#i've written pretty long on the monster thing already so i didn't think it was worth expanding /

[gaylordscooter]

Log of the Multiverse: Fresh

I've done some research lately on that parasite. In order to help someone.

Y'see Fresh is an interesting outcode to say the least. No one knows what his original universe was like. No one knows where he came from.

Not even Ink! Or at least, every time I ask him he conveniently forgets the answer even though he swears he knew a second ago.

Well, I can't blame him for having a faulty memory when mine's pretty shabby too.

But I digress.

He also kidnaps people. that's probably the first thing i should state.

So yeah, someone was kidnapped. Specifically Cross's best bud, Epic. A shame too, he was just rescued from the cusp of death in his universe. He didn't get to spend much time at the hub (see entry on Cross and XChara) before he went missing.

We don't know HOW Fresh weaseled his way into the hub, the code of the universe is set up in a way that repels him like a magnet of the same charge as him. The only ones that could've tampered with that code would be Cross himself (unlikely), Error (who doesn't even know where or what the hub is), and...

i'm getting off topic again!

So however he got in, he did, and then he found Epic and none of us had the time to warn him about who Fresh is and what he does. I'd assume they hit it off pretty well. They'd probably be great friends if it wasn't for the fact Fresh's entire personality is fabricated to lure people in.

As for Where monsters (mainly of the skeleton kind. mainly of the sans kind.) end up after Fresh nabs them, well i shouldn't leave you in suspense should i?

yeah that would be mean.

who would do that in their own log? i mean, i'm the only one reading it.

so really i'm not keeping anyone in suspense because i already know.

[there is a stupidly wide margin here]

yup.

That was stupid.

Anyway, he takes you to some warehouse in the antivoid where he holds this endless rave. How do I know this? Ink told me during one of his fights with Error they somehow strayed so far away from Error's place in the antivoid that they found Fresh's territory. Ink said the fight ended there because the sight and sound of it made Error crash. Ink took a peak through one of the windows and saw the place PACKED with sanses all of them wearing shades just like Fresh. The music and strobe lights could be heard from miles away you'd think it was a GREAT party.

you'd probably notice all the dust after it's too late.

Wowzers so dramatic.

I Havent Said Or Written That Word in Sooo Long

that almost felt weird to write. whatever

So anyway, recap. no one knows where fresh comes from, he kidnaps people and takes them to an endless rave where you dance until you literally drop and epic is currently at said rave.

yeahhhh.

AS FOR MY RESEARCH! "no one knows where fresh comes from" TOSS THAT OUT THE WINDOW. ME!! I KNOW!!

He's actually

from a completely generic undertale universe

You might think "what? that doesn't sound right."

Which Yeah I Guess So If You're A Party Pooper Sure. Technically He's From An Alternate Timeline. Asshole.

"ok so how did a sans become that 90's freak?" Wrong. Incorrect. The sans of that universe is fine and dandy we had coffee together last week (true) (real).

Actually Fresh is

DRAMATIC PAUSE!

I'm killing you aren't i? absolutely annoying you?

you probably already know actually. SIGH

He's a memoryhead. I know! It threw me for a loop too. And it only made things MORE confusing considering. well no one knows the deal with memoryheads. not even alphyses.

They're. amalgamates? but. What monsters did they come from? They didn't come from Any recognizable monsters.

Now as for what's up with the flowers Fresh uses—Which I Totally Forgot To Mention In This Entry. ehhh whatever you probably already read that one. .. Did i include the flowers part. i forgot how much i explained there i was kinda occupied watering my flower. s. my flowers my potted flowers that i Keep In my room. and water with Water and not any other liquid.

the flowers are different from fresh's flowers unrelated. unrelated flowers to any s. keletons

I'm still trying to figure out what is up with the flowers but my guessFOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR is that said memoryhead managed to mmmmmerge?? melt? how do i phrase this. merge. with a flowey. maybe. potentially

i mean ive never seen a rafflesia flowey ever but hey the multiverse is huge. (not endless though. ink's told me he's seen the edge of the multiverse he looked very perturbed at the revelation)

not that ive seen many floweys.

AUDIBLE COUGH WRITTEN ON PAPER

Man i totally just dropped the "fresh is a memoryhead from an undertale alternate timeline actually" bomb on you and didn't let you sit with it huh.

I'm sorry to say that's as far as my research got. He's a memoryhead. Potentially merged with some sort of flowey. So what now?

well i have a lot of questions. like you do probably

How did the memoryhead escape their universe in the first place? Who in that amalgamate is in control? the flowey? the memoryhead (what monsters are in the memoryhead anyway?) how did that happen? Why the hell does it pretend to be from the 90's.

why does it need so many hosts. what IS the main host's body and why is it so tall? SIX feet really? compensating much? what the hell would an amalgamate need to compensate for. nevermind.

Hang on pause. the song that just came on goes hard i need to save it to my playlist.

...

Yes?? I listen to music while writing these sometimes? Duh? Get off my back?

"you're being sassier than normal" am i? (am i.) well maybe i just learned something

about myself. learned more about myself

I might loop this song actually. it's that good. do you do that? do you find a song that's so good you just loop it and wrench every note out of it until it sounds awful to you?

[mosylufanfic]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Tagged by @rifle-yes, the fool

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

See answer #3 below, but the short version is that I started writing and posting stories at the Derbyshire Writer's Guild, a Jane Austen fanfic site. And it's all been downhill from there.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Oh boy. Hang on. This is a hard one because multiple of my fandoms are like, within a larger fandom? So there's a good amount under the Star Wars umbrella, and a bunch of Jane Austen, and a lot of DCTV. Going back and counting the major fandoms (the ones I remember being really into and doing several fics for, as opposed to just one or two to scratch an itch), I think it's seven. If you do count the one-offs, it's more like 12 or 15. Look, I've been on many fic sites and I'm still trying to get off my ass and archive everything on AO3. It's hard!

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

Pretty much since forever? I remember writing Little Mermaid fic in fourth grade, although I didn't really have that word for it at the time. And there was an epic (and epically bad) Star Wars sequel that I worked on for years in my tweens. I started posting fic online at 19 when I realized that was a thing I could do (see #1). So in terms of writing fic that I shared with other fans, 24 years.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Definitely read, although there are times where it's a close run thing.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I think my worldbuilding has improved over the years. I never did it on purpose, but I see a definite uptick in how deeply I think about the worlds I'm writing in and the various implications of that for the characters.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Oh so many things! I freaking love research. I think the most morbid (and mathiest) was trying to estimate how much air a man had available in a 10x10 space buried underground.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

This is like asking what kind of cake is best, but I do love the ones that pick up on something I didn't even realize about the story. I had one recently that pointed out a shift in language that signaled deeper and more focused intimacy in the course of a smut scene. And I was like, ". . . huh. Well, I'll be. That sure did happen."

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I think probably the Space!Paperwork in Lost & Found was the fringiest thing I've ever done.

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Oh, man, longfics. I often come up with an idea and I just know from the shape of it that it's going to be a a monster. And then I have to decide if I want to go through all the work of plotting and writing thousands and tens of thousands of words. That's why I have so many one-shots that are basically "pilot episodes" for longfics that will never be written.

10. What is the easiest type?

Modern AUs, especially high school AUs. There's so much there that's already known to the readers that I can just laser-focus on the part that's interesting to me.

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I do a lot of my writing on Gdocs. I know they're the devil, but I might be settled down to work on four or five different machines throughout the course of my day, and half that time is on the public floor where I have to look available to help people. So to me, it's better to be able to quickly sign into a website and tap out that quick scene than to try and hide my phone under the desk and write on that horrible little keyboard. (I'll do that too, but only when I have no other option.)

Longfics get ported into Scrivener when they get too unwieldy for Gdocs, but I'm still more likely to write scenes in Gdocs and paste them into the Scrivener file when I'm done.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Probably some of the longfics that are knocking around in my brain, especially the ones that concern areas of the Star Wars canon that I never really got into.

13. What made you choose your username?

It's a nickname my mom used to call me when I was a teenager, and when I was picking my AIM screen name in college, that's what I went with. Actually, I had another one first that was objectively cooler, but I forgot the password to that account and either I was too dumb to reset it or there wasn't functionality for that. So mosylu it was. I also decided at the time that it would be my Internet Identity, and it still is.

Tagging @andorerso, @hedgiwithapen, @incognitajones, @colleybri, and @youareiron-andyouarestrong

[nyaagolor]

Pre-Story ZeroTrio

I have this extremely elaborate explanation rotating in my brain all the time about how the ZeroTrio's relationships change over time, but I've never properly written it out or posted it here. I got inspired recently tho, so I'll be writing it out in a series of posts bc it's Extremely Long. Anyway, figured I would start out with the pre-game-timeline. Under the cut so as to not clog the dash :)

Nemona and Arven

The two of them not only lived nearby but were also the only kids their age in the neighborhood-- they didn’t really have anyone other than each other to play with. I think Arven found Nemona a little overbearing while she found him a lil snippy, but they got closer as time went on just due to proximity and also because Nemona’s parents were very strict on her and her manners, so playing with Arven was the only time she really got to be herself. With Nemona wanting to be herself and Arven just wanting someone to pay attention to him, they ended up getting over their initial apprehensions and being besties in the way only 6 year olds can be. Nemona helped Arven teach his Maschiff different battle strategies and they just had a lot of fun running around in the grass together.

Uuuuuuunfortunatley, this got worse as they got older. Nemona’s parents were convinced that bc of her chronic illness she couldn’t go into battling and encouraged her to be a pokemon professor. They encouraged her to talk to Sada/Turo, which she did in earnest. She had a lot of talent for someone so young, so the professors actually gave her the time of day because they were interested in her battling prowess. For someone like Arven who was ignored and neglected emotionally (one parent walked out, the other was absorbed in work, etc) he immediately got jealous of any time that Nemona was "taking from him" and shifted a lot of the blame of his parents’ absence onto her. He was a kid, and the thought of his parents being the problem or having such clear flaws wasn’t smth he could handle so he subconsciously shifted the blame onto his friend, as that was a far easier pill to swallow

Then the professor came home with the ‘raidon and things got worse. Arven had already started to distance himself from his neighbor (because she's pushy and annoying, he told himself), but now he had the 'raidon to take care of and just didn't have time to play. Nemona was constantly hounding them, wanting a strong opponent to battle, but Arven was pretty clear about wanting to keep her and the 'raidon far away from each other

Somehow, she always found a way to sneak to the back of the lighthouse to try and join when the ‘raidon and Arven were playing outside (she was absolutely a lonely kid and had too much time on her hands so she legit just wandered around Poco Path waiting for them). They did manage to play for a while, having a few good meetings and play fights before Nemona properly challenged the ‘raidon for a battle

Unlike Arven, though, Nemona has a pretty bad sense of emotions and body language and wasn’t really picking up on the fact that the ‘raidon was going a little too far and that she was in increasing danger until it was too late. The raidon is a bit like a giant puppy, so the play fighting turned into play Biting and before anyone realized what was happening, the ‘raidon had locked its jaws around Nemona’s arm. It wasn’t hard, but Arven only saw this beast his parents said explicitly to keep safe attacking someone and tried to tear the raidon off her. He only succeeded in startling it, causing it to clamp down at Nemona’s arm and lash out at Arven, clawing him in the face and blinding him in one eye (the one he now covers with his bangs. (Neither of these injuries heal because the raidon is a paradox pokemon and the injuries caused by them don’t obey traditional laws of spacetime).

The screams attract the professor, who realizes their specialist little monster just mauled the kid of the most powerful people in the region. Nemona’s parents are mortified. They never saw what attacked her and admittedly Nemona didn’t remember either, blocking most of the memories out, but it’s enough, and the professors understand that if they want the 'raidon safe they need to leave Now. So in true professor fashion, they book it out of there that night, leaving Arven behind without a word

Arven becomes so bitter and resentful towards her, blaming her for his parent’s disappearance because he doesn’t know what else to do, and the two of them don’t really speak again. Nemona tries to go over to see him, but each time she’s ignored– Arven barely leaves the lighthouse anyway

They end up growing up and becoming distant, with Arven stagnating due to trauma and his home situation while Nemona excels. Watching her succeed, Arven is reminded of all his failings and his missing parent and ends up projecting all his self hate and insecurities onto her (she is not aware of this). To top it all off, Nemona’s lackluster social skills come in clutch a second time when Arven emerges from Area Zero, a lil roughed up and horrified about the damage to Mabosstiff. Nemona sees him and excitedly asks him for a battle, getting a little pushy until he eventually snaps and says some things to her that he is Not Proud Of.

Nemona hasn’t really been talked back to like that in years, as everyone feels she’s too nice to really be told off, and learns to avoid her snippy rude neighbor thereafter. It’s not until the game that they speak again, since Arven is actively avoiding Nemona bc of how she triggers his insecurities by existing and Nemona knows enough to give him a wide berth lest he snaps at her like last time. He strongly dislikes her, tho it’s more misplaced angst and self hate, while she doesn’t explicitly dislike him but thinks he’s kinda mean

Penny and Arven

Arven is in the same boat as many of the exchange students, where he mostly stays at the academy during breaks if he can help it because it gives him access to the cafeteria and a heater and all the other amenities their professor parent didn’t bother with for the lighthouse. Plus he hates being in the lighthouse alone. And at one point, after their parents manage to miss Christmas without so much as a phone call, Arven starts ranting as he walks down the hallway, eventually slumping against a door and muttering his woes to the empty space

He’s surprised when his phone buzzes and starts reading out texts– there’s no number attached, almost like someone just started speaking through his phone. According to the mystery messenger, there’s a person who lives on the other side of the door, and she heard everything. She offers him a bit of stilted understanding, and while she isn’t exactly the best at comforting, Arven feels a massive weight off his shoulders at the prospect of someone– anyone– listening to him. So he rants and raves because Someone is listening, Finally. He explains to her that he’s a good cook and leaves a sandwich at her doorstep before he leaves as a thank-you

And thus begins their fun little game. The mystery messenger is always in her room, too shy to speak or meet him face to face but always holed up inside, ready to listen. Arven shows up at random, venting and ranting and always packing sandwiches for her because he knows she'll always be there and loves his sandwiches. She reveals a little about herself too, about her anxieties and poor diet and everything else, and so Arven just keeps coming and leaving snacks

She learns that Maschiff actually likes jam better than peanut butter and he finds out the name of her favorite anime. He realizes she likes sweets better than savory stuff and she realizes he’s really good at remembering little details. So they chat, not knowing the other’s name or face, and become something close to friends

Then one day Arven comes and chats with his friend, but his phone isn’t buzzing like usual, it's just quiet. He keeps talking though, because his friend said she gets tired sometimes, until he has nothing left to say and the sandwich he brought starts to get soggy. He leaves it by her doorstep and goes back to his room. It’s gone the next day, so he feels more emboldened and tries again

He talks to her for hours, always coming back despite the silence– because at least if she’s taking the sandwiches he knows she’s listening. Eventually, he tells her he's going down to Area Zero. She says nothing, but he feels like this is finally time, but returns with Mabosstiff hurt and no idea what to do. So he just goes to his friend and slumps against her door and cries. He asks her what to do next, but predictably, she's silent on the matter. He says he can wait, so he sits with his back to her door until he eventually falls asleep, a sandwich for her in his hand

It’s a janitor that wakes him up. She asks Arven if he’s the one who has been leaving the sandwiches by the door. Arven says yes, and the janitor looks mildly annoyed– you know I’ve been cleaning those up each night, right? she asks. Arven tries to explain they’re for the girl that lives there, but the janitor is confused. No one lives in that dorm anymore. The occupant moved out in a hurry. It suddenly dawns on Arven that he’s been venting and crying and pouring his heart out to an empty dorm for weeks because whoever this “friend” was didn’t have the courtesy to say goodbye

Arven leaves, feeling more betrayed than ever and absolutely positive that being vulnerable in front of others only gets you hurt, and so the two of them never see each other again– until they do, but they don’t know it :3c

Nemona and Penny

They don’t know each other before the game starts. They know OF each other, but Nemona is too one-track-mind-ed and Penny is too intimidated by her for either of them to reach out to the other

[strangerthings4theories]

Honestly, I truly believe, amongst all the other batshit theories that everyone has made about Season 4, that there was supposed to be more about the Russian prison in Kamchatka but for some reason, whether COVID-19 related or not, they couldn't do it.

