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ibetonlosinghuskies · 4 months ago

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patience and pleasure pt 6

summary: as paige packs to move to uconn, she starts to doubt herself. grasping for a sense of security, she goes to the one person she knows can make her feel better. azzi.

disclaimer: as always everything i write is fictional!

warnings: fluff, angst, emotional distress, mild anxiety mention.

word count: 4.6k +

author's note: ik this probably isn't what you were expecting lol, very sorry. i will be giving yall what you want very soon.

~flashback to july 2020~

paige's pov:

i can't believe i'm doing this.

playing at uconn has been my dream since i was a kid, but now that it's finally happening i feel paralyzed. packing my stuff made things feel final.

i'm really leaving minnesota. everything i know is here.

who's going to build legos with drew? who's going to make my parents coffee in the morning?

my hands shake as i fold another shirt, memories flooding my mind. friday night games, late-night drives with the team, sunday morning cartoons with drew.

what if i'm not ready? what if i can't handle the pressure?

i'd been doing a good job keeping all this to myself. putting on my best smile for every interview, every photoshoot. i had a good enough support system too, my family, friends, fans. but behind every "congratulation", i felt their expectation. a standard of perfection only a prodigy could fulfill.

what if i let everyone down?

i can't let them see me crack.

it's not like i'm not grateful for the opportunity. this is all i've worked towards for years. it just hurts to leave everything behind, especially for a future i had no control over. i felt safe here, in this moment, i'm full of potential.

the weight of my potential weighs heavily on my shoulders, keeping me up at night.

i sink to the floor, surrounded by half-packed boxes. part of me wants to unpack it all, to pretend that time isn't moving forward.

my eyes snap up when i hear a knock at my bedroom door.

"hey kiddo," my dad says warmly, leaning against the door frame.

"hey," i reply weakly, putting on a smile. i feel his eyes scan my face, his expression warming with sympathy.

he knows my smile is fake.

"already packing? you don't leave for another week, it shouldn't take you that l—" he stops mid-sentence looking at my closet. "but with that shoe collection maybe you should've started a month ago," he teases, trying to make me smile.

"i just want to be ready," i say, sounding more insecure than i expected.

"it's okay to be scared, you know?" he starts, his voice gentle. "i know this is a big change."

"i just don't wanna disappoint anyone," i stand, continuing to pack my stuff, eyes glued to the floor.

"you could never disappoint us," he assures me. "we're all so proud of you, no matter what."

a mix of gratitude and homesickness rushes over me. i crumble over his words, a few tears escaping my eyes. walking slowly, he grabs me in his arms. we stand there for a moment, the heaviness of change lingering in the air.

"you know," he says suddenly, "i think azzi's still in town at her grandparents. why don't you give her a call?"

he's right, i usually visit her around this time of year. the thought of azzi brings a small smile to my face. memories of our summers spent together fill my mind—trips to the fair, month long sleepovers, sleeping in her clothes.

"not everything has to change, paige," his voice knowing, eyes gauging my reaction.

if anyone could understand what i'm going through, i'd be her.

"yeah, i'll give her a call," i nod, trying to shake my heartache.

"good," he says, walking to my door. "don't forget to leave some of your shoes behind. we don't need the whole state of minnesota wondering why there's a shortage."

i roll my eyes, laughing. "i'll think about it."

he gives me one last warm smile before closing my door. i take a deep breath, reaching for my phone.

azzi's pov:

i'm sprawled across my bed, scrolling through my phone when it starts buzzing. paige's name lights up the screen, and i can't help but smile.

"hey p," i answer, my smile showing in my voice.

"hey az," she replies, and immediately i know something's off. her voice is quieter than usual, lacking its usual charm.

"you okay?" i ask, sitting up straighter.

there's a pause, i can almost feel her forcing a smile through the phone. "yeah, i'm good. just...packing."

packing. right. she's leaving soon.

i'm hit with a wave of anticipatory grief. i've been trying to avoid thinking about what it's gonna be like when she leaves. we'd fallen into such an easy routine. she's spent countless summers at my grandparent's house, becoming part of my family.

"how's that going?" i ask, trying to sound hopeful.

"it's...going," she laughs gently. "it's just a lot, you know?"

i do know. the spotlight she's received these past couple years has been intense, but paige made everything she did look effortless. her confidence carried off the court, giving her a new charisma.

she was so easy to love.

"yeah...it's a big change," my voice matching her quiet tone.

there's another pause, the soft hum of the phone. i listen for her breath, a sigh, some background noice. but nothing. i feel her worry through the phone.

"can i come over—"

"you should come ov—"

we say at the same time. "i'll pick you up tomorrow morning," i smile at the thought of finally getting to see her.

i hear her take a steadying breath, "okay," her voice sounding a bit lighter.

my mind starts to wander. what if i don't see her again for years after this? all this time, and i never thought i'd have to confront my feelings for her.

"hey, i'll call you later, okay?" i'm sad to end our call, but i didn't have time to waste.

"uh yeah," she says, sounding a bit disappointed. "talk to you later."

i hang up the phone, my mind racing, filled with all of her favorite things. that minnesota lynx jersey she loves, her favorite snacks, the lego sets she builds with drew.

i can't let her leave without knowing how much of me she's taking with her.

i start in my closet, sifting through my clothes. my fingers brush against the fabric of my favorite hoodie—the one paige always steals when she's here.

i pull the hoodie closer to my chest, hoping that, for a moment, i could capture the warmth of her hug. a mixture of my perfume and her shampoo. i swear no matter how many times i wash the damn thing, it always carries a piece of her. like the intricate stitching holding the fabric, our bond sewn into the core of who we are.

i run my fingers along the seams—strong, resilient, trustworthy. i guess some things are too deep to be washed away. maybe it'll remind her that no matter how far she goes, a part of us will always be intertwined.

she should have this. it's practically hers anyway.

next, i move to my bookshelf, scanning the titles. my eyes land on one of my favorite john green books, looking for alaska. every once in a while she'd ask me to read it to her so she could fall asleep. paige always claimed my books were boring, but sometimes i'd catch her leaning in, eyes wide and attentive, consumed in the story. maybe she'd finally get around to reading it herself.

lastly, i grab some scissors off my desk and head for my front porch. the old basketball hoop stands sentinel, a silent witness to countless hours of our shared passion. i run my fingers along the worn metal, remembering all the times we'd scrimmage until the streetlights flickered on. our laughter and trash talk echoing through the quiet neighborhood.

i tilt the hoop towards me cutting off a piece of the net. the frayed edges feel like memories slipping through my fingers.

she was my champion first.

before the world knew 'paige bueckers', i knew paige. the slight competitive spark she'd get in her eyes before every shot. her confident sway as she played, turning my front porch into an arena.

everyone is finally gonna see in her what i've known for years.

back in my room, i surveyed my collection. each item, a different memory. i reach under my bed, adding the final touch to my gift—an old lego set paige and i bought together a long time ago. i put off building it with her, claiming we should save it for a special night.

there is nothing more special than tomorrow night.

i want everything to be perfect. i find myself frantically cleaning the house at 2 am, as if paige hasn't visited countless times. i organize my bookshelf, fold clothes, anything to keep my hands busy and my mind from wandering to her.

my exhaustion finally takes over and i lay sprawled across my bed. i try to sleep but she's all i dream about.

except these aren't the usual dreams.

a sequence of different visions flash through my mind, in each of them i'm losing her. we're on a basketball court, but something's off. paige is wearing a uconn jersey, looking different in a way i can't quite place. older, more independent. i'm still in my high school uniform. we're on opposite sides of the court, the air between us heavy. i call out to her but no sound comes out.

i want to tell her something. but my throat tightens, restricting like it's trying to hold her too.

i wake up before the sun, in a cold sweat. it felt so real, almost predestined. a heavy ache in my chest lingers, still unable to articulate what i need to tell her. the thought of my nightmares becoming real ignites a motivation in me to figure it out. fast.

i close my eyes again, hoping for dreamless sleep this time.

tomorrow, i'll find the words. i'll make sure i do.

paige's pov:

the sun peaks through my blinds, waking me up earlier than usual. awaking to the sight of half-packed boxes leaves me disoriented. but my heart flutters when i check my phone to find seven unread text from azzi.

i'm gonna miss stuff like this the most.

glancing at the time, i start to pack a bag to stay the night. she technically didn't say i was sleeping over, but i know us well enough to know that i will.

i start throwing things into my bag—my favorite hoodie, some shorts, and a pillow. then i pause, remembering the last time we hung out at her grandparents' place.

everything i needed was already there.

i empty half the bag, smiling to myself. the hoodie she'd always let me wear, my toothbrush, that book azzi's always bugging me to read, even my favorite pillow. they're all still at her place.

i'm reaching for my phone to tell her i'm ready when i hear my doorbell. smoothing out my hair, i nearly trip down the stairs running to answer the door.

i take a quick breath. even after all this time, i still want to look good for her. the moment i open the front door i'm met with azzi's smile, carrying two coffees in her hands.

everything i need is right here.

"i'm surprised you're not still in your pajamas," she smiles, handing me a coffee.

"what? no, of course not. i've been up for hours," i lie, letting her roll her eyes at my comment.

"mhm," she turns walking to her car.

i glance at her while she walks, her attitude showing in her posture. within just a few seconds, i already feel lighter.

the drive there is both long and short. as we pull up to her grandparents' house, i feel a wave of nostalgia. how many summers have i spent here? how much of me will i be leaving behind?

azzi's grandma is already at the door as we get out of the car. "paigey!," she calls out, her voice warm and welcoming. "how's our little superstar?"

"hi grandma fudd," i mumble, as she pulls me into a hug. i feel like a kid again in her arms.

"look at you," she says, holding me at arm's length. "more beautiful every time i see you."

i blush bashfully at her compliments. "hey, what about me?" azzi pouts from behind us.

"oh hush, you too," she pulls azzi into a deep hug. "i'm glad you finally came, paige. i was worried you weren't gonna make it this year. azzi here hasn't stopped talking about you since your last visit."

i shoot azzi a look, raising my eyebrows at her. she blushes, looking away.

once inside, memories pass me by like a warm summer breeze. the creaky third step on the stairs, the faded marks on the doorframe where azzi and i measured our heights every summer. old family photos lining the hallway, many of which include me.

azzi leads me up to her room, her hand gently tugging at mine excitedly. i let her lead like it was my first time in this house.

as we enter her room, i can't help but notice how clean it looks. her bookshelf organized by size and color, desk clear and neat. i almost miss the messiness of it all, the way her personality leaked all over her bedroom walls.

had she cleaned everything for me?

i scan her bedroom walls, all of which are covered in photos of us. photos from practice, summer trips to the lake, championship games.

her bedroom a museum of us, a bold testament to our bond.

"you kept all of these?" i asked softly, touching the corner of a photo from years ago.

azzi shrugs, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. "of course," she clears her throat nervously. "only because i look so good in them," she laughs failing to hide her affection.

i turn to her, ready to tease her about being sentimental, but the words die on my lips. she's holding something behind her, smiling with her eyes.

she takes a deep breath, bringing her hands forward slowly. in them is a carefully wrapped package, similar to the half-packed boxes littering my floor at home.

"i, uh, got you this. well, more like...put together." she hands me the box.

my fingertips brush against hers, heart racing as i look up into her eyes. "az, you didn't have to—"

"just open it, p," she interrupts, her voice soft and eager.

i unwrap the box, finally catching sight of its contents. it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room, it's all too much for me. her favorite hoodie, a worn copy of looking for alaska, a piece of frayed net from the hoop on her porch. and...is that the lego set we bought a long time ago?

all pieces of us, delicately put together in a small brown box.

"az..." i whisper, blinking away tears.

"i wanted you to have a piece of home to take with you," she explains, her eyes seeking my reaction. "so you didn't forget me—us."

i look up at her, my vision blurring the edges around her face. a warmth in my heart builds, surrounded by fragments of us. the finality of it all finally hit me.

how can we pack all of us into a box? years spent together, inseparable for the longest time, just to be neatly packaged in a cardboard box.

there's still so much i want to take with me. how do you package the sound of azzi's laugh? the feeling of her hand in mine? how do i fold up the comfort of her presence and tuck it neatly into a suitcase?

our friendship is a living, breathing thing. packing it away feels inhumane. she will never be a cardboard box i push into the back of my closet, the back of my mind. azzi's warmth pulses underneath my skin. she's the movement that pushes the blood through my body.

i realize something now. home isn't minnesota. it isn't my house or even this one.

home is azzi. and i'm about to leave it behind.

the weight of this box, however light in pounds, pulls me to the floor. my knees buckling underneath me, unable to form a coherent sentence. i'm drowning in a sea of emotions, waves of nostalgia and fear crashing over me. i cry, clinging to the box, like a life vest. my breath comes in short gasps, like i'm barely keeping my head above water.

i hear her call my name, but i can't respond. her voice feels far, muffled by my own emotion. i want to reach out, to tell her i'm okay, but my body won't cooperate.

azzi's hoodie wraps around me like a buoy, keeping me from sinking into the depths of my fears. the book, a raft of memories. the piece of net becomes a rope, pulling me to the shore of home—to her.

i can feel her worry radiate off her in waves, matching the momentum of my fear.

azzi's my anchor, solid and hopeful, grounding me in this storm. her hands cup my face, holding me like water, wiping away the flood.

her touch is gentle, safe. i lean into it instinctively, she always knows how to bring me back to myself.

looking up, i meet azzi's gaze. her eyes are a mirror of my own—a mix of worry, empathy, and something deeper. something that's been left unspoken between the two of us for a long time.

i feel her eyes search my face, a warmth that cuts through the chill of my tears.

azzi's looking at me like i'm her anchor too like she's just as terrified of drifting apart.

"paige, look at me," she says softly, also crying, wiping away my tears before her own.

i force myself to focus on her face. the wetness of her eyelashes, the trembling of her breath, her flushed cheeks—anything to slow my thoughts.

she sits on her knees, catching my tears in her palms. "you're not losing me, okay?" her voice reassuring, but also breaking between her tears.

"okay," i mumble sniffling. before i can thank her or apologize, she pulls my forehead to her lips. they tremble softly against my skin, her sadness showing but insistent on soothing me first.

azzi pulls my head into her chest, stroking my hair gently. i wrap my arms around her waist firmly, thinking that maybe if i hold her tightly enough, i can keep her here—in this moment, forever.

my tears begin to settle as i focus on her heartbeat, trying to memorize it. each beat a resilient promise, a faint whisper of trust, something to hold on to.

we stay there for a moment before azzi pulls back, staring at me with such a tenderness it almost sets me off again.

my eyes fall on the lego set peeking out of the box, and i can't let but let out a shaky laugh. "you're finally letting me build this," i smile, "it only took me almost moving away, huh?"

azzi's face breaks into a small grin, relief showing in her eyes. "like i'd trust you to build it on your own. someone's gotta make sure you read the instructions."

"hey!" i gasp in mock offense. "instructions are for people who don't know what they're doing, i'm a professional lego architect."

"oh we'll see about that," she jabs, opening the box.

azzi's pov:

as we build the lego set together, i can't help but steal glances at paige. i read the instructions to her but she's definitely not listening. already working at the pieces, her focus is unbreakable. her tongue pokes out slightly as she concentrates. it's so quintessentially her, it makes my heart ache.

the day passes by in a blur of laughter and shared memories. it isn't until i notice how dark my room has gotten that i realize we've spent hours on my bedroom floor.

"see, i don't need instructions," paige says, proudly showing off the part she's assembled.

"yeah, whatever," i laugh, admiring her confidence.

we're interrupted by a soft knock at my door, the scent of fresh-baked cookies wafts from behind the door. i open the door to my grandma, always the perfect host, holding a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

she smiles warmly, "i thought you two might want a cookie break."

paige lunges up from the floor almost pushing me over, reaching for the plate. "you're gonna have to send some of these to connecticut," she says, between mouthfuls.

she laughs at her comment, "i wanted to give you this also," in her other hand she hands me an old film camera. "maybe you can capture something special," she smiles before closing the door.

"your grandma makes the best cookies," paige's voice muffled under the sound of her chewing.

before she can react, i snap a photo of her. the camera clicking in a way that makes me giggle.

"hey, i wasn't ready!" she snatches the camera out of my hands. "you're always the model anyways," she says, snapping a photo of me.

i give her a fake smile, still reaching for the camera. "happy now? give it back," i laugh, chasing her around my room.

"not until you give me a real smile," she holds the camera above her head.

"that's not gonna work, we're the same height, stupid," i reach for the camera nearly knocking it out of her hands.

"one picture, with a smile," she takes the camera up to her eye to look through the viewfinder.

i give her another impatient smile. she kneels down dramatically, shifting back and forth while snapping photos.

"okay, my turn," i reach for the camera again.

"these aren't real smiles," she pokes my side, making me giggle. "see there it is, hold still."

i drop my smile and pout dramatically. paige moves the camera away from her face and lunges towards me, jabbing at my sides. "stop, paige," i giggle, swatting at her hands.

she dodges me, her fingers continue relentlessly. i push her onto my bed, using my body weight to keep her still. we fight for a moment squirming around my mattress before i pin both of her wrists down. satisfied, i grin down at her. our laughter comes to a soft stop and we're both breathless.

"see, was that so hard?" paige tilts her head to the side, still out of breath. she attempts to reach her hands up again but i tighten my grip.

"oh, whatever," i roll my eyes, leaning closer to her, my hair draping over her face.

"can i tell you something?" she starts, her voice sounding a bit more serious.

"hm?" i respond, still satisfied i could hold her still.

paige hesitates for a moment, her eyes searching mine. "i've never actually had my first kiss," her cheeks flushing a light pink. "i thought i would've by now, before college, you know?"

i loosen my grip on her wrist, "oh, i had no idea. i figured plenty of guys would be lining up to kiss the paige bueckers," i tease.

"i guess," she looks away bashfully, "i just want it to be with someone special. someone i care about," her voice lowering to a whisper.

there's a silence that hangs between us. i feel my heart pounding in my chest. "like who?" i ask quietly.

i need to hear her say it.

her eyes flicker to my lips briefly before meeting my eyes again. "like...you," she says nervously, almost asking it like a question.

was she saying what i think she was?

"really?" i lean closer to her, my eyes wide and hopeful.

she lets out a nervous breath, her eyes intently locked on my lips. "yeah," she whispers, blinking quickly.

before i can overthink it, she leans in, closing the gap between us. her lips meet mine softly, and my hands reach for her face. i feel a nervous tremble in her lips, soft and warm. the pure flavor of her lips, tasting like vanilla and chocolate. her hands move to my waist, her thumb swaying slightly. we move slowly, gently, not wanting to rush this moment.

our kiss is tender like a warm summer night. her lips move sweetly and determined like she's thought of this before. her hands stroking softly saying "i've wanted this. wanted you."

when she pulls back i feel a new kind of emptiness. how am i going to live with the absence of her touch? she's opened a crack in my heart, long enough for the light to come in.

kissing paige was like sunlight embodied.

we stare at each other for a moment. caught in this new in-between.

what do you say after you kiss your best friend? how do you tell her it was your first kiss too?

