#i've been riding this high since yesterday evening

[bookshelf-in-progress]

There's no moment of writing triumph quite like the moment when you've been struggling over a plot problem and you suddenly find the perfect solution that makes everything fall into place.

[copperbadge]

This is not to sniff at packaged food in any way, because cheap, uniform, nutritious, premade food is important and necessary. And despite what your local tiktok orthorexic may tell you, packaged food is still capable of providing solid nutrition.

That said, I've been making my own bread for about twenty years, and for the last ten or so it has often been easier to make bread than buy it, solely because I don't need to leave the house to do so, and I live alone so a decent loaf can last me a good ten days. Being able to make ones own bread in this modern era is a product of privilege -- the resources to buy the ingredients (especially high quality flour, not cheap), the time and space to bake, the stamina to knead or equipment to make kneading easier -- my breads improved a lot when I got a good stand mixer, and those aren't cheap. But also, to make a decent edible boule you can get by with flour, water, yeast, salt, and time. Throw in a little oil and you can make pizza crust; add in kneading and a bit of sugar and you have bagels.

It did somewhat change how I eat, because homemade bread is often a little difficult to make a sandwich with, but I was never a huge fan of sandos anyway. These days I often don't even make loaves -- I make rolls or bagels, or flatbreads.

But all of this is to say that because I'm now accustomed to eating my own bread, which is necessarily small-batch and produced without stabilizers that make commercial bread so soft and uniform, I am starting to struggle when I do buy bread because the flavor and texture often feel off. It's not that it's objectively bad food, but it's very different from what I'm used to, which is unpleasant. I've been aware of the issue for a while but previously even if the bread wasn't as good to me as my own, it was edible and convenient, so it was fine. Making your own hot dog buns is a pain in the ass.

I just bought a loaf of Italian bread, reasonably fresh, a brand I used to eat regularly, because I wasn't feeling up to baking anything. I've been making toast with it mostly. But yesterday morning -- admittedly while dealing with some nausea -- I bit into a sandwich I'd made with it (cashew butter and strawberry jam) and thought, "this feels like eating upholstery fabric."

I haven't been able to eat any more of it since. The soft, dense texture, the specific preservative flavor, the mouthfeel. I tried to eat some toast just now and had to spit it out because it felt like buttered brocade and I started to gag. I'm kind of mad about it, honestly.

The bread won't go to waste -- if I can't eat the rest of the bag I'll dry it out and crush it for breadcrumbs for fried chicken or a panade -- but it's both sad and funny that I have functionally baked myself into a corner where packaged bread is no longer even an option.

It feels like I'm becoming one of the middle-aged eccentrics I used to know when I was a kid -- older people or couples in my church, sometimes parents of my school friends, who were just kind of oddballs, hippie leftovers, what I still think of as Berkeley Weirdos (affectionate) even though Berkeley has long since gentrified. The lady who didn't have a functional oven or stove because she ate raw vegan or the family that converted their old station wagon to biofuel but kept the rear-facing back seats with no seatbelts and would give us death-defying rides to the community pool in them. I'm already growing my own basil because I eat an unlikely amount of pesto for one person. My signature potluck dishes are kiwi dip or egg-free meringues.

I don't mind, exactly. I loved the Berkeley Weirdos and the community they built for us kids. But it's definitely not a place I imagined ending up.

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

I HATE finding new babysitters. And what's stressing me out the most about this round is that this is my first real first day of work in 9 years, since before I was married or had kids. Every other time I've had childcare issues in the past, it was while working with people with whom I already had an established reputation as a reliable and conscientious employee. So if I was supposed to go into the office and could not find a sitter for the morning (which has historically been difficult to impossible), I would just explain that to my boss and come in an hour late and work through lunch and it was fine. I can't do that at a brand new job where no one knows me! To add to the pressure, my new boss lives abroad and is only in our office for a few days at a time roughly every other month or so. He is in next week so if I can't start on time because I don't have a sitter it's going to mean starting off everything remotely.

All attempts to find a sitter from our local community this time have been a total bust. The only leads I got were an 18-year-old who didn't seem mature enough and couldn't do all the hours anyway, and someone who only wanted to do the one morning a week we need and charge a criminally high rate for it. There was a girl we interviewed in November but didn't go with because she was more expensive, and I reached out to her, but she just got engaged and said she can't even decide if it's something she can do until after next week.

So I expanded to some non-Jewish-specific local groups and got the pro-pal girl (I ended up just not following up with her because maybe she's fantastic and not antisemitic but I don't need the stress of trying to figure that out right now), someone whose message was incoherent, and someone who could only do the morning we need and Fridays.

Then moved on to care.com (which I had to pay to even be able to talk to anyone!). I included specific instructions in the job ad to ensure applicants could in fact follow them (if you can't follow a simple instruction in a job ad I don't trust you to follow instructions about my kids, especially allergies-wise for 2yo). Only 5 out of 27 people actually followed them. Most people you can tell just copy and paste their same little blurb into a zillion jobs and see what lands - the things they mention are totally irrelevant to the job at hand and they don't include the things I asked them to mention.

Of those 5, one isn't available to start soon enough so I didn't interview her. I interviewed one on Tuesday who seemed sweet enough, but she only provided one reference (even though I asked for a couple), and that reference isn't getting back to me. I asked her to nudge that reference and/or provide another reference and she did the former. I find it a tad weird that she doesn't have one single other person whose contact information she can provide and that's making me doubtful. She's also not available for the morning slot.

I interviewed another person yesterday who I liked pretty well. She has to think about whether she could do the morning slot due to distance. I asked her to send references at the end of the interview and she said she had to leave right away to pick up her son from the airport but would send them later that night. She hasn't sent them, even after I messaged her with a reminder (which message she hasn't replied to or seen).

I have 2 more interviews today, one of whom only "might" be able to do the morning shift. Thing is, that is the first shift I actually need on my first day of work (though I hope to have whoever I hire do a test run the afternoon before while I'm home).

And those are all my leads! After pretty much spending most of my daytime hours on this since I received the job offer late last week! Wth I hate this.

I'm also really anxious about having someone else, especially someone not familiar with this area/community, in charge of getting 5yo on and off the bus (we have not had a sitter since he started riding the bus). Most days everything is fine with the bus, but a few different times the afternoon bus has accidentally driven straight past me standing there and I've had to sprint down the block screaming after it to stop. If a kid doesn't get off the bus they take them back to the school, which is quite a schlep. Likewise if they miss the morning bus. The Friday afternoon bus also works a bit differently (general stop rather than door-to-door) and doesn't have the same level of tracking and I had multiple times at the beginning of the school year where I literally had to run around the neighborhood after it because they didn't let my son off at the stop and drove away before I could say anything. It hasn't happened in a good while now, but I'm still anxious every time until I see him coming down off the bus. And the Friday afternoon bus comes much closer to 2yo's pickup time than the other afternoons, and 2yo's daycare's dismissal process is really inefficient, so you really have to be on top of getting to him on time in order to be able to make it to 5yo's bus stop on time.

[itsuki-minamy]

"K – LETTER STORY"

SILVER: "ANSWER"

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

Yatogami Kuro was sitting in front of the tea table, worried.

It all started with a postcard he received yesterday from his brother, Mishakuji Yukari.

On the back of the table, placed on a tea table, was a photograph of the brothers posing as if they were blending into a picturesque foreign landscape (Kuro only knew it was a European street corner), as if it were a painting, and above you can see the elegant strokes of the fountain pen added to it.

The content is simple, with a few lines of recent information and a postscript.

For those who have been keeping up to date, there are anecdotes about where he stayed, how his roommate has grown, and his interactions with the other person who appears from time to time. His short, witty one-liners always remind him of Mishakuji's versatility.

(This is good.)

What bothers Kuro is the P.S., just a word.

He said,

"Thanks for your answer."

"......"

The address of the place where he will be staying is also written on the front of the postcard. Regardless of the moral argument for hanging his head, that nerve is very fraternity-like. But anyway,

(Should I respond as requested?)

His head bowed at that difficult question.

The battle of the past had finally been resolved, and the dispute should have been resolved... Not all of his bad feelings have dissipated... but at least he is no longer the subject of blatant denial... but he can't even say that his relationship is good enough to casually exchange letters.

(However, it is rude to leave it unattended and something is wrong here...)

He suddenly realized this and instinctively hit his knee.

(Yes, from here too!)

Like his brother, he wrote about people close to him. That's perfect for a return sword that doesn't add unnecessary emotions. He's sure everyone will be intrigued, even his brother.

(Let us begin.)

He grabbed a notepad and pen from the desk next to him and started writing a draft.

[Adolf K. Weismann, also known as the ''Silver King'' Isana Yashiro, whom I once considered his master and who now stands by my side as a friend, earned a strange nickname like ''German-Sensei'' in honor of assuming his position as professor.]

