#i've been doing my part for people to watch their stuff ever since 'the reward'

[fauchart]

Ken, Mik and Leitha

In an alternate universe where everything is fine forever and the boys went to see Leitha some more after their adventures and everything is okay we're okay everything is FINE

Fanart for the incredible @talesofalethrion animated series in preparation for the new episode dropping on the 28th!

[genericpuff]

saw a post criticizing lore rekindled a while back, and one of the points made was "it's unfair to rachel that someone else can profit off and make money off her work"

do you profit off lore rekindled??? i don't remember if you ever said that you were monetizing lore rekindled, so i'm unsure where this piece of information came from

I literally do NOT profit off Rekindled in any way shape or form, it's a Tumblr comic that's free to read, zero subscriptions, paywalls, or ads.

I did just recently open a Patreon and apply my Twitch channel to become affiliate, but 1. my Patreon doesn't have any paid members yet , 2. my Patreon won't be offering rewards that limit the reading experience of Rekindled (it's gonna be like random doodles n junk), and 3. I haven't even streamed since I applied for Affiliate and people are watching the streams for art and lo-fi, not for any sort of exclusive reading experiences that wouldn't also be accessible on Tumblr (you just get to watch me slowly work on Rekindled while playing FF XIV LMAOO) All of these restrictions I have in place is to prevent exactly what folks assume or accuse me - profiting off Rachel's IP. At the end of the day I just wanna create an AU fanfic project, even if it's created out of disappointment for what could have been.

I *do* spend a few hundred a month though for my assistant. So I'm working on Rekindled completely at a loss, out of my own pocket. So in that regard, even if I were to monetize any part of Rekindled... it wouldn't be for my own profitable gain, I'd maybe be able to cover some of my assistant fees 🤣 (but that's just hypothetical food for thought, because as I said above, I don't want to monetize Rekindled because of the potentially legal and ethical issues in doing so. Making money is also just not why I'm making Rekindled because it's something I wanna just do for fun! Money complicates things, turns shit into a job :'0) And let's be real, in that hypothetical scenario, I don't think any money I could generate on my free to read Tumblr project would come anywhere close to threatening Rachel's bottom line 🤣

And this isn't to throw anyone under the bus but when people get suspicious of Rekindled profiting off LO, I can't help but think of the actual fans of LO selling handmade LO merch on Etsy and LO-style adoptables and other arts and crafts dedicated to their favorite comic. And I'm not gonna judge them for that, more power to 'em if people wanna buy their cool stuff (and some of it is really REALLY cool, like I wanna buy their stuff too LOL), I just think it's ironic that people separate the two because... I'm not a diehard fan? Or because Rekindled has gotten popular here. Beats me. All that "popularity" is still just a niche remake of a niche comic in a niche medium. It's not Spiderman Lotus levels of big 🤣 but I know it probably feels that big to people who are engaged with this fandom and spend a lot of time in it.

There's an opposite side of being a yes man that perpetuates similar behavior on the other side - when you come up with reasons to rag on someone just for the sake of it because you can't rationalize them NOT being the all 100% pulp of evil LMAO (and I see people do this even to Rachel and it's not fair imo, like people who use the Lolita thing as a way to accuse Rachel of being a legitimate pedophile? Like no, I don't think we should be normalizing serious accusations like that. I think she's just misinformed in a lot of ways at worst and suffering from dark romantasy porn brainrot at best LOL).

Like, as an example, I've also seen people claim stuff like I'm in the fan spaces telling people not to read LO and to read LR instead? Which like... why would I do that, LR isn't for the fans anyways and I don't gain anything by being a dick in their space 🤣 If my own readers are doing that, that's out of my hands (but respectfully don't do this please!!! there's a reason I don't use the standard LO hashtags and only stick to the anti ones!!!!) but again (and this is a big assumption so take with grains of salt) I think people just like to claim these things because they feel it's just naturally the right thing to do when someone who has opinions they don't like actually puts them into action. Because now they can't say shit like "well if you think you're so much smarter than Rachel why don't YOU write the story!" and "you don't know what it's like to manage a comic!" so they grapple onto whatever other argument they can even if it's misconstrued or entirely pulled out of thin air and not backed up with any legitimate evidence.

Their perspectives make sense to them. My perspective makes sense to me. I don't blame people for being suspicious when they see someone like me pour this much time and effort and money into a project like Rekindled, they assume it HAS to do with something they can rationalize from their own point of view, like wanting to "steal" Rachel's work or profit off it or take it for myself out of "jealousy".

Sorry to disappoint y'all with a boring answer, but I'm just someone who was once a huge fan of LO and couldn't let it go. I'm just someone who's way too hyperfixated, with a lot of passion for making comics and experience to match. I'd still be making it even if I didn't have an assistant. I'd still be making it even if I was stuck working with nothing but paper and pencil. Because I love making it and I love what it means to me, and I love that it makes other people feel the same way I do about it.

And that's really all I have to say on that.

[frauleinandry]

just finished the episode aigis dlc, and honestly...

just watch a FES cutscene compilation instead, imo.

long post of my specific thoughts under the cuts; it's not proofread, so read it at your own peril.

so, to start with, i've never played FES and the OG answer, but i pretty much knew all the rough sequences of events (along with the common fandom complaints) since i never bothered dodging persona spoilers when i was younger since i didn't think i'd ever get the chance to play the games.

one of the Big Problems most people seemed to have with the original version is that 90% of it is an unfun dungeon crawler, but i was pretty confident reload would fix that by sheer nature of it being reload. i mean, i loved the new tartarus gameplay loop - more of that sounds great!

except it wasn't. i couldn't figure out why at first - was it because of the reset levels, loss of the second theurgies/personality traits, or the lack of ambush mechanics i'd gotten used to? in part, yeah. i do think it would have been more enjoyable if you'd started at level 70 or so, and were at level 99 by the time the final boss rolls around. in normal persona games there's never any actual reason to get to that level after all unless you're playing some sort of challenge run.

but ultimately, i realised what the dungeon crawling segment lacked compared to tartarus. and that was a time limit. a huge part of newsona games is resource management. to optimise your time, you've got to complete as much of tartarus as you can whenever you go in. the full moon is constantly looming, and with it the end of your time in iwatodai.

episode aigis completely lacks that, however. there's no looming deadline hanging over you. you've got all the time in the world to tackle the abyss of time, and no stakes pushing you onward, nor any particular reward waiting for you at the end. the characters themselves treat exploring it as a chore once paulownia mall is unlocked, with good reason.

it also doesn't help that there's not much happening during that point of the game besides going through not-tartarus. the new conversations between aigis and SEES help, but there's no real change in the gameplay loop. you go to tartarus, see a figure that's clearly makoto but somehow no one puts two-and-two together, and get a flashback, rinse and repeat.

admittedly, there's no real fixing the lack of deadline issue. that's simply inherent with the premise. the makoto stuff, however, is a different thing. i love the resolution to it, with him being a proto-erebus (and everyone taking solace in seeing his face one more time again, even if they know it's not him - like argh). the lead up, however, is meh.

make it so SEES recognises him instantly - make it so they think he's the real deal, somehow returned to them from the past, but for some reason he's avoiding him all. make them gradually realise how odd that is (except for yukari and maybe aigis, who are in denial). make it so his appearance is what sends both of them spiralling for the next segment of episode aigis, the boss rush.

so, the SEES vs SEES match over the keys is something i like in theory. and i do like parts of it. i think junpei's character development shines through greatly here, along with some regression on yukari and akihiko's parts, which is also fabulous! like, this is some really solid conflict!

what i dislike, however, is the hackneyed 'if aigis loses her key she'll die!' storyline. it's just so... unnecessary? on that note, the loser-gets-turned-into-flames aspect from the colosseo purgatorio is also, uh, not fabulous, especially how metis springs it on aigis. it makes metis far too unlikable, and therefore completely sours the effect of her begging for aigis to be safe, because at that stage i had absolutely not forgiven her.

like, they simply could have had akihiko force aigis to fight since he realises she doesn't want to actually move forward into the future and he'd feel bad using her key for something she doesn't actually want. then, have it so metis was unaware of what the colosseum does to losers, which then make her realise (with fuuka confirming it) that it'll mix poorly with aigis multiple personas, preventing her from rematerialising properly if she loses.

i think the final nail in the coffin is that the bossfights are just... not fun? like, why the heck do akihiko and koromaru have counter skills. why are crit rates so nerfed if you're playing on hard. hell, i actually bumped the difficulty down to normal purely because the SEES team were absolute damage sponges, and i just got bored. i will say though, the way they actually use their theurgies was a nice touch!

this leads me to my biggest gripe with the DLC. i'd heard about it before i reached this point, which i think was for the best because it saved me an immeasurable amount of disappointment. namely WHY DID THEY NERF MITSURU'S MOTIVATIONS?! no, she did not make a promise to stay by each of her friend's sides if they're suffering. she made a promise to aid yukari specifically due to her gratitude over kyoto!! anyway, excuse me, i'm going to eat some drywall now.

i will say though that the erebus stuff all got my seal of approval. the final door was appropriately creepy (and the time travel to the final fight was a great way to introduce SEES to erebus), and generally, I have no complaints about the final fight.

my final issue with the DLC was the death fakeout for aigis at the end. it's just like the whole if-aigis-looses-her-key-she'll-die-for-real thing. like, the whole 'oh no, she's dead!', 'oh wait, she's fine!' thing is just. uuuuurgh. like, really, just have SEES worried for a moment when she doesn't wake up, and then have them realise using multiple personas just drained her battery lmao. same thing, but far less grating.

but yeah. anyway, very much a 4/10 experience, and a stark lesson as to why remakes that mirror their predecessors gameplay structure don't always work.

