#i've only ever made like 2 posts on here and the rest is just reblogs haha idk why i have followers but i am so grateful!!!

[ninii-winchester]

Chosen Affection

Pairing : Dean Winchester X Reader

Word Count : 3.3k

Warnings : slight angst, language, Lucifer being Lucifer, soft smut at the end (nothing explicit) MDNI. Unedited.

Part 2 to Deepest Desire

A/n : This is a Supernatural x Lucifer crossover fic. I’ve only ever watched a few episodes of Lucifer. This is a work of fiction, I don’t own Supernatural or Lucifer. They belong to CW and Netlfix respectively.

I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO COPY MY WORK, TRANSLATE IT OR POST IT TO ANY OTHER PLATFORM. REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED.

After talking with Sam, Y/n went back inside the bar and Dean followed silently. Chloe could tell Y/n had been crying and the tension was obvious. Lucifer eyed the couple, clearly enjoying the drama, which he created in the first place. Not intentionally but he did.

"I think it's best we get to the Bunker and see what we can do from there." Y/n told the other three, Dean opened his mouth to argue but she cut him off. "Sam agrees."

"The Bunker?" Chloe asked confusion lacing her voice.

"It's our workplace. We live there too." Y/n replied, Dean's heart squeezed the she didn't call it home. He knew it was far from homey but that's the closest thing they've had to a place of their own.

"Sounds fun." Lucifer said standing up from his seat.

The quartet left the bar. Dean watched as Y/n slid into the back seat of the Impala, he sighed before he made his way to the driver's seat. Lucifer slid into the passenger's seat while Chloe joined Y/n in the back. He watched her from the rear view mirror hoping to catch her eye but she never looked his way.

The drive back was awkward and tense. Dean couldn't bear the uncomfortable silence so stepped on the gas, wanting to reach their destination as soon as possible. They soon arrived at the Bunker and Dean opened the huge door allowing them to enter. The quartet descended the stairs and Y/n spotted Sam sitting at one of the tables in the library, his laptop opened in front of him.

Sam noticed the presence of other people, and looked away from the screen. He looked at the man in black suit with weary eyes, not feeling completely at ease in his presence. Chloe noticed his timidness and introduced herself.

"I'm Detective Chloe Decker." She held her hand for Sam to shake. "This is..uh my partner, Lucifer."

"Sam Winchester." He shook her hand and nodded at Lucifer who stood there with his hands in his pant pockets. That was so awkward that even, ever the friendly, Sam had a hard time clearing the air.

"Alright." Y/n broke the silence before she went crazy with all the palpable tension around the room. "We need to send them back home as soon as possible. Sam have you got anything yet?" She questioned walking towards him as he sat back on his chair.

"So I've been searching the internet for a way to open a portal to another universe and so far I've got anything." He explained running a hand through his hair. "Although I've yet to search the the files in the library."

"Yeah the Men of Letters might have key laying around here." Y/n commented with a roll of her eyes.

Sam noticed the lack of participation from his brother, he didn't fail to notice the distance between Dean and Y/n, it seemed as she was avoiding him at all costs.

"Is there anyway we can help?" Chloe asked from where she stood.

"Don't you want to rest a bit? I'm sure you're tired after being thrown into another universe." Y/n said softly.

"I already feel like we're asking too much from you people." Chloe replied bashfully. "We can help."

"Its fine-"

"Why don't you say it out right that you don't trust us with your precious files filled with important information." Lucifer interrupted Y/n with a smirk on his face.

"You know what, yes. I don't trust you. At all! So you shut your trap before I throw you in the dungeon alright?" Y/n snapped, directing all of her pent up anger towards Lucifer.

"And just who do you think you're talking to?" The devil asked menacingly, walking towards her. Dean was quick with his feet stepping in front of her, his gun pointing towards Lucifer.

"Don't you dare." Dean threatened.

The man just laughed before speaking, "is this your way of sucking up to her? It's quite pathetic if you ask me."

Sam's brow raised in confusion at his words, before things could get worse Chloe jumped in, "Lucifer, back off. Dean please put the gun down." Dean glared at Lucifer still pointing his gun at him. At Chloe's intervention Lucifer stepped back, prompting Dean to lower his gun. "It's best if we rest." Chloe looked at Y/n and she nodded.

"Dean will show you where you'll stay." Sam spoke, Dean gave him a look that said i-will? and the younger brother shrugged. When the others left the library Sam turned to Y/n. "So are you gonna tell me or I'm gonna have to play twenty questions with you?" She sighed before filling him in.

"It hurts, Sam." She felt herself tear up. Sam immediately went to comfort her. She sobbed in his chest as he held her. "After everything we've been through and it still wasn't enough..."

"Hey don't say that. Maybe you should talk to him, hear what he has to say." Sam suggested. She knew she had to face him sooner or later. "It's late, how about you go and get some rest, you came back from a hunt, must be tired." She nodded her head before leaving his embrace.

She left the library, walking through the hallways she debated whether she should go to their shared bedroom or to the room she stayed in before she moved in his'. That room hasn't been used in a long time. Before she knew it she was standing in front of their shared bedroom, her feet unintentionally dragged her there. She sighed before entering the room. After taking a quick shower she settled into bed. As tired as she was, she couldn't get her brain to keep repeated those moments from the bar.

"Amara" Dean's voice kept repeating that name in her head.

The door to the room opened, Dean entered the room as quietly as possible, assuming she's asleep. He'd gone to library and offered Sam to help but his younger brother told him he needed to be elsewhere and refused his offer politely. Dean's eyes landed her figure on the bed, eyes widen open staring at ceiling.

"Y/n." Dean called out approaching the bed slowly.

"Not now, Dean." She replied, unblinking.

Dean nodded before changing into comfortable clothes and slipping into bed. He knew she wouldn't be in here if she wasn't comfortable sharing a bed with him, however he kept his distance incase she didn't want him touching her. He knows she's hurting, but her ignorance is killing him and the last thing he needs is her pushing him away.

"Did they settle in okay?" Y/n questioned after a minutes of silence.

"Yeah." Dean replied. "Lucifer is a dick though." He added with an eye roll.

"He's the devil, what do you expect."

Minutes passed and none of them spoke, Y/n couldn't fall asleep for the life of her, she kept tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable. She wanted to hold him, she wanted him to hold her. She was too hurt to make a move and her ego was too big to ask him.

Noticing her restless Dean couldn't help but blurt out, "Can I hold you?" Part of him wanted her to get comfortable and part of him wanted to hold her in his arms since he couldn't ever sleep peacefully without her. He didn't know if he asked it for her sake or his own.

She scolded herself for being so eager to be in his arms but she couldn't help but nod her head. He didn't waste a second wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her closer to his chest, so her back rested against it. He snuggled his face in the crook of her neck.

"I love you, sweetheart." He whispered in her ear, placing a soft kiss on her neck. She shuddered at his action and that was the first time in forever she didn't say it back.

Dean woke up to an empty bed. The clock read 2:27 and he shoved the covers off of him haphazardly and bolted out of the room. First thing that came to his mind that she left him. With hurried footsteps he reached the library, his eyes fell on Sam who was surrounded by files, books and empty beer bottles. His breathing picked up, Sam opened his mouth to question his brother but Y/n's voice interrupted him.

"Dean?" She called out his name, noticing his disheveled state. He turned around to see her standing at the entrance of the war room with two mugs of coffee in her hands. He didn't answer her, instead he took large steps towards her and hugged her tightly. Her arms were angled awkwardly and she somehow managed not to spill the scalding hot coffee over themselves. She sent Sam a confused look over Dean's shoulder and he shrugged, not knowing either.

"I thought you left." Dean mumbled in her shoulder.

"I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd help Sam." Dean nodded before pulling away. An awkward silence followed after. She walked over to Sam putting a mug in front of him.

"Did you guys find something?" Dean asked following behind and her taking a seat.

"Actually we did. There's a few ways to open a portal. There's energy manipulation, magic ritual, or using an ancient artefact or finding a weak spot." Sam explained taking a sip of his coffee.

"But we don't have ingredients for a magic ritual and we certainly do not have the specific artefact." Y/n commented.

"So either energy manipulation or finding a weak spot?" Dean questioned looking at her.

"Maybe but considering Lucifer has to absorb energy from a volcano or a thunderstorm, I don't think it's safe to let him juice up." She replied with a concerned voice.

"Agreed." Sam said rubbing his eyes. "Our best bet is finding a weak spot. From there he can open a portal by using his own powers saying this incantation." Sam turned his screen towards his brother.

"So were do find this 'weak spot'?" The older Winchester wondered out loud.

"It's usually around places like deep woods, ruins or caves. Lucifer can sense it since he has powers." Y/n answered.

"So let's do it." Dean said getting up.

"Wait, now?" Y/n exclaimed.

"Yeah now." Sam agreed with Dean. "The sooner he goes back, the better."

Y/n nodded in understanding, she told them she'd go and get Lucifer and Chloe while the Winchester brothers geared up. Y/n quickly changed and met up with the others. They'd decided to go to the forest. It took them three hours to reach their destination. They got out of the Impala and ventured into the woods.

"Thank you for helping us Y/n." Chloe said as they continued to trek through the dark forest.

"That’s what we do but you’re welcome." She smiled at the blonde. The three men walked ahead of them Sam and Dean constantly asking Lucifer if he felt anything. And the devil kept giving them snippy replies.

"You know.." Chloe started gaining Y/n's attention. "I may not know you all for long but I'm observant. You're good people. I can see Dean truly loves you, whatever he said back there it hurt him too." She said looking at Y/n. It sure felt like the detective knew what she was talking about. "You should give him a chance to explain." Y/n mumbled a quiet 'yeah' with nod.

"This is it." Lucifer said loudly. "I can feel it." He held his arm up feeling up an open space.

"Alright, now channel your powers and focus on the spot. Think of the place you want to go. Your world." Lucifer did as Sam told him to.  Sam handed Lucifer a piece of paper. "Now say this." They could see a split forming above them and bright light emerging from it.

"Ad universum alterum patefacio, vires

invoco. Portalem aperire, vires occultas evocare. Tempus et spatium frangere, iter transire concedere." Lucifer read out loud and the five of them watched in awe as a portal finally opened.

A strong wind roared through the landscape, its force palpable and relentless. Trees bent and swayed, their leaves and branches rustling loudly as they were whipped around. The air was filled with the sound of howling gusts, the sheer strength of the wind created an atmosphere of raw, untamed energy.

"Holy fucking-" Y/n exclaimed, Dean instinctively moving in front of her.

Lucifer breathed heavily, panting as he stood back.   

"Alright. You ready to go back?" Lucifer asked Chloe and she nodded. She quickly hugged Y/n and thanked Sam and Dean.

"I have to say, you three really are something." Lucifer said with a smirk. "And I thank you for your help." He added. The three of them nodded.

They watched as Lucifer and Chloe jumped into the portal and it closed as soon as they fell through. The wind stopped and the light was gone. Sighs of relief were heard in the complete silence of the forest.

"Felt weird being thanked by the devil." Y/n chuckled as they walked back to the car.

"You're telling me." Sam added.

Dean was silent the whole ride back to the Bunker. The sun has already risen, the world felt calm and serene, filled with a promise of a new day. Y/n hoped this new day brings her some peace. When they reached to the Bunker Dean left the car without saying a word.

“You’re gonna talk to him?” Sam asked looking worried. He knew now that Dean didn’t have something to focus on, his mind would be all over the place.

“Yeah.” She replied walking inside. When she opened the door to their shared bedroom she saw Dean sitting on the edge of the bed. He had something is his hands but quickly hid it when he noticed her, though he fiddling with a set of keys in his hands. She took smalls steps and sat beside him. A few seconds passed in silence when Dean chuckled humourlessly,

“You know,” he started, “I was waiting for so long, I didn’t want it to go this way.” She looked at him, confusion written all over her face. “I thought I’d do it when you’d come back from that hunt, take you out somewhere fancy, dinner and all.”

“Dean-”

“I bought us a house.” He interrupted her. He showed the keys that were in his hands. “I thought I’d tell you after I’d ask you, and you’d hopefully say yes, we’ll start a new life. You, me our kids. Together. No more monsters, no more hunting.” Her heart rate picked up, “I should’ve known better though, when has anything gone the way we’ve wanted it.” He moved to kneel in front of her holding her hands in his.

“She,” Dean grimaced, “her and I were bound because of the mark, the mark may have gone from my arm but it’s has left something behind, it’s an urge. I don’t desire her at all, not her physical self anyway. It’s something I don’t like admitting out loud but there’s something in me that’s dark and sometimes it makes me want to do things that I did when I had that mark.” She let out a gasp at his confession.

“Dean I had no idea.” A few tears escaped her eyes.

“But you know what keeps me sane? You.” He cupped her cheek in his hand wiping away her tears. “You’re my light, you vanish all the darkness inside of me. You’re the one I want, you’re the one I crave. You’re the one that makes me want to be better. I’m not bound to you, you’re a conscious choice sweetheart. Everyday, every second you’re the one I want.” He grabbed something from beside her, she hadn’t even notice it was there all the time. She gasped again when she saw what it was, a small velvet box.

“Y/n, sweetheart, I love you, I always have and I always will. I know I’ve hurt you baby, but if you give me this one chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how much I desire you. Will you marry me?”

She couldn’t believe what she heard, did he just say he’s giving up hunting? Getting a house? Getting married? Kids?

“You, Dean Winchester, has decided to quit hunting?” She questioned, thinking somehow she’s didn’t hear him right.

“Yeah,” he chuckled through tears. “And hopefully spend the rest of my life with you, Mrs. Winchester, if you would.” He gestured to the ring in his hand.

“I like the sound of that.” She teased with a smile on her face.

“So will you?” He asked again, not believing her until she says it out loud.

“Yes Dean, I’ll marry you.” He didn’t waste a second slipping the ring on her finger.

“I love you so much.” He pressed his lips to her, kissing ber softly, pouring all of his love into it. Their lips moved in perfect sync, a soft brush sent shivers down their spines. Time seemed to slow, and the world around them faded into a blur. The warmth of their breath mingled, and the closeness created a cocoon of shared emotion. The gentle pressure and the delicate movement of their lips, created a bond that felt both timeless and immediate.

“I love you too, Dean.” She panted as they pulled apart. “I won’t lie, I was hurt pretty badly when you said that. But I had no idea where it came from and it made me insecure. I thought you wanted her.” She spoke lowly as if sharing a secret.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I shouldn’t have kept it from you, but after everything, I didn’t want you to worry. You’d finally had some peace.”

“I understand but from now on, no more secrets okay? I want you to be open with me, yeah?”

“I promise.” He kissed her again, laying her back on the bed. He hovered above her, his hands placed on either side of her head. She let out a soft moan as he kissed her neck and moved to her collarbone. “Let me make love to you, baby.”

She nodded, pulling him back up, kissing him passionately. “Show me how much you love me.” He gently pulled her shirt over her head, and she gripped at his’, indicating she wanted it off and he quickly removes it. It didn’t take long for them to get rid of all their clothing, leaving them completely naked.

He dragged his fingers delicately over her cheek, down her neck and chest. She flipped them over making him lay on his back. She bit his neck, nibbling and leaving dark purple hickeys. She moved to his chest, kissing her way down to his stomach before she could go any further he stopped her.

“Later, baby. I need to feel you.” Dean flipped them over again. He watched her flushed face, leaning on his one arm, he reached a hand between their bodies and gripped himself, leading himself to her. They moaned in unison as he penetrated her. “Fuck baby.” He groaned in her neck.

Moans and groans filled the room as they continue to loose themselves into heated passion. Wrapped up in each others embrace, bare skin pressed together, their hearts beating in unison. Coming undone together basking in the aftershocks of their passionate love making they laid entwined in the soft sheets, their breaths slowly synchronized, a comfortable silence enveloped them. She rested her head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, a sound that had become her lullaby.

Tags:

@fullbelieverheart @spnfamily-j2 @n-o-p-e-never @montyrokz @deangirl96

[topherwrites]

FIC RECS: TOP GUN: MAVERICK - 2!

Okay, so there was shit I forgot in my year in review rec list. I posted it and a minimum of about 10 other fics immediately came to mind. so, part 2! I also didn't put many WIPs on the first one, but I think currently in progress fics should get some love too. I'll be marking them with an asterisk.

If I made a little comment about every single fic or series here, it would be inhumanely long, so I've refrained from doing so and have just put the summaries for each.

I hope that anyone who reads this list finds something that they love on it just as much as I do! Happy reading!

P.S. If I missed anyone, I'm sorry, there was a lot to sort through!

(P.S.S. reblog the fics you like, it makes writers happy.)

part 1, if you missed it.