(Mmm, that's strange.)

Just by writing the minimum of information, and even a few notes, he filled a space the size of a postcard.

(Well, Shiro is a special man... if that's the case.)

He carefully tore off one note and wrote on the second.

[Neko transferred to Ashinaka High School with his real name, Ameno Miyabi, and causes commotion around her regardless of whether she uses supernatural powers or not. To clean up after that, Shiro and I ran out...]

(Hmm, what do you mean?)

He filled out another page.

(I guess Neko often acts like a cat...)

In that case, he would like to broaden the scope a little more and write about Kukuri Yukizome... no, his brother doesn't know about her, nor about Toru Hieda... a person who was involved with the "Green King".

"No, why?!"

Unbeknownst to him, a cry of agony escaped him.

The advice came slightly from behind.

"I think it's best to let go of unnecessary pretensions and just write as you want."

"It's not an unnecessary pretense. It's the way you should behave..."

After answering normally, Kuro turned around.

Before he knew it, Shiro had returned home and was stacking the books he took out of his bag on his desk. Likewise, Neko, still in her human form, was curled up in bed and yawning.

Kuro avoids unnecessary interactions with these two people he knows well (although he thought that, if he didn't take off Neko's uniform quickly, it would take him longer to iron it).

"I found out why I was trying to talk back to my brother."

Shiro let out a sigh.

"Well, I've been thinking about that since you got the postcard yesterday. When I got home, I found you moaning in front of your notebook, so I can understand why you're worried about the wording."

"Umm, squishy, ​​squishy, ​​squishy, ​​all over again. Nyahahahaha."

Riding a horse, Neko lay down and adopted a series of poses that seemed to imitate another person.

Shiro hesitantly told his friend, who accepted his misfortune with a bitter face, an inference that could be another blow.

"I was also thinking about this all day... that person named Mishakuji Yukari."

"What?"

"Maybe he added that word to mock Kuro, in anticipation that you would worry like that?"

Kuro was about to say "Gah!" and he sat upright.

Intuitively, he was sure that Shiro was right.

That's what his brother might be able to do.

A few days later.

Kuro eventually recovered and, feeling depressed and confused, wrote only a poem of his own in response.

[There is no communication between us, but we have a supportive relationship.]

[my-mt-heart]

“The Book of Carol” Teaser

Well, that was some serious whiplash yesterday. Totally not suspicious. Not suspicious at all. I'm still uneasy about the show's leadership, but the teaser is by far the best reassurance we've gotten in a long while and Caryl fans are happier than I've seen them in over a year, so I'll take it. Hopefully we can expect exciting content like this to roll out consistently until S2 airs, but in the meantime, here are my thoughts on what we have...

Daryl's opening VO, "I dunno know if this is the place I'm supposed to be," is actually a line from the leaked 201 sides. In them, Daryl has a conversation with Isabelle, the details of which I'll discuss sometime after the finale airs, but what's relevant here is that it juxtaposes Daryl's conversation with Carol in Find Me. Whereas Daryl insists in the cabin that he does know where he's "supposed to be," implying that he belongs with Carol, something isn't feeling right about France or the "surrogate family" (🙄) the teaser immediately cuts to after that line. I don't know the context of the next lines of VO, "I've been thinking about all the people I left behind, wondering if they're still thinking about me," and I'm not entirely sure why Daryl assumes Carol may have moved on (need I remind you of the lunch date in S11), but obviously he's homesick. And, thanks to that very unambiguous tagline, we understand why. Daryl and Carol are each other’s home. They need each other to be happy.

Needless to say, Melissa is so good in this. She doesn't need gimmicks or anything artsy to make her performance stand out. Carol's agony over Daryl is right there in her eyes, her determination to find him clear in her voice. I especially love her soft "yes" to the man I suspect will accompany her to France (you can see his reflection in the rearview mirror when Carol is in the car surrounded by walkers). He seems reluctant to take up a cause he isn't emotionally invested in, meaning he doesn't know if he wants to embark on what's bound to be a long, dangerous journey for someone he hasn't met i.e. Daryl. So basically, he's asking Carol if she would do it if she was in his position and she assures him that she would. The dialogue is a bit convoluted to stick in a teaser, but the takeaway is supposed to be that Carol will do anything to find Daryl if there's hope he's still alive. Because, of course she would. Daryl should know that, just like Carol should know he'd worry about her even if she told him not to. They love each other. They told each other they love each other. These two have a lot of insecurities to sort out when they finally reunite, and I hope we get to watch those deep conversations take place when they aren't making out.

Carol riding Daryl's bike and carrying his crossbow are nostalgic, the first reminding me of when Daryl rode out of the Commonwealth in the series finale only this time I'm not fighting the urge to hurl something at the TV. I'm actually cheering Carol on as she sets off to find him and hopefully give him a stern talking to (I let you go on our road trip alone and you end up in France??) The second is reminiscent of No Sanctuary when she finds his crossbow at Terminus, and we all know where that led. The question is how will this reunion top it? Hint: there's only one right answer.

I wonder if collecting pieces of him keeps her grounded along the way, similar to how Dog became her connecting point after she and Daryl had their big fight in Find Me/Diverged. I'd ideally like to see flashbacks of Daryl teaching Carol how to ride and/or how to use the crossbow since it's never been established that she can do either. My expectations aren't high unfortunately because history tells me TWDU loves to take shortcuts. That was particularly the case in S11 as far as Caryl were concerned. If that continues though, it's going to be a major issue for me. Don't just toss out gimmicks you think will get us talking for a bit. Don't leave out the connective tissue. Earn what you want to show us.

The title screen is an eyesore. For one thing, there are way too many fonts and for another, "Daryl Dixon" is the larger text despite the season centering on Carol. Like I said yesterday, Melissa and Norman are on equal footing. That is confirmed, but visuals like this give the appearance that Melissa/Carol carry less weight than Norman/Daryl which is complete bullshit. The original spinoff was going to be hers just as much as it was his, so why wouldn't that be the case now? That's a rhetorical question because I know the answer. It'd be really nice if AMC stopped punishing Melissa and her fans for their mistakes last year.

But to end on a positive note (I was doing so well, wasn't I?), the teaser is a good sign for Carol's/Caryl's story, and I'm excited about S2 again. With some help, I'll be keeping a close watch on how the season is marketed going forward. If the whiplash continues, if EPs keep insulting their audience, well…why stick around for it 🤷🏻‍♀️ But if hints such as that tagline persist or ramp up, we might actually be headed for explicit canon 👍🙏❤️

(I see my inbox is about to explode. I'll get to what I can tonight).

[ashs-nerd-den]

Senior Prefect

So today was the induction day for the 1st years and senior prefects play a huge roll in that in my school. And despite my brain going to war against me yesterday, I actually had a great time!!!

I was in an hour early, because I am an anxious little fuck, which ended up making it all the better. I got to chat to my favourite staff members and teachers (If you are not making friends with the care takers in your school, what are you doing?) and I got to get so much work done and check out the new building in my school (the one that was built specifically because of the accessiblity issues with the rest of the school, which means that the door in this building can actually fit wheelchairs so wheelchair users can go into more than 2 classrooms ((took them long enough, 2 wheelchair users have come and gone from this school, doing the whole 6 years)) and all of the signs have braille on them, which was so exciting, mainly because its accessible for any future low vision students, and selfishly because I'm trying to teach myself braille)

Because I was there so early, I got to perfect my spiel, and gather updated resources, so by the time that the rest of my team got there, I was running point and they were able to follow my lead. I was the person who got to welcome almost every single new student + their guardians, direct them to the sports hall where we gave the opening talk, give them a quick run through and be their first source of encouragement (and several members of my team were very thankful to me for, in their own words "carrying" them)

I got assigned to such a lovely class to mentor, and the tutor for that class is the whole school's favourite teacher (I also helped her to decorate her room and it is the most beautiful, feel good classroom in the school). All of the students were so friendly and loads of them felt comfortable enough to open up to me about their worries and fears, and some of them were even cracking jokes, assigning themselves as my adopted little sisters🤣🤣🤣(slanted laughing faces)

All of the workshops were so fun, and I got to just have the craic, while also working (the dopamine and seratonin were so high that I managed to go the longest on my feet that I've managed since my health started declining)

So many parents recognised me from different things that I've gotten involved with, from running the English department's section of the open day, from different community events, from my mam's business, from around the town, and one of my neighbours (The biggest sweetheart) had been pouring her heart out to my mam about how scared she was for her son to start secondary school, but when she saw me, she was so happy and was exclaiming SO joyously to her kids "Look, its (deadname) doing the welcoming" and she was practically bouncing!!! She is the most adorable person when she's so happy, we all love her to bits.