[otogariado]

can't stop thinking about that post mentioning how "jimmy feels like he is owed things"... i've been rewatching s1 with a friend and i still maintain the first impression i had when i watched it for the first time. jimmy is a guy who's so painfully trying to do the right thing but he just keeps getting screwed over whenever he does, getting punished instead of rewarded. and that just doesn't work for a person like jimmy who's internalized the need to "win" and "not be a sucker" since he was a kid by seeing how his dad and his dad's kindness and empathy specifically got taken advantage of. (a kindness and empathy that jimmy is shown to similarly share himself.) he's a guy who thrives on reward and validation.

and this is the most crushing thing about the reveal, the betrayal at the end of the season. jimmy thinks the world of chuck and his brother basically giving him a second chance is his main driving force to do things right. he spends ten years having a solid record, working hard and not getting himself into trouble, and eventually kim also becomes another person that strongly influences him for the better. he pursues the law because of chuck and kim. jimmy was trying to do things right, to keep his head above water (above board), and a big part of it was because he wanted his brother to be proud of him. but HHM doesn't hire him anyway, despite how much he worked his ass off to pass the bar and get his license. "no one ever accused you of being lazy... every other sin in the book, but not that one."

the betrayal cuts deep. jimmy deserved a chance to at least be properly considered by HHM as a potential employee, and cry about nepotism as they may in "chicanery", if only chuck had given jimmy a chance, this chance to prove himself—then maybe he wouldn't have gone back to resorting to questionable habits. to jimmy, he worked his ass off and still gained nothing from it. after he gets rejected by HHM i don't think much time passes until the start of the show and we see how demeaning his job can get sometimes.

it's not just his job or his relationship with chuck, though. "god forbid you have an office with me." this is a guy who's made big leaps in acts of love, even though kim hasn't witnessed some of it herself. (he did everything he did with the kettlemans to help her get her clients back. he pulled the ol' switcheroo on the mesa verde address to, again, help her get her client back. he left this job because at that point he only thing he really wanted was to work with her in their office. he doesn't like working with/under other people, especially when they feel stifling to him.) at that moment, he feels like he's owed an office—a "real" one, a joint practice and not just some shared office-but-separate practices thing. his insecurities tell him he's not good enough for her otherwise if there's not this big tangible proof of it. (and this is why that moment stings a lot for kim, because similarly, she's been sticking out for him—standing up to howard, standing up to chuck, standing up to suzanne... all people who belittled him, and she sticks out for him because she believes in him. and because she loves him.)

idk how to conclude this post i've just been thinking a lot about "jimmy feeling like he's owed things"... this isn't me condemning him for it or anything it's just more of a post trying to observe things from his perspective. (and as such some stuff i point out in this post doesn't necessarily have to reflect my perspective. although ftr i don't think being driven by rewards is necessarily a bad thing. everybody's just trying to find their own motivation to get through life, yo.)

[robyn-goodfellowe]

Hi! Not a puzzle person here since I SUCK at them, but I ended up catching up on it after reading The Way Time Twists and seeing some fanart of the puzzle, and it's been cool to watch this one happen in real time after thinking it was over. I hope this isn't rude or anything, but is there a reason you don't tag most of your hints? Good luck on getting it solved!

hiii its so cool to thhink there are like people that i dont know.who are following the puzzle :3c and dont worry i dont think its rude at all. itd be rude if you were like BITCH CAN YOU TAG YOUR INSANITYPOSTING SO I CAN FILTER THEM GODDAMN or something

ummm ultimately tho the reason i dont.tag them is honestly just bc i think any good puzzle/mystery/whatever this is (ehe) has to have a bit of scavenging to do! and that includes scavenging for hints and not always making them easy to find. i do try to cheat a little and queue them at specific times of the day (11a-1p, 4-6p, 9p-12a specifically) and keep a specific theme around the aesthetics used though. but ultimately its just like its a puzzle so it feels wrong to make everything needed for it just easy to find. at that rate i might as well just drop all the answers for it u know?

for my personal reference though i do try and keep track of them in a google doc. i actually have to start doing that with the pages too because there's plenty i've goofed up and had to remake last minute. so if anyone notices tiny differences no u dont <3

and u know someitmes it doesnt work out with dropping hints! there.have pbeen plenty of hints that have been drowned out, missed or juust gone straight over people's heads and honestly i don't sweat it too much. if a hint's not meant to be seen it's not meant to be seen and if i really want it to be seen i'll just reblog it again at a later date. but i've only ever done that.. twice lol. but for the most part i just kind of go with the flow its not my puzzle to solve :3 not really what youre asking but it feels relevant

thanks for the luck. im definitely not the one that needs it (so good luck to the puzzle sovlers if any of them see this ^_^ <3!!) but im really hoping it gets solved before i drop the new chapter ehe :3c i mean itll still have some fun stuff it just might not be as like rewarding ajfksdnf

thankyou for asking! i love to ramble so thankyou for giving me the space to do so 🫶🏾 i have bee drinking the same cup of coffee for six hours now i think im losing it

[antisatiric]

[ book ] sender helps receiver get a book from a higher part of the shelf. (bc 1. books and 2. this radio bitch is seven fucking feet tall)

"Nice!"

It's far too casual a word for the raptness of the attention that Alastor's offering commands; even as someone who's usually enthusiastic enough about literature, there really aren't many things he's managed to salvage that actually capture his attention like a good, classic historical fiction. Understandably, those aren't really in high supply here.

From the moment Alastor reaches up to pluck the book off his shelf to the moment it lands in his hands, his focus is completely grabbed by the surprising quality it seems to have been made with.

Not for the first time, he's pretty grateful for the open invitation to make use of Alastor's collection. Aside from general entertainment practically all of the time, this is one of the best 'rewards' he's gotten from the game between them.

Of course, even that probably wasn't completely without ulterior motive, but it benefits Twain just fine to have access to these books in general. It would probably be more beneficial if Alastor didn't watch him like a damn hawk every time he came over to this apartment, but then again, Alastor pretty much does the same thing every time he shows up to make himself a nuisance anywhere.

"I've been lookin' for somethin' like this lately. I mean, no offense to all the other books I've found, but they're a little action-packed for my taste. Get enough 'a that as-is, and anyway readin' about stuff like that hasn't always entertained me." It's more helpful in the long run for his abilities, but he doesn't say that aloud, obviously. "There's just some things that books do better, right? I mean, you'll probably do just fine watchin' a movie or what-have-you for action, but it's a little boring to watch people sit an' talk all day. But that's all I wanna see happen when I read."

He leans against the wall next to the shelf, eyes on the book rather than Alastor---though even this rapt concentration is a little bit of a lie, since he's more than interested in Alastor's miniscule reactions. Twain wonders if he ever gets annoyed by the rambling, and secretly hopes that he does; it's one of the only tools Twain's got in his arsenal.

"You've read it before, right? How was it? No spoilers. Just curious about your thoughts. Don't think I've ever asked about your favorite genre. Would 'horror' be a little too on-the-nose as a guess? I actually don't mind horror myself; when it's done well, it's done well. Anyway, I think it's only polite to know about the preferences 'a the person super generously offerin' me usage of his own collection."

actions. / accepting.

[pinkdreamcollectorsworld]

i wanted to send this as an ask bc im shy on public tumblr posts but! first of all good luck and congrats, fanfic writing is so fun & it's so brave of you to start & put yourself out there <3 i've been writing fic since i was 13 so i have a few (hard earned) tips, which im sharing just bc you asked for some !! i'm SORRY IT'S SO LONG OH MY GOD I did not expect to write my uh Ten Fic Commandments????? but dbdhdjwj here you go i hope they help <3

1) don't be afraid to mess up, like seriously. I had a HUGE issue looking back/thinking on past fics I wrote bc the writing was ~so cringe~. it made me want to delete everything, even the stuff that had good reviews. but I once saw a school play, and the kids were 11-13, and they sang and danced their little hearts out, and were any of them amazing? no. most of them weren't talented at all. but I grinned the whole time because they were having fun and I had fun with them. as long as you're having fun then so will everyone else

2) no one ever masters style or grammar or syntax or blah blah blah. it evolves every single time you write something new. the best way to figure out what YOU like is to go look at your favorite fic and analyze HOW it was written. then Emulate (don't copy; emulate) their style, their tone (to do this, you're going to want to study how they use all of those boring english class words like imagery and metapher and ominomonimepia. how do they phrase things, how much detail do they go into? how much do they describe? how many dialogue tags, and which ones? where is the verb in the sentence; before or after the adverb (i.e. 'quickly running' or 'running quickly'). You'll pick it up, and because you're emulating and no impression is perfect it will become your own naturally. And then you get to watch yours shift and shift and shift and shift and shift and shi

3) as long as you're having fun, try not to give a shit about characterization, editing, etc etc. you attract the people who like YOUR style and your portrayal, and if people don't like it they usually, in my experience, simply click away. honestly not even because they're good people, but because they simply don't have the time or energy to write a bad comment. laziness as a sign of genuine kindness (?) maybe so

4) I know everyone always says comments & kudos & bookmarks don't matter as long as you're having fun, and maybe to some people they don't, but if they do that's Okay. because that's a piece of you. they matter to plenty of people, including me!! It makes sense to share something and want to see your efforts rewarded. try to find a person in the fandom you're writing for, whether it's thru tumblr or ao3 comments or twitter or Whatever, & if you click, stick to em like glue, because they're about to be Spammed With Snippets. you gotta find a pal to be absolutely unhinged with

5) If you get stuck, skip. I can't tell you how many random snippets I have floating around for different ideas, or the same idea at different points in the writing timeline, stuff like that. If you have an idea in your head then write That; don't worry about the other stuff. That can come later

