#i've had a lot of time to think about my experiences in the old fandom and how they impacted my perception and takes and yknow what?

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

for whom good omens is being written

Hey maggots and the rest of the fandom, it's the Good Omens Mascot here. Today I read a post about this tweet:

The accompanying video genuinely made me cry. And I've been thinking about this for a long while, as far back as February, when I saw a lot of conflicting opinions on what people wanted from the third season. It really is true that no matter what you do, some people will be dissatisfied. But what matters is that Neil is writing this for Terry.

And I was reminded of some paragraphs from the Good Omens TV Companion, which I'd read in Amazon's sample excerpt of the book. I know this is a long post, but I really truly do think you all need to read these, I've done my best to select only the most important parts. Here you go:

'His Alzheimer's started progressing harder and faster than either of us had expected,' says Neil, referring to a period in which Terry recognized that despite everything he could no longer write. 'We had been friends for over thirty years, and during that time he had never asked me for anything. Then, out of the blue, I received an email from him with a special request. It read: “Listen, I know how busy you are. I know you don't have time to do this, but I want you to write the script for Good Omens. You are the only human being on this planet who has the passion, love and understanding for the old girl that I do. You have to do this for me so that I can see it." And I thought, “OK, if you put it like that then I'll do it."

'I had adapted my own work in the past, writing scripts for Death: The High Cost of Living and Sandman, but not a lot else was seen. I'd also written two episodes of Doctor Who, and so I felt like I knew what I was doing. Usually, having written something once I'd rather start something new, but having a very sick co-author saying I had to do this?' Neil spreads his hands as if the answer is clear to see. 'I had to step up to the plate.' A pause, then: 'All this took place in autumn 2014, around the time that the BBC radio adaptation of Good Omens was happening,' he continues, referring to the production scripted and co-directed by Dirk Maggs and starring Peter Serafinowicz and Mark Heap. ‘Terry had talked me into writing the TV adaptation, and I thought OK, I have a few years. Only I didn't have a few years,' he says. 'Terry was unconscious by December and dead by March.'

He pauses again. 'His passing took all of us by surprise,' Neil remembers. 'About a week later, I started writing, and it was very sad. The moments Terry felt closest to me were the moments I would get stuck during the writing process. In the old days, when we wrote the novel, I would send him what I'd done or phone him up. And he would say, "Aahh, the problem, Grasshopper, is in the way you phrase the question," and I would reply, "Just tell me what to do!" which somehow always started a conversation. 'In writing the script, there were times I'd really want to talk to Terry, and also places where I'd figure something out and do something really clever, and I would want to share it with him. So, instead, I would text Terry's former personal assistant, Rob Wilkins, now his representative on Earth. It was the nearest thing I had.'

(...) As Neil himself recognizes, this is an adaptation built upon the confidence that comes from three decades of writing for page and screen. But for all the wisdom of experience, he found that above all one factor guided him throughout the process. 'Terry isn't here, which leaves me as the guardian of the soul of the story,' he explains. 'It's funny because sometimes I found myself defending Terry's bits harder or more passionately than I would defend my own bits. Take Agnes Nutter,' he says, referring to what has become a key scene in the adaptation in which the seventeenth-century author of the book of prophecies foretelling the coming of the Antichrist is burned at the stake. ‘It was a huge, complicated and incredibly expensive shoot, with bonfires built and primed to explode as well as huge crowds in costume. It had to feel just like an English village in the 1640s, and of course everyone asked if there was a cheap way of doing it. 'One suggestion was that we could tell the story using old-fashioned woodcuts and have the narrator take us through what happened, but I just thought, “No”. Because I had brought aspects of the story like Crowley and the baby swap along to the mix, and Terry created Agnes Nutter. So, if I had cut out Agnes then I wouldn't be doing right by the person who gave me this job. Terry would've rolled over in his grave.'

And, finally, this paragraph:

"Once again, Neil cites the absence of his co-writer as his drive to ensure that Good Omens translated to the screen and remained true to the original vision. 'Terry's last request to me was to make this something he would be proud of. And so that has been my job.'"

I think that's so heartwrenchingly beautiful, and so I wanted you all to read this, too, just in case you (like me) don't have the Good Omens TV Companion. It adds another layer of depth and emotion to this already complex and amazing story that we all know and love.

Share this post, if you can, please, so that more people can read these excerpts :")

Tagging @neil-gaiman, @fuckyeahgoodomens and @orpiknight, even if you've definitely read these before :)

[nepenthean-sleep]

the tlt fandom's insidious problem with ableism

this will be my final original post for the locked tomb fandom, if not forever, at least for a very long time.

i have been in this fandom since november 2021, so about 3 and a half years. i can handle john gaius discourse, and butch harrow/butch4butch griddlehark discourse, and imperialism discourse, and all other bigotry discourse, and SA discourse, and all of the other incredibly difficult and meaningful topics that are worth discussing in this fandom, but the fact that i privately told someone who tagged my post with "harrow is crazy and evil and gideon will fix her" that it was ableist and upsetting and to not say those things about people with severe mental health conditions anymore, and i got blocked for it, the fact that that happened from someone who had a "punk" pinned post and was a leftist…

this is my final straw.

i see ableist microaggression after ableist microaggression day in and day out with this fandom and i'm sick and tired of acting like it doesn't deeply disturb me. other people don't think people like me are full human beings. and yeah, that's what all bigotry is, i'm not trying to act like i'm exceptional. but, like a lot of other insidious and deep-running forms of bigotry, this comes from even the most "progressive" of people, people that like to champion other marginalized communities and stand up for other disabled people. but nobody likes psychotic people. even the fucking medical providers that are supposed to help us and sympathize with us don't like us, don't believe us, belittle us and abuse us.

nobody has any idea the amount of trauma this disorder and this diagnosis has inflicted on me, how it has made my life significantly harder on a day-to-day basis and a systemic basis and an interpersonal basis. i didn't have a job for FOUR YEARS. i've had to take medications that make it difficult for me to wake up in the morning, give me issues with swallowing, and can sedate me so much that i can't drive at times. i started this medication in march 2021 and i have never felt fully awake since then. i was involuntarily committed for nine days and experienced abuse and medical malpractice in both a major hospital and a psychiatric facility that led to PTSD. i used to wake up screaming multiple times a week from PTSD nightmares related to my hospitalization. it takes me so much longer to do academic work and i have extensive disability accommodations at my university. i'm still an undergrad student at 26 years old despite starting uni at 20, and i'm not expected to graduate for at least two more years. after i was out of the hospital in 2021, it took me six months before i could start doing schoolwork again, and i could only handle one class at a time. i barely remember those entire six months honestly. the first two months, my mom (my caretaker at that time) said that i seemed like an alzheimer's patient or a dementia patient, that i wasn't myself and i struggled to take care of myself.

and when i read harrow the ninth for the first time in december 2021, i saw all of that in that book. it was a hard read because i saw so much of the shit i went through in harrow's experience on the mithraeum, with ianthe and john who wanted to "help" her but were really exploiting her (reminding me of someone whose actions triggered paranoia in me during my first psychotic episode), with mercymorn and augustine who treated her like an annoyance and an idiot (reminding me of some of the nurses and providers in the facility, people who were undoubtedly overworked and underpaid but still misused their power over me and other patients), harrow herself waking up with panic attacks and not knowing what was real and what was just in her head, her constant yearning for home and leaving the horrible place that she was trapped inside of (self-explanatory). all of this resonated so deeply with me, and even if all of it wasn't the exact same as what i had just gone through earlier in the year, it was all very thematically similar.

and then i got to this fandom and its mostly just people shitting on htn harrow and jokingly calling her a brain damaged wet rat, but like, over and over and over again.

can you imagine how this made me feel lol.

it made me feel like shit.

so i ignored that feeling, maybe even went along with the rest of the fandom for a few moments because you know, maybe i'm just overreacting. maybe it's not that deep. after all, maybe i'm no different from a "brain damaged wet rat" myself. but that was the internalized ableism talking. but it just kept bothering me, and bothering me, and bothering me. it's been like three and a half years now and i can't ignore anymore how much it bothers me, how deeply disturbing i find it that people call her "cutesy" slurs like crazy and psycho and "delulu" or say she needs to be "fixed" or that gideon WILL "fix" her or that "her brain is made of soup teehee" or making "grippy sock" jokes or calling her a "sopping wet pathetic meow meow" or like whatever. honestly i don't even think people are doing it maliciously. that doesn't stop it from being hurtful and damaging.

even if it's not sourced from malicious intent, it's just proof that nobody fucking cares about people with psychotic disorders. nobody fucking cares about the human rights abuses that happen to patients in psychiatric facilities. nobody cares about how hard it is for people like us to make it through the world. do you know that there are some people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia that are catatonic, that can't speak or get out of bed? that can't take care of themselves? do you care about them and still think they're people? what about the people with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia that can't hold down a job or finish a degree or provide for themselves? the people with these mental health conditions that are homeless or stuck in abusive group homes? are these people "brain damaged little meow meows"? i'm one of the lucky ones! i can still go to school and take care of myself and work! but it wasn't always that way for me, and it may not always be this way for me in the future. do i still matter, then? am i still a person that deserves respect? or am i just another thing to make fun of, especially when and if my condition starts to decline? do you realize that your jokes enable your own bigotry and enforce the bigotry of others?

but its fun to laugh at harrow's declining condition, and make jokes with your friends who will never have to worry about this being in their cards. lobotomized brain damaged wet rat. fuck you.

i know you're just here to mess around and have fun with the books you like, but so was i. i can't do that anymore because people have made this environment so difficult for people like me. for fuck's sake, i used to make shitposts and theory posts all the time. have you noticed i don't anymore?

there's a lot of bigotry in this fandom, but this is the only topic that i feel qualified to speak on at length due to how deeply personal it is to me. please, i am begging you, think about what you say about harrow's mental health, symptoms, and brain. i know she isn't real, but i am, and so are people with the psychotic conditions she has.

[croquettish]

A Hans Capon Character Analysis

Part 2: Hans and Hanush

Continued from Part 1.

Hans' relationship with Hanush plays a considerable role in both games where Hans consistently tries to impress his uncle, but it isn't until KCD2 that this relationship (and the attempts to please) lead to a pretty blatant disillusionment with the nobility. Everything he learned, everything he ever thought he knew with complete and total certainty, ends up challenged in the face of the tremendous growth he experiences over the course of KCD2.

We'll start by talking about who Hans is as a person and where his personality and behaviors are coming from both before and after Henry meets him.

There's something to be said here about how growing up as part of the nobility is inherently dehumanizing and uniquely traumatizing, but I think for Hans in particular this is true. Even he realizes that his life had the potential of being just that little bit better had they been in the picture:

And let's be honest, even if it wouldn't have been better or different at all (let alone in any significant way), the fact is that Hans knows that something better could have been. It's even possible that he could have ended up with siblings to play with at some point! The idea of potential denied or just out of grasp for him is a theme that comes up quite frequently for him!

We know that Hans grew up under Hanush's tutelage if not in his love and affection. For Hans, that meant learning about how to govern a territory and learning to read and write, Latin and other languages included… but little else. I can say this with some amount of confidence because Hans wasn't taught social skills. At all. One of the most tragic visual examples of this comes from the meeting(s) at Raborsch. While Jobst makes his announcements, Hans is busy watching the other adults around him to see how they act and doing his best to mirror their behavior. This is heartbreaking.

@codeword-art made an amazing post recently about how incredibly lonely Hans is, and by god, they are correct. There are so many good points made in that post, many of which point to the fact that Hans has a LOT of learned behaviors. I've touched on this before in my Hanush meta, but @georgecostanzaatemysoup brought up the very good point that Hans most likely learned that negative behavior got him attention. But that's far from the only thing he's learned. As @codeword-art pointed out, Hans has learned that people treat him either like a "troublesome child" or like something precious to be protected. And when people default to treating him that way, even people who don't know him (!), he falls back into old habits. This is how life is, how life has always been, and how life will always be. The way Hans is treated has pretty directly affected and even shaped his personality.

This goes hand-in-hand with one of my all-time favorite meta posts in this entire fandom, which is this one by @antivanwine14. They make the incredible point that boar hunts were very social activities for nobles at the time. And that as soon as Hans finds his first actual friend in Henry he immediately goes to take him boar hunting. Hans has spent his entire life learning by watching and doing his best to echo what he sees.

You want to know where Hans got his personality from? I would bet good money that he saw the kind of commanding presence that his uncle bore and did his best to learn. Hanush is, in many ways, quite bratty himself. He's loud, boisterous, and gets what he wants. Hans got used to being called useless and did his best to be better. To be more like his uncle. Here's what Henry is told by the innkeep right before the boys start fighting:

Does that... remind you of anyone? Because it reminds me of Hanush!

Of course, that didn't get his uncle's approval either. So when that didn't work, he turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. A kid can only be told he's a useless little waste of space so often before he starts to not only believe it in earnest but also leans into the suggestion.

@codeword-art made this point absolutely beautifully here as well where they talk about how people view him throughout Rattay and what sort of effect that would also have on him. In Hans' eyes, no one aside from Captain Bernard and Oats think he's worth anything. Yet that isn't even entirely true. When Henry is given the tour of Rattay by Nightingale, he ends up learning the following:

But there's no doubt in my mind that Hans isn't hearing "Hanush should hand over the fiefdom to you, my lord" but rather Nightingale's comment about how these people are fools. It's not surprising then that this fake persona that Hans projects is just a protective facade that he puts in place when he has to interact with the outside world.

Hanush shouldn't be part of that category, and yet he inevitably is because he pushes his nephew away emotionally at all times.

Need I remind you that when Henry goes to check on Hans at the beginning of Next to Godliness... this is how Hans responds:

Okay. Reread that.

Hanush. wouldn't. let. anyone. near him????????????

Like…… why?????? Hanush wouldn't let anyone near him except the priest who treated him like he was already dead???????? No doubt growing up in the castle must have felt a bit like being dead too! He cared about the friends he was drinking with the night he got in that fight with Henry so much that they literally never came up ever again. This boy was never socialized! He is so lonely he has no one to even spend time with, if Hanush would even let him! So whom does he even have to impress?

Hanush. Just Hanush.

And this comes up quite a lot.

Because he wants so badly to be loved by his uncle.

This is what really gets me in terms of his relationship to Hanush. Hanush is an objectively terrible parent. And even in spite of this Hans very clearly wants to categorize him as his uncle instead of just as his guardian, this far more personal thing, but still feels compelled to restrain himself from that in everyday conversation. Even if that conversation happens to be with the guy who is rapidly sliding into the position of Hans' best friend.

Moreover, we know that Hans calls him uncle when that isn't actually his role in Hans' life:

I've noticed that Henry does a lot of code-switching depending on whom he's speaking to. In a lot of ways, even despite the irreverence he exhibits at times he treats Hans much nicer than he does most people. The annoyance that comes up with others does not generally show up with Hans.

And there is a lot of variance in how Henry treats the people around him outside of that. He knows how to juggle the different worlds he traverses in his myriad social roles that he occupies simultaneously.

Meanwhile, Hans only has two settings: deep and vulnerable and personal... and everyone else.

Hanush sits pretty solidly in the latter category. In fact, I would go so far as to say that Henry's existence alone created the first category to begin with. Without him, it would not exist. Hans doesn't let down his walls until he meets Henry because he doesn't even know he has them.

Only at his most emotionally vulnerable, usually with the people he cares about most (and vice versa), does Hans open up. At the end of KCD2, while he's drinking with Godwin and lamenting the fact that his soulmate might die out there, we learn the truth of why he decided to take the message to Trosky to begin with:

I mentioned in part 1 of my analysis that he's talking about nobles as a whole here. If only he took the message to von Bergow, everyone would finally take him seriously and stop treating him like a child.