You pointed out that the part of that prison we see in Season 3 doesn't match & never matches with the ones we see in see in Season 4.

All of this never comes back & there is no explanation why. And what we saw in Season 4 & what it made it out to be was so small compared to what we see here... I even find it hard to believe that even with the amount of power the Upside Down has, including it's creatures, it was able to take down an entire facility of that size especially since it seemed like the creatures where locked only in a specific place. (And again, given the rules of ST, there should have been a gate open in Russia for a long period of time, for what they were doing to work but this is never brought up at any point...)

Hopper couldn't have possibly been the American because we saw in Season 4 that he was somewhere else before getting to this specific base & he never goes to that specific part of the prison. It wouldn't make sense for him to be there, go somewhere else then come back. Plus we don't get any real reason why he wasn't given to the Demogorgon during that Season 3 scene.

Whether it was Billy or someone else, this just doesn't make any sense that there wasn't supposed to be more to it.

I'm choosing to be optimistic here but since we barely know how the Russians know about the UD & what they want to do with it, including the logistics of how they were able to pull off what they pulled off in S3, I'm thinking that we are going to go back to it in Season 5 because if not, this is the weirdest & most incoherent side plot in history.

No no you're totally right though. And I'm glad someone else feels this way.

The Russia plotline still doesn't make sense to me. Not in the slightest. I'd go so far as to say I'm not sure why the story even went to Russia. Absolutely nothing happened there to justify the setting. Hopper didn't need a Big Damn Hero moment because he's already had several, and everyone knew Hopper and Joyce would get together. There were no surprises, no revelations that made me think, "Omg this is why the story took us here." It was actually... um... pretty boring???

As someone who's gone over S1-3 with a fine toothed comb, that was a genuinely shocking thing to see. With every other plotline in the show, I've been able to say, "Oh this is what they were trying to accomplish with that." Not so with Russia. It's a mess that doesn't really achieve anything narratively or thematically.

And it just happens to be the plotline that, up until the last two episodes of S4, seemed to be prepping us for Billy's return.

Hell, even episode 8 went in that direction at first. When Hopper found the adolescent Demogorgon writhing in pain on an operating table, I legit freaked out! It was the perfect foreshadowing for him finding Billy - the teenage boy who's been written off as a monster, but actually deserves our compassion. Seriously, I couldn't have written it better.

And then we got... nothing? Nothing at all?

Lol nahhhhhh. Shit ain't right. I'd sooner believe they got screwed over because the pandemic took away their access to Dacre.

[tempests-bards-and-birds]

dainsleif archon quest spoilers

ok so. my thoughts are basically:

in general it felt a bit short and anticlimactic and i think that that's in part because we didn't get to see the fight between dain and the abyss sibling but i guess both that and dain's motivations for wanting to see them are things that we'll have to find out later

if we go by the twin's logic of memory of things that happened in caribert's realm of consciousness disappearing along with caribert then surely we shouldn't have any memory of our conversation with caribert as well as the one with our sibling? but we still do? forcing a memory wipe of our conversation with them feels a little too much like plot convenience because of that inconsistency but Whatever

i enjoyed how they tied up caribert's story and gave it a proper resolution (i also feel like the whole theme of having to give up your "right" to exist in the world both for the ambitions of others and yourself is something that's definitely going to be repeated, if it hasn't been already)

the lore-drop from dain about the five sinners from khaenri'ah was pretty nice (knowing that surtalogi was one of them opens up some interesting questions about what exactly he might have trained/be training skirk for)

rhinedottir being one of them really wasn't much of a surprise considering that she was allegedly the one to create the riftwolves along with various other monsters that may have contributed to the cataclysm but it's still nice to know

that whole thing about the sinner actually being dain's brother... i sense some major incoming family trauma on that front (dain is gonna be in for the time of his Life i just know it <3)

the chat with our sibling was nice ig even if it did feel a little out of place - the whole thing about the sea of flowers probably references this one from the travail teaser

our twin makes a comment about how long ago we apparently told them that we "wanted to find a place in the universe where that flower was in full bloom" which implies that these flowers (which are almost definitely inteyvats) exist outside of teyvat (something something about how the primordial one came to teyvat from another world and brought stuff like the flowers with them idk)

i. yeah i've lost my train of thought

oh yeah. the message that caribert left for atossa (the one that's written in one of the sumeru scripts) says:

"Farewell Atossa. I apologize for making you know me unwillingly; still, I don't wish you to forget me."

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Interested in your answers for 17 and 19 of the choose violence ask game, if you'd like to share them! Thank you :)

I was halfway through answering when I realized I totally misread the ask game. It is... not intended to be as dark as I made my answers, I think... oh well! I'm sticking to my guns. Anyone who's read my stuff knows this is a dead dove household lol

17. There should be more of this kind of fic/art

Oh man I'm about to Reveal Myself, but... I think KP as a whole could really use more noncon/dubcon, but KimChay especially (and Kim specifically). I read a fic a looong time ago when I first entered the fandom, it was like 400 words, and I'm not gonna name it in case the author doesn't want to be attached to it, but it was so good. Essentially Chay is very enthusiastic in the smut and Kin can't bring himself to say no, and I just!!! That is the good shit to me. I feel like especially post-reconciliation, Kim is exactly the kind of person that would overcompensate for breaking Chay's heart by giving him everything he wants. (i may be writing a fic about this already, called Stress Relief. That may or may not ever be posted. That may or may not be based on my own personal trauma. Anyway.) On a lighter note! I want to see more AUs! I'm a bit spoiled coming from the TW fandom, which is like. One of the most prolific fandoms on Ao3. But mannn, I want to see KimChay writers branch out and get absolutely unhinged with their AUs!

19. You're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

Lets be real. My first answer was non-con. There's really not a lot I'm ashamed about lol. I mean I've got like 3 different tentacle monster fics in the works, I've got a Wuju Bakery fic that's 90% slime and oviposition (technically still up for debate. Eggpreg?). I'm all in on the things I like, and don't care/think much about the things I don't. I think I've been in fandom long enough, and gotten old enough, that I just... don't have time to waste on being awkward anymore. Lose your shame! Cast off your shackles! That said I used to think rimming was really gross and I don't like it irl but there are some people who just write it like. unf. Hot damn. I'm a little mad at @ae-azile for that one chapter of Progression 👀

Also not mad/ashamed/horrified, but I was surprised at how much I love reading autistic Kim and writing trans!Kim. For the first one I think the writers in this fandom do an excellent and convincing job at characterizing him (esp @kimkhimhant my beloved <3) without infantilizing him, which... happens a lot with autistic characters. Like, the writing is so spot on that I didn't even question in, I pretty much immediately assimilated that into my mental rolodex of headcanons. 10/10 A+ effort for everyone around.

The trans!Kim aspect is also really fun. I'd never really written trans characters before, but this past year, and the past couple of months especially, I've been really struggling with my own gender and identity. So writing about that through Kim has been really therapeutic. (Adding to my first answer, we need more trans!Kim!) Although... I do hope that the particular way I've chosen to explore his gender in Dystocia is.. taken gracefully. Since it does revolve around Kim having a very traumatic pregnancy (and a lot of other trauma in general), which I know can be triggering for people. Whenever I eventually post that monster of a fic I'm just going to liberally tag it with all the things and hope for the best lol.

I think Dystocia and Stress Relief are two fics that I'm incredibly nervous to post, both because of how personally significant they are to me in a way most of my fics aren't, and because they're both very dark, which IDK if that's something people really want to see from KimChay (esp in Stress Relief).

Anyway! This is a lot wordier and darker than it probably needed to be, and IDK if it's what you were looking for dear anon, but thank you for the ask!

[vicekillx]

UPDATE: 2024

Usually I make these kinds of post around New Years, but this year I didn't really have anything to say. But now we're a month in and I definitely do.

I feel…different, this year. In a good way, I think. I feel like I'm tired of being complacent and riding coattails. This month has been a whirlwind of getting my shit in line. So far I:

handled two serious family crises smoothly and picked myself back up quickly from both

called my health insurance (phone calls have historically been an hours-long meltdown-inducing debacle for me) twice to switch my PCP because the previous one was consistently booked 3-6 months out and she just forgot to mention the inhaler I pulled out of my bag to show her at my first appointment so I couldn't get a refill on it or my nebulizer when I had COVID; that's been getting put off since August of last year

made an appointment with said new PCP for Feb 1, and I'm hoping they'll be able to refer me to a dentist and optometrist because I desperately need both

got back into therapy with an autism/ADHD specialist who can help me manage those specifically after my previous therapist didn't understand why I couldn't just Do It™; also have assessments lined up for both to get diagnoses

pay more attention to my health in general, including diet and exercise. I'm already down about 10 lb

restructured my planner to include a mood tracker and sleep tracker, and have been better about staying on top of it

got Trello up and running and so far it's working really well for me

have been doing my house chores more consistently, namely cleaning litter boxes and taking care of my snakes and tarantulas (roommates have been picking up my slack but they shouldn't have to, they're my animals)

am able to work more consistently on my designated work days; before it was a lot of chipping away and putting things off rather than sitting down and making actually decent progress

am finally starting a tattoo sleeve I've wanted for a very, very long time as a belated birthday gift to myself

am consistently filling stream sketch slots, which means I can actually make money and pay my bills on-time (and a huge, huge thank you to everyone who signs up, I'm pretty sure this is the primary reason I've been able to pull myself out of the hole. Financial stability is a hell of a drug)

This year I wanna try really hard to keep the train moving along this track. If things keep going the way they are, I could potentially make some pretty big changes in the not so distant future. Some things I'm brainstorming:

UnholyFans

merch other than stickers (seriously I have so many designs in mind, I just haven't had the drive to work on them or the upfront capital to order inventory)

more monster/demon adoptables

I would really like to collab with some other artists, it's been too fuckin long

website restructure

picking up my side business (I did literally zero pieces for it last year oof), ideally with a rebrand

get back into conventions and try some new crowds: reptile/exotic expos, tattoo conventions, oddities expos, sex conventions, BDSM groups…

push the stream setup to be more professional

rekindling the spark for my personal stories and headworld projects

more I have written down somewhere but can't think of off the top of my head

And to be clear, I'm optimistic, but also a realist. I know from experience that shit changes and I could hit a massive depressive slump in a month or two and be back to where I was for most of last year. I'm still not going to promise anything I'm not confident I can deliver. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I already got sidetracked with this post, so I'm gonna make a second to get to my original point and I'll come back and add a link to this one when I do. But suffice to say I want to try - again - to breathe some kind of life back into my SubscribeStar. I have some ideas in mind, but I want to hear yall's opinions on it too.

Watch this space ♥

[owlsong74]

thoughts and opinions on the D23 parks announcements under the cut. it's pretty long and rambly, and written as much to get my own thoughts in order as to share them. That said, would gladly hear others' opinions.

(edit: this was written before monday's news, and I've soured on the announcements related to the upper left corner of MK since then)

TLDR: It's more good than bad. A few good things I'm genuinely excited for, and some bad things tempering them. The bad things would have hurt a lot 10 years ago, but Disney is getting predictable in their faults, and we didn't get the worst possible outcomes, so whatever.

The Good

New nighttime parade MK -- genuinely good news, and it looks lovely

Coco DCA -- happy to see this! very cute. I like the sound of focusing on animatronics and use of music. I'm glad its not going to Epcot as was rumored, so we can still have the Three Caballeros there, and enjoy a new, unique dark ride in California. may tip the scales in favor of me wanting to go to DCA every DL trip again alongside Ariel/Monsters/Cars for the dark ride goodness. Basically no notes. Just want to know location and more details.

Lion King Flume, WDS paris -- very weird that they announced that it would be based on the original movie while the concept art very clearly shows the "live action" version. maybe a recent change? It's a good change if so. (Although still very unprofessional to show a Live Action concept art when it probably could've been edited to show the Animated characters within hours of the event.)

This is the resort's first water ride and is badly needed both on that front and as another attraction in WDS' sad lineup.

Will be excited to see more art for this, based on the original movie this time, and especially of interior scenes-- imagine a dark ride version for "I just can't wait to be king"!

A surrounding land was announced with shops/restaurants and I'm curious how they plan on pulling that off, given the humanless, naturalistic setting and relatively less-anthropomorphized characters.

Good idea for park and resort and looking forward to it!

Mostly good with complicating thoughts

Pandora DCA -- as someone who has seen neither of the Avatar movies, but enjoyed Pandora in Florida, I'm looking forward to this, but with less excitement than Coco.

I do like atmospheric boat rides and this looks more impressive than the one in Florida, which I already enjoyed. It seems to be based on the Pirates tech in Shanghai, which will be cool to have stateside. I hope some of the monsters are animatronics.

This addition basically confirms that the California theme for the park is dead, but I really gave up on that several years ago; this was just the final nail in the coffin. DCA is an Everything Park, and that's fine. Whatever. Making it a dumping ground for whatever movie franchise Disney wants to promote in its parks acts as a buffer for the more historical and foundational park, Disneyland. In addition, the California theme was also never uniformly executed well, which makes its watering down much less painful than the watering down of Epcot or Animal Kingdom's themes.

I'm hoping this is slated for the Disneyland Forward land, but I'm hearing it may take over Hollywoodland as well. I'd personally miss the Monsters Inc dark ride and be nostalgic for things like the Animation building or stupid backlot puns, but I don't think there's any reasonable argument that this wouldn't be an upgrade.

Tropical Americas DAK-- the way they described it makes it sound like it should fit in well with other areas of the park, matching Africa and Asia better than Dinoland did, and more generally that the Imagineers are putting a lot of thought into its design. I'm glad Indy is not a carbon copy of the one in California, and the Encanto dark ride sounds cute.

On a more meta level, I'm glad they are still designing and building themed lands that have more than one IP applicable to them, and even the opportunity/necessity for original elements.

I'm personally sorry to lose Dinosaur. It was my favorite attraction on my first trip to Florida as a pre-teen and I love the dinosaurs and kooky premise. That said, we've thought it was going to close for years now, so I've had time to come to terms with it.

It still sucks that they are doing replacements instead of building real expansions when they have the space for it and DAK needs all the capacity it can get. I also hope someday the animal-themed park may feature non-avian dinosaurs again. Overall though, I was happily surprised with how they seem to be handling this.

One remaining question: where are the animal exhibits...?? Isn't this park primarily supposed to be about seeing animals?

Monsters Inc roller coaster DHS -- This has been a rumor on the internet ever since I was a child in the 00s watching Screamscape.net and Disney park fan forums like a hawk. It's a no-brainer and it'll be a fun addition to DHS.

Hoping they're killing the Animation Courtyard for this and not Muppets. Muppet*Vision 3-D isn't an E ticket by any means but it was one of the last major Muppet projects that Jim Henson himself worked on, and has already been evicted from DCA. It's a cute show and one of the better 4D shows at the parks. Its loss would be felt.

VillainsLand MK - YES. This has also been rumored since forever. Again, at least since the early-mid 00s when I first got online. We got basically no details on this, but the art looks cool, and the concept alone is an immediate sell! Very excited for this!

Two reasons why this is in this tier instead of the "good" tier:

1. We don't have any details. Like, for a detail-dry panel, somehow we got even less info for this than for everything else. trying to reserve judgement until we know more.

2. If this is going behind Big Thunder, that means the Cars attractions might be going in a much worse location within Frontierland, which will hurt MK's thematic integrity and atmosphere pretty hard. Admittedly, this is mostly Cars' problem, but it did temper my excitement for this pretty badly during the announcement itself. If we're lucky, both projects are beyond the railroad tracks, even if they shorten the River à la California.

i dont care

all the marvel stuff. Like Pandora, I'm not very familiar with the source material. unlike Pandora, I haven't been impressed with Disney's offerings so far (with the caveat that I haven't gone on Rewind yet, which does sound better than the DCA attractions).

If they blow my socks off, cool! Awesome! If not, whatever. I'm glad others are having fun, and unlike in the past, this time they aren't replacing anything I care about.

Non-parade nightime shows. I'm sure they'll be fine. I don't love Disney Animation sing-along format shows (especially outside of Fantasmic, where a lot of the interest comes in the form of props, actors, the use of the big river ships, and the dragon). However, I realize this is very much a me thing, and their mere existence doesn't bother me.

cruises and fortnite. I'm not the audience for these things and I don't even understand why fortnite costume announcements were part of this panel.

