#id love a tattoo related to it

[sejanus-plinth]

Farit Kozhennikov | Character Study (the vita nostra series)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ↳ “ It is impossible to live in the world where I do not exist,” he said after a short pause. “Although it’s hard to resign oneself to my existence, I understand that. ”

| Vita Nostra - Marina & Sergey Dyachenko

[todayisafridaynight]

if i start crying looking at the super groupies collab pieces no im fucking not

[chimerabytes]

the transspecies flag is so pretty..... its another one of my favorite flags :)

[whumble-beeee]

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 14

Content: kidnapping/captivity, noncon drugging, recreational drug use, disabled whumpee, trans whumpee, past captivity references

* * * * * * * *

Excerpt from: The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping; a self-help guide for villains and bounty-hunters

[It’s a tale as old as time. You see it so very often in movies, books, YA love stories; The phenomenon known as Stockholm Syndrome, where a captive starts to develop positive feelings for their captor. However, Stockholm Syndrome is not a thing to be feared! Humans are very social creatures, after all, and control over another’s emotions is one of the most powerful thing’s a person can possess, super or not!

This is why you, villain, need to beware it’s the lesser-known counterpart: Lima Syndrome, where the captor becomes sympathetic or develops feelings for their captive. These disorders often develop side-by-side, so be wary and be vigilant! Developing Lima Syndrome may lead you to make rash decisions about your captured hero, cloud your judgment, allow your hero to take advantage of you, or even allow them to escape! Do not let your captured hero control you like you control them. You are jailor and prisoner. Nothing more.]

* * * * * * * *

Declan gawked at the Villain Brand tattoo staining Stan's back. The one he could finally see unimpeded now that he'd literally pinned the guy down and stripped him. The one Stan had fought so hard to hide.

“Holy shit…”

The ID number. He knew that number from so long ago. And Level 4 super. Manipulator power type. Social Designation Black.

Supervillain: Incarcerated for power-related crimes.

… and blue.

Test subject.

He fucking knew it.

He knew it.

It was that girl. That one from the raid that happened, what… ten years ago now? Longer? The one he’d found hiding with the toddler. One he saved, one he couldn’t. Fuck, man, he’d risked everything for that toddler. A little sister. A moment of weakness, or what some would call a moment of strength.

Stan had a little sister. Chloe. That was her name. That was the toddler’s name too.

She was still safe. She was still alive.

Thank fuck. 

Declan hadn't even realized at first because, well, the guy was a dude now. And an adult. There were no records on him, period, so he couldn’t go back to look before now, and his superiors certainly never deigned to tell him anything. Thanks Lana, fuck you Vaughn.

Though he’d been suspicious for a while. It all just clicked into place with that last piece of the puzzle: why Stan had no records, why he didn’t legally exist, the way he fought back no matter how impossible the odds were, that nagging feeling that he knew this kid from somewhere, the similarities between his and the girl’s powers, not to mention those weird looks he kept catching out of the corner of his eye, the way Stan has said something about protecting ‘her’ in his fit earlier, the concealment of his transness, the recognition in Stan’s eyes since the start–...

Oh.

Declan smiled.

Oh, Stan already knew. 

He knew, and he kept it to himself.

On purpose.

That conniving little fucker.

 “What? What holy shit?” Stan squirmed weakly under Declan, demanding his attention back as always, stuttering like he did always did whenever he got scared or angry. He even tried briefly to twist around to look at the man seated on top of him, only before immediately giving up and laying his head back down on the floor.

Declan rolled his eyes and held back a chuckle at the poor little guy as he tossed out some half-assed excuse he didn't even bother remembering, then grabbed his phone to take a picture of the brand. He’d definitely have to bring the uh… dishonesty up. But later. Stan was much too high for any of that right now. 

Though it did feel a little bit gross to take a picture of Stan like this while he was drugged, especially with how much he’d fought Declan about the brand earlier and especially after Declan had forcefully stripped the guy. But Declan needed proof.

None of it even mattered in the long run, anyway. Declan still had a job to do.

“Yeah… maybe you should…” Stan retorted loosely into the floor. “Not… Aheh, uh, throw me… to–... walls anymore…” 

Declan nearly burst out laughing.

Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe Stan should consider that next time he's being a little shit.

He pulled the white shirt back over Stan's head with some large amount of difficulty, and probably much more swearing than necessary since Stan may as well have been a floppy fish weakly squirming against the floor at this point. Then picked him up with one arm under the stomach, tugged the oversized white shirt down over his skinny little twink body, and then, with a sigh, let him drop unceremoniously back onto the floor and went to retrieve a plastic water bottle from his little plastic grocery bag, patting himself on the back for a job well done. He’d successfully de-bindered Stan without seeing the kid’s stupid man tits. Hooray! All that work to specifically pin him down on his stomach so they'd be hidden from Declan’s gaze, all because of Stan’s incessant fighting about it before. The things I do for my captures, he thought.

He was not looking forward to the indefinite amount of time he’d have to keep doing this.

“We don’t know how long, love,” Lana had said over the phone, “That fiancé of his doesn’t believe he’s dead, and you better believe he'll raise hell about it, the poor man. There’s probably going to be some extra ‘convincing’, paperwork, you know how it is. He can’t be here. Just hold onto the little guy until we get everything cleared up.”

So that was that. No argument. Just indefinite babysitting of a very unwilling baby.

Declan walked back over to hold the bottle out to Stan before he even fully agonized himself back up off his stomach, and yet somehow, miraculously, he still managed to do that skitter backward that he always did when Declan got even remotely close to him

He crouched down and shoved the bottle into Stan’s hands. “Drink,” he ordered. “Not too fast though.”

Stan looked in bewilderment at the bottle. Almost like he couldn't believe something so sacred could just be thrust within his grasp like that. Then his brow furrowed. He popped open the cap and sniffed it, then glared angrily at both the container of liquid and the person who’d given it to him. “Don’ want your stupid–”

“It’s not drugged. You haven’t drank water in almost three days, you’re gonna die. Drink it, NOT–!”

Half the water already disappeared, drained down Stan’s throat. Declan scrambled and snatched the water out of his grasp. “Not too fast! Christ, you’re gonna throw up!”

“But– But…” He smacked his lips, shook himself off like a dog from the water that spilled on him from Declan’s snatch, then gaped for a moment around the room as he once again seemed to remember the concrete and the chains that held him prisoner. “Fine. Who cares? Protein bar’sss-ssstupid anyway.”

Eh. Fair enough. To be honest, after the like, eight protein bars Declan’d had over the past few days, he was also pretty sick of them. He’d get them both some actual food later. 

With that task half-done, he stashed the half-empty bottle in his back pocket. “You can have the rest in a bit,” he told the wet cat of a human he was still inexplicably in charge of. Stan’s shoulders drooped. He just nodded, eyes affixed to one specific spot on the empty opposing wall.

Declan looked around at the mess of torture implements strewn about the room. Anything else he needed to do before they left?

Oh… 

Yeah, right.

“You need to go to the bathroom, runt?”

Stan's eyes shot up to his captor, then settled there for just a moment. Then drifted away into the middle distance for a longer moment. Narrowed his eyes slightly. Declan just about took that as a signal that he needed to save Stan from an apparant stroke when his head shook a slow and conspiratorial ‘no’. 

Declan rolled his eyes, already producing a hairpin out of his hair to click open Stan's ankle fetter, then pulled him to unsteady feet and guided him out the door to the dinky little bathroom at the end of the hallway. Stan didn't even struggle as Declan held him up, too busy ogling at the apparent novelty of being out in the hallway without running for his life.

“Five minutes,” he told Stan, depositing the vacant-stared man in the bathroom. Then he shut the door, started the count somewhere in the back of his mind, and went back to the torture room to clean up so they could finally head home.

God, he felt like shit.

