#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all

[christmassavestheyear]

maybe it's time for me to move on.............

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

Between the Needleclaw or Rootspring ship, to put a random hat in the ring since I forgor to vote (I still have yet to update my tumblr app to add polls… )I really enjoy the idea of with Bristlefrost always saving Rootspring that their relationship remains platonic, something, something, saving someone’s life and caring about them does not equal romantic love. And the two have a good bond, while Bristlefrost falls in love with Needleclaw

And not really arguing either way with this next point but, also good to see how the characters respective arcs would have the ship work best

Ie: Bristlefrost- what life theoretically would allow her to not be as people pleasing

Rootspring- what life would have him being true to himself and not just what is expected of him.

Needleclaw- i am unsure of the exact themes and arcs it takes other than the mention of her intense warrior training since she doesn’t wanna be a hunter.

And really all these themes can be taken narratively but also meta narratively. (Okay back on NeedleBristle again) but it would be expected that Rootspring being saved by Bristleforst and him helping her would HAVE to create a romance,, they’re meant for each other, so them not getting together if his arc also almost breaking the fourth wall for those who know those sort of tropes.. and it being neat with both getting bond moments that Bristlefrost maybe falls for simpler moments with Needleclaw.

Another thing, that is quite fun, but dependent on the arcs but there there could be a brief ultimately failed attempt at a romance between one of the two that isn’t the ‘final pair”, Bristlefrost’s people pleasing briefly trying to make a romance work that is not a good fit for them.

I cannot remember how the Bristle and Root meet but if it is her saving him (and even with most) there could be a dichotomy with Root and Bristle’s first meeting being chaotic, while Bristle and Needle’s would be more chill.

Woag it would fit in with her arc, and the connection of a chaotic life not being inherently bad but ultimately not being what she needs.

Uhh hope this makes some sense, some exact details escape me since I haven’t read the books themselves in ages,

I wanna address several things you said because this ask is a Sunday Roast and I am hungry./pos

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED WITH MORE INFO IN THE BOTTOM REGARDING BRISTLEFROST.

1. HOW OUTDATED IS YOUR APP?! We've had polls for so long now, my jaw hit the floor with that! Mind you I'm just as bad with some apps like YouTube and Spotify (And my NewPipe YouTube mod) but woah nelly, your Tumblr app has grown a beard!

2. Bristlefrost risking her life to save Root, only to later on fall in love with his cute, sassy sister? Is a very funny thought! Poor girl has isolated herself (Bramblefake did not do her any favors either) and doesn't have many friends, so being incredibly close friends with Root and Shadow would be very good for her. It also keeps the "povs aren't dating" thing I've had going unintentionally since TNP. I can see Rootspring having a crush on Bris, because she is quite kind and easy to love, but it fading out into a proper friendship.

3. Their Arcs and Themes. You're completely correct on that one! Rootspring learning to calm down and not live up to expectations, while also learning to enjoy the life he's got, Bristlefrost learning to stand on her own feet and not be desperate for approval, and while Needleclaw's wasn't the most mentioned, it amounts to:

"You're not a bad person for not having an end goal, but only ever living in the present is going to leave you unprepared when the future comes."

WCR!Needleclaw is going to learn a lesson I had to learn. Live for the present, but plan for the future.

Also, communicate when people hurt your feelings, you do not have to be the 'chill cool girl' 24/7 you silly lesbian.

Her intense training is out of desperate desire to be seen as different, she knows that battle is a risk for a deaf cat, if a retreat is verbally called, she won't hear it, she'll need assistance. While she has no insecurities about BEING deaf, she wants to "prove" herself as worthy of being a strong warrior like grandpa Hawkwing.

It doesn't help that 3 family members were once willing members of the Kin. Daddy Tree, Mama Zelda, and great grandpa Sharpclaw were all Kin members at one point, and the Clans still feel the pain. Tree having been a loner before, and having been part of the Sisters, is especially not helping. Sure, majority of Skyclan is accepting of outsiders, but Kite and Turtle can be quite mean. Times are changing. For better and worse.

4. The 4th wall is getting also HEAVILY leaned on in TBC. Like... HEAVY. (Btw yes Bristle saving Root's life is how they met!) This arc ends up being quite "meta" in retrospect, especially with the other 3 arcs, Dark Times, and Beyond The Stars Sunlight/Moonlight.

I'm gonna put Bristlefrost's Ending "storyboard" below a spoiler cut. But first...

Yeah, her meeting Rootpaw is in a split second decision of heroism and chaos, life and death stakes! It gave them BOTH a small cold, and I imagine that is their initial bond... Warming up in the Medicine Den together and sneezing in sync. (Also Rootpaw making a self discovery in between wiping her nose and laughing at Briarlight's silly antics.)

Then she meets Needle and shares a bowl of Clan Soup with her while Needlepaw scratches Glyphs into the ground to tell Bristlepaw that she hopes she passes her test soon while Mistystar announces Curlfeather's babies having just been born.

Bristlefrost is a character who means a lot to me, and left me wanting more. Her final scene in Alitm brings prickling tears to my eyes, even worse when Rootspring can still feel her there, the memory of what was supposed to be... There's a reason I have her theme set to No Surprises by Radiohead (and it's even gentler done cover by Juliana Chahayed). She deserves a very quiet, settled life after the trauma of being Bramblefake's deputy and part of the Thunder Rebellion, same as Violetshine and Dovewing tee bee aych.

Anyways... The thing about her disappearance.

Spoilers!

Bristlefrost notices that Ashfur has survived what should have been a killing blow from Squilf.

He looks at her, and winks as he stalks off into the shadows, near the growing lake of dark water that the author hasn't given an alternate spooOOOooky name to yet.

Anyways, she gathers up all the strength I'm her back legs, and pounces at him. She slams full-force into Ashfur, the two of them tumbling into the black lake...

She pushes him down, biting and kicking her back legs into him. She feels him fade away between her paws, and feels a cold, heavy weight...

She flips over, and can vaguely hear shouting from above... Are they arguing? Why? She did the right thing, didn't she? She sees her mothers faces, the two look horrified. She hears Rootspring and Needleclaw screaming for her, the other Lights in the Mist are all calling out for her but... She's so tired...

She hears a swirl of water.

Looking to her right is... Another version of her? She looks... Different. More like Fernsong. Her fur is pure gray, her eyes a different shade but... That's Her. The Other Her is beginning to drown, and panic.

Using her strength, Bristlefrost swims over to the other one, holding her from behind.

"You're safe. You're fine. You're home with everyone you love." She thinks as hard as she can, mouthing it against her own ear. "The one you love, loves you back. You have a family together. You die old, and loved by all."

Feeling her oxygen running out, Bristlefrost holds The Other Her tighter, the cat beginning to relax.

"Everyone is safe now. You're going to die at peace. Not scared and cold... Only Warmth. Only Love."

The other Bristlefrost fades away... A shining light overtakes this Bristlefrost, deeper down at the bottom of the lake... Calling her even deeper. Her air runs out.

She swims towards the light.

Addition as of 11/06:

Bristlefrost is nearly blinded by the brilliant white light, and she feels the water suddenly disappear. She gasps, panting heavily as the ringing in her ears begins to fade.

The world is blank. Pure white around her. She can barely tell the difference between the ground her paws are on and the sight in front of her. Silence hangs heavy in the air. She shakes out her fur, the black water dripping on the smooth, featureless ground.

There is a quiet sound behind her, like a shimmering whisper. Bristlefrost turns to see a ball of colourful light playfully floating in the air.

Within it is a small brown tabby tom, barely an apprentice, chasing a spotted tortoiseshell molly, both look about the same age.

"Catch me, Spottedpaw! Catch me!" The little cat meows as he runs over a small log, laughing as she pounces at him, the two tumbling in the grass.

"That's what you get for messing with my watermint, Tigerpaw!" The molly purrs with laughter. "Now I've gotta count them again!"

The scene fades, and a new one opens up. A new brown tabby tolly, with an amber eye and a blue eye, sits down next to a pretty black and white molly. The full moon shines above them. "The moon brings out your white chest fur, and your paws." The tolly murmurs, and she chuckles.

There's a stir of unseen laughter. "You're not as quiet as your seem, Stripestar." The molly snickers with an affection filled mew. She turns to address the unseen cats. "Welcome, Stormclan. Tonight we gather to welcome in... The Wild Cats."

The light fades away. Bristlefrost can barely process what she's seen...

Wait... Stormclan? She and Thriftear paid lots of attention to their history classes, and that never came up! Was it someone's happy dream? Or... Something else?

She tries with all her might to think if she's heard that name. Stormclan... Stripestar... Why aren't these names familiar? What are Wild Cats?

An image of torrential rain crashing down on cliffs makes her jump, but it's gone as soon as it came.

A small tree stump is nearby, a small hole under it. Voices echo beneath it, her friends and family... Bristlefrost reaches a paw into the darkness...

She hears a wet splatter behind her, and her blood runs cold as Ashfur's soaking wet form, his fur bunched up and his eyes wild, flings itself at her, screeching. It bites and claws, and while it stings, the wounds do not turn bloody. Black, oily water constantly drips from it as it hurls itself towards the tree stump, again and again.

It's trying to live again.

Bristlefrost fights him off each time, watching his sloppy, oil-slick body half melt, half burn into the ground. If she has to keep him here for eternity, so be it.

"Needleclaw, Rootspring, Thriftear, anyone, find out about that Stormclan for me!"

She turns to Ashfur, whose mouth drips black water down, and swipes her claws down his face. He howls, but he gets back up. Determination burns in her veins.

"I'll be here for a while."

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Every week I will post various reviews I've written so far in 2024. You can check out my Goodreads for more up-to-date reviews HERE. You can friend me on Goodreads here.

Have you read any of these? What were your thoughts?