SOME OF THESE ARE 18+, PLEASE HEED THE INDIVIDUAL WARNINGS!

JAKE SERESIN

Parking Lots and Matcha Lattes by @withahappyrefrain

In an attempt to get coffee, you meet a grade A asshole whose head you want to rip off. Meanwhile, Jake Seresin is pretty certain he just met his future wife in the parking lot of a coffee shop. AKA Jake Seresin likes mean women, pass it on.

The Hangman Special by @hangmanssunnies

On a night out with your friends at a fancy cocktail bar, you are just trying to keep your head down and ignore the girl that your ex cheated on you with. The night only seems like it's going to get worse when you are dared to kiss a stranger at the bar. However, it seems like the odds might finally be in your favor when you notice a familiar set of broad shoulders. If you can be convincing, you think you might just be able to get your brother's friend Jake "Hangman" Seresin to help you out with your little problem.

*she is both hellfire and holy water by @chemistryread

you should take it as a compliment, that I'm talking to everyone here but you.

Birds Away by @wombtotombx

You’d known Jake since you were kids, bonding over the shared experience of being military brats overseas. You were the perfect pair - he was reckless, you followed the rules; he didn’t care what others thought, you were a people-pleaser. You both became the best of the best in your field - he through sheer talent and skill, you from demonstrated grit and determination. For over two decades, everyone around you - parents, friends, even teachers - had assumed you’d both end up together, despite the fact that somehow, you never did. The Navy always had its way of keeping you two apart. Whatever possibilities there might have been, it was just never in the cards. Until you got to Fallon.

*The Backup by @ereardon

No strings attached sex never works, right? You and Jake Seresin have fallen into a bad pattern of seeking each other out for sex after dates go awry, but a year of being friends with benefits with Jake hasn’t been good for your dating life. Especially when the two of you are hiding your antics from your lifelong best friend Coyote and the rest of your tightly knit friend group. But what happens when you decide to take a step back and end the cycle with Jake to focus on your dating life? And why is it that all of the sudden Jake looks more irresistible than ever when you know he’s off limits? 

Take Care of Business by @honkytonk-hangman

The last time you met Lieutenant Jake Seresin, the war was still ongoing and you’d been in a floundering engagement. Back then you’d seen the possibility for more in his eyes, and now? Well, now you could explore it.

When Jake Met Polly by @/honkytonk-hangman

Jake likes to flirt with his Air Traffic Controller or Jake Seresin has never seen When Harry Met Sally.

How It's Done (Oneshot Version) by @/honkytonk-hangman

“Like me? I didn’t even think you wanted me as a squadmate, let alone–” you stop speaking, but only because Hangman cuts his eyes sharply away from you to glare out at the ocean. “Well, I do.” He says kind of indignantly, all things considered, and eyes you almost sourly. “You can just say no if you don’t–” “–No, I do!” you quickly cut him off, because at the end of it all, you’re a little too much of a hopeless romantic to let this moment pass you by.

Twenty-Five Going on Forty-Seven by @sehnsuchts-trunken

Flirting with the guy who fixed your car turns out to lead to much, much more when you find out he’s actually not just some random guy, but your new neighbour and father’s new best friend, Jake Seresin.

BRADLEY BRADSHAW

*fever pitch by @greenorangevioletgrass

Arsenal and USMNT captain Bradley Bradshaw attends the mononymous music sensation Y/N's concert with a friendship bracelet and a dream. Little did he know that they soon embark on an epic love story fit for pop royalty...

This Love Came Back to Me by @beyondthesefourwalls

You and Bradley hadn’t ended on bad terms; really, you stopped before the two of you could even truly begin. Still, in the last seven months, you had never completely left his mind. So when you suddenly appeared in front of him at the bar, asking for a favor and pulling him into a kiss, he thought maybe it was the perfect opportunity to see if this time, things could be different. But what neither of you realized was that there’s more going on than just rekindling a lost romance, and it might not be as easy as simply just wanting it.

I Like Your Cinema by @sometimesanalice

Bradley wasn’t sure why you wanted to see the movie again, especially when neither one of you had particularly liked it the first time you’d seen it together. But when you’re tugging down his zipper, things start to make a lot more sense.

‘cause no one breaks my heart like you by @heartsofminds

“Last times always make him uneasy. He thinks that he should be used to it by now from his track record of being abandoned (willfully or “out of their control” situations alike). None of this should hurt him as deeply anymore.” or Bradley Bradshaw is terrified of commitment and he decides to stop being selfish (even though it’s hard to see).

the periphery by @youvebeenlivingfictional

You’d met Bradley a few times before the happy couple had announced their nuptials, and you’d always gotten a pretty good vibe from him. He was sweet, he was easy to talk to—and it helped that he was easy on the eyes. In fact, as soon as you’d been told that Bradley Bradshaw was going to be the Best Man, you were well on your way to having a crush on the guy.

*Hotter Than Texas by @tongue-like-a-razor

Bradley Bradshaw is tasked with transporting a not-so-delicate package in the form of Jake Seresin’s baby sister, who turns out to be Bradley’s dream girl worst nightmare.

*flight risk by @ofstoriesandstardust

In which you and Rooster got married while at UVA for the military benefits. What started out as a mutually beneficial deal between friends years ago turns into a point of interest for Maverick, causing Rooster to have to haul you out to Fightertown to get him to shut up. While Maverick’s fussing over a marriage he didn’t know existed, Rooster’s focused on getting the ball rolling on divorce papers because really, the Navy does not need to be calling some poor girl from his college that he’s died in a horrendous accident. It’s proving to be more difficult than he expected, especially when Hangman and Phoenix take it upon themselves to encourage a friendship to become more. 

How You Play the Game by @roosterforme

Bradley always loved October because of the World Series. He never expected a mix-up with the ticket he won to bring something as spectacular as you into his life. But time is fleeting, and now baseball is the last thing on his mind.

*The Intern by @/roosterforme

You barely have a minute to yourself after graduating at the top of your Ivy League class before your father insists you find an internship. Your days of lounging by the pool and partying are numbered as he has an endless parade of his colleagues visiting the house. But one of them is familiar to you in a way that warms your skin just like the San Diego sun. And it turns out, Bradley Bradshaw may just have the answers to all your problems. And those answers might be waiting for you on a yacht in the Mediterranean Sea.

there was something 'bout you by @bussyslayer333

bradley bradshaw didn’t fall in love, especially not with uptight girls in his english lit class and especially not the ones being forced into tutoring him.

*Ultraviolence by @babyonboard

You and Bradley loved each other, and Jake was just your old friend from high school who you tried to pay no mind to. At least that's how it used to be.

All Too Well by @bradleyfuckingbradshaw

You’re at dinner with your boyfriend and some of his colleagues at a restaurant he chose when you look over the menu and realize there’s no vegetarian option, but he’s too busy with his friends to realize that. Bradley isn’t.

October 3rd Promptober by @familyvideostevie

you go to a tailgate with your friend bradley.

If You Met Me First by @tip-top-cloud-surfer

Rooster confessed to Echo that he was in love with her before the mission. One minor problem: she has a boyfriend.

Home for the Holidays by @mothdruid

Bradley might have lied about having a girlfriend. His best friend, you, decide to help him out and go home for the holidays with him. As the trip unfolds, so does your and Bradley’s feelings for one another.

BOB FLOYD

*I bet this would look beautiful on film by @coridotmp3

Honey desperately needs a photographer, and Bob desperately needs a break.

Robert from Next Door by @attapullman

You've lucked out with the perfect neighbor, a kind and overly helpful WSO. He puts up Christmas lights, lends his lawn mower, and grabs your morning paper. But what happens when he's out of peppermint tea one night?

If Only the Neighbors Knew by @/attapullman

A month of stolen kisses culminates in Robert hosting the HOA meeting and getting you on his couch. The ladies of the neighborhood may make him blush, but only you can make your sweet neighbor weak in the knees.

*Golden Hour by @/ereardon

Willow, Georgia. Barely even a town, just a speck on a map that you tried to wipe off, mistaking it for a crumb. You’re the outsider: a fancy New York doctor, fresh out of a failed engagement, with zero primary care experience. You’re also the new town doctor, taking over for a recent retiree who was beloved. His son, Bob Floyd, is the other physician at the practice, and takes an immediate dislike to you. But you were looking for a fresh start, and Willow doesn’t seem all that bad if you can get past the fact that there's only one restaurant in town. It helps that you've caught the eye of Bradley Bradshaw, the town attorney, despite the fact that you vowed to take a break from dating. How long until you start to make friends in a town where social circles have been set in stone since elementary school? And what will it take to make Bob Floyd see you’re not as bad as he wants to believe you are?

Ruin the Friendship by @withahappyrefrain

The night before Bob leaves for Boot Camp, he’s learned no one has gone down on his best friend. He’s determined to fix that.

International Bob Floyd Fucks Month Masterlist

a january writing event hosted by @/attapullman

Bob from Stats by @/attapullman

College is a wild time, but absolutely nothing could prepare you for the quiet guy from Stats riding around campus as a cowboy. Or what a good kisser he is.

[hotvintagepoll]

Propaganda

Barbara Stanwyck (Ball of Fire, The Lady Eve, Double Indemnity)—I hope someone else has submitted better propaganda than I because I don't want my girl's prospects to rest on me just yelling PLEASE VOTE FOR MY TERRIBLE HOT GIRLFRIEND. She is a delight in everything! She is often a sexy jerk! (It's most of the plot of Baby Face!) Even when she plays a "good girl" (as an example, Christmas in Connecticut, which more people should see) she's still kind of a jerk and I love her for it! She won't take men's shit and she sure wouldn't take mine!

Margaret Lockwood (The Wicked Lady, The Lady Vanishes)— Gorgeous feisty funny talented and the sexiest stubborn face ever committed to film. And if people haven't seen the original Wicked Lady they need to be introduced to a glorious poly highway romp of a film. When a woman outsneers James Mason you know she has sex appeal!

This is round 2 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Margaret Lockwood:

Barbara Stanwyck:

"THE leading lady of the golden age of hollywood. One of the only actresses to work independent of a studio, making short-term contracts that enabled her to make movies wherever she wanted. She had so much range, and could act in basically any genre. She's been rumored to be a lesbian literally since she was active in Hollywood; most notable is the rumor that she had a long time on-and-off relationship with famously bi Joan Crawford, her "best friend" for decades (They lived right next door to one another). She also lived with Helen Ferguson, her "live-in publicist" for many years. She was the quintessential femme fatale in Double Indemnity, and really pushed sexual boundaries in her pre-code films like Baby Face, and the famous screwball The Lady Eve, where she plays basically a downlow domme. Allegedly, when a journalist asked her if she was a lesbian, she straight up threw him out of her house. She even played a lesbian in Walk on the Wild Side"

"THE queen of screwball comedies. I adore her, I'd kill for her, I will cry if she's not gonna win this poll."

"listen ok she had awful politics she was a mccarthyist right wing wacko BUT she's so incredibly hot that i've deluded myself into believing i could fix her. if you see her onscreen she carries herself in a way that's just so effortlessly sexy AND she has just a stunning face. imo she was at her hottest in the 1940s but even as early as the late 1920s she had a rly captivating screen presence and just a beautiful face, and then post-1950 she was just irresistibly milfy so really she was just always incredibly hot. she was also an incredibly talented actress who was equally stellar in melodrama, film noir, and unhinged screwball comedy. the blonde wig they made her wear in double indemnity is notoriously silly looking but she still looks sexy in it so that's gotta count for something. i've watched so many terrible movies just for a chance at seeing her that i think her estate should be paying me damages."

"Not often thought of for her sultriness, Barbara Stanwyck was incredible in that she could actually choose to be hot if the role called for it, and then have a glow-down to look ordinary for another role. She wasn't the most beautiful or effervescent, but damn did she have rizz. Watch her with Gary Cooper in Ball of Fire teaching him about "yum-yum" or with Henry Fonda in The Lady Eve whispering huskily into his ear."

"She is always the smartest woman in the room. Watching her play Henry Fonda like a befuddled fiddle in The Lady Eve was a highlight of my life. Femme fatale in Double Indemnity, comedy queen in Ball of Fire. She can do anything."

"She was part of my gay awakening"

"SHE'S A PRE-CODE QUEEN. She did everything, drama, comedy. The most beautiful woman in the world to watch weep. Beg for to step on you with those legs. Fun Babs story: Ginger Rogers was offered the role in Ball of Fire but said, “Oh, I would never play that part, she’s too common.” So they called Barbara Stanwyck and they said “We offered this to Ginger Rogers but she’s turned it down, would you be interested?” And she read the script and she said; “You bet! I LOVE playing common broads. [link]"

[sebastianstanisahotmf]

Never alone

Bucky Barnes x Reader

A/N This is a part of my 100 followers celebration. I'm sorry I'm posting these so late at night but it's the only time I've got to post them. I wrote this on my phone so there might be more mistakes. Also, likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated.

THIS IS NOT AN 18+ FIC BUT I STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MINORS READING MY FICS SO PLEASE DNI IF YOU ARE A MINOR

Summary You get back from a mission and Bucky isn't in a good state.

DO NOT REPOST ON ANY OTHER APPS/WEBSITES. THE ONLY PLACE THIS FIC IS ON IS TUMBLR.

Warnings Fluff, angst, crying, mentions of depression/ptsd

It was inevitable that Bucky was going to have good and bad days but today was worse than bad. He had never felt so alone.

You had been on a mission for 1 month now and Bucky was missing you a lot. You had called him the night before to tell him that you were only gonna be 2 more days but that didn't help. The constant nightmares made him feel so tired and depressed.

Bucky was halfway through making himself a cup of coffee when he heard the door open to your shared apartment. Before he could turn around, you were wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing kisses to his back.

"I missed you so much babe," you told him.

Bucky turned to face you, "I missed you too doll."

Bucky opened his arms and you hugged him. He buried his nose in your hair. You stood like that for a couple of minutes before you felt something wet on your hair and Bucky’s body tremble. You pulled back to see him crying.

"what's wrong babe?" you asked, cradling his face between your hands.

"I-I felt so alone while you were gone doll. I feel so stupid but the nightmares came back," Bucky sobbed.

You jumped up onto the nearest counter and opened your arms. Bucky walked over to you and rested his forehead under your chin while you rubbed his back.

The counter helped you be higher than Bucky so you could properly comfort him.

"shhh, you're not alone anymore and you're definitely not stupid. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to cry babe," you whispered into his ear.

Bucky continued to sob into your chest for some time before the sobs turned into small sniffles and hiccups.

"I'm sorry doll for doing this to you. You're probably tired and me crying is the last thing you need right now," Bucky said looking down.

You put your hand under his chin to get him to look at you.

"I told you it's ok. The last thing you need to do is worry about me."

Bucky lifted you up and walked intp your shared bedroom. He placed you gently onto the bed and went into the closet to get a pair of boxers and a worn t-shirt . He knew how much you love wearing his clothes to bed.

You got changed and joined Bucky under the covers of your bed. You laid down with your arm out so Bucky could lay with his head on your breast.

"I thought you were gonna be a couple more days."

"Me to, but we got things done quickly. I'm sorry for not telling you, I just wanted it to be a surprise."

"it's thd best surprise I could ask for doll," Bucky looked up at you "when did you shower because you don't look like you've just come off a mission."

"I used one of the showers in the compound so I would be ready to go to bed as soon as I got here," you explained.

"I love you doll, so much, more than I could ever tell or show you," Bucky said, looking at you.

He leaned up to press a chased kiss to your lips.

"The same goes for you baby, I love you so much and I want you to know that you're never alone. I'm always a phone call away and if not I can promise you that I'll call you back as soon as I can."

"You're my world doll," Bucky mumbled with a smile in his face.

His eyes were getting heavy and he was welcoming the sleep which was something he hadn't done in a month. He knew that whenever you were there he was never alone and safe from the nightmares.

With that, he fell asleep, forgetting the coffee he was making himself in a pointless attempt to keep him from sleeping. Only thinking about how happy he was to have you home.

If you want to be tagged whenever I post a fic click on the link

If you want to see the things that I repost then you can follow my other account @sebastianstanisahotmf-reblogs

Taglist: @nicoline1998enilocin, @buckys-wintersoldier

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV Musings: Loustat, Loumand, and the BITE Model

In my response to Mdeitrick13/ravenundergrove's BS about Armand being the victim of pimp!Louis "gross" abuse (which they've since expanded on here), I stressed that Armand (whom I compared to Charles Manson) was a gang AND cult leader who had far more control over not just Louis & Claudia, but the entire coven and Lestat, than he ever let on or wanted anyone (including himself) to believe.

