#i've had this one in my brain for months idk why i've taken so long to write it down

[baishouqijia]

✧ ―   𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍. the regrator is exceptional at mental arithmetic, but uses an intricate abacus whenever he is working at his branches to ensure accuracy. to say he is adept with the tool would be a terrible understatement, for he is capable of solving problems within mere seconds using only a few flicks of his index and thumb. for pan.talone, the mind ( and the world ) works in numerics and patterns, thus can always be deciphered.

[vorpalfae]

I noticed you haven't been as active on social media as you were even a few months ago.. is there any reason? I hope ur okay🖤

aw thank you for checking up on me🥺 honestly i've been struggling on and off with my mental health and trying to find medication that works. i've had it switched a couple times recently and even had a super bad reaction to one that landed me in a mental hospital. (well it was a combination of medication and other stuff.)

i think ive finally found one that works but as most psyche meds do, they've been making me act different. i've grown a bit tired of the kind of content i've been making for a long time now. my interests haven't changed at all. i still have the same interests, i'm just bored of the way i've been presenting them and myself if that makes sense😂

idk if bored is the right word. the "aesthetic"/overall vibe of my social media usually reflects the way i feel. and right now when i log on i see all the things i like but its presented in a way that doesn't feel like myself. its still me but i think in the last couple months i've grown a lot now that i've actually taken steps to learn about my newly diagnosed autism and started getting legitimate help for my bipolar disorder.

what it really comes down to is i just need to organize my brain and my pages on here a lot. i plan on revamping my tumblr and all my other social media to fit how i'm currently feeling. but i just haven't felt like doing it because the smallest tasks like that have reaaally been draining me mentally. it fucking sucks. but its been a lot better since i've had a bit of time to adjust to all the changes i've made for myself.

so i'm thinking i'll probably do a big "update" to all my social media either within the next few days or soonish lol sorry its taken me so long to answer ur anon. like i said, i've been mentally exhausted for a long time now and i just didnt know what the problem was until i was able to start thinking more clearly. having bipolar disorder is so difficult. because its both mania and depression. and it makes it extremely difficult to organize my thoughts when i'm struggling. idk if "regular" ppl deal with that but its always been an issue for me.

my content will most likely still be the same. i just might start adding some new stuff here and there and incorporate a lot of the new styles and aesthetics i've been into as of late. and perhaps diversify my content a bit too, because i have a lot of interests and fascinations with many things that i don't even post about online! 🥰

i hope i was able to give u an answer in the least confusing way possible. i'm terrible at explaining things. especially about myself😂 hence why most of the questions i answer always end up being paragraphs 😭

[enniewritesathing]

🗣️discussion post 🗣️

let's talk about what happened :D

underneath the read more bc of spoilers for the update (obviously) and length, me rambling, some behind the scenes things...

First off -- this is took so long for me to work on. It was what, a 4 month gap? Usually it's not more than a month but... Things happened and my brain being generally an asshole. We're working on that. What really spurned me to get make the update? I got new internet and holy shit, everything's so fast. Went from DSL to 5G internet (which me being in the sticks, being surrounded by 3 towers = all the speed). Which is great because I added gifs and I need that upload speed or else it would've taken forever.

I didn't get the idea of making gifs until about halfway through the update when @pink-chevalier suggested I make some/experiment with them. I can also combine 2 or more pics for transitions/actions so I'd have room for shots. Also making use of Photomosh Pro...

anyway let's get on with what happened (in no order):

Hey. Charles? He may be unhinged. Just a little bit.

Daniel's very interesting that he's trying to divorce himself from everything, much less the trial and Charles was right to call him out. Real pot = kettle energy. If you think about it, he's damn near the level of responsible that Charles has with handling needles/syringes, he's way less unhinged about it. It's more of a reluctant participant but not really.

I mean, he punched The Werewolf with one when he attacked Jordan.

Speaking of needles, for some reason I looked up how to do an injection and turns out there are different ways! In this case, the needle has to get into muscle (and the heart being a muscle itself), Daniel has to angle it 90 degrees. In the Incident, it was at a weird angle (and at the time I didn't know how to put accessories in stigmata.)

And ofc, it had to go down to the stopping point. Why no, that's not anything.

I made so many swatches of the vitals. There's like 50. They do look nice on the bigger screen. Truly enhances everything way better. Like I said previously, I did what I could with what I had.

The Werewolf dropping the fact that John was the one in control and not him during this segment of the trial. John's the one getting tortured.

The door is actually The Werewolf's door! This is the first time he's done it. To this day, he doesn't quite have a handle on summoning doors. It makes sense that it's simple, but because he wasn't in control per se, the knob was useless.

John's expression on seeing The Werewolf glaring down at him? The Werewolf's glare??

Mark's absence because he won Rock Paper Scissors. We'll get to him later.

John freaked out by the amount of blood in the lab. He's got a stronger stomach than I thought but I think it's because he's a bit used to blood when he fights. Not that much, but, an amount. It happens.

That said... you think The Werewolf might be holding back on that? Do you think it's actually messier than that?

First the hospital bed surrounded by flowers, and now the exam table (?)... what's with that?

And what's up with John...? Does he remember more than he lets on? Or is he hiding under the guise of medicinal amnesia? It's like he could be in denial or something. 🤔🤔🤔

The Werewolf says he'll talk about that later. I have a feeling that's not gonna be pretty.

The Werewolf admitting that everything was against him, that there was a chance of him dying. He didn't know if whatever he had in mind was going to work.

The shots during Charles' and Daniel's conversation?? Getting it together and working on it took like a month bc it's a Biggie/Important story post. That said, as much as I hate Charles, I enjoyed writing his dialogue and perhaps, in general. He's just really fascinating!

I actually have no idea what he sounds like. I think I've said it's reedy, but idk?

This mfer really did 🫵.

I love how John's hair has been touched twice in this update. It is pretty soft.

I would like to give a shoutout to the music genre Witch House.

The file name I gave John during the conversation was "go king, give us nothing.blend".

This isn't quite mentioned but ever since The Werewolf made his promise, it was made sure that he wouldn't move a millimeter. It's also why his healing ability has started to erode over time, it's that strong. His senses are shut out -- as well as not being able to see, he can't hear (mostly) and he can't smell so he can't sus out who's who.

...that and I thought the visual was neat when I put it together. Very experiment-y.

I would never fault John for being terrified of needles.

I wasn't able to do this visually right last time because I didn't have the CC for it (or the ceiling update), but I love how the shots of The Werewolf being in The Void came out. Lot of shots of him being far off and tiny... only used a few though. It really drives home what is isolation to him.

He was going to have his wrists chained (or chained in general) but I thought eh, that's a bit too much and it didn't really work with what I had in mind. (And I was lazy.)

I made the decision of changing John's/The Werewolf's eyes from 'blank' to white... they both do hit, but white's more of pointing out true unconsciousness, if you get my meaning. It's also more spookier... he'll go back and forth with it.

The gifs with John getting to the door, I messed around with in Photomosh. Specifically, it's Smear and I adjusted it to where it looks like he's breathing fast.

This is probably one of my fav shots in the story (so far). It's foreboding. Sinister even. I could go on.

Oh! Getting into the lab door was a bit of a pain in making it. I don't know how to uh edit objects, so what I had to do was have The Werewolf in the open pose while John walked in/out and I had to capture before the doors closed.

You may notice that there was a huge button on the side of it. The Werewolf wasn't exactly aware of it at the time. Not like he would've been able to get out. That shit is super secure, trouble getting in OR out.

questions? comments? concerns? speculation? anything?

if you made it all the way though, congrats! here's a WIP:

I'm sure nothing bad is happening there.

:)

[rahleeyah]

Do you think that by killing off Kathy instead of a divorce between her and Elliot, that El is still not "choosing" Liv? That when EO get together it's more of Elliot being "well my wife's dead so I guess I'll be with you". For many fans the choice of killing her off was not the best choice for the reason I state, and cause to fridge a female character is gross too.

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you understand what I am saying.

No, I don't think that.

I know a lot of people feel that way, but as we've discussed on this blog before I really do feel that Elliot couldn't choose Liv over Kathy while Kathy was still alive, not least bc Olivia wouldn't let him. And yes, of course, he could've gotten divorced from Kathy and then turned up looking for Olivia - and it would've been interesting to see Olivia be able to really vent her anger at him in those early days - but there's something....off, if Kathy's still around. She's still such a source of insecurity for Liv - does Elliot really want Olivia more, did he only come to Olivia bc Kathy finally got rid of him (which is essentially the same as only coming to Liv bc Kathy died, maybe even worse), has Olivia taken something from Elliot's family, do the kids resent her, etc - and Olivia's own reticence I think gets in the way too much if Kathy is alive. Olivia has been telling herself that Elliot is someone else's husband for so long that even a divorce isn't enough to nudge her, I don't think; it certainly didn't the first time. And yes the first time they were still partners but this time he's left her for a decade (why is he only coming back now? Isn't Liv still a consolation prize in this version?) and if she leaps straight into her anger without those months of caring for him maybe they don't ever recover.

And like what's the timeline. Elliot comes for the ceremony while still married to Kathy and Liv is furious and he leaves Kathy? Idk about that. Elliot gets divorced and only then turns up? Yeah I don't love that either.

And yeah, obviously, fridging is a serious issue that we do need to talk about but also characters have to die sometimes. We can't just never have a character die, never have the other characters experience loss; that's ignoring a whole vast swath of human emotion that does need to be explored in media. And if you're gonna kill someone off so that you can talk about grief and trauma and love and healing, pragmatically you're gonna kill a side character. Bc you want to keep your mains around for later. You need your mains. They're the story.

On the one hand, it would've been nice to see Kathy stand up for herself and go out and make a new life and not be beholden to Elliot. On the other hand, life doesn't give us all happy endings. Kathy had just as many choices as Elliot did. She asked him to come to bed, she asked - pushed - him to come back to raise Eli. She was happy in Rome. With him. Maybe Kathy didn't want another life. Maybe she wanted her husband - she worked hard enough to keep him - and maybe her ending is tragic, but life is tragic. A man looking at his cell phone while driving hit my mother head on and we spent a week in the hospital with her, jumping every time her eyelashes fluttered even tho we knew there was no activity in her brain. In the perfect story, her eyes would've opened. She would've woken up. We wouldn't have lost her. We did. The story doesn't have a happy ending. We stumble thru our grief. I kind of like it when the stories I consume reflect things I've felt in my own heart; it helps learn to name my emotions, and find connection and solace in the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling them.

Not every story has a happy ending. Kathy's didn't. That's not a crime imo.

