#idfk. just gonna do my dishes now i guess.

[orcelito]

Man actually the fact that time will keep passing and I will keep experiencing life and earning new memories over and over and over again until my dad is in the past wholly and entirely is so fucked up Actually. It's been half a year but it feels so fresh. But things will keep happening. I will keep growing. Life goes on. Maybe someday I'll adopt children. My dad will never know them. I can tell them about him but they'll never Know. I don't care about my grandpa who died before I was born at all. Granted he was an abusive alcoholic who drank himself to death. But guess who else drank himself to death? It'd be up to me to carry on his memory and like that's just so much pressure. I wish he was just fucking here himself to carry on his own memory. What the fuck.

[clover-the-awesomest]

Really really wanna just answer as many of these as I can so I’m gonna do just that. Fuck you. I do what I want.

——

Espio and Sonic, (STH comics) Hunter, (TOH) Lance and Keith, (VLD) Disaster Twins, (ROTTMNT) Beelzebub, (Helluva Boss) Commander Peepers, (WOY) MK, Macaque, and Tang, (LMK) and I guess Shadow and Renegade from Sonic Prime.

Flamethrower.

Nope! Even keep the blinds over the window because my parents warned me long ago that creeps could climb up my window and look at me sleeping. Highly unlikely cuz I’m on the second floor and we don’t have anything that can be used for climbing up a goddamn wall, but I still keep the window closed cuz otherwise my room gets cold… Don’t like the cold, especially when asleep.

idk, uhhhh… Aliens…? That doesn’t count does it? (I only believe in the slight possibility of there being aliens btw)

Hazel!

idk cuz it was fun

Scrunchies…? I don’t see the difference.

None cuz I left mine downstairs 🥺

No coffee. I’m hyper enough as is. (ADHD gremlin)

Only if they try to slaughter me first 🤷‍♀️

Art class…? Or maybe lunch…? Idfk

It’s a kind of day

BROTHER I WAS EATING ALL GODDAMN DAY I THINK IM FINE FOR NOW (As of writing this lol)

YES OMG The smell of everything before and after it rains is so beautiful and tranquil… It all smells so damp and so clean, so fresh… Like every single plant in the world had just been watered and taken care of. I love it so so incredibly much. My favorite smell in the whole world hands down.

Nope!

Not yet!

idk. All I know is that I don’t need glasses.

Shampoo and conditioner

Never have but yes (Be warned. I will most likely fuck up)

Neither I say coke because our mini-fridge is full of either that or seltzer and it’s so annoying BECAUSE INSTEAD IT SHOULD BE FULL OF WATER BECAUSE WATER IS DELICIOUS AND IT IS ACTUALLY THE HEALTHIEST DRINK OUT THERE. WHY DO THE RESIDENTS OF THIS HOUSEHOLD LOVE COKE AND SELTZER SO MUCH.

Like. All of my favorite stuffed animals. Shockingly enough I didn’t have a lot so it was easy to keep them all.

Someone who’s humor is heavily based on cartoons and sarcasm.

Eh. I don’t like it, but as long as I plan for it then it’s manageable.

Nothing. I would not be going on that rooftop. (Deathly afraid of heights)

Deodorant.

Me as a little toddler seeing the face of someone I haven’t seen in a long, long time…

idk like 7 or something?

Nope!

HOT. BURNING HOT. Not enough to hurt or be scalding, but there are those days where you just wanna make it a few hundred degrees hotter…

Bruh if I had dirty dishes in my room they’d never hear the end of it from me. (And I’d never hear the end of it from my mom)

idk whatever fits with the story in my head that day

Not really A favorite towel but a bunch of favorite towels. So yes.

Exploring new routes to take for when I go on walks down the street. It had a sign that said “Children” and my lil bro was with me so we went.

Yep! “Alice” by Peggy, “Overwhelmed” by Ryan Mack, and “Writing on the Wall” by Will Stetson. There are more but I have to actually look up the song title to know what it’s called and for me to remember the lyrics) Oh and also a ton of Crush 40 songs too!

idk and I won’t tell you. (For privacy reasons)

I DIDNT KNOW I COULD DO THAT????????

Oh a very near and dear friend. We don’t talk much anymore but her mom is a family friend so we still meet up from time to time.