Almost as bad as the kid looked, actually, which was saying something because little Stanny looked pretty fucked.

He was just tired. They both were, actually, that's why Stan had to be drugged. Sure, Declan enjoyed putting him in his place, but after the fifth time, after nearly three days of this, after almost two nights of no sleep, another prospective sleepless night of driving, double the usual amount of G to compensate for that, probably not enough food or water himself, and Stan still testing his patience at every turn… yeah, Stan needed to stop. For both their sakes. Mostly his own, if he valued still having at least one working knee.

Declan meandered over to Stan’s shredded former grey button-down and swooped it up off the ground, inspecting the damage Vaughn caused with those shiny steel surgical scissors of his. The shirt couldn’t even be recognised as a shirt anymore. Just a mess of crumpled fabric lying miserably on the floor, kinda like Stan had done for most of time he’d been here.

Vaughn was gonna rip that poor kid apart.

It wouldn’t be neat and clean like the persona that creep worked so hard to maintain, either. He usually waited until at least the drop-off before shining his true colors as a giant fucking creep in the safety of his creep-ass torture lab. Never directly in front of Declan, and certainly not outside of his jurisdiction like this. Sure, Declan was a piece of shit, but that man’s shittiness truly defied all modern interpretations of physics.

Although…

Declan pulled out his phone to stare at the picture of the hero brand again. Proof of his suspicions. Proof of identity. Proof of both their past misfortunes. Proof that also happened to contain evidence of the brand new abuse Declan had caused over any old scars that had long since faded. With Stan’s now bare back sporting a very mottled score of blacks and dark, painful blues and tender purples and even some fading greens and yellows and reds of all kinds: dark, smeared, and caked burgundy blood, or the bright, raised welts. Definitely a couple of broken ribs in there too. Not to mention all the distress peeking out from under that damn collar, the probably several concussions, the emotional turmoil, the mental distress that danced across his face every time Declan so much as stepped in his direction.

All of that was his doing, huh? Not Vaughn’s, save the missing shirt and the single clean slash running along his jawline. 

Declan.

He twirled his gun around his middle finger, relishing the way it fell so cleanly back into his grasp, the thump of the wooden grip against his hand and the shining, perfectly balanced metal.

Oh well.

Those were just their roles;

Hero and villain. 

Predator and prey.

Bounty hunter and captive.

Stan knew the rules of the game. He'd been given a choice to comply every time. Every time. And every time, he chose to fight. 

So Declan didn’t feel all that bad about it.

Four minutes gone by.

He needed to get back.

He did one last check over of the room, put the chain away, placed the chair back, got all the rope and weapons and even Stan’s crapped-up shirt, and put it all in his plastic bag. Then he went ahead and put on his hat and bandana again, because he’d be damned if he broke any more of the rules that kept him alive in this business for ten years and counting. Then headed back down the hall to the bathroom.

And to a not-at-all-surprising Stan who was agonizingly slowly and painfully and single-mindedly mading his way down the hall. Step by wall-assisted, unstable, limping step.

Did he even go to the bathroom?

Declan wasn’t going to check that. Stan could suffer if he didn’t.

“Stan! Really, runt?” he called out, tromping over to the captive. Stan jolted violently and loosely spun around with a loud squeak, except his feet forgot to move along with the rest of him and sent him crashing and clawing into the wall for any semblance of support. A look of pure unadulterated fear cascaded down his features. No defiance. No anger. Just wide-eyed, breath-taking, heart-pounding, fist-clenching fear.

Declan didn't even say anything. Stan stumbled backward as Declan got closer and landed wrong on his bad leg, enough to cause a cry of pain that almost unbelievably slowly turned into a battle with gravity that ended with Stan crumpled on the floor. Stan groaned and yelled in frustration. Then slapped his hands over his mouth, eyes wide, shaking. For a moment, Declan could only see the lurching of his body as he curled in on himself, then the shaking turned more into heaving, shallow, impossibly quick breaths, and as Declan got closer, it became very clear that it wasn’t just crying or whatever, but laughing, quietly cackling while clutching at his bad knee, whispering “ow, ow” to himself in between giggling heaves.

Declan took a deep breath. He didn’t have the heart to punish him about the escape attempt, if you could even call it that. Or the energy. Pick one.

Stan’s gaze shot up to him, straining against the stupid collar that rendered the admittedly very powerful super helpless. Tears shone in his red and dilated eyes, sparkling in the fluorescent light, a smile stretched and cracking across his face like a long-rotted jack-o-lantern still left out three weeks after Halloween.

Then dropped completely.

“Please don't hurt me,” he whispered, shuddering.

No.

No, he begged.

Like something out of a horror movie.

Some weird sense of subdued panic and revulsion wove through Declan’s chest, a feeling he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before. Then just a sense of overwhelming weariness at the pitiful sight.

They both needed a break, didn't they?

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” he conceded softly, pulling the half-empty water bottle back out of his pocket and placing it into Stan’s shaking hands. “Not now, anyway. Drink the rest of this, yeah?”

Stan simply clutched it, never once moving his unfocused and bloodshot gaze from his jailor. Declan sighed, grabbed the bottle and carefully twisted the cap off, and even more carefully lifted Stan’s death grip up to his lips so he could drink. The whole ordeal reminded him of taking care of a drunk friend, way back when. Except they weren’t friends. 

After a tentative pause and an immensely encouraging and monotone “it’s not poisoned, don’t drink too fast,” from Declan, he swallowed the first tentative sip. 

His entire body untensed, practically melting into the wall. He drank until the entire bottle disappeared in his shaking hands, head lolling all the way back to let gravity gift him those last few drops as it crushed to practically nothing

“Ya done?” Declan asked languidly. 

Stan nodded.

“Good. I’m gonna tie your hands behind your back now, and then we’re goin’ out to my car, and we're leaving.” He explained slowly. “If you can behave yourself, you can sit in the passenger seat. Otherwise, you’re goin’ in the trunk. Agreed?”

“B-but-but–”

“Agreed, chiquito?”

Stan looked around the room as if desperately searching for the answer. Then nodded.

“Great. Also, that's what she said,” he chuckled

Oh, he was definitely delirious.

Stan didn’t even fight him this time as he yanked the man up and turned him around to cuff him. He barely even stood, practically limp, swaying on his feet, with the only thing keeping him standing being his single locked knee and Declan’s occasional shoves that kept him from leaning too far in any one direction.

Declan didn’t like drugged Stan. Even if it was funnier, easier. He'd rather Stan fight him, because that'd at least show he's able.

Though the real Stan would be back in another 12 hours or so, and by then he’d probably be missing drugged Stan just as much.

He pressed the captive into his side for support without even checking if he could walk on his own, because he obviously couldn’t, then made a mental note to get Stan a temporary cane later. He felt so small, so… nonconcrete, pressed into Declan’s side, forced to rely him to do something as simple as walking. 

So squishy. Fragile. Breakable. He almost couldn’t believe that the person giggling and drooling into his precious leather jacket was the very same as the one he’d spent night and day staking out to find the perfect way to capture, making sure he accounted for every detail, everything that could possibly go wrong, because in every scenario if things didn’t go exactly according to plan, Stan would absolutely crush Declan into a fine paste before he let him get anywhere near him.

He couldn’t dwell on those differences now. He couldn’t mourn the fates of all the people he captured. It broke the rules, the rules that kept Declan alive, and it wouldn’t be fair to all the supers that came before Stan; Those who never had anyone to mourn them, and those forced to continue living in a special type of hell even as their loved ones mourned their deaths, accepted it, and moved on. Even as their own selves died, and yet their bodies kept on living anyway.

He couldnt dwell on it unless he wanted to become one of them himself. Metaphorically. Literally. Who even cared anymore? He was too tired for this. Not thinking sounded like a great idea right about now.

