#i've missed out on so many experiences of my teenage years because i didn't have friends

[purgatorygrl]

I'm never good enough, interesting enough, funny enough, or pretty enough for people, I spend my whole life trying to find love, warmth, and human connection but every day I fail and I don't get it. And I have hope, I always have hope but the years go by and it's hard

[queerly-autistic]

I've been turning over the 'boyfriends' deleted scene in my head all day, rotating it gently in my hands to get a good look at it from all angles, trying to figure out why it hit me in such an emotional place, and I realised it's because it's so...young?

It just perfectly captures that wonder and surprise and joyfulness of being in love for the first time, and realising that you can suddenly use words like 'boyfriend' and they mean something tangible to you - testing out the language and definitions of your relationship for the first time and being absolutely giddy with it all.

And the fact that it's two middle aged men, who have both been on their own specifically queer journeys, gives it a whole other layer of meaning and importance.

As queer people, so many of us were denied the opportunity to have these experiences when we were kids; standing on the sidelines and watching our peers go through all these rites of passage, whilst never quite able to reach out and touch it ourselves. And I think many of us live in perpetual fear that because we didn't to get to have this as kids, then we've missed out, and we will never get the chance to have those experiences in the same way.

But it isn't too late.

My mum came out as gay at 50, and I watched her go through the same thing when she met her first ever girlfriend (who is now her wife): the absolute excited youthful joy of being in love and getting to do all the things she never got a chance to do when she was younger. As a twenty year old, I was a bit annoyed and embarrassed by my mum suddenly turning into a lovesick teenager, but looking back on it now as a thirty-something, it actually makes me well up slightly thinking about how absolutely beautiful it was.

And that's why the 'boyfriend' moment puts me in such an emotional headspace. Because what this silly show did was cup my face gently in its hands and say 'it's never too late to have this'.

I'm so, so glad that we have so much representation for younger queers these days; that young queers get to see themselves represented on screen, having all these experiences that every young person deserves to have. But it's so much rarer for us to see older queers represented in this way, too. Older queers getting to have this is so important, and watching these two men in their 40s experience this, being allowed to revel in the giddy joy of first love - omg we're boyfriends! - like the happy lovesick teenagers they thought they'd forever lost the chance to be, it's just everything to me.

[winterzsurprise]

Change My Mind [3]

Pairing: BTS x reader

SUMMARY: As a make-up artist, you were expected to glamorize your clients with brushes and products that cost a week-worth of food, not to befriend them outside of work, let alone have them save you from dates yet here you are five years later as one of their closest confidants.

Being a stylist of the world's biggest boyband is no easy feat, someone is doing flips, someone can't stay still and one's asleep but its fine, you can work around their chaos but what you can't do is accept the fact that they're your soulmates.

Tags: Soulmates AU, Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Not Beta Read, Slow Build, Polyamory

Words: 8.8k

ao3 is down so I'll update it first here. Chapter got delayed since this wasn't originally part of the roster. its currently 1am so there will be mistakes I missed but that's for future Winter's problem.

edit: please comment if you want to be added to the tag list :DD

[1] [2] [3]

__________

For a guy with his heart on his sleeves and his emotions displayed so loudly on his face like neon signs with gigantic arrows, Taehyung is an enigma.

It didn’t help that he had experience in acting, if anything it made it harder to understand him.

One moment he's supportive of your quest for a perfect husband then another, he's raging with a jealousy even the power of the thousand burning suns couldn't replicate. Even when Guwon has long disappeared, Taehyung didn't stop from hanging off of your arm when the three of you had entered your home. 

In the short time they had stayed over, he made sure he was somehow close to you or having you within his sight while Jimin returned to being the sweet boy he had always presented himself as but the glint of something dark in his eyes never disappeared.

But it didn't make any sense. All of their behaviors, even Jimin, is confusing.

Taehyung had introduced a date to the group before, and had hooked up with a few people from the after-parties if the others’ words were anything to go by. Jimin is the same, although he took every chance to flirt with you at any time and everywhere, you always thought it was him being his playful self. But after last night?

You don't know.

And you hate not knowing.

To find out that Jin still liked you was shocking already, then comes this new realization—along with the impacts of Jungkook’s confession—to knock you off of your feet. You thought he had moved on like he had said years before, but last night's conversation had told you otherwise.

“That's the tenth time I've heard you sigh just this hour alone and we're only drinking coffee, what’s wrong?”

Your head shot up to meet the concerned gaze of the oldest make-up artist. Jihae is one of the original staff back from 2013, the woman who had picked you up when you tripped in front of the BigHit building crying with your bag spilled out, having been given a low grade in one of your subjects. 

They were lacking in staff back then, urgently searching for another body to help with the debut look and when she saw your cosmetic bag, she tugged you inside and told you to agree with whatever they were going to ask. 

Stunned, you followed the woman without question.

A month later, you dropped out of the nursing course your mother had insisted you take and pursued cosmetology.

Many times have you looked back at the memory and grimaced. It could've gone wrong, she might've been leading you into a trafficking ring but nonetheless, you're glad you had accepted it.

All because Jihae had seen you with mascara-stained tears and somehow deemed you skilled enough for the job. Up until today, you still wonder what she had seen in an emotional teenager who had comically tripped face-first in the company’s front yard, mascara running down her face and thought: ‘She’d be a good addition’ . 

Whatever it is, you're thankful. 

“Hey, you still with us?”

Snapping out of your trance, you wearily smiled at her. “Yes I am, unnie. Just frustrated about something...”

At this, multiple heads turned to you, their stares a varying mix of curiosity and teasing. Suddenly reminded of the group lunch Jihae had proposed that day, a bonding exercise for the entire make-up artists roster, for better teamwork, she had said and internally facepalmed. You had forgotten that it wasn't just your friends sitting on the table with you and you had just aired your problem out in the open for them to hear.

Fuck Kim Taehyung and his confusing attitude. You should beat his ass next time you see him for being the catalyst to the dilemma haunting your mind.

Leaning closer to you, Nabi—another friend of yours—crossed her arms and flashed a shit-eating grin.

“Is it boy problems?”

Instantly, the table explodes into chatters, all of their questions drowning each other.

“Which one of them?”

“Did someone from Bangtan confess to you, unnie?”

“Is it Hoseok? Please say it is! I have a bet with someone from the styling department.”

“Was it Taehyung? I always thought he had a crush on you for a whi—”

“It's not any of them, please we're just friends.” You interjected before they dig further and find truth in their questions. “It's a different guy I've had two dates with.”

Never had you sounded more unsure of yourself until now and you had wished nobody had noticed. But one look around the table says differently. Your friends’ eyes glinted, all of them telling you that this discussion was far from over and you find yourself already dreading opening the groupchat once you're home. But unlike them, someone wasn't satisfied with your answer and crossed her arms from the other end of the table.

“Why so dismissive, unnie? We're all friends here, no need to be so defensive.”

Immediately, the ones closest to her snapped their heads at her with a scandalized look. Alexa was a new recruit, A half-Korean and half-Chinese who lived in the States for a better half of her life, had just joined the week before the first leg when one of the crew went into labor and had recommended her cousin as her last minute replacement until she could return.

In the short time she had been in the company, there had been whispers and none of them were positive. Rumors of an unhealthy obsession hidden beneath the skillfully applied make-up that granted her a younger and cuter appearance, hushed stories of their encounters where she'd reveal her soulmate mark—inked initials, and written on her wrist is a K.S.J, something she boasted around with a smug look, as if to imply something you refuse to entertain.

It was absurd. 

Seokjin was untethered, if he got a soulmate mark out in the open, he would've screamed it on top of the world. Delighted and in cloud nine at the thought of having someone destined for him. Not to mention, it meant that he didn't need to go through any of the shit you've gone through, going through dates after dates looking for someone better to settle down with only to be met with constant disappointment at the end of the day.

(You'd also be the first to know. He would've ran to you and asked if you manifested a mark too, but for your sanity, you pushed the thought at the back of your head as soon as it came.)

To say, to imply that Seokjin’s soulmate is the kid on the side of the table, it almost made you grimace.

“Hey Alexa, I know you're just new and a foreigner but that doesn't mean we'd let you disrespect your seniors!” Minhyuk, someone who had quickly wormed into your friend group last year, had jumped to your defense.

Alexa scoffed. “I'm just saying, no need to be so secretive, unnie. Everyone in this table knows how close Bangtan is to you. Everyone is wondering if you've at least dated one of them.”

“Hey Alexa, that's a bit…”

“Why are you guys looking at me like that? I'm just saying what you're all thinking,” She looks back at you. “I've seen how they look at you, surely you've at least had a fling with someone.”

Your brows shot up, incredulous and shocked by her audacity but before you could bite back, Minhyuk stood abruptly, face darkened with pure unadulterated anger.

“Oh this—” Nabi and you were quick to tug him back down to sit. 

At the commotion, everyone in the cafeteria shifted their attention to your table, inquisitive and curious of what might've set off the resident social butterfly, someone who everyone knows the name of and has been at the end of his constant kindness.

Minhyuk is a passionate soul, especially towards his job and friends. Having been kicked out for being himself, he turned to the very skill that had his father screaming expletives at him. Recommended by Jihae, who had been visiting a nearby friend at the time and was passing by his street, had found him crying in the rain, outside the gate of his family house. She had taken him home and the rest was history.

There's never been a time when you've all hung out, five emptied bottles of Sojus later, where he wouldn't be crying, thankful for the chance your eldest had given him before turning to you, sobbing loudly and hugging you and the rest of the group in a tight grip. Heart full of gratefulness for his new found family.

So there was no shock that he had been the first one to jump at the first sign of aggression towards your group.

“Everyone is looking, hyuk. Let's calm down.” Nabi whispered to him, eyes cautious and Minhyuk grunted.

“She's lucky we're in public, I would've torn her down for that comment.”

At the end of the table, Alexa scoffed, incredulous. “Are you seriously mad that I'm saying my opinion? Is it a crime to express their own opinion these days?”

“Not when it's as rude as yours.”

Jihae sighs. “Calm down the both of you. Remember that you're working right now.”

You didn't doubt that everyone in the company has speculated about your relationship with Bangtan. It's hard not to when the maknaes hang onto your words and comfortably play around with you, especially not when you have dinner at their dorm every other week so you didn't blame the newbie for being curious.

That's what you would've felt if she hadn't been going around planting ideas into people's heads that she might be Jin’s soulmate like the delusional slug she is.

You had half a mind to loosen your grip on Minhyuk and let him wipe the floor with her unnecessarily expensive work clothes.

Shrugging both your and Nabi’s arms from his, Minhyuk stands up again only to walk away from the table. Instantly, the rest of your group follows him as he marches through the gathered crowd in the cafeteria and in front of the closed elevator.

You trailed behind him, waiting for his eventual frustrated explosion as he always does after an encounter with Alexa since she was hired. Once you were all far enough, hidden away from the prying eyes of the public, he threw his head back and let out a loud, exasperated groan.

“That girl I fucking swear!” He growled as combed his long hair back. “Why did we even let her continue working after the tour?! We could've just found a better alternative, she's getting into my fucking nerves!”

Nabi sighed. “It's not like we have a final say in this, hyuk. Whether you like it or not, we'll be stuck with her until Hyuna comes back.”

“God,” He groaned. “You should've let me hit her once! I'm so tired of hearing her bullshit! Surely, you've heard the lie she's spreading around right?!”

“Like Nabi has said, we can't do anything unless it starts to hurt the reputation of the idol. She's smart for not saying it outright and somehow containing it within the styling departments.” Jihae responds with a defeated shake of her head.

The answer didn't satisfy Minhyuk, who then turned to you with a pout and wide puppy eyes before promptly stomping over and taking both your hands in his.

“Surely you can pull some strings, noona? Tattle off to Namjoon hyung or Seokjin hyung, surely one of them would do something, right?”

You almost considered his suggestion. Alexa had been grating your gears ever since she arrived to replace Hyuna. You had excused her lack of cooperation with the team for being a newbie and clumsy mistakes of haphazardly leaving her items everywhere for the stress of the new environment she was suddenly put in. But for her to go around implying Seokjin is her soulmate is another can of worms you didn't even want to open.

The mere thought of her existing on the same floor as Seokjin invokes an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach.

But unfortunately, even if you had tattled to Namjoon about her, nothing would happen since it's not too drastic of an event to fire someone over for. It's also just not a good idea overall. The tour is set next Wednesday and while Alexa doesn't cooperate with most of the team, she unfortunately got the skill to back her up. Her skills nearly compensate for her rude personality.

Almost.

“They won't fire someone over a small argument, Hyuk. Just suck it in until Hyuna returns.”

“Which will be in December after Japan,” He mulls it over before shaking his head. “Yeah no, I don't think I can tolerate her nasty ass that long.”

The elevator opens—Jihae had called it the moment they've arrived, bless her—and everyone piles in. It was a quick ride, the stylists being on the floor below the cafeteria. In a flash the metal doors parts opened and you all walked out. But before you could follow your friends back into your department, your phone vibrated from your pocket.

Slowing down, you pulled the device out and looked at who's texting you.

           [13:02] Hobi: can ask you a favor

           [13:02] Hobi: just an itsy bitsy favor 🤏🤏

           [13:02] Hobi: I promise it's harmless😁

There's also a text from Guwon not too long ago. Something you missed while you were lost in your thoughts earlier.

           [12:30] Guwon: Eat your lunch soon!

           [13:03] You: hi sorry late reply, I was having lunch with my co-workers, couldn’t use my phone during.

           [13:03] You: I hope your lunch was good😁

You briefly grimaced at how robotic your reply sounded before returning to Hoseok who had sent another text.

           [13:03] Hobi: don't leave me on seen please😢

           [13:03] Hobi: noona noona noona noona noona

           [13:04] You: hoba hoba hoba hoba hoba

           [13:04] Hobi: YAY

           [13:04] You: how can I help you?

           [13:05] Hobi: can you deliver lunch to hyung?😁

           [13:05] Hobi: I would do it myself but I'm currently helping Seokjin hyung and Namjoon with the dance

           [13:06] Hobi: and we both know Yoongi hyung wouldn't eat on time if I do it

           [13:06] Hobi: can you do it for me?🥺

           [13:06] You: sure, you guys still in the dance practice room?

           [13:07] Hobi: ur a life saver

           [13:07] Hobi: an angel in disguise

           [13:07] Hobi: but yes😁

           [13:08] Hobi: just knock on the door when you're here😁

“Y/N?” Jihae asks and you look back up to see your group waiting for you.

“Who is it?” Nabi adds.

“Better be news of Alexa getting fired. If not, I don't want to hear it.” Minhyuk says as he crosses his arms. You shook your head and he threw his hands up in frustration.

“Got asked to help with something but I'll be back in a moment.”

With a brief goodbye, you turned back to the elevator and directed yourself to the floor where the dance practice rooms are at. 

The walking distance from the elevator is not too far from the dance room but seeing five familiar teenage boys speaking in hushed whispers and hitting each other's arms in front of the vending machine just a feet away from the door easily distracted you.

