#i. am gonna process this poem and then make a post about it but it will be a different post

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

heeyyy gaaanggg

the pose and the background of the album version (left) are based on oingo boingos only a lad album art. not cause i think he has anything to do with it but just cause ive been wantin to draw that pose for like. weeks and i didnt know who to put there. so why not my latest bug man.

[mayasaura]

thinking about that quote that's like "oh, the things we invent when we are scared and want to be rescued" wrt the kiriona & phyrra & nona thing; kiriona wants so badly for someone to save her, so she lashes out at phyrra and nona when they're not the people she wanted to show up

I think. It might be worse. Because yes, she wanted Harrow to save her from her tower, and she HATES that she got Nona instead, but also. She's been wanting so badly for someone to save her for such a long time and

Pyrrha kind of is who she wanted to show up. She's just twenty years too late.

[thechaoscryptid]

The Great WIP Cleanout of 2024

(and a general life update because hello, I am indeed still alive)

SO 👏🏻 I've been busy doing pretty much everything BUT writing for the bulk of the year, but especially these past few months I've been absent. There's been a lot of zine work (ended up as a surprise shipping and finance mod on four projects in various stages of completion), a lot of knitting (hats are my favorite things, actually), and I got really into M*A*S*H over the summer (Hawkeye...beloved.....).

Despite the large amount of not-writing, I have been working on SOME things. I published my first erotica story in @/duckprintspress anthology Many Hands, I have a narrative poem in an upcoming poetry zine from Memento Viviere Press, and have been picking steadily at some other short stories for publication and press patreon rewards.

I also have a really, really big creative journey I'm about to embark on, and that means getting serious about what I'm actually going to finish and NOT finish fanwork-wise (as well as doing some major housecleaning in my docs folders so I can go into this with a clear head).

I've got a whole shitload of work in my documents that, realistically, I am not going to finish. I'm either uninterested in the work, the fandom, or some other aspect of the ~process~ and those obstacles are making finishing the WIP more hassle than it's worth. That said, I want to share what I have, because some of it slaps (even though it's old)!

Sooooo over the next week or so, you can expect to see me putting quite a bit of unfinished and abandoned work on AO3 in the interest of utilizing its ARCHIVE function. I'll also be posting a summary to finish Wake the White Wolf - the fic was SO close to my heart for a long time, and I'm really grateful for every single person who's ever been invested, but the style and knowledge gap between when I stopped updating and now is just. Impossible to bridge (and not something I have the time and energy to do these days).

I'm gonna try and be here a little more too, because I miss interacting with y'all. I think the time away has done me a solid and left me a bit more centered, more able to get in touch with myself and really hammer out my next steps in both writing and life in general.

(and you can DEFINITELY count on me still doing fanwork, even though I've been moving toward more original stuff ❤️❤️)

[luwukass]

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT: THE ALBATROSS DEEPDIVE

alright this post is being written/drafted right after the announcement of this variant on feb 23rd after sydney night one

okay so taylor just announced a new ttpd variant this one is called the albatross this is the front and back cover

so first things first before we deep dive into the meaning of albatross and theorize about the track we have a new back cover. the albatross edition of ttpd says "am i allowed to cry?" i saw someone on twt say it might say "i am allowed to cry?" but that doesnt make much sense to me personally i think if she meant that it would say i´m and not i am but we will have to see. this is the third back cover quote we have gotten so far. i personally think these back cover lines are possibly lyrics either from the core album or from the bonus tracks they represent so "am i allowed to cry" might be a lyric from the albatross

okay so what the hell is an albatross?

it could be so many things bc words have so many meanings so im gonna take yall step by step through my thought process here

albatross meaning one: so the VERY first thing that pops up on google is the bird. i personally doubt the song is gonna be about the bird but its taylor so we have no idea i didnt really see much online about the bird that alerted me to anything but i had to include the bird

albatross meaning two: so an albatross is also a metaphor! it originates from you guessed it a poem! the poem this originates form is called "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge written in 1798. the poem is colerdiges longest piece of work published. wikipedia describes the metaphor as, "In the poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, an albatross follows a ship setting out to sea, which is considered a sign of good luck. However, the titular mariner shoots the albatross with a crossbow, an act that will curse the ship and cause it to suffer terrible mishaps. Unable to speak due to lack of water, the ship's crew let the mariner know through their glances that they blame him for their plight and they tie the bird around his neck as a sign of his guilt. From this arose the image of an albatross around the neck as metaphor for a burden that is difficult to escape" wikipedia also lists a musical metaphor of an albatross as "In music journalism, the term albatross is sometimes used metaphorically to describe the mixed blessing and curse of a song that becomes so popular it overshadows the rest of the artist's work." which in my opinion might apply to taylor in some aspects.

so now that we got those meanings done i wanted to talk about my personal theories about the song. i think shes probably gonna take the poetic approach and the song will be about bad omens and regrets, i have a feeling we might get a lyric along the lines of "that damned albatross" of her cursing the curse or we might get some ´hanging around my neck´ imagery

[unadulteratedkr]

2, 18, 19, 46 and a wildcard for you too for the fic writer game 💗

eeee thank you for coming into my inbox and playing with me, Ida 🥰🥰🥰

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

Oh, I absolutely have to outline before I write. Pantsless writers, you terrify me (affectionate). It's not anything very formal, like I'm not doing bullet lists, it's much more stream of consciousness mixed in with me congratulating me on good ideas that get me out of problems I create for myself. It's very chaotic 😂 See below, part of my outline for I am tired, I am yours, where I outright ask myself for help

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

It varies! If I'm writing a sequel to something, I'll often have the title picked out before I finish the piece just to keep it thematically tied to the first one. In my Vianton fics, they're all named from Brandi Carlile songs (listen, she's the first person to admit her love songs are fucked up and it fits the Big emotions of a vampire and a werewolf okay I don't make the rules), and the sequel to my actual!KrakenEd fic was pulled from a poem I used a lot as inspiration for the first fic. Sometimes titles come to me in the middle of a piece, sometimes I'm ready to publish and going ".... oh right. Title. For the fic. The fic's title. The title to go on the fic."

