#i've got like. a list of the cards and what i think fits best (i went with the magician for wee john for this because i needed one for him)

[something-about-sunflowers]

Made a post a bit back asking people’s opinions on what tarot card fit Wee John the best, got a few good suggestions but wound up going with something else (even over my initial frustrated joke of making up a new card for fire or smth). Finally got around to doing some concept sketches for the SuperCon Trio (yaaaaay breaking a really long art-block!!), I’d say ‘excuse the shit quality’ but I kinda did that on purpose lmao. Here’s The Magician, The High Priestess, and Justice (wip)!

[skeletoninthemelonland]

I'm sorry about what you're going through with your family. Personally I've never had to move out quickly, but I've been in tight situations to stay out and this is what worked for me. Everything I'm outlining is assuming you're in the US and that you're 18+. If you're younger than 18 you're parents can report you missing and that's a whole shitload of problems.

1. If you don't have a job, get one. Even if it's part time and entry level. Barely any money is better than no money. If you can get a job making good tips, even better. But do what works for you. If you're worried about transportation, look for jobs in a city that has public transport and jobs near either bus or train stops. You can also Google how to build a resume if you don't have one.

2. Try to make a budget as best you can. That shit is hard and frustrating and it seriously sucks. But you'll be able to figure out exactly how much you need for rent, groceries, transportation, and utilities. To get an idea for rent prices, check out Zillow or apartments.com in cities you're interested in. Preferably close to your job so you can spend less on transportation, but not many people get that lucky.

2.5. Look in Facebook, Craigslist, and other sites to find roommates. Roommates will DRASTICALLY decrease your rent cost. But meet them ahead of time, make sure they're legit. Online stalk them, talk with them, their contact info EVERYTHING you can know about them to make sure they're a good fit for you.

*you can do 1 and 2 interchangeably. If you don't know how much you'll need to make to afford an apartment, check out apartment prices first, then look for jobs in that area*

3. Reach out to anyone who can help you move. I know that's hard, but the worst people will say is no (I know that sucks too and I'm sorry I even had to write it) but if people in your life know your situation and that you're trying to leave, that you're working on a tangible plan, they'll be more likely to help.

4. If you're worried about not being able get back in once you're gone, try to pack things discreetly as possible and take only what's important so you can get it in one go. If you've got money to rent a moving truck, even better.

5. Keep tabs on any bills your parents might be paying for you, like a phone bill. You'll need reliable internet to help find jobs and places to live. If you don't think you'll get to have that, get a library card. Libraries have public access to computers and the ability to hook you up with a TON of community services. Plus library cards are free which is nice.

I'm sorry that's all I've got off the top of my head. I hope you get the help you need!! You are loved 💜

thank you so much!!!

though i'm not from the US, some of the things you listed might work for me. i also wanna figure out how i can leave with someone else so we can both work together to sustain ourselves, so i think that should count as a roommate? i can't really abandon them.

i wanna try finding a temporary job (though college classes are suspended now, once it returns they'll take majority of my day) and make comissions.

[melbatron5000]

The confines of a story

Any time you play a game, you need to know the rules. A puzzle has a border, you can't smash the pieces into a spot they don't fit with a hammer (I mean, you can, but it won't look right when you're done), etc.

My mental assumptions are that we are following the rules of stories as told in both novel form and video form. I'm not going to list ALL the rules associated with storytelling in both forms, because whole books and classes have been written about them and the parameters are way too big.

How do I know these rules? Well, I write novels, too. I'm not Neil Gaiman, (and I'm not going to go so far as to say I'm anywhere near his level, looking at you, Magic Trick OP), but the people who've read my books say they like them, so I think I do okay? I never went to school for any of it, but the library was and is my best friend, and I've read as many books and taken as many workshops as I can on this topic. Am I an expert? Nah. I know some stuff. There's always more to know.

So anyhow, some rules:

Rule one: the story has to be generally satisfying and not make people feel betrayed or angry. Hurt is fine, angry at the characters is fine, tricked is fine, but the reader can't feel betrayed or totally let down by the author at the end of the story. It's impossible to avoid this entirely, but most people in general have to agree that the story isn't a betrayal of the reader. The author needs to keep faith with their reader as best they can.

Rule two: in mysteries, all the cards need to be on the table at some point. Misdirection or downplaying of important information or use of double-meaning words are totally fair tactics, but the answer has to be there to be sussed out by a clever observer. (I got really mad when I tried to read murder mysteries for a little while. I figured this rule out very quickly on my own, and I could always spot the killer by the end of the second chapter. I gave up on murder mysteries. HOWEVER, another author I admire wrote a classic murder mystery-style book, and when I spotted the killer in chapter two like always, she had arranged matters so that the killer's motive was shrouded in deep mystery. I burned through that book to find out WHY he dunnit, and when the main character helped the killer escape at the end, I was troubled but satisfied.) But mah point is, all the pieces to the puzzle need to come in the box.

Rule three: (which isn't really a rule so much as an observation and something I myself struggle with), writing fiction can be very hard because people are naturally not good at knowing that other people do not know what they know. You know? Psychological studies have shown that when a person knows something, like where an object is, they develop this sort of assumption that the object's location is OBVIOUS, or that other people also know where the object is or can easily guess it, no matter how hard a time they had guessing it themselves before they were told. So not only do newer writers sometimes struggle to maintain what various characters do and don't know at different times in a story, readers can also struggle with the same thing. Gotta keep your eyes peeled for what information each character actually has, and also keep in mind how easy it is to be fooled when you think you have all the facts. I notice Neil and John taking advantage of this in Good Omens a lot -- the lies that Crowley and Aziraphale tell to the other angels and demons seem really obvious -- but that's because we know they are lying and what they're lying about. When we are lied to, we fall for it as easily as those angels and demons, because we assume we know what's going on. Watch out!

