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blackcat419 · 8 months ago

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Ranking the Conspirators and Avengers of Julius Cesar by fuckability

Happy 2,068th anniversary of Caesar’s assassination! To celebrate I’ll be ranking the main 3 conspirators who attacked Julius Ceasar while he was still alive and the men of the second triumvirate plus Agrippa on how fuckable they are to me. I’ll be judging them on attractiveness, conviction to the conspiracy, and how that conviction translates to them in bed. I will be using historical representation, modern reconstructions, and modern media depictions.

Side note: Roman’s viewed sexuality on a binary system from penetrator/dominant to penetrated/submissive. Basically, for a Roman man to be seen as manly he has to be the top in his sexual relationships with women or lower born men. So, a woman being on top, oral sex, or anything a little kinky would be seen as deviant.

7. Lepidus

During the assassination of Julius Caesar, Lepidus was Caesar’s right hand man. He had an army just outside of Rome when Caesar was assassinated. Despite starting off in a strong political position, Lepidus had little initiative in keeping power and was easily ousted by Anthony and Octavian. (Big L for loosing to Anthony). Lepidus did avoid Anthony’s fate as he was the head priest of Rome until his death in 13 BC, which means he lived for 14 years after Octavius became Emperor.

Attractiveness

Lepidus is just not that hot. His statue with that neck beard is almost as bad as Nero’s! The HBO Rome casting doesn’t stick very close to the bust but the actor doesn’t stand out as super good looking. 4/10

Conviction

Lepidus was very much a follower in his partner ship with Anthony and then in the Second triumvirate with Anthony and Octavius. Lepidus started out in a very strong position being the only one with an army and probably could have used said army to reestablish peace and take out the conspirators. His lack of conviction probably is the only thing that saved him from being murdered by Anthony or Octavius as he wasn’t a threat to either and was happy to play second fiddle. 2/10

In bed

Lepidus probably wasn’t that good to have in bed. He’d do what any Roman was expect to do, be on top so only missionary or doggy, not letting his partner take the lead, and no fingering or oral. He calls sex “coupling” because he thinks it sounds more posh compared to other words. He can get the job done but it won’t be a great experience. 2/10

Overall: 2.5/10

Boring, traditional, and not exciting at all.

6. Brutus

Brutus was one of the main leaders of the conspiracy to assassinate Julius Caesar. Brutus was a close friend to Caesar, possibly being seen as a surrogate son because Caesar was having a long affair with his mom and was advancing Brutus’s political career.

Attractiveness

Brutus is definitely a good looking guy, he has a very nice appealing face and the reconstruction still looks hot, although a bit too old for my 22 y/o butt. The actor for Brutus in HBO Rome looks similar enough to the bust. Overall good looking guy but doesn’t stand out much from a crowd. 7/10

Conviction

Brutus’s conviction to the conspiracy is weird. Brutus as a person was slow to act and often forced to react. He needed someone telling him what to do otherwise he fell apart. I believe his main motivation to the conspiracy was saving Julius Caesar from himself. He saw Caesar trying to position himself as a king and thought killing him would keep him from commuting that sin. The well being of the Republic and what it would take to rebuild it came second. This is seen with Brutus being opposed to killing Anthony along with Caesar which left Anthony in a strong political position to paint the conspirators as traitors to Caesar. 4/10

In bed

I think Brutus is very clueless in bed. He doesn’t know anything beyond simple penetration and will need to be taught how to actually please his partner. Unlike Lepidus, Brutus is willing to learn and improve but it’s an uphill battle where you have you drag him to the top. Want him to finger you? You have to literally guide his hand through the whole process and the second you stop leading him, he’s immediately poking at your belly button asking if this is the clit. He’ll walk out mid session because he’s so overwhelmed and just can’t seem to learn. Also unwilling to try anything that’s too radical. So no riding him, oral, or use of toys for this Roman boy. Also will call his mom afterwards to just chat. No aftercare cuddles! 1/10

Overall: 4/10

Cute to look at but total nightmare to fuck.

