#i. ❝ ... now i'm free. ❞ ﹕⠀ zhao.

[syoul]

rants rambles etc are going to be over on @luziun from now on for organizing reasons!

[system-to-the-madness]

Hello, Zuko here - Zuko x Reader

Word Count: 4 919 Warnings: mentions of: burn wounds, war, death, looting Summary: Zuko attempts to join Team Avatar to teach Aang firebending A/N: Can be read as a oneshot; Part Four of the series Perfect (10 times Zuko thought you were perfect and the first time he told you) Dividers: original by @thecutestgrotto edit by me (colour only)

“Hello, Zuko here.”

He had never seen anyone draw their weapon as quickly as you in that moment. Not even Azula or any of the special divisions he had trained with as a child. Impressive. And slightly scary considering you were fully prepared to all-out attack him.

No, now was not the moment to think about his stupid little crush on you. Stupid because he had never even really had a conversation with you yet. When he had rescued the Avatar and you from Admiral Zhao, he had not talked, when he had run into you at the north pole, you had only threatened him, and when he had gone to rescue the Sky Bison, you had not exactly had a conversation either and instead focused on saving the Sky Bison, which now, with slow and surprisingly light-weight steps walked over to him.

No, no, no, he had to stop getting distracted. The reason why he had come here was far bigger, far more important than just you or him. This was about helping the Avatar save the world.

“Hey, I heard you guys flying around down there, so, I just thought I'd wait for you here,” Zuko’s eyes helplessly flickered over to you, as if he expected you to help him out. He jumped, startled, when the Sky Bison roared at him, irritated when it suddenly licked him along his whole side. The second lick was only focused on Zuko’s face, and he surprised himself with the realization, that he didn’t really mind the warm salvia that was now sticking to his skin, and only wiped it away so it wouldn’t run into his eyes or mouth. “I know you must be surprised to see me here.”

“Not really, since you've followed us all over the world.” The reply came from the Water Tribe boy.

“Right.” Zuko averted his gaze. “Well, uhhh ... anyway ... what I wanted to tell you about is that I've changed.” He looked back up, finally feeling like he was actually able to say what he had come here for. Your eyes were narrowed at him, but you seemed willing to listen, more willing than the others anyway. “And I, uhhh, I'm good now, and well I think I should join your group, oh, and I can teach Fire Bending. To you.”

The surprise at the offer was openly displayed in the Avatar’s face.

“See, I uhhh-”

“You wanna what now?” The little girl in green, probably the Earth Bender of the group, had spoken, immediately backed up by the Water Tribe girl.

“You can't possibly think that any of us would trust you, can you? I mean, how stupid do you think we are?”

“I think we should hear him out,” you interrupted, making Zuko hopefully look over to you. But unlike he had hoped your expression was not soft or gentle, only calculating. Yeah, okay, he deserved that.

“Are you crazy,” the Water Tribe boy asked. “All he’s ever done is hunt us down and try to capture Aang!”

So, the Avatar’s name was Aang?

“I've done some good things,” Zuko quickly spoke up. “I mean, I could have stolen your bison in Ba Sing Se, but I helped to set him free. That's something!”

The Sky Bison licked him again, this time over the back. He wondered how long it would take to get the salvia washed out of his clothes again. Was it even worth the time trying? Would that bison keep licking him if he got to join the group? Maybe he should just get a raincoat.

“Appa does seem to like him,” the Earth Kingdom girl pointed out.

“You didn’t exactly do a lot to help,” you accused, ignoring the girl’s comment, taking a challenging step forward. “You mostly argued with your uncle about… what was it? Honour? Destiny?”

Zuko groaned quietly, but also couldn’t pretend you were wrong; he hadn’t been exactly helpful that day.

“He probably just covered himself in honey or something,” the Water Tribe boy claimed, ignoring your words entirely. “So that Appa would lick him. I'm not buying it.”

“I can understand why you wouldn't trust me,” Zuko agreed, seeing little sense in focusing on your words. It seemed like you were the most willing to give him a chance, so he had to work on convincing the others first. “And I know I've made some mistakes in the past.”

“Like when you attacked our village,” the Water Tribe boy asked.

“Or when you stole my mother's necklace and used it to track us down and capture us,” the Water Tribe girl – was she the boy’s sister? – shouted.

“Look, I admit I've done some awful things,” Zuko lowered his head, clasping his hand in his hair. Really though, what had he been thinking that whole time? Never once questioning his own actions, only stubbornly, naively, focused on his goal to capture the Avatar. “I was wrong to try to capture you, and I'm sorry that I attacked the Water Tribe. And I never should have sent that Fire Nation assassin after you. I'm going to try and stop-”

“Wait,” the Water Tribe boy interrupted him, pulling out his boomerang. “You sent Combustion Man after us?”

Zuko looked back up, with the distinct feeling he had just somehow said the exactly wrong thing. “Well, that’s not his name, but-”

“Oh, sorry,” the boy spit sarcastically. “I didn’t mean to insult your friend!”

“He’s not my friend,” Zuko shouted angrily. Why was this conversation going so, so differently from how he had imagined it to go? Why couldn’t they see he just wanted to make up for his past mistakes and help them? They didn’t have to like or even trust him. They just had to let him teach the Avatar – Aang – whatever he knew about Fire Bending so he would stand a chance against Ozai!

“If he’s not your friend,” you asked, the anger in your eyes blazing dangerously, making Zuko take a step back. “Then tell him to back off!”

“That guy locked me and Katara in jail and tried to blow us all up,” the Earth Kingdom girl shouted.

Zuko took a deep breath before turning towards Aang.

“Why aren't you saying anything?” In the end, it came down to the Avatar’s – Aang’s – decision. Zuko was sure that if the- if Aang decided he’d accept him as a teacher, the other’s might argue, but ultimately not object to his decision. “You once said you thought we could be friends. You know I have good in me.”

Aang looked over to his friends, the Water Tribe girl staring at Zuko hostilely, the Earth Kingdom girl focusing at a point on the floor, the Water Tribe boy shaking his head and you, you still watching Zuko as if you could read his thoughts if you only tried hard enough.

“There’s no way we can trust you after everything you’ve done,” the Avatar – Aang – decided. “We’ll never let you join us.”

Somehow it felt like the fragile ground of the Air Temple was giving way underneath Zuko’s feet. After all he had done, after all the battles he had fought, all the pain and rejection and self-hatred he had lived through, not even the people he had put his last bit of hope in seemed to see any chance of redemption for him.

“You need to get out of here,” the Water Tribe girl commanded. “Now.”

“I’m trying to explain that I’m not that person anymore,” Zuko shouted desperately, trying not to let the hurt and disappointment overwhelm him, his eyes helplessly searching for yours. You were still watching him, but something in your gaze had changed. That cold, calculating glimmer was gone, instead replaced by something that almost resembled pity.

It seemed like you were taking a deep breath in, getting ready to speak up, but the Water Tribe boy interrupted you before you even opened your mouth.

“Either you leave, or we attack.” The boy took a threatening step forward, pointing his boomerang at Zuko, his sharp and deadly looking boomerang.

“If you won't accept me as a friend,” Zuko knelt down on the ground, holding his hands over his head while facing the ground, offering them his wrists to bind them, “then maybe you'll take me as a prisoner.”

It was the only thing he could think of to do. He couldn’t go back home, not after he had very clearly declared himself as his father’s enemy. He didn’t know where his uncle had gone to, after breaking out of that prison cell before Zuko had tried to free him. And if the Avatar and his friends rejected him as a new member of their group, then he had nowhere to go. He had always felt alone, from a young age on, having grown up without any other boys to play with, only his cruel sister and her friends. Then his mother had disappeared, and he had felt even lonelier. That had been before his father, his own father, had exiled him. Back then he had thought he had lost everything, never realizing just how important his uncle had been to him, how he had looked out for him like a father was supposed to. He had never appreciated his uncle, and now he was gone, too. Zuko would rather be a prisoner than walk out of here and have no place to go, nowhere to belong, nobody to go home to.

“No, we won't!” The Water Tribe girl threw a wave of water at him, throwing him backwards, where he sat up in a puddle, drenched and with the distinct feeling that there simply was no end to this endless string of rejections he had lived through all his life. “Get out of here, and don't come back!”

Zuko turned around, laying in the puddle on the floor, staring up at the group. Aang and the two Water Tribe kids were staring him down with unveiled hatred in their eyes, the Earth Kingdom girl having taken a similar stance.

Only you seemed to be uncertain. It was not hard to tell that you were torn between agreeing with your friends and giving him a chance. But if he were in your position… he wouldn’t give himself a chance either. In fact, he probably long would have agreed with the others.

 “And if we ever see you again-” The Water Tribe girl seemed to try thinking of a good threat, but being unable to come up with anything, she continued: “Well, we'd better not see you again!”

Her brother took another threatening step towards Zuko, who quickly averted his gaze. Crawling backwards a bit, he slowly, carefully, got up, so they wouldn’t think he might try attacking them, before turning his back on them and walking away, each of his steps making his boots squelch from the water the girl’s attack had washed into them.

Had never felt as awkward in his life as the moment he was approaching the team around the Avatar in the ruins of the Western Air Temple. The setting sun was painting everything golden, drawing long shadows over the floors. His hands were tender from where he had caught the vine, after the Fire Nation assassin had kicked him over the ledge. Small scraps littered his palms, and he knew they would keep burning for a while.

He wasn’t disillusioned enough to hope that the Avatar would accept him into his group now, or that the Water Tribe girl might heal those scraps, as she had offered to try with his scar.

All he wanted… he just wanted them to give him a chance. He had tried to prove himself, that he was different now. That he had burnt the Earth Bender girl’s feet by accident obviously didn’t exactly speak in his favour. But still- a sense of silent pride washed over him as he looked up and found you were watching him approach with a small smile on your lips.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but-” the Avatar – Aang, his name was Aang – took a deep breath. “Thanks, Zuko.”

“Hey, what about me?” The Water Tribe boy immediately began complaining. “I did the boomerang thing.”

“Listen, I know I didn't explain myself very well yesterday,” Zuko began, hoping this time his explanation was somewhat more coherent than the previous one. He searched for your eyes, finding you were watching him expectantly. “I've been through a lot in the last few years, and it's been hard. But I'm realizing that I had to go through all those things to learn the truth. I thought I had lost my honour, and that somehow my father could return it to me.” He looked over the others. Aang listening with an almost determined expression, the two water tribe members frowning at him, the Earth Bending girl sitting on a rock. “But I know now that no one can give you your honour. It's something you earn for yourself, by choosing to do what's right.” He took a deep breath. “All I want to do now is play my part in ending this war, and I know my destiny is to help you restore balance to the world.”

It felt like he had never meant anything as much as this. Far too long had he tried to play along to his father’s rules, far too long had he been fooled into believing that only the reign of the Fire Nation over the world could mean a peaceful world. But if he had learnt anything in the past three, almost four years, then it was that the attack of the Fire Nation on the other nations had disturbed the balance, that all nations needed to exist in peace for there to be balance. And he was ready to help restore that balance.

It felt like the thick fog clouding his mind had finally lifted. And if he wanted to help, he had to start making up for the mistakes of his past self. Turning to the Earth Bending girl, he said: “I'm sorry for what I did to you.” Placing his right fist against his left hand, he bowed to her. “It was an accident. Fire can be dangerous and wild, so as a Fire Bender, I need to be more careful and control my bending, so I don't hurt people unintentionally.”

“I think you are supposed to be my Fire Bending teacher.”

Zuko’s eyes snapped over to the- to Aang. Did he actually mean that? Was he really going to accept Zuko’s offer?