Rule four: you can't break the rules. If you're going to make a wild, avant garde, ground-breaking story, that's pretty much the whole point of the entire story. Twists are fine, emphasizing or de-emphasizing expected tropes or ideas is fine, subverting a trope is fine. Otherwise, you have to stick to ideas, formats, plots, structures, etc., that have come before. For example, just as I started seeing metas about the POV characters in Good Omens 2 jumping around, I had remembered an episode of the X-Files from way back where an "alien landing" is told from three characters' perspectives. When told from the POV of the alien conspiracy-believing kid, the story gets really weird with all kinds of wild things happening. When told from doubting Scully's perspective, it gets very boring and mundane. POV jumping is nothing ground-breakingly new. There won't be anything ground-breakingly new.

Rule five: it has to make sense. Mark Twain once said, "Of course truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense." Once upon a time, a friend of mine who liked to embellish stories told me all about his new fiancee, who he'd met and proposed to all in a few months, who was head over heels for him, a gorgeous red-head, one of triplets. I never met this mystery woman, and then one day he called me to tell me she had died very suddenly and dramatically. I had my suspicions that she wasn't even real in the first place, so I made consoling noises and asked him when and where the funeral was so I could be there for him. I expected to be put off, told some crazy reason why there wouldn't be a funeral or it hadn't been planned yet and I would somehow mysteriously not hear about it until it was over. Instead, he gave me a date and location immediately. I was taken aback. I was even more taken aback when I arrived at the funeral to meet this woman's family, including the remaining red-headed pair from her triplet set, and hear all about what a whirlwind romance she'd had with my friend. If that had been a novel, I would have shut the book and told the author to give me a break. Books and TV and movies and plays can't push the consumers' credulity too much. Readers have to maintain their willingness to suspend their disbelief. It can't get too crazy. What's too crazy? Hard to say, it's kind a of a "I'll know it if I see it" sort of thing. And some people are certainly more willing to go along with something wild than others. The author can only try their best to maintain faith. To tell a story that can be believed.

Anyhow, I dunno if that's helpful at all, but it's sort of the litmus test I'm using to gage all my questions and theories. And what I'm using to shuffle in the metas and theories I like from others.

[queseraone]

Anything with a 1 for the fic game!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?) Oh goddddd what a struggle? I asked @timandlucy to answer this for me, and she said this one (which is, oddly enough, one of my favourite things I've written - it was a fun challenge!) or this one (her Secret Santa gift, so she may be biased there...)

10. How do you decide what to write? If something keeps me up at night, I know I need to write it out of pure spite. Seriously though, if I wake up at 3am thinking about an idea, that alone tells me it's compelling enough and/or excites me enough that I need to follow through with it.

11. Are you partial to a certain character/pairing or are you more equal-opportunity? If you are partial to any character/pairing, why do you think that is? All Chenford, all the time! I absolutely love both Tim and Lucy, and I have so much fun exploring these two characters. But I think if I had to chose, I'd say Tim, purely because (at least generally speaking) he holds his cards closer to the chest than Lucy, so there can be more to play with there.

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you? Hmm, I don't think so? I'm generally pretty open-minded, but once something's on my shit list, it's usually there to stay!

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore? Again, not really? I'm pretty stubborn strong in my opinions!

14. Are there any tropes you would only read if written by a trusted friend or writer? While I can't think of any specific examples at the moment, I definitely think there are lot of sensitive topics thrown around in fanfic that would be better left to someone with greater respect for them. If that makes sense? Writing from a place of care (whether that's pulling from your own experience or from research to develop better understand) is super important to me!

15. What’s your favorite AU that you’ve written? Well thus far, I've only written one, for Linstead. But I have a handful of Chenford ideas bouncing around in my brain! Fingers crossed I can make at least one or two of them happen over summer hiatus!

16. What’s an AU you would love to read (or have read and loved)? One that I've read and loved? Hello, Chenford married at first sight, aka the AU I never knew I needed! (@cfr749 💖)

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it? @timandlucy, you wanna field this one??? 👀😂

18. If you wrote a sequel to i've got my love to keep me warm, what would it involve? I'm not sure if you had a particular fic in mind here? But in general, I'm not sure I've ever envisioned a sequel to anything I've written, simply because most of my fics lean heavily on the "canon compliant" side of things, so I expect canon to give me the next parts hahaha. But there was a time I thought about writing a part two to this one! And, you know, never say never?

Hmm, interesting!! I suppose this fic technically has the most potential for a sequel - the future anniversaries they hint at at the end. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm 🤔

19. If you wrote a spin-off of you know what it was (he is in love), what would it involve? Well given that this is the shortest fic ever, I guess there's potential to explore so many things in more depth. But technically I guess that's not a spin-off. Something similar from Tim's POV I suppose, but the "show you" line was more fitting for Lucy thinking about Tim than the other way around.

21. If you wrote a “missing scene” in i can go anywhere i want (just not home), what would it be? I actually went back to my doc for this one, because funnily enough, there are some things I eliminated for this. Here's a chunk that I ended up not using:

It feels easy at first. As Nova, she’s nervous, more so than she ever cares to let on. It’s her first job, and while she feels a rush at the excitement of it all, she can’t deny that it’s scary. So much is riding on the op—for the department, certainly, but also for herself. It’s her shot to prove herself, to show Harper, Grey, Tim, and everyone else what she’s capable of. But when all is said and done, it’s a relatively short job, and the newness of it all makes the time pass quickly.  She doesn’t feel the nerves as much as Sava. Or maybe she’s just too focused on a different kind of nerves, what with being in such close proximity to Tim and feeling so many things.  Being Sava feels easy and almost natural in a way Lucy doesn’t let herself think too much about, but that she knows is because she has Tim by her side. Sure, the op is intense, but the chance to take down Madras is more important than any of the turmoil she feels inside. And in the blink of an eye, it’s over, and there’s so much going on that she doesn’t really have time to dwell on the job. When Lucy goes under as Jamie Hall, she feels a surprising sense of peace. Perhaps because she’s been through it before, so she knows the ropes. But probably more because she has Tim as her backup. She’s still surprised the department signed off on that, but she’s grateful for the added level of protection it affords her. She’s able to really give in to the case, lean into the rush, because just knowing he’s close keeps the nerves and the isolation at bay. So she’s expecting more of the same this time.