5. Octavius

Octavius was Caesar’s grandnephew (grandson of Caesar’s sister Julia) and was posthumously adopted by Caesar in his will. At just 19, Octavius became the richest man in Rome and maneuvered himself to becoming the emperor of Rome without ever needing to declare himself as such. Through his use of political power and favors, he became the de facto ruler of Rome while keeping the illusion of a republic. Big chaos is a ladder energy and Octavius is a climber

Attractiveness

Octavius just looks off to me. His eyes are too big, a little too far apart, his ears are too large. He looks weirdly young yet old, 13 going on 30. The actor from HBO Rome is definitely hotter than the reconstruction but he still has the baby face. Idk he’s just kind of creepy, probably that murderous aura in his eyes. 4/10

Conviction

Octavius was the most convicted to getting both justice for his adoptive father and fulfilling his father’s goal of being the king of Rome. Octavius was willing to ally with anyone to get power and would backstab anyone he needed to to get power. 9/10

In Bed

Octavius is definitely a stick in the mud when it comes to sex. He was married 3 times but only had one child with his second wife. He also tried to make Rome more “morally righteous” by outlawing adultery which was a very common practice for upper class Romans. He wants to only have sex in missionary or doggy and he needs to have a spirited political debate to get going. Stops mid act to write his thoughts down before returning. Very boring sex which needs a lot of exhausting debating of politics to actually get going. 1/10

Overall: 4.5/10

Ambitious guy but his first and only love is his pursuit of power.

4. Marcus Antonius

Marcus Antonius or Marc Antony was Julius Caesar’s right hand man until he displeased Caesar by being a total drunk and terrible at governing. At the time of Caesar’s death, Marc Antony was Caesar’s co consul.

Attractiveness

Antony is so hot. Big muscular man with dark curly hair? He’s just my type! I wish the hbo actor had curly hair but other than that he’s pretty good looking. I can see why Cleopatra kept him around, he’s such a hunk. 9/10

Conviction

Antony started off as very convicted and determined to avenge Caesar and gain power. He got the people of Rome on his side with his funeral speech. He was able to out maneuver Cicero and kill him. But despite all this, once Antony achieved the heights of his power, he kind of floundered. He spent his time partying instead of preparing for war with Octavius. While Ambitious, he looses his conviction once he has nothing to work towards. 5/10

In bed

Antony is definitely a freak in bed. He was married five times with 9 children between them! He was also in a lot of sexual scandals. As a youth, Cicero said he played wife to his friend Curio. This is probably political slander as Cicero hated Antony and calling someone the bottom in a gay relationship was a very big insult to Roman men as it meant being passive and thus, woman like. Antony knows what he’s doing and isn’t afraid to get experimental. He doesn’t care about Roman social norms when it comes to sex and so nothing is stopping him from pleasing his partner. During Antony’s climb to power, sex is less common and more focused on connection and escaping the world with his lover. But after Antony has come to the height of his power, sex becomes much more indulgent. The emotional connection with his partner becomes less important as he chases his own orgasm. Your pleasure feels like an afterthought instead of the main focus of sex. Definitely asks you if you think his dad would be proud of him but if you say yes he’ll say you obviously did not know his father. While 9/10 at the start, it turns to a 4/10 for a final score of 6.5/10

Overall: objectively 7/10, subjectively 5.5/10

When Antony has a goal to work towards, he is basically perfect but once he doesn’t have anyone or anything pushing him, he flounders and succumbs to his own vices. A little too much like myself.

3. Cassius Longinus

Cassius Longinus, the soldier in the conspirators turned on Caesar for possibly several reasons. Still, the one I like the most is him being upset he wasn’t advancing politically as fast as he thought he should.

