#i've decided this year one of my goals is to watch more things i hadn't heard anyone talk about before

[sunriseverse]

honestly not sure how i would recommend this but it's good. it's only about ~thirteen minutes in total but it's really interesting and the costuming and CGI is very good.

[fontasticcrablettes]

I recently watched an 11 hour critique of Arise, because I'm the kind of person who loves an 11 hour video essay, but it's got me thinking about all the building blocks Arise put in place but under-utilized. So I've been brainstorming some "I can fix him" ideas.

For now I'm focusing on the lords, and how each one sorta has a connection to a party member in a way reminiscent of the God Generals or the Chimeriad. But those connections are flimsy and not fully realized, so how can we make this better?

Originally this post was going to be ideas for all of them, but my total rewrite of Vholran and Alphen's backstory got away from me so this is just focusing on Vholran for now.

--

Vholran desperately wants to be a dark foil for Alphen, but he comes across more like Zagi in his meaningless obsession with cruelty and totally one-sided rivalry with the protagonist.

So what if, Vholran and Alphen had a pre-existing relationship? 300 years ago, they were soldiers together in Dahna, with a bit of a friendly rivalry going on. Both came from noble Dahnan families, and they became friends when they entered the military academy around the same time (for even more spiciness, they could also have been lovers).

That friendly rivalry, though, was started to become progressively less friendly as Vholran grew jealous of Alphen receiving more attention and higher scores. It got even worse once they were actually officers on the field, and Alphen was promoted faster and received more decorations from their superiors.

One of their biggest clashes was in how they valued their troops. Alphen cared about every soldier, and was hesitant to use strategies that would cause large casualties, while Vholran saw them as expendable and would use reckless tactics to secure goals even if it led to high casualties for his troops. Vholran justified this by claiming that since they were of noble birth, it was their right to use the lower classes for their own gain. Alphen, meanwhile, thought all people had equal value, and nobility meant he had a duty to defend those with less power.

Then, they both got kidnapped by Renans to be used in the sovereign experiments. Neither of them really knew what was going on, except that it involved giving them some kind of power and the researchers were trying to find the 'strongest' subject to receive them. Vholran's jealousy intensified, and he was furious when Alphen was chosen and not him.

Vholran escaped the lab and sabotaged the Spirit Channelling Ceremony, and it was his interference that caused Alphen's powers to go berserk and cause all those people. Naori gave Alphen the mask as per the game, and took Alphen to the space ship back to Dahna.

Seeing this as a chance to get home, Vholran stowed away when she wasn't looking. Naoir had set the ship to cry-sleep for the trip home because Alphen had been injured in the destruction and needed the healing. But, Vholran once again fucked things up when he snuck his way onto the ship, and instead of being frozen for a few months to heal, they both ended up sleeping for 300 years.

Vholran came to his senses a bit before Alphen did since he hadn't been injured to start with. A quick scouting trip from the ship gave him some idea of what was going on in Calaglia. With his ability to use magic and pass as a Renan, he dragged a weak and still mostly out of it Alphen to the nearest Renan troops and announced he'd captured a runaway slave.

(At which point they would have put a spirit core on his hand, because... seriously why didn't they do that)

From there, Vholran does his thing in Ganath Haros, killing and replacing the current lord. His goal from here is to win the Crown Contest so he can return to Lenegis as the true Sovereign and take his revenge on the Renans for what they put him through 300 years ago. Once he hears about the uprising and Balseph's death, however, he decides to go investigate.

When they first encounter Vholran in Cyslodia, Alphen has a sudden flash of memory that this was the guy who'd sold him out to the Renan's a year ago. They have no idea who he is or where he came from, but the party is immediately wary of him as they see him as someone who had the chance to help an escaped Dahnan find freedom and instead turned him in.

The next time they meet, on their way to Mahag Saar, Vholran talks to Alphen more and flashes of memory come back, leaving him certain that he knows Vholran from somewhere. It's even more powerful than his sense of knowing Shionne from somewhere, because he actually does have strong memories of Vholran rather than her simply resembling someone he knew.

So when we finally get to the Ganath Haros arc, Alphen's mask has been smashed and he has all his memories back. Now, the opponent they are facing is not just the lord of Ganath Haros who kidnapped Shionne and has a one-sided grudge against Alphen. Now Alphen is out to confront his old friend who became his enemy out of jealousy and an inability to work together or value others. Alphen wants to rescue Shionne, but he also wants to confront the man who sabotaged the ceremony and put all those people's blood on his hands, the man who sold him into slavery, the man who ruined his life in so many ways over the years even though all Alphen ever wanted was to be friends.

But this shouldn't end in Ganath Haros. As the main protagonist's biggest foil, Vholran should be the main antagonist through to the end. So, after they defeat him in Ganath Haros, Vholran flees back to Lenegis with the Helganquil. Vholran isn't a Renan, so he has been able to see the Red Women the entire time, and figured out what was going on.

Because simply being ruler of Lenegis isn't enough for him, especially when he realizes Rena is empty. What's the point of being sovereign of a dead planet? But they have starships, and there's a whole galaxy out there. The water master core already gave him massive amounts of power, so what could he do with the astral energy of an entire planet?

The final act sees Vholran as the main villain, who has given up ruling Dahna, in large part because he's a petty bastard and wants Alphen to watch his world die, and has set his sight on the stars. He uses the wedge to begin draining Dahna of energy, and plans to use the Great Astral Spirit + Dahna's energy to power Renan starships to another world and begin the colonization and extraction of astral energy all over again.

We can tie Shionne's thorns into this, too. In the year since Vholran awoke and began plotting to use the Great Astral Spirit, his manipulation of it triggered heightened activity in her thorns, giving her the visions of the thorns destroying the world and convincing her to set off on her own journey.

I'm not entirely sure how he fits in with the Helganquil. I try to keep as much as possible from canon in proposed rewrites, but... I really think Vholran needs to be the main architect of evil schemes here. Perhaps he's overthrown the Helganquil and part of the third act sees the Helganquil reaches out to the party for help.

[steppingonyourshadow]

Selected excerpts from GQ February 2024

His is a face that's constantly under a microscope. A few months ago, his studio posted a series of photos for his birthday. Sharp-eyed netizens noted immediately that his face had "become rounder". In order to play Guo Jing of Tsui Hark's Legend of Condor Heroes, Xiao Zhan put on weight before filming began. His face was no longer so narrow, and he had obviously bulked up. The photos showed him with a scattering of stubble, a little rough.

Strictly speaking, Legend of Condor Heroes is Xiao Zhan's second movie. There have already been many iconic portrayals of Guo Jing, so the pressure was obviously on.

The day of the GQ cover shoot, Xiao Zhan got up early to go for a run. He couldn't help but worry that he'd lose muscle mass from sweating so much, and hesitated over whether to continue. Finally he decided to do a full 30 minutes. After that, it occurred to him that he wouldn't start burning fat until 30 minutes in, so he did another 10.

It's all for the sake of the job. "Actually, I'd rather not be running - it decreases muscle mass. But I have to, to get rid of bloating." After the shoot, no matter how late it got, he plans to go do more weight training. The discipline of an actor is the constant process of creating their character's look, all the while strictly controlling their diet and maintaining their figure. Xiao Zhan sees both as standard and imposes this standard on himself.

I was curious how he felt having been under constant scrutiny these past few years. I wasn't expecting him to say that it was barely on his mind most of the time, and hadn't brought much disruption to his life either, that the "cruelest" thing was "not being able to eat whatever I want".

"I still sneak out for a bike ride, or a walk. I've been spotted just the once, within five minutes of walking around a Hutong. I've also snuck into cinemas to watch movies, no one cares that you're there, really. Once you're away from the internet, a lot of problems just solve themselves. Sometimes we think what's in front of us is the whole world, that's a mistake, but one that can't be avoided. Nothing to be done about it."

There are lots of things he wants to do, like ride the subway, go shopping. "I really will use the subway, maybe tomorrow, nothing extraordinary about that. I used to do it every day."

For Xiao Zhan, this is real life. He's no longer bothered by social media comments.

"If I still let it get to me after all this time, what kind of life would I live?" He laughs. "Really, it's fine."

Right now, Xiao Zhan is very satisfied with his life. "I have my work, my own life, and an audience that appreciates me. Nothing to be dissatisfied about."

