#i've got ideas but lord knows they can be improved

[grease-weasel]

Hey gang sorry I've been gone I'm doing Mermay !! I want to add my fallout guys (basically I throw all my ocs in the water and see what they do. currently there are gang wars and lots of stealing /hj) but I am still figuring out where they fit. I'll post updates every couple of days :]

the little betta (white hair with light blue tail) belongs to @whistlstop and is normally an angel named Atlas

[weebsinstash]

so the screenshots are kinda janky but I was rewatching the whole scene with Ozzie and Fizz's morning routine and I remembered there were those shots of like, the imp staff who work for Asmodeus and

is she helping do the laundry in platform thigh high boots, an apron, and a thong 😅 is that her UNIF0RM? Does she pick that out herself??? Is Lust just SO HORNY that it's totally normal that Ozzie's housekeeper is half-naked? Is he banging the housekeeper? Are Fizz and Ozzie exclusive or is it an open relationship? their other imp staff member was literally fully dressed so is this an optionally slutty, pro slut dress code idk

Like I'm sorry I'm just sitting here thinking of Reader who, Sinner or otherwise, is down in the Greed Ring as another performer for Mammon and Fizz is eventually like, "look, working this job is my dream, but it isn't yours. you shouldn't be attaching yourself to Mammon if all you need is a paycheck. I've got a... close friend who always needs extra hands; let me introduce you!!" and you have no idea that he's literally organizing a meeting with The Actually Fucking Cardinal Sin Of Lust until you're standing right in front of Asmodeus himself and he's just so goddamn CHARMING like he'd have me SWEATING AND GIGGLING I'd be straight up embarrassing myself like "o-oh that's not what I expected your voice to sound like hahaha 🥴"

Ozzie assures you the ultra sexy type uniforms are totally optional, and you could be bringing him papers in an oversized t-shirt and crocs and he'd still think you're as cute as can be. But. LORD if you ever decide, "I wanna feel sexy and confident and everyone else is having fun" and wear something sexy. It has him WEAK. Him? Them? Prolly both of them tbh. Like. Ugh I KNOW these two can go from having the freakiest loudest horniest sex imaginable to like giggling and tickling each other in bed and I can just SEE them being SO SOFT for a Reader darling. All your jokes make them laugh or affectionately roll their eyes. They DEVOUR your cooking (I think personal chef/PA Reader would be cute, the boys wake up and you have breakfast ready for them and everything), they're always sending you memes and things that made them think of you, they have a special group chat (of just them) SPECIFICALLY for sharing photos of you or things about you or just, talking about you period. Gosh. Would there be cameras suddenly installed where there wasn't previously just so they can see all the cute things you get up to when they're not around. All the little improv dances and songs... all the times you bend over...

Like the hilarity of Valentino getting absolutely fucking CUCKED when "his" Reader suddenly disappears, and it's because you can travel through the Rings and you work for Ozzie now and Valentino had no idea until he saw a trending photo of you and Ozzie where you guys did a HOT HOT photo shoot together to advertise something, where you're either almost completely naked OR actually ARE completely naked, and it's because Ozzie made you feel safe and protected and unlike Valentino, Asmodeus knows what an intimacy coordinator is-

You can actually go to clubs in those booty shorts with your ass hanging out and wearing whatever else makes you feel sexy and confident now because the second some creep is coming up to you and not taking 'no' for an answer, the creep suddenly has a massive looming shadow over them as an ancient demon turns to you and respectfully asks. "Is this guy bothering you queen?" and then steps on him. In a BAD way :)

GOD ALSO I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIA INTERACTION UNTIL I SAW THIS GIF AND. Asmodeus' VA previously described his type as "everyone" and he has a BBW on that fountain like 😩❤️ now I'm thinking of chubby reader who's gotten bullied and bodyshamed by Valentino (who is negging you and is actually down SO BAD) and then you run off to Ozzie who's like. "Baby you are GORGEOUS and if anyone ever says or does anything like that to you again, just let me know and I'll break their legs ok ^w^"

((Also. Non yandere related thing im seeing. He's one of the Cardinal Sins and imps are considered the lowest Hellborns and Ozzie not only has an imp lover but TONS of imp staff, like he is a pro body positivity anti racism fucking 👏 K I N G 👏 BANISHED FROM HEAVEN'S DISCORD SERVER FOR BEING TOO HORNY ON MAIN. i bet he would DESPISE that Heaven is discriminating and choosing who's hot, just, ugh i want him carnally (edit: i noticed they're actually all succubi/incubi and not imps but the point still stands lol))

[aikerith]

Okay here goes nothing...

RANTARO AMAMI COSPLAY‼️

(Featuring my phone dropping mid photo..)

Absolutely terrified to post these (Lord I hope nobody I know irl finds this...)

First time posting any cosplay I've done, as you can probably tell I'm still very new to the scene 😭 No idea how to style a wig, how to do makeup, but we're here!!

It's a learning process, but I'm excited to hopefully grow and improve. This is kinda a closet cosplay?? Literally got the wig off eBay, it used to be a vocaloid wig I think, but I tried to style it for Rantaro. The rest is just clothing and accessories I had.

Any advice or tips are greatly appreciated! Ik not many people will see this but that's fine 🙏

[heycupcake]

Been sporadically rewatching 13 lately, and I need to ramble because my god.

(disclaimer: I'm still not caught up with nuwho, missing 12, 11 and half of 10's run. eu-wise, I've only delved deeply into 5's era)

Starting off with the Fugitive's episode, because it almost made me cry. I had no idea of what was going on the first time I watched it; 13 was my first Doctor, so all the lore used to be lost on me.

Now tho? Absolute cinema. Goosebumps all over. 13's world crumbling all around her, I felt it to the bone. Her total rejection of Ruth's Doctor when she rigged that blaster weapon? It was a plan that many incarnations would have come up with, but in that case, she latched onto it like her whole identity was at stake. Maybe she always despised that cruel aspect of herself throughout regenerations, a trait that kept persisting despite not feeling properly hers. Now she knows it comes from a completely unknown part of herself, and it scares her to no end.

"A man is the sum of his memories, a Time Lord even more so." I love how this has become a reoccurring theme for the Doctor. They all are extremely protective of their identities when it comes to memory tampering. They latch onto what they've got and categorically refuse any change.

10 (Human Nature), Ruth and 13 all had to face the same scenario on that regard. When confronted with the choice of becoming someone else, to recover memories from their past that would make them whole but inevitably change them forever, they all tried to keep away from them and stay as they were. 10 and Ruth ultimately didn't have a choice and had to eventually comply, but 13? Nobody was there to force her, and she threw the damn watch in the depths of the TARDIS.

About the TARDIS, what an absolute treasure. 1 believing he stole her when in reality she was his all along. No wonder he chose that old type 40 out of all the other ships he could have taken (either out of reflex or because of some telepathic tampering). An old, abandoned ship that had been waiting for her owner for probably centuries.

The Timeless Child (not the episode). Such an origin story could have made the Doctor a deity; instead it made her a lab rat, kept her "humble". The power balance is still fully on the Time Lords' side, and I love that. She's no chosen one, she's not The Other, she's not a mastermind of any kind. Any unique ability that she had was copied and possibly improved on, making her either standard or obsolete among her peers (like, for all we know, the ability to control one's appearance during regeneration could an update that Tecteun worked on).

So, she's just another alien (sort of like Adric: comes from another universe, has good regenerative abilities, can mutate). I personally wasn't very thrilled with the implications made during 7's run, so i found this a nice way of recontextualizing them, making them more true to the earlier Doctors' nature, but without retconning them. Everything that 7 kept hinting at (in the tv series at least) still works, without losing any importance. And, the Doctor gets to stay the underdog they've always been.

