointed in yourself for the fraction of a second freezing that had occurred, so you knew he was right about the whole dodging bit

•”You honestly think I should’ve been able to handle a grade one cursed spirit on my own? I’m a grade three sorcerer”

•”Then stop whining about it and get stronger, I probably won’t be there to save your ass next time, so if you end up dead, that’s going to be your own fault”

•That was kind of a wake up moment for you and while you had looked up to Sukuna for a while now, it was like he was even cooler now

•You started working harder and you asked to go on more missions with Sukuna, which he wasn’t excited about, he doesn’t have time to babysit you

•Sometimes you got to go with him, but it was always made very clear to you that he didn’t have time to keep an eye on you

•He always did though, and he saved your ass on multiple occasions, complaining about it every single time

•He just doesn’t want to get another lecture from those old farts at the headquarters for letting a student die

•It’s not like Sukuna hates you students, (except maybe Yuji) but he really doesn’t have the patience for this whole teaching bullshit

•Sukuna is absolutely not the kind of person you want to be, but you do admire his skills and his strength, so you put up with his asshole personality in hopes he will actually teach you something one day

[mooniebunny]

And this is the end. Many things happened good and bad but all i have to say thank you Quackity for making this project, at some moments it made my days and also for some period my life better, it was something i couldn't wait all day to watch after a tiring day and just laught and make many theories and spend time with the eggs and just distract myself after a long day

It also made me start watching many content creators i haven't watched in years.

I started watching when the Brazilians where announced, i was always a Felps viewer but I haven't had watched Cellbit or Pac and Mike in years (like since 2015), also started watching many english speaking english content creators I used to watch back in 2020 but stopped for no reason, not only that but i also liked many cc's that I didn't even know exist and now i love watching them.

I also got interested in learning so many languages, for the first time since 2009 i finally went back to learn spanish because it became something fun for me to do.

On Purgatory 2 i got excited to see that my favorite streamer Scottonauta was part of the project!

Besides the bad moments that happened we had some good time, watching this project, which it was amazing.

I'm not good with words but just wanted to leave a message about it, how positive it was for me, because of qsmp i went back to posting on here which i haven't done in a long time lol

I'll try to focus my account now on another smp, FSMP.... maybe until we get a QSMP 2 idk haha

I think I'll end here and cry a little 😅

[justalilguyoops]

hi, hello :) i miss youuu. i miss commenting about LAWS and yapping about things i remember from WIPIP and idk, your presence in general??

how are you? what are you doing? is hot or cold where you live? OJ or apple juice? what's your favorite song right now?

(you don't have to answer, is just to say hi)

omg this is,,,, so so sweet ; ; akdnjflkaernfakernf You are so kind to me!!! I miss being around more and writing and chatting as well 😔 I've been so burnt out and tired after closing the play, along with it regularly being in the upper 90s-100 degrees here lately: I don't cope well with heat LOL I'm on medication that makes me heat sensitive and it's hard to focus and do stuff when I feel like i'm melting ; ; I hope to have the next chapter of LAWS out this week!!!

But overall I'm doin good! Just sleepy but catching up with normal life and friends and everything, which brings me much joy <333 It is HOT where I live, like the hottest area of LA! Also......oj or apple juice.......very hard question......i go through periods of being REALLY into them or not at all. But, i think, overall? Apple juice. My most recent bop is Lithonia by Childish Gambino!!!! <333

I am so touched that like...you enjoy my presence and have noticed that i'm not around as much ; ; that's so kind. you are the BEST!!! <333 I hope you're doing well too ; ;

[plothooksinc]

Tagged by @loadthebases

Turns out if I search by mentions I can find it immediately! I'm so clever. (And yet. I only just went "oh hey".)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22! I am not as prolific as some-- a lot of these are one shots. |D And most of them are ancient.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

475,671!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The fandoms I write for that are published are Rurouni Kenshin, Final Fantasy VII, and TMNT '03, '07, and ROTTMNT. Unpublished I also have One Piece, Tiger & Bunny, SPN, FFXIV, annnd The Untamed, most of these just being snippets etc etc. (And then RP is another bag entirely, writing in a different format-- you can include Blade of the Immortal that way.)

4. Top five fics by kudos?

It was only recently I managed to clock the 1000 mark, and I did it on two fics at once, lmao. Uhhh--

Underdark - 1089!

No Rest For The Weary - ....1089. (You guys really are neck and neck still.)