As he puts it when he meets Henry in front of his room at Suchdol:

But Hanush is at the heart of all of this.

Let's rewind a bit to KCD1 again.

I know we joke a fair amount about Clothes Make the Man and how quickly Hans starts throwing his gifting love language at Henry and latches onto him plus playing dress-up with Henry but there's a lot more going here.

The opening already gets me. It takes him 0.2 seconds to turn Henry into his emotional rock.

It's pretty transparent that this is at least in part about wanting to throw presents at Henry to make sure that he stays around (consider also the timing: he does this right before he knows they're both going to get a talking-to from his uncle... it's like he's trying to butter Henry up in advance of that meeting to make sure it doesn't freak him out. He didn't have to put Henry into his own clothes!!), but the fear of looking bad in front of Hanush isn't an excuse. That is a real fear here.

And we know these sorts of lectures are far from rare; if anything, they're a common occurrence!

So much so that it even comes up again in KCD2 where Brabant drops this line post-Maleshov:

Implying that Hans talked to Brabant quite a bit about his concerns regarding precisely this while they were both in captivity. This was clearly something that weighed on him heavily, so much so that Brabant remembered it well enough to bring up here!

This isn't particularly surprising. From the very beginning, he's genuinely invested in his uncle's opinion of him (not that that comes as much of a surprise) and ends up viewing the trip as a sort of test that he can either pass or fail:

If you look at his growth through that lens it is quite frankly heartbreaking to watch him go through all that he suffers.

At the tavern in Troskowitz, Henry suggests going back to Rattay, and Hans immediately shoots that down because they'd be a laughing stock and Hanush would never let him forget about his failure:

The fear here is net negative approval.

By the time the lads are riding out to deal with Nebakov, he's come to terms with the fact that this will right the initial wrongs and things will return to normal!

I think this is very telling. The best he's hoping for at this point is a net zero approval gain.

The prospect of Hanush having to pay a ransom for him briefly pops up while they're locked up at Nebakov. And then Godwin shows up, reminding him that he can't even deliver a letter. We're back to net negative approval.

Henry reminds him that it's fine! At least they're alive!

And then we're treated to a strangely somber look from Hans and silence, one that Henry also notices and responds to by trying to inject a spot of good news (their return to Rattay):

Hans knows how his uncle reacts to failure. Not just here, but in general. He's generally not given the chance to plead his case. Case in point? After Next to Godliness, he tries to explain the situation to his uncle:

And... Hanush doesn't believe him:

He knows that optics are everything here. If it looks like he fucked up, that's how it'll be taken. To that point, the night before Nebakov Hans points out to Henry that he suffered all of those situations just because he was "trying to do the responsible thing."

Okay, now we're getting somewhere! He's honestly been trying here, all for the benefit of his uncle. Henry can even ask if he isn't worried about Hanush will say, given that it's pretty obvious that that is precisely what he's worried about:

With that, we're back to net zero gain in approval. Which is quickly turned into a net negative again the day after when he's taken hostage. Again.

And then gets to spend at least a week (possibly several) thinking about how badly he fucked up and how much Hanush might have to pay in ransom to get him back. As we noted earlier, it's fairly obvious just how much Hans cares about that as per his conversation with Henry and Brabant after the escape from Maleshov:

At this point he tells his uncle that he fucked everything up (which just isn't fucking true, Hans, you are way too hard on yourself) and Hanush is quick to reassure him that it's fine:

Even he recognizes that Hans has grown at this point! Or... at least he says as much. I think this gave Hans a sliver of hope that he could actually earn his uncle's approval.

Of course, later on Hanush reveals how he really feels about the matter and this is, of course, what leads to the Devil's recommendation to just marry him off. My beloved mutual @audentesfortunaiuvattwrote an excellent post about how infuriating this whole conversation is, and I agree 100% with her argument and the follow-up.

Hans' real feelings on the matter are revealed after the announcement, only while he's absolutely sloshed:

Henry tries to point out to him later on after von Bergow's interrogation that he would have gotten Hanush's approval after his work at Maleshov, and it just...

... doesn't land. A part of me wonders if the announcement of the betrothal swept the rug so solidly out from under his feet that he lost any hope that he could have ever gotten his uncle's approval by his own merit. Which is also why he ends up sounding so resigned when he ends up talking to him later. Like he expected it to turn into an argument.

It's kind of heartbreaking to watch honestly. Because every time that Hanush is in the picture, you get to play witness to Hans grasping for his approval again with just that tiniest sliver of hope reawakening. While they're at Suchdol, that doesn't factor in at all. In this timeframe, Hans and Henry both exist in a space outside of society. As I stated in part 1, nobility and social stratification are meaningless in the face of, uh, hunger and despair. But as soon as Hanush returns, with him come the demands of the society around them.

All I see here is someone who desperately wants to impress his uncle. This is the sliver of hope.

Only for it to be promptly shattered into pieces.

And by the time of their end conversations, there's no repairing it anymore. Which is fucking tragic, because if you pay attention to Hanush, he clearly has no idea how to parent Hans. After giving Hans and Henry that lecture following Next to Godliness, this is his expression when Hans leaves:

These are two people that have spent their whole lives misunderstanding each other. Like, I truly believe that Hanush is doing what he thinks is best here (and, as I've said before, in many ways he's right! he's a great guardian, but he's a terrible parent; I go into that in more detail at the bottom of this post). In terms of being a good parent to Hans it just happens to be a sad miscalculation.

Part 3

[eriklehnsherrific]

re: jackie

okay i've been thinking about this for WEEKS and i think some of the younger yj fandom needs to hear this because we are getting stuck in this overly dualistic pattern of thinking where it has to be either "jackie was a mean girl" or "jackie was a sweet, perfect girl", when neither of those perspectives is 100% correct.

shauna's betrayal objectively made her a bad friend to jackie, but i think it would be a disservice to jackie's character to act like she was a good friend to shauna. yes, obviously what shauna did was worse, but let's not forget how the show makes a point of establishing jackie as a sweet, popular, but sometimes controlling/self-centered person during multiple moments in the first season.

for example, in the very first episode, jackie insults shauna's music taste and taste in fashion. at first, it's in sort of a joking manner that feels like that's how she and shauna banter, but the whole "wear the red dress moment" is there intentionally to show that jackie kind of steamrolls shauna, as evidenced by shauna snapping at her after. it's one thing to joke with friends, and its another to insult your best friend's taste to her face multiple times and then be shocked when her feelings are hurt. not to mention that shauna got into brown, an ivy league school, and never told jackie because she didn't want to disappoint her. i saw a tiktok comment that explained it really well, saying "even if the whole jeff/shauna thing never happened, jackie and shauna's friendship would still likely implode once they went to college, as jackie would likely see shauna going to brown as a betrayal".

in the wilderness, when shauna votes with tai to head down to the lake, jackie ices her out right away. she slutshames nat and again insults shauna to her face about how she "makes people feel judged" when shauna is literally the only one defending her for not contributing. during the fight, when shauna admits she only did soccer to please jackie and actually doesn't even like it, there's a sad implication there that shauna could've avoided being on that plane if she had stood up to jackie's steamrolling/if jackie didn't pressure her to do what she does.

that's why the notion that jackie was simply "too pure" for the wilderness isn't quite correct in my mind; in my opinion, one of the reason jackie struggles so much with adapting to the wilderness is that she is one of the few yellowjackets that hasn't experienced that much strife at home. it is mentioned that shauna's parents split up when she was quite young (plus the fact that her room is in what looks like an attic, which gives the impression that she doesn't get a lot of support from her family), tai had that whole experience with her grandma/the one eyed man, van's mother is an alcoholic, nat's mother is an alcoholic and her father was abusive (not to mention the horrible way he died in front of her), misty was severely bullied, mari saw her 4 yr old cousin die from cancer when she was only 12, etc. unlike the rest of her teammates, jackie lived a relatively sheltered life with a big and fancy house, parents who were still together, and was popular at school. that's not to say she didn't ever struggle (ex: she mentions how her mother is on a bunch of pills), but compared to the rest of the girls, jackie hasn't exactly been challenged in life the way they have. that's why she wasn't as ready to adapt as the rest of the girls; she didn't really have to overcome obstacles like this, at least independently of her parents, the way some of her teammates did. the result was a dynamic in which the girl who, at least on the surface, is rich, beautiful, popular, talented, and smart, was one of the first to die because she became alienated from her team.

all this to say, jackie objectively didn't deserve to die the way she did. but let's not forget she tried to kick shauna out first, and it was only because of the aforementioned reasons that made her not contribute that nobody except tai tried to stop it. hell, even coach didn't go out to get her and he was the only adult there. that's why i think the whole "jackie would never have let shauna sleep outside" argument doesn't really hold up. they are all teenagers, and while what shauna did with jeff is selfish and stupid and cruel, she was also just a teenage girl. none of them had any idea it would snow the next day. none of them had even considered that jackie could die out there. and it especially irks me that a lot of people say "shauna is the reason all the bad things happened to her, its her own fault", because nobody deserves to experience child loss (let alone a scared teenage girl who had to give birth without any medication or the support of her family, only for her baby to die). her relationship with jackie, regardless of how much shauna hurt her, did not cause her stillbirth.

what makes shauna's relationship with jackie so compelling is that she does have legitimate reason to resent jackie and jackie has legitimate reason to resent shauna. the idea that only one of them is a bad friend and only one of them is a good friend is an extreme oversimplification that removes the complexity of jackie as a character and their relationship as a whole.

[orfisheus]

The Problem With the Eddsworld Fandom's Depictions of Red Leader/Future Tord, A Disabled Perspective

Disability is a contentious concept for most of society, with most either treating us with disgust, confusion, refusing to treat us as human, or to see our struggles as what they are. Ableism affects all people in many different ways, but as someone who focuses a lot of my energy in fandom spaces, the pervasiveness of ableism with how media and their fans interpet and react to disabled characters is a very personal situation for me. While many may argue that an ignorance to these topics in fiction has little bearing on real life, the prevalance of these tropes have echoed and led to feelings of othering for many disabled people, and oftentimes support the same notions that lead to the day-to-day ableism in our own personal lives.

In recent years, I have experienced this most often with the prevalance of negative disability tropes perpetrated by fanfiction surrounding the character of Tord, also known under the alias of Red Leader in some fanworks. It is a problem not just common in the Eddsworld fandom. A more recent, and much larger fandom in Mouthwashing also shares a common trend of repeated ableism in fan depictions and interpretarions of disabled characters. Most fan creators are unaware of these tropes and the harm that they cause, but as a disabled person, I am unable to ignore it.

For context on myself, you can call me Fish. Get it? Or"fish"eus? I like to think I'm funny. I am a mentally ill, disabled, and neurodivergent creative who has niche interests in representation in media and the intersection of intersectionality and fandom spaces. I experience chronic pain due to a multitude of conditions, all of which are invisible disabilities. I am NOT an amputee or have a facial difference, like the character I am analyzing. I can only speak based on my own research in my attempts to portray him positively, but I want to mainly focus on the ableist tropes I see and the real life effects they have. That is something I CAN focus on, because I've been dealing with it for years from conditions that came onset later in my life. I will be speaking from that perspective, but will be doing my best to try to educate on what I do know from my research to help authors, artists, and creatives create a better portrayal of him in fanworks.

The most common tropes I see with him are what I will call "The Disabled Villain", "The Innacurate Disability", and "The Ignored Disability". There are a few tropes in each, but for ease of organization (and the sake of your (and my) time), I will be talking about them together in these sections. There are also overlaps in many, but I will define the main issues with them.

The Disabled Villain

James Bond, Wonder Woman, The Witches. You name it. You have most likely seen this trope at work in cinema. A malicious evil-doer is revealed to have a "horrid" face symbolic of the true evil within their soul, while the beautiful, able-bodied hero is meant to stop them. It's a trope as old as time, one that goes back to even Plato. Tropes are tropes, people subvert them, so a few cases down the line may be excusable. But that has not been the case For many years, the most prevalent form of representation for disabled people was in these villains. Imagine if the only representation you had for yourself was narratives surrounding how the way you look or what your disability is and have it only be equated to evil people. It leads to a villainization of disabled people. People react to facial differences with disgust, because they are "shown" that it is "evil", or "ugly", or equal to being a horrible person. As stated by The Nora Project, "According to the book Disabilities: Insights from Across Fields and Around the World, disabled students are two to three times more likely to be bullied in comparison to their nondisabled classmates. The disabled villain trope contributes to this phenomenon in overt and subtle ways. For example, the trope implicitly encourages fear of disability and difference, while validating, and even elevating, those who fight against the evil, Disabled Villain. Bullying based on fear and disdain is almost a natural consequence of the trope when viewed in this light". Another big issue is that disabled characters have not been given space to exist outside of villainy. There are not many complex narratives surrounding them. This leads to our disabilities being downplayed, us being dehumanised, and we are seen more like props in real life, or simply tools to achieve a message in a narrative.

Tord's disability is never explicitly shown in the show. It is something more prevalent in Fanon, specifically in fanworks that focus on the "Future" era of the show's timeline, where the narrative and outside discussions on the show implies a high tech society, potentially dystopian, potentially a consequence of his actions. These ideas have taken a life of their own in the fandom, with many creators fully expressing these ideas. The problem arises when Red Leader falls in line with this trope. In many works, he is the sole disabled character, a figure of pure evil, or given little nuance in the narrative. Artists illustrate his scars as bright red, crimson, or, in TBATF, green. For some reason. In this way, they attempt to highlight the villainy by equating him with common symbols of evil: facial differences and disabilities. Unfortunately, these are not just symbols. These are conditions and scars that real people have, which the fandom tends to ignore in favor of dramatization.

This was a trope I most commonly saw explored in fanfiction when I first joined in 2016/17. The show, unfortunately, subtly and accidentally perpetrated it by having the only character visibly and irreparably "damaged" by the giant robot fight be Tord, despite the fact that Tom, who had a whole missile directed at him and got buried under a house, was fine with at most a leg injury and a cut on his arm. Luckily, we have grown past the need for ableist tropes, and the faults of the show can be left in the past!

... Not.

Disability tropes have simply evolved in how the fandom treats Tord. Even if it is now done with more consciousness and sympathy towards his character, ignorance still prevails. Let's talk about common pitfalls people fall into when writing him.

The Inaccurate Disability

In fanon perception, Red Leader is an amputee with a high tech prosthesis and a facial difference resulting from burn scars. Like many disabled characters, he suffers from a collective fandom lack of research. But never fret! That is what I have subjected myself to for the past four years, so your friendly neighborhood disabled Fish can tell you how to right your fandom wrongs! Just kidding! Take this as a pointer, and do your own research.

As is common with fictional prosthetics, his arm prosthetic is treated as a perfect fix for his amputation. It acts just like, if not better than an actual arm. The issue with this is that is isn't realistic. Yes, I know, I'm criticising Eddsworld fanfiction for not being realistic. STAY WITH ME HERE. Once again, if it was one instance, or a few, that explored prosthetics being incredibly functional in science-fiction, then it could be a cool concept. But when every sci-fi work has it, then that is no longer a concept. That is a misconception. And I have interacted with people who believed that prosthetics were 100% functional! The thing is, like all disability aids, it does not suddenly make us able-bodied. For example, I have ear defenders that I wear when I experience pain within my ears. But that does not mean my hearing will now become normal, and I will no longer experience pain from the sound I'm hearing. What WILL happen is that I will straight up not hear you. Like, literally. Can you repeat that? I had my ear defenders on. Oh, you're saying that my ear defenders aren't prosthetics and are not a fair comparison? Well, that's fair, but take this as an illustration of a disability aid and how they differ from able-bodied experiences. Also, many prosthetic users do many things without their prostheses, and some even prefer NOT to wear them. Blogs that explicitly cover disabled representation, such as @/cripplecharacters, have posts that cover WHY many amputees are not fans of this trope. The problem comes with that it erases disability, and yet also treats us like we are given a space at the table of representation. It's just another way that authors avoid actually doing research.

