#i've had a very bad day and am struggling to catch up

[flimsy-roost]

I realized the other day that the reason I didn't watch much TV as a teenager (and why I'm only now catching up on late aughts/early teens media that I missed), is because I literally didn't understand how to use our TV. My parents got a new system, and it had three remotes with a Venn diagram of functions. If someone left the TV on an unfamiliar mode, I didn't know how to get back to where I wanted to be, so I just stopped watching TV on my own altogether.

I explained all this to my therapist, because I didn't know if this was more related to my then-unnoticed autism, or to my relationship with my parents at the time (we had issues less/unrelated to neurodivergency). She told me something interesting.

In children's autism assessments, a common test is to give them a straightforward task that they cannot reasonably perform, like opening an overtight jar. The "real" test is to see, when they realize that they cannot do it on their own, if they approach a caregiver for help. Children that do not seek help are more likely to be autistic than those that do.

This aligns with the compulsory independence I've noticed to be common in autistic adults, particularly articulated by those with lower support needs and/or who were evaluated later in life. It just genuinely does not occur to us to ask for help, to the point that we abandon many tasks that we could easily perform with minor assistance. I had assumed it was due to a shared common social trauma (ie bad experiences with asking for help in the past), but the fact that this trait is a childhood test metric hints at something deeper.

My therapist told me that the extremely pathologizing main theory is that this has something to do with theory of mind, that is doesn't occur to us that other people may have skills that we do not. I can't speak for my early childhood self, or for all autistic people, but I don't buy this. Even if I'm aware that someone else has knowledge that I do not (as with my parents understanding of our TV), asking for help still doesn't present itself as an option. Why?

My best guess, using only myself as a model, is due to the static wall of a communication barrier. I struggle a lot to make myself understood, to articulate the thing in my brain well enough that it will appear identically (or at least close enough) in somebody else's brain. I need to be actively aware of myself and my audience. I need to know the correct words, the correct sentence structure, and a close-enough tone, cadence, and body language. I need draft scripts to react to possible responses, because if I get caught too off guard, I may need several minutes to construct an appropriate response. In simple day-to-day interactions, I can get by okay. In a few very specific situations, I can excel. When given the opportunity, I can write more clearly than I am ever capable of speaking.

When I'm in a situation where I need help, I don't have many of my components of communication. I don't always know what my audience knows. I don't have sufficient vocabulary to explain what I need. I don't know what information is relevant to convey, and the order in which I should convey it. I don't often understand the degree of help I need, so I can come across inappropriately urgent or overly relaxed. I have no ability to preplan scripts because I don't even know the basic plot of the situation.

I can stumble though with one or two deficiencies, but if I'm missing too much, me and the potential helper become mutually unintelligible. I have learned the limits of what I can expect from myself, and it is conceptualized as a real and physical barrier. I am not a runner, so running a 5k tomorrow does not present itself as an option to me. In the same way, if I have subconscious knowledge that an interaction is beyond my capability, it does not present itself as an option to me. It's the minimum communication requirements that prevent me from asking for help, not anything to do with the concept of help itself.

Maybe. This is the theory of one person. I'm curious if anyone else vibes with this at all.

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[soaps-mohawk]

I'm so sorry to everyone that I freaked out with the last post, I was trying so hard not to 😭 I have that like instant fear as soon as I see "we need to talk" or something in the same vein. I always think it's something bad.

This isn't bad, at least depending on how your perspective I guess.

So...I'm having thoughts about CRCB in October. I planned out posting schedules for Kyletober and CRCB and my Patreon stuff and it's going to basically be a post every day, sometimes multiple in multiple places.

That's a lot.

So, I am set on doing Kyletober since all of the fics are already written, but I was planning on continuing CRCB during October as well. But...I think I need a little break from CRCB. It's been about eight months of posting almost every single week and it's been a lot. I'm struggling with chapters right now and with work it's vastly limiting the time I have to write and focus on things and I'm kind of burning out right now.

So, what I wanted to discuss was potentially putting CRCB on hold for October while I focus on Kyletober and everything involved with that. Trying to do both is a lot and I'm not sure I can handle all of it, plus life, plus work.

I was planning on not necessarily putting CRCB on hold, but doing more of a "whenever I can/am inspired" random posting chapters kind of like I did in the beginning when I first started writing the fic, in November/December because those are very busy months and I will be dead tired from work and just general life.

I think I might still do that for November/December and possibly into the new year since there's no way the fic will be finished even if I posted every week until the end of December.

BUT

That's something I'll think about and make a decision on later.

Right now, my thought is...would you hate me if I put CRCB on pause in October? IF I do, I promise I won't end Chapter 39 on a cliffhanger. I wasn't planning on it anyway, but I promise I won't end it on a cliffhanger if I decide not to post any chapters in October.

That way if I do put it on pause, then I can not focus on it for a bit and give my brain a refresh, and I can also focus all my energy on Kyletober.

So yeah, it's going to be a lot doing both at the same time, and honestly I'm ready for a little break from CRCB. It's been going for a long time and it's a lot of words to get out in a week. I've been super stressed lately and I'm just struggling a lot trying to get through chapters.

So yeah. That's basically the dilemma here and the discussion to be had. I know y'all will tell me it's my blog and I can do whatever I want, but I would like opinions on it. Are y'all okay with me putting CRCB on hold to focus on Kyletober? Then pick it back up for probably just whenever I can chapter updates for the rest of the year? In January things will calm down and I'll have more time to relax and write and maybe get close to finishing the story. Plus I know a lot of my readers will be busy the next three months with the holidays and vacations and family and school and all of that, so you won't have to worry about getting behind and having to catch up with a bunch of chapters.

So...let me know...

[charlesslut16]

-Ugly christmas sweaters-

summary : lando and you go to a christmas party, which had the theme 'ugly christmas sweaters' but lando does not like his sweater....

PAIRING : lando norris x fem!reader

WARNINGS : none

note : i hope you like this imagines! Request some more, as we have not every day in the dezember masterlist!

december masterlist ; masterlist 

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One week before your friend's Christmas party, you bought Christmas sweaters, ugly ones, as the theme had been 'ugly Christmas sweaters'. You knew that Lando didn't like the theme, but for you and your friends' sake, he would do it.

So two days before the party, you confronted and showed Lando the Christmas sweaters. Obviously you knew that Lando wouldn't be as happy, but if you were being honest, you could not care less.

“You’re telling me that we—no, I am going to be wearing that?” Lando softly lifted one of the sweaters, holding it as if it was a bag of 2 weeks old garbage. As if he was going to be infected with something dangerous.

“For our friend’s Christmas party?”

The splash of colors and patterns really confused him; it seems like the designer operated on a whim. Every thing looked out of order and nothing fit together. Like someone had destroyed it and then.

"Come on, it’s not even that bad! The theme was ugly Christmas sweaters, and I picked out the best ones the market had on the hanger, I think they're cute," you stated, defending the sweaters you had bought a week ago.

"This is far from cute! It is horrendous. Your taste in fashion must be very questionable," he scoffed, nonchalantly returning the sweaters to their initial resting place on the chair, so that he did not have to look at them anymore.

"I've practically styled your entire wardrobe, and you've received so many compliments because of me!" you argued back. Now he had gone too far, to question your fashion taste, although you had styled most of his clothes combinations.

"Alright, but your sweater choices are still terrible!" Lando countered.

Ignoring his protests, you insistently hold the sweater in front of him, trying to picture the look despite his puzzled expression. You knew that even if they did not look so good, Lando could pull them off nonetheless.

“Not in a million years will you catch me wearing that. In will never live this outfit down.” Lando declared, hands up in protest.

But, you didn’t care whatsoever, as your determination knew no bounds.

“Stop moving, you're making this harder.”

“What—” he started, but you were already on a mission, determined to make him at least consider the sweater. Even if Lando was a grown man, you needed to put it on him, so that he could see how it looked on him.

“It does suit you.”

“Thanks for the compliment, but you can't just say that by imagining how I'd look in it!”

“Why don't you try it on?” You extended your hand, catching him off guard. His reaction was too slow, and you ended up tossing it at him.

“I'll wait for you.”

Lando sighed loudly, unfolding the sweater and eyeing it with skepticism. He wasn't convinced, but just trying it on wouldn't bee that bad.

“Fine, but don't get your hopes up. It still looks absolutely horrendous.”

As he struggled to put it on, you couldn't help but laugh at the sight. The vibrant colors clashed with his usual style, making it even more amusing. The orange colour he normally would was bright and colourful but this. Absolutely vibrant.

“Ta-da! Happy now?” Lando struck a pose, a mockingly exaggerated smile on his face. You knew that he hated every second of it. Like when he drove and became second and not first, or when his brother hated the last donut that he wanted.

You chuckled, "Look! It doesn't even look that bad! You can totally pull it off. I mean, you can totally pull off everything that somebody gives."

Rolling his eyes, Lando played along with your answers and exclamations.

"Sure, sure. It looks fantastic on me. Just a bunch of silly trees and tiny elves on this sweater with squiggly lines—seriously, what were you thinking when you added this to the cart? It ruined everything good on me."

You shrugged lightly, unfazed by his words. Lando often exaggerated things, and you were accustomed to it. It was nothing unusual for Lando to overreact and overdramatic, things as they were or had been.

“I expect you to stick with this—we've got just two days until the party.”

“But can we not switch—”

In the middle of his sentence, you stood up and walked away into the kitchen to make you a hot cocoa and to go back to your shared bedroom, so you stopped hearing his complaints and overdramatic nature.

Two days later, the day of the Christmas party, you had the exact same conversation, but you knew that Lando could do nothing about it, as he knew that he would do almost everything for you in a heartbeat.

His complaining tone faded as you rushed down the stairs with the matching sweater in your hand. Quickly draping it over your white shirt and white skirt, you settled on the couch in the living room. As you scrolled on your phone to pass the time, you later heard shuffling in the background.

“Ready to go, my handsome man?” you looked up, seeing your boyfriend in the sweater you bought—he hadn’t changed it. You gave him a big smile, rising from your seat, as you wanted to hug him and tell him how good he looked.

“Looking good there, Norris.”

“Keep it up, and I’ll run up the stairs to change,” he teased, soon linking arms with you as you headed towards the door. But you knew that he was just teasing, he would not change as the time was at a limit.

“Honestly, though, I don’t think I look too shabby in this,” he asserted, eliciting a giggle from you.

“What can I say? I have an eye for what works.”

“Maybe you're onto something.”

"Maybe I need to trust you more, with clothes."

"You should."

He opened the door, so he could let you both out and locked the door after you both, but before you could walk to the car, he pulled you into his chest and gave you a romantic long kiss and then pulled away to look into your eyes.

"I love you, angel"

"I love you, handsome."

[sirfrogsworth]

I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

-----------------------------------

One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

[balkanradfem]

Okay so I know I just hit you all with the controversial chestnut poll, but I have some new development in life that I want to complain about, and in order for me to complain about it, I need to give you the context.

I don't particularly want to give you the context. You're going to diagnose me with female socialization, and some of you will feel the urge to click the anonymous ask button and tell me off. Today I need you to fight that urge! I am feeling insecure, I am feeling lost, I'm not certain in my choices, I've acted without thinking, and got myself into a situation I can't control. So please don't be mean to me. I deserve to complain on the internet and not be called out, alright?

So this is the story of how I accidentally became a live-in caretaker for an injured, elderly woman. It's temporary! She'll get better, hopefully.

I worked for her occasionally, and she's always been kind to me. She would give me a little jar of jam sometimes, and I love little jars of jam, it's a way to win my heart. A few days ago, she called me in a panic, telling me she fell, and she needs my help. I came over, and found out she broke her arm in two places, and one of her rib is broken. She fell unconscious, after being dizzy all day, and fell on a big metal lantern, breaking it. She was now in so much pain she couldn't get up by herself, dress herself, or do any kind of household tasks. She went to the ER, got her arm wrapped up, and was trying to get a pain injection. I helped her get trough the day, and promised to come early next morning, to help her up from the bed.

Next day I found her in tears in her bed, unable to get up, desperate to go to the bathroom. It became clear she needed 24/7 assistance, and she asked me if I would move in until she got better. I said yes without thinking, because I was at this point, severely concerned, and wanted to do anything to help her out.

So this is all not so bad, right, I'm being normal, it's normal to offer help to an injured elderly woman who is nice, but there's a catch. She doesn't live alone. She lives with her older husband. Who is also disabled and can't help her at all. So in order to help her out.. I had to move into a place where a male lives. That is the worst part of this.

I'm still in the first few days of living like this, and my own life had to fall to the background. I can't go foraging for chestnuts every day, I can't go to my garden as much, I'm still going to work, just from her place. I'm overwhelmed and struggling to get used to the new situation. I'm not used to being around people at all, and now I'm forced to socialize almost all day. Caring for someone comes fairly natural! I'm already so in sync with her, she can just look in the certain direction and I know what she wants me to do. I've figured out where everything is in her kitchen, closet, and basement. She's pleased that I know how to do basic household tasks, and am willing to do it in her way. And she's nice, she's telling me things like 'thank you' and 'what would I do without you', which feels good. But I am very exhausted and sleep deprived, she wakes me up at 1am, and then 5am again, and I'm unable to fall back asleep in a room I lack familiarity with. I miss my room.

She and her husband said they were going to pay me, and in my natural ways, I said something like 'no you don't need to' which I feel like everyone will get mad at me for, but they did insist they would pay me anyway. I as usual lack the sense to care about money – someone's arm is broken, that's way more serious issue to me!

Alright so now to the part of the post I wanted to write, a fun poll where you guess, what has her awful husband done by this point :) go ahead and guess!

You have one day to guess! Which one of these scenarios happened in the first few days of his wife breaking three bones in her body. I'll tell you the correct option tomorrow!

[witchygagirlwrites]

Back to You-Pt. 3/3

Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz X Reader

Just when you're finding your way back to Mouse his behavior starts to change. He's coming in late, his lunch hours are extending and he's missed a few days of work. Is he struggling with being home? Is his inner demons flaring their heads up again? Are you going to lose him before ever getting him fully back?

