#i've just been exhausted from work
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Kliegkaard is singlehandedly getting me through my art block
#my art#kliegkaard#rouxls#rouxls kaard#klieg#sorry I'm just caught up with my cross stitch project Lol#but I have been working on some pixel art stuff :'D#i've just been exhausted from work
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Not to be a total asshole here but if I get one more "I need more! give me more!" comment on my Platonic Sugar Baby Buddie AU, it's going away. It has literally been two weeks since my last update, during which time I've been working on another fanfic, finishing up my second part-time job, working a full-time job, and being an adult with a full life.
I have never experienced this amount of whining in my entire time in this fandom and I can only presume that it's new people to the fandom who have an appalling lack of etiquette.
It's literally people just saying "give me more! I want more! hurry up!" And while none of you are at all entitled to my personal business, it sure doesn't help the depressive episode I'm in that y'all are doing this.
I love sharing my fics with you guys, and I love the enthusiasm and joy that you have for my writing. But the sudden influx of demands for sequels, for specific scenes in fics, unprompted fic, smut, and chapter suggestions, and now just outright demanding like a toddler for an update is disheartening, annoying, and the opposite of encouraging.
Please stop. Please. Please stop.
#lincoln writes stuff#lincoln rants#you think I don't feel bad not updating regularly?#you think I don't wish I could post a chapter every few days for you?#I spent two months working three jobs#and JUST wrapped up my second job#I'm currently on my period dying of cramps#what the fuck do you want from me?#if you all want to pay me so I can just write fic for you all then great I have a ko-fi and a Patreon hop to it#I am EXHAUSTED fucking hell#oh! and the icing on the cake?#I'VE BEEN WORKING ON ANOTHER BUDDIE FIC FOR YOU ALL THIS ENTIRE TIME#my muse wanted to work on The Gang Plays D&D so I was#I'M LITERALLY STILL MAKING STUFF FOR YOU UNGRATEFUL BRATS#I will probably delete this later when I have calmed down
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Some more Pokemon Infinite Fusion fanart! This time it's some various Eeveelution fusions (including a new Sylveon fusion that was recently-added iirc)! Next time will be... ???
#pokemon#pokegraphic#pokemon infinite fusion#leafeon#vaporeon#umbreon#glaceon#sylveon#meganium#articuno#suicune#stantler#greenie art#sorry for the massive gap in art lately I've just been exhausted from work
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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y'all I am soooo tired I think the rest of the fics are going to be very much late 😔
#this morning I was like 'yeah! I can do this!'#and then I went out and had an appointment and I've basically been exhausted ever since#had a brief perk up when my nephew was here but besides that??? nope#I'm just not keeping up with these like I usually do ough#how dare like three things go wrong this month that sap my writing energy rather than fuel it 😤#maybe I need another depressive episode sometimes those actually kick me into writer gear for some reason#...I'm kidding dw#but it did kinda work last october...#KIDDING#rambles from the floor
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my issue is that 2 weeks ago I was flip flopping on what decision to make while being very convinced that I wanted to try to leave and that doing so would make me happy and no matter how difficult it was it would be worth it. Just like how i wanted my surgery but was still wracked with guilt leading up to it. Now im stressed and obsessively thinking about it while being convinced that leaving would not make me happy at all and would not be worth it. which is a lot harder...
