#i've gotta take my mom to an appointment tomorrow and i don't want to

[exsqueezememacaroni]

no thoughts, just that wayward bit of hair

[dizzyluc]

Incoming vent rant (needed to air out my anger after the past 3 days, considering my pain level I'd say is at a 6 out of 10, and the more constant pain I'm in, the more pissed I get lol...)

This month, let alone this week, has not been kind to me... and it's only Tuesday, THE THIRD ">_> When this month starts off shitty due to something personal related (not health related thankfully, (although it IS insurance related is all I'll say, it could definitely be worse though, but...) it's actually put me in a pretty pissy mood these past few days, which I'm praying Friday it's taken care of, so hoping Friday goes over well) Monday, my "rest up before a long ass week" day, I had to take my car in to get an oil change as my light just lit up, went to a "Take 5" and after waiting 30 minutes, being inside the place that does it, with my car off cause no idea when they would actually just "start" doing stuff... "Oh, we don't have the right thing to change your oil, so we can't do it." THANKS FOR SAYING IT AFTER MAKING ME WAIT (instead of checking real quick if it can be done... then having me wait for everyone that came before me go... although I think they were understaffed too) Then after, I go to a local donut place, that I have been trying to get a coconut flavor for, for WEEKS, even went the day before and they said "oh we will have it tomorrow!" and they still didn't have it... (they have said this 3 times now at this point) pretty much making my outing a complete waste of time. Today being Tuesday? I've been almost crashed into 6+ times (at least twice my mom yelped at people almost creaming me) The donut place, after saying I'd be back at noon today? "It will be ready at 5-6 today!" How. Many. Times... I drop my mom off for her appointment, which normally this one takes 3 hours due to ALWAYS being behind, get a Slurpee... which tasted like a cheap drink... and then every place I went to, for SOME reason, after lunch? Big lines. I get done with the final place almost, expecting to get back and chill and relax after such a hectic afternoon and week so far... (after picking up a pizza cause a good deal usually happened at a certain pizza place nearby on Tuesdays) Mom texts: Oh, I'm just about done, there was no one in the doctor's office today! So we can keep doing errands once you get back! Me thinking... "Can I get just 5 minutes... FIVE. MINUTES." Dealt with more cars trying to ram me (If you go to Florida, be VERY CAUTIOUS about driving here, the people are lunatic drivers, even more so lately it feels like, literally had to slam on my brakes twice today because people THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD, TO PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME) After finally eating today (I only had donut holes at this point btw today... it was pizza though, but...)

I think my nerves from all the shit happening these past few days finally caught up to me and I got nauseated for like an hour or so, which going back to the donut place didn't help (it still wasn't ready when I got there, it was almost 6 pm) and after they brought it out... it wasn't even the right donuts. "Wait, OHHHH... you wanted the white, coconut donuts we served like, 3 months ago right? With the coconut drizzle? Oh yeah, no that was discontinued." Me thinking: ... I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THIS EVERY TIME "I want the coconut donut that had white frosting, and coconut flakes drizzled on top of the donut" I got whatever the hell they made, got home, let dogs out (while it pretty much was almost raining) and it took me 2 hours to get a shower and now lay down in bed. ... and it just keeps going tomorrow lol... (Gotta be ready by noon, and will be out probably till 6 or so doing "Military Monthly run" aka pick up medicine, pick up veterinarian stuff for dogs, maybe mail some stuff or do a bank run (these 2 not always), followed by pick up cards and any random stuff at the Base Exchange, then the Commissary for almost 2 hours for the family monthly grocery supply [and this is why I call it "grocery day" as it's an all day affair, that literally is dedicated for goods for the month])

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3721

today was a good day. very productive.

i was able to pick up the paperwork from my therapist so i had the original because she already sent a copy where it needed to go. mom and i stopped at lull farms and got some goodies and goodness for home and for me for the convention, and we stopped for lunch at mcnaldos.

there's a sign in the parking lot next to the mcnaldos. it says "please do not feed the birds." but birds gotta eat, and there's a lot of em, and i often don't follow rules if i think they're stupid.

so mom and i feed the pigeons frequently.

so frequently, apparently, that they know her car.

we pulled up and kind of them were around. a few minutes later, they were all flocked to the car. mom took handfuls of fries (please don't @ me i know fries are not good for birds but we ran out of birdseed) and yeeted them out the window for the pigeons. they enjoy the fries.

but some of them are not done. they want more fries. so they hop up on the car. on the hood, on the roof, on the side mirrors. mom feeds them fries specifically. they do not go away. more come.

one LANDS ON HER HAND. TWICE.

we're laughing the whole time. and eventually we drove to a different place to take some pictures. i hop out and take some photos of a really pretty tree and i go back to go around the car and.

the pigeons are there again.

they make space as i walk around the car, laughing all the while.

i get to my door and open it, and one decides to land on it. a second one approached from behind to take it out. observe.

highly entertaining.

i stopped laughing enough to get back in the car and for mom to start to move again.

but the pigeons.

they approached us again. from the front this time.

they SWARMED the car. the hood, the mirrors, the roof, the sides of the car.

we couldn't stop laughing.

the best part of all of this was the man in a pest control vehicle nearby who was wholeheartedly guffawing at the situation. it's definitely something he went back and told the people in the office.

we did our best. they continued to follow.

it was genuinely hilarious.

i fucking love pigeons.

anyway, when we got home, i sat down and went through the fabrics for the baby quilt i've been working on forever to find the backing i wanted and what i wanted to use for the binding.

i had success on both parts. so i took my fabric and came upstairs and went to town. i finished the top and my mom helped me cut strips for the binding and i matched the top and backing and pinned them and that's where i stopped.

i have had convention stuff to do for weeks.

and i finally did it today.

i made THIRTEEN perler bead patterns and fixed another.

i just need to print many copies of them and then have my crew pack the appropriate numbers of beads.

and in the evening between making pretend i had soup as earlier mom and i made chicken and rice soup.

it's good soup.

i'm excited. today was extremely productive.

and tomorrow concludes my time waiting to get to the convention. after going to joel's and helping pack the truck, we'll be going down and staying the night until sunday. which reminds me i want to change my doctor's appointment on monday to a later time.

but also i'm excited to spend some time with joel. i don't get to do that so often anymore. i miss the joel.

[thebookreader12345]

Gender Reveal

Pairing: Will Halstead x reader

Summary: Will and Y/n are more than ready to be parents, and at Y/n's next doctors appointment, she gets to find out the gender of their baby

Requested: Yes, by anonymous

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy

Word Count: 1,333 Words

"Mmm. Stop moving," I mutter sleepily.

"I'm not," Will announced from the other side of the bed.

"I wasn't talking to you," I say and turn around to face him. "The baby is kicking like every five minutes, and I can't get any sleep. Could you talk to them? Please. They love hearing your voice."

