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nabi-unveiled · 13 days ago

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Catching Up: Love for Love's Sake (Ep 4)

Other Reacts: Ep 1 Ep 2 Ep 3

Yes, it's 3:15 in the morning. Yes, I have to work tomorrow. No, I can't even sleep in because I have to interview a potential intern at 9 am. Plus, the kids will be home with me too since it's a school holiday. I don't care. I'm starting episode 4 anyways.

And yay! We've went back to the fight. I was hoping we would find out more about what happened.

Is this a new way for them to do the subtitle for "debuff/curse". I guess that's fine so that people who don't understand gaming get it. It feels a little late in the game for that though. Still, I loved this screenshot, because you can see the transition that's a bit gamified. And the purple aura energy is showing up on Yeowoon's arm.

We didn't have any debuffs last episode so I guess the debuff really does relate to affection of Myungha and not Yeowoon's personal affection. Fine. I'll exit my clown car theory about the debuffs....for now. Outside of my clown car, it makes sense that the debuff would show up now since Myungha's affection level just plummeted.

Myungha absorbs the debuff. Yeowoon is left in shock. He definitely is feeling rejected/slighted at this point.

Myungha is dragging Sangwon through the halls. Sangwon says "I'm not a kid." I'd be careful Sangwon. That line of thinking means he can hit you. I know Myungha knows how to fight, but I do wonder more and more every episode about "why" he fought. I'm already developing a lot of head canons on that score. Maybe we'll find out eventually though.

He's not going to hit him (not that I thought he ACTUALLY would anyways), because we now have a ringing sound. I'm guessing the debuff is having an effect. He absorbed all the bad purple energy, and it was STRONG this time base on his -99. Was the -99 in red last episode? If not, it should've been. Sorry, random thought.

Myungha falls down the stairs.

I've given up on the episode names being strictly related to missions. The gamer in me though is going to retranslate this as "progress". That feels better in gamification terms. Especially if it's talking about progress in the mission quest. I obviously have no clue whether that is right. Wait. Unless they're talking about aspects of the game being "in development" like new code/levels being written or the story being redeveloped/changed. Hmm. That actually feels likely. We'll stick with development.

KYUNGHOON! You're back. I missed you so much. I'm guessing they're having to skip class to go to the competition. Apparently, Myungha has hurt his leg. Kyunghoon struggles to get over the wall. Based on how Myungha hopped the wall, I'm guessing it's the right leg that's hurt. But Myungha's leg obviously wasn't THAT badly hurt. It didn't look like he tried to favor one leg more in the landing. Guess that could depend on the type of injury though. My perspective is probably skewed. I've dislocated kneecaps more times than I wish to recount. I definitely wouldn't have made it over the wall shortly after one of those times. My personality is such though that I'd have doubled down and probably hurt myself more while trying. Lol.

Sangwon is waiting on the other side of the wall. I loved his "hi". Kyunghoon asks if he was waiting. Myungha says it's a "disease". It works, but I wonder if there is a different translation of that word. They've used it several times. It was also used in a very similar way during Secret Relationships ("being nosy is a disease").

Sangwon says he was just late to school. It's coincidence that they met up. I love that he's somewhat "talking back" to Myungha. But I also have a very sarcastic/roast style sense of humor. These types of exchanges always make my day. I wish I had more of that energy in my life.

Kyunghoon asks about the shoes, and Sangwon realizes that he had made a mistake. I didn't mention it last episode as the post was already getting really long. But my guess is that Sangwon was upset about the shoes, because he thought that his mom gave them to Yeowoon. His mom had just been to the school after all, and it appears like they have a complicated relationship. I'm guessing there's a lack of affection there too based on Sangwon's reactions to Myungha's signs of care. This is all conjecture on my part. The show isn't really SAYING any of this at the moment.

But now he knows the shoes weren't from his mom. It's okay Sangwon. I made several bad calls in the last episode too. Sangwon decides to follow.

And just like that, we have a gaming party embarking on a quest.

Our trio notices that Yeowoon is standing instead of taking his place on the blocks. Is he wearing the blue shoes? It looks like it. Myungha is still outside of the love supremacy zone, but he yells Yeowoon's name. I'm taking note that his number is 251 just in case it pops back up at some point. I loved the sound effect as the camera circled around and Yeowoon realized his name was being called.

Yeowoon is recalculating his affection, and the number starts moving up fast. Lol. This feels very much like love indeed. Highs and lows and emotional turbulence. Some might say that's the fickle nature of teenage affection. I'd say that doesn't ever really change. But maybe that's just the nature of my personal relationship talking. Maybe it'd help if we had affection scores above our head so we'd both know when we screwed up. On second thought, I don't think I'd want to know my score. That feels like a recipe for disaster.

Yeowoon takes his place at the blocks with magic sparkles coming off of his blue shoes. The affection level keeps rising.

If this wasn't a "game", the new shoes would be disastrous in a competition. But as I've thought about it, I actually like that this feels like an equipment upgrade in a game. Higher tier equipment immediately leads to better outcomes in a game assuming you have the skills to use it.

The music reminds me of late 90s/early 2000s movies. I kind of love it since we're panning across Sangwon and Kyunghoon's faces, and it feels like a friend montage moment out of one of those types of "high school" movies. Ah nostalgia.

Affection level is back at 0. The subtitles say Yeowoon is second, but I'm guessing he's actually third. They announced two other names before him.

Yep, he's third place based on the next part of the dialogue. Myungha says he did well. Yeowoon is crying, but Myungha definitely doesn't understand the reason. Yeowoon is trying to figure out why Myungha is nice to him.

Poor boy is definitely dealing with romantic feelings now. I'm loving the romance driven emotional angst of it all. This is my cup of tea.

The coach interrupts. Yeowoon is still emotional, but Myungha says he'll wait. They can eat together afterwards. Yes, please do. I'm always going to be down for a shared meal.

Yay! Our whole crew is EATING together! And Yeowoon is smiling.

Yeowoon tells Myungha to eat too and gives him food. OMG - our affection level has crossed the zero threshold. We're now at 5. And it keeps climbing as he keeps giving Myungha food. Lol. Kyunghoon tells Myungha to eat slowly and Sangwon's face is priceless! He seems absolutely disgusted by Yeowoon's actions. We end on an affection level of 17 for now.

Sangwon and Yeowoon are bickering. I love it. so. much. Frenemy relationships are the best. I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops moving forward.

For those that like talks about linguistics, they said a bit about honorifics too. If I followed it correctly, Sangwon used more casual speech with Myungha and Yeowoon didn't like it. I could be mistaken though. Myungha really is the exasperated parent here. Lol. Cutie Kyunghoon helps Myungha out. He is worried that Yeowoon's feet might hurt since he ran with new shoes.

Yeowoon says he's fine, but he asks what happened to Myungha's leg.

🤣 This pout had me dying. For the game aspect, it really is like now that his "affection level" has went up, it's unlocked all kinds of new dialogue/expression options.

I wonder if Myungha realizes that his leg getting hurt was due to the purple energy. He's a smart cookie. I bet he's figured that out.

This whole scene just put me in a good mood.

Yeowoon offers to help "hold" Myungha. I'm betting there's a better translation of that. Kyunghoon used the term earlier too. I bet it has to do with letting Myungha lean on him or something like that rather than "hold" as I typically interpret. Myungha says he fine.

Yeowoon wants Myungha to rely on him too. This is a tricky situation. Yeowoon wants them to be EQUALS, but Myungha is definitely going to struggle with that. Myungha has taken on a caretaker role, and while those things aren't mutually exclusive, it can make things complex.

Yeowoon asks how Myungha knows his (shoe) size. Myungha says he let the fan (sis) pick it out, and that she wants to meet Yeowoon. Yeowoon doesn't seem happy about Myungha hanging out with her often, but he agrees to meet up with Si-a.

Yeowoon has essentially walked Myungha home. He tells him thank you which Myungha teases him about. But he says it again and leaves.

The entry light starts flickering and there are some jarring sounds. Ominous music plays, and Myungha's head is hurting.

OOOOOOH. It WAS development like "game in development". Exciting.

We're back at the bar from episode 1. Senior is asking Myungha questions.

I first noticed the three butterflies in the corner of the paper. It shouldn't be a surprise given my blog name that I'm likely to notice butterflies. They're a symbol of transformation and personal growth. Actually, they have different stages of development just like a game. A butterfly's development requires they insulate themselves from the world and focus on changing themselves before they can emerge in their final form. I don't know whether that has anything to do with this show or not though.

But these questions are interesting. Yes, I used my phone to translate. Though it kept giving slightly different translations depending on the angle I held it, I think I got the gist of it. One of the things says "like minded friends" which was what the quest said in episode 2. If I remember correctly, that was in Myungha's hand writing. So is senior having Myung-ha essentially write the game levels? I had said in an earlier episode that this was really a quest for Myungha's own happiness as well.

It WAS his writing. I love this shot. It feels like a magic dungeon with the candles and lighting. The shape of the glass is nice. I think it's a glencairn whiskey glass. Actually no. The base is wrong. It doesn't matter. The glass itself is probably not symbolic. I just find certain types of glassware pretty. As a fun side note, I used to drink everything (soda, milk, etc.) out of a red wine glass that I got while dumpster diving in college. I loved that beautiful glass. My roommate eventually broke it "on accident", but said it was "probably for the best" so that people didn't think I was drinking alcohol. Fun times ��.

It's late/early. I'm rambling. *Focus brain*

Senior is in white as the "heavenly" being with the power. Am I supposed to trust him? I don't. But it feels like he's God/angel coded.

"Will there be happiness to 29 year old Tae Myungha?"

"So the standard is very important." says Senior.

Myungha doesn't hear him clearly, and we can't hear his next line clearly either. He's muffled as if he's under water. It's the same sound as when he first entered the game world.

This feels important, and it feels mistranslated. Or at least like it was translated without the needed nuance. I need to pause anyways. I'm tired enough that I know I'll miss details if I keep going tonight.

(pause)

Ok. I've slept a few hours and hung out with the kids for a bit. I've mulled it over. I'm guessing that senior is really meaning that Myungha needs to be very careful about what goals/words he's using. Happy is a pretty vague term. I actually walked down the aisle to a song called "Different Kinds of Happy" from the movie Sweet Land. The idea/theme in that movie is that happiness can take different forms and mean different things to different people. In a game, if you don't have a clearly defined objective, then it's going to be difficult to meet it. So what does Myungha actually mean by "happy"?

But Myungha "can't hear" what senior is telling him. Myungha, and us by extension, are missing a critical piece of information. I'm guessing it has to do with the standard/clearer objective or that it's a warning of some kind.

We're back in the video game world. Myungha is looking at his notes.

AND OMG - YES! HOORAY! A time jump/alternate world that GETS how problematic it is for a 29 year old to be suddenly back in high school. The dialogue is clearly establishing that he IS 19 in this world. It's how I had resolved it mentally myself in episode 2. I love it when my head canons become actual canon.

Anyways, it's a good question. What CAN he do? Because "making someone happy" on a identity level scale really isn't easy. I would argue that it's not actually possible. That they have to strive for their own happiness as they accept themselves. It's not just circumstances that's driving Yeowoon's mental disdain for himself. New shoes are great, but they're not a long term solution. When you're dealing with suicidal ideation the other person has to "want" to live. A lot of times they don't even realize it until the moment. Yeah, it wasn't my grandfather's first attempt before he succeeded. My brother's neither. So far my brother has always decided he wanted to live and sought help in time.

I love that Myungha is being smart about this. He goes "What does he WANT me to do?" If you're playing a game, that's an important question. It's anticipating the game maker's design. I am noticing that the butterfly is on the journal paper here. But it's only one this time, and it's in the top right corner instead of the bottom corner.

Now THAT'S interesting. He doesn't remember "senior". There are a lot of fun implications in this development, but I'll have to stop for now. It looks like my husband has got off of work early today. It's a national holiday. I should've expected it. This will have to wait until after everyone is asleep tonight. I didn't get very far in this session, but it's fine. I really should've been working/writing anyways. I have five scripts due in the next two weeks.

(pause)

Well...the emoji tag game happened, and I got a wee bit carried away with it. I loved it so much. But then my brain was broke so it's taken a few days to get back here.

The fact that Myungha doesn't remember "senior" from his real life is a cool detail. I had said I thought it was in odd in episode 1 that he wasn't weirded out by the situation. It could mean that ONLY senior is obscured. Or it could mean that the facts of his "future" will slowly disappear as he creates a new story leaving him only with the 19 year old version of Myungha. There are a few other possibilities too, but I'll go with those two for now. I actually like the latter one in some ways. I don't remember if he recalled senior once he entered the video game during episode 1. That would provide evidence for which possible interpretations to keep moving forward. I might have to go back and check that out.

Regardless, we know this memory was jarring. The question is what triggered the memory.

We're down to 288 days left to complete our mission so a good bit of time has passed, and we're reminded that death is the penalty. We still don't know whose death we're talking about though.