“When I first tried to learn Fire Bending,” Aang continued, even though the two Water Tribe siblings seemed shocked, “I burned Katara.” So that was the Water Bending girl’s name. Katara. “And after that, I never wanted to Fire Bend again. But now I know you understand how easy it is to hurt the people you love. I'd like you to teach me.”

Aang bowed deeply before Zuko, who had listened attentively, unable to believe the boy’s words. Were his efforts really paying off?

Quickly Zuko bowed back. “Thank you,” Zuko smiled relieved. “I’m so happy you’ve accepted me into your group.” For once in his life, he’d get to be part of a group he actually wanted to belong to, a group he was part of because he had asked to be part of, not because he had been assigned a part in it.

“Not so fast,” Aang disagreed. Maybe Zuko had let excitement and relief take over too quickly. “I still have to ask my friends if it’s okay with them.”

Oh no, that would probably not end well for Zuko. Yesterday, before he had hurt the Earth Bender, it might have been two against two, the Water Tribe siblings against you and the Earth Bender. But after he had hurt that girl, there was no way she would speak in his favour now.

“Toph,” Aang turned to the Earth Bender. Toph? Another name to add to the list. (y/n), Aang, Toph and Katara. “You're the one that Zuko burned. What do you think?”

Zuko held his breath, feeling his heart pick up speed. If she denied-

“Go ahead and let him join,” the girl answered in an almost indifferent tone. “It'll give me plenty of time to get back at him for burning my feet,” she added, pounding her fist against her palm and Zuko could only hope she’d go easy on him. She was a powerful Earth Bender after all, and there was only so much he could do against a boulder crashing down on him.

Aang nodded at the Earth Bender’s words before turning to the Water Tribe boy.

“Sokka?”

So that was the boy’s name. Now Zuko only had to memorise the names.

Sokka glared at Zuko for a moment before shrugging. “Hey, all I want is to defeat the Fire Lord. If you think this is the way to do it, then, I'm all for it.”

Zuko released a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding, before his eyes moved onto the next person in the group. The Water Tribe girl.

“Katara?”

Zuko tensed up under her intense stare and he was only glad she couldn’t shoot fire from her eyes, otherwise he’d be well done by now.

“I'll go along with whatever you think is right,” she finally declared reluctantly.

“(y/n),” Aang turned to you. “What do you think? You said he tried to free Appa, but you were right about what you said earlier about his uncle.”

Zuko, who had almost dared relaxing, certain you wouldn’t object to him joining the group, froze. What had you said about him and his uncle? After he had convinced all the others that he could teach the Avatar Fire Bending, would you veto their decision?

With bated breath he turned to you. Your smile from before had disappeared entirely and instead you were chewing on your bottom lip, mustering Zuko with a gaze as cold as ice.

“You betrayed your own uncle,” you accused, watching his face carefully. “We were beginning to think we might be able to trust you and you betrayed your uncle, who accompanied you all this time. We can't know you won’t do the same to us as well.”

Zuko stared at you, horrified. The problem was you were not wrong. He had betrayed his uncle. He wanted to explain that he had clung to the stupid and naïve idea that he could go back home to his father and sister, and finally be accepted, be loved. But it felt like his tongue was as heavy as lead, making it impossible for him to speak and explain himself. But it didn’t seem like you were expecting an explanation anyway, because after a short moment you continued.

“We can’t know you won’t betray us. But I trust you won’t, so you better not let me down.” Zuko lifted his head, staring at you in disbelief. What did this mean? Did this mean you really- “Welcome to Team Avatar,” you finished.

Zuko felt like a weight was falling off his shoulders. “I won’t let you down,” he exclaimed excitedly, approaching the group. “I promise!”

Before he could reach them, they turned away, walking towards the inside of the temple, Sokka carrying Toph. You were the only one who shot him a last glance over your shoulder, and suddenly Zuko realized that this had only been the first step. He might have been accepted into the group, but he still was not a part of it. He still had to prove himself first. By all the spirits, he was tired. All this time he had done nothing but trying to prove himself, first to his father, now to the Avatar’s team. Well, he could still hold out a little longer, put in a little more work.

Zuko sat on his bed, holding the portrait of his uncle in his hands. Katara’s threat from before still echoed in his mind. The light outside had dimmed enough for the room to be covered in a mysterious twilight, blurring the lines of the simple portrait enough that if he hadn’t known Uncle Iroh’s face as well as he did, he might not have recognized it.

Was he ever going to see him again? Where was he now? And if he saw him again, would he forgive him? Zuko shook his head. There were other things to worry about right now.

He had to show the others that he was loyal to them. Whatever it took for them to believe him, he had to do it. No matter how dangerous or risky or stupid it might seem, he had to prove himself to them. And he had to find a good way to teach Aang Fire Bending. After all, that was why they had accepted him in the first place: Because he was their best chance at Aang learning Fire Bending. If he couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t earn his stay in the group.

A knock on the closed door startled him, and quickly he sat up straight.

“Yes,” he called, curious to see who had come to look for him.

Much to his delight, it was you, who poked her head into his spacious room. A smile pulled at his lips, and Zuko realized having joined the Avatar had the previously unconsidered advantage that he’d get to see you now every day.

Zuko’s happiness was only short lived though, because a moment later he remembered your words from before, how you had reminded everybody, how you had reminded him – of his betrayal of his uncle. You were not the person he had begun imagining throughout all these nights in which he had felt so lonely and desperate for the faintest slither of approval and sympathy.

You were a young girl who had joined the Avatar, for whatever reason, and spent the past months fearlessly facing off against the most capable Fire Benders and the biggest army in the world, determined to defend your friends. You were so much more than whatever he had conjured up for his own comfort.

Your brows furrowed as you watched his smile fall, tilting your head at him.

“You okay,” you asked, making Zuko flinch.

“Yeah,” he quickly answered, “I’m fine, what’s up.”

“Dinner’s almost ready,” you let him know, clearly not believing his answer. Considering he had lived undercover as Lee from his uncle’s tea shop, he was still a surprisingly bad liar. “But… I wanted to talk to you before that. Can I come in?”

A mixture of excitement and anxiety settled in Zuko’s stomach, but he nodded, jumping up from his bed to invite you in.

“What did you want to talk about,” he asked, hoping he wasn’t digging his own grave.

“Just-” you shrugged, stepping into the room and closing the door behind you. “I know I was pretty hard on you earlier. You saved our lives out there. I shouldn’t have brought your uncle back up.”

“You had every right to,” Zuko denied. “I know you are taking a risk by giving me a chance. For all you know, I could just send a messenger hawk and give your location away to my father.”

“Will you?”

Zuko stared at you for a moment. Did you really think he would do that?

“No,” he answered incredulously. “I told you: I’m with you now. I want to help the Avatar bring down my father and end this war, so the world can shift back into balance.”

You shrugged. “I got no choice but to believe you.”

“That’s not true,” Zuko disagreed. “You could have said you don’t trust me. Earlier, you could have told the others you don’t want me in your group.”

“And send away the best chance we have, to teach Aang Fire Bending? I don’t think so. Besides,” you sighed and leant against the wall by the door, “I believe you. That you want this war to end, I mean.”

“Why?”

You shrugged, taking in Zuko’s form as he was helplessly standing in the middle of the room. “There’s something different about you. Makes me want to give you a chance.”

Zuko nodded, watching as you absentmindedly reached for the fire pendant on the leather strap around your neck. He had seen you wear it before, that time he had gotten you out of Zhao’s prison.

“Are you Fire Nation,” he asked before he had even thought his question through.

“What makes you say that,” you asked back, almost defensively now.

“The pendant,” he explained. “You wore it when I got you and the Avatar out of Zhao’s prison.”

“His name’s Aang.”

“What?”

“The Avatar’s name. It’s Aang,” you repeated.

“Oh, yeah. I know.”

“Then use it. But you’re right. I’m Fire Nation,” you answered. “Or at least I was born as Fire Nation. My family moved to one of the new colonies when I was very little, but my dad died shortly after.”

“I’m sorry,” Zuko mumbled. He knew what it was like to lose a parent.

“It was awful,” you agreed. “He got very sick, and there was nothing the doctors could do. A while after, my mum remarried, a man from the Earth Kingdom, and we moved away from the colony. We had to hide we were Fire Nation, but we were happy. At least until my brother died. He died in the war. He stayed behind in Yu Dao and joined the Fire Nation army.”

Zuko watched how you tensed up, your hand tightly closed around the pendent now. “He gave me this,” you added, lifting your fist. “It’s the only thing I have left of my family. And he died for nothing.”

“Don’t say that,” Zuko disagreed. “I’m sure that through his sacrifice he saved others. It’s little comfort but-”

“No,” you shook your head. “His whole unit got wiped out. The whole 41rst.”

Zuko froze. The 41rst? The unit he had tried to speak up for in his father’s war council? The unit he had tried to protect and been sent to an Agni Kai for, been exiled for? He wanted to tell you, wanted to tell you that he had tried to speak up against the unit’s sacrifice, but he kept the knowledge to himself. It made no difference whether you knew or not. And even if you would believe him, it was too early to share this fact with you. Instead, he just swallowed thickly.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“You weren’t the one slaughtering him, were you,” you asked, shaking your head with a sigh. “It only got worse after that. Last year the Fire Nation attacked out village. I was in the forest, so I wasn’t there when they burnt down the house. They killed both my mother and my stepfather. I don’t know what happened to my sister.”

“You have a sister?”

“Have, had, I don’t know. She might be dead for all I know. If she’s not, she’s probably with the Fire Nation now. She’s my half-sister. If she’s alive, she’d be six now.”

“Why did the Fire Nation attack your village,” Zuko asked, trying not to picture what the Fire Nation would do to the children of the enemy.

“I think they were just claiming new territory. They never cared how many people they had to kill in order to advance with their plan to take over the world.”

Zuko lowered his head. He had been so oblivious all these years, never caring about anybody other than himself, refusing to see the destruction his father’s plans rained on the world.

“You’ve been through a lot,” he admitted, lifting his head again to look at you. Your hair was falling down past your shoulders, unbound now and reflecting the blue light of the evening. You looked eternal in the twilight, and even though pain was swimming in your eyes, Zuko could also see the strength it had taken you to keep fighting all the time. He admired your resilience, he admired you. You were perfect in his eyes, strong and still gentle, hurt so many times but never bitter, a fighter, who after all the evil you had seen still believed in the good in people. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have given him a chance.

“We all have been through a lot,” you replied. “You too, you said so yourself.”

Zuko nodded. “But it feels like all the bad things in my life were something I caused myself. Your family has been a playball of my father’s.”

“I don’t believe that you are to blame for all the bad things that happened to you,” you disagreed. “You – just like all of us – are just a product of the adults who raised you. And-”

You got interrupted by a voice shouting for you.

“Dinner’s ready!”

“That’s Sokka,” you concluded. “Let’s go, before he and Aang finish everything before we even get a chance.” You pushed away from the wall and opened the door before turning to Zuko again. “Don’t be too harsh on yourself,” you told him. “And don’t focus too much on the past. There’s nothing you can change about it now. Help us change the future instead.”

And with those words you slipped out of the room, leaving Zuko wondering whether his uncle’s spirit had possessed you there for a moment before he quickly hurried after you, looking forward to whatever there would be served for dinner.

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[kseniyagreen]

Maybe I'm digging too deep, but it seems to me that Bai Jiu and Ying Lei are also, in some way, mirrors to Zhuo Yichen and Zhao Yuanzhou (and even the age difference as it is felt in the drama is close to that felt between Zhuo Yichen and Zhao Yuanzhou, only about ten years earlier).

More specifically, it seems to me that these two characters to some extent personify the childish part of the main characters' souls. And if you look at things this way, it becomes more understandable why they are the ones who die out of the whole group. So why do they seem like mirrors to me?