Other things that people tend to ignore are how burn scars, or any scars, would not only appear on a character, but also affect them. I have seen, aside from skin tones that looked like they were picked out of a crayon box instead of what would appear on a person, teeth exposed, wounds that look as if they are fresh from the explosion YEARS after they occurred, and what I like to call "paper shredder" scars. Because instead of them looking like burn or shrapnel scars, it appears as if his skin was put through a shredder. Once again, another consequence of the show's at most-30 second scene with questionable decisions that made massive ripples in the fandom. With the injuries Tord received, it is most likely that he would have two kinds of injuries: a burn on 18% of his body (minimum, based on rule of 9s), and/or shrapnel scars from debris. While shrapnel scars would manifest as darker scars, the burn scar would likely be a hypertrophic scar, as "70% of patients develop hypertrophic scars following burns" (Finnerty et. al). The scars, when healed, are warm toned on the boundaries of their areas and cool in between. When on a pale skintone, they are not too dissimilar, and would therefore not have such a drastic color difference as seen on skin. They would also not go down to the bone or skin, as that would be a completely different kind of injury, and are also commonly done to make him look "scarier", which then aids the Disabled Villain trope. It also treats these scars and injuries more like a work of fiction, rather than something that many real people have experienced, adding to continuous misinterpretations of real life disabilities and facial differences.

For writers wanting to include consequences of burns, what would be more likely to be affected are his hearing, vision, and nerves on the right side of his face, as burn scars can go as deep as nerve endings. Also, burn scars, especially third degree burns, require treatments, such as burn-specific skincare. Scars, especially burn scars, can affect you and become disabling. For artists, the main thing I don't see artists do is draw him with damaged hair follicles. Burn scars damage the scalp and eyebrows, preventing hair growth. I am sorry, but he would not still have fluffy, luscious hair. Do not kill me. He just wouldn't. And if you are saying that he had it in the show, I can't hear you because my ear defenders are on, but I hope you heard me, as we've gone over that the show is inaccurate and we should do our own research.

Even well intentioned authors and artists ignore many aspects of the disabilities he would likely have!

Which brings us to the last trope...

The Ignored Disability

Many well meaning people intend to give him nuance by trying to avoid the Disabled Villain trope. Accidentally, however, they end up completely ignoring his disabilities instead.

Just like the high-tech prosthetic, the real disabling aspects of having a disability are at best rarely mentioned. I have seen, in some fanworks, that he goes straight from amputation to having a prosthetic. And that is where his disability ends. Because the prosthetic ends up being a fix-all situation. Authors refuse, or forget, to include aspects of amputation, such as the healing process, stump or phantom pain. Artists will cover up his scars with a helmet or a mask, another trope that undermines his disabilities and attempts to brush it under the rug. I understand that there is a discomfort for able-bodied authors in thoroughly exploring how a character feels about their disability. That is something I think we should. Avoid. If you're not familiar with the experience of being that minority, you do not need to add commentary on it. And if you do, and it just falls into more negative tropes, I will send a salmon cannon at you (/j). However, I do not agree with brushing every disabling aspect of his life under the rug.

People can assume it's not a problem, like it isn't something blatantly apparent. But, if you assume that disability and being disabled is not a "big thing", you end up where your medication is denied because your insurance refuses to see your common procedure as not a necessary medical intervention because you're "too young". And that is not fiction. That is what inspired me to write this essay, because the day that I got that news was the same day I sat down and told myself that I needed to share my perspective on the perception of disabled characters by honing in on one of my favorite characters and how the fandom treated him.

Disabled characters deserve to be included in media, disability and all, with care given to how their life would operate as a result and what they would experience with their specific disability. That's why many people recommend sensitivity readers who can give proper insight upon that disability and can advise people to properly portray it.

But if you cannot afford or access that resource, what can you do?

Fish's Non-Cohesive List of Ways I Tried to Write Tord as a Non-Amputee Without a Facial Difference

Do research!! The more you are to try to understand what you are writing about, the less you are to misinterpret or misrepresent it.

Look into resources that focus on portraying disabled characters, especially with those you wish to write about. Read blogs, research tropes that are common in disabled characters, and hell, read medical journals. They can provide great insight (<< nerd who likes reading medical journals)

Include more disabled characters. Make the other boys be disabled! Want to be canon compliant? Create OCs who have disabilities! I have a bunch! It's 2024! Be cringe and be free! The character's disability would go against the traditional narrative form of "usefulness"? I'm an animator who can't wear headphones and a theatre performer who can't physically handle the volume of a band. And yet, we find ways to persist, to exist. We will always find our way to live in the way we want to, in whatever way we can.

Look into disability activism. Learn the difference between the Medical Model and Social Model of disability. Know what an invisible disability is. Listen to us when we say that we don't want to be treated as special or an inspiration for simply living (inspiration porn). The more you are aware of what we struggle in real life, the more aware you will be to not repeat those mistakes in your fiction.

Write what you can. Highlight little talked about aspects of having a burn scar or being an amputee, such as the recovery, or treatment for the chronic pain, or how different he would be in battle due to decreased depth perception. As a disabled author, I have personally touched on the experience of gaining a disability later in life, and how he copes with it. Now, not all of y'all can do that. But that is a personal experience I do have, and it is something I have highlighted in my own work. So, while I couldn't tell you the ins and outs of having a burn scar or a prosthetic arm, I could describe the shock and frustration that comes with suddenly experiencing difficulties, or even being unable to do what you had done before.

I ask that, if you are willing to do better, or to start on the right foot, you take what I have written, reflect on it, and treat disabled characters, and in turn, disabled people, better from here on out.

Fiction is not reality, but the way we deal with it is reflective of who we are and what we believe. The boundary for our own personal being does not suddenly stop within fiction. When we interact and interpret it and create for it, it is integral that we remain conscious that bigotry runs rampant, albeit often as an unseen force, within fandom spaces, and do our best to counteract that.

I have doubts that the new eddisode will treat this topic with the same respect. I hope you can all go forward with what you have read in this WAY LONGER than I expected essay, and do what those grown British men cannot. Even if they erase it, retconn it, or do not treat it with respect, let's all go forward and do better!

As for always, you can discuss more in the tags or my inbox!

I hope you have a wonderful life,

Fish

[olderthannetfic]

Ancient argument, but I still just do not get how the explanation for why mainstream source material is all about men is OBVIOUSLY because Hollywood is a misogynist culture dominated by men, so OBVIOUSLY the solution to get more stories about women is to support way more women creators, but also, OBVIOUSLY the reason why fanfiction is all about men is because fandom is primarily women creators, so OBVIOUSLY the solution is ?????

--

Well, you could start by not conflating all the arguments into a silly strawman, anon.

Do I need to put in the fucking FFN vs. Wattpad vs. AO3 shipping chart?

Don't come to the gay bookstore and act surprised about what you find.

Fandom is not all about male characters. Slash fandom is, for obvious reasons. It's just that most dumbass analysis ignores how and when female characters are popular.

For example, Darcy Lewis circa 2012 got a lot of that same little black dress OOC drivel treatment that other fannish faves do, and it was great. Did I read a bunch of badfic where she had Loki's baby or whatever? I sure did! But that wasn't good enough because whiny little babies thought boring Jane was the character everyone ought to care about. It was ~offensive~ that there was more meme-y nonsense fic for Darcy/Jensen from The Losers than for [virtuous but boring ship]. How dare, how dare, etc. (Darcy/Jensen made perfect sense! The only possible objection is that it should be a threesome with Cougar!)

Tony/Pepper was an actual ship people cared about in 2012. No, it wasn't just an over-tagged side ship in m/m fic... It's just that those het writers had no reason to switch to AO3 at the time and may never have uploaded their old work.

Despite what the haters think, plenty of those het juggernauts like Dramione or Reylo are full of fics by women who really like the female lead, not just the male one. There are whole communities of people writing OFC/blorbo and supporting the other writers who do this. I used to read all the Ardeth Bay/OFC stuff back in the day. I've never been into readerfic, but there again, plenty of people are quite into a f!reader character. Haters will mischaracterize all this stuff as a nonentity plus a hot guy, but that's not necessarily the case.

Video game fandoms are awash with f!player-centric fic.

Anything where you're making up the woman has women writing women.

Mainstream Hollywood trash with poorly-written women and/or women only in the feelings babysitter role and not the hot mess/woobie/deadpan snarker/pop culture-obsessed wisecracking geek/etc. roles doesn't always generate fanfiction because fanfiction builds on what is already there. If there is no appealing lady there, that is not what the fandom will build on.

But in general, women absolutely do write fic about female characters.

The only reason I don't have a billion more examples is that I personally tend to ship m/m for a host of reasons that you can find in all of the tedious "Why slash?" meta going back to the 1970s. I don't personally particularly like self-inserting, and I especially don't like doing it as a woman.

Don't come up to my face or the faces of other AO3y types and go "You know, the world would be better if you just gendered harder!"

Go find some women who experience more gender euphoria around their assigned gender. They're often not found in slash spaces. Maybe try the Romantasy girlies.

The fact that you can't find women writing aspirational or wish fulfillment female protagonists is because you are too stupid to live, not because it doesn't happen.

[ultrabean]

Hi.

I just want to preface this by welcoming all my new followers, and to also apologise for your subsequent disappointment upon reading this. I also want to thank all of my past followers for all the love and support, happy 2k. It'll probably stay there after this, I bet.

Now, I know many of you have seen my vent posts, especially those where I thought of comitting suicide. I thank you for the concern, I apologise for upsetting a lot of you and I think I owe you some kind of explanation for why I felt that way and also the lack of updates. When I'm stressed or anxious I tend to crash out impulsively. One of those ways is just blurting out my frustrations somewhere until I calm down.

One of the main reasons I've been holding off of Redeemer's Path is because I lowkey want to wait until Deltarune is fully completed, because with the new lore in chapters 3 and 4 it's given me some ideas on how I can continue my AU but the unfortunate part of that is that now there's a lot of plot holes in my comic that I have to retcon. That and also my impostor syndrome has been leadng me to think I'm a bad writer and an artist. If it's not perfect then it's nothing.

So in the meantime that's why I've been trying to work on another part of my AU. Still the same story, just a different point in time.

I know a lot of you have said that I don't have to please you guys by constantly posting updates of redeemer's path and that I should focus on my life, prioritise my mental health and whatnot. Now, I completely understand that what you mean.

However.

It's not just you that I want to make this for. I'm also doing this for me.

I have a lot of high expectations for myself.

If my quality and output doesn't live up to my standards then I am worthless.

A while back I recieved an anonymous ask that got me thinking.

The anon said that I didn't need to earn my place in fandom through art and writing, and while I understood what they said, that statement also deeply terrfied me. To an almost absurd and irrational extent.

You see, when I first discovered Undertale in mid to late 2022 I was 16 at the time. I was going through an extreme mental rough patch at that time and it brought me so much joy and levity, not just the game itself but also watching comic dubs, and all the art that came from the fandom.

I loved it so much that, then and there I staked my entire mental wellbeing, my happiness and sense of self on enjoying it to it's fullest extent, and that to me, meant engaging in everything and anything I could possibly do in the fandom. Making fanart, shipping, making AUs, whatever. To 16-year old me, I had basically convinced myself that I had found "my calling". I MUST enjoy doing anything UTDR related, I HAVE to create something and express myself rather than just... sit on my ass and do nothing about it.

It's because of those feelings I got that I genuinely wanted to create something for myself. A story I (and my teenage self) would have wanted to see. Not only to bring myself a sense of fulfilment by proving I was here but also giving others the same feeling I got when first getting into this game and its fandom.

I, stupidly, selfishly want to effectively cram a decade's worth of human experience into my output because I feel like I missed out on so many things.

It's stupid.

It's not possible, and it's never going to be.

But you have no idea how fucking badly I want it.

It's because of this that I forced myself to think that doing this can and should make me happy, and without it I basically have no purpose.

I love to draw.

I HAVE to draw.

I am no one if I don't draw, because outside of strict obligations just to live I don't think there is anything I actually, from the bottom of my heart, truly want do do more than just create. If I stop drawing the person who typed this out is effectively dead. A literal ghost. Nothing. I am nothing without creating.

When I was a kid I was like, ass-deep in fnaf. And I also wanted to make comics for it, it's just that at that time I had no social media, nor did I have any proper methods of digital art.

I made them by drawing in random notebooks with a pencil. They were probably really shit, but I remember I loved doing it. Then, the moment I hit a roadblock where there was a panel I couldn't draw due to my skill level, I'd just... give up entirely. And then forget about it. Which probably speaks to the quality of the ideas I had, which is to say I had no ideas. I would literally just write it at the seat of my pants with vague ideas of important scenes I wanted to include. Basically like how Scott himself wrote fnaf lol.

The main issue is that now, I have a great idea. A genuinely amazing one that I love so, so goddamn much. And that thakfully, a lot of you seem to as well.

It hurts, because it feels like I'm scared I might not be able to execute it. I'm terrified, because I fear that as I am approaching adulthood I may never be able to find my 16-year old self's fulfilment.

I'm worried that I won't be able to achieve hapiness before my soul is utterly eviscerated with college, work and adulthood (that part's happening already, I wish I never woke up again after 2019). Before I get too old and creepy and it's considered problematic to write romance between teenagers.

It's also the reason I get so frustrated whenever I hit a wall during production. It's because I know it will take time. And I don't think I have time. Not before I start feeling miserable.

And I know this sounds selfish of me, but seeing so many other unfinished AUs gives me such existential dread. Those which were never completed because their creators either moved on, or got sick of the thing they used to love so much, or just life itself getting in the way. Those AUs which never could have reached their fullest potential simply because the people behind them burned out from doing it.

It reminds me that despite everything, even in the face of my hopes and dreams I am not a machine. I am not a god. Fate will come for me too, and I will never find that lovecraftian sense of fulfiment.

The problem is that I imagined my audience as myself, with my own expectations. I wanted so badly, to never make my younger self feel disappointed that the thing they enjoyed consuming so much was suddenly cut short, or fell short of his expectations.

The main issue is that, after both breaks from my pre-university foundation year I found myself too burned out to properly get into the full swing of working on Redeemer's Path. And I fear that once uni starts it will be the same. And I'll be stuck forever.

I don't want to admit I'm losing interest.

I don't want to admit I feel miserable while making this. I'm not supposed to feel this way, I'm supposed to be happy.

Because if I do admit it it's acknowledging that I've lost.

That I've failed you.

That I've failed myself.

That I am a disappointment.

That in the past one and a half months, during this gracious second chance I'd been given to actually lock the fuck in, I have been sitting on my ass and doing nothing.

What if I never come back?

What if I just up and leave without ever perfecting everything I'm supposed to do?

I look at different AUs all around me, all made just by regular people but loved by millions. I don't know how some of them even manage to break 200 pages. I don't even know how some people even manage to finish doing this shit.

I know so may of you think I'm being ridiculous.

I know so many of you have told me to be kinder to myself, to think positively and keep going.

I know so many of you have told me "there is no set pace, only the pace you go at."

I know this is a byproduct of a childhood growing up under a capitalistic grindset, forcing me to think that I NEED to make more, and make it faster.