Attractiveness

Cassius's statue and modern reconstruction show how a statue can make someone look a lot different. The lines around his mouth are pronounced in both versions but the reconstruction makes it look a lot more natural and not weird like with the statue. The HBO actor also has a similar face shape and details and he looks very good. 7/10

Conviction

This man is dedicated!! Not only did he want to take out Caesar but also Marc Antony and other Caesarean to make sure the conspirators were filling in the power vacuum. The only problem is that Cassius didn’t do this. He was convinced by Brutus not to take out more Caesareans, not taking Antony out when he was taking power, and not to send aid to Cicero during Octavius’s rise to power. In the end, Cassius was dedicated more to Brutus than the conspiracy (which supports my theory that Cassius loved Brutus in a romantic way but I digress) in the end, all conspiracy and no stabbies 6/10.

In Bed

Cassius is definitely an explorative lover but is still really strict about staying the dominate one. He also gets a little aggressive and possessive in bed easily. Definitely would be into bdsm with a focus on a command kink. He’s a soldier and likes it when his partner follows his orders. Definitely a good lay 7/10

Overall: 6.66/10

A head strong lover who’s conviction leads him to do crazy things. The type of guy who’d break my heart.

2. Decimus Brutus

Decius Brutus is the third forgotten member of the conspiracy. He is a distant cousin to Brutus. Decimus started out as a Caesarean and fought for Caesar in the Gallic wars which gained him favor with Caesar. Decimus was so close to Caesar that he was appointed to take over the transalpine Gaul Provence after Caesar. But Decimus became disillusioned with Caesar and saw him rising to become a tyrant and strives to stop that.

Attractiveness

Sadly, Decimus Brutus is over shadowed by Brutus and Cassius in many ways. We don’t have any busts (that I could find and confirmed were Decimus and not the other Brutus) and Wikipedia only has two coins with his face minted on them. Decimus doesn’t fair any better in modern media. He’s not in HBO’s Rome, Shakespeare mistakenly calls him Decius, and is mostly remembered in literature. Because of this lack of material to judge, I won’t be scoring him in this section n/a

Conviction

Despite Decimus usually being overlooked, forgotten, or merged with his cousin Brutus, was very instrumental to the conspiracy. Decimus was a Cesarean who fought for Caesar in Gaul and during the Civil war. Decimus became disillusioned with Caesar and decided that he needed to do something about it. Further more, Decimus convinced Caesar to attend the senate meeting on the Ides instead of staying home after his wife had a nightmare about his death. The place he faulted is after the assassination where he decided to leave and take up his position as Governor of transalpine Gaul (which Caesar appointed him to) instead of trying to keep power out of Antony’s hands. This decision led to him being killed and his head and hands sent back to Rome. 8/10, he came, he saw, he murdered but it just wasn’t enough

In Bed

Decimus definitely is adventurous in bed. He is willing to change his approach to pleasing his partner as his goal is always making sure they are satisfied. He will let you dominate him and will dominate you if you want. I also think he’d be into roleplay as he likes getting into character and pretending to be someone else, which he’s good at. He also needs a lot of cuddles after sex to make sure you feel loved. He’s a devoted lover and a cuddle bug 8/10

Overall: 8/10 while we have no clear surviving depictions of Decimus Brutus and how he’s often ignored in adaptations, he’s still a really interesting character who I like a lot because I love overlooked side characters.

1. Marcus Agrippa

Agrippa, childhood friend of Octavius, his loyal right hand man, builder of Rome, defender of Italia, and Octavius’s son in law? Yeah, Octavius had his best friend marry his daughter in a move that showed he wanted Agrippa to be the next emperor or guide the next emperor. But Agrippa passed before Octavius and left a massive hole in his succession plans.

Attractiveness

Agrippa is so hot. Not only is he physically attractive but he is emotionally attractive! This is the most loyal Roman man ever! Not once did he think about betraying his best friend to become emperor himself. Agrippa still supported Octavius even when he was sent away from the capitol in a sort of exile to fight. But I’m getting side tracked.