Bai Jiu: a timid, but thoughtful beyond his years, anomaly boy who doesn't know who he is. He is most afraid of getting lost and loves bells. His mother turned into a tree, he blamed a demon for his mother's disappearance, and he almost caused Zhao Yuanzhou's death.

Zhuo Yichen was a timid, but thoughtful beyond his years, anomaly boy who didn't know who he was. He was afraid of getting lost and loved bells. His mother was sick for a long time and when he remembers her, he remembers the smell of herbs. His closest person died, and when Zhuo Yichen remembered him, he hugged a tree. Zhuo Yichen blames the demon for the death of his closest person, and vowed to kill Zhao Yuanzhou.

Quite a few coincidences, aren't they?

Now Ying Lei. A kind, friendly, playful young man who grew up in a demon reservation. Duty and obligation by birth bind him to his home, but he would like to live a free life in the human world. Also reminiscent of Zhao Yuanzhou.

But the most important part of mirroring is that they seem to take on the death of the main characters.

Ying Lei died after being pierced by Li Lun's sprout. Dying (in Yichen's arms), he says almost the same words as Zhao Yuanzhou: "Aren't I amazing?" And with him, the youthful part of Zhao Yuanzhou's soul dies.

Bai Jiu dies at the moment when Zhuo Yichen decides to sacrifice himself. And his death feels like a final farewell to childhood for Zhuo Yichen. A farewell and, at the same time, a meeting with the pain of loss that had been frozen in Zhuo Yichen for eight years.

[dumbkiri]

𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝟐

Highly requested and I am so sorry it took forever to get this out. I'm still a bit unhappy with this work and I need to get back into the Batboys and their behaviors lol

For now enjoy this part two of Blood Siblings

"You need to strike with more force, [Name]. I haven't seen you this bored since Damian left," Her instructor, Ali, looked at her with his dark brown eyes. His arms fell down at his sides and he set the bottom of his staff down. “Is there anything you-”

“I saw my brother when I left for that short period of time,” [Name] said with her head held down in shame. Her eyes had shown conflict swirling around in the light of the early sun. Her mind was elsewhere and not in her morning training. Her hands wrapped up in white tape screamed at her to use them to fight. 

Her hands knew nothing besides fighting and killing.

Not even the feeling of someone holding it with care and security. 

“And I saw my father. Zhao was going to kill them, but I put a stop to it.” 

She looked up at her instructor and he had his mouth wide open. Then he walked up to her at a brisk pace and set his hands on her shoulder, he whispered, “Does your mother know about this? If she finds out—“ 

“I can handle her punishment, Ali, so there’s no need to worry.” [Name] said looking up at Ali to reassure him. Talia wasn’t the greatest mother, she rarely showed any affection toward her. But she did have her moments. “Damian looked at me in disgust as if I was the one who did something bad. I killed our enemy and saved them by being overrun. So why?” 

Ali moved back and set his hands on his hips in thought. He put his hand under his chin and said, “It’s because he doesn’t have that drive to kill anymore. We don’t have to fight our enemies over and over again because we put an end to their lives. Damian fights in a different way, one that doesn’t really benefit him.” 

“But killing is wrong to him and…” [Name] looked at Ali and whispered to him, “My father said that I was welcomed. That I could be there with him, with my brother.”The hopeful look in her eyes shattered upon seeing her instructor’s face.  

Ali’s eyes grew big and wide as saucers. He shook his head in denial and replied to her ridiculous statement, “You can’t do that, [Name]. Your mother will hunt you down and punish you. Talia will not forgive you for running away, she already gave up on one of her children. She won’t give up on you.” 

[Name] knew Ali was right, maybe that’s why she had this terrible feeling in her gut. She could never be free. She felt like a lioness trapped in a cage pacing back and forth memorizing the perimeter. “I know that, Ali.”

“You know what?” A curt voice cut through their conversation.

[Name] and Ali turned their attention to Talia who stood at the entrance of the training area. The daughter sighed and showed her bandaged hands to her mother, “Ali was reminding me that I should strike with more force. But I don’t know how hard I’m hitting when I can’t feel the pain.”

“Obviously not hard enough if your instructor is telling you,” Talia put her hands on her hips leaning on her right leg. Her eyes were dead set on [Name] and the younger female felt suspicious of her mother. Ali noticed the tension and he brought out some tape taking [Name]’s shaky hands in his. “[Name] let me rewrap your hands. It seems the ones you are wearing are too bloody.” 

[Name] pulled her hand back and said, “I’m fine, Ali. Let’s continue with-”

“No.” Talia said sternly. The older female walked down the stairs with a dark look across her face. Ali immediately took a step back feeling the wrath from Talia come off in waves. [Name] felt it too, but she stood her ground. She wasn’t going to back down from her mother. She would go through torture to keep her pride. Not that the beating did anything to her when she couldn’t feel pain. 

[Name] didn’t dare speak first to her mother and waited for the woman to speak her mind. To ask her questions.

“I know you killed Zhao, many of the assassins that accompanied you two mentioned how you were the one who brought him down.”

“I had a perfect reason to stop him, “ [Name] stated looking at her mother with determined eyes. 

“And what was that reason?” Talia asked with gritted teeth. Her anger showed and it was as if she wasn’t trying to hide it. 

[Name] swallowed the lump in her throat, “Zhao was planning to kill Damian. I stopped him from committing that treason. I won’t allow scum like Zhao to end my brother.” The bracelet she wore around her ankle while training reminded her of her bond with her brother. Despite not helping her a lot himself, she would do anything for Damian. Anything for approval because she knew life with the League wasn’t worth it. 

Obviously Damian thought the same because he never returned. 

Talia raised her hand and back handed the girl with a scowl on her face. “Zhao was ordered to kill Damian, you stupid girl. He had to do it to show his loyalty to you and you killed the man who was going to be your husband.” 

[Name] spit some blood on the cement floor and glared back at her mother. Talia wiped her hand and the scowl on her face never disappeared. “That look,” Talia muttered, “that’s how your father and brother stare at me.”

[Name] straightened out her back and said, “I understand why they do. You’re a monster.” 

Talia laughed and replied back, “My daughter, you will receive that same look from them when you show them your true colors.”

Then everything happened so fast. Ali yelled out her name and [Name] saw many assassins attack Ali with incredible speed coming out of their hiding spots. [Name] took a giant leap toward her mentor, but she was tackled by two other assassins. Quickly, one had sedated her, stabbing her arm with the needle of the syringe. 

She watched as Ali defended himself from his once comrades. 

Talia stepped over to [Name]’s slumped body and said, “I will break your spirit and you’ll become a ghost again. You brought this pain and suffering onto yourself.” 

[Name] could hear Ali’s grunts of pain and suffering. The kicks and punches the assassins delivered. They were merciless. They were demons. Ali’s blood was…everywhere. On his clothing, his body, on their fists and shoes, on the cement floor. She could only watch as she was pinned down. [Name] stopped struggling seeing the life leave Ali’s eyes and his body fell to the floor with a thump. Her heart raced from the disgusting sight. 

Her mentor, the only one who cared for her in this godforsaken place, had died right in front of her. She was woken from her sad state when Talia struck her face with her shoe. Blood leaving her nose and a bruise formed on her cheek. “Don’t worry, darling,” Talia crouched down in front of her and [Name] stared at her with a heated look, “Ali is in a better place now. But you, your punishment starts here and you’re working for me.” 

……

“You are going to pose as a captive of Joker.”

[Name] sat strapped onto a wooden chair. Bruises decorated her body in various places, but that didn’t bother her. The thing that irritated her was the mucky environment and the stench of dead bodies at her feet. 

“We need him to lure out your father and your brother.”

She looked around the living room she was stuck in for 4 days and began counting the seconds in her head, never stopping. It was how she kept track of the time, how much longer that psychotic man and his even crazier girlfriend would walk in with a bottle of water for her. 

“This…man…you will not lay a hand on him. You will need to keep him in front of you and bring your father into the light. Make him vulnerable and when the moment is right, kill him.”

[Name] heard the creak of the door first before it slammed open revealing the green haired man and his crooked smile. He held a bottle of water in his right hand and he dragged a mallet in his left. She knew that the mallet belonged to his woman; Harley Quinn. 

She waited for him to smack that thing across her face like he did to the dead ones at her feet. But Joker had something else in mind as the mallet glided across the wood floor. He set it up against the wall and chuckled, sitting down right next to it. 

“It’s been two days, little killer,” Joker taunted, holding the water bottle in the air, “two days since you’ve drank your last sip of water and four days since you’ve eaten.”

[Name] knew that, but kept her mouth closed. She hated talking in general, most of all this guy wasn’t someone she wanted to talk to. Her eyes flitted across the room and to the wall opposite of Joker. Another body, most recent, was a woman wearing a pale pink pencil skirt and a white button up shirt. Her heels were on the floor that were kicked off in her struggle to keep the largest of thugs Joker owned off her. 

But she wasn’t much of a warrior. She was an innocent woman that worked for the wrong man, Bruce Wayne. [Name] remembers her screams and the sound she made when the thug slammed her body on the wooden table that matched the small decorations of the chair she was strapped to. 

She remembered the sound of her skull being crushed by Harley Quinn’s evil swing of the malicious mallet. They all laughed when the table broke from the force and the smashed brains scattered in that area. 

The flashbacks of it all came to a stop when thunder rolled and lightning flashed lighting the small apartment up more. “You’re just like him, you know?” Joker said as he put his hand underneath his chin and his elbow rested on his knee. He scrutinized her. 

[Name] just hummed in response and Joker jumped up excitedly. He pointed the water bottle in her direction with a maniacal laugh, “There! Right there, little killer! That hum you made as a response to my statement sent shivers down my spine. That look you give when you want water too! Oh my, I just want to carve you up for him!”

Just like that, Joker dropped the water bottle on the floor and strode over to her with quickened steps. He pulled out a pocket knife from his purple blazer and pointed the blade at her lips. He grabbed her neck in his gloved hand and slipped upward to her chin. [Name] didn’t move or show fear in her eyes and that made Joker all the more ecstatic. 

“Now smile for me, little killer. Show me what you got,” The purr he let out as he let his fingers glide across her flushed lips was disgusting. [Name] wanted to shove that knife into his eye so badly. “I said,” Joker used both of his thumbs to spread her lips open, showing her pearly white teeth, “to show me your smile.”

“I don’t smile,” [Name] pulled her head away from him and replied coolly and to her surprise, Joker relaxed his tense shoulders. His hands retracted to his sides and he backed up with a less than pleased expression, “He would have shown a smile, I knew he would have. I know him, but you,” Joker drawled out angrily, pointing the knife at her, “I don’t know you. Not yet, at least!” He laughed into the air and he spread his arms out wide. 

“Come in, boys. I wanna see if this little killer can put on the same show he does!”

Ten thugs walked in some holding bats and wrenches in their hands as they filtered in the living room. They stood in a horizontal line behind Joker showing their ugly faces and terrible outfits. They really were crazy people in this awful city. Why would she want to live with her brother and father in this city of filth? 

“Clean up any other mess that tries to dirty you, my girl.”

Then a switch went off, [Name] moved on autopilot. She removed the rope around her torso the day the loonies tied her up there and it felt good when it slid off her body. Joker smiled and began to bow in front of her, “I present to you…the little killer of the desert.”

……

“This is!” Damian slammed his fist on the wall and glared angrily at the Bat Computer. He was enraged seeing the sight on the big screen. A picture of his twin sister tied up to a chair seemingly unconscious and beaten bloody. 

Bruce was just as angry as his son, but he couldn’t let that cloud his judgment. Just what was Talia thinking? “Joker sent this to Gordon stating that he caught an assassin from the League,” Tim piped up looking at Damian who was seething in the corner. 