And during the parts where I wasn't needed, me and the rest o the senior prefect team just hung out having fun and lending different teachers a hand with different activities.

And everyone was so appreciative. All of the teachers were raving about us (including one of the vice principals who told me that there was "No better woman for the job" in reference to my work), and I came across the caretakers talking about me in specifics, and when they saw me they were so nice and were saying that I need to go for head student next year, and bigging me up and all🙈🙈🙈 (monkeys hiding their face to reference the blushing) and one of the SNAs (Special Needs Assistant)* was saying how she always meant to catch my name with all of the "great things" that I'm doing around the school and she was DRENCHING me in compliments. And a load of parents were talking about how grateful they were to me and how I'll be coming back as principal in twenty years time, and specifically pointing me out to the principal and all.

Overall, it was absolutely INCREDIBLE!!! I was in my element, I was riding the high of the energy and I got to help so many people, which made me feel so good about myself, and because pharmaceutical painkillers don't work with heds, all of my pain relief is based around either holistics, heat pads, or creating enough happy hormones to make my brain dull the pain. So I got to do what I love, have a great time, make a load of people so happy and have the lowest pain levels that I've had in a LONG time (I didn't even notice that my feet were torn up from being on the go in brand new shoes, or half of the patella subluxations)!!! This was AMAZING!!!

*Do not complain to me about the terminology. That is the name of the job over here and it is widely accepted as a suitable term here. It is a job name, it is not about you

[gtlurker]

Here is chapter ten of inhuman, a bit of a violence warning, bit of blood, enjoy!

Chapter ten

Isabelle

My arm really hurts. I collapse against my brother's thumb as some blood drops from my arm to his hand. The metallic taste coats my tongue and my fingers are stained red. With shaky hands I drop my tracker that had previously been implanted in my forearm onto damiens hand in front of me.

“Holy shit isabelle! Did- you didnt- holy shit!" Damien says, his voice an octave or higher than normal, his usual calm and aloof manner completely gone. Instead his expression is just one of shock and horror.

“What? What did she. . .”

Ronan's voice trails off as he stares at my injured arm.

“That's… oh gosh…”

my head begins to feel dizzy as I lean forward, trying to brace myself on something. Damien catches me with his index finger, giving me something to hold my balance.

“I-i took my tracker out…” I mutter, grabbing the gaping wound on my arm and trying to stop the bleeding. ¨we can see that.” Ronan says as he reaches over and opens the glove box, pulling out a bandaid the size of my whole body. I'm too dizzy and light headed, trying to focus on what he's planning to do with the bandaid. Ronan and Damien have a small, argumentative conversation about whether or not the band aid is actually going to do anything for me, which ultimately ends up with my entire arm wrapped in a bandaid.

It wraps around my arm seven or eight times and covers from my shoulder to my wrist, keeping my arm straight. I find myself sitting back in the cup holder I was in just yesterday. I think back to yesterday, it's only been twenty four hours since Ronan broke into the lab and stole me from.

So much has happened since then. I was hit by a car, an accessory in arson, i ate a burger, i saw my brother for the first time since i went to the lab, i almost got shot, and i bit a tracker out of my arm.

I sigh and lean back, considering whether this was all worth it. Even if i'm safe here with them, i'm really not, i don't even know ronan or atlas. And damien,

damien´s changed.

I don't know how, but something about him is different than it was ten years ago. And even with the tracker removed from my arm, my parents aren't going to stop looking for me. I look up at my brother and find him wrapping his bullet wound from a few hours ago in gause. I wince before looking away again, instead choosing to look up at ronan.

He's driving the car with a hard expression. I choose to watch him while he drives. His dark hair framing his face and falling just below his ears caught my attention most of all. I like his hair. I decided that instead of sulking and being scared the rest of this car ride, that I'm just going to focus on ronan.

His face is pleasant to look at. His nose is a tad bit too big for his face being a feature I find my eyes settling on a lot. So far ronan hasn't been all that bad, besides from forgetting who damien was and shooting him in the arm, he's been nicer to me than most people i've met recently.

But to be fair the bar isn't all that high anyway. It's odd that I find myself too trusting of these people I hardly know. The reason that both atlas and ronan don't make me feel threatened is that I can't figure it out myself, but I like the feeling of safety they give me.

For the rest of the car ride I go between sitting in Damien's hand and sitting and resting in the cup holder. My arm is still aching but I'm pretty sure the bleeding has stopped.

“Let's stop at the gas station, I'll buy snacks.” Atlas chimes from behind me, and I turn around to face him. I've been enjoying being able to eat whenever, and the mention of stopping for food when only been driving for an hour and a half fills me with joy.

“I'll pay.” Damien cuts in as Ronan pulls up to a pump and unbuckles. “As an apology for breaking into your house.” he says, but his voice doesn't sound apologetic at all.

Both Ronan and Damien get out of their car to do their respective tasks, leaving just me and atlas. “Hi.” he says, leaning against the front seat of the car. I nod, an awkward silence falling between the two of us.

“This is, the same car you hit me with.” I say in a poor attempt to fill the silence. His eyes widen and look away, a guilty expression on his face. “Yeah. . . sorry about that.” he looks away, and it dawns on me that this might not be the best conversation filler. “No, it's fine, I'm not hurt,” I sigh, before smiling a little bit, “it was kinda cool, I've never been hit by a car before.”

he gives me an odd look, before starting to laugh a bit, his light hair falling onto his face. He looks like he should need a haircut, but the way he styles it makes it look nice. I chuckle and cross my arms over my chest. I pull my hair into a ponytail, holding it up with my left hand. Atlas notices and leans down closer to me. “Do you want me to braid it?”

Damien and Ronan reenter the car to find me sitting on Atlas's lap, as he struggles to braid my miniscule hair. They both give us an extremely confused and slightly concerned look. Atlas wasn't able to properly braid my hair, but twenty minutes of effort managed to get it out of my face, and that was something that I very much appreciated.

[nowoyas]

Koi no Yokan 5: find reasons to say yes (Nishinoya Yuu x Reader)

First - Prev - Next - M.list - Ao3

Summary: The Karasuno High School volleyball club works towards finals. You spend this time deciding how you feel about your new clubmates.

Warnings: blanket series warnings (general background family stuff)

Word count: ~4000

Yachi yelps whenever you address her unexpectedly. And she's never expecting it, so she always yelps. It's cute in a skittish, scared-bunny sort of way.

This particular instance makes you laugh. "Did I do something to make you scared of me, or…?"

"N-no! What did you, um—what did you need?"

It's the first day that Hinata and Kageyama haven't come for Yachi since you got roped into this manager thing. Variously they have and haven't dragged you into studying, too, depending on the day. You guess Yachi's just more approachable, maybe, or maybe it's that Hinata is more drawn to someone who can match his energy. On the other hand, Kageyama seems to just be along for the ride more than anything, which you get. You gel with him a little better, at least. Yachi, though, you really do want to get to know, so you let your short-sightedness drag you into starting a conversation you haven't fully prepared for.

You toy with your hair idly. You're really not sure how to approach this. When was the last time you even tried? "Did you have a good weekend? I mean, I know we saw each other yesterday, but—you know. Did you?"

She visibly relaxes. You'd like to think your own pervasive awkwardness is putting her at ease. "Mm! Hinata and Kageyama-kun came over to study after practice."

"Oh, good! How're they coming along?"

"They're nervous, I think, but they've been working really hard!"

"Really? That's great!" Uh, fuck—you scramble for something else to say. "Nishinoya-senpai and Tanaka-senpai are working hard, too. I went to Nishinoya-senpai's to help them out Saturday, too."

"A-aren't they kinda scary?"

You wave a dismissive hand. "Not at all. They're kinda goofy, honestly."

"I think everyone's a little scary, still…" she sighs. "It's hard not to, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. But trust me, they're just excitable." Okay, okay. That's good. You're getting somewhere. "Any ideas on the whole manager thing?"

She brightens, flashes a smile. "Yeah, actually! I talked to Hinata a little before he left and I think I've settled on my answer."

"That sounds like good news! Let's hear it."

"Well… two things, really. I borrowed Hinata and Kageyama-kun yesterday for this, but… I'm gonna join. I've been actually working on maybe making some donation posters? I, um, overheard Sensei talking to the coach the other day and it sounds like the club is kinda hurting for money so we can get buses and stuff…"

Shit. She's so much more put together than you are. You're gonna have to step it up if it's gonna matter that you're here at all. "Woah. That's really cool that you're doing that!" You hope your voice doesn't come out too strained.

"What about you, [surname]-chan?"

A nervous laugh. "Well, I haven't thought of doing anything cool to help the team yet, but I am starting to think maybe this whole exam deal was just a pretense to convince us to get on board. Nishinoya-senpai and Tanaka-senpai got me on Saturday, too."