___

345. XOXO by Axie Oh--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Some of my friends had read XOXO a few years ago and had really enjoyed it, so I was both excited and wary when I started this one. I went in completely blind and I was pleasantly surprised by all of the tropes--moving to a wholly new place for school? Meeting a Kpop Idol that is otherwise unavailable, but somehow still falls for the MC? Befriending the unfriendly girl who is secretly a cinnamon roll?

Yes, please, and thank you!

And not only did those tropes exist, but of course our MC meets the guy who ghosted her in this random arts school. It was just so much fun seeing these two fall for each other, while also navigating the difficult world of Kpop idols and romance. It genuinely felt like a K-Drama in a book and gave me those same fun butterflies I get when I know I'm going to enjoy whatever I'm about to watch/read.

I was heavily reminded of how much I am NOT a young adult anymore by some of the choices the MC makes as the book progresses--like prioritizing the boy over her own needs, which I know is a good lesson for teens nowadays to not do this, but as an adult with hindsight, I can see how easy it can be to fall into a relationship and situation like this.

But this book was more than its romance. XOXO had some great friendships and explored a very complicated generational relationship in the MC's family. Her mom was a single mother who is a workaholic trying to give her daughter everything she needs, but is also a woman trying to escape the grief that plagues her. And even though she has her reasons for staying away, the MC's mom returns to South Korea to take care of her estranged mother (and I LOVED seeing that relationship between the grandmother and the MC). The relationship between the two was an interesting parallel to that of the MC and her mother because they also have a relationship heavy with miscommunication and distance.

There is also a highlighting of identity and what it means to belong to two different worlds, but still identify with both--even if you're still learning about one half of you.

XOXO was a fun read for its romance and friends and travel and tropes, but it held its depth in the relationships explored and the examination of complicated familial relationships and, ultimately, the power of grief--both in the actual loss of a loved one, and the aftermath of that emotional storm.

___

346. Sanctuary by Paola Mendoza & Abby Sher--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Once upon a time, a book like SANCTUARY would be one of those dystopian stories that would have sat well with all of the other big names that came out in the early 2010s. But now reading SANCTUARY feels like one of those stories that is a little too close to reality.

And I'll be honest, sometimes those dystopian novels that are one or two decisions away from becoming a reality are the ones that really keep me up at night.

Incredible, jarring, emotional, and traumatizing, Mendoza and Sher have created a book that I think should be read by everyone. We all watched the news as families were torn apart in the States by drones in suits that loved to exert power. This is the perfect story to remind readers that this horror has happened and has truly hurt many, many, many people. It was incredibly powerful and heartbreaking--especially as we watch the teen MC trying to keep her brother safe in her ever-worsening world.

This isn't the first book I've read like this and it definitely won't be my last. I think these stories are important and must be added to every TBR to help with empathy regarding the topic of immigration and those fleeing from a place that threatens to steal their rights.

SANCTUARY has many layers, but one of the ones that hit me the most were the people the MC and her brother met and lost. Their lives were transient for the majority of the book, but these people they come across each pack a punch. If these characters were real, I know they would be haunted by the memories of the people they met along the way.

Again, this book is NOT an easy read. It is gritty, real, and heavy--that's why it's so important. But sometimes the hardest books are the most impactful, poignant, and timely books.

I'd recommend this one, along with SOLITO, WE ARE NOT FROM HERE, and OUR MISSING HEARTS.

___

347. Sandcastle Beach by Jenny Holiday--⭐️⭐️⭐️

In my opinion, SANDCASTLE BEACH is the weakest book in this series--which is sad because it had the potential to be the best one of the whole series, especially because of how much build-up and hinting there was in the other two books.

As a result, this was just okay.

I almost DNF'ed this addition to the series a few times, but I continued because I truly did want to know how this couple got together and overcame their differences. And though it wasn't a favourite, I'm glad I did continue because I ended up actually enjoying the second half of the book. This was truly a slow burn romance and though I normally adore these, this one lacked that cute spark the other two books had. I didn't feel that urgency to read their story, or those butterflies in my stomach I sometimes get when I know a story is going to be great for me. My main issue was probably this lack of spark because it held me back from getting invested in the story and that's probably where that urge to DNF came from.

But despite the lack of a spark, I did like how these two characters ended up coming around to liking each other. Every bitter word, petty argument, and moments filled with sexual tension led up to some pretty fun scenes. This is one of those couples that takes a bit of work to fall for and whether the story pacing and mood was meant to mirror that or not, it inadvertently made me feel the way I did. It was like I had to actively work through my disinterest to finally see the potential for these two characters.

I did like the communication and how quickly things would be resolved, and the romantic moments were sweet. Like I said, once I got over the midway hump, I was finally all in with this couple.

I'm sad to see this Canadian series end, but I am also very happy to finally be able to take them off my to-read shelves!

___

348. The Pretender by Katherine Applegate--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I think that this one might have been one of the most in-depth books in the series so far, especially when it comes to the exploration of the emotional health of one of the more affected characters. Also, that twist...WHAT. Probably one of the bigger and more emotional ones of the series, too.

But while I liked how we got so into the mindset of one of these characters (maybe even to the point where I find it hard to have thought that this series didn't grow up alongside the readers back when they were first releasing), there were definitely still parts that made this feel like a filler book. Although I'm sure many of the reveals in this one will lead into bigger topics later in the series.

Also, this was, of course, another great example of how anti-war the author is and how timely it really, really is in today's current political and social climate. I think one or two or a few world leaders would benefit from reading this series.

Will of course be picking up the next book!

___

349. The Dangerous Convenience Store Vol. 4 by 945--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

THE DANGEROUS CONVENIENCE STORE is probably one of my favourite on-going series right now. These two have so much dang chemistry and I am always hoping that they can get over all of the hurdles they face so they can have their own version of happy ever after.

This series is usually super spicy--sometimes a little too much of the spice, tbh LOL--but this volume didn't have as much as usual because it focused so heavily on the complicated emotions between the two and the very dark past of the older MC.

I really, really liked this volume. It taught me so much more about the brooding MC who always keeps his secrets so close to his chest. It helped me understand him so much more and how much he truly cares for the other MC. We also see that sometimes love might overcome the morally grey situations in a darker life.

And that cliffhanger? Excuse me? Well, good thing I have volume 5 preordered.

___

350. The Passing Playbook by Isaac Fitzsimons--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

THE PASSING PLAYBOOK was a bit of a refreshing read because a lot of the LGBTQ+ books I read in YA featuring Trans characters are usually really traumatic. I liked that this book featured a character who had a supportive family (even if it was to a fault) and that he was a younger teen (a lot of the others I've read feature older teens). This book was one of the first that I've read in a while that actually felt like it was really for younger teens. I find that a lot of YA books are geared towards mid-to-older teens. That awkward stage between 13-15 is sometimes bypassed in favour of what the 16+ teens might want to read. That representation matters.

This isn't to say that there weren't some tougher scenes to read--especially as the MC navigates his new world with new people, and consequently, the lives of those new people he meets (and falls for). I think it was especially poignant to show the contrasts between the MC's family and his love interest's family and how complicated it can be for a teen stuck between the family and religion he is a part of and the very problematic and dangerous beliefs they harbour.

I liked that the MC had so much support, but that he also had to find himself and his voice in his journey. And because he is so young, he has so much more to discover about both himself and the world that awaits him.

I loved the characters and the roles they played in the MC's life and how even the most supportive people (his parents, for example) can be wrong. We are all flawed and all have the opportunity to grow, but this book shows that it isn't a smooth process--it's a journey full of mistakes, understanding, and learning opportunities.

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351. Carnal Urges by J.T. Geissinger--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I liked CARNAL URGES more than book one, simply because it was easier for me to believe that this FMC would fall for this killer. Also, I liked their dynamic a lot more. They worked off each other a lot better than book one. And it didn't feel so insta-love.

Also, the MMC? Sounded really attractive. LOL. Not even going to lie. I liked that there were quite a few layers to him that he hid really well from everyone (including the readers) until it was time to reveal them.

The FMC was so entertaining and I loved her outspoken personality. She was one of my favourite characters from book one, so when I learned this book would be her love story (after she confessed she didn't believe in falling in love), I was doubly excited. She didn't disappoint! But I especially liked that alongside her sassy and no-shits-given personality, she was also kind and intelligent.

I was thoroughly entertained by this one. There were some pretty great surprises I didn't see coming, but I liked how this couple worked through it all. There was a level of understanding and communication between them that immediately further endeared me to them.

The spice was SPICY, phew. But it also wasn't everything. There was actually substance in this one, which I love in my romance books. It was very much a reminder that this is the kind of dark romance I like. The chemistry between these two? Yes, please. AND there's an age gap? Yes, thanks, papi.

Needless to say, I enjoyed this very much. I laughed, had to fan myself, and had small moments of anxiety as shit hit the fan. Read this series if you want a dark romance that isn't super dark, but still has bad boys, mafia, and mob love interests.

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352. Attack of the Graveyard Ghouls by R.L. Stine--⭐️⭐️

I don't even know.

The concept was interesting, but it just...didn't really strike a note with me. I think it would have been more interesting to me if of the decisions made weren't so questionable, or if the beginning part wasn't so rushed.

Also, the adults were annoying again. I don't know why it's always so popular to make these parents so unwilling to listen to their kids in middle grade books. I think that part was the main thing that I disliked about this book.

I can, however, see how this would be a creepy read for a lot of people--especially younger readers. I definitely would have been scared of this one if I had read this as a kid, but as an adult, I REALLY had to suspend my disbelief LOL.

___

Happy reading!

[elyyssi]

Tranquility Behind the Storm

The pandemic's outbreak utterly caught me off guard. I never imagined that things would end up like this and go through all of that back then. Perhaps I was naive at the time, thinking that nothing could possibly affect the fact that everything around me would last. I experienced a lot during the recent outbreak, whether it was happy or sad, but I can't deny that it taught me a lot. I became aware of several things that I had previously ignored.

