#i've been a mess for months now aaaaaa

[vimeddiart]

I DREW MY OC TOAST AAAAAA

The folks at XPPen sent me the XPPen Deco Pro (Gen 2):

XPPen is having its 18th anniversary, and is celebrating with sales and product promos, so it's worth checking those out.

My thoughts on the tablet (and purchase links) under the cut!

⭐ Review ⭐

First impressions: After unboxing the tablet, I thought it sleek and professional-looking, especially after setting it up with my PC.

The remote I LOVED right out of the box because I enjoy fiddling with buttons and wheels. The keys are super satisfying to press.

The pen and storage case are nicely complete, lots of spare nibs to switch out (though I mainly stuck to the default nib while drawing, the textured ones have a nice gritty feel similar to paper).

I had some troubleshooting when I started, as connecting to Bluetooth wasn't happening with either the tablet or the remote. I tested the Bluetooth connection with a different device and my phone successfully, but couldn't with my work PC. I was promptly helped by XPPen Support, and it turned out to be a Windows update messing things up, so I uninstalled it and Boom; I could connect both the tablet and remote, no problem. Up until then, I used both via cable, which was a convenient option!

The tablet: The XL model at 15 x 9 inches, with plenty of space to work (although you'll need space to put it, luckily I have a lot of desk to spare), and can connect via cable or Bluetooth. It also looks so dang pretty.

The tablet was so smooth, and the pressure (16k pressure levels) felt amazing to draw with. After fiddling around with the pen settings, I barely had to press down to get a nice flowy line.

I usually work on a screen tablet, so it took some getting used to returning to a pen tablet and looking at my PC screen again, but it came back to me quickly. It actually helped my posture, as I tend to shrimp-curl over my screen tablet while working.

As lovely as it was to work on, I feel this size may be too large for me, despite it being perfectly proportional to my PC screen. I like to draw quickly, and I noticed myself making more effort to travel over the surface of the tablet and tiring my arm out faster than usual. I needed to take more breaks and stretch often, although I could classify that as positive. That said, this tablet has a sloped resting area that helped. All my drawing tablets have been medium-sized, so I'm probably just conditioned to that surface area.

The battery lasted as long as it took to draw this piece and more! I didn't need to charge it the entire time.

The remote: I love this thing so much. It has ten shortcut keys and a wheel you can configure to your heart's desire. Five sets of key functions!!! That's fifty shortcuts!! I only configured four sets and struggle to memorise them, but it's very convenient. I have my keyboard right next to the tablet and would bang out shortcuts there, but this remote changed my life.

I've been using it for a month now, and it still hasn't needed charging!

The pen: Comfy to use, with a design I was already accustomed to, and one thing I noticed was that the nib wasn't scratching the heck out of the tablet. After all the drawing I did with it, not a single mark.

I LOVE popping the case open to retrieve or store the pen, and it's one of those physical things that I find satisfying and so rare with digital products. I thought it would be nice to have a pen stand too, but I have pet birds that will (and have) run away with my tablet pens, so a storage case is a strong solution.

Final thoughts: This is a solid tablet with the potential to become an essential tool for industry professionals and freelancers. I didn't think I could be convinced out of a screen tablet, but I was offered a super strong contender. I can confidently recommend it, plus my experience with support was a positive one that boosted my trust in the brand. Overall, I had a great time using this tablet and really appreciate the opportunity I've been given to try it out!

⭐ Purchase links ⭐

US Walmart Store

CA official store

[aego-weaver]

AAAAAA - An Identity Update

So, there's over 50 of you people following me now. I'm sure at least one of you will care about this.

It feels like I've been running this blog forever now... it's been 4 months. In those 4 months, I've learned a few things about myself, just hanging out in the community here.

When I made this blog, I called myself an aroace, aegosexual, cassgender guy. All of that is still true, but with some expanding in order. So, this is an identity update post.

Some of these have been mentioned in posts on this blog before while others are brand new things I've finally admitted to myself.

Aplatonic

When I made this blog, I'd never heard the term aplatonic before. Once I did, it stuck to me hard and fast. Honestly, this label and the community around it helped me understand myself a lot.

Agender... ish

As I said in my essay about it, my experience with gender is very loose and defined by a lot of apathy. The more I think about it, the less it's there. I'm not fully agender, but I'm on that spectrum somewhere, specifically libramasculine.

Oriented AroAce

While I'm aroace, I do still experience some forms of tertiary attraction, mainly aesthetic attraction. In that regard, I'm attracted to anything feminine enough. That can be girls, some enbys, and even the occasional femboy or the like. Don't ask me to define that more precisely, cuz it's a mess.