Me

No it’s gross

Yes

Don’t drink coffee but if I would I’d probably take it black like my soul-

YouTube! Love binging the same videos over and over again! AND ONG THE ANIMATION SCENE ON YOUTUBE RIGHT NOW IS INSANE IM SO HAPPY FOR ALL THE INDIE ANIMATORS OVER THERE RIGHT NOW THEY TRULY DO DESERVE IT

They could kill me in one shot without it even being a critical hit. That shit is like One Punch Man but without the “Man” and without the anime

Whoever caused inflation, or my little brother. I cannot decide for the life of me.

Yes I was sick and I showed my mom a funny Rainworld animatic

The old stop-motion films like the one about Santa Claus and Rudolph with the really grandpa-coded narrator. Love those fun little creations he came up with! Whoever did the stop-motion work and the puppetry has some real talent!

idk I think I sent my friends something about adhd

I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL. GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM MY CRUSTY MUSTY OLD LIPS.

No, unfortunately… 😭

If you want to, I guess. Only if it’s ROTTMNT or Wander Over Yonder tho

——

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A LOT OMG I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THAT ONE WOOHOOOO

I wanna do another hehe

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

[truculentbitch]

yes please give

i'm just gonna c&p from my msg so you'll have to wade thru it on yr own, sorry! you can ask if anything's unclear! but this soup is fucking amazing for summer lunches and tastes so impressive compared to the level of effort you have to put forth!

cucumber souuuupies!

2-3-4 big boy cucumbers, make a decision, idc creme fraiche - like a cup? idfk 1/3 cup dill, depends on how much you like dill i guess, same for the mint 1/4 cup flat leaf parsley 1/4 cup mint 1 clove garlic 1/2 lemon, juiced an amount of kombu 2-3 spring onions, scallions, whatever you call them, but only if they're young and small salt white pepper!! don't fuck me on this, you bastard. buy the fucking white pepper.

don't ever use fucking yoghurt in cold cucumber soup. it overwhelms the cuke and it's a pussy version of actually creamy dairy products. use creme fraiche. if you don't have that, use sour cream I guess but i'm not happy about it. if it was me i'd half and half sour cream and cream cheese for a closer fat percentage with a better level of tang. if I hear that you used yoghurt bc it's healthier or whatever the fuck, I will grind yr dick in the fucking dirt.

get some water, idk how much, depends on how much cuke you have. few big cukes? maybe 400ml of water, maybe less.

take some kombu, like the size of yr palm or less, break it up a bit, put it in the water and steep it overnight in the fridge. remove the kombu and that's the broth you're gonna use for yr soup.

or you can gently simmer it for a verrry short time (don't fucking boil it or it'll turn bitter) but the flavour's better if you just let it steep overnight. not as prominent, adding umami while retaining more of the fresh green notes. it's easy to overwhelm the rest of the ingredients so don't fuck around. you want this shit to taste weak as fuck bc it's just a supporting character.

if you don't have kombu, you could probably do something like a very, very weak shiitake dashi but tbh I wouldn't.

actually, fuck, skip the kombu thing if you're not used to kombu and are worried about it. the quality grade of yr kombu and the amount of mannitol (that white powder) will affect yr dish. I think it's worth it to experiment but that's up to you.

mince yr garlic, mix it with the lemon juice, leave it to sit. the acid takes out the harsh pungency of raw garlic so you don't get that sharp, harsh bite. you can do this with garlic anytime you're using it raw btw, just drain the juice if it doesn't work in yr recipe.

if you have young scallions that won't have an overwhelming flavour, you can chop the white parts to add. finely slice the green parts for garnish. otherwise, skip it. the only substitution i'd be cool with is leek. actually leek might be preferable overall but not as pretty as a garnish.

ok, take yr cukes, cut them lengthwise and scoop out the seeds. they're useless and deserve nothing.

now you've got everything.

dump everything but the dill and mint in a blender

blend

start blending in the herbs, salt, and pepper. you're gonna do this by taste. balance that shit out and when it tastes amazing, you're done. you want this to be light and fresh with very subtle umami from the kombu and garlic. that should be the backup, the stage underneath the cuke, the dill, and the creamy finish in yr mouth, you slut

garnish sparingly with scallions, generously with herbs, and maybe some fancy little cucumber spirally things idfk sort it out by yrself, you wastrel

[aragima]

hannibal questions! 🍖🔪

@nietzscheantrout @horrorlesbians and @hanniba1 wanted me to answer these hannibal questions and i wrote too much but oh well! thanks to all 3 of you ilu!!!