6) Speaking of getting stuck, if you're stuck at a particular part, just write out the dialogue or the action without any fancy phrasing. Whenever I get stuck I just start describing what I want to happen, and for me, it sometimes evolves into me picking up the narrative again. You can go back later to properly describe how kevin was eating his ham sandwich

7) have fun in your author's notes. go batshit. people love to see batshit & if you love to be batshit then embrace that so hard. be so so so so cringe and awkward and nerdy. i love to see a person having a good ol fashioned insane time & I know a bunch of people who do too

8) don't worry about editing if you don't want to. honestly it's so overrated. i once edited a chapter three times and had THREE OTHER PEOPLE read it through to make sure everything read well, and we ALL missed the fact that 5 guys + 6 guys most DEFINITELY does not equal 13 guys. in any situation at all. it was a laugh, helped me to not take things so seriously. I recently went back to have a laugh & even though I edited it to fix it at the time the comments pointed it out, there was STILL A COUPLE OF ADDITION MISTAKES THAT I MISSED AND NEVER FIXED. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS FJDJDJWK. you learn to laugh about that stuff, that's the whole point i think

9) please don't be afraid to mess around with setting & aus and such. feel free to turn that character into a cat Just Because. not everything needs an explanation & sometimes it's just more fun to be like "yeah idk he's a cat now Because I Say So! enjoy the chapter & if you like leave me a comment or a kudos!! 1 comment = 1 meow" just be totally unashamed of your good time, whatever that looks like to you

10) if you ever need a cheerleader, my ims are open <3 good luck, have fun, may the force be with you !!!!

p.s. take a shot every time i say 'fun'

I love this! Thank you!

[thepartyishere]

Yes!!! I've been diagnosed with celiac since elementary school, so around 9 years now. that was before being gluten free was common at all, anything specifically gluten free was super expensive (more than now) and kinda bad.

So I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about. celiac isnt technically an allergy but it's the same concept, I eat gluten I get miserably sick and it damages my intestines.

The number of times I've had people act like they know better than I do and have the authority to decide what I can and cant eat is incredible. I will tell them that just bc something is marketed as gluten free (domino's pizza for example) doesnt mean it's been made in a place free from contamination. I will tell them that eating that has made me sick in the past and they will insist that it's fine. I am not risking my health and wellbeing for the next few days over this. if I'm right, I'll be incapacitated in bed for at least a day.

in general, I think people need to care less about what others eat. Somone else's eating habits are none of your concern and you dont know their body and needs better than them. Theres also no way you know their allergy/condition/disability better than they do. if theres a miracle cure, theres no chance you'll know before they do.

Also, for gluten at least, finding food I can eat is so expensive. if there are a few brands of something, chances are only one is gluten free and it's the most expensive one. when that's the case for most things it really adds up. it sucks that finding food safe to eat is such a financial burden.

ALSO

I have literally heard people say that people with allergies should just stay home. and not ever eat out. How is it acceptable to just say stuff like that, that you dont want people to be safe in public and healthy.

I'm a person?? who wants to go to restaurants and socialize and should be able to safely. I really dont think that's so much to ask but maybe I'm wrong.

its tiring having to plan to bring food everywhere I go.

and its tiring watching everyone else enjoy the fun food they provide at work. when I decline they just push it on me until i have to say I'm allergic, then they get all awkward and sad. it sucks. same with when there would be parties at school or I'd get a reward I cant eat. it sucks.

anyways. yeah allergies and food restrictions absolutley impact every part of someone's life and they are not taken as seriously as they need to be.

I wasn’t going to derail the disability pride month post for people with peanut allergies but in relation to that topic

I have never seen another allergy that has been so viscerally hated and mocked by people working in education like nut allergies. I’ve seen fellow teachers cringe that their classroom was the “nut free” classroom that year. Support staff that are trained and willfully don’t follow cross contamination protocol in the lunchroom because it’s too “tedious” or “time-consuming”. Full preschools + childcare centers that refuse to accommodate nut allergies. Schools where the only free lunch is a PB&J. Before/after school programs and summer programs whose food curriculum has nuts and doesn’t provide an alternative activity.

Allergy discrimination is so so insidious and prevalent. It’s happening behind their back and it is everything from the exposure joke to possibly causing someone to go into anaphylaxis from willful ignorance.

Also other parents in the classroom are guilty too. The “not my child not my problem” brain rot means that those lunchboxes are like bombs for airborne exposure allergies

[fizzingwizard]

all sims youtubers want to talk about is cars and fairies, cars and fairies. especially cars cars cars cars cars.

i do not want cars cars cars cars cars. i could care less about fairies. the cars thing in particular i dont understand. sims is not about to become an open world. the most you'll be able to do is drive slowly around your neighborhood. and only in certain worlds (there'd be absolutely no point in doing that in willow creek for example bahahaha). maybe they'll give us a track like the horse racing ones and you can watch the car just go around in circles destination nowhere. for real y'all what are you expecting from a cars pack??? inquiring minds want to know

what I do want ever so much:

MORE INSTRUMENTS. let me make a band. let me be a singer in the band!! expand the singing skill! expand the options on the microphone! karaoke does not cut it! really i just want garage band tho no get famous nonsense. let's busk in the park together. let me play more than just three string instruments x'D flute harmonica saxophone drum kit plz and thank u

more non-American/European locations. they honestly did a pretty decent job on mt komorebi. now how about a world where the beautiful architecture that came in the oasis whatever pack would fit right in? how about a jungle world which is themed around the people who actually live there and not indiana jones.

dine out refresh? uhhh how about REALM OF MAGIC complete redo? like this is the only thing that would sell me on fairies, if it overhauled the magic in the game completely. realm of magic was such a promising yet such an empty pack. I especially hate that your options are "be a nice wizard who cleans things and makes flowers grow" or "be evil," and 2/3 of the spells you can learn are evil spells. and yes your rep does take a hit if you cast evil magic. even if you do it for good (like lighting someone on fire because someone else just hit them with the freeze ray and they're encased in ice... oh you saved their life SO WHAT you still set them on fire you EVIL WIZARD you). like what.

gardening visuals overhaul. I'm stoked about the increased usage for gardening with the cooking skill updates. I just wish gardening looked nicer. the plants that came with base game pretty much look the same. that's why when builders on youtube make gardens and farms they use debug plants to make them look more realistic. the plants that came in cottage living are great. really wish they'd just update all the older visuals for gardening. at this point there's so many cottage-y garden-y games out there that have nice plants and flowers it's like sims y'all can't compete. which is a bummer because gardening is somehow a huuuge part of sims 4. (and while you're at it update the base game food visuals too!!)

rowboats. plus lakes and ponds updated so you can row out on them, and the ability to go fishing on the boat. i think you can on the island living boat?? i dont remember but anyway that boat is too huge for anywhere outside of sulani so how about they just grab one of the many debug rowboats and make it functional. please??? fishing skill would be so much more enjoyable if i could do it in a boat instead of just standing in one spot.

okay my real wish is more boats in general this is really specific but i would buy a boat pack lightning fast. give me kayaking give me white water rafting give me going over a waterfall in a barrel hahahaha. i used to love going out in boats rl but it's now been many years since I had the opportunity. please let me live vicariously through my sims ;_;

new cool rewards in the vein of storm chaser and stuff would be nice...

I know I've made a post juuuust like this before and probably make one like clockwork every time people start going off about cars and fairies cars and fairies. but my wishes, as well as cars and fairies, remain unanswered. so here we are :P

[daydreamerdrew]

Ok, so, I've been playing Tears of the Kingdom this week, and I’ll put my thoughts under a cut in case anyone here is trying to avoid spoilers, with a big preface over the whole thing that this is just my thoughts regarding where I’m at in the game so far, without the context of the entire story:

I'm overall really enjoying the game- I’m using the new rune mechanics more than I ever did the ones in BOTW and I’m really enjoying exploring the surface world and talking to people and learning about how things have changed since BOTW. I am going through all that a bit slowly though because I want a good experience out of this game and don’t want to rush it. I don’t think I’ve explored that much of the sky areas yet and the underground world is a little too stressful and devoid of people to interact with to be as much fun, but I am making steady progress in it

I really adored the portrayal of Zelda and her dynamic with Link in the opening scene where she’s freely being her passionate scholar self and Link is quietly dedicated to her. that moment where he goes to take her torch from her without her having to ask him first so that she can take pictures of the ruins she’s so interested in is so cute