To an extent, Xiao Zhan's relaxed state stems from increasing clarity about his goals. Outside voices no longer bother him, he knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. Right now, more and more he's trying to simplify. In the past two years, he hasn't done much variety, choosing to focus on acting as his most important goal.

Three shows in which Xiao Zhan played the main character aired in 2023. Each character was a challenge in different ways. During the interview, Xiao Zhan said "it was a lot of pressure" many times, in relation to each of these stages, but his tone was always light, nothing of the heaviness of someone bemoaning difficulties, and more like an analytical mindset after the event, with concrete and objective reasoning: this show was the first time he did green screen, that one was his first solo lead role, first contemporary drama...

Where Dreams Begin was a script Xiao Zhan loved. He really likes stories from that era. When he was a kid he watched Bloom of Youth and Happiness As Flowers. In his mind the 70s and 80s shine brightly, in vivid colour.

Many say that the character of Xiao Chunsheng is perfect, but Xiao Zhan saw this as his greatest flaw. He found the character very interesting and wanted to give it a go. Xiao Chunsheng is a Beijing kid. How to convey his demeanor and speak in authentic Beijing dialect was no small challenge to Xiao Zhan who grew up in Chongqing.

The Longest Promise's Shi Ying is cold and aloof. Because he didn't want to disappoint everyone who had high expectations of his guzhuang look, Xiao Zhan pushed himself above and beyond to lose weight before filming began. "The Longest Promise was a script I got in 2020. Among the ones I had to choose from, it was the one with the most well-rounded characters, and the most nuanced relationships. Plus, it had a strong sense of internal logic and coherence. So it was my best choice."

Sunshine By My Side is the one Xiao Zhan had been considering the longest. He was given the script in 2019. Sheng Yang may be in the same line of work Xiao Zhan had been doing before debuting, but he wasn't certain he could recreate the life of a designer for the screen in a natural, believable way.

Recently, Xiao Zhan found an old book at home - Danshari [book about decluttering and optimization of the home by Hideko Yamashita]. It had been recommended to him by his boss when he was a designer. What the book said about organising one's life made him rethink what he wanted, and what he ought to leave behind.

"Contemporary and slice of life dramas were a totally foreign territory for me." At the start he was to eager to finish his lines, having them memorised back to front. But no one in real life speaks like that. Later, he realised that there was a particular logic in where to pause and where to place the emphasis in a line in a contemporary drama.

For example, when he decided to be an actor, and that he didn't want to do anything else other than acting. "If you try and force me, then let's have the debate. There's no such thing as right and wrong, my people are only looking out for me, isn't it positive to have so much work? But for me, I need to simplify my life. Because there are some things I definitely don't want."

Xiao Zhan's acting career began with an "ordinary overage guy pursues his dream into the entertainment industry" story. He went into a survival show at the age of 24, learned to dance as a total novice, debuted in a boy group, acted in internet dramas, played bit parts in movies, until he hit it big in 2019 and became an attention-grabbing star.

If you choose to do something, then give it your best. That's what Xiao Zhan was taught from a young age. When he was in junior high, his parents bought him a cellphone. Initially when he sent text messages he'd use spaces in place of punctuation. But his father said to him very severely, "where's the punctuation, why isn't there a question mark at the end of your sentence?" So now Xiao Zhan always pays attention to punctuation.

Xiao Zhan has had a competitive spirit since he was a child. So long as it's something he can control, he'd rather not miss a single opportunity. He used to take the bus to school and get anxious on behalf of the people who fell asleep and missed their stops. For the things he can't control, he'd remind himself not to get too caught up and learn to accept the outcome. And before that, do everything he can the best he can.

When asked which of his projects had come about following a lot of effort on his part to land it, Xiao Zhan's response is surprising. He says, "all of them". Before he made it big, he auditioned a lot. Once he'd passed the interview stage, gotten into the final round, even did trial shots with full makeup, and was still replaced. Now of course people pass him scripts, but Xiao Zhan always tells himself, that's just an expression of interest which can be given to many people at once. If he encounters a script he really likes, he'll set up a meeting with the director and talk to them about his understanding of the character. He feels it's important to display the right attitude.

Xiao Zhan grew up just like any other 90s kid - his parents worked, his grandma did all the cooking, he went to school every day, came home, and if he did poorly in an exam he'd get a beating. They ate dinner at 6:30 every night, and then his friends would call for him to come down and play Hide and Seek, Red Light, Green Light, or Hopscotch.

His face shines when he speaks of this time. These ordinary little things all seem rare and precious now. Xiao Zhan says he's grateful for those first 23 years before his dream-like brave foray into the entertainment industry. "I really value those times, I think it was great."

He thinks that if he hadn't entered the industry, he'd probably be living like his classmates and friends, taking clients out for dinner only to come home and do more overtime to finish his design work overnight, day after day.

"Being seen" makes him happy. No matter how busy he gets, Xiao Zhan never complains. "If there's work to be done, then do it properly." While filming The Oath of Love he was also recording the variety show Our Song. Whenever he had a moment between scenes, he'd put on headphones and sing along softly. When his costars came over out of curiosity, he'd give a sheepish grin and explain that he was practicing the song he had to sing that night. "There's no time, really none." Back then, work took up pretty much his entire life.

Xiao Zhan will almost never give himself a holiday. "Unrealistic," he says firmly. When he's exhausted enough, he can fall asleep sitting upright on set.

This year, Xiao Zhan felt a sense of urgency stemming from "not enough works". "Compared to some of my seniors, when they were in their thirties they already had many credits." He clearly understands that a huge breakthrough in his acting skills from just a single piece of work is unlikely. "That probably won't happen for me."

He's considered whether he wants to be an actor with a unique individual style or a crowd-pleaser. His answer is the latter. "They might not be fans of yours, or even feel very positive toward you, but when they know you have a show on, they think, maybe I should check it out, his shows are all pretty good. That's what I want, that's my current goal. Whether I can reach the level of the actors I admire, that's a long road, I'm going to take my time."

"Make more shows, work with more good people, that's the current goal. I'm not thinking about the rest right now," Xiao Zhan says.

[I'll translate and post the Q&A segment later.]

[canirove]

Best friends… forever? | Chapter 19

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"How does that feel?"

"Cold" Rúben hisses. "But good. Thank you, Mila" he says while holding the cold patch on his eye.

"I can't believe you actually hit each other. What are you, twelve?"

"He started it."

"He... Oh, c'mon" she says, rolling her eyes. "You hit him first!"

"But who started being an annoying piece of shit during the game, uh? Your friend Fran."

"Rúben, he is a striker and you a defender. It was part of the game."

"Celebrating that fucking goal on my fucking face was also part of the game?"

"Whatever. This is a pointless argument" Mila says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It is, yes. Because you will keep defending him. You should be at Betis' changing room checking on his jaw, not here with me."

"Maybe I should, yes. Unlike others, he probably isn't behaving like a kid."

"Me?"

"Yes, Rúben. You."

His only answer is a laugh, one that seems to hurt like hell judging by the way his face twists.

"I can't do this anymore, Mila" he says after a few seconds of silence.

"Being a child? Yes, I agree" she replies.

"That's not what I mean" he says, rolling his eyes. "I mean this, us. Being like this. I'm tired of you constantly changing your mind and not being able to decide what the hell you want."

"What are you talking about?"

"You kept saying that you had no feelings for me or were curious about how would it feel if you kissed me, yet the moment it happened, you went all in. Then it looked like things were somehow working out even if we were just friends with benefits, but the moment our friends found out, you ran away. Then you told me you needed space to think about what you felt, but ended up hooking up with a guy you just met. You come back, decide that you need to spend some time away from me, but the first time we meet again, you are in my bed. Then you ask me if we can see each other again as friends, to go slow, and when your summer hook up shows up in Manchester, you accept his invitation to watch him play while you've been avoiding coming to all my other games. Don't you see it, Mila? You give me something, but then completely change your mind and do something that leaves me with nothing. And I'm tired. I'm just... Tired."

"I'm sorry, I just... I'm..." she mumbles.

"Mila...” Rúben says, taking a deep breath. “I've fallen in love with you, Mila. There. I said it. Do you feel the same?" Rúben asks her.

"I have feelings for you."

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do, Rúben."

"But do you love me the way I do? Not as best friends. As something else."

"As something else?"

"The fact that you are answering me with another question instead of actually giving me an answer, tells me everything I need to know" he says, getting up from the stretcher where he was sitting.

"Rúben, I..."

"I gotta go shower" he says, leaving the room without looking at her.