But I'm really struggling to do that when the perpetrator of these thoughts lives inside your own skull. Thinking positively usually works for a short while until my brain stops believing me and I need external proof that what I'm thinking has merit to it.

So... blabbering aside, what does this all mean for Redeemer's Path?

Well, this is a word I hate using of because the way I've seen it being used it usually means bye bye forever.

I'm going on a hiatus.

I don't know how long.

Or if I'm even coming back.

I may work on things behind the scenes a little, but I don't know.

Again I would like to apologise, not just to all of you for this disappointng news, but also to my younger self.

I failed you.

For all your daydreams and enthusiasm I failed to give you a fulfiling release.

To all the uh, comic dubbers who have reached out to me (especially you, Paramasquerade, it's been damn near an eterinity since our last chat) I'm sorry that you caught wind of my AU at a really bad time. Pun somewhat intended.

I think, as stupid and as wish-fulfilling as this sounds I genuinely wish I got into undertale when I was a kid, with all the skills, tools and knowledge I have now so that I'd just have more time.

I feel ashamed to keep the masterpost up like some sort of fucking clown, but if you want it, here.

So, this is goodbye for now. I really don't know what more I can say.

[once-a-shape]

Well. I think it was bound to happen eventually SJCBSJDHW

Due to how sporadic my motivation tends to be and how bad my focus can be at times, along with how vastly my life's changed since i first started this blog, I'm going to be turning once-a-shape into a regular fandom sideblog, simply for posting about my little guys because im Still too attached to them.

I won't be getting rid of asks entirely though, those are still an option! just, don't expect it to be too linear. The old posts will also remain up for archival purposes, since honestly this blog was where my proper fandom experiences began, and so it means a lot to me- to see how far i've come, and how it used to be back then.

While I'm at it, since the blog is not an ask blog anymore,,, might as well share some of the concept art I had from 2019/2020/2021 for it!! You can also have the old playlist I made for the event that I had planned before I restarted the blog!

[bunnwich]

It's Supposed to Be Fun

(a letter to my friends in the twst fandom)

I've been wanting to make this post for a while and these thoughts may seem scattered but I’m gonna try to express them. 

Lately, I have seen many friends and moots that either are leaving the fandom or feel guilty over not having posted in a while or losing interest in twst. On the other side, I also have friends being harassed.

This a reminder to remember why you joined this community to begin with. I know that keeping up with the fast-moving pace of fandom and comparing ourselves to others, can skew our perspective on these things.

It’s supposed to be fun. 

Why do we post art or write? Sure, partly for recognition, there's no denying that. But, why do we create, I mean really? For enjoyment. Not for others, not to be “popular” FOR JOY.

So, whether you’re dealing with people critiquing you or feeling guilty about not creating. My question is this: Why waste so much of your time on something that makes you miserable?

Did it stop being fun? Why? Haters? Loss of interest?

To my friends who feel guilty for not creating and not sure if they lost interest in twst: 

Don’t feel guilty. At one time, the creation of your twst content was natural. It's what you did for fun with friends or for yourself. Revisit that mindset and think - if creating twst content now will bring that same joy it did before.

If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to pivot. It’s okay for interests to fade. It doesn’t mean that time, memories, or the friends you made are lost. Connect with your friends, we will understand! We still love you! It's not a race there's no time limit, just pick up were you want to. Draw fanart of old events or OCs.

To my friends who have been harassed: 

I say this with sincerity…. People who harass others over fictional characters are fucking losers.

Like… There’s no other eloquent way to encapsulate it. I’m starting to not care for the reason anymore - If you harass or be shady to others over a ship or fictional character. CONGRATS! YOU ARE A LOSER.

We all join fandoms as a hobby, for fun. We’re all just kids in the sandbox playing pretend again… and if you are the type of person to go up just to “kick the doll out of someone’s hand" or make commentary on how “their way of playing is wrong." You’re a loser. I have a life outside of twst, we all do. Someone saying my ship is wrong or cringe is just so laughable to me. We have to make fun of these people more for being so goddamn lame.

Imagine being so unhappy that when you see someone having fun you HAVE to comment on it. By all means, if it gets you through the day...talk shit to close friends or even post about it on your own blog. (THAT WAS ALWAYS ALLOWED.) Don't bother creators directly. Don't be a loser. I sure see tolerance leave people’s bodies when they see a fandom opinion they don't like. (And this is coming from someone who has lots of opinions on these things! But that's why I always put the disclaimers that, hey this is just MY opinion.)

Discussion is one thing, unhelpful comments are another. We shouldn’t give these people the time of day. Curate your online space. Yes, when you post things online you are subjecting yourself to scrutiny. But, we as creators need to stop letting these people have power over us. Period. We do this for free!! FOR FUN. The best thing you can do is create shamelessly.

Delete weird replies, block whoever you need to do to rid yourself of these people who have nothing better to do. Keep your peace. It’s supposed to be for fun. You don’t owe anyone a response.

The twst fandom is like a little family to me and I guess I feel protective over the people in it?  I have made many friends and memories because I joined it. And even dispite a handful of the negative experiences (AKA: A couple of “losers" that I’ve had to deal with.) I’ll always look fondly back on this time.

The key for me has always been to just…create for myself. I originally made bunnwich for me and one friend to make fun little arts about our Yuu’s and now I get to have lots of friends to share it with! I’ve transitioned from an OC blog to probably more of an Oc x Canon blog…but I don’t care tbh. I just…draw what I feel like. I know there are people who probably dislike me for that or feel strange about my content and that’s fine. I’m still gonna keep drawing it, loser.  

And I just want you guys to do the same, twst or not.

I can’t forget that all my followers and friends are a bonus, if I had never joined tumblr I’d still be drawing the silly shit I draw in peace. And while yes, I do want to grow as an artist and sell more merch and keep growing... I can’t forget my initial excitement for this silly little game. I like to talk about it. I like to write about it. It inspires me.

It’s supposed to be fun. Please remember that. I know it can be discouraging to have others being shitty to you. Or going through a creative drought. But, try not to let this stop you from creating what you love.

[demonslayerunhinged]

Unhinged rant >:(

Demon Slayer fandom discourse

I want to start this by saying, I know that Demon Slayer isn't an explicitly queer manga/anime because Shōnen Jump, but I believe that Demon Slayer is for the queers and has lots of themes that we can identify with like love, acceptance, loss, guilt and strength.

Despite what these stupid, smelly, ignorant, power-scaling, non-ass-washing, Cheetos-dust-snorting, once-a-month-showering, dude-bros would have you believe, Demon Slayer isn't just another battle Shōnen anime/manga, it's a love story and about the perseverance of the human spirit and if that doesn't speak to the queer experience then I don't know what does.

Plus, I don't know how Gotogue-sensei is as a person, but I think the fact that she managed to make one of the kindest mcs in shōnen speaks volumes about her disposition. I don't think she would be one to reject queer fans identifying with her story so well.

In these recent times, it seems like everything is going to shit, the world is slowly regressing into the dark ages destroying decades of progress and trying to distract ourselves from all this by engaging with the fandoms we love is hard because everything seems to cater to cis, straight, white men.

To be honest, I created this blog mostly out of spite, but I also wanted to carve out a tiny space for myself where I can talk out of my ass and not have some decrepit reddit dude bro go all 'well, ackshually ☝🤓' on me, and I'm happy to have met so many like-minded people.

So, I've compiled a list of answers to the common types of nonsense drivel these fuckers post in response to shipping and queer discussions and theories about Demon Slayer. You can copy and paste whenever and wherever you encounter these black holes of ignorance and stupidity if you want.

In the Taisho era, there were no gay/queer people: This is one of the dumbest statements I've ever heard, and the fact that it's a really common response really shows how we've failed as a society. Queer people have existed for ages all over the world, Japan has an extensive queer history. Demon Slayer is based on samurai culture and samurai culture was really, really, really, really, really, really, really gay. Sure, it had rigid roles, but that doesn't make it any less queer. A quick Google search would go a long way to nourish that dried-out, shrivelled husk you call a brain. Go read a book you walking condom ad, your parents and education system have obviously failed you.

It's forcing sexuality into the story: We literally had a whole season dedicated to the mcs going to the 'entertainment district', we have a sexy man with three wives who talks about 'loving' them all equally, we have the abundant male fanservice, one of the mcs talks about women on the daily, we have a boy who eats demons and is horny shy around girls all the time, we have his brother who exposes his tits because he's proud of them, we have a demon who was essentially a sexual predator that targeted 16-year-old girls and ate them, the main villain shape-shifts into a woman to 'get' information as a Geisha, we have a girl who literally lusts after almost everyone she meets but yea no lets not force sexuality into it 🙄.

I don't care: Okay cool, but I value your opinion as much as I value the shit I took this morning.

It's who they are as a character that matters: Sexuality is a part of a person's character. Your sexuality defines your experiences, decisions, options and outlook on life. That's why you as a straight man can be so ignorant.

It's forced*(I really hate this one): Honestly, fuck you. Why is it that you only think something is forced when it doesn't revolve around you and your experiences? You guys are fine with tons of anime/manga that sexualize women and girls to an insane degree even when it doesn't make sense, but that doesn't stop you from consuming and glazing the hell out of the authors, but when we talk about including queer characters suddenly it's forced? Your existence is forced, and you can just eat shit.

I don't like it: Who the fuck do you think you are dictating how other people consume and interpret the media they consume? How about you go hump your smelly, cum-encrusted anime body pillow.

Men can be touchy/emotional with each other without it being gay, it's just our western standards: No it isn't the majority of shipping activities and works come from Japan, which wouldn't happen if it was just part of their culture. We're not stupid, we know men and boys can be friends without it being sexual, and we know when a friendship is just that, and then we know when two guys are straight up pining for one another.

It's not canon/the mangaka didn't explicitly state it: They can't because of Shōnen Jump, so a lot of them pass off information about a character through subtext, metaphors and allegories. They also don't have to, things don't have to outright stated or 'canon' for them to make sense and if you need them to be so for you to understand or enjoy the story then a moment of silence for your head since it's without a brain.

It's not common: Despite Shōnen Jump, there are lots of mainstream anime/manga that have queer characters: One Punch Man, Hunter x Hunter, Dr. Stone, Windbreaker, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Naruto, Gintama, Dragon Ball Z, My Hero Academia, Fairy Tail, One Piece, Attack on Titan, Tokyo Ghoul, Jujutsu Kaisen, Chainsaw Man, Blue Period and that's not to talk of the ones with queer subtext like I dunno ALL Sports anime/manga to ever exist!

Why do you look for LGBTQ in everything?: It might be hard for straights to understand but growing up queer and looking for a connection causes us to develop what we call a gaydar that helps us identify characteristics, mannerisms, features and vibes from a person that screams 'ONE OF US! ONE OF US!'. It's only natural, and our gaydar doesn't suddenly turn off when we're consuming media, especially when it's media that we love and hold dear to our hearts. It doesn't matter if the mangaka inserted these characteristics intentionally or not, that doesn't stop us from picking up on them, and why should it?

Shipping is stupid: So is power-scaling, but that doesn't stop you assholes from making thousands of posts, creating YouTube channels and sharing content about it and cramming it down our throats. It's even worse because it's from grown-ass men.

The characters have no chemistry/they hate each other: A lot of queer ships have more chemistry, history, interactions, personality and development than a lot of 'canon' straight couples. It's literally a trope in media that all a man and a woman need to be in a relationship is to be in close proximity to each other, then their relationship goes on to be drier than salted crackers in silicone packets scattered in the Sahara desert. Well, I guess you can't blame the creators, you write what you know after all.

I know this is a lot and I know how angry I sound right now, but I'm so sick and so tired of all these guys who are as useful to the human race as pieces of freshly shat out dog turds that have been thrown in the grass by the sidewalk in a hot summer afternoon, who can't see past their lice-infested neck beards trying to make something as colorful, interesting, joyful and queer as anime and the fandoms fit their own boring, stupid and misogynistic worldview.

In Conclusion, Demon Slayer is amazing, horny* and unbelievably queer.

*I'm talking about the male fanservice btw :)

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

This is complaining day because I realized there's more than one thing that got on my nerves lately and it's not just about the treatment of a kpop idol's mother. Let's begin.

Please, stop refering to Jungkook's mother as mama Jeon. I know the tendency is to ignore so many of the cultural differences that exist, but in SK, people don't change their surname after marriage. It just sounds idiotic and westernized in a ridiculous way.

So, Jungkook's mother loves all BTS members. She LOVES them all. How does army know that? How? I'm genuinely curious and genuinely asking. Because they say it as a certainty. Or, forgive me if my memory is faulty as well, but the only instance that we as outsiders were privy to in which we heard that woman speak for the first time, it was in early 2021 on another phonecall with Jungkook when she said I love you to Jimin.

Of course, the same ot7 narrative came as a buldozer at that time too. Damn, does that mean Jimin = BTS? Sometimes yes, but only when Army wants to diminish Jimin's importance and doesn't allow him to stand out individually too much. Musically or otherwise. But back to this Big Love that Jungkook's mom is supposedly feeling for everyone and which has been invoked once again when that woman mentioned Jimin twice while talking to Jungkook on the phone. Cause she already knew they were in Jeju. I bet she didn't have to find out randomly from a schedule group chat.

So what happens? An assumption is turned into certainty because of small people being extremely insecure. Because they see that one person is once again given more importance on a personal level and we can't have that. No sir! So in a panic, they tweet, they post on tumblr, tiktok, youtube the old age, boring af, sounding like a broken record sentence: "Mama Jeon loves all seven". Fuck me gently with a chainsaw cause that sounds a lot better than the feeling of throwing up I get whenever I read such things.

No, she doesn't love all of them. That is not a fact. It could be true and it's not impossible. But it is not a fact based on the knowledge we have at the moment.

Also, it shows once again that an entire fandom is actively creating a reality of their own which is not even like some sort of simulacrum of the reality they must live through. In Army world, the mother of one member of a k-pop group must love all the members of such group. It doesn't matter than irl, our mothers a lot of the times don't even like all our friends, besties or partners. We might have the most incredible connections and it would mean nothing to our mothers.

In that same vein, another narrative that makes me want to pull my eyes out is the "awww, their bond is to die for, they are (like) siblings after all". Do any of them never had any siblings? Never saw other people and their relationship with their siblings? Or with their family?

I also had to read (which was followed by me blocking it immediately) how Jimin and Jungkook's relationship is the sum of the other relationships they have with other BTS members. I mean, why would I have any sort of expectations from any of these people when they are completely incapable of looking at JM and JK as actual people. As persons with individual minds and an intellect of their own. Let alone the fact that their world does not stop with the presence of 5 other men. In what realistic scenario does this translate in real life? That's not how it works. Yes, we are social creatures and a product of our surroundings, but it is not in the way in which these stans believe it to be. They think that living in a dorm for a few years and working together with other people, it means that those experiences are the only ones that actually shape the personality of a person. They are real people, not fictional characters. I've never heard such ridiculous theories in my entire life, to be used as talking points about someone's behavior or relationship with another person.

Maybe the need to create this elaborate fantasy comes from the lack of love in their life, which then gets projected into this Disney, kumbaya, capitalist heaven narrative in which everyone is a big family and they love each other so much and equally and all the parents of all the children love every single member and thus, harmony is created. Love is always platonic and ever present. The complexity of human relationships must not exist.

[knickynoo]

Hey hey! New BTTF fan here! I've been obsessed with the franchise for a bit now and I've done everything from reading the comics to watching the telltale game and reading fanfics and reading your blog (you have no idea how much your blog satisfies my cravings for new content) and I was wondering if you had any recommendations for fanfictions and fanartists :D

Hello! Welcome! I love the Telltale game so much. It's great that there are so many extensions of the movies for us to sink our teeth into. And I'm happy you're enjoying my blog :)

I'm not super familiar with fanartists in the fandom, but here are a handful of some great fics.