Agrippa’s busts portray this strong jawed masculine man who has these sad soulful eyes. Almost as if he can see the distraction his family would face. All his sons would die before becoming adults, his daughters used as marriage pounds, and his wife put into another unhappy marriage to her step bro. The HBO actor in Rome captures Agrippa’s look so well! Oh to be in a museum with this bust, I would kiss it! 10/10 no notes

Conviction

While Agrippa didn’t come into Rome until after Caesar was assassinated, he was dedicated to serving Octavius’ grind to power. No matter how many times Octavius pushed him aside or lost, Agrippa always came back. Even when he was essentially co-emperor with Augustus, he never pushed for having more power than Augustus. He was commuted to his boyfriend I mean friend 10/10

In Bed

This man fucks. He had 9 kids in his life and his last wife Julia, daughter of Augustus, was even pregnant when he died. Damn this man did not stop! Agrippa is a service dom. He loves seeing his partner being pleasured by him. He’s here to serve and give his all to his partner. 10/10

Overall: 10/10 one of the greatest historical men ever

#julius caesar #marcus vipsanius agrippa #Decimus Brutus #brutus #Agrippa #Octavius #Lepidus #Marc Antony #Cassius #ranking Romans by how fuckavlw they are #the ides of march

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jam-packed · 1 month ago

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hiiii no one asked but pt 1 of a billion to my last unicorn au where marc is not a unicorn it will be marcnaia but not u gotta be patient im sry. anyways intro ily

about 1.3k

Casey sighs as he and Enea step carefully through the loose, winding path the forest grants them. They had been looking for a viable lake to fish at for a while, and despite the beauty of the greenwood that surrounded them, Casey knew this was not the place for them. It is far too quiet for comfort, Casey thinks, far too peaceful for him to truly enjoy—he is quite a modern man, as he considers. The trees stand tall and foreboding but plentiful and lush; the ground without leaves or brambles—not a prickle of snow has seen the ample soil beneath them—each blade of grass stands just tall enough to tickle the hairs on Enea’s naked ankles; each critter and creature they saw met them with curiosity and childlike wonder but leaving enough distance where Casey would not have to prevent Enea from taking something home; the birds sing sweet melodies into their ears, each note seeming to lead them closer and closer to where they would like to be; and Casey gets the lucky remnants of delicate and decadent speckled fur in the corners of his eyes—bright specks flitting in his vision to-and-fro.

Casey puts his hand on Enea’s shoulder, forcing his attention from the beauty enveloping them. “We must look elsewhere, Enea. This is no place for us.”

“What do you mean?” Enea’s eyes sparkle as he asks, mesmerized by the twisting leaves in the reaching branches above them, shining sparse but angelic light onto the two—kissing each curl on Enea’s head and spinning them to gold.

“There is magic here, my friend, learned slight by those that dwell in the cerval’s forest.”

“Cerval?”

“You are too young to have seen one, Enea, for the one here is lone in this world.” Casey declares, looking into the deep brush of the forest, where two bewildering moon-slit eyes follow him intently; he knows better than to stay here now. “We must think better than to fish here, lest we remove the world of any more magic.”

“Tell me of it, since I have not seen one—not heard of one,” Enea pleads with shining eyes, his boyish charm much more apparent now than even when they first met those fair months ago, in a small pub far from where the sun sets on them now. “Tell me, Casey.”

Casey hums, feeling tiny, near minuscule ants crawl up his calf with no care, and he grants them such privilege. “My great-grandmother—maybe even great-great-grandmother—told my mother, who told me, of her meetings with one. It came to her, rather than her to it—as most seem to do—and–”

“Did she capture it?” Enea’s voice trembles slightly.

“Of course not, dearest Enea. She simply sat near it, with the barest of a smile upon her lips to perhaps bring it close to her, and it did. It laid its head in her lap and licked the small sprouts of blood that flourished from her hands, healing the cuts that may have wounded her. Then it fell asleep, bringing her along with it—she only woke when she found it had gone, leaving her clothes barren of blemishes and bruises.”

“What did it look like?”

A smile floats onto Casey’s face. “Its eyes reflect the moon, and its fur is as soft as a well-loved cat’s.”