Also, I mean, this alien child, just wandering off and getting kidnapped as a result is the most on-brand thing ever for the Doctor. (I could go on a separate ramble on how many companions found themselves in the same situation, often being kidnapped directly by the Doctor, but I digress. It's hilarious tho. Maybe some unconscious part of the Doctor uses it as a way to deal with their own kidnapping. Who knows)

[ewansnose]

INVISIBLE STRINGS (2)

Aemond Targaryen x Twin Sister (OC)

Summary: Aemond Targaryen was known as a cold, cruel and frightening prince, but he wasn't like that. Aemond was affectionate, intelligent, obedient and loved his family, but mostly her. Alysanne Targaryen is Aemond's twin sister, but with a different appearance. She had hair like her mother Alicent's, but her eyes were the violet of Old Valyria, the blood of the dragon running through her veins. Aemond Targaryen was cold, cruel and frightening, but not with her. What Alysanne wanted, he did. Because it was always her and always will be

Rating: Explicit/+18 MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Warning: Violence and explicit NSFW, third-person POV, bad language, angst, fluff, smut (unprotected sex, oral (giving and receiving), (use of fingers)

English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. This is the first story I've posted on tumblr, so please take it easy on me.

Alysanne walked through the halls of the castle towards the dining hall. Her lilac dress swaying as she moved. The princess distributed smiles along the way, always greeting the servants and guards. She opened the hall doors and walked over to the table, kissing her mother and father on the foreheads. She kissed Helaena's cheek and Aegon's then sat down next to Aemond.

"You forgot to greet me." Aemond said in a playful tone, kissing his sister's cheek.

"You don't deserve my kisses." She smiled, kissing his cheek.

The servants placed the food on the table and they helped themselves, eating in silence. Alysanne sipped the wine in her goblet as she kept her head down, avoiding contact with the King, as she knew that if she looked at him, he would ask about the letter. Well, that didn't help.

"Honey, did you read the Tully letter?"

The princess set down her goblet and glared at Viserys, clearing her throat before answering.

“Yes, I read. And my answer is still no.”

Alicent sighed and shook her head slightly, knowing they were going to start a little argument midway through dinner.

“Alysanne, you need to get married!”

“With an old man from any house? Are you really that desperate?”

“Speak straight to me, Alysanne, I'm still King.” he snapped making his daughter roll her eyes “Lord Tully is a good and competent man, he would give you beautiful children and-”

“He's twice my age and I doubt that withered cock of his is any good.” she slammed her fork on the table, staring at him angrily “I won't submit to that role. It's not because mom married you early that I have to follow the same path as her.”

“Alysanne.” Alicent scolded her.

“Why can Helaena marry Aegon and my suitors are all old? Well, except for Cregan who is beyond handsome but he's already got himself a bride.”

“Because you refused to marry him.”

“You always put pressure on me, I got desperate.” her voice increased “If you didn't keep pestering me to give an immediate answer maybe I would be married to him now. I'm not marrying any lord, least of all an old man. If one day someone competent and worthy of my hand comes along, I will choose him.”

Aemond had his eye glued to the empty plate in front of him, his throat going dry at his twin's words. She wasn't wrong, it wasn't fair that she was forced to do something she didn't want to do, especially something disgusting like marrying an old man who possibly had lovers.

“It's not fair to me, I didn't ask to be a woman-”

“But you are one.” Viserys shouted, startling everyone at the table “You are good for marrying and making heirs, it will always be like that. Don't think I don't know that Aemond trains you behind the scenes, disobeying my orders.” Aemond improved his posture in the chair and felt his muscles stiffen. “You'll never be a swordswoman, soldier or anything like that, get that useless idea out of your head. I will find you a groom, and you will marry him with no choice. I've given you a lot of chances and you've thrown them away, so I'll take care of that for you, as I did for Rhaenyra.”

Alysanne felt tears welling up in her eyes and stared at her father, the first tear running down her cheek.

“And now she's married your brother and given you bastard grandchildren, you did a great job, Dad.”

The princess rose and left the hall, the click of her heels echoing through the corridors as she hurried to her chambers. She locked herself in her room and let the tears flow, taking a glass and filling it with the wine she always asked to be left in her room, taking a long drink before sitting in her armchair and removing her heels. It wasn't fair, not to her. She wanted the chance to find someone really good, someone she could love and be loved back, not a political marriage where she would just be used. She stood there in silence, the moonlight illuminating her dark room as she sipped her wine.

The door to her chamber was opened and the princess didn't even bother to turn around to see who she was. Her dear sister approached her bed, sitting on it carefully, running her hands over the pale blue fabric of her dress. They were quiet for a moment, the tears drying on Alysanne's face, her lips red from the wine.

“I'm sorry you heard that from our father, you don't deserve a marriage where you will suffer, just like me.” Alysanne looked at her sister, her eyes sad and her face tired. “I love Aegon as a brother and I love our children, but he is a terrible husband. He comes to me when he's drunk or when mom and dad talk about more and more heirs. Aegon must have countless bastards for the flea drop, and by the seven…he must have so many lovers.”

Alysanne listened attentively to the words of her older sister, the person she admired most in this world besides her mother. She knew that her brothers' marriage was terrible, they didn't try to hide it, but she knew that they both loved each other like family, like brothers, and that's why they kept their marriage.

“The point is, you don't have to marry a middle-aged man just because our mother did that once. Don't listen to Otto, don't listen to Viserys, don't listen to anyone. Listen to your heart because someday you will find someone who deserves your love and who will take care of you the way you deserve.” Helaena got up and held her younger sister's hands, stroking her fingers with care and affection. “I love you so much, little sister, I will always want the best for you.”

The dark haired princess cried once more, hugging her sister's body tightly as she sobbed into her shoulder. Alicent's children were close, even if it didn't seem like it, they cared for each other, always wanting the best.

“I wish I could just have my own dragon and fly away from here, Hel.” Her voice was muffled against the blonde's shoulder.

“You will tame Cannibal, I can tell you that.” Helaena slowly pulled away and caressed her sister's face. “He is in Mount dragon, you must go to him. Claim what is yours, dear sister.”

"How do you know he'll be in Mount Dragon?"

The eldest shrugged.

“I just know.” Helaena kissed Alysanne's forehead and walked away, leaving her chambers and leaving a confused and sad Alysanne behind.

That night, Alysanne drank more than she should have of her wine, which caused her stomach to turn and her head to throb as if her eyes were going to pop out. The next morning she took a hot bath prepared by her maids and drank tea given by the maester at her request. The princess wore a dark purple dress this morning and her hair was tied in a long braid on the side, leaving the rest of her strands loose. She skipped breakfast and went after the only person who could help her with what she intended to do today. Aegon.

She found her brother drunk in one of Maegor's secret passages, dressed in filthy clothes and with a bottle of cheap wine in his hand. With a little effort she took him to her rooms, throwing his body in the bathtub and making him open his eyes in fright.

“What the fuck, Alysanne?” he screamed, rubbing her face with her hand.

"I'm going to Mount Dragon and I need you to cover me." she had her hands behind her back as she stared at her brother with amusement.

“Why didn't you ask Aemond? He would certainly do it better than me.” Alicent's heir put his hand on his head and moaned in pain. “And what are you going to do in Mount Dragon?

“Aemond is too straight for what I intend to do, he wouldn't let me go. I'm going to claim Cannibal.”

Aegon widened his eyes and looked at his sister as she shook her head in denial, getting out of the bathtub a little dizzy.

“Are you crazy? You can't go alone. Cannibal is a dangerous dragon, everyone who tried to ride him was killed. Get another dragon, we have a lot on Dragonstone, Rhaenyra can give you an egg and-”

“I want Cannibal, Aegon. I've dreamed of him every night since I was a little girl, flying all over Westeros. It's like we were destined.”

Aegon took off his clothes while continuing to disapprove of his sister's idea.

“This is crazy, Alysanne. I'm not even that stupid.”

The princess snorted and placed her hands on her hips, glaring at her brother with a frown on her face.