Declan shoved Stan into the passenger seat of his truck, practically threw him, actually, then rummaged through the glovebox until he found the little baggie filled with those special little white pills and popped one in his mouth

Wonderful. Great.

He buckled Stan’s seatbelt for him after a brief confusion when Declan told him to, but he realized he couldn’t and got very upset and scared and started shaking again before Declan just went ahead and did it for him.

Declan slid into the driver’s seat and turned the key in the ignition, relishing the rumbling sound of the motor reverberating through his chest as it roared to life. His head already felt clearer. The world a little brighter, despite the bright crisp orange of the setting sun dyeing the sky an ever-darkening, gorgeous mixture of hot pinks and burnt oranges and burning reds, spanning unimpeded except by whisping grey clouds breaking the harmony of the dusk-washed light. Then the stars, near invisible speckles, sparse at first, teasing even, until they slowly and inevitably beckoned forth the darker violets and deep indigos and what looked to be the purest of blacks broken up by the sprinkling of the purest white stars, soon to be a cavalcade too numerous to ever count.

So big, all-encompassing. 

Light years away, unencumbered by the existence of humanity.

Even Stan couldn’t help but stare in the silence.

Deeby let out a deep breath.

“Alright, bud. Let’s head home.”

* * * * * * * *

Next

Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy | @pirefyrelight | @cakeinthevoid | @painsandconfusion | @books-are-everything

@paperprinxe | @tippytappytyping | @chaotic-orphan | @notactuallyluska | @lumpofsand

@watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees | @whumpwhittler | @thelazywitchphotographer

(A special thank you and welcome to all the new people who joined the taglist! Y'all are genuinely so wonderful :D If you'd like to be added or subtracted from the taglist, don't be afraid to ask!)

[joltionizagamrr]

DMMD - Koujaku Route

My thots :)

To begin:

Character Design and first impressions: I LOVE Koujaku's character design- he's HOT. He's honestly so my type- a perfect blend of pretty and strongly masculine. His reputation as a ladykiller makes sense- honestly, his swag was so strong, it made me wonder if DMMD was made by a woman, lol. The game wrote him perfectly I feel like- he defintiley gave that strong impression of his authority as a gang leader, while also showcasing that side of him that is vulnerable and careful in his personal life. It was a very realistic portrayal of what he was meant to be.

First impression in hindsight to Aoba's POV: At first, I didn't understand why Aoba was honestly so weird about being around Koujaku. The fact that he would try to skeddadle at the sight of him, or would be so STRESSED having to talk to him-- I thought that might have been weirdly uncharacteristic. However, I couldn't be further from wrong. Aoba's reactions weren't THAT extreme, and were honestly kind of relateable (which is why I love aoba as a character so much) given the circumstances. This is his childhood best friend we're talking about- someone he shared a CLOSE tie to his whole childhood, he lost contact from him for a time period, and dude comes back to be a total hottie with the ladies AND a gang leader. Like, I wouldn't know how to act around him either LOL. I feel like sometimes when you have an extensive history with someone, relearning how to be around them after you have both changed is SO weird. It's not that Aoba didn't like him or hated him all of a sudden, he just needed a push to not resist that change. Obviously spending more time with each other, when choosing Koujaku's route, will easily help. Also, if you notice, Aoba mainly feels so resistant when Koujaku is out in public, around the ladies-- this is just an awkward situation for anyone.

Koujaku route scenes:

His scenes are SO realistic and honestly wholesome. He has a very positive bearing on his attitude, and playing his route realistically feels like someone id date.....except for *that* scene lol. The one problematic scene in the main storyline was a bit shocking for me, considering it wasn't even a bad ending or anything like that. It's kinda wild how aoba just KEEPS IT MOVIN after experiencing the most traumatic things in his entire life LOL. The way they wrapped up that scene and bounced back from it was well enough for me, considering I love everything else about his route :3

Character design:

Koujaku was one of the characters that strongly catched my eye, which got me interested in the DMMD series in the first place. He's very attractive, and i'm also biased because I like dark hair and tattoos lol. The way he smiles too is attractive as well- I love a fun upbeat type character!

Is he my FAV OTP?

NO! He's soooo close tho. Ideally, I want him, aoba, and ren to be in a threeway relationship ;w;!

[starsoftheeye]

TMAGP 16 LIVE REACTION

here we go again! featuring: me doing a computing quiz in prep for my exam as i listen to the horrors

obvious spoiler warning ahead

Pre-Episode

Once again relying on spotify since my youtubes still being weird

Ads gives me times to set up the bulletpoints tho so thats good

haha not the hello jon reference

titles relatable lmao

Pre Statement

Omg alice actually spoke about her trauma no-one expected that

"i'm alright" babes youre not fooling anyone

"hadnt seen someone die since..." more alice lore? is this her parents?

yeah of course you believe her celia

I'm glad alice actually told someone about it, i was worried she was just gonna hold it in. her horror film survival skills have proven me wrong yet again

alice :(

alice do not manifest that into existence

Statement

loving this girl already

INK5SOUL

INK5OUL REVEAL

they sound kind of monotone(?) dunno if thats intentional or if its just me but thatd be cool if it was

omg we're gonna hear them get horror-ified by tattoos

"whats the worst that could happen?" oh honey...

oh i guess no tattoo audio, just concerning noises

what happened jesus

INK5OUL SITUATIONSHIP HUH???

DID THEY MANIFEST THEMSELF A SITUATIONSHIP WITH A HEART TATTOO OMG THATS AMAZING

im loving the special effects and genz slang

"big mood am I right?" girl RUN

i wonder how many influencers could get away with trying to meet a fan in a graveyard and proceeding to give them a shovel and tell them to dig

not the "you said you were goth" are they gonna start asking for 5 different goth bands

i wonder how the cymatics of physically affecting someone with a tattoo works. like do you have to actually alter the tattoo and it gives them diseases or bad luck or can you just manifest it with the power of gothic tattoos and eldritch horror

im guessing theyre referring to the sea guy in a previous statement who met ink5oul?

oh no poor girl :(

i love the fact that ink5oul takes being an influencer seriously tho, idk i just kind of expected them to be kind of removed from their fans and and instead just totally focused on their craft like some people can be. id buy both depictions tbh but theres something about them using their platform as well as their weird ability that makes them more interesting, especially as im assuming their fans are just like that and arent also following the same powers as 1nksoul

oh god

holy shit

hell of a metaphor tho

this poor girl oh my god :(((

Post Statement

oh alice :(

nice to see sam and celia be there for her though. i feel bad for alice but my samalicelia heart is loving this

gwen what are you doing

oh lenas upset

ooh she wasnt supposed to bring lady mowbray in

go gwen tbh

thermodynamic comedian is gonna love this episode

(had to edit this post as i realised id spelled ink5oul as 1nksoul the whole time lmao)

[verysium]

what do you read in your spare time? you’re one of the most eloquent users i know, id love to hear how you find the media you consume and what your favorites are

omg ei 😊 welcome back to the inbox! thank you for your sweet words although i'm probably not qualified enough to be considered the full definition of eloquent. i am going to preface this post by saying that i definitely don't read as much as i should, so this list is not going to be comprehensive whatsoever. the last time i even visited an in-person library was like half a decade ago, and since then my spare time has been nonexistent lmao. anyways, here are some of my favorite/most recent reads as listed by author:

POETRY

richard siken: i think siken is already well-known both in the literary world and in whatever booktok deems is popular culture. if you don't already know him though, he is best known for his poetry collection crush, which delves into themes of obsession, gay love, and violent eroticism. i actually read this chapbook unknowingly. as in i was hounding sketchy pdf download sites at 3 AM and saw a man with bloodied lips on the cover and decided to read it. he basically became my summer fever dream after that. the way he juxtaposes images is seamless, smoother than water. only richard siken can talk about violence without making it sound violent. i also enjoyed his other poetry collection war of the foxes, especially "portrait of fryderyk in shifting light." i think light is a common motif throughout most of his poems, and he manipulates it effortlessly. the most recent piece i read from him is "piano lesson." i have nothing left to say that he didn't already say, so i would just recommend reading it for yourself. he is the og big brain when it comes to word play.