"Fuck!" Mila screams, kicking the stretcher and making it fall.

"Hey, what happened?" Ella says, walking in. "Mila, are you ok? What happened?"

"What I knew would happen. That we've ruined our friendship. That I have ruined our friendship" she says between sobs.

"Oh, come here" Ella says, hugging her. "It's gonna be ok, you'll see."

"It's not" she says, tears running down her face. "It is over."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"You don't have to leave, you know? You can stay here for as long as you need."

"I know, Ella" Mila says. "But you and Joe deserve some proper privacy."

"I'm gonna miss you."

"Me or the way I keep the house clean and tidy?" she chuckles.

"Both? I don't know, I've got used to having you around."

"I'll still be around. I'm just moving to my own place. New year, new life."

It had been a couple of months since that horrible City-Betis. Since Rúben had confessed that he loved her. Since she hadn't been able to say it back.

Because she now knew she felt the same for him. Every day that passed, Mila was more sure of it. But it was too late. Rúben was done with everything that had to do with them. That’s what their friends in common, and also Rodri and John, had told her when she had asked them about how he was doing.

"He's acting as if he didn't know you, as if you were a stranger. I guess that's his way of dealing with it, that it hurts less" John told her.

A few days later, they crossed paths at their place when she went to pick up some clothes.

"Oh, hi. I didn't know you were here. If I had known, I would have come later, I don't want to bother you" Mila said.

"It's ok" Rúben replied, using a tone he had never used with her, not even when they had had a huge fight and were mad at each other. He had never been that cold. "But I think it's time one of us moves out."

"Oh."

That was the only thing she was able to say. Oh.

"I can do it, I don't mind."

"No, I'll do it. I already have half my things at Ella's, it'll be easier."

"Ok. Let me know when you are coming to pick the rest" he said as he left for his room, completely ignoring her as he walked past her.

That day, when Mila went back to Ella's house, she couldn't stop crying. She probably fell asleep while still crying.

Then the holidays came, and they had to explain to their families what had happened. Or at least, some kind of version.

"We just feel like it is time to have our own space" Mila told her parents. "We know the city and the way things work, we don't need to babysit each other anymore."

Rúben had said something similar, adding that they would not be spending the holidays together because since he was free, this year he wanted to be in Portugal for the first time since he moved to England.

And now, here she was, packing her last bits of clothing before moving to her new apartment. Before starting her new life. A life without Rúben.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"This feels so... Empty" Bruno says when he walks into Rúben's apartment.

"Maybe" he shrugs. But the house did feel empty. Empty, too big, and too cold without her things. Without Mila.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm ok" Rúben says. Which is a lie. He misses Mila, and most days he finds himself arriving home, calling her name ready to tell her how his day has been, and getting no answer. He would walk into her room, about to ask her what she wanted for dinner or if she was in the mood to watch something on tv, but he would only find an empty bed. And that only made the pain he felt way worse than it already was.

He knew he had behaved like a dick, that he shouldn't have been so cold with her the last time they met. But he was on his right to be mad at her. And if he wanted to forget about her, to be able to move on, this was the only way. It would have to be as if she didn't exist, as if they hadn't shared their whole lives together. Though it was going to be an impossible task. He still loved her and knew he will always do, that she was the one. But right now, this was what the only thing he could do.

"I'm sorry" Bruno says.

"About what?"

"About this, about you and Mila not being able to see the other without feeling like shit. It's all my fault for being annoying, constantly asking you about your feelings for each other. I pushed you too much and too hard, and I broke you."

"It was bound to happen. The feelings were there, already changing. One way or another, it would have exploded."

"Maybe. But maybe things would have gone smoothly if I hadn't been so annoying."

"It's impossible to know, Bruno. Don't blame yourself" Rúben says, squeezing his friend's shoulder.

"I'm gonna fix it, tho. I don't know how, but I'm gonna do it. You love Mila, and I know she loves you. You are meant to be together. It may take some time because right now you both are too hurt, but one day... One day you'll be together. I promise."

"If you say so..." Rúben sighs.

"I do. So don't lose hope, ok?"

"That's easier said than done. And you don't know how she feels. Maybe she's moved on and is seeing someone, like that Fran."

"She isn't seeing anyone, that's the last thing she cares about right now."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've spoken with her, and even if we talk about random things, she always ends up asking me about you, about how you are doing."

"Really?" Rúben asks, feeling a bit of that hope Bruno wants him to feel.

"Really. So promise me that you won't give up. Can you do that?"

"I guess I can” he sighs.

[jamespottersmixtape]

september 16: binge 1,173 words @rosekiller-microfic

It’s their movie night! just rosekiller being in love tbh (ft. Regulus freaking out)

After careful contemplation, in which he heavily weighed the pros and cons of each day of the week, Evan has decided that Saturday is his favourite.

This isn't that surprising—Saturdays are great. No work, no school, no need to wake up early or go to sleep before dawn. Pure unbridled bliss to spend a day however one pleases.

But that isn't why Evan loves them.

No, Evan has become rather fond of Saturdays because for the past year or so since he and Barty started dating, they've made it a goal to host a movie night. Just the two of them.

It started off as a complete accident—Saturday being one of the only days the two were free, unburdened by Evan's university classes and Barty's part-time job. So one night they found themselves sprawled over Evan's couch, watching a movie and eating takeaway because they hadn't felt like leaving the flat. Then the next week found them in a similar position, only at Barty's place, completely by coincidence.

By the third week they realized the pattern and made a truce—every Saturday that they could manage they'd stay at one of their flats, order in, and put on a random movie or show to watch together.

It quickly became a favorite date night for the both of them—choosing to ignore the rest of the world for one night a week and keep each other company. It was more than enough. Soft, tender touches under a blanket and rowdy laughter directed at a particularly shitty movie Barty had picked out. They would always end the night with their limbs tangled together, whether that be on the couch or one of their beds.

Now over a year later Evan still feels the same excitement bubbling in the pit of his stomach as the clock hits 5pm—their official designated start time.

He figures Barty will arrive any minute now and let himself in, so he turns the TV on and grabs some blankets from the closet, setting up the couch as comfortably as he can.

He's in the kitchen looking over menus when he hears the turn of a key and the click of the front door closing. He smiles to himself, soft and hidden, as feet patter across his wooden floors.

A warm presence ghosts along his back as steady arms wrap around his waist. Barty tugs him closer and hooks his chin over Evan's shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to his neck.

"Hi Ev," Barty mumbles; he sounds tired. Evan knows he went home to see his mother today, a visit that usually leaves Barty drained no matter how much he loves her. He tries his hardest not to be so reserved around Evan; he's definitely gotten better with opening up about his home life, but it can be hard.

Evan has learned to be patient.

"Hi baby," he hums, turning his head and capturing Barty's lips in a kiss. It's sweet, chaste.

He turns around fully so he can run his fingers through Barty's hair, cupping his face with his free hand. "How was today? Your mum's well?"

That's another thing they've worked on: communication. Sometimes just a simple How was your day? or a Can we call later? I miss you, makes all the difference when both of them lead such busy lives. The two of them are far from perfect, but they try their best.

Barty shrugs, but smiles nonetheless. "She's good, not very busy these days. Father wasn't home so we went out for coffee," he wrinkles his nose at the thought of his father, and Evan laughs. He can't say he disagrees with the sentiment.

Barty tugs Evan closer where his hands still rest on his waist. "And what'd you do today? Other than wait for me to grace you with my presence, of course."

Evan rolls his eyes. "Actually I was dreading this. I'd much rather go back to studying like I've been doing for the past 6 hours. It's very fun," he loops his arms around Barty's neck, staring up at him with a devilish grin.

"Oh I'm sure," Barty nods along. "I should make my swift exit then, don't wanna take up too much of your time Mr. University."

"Shut up and kiss me, idiot."

Their lips meet again, warm and slow under the yellow lighting of Evan's small kitchen. It's unhurried, no intention other than re-familiarizing themselves with each other. Still, kissing Barty always makes his entire body light up—fireworks or tingles or electricity; whatever you want to call it—and he shivers from head to toe at the feeling.

God, he's painfully in love with this stupid man.

They pull back, Barty's hand never leaving Evan's hip as they go about chattering aimlessly. They choose a restaurant and Evan forces Barty to call in—pizza, even though Barty complains that his mother sent him home with enough Italian food.

They laugh at nothing as they wait for the food, Barty recounting to Evan how Regulus called him at 8pm the previous night to freak out when he found a ring in James' sock drawer.