I was in ninth grade when the pandemic began, and the year ended early. When the school informed us that we would have a week off, I recall that we had no idea that that day would be the final chance for us to go out and see each other. I initially believed that since there would be no more school, I would be pleased. For the first few weeks, everything was enjoyable, but as time went on, the days grew depressing. During the pandemic, I am unable to do many of the things I am used to, including seeing my friends, dining out, traveling, and many more.

I learned a lot about myself and my family during the past two years that I spent at home. I observed that during the lockdown, as it was prohibited to go outside, my family and I grew closer. Because even though there were just three of us at home prior to the pandemic, we were unable to reach an understanding. I came to the realization that it might be because our family doesn't bond enough. We got used to each having our own things at school and at work, so we don't have time for each other. We did nothing at home during the pandemic because nearly everything halted, including work and school. We now spend a lot of time conversing with one another because it has been our past time since that time, which is good for the entire of our relationship.

I also learned certain things about myself, including how I had lost my enthusiasm since the pandemic. I become reserved and timid. I got anxious every time I left the house because I was used to being home all the time. At first, I was unaware of that. I used to think that my shyness was normal, but until now, I still have trouble getting over it. My last name used to be loud in class and with my teachers, and I used to participate in class activities and join everyone. But I made an adjustment once the online class began. I hardly ever take part in events and recitations.

 Even I feel disappointed in myself since I believe I have changed from that. As a result, I have struggled with my academics ever since. Not because of other people, but because of myself, I was under pressure. I worry that I'm not the same person I used to be and that my marks will suffer as a result of my infrequent participation and recitation. I'm still trying my hardest to achieve decent grades, though. Even if I still don't recognize myself as I once did, I know that I'm improving in some way, which is one of the things that motivates me to keep going.

The first time I started a relationship, where I just learnt a lot, was one of the pandemic's remarkable events that changed me the most. I've known him for almost three years. Before we started dating, we spent a lot of time together before we got into a relationship. Naturally, we struggled because we were both unfamiliar with the circumstance in which we could not see one another, unlike our previous close friendship. We were very adventurous at the time because the online class had only recently begun. Because that's not how we're used to living, we struggle every day. Until the pressure we felt caused us to lose time with one other and decide to stop. I spent most of the pandemic in oblivion,  at the same time constantly struggling with the process to survive despite the threat of the pandemic. One lesson I took away from that experience is not to rush.I admit that during those times I became impulsive in making decisions.  I didn't think about what could happen if I went right into it. I did not consider the possible results of my actions, especially since the situation was different then. As a result, I began to think differently. It kept growing as I learned to admit my mistakes and humble myself. I developed personally, and I can still remember his parting words to me. He stated he didn't regret how our relationship turned out, which I couldn't believe at the time but eventually came to understand. He won't make me regret it either if it's me, because that experience helped shape who I am today. I was better prepared back then for my future challenges, and I now have a better understanding of what to do. Even throughout my healing journey from that experience I also learned something. For two years the healing was neither straight nor continuous. There are days when I’m okay, but there will come a day when it will reconnect with me again and I'll be hurt again. "Relapse" they say. I don't mind that at all. Even if the healing does not continue, it is still important that there has been improvement. That's also one of my takeaways from what I've experienced, not to rush anything. Everyone has the right time, in my perspective. Even though you are not satisfied or happy right now, in the right time, you will eventually be. 

Despite the fact that a lot occurred over those two years of conflict, one advantage was that I learnt a lot. I developed as a person as a result of the experiences I had with my family, friends, or a special someone. I can claim that I have made significant progress, primarily in terms of my personality and way of thinking. 

[batfamfucker]

Felt that.

Note, I would never judge anyone for stuff they can't help, in the same way I hope no one judges me for my traits. I will say however, that contrasting traits is very much a thing people just don't realise. Someone else's traits has been overwhemling for me, and I know sometimes I can be overwhemling for other ND people with my own.

Example: Back in September when I was meeting new people and tryna make friends (I transferred to a different uni but I'm in second year so they all knew each other, but I was new), I had this happen with a guy I was almost-friends-with.

Side note: I ended up not being friends with him because he was literally a walking red flag. He apparently told someone who I've actually become very close friends with now that he 'wanted to date me so he could fix me'. Aka didn't see me as a friend, just something to feed his hero complex. He had a lot of drama with a lot of people for this type of stuff, and I didn't want that (Drama is exhausting to me. I've always had a chaotic life and I've worked hard to get away from those enviroments, so at this point when I see someone causing issues just for the sake of it, I just stop speaking to them) or to be involved with someone like that, or put myself in danger which seemed would have become the case if what he was saying was anything to go by, and the fact that he stalked the girl he had a crush on in first year. So. Yeah. And that was just one example of the sort of person he is.

Anyway- He has Autism and one of his stims is rocking back and forth. Very quickly. Vigorously. Constantly. I mean it. I would sit next to him in lectures (I do Drama and Theatre, so my lectures/lessons for that module were in a rehersal/performace space, aka the seating we had were seats that an audience would sit in, thus all the chairs are in rows that are connected) and throughout the entire time, he would rock back and forth very intensely. He never paused for more than about 60 seconds. I, who has ADHD (And am looking into also being tested for Autism), found it very overstimulating. Both physically because it would make my seat move, and because it was in the corner of my eye when I was trying to concentrate. Not helpful. He was also a bit much when performing and when doing group work, he always tried to take over.

Also, a lot of the drama he was involved in, he would use his Autism as an excuse for. But a lot of these people were also ND so it didn't help him at all.

I never judged him for his actual stimming and tics, just for being a dick in general. But his traits did contradict my own needs based on the traits that I had.

I wish NTs got that.

Also let this serve as a friendly reminder that that's also why some of us NDs hate other NDs. They blame their toxic behaviour on their ND traits.

Almost-friend-guy claimed he 'Wanted to help people due to his people pleasing nature that stemmed from his RSD and needing to feel liked', which was absolute bullshit. He literally would post everything about his 'friends' (Coincidentally, the guy who warned me out him) cutting ties with him and the drama he was involved in (That he started) by pretending he was tryna give everyone advice if they were going through similar situations. A 'If you're going through something similar, here's what I've learned from this experience...' (And it would be things people in uni would 100% know by now, or should, and that he was fully aware he was doing wrong, just lying about. Like being able to admit when you're wrong, for instance, instead of lashing out) after telling everyone on his Snapchat story (It was 'private' but had everyone from his main on it so it only looked private unless you knew. He had 100s of people. He would add people when he met them even if he never spoke to them again. Everyone on the course was on that story, as well as from other courses) the drama and painting everyone else as the bad guy via victimising himself. He knew what he was doing to others and would actually emotionally manipulate and guilt trip people.

Most of us NDs realise that explanation doesn't equal excuse when it comes to our disorders, and using them to get away with shit is vile. Others are just shit people in general and don't care so don't take accountability and responsability for their actions, even if it creates negative stigma and stereotypes for all of us, or feeds into the already plethora of exitsing ones.

So yeah. Me and your one other ND friend aren't gonna be mates. Our brains are different from each others just in the same way that yours is different to ours, and in the way that yours is different to another NTs. If no NT person's mind is same as another person's, why do you expect it to be that way for two completely different people just because they're both ND?

You know when someone goes "Oh, you're autistic? You should meet my buddy Ronathon he's autistic you'll love him he's great" and you meet him and he's the fucking worst

[msilwrites]

(A 3AM Update) A True Gentleman, Chapter 19 - Taking back her life

A/N: Hi guys, Chapter 19 is up! Some lighthearted comedy here and there too. Not really much of a plot device, but we're approaching how to handle the reality of Diana's situation as she tries to take her life back. Tell me what you think in the comments below, and Enjoy reading!

NINETEEN

Taking back her life

Diana looked at the dating app on her phone and read the exchange of messages with her date. After the first time, in a long time, she was finally going out on a 'date'.

The guy who she had been chatting with seemed kind enough. In fact, she had chatted with him for a few weeks before even deciding to go out with him. She definitely does not want some asshole. Once bitten, twice shy. She has learned her lesson after all the years of being in an abusive relationship.

Again, sadly, she left the house through her bedroom window, not wanting to see Isaac. It had been weeks since they have seen each other. The only thing she heard was his voice and the sound of his footsteps around the house. In fact, he tried knocking on her bedroom door, only to be met with silence. She had been pretending to not be around for some time now, and the only time she talked to him was through phone messages, telling him that she had already paid the rent.

His attempts of communicating further were also met with silence on the other side of the line. If he was lucky, she would give him a late response as she was determined to cut herself from him emotionally.

**********

When Diana arrived at the place that she and her date agreed upon, she saw the open park theatre filled with orchestra musicians, packing their instruments. It appears that they had just finished their rehearsals.

She looked to her side, and there on one of the benches, seated, was a handsome man, reading through countless music sheets. She walks in his direction and clears her throat to get his attention.

"Maestro... I'm Diana Rutherford..."

**********

It was a funny reason why Diana had agreed on this date in the first place. First of all, it wasn't for something romantic. Her date is actually a music executive, composer and orchestra director who went to the dating app, only to find a replacement singer who can sing opera in alto-soprano for a small formal charity benefit to be held at the park. Second, she needed someone to talk to, and he and she happen to get along well. Nothing more.

Diana, with opera training, and whose voice happens to fall under alto-soprano, agreed, with a bit of hesitation, of course, thinking if this was legit or not. Furthermore, there was a promise of payment, which made her finally give in. Taking on a part-time job was not so bad after all, especially that she needed some extra funds.

"Uhhmmm, how do I address you?" was her first question. Of course, she knows his name. An epitome of tall, dark and handsome, he carried this air of quiet respect. So she wanted to be polite.

"By my name would be great" was his reply, accompanied with a disarming smile.

" Alright, Aedan... " she cleared her throat and sat up straight.

"Well, I'm just curious, what were you doing in the app with a fake profile? You don't look like you needed to do that" he states, seeing that she was nothing like the way she describes in her profile.