ocean vuong: he's unforgettable, and i mean that literally because nobody forgets a person named ocean. time is a mother was exactly what the name suggests: an exploration of grief, loss, and the rewind of time after his mother's death. some of the poems are almost cinematic in quality. "künstlerroman" is my favorite because it feels exactly like watching a video tape in reverse. i think his most famous work is "someday i'll love ocean vuong." it was the first piece i ever read from him, and to this day, it remains my comfort poem.

silas denver melvin: i only recently discovered him through his chapbook grit. i think he's also on tumblr @/sweatermuppet. he writes a lot on the trans experience, and his work gives me a mix of southern gothic and country vibes. would definitely read his other publications if i had the time.

chen chen: one thing about chen chen is that he always comes to devour. my favorite works from him are "self-portrait as so much potential" and "song of the anti-sisyphus." you have to put on your thinking cap for some of his poems, but once you grasp the meaning, everything makes sense all at once.

franny choi: "disaster means without a star" was the entire inspiration behind my first rin fic. i relate to her more personally in regards to the diaspora experience, but her collections are worth reading in general because of the sheer quality.

pages matam: his poem "piñata" was what got me into slam poetry. his work mostly consists of political commentary which i feel is particularly relevant in today's social climate. "on learning america's english" also resonates with people who have encountered the entire losing/learning immigrant tongues experience.

laura lamb brown-lavolie: i've only read one spoken word poem from her, and tbh i only needed to read one. "on this the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the titanic, we reconsider the buoyancy of the human heart" is my two-headed calf poem. one day i will get this tattooed.

brendan constantine: once again, this was the result of me being chronically online coupled with the boredom of an august heat wave. i found "the opposites game" through TED. honestly, i was a bit unsure about it at first, but it's a cute little poem that makes you really delve into the intricacies of craft.

TEEN POETRY & PROSE

yasmeen khan: she could mouth her words onto every square inch of my body, and i would still be coming back for more. ingraining them into flesh is not enough. "movie stars" is by far my favorite work from her. she writes about femininity and womanhood so profoundly. it's tragic, but really i wouldn't have it end any other way.

kaya dierks: her writing is basically middle-of-nowhere small town stoner teenage life but personified. "crushed" is my favorite piece from her. the soundtrack for this work was definitely by ethel cain, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

FICTION

madeline miller: i was first introduced to her when i read the song of achilles. let's just say that book had me nonverbal for the greater half of three months. it was my metaphorical hatchet. i buried it once, and i never want to dig it up again. i read circe a few years later. the first time was during the blue hour at an airport, right between one red-eye flight and another transfer. i don't even remember that experience because i was heavily sleep-deprived. i read it again recently for a literature course, this time for academic analysis. overall, i enjoy the the heroine-centric narrative. typically, i'm a bit wary of novels with heavy feminist themes because they either project their agenda too strongly or they run the risk of misrepresentation. circe doesn't exactly have that problem. it was more about empowerment and less about exercising power over others.

charlotte brontë: as a historical figure, brontë was questionable, but jane eyre most certainly was not. that book rewired my brain, and that is saying something because i have never read any classic by choice. and it is so important to me that jane was the ugliest, plainest girl you could ever imagine. also cus i unironically enjoy angst, and this book was full of dramatic misunderstandings.

yoko ogawa: i love japanese literature, so there is no reason not to include this one here. "a peddler of tears" is one of my favorite short stories. i did not expect the ending at all, but it was welcome. something about violence, body gore, and dismemberment being framed as romantic and semi-erotic just gets to me. sign me the hell up. hotel iris is a hit-or-miss with some people. either you like the fact that art makes you uncomfortable or you shut it down completely. for me, i was alright with exploring some of its darker themes, but read at your own discretion.

NONFICTION

ross gay: he lives up to his name both in optimism and in carefree joy. probably one of my favorite creative nonfiction authors simply based off the accessibility of his writing style. easy to read and understand but still hits you with the full force of a semi-truck. i would recommend his book inciting joy. it's a collection of essays that delve into grief, but since this is ross gay, he makes it seem like a quintessential part of life.

paul kalanithi: sixteen-year-old me was mind blown by him cus before that doctors were shrewish old men with bald spots and sterile coats, not poetic surgeons who dissected the anatomy of word and recited t.s. eliot in the most heart-wrenching way possible. he is everything i want to become in both life and death. when breath becomes air literally does take your breath away.

[denkilightning]

i would love a quiet realization for jay rather than a big one. like something subtle. maybe a distracted ras telling jay to go find something in the ninja's quarters, and when he goes there he comes across something small, like nya's side of the pendant and realizing it matches with his. Or another small yellow pin that he goes with the one he used to have.

And when it starts coming together in his mind slowly, he looks back to ras, whos talking normally with cinder or jordana about something. jays whole world falling apart and no one notices.

cinder might clap him on the back, asking if he wants to go for a drink. Jay shrugs him off. And later maybe, in the dead of night, when Cinder offers Jay a drink in his room -

"What would you do?" Jay taps his pen against the mirror, "if you find out everything was a lie?"

"Find a way to un-find out, probably," Cinder takes a drag of his cigarette. "There is nothing better than ignorance in this world."

got kind of fic-y but still.. just the quiet turmoil going on inside jays head in the middle of a battle when ras slips up and says something he shouldn't have, when something matches up a little too well and the battle wages around him, people fighting - and jay just standing there. Feeling sick.

Maybe he won't even try to find out more. Maybe he'll concoct his own delusion, his own world to escape the horror of his reality. So deep in denial that nothing can break him out of his fantasy realm.

The other wolf mask warriors will say it's a waste, probably. that such a pretty face - jay's face, a face made of all sharp edges and porcelain and looking like he was wielded with deadly precision - is bestowed upon a person who's fucked in the head.

It won't matter to cinder, though. He just prefers Jay that way.

HE WOULDVE MADE SUCH A LOVELY BRIDE WHAT A SHAME HES FUCKED IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!

cant believe taylor wrote champagne problems about jay walker actually

but yes yes yes, id love for it to be a slow realisation.

i actually like an interpretation where walker knows he used to be a ninja, even before the tournament.

Thats why he resents nya and the others. And one thing about jay is that hes an excellent liar when he wants to be.

jay knows that used to be his family and he sees them with new kids, going on walks hand in hand with new people, and all he can think about is the wounds he suffered from after running away from admin. because in all this loving, powerful family, after half a decade none of them searched for him. none of them found him and none of them saved him.

he was alone, without even a ghost of himself, planning his way out of the realm of madness, running from the entire world that wanted to kill him until ras saved him.

i think he slowly pieced it together. a post online here, a person at admin talking about a blue ninja there, an archived photo from a pre merge magazine.

none of it brought any memories back. not a dream, not a feeling of recognition.

no memories dont stop the cold anger when ras slips up. knowing ras is lying to him in his face. no dreams of them dont stop him from laying awake at night, tracing his scars and tattoos and wondering which one of them patched them up. no recognition doesnt stop him from fury when seeing them for the first time.

but yes i believe hes very fucked in the head and most of the wolves think of him as the crazy one of ras entourage. the mastermind behind ras, someone you can trust to plan extremely well and someone you do not want to piss off unless you have a death wish.

and yes i think cinder loves all sides of walker - the cold and calculating, the white hot rage, the shaky confusion. he enjoys all of him. simple as that.

and gods thank you for "there is nothing better than ignorance in this world". such a good quote for cinder characterisation.

but also the mental image of jays world falling apart around him and no one noticing - spectacular and i hate how vividly i can relate

[transsexual-dandelions]

Weekly tag Wednesday !!