• "It Can Be Cruel Sometimes" by Anakin_McFly : A short little fic dealing with Marty's existential crisis post trilogy events. Ends on a sweet note.

• "Time to Time" by kathkin (aka @penny-anna): This one is just. It's incredible, okay? I return to this one over and over just to experience how beautiful it is.

• "A Bubble, Bursting" also by kathkin : After years missing, Marty returns home not any older and with a ridiculous explanation as to where he's been. Love the complexity of this one and the heavy inclusion of Linda!

• "No Little Plans" by cleflink : I think this was one of the first BTTF fics I came across when I got back into the fandom. Doc and Marty go on a trip to the World's Fair and, as usual for them, things go terribly wrong. But this is a lovely fic with some great Doc and Marty friendship moments. Einie is there too!

• "Now I Am Become Death" by @bg-sparrow : A great fic about Doc's involvement in The Manhattan Project. Really well done.

• The "Time Circuits Series" also by BGSparrow is also fantastic.

• "Time is a Flat Circle" by ThePhenomenalStingray (aka @fourth-dimensional-thinker) : Truly one of the most unique and well executed concepts I've come across in the fandom. It's so good.

• "'Cause I Might Not Make It Back" by @rose-of-pollux : A rival scientist is after the secrets of time travel, and Marty gets himself stuck in the middle of it all—with amnesia, no less. So on brand for him. I loved this fic.

• "The Impossible and the Improbable" by @rose-of-pollux : This is a short but fun one that brings Marty and Doc face to face with the supernatural. I'm a sucker for anything that integrates Marty's Irish background into the story, and I love the idea that he grew up hearing Irish folklore.

• "Until I Get Home" by @daryfromthefuture : This one is an epic 30 chapters long, so great if you're looking for a fic really savor. I love stuck in 1885 fics, and I think Dary wins the award for most time poured into a fic about it. Angst, friendship, and our boys trapped in the Old West. Lots to enjoy in this one.

Whew! That was more than a handful, wasn't it? It was so hard to pick these because a lot of these authors have written countless other ones I've enjoyed, but I'll let you explore their works for yourself! I didn't include any of my own fics on here (is it weird to put your own fics in a rec list??) but if you've been through my blog, you've probably read some!

Thanks for the ask, and happy reading!

[youatemylollipop]

I saw that you write for mha. Can you write first time (nsfw) touya x reader? Thx 🥰

Synopsis: You're tired of being the only one lacking experience in the s*x department, so when Touya suddenly suggests that you accompany him to a party, you decide to take him up on the offer. Who would have thought that this would lead to a steamy session with your childhood friend in his car?

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Characters: Touya Todoroki X Female Reader

WARNING: Childhood friends to lovers, college and no quirks au. First time, loss of virginity, kinda(?) soft dom! Touya, he's an asshole but has low-key a soft spot for the reader, explicit sexual content, oral sex (m.receiving), dirty talk, Touya calls reader slut a couple of times, MDNI!!

Word Count: 10.5K

“What’s the farthest you've gone with a girl?” You suddenly ask, tilting your head curiously as you turn to face him as he drives the car. 

Touya raises an eyebrow as he glances at you. He's quiet for a few moments before responding in a more casual tone. 

"As in, how many girls have I dated or...? Are you asking if I've... You know... Done the naughty?" 

“Yes,” you confirm blatantly. “I meant the naughty.” 

Touya sighs and looks ahead again, a slight blush on his cheeks. “How’d I know that’s where you were going to go with that question…”

His tone is teasing but there’s a hint of irritation there. He slows down slightly and pulls over to the side of the road, putting the car in park before giving you a look from the corner of his eye. 

“And why do you even care?”

“So…?” You trailed off, ignoring his question as you eye him with a scrutinizing gaze, waiting for him to say openly that yes, he’s had sex.

Touya groans and rubs his eyes, already feeling this conversation becoming annoying. Though that’s probably more because of who it’s coming from and less because of the actual subject matter. 

“Yes, alright…”

He finally caves. You’re like a child that’s curious and has a lot of questions about things they maybe shouldn’t be so curious about. Maybe it’s your own childishness rubbing off on him.

“Yes. I have.”

“So you’ve done the deed?” You continue to ask, just to make sure—and maybe just to annoy him. 

“You’ve gone all the way? Like actually putting your sword in someone else’s cave?” The way you’re describing it makes him roll his eyes and look away, the blush on his cheeks deepening just a bit. 

“Goddamnit… Yes. I have.” Now he just looks amused by the ridiculous way in which you’re asking this question.

“Ok.” Was all you said, before turning your attention back to the window.

He raises an eyebrow at that. Something’s bugging him slightly. Why is there suddenly so much interest in this? He doesn’t mind talking about his sex life, especially since it’s you he’s talking to. Though you’re kind of… weird about it. 

“Why do you even care so much?”

“Because I’ve never done it,” you admit, turning to look out the window, sounding very much like a sulking brat. “I’ve never done anything like that with a guy.”

Touya turns his head to look at you, an eyebrow raised. He had a small hunch that was what you were gonna say though it still took him by surprise. When he speaks, his voice is calm but a bit teasing. 

“Sounds like somebody’s salty that they haven’t done it yet.”

You huff, pouting at his attitude. “Yes I’m salty! Who’s gonna be willing to date a 19 year old college student that’s got zero experience? I haven’t even had my first kiss yet,” you complain with the same bratty attitude. 

“Show me some sympathy, asshole.”

Even though he’s clearly trying not to, Touya snickers. He can’t seem to help the slight smirk that has formed on his lips. You’re so cute when you’re being a pouty brat like this. 

“You say that as if it’s the end of your existence, or as if it’ll never happen. You are being overdramatic, you know that right?”

“I hope that I’ll meet someone at the party tonight,” you continue, ignoring him. “You’re friends are going to be there, right? Do you think I can kiss one of them?”

That gets the reaction he was hoping for. Touya turns to you, giving you a raised eyebrow as his lips curl into a smirk. “Oh? You want to kiss one of my friends?” 

He’s quiet for another moment before smirking a bit and speaking again. “What about me? Maybe you could kiss me instead?”

“You’re not being funny,” you roll your eyes, not taking him seriously. “I just want to get it over with, I hope that at least one of them is hot enough.”

Touya lets out a small laugh at that as he looks away from you, the smirk on his lips growing into a small grin. Damn, you’re being a brat but for some reason it’s kind of hot. 

“Oh come on, surely I’m hot enough. You should kiss me instead.”

You were about to retort until something clicked in your mind. “Wait, are you for real?”

Touya raises his eyebrow a bit, his grin widening as he notices the shift in your attitude from petulant brat to actually thinking about it. He shrugs as his lips turn into a smirk, looking back at you for a brief moment before looking back at the road again.

"Sure, I'm for real. Why shouldn't I be?"

“Won’t it be, I don’t know—weird?” You ask with furrowed eyebrows.

“What do you mean by ‘weird’? I mean we’ve known each other since we were kids. What’s weird about us kissing?” He keeps smirking and speaks playfully, not seeming to take the concept too seriously. Of course he is, but he’s not making it too obvious. 

You eye him skeptically for a brief moment before deciding to let it go. “Alright, if you say so.”

He can’t help the satisfied grin that comes across his lips. It was probably a bit easier than expected to convince you. After all, the two of you have been so close since you were kids.

“You gonna kiss me or what?”

You let out a half amused snort before unbuckling your seatbelt and crawling over to him so that you were now seated on his lap, with your legs spread out on either side of his hips. There is a mix of excitement and nervousness in your actions as you lick your lips, wrapping your arms loosely around his neck. 

“So, am I just supposed to lean in?” You ask.

Touya just lets out a small hum as he takes his seat belt off as well, watching as you crawl over to him and sit on his lap. For a moment, he says nothing, a smirk still on his lips as he gazes at you. Finally, he speaks with a more confident and teasing tone. 

“Yeah. Just lean in… Make sure to aim for my lips, though. Don’t miss.” 

You roll your eyes at his so called ‘instructions’, but do as he says anyways. The action is slow and once you get extremely close to his face you hesitate for a moment. 

“Tell me if I do something wrong,” you mumble out before finally going in for the kill, closing your eyes as your lips finally touch. 

As soon as he sees the motion coming, he meets you in the middle, closing his eyes as your lips finally brush against each other’s as well. For a moment all Touya can do is sigh softly, your scent filling his nostrils, his fingers tightening around your waist as his face heats up. 

Finally he speaks again. His voice is slightly breathless. “That’s not bad, but go again…with a bit more passion this time.”

You adjust yourself on his lap to sit more comfortably before speaking. “Uhm, can you show me how?”

Touya snickers at that. You really haven’t done this before, have you? He thinks to himself amusedly. 

“Sure… I’ll show you…”

Finally his hands start to move, slowly wrapping around you before one hand reaches the back of your head. Leaning forward slightly, as his other hand presses you down a bit more, he leans in and takes control of the kiss. 

It turns into a deeper kiss, as his hands work on your body. The movements of his mouth against yours are more precise now, his tongue beginning to explore the depths of your mouth with confidence.

His grip becomes slightly tighter, his hands digging slightly into you as his arms almost seem to constrict you from the back. His lips are demanding, moving against yours with pressure. He pulls you in ever so slightly and then lets you go, repeating the same motion over and over again, trying to show you how to kiss and how to get into it.

You pull away after a while, feeling slightly breathless as you try to calm yourself from that kiss. “Whoa.”

Touya lets you go as he lets out a soft chuckle. He lets his hands stay where they are, still wrapped around your waist as he looks at you with a grin. After a bit he speaks up again, speaking casually as he leans back in the seat. 

“Not bad… But here.” 

His body moves again, this time more slowly, as he brings you back in as he presses you against his lips again. He moves his hands to grab the nape of your neck, pulling you forward and making the kiss even deeper than before. The ravenette holds you there for another moment before finally letting you go again, speaking with a confident tone. 

“There,” a hand runs through your hair as he leans back in the seat a bit. Touya looks at you with a soft smirk on his lips. 

“See? Like that,” he speaks before adding teasingly. “Are you sure you haven’t kissed before?”

Your cheeks are flushed as you pant softly, trying to regain some form of composure. “That was—“ you gulp, letting out a shaky breath. “Awesome.”

Touya chuckles at your reaction, the soft smirk still on his lips. His body relaxes a bit as he leans back in the seat again. The way you react and your inexperience is almost adorable. But it’s also a lot of fun. 

“I can show you more than just how to kiss if you want…” He says, teasing you a little.

“Really?” You breathe out as your panting slowly calms down. 

“I can feel you, down there.” You mutter softly, gesturing towards his obvious bulge.

Touya lets out a quiet chuckle in response. He moves one hand slowly to your rear, letting it rest on your backside. With the other hand he plays with a lock of your hair before speaking in a teasing, raspy voice.

“Oh… You can feel that, can you?”

“Yeah…” You mumble with a mix of shyness and eagerness. “Can I see it?”

Touya laughs as he feels his body heating up once again. He keeps his hand on your rear and shifts his body closer so that you’re basically straddling him. Your thighs are pressed right up against his waist and his other hand reaches up to the side of your face.

“Are you sure you want to see it?”

“Please…?” You add, lips jutting out as you do so.

Touya lets out a soft sigh, his breath hitched a bit. Your bratty pout is both annoying and cute at the same time. “Such an impatient brat…” 

His tone is still teasing but he finally lets out a small sigh. With his hand still on the side of your face, his other hand reaches down to unbuckle his belt, undoing it slowly. All you can hear is the subtle sound of a zipper being undone and pants unzipped as his hand disappears from your side. He lets out a brief grumble before speaking again, his tone still being teasing. 

“So, you really want to see it, huh…” 

Still not taking his hand away, he gently pushes your head down. There may be no mistaking it as he gently pushes you even closer, your face only a few inches away from what was earlier tucked into his jeans and now out in the open.

Touya looks down at you from above, that snarky smirk remaining on his face as he watches you from this angle. There’s no denying the fact that you’re adorable when you look up at him like that. He’s only half joking when he calls you a little brat… And yet something about the way you act and the things you say makes him want to have you all to himself. It’s something he’d never admit out loud however.

He waits for a response, but there’s none yet. The corner of his lips starts to twitch as a smirk forms, knowing full well why you’re staying quiet. Finally your gaze moves lower, and your lips part as you stare. Touya keeps your head in place with a firm grip on your head as your gaze remains glued on that spot. 

You swallow thickly as you gaze at his size with awe. “Can I touch it?”

Touya lets out a breath, he can’t help but feel a little bit amused. Your eyes are so fixed, it’s adorable. Finally he lets your head go once more, giving you the freedom to do whatever you want. 

“Go ahead… I won’t stop you.”

Touya tilts his head up again to look at you from above. He lets out a small chuckle as he finally sees your hands move to the front of his pants. When you touch it, his body reacts with a subtle twitch from the sudden sensation. You can almost feel him shiver in your grip.

Touya looks down at you again, a devious smirk forming on his lips as your hand squeezes his shaft experimentally. He sighs softly and his lips curve up into a sly, suggestive smile. He’s just enjoying the sight of you right now, watching the look of curiosity on your face as you take in his size.

Touya lets his lips curl up into an even wider smug grin as your hand starts to move faster. His hips rock forward ever so slightly with the motion of your hand. Another small gasp comes from his lips and he leans back in the seat with his eyes closed.

“Am I doing this right?” You ask curiously.

With a slight nod, he whispers softly. “Mhm… You just keep doing what you’re doing.” 

Just touching him is driving him insane… It feels so good, he’s enjoying every moment of it. His breathing grows even heavier now as a raspy moan escapes his lips in response to the light brushing of your fingertips. He shifts once again, spreading his legs further to give you more room to work with. 

He lets his gaze fall on you again, watching you take his piece of flesh in your hand like this. His lips curve up into a smirk as he speaks softly for the first time in a while.

“Do you really have no experience?” He asks teasingly. 

You gulp audibly, feeling the heat between your legs grow as you continue your experimental touches. “I wanna taste it.” 

You mumble breathlessly before peering up at him, licking your lips as you feel your mouth watering at the thought. “Can I?”

That takes him by surprise. As soon as you speak up he opens his eyes once more, looking at you and noticing the breathlessness in your voice. The way you gulp and the way your body reacts to his touch tells him everything he needs to know. Though he lets out a soft, smug laugh when you ask that last question. 

“I don’t see why not…” 

He pauses briefly, giving you a teasing grin before adding, ”Just don’t disappoint me.”

He spreads his legs even more. After a moment, when he’s satisfied that there’s plenty of room for you to work with, he simply nods once again, allowing you to do as you please. You’re slow and hesitant in your movements as you bring it closer to your mouth, starting off by licking it experimentally. 

“Mm…” Touya lets out a raspy moan of satisfaction as he notices you’re slowly and timidly moving. He can’t deny that it’s very erotic. But it’s also extremely cute. Your hesitation is almost as cute as your eagerness. He stays silent for a few more seconds, wanting to see how you feel as you give it a little lick. 

Yet another moan escapes his lips again as your tongue rubs over him. You can feel him shiver slightly as he feels the sensation, his body moving in response to your tease. He closes his eyes and leans back the best he can with the little room he has left, his lips curling up into a small smirk. 

“Keep going…” You feel your mouth water as you suddenly swallow as much of the length as you can fit in one go.