[luthien-under-bough]

20 questions for fic writers

@anamazingangie tagged me - and what better way to procrastinate on actually writing any of my fics??

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 92

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 378,489

3. What fandoms do you write for? House of the Dragon (Daemyra) almost exclusively now; previously mainly Dragon Age: Inquisition and Horizon Zero Dawn, with several different single fic fandoms like Assassin's Creed: Valhalla, Mass Effect, Star Wars, Skyrim, and probably others I'm forgetting.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I found some hate for you, just for show 

better not touch (i want it too much)

i got a bad desire (baby i'm on fire)

do you feel the hunger?

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I respond right away - other times it takes me a while to get to it. Tbh sometimes it's harder to think of a comment reply than it is to write the fic - especially those amazing long, thoughtful comments. I always worry nothing I can possibly respond will properly express how happy I am to receive them. But I truly appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment - nothing makes my day more than seeing that Ao3 comment email.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's got to be i've looked at clouds from both sides now - the ending is just purely hopeless angst. Even my necro fic where Daemon & Rhaenyra both die somehow has a less angsty ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It might surprise people to learn that a lot of my fics actually do end happily, despite my deep, abiding love of angst. peak ends very fluffy and happily; and after some angst in the middle, better not touch (i want it too much) has a very happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not outright hate - sometimes I get comments I don't necessarily appreciate, but I've been pretty lucky so far I guess? Maybe I'm not writing fucked up enough stuff, idk.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Whatever I'm in the mood for - which in the past couple of months has been cannibalism and necrophilia. So. But usually it's some flavor of Daemon being dominant and dirty-talking a lot, featuring my not-so-subtle hand/finger/ring kink and choking kink. I also really enjoy writing Sad Men Jerking Off.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Crossovers aren't usually my thing, although I did recently write a ridiculous HotD/Naked Attraction crossover: Naked Attraction: The Lost Episode.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Only once that I know of, but it was quickly taken down. It was literally a copy/paste of do you really feel alive without me mixed with the work of another Daemyra author.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, with my permission.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, although I definitely take a lot of inspiration from conversations I have with other writers in the fandom. I like to think we all mutually enable each other's ideas, with excellent results. And the #ghost 2 au that you might see pop up from my asks has definitely been a collaborative idea with a number of anons! Otherwise, my writing process is too chaotic to make co-writing really viable. I would end up being too stressed over annoying my co-writer with my disorganization.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Daemyra quickly took root in my brain and became my forever OTP. <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have confidence I'll finish all my HotD WIPs. I have an outstanding fic I wrote for The Magicians for a prompt event that is supposed to have a second chapter, but I don't know that I'll ever get around to it since all my fandom energy is spent on Daemyra these days.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I come up with some interesting premises and can push myself creatively pretty regularly. I feel like I'm good at adjusting my prose and narrative voice to suit the setting? Idk, I like my own dialogue and am not ashamed to admit I make myself laugh when writing a lot of it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Uhhh plotting lmao. I mostly write based on vibes. Also planning, outlining, posting with any sort of regular schedule, etc. Like I said earlier about my writing process - it's pure chaos.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I use High Valyrian phrases mixed into dialogue a lot, but otherwise I'm way too lazy to write in a language other than English because I'm nowhere close to fluent in any other language, and I don't want to embarrass myself with shitty online translations.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. Dramione was my original OTP. <3

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

My favorites change constantly depending on what mood I'm in. Here's my current fave from each of my fandoms:

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you (House of the Dragon)

Something Wretched About This (Dragon Age)

Closer Than My Hands Have Been (Horizon Zero Dawn)

You Don't Have to Go It Alone or: How to Handle Personnel Issues Aboard the Normandy (Mass Effect - okay this is also my only Mass Effect fic but I really like it so I'm including it)

I’m tagging: @grandlovescheme, @delinquentpurplefox, @rainbowslinkyy, @bluegoldrose

(if they haven’t already done it)

[fj-is-a-dumbass]

angry rant incoming, because i agree with all of this and it's FUCKED. UP. and i have my own story to add to this

(also if anyone uses anything other than they/them for me because they ASSUME, i will fucking find you and i promise you will regret it)

in my town (in australia, just fyi, and i dont live in one of the capitals), i've found (through research and word of associated personnel) that 99% of gynaes are also whatcha callit... fukin preggers doctors, obstetricitians. so, of course the pregnant people, the people with the (most likely) voluntary condition get prioritised over those of us who are sick and screwed up, and they make us wait months and in some cases YEARS. it makes me so mad, furious, violently angry. get more doctors that are gynae specifically.

dont get me wrong, pregnancy is one of the most dangerous things you can do with your body, and pregnant people deserve and need that urgent/priority care, but for FUCK SAKE. WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US. UTERUS-HAVERS ARE NOT BABY FACTORIES.

i ended up hospitalised from a side effect of trying to manage whatever bullshit condition i have. i took the oral birth control to manage the physical, mental, and emotional pain and incredible distress of the bullshit that my body does, and it was pure relief, not having to deal with my uterus's bullshit... right up until i got bilateral pulmonary emboli. that's right, you heard me; blood clots, two for the price of once, one for each lung.

(another side effect of ocp is aggression and mood swings. i became so calm and patient and peaceful, every single person around me noticed, just to put it in perspective how much this shit helped)

the gynae the emergency docs referred me to had the nerve to get back to me MONTHS after shit hit the fan. luckily for me, i shopped around and found a gynae that does not deal with pregnant people, and i only had to wait A MONTH (when i was told it would be taken care of 'right away because i was being treated for something else and the treatment caused this')

she had a letter sent, saying that she had given me an appointment. guess. fucking. when.

january next year. (i write this in june 2024, i recieved the letter some time in march or something, i don't recall)

ONE FULL YEAR AFTER SHIT HIT THE FAN. talk about rIgHt AwAy.

i laughed that kind of angry laugh you do because you're about to lose your entire shit at someone-- i mean, what a fucked up world!

'your health is important to us--'

bull-fucking-SHIT bro, i bet that you lot could NOT care less if i, or people like me or worse-off, died while waiting and i would bet my life on it. why? because if you cared, if the system cared, none of us would be waiting this long.

it's fucked up, it really is, and i havent even MENTIONED yet, how my gp (general practitioner, idk how it works in other countries but you see your gp for everything and to get referrals to 'specialists' like gynaecologists), REFUSED TO GIVE ME A REFERRAL TO A GYNAECOLOGIST AT ALL EVEN THOUGH I WAS ASKING.

i have a round-about jumbled way of asking for things coz my brain is a mess and i get a bit nervous, but the request was unmistakable. she did not give. i did not get. (could i have avoided getting bilateral pe? MAYBE.)

i have more beef with that doctor, but that's neither here nor there.

why is it that every single doctor never understands what you, the patient, wants with their own fucking body.

why are the wait lists so long, you assholes.

fuck you all.

(to be clear, i dont blame gynaecologists and obstetricians 100%, but i blame the ones that wear both hats more, and the system even moreso because the system allocates the resources and i am DONE getting screwed in my a by it).

i'll be keeping my appointment with that other gynaecologist, (and she'll find out exactly how angry i am. civilly. somewhat.) but i just...

i have almost no respect for doctors anymore, and i lost the last of my respect after they saved my damn life. riddle me that.

people with uteruses exist, people with uteruses with problems of ANY kind exist and are far more common than allocated resources would imply, and they deserve to be seen and treated without this bullshit waiting time that does nothing but prolong pain, suffering, and risk of permenant injury or death.

stop grouping pregnant people in with the sick people, it does neither group any favours.

wishing everyone in charge of resource allocation, and those that don't listen, a very special

FUCK YOU

no clue what causes pcos. no clue what causes endometriosis. 2 year waiting lists to see a gynecologist. you'd think female bodies only started existing 50 years ago

[kerbrobro]

FINALLY picked Pokémon Crystal back up and beat the champion. What a stupid spot to leave off on for a month or two lol. Obviously this is a game where you haven't REALLY beaten it til you do Kanto, but having hit the credits, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it.

My big Pokemon kick (which has since waned, and is why I took so long to beat Lance despite having a save right before him) was started by playing the Pure Green romhack earlier this year, and having the most fun I've had with Pokémon since I was a kid, or maybe when I briefly got back into it with X. It's not really fair to compare anything to a romhack, but if one could make gen 1 feel like my favorite game, than I feel like it's okay to say that Gen 2 has an amazing base that just needs a little modern polish.

Aesthetically, it's perfect, great music and vibes, fun new Pokémon, the world being so much bigger is amazing, but man is it annoying to juggle HMs. Honestly, most other complaints I have are nothing a person with a normal brain would be bothered by lol. Like the "daily tasks" (Berries, apricots, radio contests, etc) are a great addition with the real time stuff! But smetimes I got too caught up in doing them. Which is my fault, not the game's.

Idk, now I feel like I've taken too long to finish it, with too many long breaks on top of that, to give proper thoughts until I dive back in and do the post game (which again, is half of the real game with this one). I always said gen 2 was my favorite, and I gotta figure out if that's really just nostalgia. Maybe for now I can say it's my favorite conceptually or for the time it came out.

Probably a good time to mention that I would have played Polished Crystal or something like that, but I only beat Gold as a kid and had a real copy of Crystal lying around for years. Wanted to do the vanilla experience so I could stop saying "Crystal is technically my favorite because it's better Gold" like an idiot lol. That, and replacing the battery was a nice little project.

[thebangtancloud]

I'm really afraid...

dearest readers, it's been the longest period of time I've been away from Tumblr - a place that really had become a stress buster for me for the past whole year. Needless to say, I'm more stressed than I've ever been.

Tomorrow by this, I'd probably be sleeping for 16 hours straight after finishing my exam. I really needed to come here and just let out a few of my frustrations before I can write my exam tomorrow. I'm really struggling with a shit ton of things rn, and it's really come to the stage where I've saturated my brain to the point where I go blank minutes into opening my book. Maybe I just need to talk about it.

Thankfully I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. A few months ago - when my anxiety was getting out of my hand - there would be instances I'd simply pass out due to my stress, which I feared would happen during my exam or even before it. I made it a point to eat healthy food regularly to give my body the nutrition that it needs, but somewhere down the line, I haven't been taking good care of myself.

I've stopped working out like I used to, I don't run anymore and neither am I able to sit through long workouts because I'm exhausted from sitting at my desk all day. A few weeks ago I went through a really dark phase, to the point where I wasted a good week doing absolutely nothing but lying down in the darkness and thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my life. During that time, I excessively slept for almost 12 hours each day, went to cook some food or do some work and lie back down for another nap. That really terrified me, because one day I found myself taking the lift to the last floor of my building and simply standing by an open window - emotionless. That really... idk. That scared me. It planted a thought in my head that should never germinate, never even be there for that matter. I told my mum that night and needless to say, she was really shaken. She clearly told me the next day when she left for work, "Just take it easy. And don't go to the 18th floor. Just don't."

