#i. am struggling emotionally and with a class and with motivation and i guess im also underwhelmed

[thecherrygod]

i am. making a mistake

[archiefm]

         ... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...

DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )

shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....

finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long  so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve

grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa

very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism. 

if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn

he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.

from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog). 

his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.

his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess

hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway

as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right 

his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way

had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.

he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.

during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.

he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.

he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.

u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone

not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.

takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.

 in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life

works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee

lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond

fan of karl marx. v big on socialism

insomniac with chronic nosebleeds

cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter

always confused or annoyed

statistics

basic information

full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan nickname(s): finn age: 25 astrological sign: aries hometown: derry, ireland occupation: phd student / former street entertainer fatal flaw: cynicism positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal. negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.

physical

colouring: medium hair colour: dark brown, almost black eye colour: brown height: 5’9” weight: 69kg build: tall, athletic voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth. dominant hand: left scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion alcohol tolerance: high drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.

psychological

dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.

skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.

likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.

dislikes:  the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning alignment: true neutral mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)

full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)

tw homophobia

born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.

his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.

when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.

by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.

after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily. 

of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.

        if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas

study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet

ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea

friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots

ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up

does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is! 

[littlelovelymemes]

✰  —  —  *  MORE POPULAR TEXT POST STARTERS

‘  when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches  ’ ‘  420 stands for “4got 2 0pologize”  ’ ‘  all millennials do is commit minor felonies and be gay  ’ ‘  hoodies are one of the most powerful and underappreciated articles of clothing. cold? put on a hoodie. raining? put on a hoodie. no bra? put on a hoodie. nothing to wear? hoodie. cripplingly low self esteem? you already know. so versatile! so multifaceted!  ’ ‘  i thought christmas was like… next friday or something its in like 3 days fuck  ’ ‘  if you’re not in love with me by 00:00:00 jan 1 then just block me. i don’t need that kind of energy following me into the new year  ’ ‘  who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying  ’ ‘  my kink is not opening messages and pretending theyre not there  ’ ‘  u know when ur growing out of phases and mindsets but u haven’t found where exactly ur shift in identity is going yet? that’s tonight’s mood  ’ ‘  me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare  ’ ‘  there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you  ’ ‘  god knew what she was doing when she made bruno mars short if he had been tall he would be too powerful  ’ ‘  motivation? haven’t heard of her in years how she doin  ’ ‘  Do you think people with LED headlights know that everyone hates them? Like…really hates them in an oddly personal way? Do you think they know?  ’ ‘  and the final mood for 2017 is: you know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen?  ’ ‘  putting more importance into self care, spirituality, love and peace of mind. start with stretching and deep breathing.  ’ ‘  dont forget to tell someone you love that you love them, thank people who deserve to be thanked, be more patient on people having a hard time, be more considerate, understanding, and be kinder, always.  ’ ‘  do you think in the 1700s there were people who were like nah man Mozart’s a total sellout I only listen to peasants beating things with sticks it’s way more authentic  ’ ‘  2032 is gonna be my year just u wait  ’ ‘  I want a “I made a playlist for you” typa love  ’ ‘  @ 2018 the bar is literally so low  ’ ‘  Just because you don’t look like somebody who you think is attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty, but so are sunsets and they look nothing alike.  ’ ‘  i have a “why am i like this” moment at least five times a day  ’ ‘  very sad to hear about donald trump. nothing happened to him i’m just sad to hear about him  ’ ‘  *me, eyes wide open at 3am* what happened to chandler bing once he got to yemen  ’ ‘  tonight’s mood is the deep desire to be held close in a dimly lit room, covered in blankets while rain is softly falling outside  ’ ‘  do ya ever bring your pet up to a mirror and ur like “that you”  ’ ‘  i guess im just too fucking dumb to lucid dream. cant ever realize im in a dream, i’ll look around me like damn i’m in my old elementary school and my teeth are falling out and im naked? well shit guess this is my life now. got fooled by my subconscious again lads  ’ ‘  u ever get no sleep and the next day ur body functions like the tumblr app  ’ ‘  you ever wonder how many people you’re in the “we’re friends but i would kiss you if you asked” club with  ’ ‘  is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week  ’ ‘  The only thing toxic that you should still be in contact with is that song Britney Spears made, because that song is lit.  ’ ‘  imagine if you named your kid dad. just dad.  ’ ‘  take care of yourself, please. i don’t know what id do if anything happened to you.  ’ ‘ crazy how personal growth can make you let go of people you swore you couldn’t live without.  ’ ‘  im in no position to have high standards but it doesn’t stop me  ’ ‘  you can start over at anytime. your day is not ruined. your world is not over. take a deep breath. start over.  ’ ‘  I’m gonna have a bomb ass life and I know it cause I’ve suffered so much and I know that wasn’t for no reason  ’ ‘  you ever just get in bed and ur like yep this is where i’m meant to be  ’ ‘  an unstoppable force (my love of books) meets an unmovable object (my lack of a desire to actually read anything)  ’ ‘  i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks  ’ ‘  sorry I haven’t replied to ur texts I’ve been overwhelmed by literally anything that’s ever happened or will happen  ’ ‘  me when i see a wild animal in a metropolitan area: reclaim your space, we are the invaders, retake what is yours  ’ ‘  no offense but money would solve literally every single one of my problems. like all of them. i dont have a single problem that money wouldnt immediately solve  ’ ‘  i am not enough and it’s eating me alive  ’ ‘  what do u mean “what have i been up to” … i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch  ’ ‘  always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back.  ’ ‘  The struggle between me wanting to be successful and me wanting to lay in bed 24/7  ’ ‘  If you play “Feeling Myself” by Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé at exactly 11:58:50 pm on New Year’s Eve, Beyoncé will say “World Stop” in 2017 and “Carry On” in 2018.  ’ ‘  Self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta  ’ ‘  you ever just like “wow that’s my voice? people listen to this clown on a daily basis?”  ’ ‘  ravioli ravioli give me a reason to live  ’ ‘  finally worked up the courage to tell the starbucks girl she was beautiful and i only puked twice  ’ ‘  do i wanna know??? no. but thank u monkey friends  ’ ‘  hey this is kinda ns.fw but i wann h*ld your h*nd  ’ ‘  talent: overthinking  ’ ‘  have you ever had that feeling that you really wanna workout to get a flat stomach… but you also just wanna eat pizza and watch netflix.  ’ ‘  if you google eyebrows are you eyebrowsing  ’ ‘  *skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game  ’ ‘  Literally heard a convo at the library where a guy was telling a girl that he’s an omega and the girl telling him that she’s a beta, and my mind just did not automatically connect the context to fraternity pledge classes at all and I just whispered to myself “what the fuck?? What the fuck??”  ’ ‘  my hands? ready to be held  ’ ‘  Catch These Hands! with your hands. we’re holding hands now. this is nice  ’ ‘  kinda weird that u can think about someone as much as u want and they have no idea  ’ ‘  physically, yes, i could fight a bird. but emotionally? imagine the toll  ’ ‘  I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand  ’ ‘  my childhood, or, as i like to call it, the general abyss with one or two memories attached to it   ’ ‘  i know ‘gay’ isn’t an emotion but let’s be real,,,,,,,,,it kind of is and i feel it 24/7  ’ ‘  babe get ready for a night on the town, i just found an old Subway gift card and there’s still $9.45 left on it  ’ ‘  just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to, doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you ever imagined  ’ ‘  i’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day. i’m on both ends of the spectrum  ’ ‘  this year has changed me more than I ever thought it would.   ’ ‘  it’s ok to disappear for a lil while and get your shit together.  ’ ‘  if you wanna love me hmu  ’ ‘  calling me baby makes me so freakin weak  ’ ‘  i’m that one guy on spongebob always screaming about his leg  ’ ‘  remember to drink a fucking shit ton of water every miserable day of ur life  ’ ‘  i just want someone who’s excited to make out with me and text me all the time.  ’ ‘  never apologize for your giant dogs getting overexcited, if i get taken down by a 100 pound mass of fluff then that’s how i go.  ’ ‘  when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches  ’ ‘  THIS GUY JUST ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE SAID SO I SAID 4:45  ’ ‘  my blood is glow stick juice. thats why all my bones crack when i move.  ’ ‘  are cute dates and rough sex too much to ask for  ’ ‘  honestly, my goal in life is just to be a very warm person. i want to be as loving and as kind as i can be.  ’ ‘  just a small dumb bitch…. living in a lonely ditch  ’ ‘  you’re not selfish for wanting to be treated well  ’ ‘  when y'all fake conversations in your heads do you sometimes say random sentences out loud too? i was just tying my shoes and said very sternly and loudly “i DO know how ants work, fucker”  ’ ‘�� true space facts: if u look up there it is  ’ ‘  anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms  ’ ‘  how am i sensitive and a bitch at the same time  ’