I am disappointed that it’s looking like Zelda is going to be in a different setting for the entirety of the game and so we’re not gonna get to see much of Zelda just existing in this world or of Link and Zelda’s dynamic depicted in proper scenes, even though that, like, makes sense for the structure of a LOZ game, because I am interested so in her and what her relationship with Link is like post-BOTW

and so far I’m just really not compelled by her storyline depicted in the memories, which is unfortunate because I had found learning about Zelda through the memories in BOTW so rewarding

the overall concept as I understand it by now is that Zelda is essentially reliving her experience leading up to the Calamity Ganon, except that this time she’s able to participate more fully in that lead up because she’s already accessed her powers and that the warriors from the different peoples are called Sages instead of Champions, and Zelda knows the whole time that they’re going to fail again because she’s in the past and has seen the evidence of their failure in her own time, which is just kind of boring to me. a narrative of a character being trapped in a cycle isn’t inherently uncompelling, but that Zelda is going through the same stuff again is so far just kind of there and nothing is being done with that specifically, so that part of the game is so far just the same story again

except that Zelda is experiencing an inversion of her upbringing with her mother who was supposed to help her with her powers but died before that could happen and her father who treated her as a princess before he treated her as a daughter because of the high stakes of their situation and couldn’t understand her struggles, with the King Rauru and Queen Sonia being positive surrogate parents to her, Sonia being able to instruct Zelda directly about her recall ability that Zelda wants to learn, and Rauru compassionately treating her like a person despite him valuing his position as king and his awareness of the high stakes of their situation. which is boring to me. it’s not that this isn’t rewarding for me to watch despite becoming invested in her from the first game, but that it’s unrewarding specifically because I was invested in her conflict of not being allowed to do what she was genuinely talented at and enjoyed in favor of what her father assumed would be the key to her unlocking her powers, which never accumulated into anything and essentially wasted years of her life, and never experiencing any understanding from her father throughout all of that. I did not want to see a depiction of Zelda’s life where she got a do-over of her life without those problems. I’d have much rather seen her in her adult life beyond the point of being parented, having moved on from what of her life can’t be changed because it’s in the past

the depiction of Link and Zelda’s dynamic in the memories is inherently limited by the fact that they can’t be together in them, and what I’ve seen of that so far, the tea memory where she’s talking about what she likes about Link, had her use the most plain and generic language to describe him, which is inherently uninteresting

there’s also a dissonance to me between the portrayal of the empire system in Breath of the Wild compared to Tears of the Kingdom, or rather not necessarily a complete contradiction as it is an introduction of a new problem for me

I wouldn’t say that the system of the Hylian Kingdom ruling over the other kingdoms before the Calamity was necessarily framed negatively, but that it’s depiction is really limited to how being a princess and being a knight impacted negatively Link and Zelda on a personal level. and there was nothing in the portrayal of the world at the point that the game took place at that suggested to me that there were any negative consequences specifically from the empire system being destroyed. I didn’t get the impression from the portrayal of the Rito, Zora, Gerudo, or Goron communities that they were worse off being autonomous and not all under a central ruler, or that any of them were particularly eager to go back to not being autonomous, other than that the Sheikah did still value that historical system

the tragedy is limited to the loss of life and the limited communication between the communities, which wasn’t actually that much better back when they were under a central ruler, and also doesn’t really require them being under a central ruler to fix

and what I’ve seen of the depiction of the modern world in Tears of the Kingdom so far doesn’t really contradict that. lots of people seem to care about Zelda and they are referring to her as the princess, but their concern seems to me to be largely because she’s already done so much for everyone by keeping the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years, as well as that she’s smart and kind and was helping people, and nobody is bringing up who her father was

however, what I’ve seen in the memories so far is strangely and unconvincingly in support of that system

in the memory where Zelda meets King Rauru and Queen Sonia she introduces herself as the daughter of King Rhoam of Hyrule. why would she do that? from her perspective, it had been over 100 years since Rhoam died. who cares about him. he wasn’t, like, vaunted as a particularly great ruler or anything. and he certainly wasn’t a great father to her. I don’t see why she would consider being Rhoam’s daughter such an important part of her identity, or why she would expect anyone to care that she’s Rhoam’s daughter, rather than that she was the one who kept the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years

and what seems to be driving the central conflict is that one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the good noble reason of providing and maintaining unity, and one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the bad immoral reason of enjoying power. I don’t personally have the suspension of disbelief for fantasy story that a monarchy system is good when the right characters do it, but also like… ‘oh no, Ganondorf doesn’t really like swearing fealty to King Rauru, he’s not genuinely treating it as an honor to do so, because he’s evil’ c’mon now

but I am at least really enjoying learning about Zelda’s life through people talking about her in the main world and there’s a series of missions where you as Link help with a situation that she was involved in that got complicated by her disappearing and through that learn about what she was up to. so far I’ve completed one where you find some missing farm tools that she borrowed from a stable and learn that she was working on a flower garden with the flower lady from BOTW- who maintained a maze of flowers around a shrine and would freak out if you accidentally stepped on one, making you have to start the maze again- which is just such a cool concept for this game to me. I love that Zelda’s making friends. and I do love how everybody loves Zelda, that, in contrast to how before she wasn’t well-liked because her not being able to access her powers was dooming everyone, is actually rewarding for me to see

[shawnjacksonsbs]

I stay lookin' for the right questions. 3-25-23

“Education is discipline, it’s deferred gratification." - Kar Woo

I was in an accident.

First one in years.

First one, in even more years, where I was at the one at fault.

I can't drive my truck. Which means I can't work out of it either.

Man. . .

In the old days, this would have been severely devastating on all fronts.

Not today though. Granted, I got some struggle coming, but this is only a small set back.

My mind is right. I keep my gratitude list at the forefront.

*I feel for the young lady, although her uncle showed up, she was driving without insurance.

You could tell they were just average people trying to get by. Now since it was my fault, I'm sure their car will come out ok, but she still got a ticket for no insurance and was in an accident so . . .

I keep my gratitude list in the same pocket as my insurance card these days, and thankfully for the first vehicle ever, it has full coverage.

Deductible is slightly higher than I wish it was now, but we're going to be ok.

A little shuffling of the schedule, and hopefully a way around for a minute, and we'll be back to where we left off before I know it.

Living right really is its own reward(s).

I can still remember back when I thought people did regular, responsible people things were . . .schmucks and suckers.

God damn I was so ignorant.

Too bad we can't do better before we learn better.

There's no time to dwell on that stuff, though. I've got grown shit to do.

I will always be on the side of understanding, but I know now some conformity is necessary because I live in a society set up to watch most people fail that don't conform, at least little bit.

I don't do anything wrong these days to warrant police interaction. Don't start something, and generally there won't be something, but that doesn't mean I think police over reach isn't still an issue. I just conformed enough that I'm not in their line of sight, because head on is not the way to win that war.

And I wanna be at least moderately happy until I die. Lol

Living right carries with it, essentially the same mindset for success. Success' definition is slightly skewed for me after living here for a while as well, but it's the same bit of advice I have to heed to be ok, and stay ok.

I used to drive beaters, without insurance all the time. I used to drive after staying up for days at a time.

They're called accidents for a reason, even when I'm the one liable.

You just never know when life is gonna throw you a curve ball, so the more prepared you can try to be, the better off you probably, actually will be.

I read somewhere, something like, responsibility is when a person chooses to limit their freedom to allow others to enjoy theirs, and I must say that I really like that. It actually helps all parties because if they do it too, everybody makes it through.

I'm also one of those people, nowadays (haven't always been) to do a little more, give a little more, share some and call it extra to help pick up the slack for those around us . . .who still haven't learned that part yet.

I wish more people were available to offer a hand up when learners are ready.

Anyways, that's for another day.

I know few things in this life, but one of those things is this: I've failed and started from scratch more times than I care to count. Minor, even major setbacks, ain't holding shit over me. I may lose my footing, I may even trip, on occasion I might fall down, but I'm getting back to full feet faster than . . .fast. lol

For now, just be fucking kind, and if you're struggling just try a little harder to move in the direction you want to go, and of course look for the helpers. There are always people willing to help, even if they are outside your comfort zone.

Also, don't forget to share your love and your laughter with the world around you. I promise we're all better off because of it.

Until next time;

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." - Nobel Laureate Naguib Mahfouz

Everything happen(s) (-ed) the way its supposed to. If wasn't supposed to happen like that, please go back and change it.

If you can't, I rest my case.

Call it what you want, destiny or god's will, or whatever helps you sleep at night.

Just know that if it feels uncomfortable, that's a sign, not to dwell on how it went down, but to do things differently moving forward.

Acceptance frees more than the mind.

[saturdaysky]

hello! i hope you don't mind a message, but i am just excited to see someone else who liked AMCE and would love to know if you have recs for books that are similar, because i've been thinking about it for like a month straight since i finished reading it and would love something else to occupy my brain the way that it did. no pressure to answer ofc, just happy to share good vibes over a book :)

I do not mind it at all! <3

I do have some books that scratched a similar itch as A Memory Called Empire! I looooved the thoughtful focus on culture and language and identity within an intricate setting, so these recs follow that pattern somewhat.

Under a cut because this got kind of long.

The Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie

Liked the exploration of culture, identity, and imperialism in AMCE? You will probably like these books, since they also grapple with those themes. Also present is the exploration of personhood, who has it, and who does not -- because our main character is a person who used to be a starship. Or well, sort of. Wikipedia has a decent blurb:

The novel follows Breq—who is both the sole survivor of a starship destroyed by treachery, and the vessel of that ship's artificial consciousness—as she seeks revenge against the ruler of her civilization.

These books are honestly some of my favorite books ever. They combine a really thoughtful and deliberate focus on all the stuff mentioned above, fascinating plots and world-building, and characters who absolutely made me Feel Things. Highly recommended if you like, say, emotionally closed-off and damaged characters learning to care and be cared for while also skillfully navigating an intricate web of power to pursue their goals and reckon with the harm they've caused. But with bonus smart thoughts about robots.

The Foreigner series by C.J. Cherryh

I haven't fully made my way through this series, but it's rewarding every time I sit down to read another book. The books follow Bren Cameron, diplomat to an alien court, as he negotiates the intricate web of politics and intrigue involved in making sure the crash-landed colony ship he represents doesn't get obliterated or obliterate anyone else, despite humans making some monumental fuck-ups in the recent past.

And when you live and work and eat among one people, how much do you really belong to the people you came from? Of course, neither side really trusts someone who straddles both worlds, and to cap it off, the atevi people he lives among are different from humans in a fundamental way: they have no word for friend or love because those are alien concepts to the atevi. They do not feel such things. Instead, they live by an intricate web of obligation and favors. Trust is something a little more practical and a lot more deadly, for the atevi.

But these are not heartless novels -- part of the joy is watching the main characters grow meaningful relationships, even though the form is fraught and strange and never quite means the same thing to the people on either side.