If they had been crowding around the machine, you would've thought they were fighting over the last snack but instead they were all facing the same direction as your destination.

Sneaking up to the five giants, you're slowly introduced to the dilemma they were hitting and pushing each other for.

“You're the oldest, you should go and knock!”

“Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean I should always be the first! Why are you even ordering me around?! Go ask Huening Kai instead!”

“Why me? I can't talk in Korean, I-I’m foreigner .”

“Oh don't you pull that shit on us. How are you only a foreigner when it matters?!”

“What are we talking about?”

Three shrill screams pierced through the air as the five of them jumped back, awkwardly long bodies falling against and clutching onto each other for dear life, all of them huddling onto the next body for protection. But once they recognize you, Yeonjun immediately regains composure and breaks off from the cluster to stomp over to you with his bottom lip jut out as he dramatically latches onto your arm.

“Noonaa, why would you scare us like that?!”

When you first met Yeonjun, he was standing in front of the cafeteria bar in front of the exhausted cashier and the long irritated line of workers, peering up onto the menu before looking down to count his money. He looked like a little kid lost in the sea of busy adults, painfully alone and helpless as the hungry customers behind him began to complain loudly.

He had been holding up the line as he recounted his change once more, hoping he had miscounted and that he could afford what he was eyeing. Seeing his hopeful expression crumble into defeat was enough to make you approach him and buy him lunch. 

Yoongi had teased you when he found you being trailed by another kid, saying you were collecting every doe eyed kid in the company and becoming their reliable older sister. Especially when his soulmates began to follow his footsteps.

“What were you guys doing? Fighting against who gets the last chip?”

Beomgyu then ran to wrap his arms around yours, the sweetest and most innocent smile plastered on his face as the two boys began to walk you forward, the destination? The dance studio.

“You know that we love you right, noona?”

Why these kids are genuinely intimidated by your sweet Hoba is beyond you. The man screams and flinches at the smallest of bugs daring to exist two feet away from him. Still, you entertained them with a raise of an eyebrow and Yeonjun continued.

“Our favorite make-up noona, the greatest sister figure we have ever had, my savior and my salvation, our dearest credit—”

“Okay, what do you guys want?”

You all stopped in front of the dance room door. IDOL was blasting on the other side of the wall, the floor vibrating with the beat. Although muffled, you could pick up the sound of shoes squeaking against the floor and heavy footsteps accompanying the song.

“Could you pretty please knock on the door?” Beomgyu asks, pleading and also hopeful and the rest of his brothers chimed from behind you with their own versions of the request which ended up sounding like a bunch of warbled words.

“Couldn't you have done that yourselves?”

“But they're busy and J-Hope sunbae is scary.” Taehyun quietly adds behind you.

“Hoba? He's the sweetest though?”

“Okay, let's not lie to ourselves now,” Huening Kai shoots back before motioning to the door. “Just… knock and we'll handle it from there. We promise!”

“Cross our hearts.” Taehyun says, drawing  a cross over his chest. The other four follow.

Dance teacher Hoseok to you is a hoax. You've never been subjected to his intense scrutiny and harsh perfectionist side, always managing to slip past or only being able to meet him outside of the workplace where he'd be far relaxed and cheerful. 

Sure there's been plenty of photographic and recorded evidence posted in the group chat but you still find it hard to believe he's more frightening than the bugs that scare him off the room.

“He's not that scary, guys.”

Taehyun scoffs. “Easy for you to say.”

“Crush privileges.” Soobin quietly adds.

“What—”

The door swings open before you could ask what he meant and Jungkook steps out of the room. 

In a span of a second, the memories of his drunken confession flashed before your eyes. From the moment he had entered your home with bags of snacks to the way his voice had sounded, hushed and shaky, when he asked you for a kiss.

Seeing him again outside the concert where Namjoon and Yoongi had made sure there were no contacts between the two of you, evoked a weird sense of longing within you. Having absolutely no contact with Jungkook for two days had you missing and recollecting your past memories with him. In the short amount of time you've been away, you wondered about many things.

From something as headache-inducing variations of hows and whys questioning his attraction to you to something more simple and short like ‘how is he feeling right now?’.

It was a dumb question with an obvious answer yet you wanted to know. Curiosity and anxiety clawing at your chest. 

Is your friendship still okay? 

Did rejecting someone this time finally ruin your entire dynamic with the group? 

Should you have chosen someone as your sister had told you to do? 

They have plagued your mind and haunted you in your waking days yet the moment you finally see him, your mouth dries up and your voice dies in your throat.

But before you could even muster the courage to talk to him, he turned his attention to the boys who had retreated behind you the moment the door opened and greeted them with a short bow before walking away, completely ignoring you. Pain blooms in your chest like a thorned vine wrapping and strangling your heart tighter and tighter as you watch his back disappear around the corner.

“Did sunbae just ignore noona?”

“Is that even possible?”

“I didn't hallucinate that, right?”

“Noona, are you okay?” Soobin’s concerned voice, soft and cautious, brings you back to reality and you turn to them, a precariously built smile on your face.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

The five shared a look as you stepped into the studio, exposing you to the two figures laid on the floor, heaving and panting. The main topics of your thoughts sitting at the far corner next to the black plastic table while Hoseok stood in the middle of the room, unaffected by whatever had happened and was chugging the water from the small bottle in hand.

As if he had grown a sixth sense for you, he suddenly spun around, a wide grin brightening his stern face.

“Noona!”

At this, the two men on the floor perks up. Namjoon merely waves before promptly dropping back down, Jimin and Taehyung only smiled at you, looking spent from whatever routine Hoseok had them do before turning to the two tallest. Seokjin had pushed himself up to stand and approach the black plastic table from the other end of the room where a dozen take outs were.

As Hoseok approached you, his gaze then found the cluster of five heads peeking through the sides of the entrance and laughed.

“You’ve got five ducklings following you, noona, didn't know you started collecting more after our maknaes.” He jokes before turning to the teens and waving them over. The group then spread to occupy the space in the doorway and bowed. “What can I do for you guys?”

They suddenly disappear behind the wall but you hear them hitting each other and their whisper-shouts, it took a long while before Soobin was pushed out of the shadow and forced to talk to their sunbae. The painfully shy teen shuffles over, shoulders folded forward and taking the smallest of steps forward before stuttering a bow.

A wide smile brightens Hoseok's face, endeared by the boy’s overly formal actions.

“H-Hi sunbae.”

“Hello, Soobinie.”

“We-we we're just wondering if we-we could watch you guys? Practicing dancing I mean—Not that you sunbaes need it cause you're professionals!—I mean of course you still need to practice to be better at dancing and—wait no—”

“ Yah Soobin, stop embarrassing us like this!” Yeonjun scolds and immediately, the boy almost broke his neck with how face he looked over his shoulder.

“Then go do it yourself!”

“We don't mind, as long as you guys stay in a corner like good kids then we'll all be good!” Hoseok cuts in before an argument ensues.

There's a tap on your shoulder and you look over to see Seokjin standing behind you, a gentle smile playing on his plush lips, both hands hidden behind him.

There's an awkwardness that hung in the air as you both gazed into each other's eyes before he cleared his throat and began.

“Have you eaten yet?”

“Yes.” You lie. Jin caught it.

Turning to face him fully, he then takes one of your hands and forces your fingers to hold the neatly folded top of a paper takeout bag.

“I've packed Yoongi’s portion here as well as an extra for you.”

“You didn't need to, I already ate.”

“I even had them order some soft tofu soup, you were craving it last week, right?”

It was sweet being loved so selflessly by him. It tasted like the sweetest nectar from the garden of Eden with a foul aftertaste once your mind reminded you of your sins against the man and the thorned tendrils of guilt coiled tighter around your chest, its sourness easily overlapping the sweetness of his love.

After Jungkook pretending you didn't exist earlier, having Jin, someone who you didn't even know still admired you all these years while you had messed around with many faces and came to work with some of their marks on your skin, expressing his care had you almost bursting at the seams. 

It enrages you thinking about Alexa going around spreading her bullshit spiel about being Jin’s soulmate. As if she deserved a morsel of his attention.

Nobody deserves Seokjin, not even you.

“Thank you Jinnie, but I already ate.” You then remembered your promise to return to your friends soon. “And Jihae is expecting me back immediately.”

“Coffee and toast is not lunch.” He deadpans as he takes your hand and forces it to close around the pack. “Just eat it with Yoongi, he'd be happy to be able to eat with someone and I’ll handle Jihae noona.”

“How the hell did you know what I had for lunch?”

Shock crossed over his face and he brought a hand over his mouth. “I was right? I just had a hunch on what you ate.”

“That’s a bit creepy, old man.”

“Maybe it’s a soulmate mark manifesting.” He shrugs but you doubt he meant it in a joking way.

“You’re way past the age, give it up hyung.” 

You both turned to the door at Jungkook’s voice. Like earlier, he had strode in without acknowledging your presence, something Seokjin had noticed immediately. His eyes slid to the five boys tentatively pushing each other to the empty corner of the studio before looking back at their youngest.

“How could you insult me like this? I fed you with my hands, you should be addressing me formally with a full 90° bow!” 

“I should’ve bitten your hands at least once back then.” Jungkook jokingly muses.

Before you could witness their banter explode, there’s a tug on your shirt and you spun around to face Hoseok who had nudged his head to the door. Jin had already marched towards the maknae before you could even thank him so you left.

Once you were both outside the studio, Hoseok closed the door behind and hugged you.

“Wh-what is this?”

“A thank you hug for being the sacrifice and feeding the grumpy dragon instead.” He says with a laugh but you knew what he was trying to do. It was in the way he tried soothing you with back rubs and this tight hug.

“I’m fine, Hoba. I didn’t expect us to be buddy buddy again after what happened.”

He sighed.

“He still shouldn’t have done that. I’m sure Seokjin hyung will talk to him about it later.”

Stepping back, you shook your head. “No need, I understand why he’s acting like that.”

His eyes regarded your face for a moment before pulling you back in for a hug and nuzzling his head on top of yours. “You don’t have to defend him noona, he’s acting like a child. It's our duty as his hyungs to fix that up.”

“Please don’t. It feels like you’re taking sides, he might think it's unfair.”

He laughs. “Are you kidding? ‘Cause from what I’m seeing, he’s being a petulant child. He should handle the rejection with more grace when it's his fault he’s in this predicament. You know Seokjin hyung warned him, right?”

“He told me when he and Tae took him home.”

“Then you should know better than defend him.” You opened your mouth to refute but he pressed a finger to your lips. “Don't start. He's not the same sixteen years old we had to raise back then, he needs correcting.”

With two hands on your shoulders, he then spun you around and began to push you towards the elevator, leaving no room for an argument. 

Once he had led you back to the locomotive, he briefly stepped in to push the correct button for the production floor and stepped back and waved as the elevator wall slowly closed to a shut.

“Now go feed hyung and yourself before you go back to work. Thank you again noona and see you later."

“Special delivery for a grumpy hairless cat!”

A beat.

Then came a grumbled: “Come in.”

Punching the proper strings of numbers on the door code, you open the door to the genius lab to find Yoongi sitting in front of his computer, one ear off of his headphones as he goes back to a specific second again and again.

Situating yourself on the couch next to the door, you place the paper bag on the coffee table and slowly unload all its contents, hoping its smell is enough to deter him from his work just for a second.

Taking one of the containers, you open it to see bulgogi generously sprinkled on top of rice. The savory smell of the dish wafting out almost immediately, and Yoongi visibly perks up from his table; if perking up meant him temporarily stopping his incessant clicking and head tilting a little to the side.

“Is it all bulgogi?”

Placing down the container, you opened the other one to reveal the same dish except this time with fried rice.

“Yeah, you want fried rice or no?”

“Whatever you like less.” He grumbled as he returned to his work.

“That's not a proper answer.”

“Just take whatever you want, I like either.” He muttered.

Staring at the food on the table, you found yourself at a crossroads. The fried rice looks more appetizing than the plain white rice on the other container but you've had enough sodium for the week, having challenged Taehyung, Jimin and Jin to who can eat more ramyeon in one sitting the day before the concert.

But today just doesn't feel like a plain rice type of day. 

But fried rice isn't healthy.

“Just choose please, I don't know what I want either.” You groaned out, frustrated.

With a grunt, the man took off his headphones and turned to face you before maneuvering himself closer to the table and picking up the container with the plain rice.

“Stop thinking so much about what is healthy or not,” He remarked as he took a pair of chopsticks from the paper bag. “I could hear your thoughts even with my headphones on and my back turned.”

“Then why tell me to choose if you already knew?”

Yoongi only shrugged as he took his first bite, prompting you to take yours. He seems to mull over something as he chews, staring at the food on the table for a while before placing the container down and leaving the room without a word.

You had learned not to question his confusing actions throughout the years, even then you couldn't help but be bewildered.

When he returned, he was carrying two drinks in one hand. Sprite and Kombucha. Settling back on his chair, he placed down the bottle of Kombucha in front of him before opening the can of sprite and placing it in front of you.

“I don't have any straws on me so you'll have to just chug it.”

People don't usually notice it but you think Jin and Yoongi are more similar in how they show their affections, just in different volumes. Seokjin’s care is always voiced out, always asking whether you want something or not and offering to do or make it for you while Yoongi just somehow always knows what you want and does it wordlessly. Both of them are always willing to provide.

If you had asked them for something as ludicrous as fried cotton candy with melted cheese on top, Jin would complain and express his disgust openly, ranting about the strenuous process while holding the handle of the pan and a spatula in the other while Yoongi would cook it without questioning your sanity.

Either way, it never fails to make your chest warm.

“Thank you, Yoongs.”

He suddenly takes a huge bite, bringing the container close to his face before humming out his response, easily flustered as ever.

You both eat your food in silence. With years of friendship under your belt, you have learned to enjoy the serenity Yoongi brings. It had been rough at the start, his quietness matched with his stoic expression had often led to misunderstandings where you often thought he thinks of you badly for being close to his brothers, especially after Jin’s confession.

He had confronted you once he heard it from Namjoon—who had immediately tattled onto his hyung after you had told him not to tell anyone—, saying he simply had problems expressing himself. You could remember how his hands, despite being entangled with each other, shook with his voice, could recall how he had forced himself to hold eye contact with you when he always had difficulties in holding one.

It was thoughtful and that was the first time you had felt the tingles of warmth in your chest. Teenage you had her feet swept off by a stuttering mess of a guy with eye contact issues.

Despite Jin being the first in the group to confess, Yoongi was the first to touch your heart.

“Why are you looking at me like that?’

You tilt your head. “Like what?”

A conflict of emotion crossed his eyes as he struggled to find the words but before he could, your phone vibrated from your pocket.

           [13:54] Guwon: I'm at the cafe close to your building

You almost choked on your spit, surprised by his message. His office was on the other side of the city, why would he drive so far just to get some coffee with you during work days? 

Love , a voice answers and you immediately waved it off.

There was no way he had fallen in love with you in such a short time. You have been on two dates with him yet he hadn't asked you to be his girlfriend when there's been multiple times throughout those days and nights he had the chance to do so.