“What is she doing back in Gotham?” Damian asked himself, removing his fist from the wall. He stalked over to the computer and analyzed the photo closer. “I know she can get out of those ropes, maybe she escaped already. But if that’s true, she wouldn’t hesitate to kill Joker.” 

“Finally, we have someone in the family willing to kill that psychotic clown you call a human being,” Jason, donned in his Red Hood costume, crossed his arms over his chest. Everyone looked back at him and he shrugged his shoulders carelessly, “What? I’m just saying that maybe if you just kill the guy, the city can finally get back on its feet. I died because of him, so cut me some slack when your “morality” is on the line.” 

Bruce stood up and grabbed his cowl, speed walking to the Batmobile. “I want everyone searching for her right now.” Damian followed Bruce, right on his tail and said, “Do you think she came back to live with us?”

Bruce jumped into the Batmobile and Damian did the same. Then Bruce pulled out of the Batcave with Jason and Tim trailing behind on their motorcycles. They were driving anywhere and everywhere for clues on where she could be. The rain slapped the earth with a rageful night of fighting. And Damian had to think, question why his sister came back if not for the first reason he gave out. 

“Your mother wouldn’t have let her go that easily, Damian.” Batman replied after a while of thinking.

“I know that, but I got out. [Name] can do the same and I think she only got caught by Joker to get us out,” Damian speculated with his eyes looking at the streets his father sped by. 

Bruce hummed and opened his mouth to say something, but a man wearing a clown mask jumped in front of the Batmobile with his gun raised high in surrender. Immediately, Bruce yanked the wheel to the left and narrowly dodged the masked man. The Batmobile spun out of control before Bruce used the boosters of the vehicle to spin it in the other direction regaining traction.

It worked and Damian looked at his father with a glare, “And you say I can’t drive.” 

……

“W-we need help,” The clown thug pressed his gun closer to his chest, not wanting Batman or his sidekicks to take the only weapon that can protect him away. “She…she’s killing everyone and she’s too fast. Everything we did…she can’t feel it! Her blood, their blood…it’s everywhere!” The thug cried out and pointed toward the alleyway that he popped out from. 

“Who are you talking about?” Batman asked, but he knew full well who the man was speaking about. [Name] was skilled, maybe even more than Damian. He heard the stories of his daughter and felt guilt for not taking her with him. She must have been on the verge of breaking and tonight Joker broke her. 

“Joker called her The Little Killer of the Desert,” The thug looked around to make sure she wasn’t around to hear him. “And she went on this rampage! We hit her with our best shots and she’s still running around killing all of us!” 

“And what about Joker?” Damian walked up after giving his brothers a heads up about their location and status. 

The thug shook his head and scoffed, “That crazy bastard laughed and for some reason, she left him alone even though he instigated her! I’m telling you, you guys won’t even stand a chance against her.”

Damian rolled his eyes and began walking into the alley filled with determination to save his sister. Their mother must have brainwashed her with a mission and keywords to have her perform a massacre on Joker’s men. 

Damian wasn’t surprised to see a factory in Joker and Harley’s style the more they walked into the area. Neon lights were everywhere as well as clown faces and diamond shapes all over the walls. Then there was a chorus of hoots and hollers from a radio, a fake audience. 

A miniature fighting pit had been made in the center of the apartment complex and right in front of the factory. Then a cry of help was heard before the man choked on a heap of his blood. A katana dug deep into his back, the tip of it connecting with his heart of black. Then it protruded out of his chest covered in blood and rain.

“Oh, come on! Is there anyone out there able to stop her! This is getting boring!” Joker’s voice shouted watching the teenage girl swiftly take her katana back. The body in front of her dropped joining with other dead ones surrounding her. 

Joker stood up from his makeshift throne and pointed over at Damian, “The Boy Wonder! What a crazy match up against my little killer! Come on in and take your best shot, be careful though she has been-” He cackled and gestured to the bodies, “killing all of her opponents!” 

Damian cursed under his breath and looked back at Batman, “I can take her on while you catch Joker na question him on why he had her in the first place.” 

Batman silently stared at Damian and mulled over his words. Then he looked over at Joker saying to the teen, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” 

…

Soon felt like forever especially when Damian struggled to capture his sister. “Is this what Grayson felt like when I first met him?” Damian grunted out when [Name]’s fist made contact with his nose. In his daze, [Name] jumped at him and straddled his waist. Quickly she swiped a kunai from her vest and aimed it at his heart. 

“Snap out of it!” Damian shouted, his hands holding back her own which held tightly onto her kunai. The tip of it touched the tip of his padded armor and he felt her weight pushing forward to drive it into him. She said nothing the entire time she fought him and she still said nothing trying to end his life. 

“This isn’t you!” Damian grunted out, holding her back as much as he could. “I am your brother! You are my sister! Wake up, [Name]!”

She didn’t relent. His words weren’t reaching her. Their mother, their cruel mother must have spent weeks breaking her mind in order for her to forget about him. He yelled out as he forced the kunai away from his chest where his heart lay. His eyes blinked away the rain that fell on his face and her face drowned out in the background. 

Instead his eyes focused on the bracelet he tied around his wrist today. The little charm on it with the button inside gave him some sort of hope. Maybe this could wake her up from this nightmare. Making quick work, Damian let the kunai dig into his right palm and he cried out while pressing the button on the bracelet. 

His blood dripped onto his face as the sound of a small beeping came from her ankle. It beeps continuously and he looked up at her this time, seeing his distraught sister. Not the killer their mother made her to be. The noise, this certain beep, has been her saving grace for a while now. 

“Brother, did you know?” She asked quietly, afraid that somewhere their mother was watching them from afar. She pressed the dagger closer to his chest, keeping up this charade. When Damian subtly shook his head in disagreement, she went on to explain, “Mother brainwashed me with certain words and methods. I killed so many people under the guise of Little Killer of the Desert and I woke up in their blood with their bodies surrounding me. So Ali used the beeps of this charm to snap me out of it. It took trial and error because it had to be activated by you in order for it to ring.” 

[Name] snatched her hands away from Damian’s grasp and with a flash of lightning above their heads, he felt the sharp blade at his neck. “The bracelet went missing for a year, do you remember that? Ali stole it one night and we began training my mind to listen for it. I was sent with Zhao to kill you. But you pressed this charm and snapped me out of my mission. And here I am, on the same mission.”

She backed up and pushed herself off of Damian’s body. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, not when she failed again. “One of us has to die in order for the other to live, Damian,” She dropped her kunai onto the floor and cried, her tears mixing with the rain. She can’t kill her brother, he has a life to live and it’s a fulfilling one. While she…she’s always been a ghost, no one on this planet knows she lives. 

Damian has a family, he has friends and he has enemies that know of him. 

Now [Name] has her brother, only Damian knows how she laughs or how she used to pull pranks on him when they were younger. He knows that she likes to read books, to dive into different worlds that aren't always just about fighting. Damian knows she likes to dream, to dream of a life where she’s in control. 

“It’s me or you, brother,” She swallowed thickly and brought her eyes up to him, “Do you understand?” 

“I understand.” He solemnly whispers and with another flash of lightning, she attacked him. In his defense, Damian picked up the kunai off the floor and raised it up. His instinct had been faster than what his father taught him. The kunai she slipped from her hip didn’t even make it to his heart. But his did with a nasty squelch. 

He refused to move, but she pressed it further into her chest and smiled softly. The relief, it was such a relief to feel the weight of all the ones she killed off her shoulders and back. Blood leaked from the corner of her lips as she said, “Better you than her.” [Name] looked up from his teary eyes and at the woman standing about ten feet away from them. She rather die in her brother’s arms than the woman who claimed to be their mother. 

“Live long, Damian.” [Name] gazed down at his trembling hand that caused her death. Yes, her death would haunt him forever. But he understood what she meant. He had to be the one to end her life. She held his hand tightly in hers and she slumped forward in his sitting position. Her head hit his shoulder and he sat paralyzed in his spot. 

His beating heart pounded louder than the rain hitting the cement. He struggled to breathe because he felt the breath leaving her lungs. He felt her tight grip weakening and her heart slowing down. “No, wait,” Damian pleaded and shoved her backwards, her eyes already closed, “no, this wasn’t- Why! Why would you make me do that!” He shouted in anguish. 

Then the clicking of calculated steps from behind him got louder. Talia was here to collect his sister’s body, probably to drop her in the pit. He couldn’t let that happen. [Name] belonged with him, finally put to rest and to move on. 

Before Talia could reach any closer to her children, a clang of metal pierced the air. A batarang stuck out from the cement, warning Talia not to step any closer to the twins. 

“Back away from them,” A deep voice warned with anger laced in his threatening tone. 

Damian looked up from [Name]’s fatal wound and saw his father emerge from the shadows with a beaten Joker and Harley Quinn. Both criminals were knocked out and captured, his bloody knuckles holding tight onto their leashes. 

“I’m taking her back, she belongs with me” Talia said with a click of her tongue.

Batman dropped the criminals onto the floor and walked with an aura of darkness shrouding him. He stepped right in front of a crouching Damian who held tightly onto [Name]’s dead body. 

“She’s going home with us and having a proper burial. She deserves it,” Batman said.

“You don’t know what the girl deserves!” Talia lashed out, her nails digging into her palms. 

“She’s not your daughter, Talia!” He snapped back. 

“You ruined that the moment she died and you resurrected her in the pit. You forced her into becoming a killing machine, making her forget who she truly was. A girl who loved playing tricks on her brother, a girl who read books to escape her reality and a girl who dreamed of a life that belonged to her. You stripped away my right to being her father and supporting her like I did for her brother. She’s going home where she belongs.”

Talia faltered and looked down at her children. Damian was still in a stump, never moved away from the feuding parents. “How much did he tell you about her?” 

“Everything,” Bruce said with a stern voice, “I wanted to know what my daughter was like. If she had any hobbies or interests besides what you made her do. I wanted to know her just in case she came back with us, just in case she wanted my help getting away from you. I may not have been the greatest father or the best at times, but hearing about you and what you did to [Name]...” 

Bruce wanted to ask how Talia could mistreat [Name] like that. But one look at Damian and he knew he needed to get his son home before he completely broke. 

“She’s an assassin to you, but she’ll be a daughter to me most and foremost.” Bruce declared and Talia scoffed at his words before turning on her heel. If Talia had the League with her, maybe she stood a chance against Batman, but she didn’t. 

With Talia gone, Bruce knelt down in front of his grieving son and placed a hand onto his shoulder to ground him. 

“Damian,” Bruce called out gently, “it’s time to go home.” 

Damian looked down at [Name] and pressed his face into the crook of her neck and let out a wail of sadness. Those words should have been for [Name] too. It was always what she wanted to hear. Instead she lived a life as a ghost. Her name will be remembered only by him and their father. 

He didn't understand why this had to end like this. So why did he tell her he understood?

[hyog-blog]

Fangs of Fortune (ep. 27)

Literally nothing about this show is straight XD Finally, Ying Long mentioned my most favorite word of all time in regards to M/M relationship - zhiji, which, I guess, is closest to the English 'soulmate' or 'confidante' but could mean a whole Universe of things depending on context and the level of closeness between people. But it's much MUCH more than just 'friends'. Although the show does use the term 'pengyou' extensively which I think is basically that - friends and partners, but without the X factor if you know what I mean. But I'm still seeing queer everywhere no matter what they call it omg)))

So, the remnants of Ying Long's soul introduced us to the concept of what Zhuo Yichen's and Zhao Yuanzhou's relationship is actually all about (I gather Ying Long and Bing Yi were about the same judging by the way they interacted and, uh, shared a very similar destiny). Well, we've had the ultimate type of foreshadowing - the very straightforward glimpse into the future where Zhuo Yichen does kill Zhao Yuanzhou, so now it's kind of a given point in time - the suffering is already there, we're just slowly moving towards the inevitable. The show does know how to inflict pain on its viewers D:

How pretty are they as Ying Long and Bing Yi :3 But also, Bing Yi couldn't let Ying Long go and saved a part of his soul for thousands of years D: heartbreak everywhere

But, other than that, this particular episode was so cute, and did we just have a MPREG joke? XD I mean, Mr. Guo must have been protected by some cdrama BL gods and goddesses for this stuff to pass censorship (god bless). It's hilarious XD And Zhuo Yichen calling Zhao Yuanzhou a bad influence on him right after the joke XD I can't with them)))

"We're the same now."