I usually pull from poetry or songs for fic titles, but I have some delightful notable exceptions:

-sin is sacred again is titled from the marketing copy from Kraken Rum. No really. I'm not bullshitting you. Go look.

EDIT: OKAY APPARENTLY SOME COWARD TOOK DOWN THE PART I USED AS INSPIRATION BECAUSE THE MONSTERFUCKER VIBES WERE CLEAR BUT LUCKILY I HAVE SCREENSHOTS

-it's not something I can share yet here, but I also wrote a nsfw digital tie-in piece for the Tying the Knot zine titled "The 'I Duoy' Newlywed Special", which has that title solely because I wanted to capitalize on the fucking AMAZING name @jackuntiljune came up with for Archie's shotgun wedding boat

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

This made me laugh so much because @poorlyformed will be SO proud to hear that there's a TIE between "reunions" and "rimming" in my collection.

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

Ooooo, definitely emotion-driven, but rooted in the characters? Like, I want my writing to evoke emotions, and I write from a very personal place and put a lot of my own heart into my writing, but I also try really hard to make sure that it's rooted in the characters.

Very much how I approach any characters I've ever played too, I think. Like, I bring my own knowledge of the world and of feelings to any part I play, but at the end of the day.... I am NOT a water spirit or an owl or a grad student, and I need to find that character's truth and imagine outside of it, and I try to do that with fic as well. I want to bring what I find compelling to Ed or Stede, but I want to translate it through their characters to make it authentic and fulfilling to THEM.

And for my wild-card, I'm gonna pick, drumroll please [appropriate length drumroll]

#77: Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [insert fic here]?

Because I want to talk about my Stardust AU, Between the Sand and Stardust, which miiiight be my favorite thing I've written?

My favorite scene, bar NONE, was the scene where Stede got transformed into a mouse. One, mouse Stede is literally perfect, Stede as a tiny little dormouse gives me so much joy, but TWO, it's when Ed admits he loves Stede for the first time and it's so ACHINGLY TENDER because he thinks Stede can't understand him so he lets himself be a little more honest about it and ALSO I love it because Stede immediately post-transformation is a dolt and I'm in love with him:

get to know your fic writer!

[the-stray-storyteller]

you asked for a shitty poem istg this is the only poem ive ever written HEY COME BACK *grabs you and pulls you back* NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT ALL YOUR NEW STUFF AND SHARE SOME OF YOURS >:(

also literally you don't have to feel pressured to answer this take your time like honestly you don't even have to reply I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEW WIP SACRIFICE!1?1?11??1

AAAAAAAAAAAAA! HI!

*offers you tea*

I sent you an ask a few days ago but my tumblr is acting funny so I don't think you got it. Anyways.....

The poem omigod. It's wow! Is it the complexities of human emotion that we hide with beauty. Or is it about romanticizing the dangerous and falling in love with it. The juxtaposition. The rhythm. The contrast. Holy fucking wow. ITS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. ITS SO GOOD. *frothing mouth*

Also you new pfp is so cooot. eeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Okay now to answer your questions. New stuff, nothing much there. I have been writing Rebel and Havenpoint (I should really post the next chapter) really slowly. Writing more chem notes than stories.

Rebel is a part of a series. I still haven't decided if it is going to be a duology or a trilogy. But there will be another book if I have the energy and will to write it.

And I have been concentrating on making two comic strips for my college scholarship. I finished the first one, one more to go.

Long rant below. Like really fucking long. Not joking.

Sacrifice is a placeholder name for my WIP. I haven't decided what its actual name will be. I am really hoping I don't abandon this WIP.

Like I did with Masque, Woven Worlds, Orphic Academy, Timekeepers, Card Thief, Games of the Astute, Mortal Bound, The Playground, After the afterlife (dumb name), Stolen by Silence, etc.

So Sacrifice is an Indian Dark Academia novel.

25 of the best magic users from all over India will be invited to attend a prestigious and mythical academy after they finish 12th grade. So they take this mysterious train ride to another fucking realm where the school is (nobody knows its exact location cause they all faint in the train). Also the academy's architecture will be based off on Indian architecture throughout the ages, so I am currently researching on that when I get time.

The students have a year to conduct a study in the academy. They will have access to all sorts of ancient scriptures and previous alumni's studies. At the end of the year the Dean will see what they worked on. If the dean is impressed by you project they will tell you the secret of life and death magic. The Dean is never impressed. If they fail to impress the Dean they go home with absolutely nothing and they would forget the place.

However, the people who went back home with nothing went mad after a while and killed themselves. Their minds are not able to process the magical place they had just been to. Being at the academy also manages to mess with the minds of a person. It drives them a bit crazy. Some people have suicided there or have killed somebody else. The students don't know this.

Spoilers after this point.

So a group of six students join together and decide to help each other with their projects so they can get the secret. One of the group finds out about the whole madness thing and tells the others about it.

Now each of the six students has a hamartia (tragic flaw). From jealousy to manipulative. This is actually a small experiment from my side because the main characters are not good people, so I am gonna try and make them likable. Its going to be so hard.

Anyways desperate and power hungry the group decides to find the secret themselves and steal the academy's resources and escape before the end of the year.

The others fearful of dying/going mad start to push the limits of their magic. They experiment with things that they are not supposed to experiment with. 

With every experiment their hamartia takes over. They start going mad. They become a fucking cult. They start to sacrifice the other students to ancient gods (in true ancient fashion) and become more powerful. Once all the students are gone they start killing each other and the last one left ends up destroying the academy along with themself trying to become the most powerful being.