We cut to Kyunghoon and Myungha walking down the hall together. Myungha is complaining that the teacher treats him like a thug. Kyunghoon proposes that they go to college together, drink together and have fun together in the future. I love the video game sound effects in the music/soundtrack.

OH! Random thought. I wonder if those sound effects show up at critical/specific moments. Is this like the rain drops in When It Rains or just a fun part of the soundtrack? Sound analysis is tricky for me, but it can add a lot to a show. And I LOVE it when sound is used symbolically. That would require an entire rewatch though as I'd have to focus just on the sound. I'll try to make note of it moving forward though to see if I can find a pattern. I can't promise I'll catch it every time though.

Hold up. We HAVE had a sound. The freaking water. I said before that it sounded like water when Myungha is shifting between worlds. That's definitely a specific sound at critical moments. Is that significant? Is it even water? Stop brain. You know your hearing can't be trusted. Move on.

Myungha is obviously uncomfortable here. Probably because he knows that he doesn't have that kind of time. He was just reminded of the countdown. It could also be because he didn't have that kind of life in the past. I don't know if he has those resources in the current videogame timeline either. Money isn't an obstacle for Kyunghoon. But it will be for Myungha and Yeowoon. But I figure it's that he feels like he's lying to Kyunghoon by agreeing to a future that may not exist. Yeowoon has already called him a liar after all.

Ah, the bullies are circling for blood. Frizzy blond guy asks Myungha if he's gay and is obviously intimidating Kyunghoon. Myungha says "I'm gay. So what." That's the confidence of someone who is very comfortable with themselves. I wonder if he was always that way, or if this is a manifestation of him already working through that part of his identity in the "real world".

Cutie Kyunghoon steps in between to protect Myungha 🙌🙌🙌. This is VERY important. Why? Because it's a dynamic shift. Myungha is collecting people in his life that care about him too and who will stand up for him even if it's risky. He's gathering "like minded friends" as well.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Myungha kisses the bully.

Should I be laughing? Probably not. This is a forced kiss. But AM I laughing? 100% yes. And all of the bully gang not knowing how to respond is epic.

Blond guy is rightfully angry, and Myungha just scolds him for swearing. What I love about this interaction is that it quickly and decidedly shifted who was the "victim" in this interaction.

Blond guy - Tak ...Joonho? It'll eventually stick with me. Anyways, he punches Myungha and we see Myungha deftly assert his dominance. He threatens to kiss him again.

This is the second interaction where Myungha has really shown this guy to be pretty pathetic. As he seems to be a leader in this "gang", he's probably not going to react to this well. He wouldn't be able to keep power over his bully gang if he ignored things like this. I'd expect backlash soon. He'll either take it out on his own members or start targeting people Myungha cares about (Yeowoon, Kyunghoon). Potentially both. If he comes after Myungha himself, it will be sneaky style. He can't (or shouldn't) risk another direct confrontation like this one. He's already lost twice.

Teacher intervenes. Apparently Myungha has got some type of cleaning duty punishment.

Yeowoon is on the other side of the window being cleaned. I'm trying to figure out if Yeowoon had heard about the fight or he just noticed Myungha's busted lip. Either way, his expressions here are KILLING me. They are so earnest and so different than what we had in previous episodes. The rise in affection level has definitely had an impact.

Myungha tries to brush it off, but Yeowoon won't let him. "Who hit you?" Myungha tells him he doesn't need to know.

Yeowoon gets very serious. Just like that earlier interaction with Kyunghoon, this is actually very important. Yeowoon is asking to be seen as an equal. As someone that Myungha can rely on. He's asking Myungha to trust him. Ooh interesting. Yeowoon dropped honorifics.

Yeowoon drags Myungha to the nurse's office. It's a reverse of care. Yeowoon taking care of Myungha. I mean, technically Yeowoon had intervened before. However, this is DIRECT care. Yeowoon asks if he's really not going to tell him. Myungha responds "What would you do if you knew?". Yeowoon - "I'll kill him". 🥹 Yes, I'm taking the threat as a squee worthy moment. There was no hesitation. Just a direct assertion of "you matter to me that much".

Myungha rubs his head.

I'm going to have to think about this one. Why is this man's physical affection so hard for me to interpret? This feels like a parent/child interaction to me. Which...is possible. Is he in guardian mode? Trying to calm Yeowoon down while acknowledging that he's grateful for Yeowoon caring about him? Or do other people see this as just a friendly interaction? Because things would not end well if my friend rubbed my head and used that tone with me. I'd see it as condescending for sure. But cultural differences could be in play here. I'm going with guardian mode.

Myungha says that rather than hit, it's more like we kissed. And Yeowoon's reaction is amazing.

Myungha is flustered by Yeowoon's reaction. Yeowoon has to be cycling through all kinds of feelings. One - this gives him hope. Two - Myungha was kissing someone besides him.

So many thoughts running through this boy's mind.

He says he should ask Tak Joonho. That means he DOES know who was involved, but he wanted Myungha to confide in him on his own. "Can men kiss too?" "I want to kiss him" while staring at Myungha's lips and putting on the ointment. Baby boy is down bad.

We cut to Sangwon coming towards the bully gang. There's the "hi" again. Love it. But it does feel like he's out of the loop. It feels more like he's invading their space. @dropthedemiurge I see what you meant now. He's not part of the hierarchy of this group. The uniforms vs. plain shirt is visually depicting that as well. That does make me have some questions about the earlier rooftop scene, but I'll hold them for now.

Did he come because he had heard about the fight? Or is this just part of his routine? He does seem to do whatever he wants. Case in point - he didn't come to class just because he didn't want to. Skipping seems to be a regular occurrence for him.

Tak Joonho says that he's going to teach Myungha/Kyunghoon a lesson. Sangwon is trying to put the pieces together. I do find it odd that Joonho is openly admitting that Myungha kissed him. I would've expected him to threaten the others and keep that quiet. Unless he's expecting Sangwon to commiserate with him and understand.

Not happening though. Sangwon is clearly on Myungha's side in this one. I figure he knows Tak Joonho enough to know he instigated whatever happened. The chuckling of the other students as Sangwon pushes back has got to raise Joonho's ire.

Tak Joonho thinks Sangwon is teasing him, but he's actually angry.

I'm rewording this line a little bit in my head to fit better with that sassy head tilt that just made me so happy. In some ways, it's a lot like Myungha earlier. "Yes. I am. What are you going to do about it?" It's a statement and a challenge.

Unlike Myungha, Sangwon does punch Joonho and IMMEDIATELY puts his hands back in his pockets. LMAO. That's a dominance signal right there. He knows Joonho isn't going to immediately punch back. He doesn't see him as a threat.

Joonho says he's holding back because he's rich. Sure you are. Keep telling yourself that. Kyunghoon seems to be pretty rich too, and you tease him just fine.

Note - I do realize that they've said that Sangwon can get away with everything due to his family. I'm sure it does play some role. But it's not everything. Sangwon is exuding dominance in this situation. He's even leaning in a mock little bow and saying "thank you" in a snarky tone. God, I love him and his self-confidence. He has grown on me so much, and I'm only halfway through this show.

Joonho asks if he can't see that he's outnumbered.

Sangwon (in other words): Bring it.

I'm sorry. I've tried to ignore that hideous wall color this entire show, but now we've added what has to be one of the ugliest arrangements known to mankind in front of it. I'm sure there are people who like that kind of thing, but it just makes me wonder why someone thought a feather duster was appealing. Normally I would be trying to figure out if the red meant something, but I just can't. It's an eyesore.

Is Si-a considered part of our gaming party now. I'm not sure. 🤔 They're collectively worrying about Sangwon though.

Si-a asks if Myungha wants to be a model for Swoony (the brand). The pay is better after all. Pay is always an enticing thing.

Myungha tells Si-a to buy him dinner. I'm confused. Why does he want Si-a to buy him dinner? 🤔 Myungha doesn't do things without a purpose. What's the catch?

LMAO. It's because Yeowoon is here. He's giving her the fangirl moment. Yes, she better buy the meal. A good one too.

Wait. Her name has an "h" sound? The subtitles now say "Shi-a". Did I miss that before? No. I'm pretty sure that's a change in subtitles.

Yeowoon looks ticked. My guess is that he thought he was going to get to eat with Myungha alone. He wouldn't be reacting like this if he had known it'd be a fangirl moment. Yeowoon is being very terse. Yes, he seems to be a more introverted, private person. But this is what you do when you're thrown for a loop. Myungha, you really need to give us introverts a heads up for these types of situations. Especially true if you gave us false expectations and now expect us to socialize with someone we are not comfortable around.

I'm still bitter over there being no food at the company meal that I drove two hours to yesterday. Don't promise me food and then give me a non-alcoholic beer instead. Shared meals are sacred. Oh...it's probably this kind of stuff that prompted the anon's "what's with you and food" question the other day. I get it now. Sorry anon. I didn't understand what you were asking.

I'm squirreling. None of that's really relevant. Yeowoon is just upset because he expected alone time with Myungha (pretty sure on that one), and he isn't getting it.

This conversation is awkward. Si-a signals Myungha to please help. Myungha asks Yeowoon if he has any questions. "Are you two close?" I've said all along that I love how direct Yeowoon is with Myungha. If he has questions, he is going to ask them. It's admirable, but lol. He's not looking at Si-a at all. Yeowoon is grilling Myungha.

Myungha responds playfully and tries to direct the conversation back to Si-a. I actually see that as a way of trying to include her in the conversation. He was trying to create a fan moment for her after all. Si-a says they're just colleagues which Yeowoon smiles about. But then Myungha protests that designation.

Yeowoon didn't like that at all. 🤣 "Are you closer to her than you are to me?" I love that Si-a can see this is important to Yeowoon. She's giving Myungha this look that's like "You idiot. Don't you dare make my blorbo upset!"

Myungha says "I only have Yeowoon in my heart" which makes Yeowoon beam. Si-a takes the opportunity to ask for an autograph. Si-a, I know I struggled with you in earlier episodes. I'm sorry. I can respect your non-toxic, supportive fangirl side.

"What do you think of when you run?" "I imagine there's a big crocodile chasing me." Well...that would be motivation I guess. I never imagined what was behind me when I ran. I was always focused on the finish line. Different things for different people I guess.

Ok Yeowoon. Let's not manifest that energy. There are too many trucks of doom in dramaland. And I've had two of my family members hit by vehicles. They survived, but they still have side effects. My brother got hit by a car while he was INSIDE a building.

Anyways, Yeowoon is saying that the vision has changed. He now imagines that someone is waiting for him at the finish line.

Sweet. I wish I knew what his personal affection was at this point though. We're seeing the impact of Myungha's affection level changing in his mannerisms and dialogue, but has it impacted how he sees himself?

Si-a says that's romantic, and Myungha breaks eye contact and visibly shifts. Lol. He felt that one.

We cut to them walking home. Yeowoon tries to ask Myungha about Joonho again, but Myungha says that Yeowoon isn't allowed to say kiss.

We got confirmation that Yeowoon thought it was going to be the two of them. Myungha chastises him a bit saying he needs friends. That's really not the point Myungha.

Yeowoon said that he's annoyed. Myungha says "he's been rude lately". Did he drop honorifics?

Yeowoon says "I want to go play with you". My kinky brain takes that line a completely different way that intended. But he's asking him out really. I LOVE this frame. There's a blinding light of love, but it's mostly over Yeowoon. Yeowoon knows he wants to kiss Myungha. He knows he wants to spend time with Myungha 1-1. Myungha still hasn't come to that realization yet.

It's an amusement park near the sea. Myungha seems hesitant, but he says yes. Wasn't Myungha's mom near the sea? I wonder if that's part of his hesitation. Yeah, there's definitely something there. This means something more to Myungha for some reason. But he's agreeing anyway.

Well hello. 👀 She's pretty. She was hidden initially in the frame, but they've now exposed her as she's asking Si-a for help. Who is she? Is this the person returned from abroad that Kyunghoon mentioned?

We're now in a dream sequence. 100%. "Do it with me too. The kiss."

Based on the game interface, this is Myungha's dream. Fun. Realization is coming. It's a bit of a kabedon moment with the tree. I'm enjoying it, because as confident as Myungha was when he kissed Joonho, he's not confident at all here. He's flustered.

Myungha wakes up.

Yeowoon has been sending him messages. Apparently he woke up early. If you get messages from me at 4 am, it means I haven't went to bed yet. Not unusual.

Myungha has a message from an unknown number. It's referencing children's day, mother's day, and teacher's day. Myungha isn't sure who it's from though. My immediate guess is his mom. But that doesn't make sense. He hasn't had contact with his mom since he was really little.

Is it the heavenly senior? We know information about the game comes to Myungha through his phone. "But no time for me to meet you." It's reminding me of the poem I wrote for my grandfather following his suicide. It wasn't about holidays/time, but about hiking trails. That was our thing. "But no trail that brings me to you." Crap. I'm crying again. This has been a week of tears in BL land. For the record, I cry very little in real life. But I bawl like a baby watching shows. It's cathartic in some ways. I can't analyze this properly. I'm going to read things into this that aren't there. I'm sure this will become a reoccurring event. I'll wait until the next message to figure it out.