31. What’s your ideal fic length to write? Whatever feels right. As much as I fixate on the word count as I write, I try not to let it control when something is done. If it feels complete at 1000 words, so be it!

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.” This fic feels like an extension of canon in such an incredible way that I feel it should be compulsory reading (@makeitastrength 👏)

Thank you!! 😊

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Wishlist for PJM1

I don't know about about you, but my feeling listening to VIBE is that Jimin, and we as a people, can only go up from here. So I decided to list everything I'd love to happen in PJM1 - from the music, to the potential features/collaborators, to the styling.

The Styling

(I never moved on from this)

For PJM1, I've always hoped Jimin would channel Victor Nikiforov. For my readers who don't watch anime, please bear with me here. I'll explain.

*

*

Platinum grey or silver, waist-long hair. Solid neutral colours on form-fitting pants or anything that highlights Jimin's beautiful dance lines. Victor is a character from the anime Yuri on Ice (highly recommended). He's a world class figure skater, a good-natured and kind person who mentors the main character. And this man is all lean muscle, executing calculated and refined movements while he glides over ice, even when he performs intense and sometimes aggressive routines. He's beautiful and I can't not see Jimin in him.

With this sort of styling on Jimin, I can easily see him switching between elfin elegance and an almost cruel and quiet intensity, or even having both energies co-exist mid-performance. Like an assassin.

Speaking of which, the flipside we've already gotten a preview of:

Credit: @/glossnwild

I know Jimin is blonde right now, likely already filming for PJM1, but what I would give to see Jimin in this styling. His hair being almost waist-long is a firm requirement in my wishlist.

*

The Music

Who should I kill, fuck, or marry to have Jimin on a rock song? What will it take? Because I need the universe to gift us with the one track that will reset all life as we know it - Jimin utilizing his low and upper registers on a rock song. No other genre has the range and versatility to embody anger, joy, sensuality, pain, grief, humour, like rock music. Another wild card I've dreamed of for Jimin, is for him to include a song in the Afrobeats genre (and to collaborate with an actual African artist, not just lift their sound verbatim *cough* B.I.).

Jimin on a song like Vibration by Fireboy DML will solve the birth rate crisis in several countries. It would be club banger of the century.

(Add in a reverse modulation for Jimin to come in with his lower register, a bridge, and an Adonis or two *%#@*! in the MV and it's a wrap)

Looking at the roster of producers Jimin is working with, PJM1 will likely lean more pop and R&B, but at least one song with symphonic metal, folk rock, alternative or psychedelic rock, would suit him perfectly and elevate his album over the current milieu of k-pop.

And this is probably an unpopular opinion, but I love rapper Jimin.

He'll need to work on his breath control, but he's got everything else. If Jimin has even just one song where he simply speaks over a beat, anyway he does it, I might lose it.

*

The Features / Collaborators

Anyone who has followed me for more than a few months has likely seen me gush about:

Taka from ONE OK ROCK,

Tyler from Twenty One Pilots,

Mitch from Pentatonix, and

Asa - a queen and in very loose sense, the French-Nigerian analog to Erykah Badu.

I don't know how to explain it, all I can say is I can hear their voices together in my head and it sounds like paradise. If Jimin has any of those four on PJM1, I'll ask for nothing else.

Fireboy DML whose song I linked above isn't my favourite collaborator to work with Jimin in terms of vocal contrasts, but I do like the music he makes and think Jimin would body any of his songs.

The next best thing, is of course either Yoongi or Jungkook collaborating with him on a track. As this is his first solo album, I wonder if he'll go the route of the rapline so far, in seeking out only voices outside BTS, or if he'll include any of the members on his first album. If he does, Yoonkook has to be the obvious choice because if Who was incredible and Tony Montana made me look twice at Jimin, having either or both members on a song with him is sure to create magic.

*

I've got a few more ideas but don't want to be nitpicky, plus this list is already outlandish enough. Lol.

Anyway, back to streaming Vibe. That song isn't half bad after several listens and two fingers of Laphroaig.

[someonelookingpraediti]

FairyLoot Unboxing

Enchanted Forest October 2023

October's theme is "Enchanted Forest". I was hoping for 'whimsical and mysterious', which isn't exactly what I got.

The featured book is “The Forest Grimm”, by Kathryn Purdie. The dustjacket is a colour swap. I prefer the new green to the original white, but it's not really a good design either way. But the jacket is reversible, and I really like the reverse jacket, and the colour matches the hardcase. The hardcase has amazing foiling, and there are full artwork endpapers with foiling on the border, and incredible artwork sprayed edges.

The first item is an embroidery kit, inspired by "The Forest Grimm". I never bother with these kits, I have no patience for embroidery, and I wouldn't know what to do with it once I'd finished it, so I'd end up binning it.

Next is a set of bag clips, inspired by "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland". These are... awful. Bag clips are such an uninspiring item to get, and even as bag clips they're not very practical in design. A poor quality and unimaginative item.

The next item is... a spoon? It's a cottagecore themed spoon in the shape of a mushroom. It's not in any way practical as an actual spoon, since it's an odd shape, and there are bits of it that aren't glazed. It looks really cool, though. I'm just not sure what its use is.

And we have a photo album. This is a fandom neutral item, and it features a holographic foiled blue forest design on the cover, which I really like. Mostly, I think people use these to store spoiler cards, artwork, or author letters.

The final item is clearly the best, and it's such a great item, which I've never received in a book box before. These are page overlays, to go in "Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries"! I love, love, love page overlays! It doesn't have a list of which pages these match to, so I'm going to save them until I read the book, and fit them in as I come across the matching scenes.

This month's tarot cards are Sophia and Constance from "Cinderella is Dead".

Mostly, this box just isn't good. I'm not impressed with the majority of the items. However, the page overlays are more than enough to make up for the rest of the box - such an exciting item to get, and I really hope we get more of them in the future!