"i'm glad it was you," she smiles, sitting up.

"yeah, me too," i murmur, my voice full of emotion. i lean to the side, still dazed from her touch.

"it's getting late, we should probably—" she starts.

"yeah...um," i respond uneasily, standing up to walk over to my closet. i grab one of my old t-shirts and a pair of shorts. "you can wear these to sleep in."

paige takes the clothes from me, her fingers brushing against mine. when we touch this time, it feels different, heavier. she heads to the bathroom to change, and i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding in.

even being just a room over, it feels like she's slipping through my fingers. i'm reminded of my nightmares from last night, paralyzed by the thought of losing her.

i need to tell her.

i grab a piece of paper and pen off my desk, my hands quivering slightly as i start to write.

the first part of the letter flows easily. but as i continue, i feel a shift. the truth hanging in the space between my pen and the paper.

she deserves the truth. and i owe it to myself, to finally tell her.

my heart races, searching for the right words as i continue...

i reread the letter, feeling vulnerable under my own words.

what if this ruins everything? what if she doesn't feel the same way?

i glance at my bedroom door, knowing paige could return at any moment. the panic sets in and i make a split-second decision. my hands shake as i tear the paper in half.

the first part, full of friendship and encouragement. it's a bit more sentimental than usual but not enough to make her suspect anything. i fold it neatly, placing it atop the other objects in the box. it's safe, expected.

the second part, my true feelings for her. i can't bring myself to throw it away, but i'm not ready for her to read it either. i tuck the small slip into the final pages of the last chapter of the book i'm giving her.

maybe one day i'll find the courage to tell her. maybe someday she'll finish the book and know how i really feel. but for now, this feels safe.

i don't know if i'm hoping she finds it or not.

as i hear the bathroom door open, i quickly close the book, sealing my fate. my heart pounds with the weight of my unspoken words.

my thoughts cease when i see her in my clothes. she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, looking unabashedly herself. for a moment, i see our future. imagining our closets becoming one, holding her as she falls asleep, an endless sleepover.

how am i supposed to let her go?

she catches me staring and smiles softly, a knowing glint in her eyes that makes my heart ache. without speaking, we settle into our usual routine. i let her sleep on my favorite side of the bed, she shifts around, trying to get comfortable. eventually, she turns on her side, her back facing me.

right before i drift off to sleep, i hear her call out to me. "azzi," she whispers softly into the dark.

"hm?" i answer, struggling to keep my eyes open.

"can you hold me?"

her voice gentle and vulnerable, as if i could hold every piece of her together. "of course," i wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her in closer. she sinks into my touch, her breath slows.

she drifts to sleep quickly in my arms, our heartbeats syncing. the weight of our unspoken words between us, laying heavily on my chest, pushing me towards a deep sleep.

i dream of never having to let her go.

#Spotify #pazzi #pazzi fic #pazzi fics #paige bueckers #azzi fudd #i bet on losing huskies

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g-xix · 1 year ago

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Pregnant | Harry Lewis

Hey girlies, here's a Harry oneshot for the W2S girls, requested by someone on Wattpad... Ik Whoetoshaw has alr done way longer + more in depth sort of oneshot for this so creds to her ofc. Here's a cute pic of Harry to prepare you tho:

Very fitting!!! Anyways: Content: Pregnancy scare, female hormones, 2k wordcout CW's: Pregnancy scares + mentions of abortion

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The two bright red lines glared up at me angrily.

I couldn't believe it.

Slapping a hand to my mouth, I felt as though the life around me were distorting, those bright two lines indicating the new life forming in my stomach.

"Y/n? You all alright in there?" Georgia's voice called from outside the bathroom. I felt my hands shaking, I couldn't comprehend it was really true. Tears began burning in the corners of my eyes, distorting the dizzying LED's around me. There was commotion around me- a door slammed open, a familiar face with a look of horror as they looked at me- lay across the bathroom floor- I couldn't tell you what happened in the space of ten minutes, but before I knew it I was sat opposite Georgia in the kitchen- steaming mug of tea in my hands.

She looked at me sombrely, a hot mug in her hands as well.

"So, when are you gonna tell him?" She questioned, raising her mug for a sip.

"Who?"

"Harry."

Oh God. I had to tell Harry. Boyfriend of five years, best friend, considerable soulmate.

And somehow the thought of telling him still made me pale inside.

We'd never talked about babies before... Pregnancy or even babysat for a friend! And having a baby meant a lot of responsibility we hadn't considered. We both had far too much on our plates. I had a nine-to-five, he had all of his YouTube biz, and we barely even had time or thought for holidays together, anymore.

"Soon." I gulped, palely.

...

"We're going out for drinks tonight- Mia and Faith coming along as well, you wanna come?" Harry mentioned casually,

"Oh, yeah sure I-" I choked on my breath as I remembered, coughing and burning my lungs as I hacked up a bit of inhaled saliva. Harry's hand found my back, slapping it as though he were trying to hit the cough out of me. "O-on other notes, I think I'll pass."

"You're not one to pass on meeting up with the girls, you got a bit extra work?" Harry questioned, face showing concern as he tried to read my expression.

I turned my back to him, facing the fridge to avoid eye contact as I responded dejectly.

"Yeah." I spoke shortly. I could feel the burning in my lungs slowly sinking in my stomach and sitting like a volcano getting ready to erupt. Every morning, throwing up had been getting worse and worse. It felt as though no matter what I ate (or didn't eat) for dinner, every morning the sickness hit with the same knee-weakening magnitude. I was sure Harry was asleep most mornings when I threw my body over the toilet bowl, given I woke at 3am with the sickening urges.

And I didn't want him to see me throw up all over the kitchen after missing out on an opportunity to see Faith and Mia again.

"You want me to stay? I don't mind staying in tonight if you wanna spend some time-"

"God's sake, shut up Harry." I snapped "Just go without me- I've never stopped you before, have I."

An uncomfortable silence settled between us, tension in the room thick enough to cut with a knife.

I didn't mean to shout at him- I don't know why I snapped.

"S-sorry." He softly spoke, voice filled with downcasted sadness. His voice only made my heart ache more, and I turned to try and meet his eyes- babble an apology- but as I turned to try and meet his soothing blue eyes, I was instead met with the door closing behind me.

The pull on my heartstrings making the tears well in my eyes was clearly too close to the stomach- as I felt my inside swirling, bile building in my oesophagus.

Before I knew it I was back at the toilet bowl, hands clasped around the lid with my knuckles going white as I had whole body shakes. My eyes squeezed shut, throat burning as I coughed up residual acid that lingered in my throat, spitting out all that amalgamated, nauseating fluid in my mouth.

And then after the coughs, it all began dawning on me again.

No more going out for drinks.

No more spontaneous planning.

No more irresponsibility.

Those coughs began developing into dry heaves, tears trickling down my cheeks as my breathing became erratic, broken cries and raw sounds coming from a throat I couldn't even believe was my own.

My body shook with each cry- weak and unstable- and only trembling more as I realised I wasn't just shaking myself. That tiny life form- a consequence of my carelessness- shook with me with each choked sob.

A vibration from my pocket was pulled out with quivering fingers, spotting Georgia's name.

I swiped on on the accept button, lips sealing together as I tried to zone into Georgia's voice.

"Hey girl, you doing alright?"

"M-maybe... Why, has s-something happened?"

"Not really, just wanted to know- have you told Harry yet or are you still-"

I felt that anger building inside me again. It wasn't her fucking problem- easy for her to pressure me- try and advise me and tell me I ought to tell him despite having zero fucking knowledge on what it feels like-

"GEORGIA, FUCK OFF I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT-" I threw the phone out of the bathroom door, hearing it hit one of the bedroom walls. "FUCK. OfF..."

My voice breaking was the last straw before I began losing it hysterically once more. My throat burnt as more acid crept up my oesophagus and found its way into the toilet, tears streaming down my face like a river now- chest rapidly rising and falling as I clutched at my head- everything making me light hearted.

The lights went off after that.

Pulling the pulley down, the lights went off. I didn't want to be seen. I want to see the reflection of a broken woman who I knew was myself. I cried in the dark instead of facing myself and what had happened.

Until I lay back flat against the cool tiles. I had gone through the motions. Dramatic sobs until there was no more liquid and I could only dry heave- to now- simply staring up at the ceiling, eyes tired and breathing steady with the exception of an occasional erratic choke.

It could have been just a few minutes, or a few hours that I just lay there.

Head empty, stomach empty, body feeling completely light. As though I weren't even alive.

I felt like shit.

I shouldn't have snapped at Harry.

I shouldn't have shouted at Georgia.

I shouldn't have thrown my phone.

I'll tell him when he comes back, Georgia, I spoke internally. Promise. For you.

My mind flicked through the variety of ways he could respond to hearing it. Eventually I filtered it down to a few.

Best case scenario: He's too drunk to understand it and just falls asleep, unable to comprehend what I'd said.

Worst case scenario: He completely sobers up and tells me to leave. Get out, blocks me on everything, does everything in his power to never see me again.

Of course, there were also a few alternatives:

Maybe he would start packing and get ready to spend the night at a friend's to sober up- not believing what he'd heard.

It was a possibility he might pass out from the news.

Or he could agree to support me, but only if I agree to abort it- him- her- whatever it was.

That final thought was sickening. I couldn't abort it. Of course - I physically could have it aborted... But I couldn't do that to something living. A part of me. I didn't like the thought of something growing inside of me- but that didn't mean I was going to be cruel enough to kill it. No matter how poorly Harry reacted.

A jangle of keys outside the door was enough to get me onto my feet- rushing back into the bedroom as I heard the front door opening.

"Y/n?" His voice called from the front room.

I jumped onto the bed, finding my phone and running my finger over the dent it had left in the wall. That would need fixing as well.

"Y/n? You around?" Harry's voice peeked around the door, finding me sat on the bed. Hands held in lap, phone clasped between shaking fingers. I looked at Harry's head, hair scruffy, and the smile on his face sincere. And the lack of redness in his eyes and cheeks gave me the impression he hadn't drank - or at least he hadn't drank much.

"You don't look like you've gone out." I commented on Harry's appearance. He smiled as he entered the bedroom, shutting his door behind him.

"Decided to skip." He responded, leaning his back against the door, holding a plastic baggie in his hands.

You should tell him. The voice spoke in my head. I knew I should. And there was not better time than now to tell him.

"I have something to tell you." "I have something to tell you."

I lowered my head and chucked slightly as the two of us let out laughs, our synchronisation amusing despite the fact it felt as though my heart were going to explode in my chest.

"I'll go first," Harry offered, though I shook my head.

"No, I want to-"

"I can- I don't mind, I mean-"

"No, seriously, Harry. I've got something more... uhm, important."

I could feel tears welling in my eyes as I went. The dip in the bed and the heavy arm that made its way around my shoulder indicated Harry at my side. I couldn't hold it in as again, I felt a choked sob make its way from my lips.

"I'm pregnant, Harry-"

I cut myself off with another pathetic sob, my head burying into Harry's shoulder as he wrapped his other arm around me, cradling and rocking us back and forth. My head ached as I let myself cry onto his hoodie shoulder, my hands weakly grasping onto the soft material as the second batch of tears for the day slipped down my cheeks.

I wiped my nose, pulling away to look at my boyfriend after the worst of the sobbing was over, my tired red eyes meeting his own pacifying blue ones.

"I know." He softly spoke, his lips curling up slightly with a small smile as he watched my expression drop to blank slate instantly.

"W-what?" I stuttered, the words not resonating as I suddenly felt so light it were as though I weren't even there. His eyes curved into little crescents as he giggled.

"I know, Y/n, I know, I know, I know." I closed my eyes, breathing in and out deeply, wanting to pinch my arm. Was I even awake?

"Please explain what the hell is happening," I asked with a short laugh, still not really processing what was happening.

"I figured, Y/n. After all the morning sickness-"

"I thought you were asleep during that?"

"I heard the end of your throwing up and toilet flush in the morning... I feel worse I always woke up too late to help you through it. But I noticed your morning sickness, not coming out to drink, the unusual mood changes..."

"Yeah, sorry for snapping at you." I chuckled, and he just rubbed my back. "So... what now?"

"Well, I went out and I got some things for us- sorry, for you." He pulled the plastic Tesco's bag from the side of the bed, digging through it. "I got you some Häagen-Dazs- the praline flavour because I know it's your favourite- and these flowers because Faith advised to get those on the phone- oh, and also-"

He pulled a fluffy piece of clothing and gestured for me to take it. I couldn't tell what exactly the item was, but as I pulled it apart, I realised it was a tiny little baby one-piece, so small it was barely the side of my head.

It was perfect. He was perfect. My boyfriend, my baby daddy, My Harold. I felt as though I could cry again, but refrained as I turned to face Harry.

"So you're... okay with having a baby?"

"...Yeah." He began nodding his head in self-support. "We can do this."

"You aren't mad or anything?"

"Mad?" He looked aghast at the thought. "Bloody hell, no! I'm actually kind of... excited."

I couldn't believe it. A laugh fell from my lips, realising there wasn't any problems. That Harry was fine with all of it. And he supported it. Me. We were going to be fine.

"Fuck, I love you Harry."

He connected his lips with mine and I couldn't have felt happier as the fireworks in my stomach exploded, lips curling into a smile as I realised:

Maybe it was all gonna be okay.

-----------

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dellalalakang · 1 year ago

Text

triple n: RIP kang della

masterlist | main masterlist

— lhs, pjs, sjy, psh —

well.......

contains: fivesome. really rough (choking, slapping, etc.), DELLA HAS AN IUD!!, della getting absolutely manhandled, her hands gets restrained for a bit, BUT THEN THERE IS A BIT OF DOM!DELLA ACTION, double penetration (as in anal), tiiiiiny bit of breeding kink, kitten as a nickname kink, daddy kink (sorry guys lol ik i said i wouldn't but i can't help it), i also said that they're never goofy during sex but we have the 02z in one session y'all— it's bound to get a little silly, LONGEST FIC I'VE WRITTEN (7.3k WORDS), longest + most detailed + most insane smut i've ever written omg i dont think i will EVER top this

happy belated anniversary my darlings 🤍 happy two years to della and her men (and alice) ✨

AND HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ENHA'S (5/8) LOSS IN NNN! this chapter takes place on midnight 2022/11/11 (so i kinda thought that was today bcs dumbo self messed up the dates so i'm one day late but it's all good)

hi guys! i missed you! i will try to reply to asks soon! i'm so sorry for disappearing again, life has been rough and moving too fast 😭 DID NOT PROOFREAD BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED

Kang Della is going to die tonight.

While not literally, she was definitely going to be reborn as a new woman.

"Lala, stop praying. You're not actually gonna die," Sunoo said, more interested in his phone than his overreacting girlfriend. "You're gonna have so much fun, and we have the day off tomorrow. It'll be great."

"Sunoo shut up and help me pray," Della herself was already dressed, cleaned up and ready to head out.

But certainly not ready to meet the hyuppas.

"Why are we even praying when you're going to be doing something so sinful?"

There were three possible outcomes from tonight; One, the hyuppas being so annoyed that they prefer to ignore her for a bit. Though that is just her anxiety talking.

Two, they would take turns with her for four days straight. Which also means that she would have a limp and some back pain for a week or so.

Or three, they would all have their way with her, at the same time.

And the last option seems to be the most likely.

❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆

"Oh, hi! Oppa! Really funny seeing you here but Sunghoon-oppa asked for beer, so here—" Jake immediately pulled Della into his room before she could escape from what was coming.

"You're in massive trouble, young lady," the girl would've laughed if the situation wasn't as serious. Who actually says that sentence in real life? Sim Jaeyun, apparently.

"Oh, wow! All the hyuppas are here!" Della laughed nervously. "Seems like you guys are preparing to have a celebration together! Wouldn't want boring 'ole Della making things all boring!"

The stern look on all four men made Della withdraw into herself. She avoided eye contact by playing with her nails, mentally preparing herself for the scolding.

"Kang Della, sit down," Heeseung ordered, gesturing the couch with his eyebrows.

"Ah.. I really need to my room though, Yunji-unnie's waiting for me," Della hopes that she could somehow avoid the earful, though it is looking very improbable. "So I'm just here to hand over the beer and—" she gasped when Jay slowly took her hands and held them behind her back like a criminal.

"Do you know how hard it was to wait for you?" he said in a low tone. "The only reason why we did this stupid challenge was because of you."

Jay's deep voice caused Della's skin to erupt in goosebumps. She bit her lip as her heart started pumping faster. She tried to look into his eyes but quickly adverted her gaze when she saw how handsome he looked with his expression. She could feel herself getting wet again.

"The fucking audacity you had to lose to someone who wasn't even a part of this bullshit of a challenge," Sunghoon walked over and held her face with both hands. He noticed a familiar scent within the proximity. "You've been fucking drinking too. You did a lot with Sunoo, huh?"

She had forgotten about the alcohol in her system, now understanding why her brain seems so hazy. She barely drank anything, but she is a major lightweight. The drink Sunoo gave her, mixed with the lack of sexual attention (and undeniably, Sunoo's seduction) must be why she lost the game so easily.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't plan it or anything. Honest!" she replied with puppy eyes. While the look stirred something inside Sunghoon, it certainly wasn't sympathy.

"Even if you didn't plan it, you still did it, didn't you?" he asked in an eerily calm voice. "You can't really take it back now, can you?" he brushed her bangs back but kept his hold firm. "Even if it was silly little foreplay."

Everything Sunghoon did just made her core uncomfortably wet. She was embarrassed to clutch her legs tighter but her mind was just occupied with how stunning he looked and how hot his words were.

"No," Della whined, shamelessly staring at his lips. "I'm sorry, oppas."

"Do you know what's gonna happen now?" Sunghoon asked, staring at her lips as well.

"Am I getting punished?" Della bit her lip at the thought.

"You're gonna deal with us four, yeah? We've been stupidly waiting for over a week," Sunghoon caressed her cheeks before forcefully making her look at the two boys on the bed. "Look at them. We all deserve to be relieved from this challenge, hm?" he whispered in her ear.

"Nghh," Della whined at the sight of Jake and Heeseung. They were sitting on the joint bed with a can of beer in their hands. They were intently staring at the three of them, anticipating their next moves and patiently waiting for their turn. They knew that hard-dom Sunghoon would be the best at disciplining Della in bed, while romantic Jay would really show her just how serious they are.

"Do you think you can do that?" Sunghoon whispered again, causing Della to gulp and nod her head. "Use your words."

"I'm gonna deal with all four of you," she said timidly. She has never handled more than two people before, and now she's jumping straight to four.

But she is excited. Extremely excited.

"Good girl," Jay kept his hold with one hand, using the other to stroke her hair. "Your safe word today is red and yellow, okay? Regardless of Korean or English."