*sobbing* I talk too much.

[ace-and-ink]

[intro]

at what point does it become acceptable to start questioning the love left in your relationship?

forgive me if that is too strong of a start. i wrote this part of the poem last and i didn’t know how to kick it off. i always write the entire body of a poem first, but i never know how to make them start.

i’ve never tried to write a poem like this before, either. where you write a bunch of random, unrelated parts and then try to string them together in a way that makes sense. whether or not i succeeded in making it make sense is not something i say with certainty. whether or not it works, consider it a glimpse into the inner machinations of my mind every day.

but this is where, my dear audience, i call on you to become my judge. not just to judge my ability to write poetry, but to deem me either innocent or guilty of the subject of which i am about to confess to you.

i ask for your time, for your honest ears, your honest instincts, your honest logic; i politely ask for you to indulge the ramblings of this dishonest heart of mine.

[prophecy]

i’m half convinced i’m some sort of prophet, or maybe some prophet of old grew attached to me.

i can’t tell you all the times i’ve written about something, being scared it’s gonna happen, and then it does

or the dream i had as a child about being struck by lightning through the house, or the dream from even earlier about a vague feeling of someone in my family dying

and, well, here i am.

every time i put my pen to paper, i fear i’m fending off those stupid dodgeballs

and every time they come to fruition, i can only feel that this is some sort of game to Apollo, that he gets a kick out of letting this happen.

i’ve written at least one poem since i’ve been with her about relationships that’ve fallen through. i don’t know if they’re about her or if they’re about them or if they’re just concepts floating in my mind.

i suppose the prophet will show me soon enough.

[hours]

“never trust what you think about your life after 9 pm.”

well, i started writing this at 2 AM, but the thoughts have bled into my daylight hours, so do they still count?

does that make this poem null and void, or is it fine as long as i post it during the day?

technically, anything can be after 9 pm if you overthink it enough. when do the late am hours become the early am hours? when is 4 or 5 AM not considered being up late and instead being up early?

[no right]

i have no right to think about them like i do.

not while i cling to her arm so obediently.

but i’m like a dog. i don’t want to sit still in the doghouse. not when i know the humans are warm inside, having fun. if i can’t join them, i want to find my own. wander the neighborhood. meet other dogs. it’d be fine if i came back before they looked for me. but i know with my luck, they’d look out the window as soon as i slink away and they’d chain me up to make sure i don’t leave again. so i sit. i don’t want to be chained, but with the way i behave for them i might as well be.

[bleach]

we recently deep-cleaned all the tile in our house. and almost all of our hard flooring on the bottom floor is tile.

i came home from school one day and was greeted at the door with the powerful-almost-to-the-point-of-painful smell of bleach coming from the kitchen, which is on the other side of the house.

it didn’t leave for a few days. i was smelling it even upstairs. it wouldn’t let me relax; as soon as i tried it was like it would suddenly begin to smell again. sometimes, i swear i still smell it, like it’s waiting behind a corner for me to let down my guard, then it attacks again.

but our kitchen’s clean, and our bathrooms. i may have lost a few nose hairs and probably fried a few olfaction receptors in the process, but it’s done, and it’s clean.

imagine the metaphors you could make with cleaning with bleach.

[horoscope]

you can tell when i’m in love because that’s the only time i check my horoscope so thoroughly.

i let it tell me what i want to hear. or maybe the stars really are aligning for me then. or maybe i’m interpreting it to mean what i want.

i don’t believe in fate or destiny, except when i’m love struck, then i believe that this is the only truth for me, that my life was already written out, that this is how things are meant to be, that i can’t change anything.

you’d think i’d kneel down and pray, like i was raised to do. believe that god has written my life, not whatever constellation was visible when i was born or the phase of the moon over my hometown.

some things are just easier for me to find faith in than others.

[eyes]

i think i would be so much prettier if i didn’t pick at my eyebrows.

i can’t help it anymore. it started as a subconscious habit when i was like 8, and now my hands fly to my face as soon as i need the stimulation. i’ve plucked away almost half of each. i’ve picked up various fidget toys, but i can’t exactly whip them out during a test, nor are they quiet enough to cram in my hoodie pocket.

i fell in love with her without even seeing the bottom half of her face. i looked at her once and i knew she was gonna give my heart trouble as soon as she opened her mouth.

it was something in her eyes, i think. in the way they squint when she smiles and laughs. some glint that catches the light and makes their light colors even prettier.

[bodies]

i think i would be easier to love if i had less of a stomach.

over four years of tough, dedicated, rigorous practice with my team, and it’s never budged. i’ve tried eating good, i’ve tried not eating; the latter becomes more and more enticing every time i glance in the mirror before a shower. i settle for baggy clothes, for hoodies every day, for sweatshirts and jeans at every family gathering, for shirts way too big for me at night. if i don’t see it, i don’t think about it, it doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t exist. i’ve no object permanence.

their whole body is beautiful. from their dark hair to their light eyes to their thin limbs; i think they move gracefully, though perhaps that is just because of their flowy clothes and how quick they move. i think of their body often; how it moves, the way it must feel, their thin frame pressed against my stocky build, whether their hands feel as delicate as they look as they explore. perhaps i should’ve paid more attention when my friend was describing it.

[pleading]

i got all my crystals out, all gathered on my mess of a desk. the first i’ve had since this first one started. the other two i’ve only had since i realized something didn’t feel right.

love. they’re all supposed to help with love. i still can’t say i understand how or why, but it’s something for me to believe in.

i have them laid before me. and i actually fold my hands. i actually bow my head. and i talk.

i do not know if i’m talking to the same God i used to beg to when i was eleven, and i think that was the last time i begged like this.

i beg to the crystals. i beg to the stars. i beg to whatever higher being listens, if there are any at all.

i am begging. i am pleading. i am doing something that is almost praying.

i beg for clarity. i beg for guidance. i beg for help in making the right choices if it comes down to it. i beg for the strength to get through them. i beg for the mercy that if it has to happen, it happens soon, while the fear is fresh.