Thank you Kat @mybrainismelted for the tag :D

Name: Dean :D

Age: 18 :)

Location: Maryland

top sheet, yes or no?: nah, don’t care, I got better blankets to use even in the summer

how many stuffed animals do you own?: a shit ton, there’s a gap between my bed and the wall so I just line them up there to fill in the space, plus they make great pillows. Some I can live without, some are dying with me. Id estimate 20 or more?

the names of your pets (and the explanations behind them): if we’re doing just my pets, starting with alive, I have a black cat named Salem we adopted in October so we tried to give her a spooky name. Her name before that was like princess starshine or something? And now to dead ones, I had a cat named sox, bc her fur pattern made it look like she was wearing socks and I thought it was cute. When I was a kid I had a white rabbit whom I named snowball for obvious reasons, before her was a rabbit named furball, don’t remember how I got to that. Other honorable mentions I would not be able to explain: Bailey (dog), mr. jingles (cat), 8 ball (dog), Roxy (dog), Shelby (dog)

favorite color: yellow, which was also my assigned color as a kid, and what people always associate with me

Any tattoos? No, but i plan on some!!

how you transport your belongings (purse, tote, hands, pockets, etc.): depends on where I’m going and what I’m doing but usually pockets, the jacket I always wear has SO many pockets and can hold so many things perfectly and easily. If I’m going out on a day trip I have a small backpack I’ll use, especially for stuff that won’t fit in my jacket pockets (water bottle, extra meds, etc)

the last movie you watched: me and my friend started the perks of being a wallflower the other week except I fell asleep 20 minutes in. Otherwise I’ve been watching psych which has movies

how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: getting ready itself is a 10 minute affair, waking up takes an hours worth of alarms

favorite weather: anything hot, if it’s below 75F I’m cold, and I prefer it to be 85-95. It’s 91F and I had to fix the pool and I’m living my best life. I love a good summer rainstorm too

relationship status: single but there is a guy I like :)))

ice cream flavor of choice: cotton candy, cake batter, coffee, mint chocolate chip, vanilla

first fandom: Harry Potter

how many books have you read this year?: I don’t think I’ve finished a book but I’ve started some? Most were for ap lit which sucked, “the road” I hate you !! Started “the night stages” by Jane urquhart before school got in the way as it always does. Maybe once my brainrot dies down I’ll read more books.

first 4 words of your last notes app entry: it’s a drawing of me showing different cursive Cyrillic letters to explain why I’m struggling (specifically, cursive о and д )

and finally, if you had to change your URL tomorrow, what would you change it to?: I have absolutely no idea. I used to change my url to have it match whatever fandom I was into but I was moving between them a lot it got hectic so I wanted something not associated with anything. I have a supernatural backup saved, so either that or dandelions-from-Dean, or something else flower related

Tagging !!

@especially-fuk-u @spookygingerr @mickittotheman @jademickian @atthedugouts

@sleepyheadgallavich @mickeym4ndy @em-harlsnow @thirstyvampyr @roryonic @jrooc

@iangallagherisadeadman @iansw0rld @lee-ow @deathclassic @mmmichyyy

@burninface @heymacy @thepupperino @softmick

[painthropologist]

Pain, in the words of the author, part 1

This blog post contains graphic photos of hook suspensions. Please proceed with caution if you are squeamish!

It would be amiss to discuss my work on pain without providing my motivations behind doing so. This is an autobiographical account of my relationship with pain and how it has shaped my understanding of the world and myself. It is a diary entry of sorts, that allows you a glimpse into my personal world, and will hopefully give you an understanding of pain that varies from standard pain narratives as deviant or otherwise “sick”. I invite you into my world in the hopes that readers who have a personal relationship with pain feel less alone, as pain is an isolating experience, and to show the curious that pain is something that is beyond what standard narratives revile.

I began my journey with aesthetic body modifications two decades ago, bar the simple earlobe piercings my mother cajoled me into getting at the age of six. I began with a nostril piercing, done while I was underage at a mall in Singapore with a piercing gun. Looking back at this highly inadvisable decision, I wince, but it was the beginning of something so much bigger. Ever since I was a young child, I had a fascination with body modifications like tattoos and piercings, and it came as no surprise (but with plenty of disappointment) to my parents and teachers that by the time I was 18, I had amassed several piercings and a couple of tattoos, done by practitioners who turned a blind eye to my lack of ID. Some of these piercings I still have today, including my tongue, first nostril, upper lip, and several ear piercings. Needless to say, the tattoos are still there, albeit in need of some touching up. 

One of the main topics of this blog, hook suspensions, was something that I did not try until my 20th birthday. Growing up in the multicultural society of Singapore, it was a yearly occurrence to watch the Hindu Thaipusam ceremony, whereby devotees of Murugan pierce their bodies with multiple long skewers and needles to carry a kavadi, a heavy ornamental structure, which they carry while dancing in a trance from temple to temple. Despite being Chinese, I developed a fascination with Thaipusam almost immediately, marvelling at how devotees could perform such a feat under what I imagined to be excruciating pain. 

At the age of 13, I discovered the online forum BMEzine, a website dedicated to body modifications of all sorts. However, my curiosity and lack of parental Internet supervision led me to the “extreme” sections of the website, which hosted hundreds of photos of body modifications I didn't know even existed or knew to be possible. There were split tongues and penises, tattooed eyeballs, enormous stretched piercings, and of course, hook suspensions.

My first reaction to seeing the hook suspension gallery was immediate revulsion. I felt nauseous and confused. I asked the same question I get from every lay person outside of the heavy body modification scene I get today when I explain my enthusiasm for hook suspensions: why? It was more than the pain that shocked me. Thaipusam was one thing, but in comparison to the thick hooks rammed into the skin and flying bodies I saw on the Internet, it seemed tame. I had no idea that skin could even do that. I closed the browser and did not open that section of BMEzine again for several years.

On the cusp of my 20th birthday, I was discussing with a few friends from university what I should do as a rite of passage from my teens. It was unanimously decided that it had to be something body modification related. By this stage I was relatively heavily pierced (by “normal people” standards, anyway), and had amassed a few tattoos of varying size and quality. As much as I loved piercings and tattoos, they seemed passe. I needed to go bigger. Then, one of my friends made a bold statement. “Hey, have you ever seen those people who hang from the ceiling from hooks?” 

My memory immediately flashed back to 13 year old me sitting at the family computer dry heaving with horror. This time, however, I was intrigued. I knew my piercer and world-renowned body modification artist in Sydney, Australia, was also a hook facilitator, but the question was whether I was ready for hooks. I went home that night after the pub and brought up BMEzine again. This time, I was ready. The next day, I booked in with my piercer, and raised funds for the suspension by walking around the pub with an upturned hat and asking strangers for loose change to crowdfund the experience. After being asked what I was planning on doing with the money, almost everyone I spoke to threw a dollar or two into the hat, calling me (as Australians do) “batshit insane”. 

I recently found the video from my first suspension, that chronicled every step from marking up my back for a two-point (formerly known in suspension circles as a “suicide”) suspension to my first step into flight and the aftermath. Looking back at 20 year old me, some five suspensions and counting later, was bittersweet. Watching my face go from stern concentration and apprehension as I tottered back and forth uncertainly on tiptoes as my piercer gently swayed the rope I was attached to, to the combination of shock and glee as my feet left the floor of the tattoo parlour that night was an experience that was remarkable to see years later. There's something indescribably special about your first flight, no matter how many suspensions you do later down the line. It was baby's first suspension, and it would not be my last.