Autistic + ADHD

So, this isn't so much discovered as rediscovered. I was formally diagnosed roughly 20 years ago and mostly forgot about both until I started researching the conditions for my writing. That sparked some memories that a conversation with my sibling proved weren't made up, so I'm actually adopting the labels now.

Conclusion

In summary, when I started this blog, I was a AA battery. Now, I have attained true power: AAAAAA!

[asterlark]

life update!!!

okay so idk if i've talked about this here but i spent multiple months last fall working very hard on grad school applications and ended up applying to 3 different schools for masters programs for distance/online learning since i don't want to/can't really move for in-person school currently (also not saying what concentration i'm going for & what schools bc i'm trying not to dox myself lol)

and over the last month i've been so so anxious bc this is the time frame for the schools getting back to me on their decisions... i got one acceptance... then a notification that i was placed on the waitlist for another school & would hear back in march... then a second acceptance..... and just now i got an update from the school that waitlisted me (also my top choice!!) that i've been accepted!!!!

this is wild to me because despite so much encouragement from friends i never truly believed i could get in to all three schools i applied to, i'm so used to expecting rejection that i'm still somewhat in shock but also so so excited and grateful and just AAAAAA

this is a lot to process since i'm simultaneously experiencing heavy grief from losing two people important to me over the past few months, but i'm trying to remember that life really is just joy and pain jumbled together in a big chaotic mess and it's okay (even necessary!!) to feel every horrible and beautiful and terrifying thing all at once

getting great news amidst feeling so much pain and grief is confusing and scary even as it's incredibly exciting, and i'm trying to have grace for myself to feel all the things i feel without judgement or shame. i AM proud of myself though and i am starting to feel like the hard work i've put in (and am still putting in) in therapy & in rebuilding my life in general is paying off in how i treat myself & have hope for the future even as i feel so desperately sad.

if you're also going through it i am sending all my psychic beams of caring energy your way, and if you're also trying to celebrate something or find moments of joy while the rest of your life & the world are on fire i'm strapping on a little party hat and celebrating with you. we CAN and WILL get through this and there is so much joy to come and cool people to meet and cute animals to pet!!! hold my hand we'll go there together!!!!

[iamthejinyouarethejin]

GOOD MORNING GORGEOUS - Teaser!!!!

Here is one of many little sneak peeks to my upcoming tale... The best part is... (****drumroll pleeeease****) IT'S

OC X OC!!!!!!

Yay!

Woop woop!

OoOoOoOo~ AaAaAa~

Here at "@iamthejinyouarethethejin" studios (see what I did there? ;), OC x OC means that 9.99999 times outa' 10, the OCs are going to be name inserts. Just in case you have no clue WHAT THE HELL that is... OC x OC is "original character shipped with another original character", but THIS time the "original characters" are basically "y/n" and "c/n" with names! This means the characters are typically written without ethnic or racial bias, just a guy and a girl with author-written titles!!! Please enjoy this little snippet, and stay tuned for the rest!

5:29

The sun is up. Whyyyy the hell is the sun up... I guess it works best for an early start. I've gotta get ready anyway. I'm sure my face looks a mess.

I lay stick straight in my bed, staring intently at the ceiling.

What a beautiful ceiling.

Day... what is it... 32 of waking up before Josh to wash my face? It's not like I put on a bunch of makeup (any, really) but I make a conscious effort to make my face look... not dead. Every. fucking. morning. I'm a 21-year-old with a decent job, an amazing boyfriend, a nice apartment, and a rambunctious dog among other things, yet ricketingly low self-esteem.

Usually, I wake up before Josh... Maybe 30 or so minutes earlier? My sister says it's a big waste of time, but you get used to it eventually. After all, I've been at it for a month now.

That's how long we'd been living together. One month. Dating? 13 months. We figured it was time to settle down a little, maybe merge households, but I guess I hadn't caught on to the fact that "merging households" requires some sense of normalcy and frankly, relatability, something I lacked at the time. I would rarely let him FaceTime or even call me right after I woke up, and almost never ever on the way to bed. I figured that with us buying an apartment to share, things would be different. I would be more comfortable letting him see ME. Bahaha... WRONG.

"Cleansing balm... where is the cleansing balm?"

I guess the only con to us moving in together is the fact that my sweet baby can be terribly disorganized.

"Gosh Josh... C'mon, I told him to leave my stuff over here."