You’ve gone too far, and now his reactions are becoming even more intense. His throaty mumbles turn into loud groans as his entire body starts trembling. He shifts once again, pressing his back against the back of the seat as he tries his best to keep quiet. He's struggling to maintain any sort of control over himself, but with every suck you give him, his willpower weakens a little bit.

With a satisfied grunt, he finally finds some degree of control as he lets out another small moan and leans back once again. “God… So good…”

He moves one hand upwards, gripping onto the seat as his other hand shifts to the back of your head. You can hear your name escape his mouth as he lets out another small moan.

And just like that, you feel his hands shift. His one hand grips your head lightly as he gently takes control and moves. The slight change in motion is almost imperceptible but you do notice that he holds his breath for a moment as you lick him. It takes him a few seconds to recover as he lets out a loud moan. He lets go of your head and his fingers bury themselves in your hair as he shifts in his seat. 

You can feel his grip tighten and a small shiver runs through your body as his hand moves your head up and back down again, this time with a bit more force.

“R-right there… Fuck, don’t stop… Mm…” Touya lets out quiet but clearly noticeable groans as your mouth works its magic. You gag slightly as the sudden force makes you choke slightly on his length, which urges you to send him a bratty glare despite low-key enjoying it.

Touya lets out a raspy chuckle at your glare, a smugness in his expression as he looks at you. The pressure he’s applying is steady but gentle enough not to hurt you or make you choke too hard. 

"You're enjoying that, huh..." He lets out a small grunt and a muffled moan as you keep moving your head up and down. His hand keeps a firm grip on your hair, keeping you in place.

Touya keeps this up for a few more moments, his breathing getting heavier as your mouth works up and down repeatedly. He starts to growl softly, trying to hold back a little. This is just as much of a pleasure for him as it is for you. His grip tightens once more as his growls get louder. The grip is still not rough but firm enough to make sure you don’t slip up while working on him.

Touya’s body finally gets to that point, making him let out a loud moan as his grip around your head tightens some more. His hand on the side of your face moves up to the back, making sure you stay in position as he pushes you further and further. His eyes are closed as he relaxes a bit more against his seat.

Touya lets out another breath as he finally speaks with a raspy voice. “Keep going… Don’t stop… Fuck don’t stop…”

He lets out a raspy moan as your mouth continues to work on him as he tilts his head back a bit. His fingers dig into your hair as he pushes you back down, not letting your head move away from him. The grip on your head becomes tighter and more demanding as he holds you down.

“You really are good at this…” His hands grip your head tightly, letting you feel just how much he’s enjoying this as he lets out a few more sounds. He tries his best to be as quiet as possible since you’re in a parking lot, but it’s becoming harder and harder to not get too loud. As his grip on your head tightens even more, his moans become increasingly louder. He feels like he’s losing himself…

You pull away, taking a shuddering breath as you look up at him with glassy eyes and shiny lips, panting lightly. “Tou-chan, I want you.” 

Touya’s eyes flutter open for a moment as he feels you stop with the sudden movement. Seeing the effects of your ‘experiments’ on you is quite exciting for him as his breath hitches and his heart rate picks up drastically. The grip on your head tightens again as he sees you squirm slightly.

Touya grunts in affirmation as his voice remains raspy, a smugness written all over his face. “I want you too, you little pervert.”

“Sorry…” You pant before a small cheeky grin grazes your features as you had completely forgotten about your previous unsureness. “You just taste so good.”

Touya chuckles softly at your comment, he can’t help it. You’ve clearly changed your mindset after that little ‘testing’ and now you’re a lot more eager. He tilts his head up again, taking in the view of your glassy eyes as you pant faintly, your lips shiny with saliva. The grip on your head remains firm this time though, not moving even slightly as he keeps his gaze on yours.

“You really think so?”

“Yeah,” you pant out, gulping audibly as you nod shakily.

Touya grunts softly as he sees you nod. His gaze shifts down in between your closed thighs for a minute, your wetness clearly evident on your skirt as he shifts in his seat again. The ravenette finally looks up at your face, that smugness back on his lips as he speaks again.

"How much do you want me…? Don't hold back..."

“So much that I want you to be my first,” you suddenly blurt out in the heat of the moment.

“I’ve liked you for years,” you admitted with a small, flushed smile. “It doesn’t matter if we go back to being just friends afterwards, but I really want you to be my first.”

That takes Touya off-guard for a moment, his body momentarily freezing in place from your words. You don't know how long he's waited to hear those words from you. Eventually he exhales and sighs softly with a soft grin. Touya looks down at you again, that smug look never leaving his features. 

"You want me that badly, huh..." He moves closer to you once again, his lips literally within an inch from your own.

“More than anything,” you mumble softly.

Touya smiles at that, that smugness still on his face, but it's mixed with a soft look, showing his adoration for you. The ravenette grins at your words, you sound so cute when you get all steamy like this. It’s something he has been fantasizing about for a while, and it looks like you’ve finally come around.

Touya leans forward the rest of the way and presses his lips fully against yours, the force behind it a bit more this time, as his hand moves to your rear again, giving your buttocks a small squeeze. His other hand grips your neck tighter, keeping you in place as it moves to your hair. Touya leans into it, and this time, he doesn't let you break away. His lips start to move against yours once more.

“I love you,” you mumble breathlessly between hot and steamy kisses.

Touya freezes up for a time as you let out those words. His lips part from yours as he looks down at you. He blinks a bit and slowly takes in what you just said. It makes his heart skip a beat.

After a few seconds, he lets out a small chuckle though it sounds more like a breathless gasp. His grip around you tightens once more as his reply comes out in a raspy, but soft voice.

“I love you too… I love you so much…”

“Please take me,” you speak sweetly with a small pout.

The way you say those words makes your cheeks go red immediately. You can pretty much see the effect these words had on him. You finally confessed to him. You admitted your feelings and told him you want this as much as he does. Touya is speechless, he didn't expect this to end that way, but it definitely did in the best way possible.

He reaches up to your cheek with one hand, rubbing gently over it as he looks down at you with a flirtatious smirk. “Heh… Is that a request or a demand?” 

Touya smirks at your pout, his thumb rubbing on your cheek as he looks at you. You can tell from his tone, he’s enjoying himself. Your response makes him want to tease you even more now.

“I want you inside of me,” you mumble impatiently, your lips jutting out even more.

That’s what he wanted to hear…

He lets out a breath, this is the kind of dirty talk he’s always enjoyed. The way you describe your own needs is hot and definitely makes him desire you more. He lets out a quiet laugh before he responds, the way he spoke was not the same as it used to be before your confession.

“Is that so, now…” Touya’s grip on your rear tightens slightly as he rubs gently on your ass.

With a small smirk, he immediately pulls you towards him, causing your bodies to press tightly against one another as his lips finally make contact with yours. He begins to slowly move his tongue into your mouth. Your kiss slowly grows more intense as he moves his tongue around, exploring your mouth as he holds you close to him.

The sudden switch from your hesitant behavior to this… It’s pretty surprising. With a soft laugh, he pulls away again, his lips curling into a playful grin. 

“That's what you’re asking me for, huh?” He lets out another chuckle as he leans his head close to your shoulder, whispering softly directly into your ear.

You pout slightly, “Quit teasing me.”

“You want me to quit teasing you?” He leans back so that he can look at you again once more as he tilts his head up while speaking with a smug tone.

“Is this adorable brat asking me to stop?” Touya’s grip on you remains tight as he stares at you for a moment. The look on his face says just how much he enjoys playing with you.

“Stop being so mean,” you whine, looking at him with puppy eyes. “Pretty please with a cherry on top.”

“Awww…~” Touya lets out a quiet chuckle as you beg him with those puppy eyes and that whiny tone. Touya can’t resist that look. He finds it so damn adorable. You’re so easy for him to tease.

He keeps his grip on your body tight as he moves his face even closer to yours. You can feel his breath brushing against your neck as he leans against you and whispers his next words.

“That’s not how you beg, you brat…”

“Will you please fuck me?” You beg with wide glassy eyes, batting your lashes to appear cuter. “I need to feel you inside me—to feel that big fat cock rearrange my insides to the point nobody else could ever please me as much as you could.”

Those words coming out of your mouth, and that soft, desperate tone… It drives the ravenette crazy. A loud moan escapes him as he hears you say those words. His grip on your body tightens even more as he lets you go for a moment, to catch his breath. 

Your words are such a turn-on for him. The way you just spoke right now is one he’d only hear in porn, you speak with such filthy language. He swallows thickly as he takes in the effect of your dirty talk. It's so blunt and crude, but so damn hot. That playful begging and your soft, vulnerable tone, it’s quite the combination as he stares at you with a smug smile on his face.

Touya's smile grows wider, almost to the point of being teasingly malicious as he stares you right in the eyes. Your body is so soft, so vulnerable and that tone just makes him want to take you right here and now. His grip around your waist tightens once more as he speaks again, this time with a sinister grin. 

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, you naughty little slut…”

“Just be gentle,” you whisper breathlessly.

The way he was talking with you—in such a degrading manner at that—was making you feel extremely hot. Yet you couldn’t help but feel a mix of excitement and nervousness as you realized that you’re actually about to lose your virginity to your childhood friend/crush.

Your mix of emotions is one that makes him want to take you even harder, to show you how much he wants you. To show you how much he’s desired this for years. 

The ravenette lets out an amused laugh as he hears you ask him to go slowly for you, to be gentle. Oh, that’s rich… But he doesn’t voice his thoughts just yet as he leans up against you again, his eyes staring right into yours as he slowly speaks with a teasing tone.

“Who’s saying you deserve that?”

You pout, tilting your head slightly to the side to make yourself even cuter and more fragile. “Pretty please…?” 

There was a childish lilt in your voice as your lips jutted out even more. “Didn’t you say that you love me too?”

You're doing this on purpose… You have to, there’s no way you’re not. The playful pout and the way you tilt your head to the side, there is no way it’s not on purpose. The way you ask for him to go slow with such a soft tone and the sudden mention of his confession… You’re making him soften up on purpose. You want a nice, soft gesture from him? You’re trying to make that happen. 

Touya sighs softly, knowing full well he’ll cave under the pressure. His lips curl into a teasing smile as his gaze narrows at you. “Am I supposed to say yes to that just because I love you?”

He continues to look at you as he lets out a breath, not yet revealing what his answer will be. Does he intend to go easy or will he just pound you and tear you apart? That's for you to wait for. But you can tell by the grin on his face that you've already gotten through to him. Despite the knowledge, you still nodded affirmatively while flashing him a sickeningly sweet smile to get your way. 

“Very well, you naughty little brat... I’ll go slow for you, since you asked me so nicely…” His reply comes out in a soft tone, with a smirk. He relaxes his shoulders as he stares at you with a smug look, but the moment has finally gotten to him. The way you have to ask him to be gentle makes it feel like you trust him after all.

He runs his tongue on your cheeks once more as he finally leans up against you, taking his time doing this. His tongue slowly makes its way down your neck, causing you to shiver and squirm as he continues licking and kissing your skin. The effect this had on you is quite visible as you breathe heavier and moan quietly.

Touya lets out a soft laugh as he hears you whimper and moan. The way you squirm as his tongue and lips move down your skin...is so damn hot. He slowly reaches his hand on your thigh now, getting even closer to your soft, juicy center.

Touya’s hand moves up to your thigh as it rests close to your wetness. As his tongue and mouth continues to move down your skin, he presses lightly against your thigh for a bit before moving even closer, using his thumb to trace circles around your wetness. The tease makes your whole body move, your mouth opening silently as you start to moan quietly.

“So wet already?” He asks you with a quiet laugh and a teasing smirk.

“I’m just horny,” you complain in a whining tone. “And whose fault is that?”

“My fault? Is that so now?” Touya laughs out, finding this to be both amusing and a bit arousing at the same time. His hand continues to play with your wetness as he traces circles around your thigh and inner thighs, his thumb brushing against your clothed clit briefly before moving upwards again.

“Just one more thing…” Touya smirks as leans in closer, his breath still hot and damp on your neck. His lips once again brush against your ear as he whispers softly once more. 

“Keep your eyes closed when it happens…”

“Okay…” You breathe out, complying to his wishes.

Touya leans back once again, his hands loosening around your waist. He adjusts himself in his seat a little bit before beginning to move his hand back up your thighs, moving over your dress and slowly starting to unbutton it. 

Eventually, after slowly unbuttoning your dress, he reaches the bottom of it. His fingers wrap around the side of your hip as he shifts once again and pulls you closer to him. His other hand slowly makes its way up your thigh as he grabs onto your waist. 

He starts to slowly lift your dress up, pulling it over your thighs and leaving it all bunched up in his hands. His cerulean blue eyes flick down at the sight of you under the dress, slowly revealing it all to him. He finally lays his eyes upon what he’s been waiting for. Your pale, slender thighs and soft smooth skin… The small mound of your womanhood. His eyes practically glowing as they wander to the lace fabric of your panties and back up to your face once again. 

The ravenette’s hand moves over the lace of your panties, gently rubbing at them with his fingers as he watches your cute, flushed face. He’s seen this many times before now, but never has it been this tantalizing… 

“I want to see you,” you mumble softly with a tiny pout, but still keep your eyes closed as he had told you. “Please, let me see you.”

“Hmm… You want to see me, huh?” He chuckles softly as he hears your request. He keeps rubbing his hand over your underwear again, slowly rubbing through your silky skin as he whispers softly once more. 

“But for now, keep your eyes shut… I’ll let you see me soon enough…” You let out a whine, but comply nonetheless.

Touya chuckles softly, his eyes wandering down to your body as his hands continue to slowly rub at your underwear with his fingers. He wants you to focus solely on the feeling of his fingers slowly going through your lace underwear… The slow and steady movement of his fingers as it rubs against your skin. Slowly giving your sensitive parts the heat and attention they crave. 

“So sensitive…” Touya growls as his fingers continue to explore through the thin fabric of your panties. When he notices just how sensitive you are, he begins to apply a bit more pressure as he rubs his fingers over you. 

He keeps this up for a little longer, pressing his fingers against that one spot, the pressure gradually increasing as time goes on. Soon, he can feel the slightest trace of your juices beginning to flow as your breathing becomes a little heavy.

“Mm… Looks like someone’s definitely enjoying this.” Touya chuckles in amusement as his fingers continue to rub at your sensitive spot. He can’t help but bite his lip as he hears your breaths pick up. The sight of you getting wet and excited from his touch is more than enough to get his blood flowing. 

He moves his hands away with a small smirk, his tongue briefly flicking out to lick his lips as he watches you. You let out yet another whine at the loss of contact. Touya laughs once again as your whine grabs his attention. 

“So, you really want more, huh?” Touya's deep voice echoes inside the car as he finally breaks his silence as he leans back towards your neck, taking another glance at the sensitive spot he just made so damp. “I’ll give you more then… Just let me do something first…”

After taking a glance at your damp spot again, he finally decides on giving his fingers a break for now. He slides his hands back down your thighs as he looks back at you once again, noticing that your eyelids are twitching. 

“Tou-chan,” you breathe out in a whining tone. With a raspy laugh, he leans in next to your ear again. His breath is still hot and damp against your skin as the tip of his tongue flickers out once more. 

“Yes?” He murmurs as his cerulean gaze narrows towards you once more, a little grin on his lips as he leans close to you again. This time his voice is even lower and more husky than before. His tongue flickers out one last time to brush against your cheek as it trails down to your neck again, where he begins to nibble on it.

“Just take them off,” you squirm in his grasp, opening your eyes despite not being allowed to do so yet. “I feel so empty.”

“You shouldn’t have opened them… You know that, right?” Touya’s voice is deeper, a bit more sinister but you can still hear the teasing tone. He speaks calmly but firmly, despite you now going against his wishes. You might be in trouble. 

