#i'm writing this at 4am after i've had a bad day and a bought of insomnia so don't yell at me for rambling on inarticulately

[dzpenumbra]

3/20/23

Today didn't feel like much, but I actually got quite a bit done. I finished another 5 runs in the desire path project, the path is now pretty much done, actually. It's crazy how quickly it came together, I really wasn't expecting it to be that fast. 15 trips back and forth was all it took. Visual markers made a huge difference, which... I guess... is what trail blaze is about, so... makes sense. But it was crazy how quickly that turned into just... barely wandering at all.

I spent pretty much the rest of the day working on my hoodie. This was the result... I am now actually kinda regretting having bought so many of these fabric pens. Because the fabric paint that I bought? I'm basically using exclusively that. And it was kind of an impulse buy. I did a lot of area fills with silver and white today, and... I actually ran out of silver. Halfway through a ring section. And the silver paint I have does not match that pen paint at all, so I actually had to paint over the progress I had made. But transitioning into the paints unlocked some doors for me. I don't know why I've been so averse to using paint brushes... stubbornness, I guess? Pencil/pen has been my primary medium for ages, but I was forced to major in Painting and painted a ton because of it. Haven't really painted much since, now that I think of it... maybe that's why it's so foreign... just never really made the time for it, I guess.

But painting is actually working pretty well. It takes a bit longer to get solid lines because you don't have a solid sturdy applicator(? I don't know what word to use there) of color. The paint brush bends, basically, and pens are sturdy, that's what I'm trying to say. That has its advantages and disadvantages. But painting came back super quick, and very naturally, I'm having no real problems with it. Except... buyer's remorse... I got a ton of these pens, all different colors.

They aren't bad pens, I mean that. The color is very opaque, they don't really smell at all... which is nice... good flow... They just don't have a lot of ink in them. And the ink is basically paint, so... I might as well buy paint and get... more paint for my buck... right? And the paint, ultimately, is better quality. The silver is very vibrant, very impressive. So yeah. I'll definitely use the pens. I have lots of uses for them. But, in the future, I'm opting towards these paints instead, especially for large-scale pieces.

I did laundry, that was a win. But that... was basically my day.

For real. I did yoga, I ate cereal and did the desire path thing, I showered, I worked on the hoodie, I did laundry, I ate dinner, I worked on the hoodie, I played Noita for like... 15 minutes... until it crashed... and here I am. That's all, that was my day.

I was considering going skating, but I got sucked into... Civilization-style "one more turn" mode. I was making the desire path, and went... "yeah, I just have a few more sections to do, I'll wrap that up real quick, shower, then I'll go skate a bit." Then when I finally wrap up and look at the clock? 6:50PM.

I honestly... I have no idea how the sidewalk conditions even are. I haven't left the building since I skated during the storm, that was almost a week ago. If the sidewalks are good, I really should put this plan into effect: reserve the shared car, ride my hybrid board over there, drive to the skatepark, buy a new skateboard and a helmet, skate for a bit to break it in. That sounds like a good way to spend an afternoon. It's just... something I have to plan a little in advance (I think) due to the car reserving thing, and... hasn't been synergizing well with this PTSD going-to-bed-at-dawn bullshit. I'm sure writing this at 4AM is doing me favors...

I will get there, I mean it. I mean... on weekdays, the park is open until 8PM... That's easy as fuck to make work. The only caveat there is... skating back to my apartment in the dark after dropping off the car. I have no lights at all, I usually wear pretty much all black, I need to get that figured out ASAP before I take that thing out at night, that's unbelievably unsafe.

So yeah, I guess I'll gauge that as I go.

I had that kinda stuff lingering in my mind today. What do I even go and do to meet people? Where do I even go? I mean... eating out is so goddamn expensive. Like... I'm trying to envision it. Do I go to this American cuisine/bar place nearby and get dessert there for like a $12 slice of cheesecake that could fit in my palm, and just sit at the bar and eat that and hope the people nearby are even remotely similar to me? Do I go to this boardgame cafe and pay a $6 entry fee to... just kinda lurk around because it's supposed to be a place you bring a date or your friends to to play games together? Do I go to a trivia night at the bar up the street and sit in the corner and play by myself because I don't know anyone? Every one of these options sounds awkward as hell, and not worth the effort. At least with the skatepark, I have something I can actively do. I can embarrass myself in skating ways, instead of awkward loitering ways.