Oh, the moment when ZYZ and ZY see each other after breaking free from the ice is so precious - there's so much warmth and understanding. And then Zhuo Yichen watches Wen Xiao hug ZYZ and realizes that he'll die and she'll be heartbroken (yes, nothing can prepare them for that kind of grief, destiny, or no destiny).

The younger and sweeter version of Zhuo Yichen :3

Zhao Yuanzhou being a sarcastic ass XD

[styrofauxm]

2025 Book Bingo Plans

I've started planning out some of what I'm going to read for @batmanisagatewaydrug's 2025 book bingo (read more here), and to get myself hyped, I'm sharing the books I've set in stone, as well as recording some ideas I have for the other spaces!

I've been looking forward to Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins for a while now, I'm interested to see if it will live up to the philosophical examination it sets itself up as.

I got the illustrated copy of Eragon by Christopher Paolini/Sidharth Chaturvedi for Christmas, so that's kind of a no-brainer for the re-read.

Heavenly Tyrant by Xiran Jay Zhao I'm also getting for Christmas, but it's the pretty Illumicrate version, so it's not getting here until January or February. I took a gamble with Iron Widow and got the hardcover, and I was not disappointed (I've read it 3 times and am going to reread it once I get HT, and will certainly reread both in the future), so I expect the fancy one will be money well spent (by my aunt but still).

I am just assuming that My Friends by Fredrik Backman is going to be set in Sweden, because all of Backman's other novels are set there. Hopefully I don't need to find a new book for the category lol. If I do this one will probably fit Literary Fiction anyway.

I've been working my way through my reread of the Hitchiker's Guide trilogy by Douglas Adams, and think I can finish the 3rd in the next few days, so I'm all set up for the 4th going into 2025 :)

I stopped reading Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey when school got really rough last year and have wanted to go back to it for a while. It was recommended to me by my dad, and one of his favorite books. In the 100-ish pages I've read, I've found it to be amazing as well.

Things My Son Needs to Know About the World by Fredrik Backman was going to be my memoir choice until I realized it was actually essays.

I saw Death In Rocky Mountain National Park: Accidents and Foolhardiness on the Continental Divide by Randi Minetor while just wandering Barnes and Noble and was sure I had to read it when the title made it clear it wasn't going to blame animals for the actions of humans.

I've wanted to read Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine for a long time, but the concept alone has always made it a little too sad to convince myself to pick up. This year will be its year though.

I promised my roommate that I would read The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson last year so that we could watch the show for Halloween. I'm following through this year instead.....

My reasoning for Thud! by Terry Pratchett is simple. I like Discworld, I like Ankh Morpork, I like the Watch novels, I like Sam Vimes.

Below the cut are some of my ideas for the sections I haven't filled yet (anyone should feel free to send me as many recommendations for these as you want):

Literary Fiction:

All The Names by José Saramago (recommended by my dad)

The Summer Book by Tove Jansson (recommended by my roommate)

Short Story Collection:

And Every Morning The Way Home Gets Longer and Longer, The Answer is No, and The Deal of a Lifetime by Fredrik Backman (this is not technically a collection, but it is a group of short stories that I really want to read)

20th Century Speculative Fiction:

The Martian by Andy Weir (I just want to read it)

Published Before 1950:

TBD Agatha Christie novel (I stole my dad's books acquired a lot of these and want to read some)

Indie Publisher:

Something from this list

Graphic Novel, Comic Book, or Manga:

Nothing Special by Katie Cook (I read this on Webtoon as it's been coming out, it has some of the best panel transitions on the platform, and I really want to see how she translated that to book form. Also I want to own the books bc I love the story and refuse to pay Webtoon money for it)

Animal On the Cover:

A Lady's Life in the Rocky Mountains by Isabella Bird (I was looking at the "local" shelf (not at this book in particular though) in Barnes and Noble, and a woman (not an employee) came up to me to tell me this is one of her favorite books ever and now I must read it)

The Girl in Red by Christina Henry (I help run a blog here cataloguing books with little to no romance and/or sex in them for people who are sex/romance repulsed, and someone submitted this. I also read a book years ago that I loved, but I didn't have Goodreads even at that point, and all I really remembered was the cover and opening. I've been looking for a while, and I think this very well could be it)

City of Nightmares by Rebecca Schaeffer (I loved her Market of Monster's trilogy and the Webtoon adaptation, and have been meaning to read this for ages)

Descendent of the Crane by Joan He (recommended by my other roommate, plus I liked her book The Ones We're Meant to Find)

Going Postal by Terry Pratchett (re: the reasons for Thud!)

2025 Debut Author:

Honestly, no clue here. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

Read a Zine and Make a Zine:

Scarland fanzine by a whole bunch of people (I've read it before but it's really quite amazing and I would read it again happily)

2024 Award Winner:

Something on this list

Romance Novel:

Just Last Night by Mhairi McFarlane (recommended by a friend whose judgement in books I really trust)

Read and Make a Recipe:

We will see what strikes my fancy this year

Historical Fiction:

Fever 1973 by Laurie Halse Anderson (this one has been on my TBR since 2015)

The Island of the Sea Women by Lisa See (this was a birthday present in 2019)

Babel by R.F. Kuang (the premise is cool, and it says it's a response to The Secret History and I loved that book)

Bookseller or Librarian Rec:

Because of Mr. Terupt by Rob Buyea (in 5th grade, we did a unit where the class was split into 3rds and we each analyzed 1 book. The kids who read this book loved it. I really wanted to read it then, but never did. Then in 8th grade a librarian recommended it to me, bringing it back to my memory, but I still didn't read it. It lives on my TBR because I feel like I need to read it for 10/13 year old me)

[bean-in-dice]

A little Li Lun Character Analysis

Ok call me insane but I think Li Lun will really understand what Female Rage is.

Maybe I've seen way too much Gongdou dramas but think, he was a very untamed demon, as wild as he could get, quite unlike Zhu Yan who was a more humanized ape demon. Both due to his inherent nature as a tree and because he just didn't have much exposure to human world other than the TWO times he ventured to it, tagged along with Zhu Yan, and they were like what, at least a few centuries old already.

Imagine that! You are centuries old and the second time you come on a market date at mortal world, you see your own kind being tortured and held in captive in a dungeon! And the first external reaction of your bestie/love interest/charge who was the bridge between Wilderness and this suddenly horrific human world was to not show the same panic you did.

I would freak out too!

Now listen, I'm not defending that he killed unrelated innocent civilians. He did and it was wrong, even though his lash out was somewhat understandable when put to perspective.

And then what happened? He was quick to be given eternal jail time. Nobody even explicitly showed him concern about his severe burn wounds, and he was kept in dark about how the imprisonment was a so called "kindness" because it kept him from dying from the burns, up until the LAST MOMENT he broke the imprisonment himself and burned away!!!

Since the show only told us what happened with the prosecution of Li Lun and not with the Pharmacy, we cannot say whether Zhu Yan/Baize Goddess/Demon Hunting Bureau were just as fast to lock the place down and tried to bring the people to justice, all we know is that immediately after Li Lun was imprisoned, Blood Moon happened and Baize Goddess and Demon Hunting Bureau were killed, so the pharmacy people naturally got away even though they might have been under a legal process because well, all the upholders of law just died and the only remaining one withdrew because he was overwhelmed with guilt.

So basically everything went downhill outside while Li Lun was banished to damp and gloomy Da Huang and he was as good as forgotten in the heat of the moment. Even if someone maybe meant to properly talk to him and explain shit, none of them ever came because they died! And due to this very same guilt and other baggage, Zhu Yan never ever visited Li Lun in jail for 8 years either. And Li Lun was left to make whatever he wanted out of it, and he did, as well an abandoned, silenced, free spirit of nature in endless agony bound in a musty cave would.

One might think his wrath with Zhu Yan was so overdramatic as if it's been hundred years of beef whereas it's only been 8 years, but when put into context like this, 8 were more than enough, don't you think? It only shows just how fast and strongly his pain and resentment built up.

And the world called him obsessed, delusional, hysterical and villainized him to hell and back... including his only connection to the world, Zhu Yan.

And he tried and tried to understand why, to the best of the ability of a lonely tree with no methods of meaningful communication left with the outside. Obviously he failed, but he tried.

And nobody ever tried to understand him.

He was the Attic wife in a Gothic novel. He was the concubine in Cold Palace, and he was the name-called first wife of a wastrel of nobleman with 3 other mistresses. Look I just watched the first 2 eps of the currently airing Cdrama Blossoms and I just got into a mood ok.

In the end, he obeyed the "last mercy of Zhao Yuanzhou". Or more specifically, he finally got to hear that his Zhu Yan was thinking of his wellbeing all this time and all his hatred melted away in a second.

And when he saw that Zhu Yan was in danger, he threw away the life and second chance he so longed for and returned for Zhu Yan’s assistance... and his only words to Zhu Yan were:

"A moment is more than enough."

And after that, he wouldn't speak directly to Zhu Yan anymore, wouldn't touch him, only addressing him via Zhuo Yichen: having recognized Zhuo Yichen as his love's current priority/the person Zhu Yan cares for more than he does for him. Zhu Yan might object that no, they both are equally important to him, but clearly, that's not how Li Lun read him, and honestly after everything who can blame him? Not even the so called "last mercy" was given to him face-to-face by Zhu Yan, so it's no wonder if Li Lun believes that Zhu Yan doesn't really care much to speak let alone continue a relationship with him, just that Zhu Yan didn't want him to die, which is a pretty low bar.

"Zhuo Yichen, please help me protect Zhu Yan from now on", Li Lun says as he holds Zhuo Yichen and gazes into his eyes, as if he's trying to parse out what made Zhuo Yichen more worthy of Zhu Yan’s love, defense and care than him.

"Zhuo Yichen, look carefully! Do not miss!", he says in his last moments. Remember me, the one who loved Zhu Yan first. I was once special to him too. Do not be like me, but know that I had a glorious presence in his life as well.

He doesn't turn to look again at Zhu Yan, he doesn't see Zhu Yan desperately clambering after him, to keep him from dying to buy them -Zhu Yan and Zhuo Yichen- more time. Maybe he heard Zhu Yan calling his name brokenly, but it was already too late.

[alipeeps]

Episode 16

I'm ready for the pain. *whimpers* Bring it on...

.......

Whyyyy is Zhu Yan's (much shorter) hair fully grey when he was younger? Is my boy vain? Did he start colouring it as he got older? 😂

Okay so young Li Lun is a sulky bitch. I'm getting "teenager forced to come on a family holiday and determined to hate it just because" vibes...

Why do I feel like I know the dragon mountain god somewhere?

*goes to check MDL*

Meh, he's done this and My Journey to You (which I only got a few eps into before getting distracted) and two movies that I've not seen. So, no idea why he seems familiar.

Though for some reason (his styling maybe - with the braids and the hint of moustache?) he is giving me Nie Mingjue vibes...