Will smiled. "I would love too." Will scooted closer to me and placed his hand on the top of my stomach, bringing his mouth closer to my 6 month pregnant belly. "Hey, peanut. Your mom and I are so excited to meet you in a few months. I've got all the nursery stuff ready to set up, and right now all I've gotta do is paint before I put everything else in there. So tomorrow is a big day. As for now, you're keeping your mother from getting sleep, and she gets grumpy when she gets no rest, so if you could get some sleep too, that'd be nice."

"Will!" I yelp and slap him softly on the back of the head.

"What? It's true," Will defended and placed a kiss on my belly. "Goodnight, peanut."

"Thank you," I murmur.

"No problem," Will returned and leaned up to kiss my forehead. "Goodnight."

The next morning, we went out our day as usual. The two of us got up, got dressed, ate some breakfast, and then headed into work. Both of us worked as ED docs at Chicago Med. It's actually how we met. I entered the ED and dropped my stuff off in the doctors' lounge before making my way to the nurses' station. My favorite charge nurse and best friend was typing away on her pager, but she looked up when she noticed me.

"Hey mama," Maggie greeted. "Where's Big Red?"

"Oh, you know him. He saw the coffee cart outside and just had to stop," I tell her.

"If he's making you give up coffee, he should be abstaining from it too," Maggie pointed out.

"Sure, but I'm not gonna take coffee away from that man. He needs it more than I ever have," I explain. "And you know how he gets without his caffeine. I'm the same way when I don't get enough sleep."

"Fair point. So, big day today," Maggie reminded me. "You excited?"

"Not as excited as you and Will and literally everyone else," I respond.

"How are you not excited? I can hardly contain myself," Maggie claimed.

"Because I'm fine with waiting, Mags. Honestly, boy or girl, it doesn't matter to me," I confess.

Maggie scoffed. "Oh come on, Y/n. You're rooting for it to be a girl. I know you."

"Well, yeah, but Will's side of the family has a lot of boys. So chances are that's what it'll be," I put forth.

"Have hope, Y/n. If you and Will both want it to be a girl then-"

I cut Maggie off. "Wait. Will wants it to be a girl?"

"You didn't know? That's all he ever talks about," Maggie mentioned. "He wants to have tea parties and learn how to braid her hair and tell bedtime stories about princesses."

"I just thought...." I trailed off. "Never mind. So, you got any cases for me?"

"I do," Maggie replied and handed me a tablet. "Have fun. And don't forget to tell me the gender later!"

"How could I ever forget?" I tease and walk away.

..................................................

"There you are," Will breathed out when he saw me relaxing in the lounge. "I've been looking for you."

"We needed a break," I declare and rub my stomach.

"Backache?" Will guessed.

"All day everyday," I joke and glance at my watch. "But I guess the break is over. I've got to get to my appointment."

"That I can't come with to," Will asserted.

"Correct," I confirm. "Because you're gonna freak out, just like you do at every appointment. And if you start to cry, I'm going to cry, and I don't want to do that in front of the doctor."

"But-"

"No buts," I interrupt and stand up. "You'll live, Will. You're not gonna die because you didn't come to this one appointment."

"I might!" Will protested playfully.

"Except you won't. I'll see you in a bit!" I call out to him as I exited the lounge.

1 Hour Later.....

I had the ultrasound picture tucked away in my coat pocket, my finger skimming the edge of it as I walked back to the ED. I knew Will was probably bursting with excitement to find out if we were having a girl or a boy, so I wanted to get back to him. However, when I got back down to the ED, I couldn't seem to find him anywhere. So, I approached the nurses' station where Maggie was standing, as usual.

"Hey, Mags. Have you seen Will?" I ask. "I can't find him."

"Yeah. I sent him up to CT to keep him under control," Maggie told me. "He kept bugging me about when you'd get back, so I had to get rid of him for a bit."

"Makes sense. Well, could you page him down here please? I have some important news to tell him," I explain.

Maggie gasped. "Your appointment! How was it?"

"Good. Great," I clarify. "The baby is healthy."

"So? Boy or girl?" Maggie implored.

I laughed. "Sorry, Mags. As much as I'd like to tell you, I have to tell Will first. But you're second on my list. Promise."

"Okay. I'll page him down here and direct him to the lounge. It'll be about five minutes," Maggie informed me.

Five minutes later, Will entered the lounge, and while he was trying to keep his cool, I could tell he was excited. He had been nothing short of thrilled since I found out I was pregnant.

"How was the appointment? Everything go okay?" Will questioned.

"Yeah. Everything's great," I answer. "Our little peanut is happy and healthy. Here's the ultrasound, if you want to look at it."

"I would love to see it," Will spoke and took a hold of the paper. "God, can you believe we've only got three more months until we're actually parents?"

"I know. These last six months have flown by so fast," I disclose. "So, you notice anything missing from the ultrasound?"

Will frowned. "What? What are you talking about?"

"You don't notice anything missing? No body parts, especially near the bottom half of the baby? It's pretty obvious to me," I state.

"Y/n, what the hell are you talking about? I don't see anything miss-" Will stopped mid-sentence, a smile growing on his face. "Are you serious? Please tell me you're serious."

"I'm serious," I comply.

"I can't believe it! We're having a girl!" Will cheered and kissed me before pulling me in for a hug.

"We're having a girl," I repeat and squeeze him tightly. "So, what's this I hear about tea parties, hair braiding, and princess stories?"

Will laughed. "Maggie told you?"

"Yeah. Just this morning," I say. "It's cute. Adorable, really. You're gonna be an amazing father to her, Will."

"And you're gonna be an amazing mother," Will returned. "God, this is so exciting! I need to call Jay and tell him! He's been asking for updates all day."

"Of course he has. What am I gonna do with the two of you? Go ahead," I urge. "While you do that, I've got to tell a very impatient charge nurse. I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

Will nodded. "Okay. Ooh, tomorrow, can we go to the store and pick out some paint? Jay's got the day off and can come over to help me paint."

"Sure. Sounds like a plan," I comment and give his hand a small squeeze. "Now go ahead and call Jay. You look like you're gonna explode. I'm going to talk to Maggie for a second, and then I'll be right back. Then the two of us can start discussing the nursery."

____________________________

Tag List:

@prettypyschoinpink @securityfriendly-jay @scarletsoldierrr @lorenakaspersen @virtualreader @carnationworld @caitsymichelle13 @ncostin2001 @evangeline91 @just-arather-veryconfused-being @generalfarmmuffinagle @kaitlyn-marie-a @shywritermoon @jbbarnes212 @multifandom-loser @wanniiieeee @sesamepancakes @king-crockett @pinkbay-love @winterberryfox @anotherfan07 @i-like-sparkly-things

[stevesbestgirl]

A Moment of Your Time - Part 24

Soft!Mob!Bucky x F!Reader

3044 words

Series Masterlist

Warnings: sexual content, daddy kink, a hint of exhibitionism, cockwarming

A/N: Not proofread yet, sorry this took so long. I've been procrastinating writing this series because we're approaching the end and I don't want to be done with it. I'll proof read and do my taglist later!