The Zaibatsu Project - 291

Some Rest For The Weary. As A Treat. - 221

Snowblind - 174

Not altogether that bad, considering Ruroken is such a dead fandom these days. /o/

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yup. Unless someone is leaving a whole stream of one word OMG/!!!!/EEEK in which I'll probably just answer the last one they left. I did go through a very long period where I did not because I was too tired, but I started again around the 2020 mark when I actually started reading fanfiction again. And started engaging, etc etc.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I write angsty endings? :|a 404 File Not Found. I think the closest I got was the tiny ficlet I wrote for Ruroken which was just Kenshin being depressed in the rain after Tomoe's death, and I'm not sure that really counts. That was like three paragraphs of "well my life sucks" lmao. It never made it to AO3. (It's on ff dot net still, though.)

...OH. But I can tell you which one's going to have the angstiest ending and that's The Legacy. Which given the last chapter I had finished with Raph holding onto his dead not!girlfriend, I would assume most readers are not gonna be surprised by this fact. (File Soon* To Be Found.)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Idk man I tend to angle for happy endings in general, so that is very hard to answer as it comes under YMMV - people have different views of happy endings, after all. Probably Underdark as the most distinct "Yes, everything is okay now" ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nah, not really. I did have one serial reviewer that reviewed every chapter of Tanabata Jasmine back in the day with a lot of backhanded compliments and condescending comments? And one person who started off reviewing Misconduct with "well my friend told me to read this" and two chapters later said "okay I'm bored now bye", but none of this is hate. The only actual "hate" I got given was not actually ...for me? I don't think? It was someone who literally said: Why did you delete your slave fics? BITCH!! And I'm like... I have not now nor will i ever write... one of those...? So yeah. Think they mistook me for another author or something. Maybe Kikide. EH. Not my division.

9. Do you write smut?

Nah.

10. Craziest crossover?

Zaibatsu Project is a Rurouni Kenshin/Cyberpunk 2020 crossover, so that's taking all your 19th century samurai types and ditching them wholesale into 2029 Tokyo. It's fun. Maybe one day I will even write more of it.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Outright? I don't think so. Buuut I've certainly had people ping me in the past to tell me someone's lifted a chunk of it wholesale or "they've written Snowblind, only with smut!" or there was one person who wrote a BNHA fic which followed the same plot of Underdark complete with dialogue borrowed directly from the fic. That last one I contacted the author and they apologised and offered to take the fic down and I told them they could keep it up provided they credit me for the inspiration somewhere. I'm sure by now some AI has scraped my stuff, but largely I write in fandoms that don't get lifted and sold like others do. And honestly, the above examples are more kinda flattering than anything else.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I believe most of my longer works have been translated into Russian, at the very least. I found Tanabata Jasmine back in the day being re-released onto a Russian forum site and I had a lot of fun translating the site to read responses (and laugh a bit at the machine translations because they kept telling me the readers were legless). Underdark has for sure. I've also found Snowblind.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I wrote a few pages of one with @shadowbends at one point! But we didn't get far in and we both got distracted with other projects. And I also wrote half a fic to set up the other half for an author, but she didn't end up going ahead. Alas. So.... kind of?

14. All time favourite ship?

I'm honestly not much of a shipper. I mean-- actually, I ship a lot of different pairings, but only kind of superficially for the most part? Like I really enjoy reading ships but I still vastly prefer gen. I will very rarely read an outright romance fic, there's gotta be a plot. (Or at the very least some interesting smut, god.) It's easier for me to point out ships that make me go UGH GOD NO rather than a preference. (In RP I'll ship a little more if the dynamics between our characters work out really well, but I still won't be crushed if nothing comes from it. This is a hard question for me to answer. I definitely don't have an all time favourite in this lukewarm pile of ships, that's for sure.)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Any of the WIPs that I have that I never bothered publishing have been abandoned. Anything I want to finish will get finished. It will just take some time. This is assuming I have a long life; I mean, if I'm scheduled to die, say, three years from now, the only thing that might get finished is Infinite Ricochet, lmao.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Action scenes! /o/ Pacing and tension. The most common review I get is from people vibrating from delighted stress, lmao.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Connective tissue. I can get really bogged down in getting from A to B. You can really see it in the early days of a fic where I'm still writing set up and wondering how to scale up realistically to the things I really want to write. Once everything starts going wrong, it gets much easier, rofl.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Depends on context. Like many I started writing fanfic at the time people tried to pepper as much Japanese into their dialogue as possible for realism or brownie points or whathaveyou - you can see that in my first fic on ff dot net lmaooo. Don't do this. Not unless you have a foreign phrase that just loses its flavour when translated through to English. Or, alternatively, when you actually have a non-English character who keeps dropping into their own language, or some try hard teenager who keeps trying to show off how much Spanish they know, as an example. There are always reasons to do so and reasons it will work. But if you're just going "LOOK AT THE WORDS I KNOW"... I recommend not doing so, you will look back years later and go "oh god".