...huh?

Great Moments with Mr. Disney or whatever DL -- It's mere existence vexes me, but more out of an intolerance for corporate worship of the man than anything to do with my theme park opinions.

I wonder if they'll also update the Lincoln figure to match him in tech? That would be neat, at least. Keeping Abe updated to the latest Animatronics tech is a long-kept tradition, and the last update was back in 2009.

If nothing else, we'll probably get some banger memes out of it.

bad

Cars in Frontierland MK -- ?????????????? why are we doing this. are we really sacrificing the thematic integrity of the land, and for the sake of the Cars franchise, of all things?

I only hope that this is in the area behind Big Thunder. If it's back there, it may feel like a modern sub-land separate from the more traditional "Western" sections, with a transitional area in-between. It would even follow the already-established pattern of moving forward in time as you walk from Liberty Square through Frontierland. The Cars ride itself could even be cute and better than DCA's if handled well.

However, it doesn't seem like we are so lucky.

The announcement of Villainsland and the rumors of Tom Sawyer Island closure make it seem more likely to be taking over the Rivers of America, at least the back half of it.

Edit, with the new Monday announcement:

It's not only taking over part of the river, it's taking over the front half, with the back half probably being used by Villains. This is the stupidest, most short-sighted decision I think I've seen Disney take in a long time.

MK's river is very nice, especially at night, and the TSI is absolutely delightful, if simple, and a good place to beat the crowds and concrete found in the rest of the park. Neither are E-ticket extravaganzas, but they aren't meant to be, offering a different kind of low-key attraction, and adding a lot of atmosphere to MK.

That atmosphere also includes placemaking for the three E-tickets in the area: Haunted Mansion, Tiana, and Big Thunder. All three will be negatively impacted by this change.

These things might not sound like much, but they add up and make the Disney parks what they are, and why they are loved.

It'd be a huge shame to lose such an asset to the park, especially one that still a nearly untouched example of classic WED imagineering, between the sightlines, the river gags, the island caves, the riverboat, and everything else.

(And this not even reiterating the fact that Cars does not "fit" comfortably inside the bounds of the historically based lands around the river, which I already mentioned in my initial paragraphs.)

This decision is not easily reversible and wrecks the entire balance and design of the entire northwest corner of the park, all for the sake of selling cars merch. It's times like this where I wonder why I even bother being a fan of these places. Or, for that matter, of themed design in general.

Why can't this be its own separate land from Frontierland, as with Cars Land in DCA? Why not in DHS, which badly needs more capacity and already houses other difficult-to-fit-elsewhere Pixar movies like Toy Story, Monsters Inc, and even Cars already?

/edit

I don't know. I hope the rides are fun, at least.

what we didn't see

Literally anything not based on a pre-established property would have been nice to see. Can we literally do nothing original anymore in these parks? Are the parks always going to be tied to movies from now on, like at Uni?

Where's this generation's Pirates of the Caribbean, Big Thunder Mountain, Spaceship Earth, Sindbad, Country Bears, Soarin' Over California, Expedition Everest, Test Track, Etc Etc Etc? Let Imagineers create their own stories and experiences for us to fall in love with! Have some trust in the medium!

I'm of course not totally against rides being based on movies or TV. Indiana Jones, Snow White, Tower of Terror, and Rise of the Resistance are some of my favorite attractions, period. But it's disappointing as someone who got interested in Disney in general through the parks, and not the other way around, to see them do nothing but tie-ins.

It also makes it harder to defend themed design as an art-form unto itself when the industry leader in the US, and in many ways the main innovator in the medium for multiple decades, only seems to treat its parks as a merchandising and marketing arm for its film and tv properties and little else.

/fin rant

We also didn't see the announcement for a new Tomorrowland for Disneyland, which was heavily rumored. It's disappointing to see the land stagnate for another decade, but tbh, I would be happy to let the current moment pass before they completely redo this land again.

It certainly needs the help. Literally anything would be better for the Carousel Theater's plot of land or the Magic Eye Theater than what currently exists-- even if it's not my cup of tea, it'd be a use for dead space in a park short on expansion land. Autopia needs electric vehicles at a minimum (although I'd love to see some new, cool theming or landscaping along the track as well), the Peoplemover tracks either need to be reused or torn down, Astro Orbiter needs to be moved to open up the entrance bottleneck, and tbh Star Tours is outmoded by the new Star Wars land.

However, I don't trust them not to pave over the Submarine Lagoon, and this is important enough to me to let the husk of Innoventions rot for another decade in exchange.

I would honestly be fine if Disneyland and Disneyland Paris (the castle park from the second generation of Imagineers) were largely untouched until winds have changed in favor of a bit of respect for what already exists, original works, and coherent non-single-franchise-specific lands again. Luckily we have DCA and WDS, whose needs are still more urgent anyway.

Finally, we also didn't see the constantly rumored Imagination Pavilion update. Imo, this is fine for the same reason. Figment and Dreamfinder deserve better than an Inside Out reskin.

However, as far as Epcot goes, it would have been nice to get the Play Pavilion and Mary Poppins ride back on the docket. It's also weird we got a mention of Test Track 3.0 but no new details or art.

Conclusion

This panel could have been way worse than it was, and I'm excited for some of the new attractions.

The disappointments were more of the same-old things I've started to expect with Disney parks, with nothing original, and the continued disintegration of park-level (DCA, to a lesser extent DAK) and land-level (Frontierland) themes.

However, the things announced look to be quality in isolation if nothing else, and they're unique to their respective parks, which is a good change from copying everything verbatim from one coast to another. I'm genuinely excited for the Coco boat ride, Lion King Flume, Villains land, and new nighttime parade, and cautiously optimistic for much of the rest.

The downsides felt like nothing near the disappointments of the past, where they announced rides I didn't care about to replace classics that didn't deserve to die, and made the offputting decision to put Star Wars Land in Disneyland instead of saving it for a 3rd park or keeping it unique to Florida.

(Although, frankly, Cars for Frontierland might be worse than SWGE in DL, and the difference is simply that I'm used to disappointment now. Edit: with Monday's announcement, I'm sure of this. SWGE is a lop-sided, unbalanced, out-of-scale addition to Disneyland, but at least it leaves the original park largely intact, and feels like a Separate Thing beyond the bounds of the berm/railroad)

Overall, not a bad showing.

[magicalyaku]

I had vacation and tooth surgery and thus a lot of time to be lazy! <3 A chunk of it I spent listening to the narrations of some creepypasta series. Though, honestly, I'm not sure they can be called that? They're more episodic paranormal stories. Yes, there's monsters running around and dangerous, maybe scary stuff going on, but they're also incredibly wholesome and soo sweet and very queer! So if you're into that, go look for the stories written by @02321 on r/nosleep and Youtube! My Name's Skyler, I'm a Freelance P.I. narrated by Baron Landred (the title on r/nosleep is I Work as a P.I and a Government Agent approached me to help with a case) and I Deliver Mail to Cryptids narrated by Animas. (And also a bunch of stories more set in the same universe of the Silver King.)

Now back to our regular books! We have 4 princes, 2 kings and 1 queen this month!

Banshee Blues (Nina Blazon): I'm in the editing process of my latest novel, which I'm writing in German, so I felt I should read a German, non-translated book for once. This was the only one in my pile but it is from my favourite German author, so all was well. I have a lot to thank her for. The first novel read from her was Der Dunkle Kuss der Sterne (The Stars' Dark Kiss) and that was the first time I liked first-person viewpoint! Her next book had split POV and different tenses and I had to admit it was done well. Banshee Blues was not quite up to par with her previous works but it went a few new directions than usual which was nice as well. It tried very hard to lead you astray with what's going on and who is evil and who isn't. And while I liked how things turned out between the two leads it would have been monumental to have them stay platonic.

The Fallen King's Penitent Soldier (Tales of the High Court 5) (Megan Derr): Sigh, it's been a ride. I had a good time with the whole series. I love the worldbuilding, really. But it is alright to end it here, while it's still good, you know. In a way, these five stories are all built very similar: Being kidnapped by bad guys, running from the bad guys or running after the bad guys for the first half and afterwards waiting to let other people sort it out. There's probably a limited amount of iterations you can go through while still be interesting. But for these five volumes it was fun! As for book 5 by itself, I think it's a good thing it comes so late in the series. Because it really takes its time. There's a lot introspection going on for the two protagonists which is okay because they go through a lot but it's also very long and sometimes not much else happens. I liked the two of them, I liked how religion was handled, I liked how it went full circle back to Allen's story. I liked the series. Good times. :)

Prince & Knight (Daniel Haack & Stevie Lewis): I wanted this for the pretty pictures. But apparently the universe didn't want me to? I ordered this last year already, but the package went on an odyssee through several cities without ever arriving at my home. I ordered it again this year and … the same thing happened?! 8D The odyssee was shorter this time, mind you, but … why again?! I tried a third time and ordered it for pick up at a local bookstore and that finally worked. Geez! It's a children's picture book so the story is as basic as it goes. Is it goo for children? I wouldn't know. The dragon doesn't die and it's very sweet and very pretty.

In all seinen Farben (Boy Queen) (George Lester): I had some exhausting weeks at work and thought I could use something inspirational. Something about finding your own way and shine. Which happens in this book but there's also a lot of drama going on and I was not prepared for the rock-bottom-hit in the beginning. xD I mean, it was written in the blurb but I've owned the book for a year why should I reread the blurb … I know nothing about drag or make-up or anything in that direction (I did watch like 15 minutes of the drag show at Comic Con Stuttgart last year but that hardly counts), so it was charming and interesting to read about.

We Could Be so Good (Cat Sebastian): I have to apologise to everyone on the waitlist for this at my library because I could have read it faster but … once I realised what sort of direction the 70% drama might take I had a tough time reading on. They were so happy and it was nice and I just did not want to suffer! I did assume, since the book goes out of its way to address how all queer books published during the mid of the last century would have to end badly (and the protagonist outright refusing to read them therefore), it would probably take a turn for a happy ending. That was the only hope that kept me going. If I had known any of the author's other work I maybe wouldn't have worried so much, because it's written in her bio already that she'll only write happy endings?! Well … So for anyone else fearing the drama of a book set in 1959: No queer person was harmed in this book! (Nothing major anyway.) I like the book, though! Enjoyed reading it. Nick and Andy are both sweet. But that fear did something to me, took me a while to recover. :'D

Prince & Assasssin (Perilous Courts 1) (Tavia Lark): I needed something simple for my fragile heart and it seems gay fantasy is my comfort read now in the same way my mom reads stuff named like "The Little Bakery at XYZ Street". And what should I tell you, yeah, there're men who are tenderly and not so tenderly intimate with each other, yeah yeah, but there's also giant talking cats! Giant talking cats! Also, I really like the author's writing style. It's so smooth! I started reading and didn't want to put it down anymore because it read so smoothly! The book itself was so much better than I had expected (which was basically nothing). It won't blow you off your feet but it's pretty enjoyable and surprisingly wholesome. Also the worldbuilding felt just right. I'm looking forward to reading the next volumes soon!

King of Immortal Tithe (Darkmourn 2) (Ben Alderson): Did I buy the expensive hardcover just because I like the illustration more than the one of the paperback? Why hello, that's me. So this is the second fae book I read this year. It's apparently a universal truth now that fae men are the most beautiful and well endowed beings on earth and beyond. Not that I mind, you do you, but why does fae anatomy work the same as humans' actually? Anyway, this is a stand-alone in a series of stories all set within the same universe. I like that concept. Hunting for pieces of lore is fun. Arlo is a feisty character so following him was enjoyable. The switch from enemy to lovers was kinda sudden like … I can see why but personally it still felt sudden. Also Faenir calling Arlo constantly Darling was not my taste but you know, if it's just that, I can overlook it. The twist at the end had me barking out evil laughter (which means approval). I did hold back reading the final chapter until I read the first volume as not to spoil any more! (While they are stand-alones the previous story is referenced in this one.)

Lord of Eternal Night (Darkmourn 1) (Ben Alderson): "He was so tall and his hands were so large and his length was so great and so thick my fingers couldn't touch reaching around it. He was not just a man, he was a god!" I laughed. That's not a literal quote, but a good summary. Yeah. I laughed. And while praising one guy he was also dissing his former lover, the baker's son, for not being as large. Not the poor lad's fault, no need to get mean! Should have known at that point already who was the true evil mastermind. :'P. But in all fairness, there is a little more going on in the story. And well, these books know very well what kind of fantasy they're catering. There's a short guy, a little crafty and feisty, not too weak, and the very tall, very beautiful guy who everyone says is evil, but turns out he isn't so evil, he just has a tragic past, he also falls very hard for the protagonist and oops, maybe he does have some capacity for evil. I did like how the story subverted who's good and who's bad like three times. Otherwise, it's not really complex. But I'm kinda into the ending.

Alpha of Mortal Flesh (Darkmourn 3) (Ben Alderson): The third installment in the series, they've been getting more elaborate with each volume. So instead of the 2 and 3 half characters we had in the first one, there's actually a whole cast in here with motivations and backstories. That was nice. The writing style, however, is still as … trying as hard as in the beginning. It's not bad, mind you, I commend it for trying to use the full range of the English language, but there's a lot of words, making everything longer than needed, and sometimes their choice is really weird. Example: "My tongue broke free. It slithered from the confines of my mouth." But it's just a normal human tongue licking something eagerly yet still very normally! And, they're indie books, yeah, but I do wish all three books would have gone through another round of editing. The unnecessary repetitions and errors made me suffer a little. And while I got a little bored and impatient at the end I do like the story and what it's trying to do. Just that it was trying too hard in some aspects of the writing and not hard enough in others.

That's it for July! Apparently, August will be library month again. My TBR bookshelf disapproves but duh. Let's go and have fun. :P

[rallamajoop]

Hi I absolutely love your fics, they are very well written and I feel like you totally understand the characters! If you are okay with NSFW asks, do you see Ethan as a top or a bottom? I personally like to see him as a very bossy power bottom! He already spent so many years being the top (assuming Mia didn't peg him lmao) I like the idea of Ethan being wrecked lmao.

Happy with NSFW asks, but this almost seems like a non-question! Pushy-bottom!Ethan is basically the whole fandom consensus, and I'm all for it (if you couldn't tell from, well, everything I've posted so far*). You can certainly make a case for other takes, but Ethan's whole story is basically him being thrown into horrific situations he's in no way prepared for, but which he still mostly rolls with by getting mouthier the longer things go on, until I'm just here going, Ethan, ETHAN! DO NOT TAUNT THE CREEPY FISH-MAN, ETHAN, what are you doing omg- (Seriously, it's great!) The whole world wants to top poor Ethan (bareback without lube), and it does not care much for informed consent, so it's a good thing I can see him being into that.

At the risk of going all PSA though, I feel kind of obligated to point out that being 'the top' isn't all about who-penetrates-who. It's not even necessarily who's physically on top (though that can certainly help), nearly so much as it's about who's calling the shots. So Mia could have topped with Ethan even without strap-ons involved, and I see no reason why Ethan wouldn't have been into that (heck, it's even a minor plot point in Two-Finger Salute). It seems pretty in-character for Mia too.

But I'm not here to say Ethan's always got to be the pushy bottom. I can see him pushing a lot less in relationships where there's more trust, I've read some very interesting mould-monster-top!Ethan fic, and I'm always up for some switching. I can see Heisenberg really getting into lying back and inviting a slightly-stunned Ethan to give him a good hard pounding once in a while, just for one ‒ variety is the spice of smut (if not also life as well).

* Well, certainly in One More Happy Ending, at least. Two-Finger Salute is more Ethan being confused and aroused by the discovery he wants to bottom to things that could have him for breakfast, but then he does spend most of the action trying to let Heisenberg know he's not going to just roll over and take it, so. Ethan in Medical Log isn't really in a position to do much pushing, on account of being restrained and gagged, but, look, he had to be gagged, or no power on earth would have made him shut up long enough for Heisenberg to get on with the (ahem) Very Important Scientific Work he was doing, so I think the point stands. The man has a tsundere streak I do not think we can blame him for.