Dancing around the kitchen, you hummed along with the music as you cooked. You’d checked in with Wanda and she insisted she was fine, but you knew today was her doctor’s appointment, so you were making them dinner. You’d even called your mom and convinced her to give you her casserole recipe- only after she’d refused to just make it for you.

It was probably better this way though; Bucky was working and you needed to stay busy. All you had to work on was a jacket adjustment for Pepper and you needed to take another trip to the library, but that could wait until you were out with Clint tomorrow. It was a bad idea to interrupt Bucky, considering the mood he’d been in for the past week.

After your comment about the cigarettes, he’d insisted he was done with them. You’d thought it was sweet at first, but at this point, you kind of wished he’d just call it quits on quitting. He wouldn’t snap at you, but the crease between his brows rarely seemed to leave now.

To cheer him up, you started some cookies after you finished with the casserole. Sliding the first batch in the oven, you sang under your breath, excited to see Bucky’s face when you brought him fresh cookies. Closing the oven door, you moved away in a little twirl.

“Whoa, careful!” Bucky let out a soft ‘oomph’ as you spun into his chest, “What’re you doin’?” He wrapped his arms around your torso and nuzzled your neck.

“It was gonna be a surprise,” you pouted. “I thought you’d be busy all afternoon.”

He chuckled, brushing his lips over yours, “You want me to go?”

“No.” You pressed your lips more firmly to his, tasting the faint remnants of tobacco. 

Unconsciously, your nose wrinkled and Bucky huffed, “Good god, woman, you’re like a bloodhound.” He stepped away, opening the fridge with a sigh, “I’m sorry, doll. I smoked a little.”

You rubbed his arm, “Bucky, I’m not asking you to quit. I don’t mind.”

He ran a hand through his hair, “I know, I know. But I want my girl to wanna kiss me, so I am quitting. It was just one.” 

You cupped his face, “James Barnes, you are the sweetest man on the planet. And I do wanna kiss you, smoky or not.”

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a half-smile, “Sweetest man on the planet, huh? Maybe for you, doll, but I gotta feeling some people might disagree.”

You hummed, brushing your lips over his again, “Fine, just for me then. And I appreciate it enough for everyone.”

His palms skimmed down either side of your hips, “How much do you appreciate it?”

You laughed, “Not enough to let my cookies burn.” He scattered kisses over your neck, dragging his teeth over the soft skin. “Bucky,” you pleaded. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

He lifted his head, pressing his forehead to yours, “Come keep me company?”

Smiling, you agreed, “Once the cookies are done.”

“Deal.”

You pecked him on the lips, “Go on.” 

He let his hands drift further until he was palming your backside, stealing another kiss. Dipping his tongue in your mouth, he stole your breath away, leaving you gazing up at him dimly until he released his hold on you.

He smirked, “I’m goin’.”

You didn’t want him to leave now and he knew it. You glanced at the egg timer ticking on the counter and sighed. Busying yourself preparing the next tray of cookies, you tried to forget the way your skin felt flushed; Bucky always knew how to get you riled up.

By the time you finished the cookies, you’d calmed down a little bit. Plating a few cookies and grabbing the casserole, you decided to deliver the food to Wanda and Vision before visiting Bucky- god only knew how long he’d keep you busy for.

“Hello Thor,” you said as you left the apartment. “Here,” you handed him a couple of cookies from the plate, “Snickerdoodles.” It wasn’t until he brightened slightly that you noticed the faint slump in his shoulders as he thanked you. “Everything alright?”

He straightened, “Of course. Do you require a ride?”

You smiled, “No, just taking some dinner to Wanda and Vision. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Leaving him to his post, you took the elevator down to the third floor, hoping that Wanda and Vision were back from the doctor’s office by now. When the door opened, you breathed a sigh of relief, “Hi Wan, glad to see you up and about.”

She nodded, gaze falling on the dish in your hands, “Hi, what’s all this?”

“I knew you weren’t feeling well and I wasn’t sure how long you’d be gone so I thought I would save you the trouble of cooking tonight.” You held out the baking dish with a bashful smile, “And I threw in some cookies.”

To your surprise, her eyes grew glassy, “That’s so sweet of you, Y/N. Thank you so much.” 

“You might wanna taste it before you thank me too much,” you joked nervously hoping you hadn’t come at a bad time.

She chuckled, accepting the dishes, “I’m sure it’s wonderful, I’ll be right back, alright?”

You nodded and took a seat on the sofa to wait for her. A minute ticked by, then two, and you started to wonder if you should check on her. You didn’t want to be rude, but luckily, just as you were about to rise, she returned, bustling over to sit beside you, “Sorry it took longer than I expected. But Vis and I decided it would be okay to tell you.”

“Is everything okay? I don’t want to pry-”

“We’re pregnant,” Wanda said, cutting you off mid-worry.

Your eyes went wide, “Wanda, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!”

Wanda nodded, beaming, “I can’t believe it. We’ve been trying for so long, it feels like a miracle.”

“It is a miracle, Wan, congratulations!” You laughed, “And what a relief too- I’m glad you aren’t sick.”

She rested her hand over yours, “I’m sorry to have made you worry,  but Vision didn’t want to waste Mr. Barnes’ time if we were wrong.” 

“No, of course, I understand.”

“You can tell Mr. Barnes, if you like,” she offered. “Really, you’d be doing me a favor- I think Vis needs some time to process.”

“Of course. Speaking of, I should get back upstairs before he starts to worry.”

Wanda rose, escorting you to the door, “Thank you again for dinner, Y/N. You’re a lifesaver.”

You smiled, “Anytime. And congratulations again, to both of you.” Wanda beamed and waved goodbye as you strode inside the elevator. 

Back upstairs, Thor was still at his post outside the door. You offered him a smile on your way past, but he stopped you, “Y/N, may I ask you something?”

“Of course.” You glanced at the door, hoping Bucky hadn’t noticed your absence. 

“I suppose it’s more of a request than a question,” Thor admitted. “Clint said you may be able to help.”

You felt your brow furrow, “I can try. What do you need?”

“This coming Saturday is my anniversary with Jane.” He grimaced, “It may have slipped my mind and I am scheduled to work.”

“You can’t take it off?”

“The boss gets,” he paused, “Annoyed if we don’t give enough notice.”

You connected the dots, “So, you want me to ask him.” He nodded and you chewed your lip, “I could ask him, but I don’t think he would take that well. I think I can still help though. Give me five minutes with him and then come ask.”

He didn’t look completely convinced, but he nodded. You gave him a reassuring smile and slipped inside, quickly plating a few cookies and nudging the office door open with your hip.

“I was starting to wonder if I was gonna have to come get you, doll,” Bucky’s voice rang out. He sounded playful, which bode well for you and Thor.

Setting the cookies on the desk in front of him, you slid into his lap, draping your arms around his neck, “Sorry, thought I’d give you a little time to miss me.” You brushed your lips over his, your apology more of a tease than anything.