“I'm going to tell Mom that you took me to flea hunting on my fifth name day, and because of that I'm no longer pure as she so desperately wants.”

Aegon gasped in shock, jabbing a finger at Aly.

“You wouldn't dare.”

“You want to see?” She raised her eyebrows as she stared at him. “So, will you help me?”

Aegon snorted and threw the dirty, wet garment to the floor, wetting his lips and running his fingers through her hair.

“If I get screwed, you get screwed too. I will cover you but by the faith of the seven, don't die.”

Alysanne smiled and hugged her brother, kissing his cheek.

“Thanks, Aeg, I promise I'll be back in one piece. You can tell Aemond but don't tell my location, he'll come after me.”

He agreed and the princess left her room through the passage to hers, preparing her things for a trip that would last a few days. She went out through the passages and paid for the silence of one of the concierges who offered a carriage to take the princess to her destination, and as the horse rode away, Alysanne felt her heart go out of her mouth. She was anxious, scared and happy, looking forward to the moment when she could finally have the dragon she had always wanted.

[ninjagirlstar5]

Concept that could probably improve Chapter 3:

So, we all know how much Kanade loves to lord her superior intellect and competence over Hibiki.

Well, imagine this for me: during the twins' "synchronized" stabbing of Setsuka, imagine Hibiki's stab lagging a couple of seconds or so behind Kanade's stab, thereby making Kanade the sole culprit behind Satsuka's murder.

Kanade could only despair, upon Monocrow explaining the truth, and learning that the incompetence of her older sister is allowing her to survive, while she, the better twin, is going to die alone, for the same reason.

YEAH, I've seen some anons talk about this idea with the Mod of ASOOT (A Student out of Time) in the past. And honestly, I feel like a lot of Chapter 3 could've been vastly improved if Hibiki was allowed to survive or even just given the spotlight for her role in killing Setsuka, even if it wasn't of her own free will thanks to Kanade cause come on, that would fuck her up pretty badly to find out that your own sister, whom you trusted the most, was actually abusing you and killing everyone you ever cared about to the point that she uses you like a literal puppet. But no, it has to be all about Kanade and Hibiki gets almost zero exploration in her character and how she feels about this even before her own death. Hell, Kanade even dies getting EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED, watching her sister die in Despair right before her eyes even when they got caught and punished as the blackened. Like, fuck that, that gives Kanade zero sense of Despair when the point of the killing games in Danganronpa is that NO ONE wins if you actively partake in it or don't rebel against it, whether you die as a victim or a killer. As a victim, you die and lose any chance of escaping with the people you've gotten to know, and as a killer, not only would you have to live with the rest of your life that you killed someone and sacrificed everyone else in the process to survive, with the truth of the Tragedy, many motives would be moot cause it may not even apply in an apocalyptic world so surviving as the blackened can literally just be For Nothing. And seeing a POS like Kanade get everything she wants no matter what just fucking sucks to see as a player. And not in a good, angsty way but in a, "Well that pissed me off and ruined everything this character was and could've been, I feel robbed!" Bonus points if it wastes another character process!

Which is why this simple change would have at least salvage SOME of the original trial, even though I personally think it'd be best to scrap the whole chapter entirely and start over since this chapter has little to no connection to the overarching plot, which became a detriment to how the rest of the story is told. Not only would it be more cathartic to see Kanade get her comeuppance without losing Hibiki, who was starting to have some great character development that all went down the drain thanks to this trial, but the idea that Hibiki not being perfect and yet surviving is a great "fuck you" to Kanade's egotistical "I'm better and talented than ALL of you" bullshit that "should've" let her win. Her so-called incompetence saves her from getting executed while Kanade, who was under the belief that she would've won either way up to that point, slowly realizes that she's going to die without getting any sort of satisfaction in having her sister be all hers, in life and in death. Not to mention it adds a bit of evil to Monocrow for purposely lying to Kanade's face all for the sake of giving her Despair in her final moments, tricking her into being the only blackened of this trial and that the so called double-blackened option was just to keep the façade up until the final moment. It would piss her off SO much and she'd curse everyone out as she's finally dragged off to her execution and killed, losing her life to Despair and her own hubris in thinking that this plan would ever work.

Chapter 3's trial is stupid but at least if this fake out twist happened, I could've had some catharsis in Kanade's death AND Hibiki would live for another chapter, with everyone hopefully helping her heal and support her (although since it's Chapter 4 and what happens next, it'd be a miracle if the group got their shit together to keep an eye on Hibiki).

[enkisstories]

Gavin: "The holonet is raising a good point, General. What exactly can the First Order do for Jakku?"

Pryde: "Your planet got selected as the arena for the first ever AT-AT race and two local teams are participating. That's a great honor!"

Gavin: "But most of the audience watches from their homes through the holonet. Nobody came to taste our local cuisine (good for them) or buy souveniers.

So I ask you again: What has the First Order to offer to, say, a seasoned junk scavenger, numbering among the very best, if he wants to propose to the handsome majordomo from next door? How will their lifes improve under your rule?"

Daniel: "Did you just propose while the whole galaxy was listening?"

Gavin: "Listening AND watching! Presenting you to any less than a whole galaxy would be selling you short, Danny."

Hux: "Ahem. Let ME paint you a picture."

Pryde: And here I was, thinking it couldn't get any worse... He'll threaten them and call them names. But the fleet isn't ready yet!

Hux: "I have a grand project concerning Jakku in the making: a waterpark right next to Niima. The absolute triumph of human ingenuity and technology over base nature!

Construction alone will create jobs for thousands, because this isn't something you leave to forced laborers. Later maintenance and service will open up more work opportunities."

Hux: "The wealthy from all over the galaxy will come to see this monument of the new civilized age we're bringing about. They won't want to leave without buying a souvenier of the the Battle of Jakku..."

Daniel: "Here that? You could buy a Loth-cat! Scarif fishes for Tina and Jinny... and I wouldn't exactly say no to a couple of Betta or Dwarf Gourami either."

Kylo: "NOT AGAIN! I've had it up to HERE with your bloody swimming pool!"

Pryde: "I agree. It's a childish idea that you should let go of. The First Order doesn't have... won't allocate, I mean, the resources required for your pet project."

Caroline: Really not? Well, I have that kind of money. And that waterpark sounds like an investment that would pay off in spades.

Hux: "Not yet, of course. But when there's peace... When we've stomped the Resistance for good..."

Kylo: "NOT EVER!"

Hux: "M... mi... cro still on?"

Rose: "Yes!"

Hux: "S... Thissis... what you get... for supporting "Lord" Ren. First Order! You know you want ME as Snoke's successor, not him! I'll take us forward, while he only ever runs in circles, chasing his own tail!"

Kylo: "In the New Republic they called your little speech just now an "election campaign", dear General. We don't bother with that here. In the First Order we call that PLEADING."

Hux: "Legitimate power - legitimate rule! I was trained by Grand Admiral Sloane from childhood! YOU we found in the gutter!!!"

Kylo: "Speaking of legitimacy as if that concept somehow applied to you, haha!"

Hux: "We can't all be senators' offspring, right, B...?"

Kylo had taken a swing at the "senator" already. No way would he allow his identity as a weak child tempted by the light side get spoken out loud while the whole galaxy was listening! General Hux would be one head shorter in three... two...

[i984]

Signing off...

Hello! I want to start this post by telling you guys something really interesting...

Tl;dr: I'm taking a break for a month due to severe stress and performance anxiety, plus college and work is kicking me in the arse, but do send requests and prompts in because I need to write them FLUFF to get rid of the stress. Love ya!

So a month ago I stumbled upon a really amazing writer here on tumblr dearest, and I immediately fell in love with their work. It was so well written, and I couldn't comprehend the fact that it was the first ever story they've ever written and they wrote it under such circumstances that if I were to be put in their position, I can guarantee I wouldn't even be able to string a coherent sentence.