During nights where you'd restlessly toss around on your bed, you found yourself facing one more problem outside of your friends.

You didn't notice when it started when Guwon began to make your stomach churn and it bothers you to the nines at how you were being suspicious of him.

Guwon is a genuinely nice guy with a legit and grand background from what you learned throughout the short time you've been hanging out, his case stories of helping out women stuck in abusive relationships and bringing justice to those the law has failed once proven true when you've typed his name on Naver. The man didn't deserve the doubt twisting in your stomach nor the aversion you were slowly gaining towards him.

Your conflicting feelings surrounding your friends' confessing and odd behaviors shouldn't be affecting your relationship with the man you will marry at some point yet it ended up doing so.

There was something foul and bitter simmering in your guts these days whenever you force yourself to think about him during your time. It burns like bile and tasted like betrayal, almost like unfaithfulness ; you try not to think hard on why you feel this way but it's hard not to when Jimin and Taehyung's jealousy keeps flashing behind your eyelids with every blink.

           [13:55] You: Oh wow, which one?

           [13:55] Guwon: The one on the left side, Areum Cafe.

           [13:55] Guwon: Are you free to get a cup of coffee with me?

           [13:56] Guwon: Sorry for springing this up on you

           [13:55] Guwon: I missed you🙁

“Who is it?”

“It's Guwon,” You say, scratching your head. “He says he's at the cafe down the road and wants to meet up.”

Yoongi placed down his food and stared at you, long and hard. Cat-like eyes narrowed and observing as he leaned back on his chair. You feel his eyes regard your body language before sighing.

“I assume you need help getting out? I'm not as… bold as the younger ones but I think I can help… somehow”

His appearance would surely help tamper down the discomfort that had bloomed with the recent revelations. Yoongi is intimidating as he is caring, having him next to you would ensure you a shorter time spent with the man, as well as prohibit him from pulling another surprise kiss on you.

But why are you so uncomfortable spending time with Guwon anyways?

You didn't have any problems before, even wanted to sleep with him the night prior so why now?

“How’d you know I need help?”

“You looked like your mother just told you to come to another date.”

Immediately, you ironed out the frown you didn't realize had marred your face. 

“I thought you would've been delighted you've finally met your match?”

“I-I am.”

Yoongi clicks his tongue, the sound echoing louder in the silence of the room. “Try again. A little more sure this time.”

You sighed and relented, knowing the man wouldn't let you take a step out of the door if you lied to him again.

“Everything just started feeling wrong for some reason.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, eyes widening with surprise. “How so?”

“You know, when Jimin and Taehyung came over last night to make sure I got home safe, they were acting strange towards Guwon.” When he made no move to respond, you continued. “When Guwon suddenly kissed me, Taehyung looked… scary. Jimin too, if you can believe it.”

“I actually do.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Yoongi goes silent again, mulling over something as his gaze finally met yours for the first time that day. “For someone so perceptive, you're a bit oblivious.”

“What is it?”

“I won't elaborate, I'll let you realize things on your own.”

You groaned, facepalming because ain't no way Yoongi just added more fuel to the forest fire that is your thoughts. The man doesn’t even look aware of what his words had done, reaching over and innocently sipping on his kombucha once more.

“Back to what you were saying, why do you think it felt wrong to see Guwon?”

With his calm voice and the deafening silence of the room, you found yourself comparing Yoongi, who even has his hands folded over his crossed jean-clad legs, to a therapist and laughed.

“Didn’t know I was due for a therapy session when I dropped off your lunch.”

“Well I did, so deal with it,” He placed down his bottle. “Do you need my help or not?”

“Is breathing important? Obviously yes.”

He nods and stands, but not before saying, “I hope you know this conversation is far from over.”

While his presence had given you more peace of mind, leaving the BigHit building with Yoongi—who had forgone his usual outdoor style of beanies and big prescription glasses matched with a black mask in order to appear more intimidating, claiming the beanie softens his edges, something you playfully rolled your eyes at—still felt like walking into your doom.

The moment he steps out of the building, suddenly everyone's eyes are on him. The cool stoicness surrounding him commanded attention and the people listened without complaint, not when Yoongi looked like every highschool teenager's bad boy wet dreams.

Strolling into the cafe is easier with Yoongi trailing behind you like a guard dog; or in his case, a guard panther.

There's something about having the rapper, who has never shown a hint of romantic attraction to you in all your years being their friend, accompanying you to meet the man you might marry once the discomfort born from conflicting feelings subsides. It makes your heart jittery and your stomach twisting uncomfortably, the nerves from meeting Guwon only adding fuel to the fire.

It felt improper somehow, as if you were breaking an invisible rule you're yet to uncover from the depths of your soul.

The tempting aroma of freshly baked buttery goods and roasted coffee beans greeted you the moment Yoongi had pushed the door open for the both of you. In the controlled volume of mixed chatters from different tables, a calm acoustic instrumental flies through the air and you almost forgot what you came here for. 

It didn't take long for you to find Guwon sitting on the table farthest from the entrance, secluded and away from the wide glass pane windows. When the door had opened with a chime, the man had raised his head from his phone and met your eyes. You try not to linger on how his expression stiffened when he realized you had Yoongi in tow before a smile wipes it away.

“You see him?” Yoongi’s voice grumbled from behind and you nod. Guwon stands, the sound of the chair scraping against the floor catching his attention. “That him?”

“Yeah, I don't think he's happy I brought you with me.”

He chuckled lightly. “Good.”

Guwon met you both halfway, arms opened wide to greet you with a hug and you let him. When you pull away, his hand casually falls to your waist and your skin scrawls . 

Immediately, Yoongi’s eyes drop to look at it but before any hint of emotion breaks onto his face, his cool eyes are already back on your suitor’s face.

“Which one of your kids am I given the pleasure of meeting this time?” Guwon asks before offering his free hand to Yoongi who had taken it with a carefully crafted blank expression and unrelenting stare.

Seeing him remain in eye contact with Guwon surprises you. The man, even after your years of being friends, had never held eye contact for longer than five seconds outside the time he had opened up to you about his struggle with expressing himself.

It made you curious. Why is he provoking him? Is he testing Guwon?

“I'm not one of her kids, I'm actually older than her. Min Yoongi.”

“Yoo Guwon, a pleasure to meet you.”

Even when both their hands had long pulled away from each other, their eyes lingered longer. Challenging on Guwon's part, and taunting on Yoongi's as he stared back, completely unfazed.

Seeing them silently engage in a dick measuring contest, something you didn’t expect Yoongi to ever partake in since he had been loud in his distaste for his own gender, irked you. The tightening grip on your waist didn't help, wanting nothing but to slap it off if it wasn't for your promise to your mother to not fuck this up.

‘If you don't tell them what you're uncomfortable with, then they'll continue on doing it. The other guys out there aren't like us who'd feel guilty if we knew, I fear that they might take advantage of you instead, noona.’ Hobi’s voice echoes in your mind.

Sorry Hoba, I'm trying to make this work. But if this behavior continues, then I'll listen to you.

“I thought you idols are often more busy than the average folk?”

Yoongi sucks air through his teeth before responding. “We were in the middle of a fitting prior. I hope you don't mind me keeping watch, can't have our staff getting distracted by heartthrobs like you.”

Guwon laughed, a little louder than usual.

“She's been telling you guys about me?”

“All the good things, don't worry.” He then turns to you, eyes searching your face for a hint of extreme discomfort before continuing. “I'll go order the others some food.”

Sparing one last nod of his head at the man next to you, Yoongi then turns towards the counter to order. The moment he was out of earshot, dread drops onto your stomach like an anvil and you looked up at the Guwon whose eyes were already trained onto yours, a lazy smile stretched on his lips.

“I assume you’ll be needed back once he’s done?”

“ Yeah, I’m sorry it's just… Wrong timing.”

He waves you off. “Nonsense, it’s my fault for bringing you out of your work. They won’t fine you for this, right?”

“I went with one of my bosses, of course they won’t.”

His eyes studied your face for a moment, searching. For what? You don’t want to know. When he had found whatever it was, his face melts into a softer, more mellow expression and your heart clenches. The outpouring of awe in his eyes felt heavy and thick, it clogs up your throat and weighs your already strained form.

“I missed you.” He whispers with the sweetest of voices. “Did you miss me?”

“I-I do, kept thinking about you...”

The lie weighted like lead on your tongue and burned like acid. Compared to the genuineness practically dripping from his lips, your words fall short in your ears. With the way his softened expression crumpled into a frown, you knew he also noticed the hesitance in your voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry. With the tour being so close and more sponsorship offers coming in, it got a bit stressful than usual.”

When his arms reach around your shoulders and pull you flush to his chest, you will yourself not to tense. You were both hugging in the middle of the coffee shop and you could feel the nearby patron’s stare pressing onto your body, judging and unpleasant. Embarrassment burns your cheeks and the desire to push him away grows.

Even Jimin and Taehyung doesn’t dare to get affectionate in public, none of your friends ever did anything more than a hand on your shoulder to lead you to the correct direction or a pat on the back when Jungkook had more sleep and food ingested, and and you just happen to be assigned to him that day.

You wanted nothing more but to tell him to back off but the words got stuck in your throat. 

“Just a tip, she doesn’t like PDA so maybe step away?”

Immediately, Guwon scrambles off of you. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Guwon says, his hand falling from your shoulder and down to your arm. You shivered.

A firm and familiar hand lands on your shoulder and Yoongi tugs you back to stand next to him. There’s a set in jaw as his eyes narrowed down at Guwon, the hand replacing Guwon on your arm is tense and rigid but not enough to hurt. 

You sensed that he had a lot to say once you were out of sight, all of them expressing his distaste for the man you’re set to eventually marry. Even when you were all standing there, you could already imagine the curses and nitpicked details pouring out of his lips.

“We’ll be going back now,” Yoongi says to Guwon, voice tight as if holding back his emotions as he curtly bowed. “Our leader is already demanding us to come back so we’ll have to cut this meeting short. It was nice meeting you.”

Guwon looked incredulous at the turn of events, eyes shuttering before he nodded in understanding and turned to flash a smile at you.

“Message me when you’re home, alright?”

Yoongi didn’t even linger long enough for you to respond, already walking away. By the time you turned to look at him, he was three gaits away from leaving the coffee shop. With a dip of your head, you sprint to follow closely behind the man now pushing through the door. 

You could understand the reason for his irritation, always the most protective out of the bunch and the one with the most to say about men. To see your closest female friend be made uncomfortable by her suitor, a stranger in his eyes, there was no doubt he’d be livid.

But why does he have to walk so fast?! 

You’re not physically built to match his pace, he takes one step and you have to do three. It was infuriating but you couldn’t exactly scream at him to slow down in public, catching the attention of other people would only create more problems than you both could take on

He eventually slows down to a halt in front of the double glass doors of the BigHit building and you were able to finally catch up to him. In the lobby, you both calmly approached the elevator, a complete juxtaposition of how hasty you two were not a moment before. 

But the moment the metal doors of the elevator shuts, isolating you and Yoongi from the rest, he begins.

“I don’t like him.”

It was stupid but you wanted to know what specific trait he had found irksome.

(Deep down, you knew you were finding a reason to stop, to let go of Guwon and stop this stupid charade.)

“He didn’t even notice you were uncomfortable earlier. When you told us that he’s good, I thought he’d be decent, not top grade bare minimum.”

“H-He was actually good, believe it or not.”

“So he's a pretentious prick?”

You sighed. “H-He just—”

“Hyung wouldn't approve.” Yoongi cuts in, his hardened eyes now piercing through yours, almost taunting you to bite back. “Not just him, everyone would. You'd break poor Jiminie’s heart if you continued seeing him once he found out how he acted today.”

You knew he was guilt tripping you and it was working. But you swore Guwon was better than the others, he had treated you with a gentleness and care your friends had shown yet something had changed after that night. 

Was Taehyung's clinginess, their presence in general, been the catalyst?

Had he felt threatened by them showing up? You had established early on that they're your boss and your mother would've mentioned your relationship with the boys in passing at least, so why would he feel threatened by them?

“I know what you're thinking but it doesn't work like that.” His voice, now softer than it had been earlier, pierces through the trance you’ve submerged into. “Even if you had said you’re only friends with them, it's human nature for us to still feel intimidated even if we're just friends.”

“That's dumb.”

He shrugged. “Men are dumb, I'm just slightly better than the rest.”

“That's debatable.” You joked and he raised an eyebrow.

“ Your taste is questionable.” He shot back and you hit his arm in response, making him laugh but it stopped as fast as it came. “I'm serious, hyung won't like it if you continue meeting Guwon.”

“I know, I can already hear him and we're not even there yet.”

“Don’t be dumb, if you want a husband so bad, tell aunt to wait for me to renew our contract next year and I'll marry you.” 

He meant it as a joke, you knew that, but you couldn't stop the butterflies in your stomach from fluttering wildly. You're suddenly reminded of a scene from years ago, his alcohol-flushed cheeks pulled taut by the dopey smile stretching his lips wide and his slurred voice admitting something you—until today—have no recollection of what had been uttered.

You both have been battered to the nines, drunken out of your minds and stumbling over the smallest rocks on the street by the time Seokjin and Namjoon had found you halfway home. It was a miracle you both got off unscathed with how giggly and dumbed down you were.

“Bold of you to assume I'd say yes.”

“I got wealth, I got a good mug on me, what else would you need?”

“Seokjin also got those.”

He pondered long and hard, sucking air through his teeth before he turned to you again with a playful glint in his eyes.

“You know what they say about my tongue right?”

He couldn’t say he didn’t expect the punch in the arm that followed soon after.

When the elevator door opens and you both go straight for the dance studio, the conversation about Guwon is put on pause and you dread the moment Seokjin hears what had transpired in the coffee shop when suddenly, Yoongi stills and hissed out a curse.

“ Shit , I forgot Jungkook’s muffins.”

[crocheting-cupio]

"Do I Have A Crush?" Quizzes as an Aromantic

In a previous post I had mentioned that I love taking "do I have a crush?" quizzes as an Aromantic. What I didn't share in that post was all of my findings from taking basically every quiz on that topic I could find. This is gonna be a bit of a long one, but I hope it will be an enlightening one!

Being an aro and taking these quizzes is pretty interesting. Because I do get plushes, which for me share some qualities with crushes, but are a completely different experience as a whole. For lack of a better equivalent, I have used my plushes while taking these quizzes. This will become relevant later on.

Anyway, here are my findings:

1. The target demographic for these quizzes is teenage girls. Well, the majority of online quizzes are intended for teenage girls. But these ones are especially designed for teenage girls. It's often painfully obvious by the way they are written, the answers available, and the scenarios provided. About crushes specifically though, this makes sense. Most people have their first crush during their teenage years. So the next logical step is to be curious about these new feelings and take an online quiz to figure out what's going on. Why only girls, though? Hard to say. It could be because they assume boys generally feel more confident in their romantic interest and thus would have no need for such a thing. Worth noting it was very hard to find a TRULY gender inclusive quiz. There's tons of wlm and wlw, but almost nothing for mlw or mlm. And if you're nonbinary or your crush is nonbinary, good fucking luck. The vast majority of them rely on some sort of gender stereotype. So many of these are clearly written from the perspective that you are a cishet woman interested in a cishet man. In multiple quizzes I have actually found typos where instead of using they/them, they accidentally use he/him in one question, almost like it had been up for a few years, then someone edited it later and missed one. A freudian slip if I ever saw one.