Honestly Evan's surprised they're not married with two kids yet. They've been dating for ages, and James looks at him like he built the solar system. It's gross—and also about damn time that man proposes.

The food arrives in record time and they make themselves comfortable, Barty laying half of his body weight on Evan's legs. Not that he's complaining.

Barty chooses a show for them to watch tonight—some random sitcom he's been binge watching the past few weeks—and they settle into a comfortable silence, munching on their food.

"Hey, B?" he asks halfway through the second episode; food long gone and plates piled in the sink. He's wrapped in Barty's arms now, a blanket thrown over the both of them.

The chatter on the TV is low enough that he knows Barty heard him, but he doesn't make a move to acknowledge it.

Evan pokes one of his hands. Nothing.

He sighs, long and drawn out. "Baby."

Predictably, Barty turns his head to face Evan. He looks smug, the bastard, and raises a questioning eyebrow.

"Rosie?"

"Ugh, you're horrible. Why do I tolerate you again?"

Barty smiles, a bright and open gesture that radiates even more warmth under the soft blanket. "Cause you're just as bad as I am," he wraps his arms tighter and noses at Evan's hair.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am n–"

"Watch the show, Ev," Barty interrupts, leaning down to kiss his cheek.

Evan scoffs but resigns himself to sink into the surrounding warmth, the rise and fall of Barty's breathing a comforting lull. The domesticity of it all makes his chest ache.

They go through another episode before Evan begins to feel the effects of sleep taking over, his brain peacefully blank and his eyes struggling to stay open.

"Sleep, Ev. I'll wake you later," he hears Barty whisper lowly next to his ear. Evan smiles, and lets his eyes close.

This, he thinks. This is perfect.

[dervaaas]

Sae Itoshi, you egoist

Character: Sae Itoshi

F! reader

Probably this is one of the best things I've written in recent times. It's quite easy to read in my language, I haven't used this method for a long time, I hope it also turned out to be easy to read. Also, many thanks to one person for sharing with the site where I can read the chapters up to the most recent one :)

It must have been difficult to interact with Sae since childhood? He was definitely much more open, but he's not like that now, and not much pops up in my memory. I can't say that some of my childhood memories have been erased from my mind, but I don't remember the moment when he began to treat me like that and also, it seems, to Rin.

I was a frequent guest in their house, and their mother probably loved me very much: no matter how I come, he will treat me with something, joke, tell me what the boys have done in my absence. I certainly liked her, and she reciprocated.

As I remember, my parents loved to travel around Japan: now there is no place where they would not be, and therefore I often went with them, and we did not stay long on the spot. But we stayed in the city for several years - it was already financially impossible to continue constant movement.

A child of five or six years old was not interested in it, I did not pay much attention to it. We stopped - yes, we stopped, there is an opportunity to communicate with someone else. At that time, Rin hadn't played football yet, but I just sat with him and played with different toys, sometimes looking at the field.

I clearly remember that I didn't notice how Rin disappeared from under my side and stole that goal. I was as surprised as Sae. "Wow, someone else is going to play football!" - that's what I thought.

Football was one of the things I didn't understand. More precisely, some moments in it. But I don't think that a child who is not particularly fond of it even thought about such difficulties. Then for me it was just a game without rules; the main thing is to score a goal and no matter how.

For me, their game was something exciting: I always watched the process with interest, dragged my parents, just so they could see how they play. In a way, I'm their biggest fan. Since I didn't understand it, it seemed to me something incredible. Their play is what I found their interaction special for, something that made me feel their connection special. 

Perhaps if they continued to practice in the same spirit, they would be invincible. I sometimes joined them, and we came up with different combinations of our attacks. Playing with them on the field is an unforgettable feeling! However... Something went wrong after Sae's arrival from Spain. Of course, he was exactly the same: a quiet guy, answering with monosyllabic sentences, with a calm, bored look. But there was rudeness in his behavior and an unbearably bored expression on his face.

Oh, right... that's when we all broke up. I was shocked by this behavior of my friend (or maybe a guy I liked). It was rude of him: the Sae I knew wasn't like that. Not at all. 

I couldn't stay on Rin's side either, although I perfectly understood his desire to play with Sae on the field together, but not as a midfielder and striker, but to be strikers together. That day I finally stopped writing Sae. Or rather, I wrote to him, and even a lot: at first he answered as much as possible, and then he stopped, but I continued, thinking that he was very busy. But the message "I like you" was the last one, and remained unanswered.

Sae, do you regret that you decided to play with the national team against Blue Lock at all? You obviously like to win. I'm sorry, Rina, that you didn't recognize him. Can you imagine, even Shido managed to take your number: it's so convenient than writing to you all the time through websites. Whereas I asked you about it many times after your first arrival back to Japan. This is probably the best option for you: you are right to put your desires higher than the thoughts and needs of others. Sae, that's who, and you are a real egoist. Even your words about love won't change what you've already done.

[teamgalacticfangirl]

What Does Cyrus

Mean to Me?

⚠️Warning: Mention of Suicide⚠️

Well, this is my final post of 2022.

About 6 years ago, I received Pokemon Ultra Moon and a 3DS for Christmas. I hadn't asked for those; my mom got them for my and my brother to spend more time together (except he got Ultra Sun).

Of course, I played it, because I have always loved playing video games. And, like all the other girls I knew who played Pokémon, my favorite character was Gladion... but only in the main game.

Before I continue with my story, I should tell you that my grandmother (I live with my mom and grandma) had taught me to always hate villains. I was not allowed to sympathize with them or anything like that. I was only allowed to watch or read forms of entertainment in which the villain is potrayed as unlikable. As a result, I grew up with this mindset.

The post-game of Ultra Moon, however, had me reconsider my mindset. Well... not immediately; there was Archie, Maxie and Lysandre, and I didn't really care for them. However, there was something about Cyrus that I really liked. His intelligence, his implied connection to Rotom (Rotom was my favorite back them), and his mysterious and intimidating personality really intrigued me and made me like him. A lot. I've always liked smart characters. I realized I liked him right after I was sad about the Galactic Key breaking and Cyrus leaving. One of my most fond memories of gaming is that encounter with Cyrus.

Flash forward a few years, and I've learned about Cyrus's backstory and upbringing. At first, I was like, "Aww, poor guy," but then, I realized, "Hold up, this guy reminds me of myself." He's disturbingly relatable for me, because I was also the asocial child genius with parents putting impossibly high expectations on me. I also had a nihilistic view of the world for some time (I don't have that anymore), and Cyrus does too. So, yeah, I found Cyrus really interesting and relatable.

I never opened up about liking him, because I didn't know what people would say. Do people like Cyrus? Would I be made fun of if I said I liked him? Is it normal to like him? What would my grandma say?

As you can probably tell, I used to be very self-conscious. I did not like being made fun of or being ridiculed because of things I liked. So I kept quiet about liking him for a very long time. I regret that, however.

Because there was something about Cyrus that saved my from dying by my own hands. Cyrus was always fixated on his goals. He never gave up. I was suicidal at the time I played the Sinnoh games. However, Cyrus's persistence, and the fact I looked up to him, saved me from an awful fate. That's why I've decided to open up to everyone about this. I actually opened up about this recently, within this year. That's why I'm writing this, to really show how I feel about Cyrus and what he truly means to me, and what better time to write something like that than at the end of this year.

I hope, that in 2023, I can post even more interesting things about Cyrus, and I hope there is something about him that can help you.

[weanda]

Like a headshot

The Christmas period was a nightmare for me. Terribly stressful. Earlier fights and yelling opened up many childhood and teenage wounds. I remembered memories that I had forgotten for years or decades because my brain had hidden them from me. It erased them and I always hoped they were gone forever. These memories and all the feelings associated with them are like bodies emerging from the pitch black and each tearing a piece out of me. Then the same memory comes to mind again, or another one, and the figures tear out another one and another one. I felt my soul bleed out…

I experienced Christmas as fake, superficial and forced. My birthday is the same, because apart from my family members, not a single friend greeted me. Everyone has forgotten me. Everybody. That's why I didn't even have a birthday, there was no cake, no party, no presents, so I decided that I hadn't even aged a year. I deserve an extra year!