Ahahahaaaa they knew in advance that Zhu Yin was skanky!! 😁

Gotta say (I have mentioned it before) I am loving the narrative device they keep using in this show where they flash back to a previous scene and show more of it/detail that we didn't get shown the first time around that completely reframes the current scene and shows that they were expecting this and had stuff planned in advance...

But wherrrre is my boy Bai Jui during all this? Ying Lei asked this earlier and Zhuo Yichen said he should be with Pei Sijing... I took that at the time to mean they still had no idea that Sijing is the spy and thought he was somewhere safe with her... but could it mean that they do know/suspect and they maybe sent Bai Jiu after her, knowing she would spot him and (trusting she wouldn't actually hurt or kill him - which is a big risk tbh?) would have to stay and guard him, thus keeping Bai Jiu away from the fight *and* taking Sijing out of the fight?

Aiya... Ying Lei living up to his potential as a mountain god...

Uhoh, dragon boy is fighting back with his weather-controlling powers.

And Li Lun is just standing there not doing shit. 😂 Like... dude... they are all occupied with either holding the area or spell-casting inside it. You could just walk up and stab em and they wouldn't be able to do much to fight you off...

Oh shit no... dragon dude is not controlling the weather... he's making it night time rather than day...

Which means... blood moon

Oh SHIT!

Welp Zhu Yan pulling in all the malicious qi has at least dealt with the creatures outside the gate... but on the other hand you've now got a MUCH bigger problem!!

Well fuck

So the Baize token was what was shackling Li Lun and that's why he wanted it broken... bullshit about breaking the barrier between the wasteland and the mortal world so demons could be free was just the lie he sold Zhu Yin to get him on board (just like the lie he sold Qing Geng - this is his modus operandi)

God this is glorious imagery...

Goddamit though, Zhu Yan has absorbed all the malicious qi and very clearly lost control but all he does for the longest time is just hover there... he doesn't immediately go on an indiscriminate rampage. I can only imagine him spending all that time hovering just... trying to cling to control...?

And the first person he *does* go for is Zhu Yin, who betrayed him and his friends.

Ugh the dismissive ease with which he shrugs off the mountain god's power...

Oh man, the slow deliberate malice in the way he moves...

I shouldn't be finding this expression hot AF, right?

OMG look at how distressed he is - even after everything Li Lun has done - at seeing his friend be sealed...

So... it was *again* a blood moon that caused Zhu Yan to kill Zhao Wan'er? But... where did the blood moon suddenly come from? Or did it appear *because* Zhu Yan started absorbing malicious qi?

The *sound* in this scene... no music at all... just silence and the over-loud, almost distorted-sounding sounds - slosh of the water from Wan'er's footsteps, her breathing, the washing of the waves....

So. Fucking. Atmospheric.

But wait, in this memory he attacks Wen Xiao and (it looks like?) ?breaks her neck? (Or does he just knock her unconscious?) That didn't happen though in the other depictions we've seen of this scene? Is this memory faked/altered? In fact... how the fuck can Li Lun be showing her a "memory" of shit that went down after he was sealed? He wasn't there to see any of this? I call bullshit! Unless... he somehow stole this memory from Zhu Yan?

Oh SHIT is the blood moon where he killed Wan'er the same one in which he attacked Demon Hunting Bureau?!!

This song by Hou Minghao is so melancholy and haunting... and even more playing over this scene...

Oh what the fuck Sijing actually fighting on the side of the good guys? Or is she...?

Also wtf happened to her boss who was outside the gate. Why has he not gotten involved in the latest shenanigans... he wants Zhu Yan's core still, doesn't he?

Oooh baby bro enters the fray!!

Using Ying Lei's blood to fire up the sword?!

Oooh divine blood, demon blood & the Bingyi clan blood on the sword = maximum effort!

Ooooooh is he faking? I've been slightly spoiled about Zhu Yan giving him immunity to his one word spell... are we gonna get another flashback showing that that already happened and Zhuo Yichen is once again pretending to be in a coma to get the upper hand?

Fuck WHAT?!! You end it THERE?!!!

And it's fucking 3am, I cannot watch another episode, I will have to go to bed and SUFFER until tomorrow!!

[randomingoftherandomness]

Heyy, loved your last FOF fics!!😭If you’re still taking requests, may I humbly request ZYZ getting injured(somehow), and ZYC actually being worried and the one helping him/nursing him back to health, and ZYZ being surprised(because he doesn’t think he deserves it)? Or something fluffy and angsty like this? (^.^) Sorry it’s not very detailed…

A/N: Okay, let's try this :)

🎀 currently still accepting fic requests 🎀

--

The hum of the demon-seal overhead is as annoying to Zhao Yuanzhou's senses as a persistent fly. It's nothing to write home about in terms of things that actually do register as an annoyance to him, but with his healing abilities being out of reach, it's not something he can discount.

He had taken the blow that landed them in this trap and shielded Xiao Zhuo from the worst of the fall. Breathing hurts, so is just existing right now, but there's absolutely nothing to do about it until they get out of this place.

"Take off your clothes."

Zhao Yuanzhou tilts his head towards where Xiao Zhuo is standing just out of reach. His usually dour face is unreadable to him and the thought that he can't pick out what this man is thinking, rankles him somehow.

"I'm fine. I promise." He tries, holding out a hand to the mortal, feeling strangely mollified when the man takes it without any complaint or huffing. "I'll be better once we get out of here."

Xiao Zhuo blinks rapidly, jaw working as if he is physically biting his words back. "Can I see?" He asks softly. "Please?"

Running his thumb over the arc that connects the thumb to the wrist. "I would rather you didn't, Xiao Chen ah..." He smiles, almost apologetic.

With an elegant fold of his body, as he sits down next to his demon, knocking their knees together, Xiao Zhuo inhales deeply, reaching a hand to carefully caress Zhao Yuanzhou by the cheek.

"Just because you'll be fine once we get out of here, does not mean you're fine now." The corner of his perfectly kissable rosebud lips lift tremulously and in an instant, Zhao Yuanzhou hates that he's the reason his darling boy is on the verge of tears like so. Yet another thing to add to the very long list of sins he must atone for.

Their palms slide together and Zhao Yuanzhou doesn't fight it when Xiao Zhuo tucks himself carefully close. "Stupid great demon... Why can't you just let me care for you?"

Smiling sadly to himself where his Xiao Zhuo cannot see, he presses his lips to the crown of his head. "Because it's rotten work."

Xiao Zhuo pulls back, a free hand right over his heart. "Not to me. Not if it's you." His clear gaze flickers down to where his demon heart beats for this man. "So, please, let me."

Zhao Yuanzhou feels like a battered ship coming back into a safe harbour when Xiao Zhuo leans in to tenderly kiss his brow. Slumping forward, no longer having the will to fight the exhaustion and pain that threatens to unravel him from the inside out.

His Xiao Zhuo is there to catch him when he falls.

[dragoncityinteriordesign]

Hey, Guardian fans! Got something here you might like!

And that something would be Kaleidoscope of Death (the 2018 gay webnovel) and the Spirealm (the 2024 drama based on it). You can read the more detailed rec posts for both Kaleidoscope of Death and the Spirealm (as well as for some other media, all of which you can read here), but I wanted to come in and do a specific post about why I think fans of Guardian would really have a good time with these two.

This isn't just my observation -- other people who are fans of both have commented on how they scratch the same itch. They're just similar enough to one another to feel familiar, which still different enough that nothing feels repetitive/derivative. It's also funny to me how much the relationship of Guardian the book to Guardian the show is like the relationship of Kaleidoscope of Death to the Spirealm. They're both spooky gay stories that lose a lot in the adaptation to television, but also gain a lot in the process, until it's hard to say which one is the superior telling of the story.

So I'm coming in here with an extremely quick, spoiler-free-as-I-can-make-them five reasons why fans of Guardian in particular might be inclined to enjoy this book/show combo.

1. These boys are not normal about one another

I know you love it when the boys are not normal about one another. Ruan Nanzhu (cunty, well-dressed, on the left) and Lin Qiushi (sporty, cat dad, on the right) are extremely not normal about one another.

(Guardian lucked out in that when the drama was made, shows hadn't yet started doing the bullshit of changing the danmei boys' TV names. Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei are Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei no matter where they are -- but these two are Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi in the book, and Ruan Lanzhu and Ling Jiushi in the show. I'm going to be using their book names just because I've seen them written more often and they look more correct to me now.)

There's a Reason they're together. Maybe they don't go back as far as Ye Olde Haixing, but rest assured theirs is not a random encounter. Also, just like in Guardian, the Reasons in the book and the show have some surface similarities, but play out very differently.

This is a slow-burn gay love story that's a freak4freak relationship featuring two completely different kinds of freak. Lin Qiushi is the only person Ruan Nanzhu's ever let get close to him. Ruan Nanzhu's the only person who's ever pierced Lin Qiushi's cat-loving veil of obliviousness. Theirs is the true love of being willing to burn down the world for the same person you love annoying the pants off of. They're hot-and-cold messes who can't live without one another.

Obviously, as in Guardian's case, the boys-kissing parts are textual only in the book, not in the show. But keeping them from kissing actually ends up making them way less normal about one another. Yes, tell the guy who's technically your boss to platonically call you "daddy." What's not heterosexual about that?

2. Fun horror(-ish)

Both books have fantastic worlds and weird metaphysical conflicts, where terrible and unsettling things happen. They have ghosts and ghost-like things that can scare you and even kill you. Both contain some really unsettling passages about gore, violence, and body horror, and both include at least a bit of background cannibalism from one of the party members.

...And both shows have had those elements totally nerfed by censorship. Just as the ghosts of Diyu become the aliens of Dixing, the mysterious door worlds of Kaleidoscope of Death become the eeeeevil American video game of the Spirealm. It's exactly as silly and nonsensical as it sounds, and I know you can laugh your way through how stupid the adaptation choices are, because you already have.

Does this destroy the horror of it? Eh, yes and no. No, because there are still fundamentally some horror-esque things going on. But also yes, because having all these killer doors be part of a video game is about as nonsensical as having a lot of aliens living in the center of the earth, and it all winds up being a bit ... well, silly. At least Guardian had the excuse of having to do a last-minute scramble; the Spirealm was committed to this from the start. (What the Spirealm also has that Guardian the show lacks is the occasional hilarious, perfunctory digression into how eeeeeeevil capitalism is, which is its own form of both cringe and comedy.)

The book is legitimately creepy, though. There were a couple points I found myself reading it late at night, right before going to bed, and thinking, hm, maybe I should not be doing this. I love it so much that I actually read it the first time, got to the very important information in the first extra, turned right around, and read it a second time with that new context. It's not so horror that a casual reader couldn't enjoy it, but maybe leave the lights on while you do.

3. We're not co-workers, we're found family.

You know how the SIU/SID crew is the best and the most wonderful and you want to pick them up and hug them all and put them in your pocket and carry them around with you? Yeah, it's likely you're going to have a similar reaction to the Obsidian members and their associated friends.

Both SIU/SID and Obsidian have similar qualities where they're organizations operating under the radar of normal society, doing jobs that do not respect 9-5 boundaries or lunch breaks, where things are dangerous enough that you have to trust your co-workers with your life on a very regular basis. But while only the Guardian ghosts live at headquarters, everyone in Obsidian shares the same house. They eat meals together, watch movies together, play board games together, hang out and read in the TV pit together, decorate the house for New Year's together, barge into one another's rooms together...

Did you love it when Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan wound up living in apartments conveniently across the hall from one another? You're likely going to feel a similar kind of way when Ruan Nanzhu immediately moves Lin Qiushi (and his cat!) into the bedroom across the hall from his own.