And dassit... I'm SORRRRYYYY- If you were getting invested, I apologize, but that's all the more reason to keep close watch on my account and maaaaybe even find some other stuff on there to read itp!!! I've reposted/blogged several authors there, so be sure to check them out too! 'Good Morning, Gorgeous!' by @iamthejinyouarethejin will be finished shortly, along with 8 million other tingz! :) Peace out luvies!!!!!



[icharchivist]

Ramble about the Hisoka&Chikage dynamic (w/ spoilers for the two Winter Play Events and chapter 5) and more personal stuff under the cut

Either way the thing i found really cruel with the Chikage arc is that, Hisoka was already on top of my fav list, but since he was amnesic he wasn’t defined by much aside from “his amnesia most likely come from his trauma”, and learning that he has a guilt complex/is responsible for someone’s death and it’s likely that this death is what triggered the amnesia, and that’s it. 

and i thought i was safe with that bc What Could Go Wrong meanwhile i could relate on being a Sleepy Bitch like Hisoka (hell i used to be able to sleep ANYWHERE before and often fell asleep in class or in a corner on trip, before anxiety indulced Insomnia started to kick my ass.) and i have memories issue, trauma babey, so like, My Kin Now:tm: (i have more reasons but that’s the funny short version)

but then the Winter Chapter ended with the April’s cliffhanger and the thing is that i was aware of Chikage’s cards and i knew of that one card from the “past self” set which was matching with Hisoka, so it was obvious that Chikage=April and that Chikage and Hisoka both were spies

and it fucked me up and from all the rookies’s build ups from the events it’s Chikage’s that fucked me up the most bc he specifically appears in Winter chapter, makes it clear he’s lurking on Hisoka LIKE THIS IS CHIKAGE’S FIRST APPEARANCE

IS WHEN TASUKU PICKS UP HISOKA AFTER HE COLLAPSES.. AND NOW WE KNOW IT WAS CHIKAGE’S ROLE..... HE LITTERALLY SLIDES ON SCREEN TO DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION ON HISOKA WHILE SEEING SOMEONE FILLING HIS ROLE OF CARETAKER OF HISOKA.....

And then Chikage leaves Hisoka flowers saying it “means a lot to him” to send those flowers and considering the whole Flower Language in the game it had to be on purpose so i checked up the flowers he sent Hisoka and i’m a crying mess

Second Winter Play:

(red pre chap 5, green post chap 5)

Third Winter Play:

and i’m a messssss because while the first one can have resentment in it it also showcase the specific grief Chikage denied himself to feel??? even the grief he felt FOR Hisoka. But the second one is so positive and hopeful like Chikage doesn’t WANT to turn on Hisoka like he planned and i’m a fucking disaster.

COUGHS anyway i got lost but, the thing is that, the fact the direction they took with the complex relationship between the three siblings is. The sort of sibling relationship i connect with because this is closer to what i can relate. 

it is a similar reason why i’m fascinated with the Wales brothers in gbf, with the fact the youngest brother had to bear the burden of his older brother disappearing and his other brother going off rails and taking it out on him, before being torn by guilt and realizing he ought to make it up to his brother. 

And if you boil down the Hisoka/Chikage/August storyline it’s the same thing happening, except Chikage specifically BLAMED Hisoka for August’s death, and Hisoka felt guilty and responsible and beared that burden.

And honestly i already connect much more with sibling dynamics when the youngest of the bunch is bearing the burden of their dynamic bc, mood.

But, as someone who had my eldest sister ran away from home when i was a kid and my other sister turning on me and pushing me away because, as she told me ways later, she badly lived the abandon and she knew i was closer to my eldest sister so she pushed me away in a form of jealousy AND the fact we were not allowed to talk about my runaway sister, we had to act like she never existed, and it was extremely frustrating so my sister shifted the blame on me

bc Chikage was always a bit jealous of how close Hisoka and August were and then when August died, with the inability to process his grief, he had to blame Hisoka.

And like, if the Wales Brothers’ dynamic punched me in the face, this was a suckerpunch because bro that hit, ways too close from home??? on a character i already kinda can project on?? (even though my behavior and coping mechanisms are closer to Azuma bc of the shared Abandon Issues and all but man it’s not like i had nothing on Hisoka yaknow?)

And, meanwhile, Hisoka and Chikage fixed their relationship. They opened up about their trauma, they cleared it up, they decided to heal together and getting better, and this is something that’s fucking me up a LOT because... it’s not something i can have? My sister and I shared our trauma but we’re still so distant and so caught in our parents’s bullshit that my sister KEEPS shifting the blame on me for anything going wrong with our family, especially lately with our dad. 