Of course, I haven't gone there ever since. Maybe it was me crying out to God every night - but I came out of that phase just as quickly as I slipped into it. I don't even want to mention this, but it's been playing on my mind for a while so why not. There was this big thing in my country regarding the postponement of the entrance exam. Apparently, the dates were clashing with a bunch of different exams and giving the students a lot of stress. A case was filed which was taken to the High Court because apparently there were 16 reported suicides due to the pressure on the students. The case - of course - was dismissed with the exam scheduled to take place as planned. That just really disturbed me.

I'm much more active now, just not like I want to be. I want to go for a run. I want to work out till my lungs burns. I want to go cycling in the rain. And I will after I'm done with this exam.

I know you're probably thinking of telling me to take it easy, but since I've given this exam last year and couldn't clear it, I know the stress and the disappointment that follows. I don't want to be in that same place again.

Thankfully, I feel healthy, unlike a few months ago when I'd feel lightheaded not even an hour after eating something (which was all due to my anxiety lol). I'm much more confident about my paper - the only fear now being blanking out in the middle of the exam.

*sigh*

I feel good to write this. I feel good to be back on Tumblr. The comments and messages people have left really warm my heart and make me feel so loved. Thank you so much for that. I love you all.

It's only me predicting the hibernation that I'll slip into after my exam, but my mum insists that I'll be too excited to even think of sleeping lol. If I do not end up sleeping for days on end, I'll soon be here to chat with you all!!

~Ray🌦

[sporadicthingcollection]

we need cad bane and irno cock warming. idk what the premise is yet but this thought has been in my brain for too long and it needs to be released

TRIPLE. WIELDING.

99 Problems: Entry #80 (Cad Bane x F!Reader)

Summary: You are Irno Favara. You're not a jealous woman. But when the guy you're sleeping with is flirting right in front of you... you get a little agitated.

Pairing: Cad Bane x F!Reader

Rating: 🌶 Explicit 🌶

Word Count: ~3.8k

Warnings: Prostitution/sex work, cockwarming, oral sex (male receiving), semi-public sex, PiV sex

<;&lt;< | masterpost | >>>

DRIVE R//: User > Irno > Desktop > Vacay Pics (send to Ludo) > Zeltron > Pola > Hot Guys > Dossiers > Cad.hpd

THINGS I KNOW ABOUT CAD BANE

#80: he had a girl in every port at one point, it seems like. doesn't surprise me but at the same time i'm surprised.

---

You are Irno Favara. You are in a foul mood.

Because, despite the fact that he’s got his arm around your waist and a firm grip on your thigh, Cad Bane is flirting with the woman across from you.

You understand why. Miss Oksana is probably the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. Luscious, bouncy red hair. Flawless skin the color of dark amber. And a rack that even you can’t help but steal glances at. She’s wearing a high neckline, but that only seems to make them look bigger.

What are those, anyways? Double Dorns? Shit, she might be a Forn. Are they real? There’s no way. She’s not even plump, so her band size is probably pretty small...

...you kinda want to squish them. Not even in a sexual way, they just look... squishable.

Cad’s rumbling chuckle brings you back planetside. "Don't try to cheat me, li'l lady," he says. "You know I hate hagglin'."

Miss Oksana smiles. It's a warm smile that makes you want to get to know her better. For a brothel madam, she seems... Really nice. Motherly. "I have to look out for my girls," she says simply.

"Dey look awful well taken care of," he says. "Dey get bigger since I last saw 'em?"

You can really only blink. Cad Bane is not a stupid man and that's probably the dumbest thing you've ever heard him say.

Miss Oksana lets out a smoky laugh. "Perhaps," she says. "But I meant my working girls. If it gets out that I've been selling customer information, my reputation is on the line."

The information, of course, is on this Cynga Paol you've been chasing for months now. You're happy to be one step closer to him, but...

That would mean Cad’s end of the transaction is up. He'd have no reason to stay. And that thought makes you feel empty. Sad. You hate feeling like that.

"I'd make sure nothin' happened to ya, Oksy. Or yer girls. Promise," he says.

She laughs again. This one seems... Bitter. "You're terrible at keeping promises, Cad. Especially verbal ones."

"S'easier when I can remember what's bein' said." He grins crookedly. "Ya really had a way of suckin' de sense right outta me."

"It's not hard." She winds a stand of red hair around her finger. "You just put your lips together and blow."

Through the fabric of his shirt, you feel Cad's chest heat up. Something hard pokes your ass and it's not his blaster.

Indignation bubbles in your stomach. "I'm right here," you hiss.

"So you are," Oksana says.

Bane gives you a withering look. "What's yer point?"

You hop off his lap. "I'd like to speak to him privately," you say to Miss Oksana without taking your eyes off of him.

She raises a brow, but as she does, the door opens. The biggest Togruta you've ever seen sticks his head in, his brow knit in concern.

"Miss Oksana," he rumbles. A basso profundo, as they say in the opera. "Ploriss is making trouble again. Will speak only to you."

Miss Oksana slumps and rubs the bridge of her nose, muttering something under her breath in what you think might be Ryl. "Excuse me for a minute. This won't take long."

She leaves with the Togruta.

As soon as the door closes, you return your attention to Cad. "You didn't tell me you knew her," you hiss.

He shrugs. "Wasn't relevant," he says, examining his knuckles.

"The hell it wasn't!" You cross your arms and jut your hip to the side. "If I'd known you wanted to sleep with her, I'd have stayed on the ship."

He doesn't even look at you. "Nothin' stoppin' ya from walkin' back."

Now that just makes your blood boil. "So you do want to sleep with her!"

"I'm a man with eyes an' a workin' cock," he snorts. The corner of his lips quirk up, and you see his tongue swipe across his teeth, the way he does when he's hungry. "As you well know."

He lifts one leg up onto the desk, showing off the tent near his groin. He rests his palm on it, adjusting his equipment with his spindly fingers.

You won't lie -- it's hot. And aggravating.

You know why. You like this man more than you care to admit and the thought of him thinking of another woman while he gropes himself makes your blood boil.

You'll show him.

Reaching under your dress, you yank your panties off -- no easy task, considering they're under your garter belt. You only stumble twice while getting them over the heels of your pumps.

Cad's brows shoot up as he watches you stuff them in your purse. "What are you--"

You drop to your knees. Before he realizes what's happening, you've pried open his fly and yanked his cock out. Half-hard, it twitches at your touch.

His lips curl into a smirk. "Kinky today, ain't ya?" He lets out a slight hiss as you pull him into your mouth. "Ain't complainin'."

You've sucked a lot of dick in your time -- probably too much dick -- but this dick is by far your favorite. The way he purrs as the head slips from its sheath, how his ridges inflate beneath your tongue, how heavy his balls are as you gently squeeze them.

"Dat's right, ya li'l minx," he rasps. "Keep suckin'. Finish me off before she gets back..."

You give him the performance of a lifetime. For about thirty seconds. Just enough to get him lubed up and enough to make your pussy wet.

With a sharp pop, you pull away and sit back on your haunches. Reaching into your purse, you pull out your compact. It's not a question of if you ruined your lipstick, but of how much...

Cad stares at you, eyes narrowed. "Get back down dere."

Huh. That lipstick actually stayed on far better than you expected. Guess this brand is a keeper.

"Ya deaf, girl?" Cad growls. He tries to push your head back down, but you resist.

Instead, you stand, turn on your heel and place yourself onto his cock. You hiss as it enters, pleasantly stretching your insides. A key into its lock.

He lets out a strangled gasp and grips your hips. He starts to push you off, but then the door opens and it turns to scrambling to position your dress to cover your joining.

Miss Oksana slides back behind her desk. "Sorry about the interruption," she says. "Some lunk of a Twi'lek getting rough with the girls. Where were we?"

Cad opens his mouth, but you give your pelvic muscles a tight clench. His teeth click as his jaw snaps shut, and he swallows a groan.

"We were discussing the price of the information," you say. "Three million is a bit steep, but I can do one million."

Miss Oksana blinks at you. For a brief moment, her gaze flickers to Cad, but it quickly returns to you. "Not enough. Gotta cover my bases."

You hear Cad take a raspy breath. He presses his lips to the back of your neck. "I'm gunna kill ya," he breathes.

You suddenly realize that you have no idea how empty that threat is.

---

Negotiations go well. You manage to haggle her down to a reasonable amount. One and three quarters of a million is a bit steep, but you can swing it.

Cad doesn't seem too happy to see you spending what would have been his money, but whenever he tries to protest, you give his cock a squeeze and he shuts right up.

Miss Oksana sticks her hand out to shake and you lean forward without thinking. Your pussy pops off his cock with a wet shlick that you hope isn't as loud as it felt.

If she heard it, she doesn't react to it -- just gives your hand a firm shake. She has gorgeous nails, long and brightly painted with little rhinestones set in them.

"I have a bit of business to take care of, so I won't be able to show you out," she says as she stays. "Just fill out the cheque and leave it on the desk."

"Will do," you say. "It was nice to meet you."

She looks a little surprised at that. "Pleasure to meet you too. And to see you again, Cad."

He swallows thickly before speaking. "S'all mine, li'l lady," he says absently.

With a parting smile, she leaves the room.

You hop off of his lap and reach for your purse. "That went well," you say. You fish around for your chequepad.

You get no response, and you glance at him. His eyes are hidden behind the brim of his hat, but his mouth is open and the tips of his fangs are just visible. The head of his cock glistens with precum and your own juices, and he's hard enough that his hips shift with every throb.

It's quite the sight.

Your mouth waters. You really want to blow him again. But first thing's first. You scribble down the agreed upon amount and place the little cheque card on the desk.

"Tuck yourself back in," you say. "Soon as we get back to the ships, you can ride me."

He lets out a... Noise. Somewhere between a growl and a hiss. Wet and hot. Before you realize what's happening, he snatches your waist and lifts you up. He claps his hand over your mouth so you can't squeal.

He deposits you roughly back onto his cock. He doesn't say a word, just wraps his arms around your waist and thrusts up into you.

It's rough. It's crude. You didn't realize you needed it until you felt your insides stretch and burn from his length. A little whimper escapes you and that only makes him thrust harder.

"Fuckin' shameless," he chokes into your ear. "Y'oughta be downstairs wit' de rest o' de workin' girls...!"

You've entertained that idea more than a few times in your life. You've been trading your body for favors since the neighbor boy first asked you to lift up your skirt in exchange for candy when you were...