favorite episode and why: oh we’re just goin straight to the hard questions huh um OKAY so i think i can only do an ep a season - s1: SORBET SUPREMACY! you get to see the exact moment will looks at hannibal and thinks “.........shit. it’s him isn’t it. he’s The One. SHIT.” and that is so important to me - s2: this one is really hard maybe naka-choko? it’s so fucking gay and sexy. but tome-wan... but mizumono............ yeah idk - s3: torn between digestivo and the wrath of the lamb cuz they both hurt SOOO good much; i love will breaking up with hannibal and hannibal manipulating the situation so will can’t leave asldkjansk it’s so toxic we have to stan..... and for twotl i mean do i really have to give a reason every scene LIVES in my mind and it contains my favorite shot in the whole show:

that is LOVE baby! that is DESIRE! that is being ENTHRALLED!!!!

least favorite episode and why: i feel like they’re all so necessary that it’s kind of impossible to say but probably antipasto. i get sick of hannibal and bedelia’s shenanigans really quickly and as much as i hate to admit it... i miss will. i also think it was an extremely weak season opener and i blame it for getting the show canceled sjshshsgsg the resentment...

favorite side character: chiyoh or jimmy or actually wait— RANDALL TIER 🖤

if you could bring back one character who died, who would it be?: RANDALL FUCKING TIER. i want there to be a weird thing with him and hannibal and will going on. but also i love what his death did for will so idfk, other than him it’s gotta be beverly

dish prepared in the show that you would like to try eating/making: i was supposed to make hannibal’s osso bucco recipe like 3 weeks ago but it completely slipped my mind so i guess i’ll get on that my next grocery trip  

which side character would you kill off?: chilton just because for god’s sake just let the man DIE ALREADY poor guy <- i’m taking ava’s answer because YEAH

was there any scene that you didn’t like to look at?: nah. the skin ripping scenes at the beginning of either kaiseki or sakizuki (idk i don’t remember, i hardly watch s2a) are particularly brutal but i tough it out

biggest ship: i mean do i even have to say

why did you start watching hannibal?: my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and her dad were watching it as it was airing and i was like “oh cool hannibal lecter origin story” but due to inconsistent access to the episodes i would just watch it randomly and that is... not the way to watch hannibal. i gave up around the end of s2 but knew hannigram was It regardless. i decided to watch s3 for the first time earlier this year just to have finished it and was like HOLD UP and did an immediate rewatch that left me... well, how i am now

favorite hannibal fic if you’ve read any?:

oh boy. yall ready for this? all of these can be found on ao3 obviously (i’m so sorry this is so long but i guess i’ve been asked to put together a fic rec anyway)

as soft, as wide as air by blackknightsatellite, the ladders series by emungere, blackbird by emungere, consenting to dream series by emungere, taken for rubies by emungere, at first meeting by emungere, protect me from what i want by @alienfuckeronmain, god of the cold, cold wars by highermagic, the abyss smiled back by highermagic, pomegranate seeds by highermagic, absolute zero by highermagic, in the truly gruesome do we trust by sidnihoudini, TKO by sidnihoudini, oh dear by lunarwench, each according to its kind by chapparral_crown, a flood in our hearts by nanoochka, let me sinful be by darlingred, uncomplicated by stratumgermanitivum & youaremydesign, good bones by @damnslippyplanet​, like they do in babylon by @damnslippyplanet​, your obedient servant by kareliasweet, past our satellites by shotgunsinlace, only the tender meat by isagel, the shape of me will always be you by missdisoriental, a white-walled room by rodabonor, spleen et idéal by rodabonor, the paper doll series by rodabonor, a common point of interest by rodabonor [i do NOT like a/b/o stuff but if i did... it’s this fic], just thought you should know by earthsickwithoutyou, the sacrificial lamb by princesskay, transcendent suffering by itsbeautiful, not something polite by moistdrippings, leave your message after the tone by onewhositswithturtles, holes in the floor of the mind by feverdreamblood, crossing caina by feverdreamblood, the archipelago series by melusine10, but seas between us braid hae roar’d by kareliasweet

have you watched any of the hannibal films?: yeah all of them except manhunter! i grew up watching silence of the lambs because my mom loved it and i went thru a big edward norton phase as a teen so i’ve seen red dragon like 10 times

have you read the thomas harris books?: no and i’m not going to lmao #fakefan

favorite murder tableau: if we’re talking just hannibal’s- the judge. if we’re talking Murder Bad But Kinda Pretty like in general probably the mushroom people or the totem