[xbuster]

Pardon me if this is jumping the gun and you planned to do this after your cutie honey viewing, but what's your general opinion/take on the tone of the series as a whole? I've heard a lot of mixed stuff, ranging from it being sexual in a tasteless and often concerning way to it being a fun, cute erotica series. From your gifs especially a-go-go it's making me want to watch it and to me itooks like a fun time, but I wanted a little insight form someone who's viewed the series a whole and recently too

Well, I haven't viewed the series as a whole yet since I haven't finished the original anime (though I'm around halfway through so my opinion on it is pretty decided), Flash (and it's movie), or The Live, (and a couple manga like the seemingly unimportant sequel written by Go Nagai and some spin-offs) but my opinion on the franchise from all that I've seen has been all over the place and I simultaneously loathe and love it. This is because that both of what you've heard about it is right. It is tasteless and gross and it is cute ecchi (I can't say it ever really becomes erotica but Re: Cutie Honey got very close). It really depends on what you read and watch. I'll tell you my opinion on each entry of the Cutie Honey franchise I've consumed so far and whether I think it's worth checking out.

Go Nagai's original Cutie Honey manga: This is where it all started. It's also the worst part of Cutie Honey and it's not even close. My opinion of Go Nagai is very low. Of his big hits, I've read Cutie Honey and Devilman, but I've also read a few of his other works and of all of them, I've only enjoyed Devilman (I am planning on reading Mazinger Z eventually too though). The rest is all atrocious. Go Nagai is a terrible mangaka. It's actually amazing that I really loved Devilman because I had bought Cutie Honey thinking that I would love a magical girl manga written by the man who could create something as unique an experience as Devilman and it ended up being one of the worst things I've read. Almost all the fan service comes from sexually assaulting Honey, it's very uncomfortable to read. The plot isn't very interesting until like halfway through volume 2, but by that point the story is already almost over. There's a reason it was cancelled. No, it's not worth reading, but unfortunately it did shape how most Cutie Honey adaptations were structured so reading it does set you up to understand the many references the other manga and anime will make to it. It's up to you if you want to actually read that, but it's only 2 volumes long so it's a quick read at least.

The first Cutie Honey anime from 1973: This is what made Cutie Honey into an icon. It ignored almost everything from the manga to make it into something enjoyable, mostly just borrowing characters, enemies, and abilities from the manga while focusing on making an enjoyable monster of the week show. Fan service is often, but fairly light, so it's not as uncomfortable as it was in the manga. Honey actually has a personality in the anime. In the manga, she was kind of incompetent and whiny with nothing really interesting about her. In the anime, she's witty, funny, and really skilled at dealing with her enemies. This means she's fun to watch when she's posing as a civilian because she'll charm you with her personality and she's fun to watch as a fighter because the action scenes are well composed and she has many ways to fight Panther Claw. The manga didn't feel like it took advantage of her ability to transform at all, despite that being her main draw. The anime introduces a ton of different forms, with new ones being introduced each episode. The first episode introduced her main 5 forms outside of her identity as Honey Kisaragi and Cutie Honey and has a fight scene with every single transformation. This was a great way of showcasing her abilities as a fighter. It was honestly really impressive. This anime is a must-watch, it lays the foundation for what other good adaptations would borrow from.

Hideaki Anno's live action Cutie Honey movie: This was the first thing I had seen with the name Cutie Honey on it that I actually enjoyed. Its relationship to previous versions of Cutie Honey is thin, really just using the general idea of the character of Cutie Honey and the names of some other characters from the manga. The roles these characters fill are almost completely different from their original incarnations except for maybe on or two surface level similarities. This actually works in its favor because of how bad the original manga was. Anno's vision is fresh and the plot is engaging. It has some problems, like Honey's characterization not being very good, and some of the lighter moments being a bit boring, but whenever Panther Claw appears it becomes very fun with really unique fight choreography and special effects you could only see from a team that worked on Gainax anime. There's some fan service, but it wasn't as ecchi as the manga and anime. It's not a must-watch, but it is worth your time and serves as the groundwork for the next two entries.

Cutie Honey a Go Go!: This manga is very loosely based on the screenplay for Hideaki Anno's movie. There are common elements that both share, but it's ultimately a very original story when compared to the movie. It's also pretty fun. It's a lot more focused on the character of Natsuko Aki, with Honey not even being involved much until a few chapters in. It's a fresh idea to follow a character who isn't Honey, but I really like how Honey was portrayed in this manga and while I did like Natsuko, I still probably would have preferred to see more of Honey. But like Go Nagai's original, this manga was sadly cancelled with volume 2 and ends on a cliffhanger reminiscent of the original. It's a fun read, but you won't get a complete story. The art breathes new life into Honey and while I wished there was more, I still enjoyed my time with it. It was also the closest to being as ecchi as the original manga, but it's actually fun with it and it never made me uncomfortable to see Honey suddenly get naked.

Re: Cutie Honey: This is the horniest Cutie Honey anime I have seen and it's amazing for it. Gainax knew how to do fan service and since this was an OVA and not a TV anime, they were allowed to go all out with it. Instead of feeling like Honey was constantly getting assaulted, the scenes where her clothes are shredded or characters are suddenly naked feels more playful, and at times erotic (especially episode 2 when she has an intimate moment with a certain character). This anime is very clearly based off Hideaki Anno's movie. Like all the characters from the movie appear in the OVA, they have similar roles and similar design philosophies, but most of their characterization and arcs are different and that helps elevate it over the movie. Honey isn't as naive and annoying, she's more like the Honey from the original anime. Witty and funny, playful and sexy. She's a competent fighter and fun to watch in any situation. It's not at all like Nagai's original vision and that's what makes it so good. Definitely a must-watch.

Cutie Honey Universe: Probably the most disappointing entry on this list. It's started off interesting. It looked to be the closest adaptation of Nagai's manga while distancing itself from the main elements of what made the manga so bad. It was a TV anime, so it wasn't very explicit, but the Blu-ray release uncensored it. But it still wasn't on the level of ecchi you would see in Re or even a Go Go. Unfortunately, it was still trying to somewhat adapt Nagai's manga and that really held it back when Universe would decide to recreate scenes from the manga. While they weren't as bad as the original, these scenes still weren't very good most of the time. The characters of Junpei and Danbei were dialed back in the 1973 anime, but they're far more annoying in this. Even the original parts of the plot (of which there are a LOT) weren't good. Like at all. By the midpoint I had gotten so bored that I put it on hold for half a year and when I got back to watching it, it was just bad. It was not a good anime and I wouldn't recommend it unless you really just want to watch everything Cutie Honey. The character designs were so 2010's anime with barely any originality, it would get really bright sometimes and wash out the details in the art for no reason, and most of the actual animation wasn't very good. And not in a charming way like the 1973 anime. I don't know, there were some things I liked but they would usually go to waste. It was just really disappointing because I think there was potential. It was also the only series to not use the iconic theme song.

tl;dr definitely watch 1973 and Re: Cute Honey, they're fantastic. Watch the Anno movie before Re if you want to see what Re borrows from it, but you don't need to. Read a Go Go if you like any of the three I just mentioned because it's also fun. If you really want to know what Cutie Honey was intended to be, read the original manga first, but definitely avoid it if you don't care. Universe isn't as bad as the original manga, but it's also not really worth watching for any reason besides just wanting to watch all Cutie Honey anime because it was honestly pretty boring.

Hope that helps!

[davidmariottecomics]

Week 86 - 8/28/23 - A BLUE BEETLE MOVIE???

Hi there, 

It probably isn't news as it's a pretty popular film in theaters right now, but there's a Blue Beetle movie out! And it's a lot of fun! 

If you didn't know, Ted Kord, the second Blue Beetle, is my favorite superhero. There's a pretty good joke in the new movie about the difference between Ted and Batman, and not to step on the punchline, but it boils down to Ted knows how to laugh. He's a character frequently written to have a sense of humor, to know a good joke, and to be the dramatic superheroic straightman when it counts. He is not exactly an everyman--he's a genius, he dresses up in a silly costume, and he's rich--but in a lot of ways, he's just a guy trying to do the right thing because he can. 

And he casts a long shadow over the new movie, which is about Jaime Reyes--fantastically played by the dreamy Xolo Maridueña--who I don't love quite as much as Ted, but who I think is himself a great and important character. He's a very different hero. He's got a sense of humor, he's got a good heart, but his relationship with his family, with his friends, with the scarab, and with the Blue Beetle legacy allows him to be something totally apart from Ted. The movie takes a lot of liberties--it's part Spider-Man, part Ant-Man, part Green Lantern (though... honestly probably better than the past few recent film adaptations of those characters)--but it doesn't run from the truth of who Jaime is as a character, which I think makes it all the better. The best superhero movie projects don't try to be just an adaptation, but to take what makes the hero great, understand it, and share it in a way that makes them more accessible and loom larger as a hero. 

I don't want to spoil anything, but there was one extremely stupid part that made me tear up (out of just finally getting to see a thing on-screen and knowing there's some practical version of it out there and honestly, a little bit jealousy). If you see me, or want to reach out and ask about it, I'll gladly tell you. 

But there's a Blue Beetle movie. And even though I saw it and really quite liked it... I kinda still can't believe it. 

Next week: No blog on the website/newsletter! There is a Patreon post scheduled if you need your fix, going out to all backers at $5 or more a month! But I'm outta town and will see you when I return. 

What I enjoyed this week: Blank Check (Podcast), Yu-Gi-Oh: Duel Links (Video Game), Craig of the Creek (Cartoon), Honkai Star Rail (Video game), My Adventures with Superman (Cartoon), The Broken Room by Peter Clines (Book), Dumbing of Age (Webcomic), Solve This Murder (Podcast), The Venture Bros: Radiant is the Blood of the Baboon Heart (Movie--which my pal Phil Murphy worked on!), Kaiju No. 8 (Manga), Kaguya-Sama: Love is War (Manga), Blue Beetle (Movie--duh), Oldboy (Movie), Witch Watch (Manga), Becca playing a little more Persona 5, Tangled (Movie), Jurassic Park (Movie), D.E.B.S. (Movie) 

New Releases this week (8/23/2023): Godzilla Monsters & Protectors: All Hail the King TPB (Editor--on the latter half)

Final Order Cut-Off next week (8/28/2023--last day to get your preorders in): Sonic the Hedgehog #65

New Releases next week (8/30/2023): Godzilla Rivals: Vs. SpaceGodzilla (Supervising Editor) Sonic the Hedgehog: Endless Summer (A very silly credit) Sonic the Hedgehog: Scrapnik Island TPB (Editor) 

Announcements: Becca is at Cartoon-a Palooza in Temecula on 9/15 & 9/16. It's a cool free all-ages little con, so come on out and see them!

Wanna support me? Consider joining my Patreon! I've got a bunch of cool stuff coming up and already on there. As well as some silly stuff like a tour of my desk, so you can see where the comics magic happens! I've got a bunch of stuff scheduled for September already and there'll always be more! 

I have a webstore! It does look like I'm going to get a small supplement to my Beast Wars Vol. 3 stock, which is nice, but most everything else, I am not going to have more of anytime soon! Maybe give it a look! 

I've still got a few things on my eBay, if you're looking for stuff! But obviously, anything that would get shipped out won't until I'm back!  Pic of the Week: It was National Cinema Day yesterday, which is why Becca and I went to Blue Beetle ($4 tickets to the movies!). But they had to work, so I went and saw a second film, the 20th anniversary screening of Park Chan-wook's Oldboy. And the theater that was showing Oldboy had a special Cinema Day deal on the Blue Beetle backback popcorn bucket, so I did pick it up because that with a popcorn and a drink was still significantly cheaper than the bucket usually is by itself. So here's a photo of Becca modeling it. 

[templegate]

While I've seen plenty of criticisms of Outlast for ableism/stigmatizing mental illness (because your enemies are murder-happy asylum inmates), I honestly beg to differ—at least for the most part. For one thing, only a handful of inmates actually attack you. Most of the other patients there are either in shock or just trying to lay low and stay alive through all the chaos going on around them. Even the more proactive of the non-combatant characters, such as the pyro you encounter in the kitchen, are just trying to get out—and their desperation is made to be pretty relatable. Even the boss characters like Chris Walker and Eddie Gluskin were victims of the asylum. For crying out loud, the Whistleblower DLC opens with Eddie getting dragged into the morphogenic engine kicking and screaming and begging for help—it's what solidifies Waylon Park's determination to take down Murkoff. Even when you find Eddie's files later on and see that, yes, he was already a murderer before he wound up in Mount Massive, that also comes with notes about the sexual abuse he experienced as a child and his denial of it. It doesn't excuse his actions—of course it doesn't—but it shows that he didn't become the way he is from nothing. Furthermore, the entire Mount Massive arc focuses so heavily on the theme of abuse of power. The patients are enduring horrific experimentation at the hands of people like Blair and Trager, and that is what sets up the rest of the story. The people running the show are the catalysts for all hell breaking loose—not the patients, who are instead victims of a system that is exploiting them by pushing them past their mental and physical limits, and has no qualms about treating them as replaceable test subjects. They are already sick people thrust into terrifying circumstances. Some of them were already dangerous to begin with, but most of them were not. They were all in a place that was supposed to help them cope with their conditions and rehabilitate, but instead were exploited and had their issues exacerbated by being traumatized further, and that's part of what makes Outlast terrifying.  So yeah, the portrayal of mentally ill people in Outlast isn't phenomenal, sure, but it goes beyond making all the patients out to be horrible monsters. Most of them are just trying to stay out of all the awful shit going on and stay alive without completely breaking down. The games still makes you feel for those people after you see how desperate and terrified a lot of them are, due mainly because of the abuses they have suffered from the people who were supposed to help them.

Anon this is so fascinating cause I agree with you sm. I think all of this stuff is true. From the way I see it Outlast is an attempt to subvert all the other mental asylum horror stories. Which I think adds all this complexity you're talking about. But while I do think it's more nuanced and better written than contemporaries, I don't think they did a good enough job. The "evil asylum" trope is inherently ableist, and stigmatizing. And I do agree the main source of long term horror in the series is from the incredible abuse the patients suffer- it cannot be ignored that the majority of scary moments aren't from the abuse, but from the patients acting violent and "crazy". And yeah it makes sense why they're violent and "crazy" that doesn't change the fact that the average joe schmoe is gonna go through the game and take away the message that mentally ill people are violent, and scary, and mental health facilities are bad and scary. Which- as someone who's been to a psych ward- I find to be a very bad message. They have their issues but stigmatizing them makes it worse. I think Red Barrels realized this, and for the Whistleblower made more of an effort to emphasize the abuse as a front line horror. Jeremy Blaire, the Walrider, The Morphogenic Engine, etc etc. Although the complaints I have still stand. Overall I agree with you that Outlast is a nuanced portrayal of this trope. That point about how not all of the patients are violent, is one of my favorite parts of Outlast. How they're still humans. And that creates some really great moments, like Someones Playing Piano. But as I've said before I still think it's inadequate I really want people to realize that Outlast being a story about systemic abuse where innocent people are victimized, and Outlast relies on ableism to get it's scares- are two statements that can coexist. I think at this point I should just write a paper about outlast

[violetjedisylveon]

Claws & Fangs Ch 1 - The Intruder, The Bat And The Wolf

Summary: Kaeden heads home from a long day of work and finds someone has broken into her house looking for something, the intruder attacks her with a massive bat creature. She gets saved by a massive orange wolf.

Words count: 1.5k

Warnings: an animal attacks and tried to kill Kaeden, I don't think I went into too much detail but I went into it a bit so I'll put this as a warning 🛑, so blood and violence ant attack.

A/N: Werewolf witch Ahsoka and Vampire Kaeden lets gooo!

This idea came to me so quickly I'm pretty sure it possessed me to get itself written. Happy Halloween everyone!

Enjoy my new Kaesoka au fic! I've got like three or four of them now. It's not a problem.

Claws & Fangs AU Masterpost

________________________________________________________________________________

Kaeden Larte had horrible luck.

The worst luck in the entire world? Yeah probably.

First, her parents die when she's fifteen and her little sister is twelve.

Then, after getting a job she could actually hold down as a farmer, rumors start to circulate about her parents, specifically her mother, a scholar and a woman of medicine.

The rumors were that she was a witch or vile sorceress, cause her garden always looked so nice and was never attacked by animals. That was serious nonsense, she had taught Kaeden how to grow plants properly and she knew how to keep the wild life away.