"Okay, oppa," Della closed her eyes at the gentle kiss Jay left on her hair. Suddenly all the nerves left and she's just left with pure anticipation.

"Good girl," although the words were identical to Jay's, Sunghoon's praise sounded rougher, more possessive. "Now come here."

Sunghoon connected his lips to hers hungrily while his hands moved to grope her bare breasts under her pyjama top.

Jay let out a small smirk, his hands busily tying her wrists with the neck tie he prepared. His recently free hands then moved to unbutton her top, helping Sunghoon get easier access.

"You're not wearing a fucking bra. Sunoo must've enjoyed these babies, huh?" Jay said against her neck as his hands replaced Sunghoon's. The latter's opted to move down and roam his hands on Della's hourglass figure.

"Did he? Answer Jay," Sunghoon mumbled on her lips before shifting his kisses to her neck.

"No, he didn't," Della whimpered at the stimulation. Her legs were now almost crossed at how eager she is for some sort of sexual activity.

"Aish, that kid," Jay cursed, pulling away from Della to grab himself a beer. "Won 3N but didn't even fully enjoy it," he then pat Heeseung's shoulder and sat down beside Jake. "Tag. You're it."

Heeseung smirked, taking a big swig of his drink before making his way to Dehoon. With some liquid courage, he knew that they would all have a long, wild night ahead of them. They all definitely need a few cans because they desperately need this.

"You could've tagged me, y'know?" Jake pointed at his roommate.

"Shut up," Jay sipped his drink. "Just go over and join them– who's stopping you?"

"Nah, I'm actually enjoying the view," the younger laid back and rested his upper body weight on his forearm. The two watched as Sunghoon pulled away as soon as he noticed Heeseung.

"I told you to sit down, didn't I?" Heeseung practically mumbled, using his free hand to push her down onto the couch. "Why didn't you listen to me but obeyed Sunghoon and Jongseong?"

Della's mouth watered at the angle. If her instincts were correct, she was gonna suck someone off, most probably Heeseung.

And she absolutely loves giving head.

Heeseung especially tends to let out these adorable sounds that are music to her ears. She knows that he will try to hold them back since they're not alone, but she is determined to have this gorgeous man let loose of his (almost) equally gorgeous noises.

"I'm sorry, oppa," the lower angle made Della's puppy eyes look even more cute. "I was just nervous."

"You know what those eyes do to me," Heeseung ran a thumb over her lip. "Should we forgive her, Sunghoon?" he sucked in a breath when she took his thumb into her mouth to suck gently.

"We'll see about that," a loud zipper sound filled the room as Sunghoon aggressively undid his pants. "Open up," and his cock was in front of Della's face in no time.

She did not need to be told twice. Her eyes instantly closed as her tongue swirled around the tip. She played around with it for a few seconds before pushing it all the way to the back of her throat.

"Fuckkk, I missed this," Sunghoon threw his head back. "So fucking good," he bit his lip harshly.

Upon the sight, Heeseung hurriedly lowered his sweatpants with one hand, but struggled to get his hard-on out from the tightness of his boxers. He eventually succeeded once Sunghoon helped by taking the beer out of his hands.

"Pay attention to hyung too," Sunghoon said and took a large gulp of the liquid.

Della wasted no time in having Heeseung inside her mouth with her tongue swirling around the girth. She didn't care as her hair got everywhere.

"Thereee you go," Heeseung grunted, pushing the hair behind her shoulders and brushed her bangs back . "Ah fuck!" he bit his lip to try and contain his sounds.

"Ya– I meant divide your attention, not completely move on to him," Della gasped as Sunghoon pulled her hair so she could come back to him. "Back and forth, baby, you can do it."

It is definitely difficult. Della has never given head with her hands tied before, let alone with two dicks.

But if the boys know anything about their baby, they'll know that she is not a quitter; she will persist until she's absolutely certain she can't.

She bobbed her head two times on Sunghoon before switching back to Heeseung to repeat her movements, and doing the same to Sunghoon again. The perspective was so hot that Sunghoon's breath turned heavy and Heeseung's moans were audible again.

Jay and Jake, on the other hand, were getting a bit impatient because they could barely see anything. Sunghoon could almost sense it, and as he turned his head to look at his two best friends, he found Jake fiddling with his can while Jay tapped his hand in wait.

"Hyung, let's move to the bed," Sunghoon breathed out, pulling Della away from him and up from the sofa. Della whined at the loss but let herself be moved around like a doll. "Be fucking patient. You were willing to wait for a month, you can definitely handle a few seconds," Sunghoon slapped her lightly.

DellaTheMasochist only gave him an annoyed look with a bratty pout, making him slap her once more.

"Oh you're gonna be a little brat, huh? I'll deal with you fucking later," he then carefully pushed her to Jay's arms, causing Della to smile in adoration. No matter how rough sex is with Sunghoon, he's still a huge softy.

"Well hello there," Jay caught her with one hand. "Were you being a bit bratty?" he asked while fixing her hair gently.

"No, never," Della shook her head innocently. Sunghoon grinned as he opened himself a can, sitting on the bed beside Heeseung.

Her absolute brattiness only comes out to Sunghoon. She's an angel with Jay, putty with Jake, and a dominant with Heeseung.

"Of course not, you're our princess," Jay breathed down her neck and captured a nipple in his mouth. He blindly handed Jake his drink so he could use both hands to hug her waist. He spent a few minutes slowly enjoying her boobs, leaving hickeys all around the area.

The three knew that Jay liked his intimacy, so they didn't interrupt.

He eventually laid her between himself and Jake, opting to just stroke her hair for now. Della was settling into a more comfortable position when Jay noticed that Jake's hands were now free from the cans he was holding.

He gestured for the Aussie to begin, eliciting a grin from Jake before hovering above Della.

"Hi, baby," Jake whispered. His attractive face and accent left a small blush to her cheeks. "I missed you," he connected their lips together in a steamy kiss.

The thing with Dake is that they don't always have a clear dominant in the bedroom. Most times it's Jake while others it's Della. What's crystal is that they are really passionate together. Practically straight out of an erotic movie.

"I'm still annoyed about Triple N but I miss you too much to fucking care right now," he ran his hands down from her sides, eventually tugging her shorts and panties down as far as he could. "Just wanna devour you."

He then proceeded to make his way down until he was off the bed with his face in between her legs. He completely got rid of her lower garments and took a deep breath, biting his lip before diving into her heat. One of his favourite things to do with her, and something that she desperately needed.

"Ah fuck!" Della threw her head back, pressing her thighs against his head. "Ahhh Jakey!" she whined.

"Sensitive babyy," Jay cooed and held her face with his hand. "You almost gave this up for a month, you know?" he left small kisses all over her face.

"November's my birthday month, she ain't gonna give this up for the whole thirty," Jake pulled back slightly to comment. With his accent and slight mumbling, Jay could barely understand what he was saying. Della, however, understood perfectly.

"I told you that I would give you an exception, right?" Della's answer just connected the dots for Jay. Big mistake.

"You promised him an exception?" Jay halted his caresses to seriously ask. But Jake had resumed his mission, and Della is far too distracted to answer. "Fucking answer me– you gave him an exception?" he tightened his grip on her face.

"Y-yeah, for his birthday," Jay let out a scoff at her answer and humourlessly chuckled.

"I was gonna go easy on you and let these guys do their own thing," his voice turned rough, something he didn't think he would do tonight. "But you were gonna give Jake an exemption and that– pay attention," he slapped her lightly when she moaned to his face.

"Sorry, oppa," Della whined, finding it difficult to concentrate when Jake's mouth was pleasuring her so well.

"It pisses me off," Jay whispered roughly. "Instead of just calling the challenge off, you were gonna make the three of us wait 'til the end," he smirked at how hard she was struggling to contain her sounds of pleasure. He let go of her roughly to sit up."Sorry man, I gotta take it from here," he pat Jake's shoulder.

"Mmkay," Della moaned loudly when Jake gave out one last suck to her clit. "I call dibs on cleaning her off though," he smiled widely while licking his wet lips.

"Deal," Jay immediately flipped Della over onto her stomach. "Tsk tsk tsk, Lala..." he swiftly took his shorts and boxers off in one go. "Stay down," he firmly instructed as he removed her restrains.

The three boys couldn't stop the grin when they watched Jay unleash his beast. The Jay they've seen before was nowhere near as aggressive.

"Have fun, bro," Sunghoon hollered. "Have fun, princess," he toasted his beer at Della when she made eye contact.

"I'm gonna fuck you now, yeah?" Jay whispered in her ear. He noticed the goosebumps that rose on her back as he was lifting her hips and parting her legs. "Hold on tight," he warned, handing her a pillow.

He bit the bottom of his sleeveless shirt just so he could get a clearer look of his shaft rubbing against her folds.

"Aghh," both Della and Jay groaned when his full length entered her. "Fuckk!" after ten days, he knew he had to let Della adjust a little. Yet he also knew that she didn't need long based on how wet she is and how Sunoo had prepped her.

So not long after, he pulled back and thrusted into her. Hard.

"Ngghhh!" Della squeezed her eyes shut while tightly hugging the pillow. "Oppaaa!" she moaned loudly.

"God! I fucking missed this!" Jay grumbled out. The cloth was no longer in his mouth and he had his head thrown back. "Fuck!"

He kept his hands on her hips as he pounded into her. Slow, but powerful thrusts.

"Ahhh! Oppaaaa!" Della continued to moan loudly. "Oh my God!" she realised how noisy she was being, so she began to muffle her sounds into the pillow.

"Oh no you don't," Jay grunted. Instead of taking the pillow away from her, he decided to flip her onto her back. Essentially switching to the missionary position. "Oh hi there, sweetie," he smirked at her, leaning down to place a kiss on her lips. "Hold on," he forcefully placed her hands on his shoulders before resuming his thrusts.

"Shit!" Della gasped, struggling to maintain eye contact with Jay as he continued to fuck her in the same manner. "Jay-oppaaa!" she practically screamed. Her nails starting holding on for dear life, scratching the skin of his biceps and her mouth was stuck open with nonstop moans.

The three other boys were turned on as hell.

Jake kept adjusting the bulge in his pants while Sunghoon and Heeseung had to constantly shift in their seats.

Waiting was especially hard for Heeseung as he barely got to touch Della in ten days. So he downed two cans and working on his third in no time, making him slightly tipsy and extremely impatient.

And the sight of her mouth opening just reminded him of something.

"That's it," he crawled across to Jella's side of the bed. "Sunghoon said we were moving to the bed, so you're not done sucking me off," he sat on his knees beside Della's. "Sorry, Jongseong-ah," he breathed out and helped guide Della's mouth to his length.

"By all means, hyung," Jay pulled away and halted his movement to let Della find a comfortable position. "You better do your best. We know you can do it, baby," he whispered to Della, taking off his shirt as he waited.

"Shittt!" Heeseung moaned practically straight after Della's mouth wrapped around him. "There you go, baby– just like that," he assisted by thrusting so that all she had to do was just suck around him and pump what she can't.

"I'll start moving again," Jay began thrusting as soon as he alerted Heela. "Aghh," he grunted, furrowing his eyebrows together. The view of Della sucking someone off in front of him just made him want to fuck her even harder.

He needs to hear her moans even if they were muffled.

"Ahh! Lala!" Heeseung whined when Della kept moaning around him. "Just like that! Sooo good! Nghh!"

Since his mind was foggy from the alcohol, he didn't even bother to hold back on his moans. Even when they start to get a little too subby.

Meanwhile, Sunghoon and Jake wanted to join in so badly, but fear that they would overwhelm their baby. Though they can't just sit there and do nothing.

So they decided to devise a plan for when their turn comes.

"Have you... ever done anal?" Sunghoon awkwardly asked Jake after covering his dick with a pillow. "Like do it from the butt?"

"Me or Della?" Jake's question made the ice prince slap his arm.

"Della, of course," Sunghoon scolded.

"Ack! No– I just gotta make sure I understood what you meant," Jake explained. "No, we haven't."

"I have and I brought condoms and lube," Sunghoon pointed at his luggage. "So here's the thing... Della has been quite curious to try like.. two people.. like.." Sunghoon tried to find the words to explain it in a way that Jake would understand, knowing that the guy mostly knows English sexual terms.

"Like at the same time? Double?" Jake asked while bringing his hands up for gesture.

"Uh, double," Sunghoon nodded, instantly feeling awkward again. "Do you... wanna try it with me? It's her first time and maybe you can do the... back because you've never tried it before."

Jake was quick to make up his mind, all thanks to the two beers he had downed.

"Let's do it," he raised his hand to dap Sunghoon up. "Jellahoon, am I right?"

"Of course," Sunghoon grinned.

"Fuck! I can't cum already!" Heeseung grit his teeth and slowed down his hips. "Lalaaa," he whined.

It was then when Della finally pulled away from the blowjob. She looked into his eyes whilst her hand kept pumping his shaft.

"Heeseung, babyy. What did I tell you about holding back?" she forced herself to restrain her moans just so she could remind him who's in charge.

Fortunately, Jay, who was finding the exchange amusing (also wanting Della all to himself during his orgasm), had slowed down his thrusts to help her focus.

"To never do that because only bad boys hold back," Heeseung's rational thoughts went straight out the window. He was fully going to show his dongsaengs that Lee Heeseung is a sub. A major one. "But I'm not even inside you yet!"

"Come here, baby," Della got up from her position. "I'll be back," she placed a quick kiss on Jay's lips.

"Go ahead," Jay was so intrigued at his hyung and girlfriend's new side that he didn't care about his delayed orgasm— as long as he gets it straight after Heeseung reaches his.

"Poor babyy," Della cooed at Heeseung, brushing his hair back. "Why don't you sit comfortably and let Lala do the work?"

The 02z watched in amazement as they discover how their hyung is actually like in bed. They watched him obey Della's instructions like clockwork, as if he's done this a million times.

He rested his back against the pillows with his legs ajar. His large bambi eyes were stuck on Della the whole time, looking absolutely lovestruck.

"Take off your shirt," Della pointed lazily, getting on top of his lap. "You're a good boy, right?" she connected their foreheads together and aligned him to her entrance.

All Heeseung could do was nod enthusiastically.

"Then don't hold back," Della whispered before sliding down on his length.

"Ahh!" both Heeseung and Della let out high-pitched moans. As Della bounced up and down, Heeseung's hands automatically went to wrap around her waist.

"Sh-shit!" Heeseung hugged her tighter while squeezing his eyes shut. Because he was already close earlier, it took no time for him to reach that point again. "Lalaaa!"

"Feel so good, Heeseung– ahhh!" when it comes to Heeseung, Della (most of the time) tries to compose herself. She's taking care of him after all.

"Shit– is that what it looks like when Della rides you?" Sunghoon asked under his breath. "That's fucking hot."

His hand then tried to secretly stimulate himself, making sure that neither Jake or Jay could notice. Jay, on the other hand, was openly pumping himself, not caring that his best friends could be looking.

"Damn, you're pretty big, bro," Jake suddenly blurted out at Jay. "Nice one."

"Thanks, I guess," Jay chuckled and kept moving his hand, not feeling awkward in the slightest.

"Why were you looking at his dick?" Sunghoon snickered, but that brought Jake's attention to him and that's when the latter noticed his sneaky hand.

"Why are you secretly jacking off? Just do it like Jay, no balls!" Jake slapped his calf. "We're literally in the middle of a fivesun—"

"Fivesome," Jay corrected him.

"Fivesome!"

"Ew, no! I feel so exposed! Like I'll be jerking off in front of you!" Sunghoon completely removed his hand from his dick. "And it's easy for you to say! You're still fully clothed!"

"It's not like we've never seen you naked bef–"

"02z, if you're not gonna suck each other off then shut the fuck up," Della interrupted their bickering while making eye contact. "Your hyung's trying to cum in peace."

"Yes ma'am," "Sorry," "Sorry," they all apologised quietly, hoping that no one notices their erection hardening even more. They hate admitting their thirst for Della's dominance.

Or to be accurate; They love her dominance, yet hate admitting their desire to be like Heeseung.

But it's not like the 02z have never been docile to DommeDella.

"Sunghoon, don't be fucking weird or I'll repeat last month's occurrences," Della's threat immediately made Sunghoon's skin erupt in goosebumps. He just hopes that she won't elaborate and reveal to his friends what exactly happened.

Thankfully, she didn't.

"Are you okay, baby?" Della went back and cooed to Heeseung, keeping her pace steady as she cradled his head.

"I'm gonna cuuuum," he sobbed. "Fuck! Lalaaa!"

"There you go. Don't hold back, Heeseung baby," Della mustered up all the energy she had to quicken her pace.

"Ahhhh! Lalaaa!" Heeseung used his tight hold to assist her bounces before ultimately letting out a loud gasp as he released spurts and spurts of warm cum. "Oh my God, babyy," he sighed and relaxed his shoulders.

"Good boyy," Della halted her thrusts, caressing his hair lovingly. "Filling me up soo good," she placed tiny kisses on his head. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Lala," Heeseung breathed out. "Thank you," he pulled himself away to connect their lips.

They were stuck in a slow make-out session for a while before Jay grew impatient and pulled Della away from the older.

"You didn't forget about me, did you?" Jay grumbled in her ear. "I gave you time to fuck hyung but now you forgot about us?" he lifted her up like she weighed nothing and placed her front facing down.

"You're being rude, Jay. Your hyung needed to—" Della cut herself off with a gasp when Jay landed a firm spank on her ass.

"You're not in control no more," he said in a low voice, lifting her waist up slightly. "Where are your manners?"

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered when he spread her pussy lips. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly pouring out of her. As always, he came a lot.

"Shitt– hyung," Jay called for Heeseung to see. The latter had pretty much sobered up from earlier and is back to his usual self.

And at least for now, he still had not realised what he had done in front of his dongsaengs.

"Keep it in, baby," Heeseung took two of his fingers and pushed the cum back inside her, causing Della to gasp. "Add onto it, Jongseong," he patted Jay's bare shoulder with his clean hand before heading towards the bathroom.

"My pleasure," Jay whispered. He wrapped his arms around Della's body and instantly pushed himself inside her once again. "Fuckkk, Della."

"Yess! Oppaa!" Della squeezed her eyes shut, letting out babbles of words that barely made any sense. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly absorbing inside her as Jay fucked it deeper. The sounds of the moisture only turning on everyone in the room more.

"Fuck! You're gonna cum soon, aren't ya?" Jay's hard-but-slow pace tried to quicken when he felt Della tightening around him. "Just a little more, baby– Oppa's almost there, wait for me," he left kisses on the side of her face as he tried to concentrate on cumming together with his girl.

Fortunately for him, Della knows exactly what to do in this situation.

"Fill me up good, oppa. Make me feel so full," Jay had never verbally admitted it to her, but she knows that he has a breeding kink. "Stuff me full of—"

"FUUUUCK, I'm cumming!" Jay's left hand frantically went to search for Della's. "C'mere baby," while his right hand went to bring her face to his.