favorite blood spill: will imagining hannibal while he beats randall to death or The Gutting of Will Graham

what’re some of your headcanons?: - will is good at shibari (backed up in canon: his fishing knots, the firefly man’s full body hishi karada harness) - hannibal rarely listens to modern, non-classical music but he’s a björk fan and he saw one of her chapel performances during the vespertine era and was Moved - will listens to classic rock (zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd) with some classic country (patsy, merle, johnny) and blues (billie, muddy, bessie) thrown in. he’s also a sucker for early/mid-90s college rock/alternative/grunge - will plays the piano (because of the piano in his living room) and the harmonica (because he’s country white trash); he’s kind of shit tho - hannibal fell for will somewhere between “my thoughts are often not tasty” and “you won’t like me when i’m psychoanalyzed” (love at first sight! at last sight! at ever and ever sight!!!) - will’s circumcised, hannibal isn’t 🤪 - hannibal’s a gemini!!!! adaptable, creative, intelligent, outgoing, impulsive, etc - will’s an aquarius!!!!! analytical, a loner, temperamental, unique, compassionate, etc - will’s mom was jewish go read my fic about it https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774326 - hannibal is an agender man (tbh i think of this as canon, it’s just unstated/undefined) - hannibal can speak russian, spanish, and a teensy bit of portuguese in addition to the other languages we know he speaks (lithuanian, english, french, italian, japanese) - will speaks limited amounts of french; he learned it as a kid in louisiana - ED TW will sometimes has a Difficult relationship with food due to food instability by the way of poverty as a kid and goes through periods where it’s hard to keep himself fed, but hannibal is so good for him in that way because he keeps him from going hungry 😓 (yes this is me projecting but also it makes SENSE) - hannibal typically bottoms but THEY DEFINITELY ARE BOTH VERS and will never stops being surprised by how much he loves catching a dick. every time is like religious experience. okay? okay - they’re also both very kinky and switches but tbh.... will was made to Dom hannibal like that’s the reason he exists he could drag that old bitch around by a leash and hannibal would be in heaven HANNIBAL WOULD CALL HIM SIR - the first time they have sex hannibal comes like immediately but he isn’t embarrassed because he’s hannibal fucking lecter and hannibal lecter doesn’t get embarrassed - i have a hc for their favorite sex positions but i’m not gonna put that here because i don’t want yall calling me crazy any more than you probably already do but if you wanna know just DM me all i do is think about them fucking it’s a curse - okay no more dirty stuff abigail called hannibal “dad” on more than one occasion and it was half-joking but it also felt comfortable to her; she never thought to call will “dad” because he’s a weirdo and never knew her as much as he knew his idea of her - hannibal taught her to play piano at the cliff house - beverly is pansexual!!! - brian and jimmy kissed one time when they were drunk and they NEVER talk about it EVER - chiyoh is straight probably. i know, i know, everyone says she’s a lesbian and if she’s a lesbian to you that’s awesome! she’s a lesbian! but idk i just think she’s SO fucking straight and tbh i mourn bc that’s my wife. she could MAYBE be bicurious... - chiyoh is non-monogamous and doesn’t do serious relationships, she doesn’t like the idea of being tied to one person ever since she left the lecter castle - she helped hannibal and will escape after The Fall; she told hannibal she would continue to watch over him and i think she did, she got them a boat and got them the fuck out of there - MOLLY IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT WILL. SHE’S SO GLAD SHE GOT OUT OF THAT WHEN SHE DID. she has a good, long talk with alana and finds out all the shit about him and hannibal that will never told her (and it was a lot), gets drunk and burns all his shit, and then washes her hands of the whole thing; moves to a different state, gets a girlfriend, and never thinks about will again

okay i’m capping it there or i’m never gonna stop!! i’m not tagging anyone cuz i think everyone has done this by now lmao but if you’re a mutual who hasn’t and you want to just do it and say i tagged you!! mwah!!!!

[eldritchsurveys]

187.

Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? >> I don’t think so, but who knows. When was the last time someone called you pretty? >> I don’t remember. Do you like the color pink? >> Sure. Are you in your pajamas at the moment? >> Nope. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? >> No.