Warnings: cursing, fluffy smut?

Your phone chimed as you followed Adam up the steps to his C.I's house. He cut his eyes over at you, raising one eyebrow. You knew that look and knew you were getting questioned the moment the job at hand was finished.

You were dancing your way back towards being more with Mouse but your hesitations were growing more because in the last couple weeks he'd started being late, taking long lunches and sometimes not even coming in here and there a couple times. You didn't want to point it out to Adam because he'd just got back on board with the idea of you and Mouse working back towards being something. His protective streak towards you would prevent any logic from entering the conversation.

You'd asked Jay that morning about it. You knew if anyone had answers he would. Of course he'd side stepped your questions. You'd expected that because if something was up with you and you didn't want Mouse to know Adam would of course hide it from Jay. You'd done the next best thing, went to Erin. You were worried. You knew Mouse, a little too well.

The way he was acting reminded you too much of when he was Jay's C.I or the weeks when you trailed behind Jay when he was helping him to get clean and when he'd first gotten hired at CPD. When addiction, ptsd or both had him wrapped up so tight he couldn't see which way was up. You couldn't give your heart back over fully to him just to lose him again.

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You stood next to Adam, listening to Erik tell him what he knew about the string of home break-ins intelligence was investigating. He'd give him a few decent leads from the sound of it so Adam slipped him a handful of twenties and thanked him so you shot him a smile "Thanks Erik" he nodded at you "Yes ma'am" he was always sweet to you, even once offered you his jacket when you'd forgotten yours at the office.

You were halfway back to the precinct when Adam broke the silence in your jeep "You good?" you didn't take your eyes off the road when you answered "five by five Ruz. Why?" he shrugged "I dunno. I mean job wise you're aces but you seem...something is bothering you" you schooled your features as best as you could because damn Adam Ruzek since the day he'd joined intelligence and Al pointed him towards your desk with a smile and told you "Congrats sweetheart. You've got your very own rookie" he'd made it his mission to be your best friend and know you better than damn near anyone and he'd succeeded thus far.

You shrugged one shoulder "The violence on this case is escalating. I just want to catch them before someone gets killed" "Huh?" he scoffed and you cut your eyes at him when you were forced to stop at a red light "What?" he shook his head "You have never lied to me. Even the times I've wanted you to. I know intimate shit about Severide and Mouse, shit I wish I could bleach my brain over so tell me what is so bad you're lying to me over?"

You started driving again before you finally spoke "Promise you won't freak?" he turned as far as his seatbelt would allow him so he could face you "Am I gonna have to get Voight to help me get rid of somebody here?" a laugh broke free of you at that "No Ruz. I swear" he nodded "Then I promise" you took a deep breath then said "Mouse has been acting weird. Getting in late, taking long lunches and even missing a couple days"

You saw a few different emotions flash across his face, anger being the most prominent before he tightened his jaw "What are you thinking? He using again?" you shrugged "I have no idea. I asked Jay but that's like someone asking you why I'm off so instead I went to Erin" he nodded again "What'd she say?" you passed him your phone and waited for him to type in your security code and see the text which simply read Talk to him is the best advice I can give

He read it twice before letting out a breath. You could hear him typing on your phone and started to ask what it was but before you could he offered "I'm texting him as you. We have spare time when we get back to the precinct. You two go down to the tech room and talk. I'll cover" he handed your phone back and you glanced at the screen to see he'd texted Mouse Can we talk downstairs when I get back?

Before you could slip your phone into your pocket it chimed so you handed it to him so he could check the text. He turned the screen so you could read that Mouse had texted I'll be waiting

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You walked down the stairs leading to the tech room and wasn't surprised when Mouse met you at the door. The look in his eyes was nothing short of fear and from his hair sticking up in places you could tell he'd been running his fingers through the growing locks. "What's wrong?" you motioned into the tech room "Let's talk"

He followed behind you while you walked over to his desk and leaned back against it, letting just your backside rest against it so you could face him. He stood a couple feet from you watching you like he was genuinely afraid you'd disappear if he blinked "I'd ask if you're breaking up with me but you haven't even taken me back" he joked then a look of dread flashed across his face along with a glimmer of anger in his eyes, not at you but himself "Or you found someone else and you're trying to break it to me easy"

"Greg Gerwitz! Seriously? Like I'd not move on, not date or sleep with anyone else the entire time you're gone then decide to move on now that you're within touching distance?" you shook your head and he shrugged both shoulders "I don't know what I did" you looked down at your hands, suddenly very enthused with your nails "Um"

Within two steps he was in front of you, one hand gently cupping your chin to force your eyes up to his "No. You don't scare the life out of me then drop it. Now you want to talk sweetheart and I will talk to you about anything but I need to know what is wrong or do I gotta go to Adam?" you blinked quickly a few times then nodded "The coming in late, long lunches...missing days.." you trailed off and he dropped your chin "Oh you noticed that"

You let out a watery laugh "Yeah I noticed that. What is it? Are you leaving again? Is it your PTSD and you're back in therapy or are you using again?" you held his eyes despite how vulnerable you felt.

He nodded and walked closer until he was standing between your legs, face just a breath away from yours "No to any of that. For one I just bought a truck and signed a eighteen month lease and why would I leave when you're here?" for emphasis he placed one hand on your leg and squeezed gently "I told you I'm home for good and I mean it. I am in therapy regularly but not because my PTSD is as bad as it was before but because I don't want it to get as bad and I've come too far to fall back into getting high again I would check myself into rehab first"

Your heart was beating in your throat by that point. He was so damn close you could smell the sandalwood of that cologne you always loved and feel the heat coming off his body. The hand that was on your leg started rubbing small circles on your thigh as he spoke "I love you. I hope you know you know that's still very much true" he leaned down to reach into a drawer and wrapped his opposite hand around something "I had plans to ask you to dinner and make a big night out of this but I guess this is as good a way as any" you knew your confusion was plain up until he grabbed your hand and placed the gold badge into it.

You froze, eyes wide looking from the badge to him. "What?" he shrugged shyly. "The late mornings, long lunches and missed days. I had a few courses I needed to take and exams to finish up but I did it. I'm officially officer Gregory Gerwitz, tech expert of the intelligence unit" He put a hand on each of your legs, pulling you closer to the edge of the desk and to him but you trusted him to not let you hit the floor.

He leaned forward until his forehead was touching yours "I told you I am not leaving. I love you too much to let you slip through my fingers again." you cut your eyes up just far enough to be looking into those blue eyes you loved so damn much "You really mean it don't you?" he nodded with a smile pulling at his lips "I've been telling you"

You reached forward and your fingers found the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards you. The moment your lips met his, a light whimper escaped him before your fingers moved up to bury themselves in the hair at the base of his neck. That was like a switch was flipped, He took control of the kiss, one hand moving to cup the back of your head while the other hitched one of your legs up around his waist.

He groaned against your mouth before he slipped his tongue past your lips and when you parted them to allow him access he licked into your mouth causing your back to arch which effectively shoved your clothed crotch into his, the pressure causing a small gasp to leave you. He rolled his hips into yours and you felt him smile against your lips when you whimpered into his mouth.

When the need for oxygen pushed you apart he moved from your lips to kiss across your jaw then down your neck, when he bit that one spot right over your pulse your back arched and a low moan left you but you also remembered you were both at work, on an active case, he'd just gotten his badge and Voight had no problem giving his people hell despite how he protected you all from outsiders "Fuck...Mouse..Greg..we gotta stop"

He froze the moment you said so but left another gentle kiss on your lips before taking a deep breath "Yeah..we do" You picked up his badge from next to you where it'd gotten dropped "I am so proud of you" you handed it to him and he smiled "That means everything to me baby" he grimaced at calling you baby but you shook your head "It's fine. Um, about what just happened..."

He looked like you'd kicked him for a second before he forced a smile "We can forget it" you nodded slowly and reached out to smooth his hair down with your fingers "Or considering this case is busting our asses we work it and hopefully get a lead in the next day or so then Friday we do that dinner you were talking about" he blinked a few times as if he was trying to make sure he'd heard you right "Did you just ask me out?" The grin on his face made you want to pull him back to you. You slapped his chest lightly "Oh hush. Technically I agreed to go out with you"

He nodded then leaned in, catching your lips in a quick kiss before pulling away "Sounds good to me baby" you felt your entire body warm at him calling you baby. Before you could say anything your phone chimed. He stepped back to let you lean up far enough to dig it out of your hip pocket and your eyes widened when you read the text from Adam Voight is looking for Mouse! you looked back up at the man in question and pointed towards the door "Go! Hank is looking for you!" his eyes widened slightly but damn him he had to kiss you one more time before running out of the room to head back upstairs.

You sat there a few seconds to let your heart settle. Besides you going right up after him? Yeah that little vein on Hank's forehead would probably burst instead of just poke out like normal. You finally pushed yourself off the desk and fixed your clothes and hair before heading for the stairs. You met Adam on them and he raised an eyebrow "So?" you couldn't stop the smile if you tried "He's CPD Ruz. That's what he's been doing. He got his badge" he picked you up in a hug and you laughed from the weight being lifted off your shoulders that had been there since Mouse had come home waiting for the other foot to drop.

Adam froze with you in the air "Shit. I came to get you cause we gotta go! We got a lead" you looked down at the floor where your feet was dangling a few inches over it "Well I suggest putting me down first partner" he grinned then put you back down on the stairs "Let's get it"

The major break in the case came two days later. You'd run down two different crews, a total of eight people were brought in. Five of those eight had ended up having to be taken to med because they'd either a shot at one of you and taken fire in return or like the two idiots on the crew that thought it would be a good idea to try to corner you and Kim, cutting you off from everyone else for a hand to hand fight. The two of you had kicked their asses then that had gone swingingly for them when the rest of the unit arrived.

You stood outside of interrogation watching as Hank and Erin worked to try to get a name out the leader of one of the crews. You needed the man in charge, not his flunkies. You felt someone step up behind you right before Mouse's hand came to rest on your lower back "Your shoulder ok?" He spoke in a low voice. You and Kim had both gotten slammed onto the sides where you'd both previously taken shotgun blasts at one time or another so Voight had ordered you to get seen while at Med. Will had cleared you both and given you prescription strength ibuprofen with a warning to come back if any pain worsened.

You knew Adam was probably checking on Kim as well considering last you'd seen she was watching Kevin and Al interrogate the leader of the second crew. "I'm ok. Ibuprofen helped" you replied looking over your shoulder back at him before smiling "Besides I'm not the one with a broken jaw" he shrugged "He resisted" you rolled your eyes and turned back to the glass of the interrogation room "I can take care of myself" He leaned over far enough to place a quick kiss on your cheek "I know but that doesn't mean I can't help you take care of you"

His computer chimed and he grinned at you "Their phones may have just told us everything they won't" he kissed your cheek once more then walked over towards his desk and sat down. You watched as he started typing on two different keyboards and going between two screens. It seemed like hardly no time had passed before he looked up at you "Pull Voight. We got a name and location" "Seriously?" you asked and he gave you a look which clearly asked if you were doubting his skills. You grinned at him "I'll pull him"

You walked over to the door of the interrogation room and leaned your head in causing Hank, Erin and the guy they were interrogating to swivel their heads towards you. "What?" Hank asked rather bluntly but you were by far used to it. "We got something Sarge" he waved a hand so you cut your eyes towards the guy before shrugging "He didn't want the deal and now we don't need him. We know who his boss is and where" Hank looked back at the guy who stammered "I'll t-tell you the entire layout, his business and everything" Hank looked back at you and nodded "Get Mouse to keep a ping on his Boss. Let us know his every move. Go tell O. We move within the hour" "Yes sir"

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"Duck your head" you warned one of the bodyguards you had cuffed before putting him in the back of one of the patrols sitting around the premises of Christopher Williams. The break-ins intelligence had caught ran deeper than any of you had realized. Williams owned a security company.

He was selling codes to gangs then when his clients were burglarized he was blaming outdated equipment and upcharging them for new systems and if they didn't upgrade he'd hire an even worse crew to go in when they were home to rough them up in a grab for more money. He was shaking them down for protection basically. A fucking millionare preying on people to boost his company more because the further he drove up crime rate the more business he did and he was also running for governor of Illinois on the standing of cracking down on crime so he was helping himself on both standings. It sickened you.

You heard Al call your name so you looked up to see him talking to a couple detectives from major crime that had come in last minute to back intelligence. Normally you hated playing with others but detective Lopez and Jones were decent and on the same level as all of you so anytime intelligence and major crimes overlapped Voight would request them. You adjusted your vest down then walked over to the three of them. "Yeah O?" he nodded towards the main house "Is it just me or does the window of his front door look like a certain body part of a woman?"

You looked towards the closed front door and barked out a loud laugh when you saw what he meant. Sure enough the window of Williams' front door resembled a delicate feminine body part. "Christ, how did anyone ever take this man seriously?" Lopez shook her head "I have no idea" "And his policies were shit even before this" Jones added with a shrug of his shoulders. You nodded in agreement because that was true, Williams had no grasp of what Illinois or Chicago needed. He was just money hungry.

The front door of the house opened and Jay and Mouse walked out talking to two techs and you bit your cheek to not let a smile slip onto your face. He fit into this so perfectly, despite everything. "Let's wrap this up!" Voight's voice called out and you couldn't agree more. It was Friday night. You had a date.

Mouse parked his truck next to your jeep and suddenly found himself nervous. Why the hell was he nervous? The last week had been amazing. He'd gotten to kiss you again, feel you against him even if it was borderline innocent. You were even affectionate with him at work or as much as was appropriate. You were coming back to him. You were giving him another chance when he still couldn't wrap his head around you ever giving him the first one so why was he so damn nervous?

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before climbing out of his truck and heading for your door. He knocked twice, standing back to wait. When you opened the door his jaw dropped.