But it wasn't until one of my moots reblogged this post breaking down the BITE Model of abuse in IRL cults & relationships that I realized just how close I was. For the most part, the BITE Model (pun not intended) fits the treatment LOUIS (& Claudia) received from Armand & Lestat, NOT the other way around--imagine that! 🤯 But "Louis isn't the victim~!" they say. 🙄😒

Cuz like I've said b4 here, AMC's IWTV is a warning/cautionary tale about the dangers of power imbalances and toxic relationship dynamics--as well as the very human failings within abusers and victims--that perpetuate cycles of abuse, even against those we genuinely love but still mistreat.

Behavior Control

1) Regulate individual’s physical reality

Physical conversion into a vampire & religious conversion into a cult's been analyzed as far back as Buffy the Vampire Slayer; it's old hat.

2) Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates | 15) Threaten harm to family and friends | 23) Separation of Families

Miss Lily & Claudia are the most obvious casualities. Paul is far more complex, for reasons discussed at length here (less so here).

Regardless of whether Les was right/wrong or had a point about Lou being a danger to the DPDLs, he still pressured Lou to distance himself from his family, which only further contributed to Lou's imminent depression & desperation to have a baby of his own.

"You have to stop seeing them, Louis. They'll grow fearful of you if they haven't already. It's a rite of passage for all of us. If you love your family, as I know you do, spare them all the pain that you are causing them."

(But tbf AMC also created a ton of plotholes & contradictions just to make the setup work--I've ranted 100x about these daywalking vampires breaking lore/logic; and plenty of fans pointed out that the homophobic DPDLs did EFF ALL to keep themselves in Lou's life, either--"It's a half-mile both ways, Mama.")

These points are much stronger once CLAUDIA enters the mix. 1x6 very explicitly showed that Les wasn't above using his fledglings as collateral against e/o to keep them in line--his diabolical monologue was as much a warning for Claudia as it was for Lou. It had eff all to do with WW2 starting & being unsafe for Claudia to travel; he let them BOTH know that HE was the only one who "decided the better" when/where either of his fledglings got to leave 1132 or not.

With Loumand it's messier. Loumand's transactional relationship hinged esp. on Claudia's safety from the rest of the coven. Armand promised Lou to keep them & their Secret(TM) safe; then reneged on the deal when Lou made Madeleine (the last straw). Even though Claudeleine had already left Paris, you never "leave" a cult--the coven was still making the Trial, and Armand helped arrange their ambush to see to it that they were all dead & gone--Lou included. Nasty work.

3) When, how and with whom the member has sex

Lou admitted in 1x3 and Les confirmed in 2x7 that the whole reason Les cheated was cuz Louis was too starved/depressed to have sex anymore. Like I said here, Lou being sexless was a crime deserving of the death penalty during the Trial. 🙄😒

4) Control types of clothing and hairstyles

According to Carol Cutshall, Lou prioritized wanting to "pare down" to the barest essentials of himself in Dubai--no frivolity or distractions. So this isn't Armand controlling Lou, so much as enabling Lou's self-destructive/self-mortification/self-penance. AMC having Lou reintroduce color & warmth into the Dubai penthouse AND his wardrobe is him reclaiming the lost pieces of himself in the wake of his odyssey of recollection--but it's also a cleanse after having rid himself of Armand's toxic presence.

5) Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger and/or fasting

Lestat & Armand are polar opposites. Les enforced Lou's human blood diet; Armand enabled Lou's human food diet. Neither the meals nor the methods were good for his mental health, and neither husband properly took care of Lou; whose mental illness manifested as eating disorders: anorexia (NOLA) & pica (Dubai--I suspect the pica was paired with bulimia, going by other vamp lore where they can't digest human food & it makes vamps violently sick afterwards).

6) Manipulation and deprivation of sleep

7) Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence

Lou seems to have been more financially dependent on Les post-Storyville, and we know Les bought Claudia's clothes & used his Parisian funds via Roget in 1x7. But we also know Les left money for Lou & gave him the deed to 1132 (which still cracks me up), so I don't think this counts as exploitation/manipulation. As for Dubai, Lou is obvs independently wealthy from Armand (the Black Amex is in Lou's name), and Lou kicked Armand out the penthouse so I assume ya boi's got ALL the deeds, bless~!

8) Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time

Everyone knew what those effing floating bookcases in the Dubai penthouse signified, yet some stans insist that Armand was the one being controlled & abused by Louis--sure, Jan. Here Lestat & Armand are polar opposites again, where Lestat enabled Louis' book reading, while Armand enforced exactly how much access Lou had to not only his recreational books, but Claudia's diaries too.

9) Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet | 10) Permission required for major decisions | 12) Discourage individualism, encourage group-think | 13) Impose rigid rules and regulations | 18) Instill dependency and obedience

Lou said in 1x2 that the way Les treated him as a fledgling made Lou feel like he was Les' slave. And Claudia repeated the exact same word to him verbatim in 1x6 about "Massa Lestat." Morons in this fandom love insisting that this show has nothing to do with race, and I just.... 🙄😒 Meanwhile, Maitre's coven followed the draconian medieval AF Great Laws, that dictated everything vamps did. Loumand's "romantic" courtship was inextricably linked with Armand's explicit attempts to recruit Lou to join his coven/cult, and Lou clocked him!

11) Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative | 17) Encourage and engage in corporal punishment | 19) Kidnapping | 20) Beating | 21) Torture | 24) Imprisonment | 25) Murder

1x5 and 2x7 in a nutshell. Lestans & Armstans can invoke Santiago/Armand and minimize & misdirect & manipulate as much as they want, but LOUIS was the one dragged by his effing neck into the courtyard where Lestat flew him 2km (=1.24 miles =2187.2 yards =6561.6 feet) into the effing ether and DROPPED him like an egg from an airplane, breaking every bone in his effing body, just cuz Lou tried to protect his daughter from Les chokeslamming her. 🤡 LOUIS was the one Armand kissed at that table like the Judas he is before letting the coven ambush him & drag him out of the cafe in a burlap sack to be beat unconscious as his daughter was eaten alive by rats and their ankles were slashed to the bones like runaway slaves while they were put on Trial by a kangaroo court rigged to have them both LYNCHED & BURNED. 🤡

14) Punish disobedience by beating, torture, burning, cutting, rape, or tattooing/branding | 16) Force individual to rape or be raped | Rape

The fandom is very split wrt consent & operating under duress, both for Loustat in S1 and Loumand in S2. It's been well argued that Lou wasn't able to give Les full consent in 1x1 cuz he didn't know the ramifications of vampirism, and in 1x6 cuz he was disassociating after having suffered IPV & PTSD. (Like I said: CLAUDIA thought Lou was being raped by Les, and that's what mattered most.) And it's been well argued that Lou wasn't able to give Armand full consent in 2x3 cuz he was bargaining sex in return for his & his daughter's safety around Armand's coven/cult/gang. Extremely messy, YMMV.

Information Control

1) Deception | 2) Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information | 3) Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines

I have entire metas breaking down Lestat's withholding, and his disrespectful condescension & weaponization of Louis & Claudia's attempts to seek information through books (x x x). Fits to a T.

4) Encourage spying on other members

a. Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member b. Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group

Armand & the coven stalking/spying on Lou & Claudia for 5 months.

The most sympathetic words I've EVER uttered about Antoinette:

5) Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including:

a. Newsletters, magazines, journals, audiotapes, videotapes, YouTube, movies and other media b. Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources

Lestat & Armand weaponizing the Great Laws against Lou & Claudia (x x).

6) Unethical use of confession

a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution c. Manipulation of memory, possible false memories

Lestat & Armand decontextualizing & weaponizing Lou & Claudia's history in NOLA and twisting/silencing their words against them in 2x7; all to make them look as awful as possible, and guilty of everything the coven (Santiago & Armand) accused them of--punishable by death.

Thought Control

1) Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth | 4) Encourage only ‘good and proper’ thoughts | 8) Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism 9) Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed 10) Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful 11) Instill new “map of reality”

a. Adopting the group’s ‘map of reality’ as reality b. Instill black and white thinking c. Decide between good vs. evil d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)

God Complex Lestat in 1x2 in a nutshell:

"The architects of our creation mean to humble us. We're at the mercy of the other's discretion. Just like the meat. You're not one of them anymore, fledgling. You chase after phantoms of your former self. I'll break you of it!" "If you'd listen to me, if you finally submit to your nature, you will be filled, Louis, with all the life you can hold. You will see death in all its beauty, life as it is only known at the very point of the death. You alone, of all creatures, can see death with that impunity. You alone, under the rising moon, can strike like the hand of God!"

Loumand's convo in 2x3 flips BITE, where Louis tries to insist that he's evil because what he/vampires do IS evil, by killing innocent people. Armand rejects this & starts making excuses for why good & evil are social constructs that don't exist; no different from Lestat:

LOUIS: I'm evil, evil as any vampire who ever lived. I've killed over and over and I will do it again. ARMAND: Why does that make you as evil as any vampire? Aren't there gradations to evil? Is evil a great perilous gulf one falls into with the first sin? LOUIS: I mean, kinda?! ARMAND: scoffs LOUIS (stammers): It's not as logical as you're saying! But, it's dark and it's empty, and I can't see the bottom of it! ARMAND: But if evil is without gradation and it does exist, this state of evil then, only one sin is needed. That's your argument. SARTRE: Evil is the product of the ability of humans to make abstract what is concrete.... Now, will you two kindly shut up, so I can hear the music, hmm? ARMAND (telepathically): Your argument assumes God exists. LOUIS (telepathically): I don't know that God exists. From what I saw in the war, He doesn't. ARMAND (telepathically): Then surely, there are degrees and variations to goodness? The goodness of the child which is innocence. The goodness of the nun who lives a life of self-deprivation and service. The goodness of the saints, the goodness of the midwives. And how is this evil achieved? How does one fall from grace?

2) Change person’s name and identity | 3) Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words

My whole series of posts about AMC's "Matador" = "Killer"

5) Hypnotic techniques are used to alter mental states, undermine critical thinking and even to age regress the member | 6) Memories are manipulated and false memories are created | 7) Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only positive thoughts:

a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking b. Chanting c. Meditating d. Praying e. Speaking in tongues f. Singing or humming

Mr. The Pain Of It Has Left You, Mr. It's A Forgery; Mr. I Preserve Your Happiness Even When You Don't Or Can't; Mr. Lestat-Shaped Effigy.

Emotion Control

1) Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings – some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish | 3) Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault

2) Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt

And ofc there's Mr. The Pain Of It Has Left You, Mr. It's A Forgery; Mr. I Preserve Your Happiness Even When You Don't Or Can't; Mr. Lestat-Shaped Effigy; Mr. Louis Can Sometimes Act Out.

4) Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as:

a. Identity guilt b. You are not living up to your potential c. Your family is deficient d. Your past is suspect e. Your affiliations are unwise f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish g. Social guilt h. Historical guilt

5) Instill fear | 8) Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority

a. Thinking independently | No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group b. The outside world | Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc. c. Enemies | Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends and family d. Losing one’s salvation | Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll e. Leaving or being shunned by the group | Threats of harm to ex-member and family f. Other’s disapproval

6) Extremes of emotional highs and lows – love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner | 7) Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins

I've literally had Lestans arguing with me while not knowing what lovebombing is, even when their god Sam Reid explained it in 1x6. 🤦

TL;DR:

[traceytries]

I don't know what made you think that everybody in fandom has to worship you now. You used to be someone I look up to but meanwhile it's only annoying to watch you whoring for attention and literally making everything about you and only you. Yes, your INAP fic was successful. Many people used to love it, me included. But the last 2 chapters were so bad, the quality deteriorated drastically. Same with your new fics. A mere one shot posted in 5 million tiny parts? PLEASE! You wonder why nobody really gives a shit about those fics? Well, it's because the writing just ain't it. You think you can just write anything, just sneeze onto the paper, and people will worship you. You think you deserve praise and admiration for works that most people think just suck because they are neither well written nor well thought-out with all those plot holes and things that don't make sense. You ask for people's opinion on something, making polls, only to do what you prefer yourself anyway. What's the point of asking then? You ask people for recommendations but if they don't say that your stuff is the best, you ignore it. You go on other people's posts only to make things about yourself. You CONSTANTLY ask for feedback, begging for comments on your fanfics, yet you don't even reply to them. You are not the least bit thankful. You are just a huge bitch who craves attention and it's high time you need to learn how to humble yourself. Go outside and touch some grass. You take a shit in the toilet just like the rest of us. But you act like you're a celebrity, saying you will answer the comments on the last chapter as if that's such a generous graceful thing for you to do. FUCK OFF! Other authors are always happy to engage with their readers and fans, yet you act like some queen who's above us peasants and sooo much better than everyone else. You constantly yap and bitch about not receiving as much attention as you think you deserve, yet you never even support other writers. Never leaving comments yourself, hardly reblogging anything - no. This is a one-woman show. The Tracey-show. Where everything else is insignificant. And then you have your 3 clowns who always come to your aid when you cry about lack of attention again, spouting ridiculous nonsense like 'you hold the fandom together' while there are literally hundreds of others, posting fanarts and fanfics daily. What a joke. You and your 3 devoted cult-followers insult the whole fandom by acting like you are the only one contributing. And then you have the audacity to post these fake anon-asks, just as a way to get attention from your followers again, hoping to gain pity and that everyone will tell you how amazing you are. Well, here is a real one. I wonder if you dare to post it. But you probably will, since this will be the perfect chance for you to play the victim-card again.

What the fuck man. This is the meanest message I have ever received, are you the same anon as before? I don't know what to say to this, you obviously have been wanting to say this to me for some time. I'm sorry if maybe I've hurt you somehow?

I'll try to get through everything.

Yes, you're right, I guess I am a bit shameless in promoting my work. But I think I yap about my fics as much as the next writer. I'm proud of what I've made/am making and I want to talk about it. I sometimes tag #tianshan when talking about my fics, but oftentimes it's just #inap or #ddd because I don't want to bombard the tianshan tag with my silly posts.

And what sucks is what you're seeing as attention-seeking is half true (everyone makes posts to get attention, that's neutral fact), the other part of it is: I'm trying to make a connection. The way I wish someone would just DM me and talk to me directly about tianshan, or the latest ox chapters or hell, my fics - that would make me so happy!! Not many people do, and so I continue making posts about tianshan, making polls, asking for engagement from the fandom because bruh I've been into tianshan for practically a decade - I want to talk about them!

That bit about replying to every comment on the last chapter of inap is a weird thing to criticise. Over the years, I've struggled with replying to comments, and though I know it's not a requirement to do so, I've always felt bad about that. But by leaving that end note, I was holding myself accountable, making sure that I appreciate everyone who got to the end of my fic and left a lovely message for me. That's all man. There wasn't some superior mindset behind it. Someone leaves a message, I'm going to say thank you!

I answered that previous anon message because I know it's true, I'm not a good writer. I get stuck describing scenes very literally, I'm not good at metaphors or romantic wording, and I use italized words as a crutch to illustrate internal thoughts. When I was replying to the anon I was agreeing with them, to like idk, take the wind out of their sails?

I suppose I should've just deleted the message but idk, I didn't think much of it. And just so you realise, I didn't tag anything in that other message, so the only people that should see it are people that follow me? Unless Tumblr put it in like your For You tab or something? That'd suck, I hope Tumblr doesn't do that.

Also I do comment on fics wtf? When I love a fic, I make sure to leave comments. Especially because I know how good they feel to receive them. And I do reblog and promote other people's fics and fanart too! Go back to my teanshan blog and search the #fanart #fanfic #fic #toread tags! Also do you guys remember when I literally commissioned powerandpathos a few times?? They're the best! And everyone knows it!

I have never said I'm 'holding the fandom together', and I don't think anyone has ever told me that either. I just post about tianshan dude.

With your last lines of your message, you're putting me in a shitty position. Either I don't post this and you're leaving me to feel shitty by myself. Or I post it to respond to your accusations and you make me feel like I'm only doing it for attention! Well, I think this message is really fucking shitty and I need to tell you that this sucks. I hope you work on yourself in 2025.

I've turned off 'reblog control' so no one can reblog and defend me. I'm not sure about replies tho. I'll just say no one has to reply to this either. I don't need defending. I'm going to ignore future anon hate. and I'm going to carry on making posts about tianshan, talking about my fics, self-reblogging my work, and engaging in the fandom as I normally fucking do.