Besides she was already dead so what did it matter?

Third, the witch rumor had the Empire come in and conduct a search of her house, they found nothing and left it. Didn't stop the leering or cruel taunts she got from the townspeople when she went into work. Five years later and she was still being called a witch spawn.

Fourth, her most recent stroke of bad luck, there was an owl hanging around her house poking at her plants.

The stupid little bird kept trying to take from her garden, the damn thing was extra interested in her healing herbs and oddly, her sister's garlic. Miara liked to cook in her free time, she worked at a bakery too.

She frequently found herself waking up in the middle of the night to the cursed being raiding her garden and she had to chase it off multiple times, it just kept coming back.

Oh, and then there was her worst luck ever:

Some crazy madman was breaking into her house, she heard the window shatter as she approached her home.

It was late at night and Miara was staying in town with her "friend" Omega, who had insisted it wouldn't be safe for her to go out at night alone. A clear ploy to get more time alone together before she had to go leave again, but Kaeden hadn't pushed her sister.

Kaeden always felt safer at home and had gone anyway.

She was really wishing she had stayed with Miara right now.

She could see the invader through the window, they were dressed in all black, and had a sword or gun or both at their waist.

They suddenly spun around and fixed glowing red eyes on her.

Her blood froze.

The intruder stalked towards her.

Her brain screamed at her to do something, but her body was fully frozen with fear.

A curious coo snared her attention away from the imposing threat.

The thieving owl was sitting on the fence, a clump of herbs in its talons. It cooed at her and took off.

Kaeden made the decision to chase after it right before the glass broke.

She bolted after the owl as fast as she could, though she had a growing feeling she wouldn't be able to escape her pursuer.

The stupid owl lead her into the forest, the dark forests that most people didn't dare go into because of stories about monsters that dwelled within. It was probably just wolves, or at least that's what Kaeden hoped as she blindly followed a bird.

Oh gods, she was going to die, wasn't she?

The owl took a sharp turn and just vanished into thin air. Her heart pounded against her chest and the blood roared in her ears as she frantically looked around for anything she might be able to defend herself with or some way out of this horrifying nightmare.

Something heavy landed in the trees, she heard the wood creak and groan with the weight.

She spun around.

The intruder turned attacker and probably her murderer if she was being honest.

The ominous eyes glowed dangerously.

Kaeden dared to look up.

That was a massive mistake.

A massive bat… thing was perched in the tree, hungry yellow eyes looking down at her.

Kaeden cursed her horrible luck.

Her pursuer whistled a single sharp note. 🛑

The beast snarled and threw itself from the treetops down onto her.

It slammed into her with enough force to slam her to the ground. The air was knocked out of her chest.

Pain bloomed all over her body, the bat's razor sharp claws slicing up her skin.

Clawed wings cut thin, deep lacerations on her arms when she raised them in a feeble attempt to protect herself. She somehow managed to push the bat up away from her throat.

It snarled madly, savagely slashing at anything within reach in its rabid attempt to kill her.

It snarled and hissed in her face, baring its sharp fangs at her.

She screamed and kicked its underbelly. Her feeble attempt to survive only served to piss it off.

It screeched and thrust its head down.

Its jaws slammed down on her neck. White hot pain exploded in her neck. She screamed at the needle sharp teeth piercing her skin.

Her blood got hot, it was burning in her veins, the fire spread rapidly from her neck to her toes.

She cried out, her entire body was boiling!

Just when she thought it was all over for her, that she'd die here in this forest and never be found, that her little sister would be alone, never knowing what really happened to her, a fearsome yowl erupted from somewhere in the chaos and in a blur of fur, the violent beast was ripped off of her.

Kaeden screamed, the beast's teeth tore her skin as it was thrown into a nearby tree.

She instinctively covered her neck wound to stem the bleeding, but that was hardly going to do her much good with her injuries or the fire in her veins. Gods, the fire in her veins made her want to die right there!

It was all she could do to apply weak pressure to her wound and stare up.

Oh.

The owl was back.

It was perched in a branch above her.

Something growled.

Something big.

Kaeden, to her own surprise, managed to prop herself up enough to see what had saved her.

A massive, truly massive wolf with burnt orange fur and stripes going down its back stood in front of her, growling at the bat, which now looked so small next to the wolf.

The bat was reasonably afraid of the impossibly huge wolf, it cowered at the wolf's presence.

The wolf growled, low and threatening, at the beast and keeper.

The beastmaster grunted and both vanished in a puff of black smoke.

The wolf relaxed slightly but stayed alert, ears swiveling to catch any sound of a follow-up attack.

Kaeden jolted away when someone touched her head.

A hooded figure was sitting behind her, they gently lifted her head to rest on their lap and checked her pulse. Their face was concealed by a mask.

Their fingers trailed along the fresh, raw wounds, she would have objected but the fire in her body made her numb to any pain their touch caused. Suddenly the carefully investigating fingers stilled then pressed in on a particularly painful wound, the sensation of white fire burned in her neck, she screamed bloody murder.

"Ahsoka!" The hooded figure shouted.

The wolf stalked over to her, it was so much bigger than she thought it had been when it was looking down at her. Through the corner of her eye, she saw the hooded figure point out something. The wolf's lip curled up with the hint of a snarl.

It leaned in close, she could feel its hot, wet breath on her neck. It sniffed whatever was so interesting to these strangers.

Idly, Kaeden wondered if this hooded stranger was the same thing as the one who attacked her, they both had animals doing their bidding.

"What do you feel?"

She barely registered the words in her dazed, quickly bleeding out state, the stranger pressed her wound lightly. Kaeden couldn't even hold back the very undignified cry that ripped itself from her throat.

" …fire…" she choked out.

She could taste blood in the back of her mouth as the stranger and their beast exchanged a look.

She let her eyes close, she was getting colder and more exhausted as the moments passed, somewhere in her hazy mind, she recognized it as a symptom of blood loss, that she was going to die soon. She'd lost too much blood.

Something warm and damp pressed against her nose. She blinked open her eyes.

The wolf was standing over her, nose to nose while brilliantly blue gray eyes stared deep into hers.

There was something so human in those glowing eyes, Kaeden felt safe with this massive, deadly beast.

It was probably her dying brain.

"Don't worry, we'll take care of you."

She assumed that meant they'd take her body back home, to let her sister know what had happened.

Kaeden hummed absently, the wolf's eyes were so bright and so blue, she couldn't look away even as death pulled at her.

All she saw when the darkness overtook her was that brilliant blue.

________________________________________________________________________________

This idea is really fun and I think it possessed me cause I already got a chapter 2 started… gays are my jam and so are bats and wolfs.

I've got art ideas folks!

It's spooky season so I give you gay spookies.

Happy Kaesoka week everyone!

I hope you all have a good day, whatever that is for you!

VJS Out!

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

@zepskies

Oooh I can't wait to see what you think about this one! 💗

I love CCR too and I don't know why, but Russell has CCR vibes for me whenever I look at him so I feel that the CCR will be a theme for him lol 😂

Ughhhh we've all seen this type, even as non-parents lmao. Miss SUPER INVOLVED and therefore gets off at telling other parents what to do. It's kind of sick in the head. 🙃

Oh yes. The one that finds joy in putting other mothers in their place- the "Regina George" lol. I also watched A Bad Moms Christmas the other day and I may have been imagining Christina Applegate's character 😅 It's such a good Christmas movie though lol.

Ha! You paint a very vivid picture here -- and I knew entire packs of girls like this growing up. They were blonde and skinny and "perfect" to boys, while any girls who didn't look like them automatically weren't as cool or pretty or whatever. I already like where this intro is going, even as I'm super curious as to how Russell is going to fit into all of this...

Thank you! I know it's a bit of a stereotype, but... we all knew those girls 😒 Russell is going to be a bit of a shock to her world lol.

God, I already feel for her. She already feels so real as a character, and even though I'm not a parent, I can certainly relate on the body insecurity thing. (And I already want to kill her ex-husband, not just for cheating and leaving her, but for the psychological/emotional scars involved in any comments he made on her body.)

I also relate to her on the body insecurity level. I've only written one other reader who had body insecurity in my You Call It Madness But I Call It Love series with Soldier Boy, but I thought that it would be something fun to explore with Russell. He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't care about things like that, and really would see the reader as some beautiful "goddess" and think that he's the luckiest man in the world for getting her. I also think that he too would want to "kill her ex-husband" (lol) for leaving those kind of scars behind. I know it was supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm literally thinking about all the ways that Russell can make her forget what her husband said/did to her and to make the reader feel beautiful again. 🥰

Plus I also may have been inspired to write another reader who is insecure about her body by your wonderful Midnight Espresso series! 🤭

OMFGGGGG and I thought I was the only one who watched The Meg!! 🤣🤣🤣 I feel like if you love Jurassic Park, you're gonna like The Meg. 😆

I LOVE THE MEG! And you know how much I love Jurassic Park LOL. No really all shark/monster/creature features are my favorite to watch- also kinda my comfort movies lol 😅😂 (Alien, Deep Blue Sea, Jaws, The Mummy, Tremors, Predator, etc.) I even like the ones that are just so over the top ridiculous with terrible acting.

God, I love him. 😂 Already he's spot on for me, friend. 👌🏽 And Colter's response too -- had me smiling hard. Love a long-suffering Colter lmao.

Thank you! I've never written for Russell before, so I was kinda nervous about this one. He's kinda like Dean, but a little more awkward, and a little like Ben, but without the toxic masculinity comments lol. Maybe 50/50? Colter is really hanging on by a thread lol.

Ok, this might be a small detail to focus on, but I freakin' love wine and fancy cheese I can't afford (but buy anyway). 🤣 I don't do it often, but especially around New Year's I like to make a charcuterie board and get some nice wine.~

No it's okay! That sounds so fun! Fancy cheese and wine is NEVER too expensive- Treat👏🏻 Yo👏🏻 Self👏🏻. I can't make a charcuterie board to save my life 😭, but one of my friends is a master of charcuterie board creation and she is always automatically elected to make the charcuterie boards for parties. She gets no say in the matter lol 🤣

Also, I love how in-character flirty joking Russell is while he has LITERAL bullet wounds in his body. But also how the reader is getting kinda flustered with him already, trying and failing not to notice his attractiveness, but also that this guy has been through some shit (hence his scars, ruggedness, etc.).

Oh I know, man is trying to shoot his shot WHILE HE IS SHOT 🤣 The reader is trying her hardest, but Russell is just so distracting... Kinda seems like this reader could use a lot of distracting from Russell if you know what I mean 😉😮‍💨😏

Lmfaooo. I don't blame her honestly. Russell is most definitely not playing fair! 😝😝

He's not lol and he knows EXACTLY what he's doing 🤭

YUP. Got 'im! That's Russell in a nutshell. 🫠🫠🫠

Again thinking about the the big worn/rough hand from manual labor and hard work from an actual man and not a boy pretending to be a man.

I'm living for these little details of background color lmaoo.

Thank you 😊 I wanted to try and make it as realistic as I could!

Oh God, as if I couldn't love this any more. I feel like Russell would appreciate a curvy girl. Maybe that sounds self-serving since I'm a curvy girl myself loll, but idk, he just seems a lot like Dean, and I don't think they'd discriminate. 🫠

Again YES A MILLION TIMES YES 😍 I believe that Russell would appreciate a curvy girl- it is NOT self serving because I am also a curvy girl lol (or maybe it is because I wrote this fic lol). But I don't think that Dean or Russell would care about things like that, if anything I think that they'd want to show their significant other what they see and how beautiful their significant other really is. Again thank you so much for your work on Midnight Espresso 🫡🫡

God, can he just STFU and LEAVE already?? I love that Russell had to come out and back her up -- better yet that he punched out that prick! I'm sure he could've laid him out so well the hospital wouldn't know how to put him back together again.

Apparently I have a penchant for writing trash men who disrespect women...😬 But IF ANYONE deserved to have the stuffing slapped out of them it was Lance. Humpty Dumpty would never have been able to be put back together if Russell REALLY went in on him, GUARANTEED. Also I really just love the trope of protective male characters watching out for their girl. 🥰

Omggg YESS I would LOVE to see more of this. It feels like the start of something really interesting and fun, and I would so love to read more. You did so well with Russell's interesting dichotomy of kind and funny and flirty, but also with an underlying edge of danger. I also love the single mom reader in this, and I don't think she's "too much of an OC." I think it just makes her all the more interesting, and it's fun to imagine myself in her shoes. She's strong, but vulnerable with relatable insecurities, and Russell seems like exactly the kind of man she needs in her life, despite the instability of his lifestyle. Maybe she can be the one to help anchor him. 😏💕💕

Oh my goodness thank you so much my lovely friend!!! 😭😊 Writing for Russell was intimidating, but I'm very happy with how this fic turned out, so much so that I am going to write a part 2! As soon as I get through some more of my WIPs... The list keeps growing 😅

I was really worried about her being a bit too OC, but thank you so much for saying that! I do think that the little quirks make her more believable and a little more "real." And yes! You're right on the money! Russell is exactly the kind of man she needs in her life to get her groove back and give her a little more confidence. And who knows? Maybe you're right, maybe she will be exactly who Russell needs as well to keep him anchored and grounded to one place. 😉😏

Pairing: Russell Shaw xf!reader, Reader POV

Summary:  The last thing that you wanted was to be woken up in the middle of the night by Colter Shaw for a favor, but when he shows up toting a ruggedly handsome man with green eyes you decide to forgive him. Reader is the niece of Velma and Teddi!

Word Count: 10.3K

Warnings: I'm gonna label this one 18+ just in case I missed anything. Blood, Cleaning Out A Wound, Mentions of Allergies? Gunshots, Some Cursing, A Bit of Sexual Innuendo, Sexual fantasy/reader has active imagination, Self-deprecating Thoughts/Body Issues (reader), Mentions of Infidelity, Reader Is A Single Mom, Appearance Of Creepy-Jerk Ex Husband, Probably a Poor Description Of What It’s Like To Be A Single Mom (I tried my best, please I do not mean to offend anyone❤️), Russell Shaw might be a little bit OOC. Reader is occasionally described as "curvy."

Song Inspiration: Long As I Can See The Light By Creedence Clearwater Revival

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n if any. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite! This is my first time writing for Russell Shaw, so, please be gentle. 😅

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Main Masterlist

A/N: I finally watched Tracker… Could you tell? 😂

Sunday nights, in your opinion, were the worst.

It was like the last few moments of freedom before you were thrust into a busy work week, like the last few rays of light before the coming darkness that you barely survived with copious amounts of coffee and bloodied fingertips. Monday always loomed, but never as much as on Sunday nights.

The dull thud of your phone vibrating against your wooden bedside table grates on your ears and pulls you from the sweet precipice of sleep before you can fall into the void.

It felt as if you’d just collapsed into your bed and one look at the alarm clock on your bedside table as you blinked your bleary eyes confirmed it. It was 3:58 am, which meant you had been in bed for exactly three minutes.

You were still covered in chocolate cupcake batter, pink frosting, and rainbow sprinkles from the last six hours you'd spent in the kitchen making gluten free, sugar free, and peanut free cupcakes for a bake sale at your son’s school.

Even though you hadn't volunteered Stephanie Jacobson, or rather the wicked witch of the PTA, had cornered you in the pick-up line on Friday afternoon to remind you of your "duties as a parent" and the coming bake sale to support the building of the new gym. And then she’d handed you a list of student allergies and asked you to create something that was safe for everyone.

Taste be damned.

Why the school needed a new gym you didn't know, but the guilt that rose when Stephanie mentioned your "duties as a parent" was enough to make you say yes to whatever she asked you.

You had enough guilt already about raising your kids without a stable father figure, and the last thing you needed was guilt from a stuck up bitch in the PTA.

Stephanie reminded you of the girls in high school that used to pick at their food, the ones that knew exactly what to say to make you feel like a freak, the ones who dated the football players and spent their Friday nights wearing cheerleading uniforms and waving pom poms, and the ones who basically made everyone else's life a living hell.

Everything about her screamed superior. The flawless way she curled her perfect platinum blonde hair, the stylish clothes she wore than never seemed to have a wrinkle or a mashed carrot smeared on the pants, the supple breasts that she swore were real, a perfectly toned stomach that never seemed to change despite her having a child two months ago, and the easy way she handled all of her three children with a flourish of her left hand that housed a 6 karat diamond ring from her gorgeous husband that was so attentive, perfect, and rich that it made you feel sick to your stomach.