[leeyanyanyaaan]

I FINALLY GOT TO WATCHING S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND LIVE ACTION AND IM???? my god it was so good im lost for words

BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM ALSO MAD AT EVERYONE (read: my dad, who hasnt even seen season 2 for himself bc he heard sm bad reviews) WHO TOLD ME IT WASNT GOOD/DISAPPOINTING AND THAT IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN WORTH IT TO WATCH IT LIKE BRO WTF 😭😭😭💔

hot take: i genuinely think, in my honest opinion, season 2 was done so well and much better than season 1

Keep in mind that, as a self-proclaimed writer, writing comes first to me in any form of media i watch, regardless if its a live adaptation of a series i alrdy know abt or not; my opinion doesnt necessarily come from how "accurate" it is to its original source, but rather if how well its produced as a screen media production - altho i will admit, if i alrdy knew the origin series before the adaptation, i will definitely have some biad from my prior knowledge of the story.

so story time: talking w a friend, he suggested for me to read the alice in borderland manga, and since i only watched s1 of the netflix live action, i was like sure why not and went to read it. then i reached up to where s1 got up to and decided "hey why dont i rewatch all of s1 and then finally watch s2 so i can go in blind + reflect on the differences between LA and the og manga?"

and so i did, and having now freshly rewatched s1 + read the first part of the manga, here is my review: the execution/production of the live action was impressive and done really well, and they made sensible changes and additions to make it work for the show (ESPECIALLY the games that were originally filler chptrs in the manga and showing off arisu's intelligence!), but at times i felt that it didnt pull off the emotional moments/certain story points as well as the manga did. overall (at that point in time) it's definitely really good for a shonen live action if only the emotional moments had a bit more improvement.

and then i went watching s2 99% blind (1% being the fact i read a little bit until king of ♧'s game) and going into s2, from that small bit i read, i was alrdy preferring the direction/writing difference from the manga.

the end of s1 alrdy made a better establishment of the dealers/game management as well as the announcement of the face card games. from what i also saw in the opla, i think one of the necessary changes live actions have to make is to keep and utulize more major characters throughout the story instead of multiple short screen time supports for reasons such as adaptation length constraint, casting + screen time, etc. which i preferred a lot better bc we got more involvement of the supporting cast and the flow of the story was a lot smoother too! the relationship development between arisu and usagi was done so much better too (the konbini convo, im glad they changed how it went and didnt have arisu kissing usagi right then and there), which made their kiss at the onsen so much nicer! and then the queen of ♡s game! my god i loved all the psychological manipulation and more importantly the fact that it made sense!!! EVEN THE ENDING!!! i was waiting to be disappointed by a half-assed ending that made zero sense but i was pleasantly surprised and satisfied with the explanation/logic they gave behind the whole fiasco!

overall, alice in borderland? one of the best live action adaptations i've watched! (up on that list with business proposal, ruruoni kenshin and one piece ^^) i get the feeling that those unsatisfactory reviews of s2 was mainly bc hey couldnt appreciate the final queen of ♡s game psychology, the writing or the ending, and was expecting more action and dramatic ending, but imo it was very fitting considering that alice in borderland imo is more of a psychological series before everything else (like death note)

[lil-scout-precure]

Junior Eurovision 2023 Personal Ranking (by tiers, before the show).

First of all, hello. It's been some of a not long but still some time I've never made a text post here. Some things changed since then: I got a new job as a Web Developer since August (luckily). I'm about to get graduate from University. And well, some thoughts about my future and what I accomplished made me change some ways I think about life (and likings, for better or worse...depends)

But with Junior Eurovision 2023 on the go (and after enjoying Eurovision 2023 to the maximum), I knew I had to make a new opinion list. This time is a tier ranking, as one, most of the songs are ballads and I had to think a better way to rank them depending of my likings and preferences, and two, I'm not as impressed as last year's edition due to the previous fact.

So here it is, my personal tier-ranking for this year's 16 songs competing in Nice, France for the trophy!

Let's explain the ranking tiers, from lower to higher:

"I heard better ones in previous years": Let's face it, they're not too bad or plain as some NQs in adult Eurovision (or even some qualifiers), and for being made by/for children, they are a good start. However, personally, either they didn't catch me and/or I was expecting better from them (Georgia). Therefore, I would be surprised if the live version makes them look better.

"Unlikely but potential Top 5/Winners(?)": While not as awesome as the upper tiers, I found those songs more endearing/moving than the lowest one. And for some cases (France and UK), if placed well in running order and live delivery, who can't say they can't have a good score placing (or maybe, and I say MAYBE, win)?

"Not winners, but I identify myself with them": The wild card of the tiers. While I don't see them winning the contest so easily and there are BETTER songs I like, the reason they are above the two lower tiers is because somehow, by lyrics or the studio video (or both), I ended up sobbing/crying in the middle of work like Elemental's Wade got identified with them. If the staging allows them, they can achieve to be dark horses to get Top 5 or even victory

"I will kill OsterdahlEBU if they mess with the staging or the running order (or place the lower spots)/hj": The difference between these songs and my personal winners is very small (or the perception of the fandom in general). These ones are mostly because I can picture them with a well-done staging and vibes to become legends (and bias in case of Germany, since Ohne Worte deserves the best performance with the sign language detail and love put in it by Fia for her lil sister). And as the title say, the only thing that can totally ruin their chances are either the staging/live performance, and the running order (please NOT Germany starting the contest AGAIN, we know what happened to Pauline and Susan T-T). I wish them ALL the luck I have

"Very nice of them to invite other JESC artists to their concert": In my personal opinion, they have it ALL. They have strength in the song itself, the voices, the vibes, even their live staging (if things go well). Ireland because of the Celtic essence (and FRICKING Sophie Lennon joining Jessica), Spain because of the JESC-fit melody and dreams (please don't remove Sandra's swing, France TV, it's not Loreen's panini press), Netherlands because of their EDM and lifting song, and Armenia because of the UNEXPECTED (yet welcome) K-pop mode they are delivering. My televote is on their side, and they are the first ones I will vote for on Friday 24th. A crime if they somehow are placed LOW.