Doesn’t it annoy you when couples post things to each other’s wall on Facebook that are all mushy and gross and NO ONE CARES? >> It seems that you care. <-- lol exactly. Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? >> Yeah, it’s just a simple black rubbery case.  So what do you think about Chris Brown now? >> I never gave Chris Brown a thought in the first place, and I still don’t. What was the last song you had on repeat? >> I haven’t had a song on repeat in a long time. Ever kissed someone your parents hated? >> No. What do you think about your cousins? >> I really don’t know any of them well enough to have an opinion about them as people. Do you think the name Sage is for boys or girls? >> I think it’s for whoever has it. Do you have a favorite radio station? >> No, I don’t listen to radio. Do you ever save things as a draft or a note in your phone so you can remember them later? >> Not usually. Do you use Sharpies often? >> No. What didn’t you get for Christmas that you asked for? >> I didn’t ask for anything for Christmas, so everything I get is a bonus. Any weird fears? >> I don’t have any, no. Would you say that you’ve become more of a slut or less of a slut since a year ago? >> ???? Are you older or younger than most of your friends? >> Most of the people I know are around my age or older. Does anyone you know exaggerate a lot? >> Not that I’ve noticed. What are your plans for your next birthday? >> My birthday isn’t until May, I definitely have no plans yet. How are your nails? >> Short-ish and healthy enough, I guess. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? >> Good. Now move on. How is life going for you right now? >> It’s going. Most of my complaints are pretty minor compared to some of the complaints I’ve had over time. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? >> No. Have you met anyone new lately? >> Yeah, at the West Michigan Geeks meetups. What color are your eyes? >> Dark brown. Look to your right what do you see? >> A window and a cabinet full of fancy dishes and bullshit. Are you drifting away from your best friend? >> --- Would you feel hurt if your last ex was in a relationship? >> I really don’t care if he’s in a relationship or not. I would likely wish whoever-it-is luck and fortitude, and hope their foresight is better than their hindsight. If someone you wanted before came back now, would you take them? >> --- If given the chance, go back to fix a past regret or take a million dollars? >> I’d rather the money than going back in time. What’s more important, your pride or your life? >> The ideal answer is “my life”, so one could only hope that I held to that ideal under fire. Would the last person who texted you hurt you? >> Maybe. I mean, people hurt people they care about all the time, it’d be foolish of me to assume that she’s somehow immune to ever doing that. Your ex is sitting next to you with their new partner, what do you do? >> Why the hell am I anywhere near my ex...? That sounds like a dumb ass move on my part, forget the rest of the question. Do you have a reason to smile right now? >> Sure. Have you ever had to choose between two people? >> No. Last thing you drank was? >> Mulled wine. What did you do last night? >> Watched Netflix and YouTube, played Dungeons of Dredmor, went to bed. Where is your mother? >> Idfk. Have you had sex today? >> No. Are you afraid of losing a boyfriend/girlfriend? >> Not particularly. Do you have siblings? >> --- Last person, you talked to in person? >> Sparrow. Do you think someone’s thinking about you? >> It’s always possible. What made you the happiest today? >> Watching Somebody Feed Phil. What is your hair looking like right now? >> Like it needs to be washed. Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? >> I mean, I’d sure hope so. Are you currently wanting any piercings? >> No. Are you looking forward to something as of right now? >> I’m looking forward to my Christmas gifts. Do you swallow gum when you’re done with it? >> Usually not, but if it’s a choice between swallowing it and having to stick it someplace because there’s no trash receptacle handy, I’d rather just swallow it.

[tealime9]

rant???? yeah ignore this is 3AM remembering bad person

that i am lol and- OH MY GOD THE FUCKING UNDER READ WORKS. cool.

i was in an outdated part of tumblr which didnt let me post, im not gonna write again but keep rambling.

ahem

I mean really im feeling a lot of pressure sticking in.

End of college!

Getting a job!! (how do you job??? how do you talk in a interview?????? I DONT KNOW IF MY WORK IS WORTHY AT ALL?????)

relationships!!!

ART BLOCK ?! ?! ?! ?!

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND EMPATHY KICKING IN!!!!!!

LIKE FOR DAMN REAL????

I DONT THINK DISTRACTING IS WORKING AT ALL??? OF COURSE ITS NOT!!!!

I AM PRETENDING TO KNOW ANYTHING AND BEING AN ADULT AND I APARENTELY CANT EVEN BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE???? IM TRYING BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CMON GOTTA CHANGE GOTTA BE BETTER AND and..

and what the hell really.