V spent New Years in a ski resort and invited me to join him. But the plane ticket would have been very expensive for me, not to mention the accommodation and skiing (which he offered to pay for, but I couldn't accept it) and I couldn't even take a day off from work, so I couldn't go... and R also invited me to a party and everything was going well until the day before when he canceled it. R gave a rather evasive answer, and it was very disappointing, especially since he thought he was in time so that I could plan something else… So on New Year's Eve, I was alone, drank palinka and went out into the city and watched with strangers and couples as Budapest was flooded with fireworks.

I was so lonely that my chest broke...

I have terrible headaches. Up to dizziness, nausea, uncontrollable breathing and crying. I sweat and my limbs are cold, I often don't feel the temperature, I'm not cold, I'm not hungry or thirsty, there were days when I just lay there and couldn't open my eyes. I have no energy, I can't move around the apartment, but I can't fall asleep. January is slowly coming to an end and I realized that I haven't slept in a month and a half (just 3-5 hours a day, and that's horrific).

Weeks passed like this. My family members tried to talk to me, but they complain a lot about each other (for reasons) and I can't add to that. I feel smaller and smaller. I visited them a week ago because I thought I could stand their company, but I couldn't. I locked myself in the room and couldn't stand to get up, look at them or speak to them. We had a fight that morning when I got home. I mean, I just ran away…

By the end of January, I seem to be pulling myself together. I talk more with my friends, I went skating, V and I wrote more recently and talked about seeing each other this year (he still lives two thousand kilometers away, but it seems he hasn't forgotten about me and that's warm me up), and I finally reconciled with R as well. It is true that sometimes he says things that hurt me, but at the same time I am not well either, and my reactions are also because of my wounded soul, not only because R is so hot & cold with me. It's true both but not fair, but none of us are perfect. And I can (have to) accept it.

But I always remind myself of my goals and how crappy the last month and most of my teenage years have been, and I promise myself that I won't let myself down again.

I've had a shitty month, but now I'm looking to the future. I learn more. I'm working on my motorcycle license, I'm studying to be a photographer (my coworkers support and are happy for me), I go to the library to study aaaand sleep a little haha, my friends and colleagues motivate me in training and running, I'm learning Spanish and soon I'll be taking guitar lessons. I still love playing on the playstation, and I want to finish The Last of Us again! I still go to the animal shelter to walk dogs, but unfortunately it only happens once a month due to studying and my work. I miss the dogs, but I will see them this week :) I tried 1-2 new restaurants and cafes this month, so that if I eat a little, at least it's delicious. But the goal is still to train with a high protein intake, so that's what I'm going to focus on!

This cinnamon and chocolate roll is my new favourite snack while I'm at the library 🤍

[abqbox]

WE'RE NUMBER THREE, WE'RE NUMBER THREE!

Championship week, after a holiday and then week off because I was out of town.

We were in the consolation game, or toilet bowl. Where the third and fourth place teams face off to see who can avoid being last. And/or people just fuck around because it matters even less than usual, which is just about zero to begin with.

And there was a good deal of fucking around and not mattering. Starting with one of our subs being a friend of one of our players who had no business at all playing in our league. They said he hasn't skated in a while and maybe that is true, no one else was good enough to challenge him at all to see if he was rusty or anything. To his credit he did make a point of passing and not dominating the game too much, but still made a significant difference.

He also had two other friends with him. Apparently, they are coaches for the local junior team. They just hung out on the bench watching the game for some reason, which is odd. But even more odd was one of them was a goalie and decided to put his gear all on to watch the game from the bench. He was in the locker room with his stuff before the game, and I wasn't sure why or what was going on, but I just put my stuff on anyway and went and played.

And maybe having a backup goalie helped intimidate the other team, who themselves played with a fill-in goalie. A guy who said he played the position once, twenty years ago, and he feels good to not do it again for the next twenty years.

The resulting score of the game was about as lopsided as you would expect. The surprising thing was that our team actually played a good deal better than usual, I felt. We got a few very easy goals but also some from really good passing and plays that we normally hadn't been creating through the season.

I was also actually surprised how well I played. Starting with stopping a breakaway early, I had some really good saves, a few that even impressed me. And about halfway through the third, we were up 7 or 8 to zero. Then unfortunately we had some issues clearing the puck on a play where I had made a save or two already and their best player happened to have it bounce to him and I knew right where he was going to shoot it over my left shoulder but was already down on my knees and I tried to lift my shoulder up but I'm just not that tall and it went in.

I didn't feel too bad about it though because it was a wonderfully placed shot and overall my game was really very good. And also because there was no doubt at all that we were going to win. In the third they stopped adding the goals to the scoreboard and no one complained. I think it was 9 or 10 to just the 1 against.

It was actually fun and a great way to end the season, which had some frustrating stretches. It was also a new experience as I've never before played an actual game on a team that had another goaltender.

[mirceakitsune]

My thoughts on the election

Considering this is such an important event and ties to personal things, I wanted to share my thoughts on the election like many others have. This isn't going to be some angry rant like in the past, I'm long over making those, just an analysis and my perspective: I'm hoping people understand this, especially on Furaffinity where anything that touches a worldly subject is a risk for me to post even in good faith, I was nervous about writing this but am partly doing it to give a chance to the idea that there's still some ability to communicate and say what's on our minds. I'm not enjoying the pain many around me are going through, some are people I care for who are in a lot of fear and there's not much I can do. I also need to make it clear that no, I don't like nor support Trump, even if I no longer share the horror everyone else has over him: I'm not even from the US, if I was I'd have never voted for either of those two parties and any candidates they produce, if I did vote I'd be voting libertarian every time even if they're perpetually third place. From the start I decided I wouldn't care about the outcome of this election. Since Trump's win was announced last night, I've been watching almost everyone I know fall in a deep depression… something I did too when he first won in 2016, long before a lot of things changed for me.

What I don't understand is how today in 2024 so much hope was put into this one election, a hope people still had. How many thought that if the right person wins, there was still a positive direction for this world to take. That a fight for all that is good was lost just now because this one man won, a fight that still existed and could be won if only this one dude hadn't made it in office. Many don't seem to realize humanity at its core is broken by design and beyond repair right now; Trump, Kamala… I fail to see how these silly figures make any difference when everyone hates everyone else anyway, any ability to communicate and get along has long vanished, and we can all see the system was doomed to fail very soon and very abruptly. If anything it may affect the speed at which it's all happening ever so slightly.

Let me to ask you something: Is Trump the reason why this year I was left without my only income and job I could have, because I refused to DOX myself to Patreon and have my art associated with my name / photo / address / family by complete strangers? Is Trump the reason why I don't feel like creating art any more because I can't safely post what I enjoy doing on this internet even for free? Is Trump the reason why I'm constantly nervous I may be banned from services I still rely on and at least able to watch what others create, over something I don't imagine would offend and may have even said a decade ago and long forgotten? Is Trump the reason why the Xonotic team with whom I spent 15 years working turned on me out of nowhere while we were in the middle of working on code? Is Trump the reason why an artist I follow had to flee France after being arrested for making drawings deemed immoral by the state? Is Trump the reason why if anyone who isn't a commercial animation studio posts an animation containing anthro or dragon characters in some art styles on Youtube, the video is instantly restricted or deleted with their entire channel? Is Trump the reason why I walk on eggshells around the few people I still interact with, because if I say one thing the wrong way I'll be perceived as some maniac and they turn on me next? Is Trump responsible for the world doing its best to ruin my life or the little I ever had of one?

All those things and more happened even without him. Off the top of my head I can't even think of a conservative or Trump supporter that caused me this grief over the years, though I'm sure many would gladly join in given the chance. It was at the hands of those with whom I once thought I had a common goal, who stabbed me (and themselves) in the back just when I believed that maybe I could have a place in this world to some degree and give humanity a chance, who use words like tolerance and acceptance and inclusion almost religiously yet their polar opposites are all I ever got from them. Why then should I worry about Trump and am expected to see him as the root of all evil?! Sure, I don't expect the situation to improve with him of all people, I don't expect anything to improve again with anyone… but it's beyond me how this made anything worse than it would be regardless.

Like I said I'm not happy with what's happening and won't feed off of anyone's suffering, but I definitely feel I'm right to say one thing: The desperation everyone feels over Trump winning is a thing many caused to others whether they realize it or not. They're experiencing what it's like to have the majority of those around you and a world you believed in slap you in the face, tell you that what you need and feel doesn't matter to them, that you need to suck it up and deal with it because others have "real issues" unlike you, that you come second place to what they decided is important. This lesson is one I do think the world at large needed to face. Which isn't to say it will learn from it, oh I strongly doubt that… but many are at least seeing what it's like to be on the receiving end, and it's definitely not pretty.