2. Practically all of them assume you are currently attending high school I understand that this is the time when most people get their first crush... but there are people who only crush on celebrities and fictional characters until they are an adult. This is not an extremely uncommon occurrence. So as you can imagine, there are a lot of questions that ask about how you interact with this person at school. Usually the addition of "or at work" feels like an afterthought. Some quizzes I've come across don't even consider that an adult might be taking the quiz. Like the question just openly states that you are at school.

3. They frequently assume that your crush is NOT someone in your friend group. This is probably the most interesting one to me personally. Because I myself cannot get a plush on someone until I've known them as a friend for at least three months. And I know plenty of non-aro people that need to get to know someone as a friend before developing romantic feelings. It's just... such an oddly specific assumption, y'know? They don't even consider that maybe this person is already in your friend group (unless you are talking specifically "do I have a crush on my best friend" quizzes). They just doesn't consider that the way you feel about someone can change over time. It's love at first sight or you will never feel that way about that person, I guess. (I think this is more teenager shenanigans. Because "am I about to enter a relationship with an abusive guy" doesn't appear to be the concern. Just that both or either friend group might not approve...?)

4. They generally assume your crush is a stranger or someone you do not know very well. Related to the previous one, this one is kind of weird to me. I understand the concept of love at first sight, but these are "do I have a crush" quizzes, not "is this love at first sight" quizzes. Almost every quiz I took had a least one question that assumed you had fallen in love with someone you have never spoken to. And often for answers on other questions instead of including an "I'm on the fence for how I feel about this person" option in the answers, which would be pretty logical to include, they have an option that says "N/A because I don't actually know them." However, the "do I have a crush on my best friend" quizzes are an exception to this. Instead they often assume you are spending every single free moment of time you have with this person.

5. If you have a crush on your best friend, you have either terribly misinterpreted you feelings and theirs, or they will never feel the same way about you. Um, yeah... I guess some people just can't tell the difference between romantic attraction and just being really good friends. But an important note: I think in some cases there's definitely outside pressure saying that two people "should" be in a romantic relationship simply because they are close platonically. Making those people question how they feel. Hence the existence of these quizzes. I can definitely feel that pressure while taking them.

6. They assume that your friends are all a certain type of person and your relationship with them is very specific. So here's the common assumptions I found across most quizzes:

Your friends are the type of people that are very invested in the love lives of everyone in that friend group. (And also outside of your friend group...)

Your friends are the type of people that will tease you about your romantic interests instead of being supportive.

You talk frequently about your love interests, love life, or lack there of with your friends. (Before you say "What? Everyone does that!" Not everyone does that.)

You are the only person questioning your feelings, everyone else is certain you have a crush.

Thankfully a teenage friend has informed me that this is 100% a teenager behaviour that happens all the time. Although I have seen cases where women under the age of 25 can also do this. I would go into detail about each of those but I think how these are not good assumptions to make is pretty self explanatory. You don't know me, you don't know what my friends are like, stop saying your experiences are universal. I will say blindly trusting the quiz taker's friends is not as reliable of a choice as it sounds. Sometimes people will just call any fond feelings for someone, platonic or not, a crush. And they sometimes will insist that person has a crush even if they say that they do not have a crush and simply want to be friends. And after awhile it can get to your head and feel like the only opinion that matters.

7. They assume this person is someone who you know/you regularly see in real life. In every quiz I took they asked at least one question that I could not answer because the plush I was using for all of these is someone I only know online. Specifically, it was some variant of "how often do you stare at them?" I understand this is a defining part of having a crush for most people, but I was rarely even given the option to say that this person and I are not regularly in the same room. Okay, let's say a teen girl gets a crush on a boy on from another school during like a sports game. She cannot answer this particular question truthfully either because imagining how often you'd stare at someone you met once if you were regularly in the same room with accuracy is not easy.

8. They assume you have the biggest crush, as anything less could lead to negative results from the quiz. Because I do not experience the same feelings, sometimes answering these questions truthfully is very difficult because my options are usually like this:

Q. If your crush asked you to hang out, how would you react?

OMG YES YES YES!!!

Well, we hang out all the time (as friends) so this is just a normal Tuesday for us.

I haven't even introduced myself to this person so they literally cannot ask me to hang out.

I'd make an excuse to not go.

And none of this is even close to how I feel about my plush. Or even about my friends. I cannot answer this question with 100% honesty. Legitimately, I've felt like I've gotten "you don't have a crush" results for the simple reason that I am not head over heals for my plush. Often it was either "every thought in my mind is of them" or "they're alright, I guess." But you can see how only the first option, with the most intense feelings, suggests that you have a crush. The other three options are either completely neutral feelings or suggest dislike. And since that's what people are taking this quiz to figure out, almost everyone is going to pick the first option. It might as well be just "would you hang out with your crush if they asked you, yes or no?"

So these quizzes are built on the assumption that you do, in fact, have a crush. You just want those feelings validated.

"Okay that's great Snowy, but what results did you get from these quizzes as an aromantic?"

Well, I didn't write down exact numbers since there were so many quizzes I took over about an eight month period. Some of them I took multiple times months apart and got different results. But I'd say about 60% said I had a crush, or was likely to have a crush. And 40% said I did not, or it wasn't likely to be a crush.

The funny part?

When I took some of those I didn't have a plush on anyone at the time. I was just using how I felt platonically about a close friend as the "crush." And while this did sway the results, it was not by much. Turning it more into a 50/50 chance.

No plush, no sexual attraction, they are JUST my friend. And yet, the results screen tells me I am deeply in love with them about half of the time.

When I said they assume you do have a crush, I really meant it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, I have actually made my own "do I have a crush" quiz that hopefully avoids doing everything I just talked about. No assumptions about the person you may have feelings for, no assumptions about your friends, no assumptions about you, who you are, or why you are taking it in the first place.

It's password locked since I'd like to get results strictly from people who find this post on Tumblr (for now). So type in this word when prompted:

conformity

Thank you for reading all the way to the end. I spent a long time with all the research and writing so it means a lot to me. 💖

[alpydk]

When my dad died, the first thing I did was go shopping for chocolate. I made jokes. The world around me didn't exist. I went into an autopilot to show that it didn't bother me. It couldn't bother me because he was an asshole. Chase's quote repeatedly went over in my mind, one that I wished those around me would understand. One that I had heard when I was a depressed teenager. Never had I been so seen, someone who just got it. It wasn't about the abuse; it was about my dad never being there.

"I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments." - Chase (Cursed [1.13])

Before he died, we hadn't spoken in 5 years. Like Chase, I had stopped loving my father. I didn't hate my dad either. There we simply too many disappointments. There was no huge fight, no storming out. There was just silence. And like Chase's father, mine tried the half-arsed attempt to make things right without ever actually apologising. After he died suddenly, I did not go to the funeral. I had no right to be there, I and others felt. My partner was keen to point out that I shouldn't waste the energy on someone who wasn't there for me. And on the surface, I agreed. Anger was much more productive than the guilt that was simmering beneath the surface. Guilt that wished I could apologise for being the bad child. For being so stubborn and immature, rather than just talking to him. Maybe he would have forgiven me, maybe he would have said he was proud. Maybe there would have been another disappointment. I write this because a few days ago I read a fic about Chase's reaction to his father's death and it's not sat well with me since. A character that I related to so much, reduced to a cliche breakdown of sobbing instantly and grieving so easily, rather than the nuanced levels of emotions that simmer and burst constantly, emotions that are fought against because neither father nor son deserve them. Emotions that aren't just sadness and loss, but guilt, so much fucking guilt. There's anger at everyone involved, denial because how dare he feel about someone who treated him in such a way, and then confusion, because those feelings are still there and they hurt. I guess I needed to rant about this. I know everyone grieves differently, I know that this is my experience and I can't dictate how another would mourn, but yeah... I miss my dad, and I hate that I do.

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

Note: this request has been sitting in my messages for a long time. I wrote bits and pieces every now and then, but as it was a request which hit home hard, I ended up working a lot of real life experiences in this story, so I've shed a lot of tears too and often had to leave the fic alone for a few days. I really hope you will enjoy this read, @hb8301. Also, I loved how you requested Sihtric to be an MMA fighter, and therefore it had crossed my mind many times to work your request into the Fighter fic, but I didn't. I felt this deserved to be a standalone fic. Thank you for your patience, again, I hope it's worth the wait. also, for everyone: go here to get familiar with the symptoms of breast cancer.

Warnings: angst/fluff. focus point is reader having breast cancer and getting treatment. spoiler alert: happy ending!

pairing: Modern!Sihtric x you (f)

Summary: Sihtric was away from home, preparing for his next fight, and you had to tell him some bad news when he got home. And together, you had to face this battle.

Word count: 5,5k 

Masterlist

'Don't call me Bambi.'

*****************

A few days ago you suddenly discovered a little lump in your breast, and it had freaked you out. You went pale and started to tremble, hoping your gut feeling was wrong, but you knew better and immediately made a doctor's appointment.

Sihtric, your long time boyfriend who was also a prized MMA fighter, was preparing for his upcoming fight, which was scheduled in 5 days and, with your permission, was spending the last week before his fight at a secluded training camp with his team. This was something he always did, as his mind had to be clear and his only focus should be to win that fight. You didn't like being without him for a week, but you supported him, knowing he would mess up his chances of winning if he didn't go to camp, because you knew he could not resist the temptation back home; you. 

You wouldn't see Sihtric until next monday, the day after his fight, and you weren't present at his fight because it was abroad this time. Sihtric had reluctantly left you back home, but he understood and said he'd video call you every day, which he faithfully did.

*************

'Hey, gorgeous,' Sihtric smiled when you appeared on his screen, and he raked his hand through his long, messy hair as he sat back against a wall at the gym. You heard the sound of gloves punching bags in the background and you figured Sihtric actually didn't have time to talk, and called during a short break.

You chuckled and felt yourself blush at his words and at the sight of him. After all these years you were still in love like a pair of teenagers.

'Hey, handsome,' you said as you switched on your night light and sat up in bed.

'Did I wake you, honey?' Sihtric frowned. It was only 10 in the evening and he knew you were a night owl, just like him, so he was surprised to see you in bed. 'Are you okay, baby? You look a little pale.'

'I'm fine,' you lied, 'how's training? Still going at it I see?'

'It's going well. Fight's getting close now,' Sihtric shrugged and stopped mid sentence as he looked at you. He scratched his short, well kept beard as he tilted his head to the side while he looked deep in thought. Sihtric picked up on energies and emotions really quick, and you knew he sensed something was wrong.

'You sure you're okay, baby?' 

'I am,' you smiled, 'just tired. Had a busy day,' you chuckled lightly to which he smiled.

'Gotta keep yourself busy,' Sihtric said before he looked up at someone who wanted his attention at the gym, 'yeah, 5 minutes, okay?' he looked back at you, 'I don't have much time today, my love, I'm sorry. Few more days, then I'm all yours again.'

'I miss you, Siht,' you suddenly said with a trembling voice, which he picked up on as well.

'I miss you too, sweetie. But what's going on?' 

'Nothing, babe… I just… I wish you- you were home,' you suddenly let out a sob and started to cry.

'Honey?' Sihtric jumped up, alarmed, and as if he could just run over to you, 'baby? What is wrong?' his eyes darted all over his screen as he watched you cry, feeling completely powerless as he was a 6 hour flight away from you. 

You couldn't speak, you only shook your head and tried to smile through your tears.

'Baby, do I have to come home? Did something happen? Talk to me, love. Please, say something?'

By now the gym had gotten quiet, as everyone had heard the alarmed tone in his voice after he they saw him jump up. But like Sihtric, they had no idea what was going on.

'No- no,' you said, trying to control your emotions, 'I'm just really tired… I miss you…'

'Where is this coming from, little deer? It's not the first time I'm away from home like this...'

You smiled weakly at the way he called you 'little deer'. Sihtric had called you 'Bambi' when you first started dating, because he loved the way you looked up at him with your big eyes, and he said you reminded him of a deer. You thought it was cute but you said you didn't like being called 'Bambi', because the movie made you sad, as Bambi's mother died and Bambi also got shot, so it always made you think of death in a silly way. Sihtric had smiled sweetly at you when he said that Bambi survived and lived happily ever after, but you just couldn't get used to it. So he called you 'little deer' instead, which you thought was sweet.

'I don't know,' you sniffled, 'guess my hormones are all over the place again, you know, full Moon and all that…'

Sihtric snorted and rolled his eyes. 'You and your Moon phases,' he smiled, 'I will fight the Moon next, I swear, because I hate seeing you like this and apparently the Moon's to blame.'

You smiled again and wiped your tears.

'Hang on for a few more days, okay, baby? I'm home soon again, love. I miss you, I love you, and I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and feel you in my arms again,' Sihtric said softly before he looked up at someone in the gym again. He nodded and looked back at you and sighed. 'Hey, I gotta go, I'm sorry, honey. Promise me you'll be okay?'

'I will be okay,' you hoped.

'Good. I will be there again soon. And if you need me back home, any time, I don't care when, even if it's an hour before the fight, you call me, okay?' Sihtric rambled on, 'call me and I come straight home, yeah? I love you, baby. Miss you. Sweet dreams, sleep tight, text me when you're up?'

'I will,' you smiled tiredly, 'I love you too, honey. Good luck with your training.'

'Thank you, baby. I'm going to win this fight for you, and every fight after this one,' Sihtric smiled, 'sweet dreams, little deer.' 

He blew you a few kisses, which you returned, and then you both ended the call. You couldn't wait to see him again, but you were also dreading his return home. Because when he got back home, you'd have to tell him that you had been diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2.

*****************

Sihtric had won his fight. You had seen it live on tv and you had been running and screaming through your living room as you saw it happen. And for a moment you had forgotten all about the illness that had made a home inside your body. Until Sihtric was briefly interviewed after the fight, in the centre of the octagon while being surrounded by his team, and he had thanked everyone for their support before he turned to look straight into the camera and yelled, 'I know you're watching, little deer,' he winked, 'I love you, I fought and won for you and I'll be home again tomorrow, baby!' and Sihtric had kissed the camera before his team dragged him back to celebrate his win.

You cried when you saw it, because you loved him, missed him and you were so proud of him. But you also cried because you knew he would not take the news well, as he always told you his biggest fear was losing you.

*****************

'No,' Sihtric scoffed as he held your hands, 'no,' he shook his head and he looked at you, confused with a half smile, as if waiting for you to tell him it was all a really bad joke. 'I don't understand,' he went on, 'are… are you sure? I mean, hospitals make mistakes, right?' 

You said nothing as you watched his smile slowly fade.