...huh. You wonder if you should see a shrink.

Your psychological musings are interrupted by a sharp pain in your collarbone. You squeak as Cad sinks his fangs into you, his tongue lapping at the little punctures.

Ah, it hurts so damn good. Goes right down your spine to make your clit throb. You really are a little masochist, aren't you?

You reach down to toy with yourself as he thrusts and sucks. Spread your lips with your index and ring finger, twiddle and swirl with the middle.

This was a fantastic idea, you decide.

He releases your collarbone to bury his face in your neck. His voice is muffled by the skin and so hoarse you can barely understand it.

"Tastes so sweet," you think he says. "'S'like fuckin' candy."

Based on his heavy breathing and his slowing strokes, you think he's close. Your chest grows hot and your pussy aches as it begins to tighten.

Time to bring it home.

You go to clap your hand over your mouth to muffle your moan, but Cad beats you there. He stuffs his blunt-tipped fingers in your mouth, pressing down on your tongue.

You do the only thing you can think to do. You bite.

The delicate skin of one of his fingertips pops like a ripe berry, spraying your tongue with the taste of freshly-minted credits. 

It's his turn to cry out -- though it's more like a breathy, choked growl than anything. He tightens his grip on you and pushes down.

He erupts inside of you, spraying your insides with thin, watery seed.

It feels wonderful.

It's just enough to tip you over the edge. It's not your most powerful orgasm, but it feels good. Your pussy twitches as you suck his fingertips.

Finally, he slumps. Pulls his fingers from your mouth and buries his face in your hair as he wraps his arms around you, breathing heavily.

You relax into his embrace. Despite the circumstances, it still feels wonderful.

You realize that he's holding his bleeding finger away from your dress, and you can't help but smile. Awfully thoughtful of him.

"Yer de worst," he mumbles into your hair.

"Like attracts like." You take his injured hand and examine it. The cut on his middle finger isn't as deep as you thought it would be, but it's bleeding a lot. "Hand me my purse."

He does so. You pull your panties out and remove one of the little bacta bandages you carry in case of emergencies. You peel the paper off and wrap it around his finger.

He finally seems to come back planetside. He examines the bandage. You think he might be annoyed with it -- it's a pretty vivid pink, after all -- but he says nothing. Just eases you off his cock and into a standing position.

You squeeze your legs tight as you reach for your panties, but he snatches them up before you can.

"Cad!" you hiss.

He remains silent as he plucks his hat off his head. Staring into your eyes, he tucks them into the crown.

You stare at him. "Are you kidding me?"

He still says nothing. Just places his hat back on his head as he stands up. He only breaks eye contact to zip his fly back up, but he grabs your wrist when you try to snatch his stupid hat.

He gives it a warning squeeze. I could snap it if I wanted to.

You try to break his grip. So do it.

His grip tightens, and for the briefest of moments, you realize you've pushed your luck. You flinch hard, waiting to hear the snap...

...but it doesn't come. Instead, Cad Bane gives you a toothy, blood-tinged grin. He releases your wrist and, quickly, swipes his unwounded fingers over the bite mark on your collarbone. You flinch again, this time in actual pain.

Cad takes a moment to examine the beads of red blood, smearing it around his fingertips with his thumb. Then he licks it off his fingertips one at a time, as if they were the last drops of a delicious sauce.

It's hot in a weird way. You can't explain it. But it also pisses you off.

You go to shove your fingers up your pussy, give him a taste of his own medicine, but he's turned around and opened the door before you can even get your dress out of the way.

---

Generally speaking, there are worse places to be walking through with spunk dripping down your legs. It's a bordello -- this carpet has seen worse things. And it's crowded enough in here that there's no way anyone could pick you out of the crowd as the culprit.

You jump out of your skin when a hand jerks you into a side room.

"I'm so sorry," you sputter. "It's not my fault--"

You realize you're in a powder room... a really nice one, decorated in dark browns and golds. It's got a pretty porcelain sink with a big mirror.

And in that mirror, you see Miss Oksana. She doesn't look mad. Just... Disappointed.

You barely know this woman and you still cringe under her stern gaze. "I'm so sorry," you murmur.

"I'm sure you are." She opens a closet door and pulls out a fresh towel. "Clean yourself up," she says, shoving it at you.

Relief overrides your shame and you get to mopping up Cad's mess. "Thank you," you say.

"Don't mention it." She pulls something else out of the closet. You recognize the red medical symbol on the case. "It's a tough galaxy. We women have to look out for each other."

Shame bubbles in your belly. "I really do appreciate it."

She fiddles around in the case. "Then can I give you some advice?"

You stare at her. The lines on her face suggest she's a worldly, intelligent woman. "Sure?"

"One: piss as soon as you get home. UTIs are terrible," she says. She pulls out a bottle and a cotton ball and squints at the label. "Two: don't try to cockwarm in an office. It's not subtle. Save it for a crowd."

You flinch. "Sorry."

She ignores you, still squinting at the label. She gives the bottle a hard shake. "Three: hitch your bantha somewhere else."

You pause in your cleaning to frown at her. "Huh?"

"I'm gonna tell you a story, hon." She tips the contents of the bottle onto the cotton ball, soaking the white fluff with a bluish gel. "Once upon a time, there was a young woman all starry-eyed over a bad boy bounty hunter who was good in bed. She thought there was something more to him than violence and credits. She was wrong."

You blink. This is one of those 'and that little girl was me' stories. You can feel it. "If you're trying to tell me something, just say it."

Miss Oksana actually smiles at that. "Didn't mean to patronize," she says. She blows on the cotton ball. "My point is that Cad Bane is rotten to the core."

You snort. "I'm very aware of that," you say. You resume your cleaning. "He stole my panties."

She laughs. It's a low, smoky sound. "Did that to me more times than I can count."

Once the complaint train is running, it doesn't stop. "And he bit me! And he didn't do it now but he's spanked me before. One time he fucked me and turned me in for the bounty--"

She raises a brow at you. "You were a wanted woman?"

"Still am," you say. You give a sheepish smile. "I like other people's jewelry."

She blinks. "And you like this guy?"

"Look, I know it's dumb," you say. You really do know it's dumb. You've tried and failed to justify it to yourself way too many times. "But I respect a man who can kick my ass."

She shakes her head. Her hair practically shimmers in the light. "Most men can kick your ass, dear. You're fifty kilos soaking wet."

Bad phrasing. You sputter a bit. "Well-- I mean--" You swallow. What did you mean? "Look, I just like him, okay? He's rough and gritty but--"

The rest of the sentence is but I like that.

But she cuts you off as she eyes the gauze. "You can't change him. So don't try."

You frown. "Why would I want to change him?"

Her gaze snaps from the cotton ball to you. Dark, onyx-colored eyes bore into you. She doesn't blink for a good few seconds.

But finally, the corner of her mouth quirks up. Gently, she presses the cotton ball to the puncture on your neck. You expect it to be cold, but it only stings a little from the disinfectant.

"His feet are ticklish," she says, dabbing the cotton ball. "And if you ever need to disable him for a second but don't want to actually hurt him, stick your thumb between the ribs just under his pecs. You'll hit a fluid sack."

Interesting. You commit those facts to memory. "Anything else?"

"He doesn't look it, but he really likes good food." She withdraws the cotton ball and places it in a wastebasket. Rummaging through the case again, she pulls out a bandage. "And he makes cute noises when you play with his ass during sex."

You're well aware of both of those things, but you appreciate the input.

You finish mopping yourself up as she peels the bandage from its paper. Gently, she places it on your collarbone.

"Thank you," you say earnestly.

"Like I said: women have to stick together." She smooths it out and gives it a light tap. "Now shoo. Don't want to keep him waiting."

You nod. Placing the towel into a hamper, you wash your hands and go to exit the room, only to pause. "...can I ask a question?" Oksana nods, and you continue. You cup your hands over your breasts. "Are those... Real?"

She raises a shapely brow at you. "You looking to get work done?"

The thought of going under the laser makes you shudder. "No, I'm just curious."

She stares at you a moment, then smiles. "All natural Greks," she says.

All you can really do is blink. Holy shit.

---

Oksana watches as you stagger off.

Bane is leaning against the wall, watching one of the dancing girls, but he immediately snaps to attention when you pass. He says something, but you don't respond. He actually looks concerned as you stroll right past him, and he chases after you.

She's not sure if she likes you. It's entirely personal. You're a little brat with more money than sense. And practically nothing in the tits department.

But you seem... Genuine. You know what you're getting into. Don't seem to have any illusions about who Cad Bane is.

She was young and stupid when she tried to tie him down -- somehow convinced that she could make an honest man of him and he'd take her away from the bordellos and the backrooms. That he'd protect her and take care of her.

He wouldn't. He didn't. He looked out for himself, as he always did.

But you clearly don't want that. You want someone to have your back while you're cavorting across rooftops and picking pockets. You want someone to feed your vices and to feed his in turn.

You don't want a good man. And for that reason, you might just have a chance.

"She's kinda cute." For such a massive Togruta, Bori moves like a whisper. She didn't even hear him. "Surprised you didn't try to recruit her."

Oksana shrugs. "Zelties are more trouble than they're worth."

Something crashes from upstairs, followed by a shriek. Without a word, Bori is vaulting in the direction of the sound.

She sighs to herself as she watches him. Taking a deep breath, she steels herself for confrontation and follows.

She wishes you all the luck in the galaxy. You're going to need it.

---

DRIVE R//: User > Irno > Desktop > Vacay Pics (send to Ludo) > Zeltron > Pola > Hot Guys > Dossiers > Cad2.hpd

THINGS I COULD USE AGAINST CAD BANE

#80: tickle feet. jab fluid sacks. get him food drunk. thank you very much, miss oksana.

---

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[thattheatretrash]

hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

[dreamygeorgenap-archive]

I've been toying with a theory these last few days which kinda ties in with that anon you just answered which talks about how their relationship shifted following the trident stream.

I feel like the trident stream was sort of a turning point for Dream and George. Dream openly admitting he's jealous of George talking to other people without him and stating that he's "used to having George's attention 24/7" and how it was "stripped away from him" was very out of pocket from Dream. Both George and the viewers were used to those small genuine moments and the baity flirty comments from Dream which were mostly ignored or laughed off by George but those two jealousy moments in the trident stream were real. Dream was genuinely distressed which also showed in the fact that he hadn't been able to sleep in those 3 days he wasn't talking to George.