They connected their lips together, essentially muffling their moans (and screams). Della used her free hand to hold onto his head, making the scene look even more sweet.

"I love you, Della," Jay mumbled against her lips.

"I love you, Jay," Della whined at the feeling of her own orgasm mixed with Jay's (and Heeseung's). "So, so much."

"So, so much," Jay left a final kiss on her forehead before getting off of her back. His eyes immediately went to her cum-filled entrance. "Good girl, keep it in," he grunted, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight of barely any cum leaking out.

He chuckled when Della wiggled her ass for fun. "How cute," he slapped her ass and stood up. "Agh fuck, you really milked me dry."

"Come on, it hasn't been THAT long, guys," Della rolled her eyes. "We didn't even last the whole month."

Just as she finished talking, a harsher slap was placed on her ass.

"You fuck four men on a daily basis– you still think you could've handled it?" Sunghoon asked, flipping Della onto her back. "Do I also need to remind that you were the one who gave in first? YOU?" he grabbed onto her leg to pull her closer to the edge of the bed and closer to him. "Don't make me teach you a lesson."

"Go easy on her, Sunghoon-ah. She's about to receive a handful with you and Jaeyun," Heeseung reminded. He grabbed Jay's and his cans of beer before joining Jay on the bed. The two were now dressed in their boxers.

"Yeah, just shut up and let's do our shit," Jake impatiently took off his pants but kept his shirt on, only removing his zip-up. "You've done anal, baby?" Della nodded her head in enthusiasm. "Yeah? And you like it?"

"Mhmm! Are we doing what I think we're doing?" Jake chuckled at her excitement.

"You're adorable. Isn't it gonna hurt, baby?" the tips of Jake's fingers began grazing Della's thigh.

"I wanna be closer to my men," Della gave out a seductive look to both Jake and Sunghoon, making sure to use Korean so Sunghoon would understand.

"How cute," Sunghoon mumbled. "Don't forget your safe words," he ran a hand through Della's hair before laying down on the bed, legs still seated on the edge.

"Is she getting on top of you or me?" Jake asked his partner. "Isn't it more comfortable with you on top?"

"I mean... It's easier for me to thrust but it's more comfortable for her to hug me, no?" Sunghoon explained. "Won't it be unstable if she lays on her back?"

"No– Della should be on her stomach, on her back is difficult, I think," Heeseung pointed at the three.

"Are you doing double?" Jay's eyes widened when he realised what they were discussing.

"Uh," Jakehoon replied briefly.

"Then Della should be on her stomach and the one who does the back thrusts from behi– on top," Jay gave his take.

"No– the reason why I say she should be on her back is because she needs to be distracted from the pain and Sunghoon would be able to thrust and properly do that," Jake tried to explain his take. "Otherwise his movements are limite—"

Their discussion was cut off by a loud groan from Della, followed by the girl hovering over Sunghoon chest-to-chest.

"Stop taking so fucking long and just fuck me," she wasted no more time and slipped Sunghoon's cock into her entrance.

"Oh my God!" "Oh fuck!" the two hissed at the sudden feeling.

"Fucking finally!" Sunghoon threw his head back. "Come here, kitten," he repositioned Della a little so he could move more comfortably.

Thanks to his long legs, all he needed to do so was to hold her in place.

"So fucking tight," he said with gritted teeth. He was never one to make a lot of noises in bed, but with his buddies around, he's determined to look cool. He was gonna try to contain his facial expressions, which is something he never holds back on.

Yet his plan went straight out the window when Della adorably cuddled into his chest.

"Oppaaa," she whined.

"Aww, kitten– my princess," he cooed, bringing one of his hands to hug her close. "Does that feel good, kitten?"

Della could only mew louder and nuzzle her head more, making all four boys coo at the sight.

"This seems enough for you, baby. Do you really need more?" Jake went up to her face to tease while his lubed finger equally teased her back entrance.

Della looked into his eyes and said the one name that the two have kept a secret for a long time.

"Please, daddy?"

Jake halted for a second, taken aback at the sudden change of mind. He was not one to be shy about his kink, but Della was a bit apprehensive that the members just won't understand.

But weirdly enough, none of the boys reacted, as if they already knew of the fact.

"Sunghoon, stop moving for a second," Jake went back to his position and squeezed more lube onto Della's hole. "Stay relaxed, darling," he warned Della before pushing a finger in.

"Mmm," she closed her eyes and pursed her lips.

"I'm right here, princess," Sunghoon whispered in her ear. "Relax some more," and immediately continued his movements.

"There ya go, good girl," Jake muttered, slowly twisting and pumping his finger. When Della was almost fully relaxed and resumed her previous moaning, Jake gradually added another finger in and followed by another once she adjusted to that as well. "Such a good girl."

"Ahh! I'm gonna cum!" Della announced, pushing her upper body up to catch a glimpse of what Jake's doing. "Fuck!" her eyes rolled back as she turned back to Sunghoon. "Oh my Goodness!" her moans only got louder when she looked at Sunghoon's facial expressions.

As always, his eyebrows were furrowed the whole time while he switched between biting/licking his lips, having his mouth open or gritting his teeth. He had completely forgotten about his initial plan of restraining himself.

"Go cum, darling," he choked out, giving his last few hard thrusts after Della threw her head back and cried out.

He almost let out a sigh of relief. If Della waited just a few seconds longer, he too would've been calling to cum and he did not want that just yet.

"Relax a bit, kitten," neither Sunghoon nor Jake pulled out, but they wanted to give Della time to catch her breath.

"What a good girl," Jay noticed Jake ripping open the condom wrapper and immediately sprung to action. "Taking four men so well," he continued to drop praises while caressing her hair.

"If it gets too much, please let us know and Jake can jerk off for the night or something," Heeseung also joined in with a joke.

"Hyung!" Jake whined. He somehow successfully got the condom on with just one hand, and is now lathering his length with the lube.

"Byee daddy" Jay added fuel to the fire by grinning and waving at him.

"Shut the fuck up, Jay, I complimented you earlier," Jake sent a glare at his friend.

"The tension is insane. Now kiss," Della lifted her head to comment.

No matter how many times she has teased them, they have never expressed or voiced their discomfort, which she knows they aren't afraid to do. In Della's mind, this would imply that the possibility of it happening is not zero.

"Aish Lalaa!" "Eyy!" "Babe!" "Aghh" the four boys complained, with Jake adding an additional smack to her ass.

"You think his dick is big, right? You have my permission and sucking ONE dick does not make you ga—"

"Okay, that's enough," Sunghoon spoke up and gave her one hard thrust. "Jake and I still need to cum, princess. Stop the yapping."

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered, bringing her head down to rest on Sunghoon's chest again.

"I'm only letting you off since you've been so good to us, understand? Don't test my patience," he said in a low voice, his hips starting to move in a steady pace once again.

"Understood," Della let out a high-pitched moan at the stimulus but was cut off with her own gasp as Jake pulled his fingers out.

"I'm putting it in," Jake breathed out. He squeezed some more lube on Della's rim before slowly entering. "FUCK!"

"Mmh!" Della had her eyes squeezed shut, trying to adjust to his size (especially with Sunghoon in her other hole).

"Our strong baby," "Such a good girl," Jay and Heeseung showered her in praises, using their hands to caress her arm and back while Sunghoon does so with her hair.

"Fuck– so fucking tight," Jake threw his head back when he was fully inside her. "Hang in there, baby, good job," he smoothed his hand over her ass.

"Yellow?" Heeseung asked about the safe word, just in case.

"Green," she quickly answered. "Can you move slowly, oppa?" her head shifted to make eye contact with Sunghoon.

"Of course, darling," he placed a kiss on her hair before slowly pumping her. "Shit, kitten," he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back.

Because of Jake, she felt tighter than usual but was still wet as ever. He knew he couldn't last long, especially after nearly cumming earlier.

"Jaeyun, please move," Della breathed out, starting to feel pleasure again.

Both Jake and Della let out a loud gasp at the sensation. The pace began to quicken in no time, making the scene look like it came straight out of an incognito site.

"Oh my– fuuuuuuck!" Della moaned loudly, feeling fuller than she's ever felt. "Oppaaa! Daddyyyy!" little tears began pooling in the corner of her eyes. "Aaaaaaahhh!"

"So good, baby. Taking both of us so well," Jake leaned forward to mumble in her ear. "Shittt, so tight baby," his face held a large smile and left temporary hickies around her neck and shoulders. "My good girl."

There's no doubt that the back end is tighter, but Jake's favourite was really the sight of having two of her holes stuffed, and the fact that him and Sunghoon were the first ones to do that.

The three were so into each other that they didn't notice Heeseung getting up to retrieve Sunghoon's old, red iPhone. He knew that they would want the scene to be recorded— for their eyes only, of course.

"I'm recording," Heeseung announced before pressing record. They all turned to Heeseung for a second and resumed like nothing happened.

"Come here, kitten," Sunghoon grunted, pulling Della's face in for a kiss. She moaned into his mouth when she felt her two best friends quicken their pace.

She noticed Jake tugging at her hair, so she broke the kiss off to then connect her lips with his, bringing a hand back to hold his head in place.

Jay, who did not want to just lay there beside them, started playing with Della's tits while palming himself. He personally doesn't need more, but he did not want the video to appear awkward.

"You guys really look so fucking hot," Heeseung commented. He turned off the recording and went back to his original spot. "I wanna kiss, baby," his head got closer so Della could easily kiss him.

"FUCK! I'm cumming!" Della pulled away to scream out. Her eyes were closed shut and her open mouth spewed out loud whines after whine.

"Yesss, kitten," "Me too, baby, me too," Sunghoon threw his head back while Jake buried his face in her neck. It did not take the three long at all to reach their orgasm.

"Jay-oppaa," Della managed to let out, weakly stretching an arm out so he could come closer. "I haven't kissed you."

Jay felt his heart swell in adoration and he swiftly did as told without hesitation.

"Fuckk! Aaaahhh!" Della pulled away but kept their foreheads together and squeezed Heeseung's hand.

They looked absolutely ridiculous being in one big huddle (and it was certainly not the most comfortable), yet that was the moment when the five of them were just connected. It's what they needed and exactly what they hoped for tonight.

"I'm cumming, baby," Jake's voice was shaky, and his thrusts started faltering first. "Shit! Good girl, baby. Good girl, good girl!"

"Shit! Shit!" both Jake and Della came around the same time. The former usually takes his time to ride out his high but he almost instantly pulled out so Sunghoon could finish properly.

Sunghoon looked at him in thanks, immediately adjusting his position and hurriedly chased his orgasm. Della started shaking and screaming with overstimulation, letting go of Heejay to hold on tightly to Sunghoon.

"Shit! Ahh baby, almost ther– NOW KITTEN. NOW, now, now!" Sunghoon babbled a bit as his orgasm overtook his body. "Shit," he sighed and relaxed his body, still holding onto Della tightly. "You're amazing, princess. I love you," he chuckled breathily.

"I love you, my prince," Della breathed out with a smile.

The two shared a sweet kiss before Sunghoon pulled away and shifted Della over to Jake, who was now lying beside him.

"What a good girl.You're an absolute champ and you're incredible," Jake couldn't help but chuckle. "We're so fucking lucky, baby. I love you so much," he then connected their lips in a passionate kiss.

"I'M so lucky to have you guys and I just love you sooo much," once they pulled away, Della's head instantly went to rest on Jake's chest. "Let's clean up before we get too tired."

"Oh no you don't," Jake shifted their position so Della would lay on her back. He got on top of her with a mischievous grin on his face.

"I called dibs on cleaning you off, remember?"

Eventually everyone washed up and got ready for bed. They decided to all sleep together on the makeshift king-sized bed with Della in the centre. They were cuddled closely, but it didn't really matter anymore to them.

"Guys, we're actually really cute," Heeseung giggled. "I fucking love this relationship."

"Just a bunch of bros with our girl" Jake sighed. He held Della tighter to his chest and shut his eyes, ready to sleep.

"For a second there, I thought you were gonna call me a hoe," Della giggled, looking up at him.

"I'm never gonna call you a hoe, babe! I'm not Sunghoon!" Jake's reply made Sunghoon smack his shoulder.

"I will never call her that!" Sunghoon looked at him with betrayal. "I don't even know what that means but I know it's bad!"

"You call her names in bed, we all know it!" Jake protested back.

"Ya– rarely ever, right princess? Only on certain times and we both have no issues with it," Della nodded at Sunghoon's defence. "See?! Don't kinkshame me, daddy."

"YAA!" Jake shaking Sunghoon's leg off of his own.

"Today's session just revealed everyone's kinks," Jay laughed. "Sunghoon likes to call Della 'kitten', Jake likes to be called 'daddy', Della apparently likes anal," he stopped himself for saying Heeseung's out of respect.

"Pffftt, okay mister kinky. Didn't know you could go hard like that," Sunghoon grinned. "I thought you just liked vanilla but you were slapping Lala and everything."

"Why do you like to get slapped?" Jay ignored Sunghoon and asked the girl he was semi-holding.

"I don't know! Sometimes I just like things!" Della shrugged defensively. "I like a whole bunch of things!"

"Yeah and your boyfriends all like different things too," Sunghoon chuckled. "You're absolutely perfect for us."

"Awww," Della grinned but got shy and hid her face in Jake's chest. "I'm sorry for making you all join No Nut November. This was really dumb and I'm also really sorry for losing to someone who didn't even join."

"Don't worry about that, darling. It's all forgiven and practically forgo—" Jay's words were cut off by the boom of Heeseung's voice beside him.

"WAIT!" Heeseung shot up straight in realisation. Della and Jake both jumped in surprise while Sunghoon and Jay flinched. Heeseung looked back at them with horror in his eyes.

There was a reason why he was quiet the whole time. It's because it just hit him how;

"YOU GUYS FUCKING SAW ME IN MY WEAK STATE!"

i gotta be honest, i hate to be that person but i was feeling really insecure about my writing tbh. like the first draft was not hot AT ALL and i wanted this long awaited/overdue smut to make you guys all hot and bothered y'know? i think it's much better now and i'm feeling both proud and insecure but i hope you enjoyed it and happy anniversary! taglist: @duolingofanaccount @lalalalawon @clar-iii @deafeningballoonpeach

#enhypen hard hours #enhypen smut #kang lala #sunghoon smut #heeseung smut #jake smut #jay smut

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goldfades · 1 year ago

Text

✮ 𝐜𝐨𝐰𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞, quinn hughes

♡ ─ word count | 3.2k

♡ ─ summary | you and quinn were destined to fail from the beginning.

♡ ─ warnings | unedited LOL, so much angst (are we surprised), drinking, mentions of a stupid bet (pls don't come for me ik it's a cliche but it works), asshole!quinn (so sorry for this), break-up's, lots of fighting and just overall asshole-ry, unloyalty (not exactly cheating but idk), lmk if i missed anything LMAOOO

♡ ─ taglist | tbd (check out link in navigation!)

♡ ─ ev's notes | whoo, finally i wrote something for my celly!!! i'm not very proud of it .... idk why i lowkey hate it but i hope i did this song justice, i love this song and evermore in general. this is also very out of character quinn, LOLOL because he would never (in my head, at least...). ANYWAY!!! please let me know your thoughts and i would love to hear some respectful critiques for my general writing/plotting, i would appreciate it! anyways, enjoy this angsty ass story lol

As you stared into Quinn's eyes, under the flurolenst lights of the parking lot, you knew that it was over. The distant hum of traffic and the occasional flicker of the overhead lights were the only sounds breaking the stillness of the night.

Quinn's expression mirrored your own; a mixture of sadness, resignation, and regret etched across his features. His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but the words remained trapped, unspoken, as if even he couldn't find the right ones to mend what had been broken.

In the quiet of that desolate parking lot, you prayed, as you hadn't in a long time, for Quinn to say something, anything, that could mend the gaping rift between you. The silence between you two was deafening, heavy with the weight of unspoken words, unfulfilled promises, and a shared recognition of the inevitable.

As you stared into his eyes, his beautiful eyes, the eyes that still somehow showed admiration, you knew that this was the end. And in the depth of that painful realization, you also knew that, somehow, it was for the better. The love that had once bound you both was still there, but it had transformed into something unrecognizable, something that no longer served the happiness you both deserved.

──

ONE YEAR AGO

──

"You come here often?" were the first words that came from the unknown beautiful man's lips. The beautiful stranger's confidence and charming smile were hard to ignore, and his well-worn pick-up line had almost made you laugh.

You had experienced countless encounters with men using the same old pick-up line, wearing that familiar confident grin, and creating a typical atmosphere. Yet, there was something about this particular interaction that stood out.

You responded with a gentle smile, shaking your head in acknowledgement. "No, I just moved here." Well, that wasn't exactly true ─ you had lived here almost a year now but you were still new.

The corners of the beautiful stranger's lips curled up even further as he chuckled at your response. "Well, that explains why I haven't seen you around," he said, his voice carrying a playful undertone.

He kept turning around with a smirk and you noticed his group of friends and you suddenly understood what exactly what was happening ─ he was trying to prove something to his friends or win some kind of bet.

Sure, you first found his charming approach somewhat appealing, the growing suspicion that this might be part of a playful dare or a friendly challenge from his friends left you feeling intrigued and slightly amused. Nevertheless, you decided to go along with it, maintaining a friendly smile, eager to see where this interaction was headed.

He glanced over at his friends once more, who were now watching the two of you with amused expressions. It was becoming increasingly clear that this was more than just a chance encounter.

You decided to keep the conversation fun, playing along with his playful undertone. "I guess I've been flying under the radar," you replied with a grin. "But now that you've found me, what's your next move, mystery man?"

He laughed at the nickname before he leaned in closer, lowering his voice as if sharing a secret, playfully. "Well, I could offer you a drink and continue this intriguing conversation, or I could simply disappear back into the crowd, leaving you with the mystery."

"I like mysteries," you replied with a flirty undertone. Now this was something new ─ he was actually engaging which made you even more interested. "I'm Y/N."

"Quinn," he responded and extended his hand with the same smirk he's had on the entire night. "Quinn Hughes," he repeated, emphasizing his name in a way that made it clear he wanted you to know it.

"Good to meet you, Quinn Hughes." You replied playfully. "Now, where's my drink?"

Quinn's grin widened as he held onto your hand for an extra second, making sure you knew he appreciated the introduction. "The pleasure's all mine, Y/N," he said with a wink before releasing your hand. "What are you like feeling tonight?"

"Bellini, please."

He looked at the bartender who was cleaning the glasses and nodded his head, "Two Bellini's, please."

The bartender soon returned with two frosty Bellinis, each garnished with a sweet slices of peach. You took a sip and savored the fruity and bubbly flavors.

"Cheers," you said, raising your glass to Quinn. "To unexpected encounters and intriguing mysteries."

Quinn clinked his glass against yours, his eyes locked onto yours. "To new beginnings and unforgettable nights," he added, his tone suggestive.