I took a three year hiatus from suspensions after that first one, mostly for financial reasons, but also because I didn't know after that initial flight whether I was ready for another one. It had been an overwhelmingly positive experience, but it wasn't until 2015, when I was planning my second visit to Norway, where I decided to get in touch with Wings of Desire (now disbanded), some of whose members were part of the legendary Pain Solution performance group, whom I'd idolised online since I was a teenager. It was a meeting that would change my life; almost ten years later, I am privileged to call my facilitators from that suspension, Alan Bellardinelli and June Bonsaksen (now co-founders of the Church of Pain/Smertekirken; more on that later) good friends. I had followed the exploits of the annual Oslo Suscon for several years by this stage, and while I was unable to make it to the event itself, I was determined to hang with Wings of Desire.

I organised the details and payment of the private suspension by email with June, and we agreed that I would do a lotus suspension. Sitting in lotus position on a piercing table, Alan, the head facilitator that day, walked me through what to expect. We settled on ten hooks (a significant jump from my previous two hooks), marked me up, and was pierced in tandem by Alan and another WoD member, Siv. After a lot of heavy breathing, nearly fainting from a combination of jetlag and low blood pressure and sugar, I felt my skin go taut and the table I'd been sitting on slide out from beneath me. That was it, I was flying again, and I knew for certain from that moment on that hooks would play a huge part in my life. Later that year, I flew back to Norway for a WoD Suspension Sunday event, which was hosted monthly at Blitz. However, unknown to me, it would be five years until my next suspension. From 2020, my relationship to pain in the form of suspensions would change entirely from a mode of thrill-seeking to a spiritual, embodied context that would eventually lead to this research project several years later.

This short summary of my relationship to pain over my early life hopefully provides some context for the passion that motivates my research. In the next post, I will discuss my relationship with hook suspension as a ritual practice, from my 2020 and 2024 rituals and eventual membership with the Church of Pain. You can read my field notes from my 2024 summer ritual here.

[hypnostouched]

i forever have dnd brainrot so,,, aftg dnd vibes

Neil is, of course, a rogue. lock picking, quick, lying sneaky lil bastard. In particular I would make him a Mastermind rogue as it comes with disguise profienecy , boosts so lying and vibes of a manipulator. I'd also build him into a wood elf - for the mechanical speed and hide buffs; but id flavour him as a half elf. The Hatford family would be elven and Mary is the one who trained Neil to hide and run. Other than some small things, he would look almost identical to his human father.

Now the Ravens in dnd, to me, are a Paladin order that is a lot more of a defined cult. They'd be a mix of Oath of Glory Paladins (one of their channel divinities is literally called Peerless Athlete) and Oath of Conquest Paladins (Kevin was Glory, Riko is Conquest) Paladins are physical builds with good Charisma and you can think whatever you like about the Ravens, they are charismatic (also to note, intimidation is a charisma skill in dnd)

now Oathbreaker has a very specific vibe but what I will focus on is the feeling of emptiness and darkness that come with it. Kevin is an oathbreaker when he leaves the Ravens, but he won't remain as one indefinitely. He would retake his Oath of Glory when it could mean something different to him (which would align with canon Kevin gtting his new tattoo). For him, being an Oathbreaker is connected to his fear and depression rather than any form of evil (High CHA Kevin is so funny to me bc its canon and i love a CHA build who generally doesnt seem charismatic until they turn it on) Kevin is a high elf seemingly in every way. He took after his mother almost entirely.

As said, Riko is a Conquest Paladin - I would also consider giving him a few levels in Shadow Sorcerer; as something he just is inherently rather than something he's trained to be like Paladin. Riko is also a half elf; most of the Moriyama family are High Elves but his mother was human. Riko can't claim that his family doesnt like him because of this, because Ichirou is also a half elf.

Returning to the foxes--

Andrew is a fighter. Human fighter, a v basic build lmao. he is a champion fighter; he's just a fucking threat.

Nicky is absolutely a bard (glamour). I would love to pitch Nicky as a Satyr because of their interest in freedom, revelry and enjoyment.

(can i just say its so hard to do dnd thoughts when so many characters are related and youre autistic so you have to factor all of that in)

Renee is a Barbarian/Cleric multiclass in the way that she used to be a barbarian and now mostly ignores those abilities to focus on her cleric shit. Light domain cleric. Also she is an air genasi and the colours in her hair are natural and look like the colours of sunset or sunrise on clouds

Dan is also a human fighter but she's a banneret fighter; which has a focus on inspiring allies. Still a threat, just also an inspirational one.

Aaron is a ranger; gloomstalker as he lurks around a lot. Mechanically he wouldn't be as high a level as Andrew. Neil is his favoured enemy.

Matt is a sun soul monk, taught to him by his mother. Bright and also quite scary when he's trying to kill you.

Allison is a bard/fighter multiclass. Similar to Renee, her Bard levels come from before her life with the foxes but she doesn't ignore them like Renee does. Eloquence Bard, champion fighter

[preciadosbass]

28/8/24 [3x DIYS // key + significant photos at end]

woke up at almost exactly 9 and went to check on boris via the camera but he wasn’t there, so i assumed that he must be on my guitar amp. my phone was still powered off due to the burn in so i sat on my parents bed for a while and watched tv before getting dressed at 9:30-40. because i’ve run out of shirts to wear, i decided that i’m going to wear my shirts in the order that i originally did when i arrived, so today was my sleeping with sirens shirt.

along with black ripped skinny jeans, two studded belts - one blue-ish purple one silver, knee high converse, my chemical romance band bracelet, a three row studded blue and black cuff, a spiked kandi cuff, diy can tab bracelet, blue skull bracelet [i know the skull has significance i just forgot what it’s from dont come for me], a single row studded cuff, a long purple spiked bracelet, a kandi single, and a string threaded blue bracelet. plus two necklaces, one with kellin quinn on a bottlecap and the other a surfboard shaped wood carved necklace. [photo at end]

i finished getting ready a little before 10 and arrived at breakfast at 10:10 after packing my bag, brushing my hair, putting eyeliner on, etc. my parents had once again already gone to breakfast far earlier than me so they’d practically already finished their meal. i had some cereal and looked through some more pictures of boris after while tormenting my dad with them. it’s because he dribbles when he’s happy and my dad thinks it’s gross. at 10:35, we left breakfast to go and collect my shark from yesterday afternoon.

he had been carefully placed into a paper bag and lined up with the other participants clay pieces on a pouffet. we picked him up and brought him back to the chalet, seeing a cranefly on the way. [photo at end cuz i love insects] i stayed in the room up until 11:20 while scrolling through HMV’s in the area, their contents, etc. hopefully i’ll be able to go to one tomorrow when we go into town. at 11:20 me and my parents headed down to the arts and crafts buildings to see if i could squeeze in a plan pot painting session.

i managed to get in and sat on a secluded table with my parents. i already had an idea to draw pete wentz’s iconic tattoo when it was first mentioned to me, so i sketched the tattoo and coloured it in with metallic purple [it was the closest to black]. then my dad had an idea for me to create a circle around it and then paint in the rest of the paint pot around the circle. i couldn’t think of anything else to do with it so he used a pencil to mark a circle into the pot and i painted around it.

i finished that decently quickly as it wasn’t anything fiddly. i had planned to leave the plant pot at the building and come back at another session just to plant the plant/flower so the paint wouldn’t smudge, but staff said that i can do it now and i didn’t know how to say no — so i did. i carefully put the soil in and the staff member sprayed it with water. we then left for the chalet again at just before 12:20. the circle didn’t turn out perfect, neither did the drawing of the tattoo, but i think it’s close enough.