He gave a soft chuckle, dropping his pen on the desk to run his hands over your thigh, “You wanna make it up to me?”

You smiled, brushing your fingers through his hair, which was growing long, “Now?”

His hand dipped under your skirt, “Why not?”

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Bucky practically growled, glaring at the door, and you had a moment of panic; you’d wanted to put Bucky in a good mood, but if he was annoyed at being interrupted, it might backfire.

You breathed on the shell of his ear, “After. If you behave yourself.”

He traced his lower lip with the tip of his tongue, “Come in.” His hands clamped down on your hips, keeping you pinned to his lap.

Thor shuffled in, hands clasped behind his back and looking sheepish, “Sir.”

“Thor.” Bucky’s tone was all business, no trace of the softness from moments ago.

“I know it’s short-notice, but I wanted to request this coming Saturday off, if possible.” You sent him a pointed look, urging him to elaborate. “It is my anniversary with Jane and I would like to take her to dinner.”

Before Bucky could respond, you squealed, “Oh, that’s so sweet! Where are you taking her?”

Thor sent a glance at Bucky before answering, “Well, she likes that restaurant, Joseph’s, so I was hoping to take her there.”

“It’s already Wednesday, Thor. A little more notice would have been nice.” Bucky sounded annoyed, just as Thor had said.

You turned your gaze to Bucky, eyes pleading. He didn’t turn his head, but you saw his eyes flicker your way before he suppressed a sigh, lazily waving a ringed hand, “Fine, you’re off the hook. But you’re covering door duty twice next week. Now get back to your post.”

Thor nodded, “Thank you, sir.” He made a hasty retreat before Bucky could change his mind.

Once the door closed behind him, you snuggled into Bucky’s neck, “That was nice of you.”

He cupped your chin, “Nice had nothing to do with it, doll.” He captured your lips in a bruising kiss, his other had disappearing back under your skirt. His rings were cool on your thigh as his palm slid up your leg. When he broke away, he smiled at your flushed cheeks, “You gonna keep my cock warm while I work, baby?” Biting down on your lip, you nodded. He chuckled, murmuring as he unbuckled his belt, “There’s my good girl.”

Your heart skipped at his praise and you marveled for a moment at the way he’d turned the tables on you. You’d come here in control and now your mouth was watering as he pulled his cock out. You adjusted your skirt and paused, your gaze between his legs. He was already hard- you’d known that much from sitting in his lap, but seeing it made your skin flush with heat.

He cupped your cheek, brushing your lips with his, “C’mon baby, let me fill you up.”

A whimper escaped as he rubbed the head of his cock against your core. Lowering yourself back into his lap so you were straddling him, you could feel every inch of his length, a louder whimper following the first. Bucky let out a grunt as he bottomed out, his eyes fluttering shut as his head tipped back. 

Desperate for friction, your walls clenched around him, making his breath catch. But he quickly collected himself, tsking, “None of that, sweetheart, or you’ll distract me from my work.”

“Bucky-”

“After, if you behave yourself.” He echoed your own words back to you and you almost regretted your decision to tease him. Almost. 

You grabbed the book you’d left on his desk last time you were in here, but you couldn’t string more than three words together. The feeling of him inside you was distracting to say the least. You didn’t understand how Bucky could be reading over a business contract, seemingly unbothered by his cock buried inside you.

Determined not to be the only one bothered, you rolled your hips, adjusting your seat in his lap slightly. “Doll,” he warned, glancing at you with an eyebrow raised.

“Just getting comfortable,” you said, innocently meeting his gaze. 

“Mm,” he pursed his lips, clearly not believing your lie. Playing coy, you snuggled into his chest, book still between your fingers. This time, his voice was a little ragged, “I’ll tell you once more to keep still, sweets.” 

You gazed up at him, “‘M sorry, Bucky, am I bothering you?”

He breathed in your ear, warning low, “You know what you’re doing.” His breath gave you goosebumps and a small whine escaped your lips as you clenched down on him again, this time unconsciously. 

“You just can’t be patient, can you, sweetheart?” he growled, setting down the page he’d been examining. “Need my cock, huh?” Without warning, he bucked his hips up beneath you, making you cry out as his head pressed deeper inside of you. “What do you say, hm?”

“Please, Bucky,” you whimpered as his hips went still again.

He chuckled low, a dangerous sound, “C’mon baby, you know better than that.”

“Please Daddy,” you pleaded, peppering kisses over his neck as though they would soothe the ache inside you.

“There you go,” he purred. He tipped your chin up, slotting his lips over yours, “Go on then. Use me, sweetheart.”

At his go-ahead, your hips rolled against him, drawing a moan from deep in your belly at the the drag of him against your walls. His teeth were on your neck, dragging over your skin, leaving marks that were sure to bruise. 

You writhed in his lap, your mouth falling open as soft pants spilled from your lips. Bucky murmured filthy things in your ear, his breath soft on your neck, “Daddy’s little slut just couldn’t wait for me to finish my work, hm? You needed my cock right away, didn’t you? Needed to fuck yourself right here in my office where anyone could walk in and see how needy my baby is.”

“Yes,” you panted, “Yes, Daddy.”

“Good,” he growled. “I want them all to know that you belong to me. Let ‘em hear you, sweets.” He bucked his hips up to meet you as you sank down on him, matching your pace until you cried out as your climax washed over you with surprising speed. Your hips stuttered as Bucky buried himself inside you, his next words dying on his tongue in favor of a soft groan.

Wrapping his arms around you, he held you close as you buried your head in his neck. Once the high wore off and your breathing began to level out, you realized he hadn’t worn a condom this time. 

“Fuck,” you whispered, thinking of Wanda and Vision. Grazing your fingers over your stomach, you thought of the life growing inside your friend.

Bucky chuckled, misinterpreting your curse word for one of pleasure, “What are you thinking, doll?” He traced his hand down the line of your spine.

You answered without lifting your head, “About Vision and Wanda.” 

His chest rumbled with another laugh, “Oh really?”

You realized how strange that sounded, “Oh- no, I mean- They’re having a baby.” You hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but it was weighing heavily on your mind with his cock still buried inside you. 

You could practically feel his gaze fall to the hand you had resting on your stomach, “Oh.” You couldn’t read his tone, but his hand slid over yours.

“It’s strange,” you murmured. “I hadn’t really given it much thought before. I was more focused on finding my soulmate and then I thought I’d know what I wanted. But the idea of a baby still scares the hell out of me.” You paused, embarrassment warming your cheeks, “But somehow, I’m a little jealous.”

Bucky squeezed your hand, “I’m no expert on what’s normal, but I would bet that if you asked those two how they’re feeling right now, they’d say they’re terrified.”

“You think?”

He chuckled, “I’m not scared of much, doll. But having a baby would probably do the trick.”

“So, you don’t want kids?” The way your throat tightened in anticipation made it obvious to you which side of the fence you’d landed on.