──

What started as a one-night stand quickly became something more. Nights spent together soon became a weekly thing that excited the both of you. Quinn found himself smiling at mere thought of your presence, and that was when he knew it was over for him.

Sweet words exchanged as you fell asleep together, talking about your dreams and hopes, your worst fears and nightmares, building something that could only be described as perfect. Everything that you had ever wanted was Quinn.

He was a gentlemen, he opened doors and made sure you got home safe. He gave you forehead kisses, treated you like a princess, paid for everything and respected your boundaries.

But nothing is meant to last forever.

"You told me you blocked her!" You yelled in frustration as you threw the phone on the bed.

Quinn's face flushed with anger, his eyes narrowing as he retorted, "Well, what about you, Y/N? You promised me you'd stop bringing up the past every time we argue!"

Your anger flared in response as you threw your head back in anger. "This isn't about the past, Quinn. This is about you lying to me!"

He clenched his fists, his voice rising with fury. "And what about your constant need to control everything, to question every little thing I do? It's suffocating!"

The room seemed to crackle with tension as the argument escalated. Voices raised, accusations flying, both of you venting the pent-up frustration that had been building over time. It was a clash of emotions, a heated exchange that left no room for compromise.

Quinn's face was red with anger as his usual calm demeanor broke, his voice laced with frustration. "You never trust me, Y/N! It's like you're always waiting for me to mess up, to prove that I'm not good enough for you."

Your own anger burned hotly, and you shot back, "Maybe if you didn't lie to me, I wouldn't have reason to doubt you!"

"Lie to you? Y/N, come on, I never said-"

"Don't you try and twist your words, Quinn!" you interrupted him, your voice sharp and accusing. The hurt and anger in your eyes were unmistakable as you continued, "I saw the messages, Quinn. Don't insult my intelligence by denying it."

Quinn's jaw clenched as he realized there was no way out of this argument. His own anger surged, and he retorted, "Fine, I lied about blocking her, but it's not what you think."

Your heart broke truly for the first time that night as he said those words. Your lip trembled as you continued, "Then what is it, Quinn? Why couldn't you just be honest with me?"

He let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair. "I didn't want to upset you, okay? I knew how much it bothered you, and I thought I could handle it on my own."

Your anger began to mix with a sense of betrayal. "So, you thought it was better to lie to my face instead of talking to me about it? Is that how you see our relationship?"

Quinn's shoulders slumped, realizing the gravity of his mistake. "No, Y/N, that's not what I meant. I messed up, and I'm sorry."

Silence enveloped the room, heavy and suffocating, as you sat back down on the bed. The tears you had been holding back finally began to flow, tracing a path down your cheeks. The pain and betrayal in your heart were almost too much to bear.

You felt Quinn's presence beside you on the bed, his touch warm on your shoulder. His voice was filled with regret, and you could sense the genuine concern in his words.

"Wait, baby, please don't cry," he implored, his voice soft and tender. He moved closer, his arms encircling you in a gentle embrace. You laced your arms around his waist as you let the tears freely fall.

Despite the anger and hurt that still lingered, you couldn't help but feel safe in his comforting touch. His embrace offered a sense of solace, a reminder of the love you share.

"I'll block her, okay?" He hummed softly as your cries paused and you nodded in his arms. "I'll block her," he kissed your head as he mumbled those words.

Those weren't the last lies you both would ever mutter. More lies would follow, weaving a tangled web of deceit between you both.

──

You had never been one to care, before Quinn. It was always one after the other, leaving no room to heal. No one had ever taken you like Quinn, no ever felt Quinn. He was one in a million, he was your equal.

Maybe that was the problem, he was too much like you. You should've known it was a bad idea once you realized how similar you two were. You were both fiercely independent, with strong-willed personalities and a desire for control over your lives. While these traits had drawn you together in the beginning, also fueled moments of conflict and clashes of wills.

Perhaps it was the old adage of "too much of a good thing." The intense passion and stubbornness that had drawn you together now threatened to tear you apart.

Arguments that once seemed passionate now felt exhausting, and you found yourselves butting heads more often than not. Quinn's stubbornness mirrored your own, and instead of compromising, you often clashed fiercely over minor disagreements.

Amidst the commotion, you couldn't deny the depth of your feelings for Quinn. He was, and would always be, the love of your life. You realized that love was not about finding someone without flaws, but rather finding someone whose flaws you could accept and embrace. Quinn was not perfect, and neither were you, but together, you were something good, something worth fighting for. Something good was something that was hard to find nowadays, and something you had never experienced, something that you now relished in.

So, you made a choice. You chose to ignore the problems, at least for the time being. It wasn't the healthiest decision, and deep down, you knew it. But the love you felt for Quinn was powerful, and you were willing to overlook the cracks in your relationship, hoping they would somehow heal on their own.

Now, in hindsight, you realized it wasn't the best choice.

"Jesus, Y/N! Give me some room, I just won the best game of my life and the only you wanna talk about is something you heard from someone you know is a shit-talker, Y/N." Quinn shouted as he walked away from you, into the kitchen. It was obvious he was avoiding the topic, you'd try to bring it up multiple times but now you just wanted answered.

Your frustration boiled over as you followed him, your voice sharper now. "Quinn," you snapped, "this is important, and you can't keep brushing it aside like it doesn't matter. We can't keep avoiding our issues."

"There aren't any issues, you're making them out of thin air Y/N." He replied sharply as he opened the fridge. "Fuck, I lost my appetite. Thanks, baby." The sweet pet-name sounded like an insult now as he glared at you.

His dismissive attitude only fueled your anger further. You couldn't let him brush this off any longer. "Quinn," you said firmly, "I'm not making this up, okay, this is just something that has bothered me from the beginning and I can't keep trying to ignore it. I want you to be honest with me."

Quinn let out an angry groan as he slammed the fridge making you jump as you leaned back from him. He noticed the change in atmosphere and he sighed. Tonight was supposed to be about celebrating his win and now it just felt like another night where you two fought.

He slammed the fridge door shut, his frustration boiling over. "You want honesty? Fine. I'm tired of you constantly questioning me, doubting my every move. It's suffocating, Y/N!"

"Quinn, what happened the first night we met?"

That statement made his face pale. Quinn shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting around the room as if searching for an escape from the conversation. The air grew heavy with the weight of unspoken words, and for a moment, it seemed like he might try to evade the question.

But then, with a resigned sigh, he finally relented. "Fine, let's talk about it." He ran a hand through his hair, a gesture of nervousness that you had come to recognize. "It was a stupid bet, okay? My friends dared me to approach a beautiful girl like you and get your number."

Your heart sank as the truth spilled out. It confirmed your suspicions, but hearing it from him still stung. "No, but there's more. What about her?"

He knew who was "her" was, as he swallowed.

Quinn's discomfort was palpable as he reluctantly began to share more about that fateful night. "It wasn't just the bet," he admitted, his voice filled with regret. "There was this girl, one of my friends' exes. She was there that night, and she dared me to take things a step further."

Your heart sank even further, a mix of anger and hurt bubbling up. "You slept with me because she told me to?"

He nodded, unable to meet your gaze. "Yeah, I did. I'm so sorry, Y/N. I should've been honest from the beginning, but I was stupid, and I wanted to impress her."

The room seemed to close in around you as Quinn's confession hung in the air. It was a heavy blow, and your emotions swirled in turmoil. The pain of betrayal and humiliation washed over you, making it hard to find words.

"You used me," you finally choked out, your voice trembling with a mix of anger and sadness. He tried to touch your hand but you moved it, "Don't touch me."

And now it all made sense, the texting, him insisting she was blocked (when you knew she wasn't), the glances back from his friends on the night you met. It all clicked, like a switch.

But as you looked back at him, it hit you like a truck. Your sweet boyfriend, the whole foundation of your relationship had been because of a bet and an ex. "You still talk to her?"

The silence answered your question and you felt your stomach turn in disgust. The room felt suffocating, and you couldn't bear to stay there any longer. Pushing past Quinn, you rushed out of the kitchen, the weight of the revelation heavy on your shoulders.

──

You and Quinn faced each other as you both laid in bed, smiles hanging on your lips as you exchanged sweet whispers of "forever."

The room was bathed in the soft glow of the moonlight streaming through the curtains. It felt like a moment suspended in time, where the worries of the past and the uncertainties of the future faded away.

Quinn gently brushed a strand of hair from your face, his soft eyes filled with tenderness. "I love you, Y/N."

Your heart swelled with affection, and you caressed his cheek with your fingertips. "I love you too, Quinn."

As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, you both knew that the path ahead wasn't easy. But for now, in that moment, you held onto the hope that love would prevail, and your story would continue, marked by its ups and downs, but bound together by a love that refused to fade.

──

Forever was the sweetest con. Promises of the best future were mere phrases, no literal meaning behind them.

In the midst of that silence, you could almost hear the echoes of all the beautiful moments you had shared with Quinn. The laughter, the whispered promises, the warmth of his embrace – they all seemed like distant memories now, fading into the abyss of what could have been.

Finally, Quinn's lips moved, and he let out a heavy sigh. "Y/N," he began, his voice tinged with sadness, "I wish things could have been different. I never wanted to hurt you like this."

Your throat tightened, and you fought to keep your composure. "I know, Quinn," you whispered, your voice trembling. "It's just too late to fix what's broken."

The words hung heavily in the air, a painful acknowledgment of the damage that had been done. You both knew that there was no turning back, no magic words that could erase the pain and mistrust that now defined your relationship.

The pain of parting was excruciating as you took a step back from each other, the unspoken love still lingered in the space between you. It was a love that would forever remain a bittersweet memory, a chapter in your lives that had come to an end.

With one final, longing look, you turned away from Quinn and walked towards your separate futures, leaving behind the shattered remnants of a love that had once felt like forever.

You would never love again, not like you did with Quinn. No would ever make you laugh like he did, or touch you like he did, or make you cry like he did. And maybe in some way, that was a good thing.

Maybe, in time, you would discover new forms of love, different from what you had known before. You didn't know if you even wanted that, you just wanted what you once had with Quinn, before any of the shit hit the fan. At the same time you knew you were destined for failure the moment he had come up to you at that shitty bar, the foundation was destined to break into a million pieces for you to pick up.

Maybe, in some other universe, it would've worked out. Quinn would've come up to you willingly and bought you a bellini and maybe, he wouldn't have been so hung up on his ex. And then, your promises would've been fulfilled; the big house in Michigan, with two dogs and a big family and an even bigger heart. Two boys and two girls, like he'd promised. So that the son had a brother, and the daughter had a sister, just like the both of you had.

It was a beautiful vision of what could have been, a dream woven with the threads of love and real commitment. And maybe, in this reality or another, there were still beautiful moments and dreams waiting to unfold and that brought you some kind of peace.

-> make sure to check out my navigation or masterlist if you enjoyed! any interaction is greatly appreciated! <-

thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡

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savi0rr · 6 months ago

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this is my first request EVER.

so I'm kinda nervous about it, but here I go!! (also, if I could be an anon, that would be amazing!!)🌺

anyway, request time!!

alr so ik the song sk8er boi by Avril Lavigne?? I've been listening 2 that a lot recently, and all I could think about was punk!stone × gf!reader where just like in the song, the person that he used to have a crush on (when he was a scrap) comes and tries to get with him because ik he's rich now. only 2 find out that he's with the reader now 🤭

PUNK AU STONE HAS MY HEART‼️‼️

(p.s. I loooove your fics, they bring joy to my whole day/s!!)

That’s Crazy!

Stone x Fem! Reader - Punk AU

a/n: I jumped in joy while reading this

≻───── ⋆🎸⋆ ─────≺

You stood in the back stage, nodding your head along with Stone as he sung and played the guitar. You smiled, titling your head to the side. You both ed the sweat dripped down his forehead, the way his fingers ran over the strings. Your cheeks flushed. You were so caught up looking at him, that you didn’t notice him coming up to you.

“Staring much?” He asked, panting softly. He took a sip of water. “You did amazing!” You smiled, taking a napkin and wiping his forehead. He smiled, titling his head to the side. “I was getting nervous because I felt your eyes on me:” Stone teased as he leaned against you, tired. “You should write song like that.” You giggled, kissing his cheek. “I’ll be right back. I’ll go get you some food.” You said, before running off.

Stone stood in the backstage, messing with his hair. “Damn it…” He grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Stone—?” A soft feminine voice called out from the side. Stone perked up, before he took in a deep breath. “Hey.” He said dryly, looking over to the voice. A girl around your age, the girl who rejected Stone many times when he was scrap. “You look good—I mean—! You did good at out there.” The girl smiled sheepishly, her cheeks flushed. “Thanks.” Stone said, his eyes looked away from her.

“So…how have you been?” The girl asked, her hands together as she stepped closer to him. She titled her head to the side. She remembered back when he was scrap that this move would drive him crazy. But now, it was just pure disappointment. He didn’t find it cute, he found it weird that she was still doing this after all these years.

“I’ve been fine.” Stone replied, his face showing no interest. He was uncomfortable, wanting to get out of this situation. The girl only giggled at his expression. “My friends never approved of you. No one did.” She said, glancing off to the side. Stone signed, rolling his eyes once again. He didn’t care, he couldn’t give two flying ducks. “Oh.” He muttered, trying to brush her off. “But—! I got some new friends…so maybe…” The girl began, walking closer to him. “We could—start over?”

By this time, you came back. “I couldn’t find any of the snacks.” You huffed, not noticing the girl who was standing off to the side. The girl raised an eyebrow, her eyes looked to where your hands went. Your hands rested on Stone’s shoulder. He looked at you, before his eyes looked back at the girl. Almost telling to you something. You raised an eyebrow before looking over.

“Oh—! I’m sorry I didn’t notice you!” You said apologetically, your eyes wide. You smiled, walking over to the girl. The girl was confused, stepping back a little. “Hey—? Sorry who are you?” The girl asked, her eyebrows twitching. You smiled, titling your head to the side. “Oh! I’m Y/N, Stone’s girlfriend.” You said, grabbing Stone’s hand and held it tenderly. That’s all the girl needed, her nice act dropped. She looked at Stone. “That’s all I needed.” The girl huffed, before she stomped away.

You blinked slowly, confused. “Why was she all moody?” You asked, reaching up and fixing up Stone’s hair. He shrugged. “Just some weird girl I had a crush on back when I was a scrap. She always told me no. I think she was only talking to me because I’m rich now.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“Her loss.”

#ramshackle x you #ramshackle x reader #oneshot #x reader #stone x reader ramshackle #stone x reader #silly #ramshackle stone #fluff

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eric-the-bmo · 7 months ago

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Blood and Silicon ep19: A Few Stops Before We Go

[Summary: The boys prepare for the road trip to Chicago. Blake has a Moment, while Percy and Leo talk about religion and later fail with impulsivity.] @kentuckycaverats @sanguineasylum @zwoelffarben

CW: Self-harm, brief discussion of suicide (in terms of faking one's death) [yes ik this is a horror game, but im still putting those warnings here] ----

It's around 10:30pm; Blake asks Harrison for an extension of the trip, since Leo might need a while to process and grieve. He bargains for the extension to be a week, since he's had a wild month, and Harrison calls Leo over- Leo, who was busy writing in his notebook for planning what to bring on the trip, walks over, and they ask for his opinion. He agrees it's for the best (though in all honesty, he wouldn't have thought to ask for it by himself). Harrison says Leo's been trying hard; Just get it over with, then have a week to recuperate on the city outskirts. It's not good to linger in Chicago- don't come back there or deal with your mortal family once this is over.

They then discuss the way to fake his death via car crash. ["Well," Leo says. "Considering I have no experience faking my own death, I might need some assistance."] Both Blake and Percy aren't the most experienced with that though (Blake had simply gone missing), and they talk about getting a body double. Leo reveals he's got an eye tattoo on the back of his neck, and it turns out Blake knows some tattoo artists in Chicago (he might also be able to get into contact with someone who can help. Harrison asks if Leo had any issues in life others might know about- Leo admits he had gotten out of a bad relationship and can be kind of impulsive, so they settle on faking a suicide where he drives his car off into the water.

Circling back to the previous topic, Harrison says if they can't figure out how to get a body double in time... he gives them a number to call as a last resort, but if they call it the Camarilla might figure out they're there. Leo's expression changes as he realizes The Camarilla?? Runs his home city???? He takes out a cigarette.

Harrison drives off and Blake and Leo head over to Pauline to update her; she's not going with us, so we exchange goodbyes and "please be safe"s. She tells Leo that faking his death will be for the best, and that she and Blake will be there for him. They part ways; Leo makes a "see you next year" joke.

Blake calls a tired Wes and asks him to get a new phone for him, in the guise of him pretending to need to get a phone for a friend's Christmas gift. Wes agrees. Then Blake breaks his phone due to the whole "Hunters can track us" thing, and calls Nelida on Percy's phone. He tells her, in code, that there's Hunters around and to lay low for a while, stay out of downtown/their territory; she's incredibly confused at first and asks if he can visit later tonight to explain.

["Probably not. I got family to visit up in the warmer area for the holidays; You know how it is." "...What the hell are you talking about."] Blake says they can talk after New Years, and she says he better have a story for him when he gets back. They hang up.

Leo texts his sister that something came up with his plane ticket, so don't worry about picking up from O'Hare, but he'll make it to Christmas dinner. He waits a bit for a response (there isn't one, she's probably asleep), then follows suit in breaking his phone- but it takes him a few tries and he doesn't look cool at all while doing it.

Blake gets his bowie knife back from Leo, and the coterie gets taken back to their places to pack and prepare. Percy pays his rent for January early, packs some things, and thinks about getting another weapon. ["I've got a collapsible hatchet or acollapsible spear you can use," Blake offers. "Oh! That's rather funny, an ancestor of mine used to use spears." Percy says. "I'd be happy to take yours off your hands for a moment."] Leo packs some things as well, notably the presents and his vampire hunting kit- Upon a comment Leo makes about it, Blake is all "stakes don't have to be high-quality, you can also just use a chair-leg" (and Leo is offered by Percy to be taught how to do so). Percy asks if Leo knows how to use a gun- he doesn't, but reasons it'd be useful to learn, so it's agreed to teach him at some point during the roadtrip.

With everyone else taken care of, the coterie is driven to Buck's garage (a touchstone of Blake's) so our resident Gangrel can pack his things. Blake tells the others to not touch anything.

["You can look, you can maybe touch- But you don't take, and you don't leave." "I am not a petty thief, Blake," Percy states, "but of course." Blake looks at Leo- The Malkavian puts his hands in his pockets.]

Blake leaves the garage, puts his bike into a side garage, and heads off into a tunnel system to go back to his haven. -----

With the two other men by themself, Leo asks Percival about the Antediluvians. He learns they're the "apex of each clan," described by an anxious Percy, such as how Caine is the apex of all of them- and Leo, being an atheist, is thrown for a loop & is a bit incredulous over the statement that Cain from The Bible is the first vampire. Percy, in his own way, is all "well hey, we're vampires. Werewolves and warlocks exist. Why not stuff from the bible?" The prayer he did earlier is tied to his belief in Caine; upon Leo asking, he learns Percy was raised Protestant. He also learns Noddism is the study of this origin belief. [Percy: "Some people believe the wildest things [about Noddist lore]." Leo, deadpan: "Yeah, they sure do."]