19. First fandom you wrote in?

....look, technically the first fandom I wrote in was Inspector Gadget self insert fic. But I was nine so I feel I should not be judged. /cough

First time I sat down to write an actual story that was based off a show was for the old Defenders of the Earth cartoon while I was ...15? And then when I moved out my one sofa chair was surrounded by notepads as I wrote out my first 1987 TMNT fanfic. I didn't know it was called fanfic back then. In fact I didn't know anyone else did it at all and I was just weird. Please understand that when I got onto the web proper in the late 90s and found fanfic sites I was over the moon.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

It's gotta be Underdark. That thing is its own island by now. It's closely followed by the more recent There Is No Gravy, which much like Underdark wrote itself and also ended up far longer than I intended. It was just fun. It was a soft warm hug for the Rise fandom, okay, I love it.

Thank you! This was fun to reminisce about tbh. :D

I tag: @calliopechild, @radishhqueen, and @bobtheacorn ♥ No pressure, have at it if you like

* please note that the author's definition of soon may vary to yours. She has 13 year breaks between chapters sometimes, after all.

[venusinsilk]

My best friend was dating a narcissist and I saw some red flags early on but she's a psychologist with a fucking doctorate degree so I kind of kept my thoughts to myself for the first idk 6 months they were seeing each other. I guess I assumed she would see the signs for herself and make a decision to engage with him. I also didn't want to ruin the honeymoon period she was going through because she genuinely seemed so happy.

They are coworkers. I already gave her my 2 cents and said she was taking a risk having sex with a coworker. I've done it too, it happens to a lot of people and there are varying consequences.

There were so many signs he was a piece of shit. He wouldn't let her in his house. My reaction was naturally "what's inside the house? What is he hiding?" We would laugh about it but the only time she went there, he said he had to run inside to grab clothes and he had her wait in the car.

When she brought him to dinner to meet me and my bf, he was super reserved and didn't say much. At the time when he visited, I also had 2 friends staying at my house over the weekend. They're a couple, and one of them does bdsm/dominatrix work when she visits us because she has a lot of clients in this area. They didn't go out to dinner with us, but I suggested going back to my place for drinks after dinner. So we go home and naturally the couple joins us in the kitchen for beer or wine. And one of them (the one who is the partner of the sex worker) recognizes the coworker. "I feel like I've met you before," she says to him. "I get that a lot" he says, and doesn't elaborate. He is super quiet and hardly engages with any of us. After my bestie and her coworker/boyfriend leave, the couple staying with us tells me that they definitely recognized him from work- either a sex party or he was a past client. They also ask me to keep it a secret, because they aren't 100% sure and don't want to cause any drama in my friend's life, so I do keep it a secret.

My best friend didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with him, but he begged her to be his girlfriend. So for only 6 months they were in a "relationship" where she only saw him, and presumably he was with her. But he wouldn't respond to her on weekends and she would frequently become frustrated, saying "I have a 'boyfriend' who doesn't talk to me." I had to finally look her in the eyes and tell her why I didn't like him and I didn't like the way he treated her and she finally broke it off with him at work the following week.

What was inside the house? A fucking family. A mother and child. His child.

After she broke up with him, she started receiving phone calls, texts and voicemails from 2 women- the mother of his child (who he lives with) and another coworker who was also "dating" him. She did not engage with either of them. But she was bombarded with information about his relationship with both of these women, and they demanded info from her.

Last night I went to her place and she told me all of this and more, and I told her about the sex worker friend recognizing him. We can definitely confirm that he's a sex addict and this probably isn't the first time the mother has discovered he had multiple partners.

I'm still reeling from this and so disturbed by the way this man moved so casually into my friend's life -- into MY LIFE -- and lied about everything to us and continues to hurt people around him with no consequences. I feel very inspired by that article about the barista smashing an asshole's windshield with a hammer and I would love to do something like that to him, but the other coworker he was sleeping with already slashed his tires and he had to file a restraining order.