Yeowoon came to pick Myungha up, and it looks like he paid for the bus fare for both of them. Cutie. Myungha may not realize it, but Yeowoon is definitely taking him on a date.

The mural next to the bus is of the sea. I could get a better angle this time. Phone keeps translating different based on angle, but it's better than last time. Something about sacred and beautiful love. Something about a lighthouse.

I love that Yeowoon quickly says "Look at the seagulls". There were birds on the mural too. Seagulls are a trip down memory lane for me. I got handed a bone during my oral qualification exams and asked what I could tell the professors about it. It was a seagull bone.

Seagulls have so many different symbolic meanings depending on culture. I know there are a few different takes in literature. There are also a lot of different meanings for them in Native American lore. Some positive, some negative. It depends on the tribe. A lot of it has to do with their ability to navigate in a storm and overcome obstacles if I remember correctly. There might have been something about the connection between physical and spiritual realms which would be interesting given the premise of this show. Like a bridge or messenger between the two. I don't know what they typically means in S. Korea though. I'll dive into that later.

Yeowoon says he should've brought shrimp chips. They're not my favorite, but my sous chef loves shrimp chips.

Oh. We're feeding them to the seagulls? I mean, they'll eat it. It's a fun experience for the human. It probably doesn't give them the nutrients they need.

Myungha asks if Yeowoon likes the sea. Yeowoon says he likes the mountains more. I love them both, but I live closer to the mountains. I've asked my kids this question before. One chose sea. One chose mountains. One chose "Wherever Uncle Zach is". Yeah, I'm not the only one who thinks my brother is awesome.

They're planning to climb mountains. Yeowoon wants to climb "Kongryung". Based on Myungha's reaction, that must be a hard climb. Based on Yeowoon's reaction, I'm guessing it's a long one. "I'm happy to be with you." Myungha doesn't seem sure how to process that.

Yeowoon asks if Myungha has been here before.

This feels like a lie. It's going to be interesting if lying becomes a thing for Myungha. Well-intentioned lies. But lies nonetheless. It might not be a lie though. That's just my gut talking.

They're planning on going to a clam kal-guksu place. I enjoy noodle soups, but I've never had clams in any capacity. They're not very common here. I have dissected one and done an experiment on heart rate for a class though. Not important.

Apparently, Yeowoon doesn't like seafood. And Myungha slips up. He's using information from the manuscript. Yeowoon is rightfully perplexed and then amused that Myungha knows this about him.

"Sometimes it feels like you're someone that knows me."

Yeah, that's probably going to hurt when he realizes Myungha has known about him all along.

All of Yeowoon's little smiles are killing me this episode.

Yeowoon says he now understands why Myungha likes the sea. Did Myungha say he liked the sea? I don't remember that. 🤔 It could be in an earlier episode, or I could have overlooked it. If he likes the sea though - is that why we have a water sound? Yes, I'm still stuck there. My brain is still obsessing over a sound that probably isn't even what I think it is. I curse my brain sometimes.

Yeowoon says "I've come to like it too". Cut away to them sitting on the stairs in their coordinating blue/green shirts.

There is so much I could say about that closing frame, but I know that I'm out of images. Anyways, we're halfway up the stairs. We're building the relationship. We're sitting side by side. We're equal...in this moment at least. There's no railings on this part. It'd be easy to fall off the sides.

The blue/green combo I find interesting, because it's a shift. These two characters have worn a lot of black & white. What does the shift mean? Is it part of their relationship developing or the changing levels of affection?

Is this show even color coded? I'll have to think about that. Because Sangwon also wears a white undershirt. He's definitely not a "heavenly human" type. Wait...is Myungha the ONLY one wearing a different color undershirt as part of their uniform? Is he the only one in black? I guess that makes senses. He's from a "different" world after all. But why black? Actually, Yeowoon's running outfit was in black too when he had the -100 value. So Myungha isn't the only one in black. Nevermind. I was overthinking again.

This was a fun episode. I'm loving that Yeowoon is so open and direct with his feelings. Myungha isn't there yet, but he's beginning to react. Now I just need to convince my brain that it's 4 am and it needs to just let the water sound go. IS IT WATER?!?

Don't tell me. Because if it is water, that means it's important. And if it's not water, I'll eventually realize it wasn't important.

For now, I'll just distract my brain with a more pressing question - what happened to Sangwon?

#love for love's sake #live reaction #korean bl

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witchygagirlwrites · 5 months ago

Text

Back to You-Pt. 3/3

Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz X Reader

Just when you're finding your way back to Mouse his behavior starts to change. He's coming in late, his lunch hours are extending and he's missed a few days of work. Is he struggling with being home? Is his inner demons flaring their heads up again? Are you going to lose him before ever getting him fully back?

Warnings: cursing, fluffy smut?

Your phone chimed as you followed Adam up the steps to his C.I's house. He cut his eyes over at you, raising one eyebrow. You knew that look and knew you were getting questioned the moment the job at hand was finished.

You were dancing your way back towards being more with Mouse but your hesitations were growing more because in the last couple weeks he'd started being late, taking long lunches and sometimes not even coming in here and there a couple times. You didn't want to point it out to Adam because he'd just got back on board with the idea of you and Mouse working back towards being something. His protective streak towards you would prevent any logic from entering the conversation.

You'd asked Jay that morning about it. You knew if anyone had answers he would. Of course he'd side stepped your questions. You'd expected that because if something was up with you and you didn't want Mouse to know Adam would of course hide it from Jay. You'd done the next best thing, went to Erin. You were worried. You knew Mouse, a little too well.

The way he was acting reminded you too much of when he was Jay's C.I or the weeks when you trailed behind Jay when he was helping him to get clean and when he'd first gotten hired at CPD. When addiction, ptsd or both had him wrapped up so tight he couldn't see which way was up. You couldn't give your heart back over fully to him just to lose him again.

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You stood next to Adam, listening to Erik tell him what he knew about the string of home break-ins intelligence was investigating. He'd give him a few decent leads from the sound of it so Adam slipped him a handful of twenties and thanked him so you shot him a smile "Thanks Erik" he nodded at you "Yes ma'am" he was always sweet to you, even once offered you his jacket when you'd forgotten yours at the office.

You were halfway back to the precinct when Adam broke the silence in your jeep "You good?" you didn't take your eyes off the road when you answered "five by five Ruz. Why?" he shrugged "I dunno. I mean job wise you're aces but you seem...something is bothering you" you schooled your features as best as you could because damn Adam Ruzek since the day he'd joined intelligence and Al pointed him towards your desk with a smile and told you "Congrats sweetheart. You've got your very own rookie" he'd made it his mission to be your best friend and know you better than damn near anyone and he'd succeeded thus far.

You shrugged one shoulder "The violence on this case is escalating. I just want to catch them before someone gets killed" "Huh?" he scoffed and you cut your eyes at him when you were forced to stop at a red light "What?" he shook his head "You have never lied to me. Even the times I've wanted you to. I know intimate shit about Severide and Mouse, shit I wish I could bleach my brain over so tell me what is so bad you're lying to me over?"

You started driving again before you finally spoke "Promise you won't freak?" he turned as far as his seatbelt would allow him so he could face you "Am I gonna have to get Voight to help me get rid of somebody here?" a laugh broke free of you at that "No Ruz. I swear" he nodded "Then I promise" you took a deep breath then said "Mouse has been acting weird. Getting in late, taking long lunches and even missing a couple days"

You saw a few different emotions flash across his face, anger being the most prominent before he tightened his jaw "What are you thinking? He using again?" you shrugged "I have no idea. I asked Jay but that's like someone asking you why I'm off so instead I went to Erin" he nodded again "What'd she say?" you passed him your phone and waited for him to type in your security code and see the text which simply read Talk to him is the best advice I can give

He read it twice before letting out a breath. You could hear him typing on your phone and started to ask what it was but before you could he offered "I'm texting him as you. We have spare time when we get back to the precinct. You two go down to the tech room and talk. I'll cover" he handed your phone back and you glanced at the screen to see he'd texted Mouse Can we talk downstairs when I get back?

Before you could slip your phone into your pocket it chimed so you handed it to him so he could check the text. He turned the screen so you could read that Mouse had texted I'll be waiting

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You walked down the stairs leading to the tech room and wasn't surprised when Mouse met you at the door. The look in his eyes was nothing short of fear and from his hair sticking up in places you could tell he'd been running his fingers through the growing locks. "What's wrong?" you motioned into the tech room "Let's talk"

He followed behind you while you walked over to his desk and leaned back against it, letting just your backside rest against it so you could face him. He stood a couple feet from you watching you like he was genuinely afraid you'd disappear if he blinked "I'd ask if you're breaking up with me but you haven't even taken me back" he joked then a look of dread flashed across his face along with a glimmer of anger in his eyes, not at you but himself "Or you found someone else and you're trying to break it to me easy"

"Greg Gerwitz! Seriously? Like I'd not move on, not date or sleep with anyone else the entire time you're gone then decide to move on now that you're within touching distance?" you shook your head and he shrugged both shoulders "I don't know what I did" you looked down at your hands, suddenly very enthused with your nails "Um"

Within two steps he was in front of you, one hand gently cupping your chin to force your eyes up to his "No. You don't scare the life out of me then drop it. Now you want to talk sweetheart and I will talk to you about anything but I need to know what is wrong or do I gotta go to Adam?" you blinked quickly a few times then nodded "The coming in late, long lunches...missing days.." you trailed off and he dropped your chin "Oh you noticed that"

You let out a watery laugh "Yeah I noticed that. What is it? Are you leaving again? Is it your PTSD and you're back in therapy or are you using again?" you held his eyes despite how vulnerable you felt.

He nodded and walked closer until he was standing between your legs, face just a breath away from yours "No to any of that. For one I just bought a truck and signed a eighteen month lease and why would I leave when you're here?" for emphasis he placed one hand on your leg and squeezed gently "I told you I'm home for good and I mean it. I am in therapy regularly but not because my PTSD is as bad as it was before but because I don't want it to get as bad and I've come too far to fall back into getting high again I would check myself into rehab first"

Your heart was beating in your throat by that point. He was so damn close you could smell the sandalwood of that cologne you always loved and feel the heat coming off his body. The hand that was on your leg started rubbing small circles on your thigh as he spoke "I love you. I hope you know you know that's still very much true" he leaned down to reach into a drawer and wrapped his opposite hand around something "I had plans to ask you to dinner and make a big night out of this but I guess this is as good a way as any" you knew your confusion was plain up until he grabbed your hand and placed the gold badge into it.

You froze, eyes wide looking from the badge to him. "What?" he shrugged shyly. "The late mornings, long lunches and missed days. I had a few courses I needed to take and exams to finish up but I did it. I'm officially officer Gregory Gerwitz, tech expert of the intelligence unit" He put a hand on each of your legs, pulling you closer to the edge of the desk and to him but you trusted him to not let you hit the floor.

He leaned forward until his forehead was touching yours "I told you I am not leaving. I love you too much to let you slip through my fingers again." you cut your eyes up just far enough to be looking into those blue eyes you loved so damn much "You really mean it don't you?" he nodded with a smile pulling at his lips "I've been telling you"

You reached forward and your fingers found the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards you. The moment your lips met his, a light whimper escaped him before your fingers moved up to bury themselves in the hair at the base of his neck. That was like a switch was flipped, He took control of the kiss, one hand moving to cup the back of your head while the other hitched one of your legs up around his waist.

He groaned against your mouth before he slipped his tongue past your lips and when you parted them to allow him access he licked into your mouth causing your back to arch which effectively shoved your clothed crotch into his, the pressure causing a small gasp to leave you. He rolled his hips into yours and you felt him smile against your lips when you whimpered into his mouth.

When the need for oxygen pushed you apart he moved from your lips to kiss across your jaw then down your neck, when he bit that one spot right over your pulse your back arched and a low moan left you but you also remembered you were both at work, on an active case, he'd just gotten his badge and Voight had no problem giving his people hell despite how he protected you all from outsiders "Fuck...Mouse..Greg..we gotta stop"

He froze the moment you said so but left another gentle kiss on your lips before taking a deep breath "Yeah..we do" You picked up his badge from next to you where it'd gotten dropped "I am so proud of you" you handed it to him and he smiled "That means everything to me baby" he grimaced at calling you baby but you shook your head "It's fine. Um, about what just happened..."

He looked like you'd kicked him for a second before he forced a smile "We can forget it" you nodded slowly and reached out to smooth his hair down with your fingers "Or considering this case is busting our asses we work it and hopefully get a lead in the next day or so then Friday we do that dinner you were talking about" he blinked a few times as if he was trying to make sure he'd heard you right "Did you just ask me out?" The grin on his face made you want to pull him back to you. You slapped his chest lightly "Oh hush. Technically I agreed to go out with you"

He nodded then leaned in, catching your lips in a quick kiss before pulling away "Sounds good to me baby" you felt your entire body warm at him calling you baby. Before you could say anything your phone chimed. He stepped back to let you lean up far enough to dig it out of your hip pocket and your eyes widened when you read the text from Adam Voight is looking for Mouse! you looked back up at the man in question and pointed towards the door "Go! Hank is looking for you!" his eyes widened slightly but damn him he had to kiss you one more time before running out of the room to head back upstairs.

