#i've been home for like an hour and i've just sat in bed dissociating | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

intosnarkness · 8 months ago

Text

So IDK if any of you are interested, but I felt the need to write a sort of DVD commentary for Adding on Weight talking about easter eggs and inspirations.

General

Working title was "Die a Boring Death" but I decided that it didn't make sense past chapter 5.

I spent a lot of time trying to find something about longing, about wanting someone to want something. About wanting to be wanted, or wanting in general. I never found it and I'm not sure I like the title I landed on.

(The song after the chapter is where the title is from.)

Chapter 1: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I moved the timeline of the book because I wanted everyone to have more time to feel consequences. Kaz gets happy years before he gets imprisoned. Matthias is in Hellgate for longer. Everyone has a long enough time to actually work through the grief because I don't have to write YA where they're 17 years old.

Sir was originally 2 characters; a heavy and a talky guy. By the time I got to chapter 5 and knew what was going to happen when Kaz escaped, I knew I had to cut them to one. So we lost the talky guy and Sir just became more odious.

Kaz eats an apple because this is his Kobyashi Maru

The assignment was originally to wipe out the principal of the debt. Once I did math, that wasn't going to be near enough of an impetus.

The chef Kaz works for is named Kooken, which is just the Dutch word for "cook"

Chapter 2: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The party was not the original idea here, at the point of writing this chapter I didn't have the inciting crime totally figured out (originally Jordie just lost money he was carrying, but that wasn't good enough later to imprison and brutalize Kaz) and so I had this idea that he'd been breaking into the office of the brothel and doing like… audits that got him attention. And Pekka was going to send him to a Mercher's home to get their financial information. I scrapped that when I decided Pekka was going to be our major villain.

The entire point of this chapter was to get Kaz in eyeliner

No actually, the idea of Kaz being forced to sit on Pekka's lap and count cards came extremely early in the process, as did the idea of it being where Inej sees the potential. Originally she was going to be a Dreg lieutenant but I didn't want to have to deal with Per Haskell, so I gave her a gang of her own.

The tattoo knife thing would absolutely not work in reality.

Card counting is not that reliable.

The tray of glasses was a very late addition to the story, but I fell in love with the idea of Kaz having glass stuck in him that no one will help him with but Nina.

I always think the trope of a person sitting in the shadows waiting for another person is ridiculous because it implies that they broke in and sat in the dark for hours waiting. Doing fuck all. I still made Inej do it.

Chapter 3: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

The chapter that boygenuis wrote, this whole thing is a mix between revolution 0 and afraid of heights

I just want to know/who broke your nose/figure out where they live/so I can kick their teeth in

There's been a run of fires downtown/On half-built construction sites/I know you never liked a townhouse/I've seen you climb a crane at night/If they ever catch you at it/I know you'd want me to be proud/That you took a rich man's dream/And brought it with you on your way down

Kaz thinks the Jam Tart House is a stupid name because I do. Who names a house that? But it's in the book!

They're drinking fantasy Strongbow at the night market.

Kaz crawling into Inej's bed is, to me, the saddest scene of this entire fic.

Chapter 4: Stick Season, Noah Kahan

A deck of cards and book of tricks gets left in Kaz's room, but he doesn't stop to think about who left them there. This is Inej, wanting him to want things.

"Good days" here is lying in wait for Jesper's question six chapters later.

The client Kaz kills was an early idea, that he'd be set off by the word "daddy". Mostly because I am.

The Floating Place is pure dissociation. Brought to you by my mental illnesses.

"So break me. Or buy me." is one of my favorite lines.

Kaz makes more than $1,200 a night. At the end of 8 years, assuming no days off and no fines, he would have made $3,504,000. He has paid off his principal 54 times.

We learn later that his debt is held at 500% interest, which means at the end of 8 years with 0 payments he would have owed $221,709,240,000.

Kaz is getting fucked by the interest.

"Young, dumb, and down for everything" was originally "young, dumb, and full of come" but I couldn't bring myself to put that in a story.

Inej's story changed a few times, mostly her age at the time of the raid. At first she was 14 when it happened, but I needed more time for her father to drink himself to death and her to hunt down slavers before getting to Ketterdam. So now I imagine she left Ravka on her mission around 14.

Chapter 5: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz's birthday is canonically in December or January, so I believe my exact idea for this scene was December 20. That's my mom's birthday.

Kaz's Kaelish is actually the gaelic for "you are an excellent lover"

Jesper's comment about using the curtains to hang youself is due to the way Margret Atwood describes Offred's room in the Handmaid's Tale.

Getting them in year four would mean Kaz was 17, so after the leg, which he refers to as "breaking him beyond repair" later.

Kaz doesn't put on shoes because I wasn't sure he would own a pair. Why would he?

The Sir fight scene was originally much shorter, but I liked the idea of Kaz getting a little beat up.

I kinda regret killing Sir here. I should have done it after chapter 8, it would have meant more to the audience.

""No," he says. "I'm right here." was originally the last line of the story.

And then she's gone/And then he's alone is a reference to Come From Away and you can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Kaz hiding under the bed is inspired by the one scene in The Haunting of Hill House that I have never watched, where the Tall Man comes for his hat.

Inej brings coffee because Kaz wished for coffee in chapter 1 as a luxury he didn't get. She doesn't know it, but I do.

Chapter 6: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

Going to the exchange to see his debt posted was a night before publishing add or I would have written the entire scene. I should have.

I had to think of a reason for Inej to be painting. In reality, I think she just finds Ketterdam ugly and needs the beauty in her life.

"Wool socks" is inspired by that viral Danny Pudi clip

I imagined Inej did a lot of the "hanging head first in a canal while the tide comes in" type murders because then she can tell herself that if the Saints want them to live, they will.