[watahbufala]

these questions are from @classesandaspects and are from this post

Aspect questions:

Which aspect(s) are you drawn to?: well im drawn to a few and i thought i should actually explain them. first off im probably drawn twords void allot just cuz i really love the void aesthetic, like big dark rooms, or like dystopian future style dark almost unimaginably big buildings (theres also the fact ive loved all the void players and thought they were rad), im also drawn twords the space aspect of course. space is something i really like in general, like its this huge dark lonely vacuum thats both comforting and makes me not feel so great about life. im also a creative person who tends to have issues with dimensions, and i love to explore things (i do a bit of urban exploration stuff allot) also the colors would look great with most god tier outfits. im drawn to time as well for its connection to mechanical things and death. i mean i think everyones a bit connected to death but im pretty numb to the idea and such. i dont really get to depressed when people i love die cuz i know its their time and everyone has to pass at some point. i also tend to connect with the heart aspect allot cuz it has to do with self image and such (but i think self image has to do allot with space as well). im also kinda drawn twords breath and mind just because i get breath allot on tests and love the pyropes

What drives you? What motivates you?: this is a big question for me. i tend to think that the future and what it holds motivates me but i think its allot deeper than that. i guess i look at the future as what i can become in the future an how i can like...up my skill?? idk. but i tend to think people motivate me, and the thought of getting things done and not having to stress anymore motivates me. first of all i think everyone could use a friend saying "you can do it!" every now and then. i tend to put out my emotions just to get feedback from people telling me that it will all be alright and that they care about me i guess. theres also the whole getting things done thing, i tend to stress out and just avoid doing things allot. like i just tend to procrastinate. i love to just do talk to people on the internet, read a book or just enjoy a story, and just enjoy doing nothing all day. so i mean getting done with things sorta quick motivates me but i also tend to put stuff off ALLOT. another thing that motivates me is me is like, what i can become in the future. like once i get done with all this i can be the artist of my dreams and be good at art and writing all that. i practice to make myself better i guess. my biggest drive for the last year or so (ive kinda been having depressive episodes) is the fact that one day i could write something that will inspire people and i guess make me important? like maybe make the world better for me and other people. i could write something amazing one day and couple it with amazing art. so uh yea. (all these answers are too long jeez)

How do you view the world?: man. this is kinda a deep question for me, i kinda dont think life has much meaning. like i think the point of life has been cemented in reality as like, enjoying it? thats the main goal people have. i think that we were put on the earth to make a better life for the people coming next tho. like create the new generation of the world and such.

Which aspect matches your personality?: man thats a good question. i would say space but im not sure. i think either mind or space. my personality is kinda wierd imo. cuz on the internet i act allot more analytical and in real life i usually do stuff and act random just to make people laugh. id say im like allot different than almost everyone i know, i have different hobbies and interests, have different sense of fashion, have a different music taste, etc etc etc. like i tend to just be different in general. i tend to do weird things just to make people laugh. like ill scream just to have a reaction. i tend to attribute these qualities to mind sorta? i also act very uncaring and unemotional irl, when online i can easily come out with my emotions and tell people how i feel (this is probs cuz i have more confidence online and think my online friends would listen more). i also think i sorta act motherly? maybe not really. i tend to have like a thing where if someone says "hey im gonna do this stupid thing!" ill say "no stop thats stupid" an nag them about it until they wont do that stupid thing. im also sorta protective. like ive been with someone and i was walking across the street and i almost got hit by a car, but i pushed the other person out of the way so i could take the hit and theyd be ok. but i tend to say i act like a space or mind player. possibly a breath player cuz of my uncaring attitude

Class questions:

How do you relate to your aspect?: personally i think my aspect is space, but its kinda hard to answer this question without being sure. and well i sorta look at space as what i want to be and what i am. like im creative, i love to do art stuff, i tend to deal with allot of problems that have to do with distance that can destroy me emotionally and thinking about them can ruin my day at times, and i like science. but across the board i act differently with different types of space. like i think im better than most creatively and have allot of knowledge on the creative process, i think i deal with allot of shit dealing with distance, and i tend to think im not the best at science (not doing the best in school science but i love science as more of a hobby. like not something i have to be good at. just something i enjoy. like i love allot of science youtubers and thinking about what i know of science). so i think im a bit different all across the board. i think i sorta just do whatever i feel like with space, which is usually just using it or learning how to do it better. like i wanna be the guy that does the space and does all the cool shit, but im not sure if i fit that role perfectly. i think im more of an observer that does things when they feel like it. or just someone that really likes space if that makes sense. so i tend to think i sorta feel the good and bad of space, and use it.