— needs a title

[moth-feeet]

lately i’ve been seeing lots of posts on here saying things like “how to be a better person”, or “how to be a classy woman” and while i think they have the right ideas at heart, they’re just being very obtuse with the words they choose.

to be a better person you don’t have to speak 7 languages, or only eat raw vegan, or even let everyone tell you their problems.

to be classy you don’t have to have perfectly flat, fly-away-free glossy hair.

the people i see saying these things aren’t thinking about actually being better;

to be good isn’t to be perfect, to be classy doesn’t mean you have to be a white woman with straight blonde hair.

what made me a much better person was realizing i wasn’t a good person.

most of the people giving this advice don’t realize it’s not going to change your life, it won’t make you smart or kind to wear the colors that match your skin tone best. though you might look great, that doesn’t solve the pain.

i think you all deserve some advice from someone with mental illness, who isn’t vegan, who isn’t perfectly tidy, or even popular.

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ̀ˋ

i became a softer, kinder, person when i sat down and saw who i really was, a self centered, mean, sad, bully.

i am fortunate enough to has access to therapy, which absolutely helped me but i did a lot more growth on my own. i’m not gonna say journal, or do shadow work because that meant nothing to me at the time, not to say i don’t journal but whatever, what actually helped me was spending time outside.

i called it “outside time”, original i know, but genuinely everyday for months straight i would go out on the porch in the mornings (i started in winter and through spring - cooler months are best) and i would sit. alone. with nothing but my mind, a piece of paper and a pencil, and the sound of birds and the breeze. it became integral for my day, i had to do it or i didn’t have a good day. these moments were the times i wrote my best poems, or saw myself as who i truly was. i got back into reading and ate through book after book.

spending time outside with nothing but the universe and classical music playing gave me time to ask the universe some questions. i asked her how i got here, what i need to change, why she lead me to this realization, and i got my answer every time.

no, god didn’t come down and speak to me, the stars didn’t write it out, and no one actually said anything. the universe told me through memories, late night conversations with myself, and daydreams of better lives.

i picked up some things through this healing process that i think had a hand in my softening.

baking, cooking in general. though it started as a new year resolution, i learned it’s my love language. sharing my recipes and taking requests, it makes me feel wanted.

i started sleeping better, which was a breakthrough for me. i was prescribed a sleeping medication for chronic insomnia, and it’s helped a lot.

i started spending more time on self care.

now this is what i saw a lot of in the posts i was talking about. i saw lots of, “start a keto diet, start doing face masks, shower twice a week, always go on a run or workout!”

but that’s not what i mean. i started washing my makeup off at night, a revelation for someone with such awful depression at the time. i started brushing my teeth which certainly wasn’t a priority when i was rotting in bed everyday. i learned how to properly care for my curls. i even just left dr.pepper for tea. don’t get me wrong i have a dr.pepper sat next to me right now. i never cut it out i just laid off it.

one of the far more controversial aspects i changed was, not letting everybody dump their trials and tribulations onto me. i have always been very empathetic and therefore seen as a person to talk to about your troubles. and while i tried my best, i don’t have the advice a 50 year old woman in the middle of a divorce is looking for (and i was asked for it). i didn’t just let people tell me what they were going through. it seems cruel but it really helped me let go. i always described my mental health as those statues in dispicable me that slowly get crushed. and most of that came from listening to everyone’s thoughts and also carrying my own.

inevitably i had to stop. i had to let people know i wasn’t the person who could help them, and when i would listen my advice was, “i suggest you talk to someone better equipped for these issues”. i lead a lot of people to school counseling, or even social services at times. but i never forced them to take the steps to get better, because they were never my responsibility.

of course i wanted to help, sometimes i understood more than you could imagine, i never said it, because when someone reached out for help i chose to grab their hand and lead them to the real recuse team. because you and i are not trained therapists, we aren’t cps, we aren’t letting ourselves be crushed.

growing for me meant guiding people to the people who helped me. i wasn’t mentally prepared for someone to share a trauma or a struggle, i had and still have my own to work through.

.

all this is to say; no one grows the same way. maybe for some, reading classic literature changed their mentality in life, but i find books from the 1800s boring; and maybe some people feel classiest in all gold jewelry, maybe i don’t get it.

that’s just not what i think would save me. so, if you’re trying to carry yourself with more kindness, if you want to be the ‘it girl’, if you plan to be your best. before you jump to a new wardrobe or a drastic diet change, try spending time with your head. no stimulation, no music or books or anything. sit and color in a coloring book by an open window. ask the universe how you got here, and wait.

frighting with your head won’t get you where you dream to be, sometimes work has to stop for you to start again.

i really hope that the people who truly do want to change, find the right ways to.

with all my love, i am rooting for you.

love, K

[improvingtrainwreck]

Ig. All these posts w images I blog or reblog... they're manifestations of what I wish my own life to be and experiences I am deeply hoping and looking forward to expereincing.

They have to come true. They, have to.✨



🪄believe in life's magic, good karma from putting beautiful energy out into the universe, God's blessings, and the universe's will to manifest your wildest dreams n dream life. I love you universe, even though it's been mostly hard lately(lately as in the past couple or just the past years of my life- mostly). Even then I'm still holding my head up, believing, knowing it's going to get way better than I ever even wished for, or dared to dream...