[okifyouinsist]

tagged by @killerandhealerqueen (i just keep forgetting abt this one SIGH but i have free time rn and im committed)

1. why did you choose your url?

growing up, i just wasn't a social media girl purely bc of the fact that my parents were super strict and I assumed they wouldn't allow me to have it and I just never really saw the appeal anyways. Then later a few friends basically forced me to make my first account and because i wasn't very creative and thought i was the funniest bitch ever i made my first user 'ifyouinsist' and it just kinda stuck ig

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

nope. i fear if i had a sideblog id end up neglecting it and forget abt it or make it my new main blog and neglect this blog and this blog is literally my baby

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

well i've had an account since like end of 2019, beginning of 2020???? (im pretty sure) i didnt like use my account tho i just had it to look at other ppls blogs not my own, i only acc recently made up my blog up properly and started posting this year when it was like 2 am and i was on holiday to visit my home country and my mum and my aunts were gossiping and i was like whatever who tf cares how late i am to a fandom and the rest was history

4. do you have a queue tag?

nope, my drafts are a terrifying place and if they ever saw light id die

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

to reblog pretty art and to compliment writers on ao3 AND on tumblr bc they deserve everything and more

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

logan sargeant. need i say any more???? hes my bsf in spirit

7. why did you choose your header?

loscar. LOSCAR. loscar. i am very much totally normal abt them i swear (lying through my teeth rn). they're just my everything unfortunately and sometimes i like to say the fist bump is their version of intertwining their fingers together

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

ik this bc it was the first i myself made and it was abt loscar obviously and i thought i was SO funny (im not) and its lowk still such a flop post but its MY flop post so here it is :)

9. how many mutuals do you have?

idk man im shy (scared of rejection) so i dont have a lot, like genuinely let me go see acc, oh ig its me and my 14 moots against the world i love you guys fr

10. how many followers do you have?

BYE my 26 followers are my 4 lifers fr (im such a flop this is hilarious)

11. how many people do you follow?

37 (sigh need to follow more ppl RN)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

im gonna be so real idk what defines as a shit post but most probably yeah

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

idk im acc really inconsistent like ill be MIA for 2 whole days and the next week ill be on tumblr like for most of my day when i can its very confusing like today ive not been on it a lot im academically locking in and all that

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

ummm no. like. if i see someone i follow getting hate ill send them a supportive ask and then at the end of it be like anon ur such a loser get a life but other than that. nope.

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

im very much neutral abt them, like idc if i need to reblog it yk if i want to i will if i dont then i wont

16. do you like tag games?

YES (said in a very normal voice)

17. do you like ask games

YES. i love getting asks id cry if someone sent an ask (i have one rotting away from a moot rn i WILL answer it i swear)

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

can i say all my moots. i wanna say all my moots they're all famous in my eyes guys, i start tagging its gonna end with all my moots being tagged but like @killerandhealerqueen and @dwarvenchords were the first 2 ppl to come to my mind theyre both just the coolest fr

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah. i have FRIEND crushes on literally all of them tho. wanna be their friends SO bad

20. what is the last song you listened to?

Mamichula- Bizarrap

21. what are you currently watching?

in my docuseries era rn watching breakpoint (STILL)(i only have time on the weekends rn SIGH)

22. sweet/ savoury/ spicy?

sweet. im such a 'lets skip the dinner and just get dessert' kinda girl

23. what is your current relationship status?

this is SUCH a complicated question to answer but heavily leaning more towards single

24. what is your current obsession?

sports. like just sports in general. like ive always been a casual fan of sports but i never used to take a deep dive into it but this year i decided to dive, and i dived VERY deep, so like motorsports, tennis, football, cricket, trying to get into hocky rn im collecting them atp. also. documentaries. like when i get time ill be binge watching like 5 documentaries i just love them sm

25. what are nine albums/ songs you've been listening to lately?

wish i could tell you fr, i mean, rn im re listening to SOUR by Olivia Rodriguez AGAIN bc thats the way my life is going SIGH, Olivia is my favourite basic artist fr, nothing compares to listening to SOUR for the first time in 2021

ANYWAYS, thanks again for the tag i really appreciate it, im gonna tag @ezisregrettinglifedecisions @fabeong @whatssthepooiintt

[flamerunn3r]

Sorry this is unfinished but I need to post these now just bc idfk when i'm gonna actually finish the rest realistically. Idk it will happen eventually. For now heres the great p5u ramblings post detailing my thoughts designs

This is my own personal interpretations but is also somewhat speculative in nature. I'm mostly trying to deal in already established characterizations and epilogue set ups but there might be stuff I've missed or forgotten (i also haven't played dancing yet sorry if there's something in there I hadn't accounted for). This is kind of like if I took the creative reigns on the story where I'd continue for it. Only the investigation team for now (and 2 boss characters I have an idea for) but maybe I'll do the shadow ops at some point. Only 4 characters for now but I'll reblog with additions when I finish the rest or if I edit any of these

Yu Narukami

He's currently attending school as a journalism student in the city or just starting out as one. Enthusiastic about his field but still tries to find the time to keep up with his friends and visit Inaba on his holidays. I felt journalism made alot of sense for him with the themes of persona 4. I liked the sport jacket and turtleneck but wanted soemthing different so the scarf was chosen to keep the same kind of silhouette. I made the collar on the winter coat large and I feel like Narukami's large uniform collar is a key part of his design. and I wanted to call back to that in his casual outfit. The summer outfit I mostly kept close to his summer outfit from p4. I'm kind of unsure on it though I might come back to it. I mostly wanted to keep his outfits smart and simple. For his meta verse outfit I really wanted to go all out with the bancho (kingpin) stuff and other delinquent tropes. I lengthened the uniform coat a little because I wanted it to look like a tokko-fuku. Alot of smaller detail inspiration was taken from Izanagi. The lenses in the mask are supposed to mimic glasses. I'd imagine he'd take off the mask the same way he throws off his glasses in myriad truths.

Teddie

I can't imagine him leaving Inaba and the TV world behind. Still staying in town and working largely the same job. He's got his own place now albeit small (still a step up from the closet though). At some point the IT asked Mitsuru to pull some strings so he actually has a legal personhood now. The animal hoodie is something that came to me spontaneously but I knew I needed to include it. I really that his normal outfit in 4 keeps the white and red of the bear costume in the outfit so I tried to keep the colour scheme here too. Most of his later outfits are less flashy and more casual so I tried to continue that trend. I didn't want to lose the rose from the corsage completely so I included a rose pattern in the second shirt. Alot of his outfits feature light blue so I wanted that in at least one outfit. I considered making the hoodie light blue initially. I don't think he'd have a metaverse outfit he'd just use the bear costume.

Naoto Shirogane

I'm under the assumption Naoto is still presenting masculinely to the general public as of p5 but I may be mistaken in this. If I'm wrong I'd still probably largely keep the outfits similar to this. Naoto's still working as a detective and I don't think that's ever really going to change. One thing that a hypothetical p5u would have to address is what Naoto and the shadow ops would have been doing during the events of persona 5 and I unfortunately do not have any ideas for what that would be at the moment.

I feel alot of the appeal of Naoto's design is the kind of boy detective fashion. I went at this design with the intention of kind of refining that into something a little more adult while still keeping in a similar vein. I did have to ditch the pageboy hat unfortunately as I felt it made them look too young. These outfits were kind of design as pseudo work clothes which is why I tried to make them a bit more formal then the other characters. Something I consider notable about Naoto's design but deliberately avoided here was the rolled up pant legs. It's very obvious in 4 it's done because Naoto is short but I feel like Naoto would start getting that either custom made or tailored to fit. I was initially going to forgo the blazer on the summer outfit but the design felt empty without it. Naoto having a noir detective themed metaverse outfit is an idea I'd had for years but I tried to incorporate design elements that were princely. I alot of the inspiration was from Sam Spade specifically. Deliberately made similarities to Akechi's white crow design. The band around the hat is supposed to invoke the similar one on the old page boy hat.

Yukiko Amagi

Still working at her families in but is taking online courses during the off seasons. She's mostly happy where she is but is keeping her options open. Occasionally makes visits to other ryokans out of town for ideas for her families own inn, as well as an opportunity to for her to sight see.

The headband was included in her design in p4 as a like retro design thing but I find it too important of a marker of her design to remove it. I understand the why they went with the hairstyle they did for her golden epilogue but I feel it just ends up making her look way older then she is. I thought her having her hair up would be a nice change since she does it so rarely and settled on a ponytail. Tried changing the bangs but the ones she already had just felt right. I wanted her clothes to carry this kind of air of sophistication so I tried to keep them relatively simple and sleek. She's wearing pants in the winter outfit but I chose the longer coat to keep a similar skirt silhouette. The choker was largely inspired by the scarf she has in her winter outfit. Despite being a different colour the cardigan was also chosen to tie back somewhat to the sweater she wears with her school uniform.

In some side material it's mentioned that Yukiko has an interest in western fashion and aesthetics (part of what made the castle manifest the way it did) and I wanted to lean on that in some way for her metaverse design. I ended up going with a masquerade ball theme. I tried to keep the dress to something simple and easy to move in. The gloves and boots take inspiration from her persona in terms of design and size. I wanted to incorporate elements from her work kimono as well hence the ribbon around the torso and flower patterning. Probably the most unsure of this one of the metaverse designs so far. Especially the colours (considered making the reds pinks initially). Might revisit this one.

Ok that's all I have for now I'll probably do Rise's next 👍👍👍

[simplysedusa]

In Defense of Elmer

Le sigh.

I didn't want to make a separate post to this, but my response was too long to reblog it with the original post. This post is a response to the "I Hate Elmer" post made by @puffskeeter , linked here.

This isn't a post made to attack OP,  to cancel them, and/or to call them out. I'm not even asking OP to delete it. This is just me critiquing their post and the problems I have with it.

So I'll start by saying, I completely disagree with a majority of it. Originally, I was not gonna say anything and just go on about my merry way, but this post is just completely unfair and it leaves nasty implications that I feel need to be addressed.

"Yeah i really hate this kid ngl... I despise that his only real personality traits are being autistic coded and eating glue."

1. Does anyone know why kids eat glue? Or more specifically, why Elmer eats glue? FUN FACT: kids usually don't eat glue because they can. He could've been curious, he could be addicted to it, he could see eating glue as a way to rebel or seek attention, he could have other issues like pica. While I don't condone eating glue, there are plenty of reasons why kids could potentially eat glue. Any one of these reasons could be used to build off of Elmer's character. It's a weird talking point, I know, but it's a place to start.

2. What gives off the impression that Elmer is "autistic coded"? What traits have Elmer shown the audience to hint that he could be portrayed as someone with autism? He doesn't seem to struggle with social cues. He has no problem maintaining eye contact. We don't see him struggle to understand emotions. We don't ever see him get over-stimulated over "mundane things". And he doesn't seem to have any special interests. I understand that autism is a spectrum and not a "one size fits all", but the only traits I could maybe see Elmer having to be considered autistic would be his trouble communicating/shyness and his weird eating habits. But the reason he's quiet and shy and hesitant to speak in "Paste Makes Waste" isn't because he's autistic; it's because he's being BULLIED. He's trying not to be perceived by Mitch and the rest of the class, and because he's being bullied, he's struggling with self-esteem. The fact that he eats glue in ONE EPISODE, as I've stated previously, could be for a number of reasons other than autism. There's nothing wrong with headcanoning that Elmer is autistic, but the only reason OP seems to think Elmer is autistic coded is because he's "weird" and "alone". And that's not okay.

3. The episode, "Paste Makes Waste" is around 15-20 minutes long, there's only so much they could do with Elmer to make some random kid "the one-off villain of the day" and have it make sense.

"... But its also just a complete rewrite of his character while keeping his design similar. IDK i just think it would serve a better purpose if ppl used a different character as the "Nerdy friend" instead of Elmer because of how badly "Paste makes Waste" handled his character.

4. You stated earlier that you despised Elmer because he had no personality. But here, you're stating that you don't like when the small handful writers (because let's be honest, not many people tend to include Elmer in their fics to begin with) try to make him more than the paste eater from kindergarten. See how hypocritical that sounds? He was five years old, is anyone the same person they were when they were five? Would it be more realistic if he just sat around eating glue for the entirety of the fic so he'd "stay in character"? Should Mitch continue torturing small animals for the hell of it? Should the Powerpuff Girls only wear their signature colors and similar dresses for the rest of their lives? Is no one allowed to change who they are and grow as a person? There is a discussion to be had about writing characters OOC, but the post said earlier that Elmer had no personality to begin with, so how could he be OOC if he isn't much of a character to begin with?

5. Why police how people write certain characters? Am I saying Elmer was the best written character in the entire franchise? Of course not. But that doesn't mean people can't try to write fresh interpretations of him, or attempt to fix him if someone has the same problems with Elmer's character like this post does.

"... But i hate Elmer's episode because "imaginary Fiend" (the Episode about Mike Believe) has the exact same message with a similar character idea (Autistic coded and socially awkward/ excluded) but actually manages to NOT present mike as dangerous or disgusting like "Paste makes Waste" does with Elmer."

6. To say that "Imaginary Fiend" and "Paste Makes Waste" have the exact same message is such a fallacy. And to compare Mike to Elmer in this manner is so unfair.

For starters, Mike was never bullied. Alienated, sure, but for a very different reason. Mike was the new kid, and he chose to isolate himself from the rest of the class. He was laughed at for "talking to himself" and having an "imaginary friend", yes, but being laughed at and bullied are not the same. There's no evidence to suggest that any of the students dislike Mike for any particular reason. In fact, on multiple occasions, Mike's peers have been portrayed to be open-minded and accepting of new students/people in their classroom  They welcomed the Powerpuff Girls in open arms in the movie, several students invited Princess Morbucks to play with them on multiple occasions in "Stuck Up, Up and Away" despite her snooty rejections, and they (with the exception of the Powerpuff Girls) didn't bat an eye at Mr. Green when he substituted for Ms. Keane in "Substitute Creature". Initially, Mike has no reason to resent his peers or hold any sort of grudge against them, he's just shy. Mike also doesn't have an antagonistic role (or an active role tbh) in his episode like Elmer does in his, so it's evident to see that Mike is potrayed in a much better light than Elmer was.

Once again, the term "autistic coded" is used to describe Elmer and now, Mike. And once again, the only real trait Mike has to suggest he might be autistic would be his trouble with communicating with others. Once again, just because someone has trouble communicating with others does not mean they are autistic. It's not uncommon for any five year old kid to be nervous in a new setting where they don't know anyone. And to suggest he has trouble communicating with others is a stretch in itself, he had no problems talking to Patches, or telling Ms. Keane who Patches was, and how Patches was disrupting the classroom and essentially framed by him.

The lessons learned at the end of Elmer's episode were that bullying is wrong, don't fall into peer pressure, and learn when to apologize. There isn't much of a lesson to Mike's episode.

Mike's episode looks better on paper, as well, but they do not have the same message. "Imaginary Fiends" is about a guy who's too shy to make friends, so he makes his own imaginary friend come to life, who causes trouble for his classmates. Meanwhile, "Paste Makes Waste" is about a boy who's being bullied, who mutates into a glue monster and uses his new found power to retaliate against the bullies and takes his anger out against other innocent bystanders. There is something to be said about Elmer's episode and the parallels you can draw about this episode and the current political climate in regards to school shootings. But to reiterate, Elmer is 5 or 6 years old at best. It's their first year of schooling ever, these kids are just learning how to read, write, and arithmetic. He doesn't know how to properly process his emotions, nor does he have the life experience needed to know how to handle being bullied for what likely is his first time. And Elmer's shown to be remorseful at the end of the fight and toward the end of the episode, to be quite honest, you could just chalk it up to a kindergarten having a temper tantrum.

Speaking of dangerous, no one saw Elmer as such until he attacked the students, which to be honest, is fair enough. He attached the twins to a plane mid-flight, stuck Mitch on the top of the school flagpole, and wrecked havoc all throughout Townsville. Once he calmed down from hearing Buttercup's apology, the threat was eliminated. If we were still supposed to see Elmer as dangerous afterwards, they wouldn't have bothered showing us a scene of a monstrous Elmer helping rebuild the city. Townsville has no qualms with arresting five year olds, if Elmer was as dangerous as you claim, he'd be behind bars.

And while eating glue is gross, it's rather tame compared to the other, more disgusting moments in the show. Buttercup doesn't bathe for days in "Down 'N Dirty", the Rowdyruff Boys were created in a prison toilet and used their Chemical X enhanced flatulence to knock out the girls in their debut episode, there's the nightmare fuel that is "Cootie Gras", Bubbles eats a roach in "Bubble Boy", and the army of roaches in "Insect Inside".