i took a picture of the plant pot for this journal [photo at end] and left just -10 minutes later to see if i could get into another clay coaster making arts and crafts session. fortunately, i could, so i got myself a table with my mum and got up my design of choice on my phone. i chose the pierce the veil symbol as it’s not something too hard, and it’s significant to me. also.. i cant make anything not band related. after id finished covering the coaster with black clay, i put on the pre-made ptv logo and secured it by pressing down on the design. afterwards, i noticed that i had enough time to make another so i did but this time with the sleeping with sirens logo. so now i’d have a frank iero coaster, a pierce the veil coaster, and a sleeping with sirens coaster.

plus the other two random ones i made on saturday. i struggled a bit with the line across the w because i couldn’t decided whether it looked like the logo or not, but i settled on leaving it as it is. i finished at 12:40 and walked back to our room to journal for a while. at 2:20, we all [me, my parents and my sister] went over to the arcade to get round to the fair. but as we were in the arcade, my sister just had to play that minecraft game again, so i played with her. and i lived longer whahahahahaa — after we’d played a game together, she reluctantly followed us outside to the fair. we all queued up shortly for a mexican hat ride.

i sat with my dad in a red cart and was squishing him the entire time. he was sarcastically smiling and speaking about how much he was enjoying it because of the spinny-ness and me crushing him. afterwards we went over to the queue of that ‘back to back arm intertwining’ ride. we got into the queue but then my sister started talking about how she wanted to go swimming and i realised my dad was standing outside of the queue. he said he didn’t want to go on, so we exited the queue and went back through the arcade. me and my sister had another game of the minecraft game. once we’d finished the round, my sister started another and played by herself.

once she was done, we went back to the chalet at 3:30 and i looked through ebay to see if i could find a particular tarantula plushie. i found it, but it wasn’t second hand so it was really expensive and the colours were different. i then just scrolled and journaled on and off until 6 when i went to dinner. i meant to go skating across the beach but i didn’t end up doing so as me and my dad didn’t know when my mum and sister would get back from swimming. me and my parents spoke about stories of me and my sister at dinner and how we’d used to act/the unhinged things we did. i left early and got to the room at 6:40.

i was supposed to be having a nap, but i started collected receipts/things i’d found around/confetti/other random stuff for an upcoming collage. by the time i’d done that, which mind you - it barely took any time, my parents got back and we needed to leave for another show straight away. i decided to come so i could get out of the chalet/journal and/or collage with some live backround music. the tribute is for robbie williams, so not my type of music whatsoever, but like i said i just really came because i could. the show started at 7 and i started setting out how i wanted each bit of the collage to be set out. i finished about ten minutes later because i kept on changing the setup. i once again, will be updating this post and adding a picture of the collage once i’m back home so i don’t expose my location.

afterwards, i journaled and saved pete wentz gifs. in one of the songs, all of the singers/dancers changed into a different outfit and it was exactly my chemical romance’s black parade outfits, just in red. it was kinda crazy. somewhere between 7-9 the show ended and me, my sister and my parents headed to the largest venue for a queen tribute show. we all got ourselves some seats around halfway down all of the rows of chairs and while i waited i asked my parents to name a musician i like, then i’d show them photos of the person. my mum said pete as ive shown her him before and she found him attractive lmaoo, she dosent like his hair now though so boo — my mum and sister then went off so my sister could skate, and i scrolled on my pinterest feed as my dad watched.

i honestly get the weirdest adverts so it was pretty entertaining for him. the show started at approximately 9:30 and my dad was immediately drawn to the guitarist, but i didn’t really see why. maybe it’s because he’s more into rock music rather than whatever i listen to and he’s hearing something i’m not. i went round the front and awkwardly took a few pictures for this journal. [photos at end] i sat and watched through most of the show - he came up right next to us and stood on a chair and there was a lot of singalongs, but i started getting keen on going back to the room. if that was me a year ago when i had my week long queen phase, i would never.

my sister came back with me but she wanted my mum to follow. my mum wasn’t happy that she was missing the show, but once we got to the room and had been settling for not even two minutes, my dad shows up on the door saying the show had finished. i got into my bed and journaled up until [probably, i don’t have times from this point] 12:40 when i had a tiny nap as my sister got to sleep. once waking up, i asked my parents questions about boris and went to sleep at around 1:20-30.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, questions about boris/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he's okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i'm hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.

have a good day/night O_o

[gothgengargirl]

Sealed With A Kiss

“Present for inspection”

My body went on autopilot. Skirt up, legs splayed. Mistress passed her barcode reader over my tattooed ID, and the chirp of confirmation was enough to make me quiver. It meant I belonged.

“651814. Good. I recognized you, you know. You’re coming along very nicely.” Mistress returned to her seat, and gestured politely for me to be seated as well. I obeyed, of course.

I was coming along nicely. It was easy to lose track of how long I had been in FemCorp training. In an intensive induction program like mine, we weren’t allowed to have things like calendars. Still, I had rotated through five positions within the company by this point. Now I was working in the Records Department. I liked Records. It was quiet, and I could alone time with my new thoughts. I could slip away and touch myself for a few minutes or a few hours, and if any of my supervisors noticed, they didn’t care as long as the work got done.

But there was a schedule, and physical configuration was part of it. My favorite part of it. Today I was supposed to have an hour with the Auto-Bra, to help my tits reach their full potential. I really like the Auto-Bra. But instead, I was in Mistress’ office. I had only been here one or two times before, and never instead of a scheduled treatment.

“I can see on your face that you’re confused, sweet thing. Permission to speak”

“Thank you, Mistress. I was wondering… why am I here?” I swallowed. “Am I in trouble?”

“Oh no, sweet thing. You’re not in trouble. The opposite, in fact.” My cheeks flushed. Mistress was happy with me! I loved to make her happy. It made me wet. “I need your assistance. Now stand.”

I did as I was told, and Mistress stood up and came around the desk to stand next to me. Was she always this much taller than I was? She grabbed my chin in her hand and rotated my head. We made eye contact. Those grey eyes seemed to stare right into my soul.

“We’re going to be testing some experimental treatments together,” she said, barely above a whisper. Then, without warning, she kissed me. Forcefully at first, and then becoming gentle, soothing. I opened my mouth to gasp from the sensation and she took advantage of the gap, ramming her tongue into my mouth. My eyes fluttered as I lost myself in the moment, moaning slightly. I had never been kissed like this. Even without the programming, even without the reconfigurations, this was the kind of kiss that would change my life.

And then there was a sharp sensation. A stinging, like an aerosol spray, straight into my throat. I stepped back, reflexively, and Mistress let me break contact. The stinging in my throat subsided and was replaced by a gentle throb, like a massage. I could taste… cotton candy?

“Mistress, what… what was that?”

She licked her lips, and I could see a glint of silver. Was her tongue always metallic?

“It’s a gene gun. Experimental feminization delivery system. Something that the girls in R&D worked up. Delivers a stream of nanites into the body, each equipped with CRISPR/CAS9 proteins. They’ll target the genes related to hormone levels, receptors, tissue development.”

“You… you’re changing my DNA to make me more of a girl?”

“Yes!” Mistress was positively beaming, seeing how I was following along. I liked to be smart for Mistress. At least some of the time.

“When the treatment is finished, you will be perfectly female, inside and out. Of course, it will take more doses in order to ensure that this all works. You’re being transferred to R&D, effective immediately, in order to assist them with other projects while they monitor your progress with the gene gun technique.”

I realized that I was drooling a little. Was that a side effect of the nanite spray, or just because Mistress was so excited? “M…more doses?”

“But of course, pet! The current regimen calls for treatment every twelve hours, delivered to four key points in the body each time.”

I didn’t ask where those other key points were. I had a feeling. Mistress glanced down over me, looking over FemCorp’s good work. Her eyes lingered on my tits and on my bulge, which was now visibly straining the short skirt of my Records uniform. I twitched.

“Now strip. That’s a good girl.”

As I was taking my clothes off, trembling with anticipation, I heard Mistress mutter something under her breath.

“When you love your job, you never work a day in your life.”