"I was looking for someone to date... no erase that, I was hoping for someone to talk to... the app was a convenient tool, especially, with the anonymity that the internet provided, but then I found you and that weird ad/ profile of yours." was her straight and honest answer.

He laughs at how honest she was. "Can't you afford a therapist? " he asked playfully.

" I can, but I can't afford to book a session with him every day... that will drain my funds" she reasons, and he chuckles at how direct yet funny she sounded.

"Don't you have friends?"

"Of course! I have friends! But..."

"But?"

"But I can't possibly worry them enough and stress them out. I can't be dependent on them for everything. There are also some things I can't discuss with them, you know? there are limits..."

"Like how you had been in love with their father for a long time?" he adds, remembering that she mentioned this to him before when they chatted in the app.

" Yep... see how that sounds like? 'Daddy Issues'. I mean I do admit, I have that. I will definitely get disowned by my friends if those issues come to light..." she sighs. "Oh, by the way, where are your other singers? and why did you have to find a singer using the dating app?" she adds.

He sighs, " One is currently busy with her children, a few of them preparing for their final papers, the others are currently overseas, travelling, no one is available on the date of the performance..."

"Oh... yes, that is a problem..." she nodded in agreement. " But why the app? It's unconventional..." she reasons.

He laughs " It's unconventional, but it was fast and it worked! I found you! You do realize that the app isn't only about dating!" he says, referring to the 'social' part where you find people or groups of like-minded people.

"Err... so do you plan to continue dating ?"

"No... I've deleted the app,"

"Ha? But why?"

"I didn't like some messages I've received from some..." he said, shaking his head and feeling the hair on the back of his head, stand. It creeped him out just remembering those inappropriate messages.

"Well... I can only imagine..." she said, understanding that he must've received some 'thirsty' messages that anyone will be uncomfortable reading, due to how attractive he is.

"Why did you click my profile?"

" Well... obviously, I swiped right because you're an attractive man... you look like a clean-cut version of 'Ross Poldark', other than that, I would have not talked to you, if not for what you've written in your bio."

" I like your honesty!" he declares and threw his head back laughing.

"Thank you..."

"Did you really have opera training?" he asked, still in doubt.

"Yes, I started during the sixth form, my grandmother sent me to lessons to build my confidence and voice...It even became my elective back in university... Then I joined choirs, sang oratorios... so on and so forth... I sang with the choir in church and there were times I sang part-time as a soloist in some events. I enjoyed those times, "

" What made you stop? Singing I mean?"

"I... I..." she paused for a moment, finding a clear way to explain what happened. " I got into a relationship... "

"Let me guess... he was either possessive or abusive?" he guessed, already knowing which was it.

"Both actually... he didn't like me being looked at when I sang... I guess he wanted the audience to close their eyes during a song..." she recalls, remembering the incident with her ex, Jesse.

Aedan laughed and nodded in agreement. Hearing such situations wasn't new to him. He had a few incidents before where a soloist came to a rehearsal with a black eye. Abusive people demand the victim's attention solely focused on them, and try to cut off the victim from the activities they love.

"I do hope you are no longer with that man... I don't want another soloist coming to a rehearsal unable to sing properly because she is injured... don't get me wrong, I may want the performance to be perfect, but I do care for people, and I do feel the pain when I see such situations..."

"Yes... don't worry, I've broken up with him a long time ago," she assured.

"Good!" he exclaims and after a while, remembers something and looks at his watch. "Rehearsals resume in an hours time. Let's have lunch, and we will test your voice later"

**********

"What made you want to sing again? If I may ask?" Aedan said, waiting for the orchestra to return to their seats.

"It's just... I want my life back, Aedan... I just want to go back to what I used to be" was her answer, and he understood.

"Alright..." Aedan taps his baton on the podium, signalling everyone that they were about to start rehearsal. He calls in another person, and another man enters the stage.

"Diana, this is Max, your duet, Max, this is Diana, your new partner!" Aedan introduces.

Diana looked at Max and her mouth hung agape in admiration. if Aedan is handsome, so is Max! Tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome, bearing a fleeting resemblance to Hugh Jackman. She smiled, and giggled to herself, thanking her lucky stars for being surrounded by handsome men today. This would definitely be a good step to move on.

"Diana," Max stretches his hand out for a handshake and she gives them a tight squeeze, whilst smiling like a schoolgirl at him.

"You can ogle at him later, all you want, if you pass the 'audition', Diana!" Aedan teased, earning him a grimace from her. He chuckled at her reaction but quickly asked her to stand straight and get ready for vocal warm-ups.

Aedan sits adjacent to the grand piano and plays the keys for the duet to warm up. After the vocal warm-ups, he goes back to his podium and the orchestra sat in position.

"We have a tradition in this group, every time there is a new singer... as a welcome, she is to sing-" Aedan waves his baton and the began to play the introductory part of the song 'Libiamo ne' lieti calici' which was followed by Max baritone voice, singing the first verse and turning to Diana with a smile.

"How appropriate," she smiled, knowing that it was quite a welcoming song and felt the excitement in her heart to sing once again. And when her turn came, she took a deep breath and without hesitation and care of the possibility of singing out of tune, she gave it her all.

When the song was about to close, the orchestra plays increases their tempo, so as the two duets and then together, they hit the high note with their voices, closing the brindisi.

Diana catches her breath, it was definitely a struggle for her to hit the note, how long has it been since she sang? Years. However, she was met by applause by the orchestra musicians, her duet partner, and the director, Aedan, which came to her as a surprise, because she knew she didn't hit every note right.

"Welcome to the group, Diana!" Max smiles, giving her a squeeze in her hand.

"Thank you, Max!" was her response.

"Welcome to the group, Diana! you've missed a note here and there, but I believe that can be improved with practice" Aedan says, as he approaches. The way he said 'practice' already scares her.

**********

"Oh, my, my, Diana! you are glowing, recently!" Mrs Chambers greets Diana as she goes back to her reception area after lunch.

"Thank you! But what do you mean glowing?" she asked, a little bemused.

" You lively! Happier?! no longer gloomy liked you used to be, no offence" was Mrs Chambers direct answer.

"None taken..." she smiles, knowing that Mrs Chambers has a point. She looked like a pale, gloomy flower.

"Is this a new skincare? beauty routine? activity, a new man?"

Diana laughed at the last part of what Mrs Chambers said. "No, unfortunately, not a man... It's probably because of having clarity of the mind now," she said, knowing that Mrs Chambers was also aware of the past depressing incidents that she had gone through.

"I am glad for that!" Mrs Chambers smiles at her.

Earning the clarity of the mind was one of the things Diana was grateful for. Especially now that she was trying to take her life back.

She looks at her schedule on her phone. On Thursday evenings, she takes JUDO classes, and on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon were rehearsals and additional training with Aedan. He wasn't kidding when she told her how strict he is. Heck, he knows when one didn't practice the song. There was a wee bit of regret in her for agreeing to take JUDO classes and joining the orchestra as one of their singers, especially now that she had to follow strict discipline. But gratefulness, enjoyment, and the contentment it gave her overweighs the regret.

**********

Diana enters the restaurant and looks around for Aedan. He told her that they would meet at this restaurant which was, near her office, before they head for practice.

She smiles and waves at him, upon seeing him seated at a table near the window. He smiles back and waves at her to come over.

"Hello, Aedan"

"Good Afternoon, Diana! I sure do hope you practised the song."

"Ahehehe... I did!..."

He narrows his eyes on her.

"I swear I did!, though it was a struggle, I made sure I did, every day! In full voice!" she says in her defence.

Aedan laughs. "Don't worry, I understand, you don't want your 'crush' to hear you singing! By the way, do you still leave the house using your bedroom window?"

She looks at him sheepishly and that look she gave was enough to answer his question.

He throws his head back laughing. "Oh, Diana! How are you going to leave the house on the day of the performance? Do you want me to rescue you from the tower and fight the dragon?" he teased.

"What the heck! Aedan! Dr. Skovgaard isn't a dragon!"

"I never said that!" he says, hand up in surrender, still laughing.

"Diana?!" a familiar voice calls her name, she looks around to find Allegra seated at the nearby table.

"Allegra!" she greets, a little nervous, as if she was a little girl caught in a misdeed.

"You're here! I haven't seen you in a long time! Look how glowing you are!" Allegra says, echoing the same thing Mrs Chambers had said and gives her friend a tight embrace. "You wouldn't join us for dinner, what have you been up to?!" was her next question.

"Ahehehe..."

However, before Diana could think of an answer, Allegra turns her attention to Aedan. She looked at him suspiciously which made Diana nervous.

"And may I know who is this? care to introduce me to your new friend?"

"This is Aedan, Aedan, this is Allegra, my best friend..." she introduces, and Allegra immediately takes the seat beside Diana, still looking at the man suspiciously.

Aedan beams at her and stretches out his hands, offering Allegra a handshake, which she took.

"Hi, I'm Aedan McInnes... Diana's date" he says, followed by his disarming smile. Knowing that Diana didn't want to tell anyone of her current activities.

"What?!" Allegra's eyes widened in shock. "Since when? You've never told us anything, Diana!" she says, turning to Diana.

"Oh! it's just recent! I didn't want to tell anyone because everything happened just recently! Plus, I didn't want to worry you, also... Aedan's a great guy!" she reasons and gives the grinning man a quick glare.

"I see... well... Of course, I'd be worried about you, and Aedan, what do you do?" was the beginning of Allegra's interrogation.

" I am a music producer," was his reply, which is part of the truth.

Diana sighs, as the interrogation continued.

**********

"Out of many things you could think of! Aedan! you told Allegra, that you're my date..." was the first thing that came out of Diana during the rehearsal break. They were almost late for rehearsal because of it. "We barely made it out of there!"