And that's all. My ranking resumee. In days I will share my more detailed personal opinions by tier. See ya!

[kelleah-meah]

How I Celebrated My 2023 Solar Return

So tomorrow marks a week since I celebrated my birthday, so I guess I should share whether I actually did what I set out to do.

Well, I did give myself permission to not get up at the crack of dawn since I did take the day off work just so I could enjoy the whole day.

I only slept a little later than usual, then I started my day with a meditation session and reading from my book, Chronicles of Tao by Deng Ming-Dao.

It just so happens that I came to a convenient stop in the book that matched my birth date: Page 318 = March 18th.

After my reading my Chronicles of Tao book, I did a tarot reading and pulled a card for the day. My birthday card was the ... Page of Cups. How fitting.

Next, I got dressed in my best Downtown Girl regalia, filled my messenger bag with the essentials, and headed into the city. It was an unusually sunny and slightly warm for mid-March day, and as someone who hates the cold despite being born in winter, I was quite grateful for that.

My destination: the East Village.

I was originally planning to go to Mud by myself, but at the last minute, my buddy Leslie joined me. It was a great catching up with her, and we ended up staying longer than planned because we were talking so much.

And most importantly, I got to savor my favorite chai in the whole city.

Next, Leslie joined me for my trip to one of the record stores on my list: A-1 Records. I told her that I was on the hunt for Tom Waits albums, but I would likely browse to see what other gems I could find.

Well, unfortunately, the Waits section at A-1 was empty. But we made lemonade out of lemons by slowly going through the R&B section and reminiscing over all of the albums we each remembered hearing growing up. It was a lot of fun, and probably gave me the best memory of my day.

Lemonade out of lemons indeed.

Afterwards, we noticed that the sun was about to set, so Leslie and I parted ways. She headed back uptown, and I made my way over to Physical Graffitea to check out the amazing selection that I heard so much about.

Because they were about to close, I did feel a little bit rushed. But that's not their fault. They told me to take my time, but I didn't want to make them stay too late past their closing time.

But I did get to sniff a few canisters (tee-hee!) and I left with 2 new blends to try. One called the Tummy Tonic (a medicinal blend for indigestion, upset stomachs and colds) and the Peach Blossom (a white tea that smells like peaches). I've only tried the Peach one so far, but I really like it.

Since I missed out on visiting my other 2 record stores (not complaining, just noting), I decided to walk up to the Strand bookstore around Union Square before it closed.

The Strand has vinyl records too and I figured if I couldn't find anything I liked, I could always see what books caught my fancy. And that's exactly what happened.

Their vinyl section was sad, so I wandered around to the fashion section and found 2 used books to take home. One of them was a book on David Bowie's style through the years. I can't wait to read it.

After I left the bookstore, I headed back to my abode in New Jersey. But not before grabbing a quick dinner from a fast food joint. (Hey, I'm not fancy.)

Once at home, I ate dinner while watching one of my favorite episodes of The Great North. (I recently binged that entire show and I think it's hilarious.) Afterwards, I called my mom to chat and catch her up on my day.

I also opened my package that came in the mail while I was out. It was the green cameo ring that I found on Etsy and bought myself for my birthday. It just so happened to arrive on my birthday. How perfect is that!

And with that, I can genuinely say my 2023 birthday was indeed a lovely day.

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[daydreaming-deer]

New Commander Deck

Hello and welcome to my first post. With the release of the new Doctor Who Universes Beyond decks (and the 40k being the first product I bought) I thought now would be the perefect time to talk about a Commander Pair I'm looking at building with the help from Blast from the Past. Presesnting The Third Doctor and Jo Grant

Now this may look like a favourite awkward pair without any Synergies, and this seems to be confirmed with the fact that there isn't a single result of these two being paired on EDHREC. But I'm gonna quickly go over my thought process as to why I wanted to build this list, and maybe give you some extra ideas on how the theory is within the 99, or 98 because of two commanders.

Now I knew I wanted to build Jo as a commander because of the pseudo archetype she puts every historic in, and thats the ability to cycle them for 2 and a White. But my biggest concern was that all of the big cards that benefit cycling are even in the wrong colour combinations, or benefit cards in the Graveyard with the ability, which our cards no longer will. Luckily I found a few options in cards that let you interact with the board when you cycle.

Blink-18Who

Astral Slide basically says anytime a player cycles a card, you get the option to flicker a creature on the board until the end step. Theres also a few cards that help reduce the cost of Cycling. Fluctuator makes the Cycle only cost 1 White, and New Perspectives make its cost nothing once we're able to establish it on the board, and keep our grip. The Third Doctor then became the best option to flicker while still giving us access to 3 Colours. We Need Tokens Damnit. Next job was fitting in extra creatures that either made noncreature tokens on entry, or synergised with the amount of tokens we're making. Cards like Bill The Pony and Rosie Cotton are perfect inlcudes from the LOTR set. My favourite one I found from that set is Brandywise Farmer, which makes a food whenever she ETBs or LTBs, so every flicker with her is guaranteeing 2 Foods. Academy Manufactor was another immediate add in to pile of cards to add in. With a lot of the Doctor Who stuff making Foods and Clues, being able to make an extra mana rock as well is always something you can't turn down. The Grave is no Place for Historics. The last thing I wanted to add to the list was ways to utilise the cards that will eventually end up in the Graveyard. Teshar was an immediate option when I realised a lot of the Creatures are in that 2/3 mana value range. Celestine is a card I've always found to be an immediate addition to any lifegain deck, and while we're making foods, we can be gaining life. One other addition that probably seems weird is Emry, Lurker of the Loch, my reasoning for her is the access to extra artifacts if we used them early for drawing, but also when we pair it with encroaching mycosynth, we can access any nonland in the graveyard each turn.