If you like slow and thorough explanations of culture where meeting with your friend's grandmother is a potentially perilous activity (because the tea might be poisoned, because she might take you on a hunting trip you won't come back from, because she's a formidable political power and might be trying to assassinate your friend, because your friend might know all of this and have sent you anyway, also your friend is the king) these are books you might like.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

If you like deep dives of culture, language, identity, and loyalty within the deadly intrigue of a fantasy court, I hiiiiighly recommend this book. The book follows Maia, the youngest and least-favored heir to the throne who gets unexpectedly crowned when everyone else in line dies and must quickly learn to survive the cutthroat politics. But Maia isn't cutthroat by nature; he is kind and must negotiate how to keep that kindness in the face of pressures that would be easy to solve with cruelty, as well as people keen to take advantage of what they think of as a weakness.

This book'll hit you with a lot of fantasy language at first (it's a focus of the book), but if you stick with it you'll be fine. You're learning all this intricate court language at the same time as our protag; he too is a little out of his depth at the start.

Steerswoman series by Rosemary Kirstein

I dearly want to go back and read these -- it's been a few years, but they absolutely sucked me in. The books follow Rowan, a steerswoman, as she tracks down the mystery of a strange and incongruous gemstone. In-universe steerswomen are basically traveling scientists and naturalists who have taken an oath of truth.

The books start out in what seems like your fairly typical Standard Fantasy Setting with wizards and dragons, but as Rowan learns more about the strange gem, it's clear that this Standard Fantasy Setting is...not as it seems. There are three things that I loved about these books: the sense of wonder and discovery as our fantasy scientist protag reasons through problems and begins to discover she lives in a sci fi world, the interesting relationship between the main characters, and the excitement you as a reader have when YOU realize exactly what mysterious object Rowan is describing and what the implications of that are for the setting.

The Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemisin

Riveting series -- brutal and beautiful. Straddles the line in some respects between sci fi and fantasy. Follows characters who live on a far, far-future Earth plagued by catastrophic climate events called "Seasons" that last generations. There are some people born who have power drawn from the earth; these people are alternately hated and ruthlessly trained to hone their powers to attempt to prevent another Season. (This sort of sounds like the setup to a YA coming-of-age novel, but it is really really not.)

The world and fantastical aspects are fascinating (cyclical post apocalyptic societies! geology magic!), and the books themselves explore family bonds, racism in both a personal and systemic sense, and broken systems and the wounds they leave upon the people within them even as those people wound others. The series is not a light read, but it is a good one.

Literally anything by Ursula K. Leguin

All of her work could be recommended if you liked AMCE. Her writing spans fantasy and science fiction, and includes thoughtful and moving explorations of some similar ideas: culture and cultural exchange, gender, different societal setups, you name it.

If you're looking for a good novel, The Left Hand of Darkness is a classic for a reason. If you'd like a sample platter of interesting short stories, The Birthday of the World and Other Stories is wonderful.

[kazablanka96]

Do you have any pwp stucky fic recs? I've been looking for some on ao3 for a while but I haven't been able to find any good pwp fics with good writing, good mature scenes and development, they're just so corny, like gimme some good plot man! x.x

Hi anon! ❤️

First of all, I wouldn’t describe a fic corny because no matter what, they are someone’s hard work and effort and there’s always something to love in everything. That being said, I understand different people have different tastes, so I searched in my stash of fic and my goal in the end was to find you ones that were more focused on the plot and character development than that on the smut part of the story. Almost all of them are E rated (and too long), so you know the good stuff are coming.

I am so sorry if these weren’t what you were asking for, but you can always send in another ask and I’d be more than happy to do another search with a different criteria in mind. And if anyone knows of a different fic the anon, or anyone really, can benefit from, please drop it in the notes!

 All the fics are under the cut because they are over 50 and that’s a long post.

These Streets ‘verse: The trials and tribulations of Police Officer Steve Rogers and his experiences with the locals in his precinct, as well as his involvement with the stupidly handsome roughneck from the ‘hood, Bucky Barnes.

The Firing Line:  When Steve’s dad is diagnosed with cancer, Steve returns to his childhood home to support his mom – a small town called Gold Cliff, Colorado. Ten years before, he left Gold Cliff behind him, left his no-longer-best-friend Bucky Barnes behind him, with the intention of never seeing him ever again. But Bucky Barnes crash-lands back into his life nonetheless, long-haired and one-armed and haunted, keeping secrets from day one.

Institutions of Love and Incarceration: The Winter Soldier has been sentenced to life without parol. His entire world had been condensed to a hot, cramped cell that he hasn’t seen the outside of in the four years since his apprehension. It’s hell. He has no means of escape, no means of terminating his suffering, and no means of distraction…that is, until he’s assigned a new guard. Steve Rogers is assigned the Winter Soldier as his singular charge.

There Is No Shortage of Blood: The long slow recovery of Bucky Barnes after his escape from HYDRA. (And the longer, slower recovery of his sex life.)

Choices We’re Given: Steve Rogers is a good man and a good agent. There’s really no excuse for the assassin in his bed.

Put It on Repeat, It Stays the Same: Steve and Bucky have a one night stand that turns into a friends with benefits situation. A weekend snowed in at Bucky’s apartment brings to light how much that really doesn’t suit either one of them.

What Gladiators Fight For: A new gladiator is brought to Ludus Stark. Steve Rogers is a disgraced soldier, who refused to fight for Rome.He doesn’t want his actions decided by others anymore, and accepts death until Bucky changes his mind. Steve fights to stop Bucky being sold back to his previous master, and Tony exploits the bond blossoming between them. He makes a bargain with Steve, if he fights and wins, Bucky will spend the night with Steve in his cell.Steve wins every fight, until the finale in the Colosseum. Hes not fighting for Bucky, but his Freedom, but is Freedom worth it without Bucky by his side.

If I Was There: Steve is lonely and the number on his phone-screen is unfamiliar. He’s not the social type, not even close, yet there’s something about the man on the other side that makes him interested. He doesn’t hang up until two hours later.-Wrong number AU in which phone sex is the answer and the question is irrelevant.

the Steve Rogers problem: Bucky doesn’t consider his Steve Rogers problem as a problem so much as the solution he hadn’t realized he was hoping for to help him through the transition from the Bucky Barnes he’d been before his accident to the new, shiny version of himself.No, the problem isn’t with Captain America and The Howling Commandos fandom.The problem is the amount of porn Bucky managed to write and draw about Captain America before finding out that he’s less than one degree of separation away from Steve Rogers. ‘Less than’ as in he’s sitting across the table from him.

Prince Charming: Bucky Barnes leads quite the charmed life. He has a thriving tattoo shop, a son he adores, the world’s best dogs, and a great group of friends — almost all of whom are in relationships. And maybe he’d been the one nudging them towards each other, but there’s nothing wrong with a little match-making. The world could use more romance.As for him personally, well, he doesn’t need anyone for the long haul. Not when every girl he meets is someone who he thinks would be perfect for someone else.But then Steve Rogers comes into his shop looking for some ink, and maybe that’s the problem right there. Maybe what he’s looking for in a relationship isn’t a girl at all.

Heaven and That Other Thing: Bucky Barnes is the owner of a cat sanctuary in Brooklyn, an ordinary guy by the Avengers’ low standards, and a growing problem for America’s favourite captain. Steve Rogers is publicly straight, endlessly bored, and has a habit of not fully thinking through his decisions when Bucky is around.

Keep Your Enemies Close: Pierce was an intelligent man. If the Asset was going to start remembering Rogers, it was best to give him an assignment other than the simple, point and shoot. The Asset’s Mission: Pretend he was James “Bucky” Barnes, best friend to Steve Rogers. He was to evaluate Rogers and see if Rogers could be used by HYDRA…or be put down if the Asset thought otherwise.The Asset now has to pretend to be Bucky Barnes, unknowing that he is in fact the man that Steve has been searching for all along. Pierce instructed the Asset to gain trust, observe, and report. How far is the Asset supposed to go to avoid his cover being blown? He guesses he’s just going to have to find out…

Of Broken Dreams and Mended Hearts: When the House of Barnes is left in massive debt after the death of George Barnes, their oldest son and heir, Bucky, is forced to sacrifice his own hopes and dreams by entering an arranged married to Steve Rogers. Steve seems kind enough, has a prominent job in the government, and was even voted Society’s Best Catch. But the House Rogers is significantly higher in status than Bucky’s family, which means Bucky is marrying up in Society, and marrying up doesn’t only come with rewards, it also comes with certain…expectations and losses–some of which Bucky might be willing to do anything to avoid. And those opportunities might come his way.Unless, of course, he actually starts falling in love with his new husband…

A Myriad of Misdecisions: “My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it”

Catfish: Steve Rogers is a famous movie star, known for his role as Captain America. Bucky Barnes is a bored law student who drinks too much wine. Bucky gets on match.com to boost his confidence. What he doesn’t expect is a guy using Steve Rogers’ pictures on a dating profile. Bucky decides to mess with the guy. After all, what idiot uses Steve Rogers’ pictures on a dating site?Not like it’s really him, right?

Give ‘Em Hope: Dr. Steve Rogers likes to think that if his patients have hope- their chances of survival will increase. Bucky Barnes has a 20% chance of survival and a desperate yearning to experience life. Against Steve’s better judgment, he develops a relationship with his patient. It’s illegal. It’s wrong. But it’s giving Bucky the hope to keep going, so Steve’s going to keep giving it, because he wants Bucky to survive.He needs him to.