"Don't come into my club and refuse my hospitality" is based on something my grandfather would say if we came to his restaurant and weren't hungry. You could order a plate of nothing, but you had to order something.

Kaz mentions that he should learn people's names here. By chapter 14, he will know the name of every Razorgull he meets.

Chapter 7: Dial Drunk, Noah Kahan

I forgot about the first tattoo knife for a long time and had to go back and write it in. I believe Nina had it with her on Heist Night.

Kaz's back being scarred from beatings was a decision I made because I needed him to be damaged in ways people didn't know about to echo his insides.

This is the only time the word "rape" is used in the entire fic.

The private room where they have dinner is based very specifically on one at the Palm that my parents rented out for my dad's birthday once. There are fewer caricatures in Kaz and Inej's.

"Secret for a secret" was the only way I could make Kaz talk in this scene.

Chapter 8: revolution 0, boygenuis

Is the whistle Inej uses (and Wylan does later) the conflict motif from West Side story? I'll never tell.

Inej in the meeting with Pekka is heavily inspired by a specific Space Pirate RP Pixy and I did 12 years ago. "I didn't do it and you can't prove it" was her character's MO there.

$60,000 at 500% for 40 years would end up being $1,764,509,279,127,346,261,335,823,263,022,972,928 with 0 payments.

We know Kaz makes more than $1200 a night, and works 7 days a week. Assuming he never had a day off and never incurred a fine, he would make $17,520,000 in 40 years.

He was always fucked.

I very nearly cut the leg breaking scene because it was just that brutal. I expected more people to be disgusted with Sir afterwards, anyway. This is why I shouldn't have killed him so early. If he was in the room for Kaz's flashback it would have hit harder.

The style of the leg breaking is deeply inspired by my friend Ruby, who writes such beautiful horrors.

Chapter 9: Afraid of Heights, boygenuis

Kaz counting his kisses starting over is something I borrowed from Natasha Romanoff fic. It doesn't count if you had to do it.

I also do not know how to make dry coffee be wet coffee but that's because I hate coffee.

Inej gets to show her smarts here, she knows what Kaz saw even if he still doesn't. He never mentions two sets of books, but she recognizes the behavior and names it.

Inej does angry dishes as a homage to my college friend Elle who used to clean my dorm room when she was pissed off.

Chapter 10: revolution 0, boygenuis

Originally Nina was going to be able to control dissociation a lot better until I reread her intro in SOC and she specifically says she can't control the brain. That's when I invented plan B for the heist: fantasy roofies.

Jesper and Kaz are flirting while picking locks and I ship it.

"You've been through it" is in fact the most insane way I could think of to respond to "I wish I could have picked locks so fewer people would have assaulted me," which is in itself a BUCK WILD thing to say.

The affidavit was a late addition. I needed Kaz to be more afraid.

"Torpor of constant terror" would be a good band name

Originally the painting had a representation of Kaz and Inej in it, but that felt too obvious to me.

Chapter 11: revolution 0, boygenuis

Inej is wearing a fantasy Sari. Kaz specifically got 9 yds of silk for it.

It is raining because something has to go wrong in a heist and it can't be something that the characters could have planned for. Adding it allowed me to slow down the escape from Pekka's office later (sealing the tray) and also set Kaz on high alert so he'd be more susceptible to the panic later

Chapter 12: Cool About It, boygenuis

Describing a person as "built like a ship- wide and low" gave me great joy.

The cloche tray was one of those happy accidents I wrote in that turned into a gift. Initially it was just a tray. Then it had a fork. Then it was a ledger containment device. But that all happened organically.

Originally Jesper left the code in his pants in the ceiling, but I decided that was a stupid mistake to make and I didn't want him to look incompetent.

The guards absolutely smell the acid and that's what brings them into the room.

Chapter 13: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

The chapter of badass lines

There are 0 hits on google for the phrase "upstanding young criminal", which I was sure I stole from somewhere.

The tattoo knife being Kaz's weapon here was planned from chapter 2. I loved the idea of Kaz stabbing Pekka with a knife made of the ink Pekka put on him.

Maybe someday I will write a story about Dime Lion Hostage girl, because I love her an irrational amount.

The hero/corpse line gave me so much joy that I told it to my roommate who also thought I plagiarized it. I did not.

I knew Kaz had to think something happened to Inej, but I was disgusted at the idea of actually hurting her in a sexual way. In the first draft of this scene, I still didn't know why Pekka wanted to get her alone and I wrote a whole monologue about them joining forces and it was extremely bad.

I considered having Kaz tell Pekka that his son had already signed a contract to be a closer analogue to the book, but it just didn't make sense for this Kaz.

Chapter 14: House By The Sea, Moddi

Do not jump out of third story windows. I did a lot of research about this, you will injure yourself.

Here we have the first hint that Kaz has actually integrated into the Gulls, even if he doesn't know it yet. When he bursts into the guard shack Dael (who I also love?) speaks to him, and not Jesper.

The guardroom questions between Jesper and Kaz are my least favorite scene in this story. It feels like plain exposition to me, but it needed to happen and I never figured out how to make it better.

"You should see the other guy" is what Jesper said back in chapter 4 when he got stabbed. It was my brother's go-to response when he was hurt after wrestling matches in high school and college.

"I've been worse" is what Kaz told Nina back in chapter 2 after the beating. It's what I tend to say when someone at work asks me how I am.