[ventingoutmyass]

7.19.24

idk. like. sometimes you want to say something because you know time is limited, but you just don't have really anything to say at that moment.

I don't want to leave everyone with nothing. it's hard to connect the person you know with their words from years ago, when they clearly had plenty to say in the last months. but I don't really have much, I suppose.

I guess a goal would be to say as much as possible as time runs out. I know how frustrated I get, trying to read what I'd written when things were at their worst to find nearly nothing.

I guess lately I'm thinking more about what's important, and what I want to be important. the last few months I've been seeing glimpses, real and naturally occuring habits of true friendship and loyalty. why did these skills come so late. why did I have to get them just as time is running out. but I know why. because other than my brother, I have one good friend. not counting distant family or exes that I go months without talking to. one friend, that talks to me literally every day, and has for years. one that's always done everything right and somehow, I began to replicate it. having one friend meant being able to focus on one friend. for years i juggled dozens of people who relied on me as much as this one does, and i wonder how i was ever able to convince myself i could do it. I've had much guilt for this one friend, for being the only one I couldn't push away. I knew the fate that would come. and I've been selfish. and I can't bring myself to regret it anymore. I've forgotten what friendship felt like. she reminds me.

I've worked on my project more, just in silly little micro projects and more character exploration. I suppose a goal would to be to create something cohesive, that could be shared along with this. probably not, but it's a goal.

I've been reading more, both books and fics. keeping lists and reading easy stuff has kept the motivation high. whenever my brain is equipped, I'm usually reading.

video games have been big for me for about a year and a half, since I was gifted my switch. every single waking moment was spent on animal crossing for about eight months. and that's when I still worked at the coffee truck, almost all of my time was freetime. stardew valley a few months ago, I have over a thousand hours logged between the two. don't ask for specifics I will not admit them. and the last week or so has been the pokemon sword game I got for my birthday that I'd forgotten about bc there was stardew valley to play.

trying to be good to others has been a challenge. getting pushed and pulled in different directions for different people has been hard. the emotional labor is unreal. but people deserve it. if I'm able to give it, it's duty. balance is key, balance is struggle, balance haunts every single moment of every single day and man... some days I do cave and just run to the drive thru and mindlessly watch easy to digest YouTube. yesterday was one of those days. I usually have one about once a week. variables that make any given moment difficult never stop. theres always something that's slowing me down. you may call it excuses. I call it living disabled.

the no new friends rule was my effort to die as selflessly as possible. but I seemed to overlook something crucial.

the human experience is selfish. we live and die alone. we are dangerously social creatures fated to isolation in this state of the world. we crave human connection. we may be so far disconnected that we don't know it, but we all do. I'm far from the exception.

once again, I remind you this could've been different. separation from eachother, the lack of community, brought us to this. ignorance and loss of proper communication brought us to this. it could've been better with solidarity. it could've been better if certain people, hundreds to thousands of years ago, hadn't decided to take far far more than they needed. if we lived without poverty and fear and borders and everything that disconnects us, I could've lived. with the social support and patience and accommodations, I could've made it. if life could've been easy. if I hadn't been taught so endlessly from so young how little my efforts count. if I hadn't been berated for every way I exist from so small. this conditioning never would've occurred. I never would have rewired that first time. I could've been an extension of my twelve year old self, before I was so harshly put out.

if the right people listened. if the right people noticed. if the right people stepped up. the right support net could've been everything. I know it because I see it for others. some grow up to craft it themselves. lack of options always stopped me, the roadblocks I possibly could cover always stopped me. more recently the desperate fear of loss stopped me from looking for anything worth keeping.

I suppose I have no option but to seek it.

what's left to lose?

[dopeclot]

Metta Blob

Vipassana ribbon -> spotlight

Got sick of my vipassana sweeping technique. I used to visualize a ribbon of light or energy twisting down and around my limb/torso, or a paintbrush of water painting awareness over my skin and revealing the sensations.

I remembered a feeling to just listen. I really felt sick of forcing effort into my practice. My technique instantly switched to splotches. It felt right. A gentle circle would appear and I felt what was there, without applying the energy to amplify the sensations to be stronger, more electric, or more buzzy. It felt much more gentle - like just listening. Then had such a beautiful metta.

The contraction point of self

I kinda decided that there are sensation clusters I cant vipassinalize - like they’re above my weight class. Ex. My sense of self contraction between my eyes. When projecting focus, it can tend to contract. This can give me instant sensations anywhere I want, but I quickly learned on my retreat to not use this power! It results in exhaustion and headache. I've also been able to loosen this contraction, gently expanding the core point to feel like an airy bubble around my whole head. I also once felt it flow out of my forehead like mist, and for a moment I felt kinda centerless. This experience didn't feel crazy though, it was pretty chill.

But it makes me think this knot is best untied by combing through my body and working on smaller knots first. And it may loosen itself in time.

Lone star universe

I remember on retreat I was sitting with my body all zinged up, and asked for an insight. I visualized the whole universe, and then all the stars dimmed away except 1 in the center. A lone star universe. And that last star was my consciousness point. This was very disturbing and traumatic!! It felt I would never be truly understood in this world ever. I am an isolated mind that woke up to the tragic truth that it is impossible to fully connect with any other being ever.

In the following weeks, I watched a video of the future of the universe. By extrapolating all the science we know, we can trace not only the distant history but also the distant future of the universe. The universe will continue to expand until the gravity of all mater will pull itself all back together. And a majority of the time between the big bang and the great contraction, energy will be extremely dispersed. All stars will have burned out. All heat will be dissipated. Motion will be rare. Entropy will be pervasive. The universe will be a gigantic, cold, lightless void for a period of time unfathomably long.

In the following years, I read or heard a quote that said something like "when everything becomes all the same, it is all one thing."

And in the previous months I connected these dots. The dark lightless void is one large body. Then, in processing the implications of this understanding, I revisited my visual imagination of my lone star universe. I hadn't remembered this experience in quite awhile, and it's cool it zinged right up! I saw all the stars come back. They were twinkling, lighting anew, and disappearing. I focused on my own star, and I realized the goal was to extinguish it. To join the vast sea of formlessness.

To be honest, I don't remember when these visual realizations occurred. It could have been in meditation, in social life, or somehow mix of both. It almost feels like a train of thought that stopped periodically, but was never forgotten, and fluently develops anytime it is receives fuel. Kinda like an electric race car track. When current flows to the motor in the car, it instantly zooms until the current is turned off and it freezes. But when frozen, the position never changes. In this way, the train of thought could have been strobing on and off, receiving pulses of fuel throughout meditation, conversations, watching videos online, working out, etc.

Metta Blob

Really felt my body and the world connected after: My physical sensations were globed in with the undifferentiated space precieved all around me. The walls/floor seem less solid and more suggestive. I really feel the spaces below and above and on the other sides of them, and feel continuity with all the 10,000 things that might be there. I dont actually have xray vision or know whats on the other side of the visual barrier. It's more a feeling like I am friends with a large body of space around me regardless of its material form. Is it gas? Liquid? Solid? Metal? These questions feel irrelevant.

(It feels kinda like sitting in a warm bath, where your edges dissolve and you kinda feel any currents/motion of the water.)

[strangedaystrangeyear]

2024-01-18 — No Gods / No Managers — Choking Victim

When I decided to try and listen to a new album every day, I wasn't just hoping to discover a bunch of new artists. There are a lot of artists with only one or two songs that I know and one of my other goals was to explore some of these artists some more. Choking Victim was one of these artists. 500 Channels is a song I've known for quite a few years now, but I hadn't listened to anything else by them until today. I thought I knew what I was in for. I was wrong. The ska influence took me off guard, in a good way.

I think this was a very strong album. This combination of punk and ska is something I've never heard before and it really kept me on my toes. This is an angry album, a miserable and dark album, but it manages to be incredibly listenable, I thought. I don't tend to listen to incredibly angry and dark music but this felt different. It wasn't a painful listen. I think there were two main things that kept it from being hard to listen to: its incredible audacity and its ever-present genuineness. (Is it genuineness or genuinity?)