Anyway, that really got me thinking.

It's been two months since I first started writing, and revisiting old works of mine reveals something along the lines of "I'm not improving," and "I'm not creative."

It's been a problem I seem to notice, is that I struggle a lot with characterization (ESPECIALLY this) and pacing, among other things that makes me view my works mostly as blegh.

I know comparing is probably not the best way to develop, and I wouldn't say I'm envious of people's talents (because it's obvious some people are just so great at stuff lmao) but it's more like I'm disappointed in myself I guess(?)

In the collective 20 works that I've published over the two months, I still can't fully grasp what works and what doesn't with the Fandom, and I can't quite identify nor fix the problems in my writings. Combined with the burn out, this makes writing a very painful process for me even though I really want to enjoy it.

I rely very heavily on external validations and to see that in the midst of the dead Fandom (when compared to when it's at its peak), people can still garner almost 1k notes in the span of a week (and I can see why it's very well loved), posting here just makes me so stressed when I shouldn't even be.

It got so bad to the point I have trouble breathing every time I think about writing, and although now it doesn't happen as often, the performance anxiety is pretty much there.

Work, as well as college too has been a pretty great contributor for my stress and to put writing on top of that is just excruciating for me.

And that's why I'm taking a break!

It'll probably a month break like how I've stated in previous post, because it's become apparent I need rest LMAO

Thank you so much for the support you guys have shown and sent my way, I want to say that I really appreciate it! Honestly I wouldn't get this far without you guys, I love you so much!

I've set some reblogs for other creator's works while I'm gone, because I've been meaning to read but I just haven't found the opportunity for it. People here make such great works <3

If you guys have any requests, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO SEND THEM IN. I know this might feel contradictory but as I pointed out, I'm not really imaginative or creative, and I really want to write things, but most of the time I cant come up with anything or what I think is good isn't what you guys want (I know I still have a bunch of requests sitting around, but like I said I write when inspiration struck me).

So yes, send requests in so that I can do some writing during the break, and hopefully come back with a bunch of requests already done and ready to post!

Also, if you guys make it this far, I've got a surprise for you which is I'm finally trying to work on the series I've been planning to do since January HAHA! We'll have to see where it takes me but right now I have so much ideas running around in my brain and not enough waking hour in the day to develop and write it.

How do you guys feel about lord crime v.s. master detective trope BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT IT.

I'll see you guys when I do :) Love you! ❤

Special thanks to:

@missmonsters2 and @robiin-buckley for being the people who literally BURNS my heart with the desire and give me the courage to write, I wouldn’t be here without you 🥺💘

@ocyrus for being my first ever anon, I cannot stress how much I owe you <3

@tulipsbymybed for hyping me up when I first started and when I thought my work is a shitshow.

@vorsdanysstuff for being the first person to reblog my stuff and says some very very nice things about it and gave me more confidence to write, and also. For finding me and being the love of my life. I treasure you with my whole being.

@wol-fica for feeding me with cat pictures and being my lovely wife who misses me when I'm gone and makes picrews of us together, I love you so much 💓

@maryannecrimsworth for noticing my username and for loving my blogs questionable aesthetic, and for talking to me about dystopia and being my favorite lil bro!

@cursedchar for being the awkward mutual at first but now we spew chaos every where and every time we talk and interact. Honestly, you bring the wild side in me out to the world. Still hate your angsty stuff tho.

@tundra1029 FOR BEING THE ICON THAT GIVES GOOD ASS AMAZING PROMPTS and being a super lovely person and a great writer, I love you buddy <3

@alexkolax for well. You know me the most out of everyone in this site. My respect and trust for you is through the roof and cannot be expressed with mere words. Thank you for being here, Lex.

@ricosnumber1fan for being there in most of my works. I still think about you and scroll through your comments and reblogs. You're the best (second to sourdough tho).

@theflamboyantshadow for always leaving amazing comments under my posts, you are the sweetest person ever and I really wish you a great fucking life. Love you.

@iamnicodemus for writing that dragon Wednesday fic... and LEAVING THE MOST FLATTERING REBLOGS. ILYSM AND. you always make me smile when I think of you LMAO

@literally everybody else who've single handedly kept me alive and well on this site, I appreciate all your little asks, reblogs, comments, likes, and just UGH my heart aches for every single one of you.

Pray I return soon.

[genevieveskingdom]

Why I switched from Choices to Romance Club 📖

I started playing Choices in 2019 and I was always so delighted when they veröffentlicht published a new story. I really loved playing that game, but last year I discovered a girl on YouTube who was posting some let's plays from Theodora and I immediately wanted to try this game.

~ The graphic is waaay better and more realistic.

No reused faces nor characters. I am always amazed about every new book and its characters. Even the so-called "unimportant" side characters have their own design and are not reused which cannot be said about Choices unfortunately. 😔

~ Better character development. Your choices really matter and have different outcome for the MC.

The way you interact with each of the characters has its consequences. The LI's also interact like real people and if you date someone and then decide to switch to an other LI, their romance path is closed. You really have to choose wisely for whom you decide to be with.

~ Quality over quantity

I don't really remember how many books are currently published (ended and ongoing) in RC, but it's definitely not as much as in the Choices app. I HATE the VIP books and that fact that you have to wait thousand years for it to get widely released! 😵 And when you open the first chapter you see that it's just another single love interest book with some three macho guys you are not attracted to (I respect everyone who's into the standard "sexy" type of men, of course, it's just not me 😇) and three girls from whom you choose the kleinste smallest evil.

~ More accessible diamonds and teas

I LOVE Diamond Rush, Tea Parties and so on 😍 It's sooo player-friendly and so worth it! Even the access to diamonds and teas is more suited for wide audience and honestly - when RC is so generous and want to give you so much for free, then you want to buy some diamond/tea pack from them even more, because you know they value their players. 🙏

~ No single love interest books!

Oh my gosh, I have been so annoyed that most of the books Choices release lately is meant for single romance. The problem is not with faithfulness, but with the fact that everyone has their own definition of attraction and beauty. And most of the main LIs in single love interest books are written stereotypically (Bad Boy, guy nextdoor, rebellious girl...) I miss the plasticity of their personalities, of their appearances. Not everyone who matches today's beauty standards is actually beautiful. There should be diversity in LIs. Some of them should be curvier, more slender, with glasses, with bigger nose, with disability, with albinism... Just go on the street and look at the classic human beauty seen every day in public transport! Stop giving us some plain definition of beauty which lacks its own charm.

The only thing I would improve in RC would be the option to choose if we want to play as a male, female, non-binary...etc. As far as I know, only Gladiator's Chronicles have a male MC.

Now I have some personal highlights about Choices I'd like to get rid of because it's been in me for so long 🙉

First thing's first, The Princess Swap was such a good book. I loved the idea. Still, I've got a certain love-hate relationship with this book. First of all, biology and genetics does not make sense in this standalone. Secondly, lord Cecil was not as bad as everyone thinks. He and the king were my most favourite characters, actually. 🤭 Third, I was so annoyed by the prince/ss of Ismar. We were forced to marry them, we could not even say no.🤦

I loved BOLAS N° 1. I replayed the story twice. I was in love with Tyril Starfury. Even though I loved Kaya Duskraven more. She was sooo gorgeous! When they introduced the sequel to us I was naively hoping that we might get Kaya back. That we would find some magical artefact, for example, and bring her back to life, so that she can join the party and be our new love interest. I would definitely switch to her. Instead, we got Valax... I am a little bit disappointed by the sequel, to be honest. They were promising us so many mesmerizing things and I was just expecting a little more from the three years waiting episode. Not only did I not understand why Cherta and Willow joined our party and then they left afterwards... I was like: okay, new love interests apparently. And then whoosh, they vanished. And we ended up trapped with the Valax-drama until the last chapters... I respect everyone who likes the sequel, it is just not me. Unfortunately. I will stick to the good old first book, which I love. 🩷