[caliburn-the-sword]

tlc fairest thoughts

this is all gonna be one post because if i put every "levana wtf" moment i had. i would end up just posting the ENTIRE book. ngl will probably tag this as anti?? because i don't have very much that is nice to say unlike the other books. respectfully, do not press keep reading if you're gonna be upset about how i feel about fairest because i don't want you to have a bad internet experience and i don't want ME to have a bad internet experience. thanks <3

am i really going to be forced to go through a whole second-hand-embarrassment-fest as an explanation for levana's backstory

sorry the writing style is giving the cruel prince. and i am very much not a fan of that book

wait i'm really confused. levana was 15 yet is now celebrating her 17th?? did the mourning period last an entire year or???

levana is just as delulu as cress when it comes to love, but she doesn't have the excuse of being locked up for like a decade in isolation. what's her excuse lol

respect for evret for being the ONLY grown man in this goddamn series that doesn't go after minors

AND NOW LEVANA IS 16 AGAIN. looks like someone in publishing didn't notice the continuity error lmao

idk if it's because i'm tired but WHY does channary not want anyone to know the father of the baby?? and also aren't there dna tests for that which make it redundant anyway??? tho i guess if she's fucking THAT many men then she wouldn't even know where to start with testing even if she did want to

i'm sorry but there's something HILARIOUS about levana hating all these women having babies. knowing that the babies are gonna grow up to kick her ass off the lunar throne

is the queen being glamoured????? it's hard to say because she was ALREADY such a disturbed individual that it's hard to say whether this new shit is her own thoughts or someone else's

TF LEVANA WAS SET ON FIRE BY HER SISTER?????

ahhh. part of me wonders if channary glamouring her sister during early developmental stages is what made levana so fucked up to begin with

the description of how hair catches fire is entirely accurate

god. i feel so bad for evret. his entire life was ruined and then he was killed before he could ever see his daughter grow up

ngl levana didn't seem to be very proactive in HER OWN story?? it's just a bunch of things happening to her or falling into her lap CONSTANTLY. other than her glamouring evret and trying to kill cinder, she never actually DOES anything. it felt like the author had a checklist of things like "okay these all canonically happen before the events of cinder so i'm gonna tick all these off quickly". idk. didn't love it. i'm glad that at least she didn't go to any effort to redeem levana, but istg levana literally had the moral consistency of literal water. one minute she's like "time to toss this baby off a balcony" and then "boohoo i didn't realise that killing someone would ACTUALLY kill them" like girl what???? that's not to say that i WANT her to be good and whatever, in fact i mean the opposite. just let her be an evil bitch. stop with the totally random, OUT OF PLACE bouts of empathy that happen for literally no reason. pulled me out of the plot so hard every time it happened. maybe it's because of my negative feelings but it just felt very anticlimactic?? i'm just sitting here like "okay so what??"

managed to get through the slogfest but i can already feel myself slipping into a reading slump. yesterday i wanted to read winter SO bad but now i feel like i need time to recover from that read. lesbians give me strength to persevere because i KNOW that i will LOVE winter

[nickeverdeen]

I hope I don't make things uncomfortable if you decide to write this request, I just really need some comfort after today and your blog was one of the first things that came to mind to try to keep these bad feelings away.

So, I'm a female and I struggle with pcos. Don't worry, I'll explain so you don't need to google: it's basically a syndrome that really fucks up with my hormones. Some of these symptoms (like irregular periods, tiredness, anemia) can be calmed with endless treatment, but women with pcos usually have chubby bodies or gain weight easily, and that's not easy to get rid of. Pcos can also lead to stress and depression, and that's also something the medicine doesn't feel like taking off, at least on me.

So, can you please write some imagine with joel (platonic) with teen reader where he already knows about this because she trusted enough to tell him at some point? She receives a unnecessary joke about her body from someone and tries to brush it off like it's nothing, but when joel comes to visit reader in her house later because he's worried, he sees her eyes puffy from crying? I don't really know exatcly what am I expecting with this imagine, I guess I just really want to see him listen to her, let her really cry to the point of sobbing on his shoulder and be there. I guess I just really wanna know what would joel do in a situation like that, what would he think or say if she cries hard and opens up every thought she have been bottling up inside, that she can't help being born like this, that she knows she's not pretty like girls in jackson are but that it's unfair that some asshole thinks is her fault or something. I don't really care if reader is being dramatic, let her be, you can even exaggerate her lines if you want because anything in those waters would be realistic at least. I just wanted to see how would feel like to have joel there in a moment like this.