Conclusion

Thanks for getting this far, I know this is definitely a lot to talk about as a first post but hopefully you get a rough idea on why I think the idea for this deck is fun. I've not been playing the game for too long so a lot of the staples you might expect wont be in the deck, but this is made with the Precon, and 27 cards swapped in total. https://archidekt.com/decks/5641208/blink18who Here is the decklist I've got if people want to look, and let me know what you think.

[sr-colle]

my latest tenso package came in!!

first thing i see after removing the air packaging is shulegs. real unmei moment.

the way the clear file was packed is kinda concerning, as it looks like it's just slightly too big to fit perfectly and one of the corners got bent upward...

but it'll probably be fine after i flatten it under something heavy for a day or two.

so here's everything unplastic'd!

the tcg cards spooked me for a second because i was looking at claude's face through the plastic sleeve and turned him over and saw a weiss schwarz blau card back and i was like !?!??!?!??!??!? until i remembered yuto was in there too lol. claude will be joining my two byleth cipher cards, and i think it'll be cute if i surround yuto with my bandori weiss schwarz cards so it looks like he has an audience 😊

the reiji title pin surprised me with how big it is!!! for some reason i thought it'd be like 3cm wide at most, but it's 6.5cm across and almost 2cm tall!! guess it's to make sure the dense kanji are more legible in itabags and stuff. i only got this title pin since i didn't care as much for the wording of the other one, plus this one is the higher ranked title in dbes so i'm showing the proper amount of oshi-ism 😎

soooo happy to finally have the janus reiji and lrfes shu tickets. when i first decided to start collecting, these were the items i wanted most, as they're my favorite cards for each of them in dbes and the frame design is really beautiful for them!! i love the dots in reiji's romanized name forming an elegant little arc, and the holo elements are really vibrant and gorgeous. i'm going to try my best to make these stand out on my board arrangement since they're so special to me.

confession: i had little idea what the egoistic才Φ shikishi even was when i ordered it. i was just like "song jacket art in some kind of collectible form? add to cart" but i really like it!!! now i want the yume no ato one too lol. there's something really satisfying about nice cardboard (<- predictable words of a collector)

not much to say about desfes sol except that its disc case is identical to the pwy s-sol case, so if i go through with customizing them it's nice that they'll match. not sure if these are original cases or supplied by suruga-ya.

the real prize of this batch is my beloved original reiji acrylic stand, who i never thought i'd be able to obtain for less than 3k... instead i was pointed to a 330 yen listing— unopened!— on some secondhand shop i'd never heard of (lashinbang) and i ordered this thing faster than when i got a stock alert for the tears of the kingdom collector's edition.

interestingly, he appears slightly shorter than suit reiji! it might be the pose though. the art printing quality is also lower, which i'm chalking up to its age in the franchise history, as they probably had a lower budget for merch back then. i won't be looking that close though, so no problem!

his matching kusogaki is on the way, so for now he gets to stand between the suits like a king.

lastly there's the clear file; it has this odd offset effect around the character art and i'm not sure if it's a printing misalignment or intentional or what.

but who cares look at how cool it looks when i put it in front of the window light!!!!

so that's everything!! i've got a buyee order coming soon so i'm holding off on rearranging my board til then. i'm gonna go watch the desfes disc 🌸

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

MY LAPTOP IS BROKEN

i yam typing this from my macbook i got from a stranger on offerup who told meh to meet him at Astoria "outside the station n tht it would b easy to 1dentify them cuz he would b wearing a orange Jumpsuit" like some HAUTE prison couture shit. he Had a thicc new yorker accent n treated it lik a drug deal, he kept looking over his shoulder n sped off once u gave him the monies. LIL DID U KNO the mf macbook would have SPANISH ACCENTS ON IT but it would work perf fine except now the shift button or camera dont work Cuz after this gala, u n one of ur best fwendz were cuddling with alcohol on tha bed and spilled it on the dam thing. u just got told yr jobs closing down cuz they gettin sued and u can't join zoom calls via camera but u just hope for tha best cuz ny unemployment takes 5evvaaa. y kant i just b a rockstar? like hot n paid for it?? Being a rockstar gf is not in tha cards for me anymore tho.

42nd st smells like star anise and herbs ur Dad would brew into tea and ur just trying to get to pacific trimming .. U pass by ur old sugar daddys warehouse n U give urself a ol lil chuckle cuz Ya rly did pull dat shit. Randos at tha store wanna take pix with u n ur still shy n flattered n find it hard to associate with the person on camera vs person in tha mirror, am I tha only one who feels this cognitive / bodily dissonance. ??.?

i curated this list thinkin ab the musician i met lastlast winter who wanted to show me his music, i said sure, n he played me his entire album on his guitar for just a little over an hour while telling me he could order us "the worst coke he's ever done in his life which includes suicidal ideation during the come down.' he apologized profusely afterwards n gave mediocre head. Yes , we have matched on tinder 3 more times. why do i keep swiping rite u ask. Trust me all my toxic traits are still unbenognst to me myself Ni, ok.

one good thing ab living in nyc is that when u need to cry on the subway, no one cares, No one asks u why u have bandages on ur wrists And no one asks if Yr ok after they shove ya real hard cuz they prob need 2 get somewhere real soon . I think i've learned to enjoy tha silence n the weight of what new yorkers rly mean when U catch them staring then they look down rite away. I think it means that they're showing respect tht u most likely wanna be left alone. It's an unspoken code .Band aids fall off the ankles of beautiful women, no one asks to give them tha extra one in their bag. Subway performers, singing their hearts out n expressing themselves so raw and well r ignored. i dont own headphones anymore so i Kan pay attention. i think it means something 2 show someone u listen.

WELL.

...U may hav fallen on a strangers lap on tha C train this week Cuz ur new rock platforms made ya SLIP n SLIDE but ur reminded Ur not the only fucked up one in tha head cuz a few months ago someone sat on ur lap thinking u were a got dam seat too. Subway vibes.