I love audacious media. I love watching or listening to something and feeling mocked. There are moments in this album which absolutely go too far and it's clear they know they're going too far and are doing it on purpose. Audacity and levity go hand in hand, I think. Alongside this, though, the album is genuine. Many things that are audacious are audacious for the sake of being audacious. That, I don't like. I don't like cruelty or insensitivity done to be cruel or to be insensitive. Choking Victim said nothing just for the sake of it on this album. Behind everything was genuine intent and belief. I typed a whole bunch of other stuff here but then looked at it and realised, none of what I'm typing really says much more than that. Instead of trying to reword it or say it more concisely, I'm writing this.

Overall, I really liked the band's sound. It didn't take long at all for me to really get into their skacore sound. (Any time ska influence showed up again, that also helped provide some balance to the punk sections.) Crack Rock Steady and Praise The Sinners in particular had sounds I really enjoyed. I think the political samples worked well. They make this inherently political album feel complete, in a way. I think 500 Channels is my favourite song on the album, though that might be because it's the one I'm most familiar with. That song was already in my playlist, but I also added In Hell and War Story. As always, there are some more I'm pretty sure I'll add eventually. I think I'll only need to listen to 5 Finger Discount once more before I add that one.

I feel like I rambled too much on this one but I also feel like I didn't really say all that much. It's an album that you could talk an awful lot about.

[ink-fireplace-coffee]

I don't even watch soccer (football) but my current rubber ducks are all soccer players... okay

I'm thinking I should make you a playlist (consisting of songs I think you'll like, songs I want you to listen to, and songs I feel fit your vibe)

So I've collected 96 new and used books this year and I think it's gonna be my goal next year to read them all. It's entirely doable, I just don't know if it's doable, you know? Like, I could read them in a few months if I just went at it, but that's not really how I read books anymore.

I ordered a bunch of stickers for my coworkers and some of them came already. They look nice!

Right after Christmas, my family is going on a vacation to Israel, Egypt and Petra, which I can't really think about right now because I'm too tired and it'll stress me out, but after that trip I need to stop adorning l spending so much money. It's easy enough to stop, so I just have to.

I'm not gonna give up seaweed snacks though. I love those things.

Bonus picture of pretty lights

🧡💞

Sleepy!!!

I'd be honored to listen to that playlist, but if it's another task to add to what it seem your long list of things to do (with the trip and everything), do not sacrifice your free time for it!!!

Football....has me in misery. Me and my sister both. She's fallen in love with a polish player and now all of our interactions consist on screaming at each other how we need a jersey of our crushes and cursing the time we decided that watching this world cup was a good idea xD

I do understand what you mean about your gol being doable but not. Do think that no matter hoe many books you end up reaching at the end of 2023, it's still a lot of books more you've reached if you hadn't done your personal challenge, and a lot of stories you've gotten to visit

(and if you read something really good, do come in and pass me the rec, I need to keep my status as "that one crazy classmate that reads a ton" in class xD)

My parents did the same trip that you are about to make I think! And they both had a really good time. It was ages ago tho, long before me and my sister B were even born, and, as they like to say "when they had money and time to travel and no kids to take care of". I hope you don't get too stressed about it if you can help it, and if you can't, that you can synthesize that stress maybe talking with some family member?? Also I hope you have a really nice trip and that you enjoy everythin you see!

Are seaweed snacks good? I'm deffo not a picky eater, but I've never tried them and somehow I'm... wary of them for some reason.

As someone whose house is not gonna be decorated this Xmas because of Reasons(tm) your lights make me so happy!! I love how colorful they are!!

Thank you for passing by!!

[wen-kexing-apologist]

I cannot help but be excited for TLoVM. I started watching Critical Role more than halfway through Campaign One. I binged roughly 80 episodes in the month I was home for winter break, because I fell in love with it. I didn't expect how much it would give me.

I've been playing D&D for four years now, and everyone I'm playing with I met through the Critical Role Fan Club page on Facebook. These people are my friends, and we've known each other for four years because of Critical Role. I have my fucking D&D character tattooed on my body because I met some people who all also liked Critical Role.

My sophomore year of undergrad, I went through a fairly traumatizing experience, and as much as I tried to pretend, in the first few months after everything had happened, that I was okay, the truth is I wasn't, and it took me a long time to acknowledge that. My D&D character was what I used to proactively parse through my own emotions. The experiences she had had in her backstory, and the intersection of my own trauma, and my own grief and pain, intersected at the perfect time for me to be able to abstract all of the things I couldn't voice, and couldn't name, and didn't want to be feeling in my own life, into something, someone else. And if I hadn't had Critical Role I would have never had that opportunity.

I remember how a lot of fans reacted to Keyleth, and Marisha especially, I remember that hatred of Marisha was so bad the cast made jokes about it, having a voicemail that gave specific locations for where Marisha hate mail could go. And that has always made me angry because Keyleth is one of the most important characters I have ever had the privilege to observe. I used Kiki as a conduit for the feelings I was having. She was an inspiration/goal for me, someone to look up to, someone to strive to be. Someone who had suffered hardship and was still adamant on doing good for other people. Someone who needed to grow into her confidence.

Before I got to undergrad, I felt pretty confident in myself and my abilities, but that was all obliterated in an instant. College made me feel dumb, made me exhausted, and burnt out, and so unbelievably alone at times. I didn't feel I had the support of a lot of professors, and my perception of the world was that everyone I went to school with was better, smarter, and more talented than I was. I went so quickly, from having faith in myself, to doubting every little thought, every decision that I made. Keyleth started her journey as more timid, and unsure of herself, and to see Kiki grow into a more confident person, a more confident leader; seeing her relationship to Vax unfold. To watch them together, to see how they navigated topics of grief and anger for the lives they could have had, the lives they were going to lose, it was something I desperately needed in order to better understand myself. She got me through a lot, the Voice of the Tempest, and when I finally graduated, I placed the words I Have Passed through Fire on my graduation cap. It's been a minute since then, I'm in graduate school, I love my new university, I am confident in myself and my abilities, I don't often think about the things I needed help to get through anymore, but the admiration, and the appreciation I have doesn't feel like it will fade.

There are plenty of shows that I love, that I dote on, that I obsess over, there are plenty of episodes of things I have watched more times than I can count because I love them and they make me happy. But nothing, nothing, has had a vice grip on me as tight as Campaign One of Critical Role.

I have watched it grow into the company it is now, which is still a little strange and unexpected, but I am so so happy that more people will have the chance to be introduced to the story that has meant so much to me over the last...five-ish years that I have known it. If you decided to read this whole semi-emotional rant, sorry!

To those who have watched everything that CR has ever made, congratulations on finally getting to see some beloved characters on screen, if the internet in the past few days has been any indication, I'm sure you're just as excited at I am.

If you haven't seen Critical Role before and you are just getting to know this world and these characters through The Legend of Vox Machina. WELCOME! We are so excited to have you, and what a wonderful treat it is, to get to experience this story for the very first time.

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Investigations (Part 3): Ran Haitani x Fem!Reader

synopsis: when things are uncovered, can you handle the truth? Or are you doomed to make a mistake you can't rectify?

wc: 2.1k

tw: violence

masterlist

song recommendation:

Ran's past was a lie.

When you met him at the country club five years ago, your pasts had been explained in hushed tones and excited flurries of memories; sharing photos of the time before he was an executive of the communications company he worked in and the time before you were a journalist.

Ran said he had gone to jail twice, both for crimes he had been an accessory to as a delinquent kid, but that he'd cleaned up his act after and made his way up the corporate ladder. Nothing about gangs or being a Heavenly King in Tenjiku made it past his lips.

You had been honest, too. Your tales included the time you'd accidentally happened upon a massive gang fight, and that's how your investigative journalism skills began to bloom.

Who was fighting?

What were they going to do after?

Where did these gangs come from?

When did this argument start?

Why were they fighting?

How did gangs form in the first place?

Those were all the questions you sought out answers for that night and the next five years after, devoting your time and effort to finding the truth about everything.

"Babe?" You freeze, hands hovering over the keys at the sound of Ran's voice. You don't turn around - you can't even look at him the same these days - but he fixes that by walking over to you and turning you around in your chair. "What are you doing up so late?"

"Just doing some writing." His violet eyes search yours for the truth, but you know he won't be able to find it. Not while you're still trying to unravel his past. Ran kisses your eyelids sweetly, cupping your face in his large palms and littering his love across your face as you try your best to remain still and not confess about your research.

"Come to bed. It's late."

"I've got a few more paragraphs," you explain, motioning to the small print on your screen. "I'll be in bed soon."