[polyhexian]

Been fighting off a migraine for like 18 hours... Christ

My mom has chronic migraines and did for my entire childhood. Genuinely it was one of the biggest factors in ruining my relationship with my mother; she was the breadwinner of the family and so she worked longer hours. She got home from work and often would be too exhausted to interact with me at all. She'd come home two or three times a month, like call out of work, and just be locked in her room for hours, even days. Sometimes I genuinely feel like she was a stranger to me, especially when my dad left. At that point she would come home from work and go straight to her room. Sometimes I wouldn't see her for days. Sometimes even when I saw her she wouldn't speak to me. A lot of that was, in earnest, because she was in a lot of drug trials for migraine preventative medication that turned her into a zombie and left her... frankly, disassociated. I spent so much of my childhood terrified i would end up like her, spending days every month curled up in my room in so much pain and for so much time that my kids were strangers to me. That anything I did to try and improve it would turn me into a zombie. Like she was just always in so much pain and I was so terrified of getting migraines. And then I did, and just like the seizures, they've been escalating as I get older. I didn't have a tonic-clonic seizure until I was like- 27? I never had a migraine before 18. Now I'm averaging one a month. And when i do get them, Jesus Christ they're bad. They're "if I didn't know it would not help and would only make it worse, I would go to the hospital" level. Kidney stone in your brain. I'm really good with pain, but. Still. Doesn't mean I like it.

And the one I had back in May is genuinely the only time I've ever marked something as a 10/10. If I hadn't been home alone I'm sure someone would have dragged me to a hospital, but I was so blitzed out of my fucking mind that the idea of an ambulance sounded like hell and the only solution my soup brain could come up with after id maxed out on acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and finally on oxycodone, was half a bottle of vodka on top of it figuring "either I will feel better or I will die and both are preferable at the moment." Good lord

I probably need to talk to my neurologist about a preventative of some kind... Obviously I'm already pretty unhappy about that idea, especially when I already have to take so many goddamn drugs every day. At least I can be reasonably certain my.migraines are hereditary and not caused by epilepsy since my antiepileptic doesn't do shit to stop them

Ugh

[esther-dot]

"No. It was not courage. This one was dead of fear. You could see it in his eyes, Stark."- Bran(AGOT I).

"The poor man was half mad. Something had put a fear in him so deep that my words could not reach him."- Cat(AGOT I).

Jon and Ned noticed that Gared was terrified. Ned knew he was traumatized by seeing something. I do think Grrm wanted to be critical of NW system. Ned was doing right thing according to their world. Maybe there should be changes in rules like a trial before executing for desertion. Thoughts?

(in reference to this ask)

I’m back answering all my very old asks. Apologies @please-dot !

So, I answered that last ask without rereading the chapter, but your comments made me revisit it and Ned comes across better than I remembered. Actually, he sounds as responsible as he could be in the situation:

So I agree that not only was Ned doing the right thing according to their world (duty), he was trying to do it conscientiously. I've said before, I really don't think Martin intended us to be quite as critical of Ned as we often are. I posted a quote once about Martin’s aggravation that writers ignore the realities of medieval life. He said he wanted it to have teeth, so Ned, even though he is a lord, being constrained by his duty is a genuine reality in their world. He is flawed but upheld as someone with the right ideals, and knowing this is how it begins, Ned delivering the king's justice while Bran is instructed in his way of doing so which isn’t the Targ or Robert way, and that Bran will then end up king of Westeros, well, it makes you read this whole passage with new eyes.

All of this is certainly set-up for Bran to be the person who can administer justice, potentially an even more merciful and wiser version than Ned's, but I just don't know how much Martin will allow society to progress when he wants to keep things kinda realistic?

Will the Wall fall, forcing the Watch to take a new form? Rangers who have homes and families to return to perhaps? Or will everyone accept the continued threat of the Others and they're therefore able to fill the ranks of the Watch with volunteers rather than pressing people into service? We're shown not only how unjust that is, but how these boys don't understand what the vows mean for their lives, and that they can't resist the lure of love, family, so even if it's voluntary, the celibacy thing is a problem. So, reform? keep it but overhaul it? In post canon fics we write many variations of all that, but I've never felt like I understood how the problem could be handled in a Martin-esque way. Something better is in store, surely, but I’m not sure how dramatic a change he’s aiming for.

We do have the Watch as a “shield” and I’ve mentioned before that makes Ned and Benjen’s hope for the Gift to be a “shield” a potentially hopeful sign, but that was in thinking of the FF, and we have the Others to worry about so it all depends on how resolved you think that issue will be. If they’re entirely gone, maybe there’s no need for a Watch, if not…

And then we have the idea of an independent North to throw in there. If it is free, I don’t see how the Watch / the Wall doesn’t become their thing, and not only has Jon been thoroughly disillusioned and then killed, Sansa has realized some truth about it as well (and will no doubt learn more). If they are in positions of power, it’s hard to imagine things wouldn’t infinitely improve.

But then, I look at the less hopeful Jon endings, and think he was meant to be the person with the ideals who became disillusioned who might be able to reform it—a post canon purpose for him, the prospect of short adventures beyond the Wall (Martin had at one point mentioned the desire to write a post canon adventure for Arya, and somewhere I saw a comment that made it sound like he had potential ideas for Jon too), and with the whole sequel show now in the works, I wondered if GoT really did deliver his ending, the Watch still exists and Jon is the one wise enough/with the relationships to keep the peace between the Northerners and FF. 😖

I really can’t say. I find my ideal too simplistic and the alternatives entirely unsatisfactory. I need you to tell me what to think on this one 😅

[margridarnauds]

Where can I get a full The Green Knight (2021) tirade?

Ohohohohohohohohoho.

Alright, so there are things I can discuss, things that I can't, because they're things I've either used before or might be using in the future.

Suffice it to say, I think that it's self-satisfied. There's this notion that the film is somehow both true to the tone of the original text while also being willing to deconstruct it, raising Hard Truths about Arthuriana.

The problem is that...it isn't. It's your typical Mediocre White Male Auteur Tries To Take On the Classics film. It doesn't do anything that authors in the middle ages weren't willing to do themselves.

"Oh, what if King Arthur was a dick?" Boy, I have some news about a little text...called Culhwch ac Olwen....and another text...called The Alliterative Mort d'Arthur....and another text....called Sir Gawain...and the Green Knight...

"We should discuss how the system of chivalry can be hypocritical!" I have some news for you...about the French tradition...and about a little book...called Le Mort d'Arthur.

"Arthurian...imperialism?" ...Peredur.

And it's presented in such a smug, self-satisfied way that it's not "look! Here's a part of the tradition that we don't talk about!" so much as "Hey. Hey. Guess what? Guess what? Did you know that like. Chivalry was mainly a thing for a bunch of bloodthirsty aristocrats?" NO I HAD NO IDEA. NEITHER DID ANYONE IN THE MIDDLE AGES. And it does it while relentlessly portraying the middle ages as this bleak, moody, colorless world, aka The Visual Cliche We Have Seen A Thousand Times Over Again. Wow, look, a brothel. Wow, look, sex. Wow, look, violence. I bet you watched Game of Thrones once.

I hold a certain belief that if you're going to deconstruct a text or a tradition...you've got to do it better than the originals. And I feel like it isn't willing to take tips from what people in the middle ages were actually willing to do.

The characters don't act like PEOPLE, they act like Lowery's obnoxious mouthpieces. "Make me your LADY, Gawain!" He will NOT make you his lady and you KNOW that. Essel is seemingly there to establish Gawain's heterosexuality and be Lowery's own moral mouthpiece and ask pithy questions that seem to be deep. "Why greatness? Why not GOODNESS?" No one would ever think about that, Essel. We definitely don't have people from the Middle Ages...asking these questions.

...Alicia Vikander, you were wasted on this film.