#talkys#and its extra hard bc the surgery is the only thing in my life I've been 100% sure about.#also my brain is doing the extra steps stuff and im already exhausted especially since i once again dont really have#family on my side or excited for me#thinking about having to have them drive me up for the job interview then having to get apartment#lease and then having to organize and throw away and pack my stuff and then unpack it#while never knowing if rent is going to be way too high next year is already too much#knowing that i love being alone but would be very lonely and not have any extended time to come home and spontaneously#go to the movies or some local event with my siblings makes me sad#the only friend id have in the new location has her own life and partner and such. id just be alone and not#wanting to leave my apartment bc i hate driving#the good times here are rare but they'd be non-existent in an empty apartment#and id likely be too tired to do hobbies after work and chores and staying alive#the color rly has drained from me not even the thought of being able to transition is saving me#nothing would change for the better
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ngl gang I finished both my dissociation fixation games and got a rejection letter for a job I was a shoe-in for after a month-long, three-pronged review/interview process and I am not having a great time
#finishing dredge's dlcs and dave the diver within the same week was a mistake#where am I gonna find another free chill game to dissolve into#at least daima's coming out friday that'll cure me probably#lays on the floor I am so so grateful for freelance and commissions I truly cannot overstate that#but I haven't had full-time work for what I actually do for a living in Nineteen Months because of stupid ass corporate greed#Ninteen Months of telling myself I'm still a member of this industry despite. No work.#And this rejection letter was for a fraction of what I do for a living. I got told they were very impressed and also I did not get the job.#Idk man like idek what it is I do for a living anymore bc I don't have a living anymore#I've been a member of my union for *four years* and I don't have a living anymore lol#anyway. /vent /negativity etc you get it#I've got stuff I need to work on and I'm beyond grateful for that. I'm just bummed out. I was so close to being okay again.#THIS CLOSE to having some semblance of stability.#icb I got scruffed an inch from the finish line on something that by all accounts I should've been overqualified to do#And both Ganondorf and Vegeta continue to be relatable and so real for having exhausted rage-induced breakdowns over that exact thing lol
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girl, being on west coast time and constantly working overtime and having a fuck ass commute and trying to be in a fandom really sucks :/
#just solidified my summer camp work schedule and will be essentially dropping off the face of the earth from june-august#not to mention my totally fucked calendar for april-may#i already feel like i've been missing everything lately LOL even though i know i haven't#i'm just mad bc my brain is too exhausted to write meta or fic or even engage with other people#i'm just so fucking grumpy rn why can't i daydream about my blorbos 24/7#i genuinely get like. writing WITHDRAWALS when i'm not able to be creative for an extended period of time like. i'm freaking out LOL#i'm fine i'll be fine i just asdfhsjgckljhnsldkfjcn
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for so long all I wanted to do was die but now that I'm older, all I worry about is dying too soon. too soon to experience all the things I didn't give myself time for when I was young. I don't want to spend these years overthinking what time I have left
#[static]#wild how the brain shifts#i want to live i want to experience everything i can and i never thought i'd make it this long#my brain has done a 180 and it's always on the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) that i could die in the blink of an eye#im not scared of death but i am scared of not having lived#my ptsd/ocd combo has been pummeling me lately and i feel like im sometimes at a breakthrough where ive figured out a way-#-to stop being scared ... to just allow myself to live without the what ifs.#i do it in practice but the reality is that no matter how nonchallant and down to earth I appear in real life-#-my brain is picking apart the resolve i've carefully put together for myself#it's like constantly picking at a wound that's begun to heal and i cant get myself to stop#it's Exhausting having to continuously catch ones self from falling further back down the hole your younger self dug#im finally living as the person i always wanted to be and nothing can take that from me even if it were to all come crashing down tomorrow#but im still not used to the stability so that's why my brain does what it does best#what's three or four years of stability to decades of being in fight or flight ... it will take time and it's hard work#but i know with time it will be worth it and i wont remember the dread in the back of my skull every time i experience happiness#i'll just remember the days as they were ... and they are wonderful#just needed to vent for a moment! mental health is such a surly thing
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Wait the Olympics are going on rn?
Damn how long has that been going on that I just haven't noticed lol
#sorry I've been too deeply exhausted from work to notice lol#just caught up being ground to dust between the cogs of capitalism#you know how it is#I heard about that shooting competition but I didn't realize it was an OLYMPIC shooting competiton ya feel?#thats it though lol#pun's text posts
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#I had to go out and run some errands since my wife can't do them while she's in the hospital#I got it all done and I've been aggressively medicating but wow I am super tired and sick#my normal available energy in a day is 'sit uprightish on the couch' not 'walk around town for 2 hours'#she feels well enough that she would be comfortable coming home tomorrow#it's just a question of whether the weekend staff is willing to do the paperwork or not#cuz a lot of places don't do weekend discharges for her stuff#so she may be coming home monday instead.#we are working together (along with her more official types of support) to make sure this doesn't have to happen again.#(one of the people from her work wants to go visit her sunday if she's not home and offered to give me a ride)#(which will be uh. also really exhausting and painful.)#(especially with all my ~medical trauma~)#(but it would help her feel better.)