He brushed his thumb over the back of your hand, “A couple months ago, I would’ve said no. I never wanted to bring a kid into this life- to make them a target in a game they didn’t sign up to play. I didn’t wanna be like my old man.” You waited; he seemed to be musing this out as he went. “But I thought I didn’t want this either,” he squeezed your hand again. “And here you are, making my life better- making me better. So, maybe if we had a kid, I could be better for him too.”

You sat up, brushing your thumb over the scruff on his cheek, “Buck, I think you’d be a great dad as you are- if that’s what you want.” He didn’t say anything else, but the way he met your gaze answered the question. “Don’t change anything- I like you the way you are too.”

He gave you a wry smile, “I dunno, doll. My hair’s getting pretty long, I should probably cut it.”

You rolled your eyes at the joke, sliding your hands back to twist your fingers in his hair, “I like it.”

He laughed aloud, “Sweetheart, I’ll be looking like a beatnik pretty soon here.”

You leaned in, brushing his nose with yours, “Yeah, but you’ll be my beatnik.” You adjusted your hips ever so slightly, relishing the way his lips parted in a soft groan.

His gaze locked onto your mouth, his tongue tracing his lower lip as his hands burrowed back under your skirt, “That might not be so bad.”

[brideofcthulhu10]

The Lost Boys Find Out Their Fem!S/O is Pregnant [4/4]

SUBJECT WARNING: PHYSICAL AGRESSION, SEXUAL THEMES AND A WHOLE LOT OF SWEARING. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Alrighty then, my lovely fang babes! Here we are, we have the last of the first edition of the pregnancy saga! Worry not, dearest readers, for there is hope! I plan on doing a separate series about going through the pregnancy, and maybe even going through the childbirth with how the boys are as new dads. Let me know in the comments if you'd like to see more, and by tomorrow night we'll have a whole new set to love!

It was such a blast writing Paul's, I'm not gonna lie I got lost in the magic! We have a cute little character cameo for all you 80s movie nerds, lemme know if you can figure out what it is! So, without any more delays; here he is. The gorgeous, the goofy, the one, the only:

PAUL

Today had been an unexpected challenge. You barely got through your shift at the record store, every time you were in light it made you dizzy. Hangovers had nothing on this! Did you drink too much the night before? No, now that you thought about it any attempts to drink had you hugging a toilet. Not to mention your period was late as hell! Well, not the cramps, go figure. Just no blood. None at all. 

You never let on to your beau, Paul, though. The party boy vampire would become overly worried if you told him you were sick, and you weren't about to spoil a good time with a bit of nausea. So here you were, stumbling about the day into the late afternoon absolutely miserable. Your manager Iona offered you some crackers and ginger ale during your lunch break. No dice, within an hour you were running to the bathroom again. 

"Gosh hon, I dunno what ta tell ya. Maybe you ate something nasty, I told you that boardwalk food was fishy," Iona sighed, poking at her own lunch with a fork. Currently your coworker Andie was watching the front until you were feeling better.

"Kill me now, Iona," you groaned, chin resting on the table with your arms laid over your head. Then there was a smell. The greatest, most flavorful, mouthwatering scent you've ever experienced. Like a honey baked ham and a New York sirloin had a glorious new baby drizzled in ecstasy. Glancing over, your stomach growled at whatever it could be. If this were a cartoon you'd be flying to what it was.

Oddly enough, it was coming from Iona. Well, whatever black stuff was in her little plastic tupperware dish. Who cares what it was, it smelled incredible.

"Hey uh..," you asked, leaning over towards the sticky, mysterious delicacy calling your name. "You wouldn't mind if I had a bite, would ya?"

"You sure, hon? This isn't exactly your average dish, it's kinda weird," she tried to explain. God you couldn't take your eyes off it! Finally, your merciful manager pushed it your way, and you couldn't resist any longer. 

"I don't even care, this is the first thing in the past two days that hasn't made me nauseous," you muffled between cosmic bites.

Oh shit, this was heaven! It had to be some sort of meat, it reminded her of a nice spicy kielbasa, a slow roasted brisket, every second it changed to some new world of food you had never tried. What it was didn't matter by this point.

"Wooow. I've never met someone who liked black pudding that much."

Pudding? "I thought it was meat or something? It doesn't taste anything like pudding," you insisted, polishing off the very last specs of it. "Got any more?"

"No, no, not like chocolate pudding or stuff like that, kiddo. black pudding. It's this dish from the UK my new boyfriend made me. It's congealed pig's and cow blood mixed with spices."

You made a face. Blood? Like, blood blood? The cow equivalent of what Paul drank on a daily basis? Yet this was the first time you didn't puke, in fact, you kinda wanted more. Even knowing what is was made of.. for some reason you craved more. Meanwhile Iona continued to talk on and on, until one phrase caught your ears. "Yea, ya know my mom was so into for the longest time. Said she craved it her whole pregnancy, I never got a taste for it honestly."

A single thought popped into your head. A dangerous, foreboding thought that your intuition said was very much a possibility. In a flash you jumped up, nearly slamming your hands on the table. "I gotta go. Oh shit, I gotta go! I'll be right back, I swear, I'm so sorry, I swear to god I'll be right back," you shouted as you bolted out of the store.

"Wait what-?!"

You'd make it up to her once you got back. You had to know! You had to be sure..! Please just let it be paranoia! Please let it be anything, anything at all besides what you thought it was!

Once you reached the nearest CVS you made a B-line to the women's health section. Your hair clung to your face, your lungs stung like crazy but all you could think about was getting answers. And cue the disapproving glare of some old bat picking out a box of pads. Alright being 17 in front of the pregnancy tests looked bad. You weren't just a high schooler, you looked it too. "What're you looking at, " you snarl. Immediately she clutched her pearls, startled by this abrasive youngin' in no mood for dirty looks. God why'd there have to be so many options? Pink boxes, purple ones, bright yellow insisting it worked the fastest. The heavy fluorescent lights were no help at all, it made your head spin. You had no time for this crap. In a sweeping motion you grabbed three different brands and threw them into your basket, all you needed was….where was your wallet? Shit... Glancing around you checked for any nearby cameras or staff. Karma be damned, it was an emergency! Five finger discount it was. 

Once again you made a mad dash back to the record store as the sun finally set. All three boxes were crumpled in your hand, your boots running so fast it you hit a rock that'd be it.

But getting back to the record store was your best bet. You weren't about to pee in some dirty, old, nasty pharmacy bathroo- oh fuck. There was something that finally slowed your steps, nearly making you trip in the process. Four bikes parked right outside. Three of which were occupied by by Dwayne, David and Marko all talking amongst themselves.

Shiiiit, shit, shit! All you could do was swear repeatedly. Before they could spot you, you practically dove into the alleyway behind the store, rapidly disabling the alarm. If that went off it'd be a dead giveaway. Quickly you looked left and right before you slammed the door shut behind you still trying to catch air.