As with Guardian, the book has more characters than the show does, but that's because it's cheaper to write a new character than it is to hire a new actor. And it's also easier to write off a new character than it is to get rid of a main cast member, so the book and the show have slightly different lists of who lives and who dies, and when. Take my "be careful who you get attached to" warning seriously.

4. A similarly batshit television aesthetic

Okay, okay, so nothing will ever be like Guardian's thrift-store maximalist approach to set dressing. The Spirealm is more intentional about its choices, and less like all it can afford to do is to keep reusing the same dozen objects repositioned slightly. The Spirealm is what it looks like when you actually have all the money you need and still choose to decorate like Guardian did.

Because of the story's supernatural main conceit, a lot of the environments are bizarre, impossible worlds that do not rely much on petty little things like logic or accuracy or the laws of physics. They're basically dreamscapes, filled with things that don't make sense but also don't have to.

The whole thing is also beautifully shot. I know that a lot of the screenshots emphasize the extremely yellow Wong Kar-wai color grading that I honestly wish weren't there, but it's fine in context. Really, the framing, the motion of the camera, the composition of scenes -- it's just all lovely. I've been watching it with no sound or subtitles on to do screenshots, and I keep being astonished by how nice it is to just look at.

Shen Wei's clothing choices seem tame compared to the high strangness Ruan Nanzhu considers fashion. He'll see your arm garters and raise you a coat that somehow has three lapels. No, I don't know how it works either. But if you like seeing a beautiful bitchy man in bizarre outfits (and I know you do), the Spirealm's got you covered.

And are there inexplicable English-titled books, both generically fake and perplexingly real? Baby, you know there are.

The Spirealm's set design is ultimately not nearly as interesting as Guardian's is, but it's definitely more engaging than most. If you (like me!) enjoy pausing and squinting at the backgrounds of shots, this will bring you hours of scrutinizing entertainment.

5. Not not the same endings

By this I mean, the end of Guardian the book is to the end of Guardian the show as the end of Kaleidoscope of Death is to the end of the Spirealm. I don't mean the exact same things happen, and I can't tell you exactly what happens without spoiling some major things I don't think should be spoiled. What I do mean is that they feel very similar in the relationship between source and adaptation.

Now that I've said this, you're going to be thinking, oh, I know how it ends! No, I promise, you really don't. But when you finally experience said endings, you're going to understand what I mean. Xi Zixu, writing Kaleidoscope of Death in 2018, could not have been responding to the ending of Guardian the show, which was airing at the same time the novel was being released. However, I'd be willing to put down a not-small amount of money that the production team on the Spirealm was at least passingly familiar with Guardian. I don't think it's accurate to say the Spirealm's ending is a direct response to Guardian the show's ending, but I do believe it understands that it's contributing to a conversation to which the endings of both Guardian versions already belong.

And that's all I'm going to say about that! You'll get it when you get there.

bonus: kitty!

This is Chestnut. Chestnut is perfect.

I find it charming how much Xi Zixu, the author, loves cats. She talks about her cat in her author's notes. She waxes poetic about how great cats are in the prose. She has obviously chosen to make Lin Qiushi a cat dad for reasons of writing her own favorite personal traits onto her blorbos.

Of course Ruan Nanzhu is jealous of a cat. He's jealous of himself. He's a one-man jealousy machine when it comes to Lin Qiushi's affections. He's being so normal right now.

Have I convinced you?

Scroll down to the bottom of the rec posts I mentioned earlier to find all the information you need to read Kaleidoscope of Death and all the information you need to watch the Spirealm.

My final verdict is that Guardian the show is substantially better than the Spirealm, and Guardian the book is also better than Kaleidoscope of Death -- but by a much, much narrower margin. I don't even have strong feelings about which one of them you should experience first; I actually started the show, jumped to the book, read it while I was watching the middle episodes, and then finished the show, and even that broken-ass order was not a bad way to approach them. But be prepared to do both! You'll want to do both. Trust me.

Anyway, after you're done watching/reading, come find me at @thirteenthdoor, which is where I'm putting all my Kaleidoscope of Death/Spirealm analysis, reblogs, and shitposting. But only after, because I'm not being careful about spoilers at all over there.

See you in the doors!

[zuko-always-lies]

In defense of Admiral Zhao and how he treats Zuko (or he's still a dick and an imperialist, but this is why/how his actions made sense to him).

So the first time we see Zhao chronologically is in this scene, when he watched Ozai burn Zuko with a smirk on his face:

Obviously this doesn't speak highly of Zhao, but the context was that Zuko was refusing to defend his honor by fighting back and thus, under Fire Nation culture, getting "what was coming to him." It's pretty like that Zhao didn't particularly hate Zuko before that.

Then almost three years pass, and Zuko and Iroh show up acting all suspicious at Zhao's base with a damaged ship. Zuko offers an extremely unconvincing story, so naturally Zhao investigates further.

Zhao gives Zuko a chance to come clean and Zuko refuses to, solely out Zuko's self-interest. Zuko is willing to screw over the Fire Nation just to have a slightly better chance at going home. That just confirms all of Zhao's negative opinions about Zuko.

Zhao: My search party is ready. Once I'm out to sea, [Cut to a shot from over Zhao's head to reveal Iroh and Zuko sitting in two chairs in front of him in the middle of the tent.] my guards will escort you back to your ship and [Close-up of Zuko, who angrily looks down.] you'll be free to go.

Zhao is willing to overlook this and let Zuko go.

Zhao is being a dick here, but he's also telling Zuko the truth, the same truth Iroh has refused to tell him. And Zuko challenges him to an Agni Kai over it.

Zuko and Zhao fight, and Zuko clearly wins. Zhao, recognizing his defeat, tells Zuko to burn Zhao.

There's two things we need to understand here. First, Agni Kai's can only end with one participant being burned or killed. Second, by burning Zhao, Zuko would show his adherence to the Fire Nation's norms and culture, show he's "manly enough" to adhere and be a "man of honor" within the code of honor. By refusing to end the duel, Zuko disrespects the very practice of dueling.

Then Zuko turns his back and walks away, Zhao tries to attack Zuko, and Iroh stops Zhao and claims that "Even in exile, my nephew is more honorable than you." The thing to understand here is that the duel was not actually over, at least from Zhao's perspective. That's why he tried to attack Zuko, because Zuko had refused to end it.

Let us fast forward a few episodes. The next time we see Zhao is in "Avatar Roku," where Aang is trying to reach Roku's temple and Zuko is trying to stop him. Zhao is commanding a blockade fleet in their way. This exchange provides important context:

Iroh: [Close-up.] Sailing into Fire Nation waters ... Of all the foolish things you've done in your sixteen years, Prince Zuko, this is the most foolish! Zuko: I have no choice, Uncle. Iroh: [Angrily.] Have you completely forgotten that the Fire Lord banished you? [Fearfully.] What if you're caught? Zuko: [Breaks away from telescope to talk to his uncle.] I'm chasing the Avatar! My father will understand why I am returning home!

By chasing after the Avatar into the Fire Nation, Zuko is violating the terms of his banishment.

Anyways, this happens:

To be clear, what Zhao does here is 100% a dick move. But from Zhao's perspective, Zuko demonstrated his lack of loyalty earlier, and is now also trying to violate the terms of his banishment.

So Zhao chases after Zuko and Aang and doesn't manage to hang onto them since Avatar Roku goes super-saiyan on him.

After that, we get this exchange:

Zhao: [Turns angrily, snapping.] No Prince, no Avatar! Apparently, the only thing I do have is five traitors! Great Fire Sage: [Interjects.] But Commander! Only Shyu helped the Avatar. Zhao: [Close-up.] Save your stories for the Fire Lord. As far as I'm concerned, you are all guilty! [Orders.] Take them to the prison hold!

Again, total dick move. However, it's worth pointing out what Zhao's justification is likely to be: the Fire Sages violated the law by refusing to apprehend and instead helping a banished fugitive, Zuko, who was illegally in the Fire Nation.

The next time Zhao and Zuko interact is when the Blue Spirit breaks Aang out, but nothing particularly interesting happens there.

Finally, in "The Waterbending Master," we get to see Zuko and Zhao's final arc. As Zhao prepares his expedition to the Northern Water Tribe, he shows up and takes Zuko's crew:

Zhao realizes that Zuko is that Blue Spirit and a total traitor, and that just confirms everything Zhao already thought about him. So Zhao tries to have Zuko assassinated by the pirates. It doesn't work.

The next time Zhao encounters Zuko is in the Siege of the North Part II:

Again, Zhao's contempt and hatred for Zuko is driven by Zuko's treasonous behavior.

Of course, the Ocean Spirit shows up, and then this is what happens:

Zhao is consumed by the energy in the shape of a hand and dragged toward the water. Zuko: Take my hand! Zhao considers it for a moment before retracting his hand. The energy plummets into the water, Zhao dragged along with it, and dissipates.

Whatever else you can say about Zhao, he's consistent to the end.

So again, my main point is not that Zhao is a good person. Zhao is a terrible person, an utter jerk, and an imperialist with delusions of grandeur.

However, with regards to Zuko in specific, Zhao's treatment of Zuko is almost always reactive to a degree to Zuko's actions and has a certain logic behind it. Zhao treats Zuko so poorly largely because Zuko keeps confirming Zhao's worst opinions about Zuko.

That doesn't mean that Zhao is right to be a jerk to Zuko, who again is a banished teenager, just that Zhao's actions make logical sense within his cultural context and considering Zuko's actions.

[syoul]

anyways i have. something for syoul tonight. not the profiles (booooooo) but smth else that'll introduce them a bit lmao

[thatfeelingwonie]

— 🧷 . . . MINISKIRT . . . sim jake

zhao iseul always had it easy. she could get everything she wanted due to her charms, and boys would always fall at her feet. but there was one guy who didn't seem to be phased by her, sim jake.

barista!jake x oc. lots of angst, slow burn (?), contains smut, mentions of domestic abuse, death, brain tumor, alcohol, hooking up.

CHAPTER TWO !

wc : 1.1k

it's been days since what happened at bar and iseul couldn't seem to move on, it bothered her just how unphazed that barista was compared to all the other men she had met in her life, and she needed to change that. it nearly kept her up at night the fact that she wasn't able to make all men swoon at her feet, and she was determinated to change that.

that's why she asked her friend to go out for some drinks at the same bar hoping she'll find that barista and prove him wrong.

"are we really back in this crappy bar just so you can seduce some random guy you'll forget about in a week?" her friend complained as she sipped on her drink annoyed, observing iseul fixing her make up and hair in a small mirror she carries in her bag before pushing her corset top down to expose her chest slightly and smiling slightly satisfied with her look.

"just watch, i'll get him this time." she warned before standing from her chair and approaching the counter where the same guy stood, threating her slender fingers through her strands with a soft grin stretching her glossy lips as she leaned over the counter and tapped her nail on the wooden surface to grab his attention. jake glanced at the direction of the sound and sighed heavily once he recognized the girl from the other night, quickly finishing the drink he was preparing before shifting to her direction.

"you again? did you miss me that much for you to be here on a wednesday night?" iseul brushed the annoyance that was already spreading on her face off and just smiled at him again, leaning further hoping he'll even just glance at her chest once but it was no use as all he did was staring emotionless at her face.

"so funny. can i get a bloody mary?" she fished a ten thousand won bill out of her skirt and pinched it between her index and middle finger. "and i'm actually planning to pay this time." she slowly set the bill down as his puppy eyes followed its movements, the brief glance he threw at her exposed chest not passing unnoticed by her as a small smirk curved her lips, sliding the money towards him before purposely crossing her arms on her chest.

jake cleared his throat and adjusted the thick, black, glasses resting on his nose's high bridge before beginning to prepare the drink she requested, tilting his head slightly at his own behaviors as looking at someone's chest was wrong and disgusting. it was clear her intentions did not chance even a bit and she was probably trying to get into his pants just for a free drink, even if he couldn't understand why she was so determined.

the raven watched his every move as he worked, her gaze lingering on the way his strong hands handled the drink shaker, the subtle flex of his forearm muscles as he mixed the cocktail, leaning on the counter with a playful pout while keeping her chest displayed. this wasn’t a new tactic for her, and usually guys would instantly fall for this.