Kerstan, the Razorgull who gives Kaz a blanket, is roughly 9 years old. I know his backstory vaguely (he is Dael's little brother), but mostly he's meant to invoke feelings of "what the fuck" in Kaz

I went back and forth about the scene with the caning scars. I almost cut it, but in the end I wanted Inej to assert that she loved Kaz, and I wanted Kaz to be able to tell her that he wasn't ready for her to love him that way, but he wanted to be.

Pekka in draft 1 was the captain of the ship, but if he was running the Dime Lions when Kaz was 9-13, that would only give him a few years to get to that position. So I adjusted him to the owner.

Chapter 15: Harmony Hall, Vampire Weekend

I had the worst time with this chapter, it got rewritten about 90 times

This piece of paper (below) reads "Open before fall/house by the sea/contracts" as the three things I needed to remember to keep in it through the drafts. It was taped next to my computer.

Inej is talking about the Ice Court when she talks about the big job

This is the only chapter that was NOT finished when I started posting. I didn't know what the last line would be, but I knew I'd find it in editing.

#my fic #commentary

4 notes · View notes

misskittysmagicportal · 4 years ago

Text

I’m A Creep

Fandom: The Messenger Jack x Rin Davies

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: suicide discussion, oral sex, penetration, mention of masturbation, angsty whomp because OOOOF is Jack a Whomp!character

Note: The events of this fic contain spoilers for those of you who havent seen The Messenger. It takes place after the end of the movie. Read at your own risk if you haven’t seen it! If you want it’s free on Tubi :)

Present Day:

Jack stood beside Rin in the dead of night watching her sleep for just a moment. Only a moment because she roused the instant she sensed him breathe. Sitting up, she quickly reached inside the nightstand. He knew her routine, Rin was impulsive about making sure her leather motorcycle gloves were on before she let him in.

Jack wordlessly pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers.

Rin lifted her covers and opened her legs to him. Obliging, Jack lowered himself onto her showering her neck with kisses. His tongue and lips trailing down along her collarbone, erection hard against her thigh. A hand found its way under Rin’s t-shirt and over a naked breast where he pinched at a nipple.

“Jack,” she was breathless. “Stop. Don't touch my skin, please.”

Jack pushed himself up by the arms, “How is this enjoyable to you, duck?” A northern term of endearment. “My thighs ah touchin’ you aren't they?” The moonlight caught his eyes as he teased her with the head of his cock. “What about this, inside you?” Suggestively whispered.

Rin moaned but held her cool. “It’s not the same. Like you said, that's inside. It's just my.. skin. From my..” her voice trailed off.

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckkin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed her. Tongue pushing inside of Rin, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me”

--------

Several Weeks Before:

Rin sat alone at a center table in the middle of the visitation room. This wasn’t her first rodeo, probably won’t be her last. She flexed her hands outwards the leather of her gloves cracking and flexing in a satisfying manner. No one was going to come and see her. Besides, the solitude allowed her to quietly spy on all the other nutters around the room.

Just to her left Rin noticed a pretty redheaded woman and her son as they sat across from probably the most attractive guy ever in an institution. There was a tenseness to the way he sat, shoulders hunched and hands between his legs. His hair unruly and a blank stare that wasn’t really focusing on- she came to realize- his sister and nephew. Rin knew him from group therapy where he was equally quiet, eyes glassy from a psych med cocktail. The majority of his speaking hours tucked away in that overbearing therapist’s office.

“Jack, will you please just look at me?” his sister, Emma tried her best to reach out to her brother. “I.. I think Martin and I made a mistake.”

Jack only stared straight ahead between Emma and his nephew, Billy. The preteen looked uncomfortable and scared as his mother nudged him softly. “It's ok. Billy tell Uncle Jack.”

“I did, Mom” , his voice quiet. “I'm supposed to say no. That you should get me help before it's too late.” Rin watched as Billy folded his arms and laid his head down. “Only I can't. It's all night and day, Jack. I can't sleep because they don't have you.”

“Best leave him here with me then, Emma.” It was the first time anyone heard Jack speak in weeks. His sister had a posh accent, so Rin was surprised when Yorkshire dripped from his lips. “For good, right?”

“That's not fair. You are sick, Jack. You weren't caring for yourself. You.. you got too involved with that murder. You were hurting yourself,” Emma struggled with tears. “I want to take you home.”

“Oh like I'm some kind of fookin dog? Emma you and Martin made it clear I belong here. She's right, maybe it was all dad. That's traumatic you know.”

“You deserve someplace warm! A home. Please, Jack. I found this in your things.” She slid a newspaper clipping towards her brother. “That's the boy who drowned. Why.. why didn't you tell me?”

“Loads of kids drown in pools,” Jack stated bluntly with a shrug. “Why should your pool be any different?”

“I never said it was our pool.”

“I recognized the address in the article”

“Jack, it's from two years ago.”

“I got lucky. Ah we doon here? I have walls to stare at. Here Billy you can have this back,” from between his knees he produced a glass paperweight with a scorpion inside. “Tell all ya mates Crazy Uncle Jack sends his loov”

Jack tried to stand but Emma grabbed his arm. This was Rin’s cue to swoop in. She swiftly moved from her table to theirs.

“JACKIE!’ I've been looking for you everywhere!” His eyes panicking in her direction. “I'm Wren,” she took her glove off and reached a scarred hand in Emma's direction. “But my brother couldn't say it so you can call me Rin” She smiled brightly.

Emma tentatively shook Rin’s hand, smiling in turn. Rin took a moment as her mind’s eye zoned in on what was inside of Jack’s sister. It was a loneliness, a desperation to take care of her little brother but protect her son from the same fate. But most importantly Rin felt a small tingling of warmth from somewhere deep inside of Emma’s heart. It was white and pure and instantly recognizable as hope. Even though it was tiny it was growing and starting to spread, and Rin knew Emma was eager to share that with her brother.