Just as those ''The Alchemist" posts said

 “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.”(Coelho, 2014, pg.24)

Speaking of which I fell in love with the before ever having read it. I wasn't really a bug reader but I'm trying to get into it... Y'all but when I tell you luckily enough for me, the most random opportunity presented itself and I was able to borrow it from a sweet soul. I finally got my hands on a copy and when I tell you I'm about halfway through and the book's made me so emotional quite a bit of times already... ugh beautifull. Anyway it's been a lil bit I really needa finish it, I wanna finish it soon. Also I'm kinda on a sm break rn so it's gonna be interesting and growth inspiring seeing what I do w that time

And OHMYGORF

I ALMOST FORGOT. I wrote the most beautiful, moving poem the other day. Somedays I literally forget that I'm a poet. Like i often forget it's a big part of what makes me me. Like I am actually a full blown, poetic soft deep loving romantic soul having, poet. Just like these pros I'll see/ hear about on social media. That'ss why I can start writing abt literally the most mundane thing and it turns into a beautifully written, "🥹" ,long paragraph or twoo. Like I literally can't help itt. I don't necessarily like the process of actually writing/typing this long but it just happens. most. or. every. time. Then the reality really hit. I am. A poet. Isn't that interesting. It's crazy to think that for the rest of the point though that isn't exactly a selling point or somethin they'd love or cherish in a partner or peer. Really interesting to think abt, in fact for those who haven't exactly met themselves or the world that deeply yet, they'd probably just pull a u turn in fact. N ig while it's a little sad it's just kinda like repellant for souls that wouldn't exactly mesh well with mine sooo, blessing in a disguise? I feel like not many things feel better than meeting persons you truly connect with🥹.

Yeah and I know it sounds weird, like "how do you forget you're a poet?" ik ik, but it happens. Not that I have to explain delicate matters like this, oof the heart aka my art, w anyone but just on like a homie, transparent level... I think it's because after seeing the grand works of these truly talented, especially published poets out there and ig after subconsciously comparing my works and achievements or lack thereof (in the field) to them... it just doesn't feel the same ig? Sometimes when you're new to something, a field, career, area of study- whatever, it can feel and be really intimidating seeing all the well established persons and veterans in the are and not feel anywhere near them. Even if your talent is but you're just not as sugared or decorated yet. And I feel like it's also bc I've felt I've had to turn down the poet inside me for the day by day, either to not come off as weird or bc my deep feelings and writing or speaking lingo would standout way too much and tbh anything slightly different and we know how mean ppl can get. Anywho I'm getting over that now bc it's so evident how "trying to fit in or be 'normal' kills character", it's just been saddeningly hard trying to get back in touch with me. The me that was before society made feel weird for being me and learned all the way to fit in perfectly and be socially acceptable. Ngl, I've been on this 'getting back to me' path for a while now and it's crazy how you'll think all the work to undo the damage that was done, is done but then it's not and you'll always discover another way or area you missed. Like it's soo hard to uncap my personality and the entirety of my soul once it's been capped, esp for so long- so I can be at my fullest basking in self-love and existing entirely, soul without unclipped wings and radiating the most beautiful aura (that'll attract all the healthy beautiful souls aligned w me that'll bring love, great thing and reciprocated energy into my life🥹,) shining in all her glory as she should, and always deserved to be. Fully me unapologetically like I never had the chance to be before. I want that so muchh, I will not stop just lovingly working on it. I know it'll happen someday soon and it'll be the most wonderful. I already felt a glimmer of that sun peeking through a cloud the other day and it is divine, I can sense the perfect confidence🥰...

Ykw too, I swr every time I start writing these post I truly neverr expect them to be this long but then I start writing and my brain brings up more and more and I jus have to type it and so I end up with these reallly long journal type entries, with it's content deeper than expected fr. *satisfying sigh, turns head to the right, looks into space* I wouldn't change it for anything though...

Also as one of my signature touches to these posts... one of the really cool parts about it being online... here's the very recent masterpiece from 2 of my favs

What was I made for by Billie Eilish. Her writing along with Finneas' and his production🥹😭😭💗

I love that duo. I also find Jeremy Zucker's beautiful, lovee me some Ed Sheeran. Can't remember who else in this category for now, but trust me y'all. Every time Billie and Finneas make music I love it, feel something and relate to it somehow, they're like angels at this, I am truly in love with their work and their artistry.

My forearm is lowkey burning from all this typing chile oml, honestly pretty normal is the crazy part

Mémoire. Nora Attal photographed by Brydie Mack for Faithfull the Brand Summer 2020.

[purlturtle]

1, 4, 10, and 17

Thank you for asking! (from this list)

1: do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

Most of the time I know before I start writing. As in, if I have just a random idea, there are three ways this can go, and I try all of them out in my head first: (gonna put this under a readmore, because it'll get long)

it might just be a fun thought to rotate in my mind. It doesn't have the narrative cohesion or interest to become even just a one-shot or drabble, or it's too OOC in the end to really work for my blorbos.

it might have just enough cohesion or interest, and be in character enough, to write something short from it. I typically have the whole thing in my head when I write it down, in that case.

it has the potential to become a long-form story. In that case I open a document, or go to one of my fellow fic-loving friends on Discord, and think it through while writing it out. The entire purpose of that is to figure out the arc of the story, including a potential ending. I only start writing once I have that nailed down.

One time, I started writing before I had the ending down, and even posting before I had the ending down, and GOD it stressed me out so much (it was the Halloween story). Never again.

4: what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

At this point certainly the Pirate AU. I am currently not working on it because I *still* have tendonitis, and writing much more than something like this here is hell on my hands. (Both of them, what's worse.) I know, though, that it's just a hiatus, so no existential dread about it.

10: at what point in the process do you come up with titles, and how easy or hard is that for you?

Usually halfway into the story, sometimes not until the day of posting (such as "Not this: ..."; I had no idea how to title this, and am still on the fence whether that is even a good title or not). I don't go for song lyrics or poem lines; typically I try to find something that fits the story thematically, and sometimes it's even a line or word from the story. I'd say it's moderately hard for me, but except for that one example mentioned just now I've never really had a crisis over it.