I think maybe George realised something about Dream following this. George seemed taken aback by Dream's outbursts and made the "oh no, I'm being told off" face to the chat a few times (ESPECIALLY when Sapnap tried to include himself by asking why Dream hadn't been texting him because he was also "ditching" Dream.) which was clearly to make the outbursts seem more light hearted than they actually were. I think George already knew that Dream's relationship with him is very different compared to Dream's relationship with Sapnap but I don't think he realised how different it was before this. Because Dream is basically saying that he's fine with not talking to Sapnap but he can't go long without having to talk to George. This is probably the closest we get to Dream saying he prefers one of them over the other which he tries not to do (ex. In Dream's latest stream where he says that he looks up to both of them 50% each.) and that might have set something in motion in George's head.

I don't think Dream and George have talked about Dream's jealousy outbursts or any feelings at all. I just don't think George is dumb. I think he maybe realises that Dream might have some non-platonic feelings for him which is why he's suddenly all baity and in Dream's face with shipping and such. Dream isn't used to George being like that which is why he's suddenly all shy and quiet about it. Prime example (although there are many!) is the #askdream where George asks him why he's so cute. Dream sounded SO flustered and tried to act weirded out by why George would ask that but he failed miserably at it. George keeps pushing Dream but he's not meeting any resistence because Dream doesn't want to resist or just doesn't know how.

My conclusion: George might have realised that Dream feels differently about him from his jealousy outbursts on the trident stream and he's now teasing Dream about it to maybe get a reaction of some sort? Idk.

Disclaimer: I don't think George has any ill intent with his baity behavior towards Dream, he's known to hide his feelings behind humour and he thinks bait is funny, so :)

Around the time of trident stream and George’s dethronement stream, we definitely saw a shift in dynamic between the two. George seems to be flirting more and everything from Dream seems more real, plus their friends have been making a ton of dnf jokes that say to me that Dream and George act exactly the same - flirty and always talking to and about each other - off camera as they do on camera.

We need to remember something else that happened around this time too - George became really close friends with Quackity. That was the source of Dream’s two outbursts during that stream. That George was in a call with Quackity (and Karl, but mostly Quackity) for hours and Dream didn’t know and when he finally realized, they had already been in a call for hours. Those were Dream’s words, that’s what he said. So we know the green boy was actually jealous. Then, when Sapnap said “I’ve been on team speak, am I not enough for you?” to Dream, Dream said that about the Dream team that none of them will thrive if they aren’t all together. Which was very cute and a great moment.

I answered an ask about this the other day that basically agreed with what you’re saying, that George isn’t stupid and can read between the lines of what Dream isn’t saying. I agree that he was probably making those faces for the stream, to lighten the mood. Now, I cannot see Dream and George sitting around to talk about their feelings. I can’t see them doing that. But I do think these jealous outbursts probably struck George and made him realize things. And those things could be that he shouldn’t leave Dream for three days because then he’ll yell at you on stream lol

I think George is also learning, from Quackity, how to express his emotions and show that he cares for people. We saw him do this with Quackity and with Karl in one of George’s recent streams, where George said Karl added a lot to the video. Little things like that, George wouldn’t do a year ago or even 3 months ago. So I also think maybe George’s flirting has something to do with that? Idk. That might be grasping at straws but Quackity is definitely teaching him how to be more express that he loves and appreciates his friends.

I don’t have much to say about the “why are you so cute?” question because I agree that George was baiting and I also think Dream was just flustered. He’s proven before that he gets flustered when George people flirt with him. Evidence by his “WHATTT”. So idk his reaction made sense to me.

I do think the dynamic has shifted and that things have changed and I think that Quackity and George getting closer, the trident stream, and George’s dethronment stream, have all had a hand in the change. I love your big brain, anon!

[vtforpedro]

health update, long post - TWs in tags

I haven't made an update in a while because I am exhausted. more exhausted than I can say head is still bad. working with the new neuro and just last week he gave me the diagnosis of IIH I've been waiting for a year to happen c': because he's smart and knows everything has been ruled out and when I explain it feels like a bowling ball is sitting on the bridge of my nose during episodes and that my ears feel full, I have visual disturbances, I'm having trouble with memory/information processing, my nose pops lol that I am describing a fuck ton of pressure in my skull so I didn't have to do the lumbar puncture. wish the US would get caught up with the UK because they advise against LPs because they're DANGEROUS and doctors can use those extra years of school to make big brain decisions anyway. we're doing this thing of going up on one med at a time and over three weeks to reduce side effects because I am so sensitive to meds. going up on the med that treats the nerve pain I get from my brain being swollen from PRESSURE and pressing against the giant nerve on the side of my head lol taken three times a day so going up on dose more each week to get to the desired dose then I'll take the ~magic~ drug that is the only one prescribed to treat IIH by reducing the amount of spinal fluid surrounding your brain. really REALLY terrifies me because tons of people have to get off of it because of bad side effects and I'm already so sensitive 😭 but we're starting at a really low dose, half the usual starting dose, and also doing a three week thing to get to the desired dose if it doesn't help, he'll refer me to an IIH specialist at our big neuro hospital (my insurance might not let me see them though so I may have to go elsewhere but I was thinking why haven't they done that in the past year when he said it 🙃) and also probably a migraine specialist things are moving forward with that at least in remission from leukemia for 10 months as of last month and will be 12 in the first week of december!! my hematologist moved our appts out every six months c: so that's good. I got really lucky with it. still probably stuck in my apartment for another year because people can't get their shit together to put an end to covid. blood cancers can not only cause severe illness/death (and my labs are still abnormal even if the leukemia isn't detectable) but it could cause it to come out of remission with a vengeance so. can't be around people had to fight my apt complex just yesterday not to send maintenance in to change the fucking lightbulbs because I can't have people (who are apparently not required to wear masks anymore!!!!) who have been in countless other apts come into mine ha ha ha whole host of new GI problems tho!!!! so that's been fun. can't find a reason for it either so I'm not sure what my GI is gonna. do about it. I've had the double scope procedure, multiple abdominal ultrasounds and CT scans and now a good amount of labs with nothing that explains why I get some severe pain and constipation. haven't been constipated this entire year cause of my diet and it just started one day despite no changes. really frustrating I had a pain about a week ago so bad I could barely walk. it was low enough that I don't know if it was GI or reproductive system but it's been not great with pain saw an OBGYN yesterday for a pap smear. kinda still concerned about le lady parts but she said everything looked fine at least probably gonna get off birth control after we see how I do on the IIH med so we can determine where side effects, if any, are coming from. she said I will likely see positive benefits and both her and neuro agreed it might help my migraines weight loss has kind of stopped. right at 40lbs too. it's been so frustrating and I've tried to change up the foods I'm eating but it's just not happening. I absolutely need to lose more weight for the IIH so idk what to do. can't exercise at all. can barely move around to go to appointments and I barely make it through all the stuff I have to do after we're thinking I may need a

shower chair soon. it'll help but it also sucks that I need one at all. makes me sad, especially for the next reason! I woke up this morning to see that disability denied my claim. even after everything I gave her. I was expecting this, but still hoping for good news because of *gestures broadly* all of this, plus my neuropsych and psych both diagnosing me with severe depression and ptsd lmao so I'm kind of. really fucking down right now it could take two years before I have a hearing with a judge after appealing. I can only hope the lawyer I spoke to in april sticks to his word and takes my case on my age is working against me but I've had a history of depression/anxiety since I was 10 and started to be treated then too anyway this is getting really long. I've had so many appointments already this month and it's exhausting. it's exhausting having to deal with doctors who are as shitty as ever and it's exhausting having to come home and do covid procedure/shower and it's exhausting having to be worried about getting covid from medical professionals who are not nearly as careful as they should be I can't count how many times they've asked me or suggested I take off my masks lol this phlebotomist tried to kill me last week (I may be exaggerating) and had to get help despite my excellent veins that even while dehydrated give quick/good blood and the guy she had to call in to help told me I could take off my masks b/c that helps him with anxiety attacks I got an 'anxiety attack' because not only did she keep moving the needle in my arm over and over and over again but she gripped it so hard it was causing me 10/10 pain I CAN STILL FEEL THE BRUISE but she kept doing it after I was telling her it hurt very badly so I got super woozy and had to lie down lmao and then she missed my vein in my hand. when I had one tiny tube left out of SEVEN. he got it instantly and quickly I'm tired of these people!!!!! I'm tired of shit luck and shitty medical professionals I'm tired tired tired of it had three appts with the psychologist and it didn't work out cause he was a man in the end. but I have an intake appointment with a therapist today to get an official therapist and I'm crossing my fingers. I need an actual trauma therapist and a woman who will not likely laugh and say we need to work on my 'taste in men' like they weren't the ones to choose to abuse me my father and brother the longest??????? so lol wonderful thing to say but w/e. men being men my neuro wants an mri done in late dec/early jan and while I'm extremely...... extreeeemely......... tired of medical imaging, it'll probably be my last one unless something goes very wrong for like six months I cannot tell y'all how tired I am of all of this. they hand out labs and imaging orders like candy to likely avoid malpractice without a care or thought to the patient's time and money depression is bad right now. I'm just tired of all of this ANYWAY! even longer now I had to get a pill case cause my memory is getting so awful I will forget if I took my medicine or not within minutes of the time I need to and it's about 50/50 I think so I am either missing or doubling doses and yeah. I feel old. but it's rainbow-colored at least 😂 hope you're all doing well and staying safe. crazy world we live in and I hope it calms down eventually as far as the plague goes love you all very much. thanks for being so supportive and thank you ahead of time for any replies. I'm terrible at getting back to you all when I shouldn't be. I lack the spoons sometimes

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

ahh you're one of my fav writers and I'm so happy you've reached over 3k!!! for the follower celebration thing could I request Javier pena x Fem!reader and the prompt thingy number 15 ! maybe like they're partners and they go out for a drink after work and get super drunk? idk you're the mastermind here haha. I've been binge watching narcos and Pedro just looks so fine in it 🥰 I'm so not ready for it to end 😔 thank u so much!!! love u!!

Thank you so so much 🥺💕

Binge watching narcos is how it all starts. I’m telling you... 😂

And the prompt.... I don’t even know how this got so out of hand lol

It’s been one long fucking week. A long week with nothing that was bringing you closer to getting Escobar. It seemed like days seemed to fade into weeks and into months in a blink of an eye and there was nothing you could about it.

So Javier like the saint he tried to make you believe (he hadn’t been able to keep a straight face) he was, took you out to get some drinks.

That’s how you found yourself on the early Saturday morning sitting at a dark table at some bar, people watching. It was way past your bedtime but you had nowhere to be the next day. Or more like later that day. You hated the taste of whiskey yet Javi had made you taste some of his, before he got you some fruity beverage that had made your head spin after the third.