But there, right past the door to the employees lounge, over by the counter you could see a mass of blonde hair chatting away with Iona about Led Zeppelin's best album to date. Paul, gorgeous as every, laughing. It made your heart flutter, but then it sank. What if it was a-... He was never the type to run away from a challenge. But then again, a kid wasn't a challenge, it was a massive ordeal. It would take a huge chunk of his life- well, afterlife! Boozing and cruising would be switched out with drowsy days and busy nights. You weren't sure if you wanted him to know if you were, it would take all that from him. Unfortunately, he must've smelled you or sonething, because immediately he turned around like a puppy being called.

"Babe," he cheered with delight, rushing over to hug you. Rather squeeze you by your hips and lift you four feet off the ground. Quickly you stuffed the skinny boxes into your back pocket, now smushed up against his chest. "Where were you? Ion's said you just bolted mid-shift, we were worried sick! Well, I mean, I was more worried though, cuz I can't stand you bein' gone, kitten."

"Well, yeah uh, I forgot something I had to get at the store, and I forgot what time I got off," you hesitated, still antsy to escape to the bathroom. Truthfully you didn't actually want to, you had to! If you could, you'd just kiss him and ride off into the night to raise some hell like you always did. But this was too big to ignore.

Paul raised a brow. You weren't known for being this jumpy. You wouldn't look him in the eyes, they just kept darting towards the bathroom. Boy, you really did look sick, though. Pale, almost greenish with dark circles under your eyes. You even felt colder than usual. "Am I uh, interrupting something, babe?"

You managed to work out if his arms, giggling nervously. "Actually I-I had some of Iona's lunch earlier, and I just, gotta- be right back!"

With that, you bolted into the bathroom and slammed the door behind you. Again, weird. Paul just shrugged, maybe you had some bad Mexican.

 Iona wasn't convinced. Little miss jumpy-pants skipping out on her, you owed her an explanation. While Paul perused the albums she sunk over to the bathroom, rapidly tapping on the door. "Y/N! Psst! You good in there, hon?"

You were most certainly NOT good! Your hand shook, the third test finally finished. Not like it mattered! They all said the same thing. Every fucking one of them.

Positive. Positive. Positive.

No, no, no!

"Shit," you hissed. "Shit! Oh shit, oh fuck! Fuck-fuckity shit fuck fuck! Dammit." That's all you could do! You swore over, and over, and over, rapidly kicking the wall in front of you. Stupid pink plus! Why? Why did it have to be a plus?? Immediately you threw it in the trash and scooped up the other two. Maybe they were all flukes? Maybe only a doctor could tell you! You had to get home. Like now. Right now, you just had to rush home, make an appointment at the doctors, maybe hide in shame for a few days just until you could figure out what the hell to do with all this! Once again you wedged the tests in your back pocket and nearly tripped, cracking open the door to face your boss. "Iona, I gotta get home."

"Seriously, Y/N?? Why? What is with you?"

"Please, I swear I will make it up to you, I'll take a double shift, I'll wash your damn car-"

"Oh no, nuh-uh. Not until you tell me why you're being such a spaz," she practically shouted in a hissing whisper, absolutely exasperated. You teens and your drama, when she always said she wanted to fell young again this is NOT what she meant!  

"Listen i-... iyay amyay egnantpray," you whispered. Pig latin. It was a little code you two usually reserved for secrets. Well, that and talking smack about snotty customers. But wow was this a big ol' secret. 

Iona covered her mouth. Oh, you little idiot! You poor little idiot. Looking over at the unsuspecting boyfriend she sighed, looking you in the eyes. She wanted to just tell you to come clean to your man. The boy hung around you constantly, you two were the ultimate it-couple, there wasn't even sparks it was like watching supernovas. Something this big.. it shouldn't be left in the dark!

But that pitiful expression on your face just begged her to keep quiet, and frankly it wasn't her place to tell you what to do- well, at least in this regard. "Alright, alright. This saturday you're taking my night time shift, there's a big concert I wanna go to. And you gotta wax my car, it's gettin' nasty. And you better write the best damn apology note in the history of apology notes, sweetie. This is huge, you better come clean to him eventually, or I'll kick your little butt you hear me?"

"Yes. Absolutely, fine, deal. Just please, please keep him busy, I'm not ready to tell him," you whined, clutching the door. Frankly it sounded like a piss poor plan, but it couldn't be helped, not right now at least. You didn't have the strength to confront the situation head on, you were barely keeping it together. You wanted to cry all over, jump into his arms and come clean now, but this was neither the time or place.

As soon as Iona went to go over to Paul you stuffed the tests into your purse and bolted out the back door, only this time stealth was not on your side. Right at the mouth of the alleyway, just as you were about to be home free- you ran smack dab into a particularly lithe blonde that felt like a brick wall. You went flying onto the ground, your purse crashing onto concrete with a hundred pieces of your privacy going every direction. In a panic you began to rapidly stuff it all back, barely able to hide the first two tests as you threw some half baked apology Marko's way. Honestly he deserved a better one than that, but you were too frazzled to be fair at the moment.

"Oh shit, Y/N," Marko exclaimed, immediately kneeling down to help you gather the scattered remains of your purse. "Sorry, I didn't even see you, I was coming back for a smoke. Big Ed is such a douche, can you believe theres no smoking on the-..." His words trailed off, and you shortly saw why. Grasped between his pointer finger and thumb was the little pink strip, and a look of complete disbelief. All you could do was snatch it from him, a heavy moment of silence magically muffling the wild noise and shouts of the busy boardwalk. 

"Do...D-Don't worry about it. Look, I gotta get home, I'll see you arou-," you started, trying to jump up, maybe catch him off guard and make a run for it. Not this time. 

You hadn't even noticed he grabbed your wrist, it was such a blur. He stayed silent, standing up and looking right into your eyes with hidden malcontent. You swore if you answered wrong this mischievous cat would tear your throat out. After all, you were his best friend's girl. If you did anything, ANYTHING, to hurt him... Well, let's just say a pregnancy would be the least of your worries. "Why are you running, Y/N? What the hell is this thing," he asked quietly, eyes flickering between red and blue. "Did you…?"

"Oh don't fuckin' even," You snapped, smacking his arm, yanking your hand out of his grasp. "Of course not! You butt! God, are you serious? What do you take me for- No! I- fuck I just- no!" You kick the tin trash can beside you, watching a plethora of trash fly into the air. "I am freaking out! Of course it's Paul's. Oh fucking god, it's Paul's and I don't know what to do!"

Marko's expression softened, placing a hand on your shoulder. "Hey, I didn't mean to make it sound like that, Y/N. Paul's my friend, I just had to be sure you weren't sneaking around, you know?"

You sighed, pushing back your mess of a hair with misty eyes. This was perfect, a real big screw up from start to finish. All you could do was look over at Marko with pleading eyes. "You can't tell him yet. Please, just please please PLEASE, Marko, don't tell Paul yet!"

"Tell me what, babe?"

Shit. Shit on a stick. You looked behind to see Paul halfway out the back door with a look of concern, one that he rarely carried. You and your dumb mouth, go figure.