[gorgynei]

hey! i saw your transmasc werewolf tattoo concept on my dash and i love the style of it! i checked out your neocities and really enjoyed your page on werewolf as a gender identity, i definitely feel similarly in identifying with wolves in a gender way and have also been playing around with the idea of getting some tattoos relating to it.

i wouldn't be able to right now, but sometime in the future do you think you'd ever be open to doing a tattoo design commission? the more simplified style and sharp black and red of that art is exactly what i've been imagining and if you'd be down it would be amazing to get a design from you at some point!

hi, sure! tattoo designs/flash sheets are something ive been considering for a while, so id definitely be open to that once i open comms* :) plus, werewolf tattoos in that style are just fun for me to design. thanks for compliments and interest!!

*which will be sometime in the new future. maybe

[khrysalisposting]

thinking abt getting a wiz tattoo for my 20th bday, but idk if id want the death casting symbol or smth khrysalis-related (which is the hard part cuz there’s so many aspects of the world i love). both mean sm to me, this silly game has been a constant in my life for almost 14 yrs ;-;

[jokerislandgirl32]

Do you have any personal design headcanons for Zach that differs from canon in anyway? Or is it pretty much just the canon design. Id love to hear whatever you come up with :)

Hiiii!!!! Thank you so much for this ask! Zach headcanons my beloved!

In general my design headcanons for Zach are very close to the canon designs, but I do have some headcanons that add to these designs or alter them. And admittedly, I am pulling some of these from a general Zach headcanon post I made a while back, it can be found here!

Most of the physical headcanons have not changed, but I am going to add to them and revamp them a bit 😊! Putting below the cut because it’s long! Some of the headcanons, as you’ll see, are exclusive to my Wild Violet AU!

Please note there is a mildly suggestive reference about his body hair, mentions of a near death experience, explosions, drinking, near drowning, CPR, scars, tattoos, and needles! There is also a shirtless image!

Freckles: When Zach exposes himself to prolonged sunlight his freckles from childhood come out again, and not just on his face. I feel like he is the type of person who has freckles on his face, arms, back, and chest. But he does not like that, so he stays out of the sun for this reason. 

Body/Facial Hair: Zach is more than capable of growing a full beard, and he has body hair elsewhere, but he either shaves or gets laser removal for the additional hair on his body. Zach is very neat and orderly, so he does not like to have an excessive amount of hair aggravating him. Managing the hair on his head on a daily basis is nearly too much for him.

He likes his triangular goatee though, so he keeps that on his face. When Zach doesn’t shave or laser remove the excess hair, his body hair is straight and jet black, and he feels like this looks odd with his skin tone, giving him more motivation to remove it. Oh, and the Zachbots or Violet do this for him more often than not. Maybe this is a bit tmi, but this guy likes to keep things neat and tidy below the belt… his goatee is not the only triangular patch of body hair he’s got 😆. I am so so so sorry….Oh, he also has a happy trail, okay, okay, I’m done now 😂.

In my Wild Violet AU, once Zach becomes a father (at some point after the twins or Victoria is born) he does allow his facial hair to grow into a beard. He is very particular about how his beard looks, and it is ALWAYS neatly trimmed and well groomed. 

Hair: Zach’s hair is naturally jet black and wavy. He uses hair gel to keep it tamed and slick. If he does not tame it after it gets wet it starts to become wavy. So Zach has to immediately comb his hair after getting out of the shower or getting it wet and put the gel in it, lest he end up with unruly locks.

As for that stray piece of hair on his forehead, that piece of hair is the one piece that refuses to be tamed. Zach starts his days with that piece pulled over to the side along with the rest of his hair, but within an hour it’s fallen astray. Zach used to get annoyed by it, but he’s come to accept it as fate. 

Oh and even though we have not seen it since the pilot, Zach has a widow’s peak, I’m feral over widow’s peaks so yes, Zach has one.

Eyes: Zach’s eye color changes depending on his emotions and the environment he is in. His eyes range from emerald to an electric green. If Zach is emotionally charged (angry, agitated, anxious, jealous) his eye color darkens. When he is calm, happy, or excited his eye color lightens. Similarly, when Zach is in brighter environments or lighting his eyes become lighter in color, or if he is in darker environments, or greener environments, his eyes become darker in color. 

Zach also has vision issues that result in him needing glasses, specifically for distance. Zach is very vain and hates to wear glasses, but he is too afraid to get vision corrective surgery or wear contacts, so as he ages and when he’s certain no one sees him, he wears glasses. I feel like he opts for rectangular lenses, but in my Wild Violet AU, Zach actually wore my OC Violet’s father’s glasses for a long time before he got frames and lenses of his own. Alden Tyler’s vision/needed prescription was identical to Zach’s. So…Zach wore glasses like this for a while: 

I like to imagine he walked around college for a year with these glasses before he went and got his own pair. And he only got his own glasses after 13-year-old Violet convinced him to do so 😂.

And I believe Zach has the bags and shadows under his eyes that we see in canon, even as Zach changes for the better in my AU, years of neglecting his health left a toll on his body, and his eyes will always bear this burden.

Tattoos/Scars: This is exclusive to my Wild Violet AU, but Zach has 2 tattoos and some scars. Even though Zach’s deathly afraid of needles, he bucks up his courage and gets 2 matching tattoos with Violet. One is an interlocking black Z and purple V on his inner right bicep, and the other is Alexandria’s initials and hand and footprint on his left shoulder. Violet has the same tattoos on the opposite arm and shoulder, so when they are standing together the tattoos are right beside each other. 

Zach has a few scars on his body. He has one scar on his lower back from a fall at summer camp that nearly resulted in him drowning. Violet saved him, gave him CPR, and tended to the wound, but the scar never leaves him. Zach has a scar on the left side of his neck and on the left side of his chest from an explosion in the chemistry lab at his high school prior to his graduation. This may or may not have been the result of a drunken and emotionally unstable teenage Zachary 😢. 

Body/Build: In my AU Zach’s built a bit differently. He’s still very skeleton like, but he has some muscle tone. He has small, yet obvious biceps. He has pecs and abs that, while not fantastic, are well formed. He does have a bit of a pudge to his belly, but in combination with his abs/pecs it blends well. I also think Zach’s legs are thin and toned. And his hands, Zach definitely has veins that are noticeable on his hands, why? Because I have a thing about visible veins in hands 😂. I imagine his body type is very similar to this, just with some more belly:

Feet: Zach definitely has that extra toe Aviva mentioned, I don’t care if we’ve seen animation to prove otherwise. The man has six toes on his left foot. The additional toe is called his “extra pinky toe.” Not related, but his twins Victor and Vallen inherit this extra toe. Zach nearly causes Violet to have a heart attack after their birth because she was still hyped up on the meds and forgot he had an extra toe as well. 

These are not exactly physical headcanons, but they relate to his appearance, so I’m throwing them in here as well. And you….you Eli, have caused some of these, it’s all your fault….but thank you 😂 

Clothing: Although we don’t see it in the show Zach always wears a belt with his pants, in the show he covers his belt, but I love to think he actually tucks his sweater in and has the belt showing. It’s a black belt as you’ve drawn him in, and it’s oh so stylish. 

Jewelry: I feel like he’s the type of man that wears a watch. He either has a silver watch or a black watch of some type. I don’t think it’s all that fancy, I feel like it’s solely for functionality and not style, and he perhaps has designed his own watch to serve his needs. So, it’s got his signature Z or V logo somewhere and his preferred color scheme. Since I headcanon Zach as ambidextrous, I feel like he will switch his watch to whichever hand he is not predominantly using in a given moment or day. 

In my AU, Zach does wear a wedding ring on his ring finger once he and Violet get married, the wedding band is also one he has fashioned himself and it’s silver colored. 

Zach Vibes 😍, image link