“You know what I miss Javi?” you slurred, emptying your drink in one go. You looked at him, seeing him raise his left eyebrow in question.

“I miss having my head empty. I want to wake up in the morning and not having my first thought be that I’m miserable because there’s people fucking dying out here while I had my 3 hours of sleep.”

He only nodded.

“You have to search something that makes you forget,” he said and you snorted.

“You mean like fucking my way through the city?”

“If that’s what helps you,” he shrugged yet there was something in his eyes you couldn’t quite name.

“You forget that I can’t do that. I’m not a man. It’s hard to be taken seriously around here anyways. If I’d be labeled the DEA slut I could just pack my things and leave.”

“Fuck them,” he hissed and you actually had to laugh.

“You’re too good to me Javier Peña,” you smiled, leaning back in your seat. You saw him shook his head.

“I’m really not,” he brought his glass to his lips before he got up and walked over to the bar, leaving you alone with your thoughts. The sad truth was that you were head over heels with Javier. And the longer you spent time alone with him, without anyone around, the more you felt let lose and not like the world was suffocating you. 

“I got you some water and some crackers. Your head is gonna explode if you don’t hydrate.” Javi was so close as he leaned down setting the pitcher of water down in front of you.

“See? You are too good to me,” and before you could stop yourself you kissed his cheek before he could walk away from you. He stopped to look at you and your eyes grew wide as you noticed what you’d done. He only gulped before he turned and sat down on his seat.

You reached for a cracker, emptying a big glass of water, ignoring the way he looked at you.

“You know...”, he grabbed his newly filled glass of whiskey and pulled his chair closer to yours. “We could find something to clear your mind.”

“Yeah?” you laughed, he only nodded.

“Yeah. Like getting shitfaced every week. You’d have to practice though. You’re a light weight,” he teased.

“Pffft,” you huffed, elbowing him lightly in his side. He was so close. He smiled at you.

“No I’m serious. I need you here to get Escobar. And I’ll do whatever it takes to help you help me.”

“Anything?” you gasped. He only nodded and you could see how serious he was in his eyes.

“God Javi why are you so nice to me?” you groaned. “How am i supposed not to fall more in love with you when you look at me like that?” The words were out of your mouth before you could stop your drunk brain from closing your mouth. Your eyes widened and you were ready for the floor to open up to swallow you.

He was quiet and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. Maybe he didn’t hear you. And because you were drunk and it didn’t make any sense you got up from your seat.

“You wanna dance, Javi?” you asked, still not looking at him. You didn’t wait for him either as you walked to the dance floor.

Deciding to dance the awkwardness away you just let loose. Singing loudly until you felt hands in your hips. Turning around you looked into Javier’s eyes as he brought you closer.

“You’re drunk and that’s the only reason I’m telling you you this,” he whispered in your ear as he brought you closer to his chest, swinging the both of you slowly. “You are the best thing that could have happened to me even if I don’t show it. You’re the most important thing to me, honey.” You closed your eyes as these words registered in your brain.

The song stopped and you looked up at him just when he leaned down, softly kissing your forehead. Shivering you breathed out, his lips lingering on your skin.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

***

Your felt like you had been run over by a train when you blinked your eyes open in the morning.

“Fuck me.” You whispered to yourself as you slowly pushed yourself up to sit on the bed. The curtains at the window were closed making you frown. You always forgot to do that. There was enough light to just make out the bottle of water on your bedside table and a package of aspirin.

You didn’t know if you suddenly had some kind of fucked up fairy godmother but you didn’t complain when you grabbed both.

You secretly hoped you would have forgotten everything that you’ve said last night but you didn’t. You didn’t forget one fucking thing. Groaning you let your head fall back when you heard something in your living room,

It took you more time than you would like to admit to yourself to get out of bed and walk to your closed bedroom door. Maybe it was some Narco. At this point you wouldn’t even fight him to make the pounding in your head stop. Instead you saw Javi sitting on your couch, his head hanging low in between his shoulders. Nervously sucking your lip in you slowly walked over. Even though you felt like dying, you needed answers.

If he had heard you walk over he didn’t acknowledge it.

“Did you mean what you said last night?” you whispered. Slowly he tilted his head up until he looked at you.

“You weren’t supposed to remember that “ he whispered back. You just looked at him, waiting.

“Did you mean what you said?” he asked you. Slowly you nodded. You felt his hand grab yours as he came to stand in front of you.

“If we do this, if you want this. Us...” he whispered and you looked up at him. “I’m bad at this stuff.”

You smiled a little.

“You’re already so much better than I am Javi.”

He leaned down, his arms coming around you to grab you as he picked you up, making you giggle as you crossed your legs around his waist.

“I fucking love you,” he smiled before he kissed you.

[dumbass-mha-simp]

Hawks x Reader: Bad Idea

Another self indulgent Hawks fic that I've literally had in my notes for months. He lives in my head rent free along with my other 22 fake boyfriend's because I'm ✨mentally unstable.✨ It is a song fic tho, Bad Idea ft. Shiloh Dynasty https://youtu.be/kH9hJnT7KkE

Tw: food, depression, Hawks is honestly just feeling it bro- same dude,

Word count: almost 2k? I think

Requests are open! Honestly I'm probably terrible but the only things I can think to write are those imaginary situations I put myself in

(Y/L/N)- your last name

(Y/N)- your name

Thoughts or emphasized talk are in italics

Also idk why but I imagine he removes his feathers to shower since they probably need different cleaning conditions and also they just seem like a hassle in showers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here he was, the number two prohero. Everyone assumed his life was perfect, anything he wanted served on a gold platter. He felt the guilt creep up into him.

I should be thankful. The thoughts ate away at his mind in the rare seconds he got alone. You shouldn't be so selfish. So annoying. So insufferable.

Takami pushed these thoughts back. "No one needs to know how you think, Keigo." He whispers out to himself in his office.

He scrawled at paper work, trying to not let the self depreciating thoughts feast away on his mind. Unfortunately for him, different thoughts came up.

His best friend, Rumi had this friend. (Y/L/N). Smart, attractive, sometimes a little rough around the edges, but amazing. He found his mind wandering to them all too often.

They were mostly unknown, despite their insanely strong quirk. They preferred to stay out of the lime-light, through that irritable exterior sat overwhelming anxiety and shyness. But they always denied it.

He stopped himself as he realized he's spent 10 minutes only thinking of them, a friend. Yeah right.

He lazily walked out of the office waving to all his employees as he made his way outside. His eyes slowly dragged to the darkly faded blue sky, dusted in clouds. Cold, tired, aching. Just how he felt.

He took a slow brisk flight to his house, feeling the wind bash his face and the air flow through his feathers. He gently placed a foot on the metal railing of his balcony, taking a deep step to the ground and opening the door.

The emptiness rung through his apartment like a blaring siren. You have everything. How can you still want more?

The voices in his head screamed and clawed their way out. You're nobody. No one ever loved you. You're so alone. You're nothing but a tool to the commission. You're actual character is useless.

He shed his coat, boots, and pants. Looking to himself in the mirror as he removed most of his feathers. He looked exhausted as he stumbled into the shower, numbly.

The next ten minutes seemed to elude him when he wondered how much time has gone by of him staring at the shower wall blankly.

He dried off a bit then looked around his kitchen for something to eat. Have I eaten today? The buzz and light of his phone on the counter startled him.

"Hey, Hawks." A single, simple message from (Y/L/N). Okay don't panic.

"What's up?" He replied swiftly.

"I had this feeling something was wrong and wanted to check up on you."

"Why would you think that?" He tried to play it off like it wasn't true without actually lying.

"I'm not sure. Do you maybe wanna join me?" You asked.

"Where?"

"Well, every once in awhile when I need a break I go and stargaze with a night picnic. It helps me relax, and if you think it might help I'd want to. I can tell something's off." You were always so convincing. It felt like you weren't too nosy or snoopy but you understood.

"Text me where to be and when?" He let out a gentle smile at his phone.

"The dollar store on 4th in 10 minutes? So we can choose some snacks together?"

"I'll be there."

Did Takami think any problems where going to be solved with some food in the dark? No. But would he skip the opportunity to be with you, to find out how he really felt when it was just you two? Absolutely not.

He landed down on the broken pavement outside of the old dollar store, scanning around to see you.

"Boo!" A bump from behind had him flinching to see the sound as you stood behind him giggling. "Got ya."

"Very funny (Y/L/N) the most amazing trick yet." He rolled his eyes with a slight smile.

"C'mon let's go grab a bunch of terrible snacks and call it a picnic, bird brain."

You two walked into the store and walked a large circle around it, choosing chips and candy and drinks at your leisure. Once you got to the counter, he fights you to his wallet.

"It's my picnic."

"And I'm the very special guest who was so generously invited. I'm paying." He grins as you pout at him.

Grabbing the bags you placed them in the back seat as you offered passenger side to him.

"I don't like cars."

"Why not?"

"Cramps my wings."

You look at him with the biggest puppy eyes you can manage. "You already agreed to keep me company and pay for the snacks, let me do something for you?"

"Fine, but only cause you're pouting kid."

He gently sits in your passenger seat as you strap yourself in and turn the car on. The car hums and the music playing softly on the radio are the only things heard. The peace feeling too good to break.

Once you pull your car up into the parking lot of a small park and grab your bags, you begin leading him to your usual place.

"Hold these." You hand him the bags as you jump and climb up on top of a big metal container. You peer over the side with big eyes and a smile as you say to him, "now hand me the bags and do what I did!"

He looks at you with a wide smirk before simply flying up to join you. "Or you can do it the cheater's way." You pouted and bumped his shoulder.

"It's not cheating, it's using my resources." He says with a triumphant smirk.

"Your cheating resources." You pull out your gummy candies and started eating as you leaned back till you were laying down.

"Do you like the stars, Hawks?" You say like your sleep talking, staring into the night sky.

"Keigo." He shifts to lay down about a foot away from you. "You can call me, Keigo. And... I don't think I've ever taken time to look at the stars."

"No sneaking out away from parents to sit on vans and stargaze? Or watching the sunrise with a partner while eating fast food?"

"What kinda date is sitting in a car for hours staring at the sky and eating?" He laughs.

"Ah one that never really happened, he just said he would. But never mind that repressed shit." A sad laugh forces itself out as you stare between the stars.

"Was he cute?" He tried to sound funny but it came out more sympathetic.

"Sometimes," you laugh with him. "But he had really nice hands."

"Hands? That's an odd thing to find attractive." He turned his head over to look at you as your eyes seemed to burn holes in the dark milky blue sky.

He continued laughing with you about this guy but couldn't help an overwhelming feeling of jealousy. Who was he? Did he look anything like him? Was this recent?