You sat there a few seconds to let your heart settle. Besides you going right up after him? Yeah that little vein on Hank's forehead would probably burst instead of just poke out like normal. You finally pushed yourself off the desk and fixed your clothes and hair before heading for the stairs. You met Adam on them and he raised an eyebrow "So?" you couldn't stop the smile if you tried "He's CPD Ruz. That's what he's been doing. He got his badge" he picked you up in a hug and you laughed from the weight being lifted off your shoulders that had been there since Mouse had come home waiting for the other foot to drop.

Adam froze with you in the air "Shit. I came to get you cause we gotta go! We got a lead" you looked down at the floor where your feet was dangling a few inches over it "Well I suggest putting me down first partner" he grinned then put you back down on the stairs "Let's get it"

The major break in the case came two days later. You'd run down two different crews, a total of eight people were brought in. Five of those eight had ended up having to be taken to med because they'd either a shot at one of you and taken fire in return or like the two idiots on the crew that thought it would be a good idea to try to corner you and Kim, cutting you off from everyone else for a hand to hand fight. The two of you had kicked their asses then that had gone swingingly for them when the rest of the unit arrived.

You stood outside of interrogation watching as Hank and Erin worked to try to get a name out the leader of one of the crews. You needed the man in charge, not his flunkies. You felt someone step up behind you right before Mouse's hand came to rest on your lower back "Your shoulder ok?" He spoke in a low voice. You and Kim had both gotten slammed onto the sides where you'd both previously taken shotgun blasts at one time or another so Voight had ordered you to get seen while at Med. Will had cleared you both and given you prescription strength ibuprofen with a warning to come back if any pain worsened.

You knew Adam was probably checking on Kim as well considering last you'd seen she was watching Kevin and Al interrogate the leader of the second crew. "I'm ok. Ibuprofen helped" you replied looking over your shoulder back at him before smiling "Besides I'm not the one with a broken jaw" he shrugged "He resisted" you rolled your eyes and turned back to the glass of the interrogation room "I can take care of myself" He leaned over far enough to place a quick kiss on your cheek "I know but that doesn't mean I can't help you take care of you"

His computer chimed and he grinned at you "Their phones may have just told us everything they won't" he kissed your cheek once more then walked over towards his desk and sat down. You watched as he started typing on two different keyboards and going between two screens. It seemed like hardly no time had passed before he looked up at you "Pull Voight. We got a name and location" "Seriously?" you asked and he gave you a look which clearly asked if you were doubting his skills. You grinned at him "I'll pull him"

You walked over to the door of the interrogation room and leaned your head in causing Hank, Erin and the guy they were interrogating to swivel their heads towards you. "What?" Hank asked rather bluntly but you were by far used to it. "We got something Sarge" he waved a hand so you cut your eyes towards the guy before shrugging "He didn't want the deal and now we don't need him. We know who his boss is and where" Hank looked back at the guy who stammered "I'll t-tell you the entire layout, his business and everything" Hank looked back at you and nodded "Get Mouse to keep a ping on his Boss. Let us know his every move. Go tell O. We move within the hour" "Yes sir"

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"Duck your head" you warned one of the bodyguards you had cuffed before putting him in the back of one of the patrols sitting around the premises of Christopher Williams. The break-ins intelligence had caught ran deeper than any of you had realized. Williams owned a security company.

He was selling codes to gangs then when his clients were burglarized he was blaming outdated equipment and upcharging them for new systems and if they didn't upgrade he'd hire an even worse crew to go in when they were home to rough them up in a grab for more money. He was shaking them down for protection basically. A fucking millionare preying on people to boost his company more because the further he drove up crime rate the more business he did and he was also running for governor of Illinois on the standing of cracking down on crime so he was helping himself on both standings. It sickened you.

You heard Al call your name so you looked up to see him talking to a couple detectives from major crime that had come in last minute to back intelligence. Normally you hated playing with others but detective Lopez and Jones were decent and on the same level as all of you so anytime intelligence and major crimes overlapped Voight would request them. You adjusted your vest down then walked over to the three of them. "Yeah O?" he nodded towards the main house "Is it just me or does the window of his front door look like a certain body part of a woman?"

You looked towards the closed front door and barked out a loud laugh when you saw what he meant. Sure enough the window of Williams' front door resembled a delicate feminine body part. "Christ, how did anyone ever take this man seriously?" Lopez shook her head "I have no idea" "And his policies were shit even before this" Jones added with a shrug of his shoulders. You nodded in agreement because that was true, Williams had no grasp of what Illinois or Chicago needed. He was just money hungry.

The front door of the house opened and Jay and Mouse walked out talking to two techs and you bit your cheek to not let a smile slip onto your face. He fit into this so perfectly, despite everything. "Let's wrap this up!" Voight's voice called out and you couldn't agree more. It was Friday night. You had a date.

Mouse parked his truck next to your jeep and suddenly found himself nervous. Why the hell was he nervous? The last week had been amazing. He'd gotten to kiss you again, feel you against him even if it was borderline innocent. You were even affectionate with him at work or as much as was appropriate. You were coming back to him. You were giving him another chance when he still couldn't wrap his head around you ever giving him the first one so why was he so damn nervous?

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before climbing out of his truck and heading for your door. He knocked twice, standing back to wait. When you opened the door his jaw dropped.

You were in a black dress that skimmed your mid thigh with high boots and your cropped leather jacket Erin had gotten you for your birthday years ago. Your hair was down loose and you looked fucking heavenly "Good lord" he muttered and you laughed "Is that a good thing?" he nodded, letting his eyes trail over your body shamelessly "Very good. You look amazing, I mean you always look amazing"

You smiled and trailed a hand down his chest "Don't look too bad yourself there Gerwitz" he watched your hand trailed down his chest until it came to rest on his belt then swallowed hard "If we don't leave now we may not ever make it to dinner" you looked up at him through your lashes and smiled almost shyly "Yeah and I'm hungry"

He nodded slowly and you pulled your hand away from him "Starving" he agreed, eyes finding their way to your cleavage even more when you purposely adjusted it to make it more prominent then smiled again "Let's go" he took your hand and shook his head with a laugh "You're trying to kill me. I know it for a fact now" you laughed lightly "Never" and let him lead you to his truck.

-------------

Dinner had gone amazing. The place Mouse had picked had wonderful food and was the type of place you two were actually able to talk throughout the meal. He told you about a few of the places he'd seen while he was overseas, some of the things he'd seen. You told him about some of the cases you'd worked while he was gone, some of the happenings around Chicago he'd missed. By the time the check was paid your heart felt like no distance had ever separated the two of you.

You were walking out to his truck, hand in hand when you stopped him by calling his name. He looked at you and you smiled slightly "When are you gonna let me see that full tattoo?" a smirk slipped onto his face "When do you want to see it?" you shrugged one shoulder "I mean, we're headed back to my place. You could always come in" he stepped closer to you, slipping both arms around your waist so you rested your hands against his chest so you could look up into his eyes "Baby, are you trying to get me half naked in your apartment?"

You bit your lip and looked off like you were deep in thought for a moment before making a so-so motion with your right hand "Half naked, all the way naked. You're a grown man I'm not gonna tell you the level of naked you can be" He raised an eyebrow "You are so weird at times" you grinned "And yet you came back halfway around the world just to win my heart again" he leaned closer to barely let his lips brush against yours before saying "I'd come back from anything to get back to you. Now let's get back to your place"

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"Greg!" you couldn't get your key in the door because he currently had his arms around your waist, holding you in place while his tongue and teeth worked the sensitive skin of your neck. Your knees were practically jello and your panties were ruined yet he'd barely touched you. Fuck just how much had your body missed him along with your heart? He kept one arm around your waist before taking the keys before your trembling hand and getting the lock on the first try.

You looked over your shoulder at him with a glare "Yeah it's easy when someone isn't hitting every damn spot they know you love" he grinned "I'd say I'm sorry but I promised a long time ago to not lie to you" you shook your head and stepped across your threshold. Mouse stepped in behind you, closing and locking the door. You looked back at him and nodded towards your bedroom "I'm gonna go take my boots off. Nothing has really moved so make yourself at home" "Yes ma'am" he replied with a small smile.

You put your boots and jacket in the closet then walked back into the living room to find Mouse had discarded his jacket and was sitting on your couch with one arm across the back of it watching your bedroom door because the moment you stepped out he straightened his posture causing you to laugh "Greg, calm down. It's not the first time you've been here" he nodded, eyes never leaving you as you walked over to the couch and stood just in front of him "If you're uncomfortable..." before you could get the sentence out he cut you off "Never. I just don't want to cross any lines and fuck up"

You shrugged one shoulder "What if I cross lines and fuck up?" the look in his eyes when he raised his face up to meet yours was damn near enough to make you come apart when he said "Baby lets get one thing clear. When it comes to you there is damn near no line with me you can't cross" you grinned before pushing him back against the couch "Then I can do this" before he could ask you climbed into his lap, effectively straddling him. His hands went to your hips, dragging them down across the growing bulge in his jeans, letting you feel how his body was already reacting to you "That's what you do to me"

"Kiss me?" you asked and he groaned lightly "I'll do anything you want as long as you look at me like that" you smiled as he tugged you roughly towards him. The last week the two of you had kissed quite a few times and while a couple had gotten a little heated none were like this. This was teeth and tongue crashing, desire built up inside both of you for years spilling over into each other needing an outlet and finally finding one.

You rolled your hips down against his and whimpered at the feeling of his clothed erection brushing up against your sensitive center through your soaked panties. He broke free from your lips, both of your chests heaving as if you'd ran a mile "Fuck. I missed you" you smiled "Show me" his hands found the way to the hem of your dress "Can I take this off? Please baby, I want to see you"

The thought of your new scars he hadn't seen yet flashed through your mind and he must have read your expression because his eyes softened "You know scars don't matter to me sweetheart. Later we can talk about it but for now I just want to make you feel good" you shifted to let him pull your dress up and over your head.

The moment you were down to just your black lace bra and panties he stilled his movements and sat staring at you. For one horrifying moment you worried the scars did bother him. You weren't exactly Frankenstein's monster but your body wasn't the same way it'd been the last time he'd explored it with his.

Any worry drained out of your mind when you looked in his eyes and saw nothing but love there "I never thought I'd get you back" he admitted, ducking his head down to leave a trail of soft kisses across your neck. You felt a twinge of guilt for how much you'd distrusted him, how much you'd made him prove himself without thinking how his heart had been hurt as well.

You gently tugged on the hair at the base of his neck, forcing him away from yours. He looked up at you with a confused expression "I do something wrong?" You shook your head before crashing your lips against his, trying to push everything you felt for him into the kiss.

You felt his grip on your hips tighten before the world shifted and next thing you knew your back was against the couch, his weight pushing you down into the cushions. When you broke away from the kiss he smiled breathlessly at you "I love you Greg" you whispered and saw his eyes widen slightly.

Mouse felt like his heart was going to slam right out of his chest as he stared down at you. The woman he loved, stripped down to a pair of lace panties and a barely there bra. Lips swollen from kissing him and nothing but love shining in your eyes and finally hearing those three little words out of you again. After a moment you laughed lightly "What?" He shook his head "That's the first time you've told me that since I left"

"Oh. It is, isn't it?" You whispered and he was afraid you'd back track before you pulled him back for another kiss and spoke against his lips "I love you"

When your fingers started to work at the buttons of the light blue shirt he'd worn your hands were trembling just a bit so his covered yours. He pulled back from your lips "Sweetheart, look at me"

When you did as he asked he smiled "You want it off?" You nodded so he leaned up so he could make quick work of the shirt then undershirt, tossing them both to the side.

You'd known he'd added extra muscle to his slim frame. Hugging him and being in his arms had told you that but you didn't realize quite how defined the solid lines of those muscles were. Your fingers traced from his stomach up to his shoulders, trailing over the flesh and noticing the small shiver he gave "You ok?" You asked and he swallowed hard then nodded "I'm perfect"

Your eyes were pulled to the tattoo gracing his left arm and your hands followed. The intricate design started just shy of where short sleeves fell and worked its way up his arm and back to his shoulder blade. Small details appeared to you the longer you looked, you could pick out things you knew about his life and pinpoint it within this tattoo. "I really wanna look at that more later" You whispered and he nodded "Yes ma'am" you cut your eyes up at him "But for now I think we were in the middle of something"

The smile he had was devilish "And what was that?" You playfully glared at him "Well if you're opposed to having sex with your girlfriend" you acted like you were going to squirm out from under him but once again you were surprised at just how fast he could move. He had your hands in one of his, pinned down above your head on the cushions and a crooked grin on his face before you knew it "Girlfriend huh?"