“Wow,” Rin blurted, “I wish my brother was as invested in me as you are. You’re a good person, Emma. Trust me,” she winked. “Woman’s intuition.”

Emma narrowed her eyes and studied the crazed looking woman standing between her and Jack. The scars on Rin’s hand raised some alarms, but Emma ignored them. She omitted a relief and let go, “Well thank you. Can you talk some sense into my brother?”

Moments later, with the visitors gone, Rin sat down in Emma’s place. “Thank you is a start,” she teased Jack.

He rolled his eyes and slowly turned in her direction to face her dead on. The intensity of his eyes took Rin by surprise. “Thank you,” the sarcasm poured like a waterfall.

Rin took off her other glove. “Now, Mr-”

“Jack is fine.”

“Jack. Tell me,” Rin feigned a German accent, “Und why do zey sink you are crazy.”

He blinked slowly.

“You got sectioned. What bullshit excuse did they force you to believe? Because it seems like Lovely Emma is desperate to get you out, and we know how hard that is.”

Jack took an impossibly deep breath, “Schizo-effective disorder with some dissociation, post traumatic stress disorder, non-suicidal self injury disorder and depression.”

“Fuck me, that's a trail mix of bonkers. Now ask me”

Jack closed his eyes. They were shut for so long that Rin was certain he had fallen asleep having given in to his meds. His hunched, thin body sort of folded a bit in on itself. A moment of possible self-soothing when he started to sway.

“Jack?” Rin's tone fell quietly with concern. She poke his arm carefully avoiding touching the skin. “Darling what cocktail did these quacks put you on.” She was an expert after all these years; if the drugs were working, no way would he be this much of a zombie.

Green blank eyes hidden behind enviable eyelashes attempted to focus “Seroquel. Clozapine?” His words start to slur a bit. “Fine. How fucking barmy are you?”

“Well,” the young woman softened, “I have suicidal ideations with self-injury tendencies myself, severe clinical depression, a bit of the old borderline personality disorder and wait for it..” she practically whispered a few inches from Jack’s face, “total emotional attachment to partners.”

The skin around Jack’s eyes crinkled as he squinted just enough to indicate his hazed brain was trying to process everything Rin just unloaded. His lips parted to speak but he paused resulting in a gobsmacked expression. “You’re barking.”

“Says the sexy scarecrow with journo clippings of dead boys.” Rin pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Why are you really in here Jack.”

“I’m fucking mad.” It was matter of fact.

“To quote the Cheshire Cat, we’re all mad here, love. Look at me,” she held her hands aloft to display gnarled and prominent scars covering both hands in their entirety. “I developed a gift or two by primary school. See I can touch a person, and I know what they are feeling. Except it.. It goes deeper than that. I can PICTURE their true selves. It’s a bit overstimulating, but no one can lie to me. Not really. Doesn’t do much for my sex life. Or lack of one really. Honestly, you put a cock in your mouth only to find out the guy you’re with is fantasizing about slitting your throat and wanking in your blood.”

Jack shook his head, “Jesus christ.”

“Well yes! My parents were religious zealots, right? They got wind of my gifts. Tried to use me in the church, but I rebelled. Long story short, darling Mumsy and Papa decided if they may be stuck my hands in boiling grease I wouldn’t be able to use it anymore. It’s not in my hands though. It’s in my skin,” Rin smiled almost pleasantly. “Sometimes I get a bit over the edge. I stop shielding myself from the pure air around folks, I suffocate in it. Then,” now she held out her wrists, “I have my little accidents.”

Jack’s mouth hung agape. His brows furrowed in confusion, “You are off you’re fucking nut.”

“That’s all relative. Now, you can tell me why they REALLY sectioned you. What power or ability are they masquerading as mental illness, or I can find out my way.” Rin shrugged.

“Why the fuck do you care? I’m sleeping at night. I have food and a bed and a shower.”

“Und electro-shock zerapy, und coma inducing psychopharmaceuticals, und most importantly you has lost your voice und a chance to harness your ability correctly.” that mock German accent again. “You shouldn’t be here, Jack. Emma certainly doesn’t think so, and neither do I. You’re special. Or that bitch shrink wouldn’t have made you the living dead.”

Jack snorted followed by a rather loud. “Just fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. FUCK OFF!” he screamed in Rin’s face. Not once did she flinch, arms crossed again in a challenge. Disgusted by her, Jack kept bellowing his words thick with anger and cotton from the meds, “I DON'T BELONG OUT THERE EITHER! I DON'T BELONG IN HERE! I DON’T FUCKING BELONG ANYWHERE. HE’S DEAD. SHE’S DEAD. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CUNTS IS DEAD! DEAD DEAD DYING! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”

He shot up out of the chair to leave, but Rin caught his large hand. Skin to skin, hands so small together they barely covered just his one. Instantly her body stiffened as she gasped for air. Tears immediately stung her eyes as she crammed them shut. There in her mind was just a large body of water. Ocean waves crashed overhead as she sank far below the surface. Dark, cold, horrifying that sensation of being drowned. Rin choked on the last bit of oxygen in her lungs and started to suffocate. The hand she held brought her mind’s eye around to opening under the water to see Jack floating near-motionless in front of her. It took all of her strength to push against the tide towards him where she held his face in her hands. Death and decay flashed above them, the dead peering down from boats just waiting for Jack to return to the surface.