However, the only reply Aedan gave was a hearty laugh. "Tell me, Diana, what are you exactly worried about? By right, we are not doing anything wrong,"

She paused for a moment and thought about it. What was she worried about " I... I don't know... Dr Skovgaard finding out?" the reason just carelessly slipped out of her lips.

"Aha!" Aedan exclaimed, causing Diana to jolt in surprise.

"What?"

" You're worried about your crush finding out!" he declares.

" Wait...what? I said that?! I-"

"Diana, look, you should not worry, in fact, you should be glad! If your Dr Skovgaard reacts, then it means he cares for you!"

"Of course, that man cares for me! I told you he sees me as his daughter! "

"Uh, uh , uh, that will depend on how he reacts!" he adds, making her a little hopeful. However, she knew that it was impossible.

**********

It was a Sunday when Allegra met her father for brunch. She excitedly jogs upon the small staircase that led to the front door of the restaurant. She had been wanting to tell her dad what she had recently found out.

"Woah... Allegra, what is all this excitement about?" was the first thing Isaac said to his daughter, the moment she arrived at their table, looking a little too excited. He chuckles and calls for the waiter, thinking that it was some sort of good news.

"Guess what I've found out yesterday dad!" her tone and expression turning into 'worry'.

"What is it?"

" Ross Poldark! he's dating her!!" Allegra declares. Describing how Aedan, her friend's date yesterday, has a fleeting resemblance to the character.

"Wait... what? " was his reply, unable to comprehend what his daughter was saying.

" Diana is dating again!!" she declares, clearer this time.

Isaac's expression changes from 'worry' to something darker. Which his daughter didn't notice as she continued telling what she found out.

A/N: I probably made some grammatical errors here and there, so I'd do some soft editing from time to time. Why do you think Isaac's expression darkened? tell me what you think in the comments below.

Also;

Brindisi - is a drinking song.

A number of Opera Singers / Choral Singers / Soloist / Orchestra Musicians have day jobs.

My face claims were; Aidan Turner and Hugh Jackman for Aedan and Max (Because Hugh can sing). I also want to assure you, they're not rivals of Isaac, but plot vouchers for the next chapters. These characters are there to give clarity and support to Diana.

[ineedahiddencorner]

6.23.20

One thing that I was just reminded of in a dream:

Part of the reason why I don't feel completely myself, no matter how well I fix my algorithm?

No real dancing.

I've been swing dancing since I was 13. I don't know the official date of my swingiversary (unlike some folk) because I was dragged along. My sister's then-boyfriend's sister was a regular there and had gotten my sister involved. My sister had been trying to get me to come for weeks. In theory, I was down - she'd taught me the East Coast basic and two turns years before, but only the lead's footwork. (This was very quickly discovered at a volleyball teammate's swing birthday party, where the instructor asked for volunteers for a demonstration. I was so excited, and then did so terribly because I kept trying to start on my left foot.. it was a learning experience.)

I distinctly remember the day she got me to come. She was in the downstairs bathroom, door closed, and I was chatting with her from just outside. I don't remember any of our previous conversation, but just the following:

"Hey [my name]"

'Yeah?"

"Guess what day it is"

[I knew it was Thursday. There was a moment of silence.]

I can't remember the exact words of my reaction, but I'm certain I started fumbling around trying to make excuses for my completely open evening. Sequins just kept firmly saying, "Nope. It's Thursday, you're coming to [Lindy]."

Little did I know..

.. Just how TERRIBLY I'd do my first night!

Of course I jumped into the beginner Lindy lesson. This was when they still taught an actual lindy basic in that time, plus one move.

I don't remember the lesson or most of the evening. I only remember my first actual dance on the floor - the first one they played after lesson - where a kind gentleman asked me to dance and I could not get through a count of 8 without stopping. I may have once or twice in the whole song. We just stuck with lindy, no East Coast.. It did not go the greatest.

Part of it might be terrible memory (as previously found out this last week), but I don't remember being upset.

As mentioned, I don't know how the rest of the evening went, but evidently I kept going.

I don't have too many early memories - mostly things like wearing the red dress that was really a Latin dress but was the only dance-y dress I owned. Then wearing a different dress that I was.. hmm.. not old enough to fill, and one embarrassing dance related. With the addition of dresses came the one night that taught me to wear dance shorts. (I'm certain nothing actually happened, but that concern when you normally wear baggy shirts and jean shorts, and you feel the skirt lifting higher than you'd like? It changes you.)

My first most common outfit (though I can't remember how soon this was after I started) was my red latin dress, a red flower clip in the back, and my slightly-too-big red flats. (A.k.a. the ones I wore EVERYWHERE through ninth and tenth grade.)

Eventually [Haute] gave me my black and white, polka-dot diner dress. I still have that one, and wear it on occasion, but it's just getting old. (It started my Heart of Haute collection though, which was all I would wear for years.)

But that second common outfit was that diner dress, the red flower, and red flats.. clearly there was some easing that needed to happen. Somewhere around there I must've gotten into a single red lip color I had - but I only applied on the main lip area, no edges and most definitely no shape. Ah. Oh very grateful we've come a long way on that end.

I would stand immediately left of the door, cause that's where our friend and Sequins would stand. That stuck even when Sequins stopped coming. (I don't remember why.. but our friend and her friend kept coming for a bit and then stopped too.)

I remember learning the subtle art of asking for/declining a dance even before partners asked - I thought it was the coolest, subtlest thing. I remember watching follows do swivels and admiring them. If I wasn't dancing, I was standing with my arms behind my back, leaning against the wood of that door-left area.

I learned to love dance so much.. in tenth grade my teacher (and mom of my dear friend Caesar - one should also note the class consisted of Rose, Caesar, and I) told us about a dream she had about me getting all the boys from dance. I was mortified, everyone laughed, and it's been a tease since.

Oddly enough, somewhere in there I had the first gentleman ask me out. We were great dance friends! Tried to get a dance with him each time - we got along so well. At one point he asked if I had a boyfriend. I laughingly replied some variation of no. He asked if he'd have a shot. I kindly (and genuinely!) explained that I was 14, but sincerely appreciated it and if I'd been older, absolutely! (I never got his age but knew he was older than me.) He was embarrassed, and I don't really remember seeing him much after.. I understand the embarrassment but still miss him. Alas.

(And there-related, I'm either impressed with him or myself - either he had a very kind eye or I looked relatively together at the time, cause let me just tell you, compared to today's get ups? Oh honey. Oh I was so not properly dressed. Pretty sure this was still when I'd slick my hair back into a tight ponytail.. oof nope not my best look.

That said, we all start somewhere, but dang..)

I definitely had regular partners through that time, though they've changed drastically! It wouldn't be for a couple years that I'd meet Kaiju, Respect-women-juice, and Steals - my longest running, in-and-out-of-dance friends! Let alone more recent friendships..

Oof the early days. Parents dropping me off and picking me up. Then me driving myself but having to be home by 11 for the first year of my license. The different parking lots - North, South, and finally the underground (and my SPOT. I miss my spot. And B. I hope she's doing okay.)

I miss Lindy so much. I relatively regularly attended from that point on. It was a key part of my week for almost half of my life. It's definitely shaped so many parts of my life - respect, communication, kindness, joy, confidence, self-respect.. and much more I know. Heck, even gender roles - I remember getting so excited about leading and talking to a non-dance person as I got better. They were confused as to why being ambidancetrous was a goal and thought it was odd for people to be swapping around the 'fundamental dynamic' of a guy leading and girl following. Meanwhile I was so excited about leading I forgot that was even a view.

(My feelings were captured in the in image below:)

I miss dance. I miss the feeling of a good swingout. Of hitting the break perfectly. Of a favorite song coming on and despeRATELY NEEDING TO FIND THAT PERSON. I miss seeing other dancers in public and getting all excited. I miss trying a dance with a stranger and having it go REALLY FREAKING WELL. I miss finding story songs with Sandman and playing all sorts of characters. I miss laughing when messing up. I miss messing up but playing it off. I miss playing off an entire song cause neither of us are feeling it so we both just act ridiculous. I miss switch dances. I miss getting more confident in my lead. I miss dancing outside Lindy and Peanut-Butter & Dance. I miss hugging my friends. And getting good dips. And everyone's "dance outfits." I miss the Sisters' elaborate themes. The regular FEAST of snacks. I miss Heroes sneaking me in. I miss helping afterwards and catching up with everyone. I miss the peppermints at Lindy and having to move my "spot" for my stuff when the corner would get crowded. I miss the friends I'd make in the ladies lounge. I miss dance shoes. And space. And Camp Hollywood.. frick I miss Camp Hollywood. Days of dancing. The whole mindset being different. (And I was even going to bring ACTUAL food this year! (Not that protein bars and bananas aren't great, but.. variety)

I miss the music. The go to songs. I miss the smells of each of my favorite dance places. I miss feeling like I'm "coming home" every time.. And even if I have very low energy, still having a lovely night talking away to someone.

Especially Lindy. It did feel like home. I knew so many folks there. It was a wonderful home outside school, outside Old Street/New Street. It was my own space where I'd created myself. (Not in a facade way - quite the opposite. Where I'd built myself and my adult identity up from the roots.) It was my space. Not in an owning way, but in an independence way. Before I attended professional mixers and conferences, before I started at Engineering School, before I'd really had full on interviews - I was already my own person, forged by way of jazz music and incredible dancers.

That last part of the sentence is still off. Mostly cause it reduces dance to two things. But eh.

Of course as an adult there's so much more to learn about dance. Now is the perfect time to catch up on my swing history. It's changed over the years and I want to know that change. It's meant more than just light-hearted movements, and I want to catch up.

It's not stagnant. There's much more to know.

I've ignored dance due to "new physics" and therefore subconsciously not letting myself connect with that part of me. But there are other pieces I can learn without actually dancing.

Now is the perfect time for that.