'I mean… they… they,' Sihtric swallowed hard, 'can they run the tests again?' his eyes darted over your, surprisingly, calm face. 'They can check again, right, baby?' his voice became shaky as his lower lip startled to tremble, 'baby, they- they made a mistake? It has to be… I… they're wrong…'

'Sihtric,' you whispered and squeezed his hands. Your eyes teared up as you saw his tears fall down.

'They… I- I will call them,' Sihtric became angry, 'they'll run those fucking tests again and see they're wrong! I don't care how much it costs! They made a mistake!'

'Honey, please,' you whispered, 'it's not a mistake, I-'

'No!' Sihtric jumped up, 'they're lying!' he shouted through his tears and kicked over the dinner chair he just sat on. 'Fuck this fucking bullshit, fuck!' He breathed hard as his tears kept falling and walked to the garden door, which he kicked open with such force, it almost fell off its hinges, and you watched Sihtric storm outside, into the backyard. You saw how he kicked at the grass as he cursed and eventually kicked the birdhouse, which tipped over, and as he wanted to kick it again, he got his foot stuck in the house and aggressively tried to shake off the birdhouse from his ankle.

Sihtric had taken it exactly how you thought he would; not well. You had told him about the diagnosis and also made it very clear that it could be treated. It would be rough, yes, but you were lucky to have found it this early. With surgery and chemo, the doctors gave your recovery chances almost 100%. 

But you were pretty sure Sihtric hadn't heard a single word after you had taken his hands and said, 'My love, I need you to really listen to what I am going to say, and please, don't freak out…'

****************

Weeks had passed since Sihtric heard the news and had destroyed the birdhouse, because his big foot had gotten stuck in it. Your surgery was now scheduled and you had started your chemotherapy a few days ago. The plan was to shrink the tumour so you could have breast conserving surgery.

You had been rather calm, despite everything. You had faith in the treatment and you felt it was going to be okay. Afterall; it is what it is. But Sihtric was a mess. He refused to leave your side throughout the day and at night he held you tightly in his arms. 

Sihtric tried to be strong for you and helped out with every little thing, as if you were suddenly a fragile doll, and he freaked out every time you felt nausea, dizzy or had to throw up because of the chemo. But you weren't a fragile doll. You were still the same strong woman you were before your diagnosis. Except that you had felt rather sick after each chemo treatment, but other than that, you were okay. 

Regardless, you let Sihtric do whatever he wanted to help you with, because he just didn't know how to cope, and you could tell. Sihtric told you he was fine, but you knew he barely slept. At night, he would often stay up a little longer than you, and said he just wanted to watch some light tv before he joined you in bed, just to take his mind off things. But each night, when he thought you were asleep already, he'd simply break down and cry on the couch. And each night you would hear his long, desperate grunts, which he tried to muffle as he screamed and cried into a pillow downstairs, but his heartbreaking bellow simply cut through everything. 

And each night you wanted to hold him in your arms, tell him that everything would truly be okay. But you knew he was simply afraid and that he was just trying to deal with this in his own way, which was different for each person, so you had to let him cry at night as it seemed to be his only outlet since he took a break from training to be with you. And when he joined you in bed after he had calmed down, an hour later, you would simply cuddle up and tell him how much you loved him.

'I would rather die than live without you,' Sihtric said one night, as he held you.

'But I'm not going anywhere,' you reassured him, 'I'm not leaving you. This is not how I go, I promise.'

'This is the one fight I can't win for you,' he said quietly.

'Then fight with me. I need you to fight with me. And I promise you, my love, this is not going to take me down.'

'You will have to bury me, before I bury you,' Sihtric said.

'Oh, I will bury you if you destroy another birdhouse I made myself.'

'I'm sorry, little deer, I will build you a new one,' Sihtric chuckled softly in your ear and pecked your cheek.

'Baby, you have two left hands,' you giggled, 'great for punching bags and opponents, but not for building me a birdhouse.'

'Is that all my hands are good for?' Sihtric asked, and you could hear him smile as his hand trailed down your body, 'or should I remind you what else I'm good at with my hands?'

You giggled when he snuck his hand down your panties. Despite everything, Sihtric still made sure you knew how much he loved you. And while you didn't feel well enough to have sex, because it was quite a workout with him, he would still pleasure you in a way that was comfortable for you whenever you wanted it.

****************

After your second week of chemo, things became a little harder, but Sihtric still was by your side 24/7. Except for that hour after you had gone to bed already. Then he'd either scream and cry in a pillow, or go to the gym in the basement and punch a wall, instead of a bag, until his knuckles bled. But during the day, he wouldn't show you any of his pain or how scared he still was. He only wanted to make sure you were as comfortable as possible.

'Sihtric,' you said one night.

'Hm?' he hummed, looking down at you in his arms.

'What if… when I- I start to lose my hair…' you tried not to cry, because out of everything, that is what you feared the most. Which was ridiculous actually, but you couldn't help it. 'Would you s…shave my head?'

Sihtric clenched his jaw when he saw you tear up, and swallowed hard.

'Would you want me to do that?' his voice was soft. 

You nodded silently. 

'Then of course I will,' he sniffled, 'everything for you, my love, always.'

'Would… would you still love me when… when my hair…'

'Don't be silly, baby, of course I will. Always.'

***************

You just finished your 3rd week of chemo. 

You got out of the shower and blow dried your hair, as usual, but when you raked your fingers through it, you suddenly pulled out full locks of hair. You gasped and dropped the hairdryer, which broke in five pieces as it hit the floor, and about three seconds later you heard Sihtric storm up the stairs.

'Baby!' he yelled before he bursted into the bathroom, 'hey!' 

He knew you had been feeling tired and a little dizzy, so he worried you had fallen or simply fainted. Sihtric froze when he saw the broken hairdryer on the floor. And then he saw your crying face and your trembling hand, with a whole strand of hair tangled around your fingers. And without thinking he raked his own fingers through his long hair and looked bewildered. You took a deep breath and looked at him.

'I need the… the ha- hair clipper.'

Sihtric nodded and was quick to grab it and plugged it in. He looked at you and pulled you close.

'Do you want me to do it?' he asked softly, 'or will you try it yourself?'

'I'll… try it.'

Sihtric helped you with the settings as you both sniffled, and he got behind you as you looked in the mirror, ready to shave your hair off, for the first time in your life. He wrapped his arms around your waist, holding your trembling body tight, and he kissed your cheek several times.

'You got this, baby,' he whispered, 'you'll be so fucking beautiful, I just know it.'

You chuckled lightly through your tears and brought the hair clipper up… but you couldn't do it and broke down in tears again. Sihtric took the clipper out of your hands and held you even tighter.

'It's okay, my love,' he hushed you, 'don't be afraid. I know you don't want to hear it, but it will grow back before you know it.'

'I know, just… just do it, Sihtric, just get it over with,' your shoulders jerked as you cried.

Sihtric moved around you and took your chin gently, lifted it slightly up and he kissed your lips, pouring out the endless love he felt for you.

'I love you,' he whispered, 'no matter what, Bambi.'

'Don't call me Bambi,' you sniffled with a small smile.

'Actually,' Sihtric said, 'I will call you Bambi. You know why?'

You shook your head as you watched him move behind you again, and you felt his arm back around your waist.

'Because,' Sihtric said as he looked at your reflection, 'Bambi was a bad bitch who lived happily ever after.'

You snorted and wiped your tears.

'And guess what?'

'What?' you sniffled again.

'You're a bad bitch who will live happily ever after too,' Sihtric winked, and then asked if you were ready. 

You said you weren't, but told him to just do it. And he did. You closed your eyes and hid your face behind your hands as you felt your hair fall down your shoulders, over your bare arms, onto your bare feet. And when he was done, you felt Sihtric press a kiss to your shaved head and he told you that you still looked like 'a fucking goddess'.

After a long moment you finally opened your eyes and you cried at your reflection. It wasn't that bad, but you simply hated it and felt like you weren't yourself anymore. You had considered a wig, but you knew it would also raise questions, so you'd rather just be bald.

'Baby, don't cry,' Sihtric tried to hush you, 'you… you can wear beanies?'

'Baby, it's fucking summer!' you cried out, 'I… I can't hide this. Everyone,' you scoffed lightly, 'everyone will fucking stare at me, and they'll know. They'll just know and they will fucking stare and they will pity me. And I don't want any fucking pity!'

Sihtric sighed and looked at you. He honestly thought you were still breathtaking, and he hated the fact you were worried people would stare at you and treat you differently once they saw you without your long locks.

'I'll give them something to fucking stare at,' Sihtric huffed and switched on the hairclipper. And before you could even react or stop him, he started shaving his head.

'Baby, no!' you gasped, but it was already too late. You expected him to shave it all off, just like you, but he didn't, and he stopped almost halfway up his head.

'There,' Sihtric said as he rubbed one hand over his freshly shaved side and raked his other hand through the curls he had kept, 'that'll give them something to stare at.'

****************

You had gotten used to Sihtric's haircut rather fast, and you thought it actually looked really hot and you said he should keep it. He told you he might, and said he loved the way you looked too, and wouldn't mind it if you would shave your hair off again in the future some day. But you said you probably wouldn't.

About a month has passed since your chemo and your surgery was scheduled for tomorrow.

'You know,' you said as you picked at your dinner, 'you should pick up your training again, Sihtric.'

'I will when you are healed.'

'No, babe,' you smiled softly, 'don't neglect what you worked so hard for because of all this. You can still do your own things while I recover. In fact, it… it would be good for you to pick up your regular life again too.'

'My life isn't regular right now!' Sihtric raised his voice and slammed his fork down. Then he buried his face in his hands, trying to control his anger and stress about your surgery tomorrow. 'I'm sorry, baby,' he said softly and took your hand, 'I… I can't focus on anything else but you. Picking up my training would probably only do more damage as I will fight with anger, without thinking straight.'

'I understand,' you said, 'but I will have to stay over in the hospital for at least a few nights. I need to know you will be okay on your own.'

'But I'm not going back home,' Sihtric scoffed, 'I will stay with you.'

'No, you can't-'

'I'm not leaving you alone in the hospital!'

'I don't know if that's a possibility, Sihtric.'

'I will not leave you,' he said again. 

And you stopped arguing, because you knew he meant well. So you kissed his lips and his bruised knuckles, which you had already told him off about earlier.

****************

'You got everything?' Sihtric asked, just before he was about to drive you to the hospital.

'Yeah.'

'Actually,' Sihtric said and took your hand before you could walk out the front door, 'there's something…,' he reached into his hoodie and suddenly got down on one knee, 'I… I know this is not the… there's nothing romantic about this. And I'm sorry, but I- I couldn't let you leave without… without knowing if you- you will marry me?'

Sihtric held up a ring to you. You were stunned and started to cry, again.

'Of course I will,' you blubbered as Sihtric slipped the ring on your finger and kissed you while you both cried.

'I will marry you as soon as all of this is dealt with,' Sihtric promised.

***************

'What do you mean I can't stay the night!?' Sihtric said, heated.

'I'm sorry, sir, but your girlfriend-' your doctor tried to speak.

'Fiancé!'

'... F-fiancé needs to rest. She will be allowed to have visitors between 10 and 2 tomorrow.'

'So I can't even see her now?!'

'I'm sorry. The surgery went well but due to the chemo that affected her body she will need rest now.'

'No… no, I want to see her,' Sihtric scoffed, 'you can't keep me from seeing my fiancé!'

'Sir, I will have you removed if you will not listen. I am sorry. I understand this is very hard to hear-'

'What the fuck do you possibly understand about this?' Sihtric spat as he towered over the doctor. 

Sihtric was ready to throw a punch, but then he remembered you had told him to behave, even if he wasn't allowed to be near you, which you had expected. You said that if he would make a scene, he wouldn't be allowed to see you at all anymore until you came home, and you didn't know when that was.

'Fine!' Sihtric snarled, 'I'll just wait here then!'

'You can't…' the doctor tried, but gave up.

Sihtric threw his jacket on the floor, next to the door to your room. He sat down, crossed his arms, and looked up at the doctor with a clenched jaw.

'Savages,' the doctor muttered, 'all of them fighters are savages.' He threw his hands up as he shook his head and walked away.

And Sihtric would wait. He slept on the floor in the hallway, while it was actually not allowed, but the poor old man that was the night security guard didn't dare to wake him up and send him home.

************* 

You had been awake for hours already but had no idea Sihtric was right outside your door, as he was not allowed in and no one had told you about his presence. So when you suddenly heard some commotion outside at 10 in the morning, you were a little startled.

'No, you said ten! It's ten now!' Sihtric said as the doctor tried to stop him from storming in your room at exactly 10 in the morning.

'Sihtric?' you frowned as he suddenly barged in with a panicked doctor behind him.

'Baby,' Sihtric said as he ran to you, immediately tearing up and he grabbed your face to kiss you. 

You weren't sure if you felt dizzy because of the meds in your system or because the way he kissed you was incredibly arousing at that moment, but you enjoyed it all the same.

'You look rough,' you smiled when you looked at him.

'Yeah, they made me sleep on the floor,' Sihtric said as he glanced over his shoulder at the doctor, who threw his hands up in defence.

'What?' you scoffed lightly, 'but- but why didn't you just go home?'

The doctor huffed, 'that's what I sug-'

'And leave you?' Sihtric interrupted the doctor, 'never.'

**************

After a few days of hospital food you finally got to go home. Sihtric, who never left the hospital either before your release, drove you home while he looked worse than you. Back home, you showered together and he carefully helped you take care of the wound you had after your surgery, and he would continue to do so until it was all healed up. 

'Would you not mind it if... the scar...'

'Baby,' Sihtric said, 'you think I will care that you have a scar? Have you seen my face?'

**************

'Darling,' Sihtric said a few weeks after the surgery, 'the guys have been texting me non-stop. They want to come over and see you. Are you up for that?'

'Of course,' you smiled. You slowly but surely started to regain your strength the past few days and felt more like yourself again.

'Can I invite them over tonight?'

'Sure.'

'We can order pizza and watch a movie. You want that, honey? You can pick whatever you want to watch.'

'I don't mind, Sihtric,' you chuckled, 'everything's fine with me.'

Sihtric had absolutely spoiled you since you came home again. Not a day went by that he wouldn't surprise you with flowers, balloons, teddy bears, of which you had about 12 by now, or simply with your favourite food or drink. He cleaned the house, did the laundry, he cooked, everything was fine with him, as long as you could just sit back and relax. And when you craved something at midnight but didn't have it in the house, he'd use his contacts to get it as fast as possible. He did everything for you, whatever you wanted. 

Sihtric was also more than happy to please you when your sex drive slowly but surely came back again. And he was as good with his mouth and tongue as he was with his hands and fingers. You weren't fully ready yet to have sex with him, but you did obviously long to see and hear him being pleased as well, but he wouldn't let you do anything on him right now, not until you were fully recovered, because you were still tired rather fast.

'What if… what if I just kiss you, and you… you know…'

'Jerk off?' Sihtric grinned, 'yeah, that'll work for me.'