It was something that made me irrationally emotional with the Wales bro already but here destroys me, the fantasy of /fixing/ it. The fantasy of, after this hardship, managing to realize they can rely on one another and be there through their trauma. And, for Hisoka and Chikage, this desire to rebuild their family, in a less toxic environment. It’s something i can’t have, and don’t even really /want/ because the relationship with my sister is too damaged and we’re too different as people, but the fantasy of it being a possibility somewhere makes me weak on my knees.

(+ tbh a3 is HEALING bc with the Wales bro, the youngest is still the most responsible one, he still has to carry this burden, he has so much on his shoulders, and it’s... heavy when you get to project a bit on his story. While Hisoka is, on the contrary, encouraged to rest in order to recover. He’s encouraged to keep sleeping, to do stuff he likes, to nurse himself back to health, and this is so HEALING to have to see the characters who’s trauma you relate to being told that they don’t have to just “carry on” but, that they can be safe to rest now. (likewise with Azuma who’s also encouraged to rest and take care and rely on others without being punished about pushing people away. Instead it’s his friends picking up how to read him to counter Azuma’s first instict that is to isolate himself, without lecturing him about how he shouldn’t do that.), a3′s way to tackle trauma and recovery is seriously getting to me SO BAD like, it’s really healing to me)

Adding to that that, independantly to it all, I genuinely adore Chikage, he’s fun, he’s sneaky, he’s an ass, but he cares so much, and everything is because he cares ways too much, he’s so damaged and was never allowed to have room to get better and now he does, and he built so much walls around himself, his lies are just that (i’ve seen someone call it gas//l//ighting and DEAR LORD learn the meaning of words he doesn’t do that AT ALL) he just lies to throw off people, he tells people right away that he lies, even when it would protect him to keep on the charade (see his lie to Sakyo to cover up when he kidnapped Izumi), they’re walls in order to keep people away, to keep them from asking about him, and like he says to Tsuzuru because there’s weakness to be exploited in the truth, which is a paranoia that is completely legit to have when he’s litterally an informant/hacker spy?? 

he’s completely different from my sister, which is ironic, but therefore i do not even manage to project this thing fully on him. Hell, i crush on Chikage. I have terrible taste but good lord he’s been appearing in my dreams every day lately what the fuck Chikage. (litterally my top 3 chara is just “1) Kin in regard to the lore, 2) Kin in the coping mechanism, 3) Crushing ways too hard on him, am a total simp”)

Also meanwhile the fact the whole ending is “we’re leaving the organization (which was their family), we have a found family now, but together” is peak fantasy for someone like me and i’m always crying over the Mankai Found Family, but just, going “screw the previous family”? but..... the two of them together? I’m a mess. Especially adding to the fact Hisoka got SO close to the Winter Troupe and with the course of the events it really shows how precious they became to one another, this found family remains so precious to Hisoka (hell he bothers Homare and Tasuku as much as he bothers Chikage dLKFJD) he just, wants Chikage to experience this happiness too instead of letting himself collapse under his trauma and i’m!!! aaaah!!

So yeah what i’m getting at is, that, I thought i would be safe from Hisoka’s arc, that i wouldn’t be this emotionally invested in it, i was already too emotionally invested in Azuma’s bc Azuma has my coping mechanisms, but instead the plot took me by the throat with the direct sibling dynamic i REALLY feel for, it hit WAYS too close from home, with a storyline i can HEAVILY empathize with, and feel pain for both Hisoka and Chikage because i get both sides so hard, and i HAD to fall for one of those morons.

I’ve been playing a3 for over a year, started playing when the EN server lautched, and i had been emotionally involved in all of it, a LOT, i’ve played it every day in over a year, i’m up to date with everything, i feel so much for it, but despite that i felt like i was keeping it mostly lowkey, like i wasnt /obsessed/

but this storyline ruined me. This storyline brought this lowkey obsession to highkey at full speed. 

And all of that bc i genuinely loved Hisoka before those truthbombs, that those made me love him even more, that Chikage became SO loveable and has been living in my mind rentfree ever since, and that the dynamic they touch is both too close from home while also being unrealistic (as in how they fixed their dynamic), but in a “fantasy i love to indulge in” kind of unrealistic and it is destroying me.

so yeah, A3 good, i can’t get over how GOOD the writing is, but also that fucking wrecked me.