#i've never known peace

[howifeltabouthim]

All her life, she had sought something she couldn't name. Love? Wealth? Beauty? But none of those things were exactly right. What she sought was peace. The peace of having something no one could take away from you. Had she ever been at peace for a single minute in her life?

Susie Yang, from White Ivy

[theghostofashton]

.

[deathbyfiction]

[lolaused2run]

Me: I love angst!

Also me: IF THIS DOESNT GET RESOLVED I WILL COMMIT HEINOUS ATROCITIES

[direwombat]

tagged recently by @simplegenius042 and @g0dspeeed to share some wip stuff (thank youuuuu~🧡🧡🧡)

this is a combo of old (first snippet) and new (parts of the second) from katc ch 7, that i spent some time editing today and liked well enough to share. enjoy some snippets of syb's internal philosophy (and it totally not being compatible with jacob's. nope. nosiree. couldn't be her)

[Sybille] lowers her binoculars with a grimace. The men she could handle, but her experience with wolves begins and ends with the ones she’s seen at the zoo and in nature documentaries. She knows enough to have zero desire to gain firsthand experience in what those teeth and jaws can do.

That wolf will sniff her and Boomer out immediately if she isn’t careful, and while there are fewer soldiers and alarms stationed here compared to Falls End or John’s Ranch, the men posted here are obviously more disciplined. The Peggies in the Valley are all young. Disorganized. They’re content to chatter idly while half-assing their patrols. They saunter around with lazy fingers held over triggers, half-paying attention to their surroundings and shoot without regard for collateral damage. They remind her of new recruits back in the army: wide-eyed, baby faced privates fresh out of boot camp who all think they’re going to be the next George Patton. 

Greener than a golf course, John’s troops are all too eager to chase glory and be named heroes by the Father.

But here, in the Whitetails, the Peggies maintain their posts with the stoic professionalism that she’s only seen from career soldiers. They move with a sense of purpose that comes from spending years serving in the line of duty. There’s a rhythm to their motions. Order. Soldiers who are aware of their place, acting as cogs in a much larger machine -- aware that the job they’re doing is important while also recognizing their own fragile mortalities. 

An army is like a clock. Every single piece of its internal mechanisms plays a critical role in keeping it ticking. Even the smallest of cogs, if broken, must be removed and either fixed or replaced. So too is the soldier. 

It took her years to learn that lesson. In a culture that emphasizes individuality, it’s difficult to accept one’s place as a singular part of a larger whole. But, she’s better for it, she thinks. Stronger. At peace with the fact that when she dies, someone will come and fill her place, and the world will keep on turning. 

For the sake of her conscience, she pretends that the men here have learned the same lesson and made their peace as she has.

and a section from a little later on from the same scene (after she's cleared the outpost):

“My brothers. You know why we train.”

Her jaw clenches and she hauls herself to her feet using the desk to keep herself steady. A small CRT TV rests on its corner and on the screen is none other than the Herald of the Whitetails staring back at her as he goes on to answer his own question. “So that it becomes second nature. Instinctual. We train so that we can act without thinking. Everything we do has a purpose.” 

Where the sermon blasting from the speakers outside had Sybille rolling her eyes, this one forces her lips to curl into a snarl. She’s struck with the impulse to refute, to argue, to fight back, but every half-cooked defense breaks before it makes its way to her tongue. After all, how can she rebuke his words when she’s living proof of their veracity. Even before joining the Army, she learned the importance of listening to her gut; of acting fast and trusting her body would do what it needed to do to survive when rational thought failed her.

She almost prefers operating in that state. It isn’t just the rush of adrenaline that makes her blood sing. It’s also the state of zen she finds once she’s stripped away all of the higher functions that make her human and becomes something primordial. 

Humans are animals, after all. Too many people tend to forget that.

But she hasn’t.  

taglist (opt in/out)

@voidbuggg, @cloudofbutterflies92, @josephseedismyfather, @la-grosse-patate, @tommyarashikage,

@florbelles, @statichvm, @fourlittleseedlings, @wrathfulrook, @harmonyowl,

@ivymarquis, @carlosoliveiraa, @cassietrn, @confidentandgood, @strafethesesinners

@trench-rot, @miyabilicious, @inafieldofdaisies, @josephslittledeputy, @aceghosts

@adelaidedrubman, @finding-comfort-in-rain, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @voidika, @strangefable,

and anyone else with a wip they want to share today!

[6-epigraphs]

The way nothing happened at all today but we're still stressed. Canal+ reporting L4wson's promotion, H4djar soft launching himself, news outlets deleting posts hours later, God when will we catch a break. To think this will go on until Christmas 🚬

[taientime]

march 7th birthday gal

[anarkhebringer]

Hey why are they the best actually

[reverie-starlight]

...if i asked you guys to make assumptions abt me/roast me based on my type in anime characters, would anyone do it???

[cyatzura]

did you guys know that it takes a lot of time to write at least 50 pages

[bau-drabbles]

the hotch angst is killing me 🥺 i love it so much but it hurts me so bad 😫

i'm sorry :") i've tried to write fluff but i can't muster up anything. i've been so low these past couple weeks, hotch better go through my suffering with me too 😩

[geminifyy]

i did this for an entire year when i was 14 and everyone kept calling me crazy but i was really paranoid and that was the only way i could sleep

U guys should try putting your pillow at the other end of your bed and sleeping down there for a night. For the novelty. It's fun. Sound of the summer

[kirsakarasu]

.

[teaboot]

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)

[fionnaskyborn]

need to download the pw rom (not make a new save on the HD collection) so that i can upscale this and make it a wallpaper

[tangleendlessly]

i don't have a lot to say but um yup thanks for sticking around even with the vaguely dramatic shift in some aspects of my interests over the past several months