That problem was solved rather quickly. It became an almost daily routine you both enjoyed, and you even had to clean yourself up fast, minutes before Sihtric's friends came over. 

You opened the front door and were greeted by Uhtred, who held (another) gigantic teddy bear, Finan, who held a couple of balloons, and Osferth, who held a large bouquet of pink roses. They all hugged you and shed a tear. They hadn't seen you or Sihtric since this all had started, as Sihtric had isolated himself completely to take care of you.

'You look good,' Uhtred smiled, 'the bald look actually looks great.'

'Right?' you laughed, 'I got used to it. But I can't wait to have my long hair back again.'

'And you will look just as pretty,' Finan smiled.

'You are beautiful no matter what,' Osferth blushed as he handed you the roses.

'Thank you,' you chuckled as you heard Sihtric enter the hallway and the men all cheered.

'There he is!' Uhtred smiled, 'finally.'

'What happened to your hair, mate?' Finan snorted.

Sihtric had kept his half shaved cut, simply because you had fallen in love with it. You told the men about the day your hair fell out, and what Sihtric had done. And after that, they all sniffled and didn't dare to say another word about Sihtric's hair anymore.

'Oh, he also proposed,' you suddenly said.

'What?!' they all yelled, after which they pulled you both in for a group hug and cried again. They were such softies, all of them.

You all sat in the living room as you waited for the pizzas to be delivered. Sihtric had pulled you in his lap and kept his arms tightly around your waist as he nuzzled your neck and cheek ever so often, and planted soft pecks whenever he could. Sihtric never shied away from displaying his affection when others were around, but he definitely became even more affectionate after your sickness. Sihtric still struggled to talk about everything, so he simply focused on you. And you told the guys everything that had happened since Sihtric had left for the fight. You all shed a tear when you told them why you had cried during the video call that one evening, and you all laughed when you said how Sihtric had gotten his foot stuck in the birdhouse.

'He promised he'd built me a new one,' you reminded him, to which you all laughed.

'I will, in time. I promise,' Sihtric whispered in your ear as Uhtred jumped up to open the door for the pizzas. You all ate and joked around before you moved to sit on the large couch together to watch a movie; Bambi. Uhtred sat on the far left, next to him was Sihtric, then Finan, and Osferth sat on the far right. It was a large couch, but they sat shoulder to shoulder.

'I guess I'll sit on the floor,' you joked as you saw there was no more space.

'No!' they all shouted, and Sihtric pulled you towards him. You sat half on Uhtred's and Sihtric's lap, while your legs rested on Finan and Osferth their thighs. And like that, surrounded by your favourite pretty boys, you had the best night in months because it all felt almost back to normal again. Which you needed, and Sihtric too. And as the home you lived in with Sihtric was rather large, the guys all stayed the night too.

The next morning you found the four guys in your backyard as they were building a new birdhouse from scratch. You wanted to offer them coffee, but Osferth came running and turned you around, saying you couldn't see the house yet. Sihtric followed behind Osferth to give you a quick kiss and to walk you back inside.

Hours later they yelled at you from the backyard and presented you with your new, one of a kind, birdhouse. You weren't sure how a bird would be able to get in the house, but at least Sihtric's foot would also not fit in the tiny opening either.

**************

It would take a while before you would be considered fully cured. But many, many months had passed since your surgery, and you were feeling pretty much back to normal again. Your hair had been growing again too, and it had gotten to a nice length, which Sihtric was absolutely smitten by as he found out he could braid your hair. He braided it the same way as his hair was braided during his fights, and he almost passed out when he saw how it looked on you. He loved it so much, he actually proposed again.

And speaking about proposals, you were about to get married. You and Sihtric decided to not wait any longer, as you had said you were feeling as good as "normal" again. 

The wedding was small and intimate, in a cosy venue and only your close friends and family were present. Sihtric had grabbed onto Finan, his best man, because he was almost going to faint when he saw you walking down the aisle, with your hair braided, wearing a beautiful long dress and a smile on your face. Sihtric started sobbing the moment he took your hands, which caused you to cry too, and then everyone cried, so it was all a mess. But the best kind of mess.

You couldn't believe you were able to dance and party all night again, and you made the most of it, with your ridiculously handsome husband. And after the party, when everyone went home, Sihtric took you to a fancy hotel suite he had booked for the wedding night. And that night was the first time you had sex again, after everything that had happened. And it was the most incredible sex of your life, which you thought was pretty impressive, as it had always been good with Sihtric before. And the next morning, you'd have sex with him again. In bed, in the hottub, and on the floor. And you knew then that you were finally fully feeling like yourself again.

You couldn't possibly have a better start to your wedded life, and you couldn't wait to spend the rest of your life with Sihtric; your husband, your fighter and, which you would soon find out, the father of your first child. And Sihtric had been right all along, you would live happily ever after, just like Bambi.

*************

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[s0r4sp0nyt41l]

I have no one to talk about it too so here's a rant on why "ONIMAI: I'm now your sister!" is awesome

I wanna preface this by saying, I did not watch the CrunchyRoll translation, so the platform I watched it on might have mistranslated things. I might has some misinformation under my belt, sorry!

Also, watch out! THIS POST IS WOKE!!!! I MENTION TRANSGENDERS!!!!!! OH NOOO!!! (/sarc)

I will refer to pre-transition Mahiro with "he/him" and transitioned Mahiro with "she/her."

(THIS POST DOES CONTAIN MENTIONS OF SEXUAL CONTENT!)

With enough said, lets get started!

CHAPTER 1: What the hell is Onimai?

"Onimai" is an anime about Mahiro Oyama, a shut in hikkomori and a NEET otaku who hasn't left his house in 2 years. In comes his sister, Mihari, who slips a drug in his drink, turning him into a girl as part as a "Onii-chan Rehabilitation Project" to help him get back into society.

Mahiro now has to learn the ropes of being a (middle school) girl.

CHAPTER 2: What makes it so great?

The thing I like about Onimai the most is (surprisingly) Mahiro themself.

Mahiro used to be a degenerate slacker with a love only for noncon hentai manga with stories of bondage and sex slavery, and staying home playing eroge video games. According to Mihari, Mahiro wasn't always like this. From the start, it's clear that Mahiro is a degenerate (which the reason for like... half of the fanservice in this anime, but shh... that's for another post.) and even though he tries to shake his habits off, It's hard for him. (Because he's been doing it for 2 years) The anime show's his growth and how he reflects on his past actions, which is a big part of the anime.

I also like the fact Onimai didn't censor Mahiro's experience with girlhood. They went into depth with her struggles with periods, getting bras, and I appreciate the thought that went into it as a trans man. Mahiro's experience's can be relatable to many, whether it be teenage girls going through these things, or a huge dogpile of transgenders who feel like they're the only ones going through this kind of stuff. It also shows Mahiro getting used to his girl body, dolling up and getting used to dresses and skirts. She tries to deny that she likes that kind of stuff and claims she needs to "get her masculinity back". (How do people deny the fact Mahiro is transgender THIS SINGLEHANDLY SHOULD BE ENOUGH PROOF YOU FUCKING RIGHT WINGS BITCHES.)

Also, Onimai is unexpectedly wholesome? Mahiro and Mihari have some falling outs, but that's ultimately how siblings operate, you argue, but you still love them.

Mihari is responsible for most Mahiro's relationships, because if it weren't for the drug she put in Mahiro's drink, she wouldn't have left the house, go back to school, or let alone talk to anyone.

In one episode (10 I think it was), It's shown that Mihari had to leave for school, and Mahiro could barely function without her by her side.

As happy as Mahiro was to be left alone, she did miss her sister dearly, as she's able to function better with her, and I like how this anime properly portrays sibling relationships. No implied incest, no siscons, it's just a realistic sibling relationship. It's a nice break from all of those animes. (cough cough oshi no ko cough cough I hate ruby so much)

CHAPTER 3: Is it really worth the watch?

Imo, YES! It's really good, plus the intro is a banger.

Alright, I've ran out of things to go on about, so thanks for reading! Check out Onimai (do it for me please)

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in my late twenties and only started writing a couple of years ago. I have a small but dedicated base of readers who enjoy what I write and who say my writing is great. I appreciate them very much, but to me, it sounds like I am writing for genres and tropes they like while the writing quality is secondary. This is great! I'm happy to fill a niche and entertain people. But I also know that being such a green writer means that my writing will need a lot more years to be good. Not being a native English speaker also gives me a lot of trouble with grammar. Because I started so late, I feel like I have both managed to avoid many of the mistakes younger authors make and missed out on valuable learning experiences that won't come so easily after one's teenage years.

Any tips for how I can meaningfully set aside my anxiety about getting into the game so late and worrying that because my brain ain't so endlessly malleable anymore, I've missed out on important skill development? I'm fine with accepting my writing as it currently is while working on it, but that's the one thing I can't shake.

--

Heh. Well, I don't know if this will help, but what you've just implied about brain development is complete nonsense.

Our critical periods for learning language are mostly before age 2, and they're for learning language at all, not for learning creative writing.

Most of the popular ideas about learning non-native languages aren't very well backed up by science. It's likely that plenty of the effects we see (where kids learn better than adults) are social and not due to brain development. There was some recent finding about young people being impulsive and not overthinking things (essentially) and how that contributes to better language learning. But, again, being a teen only has so much positive effect, and this is on language learning, not creative writing skill building.

The reality is that authors get started at all kinds of ages. We only think of it as a young person's game because "Gasp! Newest author under 30!" has been a popular marketing strategy of late.

It's completely normal for famous authors to have gotten started in middle age.

Writing practice is also only one aspect of getting better. It's a big one, but general life experience matters some and reading other people's writing matters a lot. You didn't cease absorbing language as a teen just because you weren't actively producing creative writing. (And sure, maybe not every lesson you learned was from English, but plenty of authors take inspiration from multiple languages even if they write in only one.)

I guess if there's one lesson we can take from other language skills it's that being willing to humiliate yourself in public is often the key component to learning.

Most writers' main problem is self doubt.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Definitely something that struck home for me about Sar and Ozturk s Theory of the Functional Dissociation of the Self is the idea of how a 'Sociological Self' develops in absence of it's connection to the 'Psychological Self'. In fact, my final year uni project was on this very subject (I just didn't realise it at the time) on how it relates to gender, i.e. I know what my gender identity is, but where did my definition of what that identity means come from? Why do some aspects of gender feel right to me and others feel wrong?

And this extends from a much more holistic sense of who the fuck is us? Who am I? Really? At my core, what is really there that is me? What of me is truly mine? Because I've never even felt like a real person, let alone a whole person. I'm a facsimile of a person. A simulacrum in the simulation that is the world I experience.

And discovering that I was a system didn't really help with that either, am I the sum of my parts? Am I a teenage girl and a child and a vampire and a wolf and a cat boy and a 16th century Norwegian witch and a dead girl from Belgium and a crow monster and my father and my mother and my ex fiancee and so many other unique and incompatible identities? I can't be. Because they're very much not me. In fact on a very fundamental level they must not be me, that's the whole purpose of their existence, to be not me.

The way that Sar and Ozturk phrase it is that, under the pressure of an environment filled with insurmountable stresses that can't be overcome, the 'psychological self' is buried and hidden away to protect it. The 'Sociological Self' must therefore not only develop without it, but make up for it's absence. By avoiding the internal, it must rely on the external to inform it. If the immediate external environment is too harsh, which, of course it is, then it must expand it's scope beyond to wider culture and failing that, the fictional (not that culture is anything more than the fictions we collectively tell ourselves but you know what I mean). Rejected by the host, the 'Psychological Self' attempts to reach out to the world by creating new 'Sociological Selves', using the vision of the world internalised by the host as templates on how and who to be.

And this is what "less than one personality" means to me. Not a broken plate that can be put back together, or a broken mirror where all the individual pieces are still mirrors, but the result of multiple attempts to create a cohesive sense of self without full access to the entirety of human experience. Some attempts are based on lies, others on guesses, and some may be partially correct but lack context or a place to be understood and fully realised.

I'm like those old medieval drawings of animals based on descriptions of animals but having never seen them before.

This. This is me. This is what I really am. I'm like if a person didn't know what a person was and tried to make more people.

Especially bottom right, that may as well be a fucking selfie of my subconscious.

And of course I know there's a me, somewhere inside, there's a me that is me, but I can't find it, it's hidden from me. I look and I feel where it must be, but I just cannot grasp what it is. Like I kinda understand now what my IFS therapist was talking about in reference to a "core self", I now know what is meant by that, and I also know why I feel so strongly that I don't have one. Like dark matter, I can theorise about the properties of the glue that holds my galaxy together, but I cannot for the life of me detect it, I cannot interact with it, it's completely invisible, totally outside of my reach, but it's there. But it's not a whole personality either, it's not even a part of my personality, I cannot just add it to my other parts because it's isolation has left it undeveloped. Imagine asking for a dozen cupcakes and getting 11 cupcakes and a pile of flour, sugar, and egg. It's not just a missing piece, it's not even a piece yet.

And it's this, this separation and underdevelopment of the 'Psychological Self' upheld by Dissociative barriers and absolute phobia of the internal that separates my experience as a DID system from other members of the wider plural including endogenic community. I'm not going to say that this is the defining DID experience, because it's not, but it's definitely why I fail to relate to a metric fuck ton of y'alls experiences and description of yourselves, just as so many of you may tell me that you don't relate to what I'm saying right now.

And it's of course worth mentioning that this is only one way of rationalising things. It's like the oceans, we draw lines and say "this is the Pacific and this is the Atlantic" and there's value in some contexts to divide them this way and compare the differences between them, or the different layers of the atmosphere saying "this is the stratosphere and this is the flanglesphere" but it's all water and it's all air. Which way we divide it and where we draw the lines is only as important as what we're trying to achieve by doing so and the purpose that it serves.

This framework helps me to conceptualise myself the best so far, if it helps you conceptualise yourself too then you can incorporate it, if it doesn't and you have a better one then you can use that. We're all just smudges in a left handed person's handwriting at the end of the day.

[griefabyss69]

Ample Fire Within

Hello everybody I hurt my feelings about Steve and so I've decided to inflict that on all of you as well <3

[AO3] [ Tip / Commissions post ]

Platonic Stobin - Rated: G - 1.7K

Angst with a happy ending It's short enough the full thing is under the cut!

"For all of the late night wishing on a star type of bullshit he does, when he's alone in the dark and doesn't even have to properly face himself, let alone anyone else, you'd think he'd be able to handle it when he finally gets what he wants."

You'd think that all of the near-death experiences and injuries and horrible secret knowledge they’d all had would make a group of people like, forthcoming about their feelings.

But when most of those people are hiding deeply under too many layers of irony, insecurity, and maybe an affected teenage distance, feelings come out in stupid little arguments and the decision to be as annoying as possible instead of like.

Talking about it.

The affection is just like that too – drenched in demands - and just like anything, Steve has to assume that being asked for shit means that someone somewhere cares about him.

If they need him, that means they'll think about him, remember him.