I'm sorry for trauma dumping here, I just wanted joel to fix up the bad thing that happened today. (Is this what influencers mean with "romanticize life"? Idk)

If you don't feel like writing this is okay too, I swear that would be fine for me. I can understand some things aren't exactly easy to picture or write

Enough | Joel Miller x PCOS!fem!reader

Pairings: Joel Miller x fem!reader (platonic)

Type of fic: Angst/Comfort

Warnings: Getting shamed, low self-worth, insecurities

Summary: After getting shamed for your body by a jerk Joel comforts you

PS: Hey, cariño, thank you for explaining it to me and I’m very truly sorry if I messed something up - if so then please let me know. Hopefully this’ll help at least a bit 💚

———————

Joel had always been a quiet observer, careful to pay attention to the small details about the people he cared for. He’d known you for a while now, long enough that you had told him about your PCOS, trusting him with that part of your life. He never forgot the things you shared, the way you’d hesitated, then let it all spill out one evening by the fire. And now, as he came by your house to check in on you, he had a feeling something was off.

You’d tried to brush it off when some jerk had made a comment about your body earlier that day, acting like it didn’t bother you. But Joel saw through it, the forced smile and the way you shrugged it off like it was nothing. When he knocked on the door and saw you, the puffiness around your eyes gave it all away.

“Hey,” he said softly, stepping inside without you having to ask. He noticed the way you tried to avoid eye contact, like you didn’t want him to see how upset you were. “What happened?”

Your breath hitched as you tried to speak, but the words caught in your throat. Joel’s presence was comforting, familiar, and without judgment. That only made the dam break.

Tears welled up in your eyes, and before you could stop yourself, you were sobbing, your whole body trembling with the force of it. “I— I’m just tired, Joel,” you finally managed between gasps. “I’m tired of being like this. It’s not fair.”

Joel’s face softened, and he stepped closer, pulling you into a hug without hesitation. His arms were strong, secure, and you buried your face in his chest, letting yourself cry. Really cry. “I know, kiddo,” he murmured, rubbing your back gently. “I’m right here.”

You sobbed harder, the pain of it all pouring out as you clung to him. “I can’t help it, Joel! I can’t help being born like this!” Your voice broke. “I know I’m not… I’m not pretty like the other girls in Jackson. It’s just… so unfair that people make it seem like it’s my fault. Like I’m doing something wrong.”

Joel stayed silent for a long moment, letting you cry. He didn’t try to cut you off or stop you, didn’t say anything empty just to fill the space. Instead, he waited until your sobs slowed, until you were breathing raggedly but more steadily.

“They don’t know what the hell they’re talkin’ about,” he said quietly, his voice low and firm. “Ain’t nobody got the right to make you feel like this. You’re beautiful—don’t matter what some asshole says. And what’s inside? They don’t know you, kid, not like I do.”

You sniffled, pulling away just enough to look up at him. “I just… I just want to be enough,” you whispered, tears still brimming in your eyes.

Joel’s expression softened further, and he brought his hand up to brush a few strands of hair away from your face. “You are enough. More than enough,” he said gently. “Don’t you ever think otherwise. It’s hard, I know. But you gotta stop beatin’ yourself up over this. It ain’t your fault.”

Your lip quivered, and you leaned back into his chest. “I just… I don’t know how to stop feeling like this sometimes. Like I’m just not good enough.”

Joel’s arms tightened around you protectively. “You let yourself feel it when it gets heavy like this,” he said, his voice a soft rumble. “But you don’t let it drown you. You come to me, you cry, and you let it out. You don’t gotta carry it alone.”

His words hit you deep, and for the first time in a while, you felt like you could breathe a little easier. Joel wasn’t going to judge you for feeling the way you did. He understood, maybe not all the specifics of what you were going through, but the weight of feeling like the world was pressing down on you.

After a few more moments of silence, you felt your tears starting to dry. Joel pulled back slightly, just enough to look you in the eye. “You’ve been dealin’ with so much already,” he said quietly, “but I don’t want you thinkin’ you’re less than anyone else because of it.”

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Thanks, Joel.”