And she doesn't escape it as Lady Bertilak, either, giving that long, self-indulgent monologue about the color green. I've seen people say that it sounds like something that could have come out of a medieval text and, with respect to them...no. It doesn't. It sounds like something that someone wrote in an attempt to be deep. Vellum is precious in the Middle Ages and you're going to waste it on THAT? (Instead of a long, long listing of Arthur's court, looking at you Culhwch ac Olwen.) Like the rest of the film, it's pretty on the outside, stylized almost to perfection, and empty on the inside. And then you have the scene in the Lowery where she somewhat teasingly, somewhat smugly imo talks about how "sometimes...don't tell anyone...when I see room for improvements, I make them " the texts she transcribes. What if the text didn't need to be improved, Lowery? What if it was FINE as it is? Like, say that you made changes in order to better deliver on the themes you wanted to convey, sure -- I still think his vision is shitty, but at least I could accept it. But an improvement? No. That's just hubris. It's rancid. That isn't Lady Bertilak talking, that's Lowery's ego.

You have the treatment of Lord Bertilak, which is...also rancid imo. Like, I don't give a single fuck what Lowery says, the kisses should have been in there. If you could give us a green kirtle cumshot and an entire plotline of Essel sighing dreamily and Emoting, you could have given us two more kisses. Or made the one kiss we got...actually consensual. But we didn't get that. Why? Why did we highlight heteroeroticism and downplay the homosociality?

And what does it all lead to? Nothing. You introduce Arthur as an imperialist, you introduce Camelot as this world that's falling apart, you introduce, but there's nothing that you leave to remedy it. Lay down and die, that's what you do when the world sucks. Can't improve it, might as well die, surrender your neck to the axe.

It encapsulates the worst elements of bad arthouse films -- the surreal is mistaken for the substantial, it's all style, no substance, and what substance it does have is rotten. I see very little of the Green Knight there, it's all Lowery.

[elwenyere]

for the wip game: any that hasn't been asked yet, or if they all have, an idea that has caught your attention that you might explore in the future!

Hello Serie!!! Thank you very much for the ask!!! I'm going to take the chance to share a little bit from the Stony North and South AU.

This fic is a very overdue MTH story for some very lovely friends, and though my progress has been glacial, it IS happening!!! It's a multi-chapter fic inspired by the Elizabeth Gaskell novel North and South, which is set in the north of industrializing England in the 19th century. The original novel is a tale of cultural misunderstandings and class struggle and the mechanical grind of global capitalism and PINING. There's also a BBC adaptation featuring a brooding Richard Armitage and a lot of atmospheric cotton.

For the AU I've played around with the character backstories a bit to try to get more Marvel-esque texture into the mix. Here's a little snip from the opening scene:

.....

Steve had told himself he would adjust to the city, with its narrow streets and ill-swept gutters and thick, coal-heavy fog. But each successive day had seemed to confirm his initial impression that Milton was cold and cramped, and so were its people.

It certainly didn’t help that the only landlord willing to rent to an Irish family on a small income was, well…not particularly attentive.

“I think the room could be improved with some new paper,” his mother suggested as he joined her on the sofa, setting their saucers and cups down on the low walnut table. “Something a little simpler, like the pattern in the sitting room at home.”

They could hardly do worse than what was already there, Steve thought - privately, of course. He really was determined not to load his mother with his troubles as well as her own.

“Here where you receive guests, certainly, you should have whatever paper you please,” he told her. 

“Speaking of guests,” she said, inclining her head in a way that let Steve know he should brace for the continuation, “Dr. Banner is going to call this afternoon to see how we’re settling in. And he’s bringing one of his friends, a Mr. Stark, who owns the paper mill, and who can offer us an introduction to some of the families in town.”

“Mother,” Steve started, and he then stopped himself, swallowing yet another word about "notions" with a scalding sip of his tea. 

They’d had this conversation many times since the possibility of emigration had been raised. But Steve had kept his own back-alley encounters with the extent of English prejudices too careful a secret to introduce them as evidence now. And though he knew Bucky’s name had to be at the forefront of both their minds, he never could bring himself to reopen the wound by invoking it out loud. 

It was unreasonable, after all, to expect his mother to forego society entirely in their new home.

“Of course, any friend of Dr. Banner’s is welcome here,” Steve finished, after what he hoped hadn’t been too obvious a delay.

His mother smiled at him.

“You’re a good son, Steve,” she said. “And a good man, too, though Lord knows you’ve got a stubborn streak wider than a ballybetagh.”

“And who do you think put that there?” Steve asked, a real smile stretching across his face as he took in his mother’s posture: firm and tall after all the past month’s griefs. 

Yes, he thought to himself firmly. For her sake he could put aside his wariness of this dim city, with its dense air and shuttered windows. He could be friendly to this Mr. Stark for one afternoon.

.....

Thank you very much for the ask, my dear!!! It was fun to finally share some of this. <3<3<3

[syneilesis]

Things I've learned and realized writing the fics for Inky's one-week challenge:

I'm a very slow writer; I genuinely struggle writing at least 500 words in one sitting. On good days, I can do 200 words. Inspired, maybe more. Ficlets like ekphrasis and others take me an entire day to finish. It's probably because I start writing with only a vague idea of how to go about it, or I only know the mood but not the details. I'm self-aware enough to be cognizant of my strengths and weaknesses, and I tend to stick to what works for me.

I've always wanted to write lengthy fics! But I never was the kind of writer who could hit more than 10k-word one-shots. My style doesn't lend to that kind of length. When I saw Inky's challenge and read that the max word count per entry is 500 words, I thought to myself, Ooh, I think I can do that. Regardless of the prompts -- though they help too; dialogue and AUs lend to a broadness that appeal to my rigid brain. A 500-word fic means in most cases a one-scene fic. Which frees my mind of context necessary to establish a setting. I don't have to come up with an elaborate backstory and/or explanation why this detail is like this, that detail is like that -- AUs as a trope can fill in the missing pieces to make your fic coherent.

My first fic entry was something that I plan on writing in the future, so it's easy to write it, but it still took me longer (but still within the range of my speed). My second, third, and fourth, I tried something a bit different: I used StimuWrite, an app that helps you focus on writing -- it's also known as a writing tool useful for people with ADHD.

It has a simple UI, with a word count goal and emojis that appear whenever you type words. I chose these settings: darker background (it doesn't hurt the eyes) and typewriter sfx for that legit typing feel. I may put in a bgm from youtube or something, but sometimes I just want to listen only to the sounds of typewriter keys.

I tried StimuWrite before, but it didn't work for me. I gave it another chance this time, and oh lord it's very effective???!???!!!!! I finished 3 fics in under a day. So last Sunday I wrote give or take 2,000 words, which truly blew my mind. As an aside, I recommend you try StimuWrite; it might be effective for you too.

Because of that surprising writing streak, I continued using the app for the rest of the fics. And that writing streak persists! I feel relieved, I feel elated, I feel like I can do this. It's as if my brain loosened up enough to let me do what I want. I'll definitely use StimuWrite in my other fics too --

-- with some conditions, of course. All I know right now is that it works for me if I have a target word count in mind (under 600) and that it's only concentrated on a single scene. So I could focus on one scene whenever I open up the app. But that means that I have an outline of my fic, which isn't a problem for me because I like the mental exercise of outlining. I hope that this would help me come November, as I'll participate in Nanowrimo with my original story project.

Another point I've realized is that limiting yourself with a word count improves your editing skills. I do edit and revise my fics -- but they're mostly in the sort of 'i'll delete this passage because it no longer fits' and 'i'll rephrase this because it sounds awkward'. But in the cases of my sixth and seventh event fics, I had to pare them down because I exceeded the word count requirement. Initially I was reluctant to remove passages but I had to. So I did. I removed some bits and details of the story but rephrased others to still fit them in. I have to shorten some scenes -- and this is revelatory to me somewhat -- which is actually effective for fast-paced action scenes that needed fewer words but with the largest possible impact. Sometimes, shorter is better. It made me productive, for one.