I could keep going, but I won't because this is long enough. In conclusion, this wasn't made to suddenly make anyone like Elmer. It's completely fine if people don't like him or anyone else (assuming it's not discriminatory), just be honest as to why. To claim that Elmer (and to a lesser extent, Mike) is "autistic coded" because he's ostracized and weird (and for you to say that you don't like him because you believe he is that way), is very harmful to people with autism. Had this post just been OP stating their opinions and beliefs as to why they don't like Elmer, I wouldn't have been bothered by it. But to attempt to hide personal, biased thoughts behind the notion that the show forces us to think of Elmer this way is deceitful. And to put Mike on a pedestal, who's objectively seen as a better character morally, just to shit on Elmer is cheap.

[suchalonelysunflower]

Happier Than Ever (Stay) (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Fem!Singer! Reader

Summary: Based on the songs Happier than Ever by Billie Eilish and Stay by Post Malone. pt 2 of YOYOK. You go back to L.A and old friends open old wounds

Warnings: ANGST. This is very, very based on my own experience so this is my therapy session with you guys, sorry. Mentions of abuse, death, melancholia, psychological abuse, sad times, curse words. And grammar errors (I didn't even check twice, I'm sorry)

Word Count: 8.7 k

Author's Note: Hey, I'm back because I've missed you and I needed to get this fit out of my chest and survive it. Please, if you like it reblog it and comment, I love to know your thoughts. SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS THAT WE'RE GETTING FEWER AND FEWER HERE. Thank you. Hope you like it and happy reading

YOYOK / Masterlist

“Hey,… I know it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I’ve heard the new album is coming along great, I’m so happy for you. You… You seem happy, or at least that’s what I can see on social media. I just- I heard you were coming back home- I mean, L.A for some time and well, I was wondering if we could catch up? If you don’t have a place to stay maybe you could crash into mine, like the old times. But you probably already… Anyhow, just call me or text me if you want to. I would really love to-”

When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever Wish I could explain it better I wish it wasn't true

You love the feeling of being above the clouds. So close to the sky that you marveled on the technological advances that allowed you to feel free.

“Mom, look!” You thought “I’m in the clouds, so high above. Is this the feeling you were always dreaming about?”

A pang of nostalgia stabbed your heart, wishing your mom could be there with you experiencing all of this. But she was back at home, safe and sound on the surface. You knew it was for the best, that you could miss her a little bit more before your heart begged you to go and visit, even when your mind knew better than to believe those rose colored glasses of memory.

Was it the feeling of familiarity that made you feel safe even when it hurt? Maybe. Still, you wish you could’ve shown the world to her, give her everything on a silver platter and say “Mom, I did it. I can take care of you now”

What would she say?

You know she’s proud and she’s thankful for everything you’ve done for her. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough. Her eyes just won’t shine the same way; her smile would change; and the hug won’t ever feel as comforting as you’d expected. Your heart would tell you that she loves you, but your mind would always go back to those moments where you doubted it could ever be unconditional. So you’ve learned to miss her a little bit longer each time. Longer until you learn to miss her for the rest of your life.

It was not a foreign feeling, but it was one that you learned to feel and apply to your life. With time you’ve known the patterns, you’ve learned to grow and let go because that’s not the energy you need to spend even a bit of your mind over. You could miss the happy moments but know that they don’t fit anywhere with the person you want to be most. For your own good, you needed to learn how to let go.

The path was not easy - having to teach your heart not to bleed itself dry for the memory of past times. All the tears and the hurt, it was all part of healing what other people broke. So, the beauty of the cracks made you see just how worthy you are. Even if sometimes the water leaks and your mind starts a whirlwind of doubt, you would never come back to the person you used to be when the people that you loved most didn’t love you as you deserved.

Since then, you found yourself thriving. Not only in your career as a musician, with your lyrics that resonated with a lot of people and even made you gain a considerable number of new fans; but, also with yourself. You started loving more freely, more authentically. you saw yourself in a better light and wished people from your past could see just how much better you are without them. Not to be mean or to gloat, but for them to know that you didn’t cave, that life was meant to be lived and you will be doing just that even if they’re not part of it anymore. You wanted them to be happy for you, just as happy as you are for them.

Still, it scared you to go back to L.A, a place that has seen you at your worst and was the cause of your declining mental health. Even if it was for a short period of time, you knew you couldn’t stay there. Your place, the place that you belong was somewhere across the sea; far from anything and anyone that could make you feel like you once did. Like you didn’t matter.

Yet, no process of healing is ever complete until the cycle of hurt is broken. There were some things in your chest that begged for you to say them. Now it was time to let them out. And, if you were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity tied itself to that feeling. There were just too many unanswered questions still left hanging in thin air. The problem was that you didn’t know if you’d like the answers.

“Hey, Y/N” Your agent called your attention as she sat next to you “I need to confirm the last dates for your airbnb, are you sure you want to shorten your stay?”

You smiled softly at her “Yeah, I will be staying with some friends after”

“Okay, but are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. There’s a lot of things we need to catch up”

Every time we make-up, the truth is fading' Everybody's blind when the view's amazing'

It was weird to feel foreign in a place that helped shape you into the person you are now. But, then again, L.A never felt like home. Australia didn’t either, even though that’s what you’ve been saying in all the interviews when they asked what’d you miss more from home. “My family, the sweets, my friends, the sun…” But the sun did shine in other places; your family, you realized, never made any difference; the sweets could be ordered online; and your friends… Your friends changed. In the end, home never felt like home because you could create it everywhere you’d go.

There just places you’ve been. Home is something else, something you haven’t found yet.

Still, if you had to admit something is that the sun in L.A shines differently than in other places. It always seemed like you were entering a strange dimension, always playing “Something about the sunshine” on loop inside your mind.

You’ve been there a month and so. Enough time to have meetings and writing retreats that lasted a weekend. You’ve been to social required events, just as you do every couple of months to show your agency that you do know just how lucky you are. You’ve been to concerts, gave concerts, left concerts early to go and drink some wine curled up with a book in your bathtub in the hotel room. A small holiday mixed with a little bit of work, you’d say.

But you were leaving in a week, and there are still some things left on the schedule.

You sighed as you grabbed your bag from the sidewalk. The driver was kind enough to offer his assistance, but you would much rather face this by yourself first. During the drive you’ve imagined what it would feel like. Seeing him again. You wondered if your heart was beating faster than usual because of excitement or anxiety. In all honesty you didn’t know what to expect or even if you should be expecting something out of this experience.

Yet, you made up your mind to try and heal this. Get the answers that you longed for and be able to move on completely free. So, once the car drove away, you walked up to the door you’ve only seen in pictures before, and rang the bell.

For a moment you wondered if he remembered. Hoping that, in the end, his proposal of having you as his guest wasn’t just a passing comment he made. After all, you didn’t know when you’ll be back in the city or if your schedule would ever be as free in L.A as it is now. And even if he forgot and didn’t expect you, well, you can’t say you’d be surprised. Thank goodness for back-up plans.

“Coming!” You heard moments before the door opened, barely giving you time to prepare.

There he was. His hair was longer, somewhat a few tones lighter than the last time you saw him. His eyes took a couple of blinks to recognize you, changing the gleam in that hazel color you used to share so many secrets with. He smiled at you, the ghost of a laugh hidden in the dimples you used to poke at lunchtime, claiming that it wasn’t fair that he got to be the pretty one of the two of you. And for a moment, the man standing in front of you was the same kid you met all those years back, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey!” Ashton sang with a laugh, stepping closer into your space and hugging you with one arm as the other took your bag out of your hands “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long”

“Yeah,” You softly said, pulling back just enough to analyze his face “Thanks for the invite, Ash”

“Of course! I know you’re not a big fan of hotels anyway and, you know, it’s good to have you back. You’re always welcome to stay here when you’re in town”

He opened his arm toward the door and invited you in. You tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time you stepped foot into his house ever since he moved to L.A. He invited you before when you first moved, but schedules were complicated back then and after a while he stopped offering.

It was hard to think that once you used to live at his house back in Australia. Always trying to escape whatever nonsense was happening over at yours. At some point, you lost count how many times you ended up napping on his bed while he played some dumb internet game on his computer or watched a really dumb movie because “You don’t understand, Y/N, Seth Rogen is a genius” And you didn’t understand because even then you thought Seth Rogen was a creep, but it didn’t matter. You were in your safe space. You were with him. And he probably didn’t even know just how much that meant to you.

Now as you look around, you couldn’t help but search for that same feeling. A sign telling you it’ll be okay.

“Sorry, I know the living room is a little messy”

You turned to watch him look around the place with a slight blush on his cheeks. You smiled kindly at him.

“It’s okay, I’m not one to talk either” You turned back to the room “This place… suits you. It’s a lot like I imagined. Very artsy, very you”

He looked at you confused for a while “Yeah, I haven’t changed it much since -” He caught himself before he could continue and tried to cover his realization with a cough “No, yeah. Thanks! Come, your room is over here”

Once he settled your bag on the bed you went and sat next to it. Silence falling over the two of you as he stood awkwardly at the door.

“I hope everything is-”

“Everything is lovely, Ash” You smiled “Thank you”

He nodded and looked away. Hands hid inside of his pockets as he thought of the right thing to say. But nothing seemed to come to mind.

Suddenly, you felt out of place. Incredibly conscious that maybe you were an inconvenience now that you were there. Maybe, after all, he didn't want you there. You wanted to take this chance to meet him and talk, knowing you couldn’t just pretend that the years of separation and the strangeness you now felt toward each other didn’t exist. Yet, judging by his stand, there might not be a chance to bring those old moments back.

“So, how long are you staying in L.A for?” He asked. And he must’ve seen the way your face fell in disappointment for he quickly followed by saying “Not that I’m not happy that you’re here, of course, I invited you. Just wondering because that bag is just-”

“Oh. Yeah, no. My other bags are still at the hotel”

“The hotel?”

“Yeah, I just asked my team if I could leave them there since we leave in a week and I don’t need much to get by while I’m here and so…”

“Wait,” Ashton shook his head “You’ve been in L.A for a while now?”

“A month or so”

“And you didn’t tell me? Y/N, I offered you a place to stay for a reason”

You frowned “Ash, I did tell you. Last time we texted to see when I was arriving, I told you I was already here”

“No, you said-” He protested as he took out his phone and you watched him scroll down to your conversation. His words got caught up once he read those messages again “I- I though-”

“I have been incredibly busy these past few days, hence why I didn’t want to inconvenience you with my crazy schedule and all. This last week is all I have to relax and so I thought that we could catch up this week before I leave?”

“No, no, no yeah, you’re totally right.” He said, running a hand through his face, embarrassedly “I’m just an idiot”

You looked at him quizzically.

“Everything okay, Ash?”

“I thought we had more time, that’s all” He smiled softly at you “Anyway, ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?” You asked, a small smile forming in your face.

“Yeah! I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your new album!”

Ashton started to dance awkwardly, making you laugh as you shook your head at him.

“You really don’t have to do that, you know?”

“I want to!” He said “You’ll see, just be ready by seven”

He clapped his hands and left the room. A warm feeling spread through your chest on the fact that he wanted to celebrate you and your success. It finally felt like he cared, like he hasn’t forgotten about you. This really was a chance to put all bad things in the past and start anew.

Or at least, that’s what you hoped.

You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fucking friends

Fuck off and pour another drink And tell me what you think You know that I'm too drunk to talk right now

You knocked on his door at fifteen past seven. You decided to wear your favorite light blue top with black, wide leg pants and some low heels. You didn’t really know where he was supposed to take you or how you should dress, so you went with the most comfortable but chic thing you could find given that you didn’t plan to go out as much.

When Ashton opened his door you took a step back to look at him. He was wearing jeans and a wide, white shirt. You could feel your cheeks blush, and had to look down to hide it. It was an awful familiar feeling that you thought you could leave behind knowing that it was extremely pointless to feel the way you once did.

And just like all those years back, he didn’t notice. But for the first time you were glad he didn’t.

“Sorry I made you wait” He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.

“It’s okay,” You said, looking up with a shy smile.

Ashton walked past you to grab his keys, the path he created with his cologne left you dumbfounded for a minute. It was a different smell, one that you weren’t familiar with.

“Why do you have so many colognes?” You asked him once, walking over to his small desk while he wrote what was left of his assignment. Ashton looked up and chuckled when he saw you puffing them into the air to smell them and making faces at each one “They’re mostly presents from my family. I think my aunts were trying to tell me something last year”

“Well, at least they have good taste” You said, trying on the one that had a clear, almost orangy color bottle “Yeah, I’m taking this one home”

“No the hell you’re not!” He got up and took the bottle away from you, raising his arm over his head so that you couldn't catch it. It was his favorite pastime to remind you just how short you were back then “This is my favorite one!”

“You never use it!”

“I will!”

After a couple more tries to grab it from his hands you saw yourself surrender and falling onto his bed again “If you don’t wear it at least five times a week, I’ll take it”

“Deal” He said with a smile, throwing one of his hoodies at you from the floor “And then you will hate it so much because it’ll remind you too much of me that you won’t even want it afterward”

You never told him that it would be the opposite.

Next thing you know, Ashton has parked and was getting out of the car. You looked around and you were surrounded by nice streets and expensive houses. You opened the door and looked over at Ashton who was nodding his head toward one of the houses.

“C’mon” He said with a smile.

“Where are we? Is this a new restaurant I haven’t heard about or…?” “What? No,” He chuckled, ringing the doorbell “Is my friend Andrew’s home. He invited us over for dinner to celebrate that he came back from tour as well”

You were at a loss for words, “He invited us?”

“Yeah, I told him you were coming. Why, what’s wrong?”

A lot. You wanted to tell him. A lot was wrong. How could he not see what he was doing? If he had told you that you were just going to a friend’s house then you wouldn’t have looked so out of place, or feel like a fish out of water. You didn’t know who this Andrew was, you didn’t even know if Ash had actually told them that you were coming or if you’re just going to turn up at this reunion/party for his friend. He said it was to celebrate you.

But before you could voice your concerns to him, the door opened and a guy with a big mop of hair jumped in to hug him.

“Dude! I’m so happy you could make it!” He - Andrew, apparently - smiled widely at Ash, chatting with him for a minute before he noticed you standing beside him “Oh, hi!”

“Hi,” You smiled shyly, extending your hand in greeting knowing Ashton was not going to introduce you judging by the face he just made, seemingly embarrassed of that fact “I’m Y/N”

“Of course!” Said Andrew, shaking your hand and pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek that you weren’t expecting “I heard so much about you, I didn’t know you were friends with this guy here”

“Yeah! We’re friends since the old Australian days” Ashton said, smiling at you “Y/N here dropped by for a visit since she’s doing a lil business around L.A”

You smiled tensely during that small exchange. Wanting nothing more than to crawl back into the car and wait for everything to be over.

One of the reasons you left L.A was because nothing ever felt right. For years you tried to fit in into the scene, going to parties and hosting them with a bunch of people who didn’t even know your last name. You were never good at making new friends, that is to say once you’ve established a relationship with someone then friendship would just roll around the corner. But everyone here was moving so fast it was almost impossible to even wish for a deeper connection with someone.

When you first moved, you thought it would be like a great new beginning. Yet you’ve never felt more alone. The only people you knew were from your team and from Ashton’s band, but even then they turned into more acquaintances given just how little time they seemed to spend in the city.

And maybe Ashton knew that. Maybe he was trying to fix that and give you some opportunities to mix with his group of friends; something you’ve been wanting to do since you moved here all those years ago. Still, something fell… off about all of this.

After the guys talked a little bit more, finally Andrew invited you in. There, you found a group of people you’ve never met hanging around the living room. Plastic cups and ashtrays were scattered around the room as a tinted, light smoke served to decorate the place and give you just an idea of the state of most attendees.

As you walked by, people started to come up to Ash, greeting him and spending a few minutes catching up. Not one of them turned to look at you for more than a second or even gave you the courtesy to say hi. Ashton didn’t seem to notice it at first, but there would come the rare occasion that he would introduce you to some of the groups that started forming around him.

It was not a rare sight for you. Back in school he was the popular one, always friendly with countless people you didn’t even see around school that often.

“This is Y/N, she’s here promoting her new album!” He’d say.

“Wait, I know you!” One of the strangers said, their smile totally welcoming “Taylor Swift gave you a few shout-outs recently, didn’t she?”

You smiled “Yeah! I had a chat with her at a label party a few days back. She’s amazing. We talked about collabing soon, maybe a writing session next time she flies out to the U.K”

“Damn, that’s awesome! I’m Laura, by the way” They said, extending her hand toward you “Ash, why didn’t you bring her along on one of our trips?”

Ashton chuckled “C’mon L, well…”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s our style. No offense” A guy next to them said. You frowned

“What do you mean?” You smiled awkwardly “Have you heard my songs before or-?”