[chloelovestaylors]

In response to Taylor’s ELLE article

I've switched between my phone notes and my iPad notes and a notepad, all before 7am this morning, to voice how much this article has meant to me. I'm unable to collect my many thoughts following reading such a poignant and beautiful piece of writing. For some, it may be just an article filled with advice and lessons learned by some celebrity; to me, it's a collection of advice given to me by my pseudo big sister. It's her telling me some of the tough love that I've been scared to receive, it's her caring about me enough to tell me things I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. It's her talking to me about things that I haven't let anyone know I'm struggling with. I still don't know how to start explaining my gratitude for her and I don't know how to start with how many of her lessons hit close to home. She delivers them with such grace and from a point of such wisdom that I can't even fathom. Yet she also delivers them with humour and in a way that drives her point home. I can only hope to one day be able to use words in the same way. I could go on for hours about how each piece of advice has already deep rooted itself into the part of my brain that usually turns on me, but for now, there were four lessons that apparently hit hard as I felt the need to screenshot them on my first read at 5am this morning.

Lesson two: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble.

I am a caring, empathetic, passive person by nature. That's just who I am. But, I've had to learn how to be that without being so far into the idea of being nice and kind that I neglect to recognise when someone's hurting me. This is still something I'm learning. Learning to grow a backbone and fight for my own happiness instead of being an incessant people-pleaser. Because this trait is so easily manipulated and taken advantage of by everyone around me.

Lesson four: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body.

This is something I'm no where near accepting. I am overweight, it's something I've had to accept due to medication I have to take to control my anxiety and depression, it's something that is written in my genetics. It took me a moment to process this part of the article. Especially the part about shiny hair and more energy. I never tell anyone about this, I'm open with a lot of the hardships I've gone through, however I never mention I've had an eating disorder. Because when I do, people look at me and assume I'm lying because I am overweight. But those nights of calorie counting and diary entries of weight don't discriminate. I've struggled with this for a long time. I recovered in 2017, but in the last few months, I've been slipping back. And it's the most frustrating whirlwind of emotions to relapse into something when you KNOW it's bad for you. When you've worked so hard to get your hair shiny again, when you've cut your waist length curly blonde hair into a shoulder length bob because nothing mattered anymore and now you're FINALLY growing it out again. It's horrible. Reading this lesson obviously doesn't immediately fix me. That's going to take time. But what it did do was remind me that I'm not alone. No matter how isolating this all is.

2013 (the beginning of it all), 2017 (where i chopped all my hair off), Now, where I really want to keep the shine.

Lesson thirteen: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim.

It was hard to hold back tears reading this one. Almost to the day, a year before Taylors sexual assault trial, I finally admitted to myself that I was sexually abused multiple times as a child. It took me another couple of months to tell anyone. Which made it almost 11 years since the first incident. It took me 11 years to understand what happened to me. I was lucky, the people I told first, my best friend and my teacher, they believed me. That weight being lifted off my chest felt like I could breathe for the first time in 11 years. I made the decision not to report it, which is a decision I'm still struggling with. But it was because I was, am, terrified. Of him, of a possible trial, of being questioned when I KNOW what I went through. There's no evidence. Nothing to prove the horror I had to endure multiple times at 5 and 6 years old. Taylor, in a sense, saying she believes me made me tear up because I'm still constantly terrified, even 2 years later, that people are going to tell me I made it up because I didn't speak about it. But to them I ask what 5 year old you know that would tell someone about something that was presented to them as a 'game'.

Lesson twenty-six: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about.

Reading this, I smiled. I was transported back to being 13, counting down to the red tour. 13 was hard. A lot of years were hard, but 13 is where it got really bad. I really wanted to end my life that year. It got so bad that I had a plan and a date. I was ready to do it, but I had just gotten tickets to see Taylor for the first time ever on December 14th. I made a countdown on everything I could. It turned into my motivation to stay alive. Even all my teachers at school knew, and every class I would go into, they'd immediately ask me 'how many days Chloe?" and I'd tell them. Eventually it changed from 84 days to 45 to only a week. In that time I had started therapy and was working really hard to hold on. I held on to see Taylor. And even now, that's what keeps me holding on.

Taylor, I cannot even begin to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and the advice you have given me indirectly through growing up. From age 7 to almost 19, I couldn't imagine someone better to guide me through.

@taylorswift

[artislifeevans]

Para: “Step One: Get Help”

Tagging → Sam Evans and Trey mentioning of

charice.

Time Frame → August 24th around 12:30pm 


Location →coffee shop

General Notes → Trey ask Sam our for coffee, wanting to ask him for help.

[[MORE]]

Trey: was not a nervous man by any means. Being a model meant that you had to be used to people critiquing your looks and telling you what you did wrong. He was used to people telling him he needed to change something or he wasn't good enough because he did it so much for work. But this wasn't work. This was his life. A life that he wanted nothing more than to start with Charice. They'd been dating for a little over a year now and to say that he couldn't stop smiling would be an understatement. How did he even describe how this woman made him feel? She was small and feisty and opinionated and gorgeous. But more than that she challenged him to be a better man. To look deep within him and use a strength he didn't know he had to fight for what he wanted. It was like breathing for her but for him it was a hard lesson he had to learn with her help of course. Besides that she had a kind heart. Not just with her children, who he had the chance to meet and eventually love too, but everyone Charice met. Sure, she had a bad side that if you crossed her, you had the misfortune of meeting but for the most part, she was so kind. And loving. And giving. Which was why he wanted to make her his wife. He'd had a whole plan. Something where he'd whisk her away for the weekend and lavish her with attention and things but she wasnt that type of woman. She could buy who own stuff. So he was going to give her something she couldn't give herself. He knew she was a workaholic so his plan was to take her and the kids away for the weekend. And with the kids help, he would propose. All of it was a solid plan but he knew he wouldn't get anywhere without the right person's help. And that was Sam. He knew Charice was strong and he didn't need to ask Sam for permission to propose but he also knew how much she respected Sam and how it would speak volumes if he didnt include him. If Trey was honest, it was weird how close they were and for a split second he wondered if there was more between them but it became very clear, very quickly that they were family for all intents and purposes. Which was why he'd invited Sam to a coffee shop to chat. Sam was happy when he got a call from Trey wanting to meet up for coffee. Most people would think he was weird for being friends with his ex sister in laws boyfriend. But it wasn’t weird for Sam, okay maybe at first it was weird. His loyalty was with his brother, and he really felt like they could work things out if they wanted. But he knew it wasn’t up to him and he needed to respect their decision, especially Charice. He knew that she wasn’t happy and that she just wanted to move on with her life. And honestly all Sam wanted was for her to be happy and he believed that she was once Trey stepped into her life. When Sam first met him, he was highly protective of Charice. But as they started dating and Sam got to know Trey he could see what a good guy he was, and how he was so good with his nephew and nieces. Once Sam dropped his protective habits and got to know Trey better. They became really good friends. Sam finally made his way to the coffee shop. He pulled the door open, smiling when he spotted Trey. “TREYYYYY!”He said loudly, knowing he was being embarrassing. Trey couldn't help but chuckle when Sam said his name loudly. "Homie, you gotta chill," he laughed, bumping his fist with Sam's. "You always so damn loud." He took his seat and pushed a cup of coffee towards Sam. "I already got your coffee. Black just like you like it." Sam chuckled loudly, ignoring the looks he was getting from older people. “What?!! I’m chilled! I’m chilled!” He laughed, returning the fist bump. “Hey! I’m not THAT loud!” He playfully rolled his eyes as he sat down. “Thank you! I haven’t had caffeine in four hours and I’m dying” he said eyeing his friend up, before speaking “So what’s up?”

Trey took a slow sip of his own drink and breathed out heavily. "Before I say anything I need you to know that I'm not doing this because I think Charice has to be asked for. I mean I know she's a grown ass woman who can take care of herself and she doesn't need me or you to be her guard or to make decisions for her but since I cant talk to Chris or Santana about this because frankly, they scare the shit out of me, you're my best bet..." Sam could tell by the way Trey was acting that he had something big to talk to him about. Especially from the way he was taking a deep breath. He shifted in his seat as he took a sip of his own coffee, quickly raising an eyebrow when Trey started to speak. He nodded his head in understanding as Trey continued, not blaming him at all for being scared to talk to Santana and Chris. If he was honest he knew out of everyone in their group those two were the worst at being overprotective when it came to Charice. He chuckled lightly “Listen I have been friends with them forever and they still scare me.. just don’t tell them that though” he smiled, quickly started to worry, “Is this thing bad??? Of course it is if you’re coming to me? I mean everyone comes to me when they want to break something to Charice! As if she won’t kill me and hide my body! If it’s a secret don’t tell me!” he rambled nervously. Trey inhaled once more before pulling the small ring box out of his pocket and sliding it over the table. "You sure you don't wanna know about the secret?" he shrugged. The barista who made their drinks walked by to clean a nearby table and smiled when she saw the ring on the table and Sam's shocked face. "Ohhh I love proposals. Did he say yes yet?" Trey looked up at her and shook his head. "I haven't asked yet so... if you could..." She nodded and zipped her lips. "Of course. How about a free muffin on us if he says yes or no..." Trey gave her a fake smile and turned back to Sam. "So..." Sam was about to say something else. Like how he want gonna help Trey break anything to Charice and that he was on his own. But before he could speak, he noticed Trey sliding a small ring box his way. He quickly realized what Trey was trying to do and it was obviously he was asking for his help. Sam couldn’t help but smile. He was happy that Trey wanted to propose to his sister and was going to give Trey his answer before the waiter came up to them. He looked at the girl confusingly, trying hard not to roll his eyes at her comments. He was about to tell the girl a thing or two, but decided against it. His eyes went back to the box, he was happy for Trey and he was sure what Charice answer would be. But some part of him thought about his brother. He knew Dylan had moved on, or at least that what he was trying to convince everyone including himself. But he knew his brother still loved Charice. But another part knew this wasn’t about Dylan and his feelings. It was about Charice and what he was sure that he wanted. Besides Trey was becoming like a best friend to him and he was he to not try to help. “Count me in!” He smiled.