Rin strained to convey that tiny bit of hope Emma had passed along to her earlier as she pressed her forehead into Jack’s in the icy deep. There was no reason in particular that she was drawn to him. Not in the hospital or here trying to save him from drowning slowly. Was he attractive, undoubtedly, but that wasn’t all or it. Maybe it was now that she knew he was a messenger, a harbinger of death. That was itself a form of an empathic gift. Or it was just compassion.

Suddenly Jack’s eyes burst open. In that languid way your body moves underwater, he pushed her away. His arms and legs thrashed around in a panic as if he only just realized he was allowing this place to kill him. There was an instant loss, and Rin’s inner self slammed into a brick wall. The physical Jack had severed the connection between her body and his. To resurface that suddenly forced Rin gulping in blessed oxygen that she never really lost. It was an illusion, where the two of them had been. He really had shoved her back though, she realized that now. Storming out of the visitation center, Jack left Rin alone to cry.

--------

Several days later

Rin lounged against the wall outside of Jack’s room with her gloves firmly in place. Patients weren’t SUPPOSED to fraternize outside of the common rooms, but Rin had been here a few times before. She knew which orderlies and nurses to finess, and which to avoid. In this case Jerry was the giant, affable St Bernard of a man that kept watch in this particular hallway.

“Wren back so soon?” he teased. “What are you doing hanging around the human handbook for the recently deceased?”

“Delightful, Jer. How is he? I mean really.” Rin hooked her thumb in the direction of the room.

“Easiest patient I’ve dealt with on account of he rarely speaks, pops his meds and keeps to himself. Gave us a bit of a row when he first got here, but I like the guy. I don’t know what to believe though. His sister’s been sniffing around administratives.” The orderly shrugged his massive shoulders. “Heard you took quite the piss on visitation day.”

“I didn’t take the piss!”

“Did ya do your handsy thing,” Jerry made jazz hands.

Rin’s eyes almost rolled back in her head, but suddenly there was a figure in the doorway which caused her to jump. “How about we don’t talk about the nutter like he isn’t 10 feet away and only 27 years old?” Jack insisted. His arms crossed and shoulders sagged in their usual way.

“Can we talk?”

Before Jack could truly answer, Rin had already pushed past him and sat down on his bed. His mouth hung somewhat agape before he eventually joined her. Jack attempted to sit close, just for some human contact, but the young woman beside him shied away.

“Right,” a retort. “You’ve started being just as bloody fucking annoying as they were.”

Startled, “Who?”

“You know those.. Schizo delusions I’m here for.”

“The dead?”

Jack’s green eyes narrowed and Rin knew there was a sarcastic remark just sitting there waiting to be released. Instead he curled his posture as if he was trying to fold in on himself. Make himself smaller, less noticeable. “Dissociations sparked by my father’s suicide.”

“Psycho babble bullshit jargon. Congratulations, you’ve become a parrot.” Rin waved her hand, “Jack has anyone ever-.” There was a hesitation.

“Has anyone ever what? Go on, enlighten me then”

Rin started stripping her gloves off but thought better of it. A sense of foreboding, of drowning and clutching her chest for hair flashed across her mind. The loneliness emanated from Jack without her touch. That empathic conduction of her skin. Reaching instead to place the soft leather against his cheek, her thumb brushed his bottom lip. Her eyes searched for him in that moment where time stood still before a mouth replaced a thumb.

To not only Rin’s surprise but his own, Jack didn’t recoil. His body relaxed as instinct took hold. There was a fervor in hands that got tangled up in hair. Tongues fought each other as arms made their way around bodies in an embrace. They held one another tight, the desperation apparent.

The spell broke when Jack laid Rin down on the bed and let his warm mouth trail down her neck. He was awkward and hungry like a teenager. He fumbled around her chest to attempt massaging her breast.

A snort came from Rin simply to hide the panic of rushing water when Jack’s lips came into contact with her skin. Maybe hers found it easier to beg off that inner eye from opening, but now she didn’t have a choice. They weren’t as deep with the surface just rippling only a few inches away.

Before she started to lose oxygen again, Rin began to squirm. “ Stop. Please?”

Jack sat up and faced forward as if nothing had transpired. His cheeks flushed and a hand tugged at his tee-shirt embarrassingly then stuffed between his legs. He blinked a few times as he breathing calmed.

“I only came to ask you if anyone had ever shown you affection. Held you. Emma.. Emma” Rin inhaled deeply as she forced Jack to hold her glove hand. “I know she sort of longs to hug you.” Back on his cheek to make him look at her. “Obviously I got my answer,” she laughed.

Jack silently replied by pushing his forehead into Rin's. They laid down again this time with their heads on his pillow legs and arms tangled up in each other. Jack nuzzled the edge of his nose into the skin behind her ear; her breath caught. Then the couple seemingly melted together.

“Jack you seem less-” fingers twisted up in his curls.

“Like a walking coma patient?” hand gripped the thick of her thigh. Then reaching a shelf above Rin Jack seized one of those creepy glass paperweights housing a floating tarantula. Turning it over underneath to show a tiny white envelope. “I started hiding my meds. Pass them along to my sister when she visits.”

Just under the surface of the water, still struggling for air exploded before Rin's eyes. Perhaps she had passed something between Emma and Jack. Was it her own faith that was transmitted to him? That first touch that woke him up after all this time.

The next few weeks became a game of trial and error. Of how little or much Rin and Jack could consume of each other. Kissing was no longer an issue once the meds began to wear off, lips and tongues and mouths. It felt more like standing ankle deep in a bathtub. Warm and comforting; it was Jack that was overpowering.

Eager to make up for a very long very lost amount of time. He stumbled along Rin's body uneasily because of how little clothing she removed at first. Not that he was in a rush to reveal what was underneath his oversized shirt and sweatpants. He wasn’t the one recoiling when the stimulation overwhelmed.