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It's my birthday today, and I'm now as old as kita shinsuke in the timeskip! 🥳
#wasn't sure if i wanted to celebrate here but KABU CAME HOME in my 4th multi pull and the world HAVE to know!!! ❤️🔥#legit shook my mom's shoulders in the middle of a jbbq spot because i didn't expect to pull him this early in a pokefair scout 😭💖#also! peek my hbslv photocards from 42yojin on the bird app 🤩💝 they came earlier this month and i gotta flex that here waughhhh 🥺🫶#anyway: here's to another year hoping that i can be somewhat healthy! i sure hope this month's medicine dosage works haha :')#and for whatever shitshow awaits me when i start school again in sept. nawt sure how i'm gonna wing it with my condition but 🤷♀️#that will be a problem i'll deal when i get there. thankfully i've been getting better at nawttt borrowing grief and anxiety from the futur#here's to hoping i can also live the ちゃんとやんえん way like kitasang does... i need have just half of his resilience to organize my life lmao 😭#but i'm grateful to have lived long enough to see the beauty in life 🥺🫶 met all kinds of amazing people and had tons of fun too!#also i went out today for ~3 hours 🥳🥂 my joints are sore as hell but i had fun + looked and felt pretty + bought a new jacket as my gift#most importantly KABU-SAN CAME HOME RRRRRAAAAHHHH ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥 燃えろおおおおおおお！！！！！#LAST WISH but here's to hoping my exhaustion + stress from may disappears soon 😭🤚 i miss writing and i think it's interfering my writing#i hope you all have a great day ahead!!! 🫂💖 and kabu + larry comes home soon if you pull for them!!! 🥺🍀#personal
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people not in those fields really have no idea of the kind of exhaustion that comes with jobs in the social sector. which is in no way to say that other jobs aren't as or more exhausting but there is just something to being responsible for handling someone's psychological/medical/personal crises, to being restricted by structural and general circumstances, to being so empathetic to how Shit Sucks, but also needing to protect yourself and your coworkers etc etc etc that brings such a mental static sound kind of psychological exhaustion with it that i cannot put into words. i need to lie face down on the floor for three hours and soak my brain in nacl. any personal or friend crises are put on ice till i have capacity again. good fucking lord
#*mine#mona rambles#main reason i need to get out of this field i will be sooo real#like i've worked a whole bunch of jobs and while again it's not /more/ exhausting than a lot of other jobs#it's such a /specific/ kind of exhaustion just. mannn#so much of it comes from how you're always stuck in that contradiction of what law state employer system allow you and what would Actually-#Help. but it also just really comes from the. I Am Responsible For Calling Shots On Someone Who Is Struggling As Fuck rn#like not to go into the details but everything sucks. you know how it is. lmao#AND THEN YOU GET PAID LIKE SHIT ANYWAY. anyway it's cool it's chill i should have been a trust fund baby /j#but also not joking someone get me out of here. lord
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Happy STS Elli!
What inspires you to write? Are there things that you know that you can get inspiration from or does it just come randomly?
Happy STS!
For me, inspiration doesn't mean "to write".
There are, and always have been, a lot of stories floating around in my mind - ideas, scenes, vibes, outlines. I get inspiration from literally everywhere, from talking to my friends, and video games, and scrolling past images or prompts, and reading books, and spending too much time on reddit, and…
Many remain daydreams, or character backstories, eventually lost to time.
Now for actually being able to sit my ass down and get words on the page? I don't know. It comes and goes as it pleases. Having a beehive where a brain should be does NOT help, let me tell you that.
I just. Can't focus on shit lately. Can barely make it through a chapter when reading. Every day is just suddenly over, and I got nothing done, and I am so tired. I have a completely outlined short thing I have been trying to write since Nov, and it's like pulling teeth.
I could do with several months off work while everyone leaves me the fuck alone. How would that be.
#salad-ask#aria-benedetto#sts ask#I cried new year's because after having 1 (one) day of my vaction actually completely to myself#Which was after I already didn't get any quiet time on my LAST three attempts at taking time off because someone was sick at home#And spending most of all that time just working (in my time off) and cleaning the depression piles#My mom berated me for instantly refusing to come over for some 'if I die you need to know where stuff is' talk#(note: there's no reason to think she might anytime soon and she was talking about like... a cd collection)#'You always have something!!!'#I don't know anymore how to get people to understand how fucking exhausted I am.#I'm about to let the stupid paint course voucher from work lapse because in a year I didn't find a motive I like and the energy to even#consider wasting 3 hours of my life after work to produce some physical object I have no room for while having to run to get there on time#Not to mention people!! A room full of people!!#I've just become sooo sensitive to noise lately I can't even stand to be in the kitchen when the fridge hums#And you're always always always the bad guy if you close the door in someone's face because they're whistling or watching tv or calling#It's cool :) Sorry I was being unsocial :) Lemme just quickly slam my head against a wall until I pass out :)#So uh anyway happy STS writing has been going well
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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#not snz#more musings 📝 / mini vent:#not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent#i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings#i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out#over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like#a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to#which is strange??#(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you)#i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend)#i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life#i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track??#:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again#i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D:#i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs#i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take#i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning#like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling#i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other#but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more#there are so many people i refuse to let down
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