I know im depressed hitch.

like tbh its like my 3th year of high school

except is not im feeling like im going to die in the woods whatever THE FUCK was that feeling.

I feel hopeless. I feel like its not being worth of even waking up.

I feel like this might be a year i fucking kill myself dude. for presure???? what is this being so stupid.

what. jsut. WHAT.

I hate how im always awake. I hate how im always kinda cocon and my feelings get in the way.

I...

I dont wanna exist. I dont want any of this.

I hate this feeling.

Im gonna fucking search a therapist. Its needed!!! hahahahahahhahahaha oh goodness.

Im a wreck of human being. Let me be. Its...

Its time to tell.

I fucking caaaaant.

*sigh*. okay not the best lift but better than anything? wake up tomorow, hope Jazz come to help me somehow. 

(hope maybe Alex will become a damn host cuz lmaooooooo its. wow. but hey im happy Gem is also back and having more golly time)

You know, I noticed how i get to end up surfacing and fronting while with others. because i see something interesting that might make me happy? and then  I. I just end up coming to see and experience and then I fail it.

I screw up everything. I hold everyone back. My life? do I even want to be my life???

I guess I do.

But life aint just pleasure and i dont know why I dont understand that YET????

ugh

not being easy. no matter how much im supressing my emotions and yeah I shouldnt but wow yeah thats happening.

Im scared.

 yeah.

Tomorow. Jazz me and Alex aight? therapist seeking pool and idfk whatever u want. buy a skateboard for all I care. dont forget the helmet.

oh!maybe a bit of. doing the- yeah I’ll do the dishes thanks for reminding me. But no. Talking with R friend as soon as possible abt the job stuff and anxiety and all. curriculum idk. Go to the google one like F friend said!!!!

edit: also i feel hopeless seing my country being ruled over a idiot who want to destroy everything and makes us look worse to the world outside and im like what the fuck but worse he took the fucking human right from lgbtq people like???? and want to destroy amazonia cuz damn greedy farmers and took the rights from the lands of the native people and they re getting fucking killed and  and.

and I dont know what to do. I feel like I should do some hero/anti hero shit thing and want to go ape shit but i aint shit to do that and im like. What the hell do I do???? 

feeling like isolating trying to see other things but that doesnt change and I dont know what to do. Sincerely want to tear open some people that gave him any kind of fucking support like ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID CONGRATULATIONS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WITHOUT ANY EMPATHY AT ALL.

and now im becoming apathetic and at the same time not cuz im trying to ignore and everytime i remember that i feel like fucking go ape shit and i cant and its just.

stressful. stressful fucking year. 

thats one more whys i want to freaking kill myself ahahahhahahahhahhahhaha I see no hope and dont know how any can go better OR MYSELF GOING BETTER IM SCARED MAN .

edits over i think

ok i’ll try to sleep bye

[dreambook06]

Dream from: Jan 27, 2018, 1:00 AM to 9:40 AM

Jee.sus. No. this is so hard to write, it is SO goddamn much!!! WTF! so i will jump all over the place other wise it is too. much. so the longest part of the dream mustve been this wole alternate reality elementary school thing where there was a very ocd neat freak teacher who was like a pompous older woman but later it changed to sra. nelson lol. but she was like rly religious or something or idk like very whatcha call it like she thought pokemon was bad for kids or something idk so she hid all the pkmn stuff in the classroom or limited it or something idk something to do with pkmn somethings paper clipped to the floor then i broke in and puled them up out of the ground bc what she was doing was wrong and unfair to the kids idk exactly what it was. it made sense at the time. (i wasnt part of the classroom idk how i got involved in this all. i think i was present-day me the whole time?but veeeeery alterlate reality-y-nothing like irl at all) so yeah etc etc sO MUCH and then there’s this whole library thing where ... but it was so so much more like not a normal reality looking library it was jjust a single giant wall very flat mixed with theside of a cafeteria and on the wall there was a poster that said “frogger” w a pictute of frogger from ancient shadow and it was like one of those elementary lunch posters yknow like eat ur veggies or whatever and it apparaently was super nostalgic to me so i wanted to steal it lol and  i . did. i ws gonna just take a pic of it but i thought i might as well steal it to have the actual physicl thing in my posession. i took it off the wall and assumed no one would notice idk. this was all after house in the school btw so i went outin the side of the scool -verry unreality you dont understand- and put the rolled up poster behind or under a rock to take home when i left... also i had my ds w/ which was also near the rock and folds of some kind of paper thing but the whole time i was sueeper nervous someoneed find it and steal it. so much more ugh!! but basicallty the main thing was i was stealing back “my” childhood pokemon figures from the school that i’d stolen over the years when i used to go there - stolen from “sra. nelson”’s classroom and they somehow teletoprted out of my room and back tot theschool when they found out they were gone yrs later...etc... so i kept sneaking in and stealing back little by little and sra nelson set up like booby traps and stuff in this weird alternate reality classroom and things hanging from the wall idk. but later too i was i guess stealing pkmn cardswhich were on the thin library bookshelves.. i stolelike 3 of them and it became a huge deal the police were after me tryingto find out who did it so i had to keep sneaking back andreturning them after all but it made me so sad bc those thing were sonostalgic to me. idk soososososososo much more holy heck! there were way more characters it was insaaane!!! but im too awake now to recall and it’s not suuuuper important.. not one of those SUPER insanely unrealitydreams like the one from jan 20. 