You were in a black dress that skimmed your mid thigh with high boots and your cropped leather jacket Erin had gotten you for your birthday years ago. Your hair was down loose and you looked fucking heavenly "Good lord" he muttered and you laughed "Is that a good thing?" he nodded, letting his eyes trail over your body shamelessly "Very good. You look amazing, I mean you always look amazing"

You smiled and trailed a hand down his chest "Don't look too bad yourself there Gerwitz" he watched your hand trailed down his chest until it came to rest on his belt then swallowed hard "If we don't leave now we may not ever make it to dinner" you looked up at him through your lashes and smiled almost shyly "Yeah and I'm hungry"

He nodded slowly and you pulled your hand away from him "Starving" he agreed, eyes finding their way to your cleavage even more when you purposely adjusted it to make it more prominent then smiled again "Let's go" he took your hand and shook his head with a laugh "You're trying to kill me. I know it for a fact now" you laughed lightly "Never" and let him lead you to his truck.

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Dinner had gone amazing. The place Mouse had picked had wonderful food and was the type of place you two were actually able to talk throughout the meal. He told you about a few of the places he'd seen while he was overseas, some of the things he'd seen. You told him about some of the cases you'd worked while he was gone, some of the happenings around Chicago he'd missed. By the time the check was paid your heart felt like no distance had ever separated the two of you.

You were walking out to his truck, hand in hand when you stopped him by calling his name. He looked at you and you smiled slightly "When are you gonna let me see that full tattoo?" a smirk slipped onto his face "When do you want to see it?" you shrugged one shoulder "I mean, we're headed back to my place. You could always come in" he stepped closer to you, slipping both arms around your waist so you rested your hands against his chest so you could look up into his eyes "Baby, are you trying to get me half naked in your apartment?"

You bit your lip and looked off like you were deep in thought for a moment before making a so-so motion with your right hand "Half naked, all the way naked. You're a grown man I'm not gonna tell you the level of naked you can be" He raised an eyebrow "You are so weird at times" you grinned "And yet you came back halfway around the world just to win my heart again" he leaned closer to barely let his lips brush against yours before saying "I'd come back from anything to get back to you. Now let's get back to your place"

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"Greg!" you couldn't get your key in the door because he currently had his arms around your waist, holding you in place while his tongue and teeth worked the sensitive skin of your neck. Your knees were practically jello and your panties were ruined yet he'd barely touched you. Fuck just how much had your body missed him along with your heart? He kept one arm around your waist before taking the keys before your trembling hand and getting the lock on the first try.

You looked over your shoulder at him with a glare "Yeah it's easy when someone isn't hitting every damn spot they know you love" he grinned "I'd say I'm sorry but I promised a long time ago to not lie to you" you shook your head and stepped across your threshold. Mouse stepped in behind you, closing and locking the door. You looked back at him and nodded towards your bedroom "I'm gonna go take my boots off. Nothing has really moved so make yourself at home" "Yes ma'am" he replied with a small smile.

You put your boots and jacket in the closet then walked back into the living room to find Mouse had discarded his jacket and was sitting on your couch with one arm across the back of it watching your bedroom door because the moment you stepped out he straightened his posture causing you to laugh "Greg, calm down. It's not the first time you've been here" he nodded, eyes never leaving you as you walked over to the couch and stood just in front of him "If you're uncomfortable..." before you could get the sentence out he cut you off "Never. I just don't want to cross any lines and fuck up"

You shrugged one shoulder "What if I cross lines and fuck up?" the look in his eyes when he raised his face up to meet yours was damn near enough to make you come apart when he said "Baby lets get one thing clear. When it comes to you there is damn near no line with me you can't cross" you grinned before pushing him back against the couch "Then I can do this" before he could ask you climbed into his lap, effectively straddling him. His hands went to your hips, dragging them down across the growing bulge in his jeans, letting you feel how his body was already reacting to you "That's what you do to me"

"Kiss me?" you asked and he groaned lightly "I'll do anything you want as long as you look at me like that" you smiled as he tugged you roughly towards him. The last week the two of you had kissed quite a few times and while a couple had gotten a little heated none were like this. This was teeth and tongue crashing, desire built up inside both of you for years spilling over into each other needing an outlet and finally finding one.

You rolled your hips down against his and whimpered at the feeling of his clothed erection brushing up against your sensitive center through your soaked panties. He broke free from your lips, both of your chests heaving as if you'd ran a mile "Fuck. I missed you" you smiled "Show me" his hands found the way to the hem of your dress "Can I take this off? Please baby, I want to see you"

The thought of your new scars he hadn't seen yet flashed through your mind and he must have read your expression because his eyes softened "You know scars don't matter to me sweetheart. Later we can talk about it but for now I just want to make you feel good" you shifted to let him pull your dress up and over your head.

The moment you were down to just your black lace bra and panties he stilled his movements and sat staring at you. For one horrifying moment you worried the scars did bother him. You weren't exactly Frankenstein's monster but your body wasn't the same way it'd been the last time he'd explored it with his.

Any worry drained out of your mind when you looked in his eyes and saw nothing but love there "I never thought I'd get you back" he admitted, ducking his head down to leave a trail of soft kisses across your neck. You felt a twinge of guilt for how much you'd distrusted him, how much you'd made him prove himself without thinking how his heart had been hurt as well.

You gently tugged on the hair at the base of his neck, forcing him away from yours. He looked up at you with a confused expression "I do something wrong?" You shook your head before crashing your lips against his, trying to push everything you felt for him into the kiss.

You felt his grip on your hips tighten before the world shifted and next thing you knew your back was against the couch, his weight pushing you down into the cushions. When you broke away from the kiss he smiled breathlessly at you "I love you Greg" you whispered and saw his eyes widen slightly.

Mouse felt like his heart was going to slam right out of his chest as he stared down at you. The woman he loved, stripped down to a pair of lace panties and a barely there bra. Lips swollen from kissing him and nothing but love shining in your eyes and finally hearing those three little words out of you again. After a moment you laughed lightly "What?" He shook his head "That's the first time you've told me that since I left"

"Oh. It is, isn't it?" You whispered and he was afraid you'd back track before you pulled him back for another kiss and spoke against his lips "I love you"

When your fingers started to work at the buttons of the light blue shirt he'd worn your hands were trembling just a bit so his covered yours. He pulled back from your lips "Sweetheart, look at me"

When you did as he asked he smiled "You want it off?" You nodded so he leaned up so he could make quick work of the shirt then undershirt, tossing them both to the side.

You'd known he'd added extra muscle to his slim frame. Hugging him and being in his arms had told you that but you didn't realize quite how defined the solid lines of those muscles were. Your fingers traced from his stomach up to his shoulders, trailing over the flesh and noticing the small shiver he gave "You ok?" You asked and he swallowed hard then nodded "I'm perfect"

Your eyes were pulled to the tattoo gracing his left arm and your hands followed. The intricate design started just shy of where short sleeves fell and worked its way up his arm and back to his shoulder blade. Small details appeared to you the longer you looked, you could pick out things you knew about his life and pinpoint it within this tattoo. "I really wanna look at that more later" You whispered and he nodded "Yes ma'am" you cut your eyes up at him "But for now I think we were in the middle of something"

The smile he had was devilish "And what was that?" You playfully glared at him "Well if you're opposed to having sex with your girlfriend" you acted like you were going to squirm out from under him but once again you were surprised at just how fast he could move. He had your hands in one of his, pinned down above your head on the cushions and a crooked grin on his face before you knew it "Girlfriend huh?"

You could barely think let alone speak. From your current position you could feel how hard he was through his jeans and from the angle of him pinning your hands it'd put his chest directly in your line of view so you licked a strip across his collarbone enjoying the way he ground his hips down against yours from the action. "Yeah. Unless you've decided in the last twenty minutes you don't want me" his eyes darkened at your words "I'll show you just how much I want you" he stopped just shy of his lips touching yours "If I let you go are you gonna behave for me? Let me love you like I want to? The way I've been dreaming about?" your thighs tried to clench but his hips were firmly lodged between them, keeping them spread open for him.

You nodded slowly but he shook his head "No baby I think I want words for this" your eyes flicked up to where his hand still held both of yours then across his chest before landing on his eyes "I will behave and let you love me but for god's sake let me touch you" his eyes closed at your words and a low groan left him "Fuck, you're gonna kill me yet"

The moment he released your hands his lips devoured yours in a hungry kiss as your hands roamed across his back, feeling the muscles move under your fingertips. The noises falling from him were damn near enough to make you come on the spot. You'd always loved the fact that he didn't mind letting you know he enjoyed sex with you.

His right hand came up to wrap around your throat, not tight enough to hurt but just enough pressure there that your eyes fluttered shut and you moaned loudly into his mouth

"You always did love that" he muttered before moving his hand from your throat. You felt his hand ghost over your breast before moving lower. You broke away from his lips with a gasp when he made the first swipe over your clothed core. He pushed the material to the side, one long finger slipping into you.

You could feel yourself clenching down on him and he moved to kiss across your jaw then neck "Fuck you're soaked baby" he slipped another finger in, curling them up until he found that spot deep inside of you that had your nails biting into his back within a few swipes "Oh there she is"

He pushed himself up on his other hand and smiled down at you, blue eyes shining brightly "I wanna watch you fall apart. It's been so damn long" He twisted his wrist slightly and your vision went white as you felt the bubbling of your first orgasm wash over you. He continued to work you through it, prasing how beautiful you looked coming on his fingers and telling you how much he loved you and missed you.

Once your high started to fade you met his eyes once more and he grinned at you "I haven't lost my touch" he teased before pulling his fingers from your pussy and brought them to his lips, holding your gaze as he sucked them clean. "I think I need another taste" he groaned before looking down your body then back up to your eyes "That ok?"

You nodded "Very" he crawled up you to press an almost gentle kiss to your lips before kissing across your jaw then down your neck. When he got to the scars that started on your right collarbone you half expected him to hesitate, at least slightly but instead you felt his lips work across the marks, sucking and biting the flesh as if he meant to cover the wounds of you being injured with proof of him loving you.

You squirmed under the feeling of his mouth on your body and he laughed against your skin "Always impatient. Let me have a little fun with you first" his mouth moved down to your clothed chest as his hands slipped under you to free your body from your bra. The moment more flesh was exposed to him he greedily rolled one nipple into his mouth while his hand gave the other breast attention. Your fingers buried in his hair, tugging the locks in just the way you knew he'd respond to. "Fuck that feels so good. You always make me feel so damn good" you praised and could feel his body react to it.

He switched to the other breast to give it the same attention before moving further down your body. You leaned up slightly to watch him as he left a trail of open mouth kisses across your stomach before getting to your waist. He moved down to settle his shoulders between your legs to keep them open and looked up at you through his lashes. You'd never seen a more gorgeous sight. His blue eyes were so damn bright and the way he looked at you like you were the most precious thing on earth "Fuck I love you" he chuckled before gripping your panties to snatch them off your legs. He tossed them down to the floor then looked back up at you "Look at you, my girl. All mine"

You didn't get a chance to respond because he lowered his head to your center. The first lick was tentative like he was teasing but when you whimpered out his name he groaned like a man starved, finally offered a feast. He had spent so many nights in this same damn position and damn near as many dreaming about being in this position it didn't take him long before he had you a quivering mess under him. When he added two fingers along with his tongue working at your clit the building pleasure you'd felt burst and drove you under as your second orgasm washed over you. He greedily cleaned up and continued teasing you with his tongue until you pushed at his head "Too much..way too much"

He leaned back as far as he could on the couch and grinned up at you "Did you miss me?" you laughed weakly "In so many ways" then your face fell slightly "You're still wearing jeans" he shook his head "I can fix that. Don't worry" he stood up and quickly shoved his jeans and boxers off his hips along with his boots, kicking them all away from him.

You watched him undress and felt your pussy clench at the sight of his erection finally freed of its constraints. He was long and fairly thick and always felt fucking amazing. He grinned at you staring and lazily stroked a hand over his cock "Liking what you see?" "Loving it" you teased before curling your fingers at him. He smiled and crawled up your body, kissing and licking every inch of flesh he could along the way.

When he got to your lips he brushed a gentle kiss against them and you felt his cock resting against your inner thigh "Any condoms?" he asked and you shook your head "You were honest about not being with anyone?" he nodded "I'd have no reason to lie" "I just got my IUD replaced last year and I haven't been with anyone since you" you offered, pulling him into a kiss.

You felt his cock nudge at your entrance so you slipped a hand between you to ease him in and both of you let out a low groan as he slid into you. Your head fell back against the cushion and his fell forward to rest against your collarbone. "Holy fuck" he whispered and you couldn't offer more than a whimper, waiting for the initial stretch to pass before you tried to speak.

After a few moments of leaving wet kisses across your chest and neck he gave a tentative roll of his hips and when your reaction was to shift to spread your legs a little further and let him in a little deeper he moaned your name. One of his hands went to your hip, hitching your leg up over his.

He leaned up to be able to see your eyes and the look on his face was so damn gentle your heart flipped. He stayed looking into your eyes as he found a rhythm that had you hooking your legs around his waist, digging your nails into his back and begging him to not stop. His eyes fluttered shut when your walls clenched down around him "Are you coming again? Already?"

You laughed breathlessly "Says the man doing everything in his power to make me" his eyes opened again and he grinned mischievously "Can't blame me. If you could see how you look" he gave a hard thrust and your head fell back again as you moaned his name "And all those pretty sounds" he teased.

When one of his hands slipped between your bodies to rub tight circles on your clit you felt the orgasm that had been building slam into you, the previous two making it even more intense. Mouse let out a long moan of your name, the feeling of your walls tightening down on him enough to push him over that edge. He buried his face in your neck as he came, long and hard. His grip on your hips was damn near bruising but you could've cared less, your entire body felt fucking weightless in that moment.

His breaths were coming in hard pants as he left a few kisses across your chest "I love you so fuckin much" he whispered so you ran your fingers through his hair, pushing the sweaty locks back "I love you too. I'm sorry it took me time to trust you weren't leaving" he chuckled and leaned back to look down at you "I would've waited forever and a day to get back to you" you smiled and pulled him down to press a gentle kiss to his lips "We really need to shower once my legs start working" the look of pride on his face was a mixture of sexy as hell and simply fucking adorable in that moment.