All of which anyone could read on her mommy blog that she'd dubbed "Little Mistakes Make Perfect Lessons," and the same blog that she'd created an empire from.

Fuck, you hated her.

Mostly because despite everything you tried you never had enough time in the day to look as flawless as she did.

Your hair never seemed to be as bouncy or perfectly styled, you never had time to put makeup on, you always had mashed carrot on your pants or some form of cheerio or baby food, as many times as you tried to carve out time for the gym you never seemed to make it, the small ring you'd once wore on your finger was sitting idle in your jewelry box upstairs where it had been for the past year after your husband of six years told you that he met someone else, and your stomach and your breasts… you didn't want to think about that right now.

You had two kids and you weren't going to pretend that it did nothing to your body, any part of your body. And as many times as you saw all the other mothers around you who were proud of the way they looked, you never had their confidence, especially not after the comments that your ex-husband had made each time the two of you finally had some time to be alone together.

But that wasn't to say you hated being a mom, you loved it, wouldn't change it for the world. It was just sometimes you wished you had a little help, that, and you wished that Mondays didn't exist. 

You groan as you reach for the phone that still vibrates desperately on your bedside table and flip it over to see who's calling before you answer it.

"Colter, why the hell are you calling me at four am?" You half moan, pulling the comforter up over your head as if that'll make Monday go away.

You'd been close to murder several times, first when you found your husband in your bed with his nineteen year-old secretary, second when your local coffee shop was out of espresso and you did your entire shift at the hospital with no coffee, and Colter Shaw waking you up at almost four in the morning was quickly becoming number three.

"Because I didn't want to wake up Emma or Luke. Can you open the door?" He replies, stating the names of your children, sounding slightly out of breath.

"What door?" You groan again, eyes still shut wishing that this was just a bad dream and Colter wasn't calling you because he needed your help… again.

"The front door. Please, I need you to let me in."

"Why are you here? Couldn't it wait until tomorrow? Did you try to call Teddi or Vel-"

"I'll explain when you come open the door."

"By doing that I'd have to get up."

"Please."

You hesitate. Colter didn't usually say please, let alone twice whenever he showed up needing your help.

You'd met him by accident.

Sure your Aunt Teddi had talked about the "rewardist" that she and your Aunt Velma worked with, but you hadn't been expecting to ever meet him. But when Colter got shot on a job and showed up at Teddi and Velma's home you'd helped patch him up. You'd been there picking up your six year old son Luke and your three year old daughter Emma, after work. Teddi and Velma watched them for you when your deadbeat ex Lance couldn't be bothered to give you the support you needed.

Which was all the time despite his continuous arguing that he was in their lives enough and if anything it was your fault that he didn't have more time with them.

Each time he said that it made you want to slam his head in the door of his brand new bright red BMW, the one he'd bought right after you found him in your bedroom plowing his secretary now girlfriend Crystal. Or as you liked to remember her, the girl who still believed that Santa Clause existed and that the U.S government was hiding him from the world.

But Colter had been hurt and it was just fate that you were there at your aunts home to pick up your kids.

Being an ER nurse meant that you knew how to patch Colter up and it wasn't long before he went on his way. That was about four months ago and since then you'd talked to him occasionally when he'd pop by at your aunts home or just to see if you could help him with something.

"Five minutes." You sigh.

This time you crawl out of bed, standing just to the side of it for a second shaking your head to clear the sleep, and grab the long sleeved blue colored duster/robe that was hanging on the back of your bedroom door. Navigating your way down the stairs in the dark as quietly as you can, while half asleep was difficult, but somehow you avoid falling to your death.

Unfortunate, because now you have to go see what Colter wants at freaking 4 am.

The second story home had been you ex-husband's idea, stated that the two of you needed "room to grow" and that the two of you were "investing in your future."

You frown at the thought.

Yeah, room to grow right into your fucking secretary.

As if you needed another blow to your self esteem, but looking at the skinny red-haired goddess that he'd traded you in for that was about as dumb as a rock had been enough to send you so low you might as well be navigating the Marianas Trench in a submarine with a Megalodon chasing after you.

Maybe that means I'd get to be with Jason Stratham.

That thought was welcome. Honestly the thought of any man was a comfort, especially in the dry spell you'd been having since -well- since you'd had Emma three years ago.

Not gonna think about that right now.

The smell of chocolate cupcakes hung heavy in the air as you crossed through the messy living room, wafting out through the open concept kitchen into the space. One look into the kitchen would show enough cupcakes to make anyone salivate, and yes maybe you'd eaten a few before going up to bed, but eating the chocolate didn't count if it was on Sunday night and you could always go to the gym tomorrow…

Yeah. Like that'll happen.

You open the front door. "Alright, somebody better be dying Colter or I swear that I'll-" You stop mid-sentence when you take in the scene on your porch.

Colter is standing there, looking worse for wear. His usual black jacket is gone, he's got a black eye and a scrape along one of his perfect cheekbones, but that's not who you're looking at.

Colter isn't alone.

There's a man leaning heavily on Colter, his muscular right arm is thrown across Colter's shoulders and due to the fact that the man is a little bigger than Colter, he's buckling slightly under his weight. The man is wearing a green army jacket that is soaked around his left shoulder in blood, his dark hair is falling long into his bearded face, and his skin is a few shades paler than it should be. But that doesn't make him any less handsome.

The man still manages to throw you a sly grin, brilliant green eyes shining beneath the strands of his dark hair. "I think you got your wish sweetheart."

"You're not dying Russell." Colter sighs as if he's annoyed. "Hi." He directs at you.

You do feel a little bit bad about saying that now, but you shake it off.

"What the hell happened?" You say as loud as you dare and pull the front door further open so Colter can drag the man, now named "Russell" into your home.

"Shoot out." Colter breathes. "Where do you want him?"

"Kitchen table." You say trying to reach for Russell's left arm to help Colter, but he groans low under his breath and you retract your hand.

"You've got to be a little gentle with me sweetheart." Russell laughs more to himself, but it comes out in a choked sound. "But you can have me wherever you want."

"Colter, he needs to go to the hospital." You say, following behind them, keeping your voice down. "I don't think that I can-"

"Can't, they'll report it. They have to report all gunshots, you know that." Colter grunts, helping Russell lay back on the large kitchen table. "Why are there so many cupcakes in here?"

"Bake sale at Luke’s school." You clip while waving a hand and looking down at Russell who is laying on the kitchen table.

You can't deny that he's attractive, even in this condition. Russell has the perfect ruggedly handsome features that would make the smartest girl stupid and combined with the piercing green eyes that shine beneath the hair that's fallen forward into his face, even you could see yourself being susceptible to his charm.

Fuck.

Deep down you know that Colter is right, that if he did go to the hospital they'd be required to report it and that meant police and an official report. You figured that it was the last thing that Colter wanted.

Then again the guy has so many marks on his record already. You eye the man on your kitchen table. Russell kinda looks like he would have a few marks too.

"Don't want who did this to find him." Colter clarifies.

"So instead you brought him to my house where my children are?" You cross your arms over your chest.

The fear that whatever Colter and Russell had stumbled upon following behind them to your home made a cold trickle of fear race down your spine.

"We weren't followed." Colter soothes. "I promise I'd never do that to you. And I've got Bobby doing a trace to make sure they don't come close."

He actually looks a little hurt that you'd think that of him. Colter was a lot of things, but uncaring was not one of them.

You relax, but don't apologize despite the guilt swimming in your gut. "Fine. Give me a second." You leave the room to find the first aid kit in the hall closet, the same one that you'd made for your aunts to keep at their house if Colter showed up in the middle of the night with this exact problem. You'd even been involved enough to show your aunts how to deal with a gunshot wound if you weren't there.

When you get back in the room, Colter is removing Russell's jacket, and Russell grits his teeth when it jostles his left arm.

You set down the kit and reach for the bottom of Russell's shirt to pull it up off him, and he chuckles.

"Aren't you going to buy me a drink first? Better yet we could have a few bottles of my home brew-"

"She's not going to help you, if you annoy her." Colter interrupts.

"I told you that I didn't need anyone's help, I'm perfectly fine- ow!" Russell exclaims when you accidentally yank the shirt over his left arm. "Your bedside manner is a little lacking." He grunts, but his eyes still twinkle with humor.

"Too bad. I'm tired and I've been making chocolate cupcakes for the past six hours, so you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

"What?" Russell grins at the rhyme that you often tell your children.

You shake your head, and drop your eyes to his chest. There are two perfect circles on his right upper pectoral muscle, but not high enough to reach the collarbone and one in his left bicep where blood seeps around the bullets, but truthfully you're trying not to notice how perfectly muscular he is. There are dark splashes of tattoos against his skin, swirling around other scars that resemble slashes and bullet wounds that you wish to drag your fingertips across to study each mark, to memorize each one beneath the soft pads of your fingers.

How is he just as beautiful covered in blood?

You clear your throat to focus back at the task at hand, examining the current wounds. "Okay. The good news is that the one on your arm is through and through, but these two," Your hand hovers over the two on his right upper chest. "I've got to extract the bullets. Which means that this is going to hurt."

"Been through worse sweetheart."

Your eyes scan the rest of his scarred muscular chest thoughtfully. "Yeah, you have." You murmur it more to yourself than to Russell, but he still grins.

Colter's phone rings shrilly in the kitchen and he groans. "One second. Try not to make her want to kill you Rus."

"No promises little bro."

Oh, so this is Colter's brother.

You'd heard little bits and pieces about Colter's brother, mostly second hand from your Aunt Velma. One of the best things about going over to Teddi and her home was sitting in the living room and hearing Velma gossip about everything she heard from Teddi while drinking wine and eating fancy cheese that you could never afford.

Russell Shaw was no exception.

"Alone at last." Russell says with a wink. "I didn't think he'd ever leave."

"I'm going to get some water to clean these with." You reply, ignoring him, but when you turn away the end of your mouth quirks up into a smile.

He wasn't what you were expecting based on all the rumors that you'd heard from both of your aunts, in fact, you thought he was kind of charming.

You roll up your sleeves and wash your hands before turning back to Russell. He's sitting up on your kitchen table, hands braced on his sides, with his legs spread wide apart. He doesn’t look like someone with three gunshot wounds, and you wonder if this is a regular day for him. Colter certainly didn't get shot that much.

"So are you a rewardist too?" You ask standing between his legs and trying not to focus on the warmth of his breath against your collar bone.

"Naw. I work for a private security contractor." He breezes.

"Oh." You swallow, looking up into his green eyes for a minute. They're even more beautiful up close, green with flecks of gold around the iris that flicker in the light like stars. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

"You don't gotta ask me that sweetheart, the answer will always be yes."

You flush and brace your hand on his left shoulder, before pouring water into the two wounds on the right side of his chest, trying to clean them the best you can before you extract what's left of the bullets. His skin is warm and smooth beneath the palm of your hand and it's difficult to focus.

Just pretend you're in the hospital and you're treating a patient. You take in a shallow breath. He's just a patient and he's not that good looking.

You know you're lying to yourself, but you were trying your best. It probably didn’t help given the current dry spell you were in or the fact that he even smelled good. Something like gunpowder, leather, and a hint of something spicy that you bet was his shampoo. It prickled under your nose, and activated something in the back of your mind that was having a hard time being quiet. You hadn't been this close to a man you found attractive in a long time.

"Okay. This is going to hurt." You say as you look through the small medical kit that you'd grabbed from the hall closet for the tweezers, trying to calm the thudding of your heart.

"It's okay." Russell replies. "Do what you have to baby. I won't stop you."

You weren't prepared for the warmth that bloomed in the pit of your stomach when he called you baby in the wonderfully rough rumble of his voice.

A voice like that could convince me to jump into a pit filled with alligators with no regrets. Fuck. I'd bet that a voice like that could make me- FOCUS. I will focus. He is Colter's brother and he just got shot. He doesn't need you lusting over him.

Extracting the bullets is as painful for you as it is for him. Watching the way his face scrunches up in pain hurts you more than you thought it would. His hands grip the rim of the wooden kitchen table so hard that they're turning white, and Russell's jaw is clenched so tight that you're afraid that it's going to snap.

You squeeze his left shoulder to give him some comfort. "Almost done." You murmur, searching for the second bullet.

Russell lets out a breath when you finally fish out the other bullet and drop it into an empty cup with a resounding "ping" just as Colter walks back into the room looking worried.

"What?" Russell asks him, looking over your head at his brother.

"That was Bobby. He said that the trace we put on the phone just got a hit a few miles north of here." Colter states. "I'm gonna go check it out."

"Alright, I'll come with." Russell starts to get up, but you push him back with your right hand that you've still got pressed against his left shoulder. Difficult given the fact that he was almost twice the size of you and broader than anyone you'd ever seen. And also difficult because of the way you were trying to ignore how good it felt to feel the pull of his muscles beneath your hand.

"No. You still need stitches and I haven't finished patching you up." You clear your throat, but it still sounds a little hoarse.

"Baby as much as I like you ordering me around-“

"It's alright Russell, I've got this. Just stay here and let her take care of you." Colter interrupts.

Russell frowns at his younger brother. "I'm fine."

"You're not." Colter rolls his eyes. "Stay here. I'll be back in a few hours to pick you up." He turns to look at you. "I'm sorry that we woke you up-"

"It's okay." You shrug. "But you owe me."

"Just add it to my bill." Colter smirks.

Honestly, you weren't as angry as you were when you answered the phone. Something about Russell was different and you didn’t mind helping him at all.

He wasn't like anyone that you had ever met, certainly not in the circles you ran with.

All the dads from your mom friends were blue and white collar workers who worked in the big office buildings downtown, wore suits to work and were more straight-laced, but there was something refreshing about Russell.

He was mysterious, sexy, and his had this aura of self-resilience and survival that you found immensely attractive. Especially when compared to your ex, who couldn't survive without his mocha-caramel double shot latte or wifi.

Russell was the exact opposite of him and you found yourself wanting to know more. More about the almost beautiful scars that curved over his muscular body, more about each tattoo that he’d chosen, and more about him.

He seemed like the kind of guy that hid his trauma under easy smiles and jokes, the kind of person that shrugged off anything that seemed remotely serious with a well placed joke, but you could feel that there was something deeper beneath that he didn’t allow many to see.

And you wanted him to show you.

You weren't sure where any of this was coming from. Russell probably was about as stable and consistent as his brother, and you liked consistency. Spontaneity and surprises tended to make you anxious. But not with Russell.

Though the stability might have been an issue. You were a single working mother, which meant that you didn't want to introduce some random guy into your children's life just to have them get attached and him to bail with no strings attached and-

Calm down. You just met the guy, it's not like he's asking you out on a date.

When Colter leaves and after you’ve cleaned around the wounds the best you can with some alcohol, you realize just how quiet it is in your kitchen.

“You know, I think I’ve seen you before.” Russell says breaking the silence while you search for a needle and thread in the medical kit.

“Really? Where?" You ask looking up.

“In my dreams.”

“Wow." You smile at him. "That line is pretty cheesy."

You shift your right hand over to begin to sew up the wounds on his chest. Russell doesn't even wince when you push the needle through, almost as if he didn't notice it at all.

It made sense, given how many scars and tattoos covered his body. You remember what he said about "being through worse" and it made you feel bad for him, to worry about him. Odd given the fact that the two of you had just met.

"Well I'm a little distracted at the moment sweetheart. It's not often that I get such a beautiful woman to take care of me."

"I thought you didn't need my help?" You smirk.

"Maybe I did." He admits sheepishly.

"Mhmm."

"So how do you know my brother?"

“Why?”

“Trying to see if you’re off limits or not.” Russell tilts his head to the side and flashes a charming smile.

You laugh at his boldness. You’d never met someone so upfront before, it was refreshing. Most of the men you’d meet occasionally at work tended to beat around the bush and made you want to give them a map to get to the point. "We met when he got shot a few months ago."

"Oh so the two of you aren't-" He wiggles his eyebrows and you snort.

"No."

"Huh."

"What?"

"I was just wondering why not?"

"What?"