"Wait, that's great! We'll be managing together, then. With Shimizu-senpai, too, of course!" Another sweet little smile.

You are somewhere between "protect this girl with your life" and "do everything possible to make sure this girl does not outshine you".

…this might be what it's like to have a sister.

"Yeah! I haven't given my application to Shimizu-senpai yet. You?"

"Nope! Honestly, I was a bit nervous to go looking for her by myself… there's no practice until after exams now, right?"

"Right. Pretty sure that's having the opposite effect, if these boys are anything to go by. I think Hinata might explode if he doesn't get enough exercise."

She laughs. "Yeah, I sort of get that impression. Do you wanna come with me to track down Shimizu-senpai so we can turn in our applications while we've got time?"

You agree easily enough, and so the two of you make your way to the first floor, where the third years have their classes. Admittedly, you have no idea where to begin looking for Shimizu beyond that. It takes most of the rest of lunch to find her, eventually spotting her in a random classroom. Really, it's the other volleyball club members you notice--the third years apparently eat lunches together from time to time, if not all the time. Asahi is much easier to spot than Shimizu is when you're skimming a room for any sight of her.

It's Sugawara that spots the two of you peeking into the room. He smiles at Shimizu, nods to the two of you. She's quick to greet you both at the classroom door.

"[name]-chan, Hitoka-chan! Did you need something?"

"Sorry to bother you, Senpai." You smile, dial up the charm. "We both wanted to talk to you about the volleyball club?"

"Oh?" Her eyes slide between you and Yachi with interest. "What is it?"

You nod to Yachi. She holds out her club application in two shaking hands. You hold out your own, a touch more casually. Not that it's hard to come off as casual standing next to Yachi. "W-we both decided to join, if that's alright!"

"Really!? That's great!" She takes both from you, eyes lighting up.

Man. No wonder Nishinoya and Tanaka are obsessed with her. She's got this like, gentle smile and shit.

"I'll get everything handled with the membership committee. Since there's no practice until after exams, that gives us more than enough time to get your jackets ordered. You included your jacket sizes in the applications, right?"

"Y-yes!" Yachi says.

You pat her shoulder reassuringly. "Breathe, Yachi-san."

"B-but we're on the third year's floor," she whispers back. "What if we're not supposed to be here?"

"It's fine. Whatever big scary thing happens, I got you."

"O-okay..."

"Thank you both so much. I'll get everything handled, you two just focus on exams, alright? You've both been helping the others study, too, right? How's that going?"

You share twin smiles with Yachi. "Good!" she chirps. "We both helped them over the weekend. [surname]-chan says that Nishinoya-san and Tanaka-san are doing well, and Hinata and Kageyama-kun were working really hard when I was with them."

"That's good. Those four are an important part of the team, so it'll be difficult if they don't get to come to the away games. Speaking of—if you both come find me after school today, we'll need to get you both to bring in permission slips for that."

Oh.

You're so fucked.

~

Okay, cool, fine, no big deal. You have a blank permission slip and a father who's never home to sign it. This is doable. This is a clear issue, and a clear issue is something that can be solved.

You walk home separately of Yachi—after you'd offered to help put up the posters when they're ready, she ran into friends and you don't want to intrude, so you take your blank permission slip and meander out of the school. You guess you'll scratch out some time to study, to freeze some meals, to… something.

Fuck. You really wish practices weren't on hold for exams.

It's not long after you've made your way out of the gate that that swoopy feeling of your feet no longer touching the ground hits you. You shriek at the arms around your waist, wriggle in the hold of your captor—

—your captor, who sets you down with his trademark blinding grin. "Hi," Nishinoya says. "That was a good noise!"

You steady yourself, hand (and now-crumpled permission slip) held to your chest. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I missed you today! It's weird not having practice."

"So you scare the shit out of me!?"

He laughs. "Sorry, sorry."

"You never really sound sorry when you apologize to me," you grumble.

"To be fair, I did call your name when I saw you. You're the one with your head in the clouds. What're you up to? Any plans with all your newfound free time?"

"Cooking dinner. I have food on the slow cooker I need to get to. And then I'm going to study. You know, that thing we're supposed to be doing with all the extra time from not being allowed to do clubs for a week?"

"Hm, that sounds like something schools made up or something. Boring."

"Uh-huh. You know, I'm not gonna marry you if you fail all your exams."

"But you will if I pass at least one?"

"Are you gonna pass any? Believing that studying is a thing people do isn't even step one. It's like, step zero."

"Study with me, then."

He flashes that charming little smile, and you shove him away. "I can't come over. The last thing I need is to burn my house down because I left dinner on the slow cooker too long and it like, blew up or something."¹¹

"So let me come over. We'll study together, I'll be good and quiet and not interrupt your precious brain training time…"

You sigh. "I'm not exactly prepared to entertain guests."

"You don't have to entertain me!"

"The house is a mess."

"So's my bedroom. You live there, what's the problem with it looking like you live there?"

He keeps easy pace beside you as you walk. "It's rude! You're not supposed to show guests a messy home when they come over."

"But you weren't expecting me. So it's not like it's your fault."

"Why are you so set on coming over to my house, anyway?"

"Curiosity. What's wrong with that?"

"I literally don't even have snacks to give you."

Without another word, he grabs your shoulder and steers you off to the side—straight to Sakanoshita. "I'm so glad you brought that up! I can treat you!"

"I think you're fundamentally misunderstanding the role a host and a guest are supposed to play."

"I'm being a friend. Friends buy each other stuff sometimes. Lemme buy you snacks. I'm horrible at remembering to do breaks and then once I actually take one I end up done for the night."

You stop in your tracks, don't let him drag you inside. "What are you doing right now?"

"Hm?" He tilts his head. "Getting rid of your reasons to say no. Why?"

…oh. That's almost sweet.

"…if you're going to insist on this, I can solve the reason for saying 'no' to going over to your house. Let's find a reason to say yes to that instead…?"

He seems to sense your discomfort, the way it seeps into your shoulders but refuses to reach your voice. There's a moment where he just looks at you, blinking, that sort of blank look that a puppy gets before it does the stupidest thing you've ever seen in your life. "Oh! That's easy. Because you want to."

You raise an eyebrow. "Do I?"

"Don't you? We're celebrating since you're joining the team! And you said before that I didn't know enough about you to be in love with you. So I need to get to know you, right? And you should get to know me. There's a yes for letting me buy snacks for you, and a yes for hanging out with me."

"If my end goal were to marry you, maybe."

He pulls you inside, not missing a beat. "I'm not giving up, so it'd be a good idea to start adjusting to the idea now."

You roll your eyes. Smile and wave to Coach Ukai, who's got one foot up on the counter, lit cigarette in hand as you enter. He nods back, raising an eyebrow at the pair of you. "Good day at school, you two?"

"He has too much energy. Please tell the school that their decision to suspend club activities during exam week is going to kill me, personally, Coach," you deadpan. Nishinoya doesn't miss a beat, dragging you towards one of the aisles.

"I'll see what I can do."

Over chips, Nishinoya talks a mile a minute and too loudly, picking up too many bags of chips as he does. "Pick something. I'm buying. What's your solution to not burning your house down?"

"I'm just going to run by my place and make sure nothing is going to burn before coming over."

"I could walk with you?"

"No," you reply, too quickly. You wince a little, try to recover. "I mean, you're grabbing a lot of snacks to carry, and I'll be quick, so…"

He watches you carefully a moment, but simply adds another snack bag of chips to his armful instead of commenting on it.

"And put some of those chips away. We're getting snacks, my dinner is already mostly done and I'm sure your family has food planned."

He pouts. He's gathered a whole armful of chip bags. "You haven't even picked out yours, yet."

"I'm not picking any if you don't put those back and get a reasonable amount of chips."

"Fiiine."

He puts back most of the bags of chips, and you straighten up the display while you mull over two flavors. Once you've settled, you grab one bag.

"Great! You wanna go grab drinks? My hands are a little full."

"Sure, sure, what do you want?"

He tells you what to grab, and you meander off. As he pays, you say: "You know I'm not gonna let you buy things for me all the time, right?"

"Tell me not to, and I won't," he replies, not missing a beat.

You say nothing. On your way out the door, you dip your head to Coach Ukai and let Nishinoya drag you along for what's sure to be a very productive study session.

~

You do actually end up studying. It takes you only a little work to corral Nishinoya into focusing. He sits across from you in his living room, focusing hard on his flashcards with this really intense look. It's laughably easy to tell how well his study session is going; every now and then, you'll notice him grimace in annoyance after flipping a card, or else brighten up a little.

For your part, you work through practice problems diligently, only glancing up every now  and then to observe your upperclassman and make sure he's still working.