Trey clapped his hands quickly at Sam's response and stood up to give him a hug. "Thanks man! I mean really! I was afraid you'd say no or tell me it was a bad idea or that... I don't know Dylan was still in love with her or something wild," he laughed, taking his seat once more. "I was just thinking the craziest things because I just wanna spend the rest of my life with her ya know? Have you ever just felt like there's this one person who you know makes you better but more than that, all you want is to be with them. It doesn't matter if it's in the middle of a storm or the worst party ever or when they're sick or you just wanna be in a room with them. You ever felt that for someone?" Sam chuckled as he got up to return Trey’s hug. “No problem man! I’m happy that I can help” he said honestly, sitting back in his chair. He shook his head when Trey mentioned his fears “Listen. This isn’t about my big brother.. this is about Charice.. I love her very much Trey.. I would do anything for her. And I know how much she loves you.. you make her happy and honestly that’s all I want for her. She’s been through so much hell.. it’s time for her to be happy” he smiled. He looked down at his hands instantly thinking about Mercedes at Treys question. Even though he has let Mercedes go and accepted the fact that he had lost her forever. It didn’t mean that he doesn't that about their past together and almost having a happily ever after with her. He nodded his head, clearing his throat, looking back up at his friend “Yeah.. I felt like that once upon of time.. it didn’t work in my favor.. but It makes me happy to see that it will for Charice and for you.” He smiled. Trey nodded and licked his lips. "Look man, I'm not a romantic or nothing but I fully believe that love like that doesn't just not work out. That shit has to come from some cosmic force or something. But thank you for your support and you know if she says yes you're gonna have a spot in the wedding right? You can be our flower boy," he joked. Sam wanted to believe that Trey was right, that maybe somehow or another, he could get it right with Mercedes again. But in his mind he knew that was going to happen. They both just needed to move one and stay good friends. He simply nodded his head, giving Trey a small smile “no problem man.. “ he chuckled, playfully rolling his eyes “Awwww can I even wear a cute little dress too?” He said in a girly tone. Trey chuckled. "Of course! But look, you gotta keep this on the DL okay? I don't know when or how I'm gonna do this but I've got this plan to take her away for a romantic weekend... But she can't know. Deal?" Sam shook his head, laughing as he took another sip of his coffee “I promise.. she won’t hear anything from me.. In fact let me know when you do so if she has the kids that weekend. I can take them off her hands.” He suggested. Trey smiled and took one last sip of his coffee. "Thanks man. I really appreciate it. But look I gotta head out, I've got this shoot I need to get to. Thanks again Sam."<p/>

[vminity21]

Waste it On Me

After 3 years of silence, your ex decides to reappear out of the blue.

You style your hair the way you like and throw a light shade of lipstick on. I can't believe I'm doing this, you think to yourself, but maybe, just maybe there's hope in this. An uneasy feeling hits your stomach as you finish your make up, and reach for your favorite winter coat that compliments your favorite outfit for the evening.

Memories of the break up cloud your mind as you pace around the kitchen waiting on your ex to pick you up. He is planning on taking you to your favorite restaurant that sits directly in front of your favorite shopping center. Maybe he will even apologize. Start over, make things right again, you wonder as you try to picture a perfect night.

You didn't mention anything to your friends about the upcoming encounter and even your parents have no idea. I know what they will say, you said to yourself a week prior when your ex decided to message you asking how you've been. Maybe this is all a game? You question, but it's been 3 years? He must to have changed after it being that long, you decide.

He's known for being verbally abusive towards you in the past, playing with your emotions, accusing you of things you have never done, but with it being 3 years since the last time you saw him, you can't help but think maybe there's a reason he's coming back. But, is the reason a good reason?

Before you have a chance to answer the million questions running over and over in your brain, you hear the doorbell ring. Lips parted, your eyes widen as the nerves wave in your stomach. You can do this, you can do this.

You open the door, your ex greets you with a bundle of your favorite flowers. "Oh, wow!" You breathe as you timidly take the flowers from him.

"Well, you look beautiful." He compliments, as you rush to lay the flowers on the kitchen counter.

"Thank you." You say, as you take in the nice outfit he is wearing, the cologne you always liked, the way he fixed his hair the way he used to on fancy date nights before the relationship went to dust.

"Shall we?" He smirks and offers you his arm.

You take it still with a shy grin and follow him to his car.

The ride to the restaurant did not take as long as you thought it would, and the two of you are sat immediately the second you walk into the restaurant. Your ex orders for you, a meal from this restaurant you always get when you go, and your favorite drink.

Small conversation starts until your ex has a look in his eye as if he wants to ask you something but decides against it. You wonder if it will be something romantic, or maybe he will ask about the break up and how you have been since then. Maybe he will apologize and tell you how much he has missed you and all the lessons he's learned since losing you. Maybe he will talk about adventures you always dreamed of going on and if you have been able to accomplish them. Maybe he will see the person you have always been and will love you the way you deserve. Maybe he-

Before you know it, dinner is finished and the two of you head to his car with all these questions remaining unanswered.

Once the two of you are seated comfortably in his car, you are about to buckle your seat belt when your ex clears his throat.

"So... I have a question for you..." He begins, and suddenly, the uneasy feeling you had earlier returns. Something doesn't seem right in the tone of his voice which is very familiar to you from 3 years ago. It was the tone of voice that means you need to prepare your heart for whatever he's about to say because it's going to hurt you.

You tense up, your shoulders rigid. You look ahead and grit your teeth trying to ignore the feeling of nausea in the pit of your stomach.

"I know this is a bit random, but I really need to know." He continues.

You swallow at the lump in your throat.

He begins speaking, "How many people have you been with since you know... We brok-"

SLAM!

You slam the passenger car door behind you as you stomp toward the front of the restaurant. The crisp, winter air is blowing through your hair as you hold back tears.

You hear the rushed zoom of his car leaving the paring lot, squeaking against the road.

You pull out your cellphone and dial your mother's number.

"C'mon mom, pick up." You murmur, wiping at a tear that manages to roll down your cheek. After a second time calling, your mom doesn't pick up. She's probably still at work and you sit down on the bench behind you fighting more tears.

I knew it. I knew it! Why did I do this myself? You think to yourself. You know better, [Your name], You know better than this. You-

"Hi.." A soft voice surprises you, and you look to see who the stranger is.

He's tall with dark hair lying flat underneath a black beanie. His hands are bundled in the pockets of his leather jacket, and you notice he is also wearing a dark shade of jeans and black converse. His eyes are shy, and his lips are parted as if he wants to say something else, but you decide to speak up.

"Hi," You greet thinking he may be a stranger just passing by, but to your surprise he still stands there.

"I'm sorry to bother you, I just happened to notice you leaving that car a second ago and wanted to make sure you're okay."

His words are kind, but at this moment, you're not in the mood for sweet talk if that's what he is trying to play. And of course, after the night you've had so far, another boy causing you heartbreak is not in your best of interest.

You fold your arms across your chest and look down at your shoes, gently scraping the tips of them against the cement of the sidewalk.

"May I.. May I take a seat?" The stranger asks. You nibble the inside of your cheek in doubt.

You nod, and the guy takes a seat beside you, glancing in your direction.

"My name is Jungkook." He introduces himself. "What is your name?"

You meet his eyes for a second, and quickly look back towards your shoes. He is much cuter than you realize, and you try ignoring the butterflies that decide to gather around your heart.

"[Your Name]." You say timidly.

"It's nice to meet you." He says, looking back to the parking lot. His arm is almost touching yours and you realize how close he is to you. As if something takes over you, you begin to speak.

"He asked me a question he shouldn't have asked." You say as the shock overwhelms you. Did I just say that out loud? You grit your teeth in irritation at yourself, but for some reason, this stranger sitting next to you is giving you a sense of trust you have never felt before. Maybe it's because he is a stranger? Maybe not knowing him and possibly never seeing him again gives you the bravery of telling him what just happened; telling him why you're done with love and how nothing ever seems to go the way you thought it would, or hoped it would? Maybe-

"The person in the fast car?" He asks interrupting your thoughts.

"Yeah... That was my ex." You look away for a second trying to gather your words.

"I'm sorry." He says looking down at his knees then returning his eyes to a light post a few feet from the bench the two of you are sitting on.

"It's okay." You muster. "He's done it before."

The cold is starting to return to you and you notice the white air coming from you and this nice boy's mouth each time the two of you speak. For a second, you forgot its winter and the poor boy beside you must be freezing.

"I'm sorry," You apologize, realizing the two of you have gotten lost in conversation for some time. "You must be freezing."

"No, no I'm fine." He gives you a sweet side grin when you meet his eyes. A blush rushes to your cheeks and you're praying he doesn't notice.

"Actually, if you need a ride home, I can take you." He offers. "And if you need to talk about everything and get things off your chest, I'm a good listener."

You look back at him, as trusting as he seems, you've never been comfortable getting in a stranger's car. You look down at your twiddling fingers, butterflies still swarming.

"That's very nice of you, but I don't really get in cars with people I've just met." You say honestly expecting him to become annoyed.

"Okay then," He nods standing to his feet. "The bus then." He offers you his hand.

"Wait, what?" You're caught off guard by his reaction.

"The bus." He repeats with a smile showing off beautiful, pearly teeth. "It's public, there are stops everywhere and probably one near your house, I will pay for it, and it's warm."

"But- but what about your car? My house is about 20 minutes from here." You stand slowly to your feet trying to get this kind stranger to change his mind.

"I will ride the bus back and drive my car back home, I only live 5 minutes from here." He gestures with his hand once again for you to take it. "Even if I lived 30 minutes from here, I still don't mind."

You feel overwhelmed by the genuine smile he has on his face. Even with your ex, he never shown you the kindness that this stranger by the name of Jungkook has shown you.