Leo asks for tips on how to deal with the Camarilla. Percival advises to avoid interaction, and to not buy into any promises they'll try to make. Then Percy asks that if Leo's from Chicago, why didn't he know the Camarilla were there, or even what they are- didn't his sire tell him? Leo doesn't look at him, as always, and says there just wasn't time; He had to leave quickly.

Percy asks if Jeremiah has any affiliations with the Camarilla; Leo doesn't know, & says J might not talk to Percy even if he does manage to find him. The Ventrue says it's fine if Leo is hesitant to speak about his sire- it's fine to be suspicious of others, but don't be too closed off.

["You're never going to get far in this life by yourself." "...Well," Leo shifts his weight. "I'm sure I'll have company somehow."]

With the conversation dying out, Leo digs through his pockets for cigarettes and offers one to Percy. ----

Blake finally gets to his haven, activating one of those wall-mounted singing fish that's up near the entrance- Wes is startled awake from the couch and asks when the fuck Blake got that; about a week ago, Blake responds. He receives a new phone like he requested and fills Wes in on what's going on and what happened tonight as he packs some things- Wes is concerned about the hunters, and Blake implies it's been a while since he's dealt with them and trails off for a moment. Wes also has a fun reaction to finding out the fledgling Blake works with is from Chicago (and Wes says it's nice Blake is helping Leo out with the trip). They both tell each other to stay safe. Wes asks if he needs anything else, so Blake feeds on him a little bit before leaving. He pulls up his hat and hoodie as he leaves.

As Blake heads back through the tunnels, he can't help but think too much about everything going on; things are too similar. He feels almost sick, and leans against the wall with a mind swirling with repetitive memories and thoughts ("He's not here/It doesn't matter"). He activates his fangs and bites into his right arm, hard enough to get a point of aggravated damage. There's a moment of relief; not from the act or sensation of it, but because he did what needed to be done: punishment. He patches it up with a medkit, and makes his way back to the coterie.

---

Meanwhile, Percy is telling Leo that he personally doesn't view Caine as a God like the Church of Caine does. He recounts the story of Zillah to the Malkavian, citing that if Caine was a god, he would have known to not get tricked by the Crone. He belives Caine had this story written to have his childer remember the warnings against embracing for love- which are, as Percy states, that 1) Love withers upon the Embrace, and 2) There is an intrinsic horror in the bond. Leo briefly wonders if there were other loves Caine had, omitted from texts, or if she was the only one. The conversation circles back to Antedilvians as Percy briefly tells Leo a small handful of their supposed names; Saulot and Malkav, for instance. Leo goes back to the Zillah story and asks how Percy chooses to interpret the love withering; Percy states there's an imbalance between humans and Kindred.

["You have to find your own love afterwards." He's fiddling with his ring.]

Blake returns at this point, putting a fake license plate on his car, and leaves a note for Buck. He states he's heading out of town for a bit, so he borrowed some stuff, and he puts the note where he'd be able to see it.

The coterie packs their things into the jeep; Percy gets Kyra's spear as promised, and Leo is surprisingly gifted Kyra's pocket knife. Leo thanks him, but mentions he has no knife experience; he's a bit better with his fists, though, and Percy reveals he was a fairly popular boxer back when he was alive. Leo's a tad impressed. Blake presents Leo with three carved stakes for his hunting kit, and we all get into the car.

We head to a fitness center upon Percy's request, since he's at 3 Hunger, and he asks if anyone would like to come with- he's used to feeding with a pack. Leo offers to keep watch so Blake can stay with the car; he reassures the Gangrel that they can handle it (Percy adds it's a learning experience), and exits the car. Blake pulls Percy to the side before he heads off: ["Now as far as I know, just a heads up: I don't think your types usually hunts in packs."] Percy doesn't say anything about that. ----

Leo goes invisible to follow Percy as the two men eventually get past the front desk and into the gym's locker room; Percy's brought a gym bag as part of his cover. He waits until he finds a guy that matches his preferences (and Leo is impatiently wondering why he hasn't fed yet??)- and he finally finds one. He tells Leo to keep watch, and Leo confirms he heard this by tapping his shoulder. With a bad-ish roll, Percy's future victim sees him head towards his direction. Percy, who gained an extra Hunger along the way, acts as if he's going to open a locker nearby before grabbing him and starting to feed.

Leo soon realizes Percy isn't going to stop, though, and after a few fruitless efforts to get him to stop by tapping his shoulder, he decides the next best course of action is to punch him. Percy whirls around to look at him with frenzied eyes, absolutely more Beast than himself in this moment, and a part of Leo's brain absolutely panics; with a suddenly-awful headache he decks the Ventrue across the head. He does this again and Percy finally pulls away, regains himself, and apologizes for the slight frenzy. He sets his victim down on a bench, calls 911 with the guy's phone, and halfheartedly tosses it next to him. Leo has a million thoughts a minute running through his head over this whole thing, but stays relatively quiet. ["Don't linger on your feelings." Percy's trying to make his hair less disheveled. "You don't have to talk about it to me. Talk about it to Blake if it's going to bother you." Leo makes eye contact, staring daggers at him before looking away. "Let's just get out of here, yeah? We've been in here long enough." He turns invisible to sneak back out again.] ---

Blake is hanging up a call and sees them return: Percy is disheveled, and Leo looks shaken and kinda upset. He's tapping his fingers a lot. Blake asks what happened as the two of them get in the car, and Percy says they can talk while he drives. Blake is Concerned and turns on the car, muttering how he knew he had a bad feeling about letting those two head off, but nooo, no one listens to him.

[Percy finally speaks up. "If Mr Leo isn't going to tell you," He says, "I will for the sake of transparency. My Beast took the better of me; I took a little more tha-" "Ahbupbup- I thought we were gonna talk about it on the road!!" Blake peels out of the parking lot as Don't Fear the Reaper plays from the radio. "Let's make some headway!"]

Notes/Commentary:

WAgh ty Harrison for the extra week for Leo to grieve aaaugh

Leo canonically will Only use emojis if the person he's texting also uses them. His text to his sister had a little christmas tree emoji <3

We packed so much stuff....

LEO WITH GUN LEO WITH GUN HAPPENING SOON! Surely nothing bad will happen because of this. We're gonna get a Leo training montage probably /silly

BLAKE LORE??? CRUMBS OF BLAKE LORE???

I Cannot stress enough how good the tunnel/arm moment was. His player did an AMAZING job describing it all im Obsessed

Percy mispronounces Saulot since he's only ever read it btw, that's such a nice detail

Props to Percy for quoting the Book of Nod?? hello??

Love how Leo had a knife but decided to hit Percy instead. Ultimate Panic Mode said "taking out the knife is too many steps. Punch him" /lh

The locker room scene is also making me Insane btw, yall have no idea. There was also a huge vibe dissonance bc Life is a Highway was playing in the background.

Props to Leo for actively making eye contact, lets go king

This road trip is gonna be TENSE at first lmao, leo continues to go through The Horrors <3

#i actually had a lot of fun this session! I hope i can keep it up for next time! <3 #eric finally speaks #blood and sliicon #vtm chronicle #Leo West

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levithestripper · 1 year ago

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You’ll Always Be My Prince: Chapter Four—The Flowers

go to the previous chapter || go to the next chapter || back to the series masterlist

chapter summary: it’s been two years since the incident on driftmark. two years since aemond lost his eye and claimed the she-dragon, vhagar. since then, rhaella and aemond have begun to grow up. aemond has made leaps and bounds in his swordsmanship, whereas rhaella finds herself facing a foe not even he can protect her from.

chapter warnings: rhaella waters’ pov, creator chose not to use archive warnings.

length: 4.3k || read on ao3 || join my taglist

a/n: huge apologies for taking nearly eight months to get another chapter out! i hope it won't be that way in the future, but we'll see. i've written and rewritten this chapter dozens of times, and i've finally found success with this version of it. i hope you like it as much as i do! please let me know what you think!

ik i usually provide chapter warnings, but i don't want the tags to spoil the chapter! it's worth it i promise!

and a huge thank you to @procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics for letting me include her oc alethia stahl in this chapter! i highly recommend you go check out alethia's story in woman of the watch!

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Helaena asks, holding up an elegant white dress over her head. Adorned with lace and embroidered flowers, it’s a grand wedding dress suitable for any noblewoman. “Do you see the beading along the middle, Rhaella?” The princess lowers the dress, exposing her face, vibrant violet eyes shining in excitement.

Rhaella nods, looking the dress up and down. She covers her boredom and discomfort with a smile, not wanting to rain on Helaena’s parade. “Yes, Princess. Do you like this more than the last one?” At this point, the pair—well, Helaena—have been trying on dresses for no less than an hour, trying to find the perfect dress for Princess Helaena’s upcoming wedding to her brother, Aegon.

Helaena thought for a moment before responding. “I don’t know. The last one fits funny.” Without saying another word, Helaena stands. Ridding herself of her loose-fitting dress, she pulled the wedding dress on over her head. She doesn’t put it on properly, holding the waist taunt. She spins in a circle in front of a full-body mirror. “I like this one!” Helaena turns to look at Rhaella, who returns her gaze with a smile.

“It looks beautiful on you,” Rhaella hums, pulling her knees to her chest. The skirt of her dress slid down her bare legs, bunching at her slim waist. Now one-and-two years old, Rhaella’s no longer permitted to wear the tunics and breeches she prefers outside the Keep. Wearing them made her feel sick, her skin crawling and her stomach churning with every step she took wearing one. She does her best to ignore it, however. It doesn’t work very often. Helaena switches back to her previous pink dress, laying her wedding gown on a table at the other end of the room.

“We must find you a dress, too,” hums the Princess with a smile, sitting with her legs crossed on the floor across from her. “It will be fun, Rhaella!”

Rhaella forces a smile. “You don’t have to do that; it’s your wedding; focus on you.”

“No, no. You’re my friend; I’ve got to take care of you, too!”

Rhaella knows Helaena means well, but her stomach can’t help but churn at the thought. “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

Helaena nods enthusiastically, grasping their hands within her own. “It’ll be fun! I want to hang out with you more. We’re cousins, but I hardly know anything about you.”

She stifles a chuckle. She had only started spending time with Helaena after Aemond expressed his worries over Rhaella being alone. Going into it, Rhaella thought she’d hate it but found the opposite. Assuming her cousin to be a quiet and rather uninteresting girl, Helaena proved a fascinating conversationalist if given a chance. “If…If you’re sure, then okay,” Rhaella sighs, squeezing her hands back.

A knock sounded at the chamber door, and Helaena let them in. It was her mother, Queen Alicent. “Have you picked a dress, sweetheart?” she asks, hands folded in front of her. Helaena nods, standing. She picks the dress up to show her, smiling behind it. “It is a wonderful choice, my dear.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

Alicent offers Rhaella a polite smile. It did not look forced but did not appear as she wished to converse with her. Rhaella returns the gesture. She turns back to her daughter. “It is nearly noon. Come for lunch when you have finished; your father wishes for a family meal.”

Helaena nods with a hum. Quietly, she slips the dress onto a hanger, handing it to one of her handmaidens. Another of her handmaidens helps Helaena into a fancier dress. It was still loose fitting, as the princess despised tight-fitting garments. The solid gold background has mini dark green diamonds dotted along it, her skirts reaching the floor. The previous handmaiden weaves two braids into Helaena’s hair. She threads both plaits into one, pulling them together to form a half-up, half-down look. “See you later,” Helaena says, waving goodbye to Rhaella as she leaves her chambers, handmaidens following.

Rhaella didn’t know whether to follow her or not. It’s clear The Queen did not view her as family, or else she would’ve spoken to them both. I am only a bastard, after all, Rhaella thinks. I would not be welcome there. Left alone with nothing but her thoughts, she left Helaena’s chambers, gently closing the door behind her. Knowing she doesn’t want to sit alone in her room feeling sorry for herself, Rhaella finds herself roaming the twisting pathways of the Keep’s garden.

The gardens of the Red Keep are vastly different from the singular garden within High Tide’s walls. High Tide’s garden has exotic plants, symbols of Corlys Velaryon’s many conquests. In contrast, the Red Keep’s many gardens were outfitted primarily with plants native to King’s Landing and the surrounding regions. The garden she found herself in—the royal one—was the fanciest of them all. Surrounded by flowering bushes and tall trees with multicolored leaves, she recalls a memory of her and Aemond here a few months prior.

“Do you like it here?” Aemond asked.

Rhaella looked up at him. Aemond had grown taller these past few months, shooting up like a weed where she had yet to grow an inch. They leisurely walked arm in arm, enjoying the peacefulness around them. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you like it here? Like, in King’s Landing?” Aemond’s tone implied there was more he wished to say but kept hidden within himself instead.

She looked up to the cloudless blue sky. “Most of the time. Why?”

Aemond sighed quietly. “It’s just…I’ve noticed that I’m your only company. I never see you spending time with anyone else.”

“I don’t really care for the others here. They’re either jerks or boring.” Rhaella doesn’t give an entirely honest answer. Even if she tried to branch out and make friends with others here, few are willing to speak with her, let alone become an acquaintance.

Her words made Aemond chuckle, a smile spreading across his lips. It made Rhaella giggle as well. “You’re not wrong.” He knew there was more to the situation than what she said, but he had learned to pick his battles wisely.

“Why do you ask? At least, why now? It’s been this way for a while,” Rhaella countered, now looking him in the eyes again.

Aemond doesn’t keep her gaze. “I don’t want you to be unhappy.” Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks, startling Rhaella. He gazed at the tall, flowered hedges in front of them. The flowers crawled up the hedge on thin vines, their blooms a vibrant purple, just like Aemond’s remaining eye. He plucked it from the vine and turned to Rhaella, tucking it behind her ear. “I don’t have as much free time anymore,” he said softly, voice laden with a subtle sadness.

She took his free hand within both of hers, his other hand busy brushing the hair from Rhaella’s face. “You don’t need to worry about that, Ae.” She squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Besides, you’re a prince. It’d be strange if you did have free time.”

Aemond nodded in agreement, chuckling softly.

“In a way, I have it better than you do,” she teased, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Oh yeah? How so?” He asked with a smirk as if daring Rhaella to prove it.

“Being a royal prince, such as yourself, you have all these duties and standards to uphold. Your life’s filled with noise, whereas I get to sleep past breakfast and stroll the halls in peace.” Her words scared away the looming sadness that had begun to form over Aemond as they both erupted in giggles.

Aemond placed his hand atop hers, squeezing it back. “I suppose you’re right, Rhae,” he said, a smile returning.

As they resumed their stroll, they soon found themselves at the end of the pathway. The path spat them out at the center of the garden. When faced with the heart of the garden, the winding pathways seem trivial, as if they belonged to some minor lord. The center expanded further than Rhaella could see, every inch flooded with rare vegetation and expensive plants, an obvious flaunt of House Targaryen’s wealth and decadence.

“Do you know the story of this place?” Aemond asked. Rhaella shook her head no. Aemond led them to a bench, sitting down as he began to tell the story. “After Aegon the Conqueror was crowned King, he returned to King’s Landing. At the time, the city was no more than a muddy army camp with a small town surrounding it. In his first years as king, Aegon built what would become this city. He couldn’t finish it, but his successors did. When Houses swore fidelity to King Aegon, many gifted him with extravagant plants and things like that. King Aegon’s successors planted many of them here, in the royal garden, to show those sworn to them that they cherished their gifts.” Aemond pointed to the flowerbed behind them, at an exotic-looking flower, the petals a rich blue. Rhaella twists around to see what he is pointing at. “See that?”

Rhaella smiled and nodded, “It’s beautiful.” She turned her head to look at him. “But what’s so special about that one?” she asked.

Aemond smiled back, unmistakably delighted she asked. “That was a gift to King Aegon from his Hand—Orys Baratheon—when he was named Lord of Storm’s End.”

“So?”

“So,” Aemond repeated, “It represents that the Baratheons and Targaryens have been friends since the beginning. Since before the beginning, even. Orys Baratheon came with King Aegon from Old Valyria to Westeros.”

“Yes, but what does that matter? Tons of Houses have their gifts planted here. What makes that flower special?” Rhaella asks, confused at the point Aemond was attempting to make.

The pair sit correctly on the bench again, albeit facing one another. Aemond took Rhaella’s hands within his own this time. “It matters because you’re half Baratheon, Rhae. That flower,” Aemond gestured toward it with his chin, “symbolizes that you belong here just as much as everyone else.” He brought their faces close, his forehead pressed against hers. “I know it; you know it. Everyone else just has yet to see it. But they will. I promise they will.”

They sit together like that for a while, breathing the same air and existing in the same space. Rhaella eventually pulled him in for a hug, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her face pressed into the crook of his neck. “Thank you,” she whispered in his ear.

Rhaella hears someone shout behind her, pulling her back to the present day. She found herself sitting at the same bench she sat on with Aemond, the flower behind her in full bloom. Birds chip from their perches in the trees, chatting with pretty songs. The sky was clear and bright, just like that day months ago. Looking over her shoulder, she sees Aemond waving at her from a balcony overlooking the garden. Seeing him, Rhaella races closer to the balcony so neither would have to yell at the other.

“Rhae!”

“Hey, Ae! What’re you doing? I thought you were having a family lunch!” she calls up, a hand shielding her eyes from the sun that beat down on them.

Aemond leans against the railing, gazing down at his friend. His silver hair has grown longer in the past years, the ends brushing the middle of his chest. He was beginning to grow out of his childlike, boyish face and into that of a handsome young prince. Seeing her friend grow up before her eyes stirs something within her that Rhaella would rather ignore. Aemond grins at her as he speaks. “Father was called away for a small council meeting!” His arms were crossed across the railing, giving him an air of confidence. “You busy?”

She shakes her head no.

“Well, me and Aegon have to train with Ser Criston in the courtyard, and I thought you might want to come watch. I’ve gotten better since last time!” A lock of hair falls from behind his ear, fanning out like a beautiful silver curtain.

“Oh yeah?” Rhaella grins back, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Oh yeah,” Aemond returns her sarcasm with confidence.

Rhaella crosses her arms over her chest. “Guess I’ll just have to come watch you then, huh?”

“Guess you gotta,” he hums, teasing her. “See you there, Rhae?”

She nods, humming back. “Can’t wait to see you fall on your ass, Ae!” Rhaella says with a giggle, disappearing underneath the balcony.