It's peaceful. Nice. After a solid half an hour of quiet that you didn't know he was capable of, you stretch, ready to enforce a break, and are interrupted by something fluffy careening into your chest and borderline knocking you over. Aside from the force, it announces itself with the purriest meow you've ever heard, nearly lost—like before, you recall dimly—by your startled yelp.

Nishinoya catches the sight of you—now clutching a fluffy, bob-tailed calico to your chest as it presses its face into yours. "Oh, by the way. I have a cat," he says.

You ignore him entirely. "Oh my gosh, hi baby!"

"This is Soba.¹² She hates strangers, so I can only assume that the fact that she already loves you is a sign that you now have to marry me."

"Not if you don't ask me enough times, I don't—" Soba meows at you, snuggles into your pets with the sweetest little look on her face. Now that she's not scaring the shit out of you, you can properly look her over and zero in on her white-tipped paws. "—she has socks?"

He laughs softly, nodding. "She has socks."

"Amazing. The best cats have socks. Especially toe socks." You shoot him an amused look. "Didn't really take you for a cat guy, though."

"Does being a cat guy earn me bonus points?"

"It gives me an eternal yes to coming over." Soba wriggles out of your arms, only to curl up in your lap. "How are you not constantly covered in cat hair? She's so cuddly!"

"I'm careful and know what a lint roller is," he jokes. "Technically, she's my sister's, but… I mean, she likes me best, so…"

"I think I love her?"

"Marry me, then, and you get partial custody."

"Ask me nine hundred and eighty-four more times and give me unlimited cat access and I'll think about it."

"Deal."

"That aside, how's your studying coming along? I think I heard you swearing under your breath earlier."

He groans. "It's... it's coming along."

"What're you working on? Kanji drills?"

"Yeah... Trying to get everything hammered out before tomorrow. I need exams to be over already..."

"They'll end when they end. I'm so sorry, but you're just gonna have to stick them out. How's your brain doing? I think I smell smoke."

"Without exaggeration, I am going to explode if I do not do something with my body right now."

"See, but this is really unfortunate," you say. "I was gonna ask you to teach me a little volleyball in our break time, but I'm pretty sure moving this baby would be considered a war crime in seventy-three countries, so…"

"You want me to!?" He springs forward, flashcards forgotten. "Really!?"

"Well, your super cool libero skills would be helpful to have on deck so poor Yachi-san's head doesn't get taken off by a stray ball. Unfortunately, until this little cuddle bug leaves, that's not happening."

"…marry me, though?"

"Nine hundred eighty-three. Work hard until the next break and maybe the baby will—"

"Soba! Pspsps."

Soba perks up. Yawns. Crawls right off of you to sniff at Nishinoya's hand. He beams at you. "So, you want me to teach you to receive?"

You smile. Tighten the caps on your and his sodas as a cat prevention measure. "You sure it's a good idea to leave your snacks unattended with the baby around?"

"The baby can't open bag clips," he replies triumphantly, having produced one from seemingly nowhere and clipped both of your chip bags together.

You elect not to mention that any cat is going to have teeth strong enough to rip open the rest of the bag and let him pull you outside without another word.

~

So the rest of the study session is spent like that: long work session involving a purring cat on either your lap or his, fifteen minutes or so of him—badly—trying to explain receiving to you. It's clear he knows what he's doing and what he's talking about, but what isn't so clear is what the hell he means by things like you just gotta bump it like fwah, you know?. Still, you try your best, and breaks turn into passing the ball back and forth—him with ease, you frequently running to pick up a ball you dropped.

"Now you've got it!" Nishinoya cheers after you barely manage to not let the ball hit the ground on one of these sessions. "At this rate, you'll be playing libero for the girls' team before you know it!"

You snort. "Uh, yeah, hard pass."

"Why not? Volleyball's fun, you know."

"I'm sure it is. But A, I suck at it. And B, I'm sort of already in a club. I can't imagine I'd be a very effective player on the team if I'm instead going to all of your practices. And I'd definitely make a bad manager if I'm always going to their practices instead of yours."

"Fine, fine, I concede that it might be a little hard."

"Harder than I'm willing to bother with."

He laughs. You fail another few passes before the break is over, and then you're back inside, back to math and English and kanji and test-taking strategies.

"This is the last one, I think," you say as you settle back in at your seat. "I need to actually eat my dinner at some point, and it's getting late."

"Aw, you don't wanna stay for dinner?" He bats his eyelids at you playfully. You consider hitting him.

"My dinner is already ready, Nishinoya-senpai. No."

You fall back into studying, one last time. You're actually impressed with him—the regular breaks are definitely helping, and making sure they're active has smoothed out his jumpier edges. They were probably a bit more active than he expected, honestly—you're very bad at returning the ball, and he ended up having to dive for most of the ones you actually managed to get back in his general direction. But he's been working hard when he's back at the table, like he's taking this seriously seriously. It's refreshing.

It is with no small horror that you admit to yourself that you could actually get a crush on this guy if he were serious and you let yourself. Luckily, there's a solution to that, one you only have to do half the work for: he stays unserious about you (easy—he isn't serious and never will be) and you don't let yourself develop anything. You're great at not feeling emotions. It's like, your one big talent in life.

So when you bid him goodnight at his doorstep, you smile and wave. He waits in the doorway, reaches out to you before you go. "Wait. [name]-san."

"Mm?"

"For good luck—will you marry me?"

You laugh. Shake your head. "Give it your best, ask another nine hundred and eighty-two times, and I'll think about it, Senpai. But, just so you know, I've seen how hard you've been working, and I don't think you need the luck."

His smile is blinding when you turn to leave.

You turn down the street towards your house, smooth yourself out. The walk is brief, the house empty and quiet like always when you unlock the front door. In contrast to the warmth of his living room, it feels lonelier than ever.

You kick off your shoes, take your dinner to your own living room. Rifle around in your bag for your notebook and instead find a bag of chips—the flavor you'd set aside at the store earlier, deciding to only go with one bag and not burden Nishinoya—with a little note taped to it.

Good luck on your exams!

PS.; you can call me Noya-senpai. it's what my friends call me ;)

Fuck. You really could develop a crush if you're not careful. He's scribbled out his phone number on the note. Despite yourself, you smile and send him a text.

[name] to Noya at 19:48¹³

[name]: by the way, you format a post-script as just P.S. and then the rest of the message

[name]: two dots, no semicolon

Noya: you're welcome

[name]: ...thank you, Noya-senpai

There is a comparatively long pause of about three minutes. You watch his typing bubble pop up, disappear, then pop up again.

Noya: MARRY ME.

[name]: ...981.

Footnotes

11. Y'all are never going to believe this one, but about twenty minutes after I wrote this line, my neighbor's house burned down. Fully gutted. I got some pictures and literally heard it crashing in on itself. No one was hurt, thankfully, and it was not due to being too busy living a coming-of-age romance to keep the crock pot from bursting into flames, but that sure was a sequence of events.

12. Named courtesy of a poll on my tumblr. I choose to believe that people were voting for "grae button" (the results button so I alone could see the results) either to spite me or to force me to figure out an in-fic reason for why the Nishinoya family cat is named "Grae Button". Had there been a tie, I was simply going to add another cat.

13. Military time. Yes yes I'm American. As if it's my fault.

Tags: @deeplightgarden @idonthaveanameideayet @dusstory

[riftdancing]

So... It's my Birthday.

I would usually post about this on my personal blog, but I'm going to touch basis here instead since it does have some relation to my XIV blog at the end. First of all, if you've sent me a well wish for my birthday, you're amazing. Thank you. Each one of them so far has been incredibly heartwarming and while I ask nothing of anyone today... heartwarming is extra welcome because I am going through it right now.

Yesterday we took my 4 month old kitten, Ozzie, to the vet for his last set of vaccinations until next year. It went great! Little man is an absolute king. I've never seen such a brave and curious little cat. The car ride was zero stress for him. Not a single peep, just curiously watching the country side go by mid tongue bath. I've never seen a cat so blaise about a car ride. He was the same way at the vet office. Once out of his carrier and in the exam room he'd bound up to meet the staff and greet them with tail high and perked ears. In hindsight, after the experience, my partner and I have realized he'd probably make a great adventure cat, so we will likely be looking into harness and leash training very soon.

What I wasn't expecting, was returning home to find my cat (and emotional support animal) not acting like herself and showing me all the signs she'd fallen ill with something. She is my baby. My comfort, my emotional rock. The amount of emotional understanding and empathy she's shown me in the first four years of her life still astounds me more and more everyday. ...But Sootie and I are extremely co-dependent on eachother. Seeing her ill, even though we'd just returned home from the vet with Oz, we gently got her into her carrier and rushed her to the vet as well. You can imagine how shocked they were to see us again (lol).