"Keigo?" A voice snapped at his train or thought, "Yes, (Y/L/N)?" He replied rushed.

"Do you want your mini cookies?" You ask looking to him with the bag.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks." He mentions grabbing the bag from your finger tips.

He ate his cookies and thought as you seemed either lost in your head, or lost in the stars.

Loving you would be selfish. As such a high ranking hero, he's made a target for himself and anyone around him. He's broken down, can't feel. You obviously have other people on your mind. Someone like you wouldn't be single long.

"When did he leave?" He blurts out without thinking. Maybe it's a sore subject-

"Long ago." You look lost, your eyes searching and wandering but never grabbing hold of exactly where you should be. "Why?" Well I guess if I'm gonna start prying might as well go all the way.

"He thought that maybe he could love me. But now that's just ridiculous," you laugh coldly. "Who would love me?"

"Falling in love with you seems like a really bad idea. But not on your part." He whispers into the wind, hoping it'll carry his words away from you.

"What do you mean?" You look completely confused, almost scattered.

"You're quiet, and I'm someone who puts a spotlight on practically anyone around me. You'd constantly be put in danger. Plus I'm arrogant and cocky, nothing at all like you." He acted like he could see the stars as you could. He stared into them finding any way he could to avoid your eyes.

"You could get hurt or I could annoy you." He whispers.

"I had no idea you felt that way, Keigo." You whisper back, shock keeping your voice quiet.

His eyes burned holes into the night sky, he felt he shouldn't look at you. The mental image of you already wouldn't go away.

"You wanna know something, Keigo? I can read people like books, I can read stars like stories, and I can read in-between lines like they were in bold font. But, you always catch me off guard. Reading you is like a mystery novel. Sometimes intense, sometimes peaceful, but always keeping me wondering." You smile into the stars, you can tell he desperately doesn't want to see your eyes. "You're always leaving everyone on the edge of their seat, and when you leave you can't stop thinking of the next time you'll come. What you'll bring."

"I....I don't think I understand (Y/L/N)-" Keigo's soon cut off.

"(Y/N)"

"Well, (Y/N)- I don't think I understand." He tries to sit up and look at you.

"You catch me off guard, something about you speaks to me in ways I know you never actually would. I can see it, the way you stumble or hesitate. I can tell somethings scared you into silence." You've never had much chance to talk about the ways you analyze people, you wanted to tell him how you could tell the way he acted wasn't always good.

"I think you might be reading too much into this, kid." He tries to intervene.

"I get if you don't want to tell me." You stared up at the stars, waiting for him to do the same. "You see there?" You pointed to a star. "That's a constellation."

"They just look like stars." He seemed a bit disappointed that he couldn't see stars the way you did, with such knowledge and wonder in your eyes.

"That's cause they are," you giggled to him, "it's not like I can actually see the pictures either."

"You.. you can't?" He looked to you confused but slightly hopeful, how could they look at them but not see too?

"That's the whole point, Keigo. It's being able to see what's not really there. Sometimes I stare into the sky hoping to see any semblance of hope, but that's not how it is. You have to teach yourself to look at what could be there." He stared to you, a small content smile graced your face. You were beautiful.

"(Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe, loving you isn't such a bad idea.." he looked remorseful, staring into the stars. Maybe he could see it too one day.

"What do you mean?" You glace to him.

"You see so much, you can read and see the things I want to see. I want to learn, (Y/N). I want to see how you do."

The smile on your face spread.

"I'd love to show you."

[bittybattybunny]

I hope your not feeling down on your writing skills because I haven't caught up and commented on your latest releases. It's not you it's that I pick too many fanfics to follow and they all update a lot and I've been so busy and I've fallen behind on so many fics from various authors and sometimes my depression just makes me want to lie in bed all day doing nothing and it doesn't help I have to spend my limited spoons helping family everyday. I know these aren't good excuses, but I do sympathize with the lack of energy feeling at least. But your work really does bring a lot of joy to my life. It's so fun keeping up with your various AUs, and your latest one that features Kaya as Spider King has me really hyped because I want to learn more about Kaya, she's so fun! And Ruclipse is such a good comfort ship that just hits all the things I like seeing in a ship. You're so amazing and creative and it's awful that anyone would try to make you feel otherwise! Like your newest OC, Justin Tyme seems like such a lovable dumbass bastard. I love his wild, curly hair and his dapper outfit. I can't wait to see what dumb shit he gets himself into! I know this is really long and rambly, but I hope you know you have fans who genuinely love your work. I don't know if you're still thinking about that one comment you mentioned that got you really down, but honestly, fuck that guy. I don't know what they said but it must have been pure BS to have you doubting your hard earned art skills. I wish I could do more to prove you're awesome and that your fans really admire you, I just hope you don't stop sharing what you love because some rando was nasty for no good reason. Because we love what you do!

It's not like anyone one person nonny so please don't blame yourself. This has been an ongoing thing for a few months actually...

it's just a general thing over all lately like. I mentioned this in dm's with a friend but overall past few months I've had lower engagement overall with my works and it really does a number on my confidence. More so because like your latter point.

yes, I am still very much thinking about that one negative comment. Because that person also has the need to comment on other things and I even had a thing asking why I took a few weeks to update (when reality I posted to another ongoing fic and my TLC chapters are long chapters) and just the fact they could tear into a character (yes it was a comment on a character specifically and not even a main character it's a side character who has an important role for Snatcher's growth as a person down the line) then go saying "why didn't you update" when I posted a double update that week---

Like it lives in my head rent free and I want to literally cry because like the character is a focal in an upcoming chapter and I can't deal with another "why are they back" type thing. because "everyone finds them annoying"

And I'll be honest. it was Kaya. Like I've been trying to have fun with my BCU stuff with her as Spiderking because it's engaging for me and me and @/doodleimprovement even came up with a b-plot involving Kaya and Hattie trying to hook Nell and Marcus together and it's one of the best things as well as Kaya and Nell having a really good relationship.

but because of that one comment it makes me hesitant to do anything with Kaya despite she's one of my oldest ocs, my most thought out ocs and I adore her beyond anything. Like yes she's over powered and such and in TLC rn she comes off as a know it all, but upcoming chapters will show she's just a spacey kid who's trying to fit into a role others decided for her and isn't really as all mighty as she seems. Snatcher even ends up thinking of her as a little sister more than anything. Like fuck I'm even hesitant to share anything on her actual story despite how much work is in it. Like she's my favorite Oc (that's why shes my discord icon, and I'm pretty sure she's my twitter icon as well)

And like the points in the comment just. IDK they didn't fit to her, if anything the points are more suited to be shot at Eclipse.

Which is another thing I just get iffy on. I love RuClipse and everything with it. I love writing and drawing the dorks. But I'm now so afraid if Kaya could be attacked for only showing in a handful of chapters that don't even touch on who she is, when is someone going to finally tell me off on my wolf? who's going to tear into a character I pour a lot of personal shit into to try and comfort myself?

I use Ruclipse to deal with my own romantic heart, they are what I wish I could have so I love to write them, I hurt them but i like to make them happy in the end. Someone who can deal with your highs and lows. No ones perfect but you can still figure it out and love even the negative parts (I am a heavy romantic OTL)

he is in fact a lovable bastard. i have fun plans and he gives me an excuse for why Cel is so tired and having to be the brain cell and how she even wound up working with the time kids when she's so much older than they are. Currently I'm trying to think of how to use him and honestly I think he's gonna wind up hella comic relief fun guy who's just making a mess and do his own side story while Hat and Bow are busy in subcon----

thank you, I don't mind the rambly it kinda gave me a chance to get this off my chest... like I've typed this kinda response up time and time again and I always delete. I feel like I'm whining because I get upset but it's just, I spend so much time making things, I use all my spoons on either working or creating, I just want to know if it means anything but then negativity lives in my head because what's a functioning meat cube??? I try to stay positive but it's hard. Like another thing is Moon Guardian; the reason I haven't updated? because I have had someone bothering me about it. weekly I get asked about how I'm doing on it but it's not from a place of "want to read it" it's because I told them they couldn't post a certain thing until the chapter is done so it feels pressuring to constantly get asked because I feel the only reason they want to post is to boost their thing and I'm just the machine to boost it with my characters and comic.... like it feels they've taken the comic from me and it sucks because I have so many fun things planned. Like I accidentally went off on Nina about a thing with Alpine skyline and Eclipse as well as a thing with a Time Rift and a Jelly ghost.

Sorry kinda went off, just I've sat on this thought train since like early april. I've done my best to ignore it and just keep going but it's gotten really hard with the fact my health hasn't been really great. I've spent a lot of time lately bed bound because I just hurt so badly. if I'm not resting, I'm at my day job which is incredibly stressful rn as I only really work mornings and I see things that are being missed so then i report it and it still gets missed and i can't get it fixed after a point cuz we're back to full service and need the people so I can't nitpick but just.... I'm bitter okay like if I left this shit when I worked I would have gotten yelled at but now we just let it slide??? and this stresses me out which then causes my body to freak out because I'm stressed which puts me in more pain. and then like at work have people acting shocked I have my cane or soemthing and just skfdslkfksdf

so my energy is so tanked. and then the negative comment in my head, no idea if people like things cuz I have no idea if I hear nothing, just has had me doubting why post. Like I should go back to just not posting my stories and sketches or w/e and slink back to my hole like I was before.

idk Its just. a bad night in the house of bun. I've had these thoughts festering and I guess today was the dam breaking. It's probs cuz I'm nervous posting Chimeras because it's a very dark au.

[bakugou-jpg]

Cherry wine || Single dad!Tsukishima

So hello! This is something i’ve been planning on posting for awhile now. Idk if i like it or not and Tsukishima might be a bit OOC since i haven’t been in the Haikyuu fandom for very long but oh well. Tomorrow i’ll try and post the masterlist for it and how many chapters it’ll have!

-Prologue-

“I’m pregnant”

The silence that fell over the room became deafening, not a single sound except for the distant students outside of the dorm building chatting and laughing together. The fan in the corner of the room buzzed, rotating left and right and rustling some papers on the desk. The wind softly blew through his hair, making the heat more bearable than it was before but at that very moment his thoughts and gone completely blank.

The girl in front of him leaned onto the desk that was placed behind her and knitted her eyebrows together, not in anger but purely because she had been lost in thought. Her arms were crossed and she looked at the boy's feet, biting her bottom lip while doing so.

To say it was a shock, was simply too lightly. I mean, yes, the two of them hadn't exactly done much to prevent it that night so it had been quite the possibility but it had never crossed his mind. She was pregnant, something he did. The clumb of cells that was currently busy forming into a little human was because of him.