“I'll take off my shirt. Touch me here, but where the fabric of my bra is. Tease the nipple with just your fingertips. No that's.. maybe under? Touch them. Oh God. Now your mouth. Right there. Are you.. you took your shirt off too?” (She marveled at how defined, muscular Jack's body seemed despite his slight stature)

Jack took initiative now and slid his fingers inside of Rin. He pumped them a few times guided by her ``Oh.. maybe you can touch me.. Do you feel.. It’s like a bud or a kernel.. Here let me.. It’s just right.. OH GOD. Right like.. ” And she would ride his hand and fingers that circled that bud.

Rin would cry out in surprise. Her body exploded in ecstasy. They weren't drowning anymore. Just swimming, bobbed under the water and surface. It was the sense-memory of suffocating, coupled with the dazzling pleasure of Jack's warm tongue as it teased her nipples, his strong fingers teasing her clit at the same time. His hot skin meshed with hers washed out by fear. She apologized as they scrambled to arrange themselves.

“Don't think I'm going anywhere for quite some time, my love.” His words changed with the possessive my in lieu of the once meaningless sentiment. He would steal a chaste kiss from Rin whose cheeks flushed to match his own as he made that familiar adjustment between his legs. In the future, Rin would come to him without a bra but reluctant to take her shirt off when Jack kept on never minding.

Jerry became an ally of sorts. He always had been on Rin's side after she read him her second section. It wasn't difficult to get him to believe in Jack's abilities. Staff has whispered down the corridors that Jack had suddenly found himself aware of a suicide attempt. That dead reporter Emma mentioned, his fiancé had taken more pills than Rin ever fathomed any number of her attempts. (She had a flare for dramatics: slit wrists) Jerry mentioned Jack had a tantrum the likes of a toddler screaming the name Sarah whatever over and over, pounding his fists into his head to make whatever haunted him. Sure enough, this Sarah was found nearly having bled out and foaming at the mouth.

“How would he even fucking know, poppet? Not unless Jack really was chatting up her dead fiancé “ As if that was all he needed, Jerry turned his back and caused distractions all the nights the Empath and her Beautiful Broken Man longed to be together.

It was stunning the way Jack learned to manipulate the system. Only Rin, and reluctantly Jerry, knew he pocketed his meds. Safely tucked away in those ugly arachnid globes in the pockets or purse of Billy and Emma. He started talking more in group therapy and far less in private sessions. Engaged in conversations with his sister and nephew, true ones that resulted in a simple smile or a laugh free from a facetious tone. To the staff and doctors those fucking psychopharmeceuticals worked. To Jack’s sister and nephew and whatever Rin was to him, there was a slowly lifting weight making the air around him lighter. Yet Rin kept her hands to herself.

More trial and error. In the midst of fervent kisses, Rin took Jack in her hand. A stroke or two was all she got in before he spasmed and came. The mortification that flashed in his eyes as he curled in a fetal position between her and the wall while she whispered reassurances in his ear. Touching him, caressing him and eventually taking him into her mouth became easier and longer with practice and patience.

They laughed into each other’s mouths before Rin let her tongue trail down over his stomach. Anxiously Jack took off his pants and boxers, lying backwards. He held the back of her head, moaned and twisted as she licked and sucked on him. His hips bucked and thrust upwards.

-------------------

Present Day, Again

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed Rin. Tongue pushed inside of her, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me?”

Rin took a moment to think. He wasn’t drowning anymore. She could push that old feeling out of her third eye and bury herself in new ones. She took a hold of her shirt and tossed it on the floor. She took the erection that twiced against her thigh and held it just outside of her pulsating and ready sex. With hands that sunk into her vunerable skin, Jack buried himself inside of her.

That fire from Emma all that time ago poured from Jack’s body into hers. It pushed back the water as he pumped rhythmically into Rin. Building into a frenzy quickly, his pelvis crashed into hers before she could really come around to what was happening. It briefly conquered the fears from before; caused hot tears to spring to her eyes that flowed uncontrolled down her cheeks.

In his fervor, Jack noticed and bent to kiss them away. The gesture she had made that first time, a thumb brushed across her cheek and lower lip as he slowed his pace. Wren,” he took to calling her that tentatively. “What is it?”

Before she could answer, Jack became distracted by something in the corner of the room. Eyes passed between Rin and whatever it was that she couldn’t fathom or see. She took his chin and focused it on her as they crashed together and apart again in another wave of building friction. It was too late though, he had abruptly pulled out and away from her.

“NO! STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! CAN’T I HAVE ONE MOMENT OF FUCKING HAPPINESS WITHOUT ONE OF YOU LOOMING OVER ME LIKE A FUCKING PERV.” He used fists to beat out a rhythm on his temples as he scurried to the corner of his bed with knees up to his chest.

In the frenzy, Rin had been knocked to the floor. Jerry had rushed in, he was never too far away just in case. In a whirlwind, he picked Rin up with one hand and with the other attempted to intervene between Jack's fists and his head. What could either of them do? If attention was drawn to the room, surely the doctors would realize Jack had gone unmedicated for weeks. Jerry’s eyes wide gestured towards Rin’s hands. She shook her head, but Jack carried on.

“Go on Jenny Wren, there has to be something your hands can do. I’ll lose my job and you’ll be separated. They’ll put him back in the Zoo.” He was already yanking her arms forward and trying to remove her gloves before she could consent.

Rin knew The Zoo. It being rooms that could be monitored with two way mirrors. You got a bed and a blanket. They controlled when the lights came on and when they turned them off. No privilege, no real structure. They fed you, bathed you, and gave you “playtime” when they said. No matter how you suffered from mental illness no one deserved that. She would never forgive herself.