Vet was glad I brought her in preemptively. Seems I had it exactly right. She is sick. She was running a fever of 105 when we got there. We did bloodwork (which came back squeaky clean!!) and they tried to get a urine sample, but to no avail. So they gave her a shot for her current nausea, and she's been put on liquid antibiotics. ...Antibiotics which require food and she's still not eating.

But... I don't care if its my birthday or not. I've put everything a side because she is my world. So her and I are quarentined to the bedroom together. Luckily that's her safe/comfort space, and I'm just in here to keep her company and provide additional comfort as she craves it. Currently as I write this from my mini mechanical bluetooth keyboard on my tablet... she's snuggled up in one of her favorite blankets next to me, tucked in for additional warmth.

But until she's doing a little better... I will be resigned to this set up...

So I will likely spend my Birthday cleaning out my tumblr inbox while I take care of my lil sick baby.

But after all the times she's looked after me in my worst states (like when I was sick with covid and despite trying to distance myself from her she would NOT leave me for the entire week. Like velcro. My lil nurse.) both mental and physical health... its the least I can do to make sure she's comfortable and has someone here for her the same way she's always been there for me.

When I say I would do anything for this cat. I mean it. She is the world to me.

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 12/17/24

Hi Tumbie <3 how are you today? Are you doing well? Are you hanging out, working on yourself, but still having fun in life? I hope you're having such a great time, seriously :3 anyone who reads this

Myself? I'm doing alright I think. For the most part I've hit emotional equilibrium these days, which is like ... fine I think? I wouldn't say I'm in a happy phase, but net neutral is a lot better than what I had before. My low's still happen, I still cry some days, but I'm never feeling as depressive as the early days of the breakup. My highs are actually a little bit less frequent than they were even post-breakup? I think it's because a lot of those days during the early to middle period of the breakup me and Aaron were having a lot of conversations where it felt very much like we might've started dating again quickly after that, so I would ride that high a bit delusionally for the day.

There's not a whole lot to talk about right now, but it's still important that I talk about what I do wanna get out so it doesn't fester methinks. So first I wanna get into some general life updates, then I wanna talk about my family, and then just... some more of the usual thoughts about Aaron, is that okay?!

Also, I haven't had very good relationships with my friends recently. Not that I'm falling out with any of them, but they've got other stuff going on. I think that a lot of them balked at me when they heard about the breakup, it was kinda a "oh not this again" reaction from a couple of them. Only my two closest friends have been fully receptive. I have made a couple of new friends lately! Or gotten some old ones back! I've gotten a lot closer with a mutual friend of me and Aaron's named Liv, we talk basically every day lately. Then there's Sarah and her boyfriend Aidan, both of which were great to meet up with and hang out with!! I also reached out to my old friend Hana who I had actually cut off forever ago because we had a kinda hot-cold almost dating thing before I met Aaron, BUT I obviously am super taken (even if I'm not technically dating them I really do consider myself off the table, I'm not interested in dating otherwise), and I actually saw that Hana is moving in with a boyfriend!!! So we caught up recently which was nice. We both kinda laughed about the way our friendship ended the last time, we had both been in relationships that went south then entered a strange friendship together and lost interest in hanging out because we fell for people aklsjdfh it's funny. But none of those friendships have been super like... active? We've had a few conversations and hung out here or there in Sarah & her bf's case but honestly no aspect of my social life is really feeling as fulfilling as I would like. I think that... in a lot of ways, I'm just ready to move on from a lot of the relationships I have at the moment? Not necessarily in a cutting them off sort of way, but in the like... I wouldn't mind being far from them for a while kinda way, I wouldn't mind leaving it all behind. I want to leave it all behind, actually, and that will be a returning theme of the journal today.

One piece of good news it that I officially passed my semester two days ago and became a junior in college. I'm entering the final stretch if you think about it, isn't that wild? I've been in school since summer of 2023 and in that time I've gone from nothing to a junior. I'm feeling very proud. I didn't maintain my 4.0 GPA into this first semester at an actual University and tbh I'm not even that mad about it. I got a B- in Archaeology, a B in Spanish, an A in Anthropology and an A+ in creative writing. That's still a damn good performance for someone who has literally been back and forth with suicidal ideations since late October, like I did a third of the semester under intense depressive episodes??? It's no small feat. But yeah now I'm on break and sooooo happy about it ugh.

I visited my family yesterday. It was mostly to hang out with my little brother and his girlfriend because they're both chill as hell and we're close enough in age that we understand everything the other's do. I was also there for two other reasons. My sister who moved to NY forever ago was in town and I decided it'd be okay to see her, and I wanted to see how my dad's recovering. We really didn't do much of anything while I was there lol it was so boring aklsjdhfasdf my brother his gf and I did go to a restaurant to get some food!! Then when we got back I was talking with my family about my plans and I mentioned that I'd probably be moving away in the next couple of years. Now, I wasn't expecting them to be like... dragging me away from the idea, but I was expecting either more questions about the idea or at least a bit of curiosity, but they almost universally responded with shrugs or a lack of reaction entirely. I don't particularly like my family, but it would still be nice if like... I mentioned wanting to move away for school 2,000 miles away elicited some kind of reaction. Really, their reaction just solidified my decision.

I really don't feel like I belong anywhere these days as depressive as that sounds to say. It's not bothering me that heavily, but it's like... a square peg and a round hole. I don't think this city, this state, this place is right for me. I don't fit in with most of these people, I'm not making any meaningful connections here and... I keep cutting one string at a time tying me to this place. I'm here because I love my best friend Sammy, I love my other closest friend Jordan, and I love my sister Kimmy, but... Sammy plans to leave eventually anyways, Jordan and I could always be friends no matter the distance and Kimmy usually has too much going on in the first place AND she has openly stated that she supports me leaving because she always wished she had. I'm feeling ready to go, but there's a huge problem.

I don't know where I'll go.

I'm in a moment of standby still. Aaron and I are still up in the air, and for me it will be until either they tell me they're moved on forever or we start dating again. That relationship is a MASSIVE factor in where I decide to move to. If we work out? I'm there in their city as soon as I possibly can be, it'd work out really well too. Before the breakup I had reached out to an account my job has there inquiring about jobs and they are always accepting people for positions there especially if they're transfers with management experience, so I could have a job in their city day one. I was looking at apartments and had some really good areas in mind too. And then there's schooling. I don't wanna dox their location so I won't say the University but theres a state University basically in their city (it's technically a town over but I have a car lmao) that offers the masters degree program that I want to pursue and I'm 100% confident I could get accepted there. Literally every aspect of it works out except for me and Aaron for now. WHICH IS DRIVING ME INSANNNEEEEE!!! I wish that they would be okay trying again, because I would be there so soon. I don't even feel comfortable visiting their city unless we're together, let alone applying for school nearby ToT I've had crazy ex's who have shown up at my house, I don't want to ever give Aaron even a glimpse of a feeling like that because it's frankly terrifying.

MANNNNNN this wasn't supposed to post like this, I was working on adding a bunch more and then my phone crashed!! I'll just edit it from here and then add the pictures I was gonna add on my phone.

One of the things I appreciate the most about my current relationship with Aaron is the honesty of it all. I can be 100% honest about how I feel, I can share basically every thought I have about them, us and myself with them and Aaron seems to feel comfortable doing the same. Recently I've had some moments of genuine anxiety. Some people have consistently whispered in my ear that after I send Aaron their christmas present they'll have no reason to talk to me, and while I know Aaron and trust them whole heartedly to never do something like that the fear was honestly welling up so... I asked Aaron and they reassured me otherwise. Also, I asked if they were okay with me texting them so much still and especially with the posts I was sending and they said yes to that, too. I'm just happy to know I'm not annoying them, that I'm not pushing them further away through my flirting, yearning, constant yapping and inescapable need to share myself 100% with them. Really, I've been doing better about being overly attentive towards them, but better in that department with me is still a lot alksjdf. I'm happy they're patient with me and okay with the amount of attention I give them, though. Gosh. This was supposed to be a diferent kinda entry once I started editing it, but the exhaustion is just fucking smakcing me right now. Why am I so tired???? Ough. I'll just write another journal soon that'll be more comprehensible, I think that this entry has been basically nonsensical from the start askljdhfaskdf. Anyways, love you tumbie. I'm gonna go read a book ab out lesbians killing dragons together., Baiiiii

[mercurygray]

30. — countdown

Decided yesterday I really wanted to do some House of the Dragon - and I still need to get caught up on your fic! Here's Elin Florent.

It would be quite a treat, sitting in the royal box.

That was what Elin's mother had said, practically flying with pleasure after they'd gotten the summons. The new Queen would need ladies in waiting, and Otto Hightower was adamant she would have girls from the Reach with good names around her. Hightower cousins, of course, no surprises there, but Oldflowers and Redwynes and Tyrells - and a Florent, too, since the gods were good. I am certain she will be a good influence on the Queen, the Hand had written, being of more mature years and graces.