A Love I Never Had: Detective Steve Rogers is not a cop if he’s dead. A Modern Frankenstein AU; or, the Modern Prometheus

After Hours: Steve wishes Bucky wouldn’t look at him the way he does – a deliberate gaze, subtly digging his top teeth into that pouty bottom lip; following his every move like a lion watches a gazelle. It’s been going on for months, perhaps longer… Steve talks, and Bucky listens. Well, that’s the point – Bucky’s supposed to be listening. Steve’s just doing his job, after all… No harm in that.The problem is that it’s no innocent gesture, the way Bucky will have the top of his pen tracing the outline of his mouth… It’s also not innocent at all when Steve turns to look out at the sea of heads while he’s speaking and catches the quickest glimpse of the brunet sneaking a peek at his ass. And Bucky doesn’t even pretend to be bashful about it. He just meets Steve’s eyes and smirks – just the tiniest hint of a thing.

The Match Game: Steve meets and promptly falls for Bucky Barnes, new resident in his apartment building. The one who makes him feel like he only wants to be with one person, forever. He just doesn’t know how to make that happen. Lucky for him, he has friends who… tease him mercilessly. And then help. A lot. Steve gets a lot of opportunities to get to know his new neighbor and thinks everything is going great, until Bucky reveals to him his own long-term relationship ended badly, and he doesn’t want another…but he might be up for a friends-with-benefits deal. 

G.I. Joes and 2AM Diners: They look nothing like what they used to. Time and life have completely changed them. But as they sit there in silence, eating two halves of one cupcake, letting Brooklyn remind there where they came from, and enjoying a sky full of stars… They are those same little boys, somewhere deep down. For just a second, you’d be able to see them again.And Bucky thinks to himself that maybe it’s little moments like these – fleeting as they may be – that remind him why life is still worth living.

Screaming Words (Left Unspoken): Living as a fugitive is hard. Living as a man who has to wake the love of his life from cryo is harder. Why? The codes in Bucky’s brain don’t have a fix yet, but Steve has worse news to deliver. Bucky’s dying slowly from self-destruct protocols inside him. Now, it’s a race against time to save Bucky once and for all.And maybe finally tell Bucky that Steve’s been in love with him since he was a sixteen-year-old kid in Brooklyn. Oh and not get extradited by the UN from Wakanda. That’d also be great.

Winter Gorgon: For as long as Steve could remember, all he ever wanted to do was what was right. So when he hears about his father’s old regiment being held as POW’s by the Nazis, he’s determined to put what Doctor Erskine gave him to good use and goes AWOL to rescue them.But the 107th isn’t all he finds there. Deep in the labs is a very unusual prisoner; one with snakes in his hair and a mask nailed to his face. Despite the man’s monstrous visage, Steve can’t in good conscience leave him to the enemy. That one act of mercy will change his life, the course of the war, and even the future of the world.

That Would Be Enough: Bucky Barnes, a Columbia University graduate with a Masters Degree in Education, is in his fourth year of teaching AP US History at Shield Academy, a private school in the very heart of the Connecticut valley in the bucolic town of Barkstead. He also helps run the Russian Club with his colleague and best friend, Natasha Romanov. He’s got amazing friends, three nephews he adores, and a beautiful little apartment. The only thing Bucky would change about his life? His luck in love. It’s been two years since Bucky ended an emotionally abusive relationship and he’s just now starting to feel that his heart has healed enough to try dating again. Then, a new Art History and English teacher arrives with tattoos he doesn’t like talking about, a body like a Greek god, and some secrets of his own, and Bucky knows he’s done for. Cue pining, sass, and a ton of Hamilton references.

Heat of the Night: Steve is a cop. Bucky is the kept boyfriend of the super rich bad guy. Bucky doesn’t really have any information because his sole job is to look good when they go out. But he gets Steve’s card and he calls him and Steve meets him for lunch and coffee and dinner and Steve knows this could be a bad thing. He knows Bucky could be a trap. But the way he talks, how he smiles at Steve, laughs like it’s a sound he’s not used to making…Steve thinks he could be worth it. Steve thinks he could be worth everything

The North Star: “You got plans to retire, Cap? Find a nice little beach in the Indies and a good supply of rum? Couple of pretty girls in grass skirts to dance for you.”.“Sam,” Steve mumbles, covering his face with his hand.“I’m sorry, a couple of pretty boys?” Sam grins wickedly.“Sam!” Steve looks scandalised, which gets him nothing but laughter from his Quartermaster. “You’re fired. Go throw yourself overboard this instant.”

Lemon Meringue Lies: Being a server at a high-end restaurant is working out well for Steve. All he has to do now is convince Bucky he’s good enough to work as chef in the same restaurant. Meanwhile, Bucky has his own issues to deal with. Namely: trying his damndest to dig them out of poverty, make sure Steve’s health is on the up and up, and not acknowledging his very longstanding desire for his best friend that is slowly eating him up inside.

Steve Rogers. Cheerfully Slutty: Steve Rogers. Cheerfully Slutty. But not going to take your shit about it. Bucky Barnes. Voted most likely to fall in love first.

Sorry, Not Sorry: All Steve Rogers ever wanted was to do what’s right. So when he drops in to volunteer at the Brooklyn VA Outpatient Center, he’s surprised to learn some veterans actually resent Captain America and everything he represents. One veteran in particular is determined to make sure Steve understands just how much he dislikes him.

Lucky Seven: Captain America trashes his motorcycle a lot. Tony says he’ll fix it, then never gets around to it and just buys him a new one. Steve, the Depression-era kid, can’t stand the waste and goes looking for somewhere near him in Brooklyn where he can get his bike fixed. That’s how he finds Red Star Bike Repair, and the hot Russian-immigrant bike racer who runs it: all long hair and muscles and tattoos. And for the first time since he woke from the ice, Steve feels a connection to someone; a comfort in the other man’s silences and his space, an attraction in his sheer skill at racing. But James Barnes isn’t exactly who he seems…

Above the Rain and Roses: But tonight, Steve is visiting The Armory. An exclusive club where unattached Doms can go and enjoy themselves with a good sub for the night. Not exactly the place Steve expects to find his one true love.Then again, fate might have other plans, and one sub might get in way over his head making assumptions about this Dom.

A Marriage of Ice and Fire: Steve Rogers hates James Barnes. The feeling’s mutual; their families have been at war for longer than they’ve been alive. But King Odin has had enough. He orders the two of them wed to end the fighting.It’s not enough that they have to look at each other’s faces without spitting; the King has declared the year’s tournament in their honor. They’ll have to lead the events together. They’ll be wed in front of everyone.

The Commander’s Omega: Steve Rogers is struck by a persistent headache as the dawn rises over DC.So are—simultaneously—Natasha Romanov in the Muscovite night, James Barnes in the dull grey of a Berlin afternoon, Tony Stark stumbling out of his Afghan cave, Bruce Banner in the crushing heat of the Nevada desert, Clint Barton squinting up at the Vegas lights, Loki Laufeyson under the Scandinavian sun, and Prince T'Challa amidst the West African rainforest.Surely it’s nothing but an odd coincidence.

Oh Can’t You See, You Belong To Me: Bucky Barnes has recently moved to New York and things are looking up. He’s got a great new job working for Tony Stark, he has a nice apartment, and his boyfriend Peter is fun. He just needs some friends. Unfortunately Steve Rogers doesn’t seem to want to be just friends.

Echoes In Our Minds: Steve Rogers is struck by a persistent headache as the dawn rises over DC.So are—simultaneously—Natasha Romanov in the Muscovite night, James Barnes in the dull grey of a Berlin afternoon, Tony Stark stumbling out of his Afghan cave, Bruce Banner in the crushing heat of the Nevada desert, Clint Barton squinting up at the Vegas lights, Loki Laufeyson under the Scandinavian sun, and Prince T'Challa amidst the West African rainforest.Surely it’s nothing but an odd coincidence.

Leg Day: The one where Sam is Bucky’s long-suffering roommate, Bucky is a hot mess of a millennial, and Hot Steve spends far too much time on the Lat Pull-Down machine.

Give a Little, Take a Little: Bucky’s nearly thirty and has never been spanked. For most people, this wouldn’t be a pressing concern. Bucky is not most people.

Trained on You: Bucky Barnes is disabled veteran who’s trying to learn how to live his life now without his left arm. His best friend Natasha pushes him to build up the strength and confidence he’d lost along with his limb at the Rally Health and Wellness Center with the help of top notch trainer/physical therapist Sam Wilson.Bucky knew it’d be hard work. What he didn’t realize was just how difficult it’d be to concentrate on his own rehabilitation at the innocuous, easygoing gym. But after he first lays eyes on new trainer and walking wet dream Steve Rogers, it’s all he can do not to fall face first on the treadmill.Working out had never gotten Bucky so worked up before. Go hard or go home? Yeah, he’s definitely going home hard.

Where There’s Smoke: Steve is a Brooklyn firefighter who is about to be saddled with a new, rookie crewmate. James Barnes is that rookie, just looking for a fresh start at a new station. Steve’s friends think they know what’s best for him…start dating his new crewmate. Steve thinks they’re crazy…or possibly right. But events from James’s recent past may pose a threat to any designs they have on each other.

Under the Bridges of Fame: For better or for worse (usually worse), Steve Rogers has been the most famous guy in the room for a while. And though newsreels have given way to YouTube, people’s reactions haven’t changed much in seventy-some years. Steve’s become an expert at keeping his head down and getting on with his life.A head-on collision on a busy street sends books flying and sweeps Steve off his feet. The point of impact has a name: James. A charming mess of long hair, thick glasses, and a crooked, not-quite-smile. If he recognizes Steve, he chooses not to comment, placing him firmly in Steve’s good graces. As far as Steve can tell, they might be Bogie and Bacall all over again, save for the group of idiots with selfie sticks who surround them. But for once, the request isn’t for Steve.Which begs the question: if James is James, then who the hell is Bucky?