“JERRY LET ME DO IT MYSELF!” Rin bellowed if only to out yell Jack and his fit. “Make her go away! LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried underneath her. Her hands free, she flexed them a few times before joining Jack on the bed. She clutched his forearms and struggled to get a grip enough to pull them away from self-harm. “JACK! YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING STOP, MY DARLING.” She slid her hands over his temples before he could punch them anymore. She used the heels of her palms and pressed.

It was immediate, the way her mind opened to him. This time he was floating along the tide in a boat surrounded by what Rin could only guess were dead people. They grabbed and tugged on Jack’s clothes. Rin sat on the other side from him between two oars; she used one to swat at the ghosts who tried to pull them back in. But there, walking along the surface, was a beautiful young woman. Blonde hair flowed in waves down her back. Sarah.

“You said we would be together, Jack.” She was angry. “That’s what you told him when he warned you I overdosed. I survived that attempt, but not the second one. Where is he Jack? Why isn’t he here waiting for me?”

Jack stood up and the boat began to dangerously rock. Rin took his hand and he squeezed it in return. He bellowed at the dead woman, “YOU SURVIVED AND HE MOVED ON. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING FUCKING STUPID, SARAH. WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS MEANT TO EASE YOUR GUILT. HE LOVED YOU. YOU WERE SO LOVED. HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL OF YOU. I’M FUCKING DONE. MOVE ON. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND. AND FUCK OFF BILLY TOO, MATE.”

“Jack?” Rin spoke softly. The hands gripped her tight in place of him. They started to pull her in with him because he was useless now. He stood up to them for possibly the first time in twenty years. They would take her instead then.

Jack seized Rin’s body before she could go over in his place. He held her fast and tight and shielded her from them. “NO. You don’t fucking get ANYONE I love. Not Billy. Not Emma. Not Martin. No Wren or Rin. AND YOU DON’T FUCKING GET ME ANYMORE.” He took the oar up in his free hand and swung it around the bodies in the water. He jabbed it forward like a sword at Sarah still pacing the side of the boat. “GO, SARAH. HE’S WAITING FOR YOU. I PROMISE THIS TIME” Jack insisted and pleaded.

Then it was so silent it deafened both Jack and Rin as they clung to one another in the boat. In a flash and explosion, they separated and landed back on the bed in the room in an institution. Jerry panted and pawed at the two of them dazed and uncertain. Jack blinked a handful of times with no recollection of what just took place in his head and Rin’s. They never knew or remembered Rin had learned.

Jack scoured the room for any sign of Sarah or anyone else. He rubbed his eyes a few times then sighed heavily. “I.. I want to go back to my room now.” It was matter of fact.

Jerry nodded and helped him back into his clothes. Jack stumbled a bit but managed to kiss Rin sweetly before being led away and down the hall. Rin knew Jerry would probably give him something to help him sleep at least for the night and probably into tomorrow. She was afraid Jack had woken up a second time. Not just from his nightmare of the last twenty years, but whatever happened between them. It was a price she had to pay sometimes when she helped. There was something Rin longed to say earlier. What made her cry was an ember somewhere deep inside of Jack that he had never experienced before. For the first time in his life, he had hope.

#robert sheehan #jack #the messenger #robert sheehan character fic #jack x rin davies

58 notes · View notes

demonsforfriends · 5 years ago

Text

Just having a quiet moment to myself to sit and think about everything that's happened in the last week or so, and reflect on what's going on in my life right now.

It's been 3 weeks now since I've been in isolation and it's been a blessing in disguise. I didn't realise how much I needed time to just hermit and be at home and not mixing with the outside world. It's been over 3 weeks since I dissociated last, and that's something of a record for me. Even though we're having money worries, the same as everyone else, anxiety levels have dropped significantly.

Last week, we hit a bit of a bump. Well, a big bump actually. While anxiety has been a lot more manageable, there's been a lot of random depressive spells, and last week out of nowhere, I hit a wall, completely snapped, and made a really irrational, split second decision to end my life, and just went out on autopilot. For a moment, I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I was the source of all that's wrong with everything, felt like everyone's lives would be better without me in it and was just completely exhausted with the state of the world.

I struggle to do and understand a lot of things. Basic things, like working out how I feel, and talking about it, and dealing and acting on a single emotion. Feeding myself when I'm hungry. Showering when I need to. Understanding people's feelings and intentions. It's so difficult and confusing to the point of tears sometimes. But at the same time, I feel so so deeply, I just can't do anything about it a lot of the time, and not for lack of trying either. When I can actually pick up on it, I can feel deeper for others than I can myself. I've speculated in the past that I have autism, and never really thought anything of it, I just brushed it off and carried on. More recently, it's felt more and more like something I need to confront and deal with. Anyway, when I was off on my little suicide mission, I had a moment of clarity and I stopped. I turned my phone back on, and listened to the voicemail that my fiancée had left me and it absolutely broke my heart. She was so scared, and hurt, and confused and could barely speak for crying and it wrote me off. For a moment, I had a flash of confusion, which quickly turned to anger and self loathing. How could she love me? I'm so obsessed with perfection, but I am so imperfect, the exact opposite of the thing I've spent my entire life chasing, and trying to be. But as quickly as the anger came on, it dissolved. All I wanted to do was go home and make her feel better. I've always said that her happiness is my happiness, and I'll probably always stand by that. I went home, had a chat with the police, went with the ambulance crew to the hospital, spoke to the mental health teams, and went home to her. I felt so much remorse. We have regular mental health check ups with each other anyway, but that night we really talked a lot, about what I want, why I can't ever do anything for myself and the general day to day struggled that I have, and ups and downs that I have, and how to deal with my autism better. She also tried to work out how to love me better, which made me kinda sad, because there's no way she could do more for me than she already does, but she vowed to stick to it nonetheless. I've always believed her when she tells me she loves me, but somehow I believe her more now than ever.