You could barely think let alone speak. From your current position you could feel how hard he was through his jeans and from the angle of him pinning your hands it'd put his chest directly in your line of view so you licked a strip across his collarbone enjoying the way he ground his hips down against yours from the action. "Yeah. Unless you've decided in the last twenty minutes you don't want me" his eyes darkened at your words "I'll show you just how much I want you" he stopped just shy of his lips touching yours "If I let you go are you gonna behave for me? Let me love you like I want to? The way I've been dreaming about?" your thighs tried to clench but his hips were firmly lodged between them, keeping them spread open for him.

You nodded slowly but he shook his head "No baby I think I want words for this" your eyes flicked up to where his hand still held both of yours then across his chest before landing on his eyes "I will behave and let you love me but for god's sake let me touch you" his eyes closed at your words and a low groan left him "Fuck, you're gonna kill me yet"

The moment he released your hands his lips devoured yours in a hungry kiss as your hands roamed across his back, feeling the muscles move under your fingertips. The noises falling from him were damn near enough to make you come on the spot. You'd always loved the fact that he didn't mind letting you know he enjoyed sex with you.

His right hand came up to wrap around your throat, not tight enough to hurt but just enough pressure there that your eyes fluttered shut and you moaned loudly into his mouth

"You always did love that" he muttered before moving his hand from your throat. You felt his hand ghost over your breast before moving lower. You broke away from his lips with a gasp when he made the first swipe over your clothed core. He pushed the material to the side, one long finger slipping into you.

You could feel yourself clenching down on him and he moved to kiss across your jaw then neck "Fuck you're soaked baby" he slipped another finger in, curling them up until he found that spot deep inside of you that had your nails biting into his back within a few swipes "Oh there she is"

He pushed himself up on his other hand and smiled down at you, blue eyes shining brightly "I wanna watch you fall apart. It's been so damn long" He twisted his wrist slightly and your vision went white as you felt the bubbling of your first orgasm wash over you. He continued to work you through it, prasing how beautiful you looked coming on his fingers and telling you how much he loved you and missed you.

Once your high started to fade you met his eyes once more and he grinned at you "I haven't lost my touch" he teased before pulling his fingers from your pussy and brought them to his lips, holding your gaze as he sucked them clean. "I think I need another taste" he groaned before looking down your body then back up to your eyes "That ok?"

You nodded "Very" he crawled up you to press an almost gentle kiss to your lips before kissing across your jaw then down your neck. When he got to the scars that started on your right collarbone you half expected him to hesitate, at least slightly but instead you felt his lips work across the marks, sucking and biting the flesh as if he meant to cover the wounds of you being injured with proof of him loving you.

You squirmed under the feeling of his mouth on your body and he laughed against your skin "Always impatient. Let me have a little fun with you first" his mouth moved down to your clothed chest as his hands slipped under you to free your body from your bra. The moment more flesh was exposed to him he greedily rolled one nipple into his mouth while his hand gave the other breast attention. Your fingers buried in his hair, tugging the locks in just the way you knew he'd respond to. "Fuck that feels so good. You always make me feel so damn good" you praised and could feel his body react to it.

He switched to the other breast to give it the same attention before moving further down your body. You leaned up slightly to watch him as he left a trail of open mouth kisses across your stomach before getting to your waist. He moved down to settle his shoulders between your legs to keep them open and looked up at you through his lashes. You'd never seen a more gorgeous sight. His blue eyes were so damn bright and the way he looked at you like you were the most precious thing on earth "Fuck I love you" he chuckled before gripping your panties to snatch them off your legs. He tossed them down to the floor then looked back up at you "Look at you, my girl. All mine"

You didn't get a chance to respond because he lowered his head to your center. The first lick was tentative like he was teasing but when you whimpered out his name he groaned like a man starved, finally offered a feast. He had spent so many nights in this same damn position and damn near as many dreaming about being in this position it didn't take him long before he had you a quivering mess under him. When he added two fingers along with his tongue working at your clit the building pleasure you'd felt burst and drove you under as your second orgasm washed over you. He greedily cleaned up and continued teasing you with his tongue until you pushed at his head "Too much..way too much"

He leaned back as far as he could on the couch and grinned up at you "Did you miss me?" you laughed weakly "In so many ways" then your face fell slightly "You're still wearing jeans" he shook his head "I can fix that. Don't worry" he stood up and quickly shoved his jeans and boxers off his hips along with his boots, kicking them all away from him.

You watched him undress and felt your pussy clench at the sight of his erection finally freed of its constraints. He was long and fairly thick and always felt fucking amazing. He grinned at you staring and lazily stroked a hand over his cock "Liking what you see?" "Loving it" you teased before curling your fingers at him. He smiled and crawled up your body, kissing and licking every inch of flesh he could along the way.

When he got to your lips he brushed a gentle kiss against them and you felt his cock resting against your inner thigh "Any condoms?" he asked and you shook your head "You were honest about not being with anyone?" he nodded "I'd have no reason to lie" "I just got my IUD replaced last year and I haven't been with anyone since you" you offered, pulling him into a kiss.

You felt his cock nudge at your entrance so you slipped a hand between you to ease him in and both of you let out a low groan as he slid into you. Your head fell back against the cushion and his fell forward to rest against your collarbone. "Holy fuck" he whispered and you couldn't offer more than a whimper, waiting for the initial stretch to pass before you tried to speak.

After a few moments of leaving wet kisses across your chest and neck he gave a tentative roll of his hips and when your reaction was to shift to spread your legs a little further and let him in a little deeper he moaned your name. One of his hands went to your hip, hitching your leg up over his.

He leaned up to be able to see your eyes and the look on his face was so damn gentle your heart flipped. He stayed looking into your eyes as he found a rhythm that had you hooking your legs around his waist, digging your nails into his back and begging him to not stop. His eyes fluttered shut when your walls clenched down around him "Are you coming again? Already?"

You laughed breathlessly "Says the man doing everything in his power to make me" his eyes opened again and he grinned mischievously "Can't blame me. If you could see how you look" he gave a hard thrust and your head fell back again as you moaned his name "And all those pretty sounds" he teased.

When one of his hands slipped between your bodies to rub tight circles on your clit you felt the orgasm that had been building slam into you, the previous two making it even more intense. Mouse let out a long moan of your name, the feeling of your walls tightening down on him enough to push him over that edge. He buried his face in your neck as he came, long and hard. His grip on your hips was damn near bruising but you could've cared less, your entire body felt fucking weightless in that moment.

His breaths were coming in hard pants as he left a few kisses across your chest "I love you so fuckin much" he whispered so you ran your fingers through his hair, pushing the sweaty locks back "I love you too. I'm sorry it took me time to trust you weren't leaving" he chuckled and leaned back to look down at you "I would've waited forever and a day to get back to you" you smiled and pulled him down to press a gentle kiss to his lips "We really need to shower once my legs start working" the look of pride on his face was a mixture of sexy as hell and simply fucking adorable in that moment.

After a shower (and round two in the shower) you were laid across the bed with Mouse trailing his fingers across the scars on your collarbone. "Did you really think that this would make me not want you?" you shrugged "My body isn't exactly the same as you left it" his nose wrinkled up at his words "Don't talk about yourself like that. Bodies change but who you are doesn't. I love you regardless" you leaned over to kiss his cheek "I know. I never should've doubted you" he smiled almost sadly "I don't know what I would've done if I would've got home and you had moved on"

You sat up and turned to face him "What?" he shrugged "You have been the front thought in my head since the moment I left. You helped fight for me before you barely knew me because Jay said I was a good guy then when I started getting clean you didn't treat me like a junkie. When I came to work the first time you were one of my first friends that weren't army or from days I'd rather forget. If you would've been with someone else I would've had to accept it because I knew I had to find a way to have you back in my life in whatever way you would have me"

You shook your head in shock "You're saying you would've let me move on and been ok with it just to be able to be in my life as a friend?" he nodded "I love you and when I say that I don't just mean sexually. You're it for me. It would crush me, don't get me wrong but a life without you crushed me even worse" you blinked a couple times to force back tears "I don't know if I'm worth loving that much" he sat up quickly, pulling you over into his lap.

One hand cupped the back of your head forcing you to look him in the eyes "You looked at a broken man riddled with PTSD, addiction and so much more and saw something under it all. You are Adam's best friend. Every member of our unit would die for you in a heartbeat because they know you'd do the same. You have such a strong heart and will fight with everything you have for those who need you. You are worth every amount of love you've ever convinced me I'm worth" tears started to slip down your face "I've made you jump through so many hoops since you'd been back and I didn't trust you"

He shook his head "No baby. You guarded your heart to protect it. I get it and I will never mind having to break those walls down for you. Come here" his lips found yours in a gentle kiss, moving slowly against each other. You returned the kiss, fingers trailing across his shoulders and down his back. You could feel him start to harden under you so you rolled your hips down against his pulling a slight hiss from him as he kissed you before he pulled back and raised an eyebrow "What are you wanting baby?" you rolled your hips again and his head fell back, exposing his neck so you used the opportunity to nip at a few places you knew he loved "I want you" the groan that fell from him was heavenly "I'm yours"

The next morning you woke up laying on your side with Mouse's frame wrapped tightly around you holding your back to his chest with an arm tucked around your waist. You started to just snuggle into the pillow and fall back asleep but before you could your phone started ringing. Mouse grumbled from behind you "Where is that damn thing?" you leaned up to look around and spotted it on the side table behind him "Behind you"

He stretched one hand out blindly and grabbed your phone before holding it out to you. You saw it was Adam so you swiped the screen to answer "Hey Ruz" Mouse's eyes snapped open at that and a broad grin split his face "Morning Adam" he called out and you laughed when Adam made a fake gagging sound "Oh jeez I didn't need that mental image along with the things I know. You two deviants get dressed and meet me at the diner down from my place. Kim is taking her sister and nephew to the zoo and I need your help with something"

You looked over your shoulder at Mouse who shrugged "I gotta go to my place and grab clothes" you nodded then told Adam "Two hours? Mouse needs to go to his place to get fresh clothes" "Didn't need to know that either but ok see you then" the line went dead and you felt the bed shaking behind you from Mouse's laughter.

When you rolled over to face him he nodded towards where you'd tossed the phone onto the side table "What all does he know about us?" you shrugged "I get chatty sometimes and forget that although he's my best friend he doesn't wanna know things Erin and Kim do. Plus he has been our designated driver for a couple girls' nights...." you trailed off and he simply laughed harder "Well am I getting a good report for last night?" you laughed and pulled him into for a kiss before saying "Top marks all across Gerwitz. Now lets go see whats so urgent Ruz needs us on a Saturday"

#greg gerwitz x reader #greg gerwitz drabble #greg “mouse” gerwitz x reader #greg mouse gerwitz x reader #chicago pd fanfiction #chicago pd fic #greggerwitz x reader

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sirfrogsworth · 1 year ago

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I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

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One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

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balkanradfem · 8 months ago

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Okay so I know I just hit you all with the controversial chestnut poll, but I have some new development in life that I want to complain about, and in order for me to complain about it, I need to give you the context.

I don't particularly want to give you the context. You're going to diagnose me with female socialization, and some of you will feel the urge to click the anonymous ask button and tell me off. Today I need you to fight that urge! I am feeling insecure, I am feeling lost, I'm not certain in my choices, I've acted without thinking, and got myself into a situation I can't control. So please don't be mean to me. I deserve to complain on the internet and not be called out, alright?

So this is the story of how I accidentally became a live-in caretaker for an injured, elderly woman. It's temporary! She'll get better, hopefully.

I worked for her occasionally, and she's always been kind to me. She would give me a little jar of jam sometimes, and I love little jars of jam, it's a way to win my heart. A few days ago, she called me in a panic, telling me she fell, and she needs my help. I came over, and found out she broke her arm in two places, and one of her rib is broken. She fell unconscious, after being dizzy all day, and fell on a big metal lantern, breaking it. She was now in so much pain she couldn't get up by herself, dress herself, or do any kind of household tasks. She went to the ER, got her arm wrapped up, and was trying to get a pain injection. I helped her get trough the day, and promised to come early next morning, to help her up from the bed.

Next day I found her in tears in her bed, unable to get up, desperate to go to the bathroom. It became clear she needed 24/7 assistance, and she asked me if I would move in until she got better. I said yes without thinking, because I was at this point, severely concerned, and wanted to do anything to help her out.

So this is all not so bad, right, I'm being normal, it's normal to offer help to an injured elderly woman who is nice, but there's a catch. She doesn't live alone. She lives with her older husband. Who is also disabled and can't help her at all. So in order to help her out.. I had to move into a place where a male lives. That is the worst part of this.

I'm still in the first few days of living like this, and my own life had to fall to the background. I can't go foraging for chestnuts every day, I can't go to my garden as much, I'm still going to work, just from her place. I'm overwhelmed and struggling to get used to the new situation. I'm not used to being around people at all, and now I'm forced to socialize almost all day. Caring for someone comes fairly natural! I'm already so in sync with her, she can just look in the certain direction and I know what she wants me to do. I've figured out where everything is in her kitchen, closet, and basement. She's pleased that I know how to do basic household tasks, and am willing to do it in her way. And she's nice, she's telling me things like 'thank you' and 'what would I do without you', which feels good. But I am very exhausted and sleep deprived, she wakes me up at 1am, and then 5am again, and I'm unable to fall back asleep in a room I lack familiarity with. I miss my room.