Keep Making Trouble ‘Till You Find What You Love:  “No no no, hear me out,” Bucky says. “You wanna get back at them, right? Imagine the following: We date, fall madly in love, then have the most horrendous breakup in history and make them deal with that. They’ll feel terrible because they set us up, and we get to eat free ice cream and see their faces when we eventually tell them we pulled one over them,” Bucky finishes with a smug grin. “That’s a terrible plan,” Steve says.

Trust Enough: So they exchange numbers, and then Steve says he should go, and Bucky agrees, and they kind of stare at each other for a bit more, then Steve actually does go, but not before taking Bucky’s hand and squeezing it warmly in a way that makes Bucky want to shiver all over. Then Steve is gone, and Bucky is standing alone in the alley, grinning to himself. Right up until the moment he remembers that Steve thinks Bucky is an escort he’s just hired. Well fuck.

Took my love, took it down: The problem, Bucky thinks now that he has most of his memories back, is that his whole entire world has always revolved around Steve Rogers. Steve has been always been half of Bucky’s identity. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ best friend. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ wingman. Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ teammate. And now, well, now Steve had other people to fill those positions.

These underdog hearts: It starts in October: the sun is shining, the leaves are falling, and Steve Rogers is Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Push It Real Good: The way Steve had to steel himself to ask the question made Bucky a little wary. “Will you be my partner for a Lamaze class?“For a few long moments, Bucky just blinked at him, not knowing which question to ask first. Finally he went with the biggest question on his mind. “What?”

I just met you (and this is crazy): After Steve gets outed by a grainy cell phone picture, it takes the media less than 24 hours to discover Captain America’s secret relationship with James Barnes: classical musician, teen heartthrob, and son of a former president.The only problem? Steve has never met James Barnes in his life.

We Never Had a Choice (But I Choose You): When Bucky Barnes is abducted by political activists, the circumstances are simple enough. Desperation breeds all sorts of terrible decisions, after all, and Bucky’s captor is clearly woefully out of his depth. Maybe, just maybe, he can talk his way to freedom, but the more Bucky learns about the circumstances of his capture, the more complicated things seem to get. On the run and forced to trust the man who abducted him, Bucky comes to realize that kidnapping is the least of his worries.

Someone To Watch Over Me: One cold, winter’s night, Steve Rogers, retired Special Forces operative, finds an unconscious young man in the woods surrounding his property. In the morning, the stranger wakes up and Steve is left with plenty of questions about the beautiful young man with guileless eyes and a sheepish smile, who speaks with self-deprecating humor as though there isn’t a bruise on his face and restraint marks on his wrist.

A Hatemance For The Ages: This is what happens when you find your soulmate… and instead of birds singing and roses blooming, you discover they’re an insufferable jerk. But an insufferable jerk that you low-key really want to bang, if nothing else because MAYBE THEN THEY WOULD SHUT UP.

Home Is Wherever I’m With You: This is what happens when you buy a house to flip having only seen the online images: you get more than you bargained for. Bucky Barnes brings all the tools to handle a dilapidated home, but he’s hardly prepared for a smart-mouthed child (with poor aim), a crying baby, and the hottest dad he’s ever seen in his life living right next door.

Sugar Sweet: College Student Bucky finds himself immediately attracted to Steve. He knows that Steve’s a bit older than him, and that Steve himself is put off by the age difference… But that doesn’t stop Bucky from wanting to climb him like a tree. AKA a Sugar Daddy AU that no one was asking for.

Parallels: At the end of “Captain America: Winter Soldier,” Steve fell from the helicarrier into the water. He wakes up, however, in an alternate universe where he and Bucky are dating.

Parallels 2: Bucky wakes up from cryo in a parallel universe - in which he works at a coffeeshop and Steve is his favorite customer.

… and I know the ask clearly asked for E rated fics, but those are some PG-13 ones with some solid plot and development, or at least for me, that I think worth mentioning:

It’s No Coincidence: The kids immediately scream, “Trick-or-Treat” before they see who opens the door.The strange resident looks between the two kids, then at the adults, and his eyes widen in horror.“It’s October already? “Okay, Bucky thinks.This guy is probably high.

A Working Romance: Eddie just wants to make a good documentary about good, normal people. Tony Stark just wants to manage his branch and make his dad proud. Bucky Barnes just wants to sell paper without pining over the receptionist. Steve Rogers just wants to draw superheroes and marry Peggy Carter. Sam Wilson just wants Bucky and Steve to get their act together.AKA The Office AU no one asked for.

Leave Me On The Mountain:  Bucky is certain that he’s about to die, cold and lost in this mountain forest. But just as he thinks that the wolves have him, someone finds him and takes him in.

Thawing: Heroin. It’s a helluva drug.

The Necrofloranomicon: Bucky didn’t want much. Just to keep his head down, to sell his scavenged flowers in peace, and to stay off Shield’s radar. His life would have been a lot easier if his flowers weren’t dead and if being a necromancer wasn’t illegal, but easy or not, he was getting by. Steve didn’t want much, either. He was happy working for Shield, he had good friends, and overall his life was going just about the way he wanted it. Problem was, being happy with your life was generally an invitation for fate to throw a spanner in the works—and in Steve’s specific case, it was going to be a spanner named Bucky.(A love story about flowers, trust, and magic and the choices we make about doing what’s right.)

… aaaand that’s it folks! Sorry for the long post, and again, if anyone has a fic or seven to rec, please write it in the notes for us all to enjoy! 

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. There was a big stressful part of the beginning but the majority of the day was very good. There was even a special surprise. And yoga.

I slept super poorly last night. I couldn't fall asleep for forever because I felt sick and nauseous and bad. And then when I did fall asleep I woke up a few times again. Air conditioner turned off in the middle of the night and James rollover next to me and I woke up just horribly uncomfortable. He wouldn't turn the air conditioning back on that because he always takes care of me. And I was able to sleep until about 7.

James was awake and told me I could keep sleeping but I didn't really want to. I wanted to lay there so I just played on my phone for a while. And then I got up. I got cleaned up and dressed and I felt okay.

I hung in my hammock for a little bit and then James told me he made a waffle. And I was like okay. And I was confused because he had asked me what I wanted for breakfast last night and I said I was going to have the avocado scramble thing I made the other day. And then he remembered that after he made the waffle and felt very bad. But it was fine. He made the thing I wanted and he had the waffle for breakfast instead.

I got the best boyfriend.

We hung out for a while and then left to go to the bus. James walked me there. And then bus proceeded not to show up for almost a half an hour. I was very frustrated. Because it was supposed to be there at 9: 30 but it didn't come until almost 9:50. And we had been there since 920. So I was very stressed out and I hate being late!! I texted Tiffany and let her know and I was just very distressed.

I was about 15 minutes late in the end. Sucks. I'm going to try to get an earlier bus tomorrow. So even if it runs late I will hopefully have the same issue. Because seriously we were three blocks away from access art and our bus driver saw someone on the street that he knew and he park the bus and got off to go have a conversation with him. I was losing my mind.

But I got there and everyone was fine. We're just lesson planning so it wasn't like I was missing anything yet but I hate being late. We all kind of bullshitted and talked for a little bit and then the teacher from holistic Life Center came.

He was a really nice guy. He told really funny stories and he was young and covered in tattoos and wearing a Orioles yoga shirt. He mostly talked about mindfulness. A little bit of yoga. And we learned a lot about breathing exercises. I felt very Vindicated and validated about the types of breathing exercises I already do with the kids when they're upset or hurt. But I learned some really interesting ones today. Specifically that I breathe wrong and I'm trying to retrain myself but it's very hard. It was very enjoyable even though I hated sitting in the folding chairs for that long. My feet don't reach the ground and it's uncomfortable.

But we also played a couple mindfulness games at the end of that was cool. Stuff that we can use in the classroom and it's awesome. I'm really glad that we were able to do that.

We had a late lunch. Marcus went down the street and got me a spring roll. Was very good. And I worked on my lesson plan. Almost out. I think I'll probably end up finishing it tomorrow. And then I'll go back in and make sure it's all good. I also think I want to use a couple other visual things for the classroom. And maybe add some tutorial images of some kind. We have tomorrow and Friday to finish lesson plans. And even with my brain breaks where I sketched tattoo ideas I still got a lot done.

While I was taking a break on my lesson plan I was looking at eBay and I got a crazy good deal on a Furby buddy. Something that I've been trying to get for 2 months now there's a little plush versions of the Furbies. I don't absolutely love them but people use them to make the long Furbies. And I'd like to try my hand at that. And I got one for $5. Usually they go for $35 to $40. I am very excited. I think I'm going to use it slightly as part of my example for my quilt making lesson. I'm going to make its belly pattern based off of Victorian crazy quilts. I'm very excited.

At 3 we finished up. We all decided on which weeks we should be teaching our lessons and when. Was decided that my quilt project would go first which makes me slightly nervous but it's probably a good idea. Because it's community building project we're going to kind of have all the kids get out there art things right away before they jump into other projects and I think that will work out nicely.

And then me and fitsum went home. His driving kind of makes me nauseous. Lot of fast speed up and then stopping. But we had a nice conversation about capitalism and its downfalls. And talked about apartments because he's moving as well. We saw a couple meet cars that we pointed out and talked about. It was a good time.

He dropped me off and I made some food. Did a couple packing things. Made a pile of the furniture and getting rid of. And just kind of hung out. Me and James were going to have dinner together but I kind of just wanted to be by myself a little bit. My dad's going to come visit this weekend and he's going to take the bed. So really these are the last couple days I'm ever going to live alone if all goes according to plan. And it feels very strange. I've lived alone for a long time. But I am excited. Nervous but excited.