The blonde pushed through and let the door close behind him, looking over at his best bud standing alone with his girlfriend who was begging him to keep something secret, from him no less.

 "Marko?"

"Nah, nah, don't look at me man, this is all on you guys," he sighed, hands up in a shielding motion. "Good luck buddy. Gotta go, Y/N." with that the young vampire excused himself from this melting pot of drama, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

You just stood there, keeping the little strip tightly grasped behind your back. Paul was silent, but glancing at his hands you saw they were balled so tight his knuckles were white. "P-paul…," you hesitated, biting down on your bottom lip. "I should really… get home.."

Paul only raised a brow, glancing at your arms still tucked behind you. This wasn't like you to hide from him, and that alone frightened him. Nothing had ever frightened him before. And he didn't like the taste of it one bit. "What's behind your back, babe?"

"What?"

Again his spoke, this time his voice lowered into a low growl. "What... do you have... behind your back, babe?" The way he said it was so firm, it made you shake a little. You didn't like stern Paul. They way he hissed the word "babe", practically spoken through clenched teeth

Your throat ached, eyes darting across the ground struggling to think up a good excuse. Anything. A book, your purse, a surprise for him! Anything!

"N-nothing." Apparently, you failed to find any excuses. Great.

Paul's knuckles began to crack, jumping forward to try and snatch it from behind you. When you dodged him, he grew even more furious. You both began to struggle, pushing him away, insisting he just stop and let you leave. But every attempt to reject him only upset him further. Why were you hiding things from him?! How could you just ditch him at the record store when he was worried sick about you??

The struggle built up until finally he had enough. His eyes turned white with rings of fire, brow looming heavily over his eyes and fangs jutting out where his incisors once were. In a flash he grabbed you by you wrists, pinning you so hard to the wall it shook. You still tried to struggle. Thrash, kick, squirm! Steel wished it could be so strong, your muscles ached. This probably wasn't even his full strength, but it dwarfed you in comparison. This terrifying side of Paul you had certainly seen before, but never had you been on the receiving end. It was in all sense of the word, predatorial. He'd never try to kill you, but you still felt that horror build up inside. Rapid, sharp breaths made your chest heave, too afraid to look up at those red eyes still fixated on whatever you kept hidden from him. He continued to pry your stubborn fingers open, ignoring your shaking whimpers. He squoze your wrist, the tendons aching and contracting until your fingertips began to lift up. Any resistance was pretty much useless at this point, but dammit you still tried everything to worm out of his grip. But he had finally had it, you weren't gonna be keeping secrets from him. Now your last finger was pushed off, and he could see what was so damn important that you physically fought him to keep it secret. It was almost slow motion the way the strip spun to the ground, clattering down and landing beside his mud caked boots. He froze, slowly looking down at it. That's it? That's all you-...

You could barely read his face, so many different emotions flashing across it all at once. Occasionally he'd look back up at you, then back down at it. To the point you almost got annoyed that you were still being stuck to a wall while the reality set in. After all, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what that was, just put you down already!

Paul looked at you still pinned beneath him, horrified at how he lost his temper and immediately released you. Still rubbing away the pain across your wrists, you watched him pick it up. A wave of guilt swarmed your body, you didn't know whether to hug him or punt him in the chest.

Hell, a massive tidal wave of guilt overflowed him too. It'd been such a long time since he got that angry.. but worst of all he'd never been like that with you. Never grabbed you so forcefully and ignored your pleas, it was a dark side of him he never wanted to display in front of you. Glancing at the little pink plus at the end of the stick, his mind swirled with a plethora of questions. But slowly he stood up, looking down at you still really trying to process everything that had happened in the past few minutes. "I don't… I don't understand.."

"You- You are such an ass," you shouted out of nowhere, enough that it made him jump. There you were. That's the fiery girl he knew, not the one he exactly wanted to be on the opposing side of at the moment, though.

Paul wasn't surprised you were pissed, but he definitely didn't expect you to start punching his arm. Again. Then again, and again you just kept hiting his arms, his chest, pushing and crying, you were so mad you wanted to chuck him in the ocean! It didn't really hurt that much, but he felt awful he drove you to that point.

Tears blurred your vision as you lashed out on him. All you could do was yell names between sobs, even whack him with your purse. "Paul, you absolute jerk! Butt! Jackass! You smarmy, half wit, blood-sucking tool! You said you were packing blanks, you absolute liar! I was gonna tell yo-! I mean, I know I shouldn't have run-! But you just couldn't wait- and then Marko- and you! You ! Jerk ! Butthead !"

"Hey, ow! Ow! Ow, dammit! I know, I know I went to far-ow not the hair dammit," he demanded, grabbing your arms before you could lay another mighty blow. "Babe! Babe, stop! I thought I was! I swear I didn't know- I-..I never thought that I could get you...." His hands slowly released your shoulders, moving to your hips. "I'm so sorry, baby. I swear, I didn't know.. I'm so sorry."

The way his voice softened only made you want to cry more. This whole day was a mess. You didn't mean to try and run.. You never should've tried to in the first place. God, you were so tired. All this running around, all this secrecy, the fighting, it was exhausting. Paul was the last person you wanted to fight. Sure you had spats and a few heated arguments. Every couple did, even vampires. But this, it was just so.m draining. With a firm thud you plopped your forehead on his sternum, your fingers tightly clinging to the upper sleeves of his jacket. "Wh-what am I supposed to do-… what are we supposed to do now..?"

Paul pondered his options with a solemn face, but there was only one that made him happy. Only one that sat right in his heart. What else could he possibly do, there was only ever going to be one answer even if you told him right away. Most of all, he couldn't stand the sorrow in your eyes. A frown never suited such a beautiful face. He never expected there to be anything to come from your heavy sexcapades, it never seemed like there was any risks in it. He'd never seen a vampire munchkin, least of all he'd never even heard of a vamp conceiving with a human. All he knew now is you, crying in his arms, terrified of what you were carrying. What it could mean. In that moment, he steeled his resolve and came to a final decision.

Silently he tilted your chin up, using his thumb to brush away all those tears staining your cheeks. Those blue eyes, you could get lost in them. Swallowed up by the sea. It wasn't hard to read his mind when he held onto your hip with one hand, while the other that pushed away salty droplets now cupped your cheek. Within moments you crashed your mouth into his, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck.

Warm. A surge of heat filled your body. It was the first time you felt truly alive all day. You could feel your chest heave against his, you didn't want any space between the two of you and only pressed tighter until there wasn't anything left. Each kiss gave momentary breath before you dove in for more. Neither of you could stop. You didn't want to pull away, not even for a split second. The way he smelled, the way he tasted, the way he touched you, the way he felt beneath your fingers; it made your head spin. His hands began to wander, you clutched at anything you could get a hold of. Your body burned, so sweet and long. In those moments the world stopped, it just melted away in streams of light. No one was there but you two. 

It was over too soon, both of you rapidly panting for breath still intertwined. Oh, how you could stare into his eyes forever.