What is your role / archetype / character arc?: uh ive been described as the main character but thats not much of an arch. i think i need to kinda improve in skill an knowledge mostly, maybe i need to learn to be myself a bit more and come out about who i am more and stop sorta following others? im not exactly sure what my character arc is. i probably need to learn to be content with who i am, or maybe grow in skill and knowledge like i said before, maybe i need to learn how to grow in skill and knowledge. i think those are the 2 main things that plague me. 

What do you struggle with?: i think i mostly struggle with internal issues, and insecurities. i also worry about whats to come quite a bit. i struggle with putting things off to the last minute allot. but it mostly comes down to the fact that i think im not the best and need to be better. ive gone through a few aspects and i always think "wow im not really good enough at this to be this aspect" i do the same with space but people tell me i fit it super well. i also tend to be quite depressive and lonely at times. i dont leave my house to go see friends too often and i mostly just sit inside and talk to people on the internet (which i find fun) but it gets me down because i feel pretty lonely. ive also moved allot over the course of my life and left allot of people behind (some without even telling them im leaving) and that really gets me down. when i think about that it can sometimes ruin my days. 

Which class matches your personality?: this is a bit tricky, i tend to say knight because of how insecure i am and how i tend to conceal my emotions irl. but i also think im not insecure enough to be a knight (like dave and karkat had DEEEEEEEEEEP issues). i think im more akin to a seer, rogue, or maybe mage. ive been told i act like a seer a few times by friends. i tend to act a bit like terezi, so possibly. i also tend to relate to the mage characters being stubborn when it comes to space, and sorta having a sollux kinda mood most of the time. i say rogue because i tend to act a bit like roxy but that one is more meh. any of these 4 i sorta act like but im not sure which

(also keep in mind i typed this out pretty quickly if theres any spelling mistakes)

this was a private post. but im making it public cuz someone was using it as an example

also i came out with mage of space by the end of this if your curious

[girlinapicture]

So it’s coming to the end of mental health awareness month and this is something I have been debating talking about for a while in fact I’ve spent this whole month trying to write this. After thinking about how much worse mental health care may become under Tory government and rediscovering these images that I’ve felt I should just do it. *Trigger Warning for talk of Mental Illnesses, Self-harm and Suicide*

These pictures are from the very first shoot I did about 2 and a half years ago as part of a project called RATS for the extraordinary Nic Edwards who is to thank for me getting through my time at High Storrs due to her incredible support and were shot by Joe Armitage an amazing photographer who noticed the potential in me. These pictures are from a set which showcased mental illness within young people and at the time these images were taken I felt all I was were these addictions.

I’ll start by saying that i am now over a year self harm free and ED free. But its coming up 6 years since my mental health essentially took over my life and with the fact I’ll be moving away and getting a fresh start in September I’ve been thinking about all those years more. Those years left me physically and emotionally scarred but that doesn’t have to be the case for other young people developing mental health issues. Being on my gap year has made me realise how seriously underfunded the mental system is and how if I had gone to a school were mental health was treated as a valid issue maybe things could have been a lot easier.

At 12 years old I felt broken and found hurting myself made me feel something, that in a way breaking my skin made relief spread through me, finally making myself look as damaged as I felt inside. At 13 a friendship turned to manipulation and harassment and I attempted suicide for the first time. This was when I first realised the system was flawed. I lied during my initial meeting with CAMHS because I thought if I went into therapy these were the ladies Id have to see and I didn’t like them. I told them I hadn’t been having suicidal thoughts and having been unsuccessful I wouldn’t try again. They had read the messages I had received, they were the ones who told me what was happening was harassment and I don’t know about you but I feel like any 13 year old who attempts to take their life after being sent manipulative messages should be referred to specialists even if they say “I’m fine”. But at the time they were moving from 3 centres to 2, they were downsizing, and if someone said the didn’t need help they didn’t really have the resources to chase them up.