Anyway, this got long wtf? I don't even know if I was coherent about it. There are still a lot of things I'd like to improve on -- such as relying less on my crutch words and metaphors. I haven't the opportunity to read a lot lately, so I need to try at least one page a day. The book I'm currently reading has been sitting on my desk for months. Back then, when I said I wouldn't make a list of read books per year to stop pressuring myself, I didn't mean not to read books at all lmao.

I don't know how to end this post so here's a gif of a puppy on a bowl:

[punemy-spotted]

choosing questions was hard bc i feel like we've talked abt everything before 🤔

Post a snippet from a wip.

What is your favorite location and position to write in?

What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

What area of writing do you want to improve in?

What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

No i had the same problem i tried so hard I love youuuuuu

To the surprise of literally no one, I rambled, so all of this is going to be under a cut for the sake of everyone's dashboard.

Content Warnings for the Snippet: Discussion of death, Religious characters, Mention of Religion in a Small Town, Religious Control/Corporate Control, AGGRESSIVELY PRO-UNION OPINIONS

Want some more? Here's the fanfiction writing asks!

Post a snippet from a wip.

There’s a whole different kinda worship that comes from strangers sittin’ ‘round a table breakin’ bread an’ formin’ bonds. You knew it from your daddy’s own congregation an’ those Sunday suppers your momma arranged each week. You know it now from the warm surety of Curtis Everett’s hand on yours, keepin’ you from losin’ your footin’ on that trick step you ain’t had time to fix — bet you I can get Ed to take care of that  tomorrow — and the sound of hurried conversation bubblin’ outta your front parlor, house still buzzin’ with life. Shit, Curtis’s swearing nearly startles you outta your skin all over again as you both stand on the front porch, stompin’ the day’s coal dust off your shoes, forgot there was a meeting tonight. Foreman’s gonna have words for me, no doubt. Meeting is a cute word for it — s’the way things go, get the lonely and the friendless to start airin’ grievances an’ suddenly they ain’t so lonely nor so friendless anymore. A man with a wife an’ children might think twice about givin’ the company a reason to tear away the roof over his family’s head, divin’ into his future tomb day after day, respirator an’ headlamp in hand, but a man with nothin’ to lose is a man with a bone to pick with the only industry in town capable of puttin’ food in his belly on a daily basis — so long as he survived to see his next meal. Unions, you got used to hearin’ back in your own Holler, are the Lord’s way of puttin’ His protection back into a man’s own hands. Too bad them folks at P&R’d forgotten that sorta conventional wisdom. You’re allowed t’be late, for walkin’ me home, you tell him, letting the light of the house illuminate your smile as you open the front door.

What is your favorite location and position to write in?

I feel like this always changes depending on my mood. I still love sitting at my desk with my laptop on a riser so that I'm not completely killing my back with bad posture. Using my mechanical keyboard to write makes me so happy, and I can really only do that on my desk if I want to be nice to my already repeatedly injured wrists — thanks, crocheting. Plus, since I tend to edit by handwriting, it means I'm not hunched over my notebook and re-herniating my spine.

What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Oh man. Uh. Nothing? Maybe the character development, even though I know I have a slightly unconventional way of writing Reader-inserts. I really really get passionate about making my Reader-inserts feel like real people, like they would actively be a part of and have a hand in the growth of the world that they live in. Even my oneshots, I've written out pages and pages of backstory about why the Reader is doing what she's doing, what brought her to where she is now. Do I ever really expect to be able to explore it? No, but that's not the point. The point is that they are real to me, and I always want the people reading my fics to feel like they have become someone while reading the story. I want you to feel immersed. Transported.

What area of writing do you want to improve in?

Uhhhhh. Everything? Dialogue, probably, but also smut. I have no idea how to write smut. I'm not joking or being like... humble about it either, everything I write when it comes to smut always feels very... clinical to me — am I a narrator of a nature documentary? I'm definitely working on that.

What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

NOTHING BLEEEEHHHHH MY WRITING IS BAD AND I SHOULD FEEL BAD AAAAAAAA—fine, fine uhhhh... I'm gonna say it's probably just the fact that I'm still doing it, honestly. Writing is hard, y'all. Writing for fun when it's something I'm supposed to spend my whole career doing as a lawyer is a choice and it's not an easy one to make, but I'm still here. Slow, sad, a little crispy on the edges, but here. Support your local writer, y'all, cuz we're going through it.

[dzpenumbra]

5/30/23

It's odd saying I'm starting this early at 3:45 AM, but I guess that's what happens when you start drinking coffee at 5 PM.

I, once again, didn't really do much today. And I'm not horribly bummed about it, honestly. Today, it's okay.

I'm feeling a bit aimless. And... going through that whole... "my art isn't going anywhere, I could be working on 'something better'" thing. It's obnoxious. At least I don't just blindly submit to it now, that's improvement.

The current open projects are: the skull, the wooden bead necklaces, the abstract ink drawings. And... none of them are really calling me right now. The skull, I kinda hit a mental block design-wise. The beads, I have to pick a day and go out and try out this spray acrylic sealer I've never used before, and figure out how to suspend beads to spray them, but without them touching each other, so they don't stick together. That kinda just put me off a bit, honestly. Long term, it might be a better idea to find a sealer that isn't Mod Podge, that doesn't have that tacky finish to it. I don't know. Or I should just bite the bullet and give it a go and see how it turns out. The abstract ink drawings? Well... I'm running into that age-old nasty reflex trained into me from a young age. I don't know if it's an American thing, a modern era thing, or just the upbringing I had... but the whole "how do I sell this?" reflex is like... good lord, it's so unbelievably anti-creativity.

Nothing in my life has killed more creative ideas than the thought "how do I sell this? Will this sell? Can I pay my bills with this?" It's so deeply unsettling. It's like... maybe not even at a conscious level... this social system is designed to... discourage creative thought. I mean, just look around. Which has more incentive? Making something that follows analytic trends and formulas? Or making something truly reflective of you as a creative, truly unique? Which is better rewarded?

I don't feel like soapboxing, the whole topic makes me so deeply depressed that I struggle to even put it into words. It just feels like we're in this phase of reboots and milking nostalgia dry for cash and copy-pasting memes and using AI to make illusions of creativity. It feels like... an age of imitation, where everyone is copying others, who are also faking it. And my life-goal in all of this? To just be as true to the concepts I stumble across as I can. And be as true to my experience and process as possible.

I feel like there's a difference between being creative and being industrious. And I don't know if support for creatives is very common out there anymore. But, of course, my perspective is very biased and comes from a place of isolation... so... maybe there are tons of people nurturing creativity... and I'm just craving it. I'm just disconnected from it. I don't know.

I said I'm not going to soapbox, so I'm done. Again, it just bums me out too much, and I'm sure it's not completely true... rather, more a reflection of my fears. Because if it were true? What purpose do I have? That's spooky, you know? But that's the old "you need to create value for others" crap I got drilled into my head by my mom talking.

So yeah, maybe what I need to do tomorrow is... okay, let's try prepping a few new test beads and taking them outside and spraying them. That way I don't have to worry about "ruining" the beads I have already made. I'll do a few that are just ink dyed and a few with Mod Podge on them. Then, if that process ends up going okay and the results are good, I'll be good to just go spray the whole batch. And the plan right now is to use copper wire or string to suspend them, and put cardboard underneath so I'm not spraying all over the grass or whatever. I don't know, I'll figure the rest out when I get there. The goal is to do that tomorrow, we'll see how that plays out.