It means they won't leave and won't spit his feelings back in his face, drunk off of either expensive wine or spiked punch – he's since forgiven Nancy, and they're good friends, though she could never love him.

Forgiving his mom is something he thinks he'll get around to one day, if she ever gets around to deciding he exists again.

His dad is a lost cause, so he doesn't bother.

---

Robin's hand is tight around his, her nail polish alternating between a shimmery blue and a stark black. It works on her, makes her look cool in the way only she can be.

He studies the difference in their fingers, his nails are neatly trimmed out of habit, though the skin around them peels like he hasn't been taking care of the skin. Hers are doing pretty well, considering she's once again trying to fully kick the habit of biting them.

Despite how much smaller her hands are, he feels like the one who's protected, a bracing grip that keeps him grounded as some of his neighbors head out of the store, the sour feeling of being degraded by nothing but polite conversation about where he might go to school next year and “What are your parents up to these days?” sitting heavy in his guts.

"You want to pick the movie?" Robin asks, adding her other hand into the mix, squeezing his tightly.

He shakes his head, can't stomach the thought of having an opinion on anything right now, on being some kind of real boy who has to make a decision harder than breathe in – good – now breathe out.

She lets go of him to go wander around the shelves, and he misses the comfort deeply, but doesn't say anything about it because he needs to find a way to earn the next one, this one finished with it’s job even if it’s prematurely. He’ll find the next emotional punch he can take and will hope it makes someone notice he could use a hug or something.

He wants to think he's got people in his life now that notice him at least some of the time, really notice him, not like before when he'd sat concussed through his exams and managed to pass because the teachers didn't want to face down the wrath of Harrington Sr.

He tries not to mope, tries to shake everything off, and goes to poke fun at Robin for whatever movie she picked.

---

For all of the late night wishing on a star type of bullshit he does, when he's alone in the dark and doesn't even have to properly face himself, let alone anyone else, you'd think he'd be able to handle it when he finally gets what he wants.

But maybe it's the unexpected timing, or just the way he didn't think they'd ever be those people – but when Robin hugs him goodbye one night, the last one out of the house as Nancy waits up outside to take her home, she murmurs a quiet "Love you" into his shoulder and he only manages to hold himself together by a fucking hair until the door is shut behind her.

He wouldn’t have ever imagined that it would make him crumple to the floor beside the neat rack of shoes he never wears, but he finds himself flat on his ass with his forehead on his knees like someone's packing him away in a box.

Ugly tears already brimming and spilling down his face as his throat closes up around what might just be a banshee's wail.

He knows he's supposed to be happy, and he knows there's a part of him that is, but the rest of him is just hurt – there’s an empty hole that had dug through him until it had grown into a deep well of loneliness, and every little offering of care and attention and love drowns in it.

About thirty minutes and a big pounding headache later, his phone rings, and his voice is rough when he picks up.

"Steve," Robin gasps, out of breath like she'd run to the phone. "What's wrong?"

He frowns, wondering if he sounds that bad.

"Nothing, why?"

"Oh, you just sound… And I'd thought – I just had a feeling in the car and then it got worse and I got worried and I'm sorry I'm sure you're so ready to go get your beauty sleep and I know we'll see each other at work tomorrow – but you sound terrible, Steve. Are you really okay?"

Robin's voice is as soothing as much as it picks at him, all the little threads he'd found on the floor to put himself back together get snatched back up by her soulmate premonition feelings or whatever, and he feels his sore eyes start to sting again.

"Rob, everything's fine," he says, heading to the sink, stretching the phone cord so he can get a cold glass of water. "Just took a little nap."

"Oh, that's good," She sighs, clearly relieved. "I guess… I'll let you go?"

Steve's heart feels full of something that aches, but maybe it's not really in a bad way. He can't tell right now, but he blinks and blinks and blinks until his eyes aren't threatening to un-convince Robin of his fine-ness.

"Yeah, I'll see you in the morning," he says, and pauses, digging his toes into the tile floor to brace himself. "Have good dreams, love you."

Robin's voice is warm and thready when she replies, the phone doing a bad job of replicating it but he can still imagine she's speaking into his shoulder again.

"Love you too, goodnight Steve."

---

He does more crying in the shower, though this time it’s more of a relieved thing.

The little worry in the background of his mind that Robin had said it accidentally earlier is gone – and the larger worry in the front of his mind that he'd somehow ruin their friendship by saying the same thing back at her is gone too.

He's almost excited to get to work tomorrow, though his self esteem hasn't been doing all that great lately, with summer vacation and everyone he went to high school with coming back home from college.

Logically he doesn't care about the judgmental questions and the superior airs they put on, as if surviving another year of schooling could hold a candle to the crazy shit he's survived, but it still like, hurts.

At least the store’s been too busy for them to be scheduled for solo shifts, so he's mostly just working his full day with Robin, and aside from the retail hell of it all, it's been kind of nice just getting to hang out together for hours and hours.

---

Robin's too good at reading him, and he regrets his excitement to see her so soon after his weird love induced meltdown on the welcome mat.

"Oh my God, you lied!" She hisses as he takes his place behind the counter, leaning beside her. "Clearly something was wrong last night."

He knows his eyes are slightly fucked up still, but he's had nights of bad sleep that had him looking worse, so he's truly confused for a moment, and lets her know that, his perplexed frown out in full force as she sets her hands on his shoulders.

"C'mon, the puppy dog eyes aren't going to work," she says, squeezing and shaking him a little bit. "You let me think I was an over-worrier! That I was thinking too much. Tell me, Steve."

He sighs, closes his eyes, and wishes desperately they weren't at work for this.

"Any chance of letting me talk about it in eight hours?"

Robin scoffs, and digs her fingers into the meat of his shoulders.

It's probably meant to hurt, but it's a pleasant pressure, his muscles feeling a little sore from all of the tension he’s been carrying.

"No, tell me now before we have to flip the sign," she says, the little crack in her voice betraying her whole pissed off act.

"Fine just. Don't laugh," he says, wondering if it's more pathetic to ask her not to or more pathetic to experience it if she does.

She raises her eyebrows, eyes lasered in on his as he opens them, and she just looks sad.

"It hurt, you know, in the car. I just… I knew something wasn't okay but I had no idea what it was, but I was sure it was something to do with you," she says, subdued.

The soulmates thing gets pretty freaky sometimes, but Steve's heard of this happening to like, identical twins. So why not him and Robin, honestly?

"Sorry," he says, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "Just uh, when you. Said you loved me."

Robin winces, loosens her grip on his shoulders.

"Not good?" She asks, and Steve frowns.

"No, it was good," he says quickly, doesn't want her to feel bad for saying it, or worse, take it back. "I'm…"

He thinks about it, the little bright spark in his chest that's been flickering, fighting against all of the heaviness and general stress he's been feeling. It grows a little stronger every time he sees her, and he hopes that one day it can be a proper flame.

"It's just been a while," he whispers, thinks that this isn't fair to even tell her. "Since someone's told me that."

It sounds depressing as hell, and truly, despite whatever his 3AM wallowing would have to say about it, he's been doing fine, has a full enough social calendar with his friends.

"Oh," Robin says, the way it hurts as plain as a clear day on her face. "Well, I love you."

Steve finds himself blinking back tears again, and the smile that sneaks up on him feels like the lightening of a burden, an unpacked suitcase.

"I love you too."

[virtualgirladvance]

not to preach or anything because i genuinely believe it should be your choice and that you should have the option and would never judge you for taking that option...but i also feel the need as someone who was majorly depressed and suicidal for 14 years of my life and then pretty much only learned to become a person for the next 5 and have since spent my 20s trying and failing to experience things that every teenager does...i still have hope.

hope that things will get better. i try not to think about things that probably aren't too likely, like living forever or getting a robot body, but i have hope for those things too, shockingly. and it's because when i was at my worst, i was lucky enough to have someone who reached out and made my life a little bit better, who gave me hope, and a reason to keep living.

They probably didn't think about it like that, but that's how it was for me. And now...well, things have been bad. Years and years have gone by and I've been in incredibly frustrating situations over and over again. But I look back and think about how I'm not in that position again. I haven't lost hope that much. There are times, definitely, where I get close to it. I've lost a lot of people in my life, both to death, suicide, and other things. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities and burned myself out. I honestly am not sure if I'll ever truly recover from that.

It's like that was a different person, someone who wasn't perfect but had their life together to a degree that is now impossible for me. A person who could go out and play hockey, go to the bar, socialize, work overtime, and make plenty of money to support themselves.

I guess that's what disability does to people, though it seems not many understand that.

But at the same time, the one thing that hasn't changed is that I still have, and will always have, hope. I never would have thought I'd be here at my mothers place after not talking to her for 15 years. I never would have thought that at one point I'd have 5 girlfriends who I loved and loved me. I never would have thought that even after all the things that have happened to me, all the things i've gone through, that I could still smile and laugh and enjoy talking with someone or being in the moment. And yet...it's not like we have a choice. You laugh when something is funny. You feel sad when something sad happens. Sometimes the bad overpowers the good, but sometimes even when it's bad, things can be good. And I think that's important to realize...that first of all it's okay and doesn't make you any less when you're suffering, you shouldn't feel guilty about it, but that more importantly...you have to take the good with the bad. You have to allow yourself to have those moments and be happy.

Because...life is made up of good and bad moments. Life is made up of feeling sad and feeling happy. Humanity's greatest asset is, imo, our ability to hope. To dream. To live and adapt, yes, but more than that, our durability and strength when life sucks.

Because the funny thing is, thinking of it logically? The chances of things not getting better are so miniscule and small that it's barely worth thinking about. There are so, so many branches and paths and situations that can lead to fixing the problems you have, and ultimately only one problem is permanent- death. If the average lifespan is 70-90 years old, that just leaves so many years in the future...so many days and hours and minutes that are so large that our brains can't even comprehend how large it is. We don't even remember everything we've done in the last week or month, let alone the last year- let alone the last 10, 20, even 30 years. Nobody has any idea what's going to happen in the next month, let alone the next year, let alone the next 40, 50, 60 years. So many things can change. So many things will change. 50 years ago transgender rights were just being fought for. 60 years ago black people were still being segregated. 70 years ago the Moon was still a completely unexplored and untouched place. And you can see that on a smaller level in your own life. Especially because the younger you are, the less experience you have and the less reference you have to things in your past. It was 16 years ago that I moved in with my dad. It was 21 years ago that I played Pokemon for the first time. It was 10 years ago that I came out as trans. It was 12 years ago that I started using Tumblr for the first time.

So many things have happened in between those things. So many other things. Good and bad. I don't know that things will ever be only good, but I do know that the only way to find out is to be around, and the only thing that brings your chances of that to zero is not being around. A lot of things aren't good for me right now...but that doesn't mean they won't ever be. And I know that the more I live the more I understand myself and what I want and am able to look back on all the things I've done to make myself better. And I think as long as you can say that you're trying, that's enough. There's just no way to not make progress, inaction can still provide progress, even going backwards can.

So I hope you can be kind to yourself, I hope that you can see not only the bad but also the good, and that you can learn how to use humanity's greatest asset and keep doing your best, I believe in you, I love you, and I treasure your presence here.

(and I'm sorry for being autistic and rambly in your inbox :P)

🫶

[edvinception]

My Avgrunden review

Includes spoilers

First of all, I really enjoyed this movie and I think it's good. It's not a masterpiece and my favourite movie I've watched. There are things I loved and things I would have liked better if they were different.

I would also like to start by saying that I've always had a fascination for the mine and got to visit the Kiruna mine many years ago. It was a very cool experience. So the whole concept of it is just right up my alley.

The plot

The first part of the movie focuses very much on that, we get introduced to the mine, and the characters, though the mine is very much a character of it's own.

I thought there was a great build up, with the partying teenagers, the missing Simon, the tension with the grown ups. There was also alot of humour. I liked the introduction to the different characters.

The mine scenes were amazing. So intense ans scary, claustrophobic even. My heart was seriously picking up in speed the whole time. There was also some amazing acting. The scene where Tage gets trapped for instance and when Erica gets trapped, omg that scene and after. Also when they crawl through the small opening. Scary. And when Erica gets burries and the rocks just keeps falling, definitely cried abit.

I also enjoyed the street scene when they get trapped in the car. Liked Felicia's acting alot in that scene.

And them running for their lives was also such an intense scene. And sad!

Then I feel like the finding Simon sequence was a bit slow and boring. They walked around trying to figure out where he was for some time and I feel like that could have been done differently. It definitely felt abit like a case of talking to all the npc's in a video game. I do like the scenes we got with Tage and Mica though he comforts her.

Not a fan of the physical fight between Tage and Tabir. It's such a done scene. Two male fighting for a woman. They could have spent those minutes on something else. Like building the tension or trying to explain more around Simon.

The parents argue and blame eachother and we learn that Frigga faught with him but we didn't get much. I would have loved to see more of her guilt around that.

When they finally figure out where he is and goes to find him I think the movie feels more exciting again. The school scenes are jarring and tense. We see Mica feel responsible for her brother even if she spent the first part being mad with him and calling him bad names. We dee how she feels she needs to find him because Frigga told her to. It was also nice having Frigga step up and take responsibility.

And then we finally get to see Simon who is miraculously alive but trapped with an endless hole into the abyss next to him and large and unstable walls surrounding him.

It becomes a rescue mission and you wonder who will fall down first. I really liked these scenes though I think they could have lasted a bit longer.

Of course Frigga had to be impaled because that always happens. But in all honesty I liked those scenes and didn't mind the trope. Suddenly it was a rescue mission to rescue her! Some nice moments between mother and son for sure. I really enjoyed those.

The climax was also nice and moving. I teared up a bit and if I had been at home I would have cried. I just tried to keep it together.

To sum it up I loved the mine scenes and the tension and build up around that. I also loved the street scene. The middle part was less exciting and I think it took up too much time. I could see the movie be 20 minutes longee with even more thrilling and action packed scenes in the end. Or just have it be a bit shorter and to the point.

The acting

Tuva was amazing and really is the highlight of the movie. She plays a very rational woman who is very level headed and focused but also with some sass. She's not perfect by any means and she is not the best mother.

Peter was also great as Tage. It was the first time I saw him play a nice role and I liked Tage alot even if he refused to let Frigga go in a cringey way.

I also liked Dabir. He really stepped in to help save the say and I enjoyed him and Mica on their side mission. It was fun. I loved him chasing Simons friend and tackling him to the ground. She was feisty and sassy.

Felicia was abit up and down in my opinion. She did the accent okay as far as I can tell. I thought the more explosive scenes were the ones that were the most up and down. I thought she was great when she was trapped in the car but then as she cried for Aila I don't know if I liked it. It didn't feel very authentic.

Speaking of Aila i liked her background and family. I juat don't think she and Felicia had that much chemistry. They didn't feel in love. I also feel like their relationship could have been built up more had the movie been slightly longer.

Edvin did was he was supposed to do. It was very jarring and weird to hear his dialect and I could tell he found it hard. But he was alright. He was particularly good in the final scenes which were also very sad.