“Nah, it ain’t that. It’s just- We don’t go Taylor Swift’s style”

You could feel your heart beating loudly inside your chest as you looked between Ashton and the other guy, hoping that Ash would intervene “But I’m not Taylor”

Once again you looked toward Ash, but his eyes were cast down to the bottle of beer that he held in his hands. You couldn’t help the disappointment that came over you then.

“Hey man, not cool” Laura said, locking your arms together as they pulled you away “Don’t mind him, he’s high out his mind right now. C’mon, let’s get a bit drunk”

They took you to the main couches and sat next to you. Your cheeks were a bit red from the humiliation. How could you have expected Ashton to defend you? He said it before that your music didn’t go with his vibes and that it was not really his thing, so why would he help you now?

“Those guys can be assholes sometimes. I love them, but they’re so…” Laura trailed off, looking over at you “But hey, forget about them. Tell me a little bit about yourself, how do you know Ash?”

You ended up telling them your whole story. About how you met when you were kids and how he was your best friend. How lonely you felt when he moved away the first time. And how excited you were to see him again after your big break, but that life got in the way. You probably told them more than you should’ve, but the drinks were soft and the room was crowded. And for the first time in the evening someone was actually willing to listen, curious to know you rather than know about you.

“That seems like a whole adventure” They smiled, “And when was the last time you saw Ash before deciding to come and stay with him?”

It wasn’t that long ago, a year or so earlier, when you gave a secret concert in London when you released your last album. He was standing in the corner, smiling at you as you sang. It was the first time since you told him you were moving a couple of years prior. You both kept following each other on social media, but that was pretty much it when it came to your relationship. And you were good with it.

You knew they were in the U.K for their tour, Michael and Crystal had asked you for drinks during that same week and you had a great time catching up. So, against your mind’s warning, you started to hope you would run to him soon enough. And when he appeared at the concert, you couldn’t help but smile back.

Afterwards, when you were back in the green room, you asked if he was still out there and to invite him over to chat. But no one from your team saw him; apparently he was already gone by the time you went off the stage. You remember waiting until you went home to allow yourself to cry, even for just a few minutes. That small interaction that seemingly never happened opened the wound back again. And, if you were honest with yourself, that was one of the main reasons why you decided to take on his offer to stay with him. But you didn’t say that.

“I don’t know,” You told them instead, as your eyes landed on Ashton standing a few feet away from you, a lighted joint between his lips as he laughed with people that you haven’t seen before “Since I moved to Scotland, I think. A while before, probably”

If Laura saw the sadness in your eyes, they never mentioned it. They just said “Okay, I think you should be a little bit drunker, my friend”

Hours later you were alone and tipsy sitting at the front porch of Andrew’s home, nursing a cigarette between your fingers.

“I didn’t know you smoked” A voice came from behind you.

You sighed, putting the filter in between your lips and taking a long hit before you let the smoke get lost into the night.

“You’re mad.” Ashton said, sitting next to you

“And you’re high”

“So we’re both telling the truth tonight” He chuckled, you didn’t “When did you pick up this habit?”

“I don’t know,” You answer honestly. “It was better than drinking myself to death back in Australia. It helps with my anxiety”

“What do you-”

“Alcohol makes you fat.” You deadpanned as you took another hit “I didn’t want my mom to have yet another reason for her nagging”

“Y/N-”

“But she’s not here so,” You passed him your empty cup, still not looking at him “Bring me another one, please?”

Ashton sighed “I think you had enough,”

“You will just never stop making decisions for me, are you?” You stood up, killing the cigarette after one last blow “I know what I’m doing, Ash. I’m a fucking adult, if you haven’t realized. I don’t need you to tell me what to do”

His eyes widened. He parted his lips as if to say something, looking over his shoulder back at the party. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t worry, your friends can’t listen to what I’m saying. Your reputation will still be intact and they will still love everything that comes out of your mouth”

“Hey,” Ashton said with a bit of a bark “Don’t talk about them like that”

You pressed your lips on a tight smile, looking at him as your eyes filled with tears. You couldn’t believe that he was defending them like that from just a simple comment, but left you completely alone when they were making worse comments at you.

“Fuck, Y/N” He said, frustrated “I’m trying here, you know? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You don’t want to talk to me, you moved across the world. You still talk to the guys-”

“They’re my friends,”

“I was your friend too!” He shouted, surprising you “And I want this to work. I want you here, with me. But if you don’t want to be here and go back to your fucking hotel- I want us to work!”

“Why am I here, Ash?”

“C’mon, don’t be like that! I just wanted you to meet a few people, celebrate your new album-”

“Yet none of them cared to get to know me, nor you to introduce me and actually wanting to celebrate with me” You took a deep breath and sighed “Give me the keys to the house, I want to leave”

Ashton shook his head.

“You’re angry. I get that”

“No, Ash. I’m tired and I want to go to bed” You said more firmly this time “Give me the keys and I’ll call an Uber”

“I’ll take you!”

“The fuck you aren’t” You laughed, not a hint of humor in your voice “You’re high with more than just weed apparently. I’m drunk. I would rather not fucking die tonight, thank you”

“I’m not going to-”

“I don’t want you to! Okay? Fuck, Ash! I don’t feel safe around you!”

You saw the ways his eyes changed, how hurt they looked so suddenly at your words. You knew you wounded him, but it was how you felt. You didn’t trust him, not tonight.

“Y/N…” He said, getting up and walking over to you but you took a step back. He sighed, roaming around his pockets before he found his keys and gave them to you “Text me when you get there, leave the keys by the potted tree”

You answered him with a nod and a small thank you. You didn’t watch him as he turned away and walked by to the house. You didn’t hear Laura, who was watching over from the window, tell him:

“I don’t know what you did, man. But I’ve never seen anyone with such sadness in her eyes”

Damn, who are we right now? Can we have a little conversation? Figure it out with no intoxication We carry on, what is our motivation?

You woke up when you heard footsteps outside of your door. You knew it was him waiting outside, probably debating on whether or not to knock on your door, wanting to talk. There were times in the past where he would just open the door to your room and sit down on the floor next to your bed, waiting for you to start talking or acknowledge him so that he could apologize or talk things through. Sometimes you didn’t need to say anything, you just understood each other. And as he walked away without a word, you wondered where did all those times go?

Where was the friend that would go out with you and wait on the street for a cab to take you home, no matter whom he was with or what you were doing. Where was the friend that when you snuck out to your first concert, he held you close by the waist and covered your body so that none of the beer that people were throwing around got into your clothes or hair. What happened to the friend that would stay awake chatting with you on the phone even though you had an exam early the next morning, all because the guy you liked broke your heart.

Tears rolled down your face as you tossed and turned on the bed. It wasn’t fair, your heart kept begging your brain to understand. It wasn’t fair that you had to lose it all without a warning.

Once upon a time, you thought you had it all as long as Ashton was there. Now, you begin to miss the times where he wasn’t. Times where you learned to be happy without him, where you didn’t need him or his approval. Times where you felt complete even though your best friend was not around anymore. You were better off without him, and learned to live without him. You knew that to be the truth. But one just can’t ignore the past and the mystery of how the person that makes you feel such horrible things about yourself once promised to give you the world and its stars and meant it.

You just couldn’t figure it out. So you just forced yourself to go back to sleep.

When you woke up again a few hours later and made your way to the kitchen, you found freshly made coffee and bagels waiting for you on the counter with a little note next to them:

“I’m sorry, can we talk about it later? XX Ash”

You sighed as you wiped out the tears that clung to your eyelashes. You took a sip of the coffee and found comfort in the heat of the mug.

On the other side of town, Ashton was doing the same thing. His eyes were covered behind dark sunglasses as he thought of what to say once he got home. In front of him, Calum can’t say that he’s impressed from what he’s heard.

“What’s your deal?” He asked his friend.

“I- I don’t know” Ashton answered, biting the inside of his cheek “I thought she would have a good time. She was always cool at coming to those types of parties with me back home, we used to have fun”

“You and I both know she hates parties, and back home she had you. The normal, probably tipsy you, to keep her company” Calum said, taking a bite out of his sandwich “Last week I found her sitting alone while the rest of the world was having a conversation around her. We talked and it was nice, she’s not normally that outgoing on the get-go. She never was”

“You saw her last week?”

“We were invited to Gabriel’s cocktail party. You didn’t want to go, as usual”

“You never told me that-”

“What? That we’re still in contact? Dude, we all talk to her from time to time. We mention her in our conversations every now and then. She’s still our friend”

Ashton sighed, “So she just hates me for no reason?”

“You truly think that Y/N L/N could hate you?” Calum chuckled, “That girl would’ve followed you straight to the end of the world back in Aus. As far as I know, there’s only one person she truly hated”

“Who?” Ashton scoffed “I’m pretty sure our politics teacher was not so bad”

“What? No, Ash-” Calum shook his head “Remember when-” His face went blank “Oh shit,”

“What?”

“You didn’t know?”

Tell me that it's all okay You ruined everything good I've been waitin' on this all damn day Always said you were misunderstood Call me in the morning', tell me how last night went I'm here, but don't count on me to Just fucking leave me alone

He found you sitting outside in one of his garden chairs. A cigarette was hanging from your fingertips as the ashes fell on the floor in a small pile. You didn’t look back at him, for your eyes were staring at the moon that decorated the sky with its beauty.

You felt him come outside and sit on the chair next to you. The sound of a lighter made you blink, and you sighed at his exhale. There was no way he was doing this sober, and you couldn’t blame him. Yet…

“I was hoping we could talk without any of that” You said. “You have your ways and I have mines”

Silence fell over the two of you once again. You could feel his eyes burning holes into your profile, but you didn’t have the courage to look at him just yet.

“When did I stop being your best friend?” He asked.

Tears quickly covered your eyes and you hated that. “Probably around the time when you stopped being mine”

“Y/N-”

“You held me, once. Not the usual hugs that we gave each other, no. This one was different. We were at school, an overnight vigil that the nuns made us do every year”

“Those were fun,” He commented “A huge sleepover at school”

“The theme was about lost ones, remember? I had just lost my grandma that past week”

“I wasn’t at the funeral, I was away on a trip to the city. She was the one that taught you how to bake”

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Though, I was never good at it once she passed. Anyway, of course I started crying. I’ve already lost so many people back then, and I was barely hanging on. But then - then you held me, so tightly. And my tears left a damp stamp on your shirt. You cradled me and brushed my hair with your fingers and whispered “It’ll be okay, you can cry. It’s okay” and kissed my head as they started to sing. You sang as well and never said a thing about it afterwards. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t have loved you more”

The sound of a cricket broke your monologue, and you allowed yourselves to be fed into the sounds of nature for a while. You knew there were still things left unsaid, so you better get over with it now rather than later. You didn’t want to stay for the aftermath.

“Remember the first time you came back to Australia? I was still living there in the house we grew up in. I was having a shitty day at work, so I went to grab a coffee at our favorite coffee shop with other coworkers when a few of our old friends and classmates came through the door. We said our hellos and caught up, it was nice. Then they had to go. “Who’s coming with me to Ash’s house?” One of them said. I remember asking about it as they argued over who had to take the bus or a cab. They told me you were coming back that day and have invited people over to celebrate”

“Y/N,”

“You invited them. Even people I didn’t know that well and that I know for a fact didn’t know you as well. And don’t try to tell me it was a guys thing, cause you invited girl classmates as well”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, yet nothing came out. “I was numb as I took a taxi home. I still remember that the radio played “Waiting for Superman” as I tried my hardest not to cry. But when I got into the kitchen, I just couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that you were just a door away but didn’t want me there”

“Y/N, I wanted you there” He said, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned closer “I - I know I can’t say anything to fix it now but- I missed you, too”

“It didn’t seem like it” You told him “Every time I learned something about you back then was through a story or a tweet. I learned through the paparazzi who you were with and in which city you were going to sleep next. I saw you living your best life with your friends away from home. And, I get it, we both resented that place and all that we suffered while we were there. I just - I just hoped that my memory was something worth saving, cause my memory of you always was and will always be the best thing that’s happened to me while we were there”

You turned to him and looked him in the eyes “It just hurt to know that while I put you on a pedestal, I was already out of your sight”

“Baby, you know that’s not true” You scoffed “I swear! In my memory, you were always there! Front of the line!”

“Then why-?”

“I was scared, okay?!” He shouted, lowering his eyes in shame “So fucking scared and it’s so stupid!”

“Scared of what?!” You shouted back, willing for him to look you in the eyes “Ashton, for god’s sake just tell me!”

“They told me that you liked me!”

For a moment time stood still. You backed away from him as his words started to make sense. You pulled away your arm, letting his hand grasp the space that you left between the two of you.

“What?”

“People started whispering,” He said, his voice broken as if he were crying “Telling me how good of a couple we could be. How happy you were with me and how in love you looked”

“When was it?”

“At the beginning of our senior year” Ashton admitted, ashamed “I- I already knew that I wanted to get out of Australia. I knew that with the guys we could take the band somewhere massive. So I put my whole soul into it, trying to escape the feelings that would pull me back”

“You thought I was pulling you back” You stated, betrayed.

“No! I was pulling myself back by thinking about it!” Ashton said, finally looking at you and hating the way you were looking at him “I couldn’t risk it”

“Couldn’t risk what?! That I could have feelings for you?!” You stood up “You’re unbelievable! You could’ve asked me! Come to me instead of running away and make me lose part of myself in the process. Parts that I can’t take back, that I can’t love back because of you”

“Y/N!” He tried reaching out to you, but you took a step back.

“No!”

“Y/N, please! Just-!”

He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you to him. The movement made you lose your balance, tripping over your feet as Ashton maneuvered you to land on top of his lap, holding you by your waist.

The sudden proximity made you lose all the air inside your lungs as you looked at him and his hazel eyes surrounded by red. He looked desperate, pleading with his eyes for something you couldn’t understand. He was breathing hard, his chest colliding against yours where your heartbeats were going as fast as your thoughts. Almost impossible to catch up.

Then, almost without thinking, Ashton launched himself forward and pressed his lips on yours.

The softness of the kiss contrasted the chills that ran up and down your bodies. As you gasped for air, his hand came to tangle itself on your hair, pulling you closer to him as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. He sat back on the chair and pulled you with him, making your legs spread at either side of his hips; never once letting you go as he kissed you over and over again, like a man deprived of something more.

“Y/N,” He whimpered against your lips, making you sigh as his hands roamed your body until they landed on your hips, moving them against lower half “Y/N, please”

Your mind was clouded in smoke, feeling the heat of his kiss along the length of your neck. His words whispered your name, as his movements on your hips became erratic, letting you feel all of him under you.

“Please, please Y/N” He said, kissing and kissing and kissing every part he could find “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

Suddenly, you opened your eyes as you jumped back to reality. Putting a hand on his chest and pulling away from him. Both of you were left panting, as your skin tingled from the contact.

Ashton’s eyes were desperate, looking at you in fear of what you might do. His lips - you imagined - were a mirror of yours, plumb and beat red as your name escaped him in the form of a question. You closed your eyes and let a tear fall across your cheek as you shook your head.

“You don’t get to do this to me” Your voice, a whisper.

“What?” He asked, almost out of breath. But you were already getting off him and turning your step back to the house.

“You don’t get to do this to me!” You yelled through the tears “You don’t get to confuse me all over again. You don’t get to have a half-ass apology followed by a kiss that would make it all better!” You turned to him, poking a finger on his chest “You don’t get to make me hate myself all over again for loving you when you didn’t think it was convenient for you!”

“Y/N!” Ashton pleaded, taking your hand in his before you yanked it away “I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking-!”

“Exactly! You weren’t thinking! You never, not once, thought of me during all of this. Fucking admit it! Trying to get me to come here to patch things up was just such bullshit! You just wanted to make sure that I was still available for you any time you wanted! And don’t say it isn’t fair cause you were not aware of how miserable you made me!”

“That’s not true-”

“Was this just a plot to get me to bed?! Is that what you think of me now?!”

“It’s not true!” Ashton yelled “I know I made a mistake and I’m so fucking sorry! I should’ve never-! Look, I want to patch things up. You were right, goddammit, Y/N, you were right! It took me a long time to realize and fuck! After you moved away I was fucking miserable as well! I- I failed you”

You stood there in front of him, crying silently as he paced desperately.

“Ashton,” You called to him “Ashton, why am I here?”

Suddenly, he stopped and looked at you “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“About what?”

“For fuck’s- About the fact that you were abused, Y/N!” He yelled, leaving you speechless “Right after I left! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

You swallowed hard “It was none of your business-”

“You told Calum” He accused “You told Calum and you never told me. Why? Maybe it was not just me who was a shitty friend to you, after all, if you were going to keep things like that from me”

“How fucking dare you, Ashton Irwin. How fucking dare you?” You pushed him away “I told Calum by mistake! I didn’t mean to do it and it was years after it happened. And because I didn’t think you would care!”