"you know, you’re not like other guys," she started, letting the statement hang in the air as if it was meant to flatter him in any way, awaiting a reaction from him but allowing her brows to drop disappointedly when he didn't respond. "most men would’ve been tripping over themselves by now, but you— your eyes have never looked below my neck."

jake set the drink in front of her with a quiet clink, meeting her gaze with a flat expression as he wiped his hands clean. "i’m just here to make drinks, not to entertain your games." he replied with a cold tone, grabbing the cloth hanging from the dishwasher before wiping the glasses dry that he then set under the counter.

his indifference stung more than she’d like to admit, and it gnawed at her ego.

iseul’s smile dropped for the briefest second before she regained her composure, tucking a strand of her raven hair behind her ear and reaching for the glass but instead of taking a sip she ran her finger along the rim with gaze still locked on him. "games?" she tilted her head slightly, playing innocent as she let her fingers trail over the glass, dark eyes following his every movement as a way to put him on the spot. "who says I’m playing any games?"

the boy didn’t even bother to glance at her as he turned away, busying himself with stacking clean glasses behind the counter and letting her voice turn into a white noise as the sigh that slipped past her lips passed unnoticed by him. she wasn’t used to being ignored, being dismissed like she was just another customer, every man she met, from high-profile executives to local bartenders, had always fallen for her charm, her beauty, and her ability to get what she wanted.

but not this guy.

the girl couldn’t help but grit her teeth slightly, the smile plastered on her face becoming harder to maintain as her frustration only grew further. taking a deep breath, she decided to change her approach. she stood up from her seat, her demeanor shifting from flirtatious to something more casual leaning against the counter as if she was simply there to have a conversation. "alright, i'll drop it," the aussie gave her a suspicious glance, raising an eyebrow at the sudden shift in her tone but still keeping his attention on the drink orders coming in.

"but can i ask you something?" she continued once he didn't respond, sipping on her drink and maintaining a smile. "why do you work here? I mean, you don’t look like the typical bartender."

jake paused for a moment as if he hadn’t expected the question before giving a slight shrug, wiping his hands on the cloth again and cleaning his work surfice. "pays for my college."

"is that it? you just make drinks, go home, and repeat? don’t you have other plans?"

"i’m not really interested in sharing my life story with someone who’s just trying to get me fired," he finally answered, his tone still distant but not as harsh as before, glancing around the the customers in front of the counter that were waiting for a drink. "now if you excuse me, i have drinks to make." iseul sighed defeated, stepping back from the counter with a laughing friend awaiting for her at the table.

this was going to take more effort than she’d thought.

tags !

@boobaemilk @ziiao @riqomi @lvvstruck @maewphoria @makrleestoes

[tamaruaart]

Honestly I want you to go more into detail about the dynamic your ocs share:>

Hohohoho thank you doppel, ama have FUN with this one!

So for this, I decided to Choose Wukong and Zhaoyan's dynamic, mostly because it's really lore heavy.

The whole shtick of their dynamic is:

"Opposites who you'd think could never be similar to one another, until you realize how similar they actually are when you start reading in between the lines."

From the surface, yeah, they'd never get along (again). Zhao's a relaxed magic lady. While Wukong is a loud demon. And also, the Chinese Zodiacs of the monkey and tiger are specifically stated not to get along very well haha

(Not to mention fashion wise they're also supposed to be opposites, with Zhao's fashion being elegant and feminine while Wukong's literally in armour most of the time)

And just the fact they get on each other's nerves a lot. Zhao's bitch-y-ness and hypocrisy (reasonably) get on Wukong's nerves. And Wukong's recklessness and just the general fact he's pretty frustrating, get on Zhao's nerves.

But they're actually a lot more similar.

Both in looks (orange hair, golden eyes), association with the sun (Wukong's aesthetic with the sun and the tiger's association with weather elements in Chinese culture. Zhao's being the sun), but also in their flaws.

Both run away when they make mistakes. And it's gotten to the point where they're even running togheter methinks.

But the difference is, Wukong stops running and actually starts facing his flaws. While Zhao just chooses to live her life alone, as the witch doesn't have the will to try and rekindle everything that's happened.

But when MK comes along, she HAS to face her problems. And though she doesn't realize it, it's the best thing that has happened to her. Because it also gets her closer to Wukong, and they start realizing their shared flaws internally and they become one of my fave duos

Because they still dislike each other of course- But now it's more lighthearted. But that development is SLOW, I think in Zhao's story they only start progressing in like, late season 3.

I also love their dynamic in general- The wine aunt and Apple Juice uncle as I love to call it! It's my favorite trope afjjfkfmkfk be it platonic or romantic (Zhao and Wukong AREN'T supposed to be in love but I'm actually neutral about it because some of my irl friends ship it)

And yeah that's it about em lololol, there's a LOT of (admittedly poorly executed) symbolism in their dynamic and I really like talking about them :D

Feel free to send in more asks lmao

[atla-confessions]

People are talking about it so I'm gonna talk about it. I actually just rewatched the Hama episode today and I also have some mixed feelings on it. On one hand, I see where people, including Hama, are coming from. Her treatment at the prison wasn't just abuse, it was downright sadistic torture. It was cruel beyond cruel.

But her response wasn't one of "I want to stop the hurting" like Jet, who wanted to drown the city so that he could ultimately free the valley (heavily misguided, but he's trying to do good). Also different from Iroh, who functioned under the indoctrinated belief that the war was just. (Something that was Clearly Wrong but we see through Zuko and the fire nation school just how deep that indoctrination goes). Neither were harming innocent people just for the sake of harming innocent people. It was for a reason. Terrible reasons, but reasons nonetheless.

Hama was just hurting people to hurt people. To get some weird sense of revenge by attacking people who had nothing to do with what she went through. Her desire to push bloodbending on Katara seemed to come from ego. She didn't even care about being captured and actively reveled in Katara's misery.

I feel bad for her, I wish she could have gotten a different ending, but I also don't feel like her ending was inherently unjust. Hurt people hurt people, and there is grace to be given there. But someone who goes out of their way to inflict misery and suffering and pain onto others just because they want to, I just have a hard time feeling sympathy toward harsh endings.

Like Zhao, who went out of his way to bully a 16 year old, except Zhao doesn't even have the excuse of Hama's story. He's just the Worst.

However, there is Azula, who also goes out of her way to make people suffer, (and also doesn't have Hama's story), but I do grieve for her ending because she is a child who's known nothing but her indoctrination and grooming. She doesn't seek suffering just because she wants to, she does it because it's what she has been taught and raised to do. Now, if Azula got to be an adult, was away from her father's influence for years, and had plenty of time to decompress, I'd also cease to feel sorry for her if she got a bad ending.

I don't think I have a conclusion here, and I haven't fully sorted all my thoughts and feelings on it, but that's where I'm at currently.

Iroh, Zuko: have done terrible things under terrible influence, sought to do better after being taken from the influence

Jet: has done terrible things under terrible influence, sought to do better but got killed halfway through his arc

Azula: has done terrible things under terrible influence, never escaped said terrible influence

Hama: has done terrible things under terrible influence, continued to do terrible things when many other options were open

Zhao: has done terrible things, fuck that guy

Ozai: has done terrible things under terrible influence, but also fuck that guy because he burned his kid's face and left his other kid to potentially die at the hands of the avatar instead of him and I do not care what your terrible influence was, fuck that guy

X

[hyog-blog]

Fangs of Fortune (ep. 13 - ep. 17)

I had to binge quite a few episodes, otherwise I'd be dreaming of demons and lots of beautiful people crying in the snow (which, I probably will anyway D:)

We went from a relatively happy family outing slightly tainted with betrayal and misunderstandings to the depths of psychological hell and eternal self-loathing. The level of inner and outer torment has reached critical levels and I'm guessing it will only peak in the upcoming episodes, now that the secret is out and everyone knows why exactly Zhu Yan was and still is so intent on dying from Zhuo Yichen's hands (well, and dying in general). What kind of sins he had unwillingly committed.

This is ingenious, really. Ethically complex. Psychologically distorted. Heavily PTSD'ed on all sides. It seems the recipe for making everyone suffer unimaginable sufferings is to put the Big Bad Murderous Darkness into the most caring, attentive, gorgeous demon being, let him lose control over the aforementioned Murderous Darkness once in a while, then make him fall into the abyss of self-blaming and self-loathing, and then make him try to end his life by the hands of the people he has wronged and cares about. I mean wow-wow-wow, just writing it down conceptually is heavy, the way everyone played their roles was BEYOND, just beyond. Totally and fully believable.

It's like the worst case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but on a grander metaphysical scale. And it can't be solved just by one Great Demon dying - because such is the order of things that another being like that will be born, to bear the same fate. It's an interesting concept to put as one of the main motifs of the whole drama - the evil of the world and all the people that just exists by itself as a force, and one single person/vessel that has to curb it and sometimes channel it, without having any choice whatsoever. Or maybe there is? Now I'm wondering if Zhu Yan's idea about stopping the cycle of such vessels being born again and again is doable at all. In that kind of world where fate rules everything and everyone, and the options are quite limited, actually.

But I love how it's also always about the choice. It was Qing Geng's choice to stay with Fei willingly and get sealed together. And then, later, it was once again her free choice to stay in a dream and never leave the place. A-Heng didn't have a choice but to kill when he became a puppet, and Pei Sijing seemingly didn't have a choice when she killed him (but that still WAS her choice). Zhu Yan didn't have a choice when he lost control over the malicious energy, but he did have it afterward - what to do, how to live, or not live. How to punish himself severely inside out. So much of it is fate, destiny, guilt, unimaginable suffering. But even Zhuo Yichen makes his choice - despite his own pain and loss, he chooses not to kill Zhu Yan because that won't really solve anything or make anyone happy (while alive he could still do some good for the people who suffered because of him). I love how the show explores this topic of free will despite everything happening around the characters that's out of their control.

We still don't know what those Chongwu guys want, but Li Lun seems to be bearing quite a grudge towards his ex former bff. I mean, he was so emo before Zhu Yan took him out to see the mortal world and didn't want anything to do with it at first. I wonder what happened between the two of them. Well, he later wanted to get free (which is understandable), but merging the mortal and demon worlds is never a good idea, nope, so I see why the Goddess would imprison him.

I'm wondering how Zhao Yuanzhou is functioning at all with that level of grief he's carrying around. Like getting up, walking, talking, even smiling sometimes. Those must be some hardcore demonic superpowers, because someone else would have been crushed completely and totally by the amount of pain (but then again, he approached Zhuo Yichen and the rest of them only to make his deathwish come true, so that could have been his fuel before).

And after everything, the show managed to joke about cutting sleeves XD nearly making Yinglei quite literally cut his sleeve for baby Bai Jiu. That the show would even go there is risky enough, but this - my jaw slightly dropped))) And between two sweetest brotherly brothers, ahah)))

It's been quite a trip, I will need to digest this whole sequence of events. I still can't get over the scenes and dialogues when Zhu Yan was prepping Zhuo Yichen to kill or subdue him. And what about that ability to be immune to his demonic word spells? I wonder how it works and what he had to do for it to work. Also, the scene with the scars on Zhu Yan's back... Heartbreak all over, everyone is crying, hating but not fully totally, probably loving as well, but not forgiving. It's COMPLEX, uh.