He gave you a small, reassuring smile. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”

You leaned into him again, finding comfort in the steady sound of his heartbeat as you let yourself relax. For the first time in a long while, you felt like it was okay to just be. With Joel, you didn’t have to hide how hard it was sometimes. He’d be there, no matter how many times you needed to fall apart.

And that was enough.

[prunelier]

weird period of my life where i realize i actually fucking hate 80% of the edgy music scene & the people in it, so i should leave? i still love some of the music & still love my friends & still love my work but....i am stopping that project next year anyway & i'm tired of fighting to get booked & to feel like i need to win the approval of a bunch of coked up rich kids to be validated. these past 2 years have brought me some incredible opportunities but also made me into such a bitter hating bitch idk

i already did it once, giving up the field i thought i'd make my whole career in & was told i was so good at, i gave up acting, why is giving up music so hard? been saying that since 2022.

[0xo]

been frustrated bc like. i have chronic pain, right, and there's been times in my life when it was pretty severe 24/7. and also times where it was relatively well managed, with predictable flares from over exertion.

and so for a while it's been at an okay level. not as good as when i was on stronger doses of my meds but not as bad as before then. like, 4/5 out of 10. most days probably

but now it's like. getting worse kind of unpredictably and i am mostly just frustrated. bc i had been mostly stable for a while and now i'm not. and yes the pain sucks and is frustrating itself but im mostly kind of upset that my body is still? uhhh acting like this. bc i can rest for days and still be bone tired and 5-7/10 when i didn't fucking do anything. and it makes me want to scream

just. between the increase in baseline pain and the weird episodes it's getting harder to keep it together at all

like i want my life, i want to work on the things i enjoy, i want to be a good friend, i want to DO THINGS. and i can (sometimes) but there's a price (always) and i just don't want to go back to that period of my life. repeating that but with new weird shit happening.

like i know i have multiple disabilities and that some of them are progressive, not new to me, so why am i shocked when they progress. or when i flare. like why is this at all surprising or upsetting to me. i guess upsetting is understandable even if you know it's coming, but why does it feel like this!!!!!!

literally 10 years into being officially disabled and im still grappling with how that actually affects me. maybe it's because i quit trying so hard to pretend it doesn't. idk just feeling a lot of weird emotions i don't enjoy dealing with

[cookinguptales]

just some me thoughts. up and down but mostly hopeful, I think. might delete later, who knows. I think writing these things down sometimes is productive for me, but leaving them up might not always be best. lmao

(cw: mental illness, discussion of suicidal ideation, etc.)

I have struggled with MDD for... most of my life, I'd say. I had "child-friendly" suicidal ideation when I was maybe 6-7 years old, where I'd imagine just kind of floating away in a bubble and never coming back, but it had graduated to full-fledged suicidal ideation by like. idk, maybe 9? I remember a school counselor asking me if I ever thought about wanting to die and I was like "well, no more than everyone else does" and she was like. hmm!

(I have since learned that was not the correct answer lmao)

I struggled a lot more when I got older and the symptoms of my chronic illnesses worsened, and there was a lot of abuse at home, too. There was also some... I guess I'll call it CSA when I was a teen, but I don't think those chickens came home to roost until I was about a year into my degree and I had ~a breakdown~.

what happened, honestly, was that I'd barely been able to juggle my mental illness and my physical illness when I was at home being driven everywhere, but once I moved out for college and started walking everywhere, I completely lost control over my chronic illnesses. and then when that happened, my mental illness quickly followed.

(plus I was put on birth control for the first time in this period (to deal with what we'd later learn was endometriosis) and that did NOT play well with my brain.)

I won't... get into all the details, but I was on medical leave for a couple years and the depression got pretty bad. Some of the responses to that mental illness poll I've seen feel totally unrelatable to my own experiences, which makes me feel... idk, I guess sometimes I tell myself it wasn't that severe. But then other times I hear people talk about their experiences with depression and I'm like "oh... maybe mine was pretty severe..."

Part of it is that my depression and my chronic exhaustion often kind of mingle. Back then, I'd be too tired to get out of bed, so I just wouldn't. For days. And then I might go a day or two without eating, and that would make the chronic illness worse, so by the end I'd really just kinda be sleeping and crying and Still Not Eating for a few days at a time. Maybe some crackers. I ate a lot of ramen and bed crackers.

In some respects, I think I was actually lucky...? I thought about dying constantly, but I was so exhausted that there was no way I was ever going to do anything, even that. My POTS was wildly uncared for at this point, so I'd just kind of slip in and out of consciousness sometimes. I got bedsores a few times.