After a shower (and round two in the shower) you were laid across the bed with Mouse trailing his fingers across the scars on your collarbone. "Did you really think that this would make me not want you?" you shrugged "My body isn't exactly the same as you left it" his nose wrinkled up at his words "Don't talk about yourself like that. Bodies change but who you are doesn't. I love you regardless" you leaned over to kiss his cheek "I know. I never should've doubted you" he smiled almost sadly "I don't know what I would've done if I would've got home and you had moved on"

You sat up and turned to face him "What?" he shrugged "You have been the front thought in my head since the moment I left. You helped fight for me before you barely knew me because Jay said I was a good guy then when I started getting clean you didn't treat me like a junkie. When I came to work the first time you were one of my first friends that weren't army or from days I'd rather forget. If you would've been with someone else I would've had to accept it because I knew I had to find a way to have you back in my life in whatever way you would have me"

You shook your head in shock "You're saying you would've let me move on and been ok with it just to be able to be in my life as a friend?" he nodded "I love you and when I say that I don't just mean sexually. You're it for me. It would crush me, don't get me wrong but a life without you crushed me even worse" you blinked a couple times to force back tears "I don't know if I'm worth loving that much" he sat up quickly, pulling you over into his lap.

One hand cupped the back of your head forcing you to look him in the eyes "You looked at a broken man riddled with PTSD, addiction and so much more and saw something under it all. You are Adam's best friend. Every member of our unit would die for you in a heartbeat because they know you'd do the same. You have such a strong heart and will fight with everything you have for those who need you. You are worth every amount of love you've ever convinced me I'm worth" tears started to slip down your face "I've made you jump through so many hoops since you'd been back and I didn't trust you"

He shook his head "No baby. You guarded your heart to protect it. I get it and I will never mind having to break those walls down for you. Come here" his lips found yours in a gentle kiss, moving slowly against each other. You returned the kiss, fingers trailing across his shoulders and down his back. You could feel him start to harden under you so you rolled your hips down against his pulling a slight hiss from him as he kissed you before he pulled back and raised an eyebrow "What are you wanting baby?" you rolled your hips again and his head fell back, exposing his neck so you used the opportunity to nip at a few places you knew he loved "I want you" the groan that fell from him was heavenly "I'm yours"

The next morning you woke up laying on your side with Mouse's frame wrapped tightly around you holding your back to his chest with an arm tucked around your waist. You started to just snuggle into the pillow and fall back asleep but before you could your phone started ringing. Mouse grumbled from behind you "Where is that damn thing?" you leaned up to look around and spotted it on the side table behind him "Behind you"

He stretched one hand out blindly and grabbed your phone before holding it out to you. You saw it was Adam so you swiped the screen to answer "Hey Ruz" Mouse's eyes snapped open at that and a broad grin split his face "Morning Adam" he called out and you laughed when Adam made a fake gagging sound "Oh jeez I didn't need that mental image along with the things I know. You two deviants get dressed and meet me at the diner down from my place. Kim is taking her sister and nephew to the zoo and I need your help with something"

You looked over your shoulder at Mouse who shrugged "I gotta go to my place and grab clothes" you nodded then told Adam "Two hours? Mouse needs to go to his place to get fresh clothes" "Didn't need to know that either but ok see you then" the line went dead and you felt the bed shaking behind you from Mouse's laughter.

When you rolled over to face him he nodded towards where you'd tossed the phone onto the side table "What all does he know about us?" you shrugged "I get chatty sometimes and forget that although he's my best friend he doesn't wanna know things Erin and Kim do. Plus he has been our designated driver for a couple girls' nights...." you trailed off and he simply laughed harder "Well am I getting a good report for last night?" you laughed and pulled him into for a kiss before saying "Top marks all across Gerwitz. Now lets go see whats so urgent Ruz needs us on a Saturday"

[nekomacheercaptain]

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ Welcome to Cheer's Kinktober 2024! ₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

Hi!! I am so excited for this year’s Kinktober and hope I’ll be able to follow through! (This is pure self-indulgence, as you can see by the characters I've chosen lol) I hope you enjoy it as well! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Day 1 - October 1st

Voyeurism - Donquixote “Corazon” Rosinante x fem! plus sized reader

To recruit a new business partner with a curious kink, Doflamingo allows his brother to have you for the night. His brother that's been trying to get rid of you since he first laid eyes on you.

Day 2 - October 5th

Shower sex - Koganegawa Kanji x fem! reader

Koganegawa is a player loved by many, yet has never experienced the love of a groupie. Until you catch his eye.

Day 3 - X (postponed)

Lazy sex - Trafalgar Law x fem! reader

After meeting again on Zou, your relationship is different. On your journey to Wano, Law has to learn how to let you into his heart properly.

Day 4 - October X (postponed)

Body worship - Jean Kirstein x fem! reader

For all you know, it's your very last night alive together - and you make the best of that.

Day 5 - October 19th

Forced proximity - Roronoa Zoro x fem! reader

Zoro thought it would be fun to go on a hike in the snowy mountains, saying something about "needing firewood". You, for some reason, didn't question him when he took the lead?? Oh no... what are two people supposed to do to keep warm when they are lost in the cold?

Day 6 - X (postponed)

Cockwarming - Halsin x fem! reader

Terrible focus and a brain that never shuts the hell up can lead to... some frustration. Luckily Halsin is patient... but he also likes to tease ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Day 7 - X (postponed)

Praise kink - Reiner Braun x fem! plus sized reader

We all know how poor mental health can affect our bodies, so it's no shock Reiner, in particular, struggles. But as bad as he feels about his body not cooperating with him, it's important to have a partner that knows sex isn't just about penetration. In other words, Reiner learns what real intimacy is.

Day 8 - X (postponed)

Threesome - Kuroo Tetsurou x fem! reader x Bokuto Koutarou

Being sandwiched between them would be so amazing, so I had to write about it. That's it, that's the summary.

[sorensolsikke]

recently as i discovered that i am an alterhuman, i came to the realization that i have SO MANY SHIFTS, day by day. okay i admit, i knew that not everyone "feels like an animal", because if they did, it would be discussed a lot more. but knowing the term 'shifting' and 'otherkin' would have helped me like. not feeling like an outcast for so many years. i genuienly hope that the times when alterhumanity will be at least a wildly known - if not accepted - phenomenon are coming.

like how could i have known i am not the only one, when i was nine, threatened and bullied by my classmates, getting startled easily and feeling like some animal, long neck, eyes wide open, smells and vision getting neater. i thought i was broken, therefore worthy of the bullying, the beatings, the loneliness, because i was something less than a 'sophisticated human'.

after i've got hurt, i imagined/saw myself as a big blue firebreathing dragon, landing on the middle of the school's backyard, catching and scaring my bullies, roaring very very loud. afterwards, i felt bad, guilty, sinful for imagining that i hurt people like an animal.

while on car rides, i imagined a dragon looking like the real me running outside the car, jumping around obstacles, sometimes getting off. sometimes, i felt the wind on my face and under my wings and i felt the soil under my paws and the grass touching my sides. i thought i was getting obsessed and i am abnormal.

my phantom thorns and wings had weight, even when i was twelve. i was afraid i've been sensing that someone is watching me behind my back, the way the characters of books can sense it. when i realized i can feel the shape of the things i am sensing, i was shocked.

i've been disliking my body for so long, without knowing what's wrong with it. it wasn't at all about my genderfluidity, as i thought for years, no. i've been passing for both a girl and a boy since i was very very small. no, i hated how the muscles wrap around my arms and how my legs are formed and i couldn't raise my ankle high, like it is with dogs. i hated my teeth not being pointy enough and my skin not growing scales. i had so many phantom shifts through all my life that it made me self conscious. the understanding that i am a pretty human AND a miserable dragon came to me so late, that i had already been struggling with ed for years.

my point is. no matter if alterhumanity is formed by delusions, coping mechanisms or other psychological reasons. up until it ceases to be a taboo to talk about for a literal CHILD, my case can happen over and over. alterhuman communities are needed and are comforting and supportive for people with similar experience. i deeply hope we will get at least as known as furries, so to provide answers for people in need of it.

[lewkwoodnco]

Now That We Don't Talk - Lockwood x Reader

A/N: very very brief suicidal mention, sooooo much writer's block hhhh (the seasonal depression is depressing), (angst but diluted if that makes sense) add/remove yourself from my taglist in the link beloooow ALSO

🎄Special Announcement! I'll be doing a twelve days of Christmas fic series (1 songfic fic a day leading up to Christmas) BUT I will also be accepting extra holiday-themed requests (if any)!🎄

(speaking of the holidays, thinking of switching to a santa-themed george icon soon hmmm), wc 3.1k

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 3.5 | Ch 4 | Ch 5

TAGLIST | MATERLIST

Moving had been a surprisingly smooth process that she remembered little of. She had to take care to not think too much about the ornaments she was packing or the boxes she was taping shut or the lonely town she was numbly driving towards, lest the rest of her catch up to the grief weighing her down. Her supervisor had looked plenty confused when she explained where she was transferring to, and muttered something about not knowing if there were any visitors there.

As steep as the change was from working in central London to a significantly sleepier town, she seemed to be adjusting fine. In fact, she was liking the peace and quiet. Or at least, she would, soon enough. She'd learn the right habits, like finding contentment in the stagnant void that descended on her windows far too quickly every evening, the same way she'd unlearn bad habits, like him. So no, her biggest problem was hardly the early sunsets here, but was actually what everyone wanted to talk to her about when she called. The one thing everyone - her old teammates, colleagues, friends - wanted to make sure she knew.

"The gala was fantastic this year - though not as fun without you, of course -"

"You'll never believe who showed up."

"He looked very sharp in his suit. He cleans up nice, I suppose - Anthony Lockwood, I mean."

"They've become quite the celebrities, that Lockwood & Co., though the other two don't seem to tolerate the cameras like he does."

"Oh, you should have seen it. Say what you will about Lockwood but does he know how to make an entrance!"

"Were you at the gala this year?"

She sighed for what must have been the fifth time that day. "No, Ted, I was not. You were at my farewell party, remember?"

"Tha' was for you?"

"Goodbye, Ted."

"Wait! You've seen the pictures, haven't you?"

"No, I haven't, because contrary to popular belief, I am not obsessed with evrything that goes on at Fittes."

"Well, we had a tiptop chocolate fountain this year. Didn't get clogged once and looked absolutely gorgeous. Anywho, I've recently stumbled upon this smashing business opportunity involving chocolate fountains - they're selling like hot cakes, I tell you! - and I'd love to spread the wealth."

"Theodore, you haven't joined another MLM, have you?"

"What is an MLM, other than an opportunity to invest in yourself?"

"Don't make me phone your mother."

The call ended rather abruptly after that. Only Lucy, as always, was an angel.

"I take it you've heard plenty about him?"

"Who? Oh, him. Yes, more than plenty."

"I thought you might. He has...quite the presence, so the papers wanted to interview him, and he agreed - "

" - obviously - "

"And I think they asked him about you at some point."

Her mouth dried. She struggled to find her voice, forcing it to stay casually disinterested. "Hm? What did he say?"

"Absolutely nothing. First and probably last time I've seen him stunned speechless. Naturally, it's all anyone can talk about."

"Mhm."

"He hasn't talked about you, if you're wondering. Sees it coming from a mile away every time George and I try to bring it up. It's so stupid; we know it, he knows it, and he's always in a foul mood. He keeps thinking, these days...Y/N?"

"I don't care."

"No one would blame you if you did."

"I don't."

"So how are you holding up?"

"Well, Luce, I felt happiness outside of external validation for the first time in...ever, then three months later I'm crying in my bathtub wishing I would die, and now I'm miles away from everyone I ever knew and it's always dark outside and I'm always miserable. I'm doing great."

She could hear the exhaustion in the crackling static of the telephone. It occurred to her that she wasn't much acting all that cheerful either.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think he half-expected to see you there."

She inhaled sharply and sat up in her armchair so fast she could feel a cramp curling in her neck. She didn't dare believe Lucy's words. "Really?" she wanted to breathe into the telephone, and revel in dormant delusions, if only for a moment. Instead, she gingerly sank back into the chair, continuing in a flat voice.

"Well, I don't care about any of that now. Oh, I'm sick of it. All of it. If I never hear his name again for as long as I live, it'll be still be too soon. How's George doing?"

After she hung up, she laid in her chair, watching the shadows from her shutters stretch and fold over her furniture as the sun set. She was thinking about the last party she had been to, a yacht party where some of Fittes' and Rotwell's biggest investors were in attendance. How Lockwood had managed to score an invite was beyond her, but what intrigued her more was the cab ride they shared back to Portland Row.

She had been half-dozing off when she felt a hand cover hers. As she blinked at him blearily, she noticed the rigid tension in his spine, as if poised and waiting for an attack. He was clutching her hand purposefully, as if holding off on warning her about something malevolent that was consuming him. She couldn't see his face, which began to feel no different from the cold, hard window pane it was peering out of.

She stirred, distantly unnerved by his impersonality. He glanced at her, apologetically retracting his hand with a sheepish smile. But that look of consternation remained on his face as he turned back to the window with a furrowed brow, with the air of waiting for something. He visibly relaxed as they approached Portland Row, but she couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling even by the time they reached the doorstep.

"You all right?" she was asking, while Lockwood fumbled with their keys.

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She didn't respond, and the two of them watched him wrench at the key in the lock, trying to steady his mildly trembling fingers.

"Key turns the other way."

He paused his efforts, and after a second or two turned the key the other way. The door slid open smoothly with a click. He held it open, but she just looked at him expectantly. He sighed.

"I'm fine, I promise. I just...get a little nervous around some parts of London."

"Which parts?"

"Some."

"Scared of what?"

"A few things."

"Why?"

"For fun. Look, I'm freezing out here. Can we just drop this?"