H3AVen was S000 fun in tha CLOUDS w bali bby n Lust sick puppie dancing on stage with yr friends n letting them wear ur pink n glittery tiara just like lindsey Lohan in mean gurls. [these days i rly wish i wuz like regina george. but just the part when she gets hit by a bus.] speaking of lindsey lohan. I SAW THEM ON A PLANET FITNESS COMMERCIAL WHILE STREAMING MI SAD LIL PEEP MIX. likeWTF. tht wuz kinda lit. TIL NXT WEEK MAYB fwendz. ty 4 reading ;3

[merlinbingo]

My dear lovely bingoers!

As I'm sure you all know, today is the end of the month and therefore the end of the bingo, and oh my god are you guys working hard! You've submitted an incredible 95 fills so far this month, which is just 🤯🤯🤯

Anyway, the end of the round equals announcement time:

Announcement the first - Creating a mod team!

I am delighted to welcome two co-mods to the event, @ravengirl42 and @invisibility-superiority! They've both been lovely, enthusiastic participants in round one, and have volunteered to help out with things to come. Everyone give them a big cheer and a warm welcome, okay?

Announcement the second - Masterposts

The deadline for masterposts is 7th November, which means it's about time I told you what I want to see on the masterpost.

Your bingo masterpost should be a list of all the fills you've created for the bingo. If you want to put your bingo card on there, you can – I love actually seeing just how many squares people have crossed off!

In terms of format, I was thinking something like:

Square (number and prompt) - Title - Ship - Rating - Major tags/warnings - Format - Word count (if applicable)

(If you want an example just to help you out, here is my masterpost!)

Announcement the third - What happens next?

In a slight change to my original plans, November will be amnesty month. If you joined midway through the round and missed out on the early bonus badges, or if the thought of your very own bingo card was too daunting and you didn't sign up at all, now is your moment!

In November, you can create fanwork(s) fitting any of the bonus badge themes and claim the relevant badge(s)! 

The bonus badge themes are as follows (click on the month for more details):

February (femslash)

March (journeys)

April (recs & gifts)

May (MerMay)

June (Pride)

July (free time)

August (AUs)

September (food/Autumn)

October (one off characters/items/places)

These don't have to fill squares on your bingo card, anyone can take part, and I'll throw out a simplified form on the 1st November that you can fill out when you post things to make sure we know about your fanwork and you get your badge!

Announcement the fourth - Round two!

I've mentioned before that we'll be running another round next year, but here is definite confirmation for you all: we're coming back! Sign ups for round two will open in the new year, and we've got some more stuff planned to fill the time until they do!

If you've got any questions, just ask and we shall do our best to answer you 🙂

As ever, we look forward to seeing what you create next!

Love,

The Mods

[gingerteaonthetardis]

ok heres one for u! can u give us some examples of when you read a fanfic and thought the descriptions of kisses were *chefs kiss*?

hey, nonny! thanks for this ask! it really got me thinking about what's important to me in fics, and what i really like, which is emotional weight. i think that'll come through in some of my selections, which come from multiple fandoms and multiple authors.

this is, by the way, by no means a comprehensive list:

megabadbunny always does it for me; the way she writes kisses is so emotional, so wonderfully tied into the scene and characterization. big fan. here's a bit of a kiss from her fic minuet (tenrose, explicit):

A strange buzzing fills Rose’s head and her mind goes completely blank.

For a moment that stretches into eternity, she can’t hear anything but her pulse rushing and roaring in her ears, can’t feel anything but the cool pressure of the Doctor’s hands framing her face and the warmth of his breath on her lips.

please consider the genre of kisses-to-make-them-shut-up. it's a favorite genre of mine. starring another favorite fic, my guy (jacob x bella, teen):

His grumbling was suddenly cut short by her lips on his. So soft, so delicate, with the scent of vanilla and woodsmoke still clinging to her hair. Change of plans: neither of them were going home. They were just going to have to stay here forever.

The kiss was short and sweet and left him feeling lightheaded when she pulled away.

"What was that for?" he murmured, their noses still touching. She smirked.

"To shut you up."

it was hard to choose just one of draco_sollicitus's fics—seriously, oh my god—but take what the water gave me has just... the loveliest build-up and eventual release (damerey, explicit):

—he kissed his wife as though it were holy, as though this were a church and he were binding himself to her; he kissed her with no audience but the sea meeting the land in a distant echo that made promises that resembled forever.

every kiss lostinfic writes is absolutely killer, tbh. here's a lovely, seasonal one from meet me on the equinox (hannah x hardy, explicit):

A deep breath, and he dipped his head to kiss her. Just a brush of lips at first, enough to send sparks through her blood. The day’s energy finally released. His fingers carded through her hair, her arms wrapped around his waist. The kiss deepened, and she felt it to her toes. People walked around them and leaves twirled in the wind, and they kept kissing. It was a day for gluttony.

to me, the best kisses are the ones that blend seamlessly into the stories they come from, a piece of a larger, more beautiful puzzle. the kisses in don't you know you've got the best of me? by raquians—yes, another all time fave that i will rec until the sun expands and kills us all—are like that (fremione, teen):

After they pass the initial hesitation of wondering whether the other is going to pull away in regret or not, it's all… completely fitting. It's not cautious or learned, and it sure as hell isn't timid. It's something that sparks with life and is intrinsic. Like they were always, always meant to come to this point, and now that they've made it, it's welcoming them home.

aaaand it is not a list of abbey's favorite things without some stuck with you in there. here's a snippet from one of the many amazing kisses in this fic (tucker x rose, explicit):

—and then she suddenly realizes that yes, his hands are on her hips and that is his mouth pressed against hers, and her heart feels like it’s about to burst and oh, she should probably kiss back.

and like, there are truly so many more—some from fics and ships too embarrassing to admit i've read—but these are just a few!!