She and her husband said they were going to pay me, and in my natural ways, I said something like 'no you don't need to' which I feel like everyone will get mad at me for, but they did insist they would pay me anyway. I as usual lack the sense to care about money – someone's arm is broken, that's way more serious issue to me!

Alright so now to the part of the post I wanted to write, a fun poll where you guess, what has her awful husband done by this point :) go ahead and guess!

You have one day to guess! Which one of these scenarios happened in the first few days of his wife breaking three bones in her body. I'll tell you the correct option tomorrow!

#caring for and injured person #accidentally became live in nurse #i feel unqualified #and psychologically a bit shattered because my daily life changed so severely #i miss my lifeee #but this is not forever #it's going to be okay #i hope

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nekomacheercaptain · 7 months ago

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₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ Welcome to Cheer's Kinktober 2024! ₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

Hi!! I am so excited for this year’s Kinktober and hope I’ll be able to follow through! (This is pure self-indulgence, as you can see by the characters I've chosen lol) I hope you enjoy it as well! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Day 1 - October 1st

Voyeurism - Donquixote “Corazon” Rosinante x fem! plus sized reader

To recruit a new business partner with a curious kink, Doflamingo allows his brother to have you for the night. His brother that's been trying to get rid of you since he first laid eyes on you.

Day 2 - October 5th

Shower sex - Koganegawa Kanji x fem! reader

Koganegawa is a player loved by many, yet has never experienced the love of a groupie. Until you catch his eye.

Day 3 - X (postponed)

Lazy sex - Trafalgar Law x fem! reader

After meeting again on Zou, your relationship is different. On your journey to Wano, Law has to learn how to let you into his heart properly.

Day 4 - October X (postponed)

Body worship - Jean Kirstein x fem! reader

For all you know, it's your very last night alive together - and you make the best of that.

Day 5 - October 19th

Forced proximity - Roronoa Zoro x fem! reader

Zoro thought it would be fun to go on a hike in the snowy mountains, saying something about "needing firewood". You, for some reason, didn't question him when he took the lead?? Oh no... what are two people supposed to do to keep warm when they are lost in the cold?

Day 6 - X (postponed)

Cockwarming - Halsin x fem! reader

Terrible focus and a brain that never shuts the hell up can lead to... some frustration. Luckily Halsin is patient... but he also likes to tease ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Day 7 - X (postponed)

Praise kink - Reiner Braun x fem! plus sized reader

We all know how poor mental health can affect our bodies, so it's no shock Reiner, in particular, struggles. But as bad as he feels about his body not cooperating with him, it's important to have a partner that knows sex isn't just about penetration. In other words, Reiner learns what real intimacy is.

Day 8 - X (postponed)

Threesome - Kuroo Tetsurou x fem! reader x Bokuto Koutarou

Being sandwiched between them would be so amazing, so I had to write about it. That's it, that's the summary.

#kinktober 2024 #my work #sinful #masterlist #one piece #haikyuu!!#demon slayer #bnha #mha #bg3 #x reader #cheer’s kinktober 2024

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sorensolsikke · 7 months ago

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recently as i discovered that i am an alterhuman, i came to the realization that i have SO MANY SHIFTS, day by day. okay i admit, i knew that not everyone "feels like an animal", because if they did, it would be discussed a lot more. but knowing the term 'shifting' and 'otherkin' would have helped me like. not feeling like an outcast for so many years. i genuienly hope that the times when alterhumanity will be at least a wildly known - if not accepted - phenomenon are coming.

like how could i have known i am not the only one, when i was nine, threatened and bullied by my classmates, getting startled easily and feeling like some animal, long neck, eyes wide open, smells and vision getting neater. i thought i was broken, therefore worthy of the bullying, the beatings, the loneliness, because i was something less than a 'sophisticated human'.

after i've got hurt, i imagined/saw myself as a big blue firebreathing dragon, landing on the middle of the school's backyard, catching and scaring my bullies, roaring very very loud. afterwards, i felt bad, guilty, sinful for imagining that i hurt people like an animal.

while on car rides, i imagined a dragon looking like the real me running outside the car, jumping around obstacles, sometimes getting off. sometimes, i felt the wind on my face and under my wings and i felt the soil under my paws and the grass touching my sides. i thought i was getting obsessed and i am abnormal.

my phantom thorns and wings had weight, even when i was twelve. i was afraid i've been sensing that someone is watching me behind my back, the way the characters of books can sense it. when i realized i can feel the shape of the things i am sensing, i was shocked.

i've been disliking my body for so long, without knowing what's wrong with it. it wasn't at all about my genderfluidity, as i thought for years, no. i've been passing for both a girl and a boy since i was very very small. no, i hated how the muscles wrap around my arms and how my legs are formed and i couldn't raise my ankle high, like it is with dogs. i hated my teeth not being pointy enough and my skin not growing scales. i had so many phantom shifts through all my life that it made me self conscious. the understanding that i am a pretty human AND a miserable dragon came to me so late, that i had already been struggling with ed for years.

my point is. no matter if alterhumanity is formed by delusions, coping mechanisms or other psychological reasons. up until it ceases to be a taboo to talk about for a literal CHILD, my case can happen over and over. alterhuman communities are needed and are comforting and supportive for people with similar experience. i deeply hope we will get at least as known as furries, so to provide answers for people in need of it.

#i think that's all i wanted to say #otherkin #alterhuman #therian #nonhuman #therian community #dragonkin #soren's hoard of words #therian thoughts

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wondereads · 4 months ago

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December Reading Wrap-Up

The Villain Edit by Laurie Devore (★★★★☆)

I saw this author speak at Yallfest, hence why I decided to branch out quite a bit from my typical choices. The Villain Edit is a contemporary romance about a failed romance author who goes on a Bachelor-esque show to drum up sales for her backlist. She has a one night stand the day before production starts, who turns out to be a producer on the show. As much as this has the premise of a romance novel, I would consider it a contemporary novel with a strong side of romance. The focus is by and large on the development of the main character, Jac, as she struggles with her personal issues and starts to crack under the spotlight. I did enjoy the romance—even though the "love triangle" has a completely obvious end, Devore does some fun things with it—but I would have been perfectly content if Jac ended up alone, as long as she came to terms with herself.

Jac is a decidedly 'unlikeable' character, in both the show and the book, but she's highly entertaining to read about, and I felt a lot of empathy for her. She makes so many bad decisions and is unfailingly rude, but she rarely felt grating, even if I was banging my head against my steering wheel as I listened to the audiobook. There were some moments that felt a little misogynistic to me, but I think it was just playing into the dehumanizing aspects of reality tv. Even though this book is outside of my comfort zone, I had a great time with it, and it did a good job maintaining tension throughout.

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (★★★★★)

I am always blown away by how Tamsyn Muir constructs such intricate plots. I've read Harrow before, but I was still astonished by how neatly everything came together, each mystery playing into the others (I also have a crap memory so I forgot a lot of the book). Of the three Locked Tomb protagonists, Harrow is definitely my favorite. She's not 'funny' like Gideon or Nona, but she's snarky in her own way, and I have a soft spot for overachievers. She's also ridiculously competent and dedicated, and it's incredibly satisfying to see her always take it further than anyone thinks she will (soup).

Since I wasn't panicking about what the actual fuck was going on like the first time I read this, I got to slow down and take in more of the side relationships a bit more. Augustine and Mercy are both hilarious characters in their own right, and it's only multiplied when they're put together. I am an Ianthe hater (this would all be over if it wasn't for her), but she's just as compelling a character as everyone else. And then there's Jod. Fuck Jod. Anyway, on a technical level, Muir's writing is just breathtaking, with serious, flowery descriptions cut with hard-hitting, simplistic statements, occasionally lightened by humor that would be out of place in any other story. What an amazing book.

More books under the cut

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (★★★★★)

It took me a while to decide to give Nona five stars. Not because it isn't a spectacular book, it is, but because I experienced so much emotional turmoil while reading it that I wanted to withhold a perfect rating out of spite. Paul?? You can't put Paul in a novel and expect me to reward you for it. And yet it's all so good there's no other option. I'm actually quite furious with myself that it took so long to catch on to what was happening. I've still got absolutely no clue how necromancy works, but it was very interesting to learn its origins, only recorded through Ye Olde Twitch.

I was very excited to see the return of a fan-favorite character. I was a bit worried she Came Back Wrong. She probably did a little, but for the most part it just seems like her own, genuine decision to behave in this way in some semblance of a quarter-life-crisis. The first half of the book is rife with amazing new relationships, though I am hesitant to describe it as found family as it only lasts around 300 pages before quickly becoming lost family (that's not a spoiler, Muir would never let anyone be happy). In terms of the worldbuilding, beyond the origin story, it was so interesting to see what life is like outside of the Nine Houses, and there are many new mysteries introduced. I think the thing I most want to know more about is what the hell is going on with the Resurrection Beasts. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I wait news of Alecto eagerly.

For She Is Wrath by Emily Varga (★★★☆☆.5)

This started off as a very strong book. The story revolves around Dani, who used to be the daughter of an esteemed swordsmith before she was framed for the murder of a warlord and sent to prison. She is able to break out of said prison with the help of another young girl who just so happens to have a secret stash of magic. Dani puts this magic to use to disguise herself in order to infiltrate the royal court and take revenge on all who ruined her life—especially her former paramour, Prince Mazin..

I really liked Dani, the main character, and her pursuit of vengeance is a classic tale, even if this weren't a retelling. The very beginning is a little convenient (really, of all prison cells?), but once Dani is able to start working toward revenge I was hooked. I found the magic system intriguing, the romance had a lot of good tension, and it was incredibly satisfying to see the execution of said revenge. The big issue I had with this book was pacing. I seriously thought this would be the first in a series; it felt like there wasn't nearly enough time to do everything the characters wanted to in just over 400 pages. However, in the last 100 or so pages of this book, so much happens. A character is kidnapped and saved, an ill-advised bargain is made and broken, a big betrayal and a big reunion occur, on top of like seven other plot points. These major plot points, which would usually be given at least a full chapter if not multiple, were being cycled through with only a few pages each, not allowing the reader, or the characters, room to dwell on what was happening. It was so disorienting and unsatisfying that I docked what could have easily been a 4.5/4.75 star read down to 3.5.

The Last Graduate by Naomi Novik (★★★★★)

I don't really have much new to say about this one; I remembered it pretty well, I just reread it for potential use in my thesis. It was tough to stay focused on the actual reason I was combing through instead of just underlining every time El and Orion were in the same room. I continue to be obsessed with their relationship, even years after the series has ended. My favorite part of this book is probably the Scholomance itself; I love that it is shown to be somewhat sentient, even if it is only to fulfill the parameters of its creation. I honestly wish we could have gotten more of it as a character in its own right, but I know the plot wouldn't work otherwise.

The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik (★★★★★)

This one was a bit different. Still reading for my thesis, but I honestly forgot a good bit of the story, so there were some twists that surprised me once again. Novik is not subtle about the magical world being an allegory for ours, the fortunate creating problems (pollution, poverty, etc.) for the less so and needing to be forced to do something about it. The only truly fantastical thing about the whole situation is that El truly can single-handedly force them to care, which is quite cathartic to read. While there are a lot of new characters and relationships introduced in this book, and I'm a fan of all of them (particularly El and Liesel), my favorite is El's mom. Her and El play off each other well, and it's interesting to see the woman El constantly brings up in her narration.

Threads That Bind by Kika Hatzopoulou (★★★★☆.75)

I was not anticipating this book to be so good! Threads That Bind follows Io, who uses her skills as a Fate-born, allowing to see the threads of fate, as a private investigator in the city of Alante. Her latest case leads her to a run-in with an inhumanly strong and half-crazed woman who wields her own cut life thread as a weapon. Investigating the mystery leads Io to criminal gangs, up-and-coming politicians, and her own absent sister, all involved in something dark in the city's past. I think the mystery of this book was very good; I definitely had my suspicions for the ultimate culprit (and there were some red herrings that just felt unnecessary), but the process of Io discovering the truth was highly entertaining and it wasn't completely obvious.

I also loved the magic system! The idea of characters being distantly descended from various mythological figures, giving them appropriate powers, was very interesting, especially since it isn't the typical demigod approach. My favorite part of it is that the powers come in sets of siblings, each one playing a different role. For example, of her three sisters, Io is a Cutter, representing the Fate that cuts the threads of life, which allows her to sacrifice one of her own threads to cut someone else's. The worldbuilding is also one of my favorite tropes, which is that it seems to be Earth but far in the future, after some sort of climate disaster. I hope the rest of the series explains more of the history! Io herself was mostly a likable and easy-to-root-for protagonist. My one gripe with this book was that she felt a little too perfect sometimes, a lot of her mistakes and failings coming from her rough upbringing, not necessarily her personal flaws. Still, I enjoyed reading about her, and I really liked the romance. Her and Edei have a pretty natural progression from allies to friends to lovers that doesn't feel rushed, which is often an issue I have with YA romances these days. There was one thing I was hoping would happen, but I'm holding out for the sequel (the title, Hearts That Cut, bodes well). Overall, I really enjoyed reading this book, and I'm looking to get the second one soon!