That was more than a mild exaggeration; the sun had only just set and the air was still pleasantly balmy. But he looked so beseechingly, and it didn't take much for her to relent when it came to Lockwood, so they stepped inside and shrugged their coats off in silence.

"I'll tell you some day. I'm sure I will."

That was some day too far away. Now she'll never know if, or why he ever felt like that. Or rather, she wouldn't know when he would feel like that. But it was no matter. It was none of her business then, and it was even less of her business now.

She had mostly forgotten about her conversation with Lucy by the following week, which was why her parcel came as a bit of a surprise, especially since she'd mentioned being swamped by a mountain of upcoming cases.

Y/N -

I was thinking about our call the other day. On a completely unrelated note, here's about every gossip rag from the past month I could find at Arif's.

Love, Lucy.

She was beginning to see what was so appealing about these magazines. As ruthless as they could be, they sure knew how to sell a pipe dream to common folk with less exciting lives. The gala was clearly as glitzy and glamorous as it was every year, and the articles held an air of intrigue now that she was quite separate from Fittes. But that quivering excitement became somewhat muffled as she flipped through the glossy pages.

The Anthony Lockwood she saw now looked worlds apart from the Lockwood she left behind. His well-fitting suit, megawatt smile and carefully styled hair made him look expensive in a way that destabilised her. She flipped through photograph after photograph of him looking jarringly luxurious besides walls of text effusing about the success of their latest case, and what an honour it must have been to be personally invited by Marissa Fittes herself. It weighed at the pit in her stomach to see this unfamiliar silhouette of a friend who was become increasingly unattainable, speeding along roads to prosperity faster than she could ever keep up with.

She sifted through the other rags. The most extensive feature was a few pages long, and was centered more on the exciting, up-and-coming agency that was Lockwood & Co. rather than a specific case. There were pictures from their most recent cases, and in each one he looked unnaturally distinct from the last, but in every single one he oozed an appealingly languid charisma. It was good to see him doing so well. She was happy for him. Or she would be, tomorrow, when she had the strength for it. Lockwood was unbearable in a way that made him perfect for a life in the public eye, a life for which she was somehow always deficient. She traced a too-long strand of hair flopped on his forehead in one of the photographs, as if she could magically straighten it out.

She could see him now, thumbing through the pages with an approving tilt to his head, limbs folded uncomfortably in the armchair he always insisted on sharing with her. "No such thing as bad press," he'd claim absent-mindedly, his too-long hair flopping impractically. And she'd watch him with bruised eyes like she always did, wishing for nothing more in that moment shared with him. In other words, wishing for nothing short of what she could never have.

Maybe it was some lingering wish to break herself before he beat her to it. Because that was all it was; dodging blows, lying through pretty teeth, racing ahead to pull one over on him, cursing the feel of his breath on her. There was simply no calm, no respite, only the all-consuming experience of becoming wrapped up in him and losing bits and pieces of herself which would never again be truly hers.

She picked up the telephone again. It felt too heavy in her hand. Numbly, she spun the dial as if on autopilot, keying in her mother's phone number. The dial tone comforted her in some twisted yet cathartic acknowledgement of the emptiness inside of her.

Looking at it now she could see the distinct air of mystery that engulfed Lockwood and clouded her vision. He was never quite fully present; a part of him was always tucked away to be kept secret in some dark corner, and her mind was only too happy to extrapolate, to construct this most desirable yet entirely mythical figment. She felt ragged, winded and worn from battling reality day after day, all alone. And most of all, she felt so very stupid.

Her mother was saying that she had made the right decision. Not that she needed any reminding. Of course her life had taken an upward swing ever since; she'd be a fool to think otherwise. She was positively paralysed with liberty, bedridden with joy, simply immobile with ecstasy!

She was slowly but surely going very insane. Now making eyes at each other, now disconnect, now love, now heartache, now this, now that, but never any peace. Maybe it was some lingering wish to shatter and let the pent up misery dissipate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Months passed. The holiday season arrived, and she choked through the November blues with shivering bones and clammy hands. Even with the slight uptick in visitors, as was expected in the colder months, her life provided little to distract her from her own ghosts under the floorboards. So when she received a consultancy request from Fittes one morning, she had written back and mailed her response all while still holding the jam knife.

The train was crowded and noisy with the bustle of the holidays, but as it chugged along through the fields of snow, she couldn't help but perk up ever so slightly at every sigh and creak of its wheels. There was a spring in her step all the way to Fittes headquarters, where she was supposed to collect her apartment key.

A tall, indistinct figure was walking out of the revolving doors as she approached. She flinched when she realised who it was - Lockwood, who didn't seem much happier to see her either. He looked mostly well, though the corners of his mouth were a little strained, his face flushed in the cold.

"...Y/N?"

"Lockwood."

"You're...home?"

"Yeah. Um, how have you been?"

"Good...good. Busy. As busy as winter gets."

He was wearing a different coat. It was quite similar to his old one, but this one was thicker and more structured, and looked like it was at least somewhat effective in keeping the brisk winter wind out. He looked foreign and unfamiliar in a way he hadn't since...since the Investors Party.

It had taken her a while to pick his face out of the pretentious crowd, given how preoccupied she was with weaving through the thicket of people. It had taken her a eyes minute to adjust to the almost nauseatingly charismatic silhouette of an especially-chuffed Lockwood in a newly tailored but otherwise identical suit. She tried to give him a reproaching look, but there was something infectious in his smooth ease as he larked about in his prime which made her lips twitch despite herself as he waded through the crowds.

"You really shouldn't be here."

"You're clearly not drunk enough yet."

"How did you even get in? This is invitation-only."

"Had an invite, didn't I?"

She pursed her lips, shaking her head slightly. He was hopelessly incorrigible in an oddly fascinating way. Her voice dropped to a murmur as she felt herself begin to relent.

"I ought to...tell someone about you."

"That you're secretly in love with me?"

"That we have an illegal stowaway."

"You're not going to rat me out, are you?"

The pleading look on his face was enough to give her pause. She was already beginning to regret her decision, but he looked so vivacious it was difficult to stay disapproving for long.

"Excellent. Now, would you be so good as to point me in the direction of the bigger spenders?"

They spend the next few hours laughing and entertaining the many important men on the boat and their great deal of important thoughts. She'd excuse herself towards the end of every conversation to leave Lockwood and the glimmer in his eye to close a deal. For someone so adept at climbing the corporate ladder, she was surprisingly poor at fulfilling these adjacent duties.

She hated every second of it, and she drank as much as she could without raising eyebrows to make it all halfway palatable, but it was all worth it then. He had wanted to stay for as long as it would have been polite, so when they finally left, long after the media had made their rounds at the event, his jacket was folded over his left arm and his hand was delicately holding hers.

When she was stuck in her drafty cottage on the edge of nowhere, she'd think about the feel of his fingers curling around her palm more than it was appropriate, and wonder how she ever thought she was somehow better off here.

But that evening's sense of camraderie was long gone. Now, she regarded him coolly, holding him at arm's length. They may have had a rough falling out, but that didn't mean they couldn't still be friends. Just friends. Nothing more. But the vaguely intimate look in Lockwood's eye told her he was in no mood to entertain any kind of platonic notions.

"I didn't know you were back."

She relented. It was the season of giving, after all.

"Only for a while. Fittes hired me as a consultant for a few months."

He blinked at her. "You could have called."

"I didn't think you'd be interested."

"Of course I'd be interested. I'm always interested when it comes to you."

She sighed sharply. It was so easy to get swept up and believe him when he said things like that, that she wondered how she found the strength to leave. He was a bastard, a ne'er-do-well who only knew how to break her heart after promising sweet, simple luxuries in whispers over expanses of skin. She made her lips tremble, her pulse quicken, her heart shake in all the worst ways.

But underneath all that, love was there. Love was there...still.

"Ready to go?"

They turned in unison towards a strikingly beautiful girl with glossy raven curls walking out of the revolving doors. The girl's smile only slipped a fraction as she shook her hand, and she was distantly aware of making some kind of clumsy introduction. They stuttered through some stunted small talk, during which all she was aware of was the blood roaring in her ears that gave the whole scene a distantly muffled feel. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Well, this was...lovely. Shall we go, then?"

The girl turned to leave, but some semblance of hesitation prevented her from pulling Lockwood along with her.. His face still had that same confused look.

"You could have called," he repeated tonelessly, like a broken record. The girl's presence made the back of her neck smart and prickle uncomfortably.

"I might, later."

"Bye. Nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you too."

"We're home all day."

The last one was from Lockwood.

"Just...if you want to drop by. So that Luce and George don't have my head on a platter by supper."

"Goodbye, Lockwood."

He was captivating in a way that made her want to keep him all to herself. No one needed to intrude on this tantalising secret they shared. It was at that moment that she made the very unfortunate realisation that she didn't need to say it out loud to make what she had been screaming from the rooftops of her heart any more real - him and her would forever be unfinished business.

And nothing she could do could make the palpitations of her heart any less real either.

As the life she once dreamed of walked away from her, all she was acutely aware of was that it was a lingering wish, some half-thought dream, to sit opposite him in a chilly kitchen on blustery mornings, watching him drink his tea while she got drunk on him.

TAGLIST: @novelizt @avdiobliss @dangelnleif @mischivana @mitskiswift99 @houseoftwistedspirits

[nahoney22]

Heyyyyy love, I absolutely love everything you write. I have an itty bitty request!

Would you be able to write a cute fluffy fic with a plus sized female reader with tech with just a touch of spice to it?

You could also make it fun and do one for all the batch members?

Please and thank you if you can!! 🥰🥰

*fun fact - I made that tech edit many moons ago so I’m happy to see it still be used! 🥰🥹*

Embracing the Curves***

All Bad Batch Boys X F!Reader

warnings: Mild NSFW, suggestive themes, plus sized female reader, confident reader (we’re all beautiful plus size or not!), mentions of a busty reader in some parts. Tech and Hunters parts are with an established relationship, others are not.

Authors note: decided to do small one shots for each of them in this post, write more for Tech and Echo because… it’s them ♥️ hope that’s okay with you @clonehoe- sorry for the wait !!!

Masterlist

Tech

Tech was watching you work with great interest, proud of the progress you had made in learning all the tips and tricks necessary for ship repairs. As he observed you beneath the control panel, clad in a snug tank top and form-fitting black pants that accentuated your every curve, he couldn't help but feel his heart rate skyrocket.

"Has the light come on yet?" you asked, your voice slightly muffled by the spanner between your teeth as you glanced up at him for assistance. The ship was scorching hot and it didn’t help that you were settled on a planet that had two suns to add to the heat. The heat system has always been faulty and despite you telling Tech you wanted to focus on fixing that, he was set in you fixing the hyperdrive first.

"Not yet. Try rotating the wiring counterclockwise. That should do the trick," he replied, his voice strained as he watched you work under his guidance. "There it is..." he murmured, his gaze darting to the lights above the control panel as you worked to fix the hyperdrive. "Good girl," he added, his endearment causing a flurry of excitement in your stomach.

Despite the nickname making you momentarily lose your concentration and hit your head against the side of the panel, you managed to remain focused on the task at hand. "Is it working now?" you asked, seeking confirmation with a smile as you wiped sweat from your forehead with the back of your hand.

"Yes, I have to say, I'm very impressed with your skills," he said, helping you out from under the control panel until you plopped down in a nearby seat to catch your breath.

"Yeah?" you asked, seeking reassurance.

"Absolutely," he replied, though his eyes were preoccupied with the alluring contours of your physique. "Perfect," he added, struggling to meet your gaze.

You couldn't help but smirk as you watched Tech struggle to keep his composure under your teasing gaze. Folding your arms over your chest, you subtly pushed your bust up to enhance your assets, causing Tech to wipe the steam that had suddenly formed on his goggles.

"Anything in particular that you're impressed with?" you asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

"W-well, it's hard not to be entranced by you looking the way you do while working under my command," he stammered, sitting up straight and tucking away his data pad. "I've adored your appearance since the first day we met, and seeing you all - forgive me - sweaty and wearing tight clothes is quite a fever dream," he added, his words causing a blush to rise on his cheeks.

You stood up slowly and took a couple of steps towards Tech, tilting his chin up to meet your gaze. "That's very sweet of you to say, Tech," you replied, your voice dripping with false innocence and a hint of teasing. "I am feeling a little sweaty though. Perhaps a shower would cool me down," you hinted, hoping he would pick up on your not-so-subtle suggestion.

Tech stood up abruptly, his hands flying to your waist and his fingers digging into your fleshy skin. "Perhaps since you helped me repair my ship, I could help you get freshened up," he offered, his lips trailing down your neck and over your chest despite the sweat that covered your skin.

"Eager, are we?" you asked, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck and suppressing a sweet sigh.

"Very much so," Tech groaned, holding you as close as possible. The two of you were rarely alone on the overcrowded ship, and with his brothers gone on a mission, Tech wasn't about to waste the opportunity to map out your whole body with his tongue.

Echo

"Trooper, what appears to be the issue?" Your entrance into the medbay had Echo stunned, his eyes locked onto your stunning, curvaceous figure and beautiful eyes.

He found himself gaping, struggling to find his words as he wished he had accepted help from the medical droid instead of being left in this state of awe.

"Trooper?"

Apologising for his silence, Echo managed to inform you of his injury to his femur that he sustained during a mission that had left him more grumpy than usual but your soft smile and calm presence helped to ease his nerves. Though, he was a little preoccupied on how your uniform was snug but not to the point it looked bad. It look really good.

He always took himself for a gentleman but as he gapes at you with hungry eyes, it was hard not to get enthralled by you.

You sat down next to him with a datapad, ready to take notes. "Can you tell me how this happened?" you asked with a soft smile.

Echo explained that he sustained the injury during a mission when heavy debris fell on him. You expressed sympathy and asked, "Are you in any pain, sweetie?" You were surprised by the endearment that slipped out of your mouth, although neither of you mentioned it. Then again, you did think he was much cuter than any other clone he had seen.

"Just a little, not as much as before," Echo replies steadily, hoping his blushing cheeks aren't too noticeable.

"I see. Have you been taking any medication for it?"