so the whole other section of the dream was even more or just as wild... omfg.... gonna skip around a heck ton bc i dont know how it came to be,,,, so.

(ps i think i woke u p  around this part like slightly for 5 seconds to num-nums back side by my face bc she was up on be pillow behind and around my head with her back legs dangling on the side of the 2nd pillow by my face. she mustve just went up there or made some movement)

jeezuz it isSOmuch!!! nvm what i said before this is insalelyyl so osooo much!okay this isnt gonna be in order at all so this is gonna jump out of no where. basically it was this weirdweeriwriwridweirrdweridwerid world weirddddddd world like a weird unreality home a house a roun ish thingand i was thete somehow but also 3-ish year old me was there. and grandma c. and some parent idk. but idk. there was a couch and idk sooo much more a box tv in front of it...i guess i was there bc i was kind of time traveling through my life... but with tons of random stuff mixed together that don’t belong like ... fifer was in that house in this cat bed behind a curtain up high in this cat tree-like pillar... but fifer was dead. the dead body had been sitting in there for like 4 ish years at that point. they thought just putting a curtain over it would preserve the body. and i said that’s not how it works. but they pulled back the curtain (they=??? unreality version of mom?) and revealed fifer there perfectly preserved. then her leg began to move, she was moving, rising, like she was just waking up from a pleasant nap. hopped down the fuzzy beige pillar thing. acting normal.mom was stunned i was in disbelief reality was questioned.. i was like.. how...(also i was like “i thought we buried her in the woods at kc rd?”) was she never really dead and she’s just so so old she can do nothing but stay up there and not move? and every night she came down to eat? idk but mom was crying happily so hard. things were so weird idk idkidkkdkdkdkdkd.... later.... idk i was w/ dad in grandma evie’s alternate reality house kc rd house. everything was blank like no color so i had to use that one gimp tool that “select by color” tool and color the walls irl. like de blob... i didnt complete it. too much work and i didnt know the right colors everything was. i can’t remember the colors of things from old memory. i just used a deeper maroon brown ish color. but then i made my way to one room and idfk what else but it was reminiscent of old dreams big time and somehow the scene and everything shifted to something else and  a different room w/ a little seat thing by a curtained window and for some reason i was mimicking miranda sings voice, i was like ‘”it’s miraaaandaaaa..aa...a” so then jump back to that weird childhood house w/ me age 3 in it (but also me age present day whatever that is was there and it was from that pov this all happened..) so idfk like omg it was jus ttheir everyday life in like 2003 but unreality not not at all how it rly was just so werid in thisweird dome world house place omfg... big rooms weird angles of walls idk!! the whole place was like yellow...the vibe was kind of like this teletubbies thing but not rly it was just so... ugh!!cant xplain. 

anyway idk likegrandma doing dishes, cosette age 3 running around w/ rly curly hair lol......OH HOLY CRAP I REMEMBERED THE VERY EARLY PART OF THE START OF THIS DREAM HOLLLYY CRAP! wait... it’s slipping away.... let me thing...... ugh crap. it’s gone. but i remember like 2 fragments: so i was looking through some like idk videos of old school parties things idk that people recorded idk! like 7th grade and in one of them i was in a group with some other people and... karen! it was like this maze thing in the school idk like a party for fun kind of halloween idk idfk!! too vague to even...but it was weird for 2-3 reasons. 1: karen wasnt at our school in 7th grade. 2: karen and i were acting like BFFS and laughing w each other and playing games and making funny jokes. and 3: i looked like i was 5 years old in the video like a rly blonde and cuter version of 5 yr old me, while karen looked normal, like she was 13. it was rly weird idk but it ws so weird bc karen and i were best friends and while watching i was dumbfounded like i dont remember this at all!! and there were other clips too but idfk!!! idfr!!! (r= remember)