"Tsukishima"

Tsukishima's head snapped up and for a moment his eyes widened slightly. They held eye contact for a moment, neither of them breaking it. They were both, confused. Neither of them knowing what to do know and neither of them knowing what to say.

The boy adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. He folded his hands together and fiddled around with them, something he unconciously did when he was nervous. "..Oh"

Its all he could think of at that moment. Tsukishima,  a man who always knew how to respond to whatever situation with either a logic answer or a cocky remark now felt silent. He was a rational person, but now it seemed that his brain short circuited.

The girl sighed, her eyes falling down to the ground once again. She moved one of her hands to rub over her face and then started biting her thumb nail. "I found out on Sunday. I..wanted to think about it myself a bit first. Hope you understand" She said, her voice trailing off.

Tsukishima nodded. "Of course."

Another silence.

There was one question he was dying to ask, of course, the most obvious one. He was a strong believer of the belief that it was her body and her choice and that he didn't have ANY saying in what she wanted to do, but he was still curious. At that moment he didn't even know which decision he wanted or preferred. Would it be bad if he asked? Or was it too soon?

"What do you- " "I-"

They both fell silent, not wanting to interrupt one another. Tsukishima excused himself and nodded towards her. "Sorry, go on".

The girl in front of her looked a little anxious and bit her lip before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes to calm her nerves. She breathed out and locked eyes with the boy standing in front of her. "I've thought about it..and decided what choice i wanted to make and i hope you can support me in that."

Tsukishima quickly nodded and waved his hand. "Your body your choice. Whatever decision you make i will respect it so do not rely on my approval" He said, something which made her worried expression relax. It felt as if there had bee a weight lifted off of her shoulders.

She nodded, letting her eyes roam around the room for a second trying to figure out how to put it into words.

"For the longest time i've planned out what i wanted to do with my life, with my future. Go to college, study to become an archeologist and become succesful and travel around..A baby can't fit into that plan, not yet."

Understandable. Tsukishima understood what she meant, for he too had a plan of what he wanted to do in the future. Work in a museum, it was something that he loved the idea of ever since he was a kid. She wanted to become something bigger, so of course a baby would only get in the way.

She cleared her throat and fiddled her hands. "I do, however, want to give it a chance of being able to live. For him or her to find out what joys life can gift to you and how wonderful the world can be..So i'm going to give them up for adop-"

"I'll raise them"

What.

The girl's eyes widened and she looked at Tsukishima in shock.

Tsukishima pushed himself off of the wall and looked at her for a second before taking a step closer to her. "I'll take responsibility and raise them."

What was he saying?

The girl blinked in surprise, her mouth slightly agape from the sudden response one that she had not expected in a million years. Tsukishima's eyebrows were slightly knitted, something which showed he was dear serious over this. "..please"

Why was he saying this?

The girl snapped out of her daze and ran her fingers through her hair, her other hand cupping her still flat stomach. "I-..Wh- Tsukishima..are you serious?" She asked in disbelieve, still taken aback from the reaction. "With all due respect, Tsukishima, but i really hope you understand i am not planning on raising this baby alongside you nor am i planning to hop in at a later age. I just-"

"I don't care for that. You won't have to be involved in any way, i'll make my own money, buy my own two bedroom apartment, raise my own kid. I'll work it out, if you want i'll cover half of all your medical bills" Tsukishima said while leaning back again, looking at her with his usual stoic expression again. Yet, his golden brown eyes held a mixture of confusion and fear. But that was something she would never be able to catch onto.

God what the fuck was he saying

The girl sighed and shook her head a little, trying to wrap her head around what was happening. "I mean..Medical bills won't be a problem, my family's wealthy enough to be able to cover that without a problem..I just..I thought you were passionate about this college course and wanting to succeed? Its not some kind of puppy you raise, can leave at home for the day and to come back at the end of the day and feed it and sometimes throw a stick around, Tsuki-"

"Do i look like an idiot to you?" Tsukishima said with narrowed eyebrows, tapping his finger on his other arm impatiently. Surely, he fooled around with her, but Tsukishima couldn't stand the way she thought she was better and smarter than him.

The girl rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know what i mean" She snapped back. "Its gonna be a big responsibility, its gonna get in the way of you making it big out there."

Once again, a silence fell over the dorm.

Tsukishima's thoughts were screaming at him. Telling him this decision was an impulsive one, how he had to think it through first and asking him over and over again what he was thinking. He knitted his eyebrows together and stared at the ground, slowly nodding.

"I know what i'm doing"

No he did not

The girl nodded and shrugged, her eyes glancing to the clock hanging on his wall. She looked back at Tsukishima and hummed, pushing herself off of the desk. "Well, okay then. I've got class in ten minutes, we'll discuss the details later on. Take care" She said, pushing herself off of the desk. Her hand reached out for Tsukishima's shoulder and gave it a small squeeze, something which made Tsukishima just the slightest bit uncomfortable.

He didn't even say anything, simply too caught up with the sea of a void that suddenly washed over him. It numbed all of his thoughts, all of his surroundings as the thumping of his own heartbeat echoed in his ear.

The click of his dorm room falling back into its lock flew past him, not even having noticed the girl had left. Tsukishima stood there for about 10 minutes until he was pulled back to the surface, something which made him fall back onto his bed. He put his elbows on his knees, his hands raking through his hair as he looked at his ground with slightly panicked eyes.

He let out a long sigh, his hand running over his face as he threw his head back and leaned it against the wall. It was already dark, the only people outside being the ones going to their night classes. It was cold, after all it was October and the weather hadn't been exactly the nicest out.

Tsukishima glanced out of his window, his eyes following the form of the girl who was just left his dorm and was now running outside to arrive at her class in time. His eyes were locked onto her until she had turned a corner, now out of sight.

What did he just agree to?

He let his eyes slowly slide down from his window to his bed, a place where his phone was resting. Without really thinking about it, he reached out for the phone, pressing a few buttons before bringing it up to his ear.

"..Tadashi? I..i fucked up"

Nine months felt a lot longer than it usually did. While a school year usually felt like it flew by rather quickly to Tsukishima, these past few months felt like as if there was a chain with a heavy ball chained to his ankles. Every minute, every second felt like it took forever.

As the trees lost their leaves, the snow covered the ground. As the snow melted away, the flowers started blooming again. As the flowers grew higher, the temperature did too. With every transmission, Tsukishima's feet grew heavier and heavier. It all lead up to that one moment. One moment that would change his life forever, a moment he'd remember till' the day he'd die.

As the seconds ticked by, they turned into minutes. As the small hand of the clock moved forward made a full circle, the hours started moving by. Slow, very slowly. Tsukishima lost sense of time, sitting in that chair waiting for someone to give him a sign and to inform him of the slightest bit of news. Anything.

His thoughts even stopped at some point. Surely he was panicking internally and the fact that his phone kept buzzing in his pocket, his family and Yamaguchi repeatedly asking him how it was going, didn't make it any better. Hell, the fact Yamaguchi managed to leak the information to his old teammates didn't soothen the buzz in his pockets at all. But he just stared at a wall.

The ticking of the clock, the water that dripped from the tap, the foot steps from the nurses, the distant screams of agony and the phone that rang every 15 minutes in the nurses office started to feel like a pattern. A never ending pattern that had repeated itself almost a million times already.

"Mr. Tsukishima?"

Fuck

Tsukishima's head snapped up and his eyes met the one of an older woman who was wearing a long blue cover up and a mask hanging next to the side of her head. She wore a smile on her face, a tired one, but a happy one. She had discarded the gloves she wore and Tsukishima noticed some light blood smears on the gown she was wearing.

"He's here"

He

In the past 9 months that had passed, Tsukishima had never thought that his feet could feel more heavier. But in that moment it felt as if Medusa herself had locked eyes with him and stared into his golden brown eyes, drinking in his beauty before stiffening his body and turning it into stone.

He didn't notice how his lanky long body had gotten up from the chair he had been sitting at for the past few hours and how he was now silently walking behind the doctor, following in her footsteps as she lead him to a room.

"The mother told me to inform you she didn't want to see your son and that she'd appreciate it if you stayed away for a little while" The nurse said while holding the door for him open.

His son

Tsukishima looked around the room, noticing how extremely empty and silent it was. The beds that were there were empty, waiting for a new patient to arrive. The blind were closed, but it let the slightest bit of light through cascading down onto to the little bin standing in the middle of it, surrounded by two other nurses that were busy with what was inside of it.

The two nurses looked up at him and smiled, one of them walking towards the exit of the room while the other reached out for the bundle of blankets inside of the little bed. She picked it up, stepping towards Tsukishima with a very kind small. One he didn't notice, for his eyes were only focused on the very small baby she held in her hands. "Meet your son" She said while holding the baby out for him, adjusting his hands just slightly so he'd make the baby feel comfortable.

He held out his hands, taking the bundle of blankets into his arms and immediately holding him close to his body. Tsukishima made sure to support his head, remembering all the things he read in a book his mother gifted him after having announced the news. He wouldn't dare to cause the baby any discomfort, it felt as if he was made out of the thinnest porcelain in the world.

"We'll give you a moment, we'll be next door if u need us" Tsukishima heard the older nurse say before the door shut behind her, leaving both him and his son alone in the room.

The baby slightly moved around in his blanket, one of his tiny arms poking through and stretching out towards Tsukishima's face before returning back into the comfort of his warm cocoon. A small yawn left the baby's mouth, a sight that made Tsukishima's eyes soften.

"Someone's pretty tired, huh? Nine months of sleep ain't enough for you, buddy?" He whispered, peering into the little eyes that were slowly opening up revealing a very familar pair of golden brown ones although his appeared to be just a bit more darker. It also didn't Tsukishima long before he noticed the dark blonde hairs poking out of his hat, ones that almost matched his own but just being a shade darker than his own.

He grinned and stroked the baby's cheek, taking in every detail of his face. "Aren't you just a sight for sore eyes, like i'm looking into a mirror." Tsukishima said with a short snicker.

In that very moment, Tsukishima felt his feet get lighter. The heavy chain on his feet he carried around for months that got heavier and heavier broke, just by the single stare the boy had on him. He didn't care anymore, about what he was gonna do in the future. He didn't care about if he'd still be able to finish college or if he was gonna be able to pull through.

Every thing he did, was gonna be for him. Every decision he made, was gonna be with him in the back of his mind. Every thing decent nice thing he did, he did hoping he could be somewhat proud of his old man.

And so, from 7 years from that moment, on Tsukishima was going to have a succesful career. One he had achieved after graduating from college, something he couldn't of have done without the motivation he had after his son was born and he was going to make sure his son was always first with whatever he did.

"Welcome to the world, Kaoru"