I did eventually get back to school and I kind of got my head together, but it was definitely a struggle, made worse by my school's deeply ableist policies. I was a nervous wreck in college, if I'm being honest with myself. I cried a lot.

My PMDD ended up getting pretty severe, too. I had some very close calls. I struggled a lot with the hormonal medications I was put on to treat the PMDD and the endometriosis because often I'd do better for a while (once my periods stopped) but then I'd start bleeding nonstop or my brain would go bonkers or something. It felt like every hormonal medication I took was a ticking time bomb. It'd make me better before it then made me much, much worse. And there was really no way to predict when it would happen.

Honestly, after having suicidal ideation be the cosmic background radiation of my life for decades, anxiety was uh. I mean, I didn't enjoy it, but I always kind of felt like I was gonna throw up and pass out anyway, so really all it added was agoraphobia and some panic attacks. Anxiety was always pretty manageable for me compared to everything else. The depression was always more dangerous. I'd lose literal weeks that I wouldn't even remember later when the depression got bad. I would just kinda. Stop leaving my apartment. For weeks. Even months, a few times.

(There is a reason I get myself Little Treats a lot, and it's mostly because it's a way to force myself to leave my house regularly. lmao. It's... a bribe, let's be real. Like "you can go get that iced coffee as long as you go get it," that kind of situation.)

The reason I'm talking about this isn't so much to wallow, though... Actually, I think I've been doing a lot better the past couple years. Going to California during the summer has been helpful (so I don't just have to sit alone in a house with all the windows covered for 3-4 months every year because I get so sick in hot, sunny weather) and I think the ketamine has been really, really helpful. It hasn't cured me, but it does often take the edge off both the pain and the mental illness, and sometimes that's enough.

(Treatment-resistant depression is a biiiitch.)

I think getting diagnosed with PMDD has been helpful, too. It helps me to be a little more pragmatic about things, and has helped me to kind of see those voices as something outside myself. Now when I am... really, really struggling with feelings of worthlessness and feeling like... idk, like I'm a burden, like I need to die, etc. I can say like

well okay but you're also having cramps and your shoulder is dislocated so I think I know what's going on here lmao.

I'm not fixed, by any means, but I do feel like I have more tools to deal with it...? When my brain is getting very loud, I can be like. well, okay, auntie flo is being a real bitch to me this month, but I'll just move my ketamine treatment up a day and that should help.

So I feel less powerless, and I do think that's been very helpful. Having action steps and being able to look at my negative self-talk as my illness talking and not my actual self has been helpful. I can kind of frame it as being bullied rather than justifiably hating myself.

I do still struggle with a lot of self-worth issues outside of the chemical kind, but I think that forcing myself to unlearn a lot of internalized homophobia, fatphobia, ableism, etc. has helped to take the edge off of that, too. It's always been very difficult to imagine myself being loved, but I'm practicing. haha. It's a skill to master like any other.

I think what really prompted this, though, was remembering how bad I was 15 years ago. Like... having to cut all my hair off because it got so matted... It was so short for a while... And now I look at myself and like. I'm far from perfect, but I have long hair again. I own a little house. I take care of a cat. I have friends. I just finished writing a book.

I never could have finished something like this back then. I couldn't even feed myself.

So while some days I feel like I haven't progressed at all, I can hold up those accomplishments and be like. Okay, so your house is a mess. You get behind on work sometimes. Maybe you're self-conscious about this book.

But you have the house. You have the job. You have the manuscript.

You can't compare everything that you are to the perfect idealized version of you. That person doesn't exist. Maybe you should compare yourself to what you were fifteen years ago. That person doesn't exist anymore, either, but she used to.

So... I guess tonight maybe I'm doing that. Forcing myself to think about how close I was to death while still living, and to at least give myself kudos for growing enormously from there.

I still don't always feel like I'm living up to my full potential, but I am living. Which is a lot better than the sort of half-death I existed in back then.

Severe depression is... a lot. It's so hard. So many days I wake up and I just lie there for a long, long time. But... I do get out of bed eventually. And I did eat a few meals today. And I did divide this book into chapters.

idk. It's a journey. It's one that was almost cut short many years ago, but somehow despite it all I'm still here. And still walking. Maybe I'll get better than I am now. Maybe I won't. Maybe the idealized me will never exist.

But I won't let the other me exist again, either, and I suppose tonight that's good enough.