“No ma’am,”

You nod in understanding and stand to your feet again, placing your device to the side and slide on a pair of gloves. “Do I have permission to touch your leg to feel for any breaks?”

“Yes please.”

You both blink at one another and the quick realisation of what Echo just said sunk in fast but, you were blushing which was a good sign… wasn’t it?

“I mean, uh, do what you have to do ma’am.” He clears his throat, keeping his eyes diverted away from you but you could only smile at him in return and proceed to gently caress his thigh.

“Does it hurt here?” You ask, adding gentle pressure.

“No,” He says through gritted teeth, absolutely loving the touch of your hands on him - even if you were a stranger and even if it was simply your job.

“And here?” You ask again, applying pressure to a different area and as he winced in pain, your question was answered.

After a few more assessments, you highlighted that his femur isn’t fractured, only bruised and should heal naturally on its own. As you give the diagnosis, it went through one ear and out the other because again, his eyes being to wander and land on your hips as you turn away but caught him looking as you turn back to him.

You place your hands to your hips and smirk, “See something you like, Trooper?”

Echo’s eyes widened and he mumbled a thousand apologies at once, stumbling off the bed and thanking you for the help. You had a inkling that you may be seeing him again sometime. Well, you hoped so.

Hunter

Watching you work out was one of Hunter's favourite pastimes. The day was sweltering, and you naturally dressed in less clothing than usual for your workouts.

"Can I join you?" Hunter approaches you with a grin, sporting nothing but shorts that accentuated his tanned and toned body in the sunlight.

Finding yourself gaping in awe at his body too, you can only smirk back, slipping into a fighting stance and recalling every technique that Hunter had taught you. "How could I say no to you?" You ask and as you move, sweat drips from your body, enhancing your already alluring figure and heightening Hunter's senses.

"Good form," he compliments, stepping closer to you. His tone hints at his admiration for not only your workout performance but also your physique.

"Oh really?" You turn your head to glance at him, your eyes twinkling with amusement. "Why don't you demonstrate some other stances for me?"

Hunter relishes in the playful tone of your voice and steps up behind you, placing his hands tenderly on your hips, which he always yearns to touch. "Angle your body to the left and add a bounce to your knees," he instructs, guiding you through the movement. Though he knows you are capable of executing the exercise on your own, he can't resist the opportunity to have his hands on you.

You follow his directions but find yourself a little distracted by his touch. Even with his heightened senses, it feels as though Hunter is transferring his energy to you as his fingers caress the curves of your hips, trailing down to your thighs and back up to your arse, sending shivers down your spine. “Hunter…” you find yourself moaning his name, earning a low chuckle.

“Don’t get distracted by me,” he breathes down the nape of your neck but with his bare torso against your back and his hands roaming your body, it was so hard not to.

Wrecker

Wrecker had always admired your body, but it was your thighs that truly captivated him. At first, he was drawn in by your beauty, and it took some time for him to realize the full extent of his fascination. It wasn't until he saw you wearing shorts to bed one night that he truly understood the power of your curvy legs.

Now, as you lay on your cot reading a holobook, legs propped up in the air, Wrecker found himself once again unable to tear his gaze away from your thighs. He was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice you watching him until you decide to speak up.

"May I make you an offer, Wrecker?" You asked, and he nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of your voice. He cleared his throat and tried to act casual as he responded.

"Sure, what is it?"

"If you promise to stop staring at my legs all the time, I'll let you come over and give them a massage," you smirk, lowering your holobook to look him in the eye. Wrecker felt his face flush with embarrassment. Had it been so obvious that he couldn't take his eyes off you?

He started to stammer out an apology, but you cut him off with a wave of her hand and a soft smile.

"I don't mind," you say, sitting up until you’re sitting on your legs and teasingly entice him over by beckoning him with your finger. “I like to think they’re my best assets,” you comment, patting your legs that made them subtly jiggle which almost made him drop his helmet he was cleaning.

“Well, they are pretty.” He stands and comes closer until he sits on the edge of your bed watching you shift from your current position to you sat with them laid out. “Did ya mean your offer?” He asks, fingers twitching to reach out and touch your skin.

“I did,” you smirk, “go ahead.”

His hands come down to your thighs, large and rough yet gentle as he caresses your skin. He watches you for your reaction and as you tilt your head back and sigh in satisfaction, he knew he made the right choice in accepting your offer.

Crosshair

Crosshair watched as you struggled to hit the bottles he had set up as targets. He shook his head in disapproval and clicked his tongue, his new found admiration for you mingling with his frustration at your poor performance. But, he couldn’t help but also admire the view of you.

"You're doing it all wrong," he chided from the sidelines. To which, you let out a heavy sigh and nearly threw the rifle to the ground in frustration.

"I'm standing exactly where you told me to," you huffed, earning an eye roll from Crosshair. He approaches you, a small smirk on his lips as he positioned himself behind you.

"No, you're not," he teased, but he softened his tone as he sensed your frustration growing. "Stand here," he instructed, pointing to a spot next to him.

Reluctantly, you obeyed, standing close to him as he instructed you to raise the rifle and relax your shoulders. Crosshair watched you with his sharp eyes, feeling a sense of power as he towered over you.

"Okay, now what?" You asked, breath steady as you glanced back at him. You couldn't help but feel weak in the knees whenever he looked at you like that. He always had a hold over you, and him being so close to you now didn't help.

"Don't look at me, look at the target," he commanded. His voice, which usually dripped with venom, was surprisingly soft and alluring.

Turning away, you let out a small and surprised gasp as his hands come to your waist but to your surprise, he let out a small gasp himself.

“Wow princess,” he cooed, his fingers melting against the curve of your body, “I always knew you had a beautiful body but to touch it… stunning.” He breathes down your neck.

Your eyes widened at his words but you succumbed quickly to his touch, your back pressed against his chest as his hands begin to roam your body. “Y-you like my body?” You question with a hint of insecurity but your question is answered as he finally places his lips to your neck.

“I love,” he sighs, caressing your body from over your clothes, “every inch.”

You end up dropping his weapon eventually, it clanging to the floor with a thud and as you go to apologise, he spins you to face him, close and dominant. “Screw it,” he grunts, devouring your lips with his own.

That was enough teaching for one day…

Masterlist

My Kofi

Tags: @nunanuggets @andyoufollowyourheart @littlefeatherr @kaitou2417 @eyecandyeoz @captxin-rex @cwarssimp @jesseeka @ashotofspotchka @oohyesplease @megafrost4 @theroguesully @equalityforcats @mustluvecho @misogirl828 @ladykatakuri @jambolska-grozdova @chxpsi @arctrooper69 @padawancat97 @rain-on-kamino @either-madness-or-brilliance @staycalmandhugaclone @ko-neko-san @echos-girlfriend @fiveshelmet @dangraccoon @plushymiku-blog @chrissywakingup @kixs-husband @pb-jellybeans @tech-aficionado @grizabellasolo @therealnekomari @tech-depression-inventory @brynhildrmimi @greaser-wolf @tinyreadersmur @seriowan @agenteliix @kaminocasey @marvel-starwars-nerd @ladytano420 @imalovernotahater @swiftiexstarwarssimp @the-good-shittt @whore4rex @imperialclaw801 @temple-elder @erellenora

[majorproblems77]

I sent you part of this already but I decided it needed a bit more. 🫂❤️

“Please, Sir. I’ll keep up, or you can leave me behind. Just… go back to your boys.” Sky yanked himself out of Time’s grip and wrapped his arms around himself.  “Please.” His voice threatened to break and he looked away. Why wouldn’t the eldest just… go?

“Sky…” Time caught his arm. No, not in front of Time. Not when he was holding on to…everything by a thread. “I am with one of my boys.What’s wrong?” And the kindness in Time’s voice was the final straw. 

“I haven’t slept more than a half watch in two weeks.” He admitted. “I’m exhausted and Surface Sick but…” here he stopped as his voice choked. “I just need…” Another sob he fought to stifle. He needed the nightmares to let him sleep. He needed his head and body to quit aching. He was already a burden to the other heroes. He pushed through this on his adventure. He’d do it again…

There was a clatter as a golden gauntlet dropped to the ground and a cool wrist was lightly pressed against his forehead, then the eldest hero carefully pulled him into a hug and it was at that point that Sky fully lost his grip on everything and sobbed into Time’s chest. 

--

Sky collapsed into him, sobbing and Time caught the Chosen hero and fought to contain the panic. The boy had a fever. He wasn’t sure what Surface Sick meant other than Sky seemed familiar with it, some sort of illness obviously. Then there was their current situation. They’d hoped to reach a town soon. It would be better to stock up on supplies and catch news of their quarry but could they even move if Sky was very bad off? He knew the Chosen would feel awful about disrupting the group’s travel but he couldn’t imagine forcing pace when the boy was sick and clearly exhausted. All this was currently being frantically pushed to a back burner as the urgent issue was a teenager breaking down with a simple hug. 

“It’ll be ok, Sky.” He assured, shifting to take more of the Chosen’s weight. "I've got you, it'll be ok."

--

Time was saved from trying to come up with more than reassurances by the noise of rustling in the bushes and the emergence of Wolfie from the undergrowth. For a wolf, the expression was clear concern. It required shifting the Chosen in his arms to sign. So he ended up making an executive decision then and there.

"Go tell everyone to settle in for a bit. We're overdue for a rest day anyway." His pup nodded and trotted off towards camp. He turned his attention to Sky, whose cries had subsidided into exhausted shudders. He needed to get the Chosen somewhere he could rest.

"Let's get you back to bed, Sky." He shifted to pick the Skyloftian knight up, only getting a miserable whine in response. "It'll be ok, Kid." He hummed the Goron Lullaby as he walked. It wasn't on his ocarina and it had none of the magic the song would have if played on the proper instrument, but it was soothing enough he felt Sky start to properly drift off.

--

Twilight was human once more as Time approached the edge of camp. Now came the hard part, convincing the boys to not ask too many questions yet. He needn't have worried. Warriors had most of the others occupied with sword work or sparring. Twilight helped him get Sky wrapped up in his bedroll so he could rest. Wild broke from the group long enough to hand over a potion meant to keep a hylian from overheating in desert sun, hopefully it would help against a fever.

--

"How's he doing?" Wars asked quietly as he dropped to a crouch beside them. Sky was sleeping once more, albeit fitfully. Wild’s exilir plus a damp cloth had done wonders for Sky’s fever. But it was clear the young knight was still struggling.

"Better, a little..." Time turned his attention to Sky as the Chosen’s breath hitched and he began showing signs of distress. The cloth had lost its cooling properties anyway so Time carded a hand through Sky’s hair as he resolved the cloth. It seemed to soothe him.

"Anything you need?" Wars asked once Sky had settled once more.

These kids to stop breaking my heart. Was his immediate thought, but he shook his head. "Unless you know how to fix what's kept him from sleeping and made him ill..."

Warriors smiled ruefully. "We'll just have to keep an eye out. I'll switch you out when you need a break or in two more hours, whichever comes first. Ok, Sprite?"

Time nodded with a small chuckle. The Captain knew him too well to not set deadlines. He'd stay as long as it took to take care of his boys otherwise.

Oh my heart, this is adorable.

Thank you for sharing this with me :)

[merlatealeaf72]

Imagine your OTP, British TV Show Edition

Celebrity Hunted

"I think you're the most annoying fugitive we've ever had on the show but I hate to admit you're kind of funny, so when I catch you I'm gonna ask you out"

"I have no idea what I'm doing, I only applied to spend more time with my partner and they've already been caught, can you please help?"

"I don’t care if the Hunters are on the way to your house, you're kinda cute and I want to spend more time with you"

"I bring tea and coffee to the Hunters at HQ who are struggling to find the last fugitive, and to you, the last fugitive who has somehow managed to hide in HQ the entire time"

Strictly Come Dancing

"Hey, I know you're not my partner but we get along so much better, do you think anyone will notice if we swap?"

"I am in a fierce competition with you over who can make the weirdest faces when Claudia is talking to the camera"

"We started dating after our series on Strictly and I was planning on proposing to you when we won the Christmas special, but then we didn't so this is awkward"

"I have very bad stage fright and I honestly don't know why I signed up for this in the first place and oh my god our bodies are so close together ahhhhhhhh"

Taskmaster

"I'm in the team of three with you two and I think you're both cute, but you both hate each other so I'm guessing you don’t want to be a throuple?"

"You thought it would be funny to steal me from my boyfriend for a prize task but to be honest I kinda like you better than him"

"You've been stealing my stuff for prize tasks all series so for the final prize task I wanted to steal some of your stuff and I thought you weren't going to be home so this is awkward"

"So apparently Taskmaster shipping exsists and we're the second most shipped pairing after Greg and Alex"

The Great British Bake Off

"Its the first day and I've already accidentally dumped all of my meringue on my head, you're the only other baker who's giving me a hand, I appreciate it but I swear to god if you don't finished your bake because of me-"

"You've beaten me to Star Baker three weeks in a row, WHAT'S YOUR WEAKNESS?????"

"It feels like you're naming your bakes innuendos on purpose to spite me, the host that has to call it out"

"We've somehow managed to bake the exact same type of cake with the exact same decoration theme, we must be soulmates but I definitely think mine is better"

[raindrop-on-a-spiderweb]

Sending love to one of the best writers on ao3 😘💕 I check your page frequently and wanted to ask about the things that you enjoy doing or aspire to do

Hi Anon, it's so sweet of you to send this ask to ask after me. Rest assured your words are appreciated on this end; thank you from the bottom of my heart and top of my soul 🫂 I'm very glad you think highly of my work even after so long, and I'm so so sorry I haven't had any new content in such a long time. But I am hard at work on a oneshot that will definitely be published before the next chapter of Samarra, so the well won't stay dry for long! The summary is “A jaded prison nurse must come to rely on a man she hates and fears in the midst of a deadly prison riot.” I started writing it in the ward; it's based off of the Moundsville Penitentiary which is an especially spooky place I've been to–an old 19th century prison made of towering stone turrets, eerie high ceilings, and rusted iron cells packed together like pigsties. I'm hoping to get that atmosphere across; it's about ⅔ of the way finished so good progress is being made!