I don’t really want to go into more details about everything that happened afterwards but it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows and the events surrounding my first overdose left me with PTSD symptoms. I did actually get referred to CAMHS a few months later when I ended up in hospital again but they were still changing the system and when my therapist moved to a different centre I was scared the next person I saw wouldn’t be as understanding. This began the cycle of getting referred, being told I had improved, getting discharged, getting bad again, needing to be referred again. I lost count of how many Psychiatrists and Therapists I saw. Different doctors giving different diagnosis, falling through the cracks and getting forgotten about when it came to referrals, always feeling broken, relying on destructive behaviours to feel ‘normal’.

I was told by a psychiatrist during one of my trips to A&E that teenagers are stupid for attempting suicide because there is no after life. The first time I was diagnosed with an ED I gained weight because I couldn’t bare to see the pediatrician anymore because every visit to her made me feel terrible, I lied from then on about my eating habits and how I viewed myself so I wouldn’t have to see her again. When after a few years on fluoxotine (medication) my anxiety improved and my last CAMHS doctor decided to take me off it because I had officially gone on it to help with my panic disorder not depression, I was feeling extremely suicidal at the time and regularly self harming as a result of my depression but because I had tried one type of medication and it hadn't helped with it she didn’t see the point in trying another, she also didn't gradually lower my dosage as she should have done and when I complained about withdrawal symptoms misdiagnosed them. My last CAMHS doctor also didn’t notice that I was in a toxic relationship that was leaving deep scars in me mentally and often wrote in my reviews things I hadn’t said or were misquoted in a way that made it seem I was doing a lot better than I was, that she was doing a good job. When my group therapist told me I made everything about myself and my mental health I felt even more like I couldn’t ask for help and that I was that selfish, toxic person who just made things worse for people. I felt I was a 'monster’ like it says on the shirt (which I just happened to be wearing its only now I realise it in a way represents so much more about how I felt).

In those years my friendship circles changed a fair amount and broke my heart. I stayed in a toxic, manipulative relationship because he told me he loved me when I felt unlovable. My attendance at school greatly suffered as only a few teachers actively tried to help me, many more more not understanding and wanting me to 'get over it’, telling me off for having a panic attack like I had control over them because “I should’ve had it at the start of lunch not the end”, or when having a break down that because I had stopped crying I needed to go back to class. It didn’t help that the person who was causing me to have almost daily panic attacks still attended my school and in one delightful turn of events ended up in my art class because the school thought he wouldn’t turn up. I didn’t see him in school again I don’t know if he just stopped turning up or if he was actually kicked out but the damage was done, I couldn’t even sit in my art class for months because I was so terrified of seeing him. My school was a trigger for me but it was the only place I felt I had stable support as my therapists were constantly changing but Nicola had been with me from the start, and my anxiety was too bad to start fresh alone. I felt weak breaking down all the time, being unable to even do my homework because depression had screwed my motivation and energy levels. Its pretty difficult to motivate yourself to go to school when you don’t see yourself living to the end of the year.

Chances are there will be other people in life with a similar story to mine. Other people who need help and support that schools and the government wont give. Leaving my school has done wonders for my mental health and it saddens me so much that just maybe if I had been in a more supportive and understanding environment I would be able to have fond memories from school instead of shaking when I think of it.

I’m not writing this in a woe is me type way, though I can understand if reading this does sound like me wanting your pity. I don’t intend it that  way I’m writing just in hopes that reading my story will help people realise how important mental health issues are, how going out and backing a political party who wants to put more funding into helping people will change lives. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, dark thoughts still plague me and since aging out of the CAMHS system I was told to rely on my GP to support me as adult services just do not have the funding/resources (though I recently found out im on a waiting list for CBT and am being referred to community psychologist due to yet another possible diagnosis) but I like to think that I’m stronger than I was 6 years ago and that my experiences have made me a more caring person.

I have so much to thank Nicola and Joe for not just because they have been incredibly kind to me but also because these pictures, this shoot, started my modelling career. Modelling gave me confidence and self esteem that I’m not sure I would have ever found and it’s thinking about modelling that’s gotten me over my self harm addiction. Its interesting to think that taking these pictures helped me get over the things depicted in them.

I’m eternally grateful to those who supported me through this journey and thank you to anyone who has decided to read this all the way through. I guess I’ll just finish by saying this is for anyone who is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always hated hearing 'it gets better’ because mental health issues can be lifelong and there are often setbacks but it does get easier. You learn how to cope with your dark thoughts, how to ask for help when you need it. You learn how to be okay with existing.

My thoughts are with all those who the system failed and could no longer keep going, I hope their friends and family have found/find peace.