“What?” He broke down, putting his hands on his knees for balance as he looked at you in tears “How- Why would you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” You cried “Just like you said, you had big dreams and a massive opportunity and I was just going to pull you back. Ashton, you just justified everything I thought it was true with that sentence”

“Y/N-”

“Do you think I had a good time? Knowing that my best friend, the only person I cared about in the world didn’t give a fuck about me to even ask how I was doing? So if you really wanna know… I don’t relate to you anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to think about what we had anymore because it just makes me fucking sad. I thought the world of you. Ash, you were my everything. I loved you, as a friend. I loved you, as the sun loves the moon even when it’s gone. I loved you with every prayer, every pleading, every move I made was for that one day I could be with you again, anyway that you would have me. I would’ve died a thousand times next to you, just as long as you kept me company. I didn’t care about what could happen to me. And when something happened, I tried to spare you from it, even when you never once asked. Fuck! I moved to L.A and this is the first time I’ve been in your house!”

“That’s-”

“I wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we could’ve resolved this somehow, but let’s be honest. There is no bridge to burn when we're already so far away. And those memories? From all those years back? Now it all feels like a lie and don’t you dare say otherwise. You’re not the person I once knew, Ash. The person I once knew would’ve never invited me here to leave me alone at a party with people I don’t know, saying a cute lie about how it was for me when in reality it was to make you look a certain way. The person I once knew would’ve never made me feel like nothing every time we were at an event together and you couldn’t even say hi. The person I once knew would’ve never let their “friends” disrespect me in any way. The Ashton I knew wouldn’t have tried to make me feel sad. He wouldn’t have made me so miserable to be in my own skin because they’re not brave enough to face the music he so highly speaks about. You never once showed support for what I do once I became my own person. You never once called to ask how I was. You never once believed in me as much as I believed in you. You made me hate this city. But even more, you made me hate everything I used to love about us. Now I meet someone new and wondered if it’ll be like what we had. You ruined me, Ash. And you never apologized for it”

Ashton was shaking his head, crying as he listened to what you had to say.

After you had your feelings heard, you didn’t walk away or ran through the door so that you could escape the aftermath like you did back in December all those years ago. You were not going to run away again. Not when your heart finally felt light from all the things you’ve been carrying.

You and Ashton cried in silence, each one at one side of the room.

The two of you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why did it end up like this? You could play the blaming game; pretend this never happened; you could walk out and never see each other again; or, you could just stand there, waiting, digesting the sour words that fell from both your lips and think, think of anything that could be saved.

“What are we going to do?” Ashton finally asked, voice hoarse from the crying.

“I don’t know,” You answered in all honesty “It’s like we only play to lose”

“Every time,” He said, looking at you and giving a small chuckle. “Every time I see you it just hurts. Not for anything you’ve done, but for everything that I could’ve done but didn’t”

“Maybe it was for the best to have it end this way”

“But… I don’t want it to.” Ashton admitted in a whisper “Now that you’re here… I kept on failing cause I wanted to prove to myself that I still knew you”

You laughed “Who are we, Ash?” you asked “A girl that chases over the past and a boy with the excuse?”

“How the hell we’re going to make it?”

“Maybe we don’t” You shrugged “Maybe we’re just meant to be passing figures on the street. People we once knew. We can’t go back from this, Ash, and you know it. We’re just going to keep hurting each other”

Ashton nodded, walking over to you as you let yourself be embraced by a hug.

“I love you, Y/N. I will always love you”

“Terribly” You murmured against his chest “I will love you all my life, Ash. And I’ll miss you forever”

“Tell me that it’ll be okay? Please?”

You smiled and placed a small kiss on his chest, and held him tighter. And he knew.

He knew.

*

*

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @calumspupils@secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @lendeluxe

[adickaboutspoons]

bad writing where? I don't think you know what bad writing is and I have doubts you understand the core of the characters.

Hi Nonnie! Girl, how ARE you? Because you seem to be taking it awfully personally that I am not enjoying this season as much as you are. To be perfectly clear, if you ARE, I'm DELIRIOUSLY happy for you! I wish I was too! I was SO looking forward to it! And even though I didn't care for some stuff here and there for the first half of the season, there was a LOT that I LOVED, and I was still holding out hope for the rest of the season! After the last 3 episodes, I am decidedly less optimistic. I'm glad to tell you exactly why, and At Great Length, because that's kind of just What I Do, but here's the thing... It's ok if you like a thing that other people don't. It doesn't reflect poorly on you as a person. You don't have to defend a thing that you like as though it was an extention of yourself. Also? You and I don't have to agree. There's room for interpretation. I have mine, but that doesn't make it Objective Truth. My positions are only as good as I can offer coherent, well-supported arguements to back them up. I like doing that. I think it's fun. You may still not be convinced. That's ok. I don't need you to agree with me. And, frankly, you don't even need to worry about other people agreeing with me. I am small potatoes. I have maybe two posts ever that have made it into the low thousands in terms of notes - not reblogs, but notes cumulative. Most of my original stuff don't even break triple digits. Believe me NO ONE is rushing to espouse the doctrine of spoondick llc. And that's fine. So I'm gonna go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt that you're asking genuine questions and not just lashing out. But I'm also gonna put my answers below a cut. Because, frankly, you may not entirely agree with me, but you also may not be able to unsee some of the things I point out once I do, and I don't want to take your enjoyment of the show away from you.

So second claim first: that I don't understand the core of the characters. I mean... I have written quite a lot and at length about these characters and their motivations. I mean, each of those is a link to a different meta I've written, and it's not even close to all of them. Which reminds me - I need to update my pinned page. So while you may not agree with my interpretations, at the v. least, you can't argue that I haven't put SOME thought into the matter. With regard to bad writing, the qualifiers may vary from person to person, but to me, it mainly comes down to three interconnected things: Inconsistency, telling rather than showing, and contrivance. I feel that there have been a LOT of inconsistencies with the characters, both between seasons and just within season 2 itself. I'm an unapologetic Stede girlie and he IS the main character, so most of my big qualms are with how his character is being butchered handled.

How the are we supposed to square Stede "had multiple breakdowns over Nigel's accidental death and was so traumatized over everything with Chauncy that he walked back to Bridgetown in his bare feet" Bonnet with the man from last night who murdered Ned in cold blood, and then went on to casually set a man on fire and QUIP about it? It's one thing to butch up with a "how to pirate" montage, it's quite another to become a psychopath, completely unbothered by taking a human life.

And about butching up. While I would, and have, argued that a lot of Stede's insecurities in the first season stemmed from insufficient performance of masculinity, I would NOT say that it was because he wanted to BE more typically masc himself - but rather from the way he has been TREATED for being soft, and internalizing the distain and derision of his bullies. Rather, the whole central thesis to his approach to piracy is it's "traditionally a culture of abuse... And my thought is: why? And also, what if it weren’t like that?" He's flattered when Yi Sao clocks his energy as soft. So his mid-season pivot to needing to embrace these "traditional pirate" behaviors? Yeah - I'd say that's a pretty glaring inconsistency.

Speaking of Yi Sao, lets talk about his fight with her. Because Stede in the first season is consistently shown to be a master of improvisation and using his environment and people's underestimation of him to his advantage to overcome stronger and more skilled opponents. He sends Officer Show Daddy rowing back to the British ship with some impromptu mannequins to give the Revenge time to escape after Nigel's death. He uses distraction and supersition to get the upper hand on Izz during their first encounter. He bests Izzy again in the duel using gunpowder to the eyes when he's pinned, and then using what Ed taught him about taking a stab angling to have it happen against a mast he knew would cause Izzy's sword to break. This initially carries over to the second season with Stede using his lowly position in Towels to acclimate people to deeply inhaling the scent he adds to the towels, and later uses that to his advantage to knock out the guards and escape. So it might have been one thing if Stede was in his cups and mourning Ed's departure that led him to getting overly possessive of his remaining crew and pick a fight with Zheng as a parallel of the Art Exhibition scene from season 1, and getting his ass handed to him as a parallel to Mary's attempted murder/an expression of what a deep impact Ed leaving has made on him that his normal strategizing fails him, but instead, he's getting emotional support (from IZZY of all people) and doesn't even seem tipsy, so he's got no reason to fail so profoundly, and it's played as though Yi Sao is RIGHT about him being "a mediocre man who thinks he's exceptional" when he legit JUST bested her with fucking tea towels 4 episodes ago.

Another big inconsistency for me is Stede's attitude toward Ed, over the first half of the season especially. At the end of season 1, we have Stede irrevocably torching his life as a gentleman of leisure to the ground because Mary has helped him to realize that 1) no body's life in improve by him doggedly trying to insert himself into a life he never wanted or chose for himself, and 2) he and Ed are in love with one another, and he should got find Ed about that. Then we get Stede dragging his heels in the Republic of Pirates while he "earns enough money," but his convo with Blackbeard's wanted poster reveals that he's afraid Ed's life is better off without him. Which? Real Chauncy-coded take there (and also, really? When Stede KNOWS that Ed is weary of the pirate life, but the wanted poster and rumor mill suggest he's thrown himself into it full tilt?). I could understand being worried that Ed doesn't love him anymore because Stede broke his heart, but NOT that "his life is better." But still, Stede IS determined to get back to Ed - he's just nervous about what he'll find when he does. He won't stop talking about it to anyone and everyone. He even yeets himself overboard shouting for Ed when he hears that the Red Flag has come across the Revenge. And then he thinks that he's come too late - that Ed is dead. And he manages to forestall his grief over that long enough to effect an escape, but then goes to do his mourning in private. But wonder of wonders! Ed is still alive! Stede didn't lose him after all! Imagine the rapture within his heart! And then he lets Ed leave without so much as offering to come with, when Ed has barely recovered from 1) a coma, & 2) a suicide attempt. It just doesn't make any sense in any possible world.

I also have a big problem with Mr. "Talk it through as a crew" running away from Lucius when he finally started opening up about the traumtic things he's lived through since he got shoved overboard. I've seen some posts suggesting Stede isn't doesn't prioritize or seem to care much about his crew, but that's just demonstrably not true? His first concern on awakening from being gut-stabbed was about his crew. He apologized when he lost his temper about the fuckery (Never heard an apology, Roach? Really?) and incorperated all of their ideas into the final product. Before he bought the treasure map, he inquired and found out there were no oranges for sale in St. Augustine due to a blight. Stede let Olu crash on his couch instead of having him bunk down with the rest of the crew because they were the charter members of the "my crush just left me for their old life" club and misery loves company. Even in the new season, he set aside his grief over Ed until he made sure his crew - INCLUDING the ones he thought were the ones who MURDERED THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE - were safe. So Stede running away from Lucius in his moment of unburdening himself? And it being played for COMEDY? Is not only antithetical to the established character, but to the central thesis of change being effected by the application of loving support that (I THOUGHT) was central to the whole show.

With Ed, it's mostly better, but even he doesn't escape unscathed. I'm absolutely baffled by the suggestion in episode 5 that Ed doesn't know how to be quiet and sit with his feelings when we see him: 1) stimming quietly with his silk after the "donkey" comment until Stede invited him to open up 2) stimming quietly with his silk after the French Boat Party 3) staring broodingly out to sea after the doggy heaven convo 4) isolating himself in the tub after his kraken meltdown 5) quietly sitting and folding socks 6) pillow fort isolation pod 7) standing quiet and alone after the Izzy confrontation, and apparently not seeing anyone until that night 8) stimming with silk before giving Lucius impromptu late night swimming lessons 9) playing with his dollies 10) cry alone in his room multiple times And maybe it's just that Fang doesn't see those times, because, for the most part, Ed self-isolates when he's feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable. But the show frames it as though Fang is correct? Especially in the after-credits scene where we're listening to Ed's non-stop internal monologue as he fails to sit quietly?

There's more with other characters, but, like I said, the categories are overlapping and inform one another, so I'd like to pivot to Tell-Don't-Show. Because whooo boy is there a lot of it going on. The most glaring one to me is Izzy's whole arc. I've seen a lot of people talking about extending unearned grace and how it's for the healing of the crew, not for Izzy, and that the crew are showing that they've embraced the loving support model they experienced under Stede's tenure as captain. But that doesn't change the fact that Izzy was SUCH a dick that even human-ray-of-sunshine-OLU was rooting for Stede to stab him in the duel, and by the end of last season Izzy sold them out to the English and did such a shit job at captaining that the crew (of which Fang and Frenchie were a part) unanimously voted to throw him overboard bound hand-and-foot. SOMETHING must have happened in the interim to move the needle from "gleefully ready to murder him" to "giving him hugs and unconditional positive regard therapy". But whatever it was happened entirely off-camera. We're just being asked to go along with it. And, to me, that's just bad, lazy writing.

The rest of his arc isn't much better, and highlights more of those inconsistencies. Last season, Izzy was openly dismissive and derisive about sharing feelings - it was one of his driving motivations at taking down Ed and inducing the Krakening. And now he seems to have taken the season-1-Lucius role of being the ship's emotional intelligence? Offering coping advice to Lucius. Suggesting to Ed that he should talk his feelings through. Giving support to Stede after Ed left him (again). Where would he even have accrued that skillset? I'm not saying that it's impossible for him to have changed with the loving support of his crew and in the wake of an identity crisis when he has to figure out who he is if not Blackbeard's right-hand man. What I'm saying is that very little of the actual changes happened on camera. And THAT'S what I have a problem with.

Similarly, I have a problem with the whole Yi Sao-Olu-Jim-Archie relationship tangle. Olu didn't even seem to realize Yi Sao was flirting with him until she said as much. I think he was flattered by the attention, and not averse to the idea, but that's not the same thing as being into her in return. And then, when it's relevant to the plot, we're meant to just trust that he's been secretly pining this whole time? Compare to when Jim left - before they'd even kissed. Olu spent his time mooning over the railing, telling everyone how much he missed JIm, getting drunk, and giving away his room. Since he left Yi Sao, there's been not a single word about missing her, not a moment where he even looks slightly broody. We HAVE seen him bonding with Jim and Archie. Hunkering down against the curse on the same bed as Jim and Archie. Dancing with Jim and Archie. Do you see how this LOOKS like the show is possibly moving in a throuple direction? And then we suddenly get Olu saying out of nowhere that he misses Yi Sao, Jim playing matchmaker for them, and Olu announcing that he's going to leave the revenge to be with Yi Sao. Bye, I guess. And this level of Telling-Not-Showing and inconsistency smacks of Contrivance. And Contrivance really feels like the engine that is driving most of the season to me. It looks an awful lot like the writers had an end-goal in mind, and worked backwards to get there, and along the way did all the hand-waving they had to in order to get where they wanted. Gotta have Stede & Zheng team up against Ricky for an Epic Beach Battle that pits Pirates against The Crown, but why would she want him - especially if she thinks he's "a mediocre man who thinks he's exceptional"?

Oh, what if she loses all her ships because Ricky blew them all up with the world's most contrived bombs?

But why wasn't she on the ship?

Well she was beating Stede's ass at the time.

Why was she beating his ass?

Because he picked a fight with her because he was drunk and she was poaching his crew?

Why are some of Stede's crew willing to leave him even though they were literally ride-or-die even when he was trying to find the guy that marooned them?

Oh, Olu's been in love with Yi Sao this whole time, but, like, never fucking mentioned it, just trust us.

Why was he drunk - Stede thinks drinking 'til you puke isn't fun, remember?

Oh, he is getting plied with drinks because all the pirates love him now.

Why do all the pirates love Stede now?

Because he killed some Big Name Pirate.

Stede? "I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting to being a mur... mur... murderer?" Stede? Are you sure?

Yeah. He's totally butch now.

....How?

He trained on how to be a pirate with Izzy.

Izzy. The guy that conspired with the British specifically to murder Stede Bonnet? Why?

Ed said he needed to work on his "mean voice" and be more dom assertive.

Why would Ed ever say that? He loves that Stede is out there doing things like no one else.

Because Stede doesn't feel like a captain.

Even though he's calling all-hands meetings and mediating crew grievences and rescuing his crew and no one is challenging his authority or even questioning whether his devotion to his boyfriend is possibly compromising his ability to do his job?

...Yes?

But why Izzy? Stede hates Izzy. Izzy hates Stede. Surely these are universal constants.

Izzy's nice now. He's been rehabilitated by the love of the crew.

...How?

Jingly keys.

[raemanzu]

So... I've been basically off tumblr for probably the longest I ever have since I joined in 2011.. lol...

Which is to say, 2-3 months, I think?

