#idfk what my gender presentation is rn and idk what i want it to be but i think i need to start wearing boots so i can fix it

[daggersandarrows]

idk i'm just fucking feeling a lot of trans pain rn. when i came out five years ago i was adamant about Living My Truth, Everywhere. i wore pronoun pins. i had my hair really short. i actually kept up on vocal exercises. i was binding all the fucking time.

and what happened was either strangers assumed i was a cis man, or the people in my life who were supposed to be accepting just passive aggressively reminded me at every goddamn turn that, secretly, they knew i was just a little girl. when i caught my roommate and both of our suitemates talking about me behind my back and misgendering me the whole time, none of them could understand why i was so upset about that part. "we call you what you want to your face, what's the issue?".

i was in a "very inclusive" community theater where i was cast as benvolio. the director looked me over critically and told me i'd have to think of, and play, benvolio as the much younger cousin--"about 14 or so" because "nobody's going to believe you're a man". mercutio was played by a cis woman who was a few inches taller than me.

same theater, different director, when i auditioned for jane eyre i put "any" under part desired. the director pulled me aside and told me she knew i was experienced and that i'd had a great audition and that i was selling myself short not to jot down a few lead parts in that section. so i did. i watched her face fall as she saw that i'd written down all male parts. i was promptly relegated to ensemble.

when i auditioned for spring awakening i was dead set on playing moritz, or, at the very least, hanschen. i told both the director and the assistant director, who were both personal friends, that i was really sick of playing either young innocent boys or bitchy girls. i wanted a serious, angsty male role or nothing. i got cast as ernst. because "nobody's going to believe you as hanschen and we want a man of color in moritz's role, it's so rare that we get moc auditioning!" NOT ONCE DID THEY THINK THAT PERHAPS I COUNTED AS A MAN OF COLOR. people i was fully fucking out to who considered themselves extremely progressive.

i got so goddamn fucking tired of fighting i got so TIRED of doubling down so incredibly hard on a cis male presentation. i got so fucking tired of correcting strangers.

and now i'm spending every day of my life getting misgendered by strangers. every job i've held for the last three years, at least one coworker that i saw on a daily basis would misgender me behind and in front of my back. "allies". people who had no trouble gendering binary trans people correctly. friends.

idfk i'm just so goddamn tired. there is no passing as a nonbinary person. there is no getting taken seriously. there is no winning.

I am so fucking tired of not passing and like yeah there's a reason I stopped putting in the effort bc it was fucking exhausting 24/7 and it was terrifying but like I am just so goddamn tired

[feedtheriver]

it's 4 in the morning and i'm dysphoric for the first time in a really long time

[ghostofcitrus]

i’m just posting bc idfk it’s my blog?? i’ll do what i want lol

vent post. just ignore if ya want. or don’t. whatever tbh.

i do feel icky rn. anxious. idk why. reality is Too Much.

i don’t have friends to talk to and my bf doesn’t rlly get this stuff so whoever happens to read this will. i wish i had someone to talk to rn but oh fuckimg welllll

my brain is not my friend right now. it won’t stop gendering everything i do. i keep feeling like all of my mannerisms and personality is to “girl” to not be girl. i don’t fucking know. i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know. i’m stressed and scared and anxious. i’m afraid that i’m actually just a cis girl and all of this was just rediculous and i have other issues idk. or maybe i was just wanting to be in a community. bht i don’t know why do i keep doing this to myself??? i don’t want to deal with this.

my brain is simultaneously deconstructing and reinforcing the gender binary. deconstructing in the sense that the more i analyze it the less sense it makes, and reinforcing in the sense that i just fuxking csnt let myself break out of it. i keep forcing every single little thing about myself into a binary box. and yeah i guess a lot of it matches a stereotypical girl. i guess. i like femininity. i don’t feel like a girl. i like femininity tho. a lot. not a girl. but what if i am????????????

i don’t recognize myself in the mirror. but when im talking and doing shit i just feel ,,, like im so noticeably a girl. no matter my appearance i keep finding a way to shove myself baxk into a box. do cis girls think like this?????? everything i do. “wow i’m getting ready for bed while talking on the phone with my boyfriend this seems like a Girly thing. you just must be fuckimg faking” “youre face is so feminine and your body is curvy. if you don’t hate every “female” identifier then you’re just a gnc girl” FUCK i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this. and i don’t think i’ll be able to get a flat chest. i feel like i’ve tricked myself into believing i jusy woll happen but i don’t fucking know. i don’t know. i thouvht it would i thouvht itd work oht but i. DONT KNOW i don’t know. i want to look androgynous/vaugly boyish but be feminine in that way. that’s what i want. fuxk this i hate this i hate this. someone tell me if this is normal or if i’m faking or what i am i don’t know

and i’m just anxious. about my future. abohr my present. about the world. about the fact that there’s BILLIONS of other people. the world is MASSIVE i csnt comprehend it. i want the world to be as small as my neighborhood. that i can conceptualize. i just can’t think of anytbing else i csnt do it it won’t fit into my brain. future financial anxiety. i think i’ll end up having to get two jobs. i won’t go down that rabbit hole in this post. but i’m scared. i csnt handle that. i don’t know what capitalism is really going to do to me.

i feel like i’m not allowed to live my life as non-binary. theres not a place in society for that. i have to choose. i have to conform. i don’t want to be a debate. i don’t want to have to argue for my validity or panic at every turn. i don’t want to be shoved into a place. i don’t want to “pick”. but i do. and so,,, my brain forces me to do it to myself in private. i hate it. i hate this.

ugh. i’m calmer now. bht still upset. i csnt sleep. i’m anxious. a lot of things are upsetting me rn. i wish i had someone who it felt like the understood. i loce my boyfriend. i really really do. but he csnt get everything. he’s not autistic so he doesn’t get that experience which feels isolating bc i have autistic friends and the same goes for non-binary. whatever

i’m going to try to sleep now. i’m gonna post this. prob take it down later? i just want other people to see. or talk to me or something. idk honestly. sorry i’m just,,,ugh. i’m finally tired after a few hours of not being able to relax tho. so i’ll try to sleep now. thanks internet void?

anyways i hope if you’re reading this you’re able to recognize how lovely and deserving you are. thanks for reading and sorry lmfao <3