“Where did they all go, my love?”

Casey shrugs, his face flaring from the title Enea bestows him with. “Things change. There are things greater than us that haunt the Earth—it is no place for grand creatures such as he.”

There is a pregnant pause from Enea, bare of his usual thoughts and questions and mistakes in his speech that Casey finds ever so endearing. He looks around the forest for what they both come to know will be their last, the floral air kissing him sweetly. “Yes,” Enea says, determination set on his brow. He adjusts the rod and bag that lay upon his back, taking deep steps into the forest floor as if running towards the outer world beyond them. “Yes, let us fish someplace else.”

They reach the forest’s edge quickly—the blinding eyes following each move with careful precision—and Casey turns towards the poor creature, knowing its presence despite his decided lack of vision about it. He frowns as his voice cracks on his tongue, teeth clicking together reluctantly with each word.

“Do not leave here, dear wolf, for the world out here will ensure your end; keep in your forest, keep it lush and bright, with each creature protected by your grand stead—for no other can do as you do, for you are the last.” Casey can feel his eyes fill with salt and glistening pity. “I wish you luck, my friend; beware of men and girls that will only become bitter, old, and silly.”

The two take their leave, their packs full of nets, rods, bait, and gear gone along with them, and the cerval wolf’s gaze falls from them with a slow, dreary sadness. “Is it true?” He asks the forest he habits, his voice hoarse and crackling from disuse—it would frighten him if he allowed himself fear. “Am I really all that is left?”

He does not prance like the deer that follow his horrified sprint. He throws himself to the ground, twisting and crying in the dirt and gravel, biting at his tail and bowed legs for some poor sense of comfort.

“How selfish they all are!” He growls through his mournful yelps. “My brother, my beloved brother! How could I live if he has left me, too?” The sprawling roots and sagging blades of grass hug at the poor creature’s shivering and solitary bod. The cerval drags itself up to lay by the river bed, its water akin to a mirror—clear and unwaning—if the pitiful beast had ever seen the latter to compare the two. He weeps once more, his tears mixing deep into the minute waves that come from the small waterfall nearby. He takes a drink, kissing the surface of the water with his speckled fur and padded nose, only to replenish himself of the tears he lost so he may start anew.

The heavens fall to darkness, the only light coming from the moon and stars shining through the trees’ fair leaves and branches overhead, and the heart-rending wolf has stayed in its tragic state for—to him—what felt like days. “Maybe,” he thinks out loud to the fish beneath the quivering ripples of the river beside him, “maybe I am to leave this place. What do men know? I could find them with ease, with pride. I am a great beast like no other; men tremble before me, and thunder calls my name—it would be with great ease, yes.” He swats at the brown trout taunting him from below, catching one by pulling it to the edge—where the water and soil meet in hopeful embrace—lifting it with his claws and peering at the poor thing with deep, bright, curious eyes. “Or maybe I should stay,” he concedes, pushing the rather dull trout back into the glistening waters. “I cannot really leave.” He stands to walk the river’s stream. “If I am truly the only one, I cannot leave for selfish reasons as they all have.”

He laughs to himself, “The forest will make fun, they will make me cry on return, and I will never leave again.”

“Yes,” he decides. “I will not leave. There is no possibility for it.”

#my fic :(#last unicorn au #marc marquez #motogp #BY TECHNICALITY IM SORRY IF ANY OF THESE IS A MISTAG PLS LET ME KNOW!!!!#uhhh if you got to the end. or read any of it at all. id love to know what u think hit me up i will answer and i will talk w u abt it.#also!! this is blatantly kinda a little bit stolen from peter s. beagle's the last unicorn. both the book and the movie. like.#its a retelling in a way yes but most of the story beats will be the same so i apologize if any of this is predictable #again ideas or critique i am very open to. especially cus i dont really post fics in parts. or fics ever <333 #enea and casey are here but im not tagging them cus they dont really show up in the rest of the fic rip #also not tagging marcnaia yet cus it wont happen for awhile. i love build up.

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