But your lie is discovered shortly thereafter. It's five a.m. when Ran returns, seeing you slumped against your desk, arms cushioning your head, laptop screen blank. Instinctively, Ran pulls you out of your seat - making your notebook fall to the ground - grunting softly as he scoops you up into his arms and cradles you against his chest.

You willingly allow your husband to carry you to bed, where your two-year-old is also nestled among the sheets and pillows, thumb tucked into his mouth. And for a moment, Ran appreciates the view, seeing the two people he loved the most - besides his younger brother - laying in the bed he paid for, in the house he built, in the city he owns.

But then he remembers the slight disarray you left your things in at the desk and returns, picking up your pencil and notebook before laying them beside the laptop. Then his eyes catch "Ran's past?" written in bold, red letters, along with the words: "Tenjiku" and "Tandai" also written in the web of other words surrounding his name. "South Terano" is also on that web.

He'd have to take care of that in the morning.

And for the first time in a long time, worry bubbles to the surface of his mind, and Ran rips the sheet of paper from your notebook, tossing it into the kitchen trashcan and considering his deed done. He concealed his past to protect his family. And he's concealing the present to achieve the same goal; all for the future to be revealed later. That's how everything should be.

Right? _____________________________________________________________

"Ran," you whisper, lips running across his knuckles. His fingers cup your jaw, and his own lips press against your forehead, violet eyes darkening slightly. "It's six am. Where are you going this early?"

"I have to go into the office for a little while," he murmurs, kissing your forehead again. "I'll be back around lunchtime." Thoughts of Tandai and Tenjiku flash into your mind for a moment, but you smile at him sleepily anyway, absolutely sure these things are part of his past and not in the present.

"We'll be waiting for you, my love."

Despite all of your best intentions, though, you can't help but be consumed by the idea of Ran out, fighting, stealing, maiming... You consider asking him about these things, these concerns, but you decide against it as you're helping Kai with his lunch. If he wanted to leave it in the past, there's a good reason for it. He would have told you if it would be a problem later. Right?

Ran wouldn't jeopardize your family, your home, your life for something so... juvenile.

Right?

The clatter of keys on the counter in the living room brings you back to the present, and you perk up, your two-year-old mimicking your expression.

"Daddy!" Kai slides down from his seat and runs to greet Ran, clutching his father's legs with all his little might.

"Hey, buddy," Ran laughs, stooping to pick up his son with excitement. "How are you doing?" As son and father have a very stimulating conversation about playtime, you watch them in wonder, observing the way Ran makes his child a priority, just like he makes you a priority. But your countenance falls as soon as you see the blood spot on the bottom of Ran's lavender suit jacket. You know its blood because of the way it dried - that's no ketchup stain.

You fake a smile anyway, giving Ran a kiss on the cheek and tugging his jacket off after he sits Kai back on the tile floor.

"Hard day?"

"Kind of," Ran mumbles, and you catch the sight of a long scratch down the side of his neck. "But I made it through." You hum, taking the pin-striped jacket to the laundry room and slinging it over the side of the washer. You'd need that later.

"Need to relax?" you wonder, and Ran grins at you mischievously.

"Maybe later, after bedtime?"

_____________________________________________________________

But "later" never came.

Instead, Ran and Kai fell asleep on the sofa, watching a kid's movie, and you retreated to the office, powering up your laptop and pulling your notebook closer.

You immediately notice something's wrong, as the notes you had before were missing. Everything is gone. Not even a word of all the research you had done was there. Hadn't you written meticulous notes and names and things about Ran's past that could be interconnected? You break out in a sweat and search in every drawer of the desk, every place it could possibly be. You come up with nothing, and let out a frustrated sigh before slumping down in your seat and pulling up the computer history from yesterday. If you had to rewrite every single thing, that's fine. You'd just need more time to gather your evidence for the meeting on Saturday.

You're knee-deep in articles and police reports when you stumble across a more recent - actually as recent as this morning - article titled: "Ex-gangster found dead in meat factory". The picture of South Terano startles you, and you click on it, feeling a sense of dread as the article details how he was found hanging upside-down in the warehouse with a bullet hole in his head. And just like that, your newest lead has fizzled out. You groan, writing down "South Terano, deceased" on your notepad, then exiting the tab.

There had to be someone else you could ask. Shuji Hanma only provided you with Ran and Rindou's names, no one else.

"What's this?"

The door to the office shuts softly, and you look over your shoulder at Ran, who is walking toward you with measured steps, his eyes taking in your exhausted expression and the way you're hunched over that notepad. Again.

"What are you doing? You look tired, babe. Let's go to bed, yeah?"

Suddenly, pieces begin to click as Ran leans his hip against the desk, staring down at you in the chair with squinted violet eyes. "You threw away my notes... Didn't you?"

"What are you doing in my business, y/n?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were in two gangs?" you counter, fingers shaking slightly. "Ran, this is something I needed to know before--"

"You wouldn't have married me if I told you." Ran's tone is cold, almost as if he's turned into the past version of himself without batting an eye.

"You don't know that." Ran leans forward, coming to eye level with you a smirking.

"I know you. And that's all I need." Ran reaches out a hand to close the laptop, still smiling and maintaining eye contact. "Now here's what you're going to do. First, you're going to stop digging into my past. There's nothing there that you need to find. Second, you're going to come to bed. It's late, you're tired. Finally," Ran cups your chin like he did this morning, except his fingers aren't so tender this time. "You're going to cut off contact with both Shuji Hanma and Taiju Shiba. I'm not really fond of either of them, and I'm not a fan of having them tell my business to my wife."

"They were only doing it because I asked."

"Taiju, maybe. Shuji isn't so eager to fuck you. I doubt he did it out of the kindness of his heart." You can't say anything to refute his claims. Ran is probably right. But you can't get one question out of your mind.

"Why are you trying to hide your past? What's there that I won't like?"

"What isn't there is the real question."

"What can you tell me about the gang that's just surfaced in Tokyo?" Ran's face slackens, transforming into a half-surprised, half-blank look that you realize is one that means he's been caught. "Oh, my fucking god," you breathe, tears stinging your eyes. "South, the fish, the murders, the crime... It's you. It's been you this whole time. I've been chasing my own husband down." Panic begins to set in, and your mind whirls around as you shake in your seat, bringing your hands up to your head. "Just tell me Rindou isn't in this," you breathe, but Ran doesn't answer you, still wearing that dumb look on his face. You let out a cry of shock, covering your mouth and trying to back away from Ran as much as you can.

The source is a lot closer than you think.

You slide down the wall, shocked into stillness as your sobs quiet, and Ran straightens up, placing his hands in his sweatpant pockets. The long nights, the early mornings, the bloodstains, the damn suits... It all led to this. Ran had never really left his old lifestyle behind. He'd gotten caught up in it, and brought you and Kai into it unknowingly.

"I never meant for it to get this... unhinged." You can't reply, tucking your knees into your chest as you stare past Ran and at the opposite wall, wondering how you'd missed the signs, the obvious signs that Ran was up to no good. "I know this is a lot to take in, but we can--"

"I can't stay here."

The words fall from your mouth and Ran flinches, shaking his head.

"No. You can't leave."

"Yes, I can," you mumble, standing and wiping your tears. "I can do whatever I need to do to keep Kai safe, and--"

"Kai is safer here than out there," Ran snaps, pointing at the window. "I'm not letting my son out of my sight. Your snooping has caused enough trouble as it is; I wouldn't have had to go and clean up this morning if you hadn't--"

"Don't blame this on me," you retort, pointing at Ran accusatorially. "You're the one who joined a gang and is still in one! What kind of role model are you for our son now?"

"I provide the best way I can," Ran grits out, clenching his fists. "You've never gone hungry, cold, or ill-clothed a day in your life while you were with me."

"I would rather die than enjoy a life paid for with blood money."

"Blood money? You really think--" You try to push past Ran, but he grabs your shoulders, yanking you back in front of him. "You're not going anywhere except to our bed."

"Let me go, Ran Haitani," you mutter, hands balling up into little fists. "Or I'll scream."

"Who will hear you? Kai?"

How had you been so foolish? Ran's lips press together momentarily as his violet eyes run over your figure, taking stock of all your five-foot-six stature. You're no match for Ran. Not mentally, and certainly not physically. Ran notices your defeat and his hands slide down to your wrists, tugging your delicate hands up to his chest.

"Everything will be fine," he whispers, drawing you close. "I'm taking care of us. Just trust me."

Just trust me.