Wolf Siren by Beth O'Brien (★★★★☆)

Can't say much about this one, it's unreleased and I read it for work, but it balanced an understandable middle grade writing style well with the heavy topics it addresses.

Forged by Blood by Ehigbor Okosun (★★★☆☆.25)

This one was a bit of a disappointment. Forged by Blood tells the story of Demi, an Oluso who can wield magic in a land that has forbidden it. She is hired by a lord to kidnap the prince of her kingdom, Jonas, in a deceptive bid to get him a higher position that would hopefully benefit her people. Demi does so with the help of her close friend, Colin, but a wrench in their plans requires them to go on a bit of a journey with the prince. This book isn't really advertised as such, but it's absolutely a romantasy, not a high fantasy. Demi's world is an unsubtle allegory for colonization, the northerners having overthrown the original royal family and oppressing literally everyone else. This is a typical plot, but it's not the unoriginality I have an issue with; it's the fact that the romance kind of neuters the whole metaphor. In an attempt to allow Demi a romantic relationship with Jonas, prince of her oppressors, the story has to take a whole forgiveness-and-collaboration approach to what is basically colonization, and it just misses the mark.

In general, I wasn't a huge fan of the romance in this book. There are a lot of plot gaps that clearly only exist to make room for popular romance scenes, and the romance just wasn't good enough for me to forgive that. I was sort of into it in the beginning, but that was more the concept; the characters don't really have much chemistry. The thing is, I really enjoyed Demi and Jonas as characters (Colin less so, he was clearly only there for love triangle drama). They're both passionate and dedicated, which the romance doesn't really add to. The magic system is also interesting, based on Nigerian mythology, but the book doesn't dwell on it as much as I'd like. Overall, there wasn't really anything egregiously wrong with this book, but it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been.

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang (★★★★★)

Another thesis reread!

Impossible by Lyra Cole (★★★☆☆.75)

This book is an omegaverse about five incredibly damaged people. Indie is an isolated girl with an intense eating disorder who discovers that she is an omega. In this world, omegas and alphas live in relative secret, making the transition difficult for her on top of her psychological struggles. Meanwhile, Hollis, Joshua, Leon, and Risk are four alphas whose pack fell apart in a mysterious, violent 'incident,' leaving them all traumatized. Normally books like this shy away from the impact PTSD and depression can have on someone's life. Impossible doesn't sugarcoat how flashbacks and severe depression fuck with a person's psyche, which I really appreciated. This is first and foremost a romance book, but it still allocates a decent amount of time to discussing the characters' problems and their healing process.

Other than that, there is a loose political undercurrent in the story, things that have far too serious implications for an omegaverse romance duology. Concerning that, I would have appreciated more happening; I was anticipating a bit more conflict coming from that area. The romance itself is pretty good; Indie and Leon by far spend the most time together, so their relationship develops the most naturally. The others feel a bit rushed, but I still like them. The book feels a little vague and directionless, but I enjoyed the characters and romance.

Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey (★★★★☆.5)

My longest read of the year tells the story of Phedre no Dalaunay. In the country of Terre D'Ange, there is one precept valued above all others: love as thou wilt. D'Angelines have a unique desire for beauty that presents itself in art, governance, and, crucially, sex. In the Houses of Night, which worship Namaah, sex is their method of tribute, and Phedre, sold by her mother to Namaah's service, has known all her life what she is meant to do. The only thing out of the ordinary about her is a red mote in her eye, Kushiel's Dart, which marks her as someone who experiences pain and pleasure as one. A noble, Lord Delaunay, takes notice of Phedre and purchases her indenture to then train her in the art of espionage. Her position allow her into places typical spies have no access to, and her skills loosen her clients' tongues. But Terre D'Ange is unstable, and her subterfuge leads her into a conspiracy to take a kingdom.

For a book published in 2001, this book is astonishing pro-LGBTQ and sex-positive. It portrays an understanding and healthy depiction of BDSM, draws a tasteful line between consensual sex work and rape, and boasts multiple characters that are openly queer. It's more politics and arranged marriages that get in the way of relationships than gender. This is also a complex and compelling political fantasy, pulling in court intrigue, diplomatic relations, and pretty good accuracy for medieval Europe (the map is just Europe, Terre D'Ange is France, it's not subtle). Phedre herself is a wonderful protagonist; she is dedicated, headstrong but clever, and knows how to utilize her talents to the best of her abilities. She has multiple entanglements throughout the course of the novel, but there are two main relationships, both of which were wonderful to read. One is a deadly dance, exploring the lines between love and hate, and one is complete devotion as the two go through hell together. Even for a book that discusses sex so openly, there actually aren't many sex scenes and most take up very little space; don't go into this one expecting a ton of smut. My only complaint is that the story does drag at times; it is over 1000 pages. I would read the trigger warnings before picking up this book, but otherwise I highly recommend it if you're looking for an in-depth political fantasy.

Otherworldly by F. T. Lukens (★★★★☆)

This was a cute, lighthearted paranormal romance between a goddess' familiar and a teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Ellery's region of the world has been stuck in an eternal winter for five years, but they might have a chance to save their city (and their family's farm) when they meet Knox, a familiar who's gone rogue for the chance to live his own life for once. The deal is simple: Knox helps Ellery discover why their Goddess has abandoned them, and Ellery helps Knox experience normal teenage things. Lukens has always been quite good at writing these cozy fantasy romances; they use magic tropes well to further the romance. I've previously had issues with them creating a world that 300-page romances just don't have time to explore, but this one was pretty self-contained and I didn't feel unsatisfied at the end.

The romance itself is very cute; Ellery and Knox play off each other well, and the story doesn't feel overly contrived or too rushed. I do think it's a little ridiculous that this one area of the world has been trapped in winter for five years and Ellery still doesn't believe in the supernatural. Oddly, it was the skepticism that broke my immersion. However, once they get past that, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. If you're looking for cute, fantastical romances, F. T. Lukens is a great bet, and I've enjoyed every book from them I've read.

#books #reading update #the villain edit #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth #tlt #for she is wrath #the last graduate #the golden enclaves #the scholomance #threads that bind #wolf siren #forged by blood #the poppy war #kushiel's dart #otherworldly

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typingdyslexiaisathing · 1 month ago

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Love Over Time (Trigun) fanfiction

Vash woke up to the sound of soft sniffling. His mind soon awake and alert that his wife wasn't next to him. So Vash rolled over and out of the bed to head for the bathroom. The door cracked open for him to knock softly on the door. Which had Anya go quiet right away. So Vash spoke up to make sure Anya was okay. "Honey? Are you all right? Did you have a bad dream? Or are you coming down with something?" The silence was deafening for Vash to start to really worry. But soon the door eased open for him to look down at his wife. The woman who had stolen his heart so many years ago. Anya was older now than when they had first met. But he still looked at her with that feeling his heart was soaking in soft spring sunshine. So Vash smiled down at Anya to reach his hand up and cup her cheek. Wiping away her tears on that side of her face with his thumb. "Oh honey. What is it? Please tell me. Please."

Anya gave another sniffle to lean into his touch. But her tears kept falling as she spoke with utter misery. "It's hopeless. I've tried and tried for months. But nothing is working. Instead of losing all this weight I gained, I just seem to add more." Vash blinked to then pause as he floundered for the right words to say. While Anya whimpered to then lean herself into his front. So Vash hugged her close as she sobbed and sniffled. "It's not fair. I keep doing those workouts and watching what I eat. But nothing makes any difference. The older I get the rounder I get. I hate it! I hate how I feel so fat and ugly!" Vash felt those words rip through his whole body. Hugging Anya closer to soon trace a hand through her long red curly hair. Red that now had traces of tinsel white in it. Vash didn't care about such things. He loved Anya and still lost his breath whenever she walked into the room. So he spoke with pure love to his wife. "Oh Anya. I know you are doing your best to be healthier. I know you are trying. My gorgeous and radiant rose. Time always seems to add more struggles in ways we tend to despise. But you are simply you, Anya. The woman I love with all my heart and soul."

Anya gave a hiccup for Vash to move so they were sitting on the bed. He took his time holding tissues to Anya's nose so she would 'toot the trumpet' as they told the local children. Soon leaning in to place tender kisses to Anya's face as he nuzzled and cuddled her. "Mine. My perfect love. My precious rose in the desert. I am the luckiest man alive to have you for my wife. Every day we've been together has been a joyous blessing. From the very start to all these years later. I have everything I have ever wanted in you and this life we have." Anya gave a sniffle to ask Vash, "Really? Even though it's been almost two decades since that day we first met? Even though we only met because I lost my scarf in the breeze for you to catch?" Vash grinned as the memory replayed in vivid detail. How a soft blue scarf had all but surprise floated over his head. Only to turn and see Anya come running up chasing after it. A pretty young woman with short curly hair and freckles all over her face. Eyes that were the most dazzling shade of silver grey Vash had ever seen. He had felt so stunned he had been unable to really form full sentences. The memory making him grin to come back to the present.

Vash gave a chuckle of pure joy before he spoke. His words full of love and contentment. "Anya. I am sure that God made the breeze grab up your scarf to then drop it on my head. At least I choose to think so. And I am thankful every second of every day and night that God did just that. You are my perfect summer day. My warm winter night in front of a fire. Every moment we have is one I gives thanks for and count as prefect. You are my perfect everything, Anya. I cannot help but keep on falling in love with you." Anya gave a squeak of shyness for her blush to creep in. Which dusted over her face and ears for Vash to giggle over. So Anya scooted closer to give Vash a good hug as he wrapped his arms around her. His wife saying with soft words, "My wonderful and sweet husband. Thank you. Thank you so much, Vash. I shouldn't linger in doubts or bad thoughts when I have you to shoo them away for me. I love you, sweetheart."

The two stayed in that good hug for a while. But then Vash had a thought to simply sigh. "I am fairly certain that everyone on Ship 3 expected for us to visit a month ago. For many different reasons. So I think we should go back and see everyone. As well as do that dreaded health check up the ship's doctor threatened us with. I get poked and prodded and lectured. You get insight on better ways to workout and or try things they might have for losing weight and being healthier overall. So we both get the hospital gown and cold breeze in places together." Anya gave a grumble of resignation before she huffed. "You evil opportunist. Fine. Fine. My boss at the bank offices keeps hounding me about using my vacation time. So I can let him know I'm taking it right the heck now. While you get to pack our bags and see that the little details get taken care of." Vash let Anya go for her to get onto her feet. Yet Vash wasn't able to stop himself from giving Anya's backside a pat of encouragement. Which earned him a squeak and a light tap on the head before Anya headed for the phone. Meaning Vash got to watch her sway that very round and very perfect backside as she moved. Not even hiding his grin when Anya told him, "Less staring and more packing."

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lewkwoodnco · 1 year ago

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Now That We Don't Talk - Lockwood x Reader

A/N: very very brief suicidal mention, sooooo much writer's block hhhh (the seasonal depression is depressing), (angst but diluted if that makes sense) add/remove yourself from my taglist in the link beloooow ALSO

🎄Special Announcement! I'll be doing a twelve days of Christmas fic series (1 songfic fic a day leading up to Christmas) BUT I will also be accepting extra holiday-themed requests (if any)!🎄

(speaking of the holidays, thinking of switching to a santa-themed george icon soon hmmm), wc 3.1k

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 3.5 | Ch 4 | Ch 5

TAGLIST | MATERLIST

Moving had been a surprisingly smooth process that she remembered little of. She had to take care to not think too much about the ornaments she was packing or the boxes she was taping shut or the lonely town she was numbly driving towards, lest the rest of her catch up to the grief weighing her down. Her supervisor had looked plenty confused when she explained where she was transferring to, and muttered something about not knowing if there were any visitors there.

As steep as the change was from working in central London to a significantly sleepier town, she seemed to be adjusting fine. In fact, she was liking the peace and quiet. Or at least, she would, soon enough. She'd learn the right habits, like finding contentment in the stagnant void that descended on her windows far too quickly every evening, the same way she'd unlearn bad habits, like him. So no, her biggest problem was hardly the early sunsets here, but was actually what everyone wanted to talk to her about when she called. The one thing everyone - her old teammates, colleagues, friends - wanted to make sure she knew.

"The gala was fantastic this year - though not as fun without you, of course -"

"You'll never believe who showed up."

"He looked very sharp in his suit. He cleans up nice, I suppose - Anthony Lockwood, I mean."

"They've become quite the celebrities, that Lockwood & Co., though the other two don't seem to tolerate the cameras like he does."

"Oh, you should have seen it. Say what you will about Lockwood but does he know how to make an entrance!"