“So you want me to just rip them off and take you right now~?” Touya’s voice has become much more rough. The way he looks at you, you know that all he wants to do is to just break you, to tear you apart and break every single self-control you have to make you beg and whimper for him to stop.

But he knows that you’re too inexperienced for that yet. 

“Opening your eyes like that without me letting you… This is going to have consequences, you know, little brat…”

Touya adds with a teasing smirk, but he’s immediately heeding your words and moves to take your panties off. He slides them lower and lower before taking them away completely. His hands move to the side as he takes a look at you, your face becoming flustered when he takes a look at your beautiful body. Once they’re finally out of the way, your soft folds become visible to his eyes. 

“So...this is what you meant by empty, huh?” Touya’s deep voice echoes inside the car as he gets a look at your body once again. His breath is still hot and damp as his gaze flicks to your folds. “Pretty sensitive aren’t we...? Hm?”

Touya’s fingers move in closer slowly as he traces circles around your slickness once more, this time putting more pressure than before as he begins to rub and play with you.

You tug on his shirt impatiently as you demand, “Take it off.”

“A very impatient little brat you are, huh…” Touya chuckles softly, taking note of the way you tug at his shirt, his teasing and flirty mood changing a bit as his eyes narrow against you.

He doesn’t speak much as he reaches up and pulls it over his head. The moment his bare chest is visible your body seems to be heating up. The air is thick with heat and desire as he finally lets out a breath. 

Your fingers trace his toned chest as you shamelessly ogle him. “You’re so pretty,” you mumble out breathlessly.

Touya gives you a playful smack against the side of your neck as he glances down at you, his tone and expression changing a bit as your hands trace his toned chest. His eyes widening as you compliment him, cheeks becoming a bit red as he glances at you.

“Pretty, am I? You think I’m pretty?” It’s clear that you’ve hit his weak spot as he tries his best to hide his blush.

“Like a piece of poetry,” you breathe out softly.

“Shut it…” Touya’s reply comes out as a playful tone as he gives you another light smack this time across your cheek, but the moment you compliment him his attitude changes a bit.

Touya lets out a breath as he glances elsewhere, not knowing what to say in response to that. You can tell that you caught him off guard with your words of appreciation. He wasn’t used to being complimented like that by anyone, certainly not by the person he had been crushing on since childhood. His cheeks remain a bit red for a reason. 

You position yourself over his bare shaft, gripping his shoulders tightly. “I’m on birth control so…” You trail off, waiting for him to help you.

“So that means…” Touya’s voice trails into a soft and teasing moan as he hears you say those last words. His voice becomes lower and even more husky as he grabs on to your hips, his cerulean eyes once again glance up at your body. His hand moves to your hip as he stares up at you, pupils dilated as he watches you move over his shaft.

“So you want this to be raw…?” Touya’s voice becomes somewhat teasing once again as he looks at you, giving you a playful smirk as he looks between your legs.

He doesn't speak another word as he leans in and bites your shoulder gently before letting out a breath. His hips grind against yours briefly as he gets more riled up with each passing minute.

You swallow thickly, getting equally nervous and excited. “So, am I just supposed to slide down or…?” You ask hesitantly, unsure on how to continue.

“It’s pretty self explanatory, don’t you think?” His voice grows deeper and more hoarse. The ravenette’s hands move to your thighs as he grips onto them, his eyes glancing straight ahead as he moves back against the vehicle’s fabric seats. His mouth moves up to your neck again as he plays with your body even more. His legs shift slightly as he moves himself into a better position. 

That’s your cue to move up to him once more. He’s done pretty much everything to set the scene for you. His hands slowly grip your body as he shifts your hips so it’s easier to enter. He wraps his arms around you and kisses you tenderly on the mouth. 

“Now you know…” Touya smirks against your mouth as he pushes himself against you, causing his tip to graze your folds. His breath is hot and wet as he moves his hips against you again. He moves further back against the car seat before pressing himself against you again, his body making contact with your slickness but not fully inside of you yet.

The sensation of his tip touching your folds makes your body tense. You take a shuddering breath as you let him guide you, the grip on Touya’s shoulders tightening significantly from the intrusion. Biting your bottom lip softly as you did your best to relax your body in order to make the experience less painful and more pleasant.

"S’tight, doll." Touya lets out a rough moan as you tense up, cursing under his breath and keeping his hips still to help you cope with the pain. It takes him a bit longer to notice that you're gripping his shoulders, but as he does he just chuckles gently as he kisses your neck once again.

He begins to slowly move himself against you again, rubbing his tip against your folds as he begins to move deeper slowly.

“W-wait a bit,” you mumble shakely, making Touya stop his movements immediately as soon as you tell him to. The ravenette lets out a small grunt as you halt him for a bit, gritting his teeth as he holds himself still, his grip tight but steady around you. 

“Mm? What’s wrong, doll?” He whispers softly in your ear as he tries to assure you and keep you calm.

“S-sorry…” You flush in embarrassment, tensing your body and trying your best to relax as he tries to inch himself in deeper. Legs shaking and trembling a little as you keep them wide open.. “It’s just hard to relax.”

“Hm… So you’re tense, are you?” Touya chuckles as he speaks in a teasing and flirty tone, though he’s still being cautious and slow as he doesn’t want to hurt you in any way. He wants your first experience with him to be a pleasant one, but that seems to be somewhat difficult at this moment. 

He leans his head on top of yours and whispers softly to you once again. “Relax for me, doll… Just focus on breathing…” Touya’s whisper comes out in a soothing and tender tone. You take a deep breath before slowly sliding further down. 

“There we go… Good girl…” Touya’s voice changes into a soft and tender one once again as his hands let go of your thighs and grasp onto both of your hips, helping you ease your way down into him. His cerulean eyes are fixated on you the entire time as you feel him slide inside of you, inch by inch, slowly and gently.

“Mm… There we go…” Touya’s voice mutters out softly as you slowly take his whole length inside of you, his breath catching in his throat as he feels you fully wrapped around him. 

His body is still for a moment, but his breathing begins to quicken as he feels you adjust yourself to his movements. Another shiver travels down his spine as he feels the wetness inside of you, feeling the intensity as he pushes himself deeper. His fingers move down to grip your hips as he slowly starts to move his hips against yours.

Touya’s breathing becomes even faster as he lets your body adjust to his movements, slowly beginning to thrust deep, his hand now gripping your hips firmly as he moves in and out of you slowly and rhythmically. His other hand gently runs through your hair as he moans out softly. 

“Mm… You’re so tight…” He says with a deep and husky voice as he glances down at you.

Touya’s pace begins to speed up slowly as his breathing grows heavier with each passing minute. He leans down towards you, biting your skin as his hips begin to grind against yours, his thrusts becoming faster and faster. His cerulean gaze glares into yours once more as he watches your body and the way he makes you moan every time he thrust harder and deeper.

“Mm…” Touya’s voice is a bit more hoarse as he moves quickly now, his breathing heavy as you feel yourself filled and stretched out even further. His cerulean gaze meets yours again as his fingers grip yours tightly, his thrusts faster and faster now. 

“Such a tight little hole…” He mutters out breathlessly once again.

“Full,” you moan out. “F-feel so f-full…” You let out a gasp, “S-so big..!”

“Mm~ You really feel me, huh…?” Touya chuckles softly as his fingers grip yours tight. He begins to press his thumbs into your wrists as he thrusts deeper into you and pulls you closer to him. His movements are faster now his breath becomes short and shallow. Each of his thrusts becomes harder and harder as his cerulean eyes glaze over as he moves you closer to the edge. His lips curl up into a small smirk as he watches your reactions closely.

You let out a startled gasp at the change in pace, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. “Th-there! Please keep hitting there,” you moan.

“Oh~ You like that spot, don’t you?” He smirks playfully as he hears you tell him to hit that spot. His thrusts grow rougher, more intense, as he hits your G-spot exactly where you need it. He grips your body even tighter as you feel yourself about to reach your climax. A light sweat begins to coat his body as his cerulean eyes grow glazed, all the while you the tip of his shaft touch that one spot inside of you that makes you moan out.

You nodded shakily, unable to pronounce any words as you kept moaning softly into his neck. He could tell just how good you were feeling as your body was literally reacting to his motions. 

“Mm~ You like that, huh…” His voice grumbles as he moves even quicker inside of you, his thrusts growing even faster as he hits all those sensitive spots.

“Such a good girl… All mine…” He whispers softly before biting your neck once again, leaving a small mark.

Touya lets a breath escape from his mouth, his body shaking a bit as he gets even closer to climax. He grips into your hips tighter than ever before as his body grows tense with each passing moment.

“Y-yes! ‘m all yours!” You moan, gripping his shoulders so tightly as if your life depended on it as you tried to meet his thrusts. “P-please don’t stop! You make me feel so good!”

“Oh~ Such a needy girl…” 

Touya’s lips curve up into a smug smirk as he feels you start to move against him, your body moving in the same rhythm as his own, making it much easier for the two of you to climax. He begins to move his hips even quicker, his breath beginning to quicken as he approaches the precipice. With each passing thrust he felt a bit of himself build up inside of you. He lets out a deep grumbling that tells you exactly how close he is.

“S-so good!” You moan out breathlessly, biting your bottom lip softly as you try to keep up with his pace. You pull away from his neck, breathing heavily as you face him. “K-kiss me, please.”

His lips curve up into a playful grin. “Oh… Are you begging me, doll…?~”

You find that his grip has loosened up just a bit as he holds onto you more loosely now. His free arm moves up to stroke your face as he leans back slightly. Touya then stares into your eyes once more as his cerulean gaze meets yours. His lips curl up into a mischievous smirk once more.

He lets out a breath as he locks his lips on yours, tasting you as his other hand strokes your cheek gently. His caresses move down to your neck once again, rubbing the spot he marked before softly as you continue to make out. The ravenette moves his hips against yours as he’s continuously hitting your G-spot. He bites your lower lip once more as his tongue gently explores your mouth.

The ravenette then lets out a breath as he parts his lips from yours, his breath quickening as he stares at you once again. “God… You’re such a needy little slut… Your tightness is sending me over the edge…” He grips your hips as he thrusts deeper and hits your spot once more, his body twitching as he approaches climax. 

“So c-close-“ you sobbed, tears trailing down your flushed cheeks from the overstimulation, clawing at his back uncontrollably. “N-need to cum…!” 

“A needy girl like you, so quick and so desperate…” His voice is a soft whisper as he begins to thrust even harder now. His cerulean eyes glaze over as he smirks and bites your bottom lip as you clawed at his back. His body twitches and quivers slightly as he feels you getting into a frenzy.

His hand strokes your cheek slowly as he feels your body tense up even more. He lets out a rough groan as your nails start to dig deeper into his shoulders as you claw at his skin. “C’mon, sweetheart…c’mon… Just a bit more…”

A soft shudder runs down his spine as his hips thrust into you deeply. He feels you tightening around his shaft, indicating that you are approaching your climax. “Fuck, almost there… Just a little bit more…”

“Feeling it?” He whispers softly, his arms wrap around your body tightly as he grips the back of your neck and pulls you back into another kiss. All you can do is moan into his mouth as he keeps hitting that one spot. 

He breaks the kiss again after a little bit, breathing heavily as he looks at you once again. He sees your body react to his movements and how your body trembles and quivers with each moment. His grip tightens around you as he whispers softly, 

“Ready?” He rasps out as he keeps hitting the spot consistently, not bothering to change up his routine or increase the pace even. He waits for your answer, still not moving his hips faster despite how much you’re clearly enjoying it. 

“F-for what…?” You ask confusedly.

He can’t help but grin slightly as he sees how confused you are. How clueless and lost into the moment of pleasure you are. His eyes shift to your mouth briefly as he asks you softly: 

“To finish…” He says it just vague enough that it can be taken as anything but he keeps slowly moving and hitting that exact spot as he waits for you to understand what he means. Your mouth forms into an ‘oh’ shape in realization as you let out a moan. He lets out an amused laugh as you moan and realize what he meant.

”Yes!” You moan out. “So close, Tou-chan! Please don’t stop!”

His body tenses even more and he groans as he feels your grip tighten around his shoulders. He kisses your neck even more as he moves with both of your movements, slowly taking you back and forth between his own pace and your own rhythm. He whispers softly as his body continues to grow hotter with your sounds.

“You feel so fucking good…” His voice is still calm but he’s growing more and more breathless with each minute and moment you keep pressing against him and moving against him. He can feel himself getting close.

Touya lets out a raspy groan as he continues to kiss your neck and keeps up with your movements. He picks up the pace even faster as it feels like you’re reaching your peak. His grip becomes tighter as he continues to drive himself into you. 

“A-almost—fuck… Keep it up…”

He closes his eyes for a few seconds, taking deep breaths as he tries to gain control over just how much his body is reacting. After a bit, he opens his eyes again and presses his body into you. His breath has gone back to being steadier and slower, but he still holds you firmly and keeps moving slowly, but firmly. He kisses your neck again as he whispers softly to you. 

“How you feelin’…?”

“Like I’m about to burst…” You gasp out.

He moans roughly as he watches you writhe and squirm under his grip. He sighs softly as he speeds up slightly, your response and movements make him want to speed up even more, but he ignores the urge of letting himself go all out.

“Don’t let go just yet…” He rasps out, his voice already beginning to become breathy as he moves more and more into you, his grip keeping you firmly in his hold as his movements become faster. “Hold it in for a bit longer.”

He can feel you tensing and quivering under his grip as he feels your body starting to twitch more and more. His grip around your waist is still firm and his body heat grows with each moment as he speeds up again. He keeps his pace for just a little bit longer before he grips your waist tighter with his one arm while he lets go of your back with his free hand. He leans forwards and meets your mouth once again, taking control of the kiss with his tongue.

His body relaxes a little bit while he’s kissing you as his body heat grows hotter and hotter. His grip is tight around you as he keeps pushing and pushing you even more. He can feel your body starting to tense and quiver even more as you grip his back and waist tightly. He can see how much you’re struggling to hold it in, and just when it looks like you’re reaching your peak, he pulls back slightly and whispers into your ear, his breath coming out quick and sharp.

Touya’s voice sounds breathless and breathy when he whispers to you, he feels the tip of his tongue slowly rubbing your ear as it teases you, his grip on your waist and back becoming even tighter as he keeps pushing into you more.

“Almost…” Touya breathes out sharply, pulling his waist away from you slightly. The ravenette breaks the kiss and licks your ear one more time before pulling back even further. His cerulean blue eyes watch you squirm even more as your body tests your limits. He sees your twitching, quivering and tense body as he grips the front of your thighs and squeezes them as he whispers softly to you. 

You moan out loudly as you finally reach your peak. Your body explodes in pleasure as pleasure spreads throughout it, flooding your senses as you twitch strongly and your body quivers more. Your tight grip on his body finally lets go as you squirm underneath his grip. 

“T-Tou-chan!” It’s more of a cry then it is a moan of pleasure. He pushes deeper into you, finally reaching his climax as he grunts softly. 

“Goddamn…” He lets out a final groan as he relaxes once he finally reaches his own peak. He leans in and kisses you one more time before pulling out, breathing heavily.

The ravenette leans back as he lets a breath escape from his mouth. His cerulean gaze meets yours once more as he glances down at you with a small smirk on his face.

“Did you enjoy that, doll…? Was I too rough with you?” He whispers softly, his hand rubs your thigh gently.

“A bit…” You pant softly, cheeks flushed as you snuggled against him. “But I…liked it.”