Rhaella makes her way to the courtyard Aemond spoke of. It is the same yard Aemond trained in years ago with his nephews, Jacaerys and Lucerys, so Rhaella had little trouble getting there. Climbing the stairs to the balconies surrounding the courtyard, she sits at one of the many terraces bordering the yard. The area wasn’t crowded, surprising her, as many ladies of the court found watching the two Targaryen princes spar peak entertainment. Maybe I’m just early, she thought. It would be nice not to deal with swooning women, though.

Aegon appears in the courtyard first. He has cut his hair shorter in the past weeks, most likely in preparation for his upcoming wedding. He, too, had grown taller, now towering over Rhaella. She doesn’t interact with him often, but when she does, he isn’t as crude to her as he was in the past. Perhaps his newfound responsibilities have begun to force maturity onto the boy. Aemond enters right after, spinning his sword by his side. He wore a special eyepatch with two straps to keep it in place as he fought. He and his brother have since graduated from wooden swords to dulled metal sparring swords.

Ser Criston came out last, wearing his arming doublet and thick breeches, arming himself with a sparring sword. He calls the boys names, gaining their attention. The brothers stand beside each other in front of the knight, Aegon showing far less enthusiasm than his brother. Aemond and Aegon are roughly the same height now, which means Aegon can’t look down on his little brother anymore. “Today, we will continue working on swordplay and evasiveness. You both have improved tremendously, so I will stand aside during sparring, assessing your progress silently. Notes will be afterward, as I want you both to evaluate the situation and correct your mistakes without my input molding your decisions. Understood?” Both boys nod. Criston backs away, his body parallel with the weapons racks scattered along the sidelines.

By now, the balconies and connecting walkways have flooded with people, predominantly noble ladies and their handmaidens. Down in the courtyard, a few lords watch from the sidelines. Rhaella can’t make out most of the lord’s faces, save but one. Ser Harwin Strong. He hasn’t been seen at the Keep for many a year for reasons unknown to Rhaella. Beside him stood a woman Rhaella had never seen before. Leaning over the railing for a better look, the woman wore her long, dirty blonde hair loose, letting it fan across her strong shoulders. She wore a simple—but undoubtedly elegant—blue dress. Rhaella can’t make out the details of it, but she can make out accents of green and red throughout the fabric.

The colors of House Strong. Ser Harwin’s house, she thinks. Rhaella leans back in her seat. Are they married? Wouldn’t I have heard someone talk about the wedding of the son of a prominent House like theirs?

Footsteps sound behind her, and Rhaella turns to see Helaena walking up the stairs. She sits beside her with a smile, hands smoothing out her dress. The clanging of swords echoes off the walls, paired with the occasional pained grunting or a frustrated yell. Rhaella glances at the stranger next to Ser Harwin, then at Princess Helaena.

She would probably know something of her. Rhaella shifts in her seat, facing her body toward Helaena. “Can I ask you a question?” she asks, fingers fidgeting with the hem of her skirt.

Helaena’s eyes glitter with intrigue. “Mhmm,” he hums with a nod.

“You see Ser Harwin? Down there in the training yard?” The princess nods again. “Who is the woman next to him? I’ve never seen her before, and even from up here, I can tell she’s not from the South.”

Princess Helaena leans closer to the railing but maintains a respectful distance from the edge to prevent dizziness. When her eyes land on the woman in question, Helaena mumbles to herself. Rhaella caught parts, but what she manages to piece together doesn’t mean much to her.

She tries again with—what she thinks—is a simple question this time. “Is she Ser Harwin’s lady-wife?”

Helaena responds quietly, “I’ve heard whispers about her from my handmaidens. Rumors say she washed ashore one day, and Ser Harwin rescued her.”

Just as Rhaella moves to respond, a searing pain erupts within her, unlike anything she has experienced before. She imagines this is what battle must feel like. A white-hot blade piercing her tender abdomen, slicing the muscles up her thighs and across the tops of her slender hips. Her hands grasp at her belly, desperate to make the unending pain stop. A wave of nausea washes over her, adding another layer of misery.

Helaena looks at her with panic, then with a sympathetic understanding. She calls over her handmaidens, who were chatting quietly amongst themselves and the other ladies-in-waiting. Helaena speaks to them, but Rhaella could not hear her, as the pain blinded her to anything else. Two handmaids help Rhaella stand, her legs shaky as the jelly on her breakfast toast. Once Rhaella is safely down the stairs, the remaining ladies do their best to dab away the bloody splotch left behind on the expensive cushioning.

The handmaidens rush Rhaella to her chambers and into the washroom. They carefully help her disrobe. Her skirts are soiled with blood, the same with her inner thighs. Rhaella lets the women do as they please, allowing them to manipulate her like a marionette doll with its strings cut. The women speak to her, asking her questions and if what they’re doing is okay, but Rhaella doesn’t understand them. As if her head were underwater or as if they were speaking a language she didn’t know. She felt herself guided into a bathtub. The warm water feels good against her skin. One of the women asks permission to help her bathe, and Rhaella mechanically nods consent. Her voice sounds distant and far away as if this were only a bad dream Rhaella hopes to wake up from soon.

The gentle touches of the handmaidens help to rouse Rhaella from the trance she had retreated into. Her heartbeat echoes in her ears as her chest heaves from the residuals of a hyperventilation fit she doesn’t remember falling into. She feels dried tear tracks on her cheekbones. The pain hasn’t ceased but has let up slightly, allowing her to rebuild the strings of self-sufficiency. Still shaking, she grips the sides of the tub. Her voice warbles when she finally manages to speak. “What—What’s happening? What’s wrong with me?” she asks, voice cracking with unshed tears.

“My name is Joanna, m’lady,” says the handmaiden, giving her a higher-ranking title than she deserves. “You’re just fine, okay? Nothing’s wrong with you.”

Rhaella nods helplessly. “Then what—what’s happening?”

Joanna kneels beside the tub, holding Rhaella’s trembling hand. She strokes her knuckles soothingly. “Has no one taught you of womanhood?” Rhaella shakes he head no. Joanna looks at her with a tenderness a mother would give her daughter. It fills Rhaella with a sense of safety, almost. “Well, when a girl gets to a certain age, our bodies change from that of a girl to a woman. What marks that change is the first appearance of their moonblood.” As she explains, she continues to comfort Rhaella, rubbing her arm. “Another mark of this change is beginning to grow breasts.”

The more Joanna speaks, the more Rhaella wishes to cry. Unable to hold back her emotions, tears roll down her cheeks again, running along the dried tracks already there. Joanna hushes her, guiding the young girl to her bosom and cradling Rhaella as she cries. “Shhhh, shhhh, it’s okay, you’re alright, honey. You’re alright,” she soothes, rocking back and forth ever so slightly. She continues this until her tears stop. Snagging a towel from the shelf behind her, Joanna helps Rhaella out of the bath, wrapping the fluffy towel around her. “Let’s get you nice and dry, yes? That sounds good.”

Rhaella feels a discomfort so great that she knows no words to describe it. It felt as if she was being destroyed from the inside out. Joanna reassures her that nothing is wrong, but deep down, Rhaella knows something is wrong. Yet, despite everything, Rhaella has never felt as safe as she does now. It does nothing to dull the flames of her discomfort, but it helps Rhaella stay present.

Dressing went by in what feels like a blur. Rhaella wears a simple chemise with the comfiest socks the handmaiden could find. Joanna teaches how to line her undergarments with a cloth to prevent bleeding through her clothing, and Rhaella thinks she understands the concept. The other handmaiden left at some point prior, but Rhaella had yet to notice. There is a knock at the door, but apparently, it is merely a courtesy knock as the door swings open without waiting for an answer.

On the other side stands Queen Alicent.

Unlike this morning, the Queen looks at Rhaella with the same sympathy Princess Helaena and the handmaiden Joanna look at her with. As Alicent enters, Joanna stands and curtseys; the Queen acknowledges her, then dismisses her with a wave. The handmaiden pulls the door shut behind her, ensuring it doesn’t slam.

Rhaella watches Joanna leave, then turns her gaze to Alicent. She watches her sit beside her on the end of the bed. She feels small in comparison. “I apologize for my appearance, Your Grace,” Rhaella mumbles, staring down at her lap and sniffling, unable to hold her gaze.

Cautiously, Alicent brings a hand to the small of Rhaella’s back, rubbing up and down her spine in an attempt to comfort the poor girl. “Oh, honey, there’s no need to apologize. I’m not here as your Queen; you need not fret. Speak plainly, child.”

She allowed herself to relax, leaning into her side as she’d seen Alicent’s real children do. Rhaella sniffles, nose still running from the recent crying session. “Thank—Thank you,” she stutters out.

“How are you faring, honey? Helaena’s handmaiden told me what happened.”

Rhaella shrugs. “I don’t…I don’t know. Everything hurts and feels wrong. Like this shouldn’t be happening.”

Alicent continues to rub her back. “The first one is always the worst. How much did the other handmaiden explain to you?”

“That it’s called a moonblood, and how to keep from bleeding through my clothing.” She looks up at Alicent from her place nestled in her side. “And that I should expect…” Rhaella doesn’t finish her sentence, simply gesturing towards her chest area and hoping she’d understand.

She nods. “And you know what this means?” Rhaella shakes her head no. “It means you’re becoming a woman. Your first moonblood symbolizes the Gods preparing you to have children one day.”

A shiver rushes over her. Being only two and ten years old, Rhaella had yet to consider having children. Her mind races at the thought. Bastards like me don’t get husbands from significant houses. I don’t even know if I want a husband! It seemed impossible to her. It is something only trueborn ladies with noble husbands do. “What if I never have children? What if I don’t want them?” she asks in a panicky voice, looking up at Alicent.

Alicent sighs before responding. “It is not up to us to decide if we have children. We must put faith in the Mother Above to bless us with the gift of life. Whether she does or not is up to her and the path she has set us on.”

“I pray she never blesses me with children, then,” Rhaella grumbles and rolls her eyes.

Rhaella’s irreverence doesn’t faze Alicent; she has grown used to hearing it from Aegon. “Perhaps you are yet too young to understand.” Her words sound patronizing, but something tells Rhaella she doesn’t intend them to. “A piece of advice: fill a stocking with barley and warm it over the fireplace; it will help ease the pain.” With a final squeeze, Alicent makes her way to the door, bidding Rhaella farewell and good luck.

With the Queen gone, Rhaella is alone for the first time since her moonblood began. Her whole body ached. She can’t get comfortable since every time she shifts to try and get a semblance of comfort, thick clots of blood rush from her. Part of her wants to cry again, but no tears come to let her. Gingerly sliding off the bed, Rhaella waddles to the washroom, too terrified of leaking to walk normally. Replacing the linen lining to the best of her abilities, she discarded the soiled cloth in the tub to wash later. When she finally returns to bed, her legs feel as if she’s run to Highgarden and back. Crawling into the middle and curling in on herself, Rhaella found a bit of lasting solace in the coolness of the sheets. It doesn’t take away from the pain, but it helps her feel as if what the handmaiden Joanna said had some truth to it. It is barely mid-afternoon, but Rhaella feels the claws of slumber grasp hold of her. Despite the sun that filters in through the curtain-clad window, she falls asleep quickly, hugging a cold pillow to her chest.

taglist: @procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics, @criminalskies, @hyojae99, @poisonedsultana, @schniiipsel, @moonlighttfoxx, @losstboi, and @eleniblue.

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boxwinebaddie · 6 months ago

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hi uncle nina! sorry if this is kinda overbearing, but you havent posted anything today so i just wanna check in and make sure youre doing okay! <3

oh my god, sweetheart!!! this is not overbearing AT ALL! this is extremely thoughtful and makes me feel extremely validated. <3

i'm sorry for causing concern, but ty for being concerned about me.

because the school year is coming to a close, things around me at work have been pretty intense, so i've been tossed around like a ragdoll the past week and haven't had much time to write as a result. i also haven't been sleeping very well and rush a lot in the mornings, so i've forgotten to take my mood stabilizer the past couple of days which makes me v sluggish, zombie-ish and unpleasant in general. :/

...when i am like that, as a weird way of sparing you, i suppose, i try not to post on here too much because it feels quite shitty indeed for you to get a notification for my blog just to watch me bitch n moan.

however, i have taken my medication today and feel bad for fumbling kyle week...as we know i'm not really good at holding myself accountable or making deadlines. oddly enough, it's not that i don't want to answer my questions, it's just that other than not being able to really find the time recently, i just can't find the right...words?

( this ask is long and irrelevant, but read if you wish. ilysm. )

or, rather, i don't feel knowledgeable enough the subjects to answer? specifically in the areas of my tsot/tfbw styles and ncuniverses, i feel a little insecure because i don't know sp or the games as well as many other people do, so i'm trying to speed watch episodes/watch speed runs of the games online so i can at least keep some canon intact?

i also am finding that creating and understanding how high fantasy universes work is...difficult? lmao? also because i did crazy stuff with mutations and science and politics in my tfbw ncuniverse, that's also complicated and out of my wheelhouse...tldr: i have big ideas, but i'm not very good at backing them in fact or doing analytical stuff.

but...iiiiii need to, lmao. mental illness, but if i make a universe it has to be fully realized, it has to all make as much sense as possible, echo the canon, enhance it, feel real and be fluid...so if i'm not around too much it's because i'm trying to bolster myself with my sp knowledge ( ik, i'm a fake fan ) and watch/read/research high fantasy concepts and superhero/scientific fiction/dystopian stuff...so if anyone has any recommendations for me to watch or learn from in those realms, i'd appreciate it. again, this is intense...but i care a lot about my craft.

and specifically crafting something worthy of all of you, that makes sense, lives and breathes, reflects the show we love & is interesting.

ANYWAYS!!!! with that said, i got a cool ask about whether or not i have a gunslinger kyle? which? not yet? BUT YOU'RE A GENIUS BABY I AM SOOOOO ON IT!!! please let me cook and watch some things because actually, oh my god, i am very down. i'll update you. i might make a board to gather ideas, omg, omg, it'll be SPICY.

i got an ask about princess kylie, which, bless you, i am also still developing her character, i am going to pour over the books, watch some GOT, do some mapping out, watch some intricate dnd play throughs...and have some answers for you very soon: hang on, baby.

( she's little, bitchy, prissy and does need to be babysat, i'm afraid. )

got some on jersey i'm excited about! sorry for writing that ask meme about the sour skittles like that, again, writing has been trying for me lately and i had a concept that i wanted to share but wasn't sure how to express that. if you guys are alright with getting my asks in the form of notes some times i would appreciate it! anyways, keep your eyes out for some of those...if kyle week runs into next week, sorry.

idk...this is so long. all this to say...i'm really sorry? i haven't been a very solid creator lately, but i'm a little unstable rn. but i am working on it and i hope to be back on the horse by tonight and share my notes at least and show you guys how my brain is working.

in the mean time, please direct as many questions as you would like in the direction of riley, teri and ana who not only are epic writers but have been an epic support system/helping me get back into things.

thank you for caring, thank you for reading...keeping up with this blog and the questions and creating constantly is sometimes challenging, but very rewarding. i promise that i am not neglecting my asks or all of you because i don't care, its actually because i care very much and only want to give you stuff that is awesome and cool and well researched. so, again, just give me a second to get my barings and while it kind of eats at my bad bpd brain i might try and share stuff with you guys that's half baked because the feedback might help.

tldr: i love you, this made no sense, i'm a mess, but i am fine.

miss you and love you. happy kyle week.

-uncle nina

#sorry this is such a mess #tldr i am busy and a little unstable and my writing has been blah but i'm very into intense world building rn #and i want to do more research and figure stuff out before i try to randomly dish out answers #but i'm thinking now that maybe i should just tell yall what i'm thinking and see how you feel? idk #i do work hard on my character stuff so i hope u enjoy it #but yeah high fantasy is specifically hard for me so i'm watchin movies and reading books and stuff which is dorky #accuracy means a lot to me and its the only way i get relaxed when i feel comfortable in my characters and worlds #political stuff and sciencey stuff is also hard #i also dont even know how accurate that is to the tfbw plotline in actual sp so im trying to watch the show and play #the games idk im worried none of this is canon enough #bc i dont want it to all be fart jokes and asisnine but i do want them to be accurate to the show at least a little #nina stop bastardizing the sp canon #otherwise i am excited to answer my kyle questions i promise i have just been frazzled ill try to do stuff tonight #thanks for sticking with me and i really hope this makes sense i feel like i sound crazy i just...want to do good work #thats all i dont like to do work that feels shitty or lazy and in order to not do that i take a while to think

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offmychest-official · 1 year ago

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really sorry for the long story, i didn't mean for it to turn out this long and in the end ik it's not really that huge of a deal but i feel like i need to get it out somewhere...

basically i didn't tell my friend how upset i was at them for pretty much ditching me when we had plans, and i don't know how to tell them. i don't think they get how important the plans were to me, but at the same time i feel sort of stupid that it was that important to me, and idk what to do about it.

my close friend, I'll call and i (both 19) went to the same high school, but they took a gap year for mental health reasons before starting at the same university, so they're a freshman and i'm a sophomore despite graduating together. i was really excited they were starting at the same school as me, both because it meant i would get to see them more often and because it would give them some (in my opinion) much needed distance from their very overbearing and somewhat controlling parents. (they also agree that their parents kind of suck but i didn't tell them i felt that way until they had already expressed a similar sentiment). this sudden distance from their parents also meant i was expecting a certain amount of "rebellion" while we were at school, which isn't a problem at all to me as long as they're staying safe.

anyway. we had been trying for a while to plan an activity where they could meet of my college friends, since i had already met their roommate and some of their friends. the perfect opportunity came when some of my favorite creators released a piece of media that i had been waiting for for several years and my college friends (despite not really liking that specific type of media, god bless them) agreed to have a watch party with me and asked if i wanted to invite my friend. my friend immediately said yes and seemed super excited. i was incredibly excited for this hangout and could not stop thinking about it for like two days straight. i couldn't wait to introduce my friends in person (they had met over text before and seemed to get along pretty well which was promising) and i absolutely could not wait to share this thing with them. the series it's part of is one of my main fandoms and i've had several periods of intense hyperfixation on it. i was also definitely really intensely hyperfixating on this new addition to the series and i was really really excited to share it with my friends. (note: i had already watched it once before the watch party with my friends, which they all knew and it wasn't a problem. i watched it on my own bc we couldn't all get together the night it came out and they told me not to worry about waiting any longer because i'd been waiting for its release for like 3 years already which i really appreciated.)

so the day of the watch party rolls around. i'm practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. then i see my friend messaging in a discord server w our friends from back home. basically the gist of the messages was pretty jokey, like "haha i'm gonna do something stupid" and then a pic of a tattoo parlor (for context this was the weekend of friday the 13th and there were still some specials going on in the tattoo shops around town). i responded pretty jokingly back pretending to try to talk them out of getting an impulse tattoo. as the conversation went on though it got more obvious to me that they were only kind of joking about the tattoo, which turned into me only kind of joking about maybe not getting impulse tattoos that you might regret later, especially since they said they wanted a tattoo of a character they had only pretty recently become a big fan of and i was worried they might not always like the character enough to have a tattoo of him (although ultimately i don't care what they get a tattoo of, i'd just hope they thought it through for a bit first. tattoos were also something i kind of expected them to get once they were away from their parents but i'm a little concerned the pendulum might be swinging too far the other way and i don't want them to do anything too impulsively that they might regret later). the tone stayed pretty light the whole time at least from my perspective (i asked my friends later too and they said they had also thought it was pretty jokey) and the conversation ended with me thinking that they probably actually did want a tattoo but weren't going to try to get one that day as the line was still very long, they had a test to study for, and we had our watch party later in the afternoon.

later that day though, my friend texted me basically saying they were sorry but with both the tattoo and needing to study they didn't think they were going to be able to make it to the watch party. this obviously caught me a little off guard because i had thought they were joking about getting a tattoo that day even if they had looked into it a bit and they had even said the line was around 4-6 hours long so it most likely wouldn't happen that day. i said something like "wait you're actually getting the tattoo???" and they responded that yeah they were, it was a really good deal. i asked if they had thought through the tattoo and they said they had been thinking about one for a little while (like a few weeks) and had planned on going to the shop the day before but it not working out for some reason. i don't have any issue with them getting a deal on a tattoo but i wish they would have told me in advance or at least not chosen to do it on the same day as the watch party, and i essentially said as much, but i don't think they realized how upset i really was that they decided to skip out on something that, even though it was kind of silly, was actually really important to me. i thought about rescheduling the hangout but i decided that i wanted to spend time with my other friends even if i couldn't introduce everyone. i feel sort of ridiculous that i was so upset at this but like i said, i had been thinking about this watch party for days and i just felt really caught off guard by this, especially when they said they had been thinking about getting a tattoo that weekend for a while before this, because it made me feel like they didn't care to tell me soon enough to reschedule our plans. it really hurt. in the end they couldn't even get the tattoo that day, and they came halfway through the watch party to join. it was nice for them to meet everyone but it just didn't feel the same, and it was sort of frustrating that they came in halfway through and only watched the second half with us.

it's been a couple weeks and i haven't really brought it up to them, or told any of our friends about it, but i'm still a little sore about it. the friend i usually talk to about this kind of stuff is their friend too and i don't want to cause any drama or anything in our group. if they had to miss it because they needed to study, i would totally get it. but they saw how long the line for the tattoo shop was, they knew that they wouldn't be able to get the tattoo and come to the watch party that day, and they still chose to wait in line for something that didn't even end up happening until like a week and a half later. i feel bad that i'm this hurt over a stupid watch party but it sort of felt like they chose a tattoo of a character they had only liked for a few months over me, and we've been friends since middle school. idk, it just hurt, and i don't want to "start drama" in the friend group so here i am talking to you.