Just how could he manage to make a compliment sound like a threat?

Well, she was here now, for better or for worse - and at the Queen's right hand, too. Cecyly Hightower might have been named their chief, but Elin had the honor of the chair next to the queen; Alicent would not have it otherwise and had dragged Elin there herself, wedding pearls still sparkling in her hair.

It was a wonderful vantage point - no one could deny that. Yet even from here Elin could still hear her cousin Lysa's voice, speaking all of those years ago at the tournament at Goldengrove. Best be careful, my girl - when you sit where they can see, everyone watches you.

Yes, indeed they do, Elin thought to herself. Even the people you think are your friends. This was Alicent's seat, once, when she sat here with Rhaenyra. People will mark that.

But the Princess was on her father's other side today, and would not meet her friend's eye. People would mark that, too. They were waiting now for the games to start - the King had already made his remarks and the heralds were working out some small shuffle of the matches. "Shame of the prince to miss his own brother's wedding," someone was saying behind them as the heralds re-arranged the wooden markers with the house colors. "If Daemon were here we'd have some real sport."

"We're better off without turncloaks and traitors," someone else replied. "We'll have a good show without him - Corbray and Errol are here, and Whent, and Criston Cole will ride for the King."

There was a brief noise at the front of the box - Sir Gwayne Hightower with his castle-headed helm, standing at the front of the box on his destrier and in very merry spirits indeed. He might stand to win today, if Daemon isn't in the lists, Elin thought to herself. "I've come for the honor of your favor, sister! Let me win this tournament for our new queen."

But Viserys, it seemed, had other plans. "You'll forgive me for not wanting to share my wife today, Sir Gwayne," he interjected, one hand resting on his new wife's while he tapped the circle of red and black ribbons already pinned to his surcoat. "I've already claimed the honor of wearing her colors - I do not want to see them come to harm."

"Here, brother," Alicent offered, gesturing with her free hand. "Take Lady Elin's. She is as good as my right hand here - and she was a queen once, too."

Oh, Alicent, why must you say such things? Your father will want to wring my neck. Even from here she could feel Otto Hightower's eyes on the back of her head. "Not half so high as you, your grace," Elin said adroitly, rising from her chair with the circlet of blue and spotted white in her hand - flowers and ermine, the Florent banner. "A queen only for play. You wore them well at Highgarden, Sir Gwayne, I pray you do so again - for your sister and for me." She slipped the favor down his lance, its pointed tip glinting in the sunlight, beautiful and dangerous.

Just like wearing a crown, then.

If Gwayne was disappointed, he hid it well, and smiled up to the balcony with practiced ease. "With two such pretty ladies cheering me, I cannot help but win."

He spurred his horse away and the crowd cheered. None of them had heard the conversation, only seen the action, a maiden's favor for a lance. Sir Gwayne was a good rider, and had won wearing those colors before; Elin Florent was pretty, and a favorite of the queen. That was all the story they needed. Idle minds would fill in the rest as they liked. By the end of the day, she was sure, there would be another poem on the streets about how Gwayne was in love with her. That was the way it always went.

Alicent was in raptures when Elin sat back down, capturing her hand with excitement. (Her nails were ragged again, poor thing. They'd have to salve them later.) "That would be a fine match for you, Elin - I will speak to my father. We would be sisters, then."

Elin held her smile. Me, wed to Gwayne? The gods would laugh. House Florent hasn't got enough to offer to make it worth Otto's while, not after his daughter just became Queen.

"I mean to see all my ladies well-settled," Alicent said aloud, as if reminding herself of her responsibilities in the world, getting a series of smiles from Viserys and the older ladies around them.

She's still such a child, Elin realized. Is that all that being queen is to her? To look pretty and say pretty things? It's a heavy crown - she'll have to learn it'll take more than that to wear it. I doubt her father taught her that. The Hand of the King was still standing behind them, watching his daughter, watching his son. And that's just the problem, isn't it, she thought grimly. I doubt her father taught her anything. He bid her marry, and she did; he'll bid her bear a child and she will, not really knowing why. He means to use her like a puppet. She'll grasp for things she thinks have meaning because she has no mother, either, who might show her what soft power looks like, how to coax and wheedle for what you want. And she'll have to learn it all alone.

The heralds were drumming down to the start of the first pass, and Elin glanced for a moment at Alicent, her smile fixed, one hand resting underneath her husband's again, the perfect picture of married grace. The other was in her lap, her thumb skating restlessly over the edge of her nails, clawing at the skin for a moment until she remembered she should not, counting down the lances until she might look away.

Counting down to what? What is there for her after this? A lifetime spent in Viserys' bed? No one can look away from that.

No, I don't envy Alicent at all, Elin thought to herself, letting the roar of the crowd fill her ears, smiling along with the rest as the drummer stopped and the horses surged forward. The only thing I have is pity.

[basilsbestpainting]

Oh my gods, that was such a terrifying ride. Gather around for a story.

So, cars broke. Parts discontinued, I get off work when the busses stop running and I work like 9 miles from my apartment, which means I have to take a ride share to get home. I accept that it takes a special kind of person to to that at 230 in the morning, so I've had some interesting rides. Like the guy yesterday who went 20 to 30 miles over any posted speed limit (terrifying, or the real clean cut guy listening to post rock (my favorite driver by far), or the really fucking high one (didn't mind so much honestly)

But this morning, what the fuck.

Guy pulls up, and he looks kinda like Santa in a beat up, mid 2000s Subaru. He turns on his overhead light, and I get in. He asks me where we are. (He has to ask me a couple of times because his voice is one of those low grumbly ones, and I got that audio processing disorder)

Now, it is a parking lot behind a bunch of factories and I'm alone, but also. It's a gated in parking lot and he passed about 4 or 5 different factories on his way in. I was at work. This is a factory lot.

Then we drive for a bit, he's got the overhead on. I don't even notice, I've been up since 8am, I'm exhausted. He asks if I need the light kept on, which I hear as him asking me to turn it off, which I didn't think anything of. It's 3am, honestly could have slipped his mind and he didn't want to reach back.

But no, he then says that it was OK, he didn't mind, just didn't know why it was on.

My brother in this lyft, you turned it on before I got in.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

I-it's been over a week since the show started coming out, and I-I've been....deep in thought about something.....

I.....I genuinely don't know how strongly I feel about Alastor....

To explain: He's still easily my fav character, and I-I still....simp for him pretty badly (cuz I never really stopped completely). My question to myself is more "how MUCH do I like him exactly"

I-I'm not sure if I'm ACTUALLY hyperfocused on him, or if I'm hyperfocused on Hazbin in general. Cuz, I-I'll be honest, I'm still riding the high from the show just....being out? After waiting for so long.....

But Alastor by himself.....p-part of this might be cuz I have other fictional crushes (including the one I'm currently writing a fic about), but my specific feelings for him right now, still don't seem AS strong as they were in 2019.....? I-I still get super excited at his scenes, tho....but, when I'm not watching, I can go pretty long without him crossing my mind, so that doesn't FULLY feel like obsession levels....

H-however, after yesterday's episodes, a-and the way I reacted to the scene with Husk, I.....I've decided that maybe I am gonna be thinking about him a lot....So, I've decided to, for now, put an asterisk next to his name on the interests page.

HOWEVER! Out of respect for his asexuality, I'm not gonna be writing any fics about him or engage in any talk that could even IMPLY self-shipping. C-cuz....even without that fact, just....kn-knowing who and what he is......h-him being an "admire from a safe distance away" character really is the best way to go here X/////D I-I'm NOT gonna fix him. Please never fix him.

[tic-loud-tic-proud]

Lengthy and rambling personal life/medical update beneath the cut

TL;DR I had a neurologist appointment yesterday, and he said I'm having functional seizures, and that I likely have FND in addition to Tourette's syndrome.

For context, I've had tics since I was a few months old, but started having weird "events" occur when I was 10. By "weird events" I mean having sudden moments where I would fall to the floor and be unable to move for a few minutes, having times where I couldn't move any of my fingers, and, the worst one, sudden moments where I would convulse pretty violently and be unable to process or respond to my surroundings despite still being conscious (I've always referred to these as "dying fish impressions").

When I tried to talk about this a couple years ago with my primary care physician (I think I was 13?) he told me that all of this was normal for teenage girls with anxiety. Despite being able to look back and realize that doctor was terribly misogynistic, for a long time I just internalized what he said and thought these "events" were no big deal and weren't important enough to discuss with other medical professionals.

Fast forward to last June. This was the tipping point. I had 5 dying fish impressions in one day, with one of them lasting more than an hour. I was at work and my coworker ended up calling an ambulance because she didn't know what was going on. But when the EMS arrived, they saw my medical alert bracelet that says "Severe Tourette Syndrome" on it and thought the dying fish impression was a tic (which is something I also thought for a while). Once the dying fish impression stopped I was able to tell the EMS that I didn't need to be taken to the hospital because this had happened before and I would be fine eventually (but honestly it was mostly because I didn't want to be in thousands of dollars of medical debt from an ambulance ride).