17: what is your favorite line you’ve ever written?

Easy, actually:

“Well, it’s not as if they hadn’t imagined our bedroom activities long before there ever were any.”

(said by Helena, in response to Myka worrying about the rest of the Warehouse team overhearing said activities.) (From Turn and Fate, part 2 of my Chrysalis series - an old fic/series, but one I'm still proud of, beyond just the above line.) (I just. I love writing arch, relaxed, teasing, innuendo-spouting Helena. I love to write scenes in which she allows herself to be that, love to write fics that give her the opportunity to. Love when she makes Myka sputter - love even more when Myka turns the tables and manages to make *Helena* sputter with a well-placed sentence. Such a delight.)

(There are plenty other lines of mine that I like, actually, I will say that out loud. One of my major joys in writing is crafting a good sentence - from cadence to being in character (if it's an action or dialogue line from a character) to wordplay to advancing the story. Such sentences give me a lovely glow, better almost than finding a perfect scene resolution. Words are my building blocks, and a well-crafted sentence is just such a joy.)

Thank you for asking! These were great questions!

[coffee---bean]

i wanna make a post about failure

hi, i didn't know what to title this

i suddenly (?) had a bunch of insecurities and fears come into me and mix around and it felt bad. this happens a lot at the end of semesters. i don't really know how to talk about it or how to process it. i can say that right now, it feels like i'm feeling it for the first time, like... i don't feel like i have any experience with this. i feel like i'm being hit with brand-new feelings.

anyway, i felt like i wanted to say something related to art and stuff. i thought about writing this yesterday and i don't remember what it was. something about the value of failure, or like, how failure is good, or something. but that sucks! i don't wanna write about that, that's stupid. cos,,,,

why can't failure just be failure!! i feel like failure is a silly word anyway. it makes things worse or something. or i dont know, it can be good to acknowledge failure. i just mean,

i guess it isn't a failure when you feel sad. i feel really sad, for some reason, and i can't explain it. i just, it's like it's coming from nowhere. or lots of small things, but when i try to explain it, i feel like explaining the small things isn't enough really, cos it's all more like a complicated swirl of stuff. it's a soup now, it's not just ingredients anymore.

--

i honestly just don't know how to be articulate about this feeling. i just sort of don't wanna do anything or exist at the moment. i don't mean that in a suicidal way. i mean it more like, i don't wanna do the thing of existing. like, the actions of existing.

i guess that's classic two tables, but i kind of... wanna resist the idea of two tables now. i don't think i connect with it anymore. like, i actually like being human. i like this squishy space and the discomfort, especially since i feel like i have people who care about me and i feel like i am going to be okay. i mean, i'm still going to die, eventually, but i think i'm a bit less afraid of dying than i was when i was younger.

i think i like the fact that two tables is kind of becoming the fake work, and the gift shop is becoming the real one. i think its cool that two tables is gonna be on a stage, it's gonna be kind of a performance. kind of stupid, kind of a rejection of that idea. i mean, i do really like the artists who do work like that, so, i don't actually want to reject that idea completely. i just wanna not do that. i really think this is the right way to make two tables, to have the idea, as a kind of album cover or something, or the title, or an opening poem,

yeah,

i think im just gonna use the tables from the hall, and remove the stair rails so its clear to look at,

yeah.

i think today im gonna work on music, since mikayla also wanted some help. but!! none of my instruments are at school, so... maybe i'll finish the receipt roll today. just something kind of simple. also i wanted to make a plan and checklist thing.

yeah!

[streetlightdiaries]

I should let you in.

Pink clouds move across my morning sky. The sun and I share a sleepy smile as I think about him, about my favorite band, about coffee . . . and a poem nearly falls to my fingers. Then I think about how long it’s been since I wrote a Streetlight—are Streetlights even relevant? Are they worth anything to anybody? Do they matter if they aren’t trending? Am I just embarrassing myself? Should I sign off once and for all? Am I still me if I haven’t shared every heartbeat along the way? Am I still a writer if I’m not posting, to you, here? Sigh. Hello panic, good morning again.

“And then it all went black, that was that—”

As mentioned, I’ve picked up this new habit of gathering everything I love, anything that makes me happy, and hiding it from the world. An emo Silas Marner. Last year, it seemed like every outstanding story I’d ever gazed starry at came to a point. Characters came out swinging and I was quickly overwhelmed. I floated through the fallouts, I didn’t write the bridges. I didn’t tell you because, well, I didn’t feel safe here anymore.

I think about the way they used my lines against me. You said you used to read Streetlight every morning. I’m afraid she’ll take something from me and I won’t know how to get it back. I’ll be damned if a passing line gives him a moment’s reprieve from his guilt. I can, but I won’t. I should, “but I’m not ready yet.”

I’d go outside and get some air if it wasn’t so damn cold. I’d reach out if I thought I could trust you. But it is and I don’t, so here we are. My body falls back into bed and my chest sinks to a hollow. It’s uncomfortable, but at least it’s familiar. I roll my eyes at myself and press play just to drown out the noise for a little while.

The drumbeat regulates my pulse long enough for me to get up and pull on a borrowed tee. A beanie begins to bop along on top of my head. And an hour later, I’m skanking on the couch, still singing the same song--his favorite bridge--and feeling kinda brave again. I think I’m gonna do it this time.

You’re a punk even when you’re not dressed as one. You’re poet even if your lines don’t rhyme. My all-time favorite bands re-wrote their entire albums in the eleventh hour.

It’s obvious that I cannot go on without processing and putting it all here, in little melancholy packages never to be lost or forgotten completely. It’s apparent that the only thing left for me to do is say my own name, then go back and unpack. Let’s see what makes sense now that the sun is up again. Believe in what you can. Chase down your hooks. Everything you need to know lives in between the harmonies.