I was just kind of chilling. Even though it was too humid in here to call it chilling. Playing Animal Crossing and watching videos. And then I decided to go check the mail.

I was excited because I had a package. But then I saw that there was a letter in there as well from the Minneapolis Apartment project. Which means it's from the class action settlement. Which means it's a check. When we won the settlement last year they said that we would get all of our rent back. But of course it was going to go into appeals. So we would probably just get a portion of our rent back. And honestly getting any amount of money from living in those apartments would be fine. But I was so nervous about opening this check. So he opened my package first. And it was socks! very exciting. I was looking forward to those socks. They're black and they have little hearts on them.

But I couldn't put off opening the check any longer. And I did and if I did my math right I thought about nine months worth of rent back. And the checks that this might not be the only check. That I might get more? Like after all the lawyers and fees are paid if there's anything left over there going to send another check. That's wild. And like all of my money stress. The $40 me and James got scammed out of the other day. James his bike breaking. Moving. All of it. This kind of feels like a buffer. We don't have to worry about it now. Least for a while. And I'm making more money and if he gets this job he's going to be at making more money. And even if he doesn't get this job he's going to keep looking until he does get something good. Don't have to be so stressed out and nickel-and-diming ourselves all the time. it's exciting. It feels Like the universe is telling me everything's going to be okay. That means using my white privilege to help make the lives of my neighbors and Minneapolis better is being rewarded. And that sometimes being a good person and trying to help other people does pay off in the end. And sometimes in cash.

I kind of didn't know what to say when I open the check. So I called James and let him know. And then I called my dad. We talked about taxes and he's going to check with the tax lady to make sure that I have put enough aside next year. I don't want to have an issue. But yeah it's exciting. And it was good to hear dad. He sounds a lot better. And he's looking forward to coming on Sunday and I'm looking forward to having him here. We're going to patch holes but hopefully we'll also do something else. Maybe we'll eat some good food and maybe we'll go see something interesting. Unsure of what yet but I'll figure that out.

I called Jess next to let her know. And she was very excited for me. And then I went back to packing. I brought more stuff from the basement. I broke down all of my Furby boxes. I don't know why I'm keeping them but it feels weird to throw them away. So flat in the Middle East to put them in storage. And I use the box that I have been storing them in to put kitchen stuff in. Paper towels and Ziploc bags. That one bottle of alcohol I always have. And then I took a shower. I painted my toenails and I'm just watching videos and enjoying my night.

Back to lesson planning tomorrow. And then I think falafels with James. No matter what it's going to be a good day. I can feel it. Hope you all have a good night tonight. Be kind to each other. Go out of your way for someone else. Don't expect anything in return. Good night

[donnerpartyofone]

I've found myself looking at my relationship with my sister in a new light and wondering how to deal with drawing a line. I get along better with her than anyone I've ever met, but it really struck me how her anxiety reaction really conditioned me in a way that makes me walk on eggshells and focus on accommodating her above all else. I feel bad because I can't blame her for her anxiety but she can get somewhat abusive when she can't communicate what she needs and I don't know how to help her.

that’s really rough, thanks for talking about it. that definitely sounds like a situation you truly can’t do much about, if anything, it’s just a test of your character. i admire your perseverance. this might be way beyond your means, but it seems possible that some kind of joint counseling might be in order, to try to help her develop some better communication skills, and help you figure out how to put your foot down in a healthy productive way. i’m just speculating, though, that sounds really difficult.

i hope you won’t feel offended when i downshift into something much more casual. i’ve been obsessing over it and can’t think of what to do but vent. i’m struggling with this situation where i guess i COULD just say “you know what, i love you, but being friends with you takes away more energy than i get back.” i’m just kind of unwilling to do that, yet, and i don’t have a lot of experience separating from a friend in whom i still have a lot of emotional investment. ordinarily, i cut difficult people out way before they’re close enough to me to cause even slight problems; the only really dramatic rifts i’ve ever co-created were in romantic relationships. i’ll probably delete this in a bit, since it doesn’t really serve anything here, but for now i my erupt.

this dear friend of mine has really serious ADD and a complex of other problems for which she is medicated and sees several different mental health professionals. almost every time we interact, i have to think very deliberately about how she’s not ignoring me or taking me for granted or being argumentative or making laborious requirements of me on purpose, she has legitimate problems focusing and prioritizing, or noticing when she’s being destructive. we BASICALLY get along great; she’s extremely lovey dovey with me to the point of adulation, and we’ve shared a lot of hard times and personal secrets, so i know the relationship itself is real, even during the times when i can’t seem to get her respectful attention. it’s curious because she’s really pretty successful due to her genuine talent and charm, but once in a while she’s so disorganized and demanding that i think HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN TO THIS PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.

here are a couple of good examples of what it can often be like to know her:

- she cuts my hair. i pay full price, as an actual customer, for this service, and it’s invariably complicated and maddening. i don’t want to stop going because she’s the only stylist i’ve ever been satisfied with, and also it would definitely cause emotional problems between us. but, she rearranges her schedule on me constantly, up to the very last minute, to the point that i’m standing around her neighborhood killing time and watching my phone to find out if and when i’m going to actually be seen. most recently, to try to avoid the usual problems, i emailed her more than two weeks in advance of the 26th, by which date i NEED to have my hair cut for a wedding. she told me to text her instead. i repeated the question via text, and she asked me repeatedly if i’m available saturday. i reexplained that, no, that would be a week and a half too early, i need it as near to the 26th as possible. she told me she’ll be out of town around then, but she’ll give me her latest availability. i never heard back. a week later my fiance texted her to ask if she can fit us both in for an appointment close to the 26th. she told us that she’s “waiting on a confirmation” from someone else (even though i had asked her a week prior), and then offered us “wednesday”. he asked if she means the 17th or the 24th. we didn’t hear anything for the rest of the day, even though the 17th was in less than 24 hours. at midnight she finally replied that she meant the 24th–exactly what i asked for in the first place.

- the following event, which could have taken two minutes, took place over about two weeks: she was working on a writing project. i offered to read it and give her some friendly feedback, if she wanted. she passionately insisted that she could NEVER take advantage of my talent for free, that she MUST pay me. i reminded her that i’m not a real editor, and i was just being friendly, but she INSISTED. so i say ok, what would you be willing to pay for this? she said she CAN’T decide what to pay me, I HAVE TO decide what my services are worth. i suggested that we could just trade for haircuts, but that was deemed to be too unprofessional for this imaginary reward she thinks i deserve. inventing a rate was difficult because i don’t deserve a professional rate, and i don’t even know what it would be. so, hypnotically embroiled in this stupid conversation, i did all this research and this fake math, and came back to her with a rate. she dramatically declared that she CANNOT afford it, and is therefore unworthy of my illustrious services. at this point i’m sitting there thinking…how the fuck did i get into this? all i did was offer to read her thing if she wanted a fresh pair of eyes. now i’ve spent two weeks negotiating and doing this pointless research project, just to build myself up to something that i’m not and don’t want to be, only to have her like sort of grovellingly fire herself from the situation because she’s so undeserving or whatever. of course, she wound up trading me haircuts. once the writing finally started, any time i gave her notes, it was a nightmare. if i was critical, she wouldn’t really buy my suggestions. if i was encouraging, she’d borderline call me a liar, as if i were ripping her off, and angrily insist that i be “brutally honest” and “tear her to shreds” etc. at that point, i would re-remind her that i’m not an editor, and it sounds like she knows what she needs–a real editor. eventually she let me off the hook, but almost only because she backburnered the project indefinitely while she works on something else.

this makes it sound like all i have to do is not get involved in anything vaguely professional with her, but it’s more pervasive than this. like, i’ll ask if she wants me to bring anything when i come over, and she’ll ask for a couple of small snacks, but then when i show up with them, she spins out into this thing about how i’m SO WONDERFUL and she feels SO BAD that she MADE ME bring her food, and her solution is to try to force me to keep the food, which was very cheap and which i don’t even want. i’ll have to argue with her about it intermittently for the rest of the night, and there’s nothing i can do to convince her that having this insane fight, about something i volunteered to do, is a much bigger inconvenience than the $3 i just spent on cliff bars for her. i suppose i could simplify all this by saying she’s the kind of person who will ask if you’re mad at her or something, and you say you’re not because you’re not, and then she’ll ask you again and again until you really ARE angry, at which point she thinks she was right all along. my fiance has noted that she doesn’t behave this extremely with him, and we often suspect that she’s instinctively recreating dramas that took place between her and her mother, or her and her ex-girlfriends or something, and i just happen to be a really good proxy for whatever the story was there. being tolerant of her makes her suspicious of me, but if i get aggravated, then i’m being untrue to myself, and getting wrapped up in some sort of mythology that isn’t actually about me.

she is fundamentally an exciting and affectionate person; she has tons of admiring friends, and interesting people always want to support her projects, for good reason. i value her friendship, and i don’t THINK i really want to part ways with her. however, i also don’t think she has the emotional stability to have a constructive conversation about her behavior (especially when she really craves for me to hate on her or something), and i haven’t seen her demonstrate an ability to change and control her behavior anyway. being the kind of person i am, i constantly fantasize about tying her to a chair and describing all the stuff that she does, how it doesn’t help her, and how it negatively impacts our relationship (and i’m sure many of her other relationships), and just totally deprogramming her with my brilliant logic–but of course that’s all complete nonsense. since i’m the one with control, i think i just have to train myself to stop getting so wound up and trying to envision how to “fix” her. i don’t even have to see her more than once a month, sometimes not even that often. i gotta get a grip.