"Well, you're gorgeous, you're smart, and you're not scared of blood or gunshots. Colter really seems to be dropping the ball."

"Colter doesn't exactly have a stable lifestyle. And I'm kind of complicated."

You were, there wasn't any way around it.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I've got two kids."

Russell blinks in surprise. "Really?"

"Mhmm." You hum continuing your task, not phased by the blood at all.

His eyes trace your figure for a minute, making a shiver travel down your spine. It was the first time in a long time that you were okay with someone looking at you like that and to be honest, the first time that you wanted someone to look at you like that in a while.

After everything that happened with your ex-husband and his secretary you were more inclined to sit on your couch with a glass of wine and read away your troubles with a steamy romance novel that did more for you than any of your ex-husband's attempts to satisfy you. It also didn't help that you had no interest in going out with your few friends and meeting someone at a club who probably would never call you again and probably wouldn't be as enthusiastic to learn that you were a mom.

You'd only been on one date since you'd broken it off with your husband with your aunts accountant Jerry, and the date stuttered to a halt when he learned you had two children and weren't interested in having an open relationship.

"I wouldn't have guessed that."

“Really? The mountain of chocolate cupcakes wasn’t a clue?” You arch an eyebrow with a smirk, while gently tying off the string to close the first wound before moving on to the second.

“I thought you just really liked baking. And I’m okay with coming home every night to a mountain of chocolate cupcakes if it means you’re there too.” He winks.

“Not sure you want any of those.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because they’re gluten free, sugar free, and nut free.”

The horrified look on Russell’s face makes you feel like you’d just told him that hot dogs do in fact contain trace amounts of dog.

“Why on earth would you make them like that?! They're not even cupcakes anymore!" He exclaims.

You found it funny that he seemed more upset over the mutilation of the chocolate cupcakes than over being shot.

Maybe he's always like this?

"I know. I'm a monster." You sigh. "But Stephanie Jacobson said I had to." You let out a frustrated sigh with her name.

Bringing anything other than what she asked for was a suicide mission. The last person who did that was Gale Smith in the great Fourth of July Cook-out calamity of 2021. In Gale's defense, no one though that the bushes would catch fire so fast, but Stephanie had a memory like an elephant so Gale decided to transfer her children to the school one town over. The last thing you wanted was for your name to go down in history for the Cupcake Catastrophe of 2024.

Russell leans forward and lowers his voice like it's a secret. “Is Stephanie your imaginary friend?”

“No!” You laugh. “She’s this other mom at my son’s school who said I wasn’t living up to my ‘duties as a parent’ and that I needed to ‘participate.’”

"She sounds great."

"Oh yeah, we're practically best friends." You continue to work on the other wounds in the silence that follows.

"I bet you're a good mom." Russell says watching you with an unreadable expression. He's leaning a little bit towards you still, making the smell gunmetal, leather, spice, and just a hint of mint come through the space between the two of you.

Damn he smells really good.

"Uh-huh. You've known me for ten minutes and you haven't seen me with my children-"

"I can tell."

"Is that your superpower or something?" You reach for a bandage to lay over the wound in his chest smiling to yourself. "All the other useful superpowers like being bulletproof got taken?"

"I don't think it's useless if it makes you smile like that when I say it, sweetheart."

Your eyes flick upwards to Russell's face. His green eyes are shining in the light of your kitchen, his dark hair still hanging over his forehead, and he is still just as ridiculously handsome as he was the moment Colter dragged him through your front door. You don’t remember why you were so mad at Colter anymore.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're too smooth for your own good?" You raise your eyebrow.

"No ma'am." Russell cracks an even wider smile and it makes you loose all feeling in your legs. He was just so effortlessly handsome that it made you want to do something stupid, like have sex with him on top of the same kitchen table that you serve blueberry pancakes to your children.

"Hmm." You bite the inside of your cheek. "Well, now you know and maybe now that you're aware, it could prevent you from getting shot."

"Are you saying I got shot because I'm too smooth?"

"Maybe."

"Because usually it has a different effect."

"Huh. Well in that case, maybe try using some of that to smooth things over and you'd avoid getting shot." You begin to wrap another fresh bandage around the bullet wound on his arm, bracing your free hand against his chest, trying to ignore the way his skin is warm and chiseled beneath your palm.

He had the kind of body that you'd never imagined actually existed. Russell Shaw looked like he walked out one of the romance novels you loved so much.

Hell, they should use pictures of him to make the book covers.

"I'll remember that next time." Russell pauses. "But then it means I wouldn’t get shot and I wouldn't get to have you patch me up."

"I guess not."

You didn't think that you'd smiled as much as you had in the past twenty minutes with him than you had your entire five year marriage. Not to mention that it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't trying to convince you why they should be allowed to have a cookie before dinner.

A charged silence passes through the air between the two of you, his eyes locked on yours sending goosebumps over your skin. You weren't sure if anyone had ever looked at you like that before. You'd noticed that most gave you the obligatory skate over, but Russell didn't. He looked at you as if he was studying you as if he were genuinely curious to know more. 

Your eyes trace his broad shoulders, toned abdomen, and muscular arms, noting that he's the kind of strong and broad that was made to handle someone a little more curvy like you. And you'd be lying if you said that you hadn't thought about it more than once since Russell came through your front door.

You felt your mind sink into the fantasy of Russell pining you to the kitchen table and feeling the warmth of his rough hands against your body-

Snap out of it. The guy is bleeding, he got shot. He needs to rest.

"I think you'll survive." You smile pulling back from him to clear your head. It was much easier when you couldn't smell him as strongly. "And if Colter isn't going to be back for a few hours you can crash on the couch. It's not the most comfortable but-"

"I'm sure it's fine." Russell shrugs and stands from your kitchen table.

You try and fail to ignore how his muscles pull with the movement as he reaches for his shirt and you step forward to help him put it on, knowing that it might hurt with his injury. "Okay." You clear your throat, that has become thick all of a sudden. "And if you're hungry I've got plenty of cupcakes-"

"Please don't call them that. They're an disgrace to the cupcake name."

"Yeah, but the ones in the microwave are actually cupcakes. I had to make a few that were edible." You gesture with your hand and laugh at how quickly Russell goes to get one.

He doesn’t even bother to pull away the wrapping before he takes a bite and he audibly moans. Russell looks at you awestruck. "Holy shit, you made this? Where have you been all my life?"

"Shut up." You roll your eyes at him.

"I'm serious, this cupcake is my reason to keep living. Here I thought putting sriracha on French fries was the height of cuisine, but damn."

You could feel yourself blush bright red at his compliment. You weren't used to a man going out of his way to compliment you on something other than how you looked, but everything about Russell Shaw was refreshing and nothing like you expected.

"Thank you." You wait another second, watching him eat more of the cupcake and smash icing and flecks of chocolate over his chin. You laugh at him and hand him a paper towel. "You're worse than my three year old."

"Your three year old is a lucky kid, if she’s got a mom like you to make stuff like this for her."

It's like he wants me to fall in love with him. How can someone look so unbelievably cute and sexy while covered in chocolate cupcake?

Don't answer that.

"Sometimes I think I'm the lucky one. I love my kids-" You say before you can stop yourself. You hesitate afraid that it would send Russell for the hills when you brought up the fact that you loved your children.

"Yeah?" Russell's smile brightens as he wipes his face with the napkin.

"Yeah." You blink mildly shocked. Of all the people in the world to talk about your children with, you never expected someone like Russell Shaw. “I do."

Again he was surprising you, and talking to him was just so refreshing and it made you feel like your head had finally cleared, like your chest was lighter and you could actually talk to someone for real without putting out this together image of yourself you thought you had to when inside you were crumbling from the overbearing expectations of the people around you.

The silence is back, filling the kitchen with a palpable energy that you wonder if Russell can feel, but you shake it off.

"I guess I'll see you in the morning. It was nice to meet you Russell, but I'm sorry that you got shot." You smile.

"I'm not." Russell smiles. "I got to meet you."

"Alright Casanova, I need to go to bed, because my kids will wake me up in about two hours." You frown over at the couch. "There's a pillow and a blanket down the hall in the bathroom closet." You gesture with one hand. "I'll see you in the morning." You repeat because you're not too sure what to say.

"Yeah. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

You turn and walk up the stairs to your bedroom, feeling the thin blue robe swishing around your ankles as you do.

And as you fall into your bed all you can think about as you start to drift is the ruggedly handsome man downstairs, with the brilliant green eyes that crinkle with his smile, and the large hands rough from hard work, that seems to be more than what meets the eye.

The alarm clock on your bedside table might as well be employed by the devil for waking you up and the idea of smashing it to bits with the heavy metal table lamp that sits beside it crosses your mind. You weren't sure how many hours you'd gotten in, only that they weren't enough, and you were in desperate need of coffee.

You roll over on your back, looking up at your ceiling as you blink your eyes open, following the familiar sweeps of the paint brush that were left behind.

The memory of the night's events come back in full color and you stiffen remembering exactly why you'd gone to bed so late. Images of last night flash through your mind. Colter dragging a bloodied Russell through your front door, Russell sitting on your kitchen table looking much too attractive covered in blood, him flirting with you with a wide smile that made you feel warm from the inside out…

Oh fuck he's still on my couch. How am I going to explain that to my kids?

You dress in a flash and stumble down the stairs as quickly as you can, tripping and falling into the living room, but when you look you realize that Russell isn't on the couch. The pillow and brightly colored quilted blanket he used are neatly folded on one of the plush cushions, but he's nowhere to be found.

I guess Colter came to get him.

You weren't expecting the wave of disappointment that comes with that realization, but as you turn to go back up the stairs to ready yourself for the day, you hear your daughter’s voice.

"Mommy!" She says. "Look! Rus is making pancakes."

What?

You turn to investigate your spacious kitchen. It was still covered in an alarming amount of cupcakes, but that’s not what’s surprising, what’s surprising is Russell, standing at your crowded stove with a spatula in his hand, sliding a perfectly golden brown pancake around in the bottom of a pan.

You blink your eyes to make sure that you’re not imagining it and make sure that you’re not asleep.

"Hey gorgeous." Russell flashes a wide grin. "How'd you sleep?"

"Um-" You glance at where your daughter is sitting with your son, both eating stacks of pancakes at your kitchen table, the same kitchen table that you were fantasizing about Russell and you-

Nope. Not going there.

Honestly, any fantasy you had about him was blown away by the sight of him standing in your kitchen making pancakes for your children. Something so domestically wonderful that turned you on even more than the image of him shirtless sitting on your kitchen table.

This was something even your husband refused to do, cook. Any day that you tried to get him to, he'd said that it was your "job." And here Russell was standing in your kitchen looking even more effortlessly gorgeous cooking for your family without being asked.

"I sleep good. How did you sleep?" You ask taking a hesitant step towards him.

"Good. Better than I have in a bit actually." He turns back to the pan and flicks his wrist, flipping the pancake inside.

Emma claps happily and Luke watches Russell with a look of absolute awe on his face, while you try not to have impure thoughts about Russell in front of your children.

"You didn't have to make breakfast-"

"I did." He plates the pancake and holds it out to you. "I wanted to thank you for patching me up."

"It wasn't a big deal." You shrug, but take the pancake from the plate, rolling it up like a taco before you take a bite.

Russell cocks his head to the side studying you for a moment. "It was to me." His green eyes are just as hypnotic today as they were last night, tracing over your body in a way that makes pins and needles tickle over your skin. "Plus, wanted to make the kids something that wasn't gluten free, nut free, and sugar free. Emma sure can put away some pancakes."

It was odd to see someone so eager to make himself comfortable in your house, especially a man you barely knew and who you owed absolutely nothing to. Not to mention that Russell genuinely seemed happy to be making breakfast for your children as if he belonged there.

It was so different from every other man that you'd ever met, and you wanted to get used to it. You wanted to get used to having a man around again, to having Russell in your home and in your life. You'd never been spontaneous or wanted to jump headfirst without looking at the pros and cons, but watching Russell standing at your stove, with the sunlight coming through the windows behind him and illuminating his broad shoulders and sifting through his dark hair, you saw absolutely no downside.

"Yeah she's always had a good appetite."

"Hope she doesn't lose that. I hate it when women don't eat." Russell shrugs his shoulders and goes back to make a pancake for himself. "Plus Luke needs to bulk up. He said his dad is going to sign him up for baseball."

You stiffen at the mention of your ex, not sure if you should supply the information, or if you should let it slide. Russell's eyes flick down at your left hand for a half-second, so quickly you could have missed it, but you understood what he was doing.

"He's my ex-husband." You murmur low enough so only Russell could hear.

"Good." Russell replies with a knowing smirk. "Means that I don’t have any competition."

You roll your eyes at his reaction and walk over to where your children are eating. Luke is covered in maple syrup as per usual. He had always been a messy eater, but because he insisted on having his hair cropped short, it never seemed to be too much of a problem.

Just as Emma looks like your ex-husband, Lance, Luke looks like you. He has the same eyes and same colored hair, but he'd always been a little short for his age. Lance usually picked at him for that, but you didn't know what Lance was expecting, Luke was six years old, he'd grow!

"Good pancakes?" You ask, trying to wipe at his face with a napkin but he pulls away with an exclaimed "Mom!"

"What? You're covered in syrup." You laugh, raising the napkin again, but Luke dodges your hand.

"Mom!" Luke says again.

"Alright, fine. But go get dressed, your dad will be here to pick you up any minute." You say, urging him with a hand against his shoulder.

Today Lance was taking Luke to school and picking him up after for a baseball game, before staying with him at his apartment. You’d told your Aunt Teddi and your Aunt Velma that you'd help them plant a garden today, and Emma had been looking forward to it as much as you had.

Velma had been talking about it all through last week, and you’d gotten the day off specifically off for it. Emma was also excited about it because Teddi had bought flowers specifically for butterflies and your daughter loved them more than life itself.

You were looking forward to working out in the sun, feeling the healing rays against your skin, listening to the sounds of the world outside your aunts familiar home soothe you, play with the dogs for a little bit, and finally go inside for a few glasses of wine while Velma, Teddi, and you talked about the book of the month. Book club nights were especially special for Emma as well. Velma always poured Emma's apple juice into a plastic pink wine glass that she'd bought for Emma so she could feel included.

This book had been really good and you couldn't wait to share what you'd thought while eating expensive cheese and cupcakes and while the dogs circled below like raptors.

You loved being at their home. It was always such a comfort to be somewhere where you felt that you could be yourself especially after Lance left you. Your mother had died when you were a kid and your dad had never been equipped to handle things like that so your Aunt Teddi had picked up the slack in your early years and now after she'd married Velma, you had another person in your life who supported you and made you feel like you could be yourself. Both of them had been furious when they learned about what Lance had done and sat with you while you cried into a box of tissues.

It had been difficult to talk them both out of killing Lance. Surprising since your Aunt Teddi was usually the voice of reason.

Luke sighs, but listens to you, getting up from the table to make his way upstairs. You can hear his footsteps as he walks down the hallway above and into his room.

Despite his reluctance, he was looking forward to today as well. Sometimes you thought that he felt left out when you all went over to your aunts house. You knew that Luke longed for the attention of his father, and something broke inside of you each time your ex-husband made him feel forgotten.

You turn to look at your daughter. "Good pancakes?"

"Yes!"

"Did you tell Russell thank you?"

"Thank you Rus!" She sing-songs with a wide smile, before moving her plastic fork back into the pile enthusiastically.

"You're welcome sweetheart." Russell says from the stove, picking up the pancake in the skillet bare handed before he puts a generous stripe of maple syrup along the inside and rolls it up just like you did. "Do you want another one?" His gaze turns to you, warm and open.

Fuck, why is he so damn attractive?

"No I'm-"

The knock on the front door interupts your answer signifying the arrival of Lance. When he'd moved out of the house you'd changed all the locks and then refused to give him a key. Something that he'd pouted and stomped about worse than your toddler, but you'd held firm. You didn't want him in your house and you definitely didn't want her in your house either.

"Daddy!" Emma squeals and before you can stop her, she leaps from her chair like she'd been shot from a cannon and runs down the front hallway to open the door for your ex.

You sigh out a breath to prepare yourself for what comes next. Talking to Lance was always tense and as much as you tried to be civil, Lance didn't. He didn't pull punches, and often lacked the common decency that everyone else had.