Long enough to realize that most of what I missed about tumblr was just a handful of people. So I came back and unfollowed most of the blogs I follow, keeping only my favs. Started working backwards through one of them and it felt really nice.

Life as a working person who's also doing an accelerated online masters program is making it very important for me to manage my time better and also my mental/emotional bandwidth. When I'm not at work wrangling little feral humans or slogging through special education textbooks I'm exercising (weights) 3 times a week and trying to get a garden going with my partner, and the rest of my time goes to RPing blorbos, for morale.

But this week I made bread, twice.

I used to post a lot more random art and personal updates on here, once upon a time, and my favorite blogs/tumblr friends are the ones that still do that, so I think maybe I should try to do simple stuff on here more, not just reblogging stuff... maybe it would help me feel more like a person while using this online space. I'm missing a feeling of community lately.

If you tagged or messaged me anything between now and March I probably missed it, I am lost in the homework anxiety vortex. I know I was tagged in at least one WIP game but I haven't done any creative writing lately, alas! Only a little drawing, and I'm torn on whether to upload it anywhere because of the AI "art" problem.

anyway shout out to @astriiformes, @tearlessrain, @squireofgeekdom, and @neil-gaiman, the main reasons I got back on tumblr tonight xD

[bluestar22x]

BlueStar's Year In Review

Thought I might make a blog review post of sorts this year cause it seemed fun.

It's been a very fun year for me on here. I joined tumblr for the gifs, and for fan talk, back in 2015. I mainly focused on the Dominion, 12 Monkeys, and Supernatural shows. All of which have been off air for a while now but I've continued to find fandoms to latch onto, the latest being the Pedro Pascal character fandom.

I've only had good experiences with this fandom since I joined in, starting around July 2022 after finally watching The Mandalorian. I'd seen Pedro in other shows before, but that was the first role I really noticed him in (shame on my younger self for not paying more attention to Marcus Pike before).

Finding out Pedro was going to play Joel Miller in an HBO show that same month, after having discovered/watched the TLOU games in May/June 2022 and being a newfound fan of game Joel, it kinda felt like fate. And then going through most of Pedro's major movies and shows before and during the time The Last of Us show aired solidified my want to be part of the fandom.

This year has seen a shift in my blog in major ways in large part to the Pedro Pascal characters and fandom. It's still very much for reblogging gifs of my favorite characters/shows/movies, but I've now shifted to also being a very fanfic heavy blog, where before I was only posting and reading fics on fanfiction net.

I started writing fanfic for the first time in years because of Din in 2022, but it wasn't until Pedro's version of Joel in January that I started reading fanfic again (since SPN ended) and eventually started writing for other Pedro Pascal characters.

Through reading fanfic about these characters and writing for them I've truly immersed myself in a fandom again and it's been a wonderful distraction, especially with how stressful real life has been in recent years trying to find a job I can live with, and dealing with not liking where I am in life (I thought I'd have more by this age - my own house, family, etc.).

I'm really grateful for those who have had discussions with me and who have read my fics; those who reblogged and left comments and reaction gifs that made me smile (reaction gifs are so fun). While I do write for myself first, every note has given me a serotonin boost, and it has lead to me having my first ever post with 100 notes! (And it's for one of my favorite fics I've written Sweet Summer). Notes aren't everything, but they're worth celebrating! They make me feel like I'm a part of something and not just in the background. I like contributing.

Here's the link to my Tumblr Stats

Notable Stats:

I've posted so much more this year than the rest before; it's insane

Obviously the notes have gone up since I now write

I haven't even hit 400 original posts yet since 2015! lol

Top 5 Posts:

1. July - Ch2 of my Sweet Summer Series

2. Sweet Summer Masterlist

3. Colors - My Joel Miller x blind!reader oneshot (a surprise honestly, but it goes to show how much reblogs make a difference)

4. June - Ch1 of my Sweet Summer Series

5. The Rockford Files Masterlist

It makes me sooo happy Rockford's in the top 5 cause that fic was very demanding and challenging for me. Not only did it have more plot than my typical fics (which took ages to straighten out), but it also had very LONG chapters because of the case by case nature of the fic. I find it hard to commit to long chapters like that - I have a somewhat short attention span and I'm impatient. It's only 3 chapters yet has almost enough words to be a novel! (over 40,000 words)

My Favorite Fanfics I've Written:

The Rockford Files (the finished product was worth it)

Sweet Summer Series (including New Year's Promise!)

The Journey Series

Fanfics I Wish Got More Love:

Second Chances Series (Love underrated Marcus M)

The Writing Contest Series (it's still early though)

My Masterlist

My Fanfic Plans:

I've got a lot of WIPs written out in my drafts. Right now I'm going to be focusing on Baby Fever and The Writing Contest (the latter which will have the most chapters of any fic I've written in a long time) but I have several one shots I'm itching to write between their chapters, including another Sweet Summer oneshot sequel called The Weekend which will feature Steve, Connie, and Chucho - not sure how I've avoided writing them for so long when I loved them in show. It will also be based around one of my favorite things to write besides smut. Take a guess.

After Baby Fever is completed I'll be looking to start writing another series, this time for Dieter called Unknown which will share a bit of plot and humor with that Disney movie The Game Plan (hopefully - I don't write humor much) but Dieter-fied. It'll feature less sports and more romance and angst. My two greatest loves.

Tumblr Wishes For 2024:

That I catch up on my WIP list (unlikely)

That I don't run out of ideas for fics (I just don't want as much ha)

That I make close friends in the fandom - I've talked to some lovely people fairly often, but I don't have anyone yet that I talk to regularly as I did in previous fandoms

That I have more discussions about the characters/fics/ask games I'm interested in - my ask box is open!

Anyway, that's all for now. Happy New Year everyone! :)

[aris-ink]

The problem with multis like you it's not that they like other groups no one cares about that, it's that they always throw bts under the bus to defend their other groups, and that's what you did, you always write about bts but never post anything about their songs or defend them, only when BP is mentioned you threw them under the bus, they're like characters for you nothing more

let's get through your points properly, so that hopefully, this is the last ask I have to answer on the matter.

1) I mentioned, for the 100th time, since this is a freaking BTS BLOG, that the boys have made their mistakes too, but you're still here, clearly, aren't you? and so am I. so, I am allowed to also believe in someone that isn't from BTS, and it's not fair to judge that so harshly. that is NOT throwing anyone under the bus, that is a goddamn fact, but people threw themselves at me and got offended that I dared to mention bts and bp in the same sentence. it was literally an example I used. please don't put words in my mouth. not to mention the audacity of some people to come onto my blog and tell me what I'm "allowed" to say and what I'm not.

2) does this look like a bts fan blog to you guys? dedicated to their gifs, interviews, music? this is a writing blog. dedicated to horror fiction. I don't know how long you've been here, but I've had plenty of conversations back and forth with sweet anons about indigo, our biases, Tae's selfies. I have plenty of beautiful things saved in my likes. I don't even have to explain myself in the first place for what I choose to put on my blog, but I'm tired of this.

3) frankly, do you see me reblogging or talking about bp? I've had a lot to say when flower came out, I was excited for born pink, etc, etc. but again, this is just a fanfiction blog for bts, so I don't say anything.

4) just like I didn't share my excitement for any upcoming debuts or music for bts (besides asks) or bp, I also don't defend them here, you say. look. I see stuff on tiktok. I see Jungkook apologizing for his new piercing. I see Taehyung being fed up with comments on lives. I see Yoongi being tired. I see poor Jimin having to deal with the most awkward and disappointing fancall in the world.

just like I see Rosé being (baselessly, ofc 💖) accused of doing drugs, Jennie getting called lazy all over the place, Jisoo "untalented/stiff" (lmao). have you ever seen me bring any of this up?

no. because first of all, nothing I say here, on this blog that not many people even know exists, is going to either ease their pain, or change anything in their lives, and I always tried to keep this a positive space instead, filled with love and support.

the first and only time I ever defended anyone here was Jennie, but that was because someone came into my inbox attacking her. I would do the same for the rest of the girls, and I would do the same for all of the boys, but there was never a need to before, as no one came here to insult any of them. she got attacked, so I said something. it's literally that simple.

5) this whole drama is the exact reason why this blog remains a fanfiction blog only. everything gets turned into discourse. I have said multiple times I don't involve myself in the fandom because I can't stand all the wars and hatred and delusional behaviors. I have clearly said that I love bp, I love bts, I support them and their music but I refuse to dive into the community, since this is how it looks like.

but even without all that, it's my choice to have a fanfiction blog, my choice what I put on it. if any of you think I don't love the boys just because the blog isn't filled with banners that say that, or because I defended bp, you can keep thinking that and let's part ways.

[etes-secrecy-post]

Hi, before I explain my post, I want to say something important.

• What you see my blog has become a major overhaul. And despite the changes, I decided that my 2nd account will be now my artwork blog with a secret twist.

⚠️NEW RULE! (W/ BIGGER TEXT!)⚠️

⚠️ SO PLEASE DO NOT SHARE MY 2nd ACCOUNT TO EVERYONE! THIS SECRECY BLOG OF MINE IS FOR CLOSES FRIENDS ONLY!⚠️

• AND FOR MY CLOSES FRIENDS, DON’T REBLOG IT. INSTEAD, JUST COPY MY LINK AND PASTE IT ON YOUR TUMBLR POST! JUST BE SURE THE IMAGE WILL BE REMOVED AND THE ONLY LEFT WAS THE TEXT.

⚠️ SHARING LINKS, LIKE POSTS, REBLOG POSTS, STEALING MY SNAPSHOT PHOTOS/RECORDED VIDEOS/ARTWORKS (a.k.a. ART THIEVES) OR PLAGIARIZING FROM UNKNOWN TUMBLR STRANGERS WILL IMMEDIATELY BE BLOCKED, RIGHT AWAY!⚠️

😡 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT EVER LIKED & REBLOG MY SECRET POST! THIS IS FOR MY SECRET FRIENDS ONLY, NOT YOU! 😡

Okay? Capiche? Make sense? Good, now back to the post…↓

Title(s): GM Wubbzy & EWAC GM Walden Custom

Hello, May! Here are my "Secret Art Trades" for my G-Pal, rafacaz4lisam2k4.

• Since the characters of "Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!" are officially joined the team (Do you remember on Jun 4th,2022? [CLICK ME!]), I have plenty of time to work on their armors. Although, I can't do it all in one month, so instead I decided to divide two armored characters in one month & the rest will be coming this June & July respectively.

• With that said, let's start off with Wubbzy & Walden in their armored GMs. One is the regular mass production, while the other is a EWAC type variant, which I've made it by myself inspired by the fictional Mobile Suit. Which, I'll show it the link in EWAC GM Walden Custom's stats.

GM Wubbzy (RGM-79)

Based on the: RGM-79 GM (Mobile Suit Gundam 0079)

Fixed:

• 2 × 60mm Vulcan Gun • 1-2 x THI BSjG01 Beam Saber

Handheld:

• BR-M-79C-1 Beam Spray Gun • FADEGEL RGM-M-Sh-003 Shield

EWAC GM Walden Custom (RGM-79EC)

Inspired by the: RGM-79E EWAC GM (Advance of Zeta: The Flag of Titans)

Equipment:

• 2 x Sensor Unit • Camera Unit

Fixed:

• Beam Saber

Handheld:

• Beam Rifle • Shield

Well, that's all for now. More Cuteness Mecha artworks, soon.

Wubbzy & Walden - Wow Wow Wubbzy © Nickeloden/Nick Jr., Bob Boyle

Armors (Mobile Suit Gundam 0079 & Advance of Zeta: The Flag of Titans) - Gundam Series © Sunrise, Sotsu

[entomjinx]

Hello!

Before you continue: Eat something, drink something, take your meds, and get some rest if you haven't. This blog will still exist tomorrow. <3

I don't think I ever had a proper pinned post for this blog, so I'm doing that now! (Last updated: 9/23/2023)

My name is Jinx, and I use all pronouns. You may perceive me however you see fit to, and it is impossible for you to be incorrect.

This blog is for my orginal content. I do not reblog things here unless I am adding to it, or doing an ask game of some sort. The blog where I reblog literally everything and anything I see is @jinx13gxa2 . Follow that one at your own risk, because there is so much spam.

My ask box is always open, and anons stay on. I'm to anxious to leave asks on people's pages 99% of the time so I want to keep that curtesy extended for others like me. I'm a loser with too much going on in my head and I'd love to talk with you! Honestly, I'm probably as anxious about answering you as you are about sending something!

This links you too all of my socials.

I mostly write fics on Ao3, but I occasionally post doodles and such here too. I love to do headcanon lists, but I haven't made any in a long time.

Fandoms I currently create content for:

Fairy Tail (Link to the post about the LGBTQIA+ friendly server that I help run (still semi-active: 2/28/23)) (I don't currently plan on coming back.)

One Piece (Main Fandom as of 2023)

Fandoms I previously created content for, but likely will never return to:

Edens Zero (No new posts.)

I would like to keep this blog as discourse free as possible, as every time I've been thrown into it, I've been harassed, told to kill myself, and in two cases, doxxed. Some of that harassment still continues to this day, and I regularly have to delete anon asks with disturbing content. I will block drama causers without response, as I no longer feel the need to try and back sass you to "one up" you like I did as a teenager. I'm 22, I've grown passed that, and I'm tired. We can coexist quietly and amicably or we can block one another and move on.

Below this is the context of the previous discourse I was involved in, because I'd rather be transparent for anyone just showing up. Warning: It's not as short as I'd like. (TWs: mentions of stalking, harassment, death threats, and suicide baiting)

I will not be deleting any old discourse. It is something I was involved in regardless of how much I wish I wasn't, so I refuse to just erase it despite my personal growth. Everyone may do stupid shit as a teen, however, that will not stop me from holding myself to a higher standard explicitly because it's me. 2019-2020 ish is where the last of the public responses end, I believe.

When I first joined the Fairy Tail fandom, I had a real life stalker, who used the ship Gray/Juvia (and many others) as an example of why I would have to fall in love with him eventually. I was fourteen. This fucked me up beyond belief.

Because of that whole fiasko, I politely asked shippers of the ship and people who really loved Juvia's character to DNI. I wanted nothing to do with it because it brought up all of that trauma and fear. I immediatly began recieving harassment and I was being told that the only reason I didn't like them was because I shipped queer ships in the fandom and thought Juvia was "in the way." The latter didn't bother me much, but the mass amounts of messages telling me to kill myself was incredibly straining.

I fully acknowledge that none of the following was the correct way to go about things, even if it was much better than the alternatives(ex: harassing back).

So I started putting out little anlyses showing the toxicity of the relationship and Juvia's various mental health issues that are never dealt with in the series, and I've even written fics about it. The harassment only grew worse.

I couldn't---and still really don't---understand why people would seek out people who don't like what they do just to harass them, and vice versa. That's why I and a few others who didn't enjoy the ship created a vent blog to keep all of the dislike for the ship contained, and even encouraged shippers to block us, which unfortunately, did not work. We wanted it to stay away from anyone who didn't want to see it, but to be there for those who needed that space to vent about it without it being traced back to their blogs where they could be harassed and sent death threats for disliking something. (This blog is no longer used by anyone. it's been fully shut down, as it should have never existed at all.)

It backfired greatly, and even now I get 15-20 anon asks a week telling me how I should end my life. Sometimes they spike up randomly into 100 a week for shits and giggles.

Because of the way that the harassers treated my friends and I, I believed fiction affected reality on a 1:1 ratio for a long time, which it doesn't. I thought the whole "Anti vs proshipping" discourse was a firm stance on your morals because no one corrected me, yet I was being harrassed by both, which is what forced me to come to terms with the fact that I was being played like a fiddle for a fool.

The entire thing was incredibly immature and ridiculous. Fiction does not affect reality on a 1:1 scale, and it's better for dark topics to be explored in fiction than in real life. That doesn't mean I should have been harassed for not wanting to interact with a certain aspect of it, but that also means I should have just blocked people who were harassing me instead of giving them the angry responses they wanted.

I will fully admit to many of my responses being made out of anger, fear and with more generalizations than they should have been because of the above. Those people were also harassing my friends and I, so I do not feel remorse for being unkind, only for being unfair with my comparisons of fiction to reality.

I have never told anyone to kill themselves, that they should be caught in an accident, or harassesed anyone. I hate the way it feels to be told those things, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies nor the people who harassed me.

Should you scroll down into my blog, you may encounter some of this very angry discourse, and you will, due tumblr showing you the most recent posts first, encounter some of the final, angriest pieces of that discourse without the context for any of it. So here's your context, make of it what you will, and I can only hope that you don't judge me solely on 14-18 year old me's poor descisions and reactions.