#off your chest

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ihavedoorinsurance · 2 years ago

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big long post abt bokutachi-kun bc i have worms

so. a little over a week ago, SoapOpera46 (or Yoli-chan) blessed us with this video and i would like to talk abt it at length. piece by piece. this is the true definition of sadan. so much so that it's going under a readmore (if those even matter anymore. i hear fumblr truncates posts automatically?) anyway

full disclosure: i didn't plan any of this. what's to come is basically word puke, off the top of my head, with no organisation or structure to it.

you won't be interested in this unless you're clinically insane. if you're looking for worthwhile opinions on the video, i recommend browsing the comments section. they're short, sweet, and easy to read. nnnnow, without further ado.....

I KU ZO

i'll start off saying i don't know shit about Dream (YUME-SAN as he is so graciously credited in the vid description)! not a damn thing! all i know is he's a Minecraft YouTuber, and up to just yesterday i didn't even know he made music! what seems to be very emo music if this song is anything to go by.

i looked up the lyrics seperately bc tbh i couldnt extrapolate anything from that singing. bokutachi-kun's a star talent and all bless his heart but i needed expert assistance. also according to the blurb at the bottom of the page i referenced, this song references the struggles of depression and ADHD! and myopia, most tragically of all.

here's a student copy.

what to note before we forge onwards: this is contextualised to us by Yoli-chan as a look into Bokutachi's history, saying she: "feeling it fit bokutachi-kun no past very much!!!"

i'm not sure how far in the past this is, but i have some vague ideas pinned on the information that, expressed by Episode 10, Raku and Koneko have already graduated (or dropped out of i'm not discounting that) college by the time the mainline story is in effect.

you also see these silhouettes

of what i assume to be the girls? at around 1:22, so i'm giving it anywhere from 6 to 14 years ago.

and if that seems like a wide ratio that's because it is!! i have no way of knowing what year of high school he's in, when exactly he graduated, how long it's been since then, or anything. i mean he's a fairly young man so i'll take that into account but that hardly helps

(also grant that none of the story takes off until after Raku and Koneko have left college long enough for Raku to call her fellow alumni "old" friends....also wtf what did they major in i've been asking this for years..you don't see them with jobs ever I MEAN PERHAPS KONEKO MAJORED IN NURSING THE COVID PSA DOES INDICATE SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL SO IDK)

but damn if any of that actually matters. you can't even peg the year by identifying hiis fatback monitor and Windows 98 ass OS

he is using some..EQUIVALENT of early msn messenger, maybe that puts this in the ballpark of 2000-2003

ik the Covid PSA isn't like properly canon or anything but i'll bet Raku is still using Win98 well after the OS's discontinuation anyway (it went out of service in 2006 if that helps.)

so if Bokutachi's old enough to be in any year of high school in 1998-2000 (assuming this computer is any indication. it might not be!), i'd wager a guess he's anywhere between 24-30 years old by the time NNSG properly starts (again assuming, that 2010 is the actual year the show takes place. once again, it might not be! it's at least post-Hatsune Miku, judging by the Christmas episode). this leaves room for college, but i doubt he went.

kind of what i already assumed, but it's fun trying to put these pieces together.

also can i just say i'm intrigued by the "nya, rawr" adlib in the beginning? that is Hitoshi's Thing, as we well know, but additionally, in the very beginning of the video, there is a box of pocky on the floor of the hallway.

pocky would happen to be one half of Hitoshi's favourite breakfast (plus ramune. this fuck drinks soda and eats cookies for breakfast what is wrong with him.), so i wonder if he had some knowledge of Hitoshi already this early on. we're operating on the premise that this is Bokutachi's younger self singing, right? did Hitoshi go to his school? we don't see him anywhere unlike Raku and Koneko, so idk. maybe "nya, rawr" is just a popular, cool phrase to say in Amerijapan.

potential cool thing: the one pocky stick upside down and sitting outside the box but near it might allude to Bokutachi himself. you do get the feeling he's lonely throughout the song, he's not got one close relationship with a real live person. not in school, not at home...

let's start talking about these lyrics.

I wear a mask with a smile for hours at a time Stare at the ceiling while I hold back what's on my mind And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine" And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine"

so i like this set of frames

you see him happily chatting away, but abrubtly he gets tense and stops himself. only after his mood swing is acknowledged does he try to perk back up and affirm to whoever's asking that he's "just fine". clearly he feels some kind of pressure to bottle up his emotions.

the facade begins to wane slightly here: despite the open ears he remains reticent. another thing: he seems to just be very guarded when he's around people. like physically!

you see him holding himself in the midst of confrontation here, earlier he'd balled up his fist because he got upset thinking about something too long... his stance in general is very tight in public, from what i can tell.

here, he's got his arms firmly placed at his sides as he turns away from whoever it was that confronted him earlier. shortly afterwards when he's sure he's not being looked at, he drops his little half smile.

in the first image of this post, again at around 1:22-1:25 you see him holding his bookbag straps and powering through the hallways the longer he continues to walk, like there's a sense of urgency there.

and here, he's around people that are likely just minding their own business but he's just. not comfortable in any way. the song mentions at this point:

"Always bein' judged by a bunch of strange faces Scared to go outside, haven't seen the light in ages"

even though it seems he's being ignored for the most part. everyone who's addressed him thus far in the song has only ever asked him if he was okay. i have to wonder if he's being gossipped about behind his back for being an outcast and is well aware of it.

"haven't seen the light in ages" strikes me as metaphorical. light as in hope. light as in a reason to keep going.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE MOMENT TO HIGHLIGHT THESE LYRICS

But the fact is I can never get off of my mattress And all that they can ask is "Why are you so sad, kid?" (Why are you so sad, kid?)

my guy has been in bed all day long, just awake and in bed dawn to dusk, tossing and turning unable to get to sleep. or even will himself to get up. he hasn't eaten, drank, brushed his teeth, showered, just. bed. and the first thing his (probably) legal guardian thinks to ask him when he FINALLY manages to find some strength is why he's so sad.

it'd be nice to interpret that in a compassionate way. i think best case scenario, his guardian(s) don't know how to help him and want to talk with him. approaching the subject of utter disengagement from the world is difficult when you haven't lived it, and i can't imagine mental health resources are plentiful in early 2000s Amerijapan.

but also he doesn't seem to trust his legal guardian(s)?? he's just as guarded with them as he is with strangers, look at this at around 0:56

he looks anxious trying to address either of them. the way he's looking back and forth between them it's like he's trying to get a word in edgewise but can't.

they're not particularly given identifiable features. they look fairly similar to the "strange faces" he sees judging him, except they're bigger. they cast a longer shadow and they're no comfort to him at all. helps that the lyrics accompanied are:

"And it just keeps on pilin' It's so terrifying"

which implies to me he's constantly in the habit of racking up shames in his legal guardian's eyes. like they pick at him frequently and find reasons upon reasons to scold him, and remind him of everything that's going wrong. maybe the pressure he feels to perform normalcy is derived from them, because if someone finds something "wrong" with him, they're going to pick and pick and demean him and lose faith in him. and that hits too close to home for him.

(i'm willing to bet he is/was physically punished too. like, shot in the dark, but that makes sense to me with how stiffly he walks and how clammed up you see him around ppl. i might be projecting though but hey. never said i was sure.)

I'D LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY GUY IS JUST CHRONICALLY ONLINE TOO

morning to night, he finds himself whiling away HOURS on the computer. time spent online (on messaging clients and what have you) outweighs time spent on homework, and studying, possibly eating. anything else that might beg his attention is forgotten.

anything else that might stress him out is forgotten when he turns on the computer. he can mask (OHOHOHOHO) his struggles online because there's no burden of expectation or obligation.

there's a freedom in his anonymity, in how he can choose his company, and lie about being happy, and they'd believe him. no-one asks questions. there's no pressure. and that makes him "happy" so to speak.

i say that because only when he's messing around online do we finally see him peaceful enough to go to sleep. the fog on his brain is lifted when he turns himself into this person that's full of confidence and takes life easy. and even though he might be faking it...

Been wearin' a smile for so long, it's real So long, it's real, so long, it's real

that'll happen to you when you use another skin to cope with your own shortcomings. i'm acutely aware of this in particular. this might be what some people refer to as irony poisoning? when you do something enough times, even if it's only for show, it becomes habit, and your habits aren't you as a person, but they can certainly shape you.

i wonder if he joked about dark sshit like kidnapping people and committing felonies, etc. to try and make himself let go of the fear of being judged by others. make himself stop feeling empathy so he'd stop acting so careful, thus unchaining himself from his own thought paralysis. plenty of people do that (and some become criminals later on, go figure)

anyhow later on we have a mental breakdown from about 1:31 to 1:39 with:

But I've been places So I'm okay-ish, so I'm okay-ish Yeah, I'm okay, bitch"

coupled with what seems to be a violent start from a dream of some kind?

not sure if this dream IS or is connected to the following scenes of walking through the school hallways + out in the grass, but that would actually make a lot of sense considering "haven't seen the light in ages" compared against his internet addiction. like he found a distraction and thus has little incentive to leave. i imagine he's skipping school and holing up in his room or something.

the effects of what he's doing seem to be catching up with him. you can see him high strung when he gets out of bed, and when he answers to what's likely his guardian(s), it snaps him.

i get the impression he either woke up with all this tension, then realised he slept through the morning and made it worse, OR. the dream sharply reminded him of his current circumstances and THAT made it worse.

maybe he's spiralling because he feels powerless. to stop himself from making bad decisions, from disappointing people, from pushing people away, from underachieving, from misusing his time, from taking his life for granted, from being alone...challenging these doubts about your own agency over your life is tough when you don't know where to start and also you're a teenager.

he's clearly wracked with despair over this but can't act in his own best interest due to closing off all avenues to recovery thanks to never opening up to anyone. god the more i think about it, the more i consider "why are you so sad, kid?" to be accusatory. if you feel singled out in being honest, of course you'll try to avoid that.

also note:

But the fact is I need help, I'm failin' all my classes

damn straight.

jesus that report card. look at that thing, that is straight Fs all the way down. i mean we know he hasn't been doing his homework but god ALL F'S??? IN EVERY SUBJECT????? you'd think he wasn't going to school at all, which kind of lends itself to my idea that he's just altogether not going. or when he is there, doing literally anything else but the work. god damn. relatable

that combined with his outburst, that epic door slam?? that might be what pulls him into the doctor's office later on. like his legal guardian(s) are just sick of his shit and so they get him psychoanalysed.

A FINE ANALYSIS FROM DR. ^w^ PHD, FUCKING "NORMAL JA NAI", WHAT A GENIUS ASSESSMENT. I'M SO GLAD THEY COULD TAP INTO THE HEART OF THE ISSUE AND ADDRESS THE ROOT CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING IN A THOROUGH AND SPECIALISED MANNER. BASED

no seriously even though that shit kills me every time i see it, i like the implication that they only vaguely diagnose symptoms, write a prescription, and send him on his way. like what's really wrong with him is being overlooked by professionals because the mental health awareness just isn't there. as exemplified by:

"They think that I need glasses"

which is a lyric i laughed at but also...that's kinda true to life. you'll say to your school's counsellor, everything that sings to the tune of someone with executive dysfunction. a spectrum disorder even. and they'll be like

"hm. move em up. they cant see the board that's why they're not taking notes right. have you talked to an ophthalmologist". offering bandaid solutions for bigger issues. and speaking of bandaid solutions, DRUGS

"I just really wish that I could pass this (Wish that I could pass this)"

That's what the mask is That's what the point of the mask is"

SDGLKMFKFKLDHNFGJKNGVF I RAN OUT OF IMAGE SPACE LMAOOOO

okay so basically from 1:49-1:59 Bokutachi goes through a moment of crisis where he laments his fate of being labelled as "NORMAL JA NAI". either he doesn't like the things the medication is doing to him or he's skeptical of taking them at all. regardless those shits are going inthe TRASH. my guy is like "fuck big pharma" out here

he is not in a stable frame of mind at all throughout this video. who knows if those pills would have helped. we'll never know because he doesn't trust them. he doesn't want to think of himself as someone who needs that kind of thing.

as far as he's concerned he doesn't! he has his chat group, he has FUCKING MINESWEEPER; if he were to try and "fix" himself now, what would happen to those spaces? would he still be able to navigate them? find the same joy in them as he once did? they're all that matters to him! he's become accustomed to the isolation and this is his only reprieve (read as: escape) from a hostile environment.

(how hostile it really is, that's sort of up in the air. i'm thinking he's got the makings of a dude with some kinda cluster A disorder. ADD and autism are also on my mind, depression because of the song's origins itself, but eh. i digress.)

you can see him calm himself down once it's time to boot up the computer again at 2:00.

so it would seem, he's already given up on trying to be more than what he is right now. change is scary though, i don't blame him. especially when you feel like it's being forced on you when you didn't ask.

maybe this is him trying to regain some kind of control, but...in a decidedly unhealthy way. by sticking his head in the sand and acting like nothing's wrong. burying the idea that he needs help makes him feel less like a problem that needs to be solved and more like a well adjusted person that's just misunderstood.

at 2:09 he pulls out his planner (i refuse to believe that's a smartphone LIKE COME ON THE TIMELINE. PLEASE) and you can kind of watch his stomach churn knowing there's shit to do but his alter ego doesn't care.

his alter ego isn't concerned with that bullshit. "nah i'll have time. i'll do it later. and if i don't get it done tonight, who cares? nothing's gonna happen to me and i don't gotta answer to anybody. i'm not scared." he's developing an apathy to responsibility b/c it frustrates him he can't manage it.

i have to ask if this is where his rebuke of social acceptability took root.

you even see him at around 2:21-2:26 pull out his medical records and write "daijoubu" next to the diagnosis. which also slays me but next to "NORMAL ja nai" it kind of reads like "not being normal is okay".

that's a perfectly fine stance to have when you're just a little kooky! just a tad silly! eccentric even! i don't know if that's something you should be saying to wave away EVERYTHING that could be affecting you (and potentially others if it goes unchecked), just because it makes you uncomfortable to stare it down! that's dangerous!! particularly when you don't know your limits

i'm also kind of loving 2:28-2:32??? where he raises his head to his legal guardians and he's smiling for the first time in front of them.

but now we're well aware all his smiles are performative. he's wearing the mask for them now too.

the fake it 'til you make it policy seems to be his safety net. in order to avoid being treated and seen like a walking blemish, something to be fixed, he's slowly grown to be more comfortable acting well to do, or at least unaffected. then people leave him alone. when he's loose and devil-may-care, he's allowed to be himself. which would be fine if that were honest.

in truth, he's extremely emotional. he's sensitive. he's scared and wound up. he's angry and he's self conscious. he cannot function in the way the world wants him to, and he can't stand his own inaction in the face of his self-inflicted demise. but when that's too shameful to bear, you don't seek anyone out. imagine how much more painful it would be to have someone see you flounder. they'll poke fun. they'll judge.

it's like he sees the world telling him to be better, and his response is to create what he thinks is an objectively better person. even though at the end of the day he is still who he is.

i wonder if he starts wearing that mask permanently because at one point he'd become aware there was no running from himself. with this being his only way to reconcile his failures, it was inevitable.

we end the animation with him going to sleep and his maegami "masked" self looming over the end credits. smiling is equated with wearing a mask consistently throughout the song, so i find the image of him going to sleep with a smile on his face pretty solidly telling me that he's starting the transition into becoming the Projected Bokutachi as opposed to Plain Bokutachi.

this is the beginning of his descent into a more dangerous, yet exciting and outgoing person. he is mentally unwell and owning it. i don't know what happened between high school and the NNSG plotline (or god forbid, what happened between childhood and adolescence), but here we definitely introduce some catalysts for his face-heel turn.

and now i have even more reasons to reconsider this little rat man's true motivations and character depth.

arigatou gozaimasu Yoli-chan (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

#nnsg #nyan neko sugar girls #nnsgposting #bokutachi-san #no one is going to read this!! and what's more i actually highly encourage that you don't!!!!#look at this shit is longer than the Half Blood Prince #im really just rambling but like god damn you dont understand #how good it is to be validated with this #after eight years my curiosity has been rewarded #and now to go even further beyond and make even MORE fanfic #god i should show off my theory if were going this far with it right #yeah ill do that. at some point though not tonight #i need fresh brain

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