so back to thething... likek.   i was 3 and running around the place, trying to reach up by the dishes on the sink, reaching for a spoon and stuff, grndma or someone came over to me and pointed at the picture on the spoon of a 3d-ish patrick from spongebob coming off the spoon in a transarent squishy texture. and she asked who is this? and i said in a like my 1-1/2 yr old voice “patrick star.” etc it was so random it kept shifting back to the room w/ the dead fifer up there but also w/ the tv down andto the right of it and a our 00s colorful long couch.. grandma told me (apparently they could see me and stuff and it was just normal) to watch after 3yr old me while she did chores or idk.so i did and it was so hilarious the uninhibited things kid-me said. idk an example... but yeah eventually things got even more unreality w more giant rooms we traveled through and stuff al this weird trap door stuff and stuuuffffff. more characters came along idek.... but this now is near the end of the dream which i should’ve written about first bc now i forgot a lot.... so this will jump a lot and make no sense.... but i had my camera and was recording for fun... but the camera had ike 6 mins left on it which was bad. i wanted to record all the adventures that were going on it was crazy! omg.... so freaking much!!! this tiny little rat/frog thing that was on my hand i put it in front of the camera while i was on the couch watching a cartoon (a weird unreality show mix of childhood shows i dont even remember anything about it now frickign) w/ 3 yr old me and took a picture of the frog thing watching the show. and it was a rly good picture like hq and stuff..... later..... well basically the whole living room turned into water like deep water murky too and someone was trying to get across by riding an oxen or something...(oh yea somewhere in this dream there was a thing about me being vegan but i dont rmemeber. mightve been during all the “sra. nelson“craziness) but then the scene shifted to the same thing but aparently there were people filming a scene for a tv show or movie there and they had these scaey weird grotesque looking human things running slowly (bc water) in a circle while in the center there was a cluster of like 5 camels w/ ropes attached which the weird monster people were cirling around.... idfk!!! but the videographers had 360 cameras or whatever. i guess it ws a very dramatic part of the movie where they needed lots of different shots and angles ... and they made me join the people “actors” in the marshy water w/ the ribbon rope thing running slowly in circles almost like 3/4 submerged underwater .. and once they got their footage they packed up and left and there was a scene of them behind the scenes working w/ their footage and it was like rly bad quality i thought w/ like bright green grass and stuff and i was like were those even professional movie quality cameras? so the water draine and everything was back to “normal” 3 rd old me did a lot of more funny things too but idont remmeber... lastly. laaaastly.... the whole dream was pretty different... the house became a giant mario kart wii-esque race track but we were actually in the game bc it wasnt avideo game it was us actually in karts/bikes racing...it was me, some family, some others idk, and karen again. so we raced and it was crazy fun and a very wild fun map omfg... but it wasn all jusr racing it was a weird mix of so much. it went on for forever so many different obstacles and turns and tunnels and roomsand traveling and fun and not all by car. i was recoridng this too. oh yeah there was this one half-black guy who was like martin kinda and he was w/ me (& 3 yr old me?) on thejourney for some of the scenes....... there is sosososo much more to it you dont freaking know and neither do i now!!! forgotten!!! gone forever. oh well. too much to hold onto anyway. but it was so much more childhood stuff and wildness. but the game finished up around the last lap idk... back in race mode and there were these wario stadium-esque walls like a skate board slope ramp thingy... racinb up those,, get the speed boosts ont he ground, crazy,people neck-and neck, karen was like in th place but then she threw some chansey looking egg bomb thingy and hit 2 out of 3 people and they swerved and she raced toward the finish and won and was super happy and i got 6th place and she wanted us to watch the replay it was crazy too idk!!! actually it think we just re-watched the last 30 seconds where she threw the egg bombs and it was an aerial pov and it was hilarious to see the precision as they swerved out of the way and she sped thru the finish line lol.... might bve been some more stuff after this, and there was a shitton of more before all this and in--between. holy hell. but then i woke up and firgot it all. so the end. freakign. need a dream recorded. i swear to god. for real. holy. heck.