I'm so glad I didn't go through with ending my life last week. I've experienced so many beautiful moments in this last 8 days alone. Things that would seem small and insignificant to some, but have been amazing and beautiful and really meaningful to me.

The first day after everything that happened, we spent the day at home together, mostly in bed. Just being in each others company. She held me and kept me calm for most of the day. Just the pure warmth and innocence of naked skin to skin contact was amazing. Jen sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the window, and as the sun was setting, I noticed the way the skin touched her skin and outlined her body, and it was truly an amazing thing to watch, so much so that I had to capture it. Her silhouette looked perfect against the dusk sky. I had a really profound feeling of being grateful to survive the previous afternoon, else I wouldn't have lived to see that moment.

Tuesday was a really, really amazing day, start to finish. One of the best days I've had in a long long time. Once Jen got back from work, we had a parcel arrive from Ithaca, actually genuinely one of my favourite bands. When the Covid-19 lockdown started, we bought a long sleeved t-shirt from them, because A. the shirt is sick as fuck and B. just to show some love and support. To our surprise, they sent us two shirts, the one that we ordered, as well as a bonus shirt from old merch stock, as well as a sticker and a handwritten note on the back of a photo of Djamila's dog, The Ham™.

Afterwards, we got dressed and headed out to go get some food shopping, and decided to talk through the park on the way home, and came across a beautiful bed of daffodils, so of course, I had to take pictures. The one above is my favourite, of course. Jen has the most beautiful smile, especially now that I know that she's happy for real.

After we'd been home, put the shopping away and showered, we headed out again. This time, to go hunt down a good spot to try and take some good photos of the "Pink Moon". We went for a nice long walk through the woods first though. It was so quiet, all we could hear were birds singing, the water running in the stream and the ground beneath our feet.

Once we found a good spot on high ground, we sat on top of two big rocks in front of some trees, one tree in particular was a a blossom tree, and we watched the sun go down, and just sat there quietly, looking at all of the colours meld and mix in the sky.

After the sun had set, we found the best spot we could find to set up the tripod and Jen sat by for a good half an hour to 45 minutes while I tried to get the best shot I could of the moon. I am honestly so so proud of this photo, I personally think it's one of the best photos I've ever taken.

I was starting to feel as though Jen was getting bored of sitting around, while I was indulging myself, as I know I often get carried away and absorbed when I'm doing something creative, and starting to feel like I should wrap things up, but instead, she took a big interest in what I was doing, and took the time and effort to get involved in what I was doing. She came and sat with me, and asked me questions about how my camera worked, and gave it a try for herself. I remember watching her try, and adjust, and try again and I remember feeling so much love, and feeling so proud of her. No one has ever gone out of their way to involve themselves in something that I love doing the way she did, and that memory, and that picture will stick with me forever.

This is just a bonus picture of Jen, because I thought she looked really beautiful under the glow of the streetlights and the moon. 😍

The day after/yesterday, after Jen came home from work, we spend another afternoon in bed together, to have some alone time. While the sex was amazing, as it usually is, that isn't the moment that sticks out for me, it's this one, in the photo. This might be grim, or kinda gross or just too much information for some, but I don't care. Now, ever since we have been together, both of us have become more comfortable body hair, periods, and pretty much everything that our bodies do naturally and we both find it beautiful. Something I've noticed, as well, is that people don't generally tend to talk much about grooming, especially when it comes to helping your partner groom and helping your partner with self care. Well, recently, we both decided to shave together, which is something both of us had to do before to please others, even though I never really liked it. However, this time is was different. Anyway, I have quite sensitive skin, and naturally, I get a lot of ingrown hairs, this time around have had a lot and it's been very uncomfortable and at times quite painful. When we were lay in bed together, I was in a bit of discomfort with it, and without batting an eyelid, Jen picks up the tweezers, heads back down there and starts removing and relieving all of the ingrown hairs. This really sticks out to me as a really beautiful moment. She was so gentle, and I was so comfortable that I felt no pain at all. I've never met anybody who treats my body with such care and respect before as she does, and she protects and looks after it better than I do. I remember being filled with love, and I felt like it was such an intimate moment, but a gentle, innocent kind of intimacy and it was beautiful. Another moment that will stay with me for a long, long time.

Later on in the evening, we went out for another walk, this time to go and meet Jen's mother and collect some food that she had got for us. On the way there, we came across a beautiful cherry blossom tree. Cherry blossoms are both of our favourite flowers, we absolutely adore them, so I wanted to photograph them, but I'm not a tall person and the tree was very high, so I couldn't reach to get a good close up photo of the flowers. Within seconds, she gave me a piggy back and hoisted me up high so I could get close enough to take this photo. We must've looked crazy to onlookers, but it was like we were the only two people in the world.

If I had gone through with ending my life last week, I would've missed out on all of these precious moments. As I said, they may seem small or insignificant to some, but to me, they hold so much weight and meaning. All of that would've been gone, within a split second of being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Stephanie Riddell, I wouldn't be here without you. I love you, so so much, more than words will ever be able to say. I can't wait to become your wife, so that everyday for the rest of our lives, we can carry on making beautiful memories out of the little things. Every day, you give me a reason to feel love and feel grateful for being alive. I hope you realise how special you are to me, and how meaningful it is to spend my life with you, however big or small the moment is.

#personal

4 notes · View notes