Russell's studying you again, his easy smile slipping into a frown when he notes the change in your attitude.

"Stay here. This shouldn't take long." You force a smile, but it lacks the enthusiasm you’d had whenever you talked to Russell before.

Sometimes just the thought of your ex took the energy out of you, as if you were on a space ship and all the air got sucked out into the cold silent vacuum.

Lance is standing on the front step hugging your daughter with one hand while the other holds his phone behind her head, his gaze intently on the screen while Emma chatters in his ear. He's not paying attention though. He never was and never did.

His black hair is slicked back over his head and cropped shorter than the last time you saw him. Now it barely touches his collar but hangs long over the top of his head. His brown eyes glint an amber in the light of the sun, and he’s wearing a tailored blue suit with a dark patterned tie.

“Hey.” Lance clips to you as he stands, releasing Emma who is still trying to talk to him, but he ignores her.

You grind your teeth together. “Hi.”

He sighs audibly sensing the tension, as if it’s you that’s done something wrong.

“Emma, why don’t you go finish your pancakes?” You smile down at your daughter and pat her on the head. “We’ve got to go soon.”

“Okay! Bye daddy!”

“That’s nice honey.” He says absentmindedly, still typing furiously on his phone, while Emma rushes back down the hallway and into the kitchen, that is hidden from view of the front door.

“You know you could put the phone down for once. The world won’t implode if you wait a few seconds to answer a text.” You say.

“Don’t start.” Lance rolls his eyes.

The BMW idling at the curb catches in the early morning sunlight and you see a flash of red-hair. Crystal is in the passenger seat, her auburn hair piled on top of her head effortlessly, her lips painted a dark colored red, there’s a pair of heart shaped sunglasses over her eyes, and she’s wearing black dress low cut enough that her ample breasts spill out through the wide V.

She peers at you from where she sits in the car, her phone perched in her lap, and you watch her dark colored lips twitch into a knowing smirk when she catches you looking at her.

Each time you saw her was like taking a punch to the gut.  It made you pull your oversized sweater a little tighter over your chest self-consciously.

“I’m not starting anything. I’m just saying that you should pay more attention to-“ You begin, but Lance interrupts.

“I don’t want to do this with you. I have a deposition due today and I have to finish sending this email.” He snaps.

“Fine.” You sigh, trying to remain calm. You hated when he did this, when he made it seem like no one and nothing else was important except his job. “Luke is getting ready. I have to box up these cupcakes for a bake sale at the school. All you have to do is drop them off and tell-“

“Oh sorry babe. Can’t do the thing today.”

You bristled when he called you babe. You weren't his, not after everything the two of you had been through.

“What do you mean you can’t do the ‘thing’ today?” You plant your hands on your hips trying to comprehend what he's saying.

“With the kid. Sorry. Crystal made plans for us at some fancy restaurant or whatever. Supposed to be the best in the city-“

“What?”

“I can’t take the kid today.” He repeats slowly, this time looking up, but he doesn’t bother to apologize, and his gaze barely meets yours before he drops his eyes back to the hand clutched in his perfectly manicured fingers.

“But you promised Luke that you were going to take him to a baseball game today after school. That he was going to get to spend the night with you and-“

“Sorry.” The apology isn’t sincere and you know it, despite Lance’s attempts to drop his smile into a sympathetic frown. It comes across as more condescending.

Crystal honks the horn of the car as if to tell Lance to hurry up, and it takes a very large amount of effort for you not to flip her the bird.

“No. Luke has been looking forward to this all week! Not to mention I had to ask off for today specifically-“

“And I’ll apologize to him too.” Lance goes back to typing something on his phone. “This dinner means a lot to Crystal-“

“I don’t give two shits what means a lot to that red-haired bimbo!” You snap, the rage and frustration building in your chest. “You made a promise to your son to take him to a baseball game and actually spend time with him and that’s exactly what you’re going to do!”

Lance looks up from his phone, his eyes narrowing. “You always fucking do this.”

“Do what?”

“Pick a fight.”

“I am not picking a fight Lance. All you’ve done since you’ve shown up here is ignore your daughter and tell me that you’re backing out of the one thing I’ve asked you to do in months!”

“I told you that I have a meeting and a deposition due today! Damn it, what do you want from me? To quit my big job that pays for this house?” He steps forward towering over you. Lance was taller than you, but he had always been lanky and thin, unable to gain too much weight or muscle at a time. “Why do you find the need to make me feel like my life isn’t important?”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t say anything about your life! I’m talking about our son’s life-“ You shout incredulous.

“This is exactly why I got out when I did. Because you always try to control every little thing. You’re so damn OCD that if I did one microscopic thing that wasn’t apart of your ‘special plans’ you’d spontaneously combust! You never just shut your big mouth and let me just fucking live my life! You never let me feel like a man! And Crystal understands-“

“Crystal can’t even understand that pickles were once cucumbers! I doubt she can understand whatever warped reality you’re living in Lance.” You spit. “But I’m sorry that me asking you to be a part of our children’s lives is too much for you. That it’s such a chore for you to make them happy.” The frustrated tears had begun to burn against your eyes.

You didn’t know why you expected anything different. Lance had been doing this since your son was born, putting his career above everything else, working late, schmoozing whoever he could, being so damn selfish that he was willing to throw everything the two of you built together for the woman sitting in the car on the curb watching the two of you go at it with a sick satisfaction.

“Don’t fucking do that!” Lance roars and this time he slams his hand against the door frame so roughly that the glass inside shakes and you flinch. “I don’t know why I even try to talk to you. So why don’t you get your big ass up those stairs and-“

“Is there a problem?” Russell’s voice interrupts whatever Lance was going to say, his body sliding into the space behind you so suddenly that you didn’t hear him walk up.

But it felt good for him to be there, to feel the warmth of his body through the air at your back.

He places his hand on the door to open it up a little wider and to seem a bit more intimidating. Russell is easily taller and broader than Lance.

Lance looks up at him confused, puffing out his chest to look more intimidating. “Who the fuck are you?”

 “Maybe you shouldn’t use that kind of language around the kids-“ Russell says with a tight lipped smile.

“They’re my fucking kids. Don’t tell me how to talk.” Lance’s gaze flicks to you. “Who the fuck is this?”

“I’m Russell.” He replies before you can. “And if you know what’s good for you I’d take a few steps back from her.” Russell’s large hand gently presses against your waist, a comforting weight that you weren’t expecting, but welcome, nonetheless.

It made you feel a little bit bolder.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Lance snarls. “Is this your boyfriend? Really? You finally decided to go out with someone and that’s who you pick?”

“Look buddy, if you keep talking to her that way, we’re going to have a problem.” Russell sighs. “And I don’t want to get any blood on your fancy suit.”

“I’m not your buddy. And trust me she’s not worth the fight.” Lance sneers at you, giving you a once over that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die.

Russell’s jaw clenches tight and he takes a step forward, but you hold out your arm to stop him.

“He’s not my boyfriend and even if he was, it’s none of your business who I date!” You snap back.

Lance only shakes his head, ignoring what you’ve said. “I’m serious pal you don’t want to get involved with her. She’s fucking crazy, not to mention nothing special when it comes to se-“

The next words are lost in the sound of Russell’s fist landing against Lance’s face, the sharp crack followed by the inhuman scream of Crystal at the car. Lance stumbles back off the front step clutching a hand to his face while blood streams through his pinched fingers and over his chin.

“I warned you. Now if you keep talking, I'll make your eyes match.” Russell growls, flexing his hand.

I hope he didn’t rip his stitches.

“You son of a bitch.” Lance sputters, his hand still holding his broken nose. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

“It’s worth it, if it shuts you up.” He replies unfazed.

Lance’s eyes narrow with hate as he looks at you one more time, before stumbling back to his car where Crystal has begun to wail over the amount of blood coming from his nose. The car squeals down the street and out of sight, leaving Russell and you standing on your front porch. Thankfully Emma was still in the kitchen eating her pancakes and Luke was upstairs, you didn't want either of them to see Russell punch their dad.

But that didn't mean that you wouldn't mind seeing it again.

You groaned when you thought about your son. You didn’t know how on earth you were going to explain to him why his dad wasn’t going to pick him up or take him to the game.

But at the same time there was a sickening amount of pleasure that bubbled beneath the surface at the thought of Russell breaking Lance’s nose.

“Are you okay?” Russell asks turning to look at you. There’s anger still simmering beneath the surface. You’d never seen him angry in all the time he’d stayed with you. All you’d seen was the funny, easy going, guy with the gorgeous smile, but to see him like this and especially to see him angry over what had just happened…

Just when I thought he couldn’t get any more attractive.

“Yeah. I’m sorry-“

“Don’t apologize for that asshole. He shouldn’t have talked to you like that.” Russell hesitates. “Does he always talk to you like that?”

“Pretty much.”

“Damn, should have knocked a few teeth out too. He’s got to learn how to speak to a lady, especially one as beautiful as you.”

You felt your cheeks flush. You couldn’t remember the last time that someone called you beautiful and before you can stop yourself you say:

“I don’t think you’re too bad looking yourself.”

“Oh I know. You couldn’t keep your hands off me last night.” Russell’s grin makes you smile and roll your eyes at him.

Again you’re struck by how charming he is and how kind. He didn’t have to do any of the things he’d done today, but he did anyway. He didn’t have to make breakfast for your children, he didn’t have to step in when your ex-husband got mouthy, and he didn’t have to punch Lance in the face, but Russell had.

He'd done more for you in the past few hours than your husband had done in the six years you'd been married to him.

Behind where Russell's standing, Colter’s truck pulls up to idle on the curb in the same place that the BMW had been sitting moments ago, and you raise a hand in a half-wave to greet him. Colter shoots you a grin and waves back.

“Guess my ride’s here.” Russell says glancing back at his brother over his shoulder before he looks back at you.

“Seems so.” You nod. “Are you sure you don’t want me to check your stitches for you one more time before you go? I mean you probably ripped them when you punched Lance."

“Sounds like you just want to catch another peak of me without my shirt on.” Russell laughs, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up.” You roll your eyes and hit him on the arm.

“Ow.”

“You’ll survive.”

“Maybe.” He’s studying you again, the sunlight turning his hair a honeyed brown and his eyes into a sharp jade. The light catches his broad shoulders and traces along his strong jaw that is covered in a healthy amount of stubble that makes him look rugged and more handsome than any man you’d ever met.

You bite the inside of your cheek. “It was nice to meet you Russell. And again, I'm sorry that you got shot."

Russell shrugs. “It was worth it. I got to meet you and I got to punch that asshole in the face so win-win.”

“You didn’t have to-“

“Yes, I did.” Russell’s jaw tightens. “You didn’t deserve any of the things he was saying about you or about the kids.”

“True.” You hesitate.

Should I ask him for his number or is that too forward?

“I’ll see you around.” Russell smiles at you one more time before making his way to his brother’s car, just as Emma joins you on the front step.

“Did daddy leave?” She sounds sad.

“Yeah. He did.” You take her small hand in yours.

“But why does Russell have to go too?” She whines.

“Because he’s going home.”

You felt a twinge in your chest watching him get into the car, knowing that you probably would never see him ever again. It made you sad to know that. You'd been interested in him and you thought he was interested in you, but he hadn't asked for your number.

Maybe he's flirty and charming with everyone.

You hide the frown that comes with that thought. Emma waves goodbye with her freehand, and Russell smiles from the passenger seat, waving back at your daughter, before he raises his gaze to yours again and winks.

Or maybe not.

When you go back inside the house, Luke is still upstairs, and instead of going up to tell him about his father, you turn to go back into your kitchen to clean up. As you near the stove, you notice a bright green piece of paper under one of the magnets on your refrigerator, fluttering slightly in the air-conditioning.

You pull it down to look.

In case you want some more pancakes or if you bake any more of those life changing cupcakes. Give me a call. -Russell.

His phone number was written under his name, next to a smiley face that made you laugh aloud to yourself.

Sunday nights were the worst, but not this time.

A/N: Alright, I had so much fun with this one! I just had this urge to write Russell with a reader who had children and a trash man ex because why not? And I know I said it would be a one-shot… but my mind is already thinking of all the possibilities lol. Mostly because we all know I can’t really write just a one-shot 😅😂

As always thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, Likes, and Comments are not required but are always appreciated. I love hearing what y’all think!

Taglist:

@roseblue373 @livya99 @mrsjenniferwinchester

[0xa00001]

james is big on the idea of choice. I use the words "has to" in reference to his decision to start up his cell of dedsec, but the fact is it was always a choice. “has to” is passive; it implies nothing could be done to prevent the outcome of the situation. but choosing is taking deliberate action, owning your decision and whatever consequences that follow. ownership of his choices is how james maintains his independence in a life pathetically devoid of it for so long, and it's also why james cannot be forced to do a single goddamn thing he doesn't want to— because james refuses to be held accountable for actions he did not choose to take. if his plan goes wrong, that's fine; that's his plan. he'll own the mistake and the disaster that results. 

as a result, he has very little patience for people who are quick to blame others, or quick to say I had no choice. because in james' mind, there is always a choice. the choice might be hard, it may be dangerous, but the choice is still there and needs to be made. choosing to not act is still an act of choosing in and upon itself, and james sees inaction in the face of evil as tantamount to evil itself.

(there's wiggle room there, of course; some people are well and truly fucked over by others. james would never blame a victim of abuse for being unable to leave, for instance, so it's a little more gray than he likes to think. but the abuser? they absolutely choose to be like that, and james will choose to destroy them.)

this emphasis accountability carries over into members of dedsec and, more importantly, dedsec's targets. because those people have made the decision to value their goals over other people, and they choose to hurt people to accomplish those goals. and that's just it: they choose to hurt people, and dedsec loves nothing more than stripping power from people who knowingly abuse it. they could have used it to help, but they did this instead.

the words emblazoned on their digital epitaph are this: you did this to you.

so when james says I had to start dedsec, that's not entirely what he means. because james park always has and always will play a game of calculated risks, weighing lives, assets, and information against the complications and benefits of any move he makes. james is contingencies stacked on contingencies, a plan for pretty much every outcome— because he can't predict everything, try as he might— with costs carefully considered. decisions are made deliberately, and improvising when plan goes to shit is something he struggles with for a long time. in those early years in the yakuza james bluffs, acts like he has his shit together just long enough to catch himself and get back on track, but nothing will ever frustrate him more than being in a situation he didn't anticipate. that heavy emphasis on accountability comes back to bite him: because if james believes by necessity he chooses everything that happens to him, then when he's put in a situation he doesn't like, that must have also been his choice. he missed something. he didn't account for something. a refusal to let others control his life means he thinks everything bad that happens is also his own doing, even if it's not. because of course it's never that cut and dry.

and so dedsec too is a calculated risk. but this one scares him— scares him more than any do or die plan ever has, scares him more than staring down the barrel of a gun, because it's not the cold math of assets and income. this math is moral, this is the math of doing the right thing, and how is he supposed to weigh the systems he's surrounded himself with to protect him and the people he's grown to trust against the idea of making real, true change in the world? people who he knows by definition will become targets of the thing he's leaving them behind to create? people he knows have more power than him, and he’s unsure if he could beat if it came down to it?

it scares him because he cares now, and cares enough that the thought of death is no longer an impediment. scares him too because isn't he one of those monsters he's now seeking out to destroy? for the first time he feels unworthy and, worse, he feels unworthy of a goal he himself chose to try and accomplish.

and it's not that james doesn't think it'll work. he wouldn't do it if that wasn't the case. but it's that he realizes the severity of what he's giving up, how the plan he's going for is idealistically naive at best and downright suicidal at worst— and how he feels, despite the fact that he knows this will kill him, that he's going to do it regardless.

well, it's better than dying for someone else's profit, anyway.

james believes the world can be a better place. look at what he operates under for years, the power struggles, the ruthlessness of the yakuza. he sat quietly for years while he burned from the inside out about how little these people care beyond their own status and profit— how even james didn't care, for a while, beyond control and security— and will step over countless others to attain them. from the very beginning the thought this is wrong grew under james' skin, fed by rage and impotence, until it became a tumour so large ignoring it was a greater task than doing something about it.

and maybe that's what was truly terrifying about it to him— the fact that, for the first time in his life, james felt like he had to do something. and that thing he had to do was throw away literally everything he had ever known and chase the idea of good.

it may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it's mine.