Love, T.

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

Dear Zoe, I think my blog post is overdue? Anyway, here I am now getting my act together after feeling quite scatty for a couple of weeks. Life gets in the way doesn’t it? That’s why people go on residencies of course! This has been literally hitting me in the face these past weeks as I go back to just juggling everyday life, teaching , trying to keep on top of things around the house and garden and dealing with family emotions and issues…..Where does the studio fit into all this? That’s just it – It always seems to come last – well today finally I have /am prioritising my studio practise!! (well to be honest I have done a few other domestic things too – but I have the kiln going and I am sitting down to attend to a list of things which – whilst they are computer things – also need to happen!)

One of the things I’ve been meaning and wanting to do since getting home from Europe – is to process the lumen prints I did whilst on residency. I rediscovered this process whilst I was at CRETA and it’s so much fun – a little bit addictive! I have finally scanned a bunch of lumens and edited them- just playing around with colours mainly and saturation - here's a few. Fun!

Maybe these will become new works? Who knows? The point is to keep playing and experimenting right? Also revisiting my notes to see what other methods there are for fixing the images as I remember there are other experimental options so I'm gonna try this out too now that they've been documented - the originals can change into something else - I don't mind....

In the background I have been angsting a bit about our upcoming show at Belconnen in February…..I guess it’s precisely because we are working and making in unknown territory that it’s a little bit daunting! Still visiting your studio in Sydney last week was good and I feel that we made headway. The road ahead is still a bit foggy but I can sort of make out where we are going (how’s that for a metaphor!)

Anyway, I am so glad that you will be in Canberra over Xmas and that we can put in some quality collab time in the studio working and making and just putting this show together! It will be an intense couple of weeks but I think it will be good.

So once again: trust the process.

PS that quote from Louise Bourgeois that you mentioned about architecture and memories – I knew I’d read it before – I came across a photo from an exhibition I visited the Gallery of NSW earlier this year - it was all about the idea of home – and I really liked it. There were quotes and poems displayed with the works – one of them was that exact same quote. It resonated with me too….and I just love the idea of memories building up in layers like bricks….creating architecture….reminds me of another book called “The Memory Palace” which I need to revisit.

It’s amazing how in-sync we are with our practices…...

[pitske]

I had so much brainrot about maggots yesterday. Gonna edit this post later to actually write all of it down.

And then I fucking forgot.

Okay hold up hold up.

So maggots are like basically the only animal that have been interacting with our culture for as long as they have. (I say with zero confidence because I am no biologist) Or a version OF them at least. They’ve been the ones to break down our dead bodies after we die. they take care of us even after we‘re gone. Freeing the soul from the flesh, if you will.

So basically I wrote some shitass poems about them, while freaking out, because I was bored out of my mind.(might put them here later if I muster up the courage to)

My problem with this is that most people actually do not like maggots. And that makes sense. I think seeing them digest flesh and how it looks after is already disturbing enough, but ,for me at least, the thought of „oh, that’s gonna be me some day“ is accompanied with it. Always.

Like I see some maggots when I take out the trash and I get scared. I know rationally that they’re not really dangerous, not even all that disgusting, they’re just baby flies, yeah?

But I think of the inevitability of maggots and death and then I freak out a little. I think looking straight at a maggot is doing worse things to my psyche then just the vague concept of dying ever could. I mean with death nobody knows what it is like or what to make of it. But when seeing maggots eat away at anything, it’s not vague, it’s not being scared of the feeling of it or if it‘ll be painful. It’s just being scared of the process, even though you’re already dead.

I don’t actually believe all of this as much as I made it seem here but I was genuinely bored and decided to explore some concepts of this.

Also yeah I know of incineration. I know you‘ll escape the maggot digestion if you burn your dead body but STILL!!!

The image that inspired this rant is that one that goes something like „you are the flesh that maggots adore“

[rainypebble07]

i hope you're feeling better now but i just saw your post from the other day and i sure do have Things to put in your askbox so

hello hi tell me about your writing process ! and i mean literally any part of it, literally any Thing, i'm just kind of curious because i really love what you write and my wips generally stay unfinished no matter how much i like the idea so i'm also kinda just curious how you manage to Get It Done yk?

no pressure at all i was just wondering

(Dude, I wrote too much. Sorry. i love to speak. I was excited I got an ask)

Hi! Yes! I'm feeling a little better now, still kinda sick, but so it goes. And that's so sweet of you! I'm glad you like my writing!

Writing Process? Oh boy, this is gonna be so disappointing. Most of the stories I've written come to me at random moments and over the course of a few days I'll make up this weird elaborate plot in my head until I get to the point where I'm like 'ok, this need to be a fic'.

I usually use two documents while writing something. I've got a layout (that's where I pull the crazy planning posts from) and the actual story(where I get the out-of-context stuff). I write down everything I want to happen in the layout document and add as much to it as I see fit (this can include really anything from specific conversations I want to really generic plot points) as well as block out chapters and after I'm finished with that, it usually just looks like a weirdly formatted poem or something. I never use spellcheck or anything on that either and I use such casual language, so it always looks like something I wrote while blackout drunk, but I love it nonetheless. Here's the first chapter of "Mike Wheeler's Ultimate Guide to the Undead"'s outline for example:

As you can see, it's a mess, but I love it. And somehow I got the first chapter out of this.

The point of that is pretty much it's an outline, but it's also kind of fun since it's so casual, so I've found it helps to motivate me to write new parts of the story bc I'm engaged by the strange wording I use on the outline. I also use this doc for title planning and other stuff I have to figure out beforehand. For example, I wrote the poem in Shady Business on an outline doc.