"I- I don't know what to say." You're speechless.

"You don't have to say anything," He smiles, his hand still outstretched.

With a big smile, you reach for his hand with yours, your heart flying in the process.

As you follow him to the nearest bus stop, a few people are gathered around waiting for it to arrive. Jungkook never let go of your hand, and you weren't gonna let him.

Even on the bus ride home, the two of you talk about random things, sharing laughter and memories, to the point you forget why you were even sad earlier to begin with. Once the bus arrives at your stop, your smile falls and your heart feels heavy.

Jungkook's smile dims too once he realizes where the two of you are.

"I'm home now." You murmur in disappointment. You begin to stand and join the other passengers about to exit the bus.

"Wait-" Jungkook says as he stands with you. "Here." He hands you his phone, which you realize the two of you never touched your phones the whole night since meeting. He quickly unlocks it. As the passengers are still gathering to exit the bus, you swiftly type in your number and hand Jungkook his phone.

In this moment, this moment right here, something washes over you, and it's something you don't want to fight anymore. The next thing you know, you are on your tippy toes, hands on his shoulders, his face a blur, and you peck his lips with yours. You don't give him time to react.

"Thank you." You whisper. Even if Jungkook doesn't understand or know the reason you're thanking him you don't care. He just gave you the best night you have had in a while. And, it was much needed.

You give him one quick smile and rush to get off the bus.

As you make it to your room, the happy feeling in your heart leaves a smile on your face. Here you were at one-point thinking love was a waste of time, and that it never works, and that no matter how much you give, you will always be let down. All you were given before were lies, manipulation, verbal abuse, and heart ache which gave you a false perception of love. What you had before wasn't love at all, it was a waste of time.

Your phone buzzes and you reach for it swiftly.

Tears well in your eyes, but this time out of pure joy.

Jungkook: No no, [Your Name], thank YOU.

And that's another reason you decided to thank him before leaving the bus earlier. Because not only did Jungkook give you a great night. He also gave you a new hope. A new hope that there is a possibility of falling in love again. But this time with a good person.

And for that, you will always be thankful.

And if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time like you once believed,

Then you are willing, for the first time in 3 years, to waste it on him no matter what.

[lyrsui]

Sometimes I think about the nature of recycling people in your life. For example, around this time last year, I had started dating Java. We dated for about three months before things kind of fizzled out (amicably, I guess?) but we haven't really been in touch since.

Our dating life was odd to me. We went out every week and did different things - theatre, comedy shows, museums, the park. I enjoyed spending time together. I appreciated that she was already in an open relationship, which immediately made me feel comfortable. We had a lot of discussions and similar humor. It was funny, because we got along, but I also never felt like, a sense of passion or excitement within myself and I found that odd. We also didn't talk much in between dating. Sure, we are both busy people with active lives, but yeah we never texted casually... So except for the times when we were face to face, we just didn't have a lot of interaction. She was also much more cautious about physical affection so we didn't do things like holding hands or kissing in public (which are things I love, though in moderation).

I often felt like I was dating someone platonically, and I wondered a lot about whether a romantic spark would emerge later. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be immediate. It didn't help that I felt awkward bringing her to spaces I frequent - for example, I brought her to see me perform poetry once but it was like a very like... LGBT and quirky venue, and I just worried it was weird for her? Or how to feel like I'm able to mingle and network without feeling like I'm either dragging her along or abandoning her? I also thought a lot about what it would be like to include her into my family and so on. She wasn't really very close to hers, so we talked a lot about our relationships with our parents.

It's strange, because we never got to a place of being girlfriends, but we aligned in ways that were important - she was someone who had active career goals (definitely more successful than me in this regard, of course) and who wanted to meet up right away (we met on tinder) and she was okay with taking a slow pace on dating and not hinging our relationship on physicality. All those things were healthy for me, and it was such a change to be taken out frequently and kind of spoiled a bit and to feel at ease. I've never gotten that with men, really, so it was a big deal for me.

Anyway. We follow each other on Instagram still. I like all her traveling photos of her and her boyfriend, and she watches my stories, and none of this is significant. Sometimes I wish we were friendlier though. One of her big interests had been architecture, and she was always pointing out the designs of buildings. When I went to the Caribbean and started photographing homes, I thought of her a lot and wanted to share these pictures with her, or strike a conversation.

I have also learned that sometimes bringing a person back into your life fails. On a separate occasion, post-Java, I tried to rekindle things with a different girl I'd previously hooked up with, but that kind of fell apart on the second try. Which like. I accepted. So the lesson is that not every "what if?" is someone that really got away. sometimes people just don't fit. Trying to date retroactively can be a disaster. It's fine to miss people but I think in missing them you can romanticize a relationship just because you're lonely, and in the process overlap actual gaps in compatibility.

I think that Java is in this category. Yes, we were compatible on paper, but we lacked an emotional connection. For us to try to date again probably would not work in the same way. But I can recall superficial details about her and that feels like something to value. However. I personally do not feel convinced that we have to try again. I just think a lot about how nice we might be as genuine friends, and I don't know how to initiate that. I think about it a lot. I also wish I could remember her birthday. She's a Capricorn, so this is her season... Although she doesn't care much for horoscopes or birthdays. 😅

[an-asuryampasya]

thing about getting to meet my closest friend in person for the first time in six years!!! putting a cut because i occasionally remember my manners about not clogging up people's dashes

i met my closest friend yesterday for the first time in six years. six years!! we've known each other since we were what. eight years old I think? I absolutely hated his guts back. i cannot stress enough how much i despised her with all the fury and hatred my tiny self could muster. it went on for YEARS. oh, the depths of playground politics i delved into and strings i pulled. i am, to date, mildly in awe at the power I managed to wield and how i did it. i don't think i've ever experienced that level of commitment to anything in my life ever since, really. i would have cackled evilly if i knew basic media tropes back then. the entire foundation of my approach rested on the other side, said friend and her friend, being power-hungry despots who cared little for others' choices on the playground while I, on the other hand, was a benevolent (non-)leader (because this was a democracy unlike them, excuse you) and we went by popular vote (yes i am aware the concept of leaders exist in democracies but my third-grade self got it a little mixed up, shush). it was magnificent and it worked. I had regular victories and I reveled in them. i was winning at life.

anyway turns out it was entirely one-sided and said friend barely registered a blip on their and figured I just liked playing different games askddhsfs learning (only last year, in fact) that I inadvertently played the role of that bumbling villain who does little more than cause minor annoyances and doesn't even count as an enemy was humbling xD

I kinda held this friend responsible for my then-bestie and i drifting apart and that hadn't helped, really. but man how times have changed. I don't even know where then-bestie is today, while my sworn enemy from then is someone i'd help bury a body for today.

i'm really glad i have this person in my life. :)

and the six years thing? yeah so here's the deal. we've lived in the same city for the better part of those six years. my city isn't even that huge and they live only about 10-15 minutes away from me. six years of living in the same city and not once did we meet skdfhs. tbh i'd even go so far as to say that while the current iteration of our relationship started off with us bonding over fandoms in ninth/tenth back in school, I think it was during those six years of being exclusively online that we got this close. this friend is a huge part of my life and i'm literally texting them about something dumb as i type this too. i've learnt so much from them, ya know? even how to be a good friend. i take the lessons i've learnt from her behaviour and directly apply it to other friends and they response by considering me such an understanding and nice fr- no you don't get it, i'm literally just hitting copy+paste on behaviour. i suck at being a good friend naturally, and that reflects when i encounter brand new situations and completely drop the ball. i just happen to have a good teacher for the other situations like 3 AM breakdowns because this friend has handled enough of my own 3 AM breakdowns. anyway i digress.

the point of this whole thing is that anxiety fucking sucks. so much. i'm meeting my bestie for the first time in ages and all i can think of is that i suck in-person. here's the thing. i am not very fun offline. i certainly think i can sometimes be fun online, but overall i firmly believe online-me >>> offline-me. (now pointedly ignoring the implications of online-me also being not-great-company based on how i act on the tumble because i cannot handle that tangent rn. fwiw, tumblr-me is experimental and fairly different from how i act over text i think. or at least, i'd like to think?idk anyway MOVING ON before i spiral-) plus like. said friend looks very cool. i... do not. i am still figuring out how i'd like to look etc (yeah if you've seen that ongoing thing about experimenting with my hair throughout May, it's a direct result of this insecurity. i'm pleasantly surprised that i've stuck to it till now and am still going strong! I might attempt a regency-based one soon too :D okay back to the point. i am very bad at staying on topic, sorry.) and i've changed a great deal physically since i last saw this friend. so amongst all of these insecurities bubbling up and stuff, i kinda didn't want to meet her at all? and that sucks because why!!! why would i not want to meet my closest friend!! this also holds for other friendships. if i don't meet in person very often, i don't want to. i did the exact same thing, except more intensely for another friend back on campus too and kept looking for excuses to put off meeting him. eventually i met him because i ran out of excuses and i was so freaked out, i had to get like five different people at various points to push me. and i ended up having a blast! i liked meeting that friend and had a great time and stuff. brain gremlins just suck. anyway so back to this friend. apologies if i'm getting confusing, i lost the thread of whatever this post was supposed to be ages ago. i'm glad I met this friend yesterday but i also now i'll freak out the next they propose meeting too

aaaaaah no, not ending this on a sour note. this friend means too much to me.

heh so we never met in six years despite living in the same city? thing is, we only met now because said friend is leaving the country soon. and i am!!! so happy for them!!! they got into a wonderful program in canada and heck, they deserve it! they're brilliant and have achieved SO MANY cool things in their undergrad and honestly, i am often struck by wonder that they're my friend. just. my friend is very cool and you, reader who doesn't know who i nor this friend are, should know that. and i finally got to meet them in person after so long :)

(and the odds are i won't be meeting them ever again asdshkff because they have no reason to return and i have no reason to head to canada)