Well I enjoy writing, most of all, but I've already talked about that in detail a thousand times so I'll spare you. I love reading, of course (I just finished “The Five”, about the victims of Jack the Ripper, and it's a fascinating bit of history and an incredible and horrifying look at Victorian-era industrial Britain). I love exploring the mountains with my cats trotting along beside me and photographing what I find. In all honesty I'm a bit of a trappist–I rarely see people except hunters and cashiers, and most of my time is spent alone with myself or my dad. But each day is an adventure when you're in nature and each season brings primordial and beautiful changes– I collected watercress the other day and found the downy remains of a fawn. 

I love watching old movies. My dad and I were watching Laurel and Hardy last night and I swear it holds up a century later. Before that we watched King Rat, which is one of his–and my–favorite movie; about two men stuck in a Japanese prison camp and the Machiavellian and underhanded ways they survive there. The book is particularly good too, and the epilogue about rats devouring each other has haunted my dreams for a long time. 

On the same subject, a series that I highly recommend is called Tenko, which is very similar to King Rat, except the prisoners are women. It's so grueling, realistic and enrapturing; I've never seen anything that so squarely focuses on women's experiences, relationships with each other, the hardships they face, and how they struggle to survive together in a thankless, deprived environment. The backstabbing and despair that comes in their darkest moments, the love and support in which they uplift each other with, their mistrustful and uneven relationships with their captors that occasionally erupt in friendships and affairs–and all the episodes are on dailymotion, too!

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x74u4fi

I like dreaming most of all. So many of my story ideas come from my dreams. The worst thing in the world is waking up and trying to catch the stray strands of the dream slipping through your fingers. It's amazing to live so many lives–good or bad–inside your head. Sometimes when I wake up, I feel a sweeping, palpable sense of relief that I don't live in the world I conjured last night, and sometimes I wish I could just claw myself back into my brain and live in that little pocket world for the rest of my life.

I do not aspire to much. I don't really have any base wishes but to keep writing and live til 70. We all have our hopeful fantasies, of course, and when I finally do get Ragnatela on Amazon Kindle (Microsoft Word is trying to swindle me out of one hundred and fifty American dollars to use their dogshit platform, and since the manuscript is half-edited, I'm afraid to lose my formatting if I switched to a free program like Libreoffice) maybe it will get some attention. 

I still intend on writing on Ao3 until the day I die, though. Even with its unsavory content I have such a soft spot for its unrestricted freedom of speech and prose. Plus I don't want to give up talking to you guys and goofing off in the comments ☹️ I also aspire to stop drinking. I'm sure I've already shaved a few years off my lifespan with my tippling habit. But when one day is much like the other, is there much point in extending it?

I aspire to travel around the United States more. I took a trip through the Deep South to visit Savannah and it was enrapturing; something I will remember for the rest of my life. Rusted-out cars felted in green moss, skinny, grazing horses in windswept fields, peeling roadside signs advertising tent revivals, clownish golliwogs behind still windows of cafes, forgotten tugboats half-sunken into lagoons, highway strip hotels where craggy hookers peered at you suspiciously from their fold-up chairs, and derelict cemeteries separated between Union and Confederate. It was just post-Irma and we were often the only tourists at any of these places. The effects of the hurricane were stark and obvious, with the land in a state of shock before any official agencies came to clean them up. I remember boats crashed into the harbor and grandfather trees felled in front of opulent antebellum homes, and the sea churned brown and murky when we trekked to the beach. The sense of desolation, and not only from the hurricane, was chilling–but I loved being there and loved being swathed by the kudzu and history. My mother is very ill and before she dies we might make up briefly and take a trip to New Orleans together and explore rural Louisiana; I'd always wanted to write a story set in New Orleans. Louisiana is a fascinating state with its mixture of Napoleonic and Creole influences; and I've always been drawn to the grand, decaying tombs of New Orleans as much as I have been to the odd Francophone swamps and their hidden dialects and traditions. And one day I would like to go way, way out west and explore the Gold Rush ghost towns. All the mines where I am are filled-in, so I would like to venture underneath the earth just once. 

Most of all, I aspire to be alone, and live by myself for the rest of my life, far away from town, somewhere in the mountains like where I am now. I wish I didn't have to see another person for the rest of my life. Being alone with myself is bad enough, being with others is intolerable.

Anyways, I apologize for my undue pleonasm, you caught me in a chatty mood 😀 Here's an excerpt from the newest prison one-shot:

Rhoda had met Jesse Fitzner her first day on the job. It was midway through her shift, and she was taking a lunch break and grading her sister Sherise's homework in her office. The day had started with a white-knuckle ride in early morning mist so thick she couldn't see the taillights of the car in front of her. Midway through her preliminary tour of the prison, an inmate had stuffed his toilet full of socks, which promptly overflowed and leaked sewage out of the cell onto her high heels. The hoots and jeers had made her speed up, trying to avoid the leering eyes of her future patients. And her introduction to the mental ward, by a younger but just as pessimistic Fawna, had not lifted her mood any either.

So there she sat in her office, snatching a moment of calmness and frantically scribbling corrections over Sherise's homework before her sister turned it in tomorrow. And then the door swung open.

A blond man poked his head in and briefly raised his eyebrows. He was wearing the omnipresent, drab gray prison uniform, pants and a sweatshirt rolled up to his elbows. "What are you up to?"

She flipped the cover of the notebook over.

"Going over my sister's homework. Is there something you need?"

"Passing on a message to Nurse Judson. One of the inmates wants to switch his blood pressure medication."

"Oh, she'll be back soon. I think she's–doing something with the prisoners. Just give her a few minutes."

"No hurry." He pulled the chair opposite her and sat down in it. "So you're grading your kid sister's homework? Shouldn't she be doing that herself?"

The man had thick blond hair that stuck up in back like a duck's tail, and very rosy cheeks. He looked like he had just shaven, by the nicks on his neck. 

"It's a long story. I should be–"

"I've got time. If this is your first day, you need to take some time to yourself to relax--else you'll end up in the infirmary."

Rhoda laughed. He had a nice smile and a nice manner about him–very jovial and friendly. It was refreshing to see a man who didn't stare at her like she was a piece of meat. "Well, my parents died when my brother and I were still young. Seth was seventeen, I was fifteen. He went to work so we didn't have to break up the family, and I stayed home to care for my little siblings, all three of them. It wasn't fun. I always wanted to do more for them than what I was stuck with, so I'm making sure they get good grades and go to good colleges. That's why I got this job in the first place, to put some back for their college funds."

"That's real decent of you. I don't know a single woman who would go so far for their family. You'd best be proud of yourself. Where's your brother now?"

"He's working out of state in Pennsylvania. He found a good woman and has a concrete contracting business now."

"You got yourself a man?"

"Never saw the need. Someday, maybe, when I'm lonelier."

"Working here for a few years will train that loneliness for a man right outta of you." 

They both laughed at that, and Rhoda felt her tensed muscles begin to relax. "I didn't catch your name."

"Jesse Lee Fitzner." He reached across the desk to grip her hand. For being such a small-built man, he had a crushing handshake.

"Rhoda Ames. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"I knew a few Ameses when I was on the outside. Where your folks from?"

"Beckworth, west of here."

"Oh, you're bullshitting me. I have folks from there too. You don't know a Harry Fitzner, do you?"

"Harry who used to run the car repair shop?"

"That's him! My uncle. He retired a few years ago. His lungs got to him. Too much time in the mines."

The door slammed open again. An elderly prison guard, who had greeted her rather abruptly upon her hiring and who had a hard and wrinkled face, was standing in the doorway. When he saw Jesse, his face grew harder. "What are you doing here, inmate?"

Jesse raised his hands, still not moving from where he was leaning back on the chair. "Just dropping off a message for Nurse Judson."

"Next time, leave the message with Nurse Ames and promptly return to your cell. There's no reason for you to be here actin' so friendly."

To Rhoda's mild disappointment, the guard grabbed Jesse by his arm and yanked him out, harder than he needed to. Before he was escorted out, Jesse tossed a glance over her shoulder and winked at her. "Rhoda, you're a young lady, and I'm a bit of a spring chicken myself. I think we would get along real well outside these walls."

Rhoda couldn't help the giggle that bubbled up from her throat. She felt lightheaded. She was a rangy and abrupt woman with a working tan, and hadn't much experience with men flirting with her.

When Jesse was marched out, Rhoda stood up and grabbed her peaked nurse's cap, girding her loins for the next shift on the ward. While she was counting medications, the elderly guard–Miles–came in again and shut the door behind him. She flinched, expecting a dressing-down on her first day of work. I wasn't fraternizing with the prisoner, was I? Am I… am I gonna lose my job?

He sat down opposite her. "You ever hear that tale 'bout the lady and the snake?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to–"

"Old story; old, old story. One of them Aesop stories they wrote when people was still in togas and carved words in stone. A woman was walking home one day when she saw a frozen snake lying on the side of the road. It begged her to save its poor little self, this little creature of God. So taking pity on it, the woman brought it home and warmed it by the fire between her breasts. And as it thawed, it bit her breast. 'Oh, why would you do such a thing? Your poison will kill me,’ she wailed. And the snake smiled and said, 'You knew I was a snake before you brought me into your house.'"

Rhoda stared at him, puzzled. "I don't understand."

"You know what that fellow did to get in here? Fitzner was top dog in a motorcycle gang outside of prison. A real nasty one. He ordered a contract killing on a rival gang member. They snatched the poor fellow when he was leaving a bar. Hung him from a tree, broke his legs with doublejack hammers, used him as target practice with their sawed-offs, cut his dick off and shoved it in his mouth, then left and let him choke on it and bleed to death for the rest of the night. He was out, too, far out in the mountains, and they only found him weeks later when a hunter stumbled on him. One of the killers snitched on Fitzner in exchange for dropping a drug felony sentence he was staring at. That snitch went into hiding and changed his name. Two days after Fitzner was taken to this good penitentiary, he was found with his head beaten in, in a dry creek bed."

Rhoda's head began to spin in slow whirls. Her hand where Jesse had shaken it grew very clammy. She remembered his bright smile across the desk, his dark eyes, and felt bile and vomit churn in her throat.

"You both were talking for a while, I noticed. He's good at prising information out of people, Fitzner is. A boyish smile and a few good words and he can make both men and women melt like butter on yer tongue. See? Now he knows who you are, and where your folks live. Now he can get to you."

Rhoda tried to talk, but her tongue was paralyzed. She looked down and wiped her sweaty hands on her knees.

Miles got up and went over to the door. He looked out of the window set on top, and his hard face relaxed. He seemed much older in that moment, more wrinkled and exhausted.

"You'd best be careful of him, Nurse Ames. He's a bad 'un. I'll be glad to see the back of him."

As it turned out, Miles retired later that year and it was Jesse who saw the back of him. 

And Rhoda became very wary of him from then on. Whenever he saw her in the hall, in the chow line, in the infirmary, he smiled at her and tried to make small talk. She ignored him, or was curt with him.

Unfortunately, he seemed to take that as an invitation.

[wondereads]

December Reading Wrap-Up

The Villain Edit by Laurie Devore (★★★★☆)

I saw this author speak at Yallfest, hence why I decided to branch out quite a bit from my typical choices. The Villain Edit is a contemporary romance about a failed romance author who goes on a Bachelor-esque show to drum up sales for her backlist. She has a one night stand the day before production starts, who turns out to be a producer on the show. As much as this has the premise of a romance novel, I would consider it a contemporary novel with a strong side of romance. The focus is by and large on the development of the main character, Jac, as she struggles with her personal issues and starts to crack under the spotlight. I did enjoy the romance—even though the "love triangle" has a completely obvious end, Devore does some fun things with it—but I would have been perfectly content if Jac ended up alone, as long as she came to terms with herself.

Jac is a decidedly 'unlikeable' character, in both the show and the book, but she's highly entertaining to read about, and I felt a lot of empathy for her. She makes so many bad decisions and is unfailingly rude, but she rarely felt grating, even if I was banging my head against my steering wheel as I listened to the audiobook. There were some moments that felt a little misogynistic to me, but I think it was just playing into the dehumanizing aspects of reality tv. Even though this book is outside of my comfort zone, I had a great time with it, and it did a good job maintaining tension throughout.

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (★★★★★)

I am always blown away by how Tamsyn Muir constructs such intricate plots. I've read Harrow before, but I was still astonished by how neatly everything came together, each mystery playing into the others (I also have a crap memory so I forgot a lot of the book). Of the three Locked Tomb protagonists, Harrow is definitely my favorite. She's not 'funny' like Gideon or Nona, but she's snarky in her own way, and I have a soft spot for overachievers. She's also ridiculously competent and dedicated, and it's incredibly satisfying to see her always take it further than anyone thinks she will (soup).

Since I wasn't panicking about what the actual fuck was going on like the first time I read this, I got to slow down and take in more of the side relationships a bit more. Augustine and Mercy are both hilarious characters in their own right, and it's only multiplied when they're put together. I am an Ianthe hater (this would all be over if it wasn't for her), but she's just as compelling a character as everyone else. And then there's Jod. Fuck Jod. Anyway, on a technical level, Muir's writing is just breathtaking, with serious, flowery descriptions cut with hard-hitting, simplistic statements, occasionally lightened by humor that would be out of place in any other story. What an amazing book.

More books under the cut

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (★★★★★)

It took me a while to decide to give Nona five stars. Not because it isn't a spectacular book, it is, but because I experienced so much emotional turmoil while reading it that I wanted to withhold a perfect rating out of spite. Paul?? You can't put Paul in a novel and expect me to reward you for it. And yet it's all so good there's no other option. I'm actually quite furious with myself that it took so long to catch on to what was happening. I've still got absolutely no clue how necromancy works, but it was very interesting to learn its origins, only recorded through Ye Olde Twitch.