“Hm… You liked it…?” He lets out a low, husky chuckle as he leans his body back against the car door, his body tired yet satisfied now. “I guess you like it rough, don’t you…? You little naughty girl…”

You let out a soft, tired giggle at his implication. “Can’t believe I lost my virginity in a car that’s parked near a party with my childhood best friend turned boyfriend.”

“Is it weird to say that I find that a bit hot…?” He whispers softly back to you as he glances at you once more with a sly smirk on his face. 

You let out an amused snort, “You’re such a horndog.”

“And you aren’t…?~” Touya smirked playfully as he teased you again, causing you to bite your bottom lip as you found yourself unable to find a retort. 

“You’re not wrong.” 

The ravenette chuckles softly once more as he glances at you again, his cerulean eyes glancing at you with a more teasing and flirtatious look to them. His hand moves back to stroke across your cheek as he leans back against the car door himself. 

“I’m going to take it that you really enjoyed it…” He says as he teases you some more as he chuckles once more. “You feel tired…?” 

“A bit.” You mumble softly, nuzzling your face against his chest comfortably. “But I don’t wanna sleep naked in your car.”

“Hm…” The ravenette ponders your request for a moment as he looks at you, deciding if he should grant it to you or not. “We can skip the party and…”

He lets a breath escape from his mouth before he gives you a playful smirk. “Just go back to my place. Sounds good?”

“Sounds nice,” you mumbled contentedly. “But next time there’s a party, we have sex only afterwards.”

“Good to know, doll…” Touya smirks in amusement. He then pulls his pants back up and fixes his other clothes before he looks back at you. “Need any help fixing up yours…?”

“Yup,” you nodded, stretching out your hands before grabbing your panties, pulling them on slowly before putting on your bra. 

“Can you help me with the dress?” You ask, tilting your head slightly.

Touya’s lips curved up into a small, playful grin as he watched you put on your own panties and your bra first. “Sure,” he says with a nonchalant shrug. 

He wraps his arms around you from behind as he helps you put your dress on again, helping you with the straps on the back of your dress before helping you zip your dress up again. His lips tilt into an amused smirk as he chuckles a bit. “It looks good on your body, I have to say…”

“I just remembered that you didn’t compliment me when you saw me in it,” you huffed as you heard his comment.

He lets out a deep chuckle as he finally helps with you putting your dress back on completely. After that he pulls his arm back and sighs softly. A teasing smirk still stays plastered on his lips. “I was probably too focused on how much I wanted to take it off of you…”

“But, now that you mention it… It does look good. It compliments you very well,” Touya says with a bit of an aloof tone. His smirk widens even more as he adds to it with, “It really does hug your body… Quite the good sight~”

You let out an amused snort, “Have I ever mentioned that you’re an asshole?” 

Touya lets out a snicker before whispering softly in your ear as he leans forward and nuzzles your neck once more. “And yet here you are, falling for me…” You pout with your usual bratty attitude as he says this with a smug smirk, looking soft and playful as he teases you. He chuckles and nods his head as he turns on the engine.

“Now, let’s get out of here so I can finally fuck you in every position that I’ve imagined, but couldn’t, since we were friends.” 

[stormyoceans]

Top memorable BL/GL moments (off the top of your head)?

definitely had to stop myself from thinking too much about this or i would have ended up never answering it ;;;;;;;;

these are roughly the first 10 moments that came to mind and that did leave a big impression on me for one reason or another, but i also tried to pick scenes that i think can be memorable for a lot of people, so here we go!!!!!!!

1. the pride flag scene in not me. A CULTURAL RESET. there's a reason why this scene shows up on my dash every year on pride month and that's because it's just that powerful and joyful and iconic.

2. drunk gao shi de in we best love: fighting mr. second. the tension is insane. the one long continuous take is insane. sam lin is insane. i honestly can’t remember any other moment that made me hold my breath and then just stare at a blank screen not even knowing what i was feeling for twenty minutes after it was over.

3. the second kiss in the time of fever. i've never seen the tension in a scene go from 0 to a 100000 like this in my entire life. it made me feel things god only intended for martyrs in moments of divine ecstasy at the threshold of death to experience.

4. the back-rubbing scene in i told sunset about you. speaking of chemistry and tension so deranged it had me seeing the face of god at 3 am in my apartment......AND THIS WAS BACK IN 2020. absolute crazy work from everyone involved.

5. the bar kiss and the entire follow up scene in semantic error. WARNING. IM GOING TO KISS YOU IN ONE MINUTE. sang woo being the one to grab jae young's shirt and kiss him first!!!!!! sang woo running away and jae young chasing after him!!!!!! the 2 weeks trial subscription!!!!!! the pink 'love me kiss me' sign!!!!!! korean BLs may have peaked here im afraid

6. day losing his sight in last twilight. listen. whatever my feelings for this show may be, it's hard to deny that this is one of the most powerful and emotional scenes portrayed on television.

7. togawa’s confession in old fashion cupcake. look. this scene is amazing for a lot of reasons (one of which being the use of the long take to fully deliver the characters’ emotions) and it’s not my intention to cheapen it in any way, but also let’s be honest. the thumb in nozue's mouth made this moment unforgettable.

8. mew revealing the recorded tape to top in only friends. i don’t care about the fandom’s war over which one of these characters is morally superior and which of their actions a viewer can enjoy or not, all i know is that mew was absolutely GOATED for this. i’ve never felt more satisfied about something in my entire life.

9. kitsune vee in century of love. single most sexiest thing to ever happen in anything QL related and possibly in all of television as a whole I SAID WHAT I SAID.

10. the marriage proposal in manner of death. when your boyfriend enlists your friends to stage a whole life and death situation for old times’ sake just to propose to you. and you say yes. and it’s 2021. OKAY FREAKS (AFFECTIONATE)

AND ALSO EVERY SINGLE SCENE IN VICE VERSA OKAY BYE

(am i mad at myself and my brain for coming up with BL moments exclusively? yes i am. this is the sign i need more GL shows to watch IMMEDIATELY)

[olderthannetfic]

There is something confusing to me about older queer people (which is to say, older than I am, at a relatively young 24 years old) who get mad at original fiction whose worldbuilding involves neopronouns. I'm hoping maybe, ONTF, since you've been in queer spaces a lot longer than I have, you can explain why people have such a negative reaction to the idea.

Basically, I'm working on a novel based that takes white-throated sparrow biology and uses it for building blocks in the same way A/B/O takes (now debunked) wolf science and used it for building blocks. This means there are essentially four genders, the two viewed as more intelligent (brown-haired men and women) and the two viewed as more physical (white-haired men and women). Those two groups then get further divided along the lines of 'women are better at making smart decisions under pressure' and 'men are better at staying home and defending the children, as God intended'.

So it seemed natural to me that this worldwide quaternary system would result in at least some languages having pronoun sets for each of the four options. Some languages in real life have more complicated pronoun systems than that, particularly ones where there's a bunch of formal and informal pronouns. It'd also help the reader keep track of who was a part of what group without my having to turn around and state people's coloration constantly. Yes, these people are human, just as humans in A/B/O are, but society is fundamentally very different. I'm not throwing this in to just complicate things or sound smart or something. It's here because my minoring in Anthropology and majoring in Linguistics taught me language usage reflects the needs and values of a people.

The writing group I'm a part of IRL is mostly queer, mostly 40+, with some cishet women who are also present and active writers. The writing group I'm a part of on DW is mostly DWRPers, in their 30's and up, though no older than 50, and entirely queer. I did not expect these to be groups that were uncomfortable with the idea of "different world, different pronouns".

Instead the reception has ranged from suggestions it's pretentious or overthinking things to requests I reconsider doing it. I've been informed this could be seen as mocking the real life queer people who go by pronouns other than she, he, or they. One person asked if this was went to be me "artificially justifying" nonbinary pronouns and implying I didn't find them valid in the real world. That was an awkward conversation, to say the least.

In reality I wasn't really thinking about real life people who use nonbinary pronouns when I was writing. I was just asking, "Logically, wouldn't it make sense for things to work very differently under a quarternary than it does under a modern European binary?" and following my brain along to its' conclusions as it processed that.

I have gotten zero negative feedback from my queer friends my age regarding this. So obviously, generation and the experiences informing a generational context are key, here. I'm just... still lost on how anyone finds this objectionable.

Help?

--

Ahaha. Oh god.

Well, as a reader of sff in the 90s, the first reaction I have to such things is "IS THERE A CONLANG AND A MAP?" Because, man, the conlang people were some of the most tedious motherfuckers I ever had to deal with in sff spaces.

But broadly... I think the reasons queer people get annoyed about this stuff boil down to a couple of big factors:

Disrespectful children who don't know history

Idiot old people harrumphing about "history" they clearly failed to pay attention to while it was going on in the first place

I personally hate being asked to use new words most of the time. A few bits of fandom slang I'll pick up at once, but I'm usually like "Why would I call it 'spirk'? We already have 'K/S'!" *shakes cane*

If you're American, they're your "roommate", not your "flatmate". No, I don't care how much more precise this foreign term is, you pretentious wanker. (But then I'll use 'wanker' because fandom adopted that years ago...)

So my reaction to being asked to say aloud any pronoun not in very frequent circulation in my offline life is "Urrrgh. Do I have to?"

However, the reality is that people have been messing around with pronouns in English since forever. Do you see 'heo' in Modern English? No, you do not! (Not that it was gender neutral, but the point is that even words as ancient as pronouns have changed quite a bit.) The early internet was full of pronoun stuff in MUDs and the like. You had a choice of a lot more than just three in a bunch of these. People besides men and women have always been in queer communities.

So some people like to cry about neopronouns being actually neo, and they're just wrong.

As for the why do you care part...

There is a nasty habit in contemporary queer spaces to act like gay rights issues are solved. Bisexuality? Passe! etc. Gays and lesbians finally got a little mainstream acceptance only to suddenly be treated like the worst of the establishment by the queer youth. How dare?!?! It's even more egregious with bisexuality where the focus of a bunch of queer activism finally swung that way in the 90s... only to be sharply cut off in the 00s.

There's a real "You already got yours. Where's mine?" vibe to some queer discourse today, and it's directed at people who never got theirs. It shows up in demands for mentorship by people who've barely had a chance to escape a rocky start and figure out who they are themselves. It shows up in yowling about this or that bit of queer media we finally got not being progressive because it's the wrong letter of the acronym.

None of which has a damn thing to do with what pronouns you use in your novel, obviously, but I think some unresolved embattled feelings are why some older queer people are very weird about pronouns.

Some of them are also doing the old person version of throwing the weirdos under the bus to placate the normies. Respectability politics became a term long before the behavior was rife on tumblr.

--

If someone really does find it pretentious, though, and not just as a cover for crying about nonbinary identities being fake, I suspect they just remember how 1970s SFF was full of privileged anthropology students misunderstanding kinship systems from elsewhere in the world and then trying to tell everyone how ~deep~ their extremely contrived novels based on them were.

I'm not saying your writing is like this or that every one of these old sff novels was either, but when I hear "anthropology student", I groan internally. It's an instinctive reaction. It's less about the real fields and more about the bevvy of dilettantes I've run into over the years who'll say they study those things but really want to talk my ear off about Joseph fucking Campbell or the strong form of the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis or something.

--

Those birds are a really cool source of inspiration. Like with A/B/O, the first thing I wonder is how queerness works in that context and how much people like to defy their designated roles.

Omegaverse started on porn logic, so "The one I say tops always tops!" makes sense. When it gets expanded to try to make it make logical sense as a whole world, I often enjoy it, but it can break down quickly if treated as biology is law. I don't know how often the birds veer off of their set patterns, but humans certainly would.

One place where I get a strong "Oh god, this again" feeling from people's plotbunnies is when they're trying to make up a sff society that strikes me as too rigid in a way that real humans aren't. I'll see people using fake wolf biology (not just for horny reasons) but never looking at what's going on with gender in contemporary Thailand or whatever. Like... Le Guin may have made sedoretus feel plausible, but nobody I've ever seen stanning the concept as something fandom should play with has. That's probably because Le Guin was using over-complicated social norms as a thing that breaks down and causes trouble, and "This should be the next A/B/O!" posts are treating it as something that actually works and is a good way to get the pair you don't ship separated while shipping poly.

"It'd also help the reader keep track of who was a part of what group without my having to turn around and state people's coloration constantly."

This, in particular, gives me that cold shudder of recognition from when Homestuck fandom was everywhere and everyone wanted to over-explain those stupid playing card suits and why I should care.

Your concept sounds neat, and I think a set of four pronouns could easily make sense there...

But I also think that if people need the pronouns to keep track of coloration, you haven't set up a system that feels organic enough or haven't given enough cues about how characters are treating each other or why. Use the pronouns too, but just keep that in mind. It's like the "m/m is hard because the pronouns don't tell me whose hand is where" problem. It's almost never actually a pronoun problem.

--

Anyone else have thoughts here?

[yamujiburo]

I'm so thankful for you sharing the importance of protecting minors from sexual content. My parents and I didn't have much knowledge back then and I was exposed to this kind of stuff too early. I developed bad habits. I somehow deceived my family into trusting me way too much and, when I saw I had lost control and I asked for help, I saw my family was also hurt and they spent a lot on therapy and my anxiety medication. I have forgiven them for not knowing back them. But I still haven't forgiven myself for getting them through all that stuff. It's important to understand how much we need to protect minors from sexual content. Family members and artists, please pay attention to the content young audience is exposed to.

Of course! I can relate a lot to this. My parents were really good at monitoring what I was doing online for a while but they started trusting me more and I unfortunately started seeing a lot of stuff I shouldn't have but would keep it secret. Gonna talk about my experience a lil bit under the cut just bc I've been reflecting on it a lot recently (tw for grooming)

I gained a following of around 25K on deviantart by the time I was around 15/16. It was in the worst fandom too (mlp). I'd have a lot of much older men talking to me, drawing/writing nsfw of my characters who were underaged (they'd draw nsfw of myself and my sonas as well). It was so normalized for me and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time.

I'd shipped Spike and Rarity at the time (very much do not anymore) and adult men would use that ship as a basis for trying to talk to me or get in a relationship. "We're just like Sparity! You're young but you're very mature for your age, so it's fine." I remember one guy trying REALLY hard to try and get me to move in with him. I was pretty creeped out then, but like holy shit that's SUPER creepy and I'm fortunate that he didn't keep trying after I gave him a hard "no".

It bled into my real life a bit when I met a 22 y/o man who asked me out when I was just 16 just turning 17. Luckily the relationship was NOT long lasting (I think he realized that I'm a very boring person LMAO) but I think about how I thought that that was a perfectly normal. I'd date go on to date people who were probably too old for me.

Also around when I was 16/17, people started shipping me with another artist in the fandom who was several years older than I was (side note: nothing wrong with an age gap! but it's very not okay when there's "waiting" for someone to be of legal age involved). I did end up dating said artist after I turned 18 and it was fine, I wasn't hurt or anything but I did find weird that we were shipped when I was still a teenager looking back (there was also nsfw drawn of us together before/when we were dating)

I just had such a warped sense of reality for a long because of this shit. I'm glad there's more conversations about this stuff and it's more known that adults should have little to no personal interaction with kids on the internet and vice versa. There's way too many stories of kids getting taken advantage of in fandom spaces. I think I got off fairly lucky all things considered. But bottom line YES kids need to be protected online and their exposure to sexual content/adult spaces should be limited or monitored. It's also really tough though because not all kids have adults in their real life that they can trust or go to to ask questions about sex so they seek solace in adults online and it's just a constant cycle.

I'm honestly unsure of what to do about that and I don't have all the answers but I ultimately just don't want kids online to end up in similar positions I was in when I was younger. I just do my best