[feyti-odinsdottir]

Dear best friend,

I know you'll never read this. You don't have tumblr. You don't even have pinterest. And besides, even if you did, you don't want anything to do with me. And that's why I'm writing this here. To a bunch of strangers. Where you'll probably never see it. I hope someday maybe you will read this. Maybe I can show it to you. I know it's a wild fantasy. But what do I have if not hope. If I can't hope that maybe we'll smile at each other one more time, then how could I possibly bear your loss. I just have a list. A list of things unsaid. That maybe I should have said.

I love you. When I first saw you, I thought I would never see you again. And yet, by the second time I'd seen you, we were already friends. It's been 933 days. 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day. That's how long its been since the first time I met you. Two and a half years. That seems like too small of a time to contain such a big friendship. That's only three Christmases. Only two summers. That's only three of your birthdays, and two of mine. Oh. How tragic that neither of us will witness each other's 18th birthdays. Our friendship seems far too big to fit into such a small amount of time. Three Christmases, two summers, two Easters, fourteen birthdays, three New Years Eves, and one too many sleepless giggling nights. But how I loved those nights. I loved everything about our friendship. The wagon rides through downtown, before I could legally drive us all. The sleepovers when we caused far too much ruckus. Those nights at youth group when I tried to cling on to all my friends; to keep them all together. Somehow I must not have succeeded. I managed to lose you somehow. Remember that night I introduced you to my mom? I believe it was the 18th of December 2019. Or maybe the 24th. I don't remember now. But I remember those stupid heels I wore. Remember when my debit card got declined in the dairy queen drive thru? That was hilarious. And also embarrassing. Thank you for paying by the way. Remember the hours. And hours. And hours. On facetime. On google hangouts. Texting. And talking. All through the day. And part of the night. Before we had lives. When we were still too young to know what life had to throw at us. Remember the group chat. Almost a year of my life must be invested in that group chat. And if I could, I would invest another year.

I'm not quite sure how our conversations changed so much. No matter how many times you do it to me, it still catches me off guard. One day its memes and jokes and funny stories. The next day you're leaving, with no telling if you'll return. The first time you left, I thought I would die. I didn't know what had changed, but I took the blame. And then you came back. I've never been mad at you for anything. But if I were to be mad, it would be because you came back. Because of the joy I felt. My heart felt like it was on cloud nine. You were back. You didn't hate me after all. We were going back to being friends, you had rejoined the group. Remember that hug you gave me? I can't remember you ever hugging me, let alone so happily. The only thing I remember thinking in that moment, was that everything was going to be alright. You loved me. You were willing to fix things, and so was I. Remember how you introduced me as your best friend? I almost cried. Actually I did cry later. I didn't know I was your best friend, but I've never felt so honored. And I was happy. I was sure that now, just like we always said, that no matter what happened, we would all face it together. Like friends should. We always said we would stick together. Our measly little group, a couple of motley teenage girls, ready to face the world. None of us knew what life had coming, but we were determined to face it together.

But now I see, that maybe I was the only one who really wanted to believe that delusion. I guess the rest of you said it, and maybe even believed it at the time, but I guess I was the only one with high enough hopes to want to make it happen. Maybe I was right. I have no right to blame you for leaving again. Maybe it really was just all in my head. Making too-high hopes over some silly high school friendships. But even if that's true. Even if you never want to see me again. Just know that those 933 days were some of the best days of my life. Because I spent them with you. All of you. No matter what I was doing, you were all right behind me, and I don't have a way to thank any of you for that. Maybe I am doomed to this pain for now. This awful misery of feeling like my life is falling apart. But at least I have a thousand years worth of smiles and laughs and tears and text conversations, crammed into 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day of memories. You might stop talking to me, stop texting me, stop seeing me, or block my number, but you won't ever erase yourself from my life. Every time I walk into my room I see you; in the three Christmas gifts and two birthday gifts you've given me, in the plant you sent home with me in an ice cream bucket, and in your pictures on the wall. I'll still wave at your house when I drive by, only now with tears in my eyes. I still hear your smothered laugh sometimes, when I make a stupid inappropriate joke. Your name still pops into my head when I'm buying Christmas gifts, and your birthday is still on my calendar. Speaking of birthdays. I was planning my 18th birthday party when I got your message, when you said you weren't going to be my friend. I'm not sure I'm going to have a party now. It wasn't going to be big. It was going to be chill. Just the six of us going out to eat, and maybe hanging out at the park. I didn't want to be loud and goofy. I just wanted to go into my adulthood with the people who had made my miserable teenage years so enjoyable. But I don't think I can have a party with just the five of us. Because there is no five of us. There's only six of us in our friend group, and there's no friend group without you, because you're in the friend group. It hurts to think about it. I'm sure we'll all still be friends even though you're gone. But we can't have the friend group, and I don't think we can even go back to what we had before you. Because in some way, each of us was changed by having you in our life, and our friend group was formed with you in it. It can't exist without any one of us. But I guess theres nothing I can say to make you stay. I'm not even sure I want to. If you are happier without me, then I guess I have to let you go, no matter how much it hurts me. But I'm not really letting you go. Not really. You're still in my heart, in my mind, in my life. I'll still see snapshots and footprints of you at least every other day, in little nooks and crannies of my life. So if you ever decide to come back, just know that I'll be here. My arms will be open. I might not be your friend, but you'll still be mine. And no matter what you say, I'll still have that little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. The one that says maybe someday you'll read this letter. Maybe someday we'll share one more smile, one more dumb nickname, one more stupid joke. Maybe. I guess thats who I am. I guess I'm just that friend that will never really stop hoping.

Remember that time that we sat on the lawn in front of walmart? We watched the sunset and sang at the top of our lungs. You ended up ruining that night by losing your wallet, but I would have rather illegally driven us around town looking for it, than been anywhere else. I think that night was the last really good time we all had together. Thats how I want to remember us. Beyond all this pain of losing you, and the bitter reality that I will probably never get you back. I want to remember our happy carefreeness. Singing to the sunset, arm in arm, facing our miserable lives with smiles on our faces. When you think of us, remember that night. I promise I'll do the same for you. And you know I've never broken a promise. I love you. I miss you. Have a good life. See you soon. Maybe.

Love, your former best friend