I was very excited to see the return of a fan-favorite character. I was a bit worried she Came Back Wrong. She probably did a little, but for the most part it just seems like her own, genuine decision to behave in this way in some semblance of a quarter-life-crisis. The first half of the book is rife with amazing new relationships, though I am hesitant to describe it as found family as it only lasts around 300 pages before quickly becoming lost family (that's not a spoiler, Muir would never let anyone be happy). In terms of the worldbuilding, beyond the origin story, it was so interesting to see what life is like outside of the Nine Houses, and there are many new mysteries introduced. I think the thing I most want to know more about is what the hell is going on with the Resurrection Beasts. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I wait news of Alecto eagerly.

For She Is Wrath by Emily Varga (★★★☆☆.5)

This started off as a very strong book. The story revolves around Dani, who used to be the daughter of an esteemed swordsmith before she was framed for the murder of a warlord and sent to prison. She is able to break out of said prison with the help of another young girl who just so happens to have a secret stash of magic. Dani puts this magic to use to disguise herself in order to infiltrate the royal court and take revenge on all who ruined her life—especially her former paramour, Prince Mazin..

I really liked Dani, the main character, and her pursuit of vengeance is a classic tale, even if this weren't a retelling. The very beginning is a little convenient (really, of all prison cells?), but once Dani is able to start working toward revenge I was hooked. I found the magic system intriguing, the romance had a lot of good tension, and it was incredibly satisfying to see the execution of said revenge. The big issue I had with this book was pacing. I seriously thought this would be the first in a series; it felt like there wasn't nearly enough time to do everything the characters wanted to in just over 400 pages. However, in the last 100 or so pages of this book, so much happens. A character is kidnapped and saved, an ill-advised bargain is made and broken, a big betrayal and a big reunion occur, on top of like seven other plot points. These major plot points, which would usually be given at least a full chapter if not multiple, were being cycled through with only a few pages each, not allowing the reader, or the characters, room to dwell on what was happening. It was so disorienting and unsatisfying that I docked what could have easily been a 4.5/4.75 star read down to 3.5.

The Last Graduate by Naomi Novik (★★★★★)

I don't really have much new to say about this one; I remembered it pretty well, I just reread it for potential use in my thesis. It was tough to stay focused on the actual reason I was combing through instead of just underlining every time El and Orion were in the same room. I continue to be obsessed with their relationship, even years after the series has ended. My favorite part of this book is probably the Scholomance itself; I love that it is shown to be somewhat sentient, even if it is only to fulfill the parameters of its creation. I honestly wish we could have gotten more of it as a character in its own right, but I know the plot wouldn't work otherwise.

The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik (★★★★★)

This one was a bit different. Still reading for my thesis, but I honestly forgot a good bit of the story, so there were some twists that surprised me once again. Novik is not subtle about the magical world being an allegory for ours, the fortunate creating problems (pollution, poverty, etc.) for the less so and needing to be forced to do something about it. The only truly fantastical thing about the whole situation is that El truly can single-handedly force them to care, which is quite cathartic to read. While there are a lot of new characters and relationships introduced in this book, and I'm a fan of all of them (particularly El and Liesel), my favorite is El's mom. Her and El play off each other well, and it's interesting to see the woman El constantly brings up in her narration.

Threads That Bind by Kika Hatzopoulou (★★★★☆.75)

I was not anticipating this book to be so good! Threads That Bind follows Io, who uses her skills as a Fate-born, allowing to see the threads of fate, as a private investigator in the city of Alante. Her latest case leads her to a run-in with an inhumanly strong and half-crazed woman who wields her own cut life thread as a weapon. Investigating the mystery leads Io to criminal gangs, up-and-coming politicians, and her own absent sister, all involved in something dark in the city's past. I think the mystery of this book was very good; I definitely had my suspicions for the ultimate culprit (and there were some red herrings that just felt unnecessary), but the process of Io discovering the truth was highly entertaining and it wasn't completely obvious.

I also loved the magic system! The idea of characters being distantly descended from various mythological figures, giving them appropriate powers, was very interesting, especially since it isn't the typical demigod approach. My favorite part of it is that the powers come in sets of siblings, each one playing a different role. For example, of her three sisters, Io is a Cutter, representing the Fate that cuts the threads of life, which allows her to sacrifice one of her own threads to cut someone else's. The worldbuilding is also one of my favorite tropes, which is that it seems to be Earth but far in the future, after some sort of climate disaster. I hope the rest of the series explains more of the history! Io herself was mostly a likable and easy-to-root-for protagonist. My one gripe with this book was that she felt a little too perfect sometimes, a lot of her mistakes and failings coming from her rough upbringing, not necessarily her personal flaws. Still, I enjoyed reading about her, and I really liked the romance. Her and Edei have a pretty natural progression from allies to friends to lovers that doesn't feel rushed, which is often an issue I have with YA romances these days. There was one thing I was hoping would happen, but I'm holding out for the sequel (the title, Hearts That Cut, bodes well). Overall, I really enjoyed reading this book, and I'm looking to get the second one soon!

Wolf Siren by Beth O'Brien (★★★★☆)

Can't say much about this one, it's unreleased and I read it for work, but it balanced an understandable middle grade writing style well with the heavy topics it addresses.

Forged by Blood by Ehigbor Okosun (★★★☆☆.25)

This one was a bit of a disappointment. Forged by Blood tells the story of Demi, an Oluso who can wield magic in a land that has forbidden it. She is hired by a lord to kidnap the prince of her kingdom, Jonas, in a deceptive bid to get him a higher position that would hopefully benefit her people. Demi does so with the help of her close friend, Colin, but a wrench in their plans requires them to go on a bit of a journey with the prince. This book isn't really advertised as such, but it's absolutely a romantasy, not a high fantasy. Demi's world is an unsubtle allegory for colonization, the northerners having overthrown the original royal family and oppressing literally everyone else. This is a typical plot, but it's not the unoriginality I have an issue with; it's the fact that the romance kind of neuters the whole metaphor. In an attempt to allow Demi a romantic relationship with Jonas, prince of her oppressors, the story has to take a whole forgiveness-and-collaboration approach to what is basically colonization, and it just misses the mark.

In general, I wasn't a huge fan of the romance in this book. There are a lot of plot gaps that clearly only exist to make room for popular romance scenes, and the romance just wasn't good enough for me to forgive that. I was sort of into it in the beginning, but that was more the concept; the characters don't really have much chemistry. The thing is, I really enjoyed Demi and Jonas as characters (Colin less so, he was clearly only there for love triangle drama). They're both passionate and dedicated, which the romance doesn't really add to. The magic system is also interesting, based on Nigerian mythology, but the book doesn't dwell on it as much as I'd like. Overall, there wasn't really anything egregiously wrong with this book, but it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been.

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang (★★★★★)

Another thesis reread!

Impossible by Lyra Cole (★★★☆☆.75)

This book is an omegaverse about five incredibly damaged people. Indie is an isolated girl with an intense eating disorder who discovers that she is an omega. In this world, omegas and alphas live in relative secret, making the transition difficult for her on top of her psychological struggles. Meanwhile, Hollis, Joshua, Leon, and Risk are four alphas whose pack fell apart in a mysterious, violent 'incident,' leaving them all traumatized. Normally books like this shy away from the impact PTSD and depression can have on someone's life. Impossible doesn't sugarcoat how flashbacks and severe depression fuck with a person's psyche, which I really appreciated. This is first and foremost a romance book, but it still allocates a decent amount of time to discussing the characters' problems and their healing process.

Other than that, there is a loose political undercurrent in the story, things that have far too serious implications for an omegaverse romance duology. Concerning that, I would have appreciated more happening; I was anticipating a bit more conflict coming from that area. The romance itself is pretty good; Indie and Leon by far spend the most time together, so their relationship develops the most naturally. The others feel a bit rushed, but I still like them. The book feels a little vague and directionless, but I enjoyed the characters and romance.

Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey (★★★★☆.5)

My longest read of the year tells the story of Phedre no Dalaunay. In the country of Terre D'Ange, there is one precept valued above all others: love as thou wilt. D'Angelines have a unique desire for beauty that presents itself in art, governance, and, crucially, sex. In the Houses of Night, which worship Namaah, sex is their method of tribute, and Phedre, sold by her mother to Namaah's service, has known all her life what she is meant to do. The only thing out of the ordinary about her is a red mote in her eye, Kushiel's Dart, which marks her as someone who experiences pain and pleasure as one. A noble, Lord Delaunay, takes notice of Phedre and purchases her indenture to then train her in the art of espionage. Her position allow her into places typical spies have no access to, and her skills loosen her clients' tongues. But Terre D'Ange is unstable, and her subterfuge leads her into a conspiracy to take a kingdom.

For a book published in 2001, this book is astonishing pro-LGBTQ and sex-positive. It portrays an understanding and healthy depiction of BDSM, draws a tasteful line between consensual sex work and rape, and boasts multiple characters that are openly queer. It's more politics and arranged marriages that get in the way of relationships than gender. This is also a complex and compelling political fantasy, pulling in court intrigue, diplomatic relations, and pretty good accuracy for medieval Europe (the map is just Europe, Terre D'Ange is France, it's not subtle). Phedre herself is a wonderful protagonist; she is dedicated, headstrong but clever, and knows how to utilize her talents to the best of her abilities. She has multiple entanglements throughout the course of the novel, but there are two main relationships, both of which were wonderful to read. One is a deadly dance, exploring the lines between love and hate, and one is complete devotion as the two go through hell together. Even for a book that discusses sex so openly, there actually aren't many sex scenes and most take up very little space; don't go into this one expecting a ton of smut. My only complaint is that the story does drag at times; it is over 1000 pages. I would read the trigger warnings before picking up this book, but otherwise I highly recommend it if you're looking for an in-depth political fantasy.

Otherworldly by F. T. Lukens (★★★★☆)

This was a cute, lighthearted paranormal romance between a goddess' familiar and a teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Ellery's region of the world has been stuck in an eternal winter for five years, but they might have a chance to save their city (and their family's farm) when they meet Knox, a familiar who's gone rogue for the chance to live his own life for once. The deal is simple: Knox helps Ellery discover why their Goddess has abandoned them, and Ellery helps Knox experience normal teenage things. Lukens has always been quite good at writing these cozy fantasy romances; they use magic tropes well to further the romance. I've previously had issues with them creating a world that 300-page romances just don't have time to explore, but this one was pretty self-contained and I didn't feel unsatisfied at the end.

The romance itself is very cute; Ellery and Knox play off each other well, and the story doesn't feel overly contrived or too rushed. I do think it's a little ridiculous that this one area of the world has been trapped in winter for five years and Ellery still doesn't believe in the supernatural. Oddly, it was the skepticism that broke my immersion. However, once they get past that, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. If you're looking for cute, fantastical romances, F. T. Lukens is a great bet, and I've enjoyed every book from them I've read.

[balkanradfem]

So, nobody asked, but I am going to tell you about a weird health(?) thing that I have going on, just because I think it's weird and funny, and not all that concerning but kinda like, interesting.

I've been going on about how I have low blood pressure, and this winter it's been worse than ever; which is curious. Because low blood pressure is usually the worst in summer when it's hot, but here I am, in December, collapsing on the floor and losing my vision every time I stand up, feeling dizzy all day because my blood is just not feeling it. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna work on this, I'm gonna salt my food double, I'm gonna drink tons of water, so I did all that. And nothing, I'm still collapsing all the time.

But, I've noticed that every time I go outside in the freezing cold, I'm suddenly feeling clear and awake and better. So I got an idea, and I shut off the heating in my room. And this worked! Being in a constantly cold room made sure I breathe in only the cold air and it helped me normalize the blood pressure, finally I was better. I was wearing warm clothing and hiding under covers and blankets to deal with the cold.

Until one day, I was feeling very unwell, uncomfortable and upset, and I couldn't figure out what it was for the whole day, until by the end I realized my problem was that I was overheating. I figured I must have been too warmed up, so I changed into light summer pajama, and instead of my winter cover, I used my summer cover (which is just a light blanket wrapped in a sheet). And I'm lying there like, hmm, this logically isn't right; it's the end of December, temperatures outside are below zero, this room isn't heated, I'm wearing only light clothing and using a light cover, if I go to sleep like this I'm going to catch a cold. But I couldn't stand anything more warm than this so I went to sleep like that, and the next day, I had to go to work, and I was worried that I was gonna be sick.

But I wasn't, and while working I even opened up a window because the unheated room at work was also too warm for me. I came home like what is up with this, this is not my normal winter behaviour! I am usually in two sweaters, with a warm cover, in a heated room, wearing a scarf on top of all that! But every time I would try to wear any warm clothing, or put a warm cover on, I would get upset, uncomfortable, frustrated, restless and dizzy; I could only relax while in the cold.

I also lost the sense to tell the temperature; I can't tell at any point anymore if my body is warm or not, I struggle to tell if the air in the room is warm or cold, I can tell that my toes and fingers are kinda cold but I don't mind it anymore. It's now been several weeks of this and I'm still only able to be in light clothing in a cold room. If I even get into a warm shower I get all uncomfortable and dizzy, my blood pressure is immediately bad. But as long as I am in the cold, my blood pressure seems fine.

Possibly related to this, my neutral body temperature is 35,5 celsius, it used to be 36,6 when I was young but about 10 years ago it defaulted to 35,5, and if it goes any higher I am in a fever. I've not been sick or feverish though, I can't really tell what my temperature is now because I do not own a themometer, I've just been checking my forehead and it's normal. So I have a few theories about what is going on!

1. I'm turning into a vampire. My body craves the cold because my blood is trying to reach the temperature of zero as well.

2. I'm turning into a werewolf. I'm too hot because I'm secretly growing fur all over my body and any kind of clothing or covers will soon be unecessary

3. I've pissed off a witch and she threw a curse at me, saying something like 'you'll not be warm this winter' and now this is where we are

4. Cold never bothered me anyway. I'm developing my new ice powers and temperatures over zero would melt me.

Has anyone else heard of this kind of thing? My friend told me I must be menopausal but I don't get any flashes, I just can't stand any warmth!