"Were you at the gala this year?"

She sighed for what must have been the fifth time that day. "No, Ted, I was not. You were at my farewell party, remember?"

"Tha' was for you?"

"Goodbye, Ted."

"Wait! You've seen the pictures, haven't you?"

"No, I haven't, because contrary to popular belief, I am not obsessed with evrything that goes on at Fittes."

"Well, we had a tiptop chocolate fountain this year. Didn't get clogged once and looked absolutely gorgeous. Anywho, I've recently stumbled upon this smashing business opportunity involving chocolate fountains - they're selling like hot cakes, I tell you! - and I'd love to spread the wealth."

"Theodore, you haven't joined another MLM, have you?"

"What is an MLM, other than an opportunity to invest in yourself?"

"Don't make me phone your mother."

The call ended rather abruptly after that. Only Lucy, as always, was an angel.

"I take it you've heard plenty about him?"

"Who? Oh, him. Yes, more than plenty."

"I thought you might. He has...quite the presence, so the papers wanted to interview him, and he agreed - "

" - obviously - "

"And I think they asked him about you at some point."

Her mouth dried. She struggled to find her voice, forcing it to stay casually disinterested. "Hm? What did he say?"

"Absolutely nothing. First and probably last time I've seen him stunned speechless. Naturally, it's all anyone can talk about."

"Mhm."

"He hasn't talked about you, if you're wondering. Sees it coming from a mile away every time George and I try to bring it up. It's so stupid; we know it, he knows it, and he's always in a foul mood. He keeps thinking, these days...Y/N?"

"I don't care."

"No one would blame you if you did."

"I don't."

"So how are you holding up?"

"Well, Luce, I felt happiness outside of external validation for the first time in...ever, then three months later I'm crying in my bathtub wishing I would die, and now I'm miles away from everyone I ever knew and it's always dark outside and I'm always miserable. I'm doing great."

She could hear the exhaustion in the crackling static of the telephone. It occurred to her that she wasn't much acting all that cheerful either.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think he half-expected to see you there."

She inhaled sharply and sat up in her armchair so fast she could feel a cramp curling in her neck. She didn't dare believe Lucy's words. "Really?" she wanted to breathe into the telephone, and revel in dormant delusions, if only for a moment. Instead, she gingerly sank back into the chair, continuing in a flat voice.

"Well, I don't care about any of that now. Oh, I'm sick of it. All of it. If I never hear his name again for as long as I live, it'll be still be too soon. How's George doing?"

After she hung up, she laid in her chair, watching the shadows from her shutters stretch and fold over her furniture as the sun set. She was thinking about the last party she had been to, a yacht party where some of Fittes' and Rotwell's biggest investors were in attendance. How Lockwood had managed to score an invite was beyond her, but what intrigued her more was the cab ride they shared back to Portland Row.

She had been half-dozing off when she felt a hand cover hers. As she blinked at him blearily, she noticed the rigid tension in his spine, as if poised and waiting for an attack. He was clutching her hand purposefully, as if holding off on warning her about something malevolent that was consuming him. She couldn't see his face, which began to feel no different from the cold, hard window pane it was peering out of.

She stirred, distantly unnerved by his impersonality. He glanced at her, apologetically retracting his hand with a sheepish smile. But that look of consternation remained on his face as he turned back to the window with a furrowed brow, with the air of waiting for something. He visibly relaxed as they approached Portland Row, but she couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling even by the time they reached the doorstep.

"You all right?" she was asking, while Lockwood fumbled with their keys.

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She didn't respond, and the two of them watched him wrench at the key in the lock, trying to steady his mildly trembling fingers.

"Key turns the other way."

He paused his efforts, and after a second or two turned the key the other way. The door slid open smoothly with a click. He held it open, but she just looked at him expectantly. He sighed.

"I'm fine, I promise. I just...get a little nervous around some parts of London."

"Which parts?"

"Some."

"Scared of what?"

"A few things."

"Why?"

"For fun. Look, I'm freezing out here. Can we just drop this?"

That was more than a mild exaggeration; the sun had only just set and the air was still pleasantly balmy. But he looked so beseechingly, and it didn't take much for her to relent when it came to Lockwood, so they stepped inside and shrugged their coats off in silence.

"I'll tell you some day. I'm sure I will."

That was some day too far away. Now she'll never know if, or why he ever felt like that. Or rather, she wouldn't know when he would feel like that. But it was no matter. It was none of her business then, and it was even less of her business now.

She had mostly forgotten about her conversation with Lucy by the following week, which was why her parcel came as a bit of a surprise, especially since she'd mentioned being swamped by a mountain of upcoming cases.

Y/N -

I was thinking about our call the other day. On a completely unrelated note, here's about every gossip rag from the past month I could find at Arif's.

Love, Lucy.

She was beginning to see what was so appealing about these magazines. As ruthless as they could be, they sure knew how to sell a pipe dream to common folk with less exciting lives. The gala was clearly as glitzy and glamorous as it was every year, and the articles held an air of intrigue now that she was quite separate from Fittes. But that quivering excitement became somewhat muffled as she flipped through the glossy pages.

The Anthony Lockwood she saw now looked worlds apart from the Lockwood she left behind. His well-fitting suit, megawatt smile and carefully styled hair made him look expensive in a way that destabilised her. She flipped through photograph after photograph of him looking jarringly luxurious besides walls of text effusing about the success of their latest case, and what an honour it must have been to be personally invited by Marissa Fittes herself. It weighed at the pit in her stomach to see this unfamiliar silhouette of a friend who was become increasingly unattainable, speeding along roads to prosperity faster than she could ever keep up with.

She sifted through the other rags. The most extensive feature was a few pages long, and was centered more on the exciting, up-and-coming agency that was Lockwood & Co. rather than a specific case. There were pictures from their most recent cases, and in each one he looked unnaturally distinct from the last, but in every single one he oozed an appealingly languid charisma. It was good to see him doing so well. She was happy for him. Or she would be, tomorrow, when she had the strength for it. Lockwood was unbearable in a way that made him perfect for a life in the public eye, a life for which she was somehow always deficient. She traced a too-long strand of hair flopped on his forehead in one of the photographs, as if she could magically straighten it out.

She could see him now, thumbing through the pages with an approving tilt to his head, limbs folded uncomfortably in the armchair he always insisted on sharing with her. "No such thing as bad press," he'd claim absent-mindedly, his too-long hair flopping impractically. And she'd watch him with bruised eyes like she always did, wishing for nothing more in that moment shared with him. In other words, wishing for nothing short of what she could never have.

Maybe it was some lingering wish to break herself before he beat her to it. Because that was all it was; dodging blows, lying through pretty teeth, racing ahead to pull one over on him, cursing the feel of his breath on her. There was simply no calm, no respite, only the all-consuming experience of becoming wrapped up in him and losing bits and pieces of herself which would never again be truly hers.

She picked up the telephone again. It felt too heavy in her hand. Numbly, she spun the dial as if on autopilot, keying in her mother's phone number. The dial tone comforted her in some twisted yet cathartic acknowledgement of the emptiness inside of her.

Looking at it now she could see the distinct air of mystery that engulfed Lockwood and clouded her vision. He was never quite fully present; a part of him was always tucked away to be kept secret in some dark corner, and her mind was only too happy to extrapolate, to construct this most desirable yet entirely mythical figment. She felt ragged, winded and worn from battling reality day after day, all alone. And most of all, she felt so very stupid.

Her mother was saying that she had made the right decision. Not that she needed any reminding. Of course her life had taken an upward swing ever since; she'd be a fool to think otherwise. She was positively paralysed with liberty, bedridden with joy, simply immobile with ecstasy!

She was slowly but surely going very insane. Now making eyes at each other, now disconnect, now love, now heartache, now this, now that, but never any peace. Maybe it was some lingering wish to shatter and let the pent up misery dissipate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Months passed. The holiday season arrived, and she choked through the November blues with shivering bones and clammy hands. Even with the slight uptick in visitors, as was expected in the colder months, her life provided little to distract her from her own ghosts under the floorboards. So when she received a consultancy request from Fittes one morning, she had written back and mailed her response all while still holding the jam knife.

The train was crowded and noisy with the bustle of the holidays, but as it chugged along through the fields of snow, she couldn't help but perk up ever so slightly at every sigh and creak of its wheels. There was a spring in her step all the way to Fittes headquarters, where she was supposed to collect her apartment key.

A tall, indistinct figure was walking out of the revolving doors as she approached. She flinched when she realised who it was - Lockwood, who didn't seem much happier to see her either. He looked mostly well, though the corners of his mouth were a little strained, his face flushed in the cold.

"...Y/N?"

"Lockwood."

"You're...home?"

"Yeah. Um, how have you been?"

"Good...good. Busy. As busy as winter gets."

He was wearing a different coat. It was quite similar to his old one, but this one was thicker and more structured, and looked like it was at least somewhat effective in keeping the brisk winter wind out. He looked foreign and unfamiliar in a way he hadn't since...since the Investors Party.

It had taken her a while to pick his face out of the pretentious crowd, given how preoccupied she was with weaving through the thicket of people. It had taken her a eyes minute to adjust to the almost nauseatingly charismatic silhouette of an especially-chuffed Lockwood in a newly tailored but otherwise identical suit. She tried to give him a reproaching look, but there was something infectious in his smooth ease as he larked about in his prime which made her lips twitch despite herself as he waded through the crowds.

"You really shouldn't be here."

"You're clearly not drunk enough yet."

"How did you even get in? This is invitation-only."

"Had an invite, didn't I?"

She pursed her lips, shaking her head slightly. He was hopelessly incorrigible in an oddly fascinating way. Her voice dropped to a murmur as she felt herself begin to relent.

"I ought to...tell someone about you."

"That you're secretly in love with me?"

"That we have an illegal stowaway."

"You're not going to rat me out, are you?"

The pleading look on his face was enough to give her pause. She was already beginning to regret her decision, but he looked so vivacious it was difficult to stay disapproving for long.

"Excellent. Now, would you be so good as to point me in the direction of the bigger spenders?"

They spend the next few hours laughing and entertaining the many important men on the boat and their great deal of important thoughts. She'd excuse herself towards the end of every conversation to leave Lockwood and the glimmer in his eye to close a deal. For someone so adept at climbing the corporate ladder, she was surprisingly poor at fulfilling these adjacent duties.

She hated every second of it, and she drank as much as she could without raising eyebrows to make it all halfway palatable, but it was all worth it then. He had wanted to stay for as long as it would have been polite, so when they finally left, long after the media had made their rounds at the event, his jacket was folded over his left arm and his hand was delicately holding hers.

When she was stuck in her drafty cottage on the edge of nowhere, she'd think about the feel of his fingers curling around her palm more than it was appropriate, and wonder how she ever thought she was somehow better off here.

But that evening's sense of camraderie was long gone. Now, she regarded him coolly, holding him at arm's length. They may have had a rough falling out, but that didn't mean they couldn't still be friends. Just friends. Nothing more. But the vaguely intimate look in Lockwood's eye told her he was in no mood to entertain any kind of platonic notions.

"I didn't know you were back."

She relented. It was the season of giving, after all.

"Only for a while. Fittes hired me as a consultant for a few months."

He blinked at her. "You could have called."

"I didn't think you'd be interested."

"Of course I'd be interested. I'm always interested when it comes to you."

She sighed sharply. It was so easy to get swept up and believe him when he said things like that, that she wondered how she found the strength to leave. He was a bastard, a ne'er-do-well who only knew how to break her heart after promising sweet, simple luxuries in whispers over expanses of skin. She made her lips tremble, her pulse quicken, her heart shake in all the worst ways.

But underneath all that, love was there. Love was there...still.

"Ready to go?"

They turned in unison towards a strikingly beautiful girl with glossy raven curls walking out of the revolving doors. The girl's smile only slipped a fraction as she shook her hand, and she was distantly aware of making some kind of clumsy introduction. They stuttered through some stunted small talk, during which all she was aware of was the blood roaring in her ears that gave the whole scene a distantly muffled feel. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Well, this was...lovely. Shall we go, then?"

The girl turned to leave, but some semblance of hesitation prevented her from pulling Lockwood along with her.. His face still had that same confused look.

"You could have called," he repeated tonelessly, like a broken record. The girl's presence made the back of her neck smart and prickle uncomfortably.

"I might, later."

"Bye. Nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you too."

"We're home all day."

The last one was from Lockwood.

"Just...if you want to drop by. So that Luce and George don't have my head on a platter by supper."

"Goodbye, Lockwood."

He was captivating in a way that made her want to keep him all to herself. No one needed to intrude on this tantalising secret they shared. It was at that moment that she made the very unfortunate realisation that she didn't need to say it out loud to make what she had been screaming from the rooftops of her heart any more real - him and her would forever be unfinished business.

And nothing she could do could make the palpitations of her heart any less real either.

As the life she once dreamed of walked away from her, all she was acutely aware of was that it was a lingering wish, some half-thought dream, to sit opposite him in a chilly kitchen on blustery mornings, watching him drink his tea while she got drunk on him.

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