That frown was long gone, replaced by a tender smile. The one he had come to cherish. Paul chuckled softly, breathlessly nuzzling against your collar bone. Slowly he leaned in close to your ear, his disheveled blonde hair brushing up against your cheeks. Lips trailed up flesh, reavhing just beneath your ear. And then you heard those three forbidden words. Such sweet, tender words, you hadn't expected him to say. Although he whispered them so softly they might have gotten lost in the wind, to you they were as clear as the moon on a cloudless night.

"Y/N.... I love you."

It made your heart throb, you thought you might even faint. A lifetime of struggles led up to this beautiful moment. You never expected it to be a half-undressed heavy make out session with your vampire lover, the father of your unborn spawn, in the back alley of a record store on the Santa Carla Boardwalk. But here you were, nestled between him and an old brick wall. Paul loved you, he had said it, he finally said those words that could destroy any doubt you had. And more than anything in the whole wide world, you knew once and for all, you loved Paul.

[myatuesday]

I woke up too early today.

In relentless, incapacitating brain fog.

I have so much I need to do that I just can't do right now. Not until I'm better. I'm just...

I've got to get fucking better.

It's ridiculous to be sick this long.

_

My sick days thus far

My period calendar. [Note crossover.]

Fml. I'm exhausted. It's been like the longest goddamn month. And it's not over.

_

I napped for... like 6 hours today

It's.. 2am now.

: sigh :

_

I'm leaving tomorrow. No matter what.

(I haven't been out of the house since like.. Saturday, the 11th, I think.)

Sometimes it helps, to just leave and force myself out into the world to get some fresh air. And sometimes it makes it worse. Who fucking knows this time? But I've gotta try something...

I just feel so fucking awful, still, even with the theraflu and supplements...

Idk how I'm even gonna pull this off.

Very carefully, I guess...

The hardest part is all the energy it takes just to get out the door. Smh.

_

Luckily, my (therapist) appointment isn't until 4PM.

Then sushi after, which will hopefully give me some much needed nutrients (of something other than soup and crackers).

And, if mom can refrain from being a raging cunt (she's supposed to have taken me to the Dr/urgent care so many time over by now. But always squawks at me and pulls here typical shit to get out of it), with any luck, I'll finally goddamn go to the Dr.

🙏🙏🙏

I just need to get through tomorrow

-

Break-wise... idk

It's going...

That's really it's own whole category/conversation.

It's only day 2.

I think, 1 thing I didn't really consider, is that I would be thinking too. Naturally.

: sigh :

I guess I thought I'd just be waiting. And maybe kinda sad/missing him.

And that my energy wouldn't really come forth until after all this.

But it's definitely not that easy.

: sigh :

Today was different.

I'd still chalk it up to mixed feelings, in the end. The end of the day today anyway.

Maybe I'm scared where that will go.

I feel like... all the feelings are going to come up/out by the time this thing is over. For me, anyway.

: sigh :

We'll see.

It's just gonna be a much longer 2 weeks than I considered, maybe.

But maybe not. And today was just a fluke.

There's just so much to process, really, that I haven't. And maybe I didn't want to.

I think I just wanted to move on, move forward.

But, it's hard to forgive and move on from something that's still happening... (!!!)

Whatever. Anyway...

We'll see what happens.

In fairness, as of today, what I want hasn't changed. I still have the same desire, demand, motive, intention, dealbreakers, whatever.

It's just kind of a shame it had to come down to this.

And I would be lying if I said I felt optimistic.

I don't.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3402

a few things and then a rant.

i went to the eye doctor today, to see (ha) them about my retina and my recovery from eye surgery. it's going well, and i'm glad that it's going. i thought it more or less stopped, but the doctor says that you just gotta trust the process, and if there's anything i've learned from watching videos of artists and artisans doing their thing, it's to trust the process. so i am.

they dilated my eyes - both of them - so i couldn't drive immediately after. which was fine, so i took a break for a while in my car and left just before my therapist called, who i talked to on my way home. we talked about the week i've had and things i've noticed this year around the season as it's the first time i haven't been in school or preparing for school at the holidays and how that's making a difference in how i feel.

the timing worked out perfectly for that conversation; i hung up about a minute out from home. and then mom and i went to look for fabric and then my back started hurting and the rest of the afternoon was kind of miserable.

we stopped at the farm shop and picked up some eclairs because i'd been craving them, which was really nice. and then we went home and i was still in pain, so i grabbed the heating pad and went upstairs to lie down and use the heat on my back. i ended up napping after using it for a while. i did shut it off before i fell asleep, though.

i woke up to the smell of onions and a call for dinner. i helped get the table ready for us and got things out and put things down and all sorts of stuff. dinner was good. and after dinner, i helped bring up the boxes of christmas stuff and then take out the leaves from the table. my back was still hurting. eventually i had to stop and i laid down on the floor to try to get it to stop hurting, which worked for a bit.

i really hope my back doesn't hurt tomorrow like it did today. today was pretty miserable because of it.

and now for the rant.

tl;dr: i'm grumpy about money.

i'm really tired of working at the school. i really want to quit. it's frustrating that i can't, though, because i have too many bills to pay and i don't make enough from one job so i have to work three to make ends kind of meet as well as be able to eat and afford gas. it sucks. why does this have to be so fucking hard.

i hate being broke. because i was sick for a bit, it kinda fucked my finances for a long time. so my goal is to not get sick. and to not be out of work. like i could use an injection of two thousand dollars and that might help me recover - the buffer i used to have is completely gone. and so is the money i was given to fix my car. i used it to catch up after being sick.

but then i also have doctors appointments to pay for, and come next year i have to pay for my health insurance as WELL as my doctors appointments, and on top of that and gas and food and my credit cards that have been maxed out because i had to live a few years back without pay for a few months, AND my student loans, im fucked. i don't even spend that much on things that i "don't need." like i have netflix and i have prime and i have a few news subscriptions, but all of that totals less than $50 a month. that's my smallest credit card payment.

but i have to get gas and i have to eat and even though im bad at eating regularly i still try my best. it's frustrating because most of my priorities are fucked in the first place, because i know i need to have such a significant amount set aside for my loans every month.

this is why i think university should be free.

there is absolutely no reason for me - and so many others, for that matter - to be shackled with debt to get a good education simply because we are poor. debt is punishment for being poor. high interest rates are punishment for being poor. lack of access to healthful food is punishment for being poor. and it doesn't help that it gets compounded onto by poor health, bad sleeping habits, and an increased affection of the wealth effect - which is that when money comes in, it gets spent quickly, but it's even worse for poor people because it's not even there in the first place since it goes immediately to paying debts - among many other things.

society and culture in the united states punish people for being poor from the get-go. i'm pretty sure that that's what made me as much of a leftist as i am.

i hate this place. fuck it.

i'm just glad that joel has enough money for what he needs. he also helps support me when i need it and i couldn't be more grateful. he's got good ideas to help me help myself and he's got a level head on his shoulders and i am so so grateful he's in my life because this shit would be fucking miserable without him.