I then transfer this over to the story doc in an actual storytelling format. Most of my writing comes out of absolutely nowhere and idk what to say about it. I'll word-vomit for about ten minutes and get a page, look at it, and go 'oh hey, why isn't that horrible?'. I'm also super conversational in my writing, which helps it flow better. I always thought that made my writing hard to read, but a lot of people have actually said they like my writing style so I guess it's not that bad! I just treat it as if I'm telling the story over a cup of coffee. As for representing the character well (because they are real characters), I just try to get into their mindset as much as possible. I don't really have any specific way I do that, though. I recently had to create a fake "Am I the Asshole" post for Mike so I could try to understand his feelings on something better within myself (made it on the outline doc!).

After the initial word vomit of a chapter, I'll go back and read it over, adding or taking away what I see fit and fixing initial spelling mistakes and making sure it reads well. I don't have a beta reader (I wish I did), so I've gotta just assume it's readable and go with it. After the initial fixes, I'll read it over again just to make sure. I only fix all the spelling mistakes by the time I go to publish because I use Grammarly on the Ao3 post thing lol. By that point, it's only like 4 mistakes left anyway (and the stuff Grammarly says is incorrect but I don't care bc it sounds good and I can do what I want).

I also highlight my little outline as I go (usually in green bc byler brainrot, you can see it in the image) and it helps me visualize my progress and keep going!

But, yeah. That's pretty much the entire process and I have no better explanation than it's simply a dumpster fire of improv and weird pieces of moment I have glued together in my brain. It's arts and crafts, at the best, but somehow I pull it together and create a story!

As for motivation, most of it's four things. One, the anticipation of writing scenes I really want to. Two, telling myself I'm gonna get fun comments and reading old comments (I thrive off of positive feedback from poeple). Three, a specialized playlist for the fic. I make playlists for my stories with songs I like that fit the overall vibe and sometimes I get inspiration from them and it gives me new ideas. And four, probably the most important, I just really like writing. It's my favorite things ever to just put words on a page and make a story out of it. It's so fun and so cool and so magical and I love it.

And that's about it. The end. That's my writing process. It doesn't really make much sense, but I guess it works, so it works for me! If you're looking to improve your own completion rate, I mean, maybe try some of it, but it's really a personal preference. You've gotta do tril and error. And I've really gotta work on slowing down anyway because I can totally rush writing a fic and end up making it a lot less than it could have been if I took more time. And If you're not feeling motivated to write, don't force it. Seriously. Things like I suggested totally help me keep up with it, but what I hate more than anything is stuff I wrote when I didn't want to write. It's just... uninspired.

Okay! Thank you so much for asking that! Hopefully this long rant of nonsense (omg like my writing) answered your question! Sorry I wrote an essay!

[scummy-writes]

Gonna reblog this one to maybe help folks be less shy about goin on and on about their ocs.

So! Ive been talking about them for a few days, but I'll ramble some more.

Anju - First OC for any ikeseries game. She was originally supposed to be for Shingen, and I used her attitude for some fanfics (there was a prompt response I did years ago about Shingen loving a prostitute or something? And the way the woman shut him down was Anju's type of personality.)

She's not for sen anymore, and I switched to her still constantly skeptical of any love proclamations, but now she is for Arthur and sometimes I muse her being with Theo or Vincent.

Out of all my Oc's, she's the most independent, but she also is so to an unhealthy degree. She owns her own place and store (she mends and makes clothes, very based on sen mc in that regard). It comes into play when others try to help her, or when she shuts out others because she doesnt wanna deal with peoples perception of her once the rose tinted glasses come off. Outside of romance, she is kind in an older adult woman kind of manner, where she still has very clear boundries but still helps when she can.

Amélie - a mess but more put together. I think out of all of them, i have done the most with her. Scraps of her story is on AO3 under Patchworked Pieces. Trauma is high for her, and recent, so it prompts a lot of her actions. She is for Isaac and sometimes Isaac and Arthur.

I think she is pretty nice... helpful, encouraging... in all honesty, as much as I love her, I recognize she is pretty bland and mainly just her trauma and the process of getting over it while healing with Isaac. There were supposed to be a lot of scenes of them helping each other back and forth. I think I've talked more in depth about her on random posts under the 'scums babs' tag.

Constance - wew. I am still working her out. So far I am trying to get her more independent than Amélie, but not an unhealthy degree like Anju. I am experimenting with an Oc that has selective mutism, and knows sign language- which is a struggle, as I am consistently worried about writing something harmful in that regard on accident.

She'a supposed to be for Gilbert. At her very first concept, before I was into Gilbert, she was supposed to be for Clavis.... well.... <:) sorry bud. She also has a few creative outlets that she doesn't actively pursue as any sort of career, just enjoys them on her spare time. Writing, drawing, poems occasionally? I thought it would be cute in general, but paired with Gilbert I thought it was really cute.

She's actually the first oc I've made a sideblog for, @c-bookwyrm . I thought about setting it up as an askblog, with posts in her pov, but instead I've been posting random short (short) writings about experiences in her life, as I come up with them. They're not reviewed, often I write them late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping, and... i dont know. I have 6 followers on that blog, and so I don't feel scared to write blurbs that sound bad. It's been a good exercise in being less scared of just writing whatever and not being scared of people being jerks randomly. (Which doesnt happen on this blog often now, but it has happened a lot in the past). Helps me fight the inner anxiety demons *nods*. Its smth I would encourage if you have ocs and some anxieties about writing, just having a sideblog to explore various things about them without any worries.

Now for Villains, I don't have an oc yet. But given my small experiences with the game, I think it would be fun to try and make an Oc that is... more angry? Anju does get angry more than the other two, but I think for Villains, it would be a fun enviroment to test that in.

Question of The Day

Do you have an OC for any of these games? Tell us about them! Are they romantically involved with any of the suitors, or just besties with your fave? Do you have drawings or descriptions of them? What are they like?

╰❧ Daily Q's can be answered with your voice- or your OC's!

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