I of course wish we would have gotten to see more of him and that he would have been a bigger part of the movie but I enjoyed what we got. A bit more built up would have been cool. I think something like seeing him before the quake would have been effect full or seeing him and is friends in the school as everything collapses as a parallel to the people on the street. I think that would make at least me feel even more tense and on the edge of my seat as they tried to find him. Like is he alive or is he not? Is he okay?

I think the acting was good over all, especially "the grown ups" Angela Kovacs as Erica touched me alot even if she had a small role.

Felicia was okay, with some good scenes and a few weaker ones. Edvin didn't have alot to work with in terms of how his character is though. We don't get to now much about Simon except that he likes gaming and feels disappointed in his parents. I wish there was more build up around that and that we could have seen more about that tension in some way just not hear other people talk about it.

That too could have been solved with some more screen time I think. 1 hour 43 minutes is not super long. I think they could have easily added 20-30 min without it feeling too long as long as it focused on the right things.

For me I would have loved that to be on the relationships and character but mixed in with the action. The talk between Frigga and Simon touched upon it but could have gone deeper. We could have seen abit more about Simon's and Tage's relationship too maybe. Even between the action scenes. Just some more explanations around that would have been nice.

Over all I really enjoyed the movie. I definitely think it's a 3,5/5 for me.

I also don't have anything bad to say about the special affects but I'm not the kind of person that is too bothered by that.

[seradae]

The following is an extremely rambling personal post

I came out as a trans woman when I was 32. Before then, I had identified as genderfluid for ages, but it was more how I felt than the way I presented. To virtually everyone, I was a man, and I was okay with that. Sort of.

While I had known GNC and trans folks growing up, it wasn't something I knew much about, and I certainly didn't consider it as an option. Even if I had spent a decade online "pretending" to be a woman and playing one in every game I could. Hell, I even had a name picked out (Erica), but it was fantasy... Right?

I first seriously considered transitioning when I was 18. At the time, I was friends with a whole bunch of furries, all of whom were queer and many of whom were trans (and all the ones I still keep up with have since come out as some flavor of trans). They were able to answer my questions, and ask me the right ones to make me realize that no, not everyone feels the way I do. Not everyone wishes with every fiber of their being that they had been AFAB. Not everyone thinks about whether they're worthy of feeling right in their body.

I spent so much time thinking about it, and frankly I knew it was what I wanted, but I also thought I knew why it was impossible. Why it was a terrible idea. Not because I wasn't a woman, but for two very specific reasons.

Reason #1: My business partner at the time (I was doing the tech startup thing) and closest friend was a massive transphobe. Unashamedly so. His influence left me with a ton of internalized transphobia, and I knew that it would be the end of that relationship. When I came out on Facebook 14 years later, I blocked him that day so I wouldn't have to see the vitriol.

Reason #2: I thought I would be an ugly woman. Or worse, that I'd look like an ugly man trying to look like a woman. In retrospect, this was a dumb reason, and seeing a post to the effect of "if the thing holding you back from transitioning is that you think you'd be an ugly woman, you're already a woman" was actually a huge part of what spurred me to finally do it. I never liked my face, never liked my skin, never liked my body. Untangling the body dysmorphia from gender dysphoria is still an ongoing process for me, but I feel better about my body now than I ever have before.

So, I'm 32 and I'm a baby trans woman. I don't know shit, but I have an incredibly supportive wife to help me explore myself and learn who I am. I have all these wonderful resources, and things are going well. But I am absolutely full of regret that I can't shake.

Every day, I oscillate between two states: wishing I had transitioned earlier, and knowing that I wouldn't have the life I have now if I had. I knew I couldn't rewind time and change things, but I still felt guilty. I have a wife and kid that I love and wouldn't trade for anything, but I kept thinking about the opportunities I missed.

I thought often about what it could've been like to experience my first makeup (aside from some simple gothy eyeliner and black nail polish) as a teen. Sleepovers with girl friends. Shopping for clothes that would've made me feel comfortable and happy.

I'm sure I would've faced hell, but I already was. I was a depressed kid, bullied throughout my school years, the first out and proud bisexual in a rural high school, fat, and awkward as fuck. But I could've hated myself less, or at least differently.

But a few years in, I don't feel these same regrets anymore. I might not be a teenager, but it doesn't make those firsts any less special. I get to experience them with my loving wife. I get to experience them with money, which is a far cry from my childhood. I get to experience them with the knowledge of how far I've come, and that I fucking made it.

I didn't think I would make it to 18. I didn't think I would make it to 21. I knew I wouldn't make it to 25, for sure. And now I'm closer to 50 than I am 21, even if I've got a ways to go. While I can't see the future, I can say that if I don't make it there, it won't be at my own hand. That's not something I would've been able to say before.

I still think about the "what if"s. It's impossible not to. But I don't regret my transition timeline anymore. I am living my damn life and I'm living it well. It's a good time to be me. Every day is; even the hard ones.

[swagtastic-bougie-pompadour]

Several days late, but eventually, the Clive has Arrived!

Just like the annual Naranja-Uva Summer Sandwich Squabble, or NUSSS! Tune in this weekend to watch your favorite students, staff, and even celebs?!?! attempt to make sandwiches in a variety of wacky and comedic scenarios, such as:

Balancing the sandwich on a yoga ball!

Using ingredients requested in MewTube MegaChats!

Battling for possession of key ingredients!

Three-Legged Race style teamwork!

Being sung at by a Jigglypuff!

Whatever unexpected weirdness comes up and gives Director Clavell a migraine at the last minute!

This year, all proceeds from the NUSSS go to speeding our current accessibility renovations of the school, with all excess being donated to the Open World Project--a charity dedicated to bridging the challenges that make it difficult for disabled young people starting out on journeys! We hope you tune in or show up this Saturday and Sunday!

Now, without further ado, it is time for the next installment of:

Clive Update!

Today we have a guest from behind the scenes who needs little to no introduction: the girl, the myth, the one who saves me from many an episode of cringe: Miss Penny!

...Did you have to look so... disappointed in this photo?

It's my personal form of protest. Also, for the record, right before you took this photo you had just asked me what AO3 is. I don't know what face you were expecting.

...Clive, what the fuck are these colors?

It's your red and blue hair! I figured your text had to match your stylin', snazzy 'do... No? No.

Pink. I just want pink. Thank you.

Anyways, did you really run out of guests this fast? What, did Rika drop you or something because you were going to ruin her brand? Shit, I bet that's exactly what happened.

Language! And she just... needed to reschedule. Very busy woman.

Mhm. Yeah. That's what they all say. That's like saying you went to a hotel with a friend and the only available room had one bed...

What?

AO3 things. I'll explain later.

Anyways, Pride? Obviously it's pretty important to me. I mean... really. I don't think anybody's guessing the programmer girl with a big hoodie and two-tone hair is super cishet.

My experience of being free to be myself is something built off of generations of work and protest by LGBT+ people. The first Pride was a riot spearheaded by trans women of color, and it's important to remember our roots to see how far we've come, and how far we have left to go. So Pride, to me, is a continued, "We're here and we're weird! And we're not stopping anytime soon!"

...Shit, that's just Team Star, isn't it.

Penny... I... I think that's the most comprehensive, educational answer we've had here! And I didn't even have to ask you...

Y-yeah, of course it is. You're welcome.

...Anyways, uhh, what's your follow up question? You do have one, right?

...Hm. How are you liking it here on campus, now that Team Star has re-integrated into classes?

W-wha... I wasn't expecting that one, dude! I'm... getting along okay! I've got... my greatest treasure... here, after all.

And Nemona... annoyingly loud as she is... has been really nice to me too. Plus, I've got my Veevees! And of course, how could I forget my best. Pal. Clive. Who's definitely not just cringe incarnate tormenting me until the end of my short, miserable little life.

That's a JOKE, before you start getting all emotional on me, by the way!

I forgot how wounding teenagers can be... Ah! My heart! It has been pierced! And it is all Miss Penny's fault!

Geez. You're not half bad... sometimes. Come on. In return for this, you're proofreading my new My Palafin Academia hero/rival hurt-comfort slow burn fic.

I don't understand the meaning of half of those words, but I am terrified nonetheless!

[queenofthearchipelago]

Hi~ Why do you love Merlin?

(also Merlin fan, just a brainrot opportunity hehe)

Now THIS is a big question. I hope you asked it knowing that I'd answer it with a small essay lol.

I suppose my answer to this has changed over the years. When I first watched the show when I was 14, I fell in love with the lighthearted and wholesome vibes the show had. I loved stories with magic where one character had too much on their shoulders and where I could watch them carry their burdens and achieve the impossible. I was intrigued by stories where one character in some way shape or form, is forced to be alone. It's a common theme across all my favorite stories from How to Train Your Dragon to Doctor Who to, now, Good Omens.

I also fell in love with the bromance, the costumes, the music, the legend they were weaving right in front of my eyes.

And while I still love all those aspects of Merlin, looking back on it now, I suppose none of those are the reason I kept rewatching the show.

I think I've watched Merlin all the way through about 8 times now. And now that many years have passed, I see what had me so hooked. I think it was the exploration of friendship between Merlin and Arthur.

When I first watched Merlin, I didn't have much in the way of properly good friends. So it was a comfort to me to watch this story where two people met, they didn't even like each other, but they grew to be the most important person in each other's lives and it had nothing to do with romance. (Which is not to erase the experiences of people who ship them in canon, I totally get it, I ship them in fanfic, but within the bounds of the show I see them as a platonic soulmate situation.) But the bond between Merlin and Arthur was always so steady, even when they weren't getting along.

Merlin always went back for Arthur and Arthur always went back for Merlin. And I admired this as someone who, when I missed an event I was supposed to be at, the next week someone would tell me they missed me and I knew they didn't mean it. "Missing me" was used to tell me that they noticed I was gone, not that they felt my absence. Like, there's a difference, ya know?

And so I think this is the story that taught me what I prioritize and value in my friendships. I value protecting each other and preserving each other in peace and joy. I value going back for them. I notice when they go out of their way for me, even with small things, so that I can be more comfortable. I notice and appreciate when they listen to me, when they refuse to judge me, when they reach out first.

In college I met some amazing friends who have went out of their way for me during times where my life was falling apart, and I'm so grateful that life brought me these people. And I look back at Merlin, at episodes like The Poisoned Chalice and A Servant of Two Masters, and I see my teenage self and the kind of friendship I wish I had, and would some day find, and that I hope to keep finding as I go about life and keep meeting new people.

Of course there's discussion to be had about whether or not Merlin went to far. If he should have maybe cared less about Arthur because then maybe he would have saved himself and Camelot. Maybe Merlin's dedication to Arthur wasn't healthy because of all he lost because of it. But I don't care about that. Merlin loved his friend and he acted like it every single day and that was something I wanted to be for other people, that was what I wanted to see in my life.

On a slightly smaller but still significant note, every time I watch Merlin, the more I love Arthur. I feel like the first two times I watched the show I was a Merlin girl, I didn't care much for Arthur, and then I started to notice just how big this boy's heart is and I realized that Arthur IS the heart of the show. I love him more every time I think about him. And sometimes I rewatch certain episodes just to see him again.

I feel like I've rambled on and I have no idea if I've made any sense but I tried lol. Thank you for giving me a reason to talk about it. Merlin is one of those stories I'll think about and love forever. And every time I rewatch it I learn something new about myself, so I'm sure it'll continue to be a story that has great meaning and impact on my life. (And of course, the fandom is immortal, so I'll always have fanfic to read and people to talk about it with too!)

Feel free to keep sending me asks about it! Or DM me! I always have time to talk about Merlin.

[theopenbookwigtown]

🏡 Back home in Shropshire, but what a week it's been. 🌟

Grateful for everyone who joined our journey - the locals' warmth, the visitors' love for The Open Book. 😍

It's been the most wholesome week we've ever had.

🗓 18th - 23rd July 2023: ⏰ 41 hours open 🤝 319 people greeted 🐶 16 adorable dog visitors 📚 81 books found new homes

As I've been doing all the posting this week, Gary wanted to say something...

I did not want to be a bookseller. I wanted even less to pay for the privilege.

Stephy had other ideas, however, and it’s in my nature to follow her lead even when I’m convinced she’s gone off the deep end. And so, in 2017, we booked our place at the end of a 3-year wait and Stephy impatiently dreamt of our upcoming trip. This, I believe, is called “foreshadowing.”

2 days before our trip in 2020, we were all locked in our homes for the foreseeable future. And so, in 2020, we booked our place at the end of a 3-year wait and Stephy impatiently dreamt of our upcoming trip.

I tell you this to emphasise that, despite two 3 year waits and a pandemic, I was no more enthusiastic about our bizarre little holiday. I was convinced that we would see too few customers and I would be bored out of my mind or, much worse, that we would see too many and I would be forced to relive the retail experience that made me promise “never again” as a teenager. Either way, I was terrified that my anxiety and my atrophied social skills would leave me trapped in a solid week of awkward interactions and uncomfortable silences.

I ran these scenarios in my head, preparing myself for any eventuality, but I could never have anticipated that I would fit in almost immediately. We were soon visited by many of the locals, invited to events and welcomed into their stores as though we were regulars. This strange, wonderful place embraced us with everything from casual Good Mornings shared across the quiet road as we all set up our signs and displays, to conversation in the street to compare notes after closing. It is rare that I feel a sense of belonging, but I found it here and instantly fell in love.

With the help of Stephy's boundless energy and contagious enthusiasm, I fully discarded my shell within days and, by week's end, was actively greeting everyone who walked through the door with a genuine “How are you today?” like some kind of crazy person.

It was in this question that I found the real treasure of this place, the thing that makes The Open Book far more than the sum of its parts: Those who visit, do so looking for a story or two, sure, but if you ask them, and if you listen, they often gift you a story in return. We encountered people bursting with the kind of joy and wisdom that only comes from a life well lived and learned important life lessons that we will carry with us forever. All it took was a word and an ear.

The dream, the one I didn't understand, can be found here in Wigtown but you are missing the point if all you are looking for is a quaint, cosy stay in a bookshop. The Open Book wouldn't work anywhere else because The Open Book is Wigtown. There is a perfect storm here. The right people in the right place at the right time with the right idea have created something truly magical. How else can I describe something wonderful that shouldn't exist, but does anyway?

This is a place where a modern shop with modern comforts exists but the penny sweet is alive and well, where a parade of 40 horses might run right by your front door and bagpipe music can be described as "spontaneous", where a "little concert" is both cosy and breathtaking in equal measure, where you can enter a store to the sound of live banjo music and learn of the owners attempts to purchase a life-sized triffid, and where you will learn the secret to a long happy life is to pull up your socks, always be curious, never stop learning, and buy a second TV for your spouse.

In just one week, a bookstore had become a home, a handful of strangers had become neighbours and friends and a holiday I would gladly have missed had become a memory that I will cherish always. I leave this place healed and inspired, thankful for the kindness and the stories that I will take home with me, and saddened beyond measure to say goodbye so soon.

I did not want to be a bookseller, but I will be forever grateful that I was.

Until next time, Wigtown.

💛 Stephy & Gary