After I'd taken a few days off to recover I made an emergency appointment with a medical professional, unfortunately my usual neurologist was on vacation at the time but I was able to get an appointment with one of his assistants a week later.

She said that my symptoms sounded very similar to FND, and got an appointment scheduled with my usual neurologist.

I described everything that'd been happening and he said that the dying fish impressions are actually functional seizures. And after listening to some of my other symptoms, said that I probably have FND. However, he said that he usually doesn't officially diagnose patients with FND unless it is absolutely necessary to receive accommodations and treatment (accommodations and treatment that, for me, are already covered with a diagnosis of TS) because of the extremely high rate of medical negligence and discrimination that happens to people diagnosed with FND.

So, even though I'm very critical of the FND diagnosis, I think that for me, it could be accurate. I have a couple more appointments and testing coming up to ensure that I don't have other neurological issues like epilepsy or multiple sclerosis that could better explain what's going on. But after doing some research into functional seizures and FND symptoms, I think that FND could possibly be the most reasonable explanation for my symptoms.

I still need time to process but right now I'm just really grateful to have a neurologist that believes my symptoms and doesn't dismiss me for being a woman.

[lucitumb1r]

They seem quite suspicious of you, constantly looking at you. Much like you are constantly looking at them.

Some of your classmates seem to be getting the wrong idea, thinking the two of you to be interested in one another. They're not entirely wrong you'll admit, but the interest is a different kind.

You avoid them as much as you can, and they appear to do the same. This does not at all stop your classmates from forcing group hangouts where you two always get paired somehow.

The most horrible thing for a psychic is going to an amusement park. It's only amusing for the first five minutes, after that it's just a headache.

Everyone is thinking the whole time they're there.

'Ugh this line is taking so loonggg.. What's the point of ordering tickets online when you can't even skip the line?! What are they even doing up there that requires us to wait??' 'Once he's out of the bathroom he's taking my spot so I can go.' 'OMGOMGOMG WE'RE FINALLY HERE!!! YES OH MY LORD I'VE BEEN BEGGING FOREVER FOR THIS!! I HOPE THIS DAY NEVER ENDS!' 'Ouch, that sushi must be hitting me now, hope I don't throw up..' 'Tickets were outragous! And not even a thank you of course.. The things I do for this family..' 'Okay a quick day of destressing and then straight to exams! Oh shoot I never sent that email..' 'Where is my group? They said to gather at the gate, but which gate? Which is considered the Main gate?' 'Oh no I left my lunch at home, I'll have to spend money on lunch, or I could just starve..' 'FINALLY that bus took AGES, shouldn't a bus driver know how to DRIVE??' 'If the lady in front of me doesn't stop smacking her lips I am going to smack her head..' 'My lips are dry, where did I leave my tickets again?' 'I haven't even gotten in yet and there's a song stuck in my head, great.' 'My phone didn't charge last night?! Now I can't take any photos!' 'This line is taking ages, if I were to kill someone would it get me in faster? Who am I kidding?' 'Where did the confirmation email go?? It's almost my turn!' 'Ugh the idiot in front of me is keeping up the line, how hard is it to get a barcode scanned??'

So, y'know, a LOT of thoughts.

The group however, decided it was perfect for a first da group outing.

But there's a lot more wrong with an amusement park besides the constant stream of thoughts, there's also the actual rides, and the food.

The food sucks because it's priced up like a fairy on cocaine and more importantly, you can hear the employees their disgust at how it's prepared. The best you've overheard was:

'We're supposed to use the oil from yesterday?? Did Patricia not order any new bottles? I'm making my own lunch this week..'

The worst you don't want to think about. uughahuu

The rides are their own kind of evil, for someone who can alter their own gravity, being transported at high speeds without any attempt at lessening the accompanying discomfort, like the lack of wind in a car or airplane, or the leather suit for riding a motorcycle, causes your body to go 'WARNING WHAT THE HELL??' and freak out.

So yeah, in the past you had what has since been deemed 'an allergic reaction' where you forced yourself out of your seat, bending the metal and causing a weight shift that caused the ride to lock down. Not the best moment..

The group decided to split into pairs of two or three roughly ten minutes after getting in, and lo and behold who you got paired with..

Yup..

At least they weren't happy about it either.

Though, you have to admit, in a world where you're constantly bombarded with thoughts of others, having at least one person next to you who doesn't add to it, is nice.

They didn't want to go on any rides, which suits you just fine. You both decide to take a calm rail-roaded boat ride while you both enjoy your packed lunches. Since that ride isn't very popular, it's probably the most quiet spot in the park.

Is this what normal people feel like? Not being able to hear the thoughts of others? You've had quiet before, but never with another person in the same place.

It's scary, but also calming.

Eventually, they speak. "Have you ever felt like you can't read someone?" They ask, you suppress a laugh, no need to make them feel mocked.

"Not until recently, sucks doesn't it?" You say as you turn to look over at them. Their eyes are on their half eaten sandwich. They look sad.

"Do you have to be able to read everyone?" You ask suddenly. You're not sure why.

They look sadder. "Well no, but, I feel lost. Like I'm looking at a blank page where the answers should be." Oh, that's a good description.

"Sort of like trying to read a foreign language huh?" You offer.

"No, not foreign, I could make peace with that. It's just blank." Fair enough.

Most of the time was spent in comfortable silence, you two even got up at the same time. Despite them being the only person who you've ever been unable to read, it seems they're also the first person that you don't need to read.

The day went on, you ran into your friends a bunch, all having great fun. The two of you went into a haunted house, which was quite boring since you could hear the performers prepare for the scares, but the décor was good.

There were a couple of kids rides that you went on, kids may have louder thoughts, but at least they weren't angry.

At one point you two found a tree and you were dared into a climbing competition, feeling the need, you used your powers to climb faster, but surprisingly it still ended in a tie.

After that you two would start running to whatever tree you saw and try to climb it before the other could. The score is even at the moment.

By the end of the day, long after your friend group had already gone home, you looked at the firework display with them from the treeline.

"It's pretty." They say, looking at the fireworks, completely relaxed.

"Yeah, and quiet from this distance." You comment, looking at the people watching it, you can make out their faint praise if you focus.

They turn to you. "If you could read minds, would you?"

"Not if I can turn it off."

"And if you could tell when someone tries? Would you want to know?"

...

Oh.

"Not sure, would you?"

They smile. "Not if I can turn it off."

All your life, you’ve been quite accustomed to your psychic powers. Though, as you return to school, your new peculiar classmate has always befuddled you and for one simple reason–you’re unable to read their mind.

[krs724490]

11.4.2024

I think I've written more on this since the breakup than I have in years. so much to say.

I had a nightmare last night. I was attending some gala for the camp graham worked at. or maybe it was for RMP. but he showed up with catalina. and he had grown out his hair into a big afro and he had a scruffy beard. he looked like he gained weight and was not doing well. they were a super trashy couple. they had bad manners and everyone didn't like them. and he didnt care about me at all. he largely ignored me. and there was also an emphasis on food. a giant buffet and also a bunch of pre-made containers of different types of pasta. as soon as I woke up and realized it was a dream, the thought repetition was "it was a dream, it was a dream." and I felt a giant sense of relief. yesterday people mentioned catalina island not once but twice. one woman mentioned it in the morning and I wouldve forgotten about it but then lucas brought it up again later when we were vision board making. insane the way that lingers. if I were really reading into the signs of the universe, I would take that as a sign to back down. I also pulled tarot about it and got horrible cards that would also entice me to not have this convo with graham tomorrow. the universe signs seem very doomsday. no hope. I still dont know if I believe in tarot and signs. Sometimes I just throw the tarot out the door and I dont quite understand it. I could even interpret it like the tarot is trying to get me to realize my fear. the way that I lean on the universe to make it all right. really the universe doesn't comfort. the universe just is.

the other thing that happened that also seems shocking and impossible was that I went to hannas class this morning at high ride and she played somebody else by the 1975 as her final hill. the one song ive been avoiding bc I thought it would be too painful to listen to. I considered leaving, I dont have to subject myself to this, I thought. but then I tuned into my body and realized that it was a story that was causing the anguish. my body was just, in a spin class. and I could hold the multiplicity of emotions. how I should be feeling a certain sort of way when this song comes on. but part of me couldnt picture graham with anyone else. and then I didn't really care. I couldnt force myself to hear the song and feel the feelings. it just didn't happen. the lack of emotion made me wonder. none of it made sense. none of it. and it was almost laughable. how I was forcing myself to feel feelings I didn't have. so odd