I did yoga this morning and god was it a welcome return. I enjoyed it. But... I found some bugs on my jasmine plant. I honestly have no clue how they got there, I'm guessing they came with the cutting? I have no clue. I'm praying they didn't infest my tomato or my chili, I'm going to check them before bed to make sure. They were these weird things that looked like pillbugs, or roly-polys (however you spell that), I'm guessing some kind of plant lice, gross little shits. I just plucked them off and flung them out the window. So... that was a bummer... but...

The jasmine bloomed today. And the whole apartment smelled of it. They smell very strong, and... there really aren't a ton of flowers either... so... XD I may have bit off more than I could chew? I hope not. I've been a bit anxious about it, like... that's one thing I didn't really take into consideration before buying what will grow into a full fucking bush... whether I will like the aroma... It was really a leap of faith with it, and I really did just get the plant because of the novelty of it blooming at night. The scent is intense, but it's not bad, it's just going to take some getting used to. I spent a little time today looking up bonsais, and seeing whether you can make this species into a bonsai, and apparently you can. So... that could be a thing down the line.

So yeah, I played a bit of Risk of Rain earlier in the day, I took care of the plants, I took a shower, I did laundry, I cooked some food, I watched the tail-end of a stream, and I've just sorta been floating around since.

I've been trying to listen for my inspiration, but it feels distant right now. It feels... dull, like music on the other side of a thick wall. Speaking of music... I played guitar a bunch today, so that was good. The only real inspiration that called me today was... I realized a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore. And are getting really old and beaten up. And I've always... I mean always been the kind of person that wears clothes until they are literally unwearable. To the point where I actually want to learn how to tailor, or at least patch clothing so I can extend its lifespan. But in my laundry today was that old white Parkway Drive wifebeater... and that thing is basically yellow at this point. I never really saw the color change because of how gradual it was, but years of sweat and smoke and age... yeah, I think it's time to retire it. But... my inspiration chimed in and said... "hey, you know... you could just... order some blank shirts off that place you got that fabric paint from... And get some fabric for wall hangings too, while you're at it... and get that delivered to the building. Then you can just make your own shirts. And you can make fabric art for like... display, too. Like tapestries and shit." And... it's not a half-bad idea.

But this reflex comes out and intercepts. Guess which one? The money one. Of course. In a very smart and practical tone of voice, too. And it says "hey bud, that's cool and all but... are you really going to invest more money into a project like this when you already have... how many open projects?"

And I struggle to maintain a balance there. In my experience, I make my best work when I follow whatever I'm inspired to work on. Even if that means a project lays dormant for years at a time. Even if that means some projects get started and never get finished. I feel like that's just sorta... the nature of the beast. This isn't like cooking or something, where once you start cooking something you kinda have to finish cooking it... or building a house, or something? I don't know. Like... let's take a piece I did last winter. It's a piece of cardboard, probably 5 inches by 12 inches, I painted a black border around it, a green and yellow organic pattern as a background and big all-caps lettering "BE HERE NOW" on it in gold ink. And it sat on my tables and cabinets and shit for months. And I took the opportunity, when I was sealing the yellow beads, to finally add a coat of Mod Podge to it to seal it and call it "finished". Is it actually "finished"? Fuck no! I could add edges to it to camouflage that it's made of cardboard. I could just use pushpins to mount it on the wall. I could mount it with cardstock and set it in a picture frame and hang it on my wall. There's tons of shit I could still do with it, even with the final coat on it. All work is a work in progress. Or, better put by one of my mentors, gone well before his time: "Art is never finished, only stopped."

So... maybe I should be a little gentler on myself, and give myself some leeway. I'm just... it's the money part. It's fucking money, I swear, every time. Every goddamn creative problem I have comes back to it. Ugh. Oh well. I'll think that over tomorrow. It's probably not as expensive as I think it is.

Birds are starting to chirp and... god this is so weird to say, I guess I'll get used to it in time... it smells different in here. XD I think the flowers closed up. Maybe it's in my head and I'm just used to the smell, I don't know... Either way, it's getting late, so.... tarot time!

First Position - Past - IV: The Emperor (A powerful, dominant, strategic and protective figure of great influence and reach.  Symbolically, important changes, a shift in power, new responsibilities or authority. Adjacently symbolizes stability.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Wands, inverted (Inspiration, creativity, fresh ideas.  The seed of confidence you need to embark on a new creative journey.) Third Position - Future - Ace of Cups (A new relationship and the accompanying surge of emotions.  Getting in touch with your feelings.  Matters of the heart.  A deepening bond.)

Alright... here we go. So... this thread sources from either a strong male figure, myself as a strong male figure, or the concepts that come along with that. Stability, growth, expansion, protection. I was putting this card description into my Google Doc notes because this was the first time I've drawn it and... I have a section in there for "Personal Association/Memory", to help me learn the cards at a very personal level and... I was drawing a blank. I really haven't had many... I would venture to even say any figures like that in my life. And because of that... I kinda took on that role myself. And set it as a goal for myself. To be a good role model, and... maybe someday... a good father. It was a very "goes without saying" goal of mine my entire adult life... until very recently. I guess since I crossed the 35 year mark. And I started trying to ground myself in the reality that I... may go to my grave never being a father. And that's okay, I guess. I was a father for my pets, and I was a really good dad for them, at least towards the end once I got my shit together. So... I guess... this card might be referring to... my inner Dad. The part of myself that keeps me safe, keeps me secure, keeps me protected and stable and responsible. That's my theory on this.

That Emperor symbol from the Past is connected to... an inverted Ace of Wands. Aces are the beginnings of the journey of that element, and Wands is creativity/creation. And the second I drew that card, I chuckled, because I spent pretty much this entire journal entry (and last one) talking about creative block and a lack of inspiration. Or, at least, dysfunction with my inspiration. And the inverted Ace of Wands is the embodiment of that. So... pretty straight-forward there.

What that's connected to, as an outcome in the Future... is the Ace of Cups. We got this a few days ago. The Ace of Cups is the start down the journey of emotions, perhaps social connection. It's that giant surge of emotions you get on a first date. At least, that's how I've been reading the card; as a giant outburst or influx of emotions. In that context, this narrative makes sense to me.

How I'm reading this... is that I have a protective figure inside me... maybe it's the budget guy? The "will it sell" guy? The "will you ever make enough to pay rent" guy? Who is trying to keep me safe in a very practical, fatherly way. He's looking out for me. "Don't just go buying t-shirts and cloth and stuff, you have projects to work on already, just write it down and come back to it, we're on a budget right now." That inner fatherly voice, keeping my creative self in check from impulsively ordering. But this practical Emperor... can cause disruptions with my inspiration. I mean, I was literally complaining about it this entire post! "hey bud, that's cool and all but... are you really going to invest more money into a project like this when you already have... how many open projects?" I fucking quoted it! And that's literally snuffing out an inspiration spark before it has a chance to take root, because it's not in the budget. It's not finding a way to make it work, it's not figuring out what work I can do on that project with what I have on hand... it's just diverting my attention away from my inspiration and back over to my other projects. Which obviously puts my inspiration and creative project into disarray. And the result of this? If it goes unchecked? Well... that's the part I've been trying to understand, because... I kinda got the vibe from Ace of Cups that it was a "positive" card... like a "welcome to a new relationship" kinda card... but... in this context, it really doesn't feel that way. It feels like it's a giant surge of emotion, and me submitting to that emotion, or being powerless to it. Not necessarily being out of control or in disorder from it, but being consumed by it. And that would probably be... anxiety? Depression? Frustration? I guess.

I'm a bit shaky on the last bit, because... again... if that Ace of Cups was inverted it would make perfect sense to me. But... I mean... given the context of the other cards... I just don't really see any big primal outpouring of emotions coming from an inverted Ace of Wands being... good emotions...

So... my inner Father is being a bit too tough on me and is stifling my creativity... and I need to regulate and tweak the way I do that a bit or... I could be headed to a big emotional surge that isn't necessarily a good one. That makes sense to me.

Alright, it's late. Well... early. Whatever. I'm heading to bed.