Since I was 17, I had a tool to smoothly escape awkward social situations, and to meet new people. It was called a cigarette. Not sure if you've heard of them, they're pretty rare nowadays. They're basically leaves from the tobacco plant that are dried, shredded and rolled in a tube of paper, with a synthetic fiber filter at the end. Like a joint, but with tobacco. Um... god, I feel like I'm losing the reader here... um... OH! Like a vape pen, but like... using the actual natural plant that the concentrated liquid is extracted from. Those things.

Last night, I was writing a comment to someone who was posting in an online smoking cessation support group I had been a part of off-and-on for like... 10 years. They had severe anxiety and panic disorder, they wanted to know if quitting was going to make their anxiety more severe. First... duh. Second... bro, there are much bigger things you need to worry about than 2 weeks of being super stressed out. I wrote a bunch and then deleted it, because... I've just been doing that a lot lately. I just... ugh. I feel like I'm going to get pounced on if I post anything at all on Reddit, it's such a fucking cesspool lately. Also, PTSD.

But I was writing about exactly this. How that person who has been smoking since they were 16 really needs to talk to their therapist pronto about developing some kinds of tools for a) stress management, b) getting out of social situations (stepping outside regularly), c) meeting new people (approaching and smoking with people), d) getting up and periodically moving throughout the day. If they are anything like me, these will be dramatic changes, and cigarettes become completely entwined with your life that way. The only way you get up and step outside? To smoke. Your reward for accomplishing something? Cigarette. Overwhelmed by a group event? Step outside and smoke. Wanna go somewhere more quiet? So does your cigarette. Hey look, some people smoking, I can casually approach them and ask them what they're up to, I fit in there.

Being crammed into "smoking areas" built a sense of comradery, which... for those of us who have an aversion towards extroversion... and try to respect peoples' boundaries to a paranoid degree... became a bit of a dependency for socializing. So... yeah. I'm feeling it big time. And I really, really wish weed could fill that void for me. I really do. And maybe someday it might. But right now? It just makes me feel like I'm sitting and chatting with a bunch of Russian spies or reptilians or organ harvesters, or whatever sci-fi bullshit my imagination is on that day.

But here's the sad part - which, I guess, is kind of a good part? I guess? I don't know anymore... - even if I said fuck it and picked up that insanely expensive habit again... I really don't think anyone around here fucking smokes anymore. I really don't see a lot of people out smoking, not even outside of bars. Not like it used to be. I smell tons of people smoking weed in their apartments, like... at least half of the apartments out of the 11 apartments between me and the mail room door. But I don't think people really smoke cigarettes as much anymore. Which, to me... honestly... is weird... since alcohol is like... clearly a much more dangerous substance, in pretty much every aspect I can think of, really. People just... don't like smoked substances. Kinda like they think skateboarding is dangerous when it's "loud", and then a bicycle flies by at twice the speed, with half the wheels, and is a giant pretzel of metal that could severely fuck up anyone it hits, and they barely bat an eye. That whole Karen syndrome, where science is simply a tool used to push an agenda.

But hey, after what happened last time they tried to get rid of booze? I don't blame them for never trying again. I guess smokers are bigger pushovers. It's easier to push around chronically depressed, anxious messes than it is to push around raging alcoholics. They are literally some of the most dangerous people on the planet, imo.

Have I made my case? XD

I honestly am not even sure I'd want to smoke again even if I did get those advantages back. I don't miss the shortness of breath. I don't miss the dizziness. I don't miss stinking all the time, despite it "covering up" other smells and providing me a sense of anti-anxious security. I just need to develop a habit similar to it.

What am I going to do? Go out to the parking lot and just... stand there for 5 minutes and look at my phone? Every 2 hours? Just approach people who are smoking and just sit with them and not smoke, just go "hi, I came out here to try to meet people the only way I remember how." Any options there that don't make me look creepy as shit?

Everywhere I look, every option is awkward as fuck!

Except for going to the skatepark. So... that's bumped to the top of the list. But now, it's 4:30, so I really gotta wrap things up here if I have any chance of making it tomorrow.

Lots of good work done today, and my orchid got watered, so no worries there. I'm so glad it's still doing well, I feel like I've had that thing for like... 2 months or so now. Still looks healthy, too!

[websthetics]

I was feeling like trash yesterday and wanted to watch a garbage tv show so I ended up watching love is blind, a reality tv show abt ppl falling in love without seeing each other, and I cannot stop thinking about it

for all that this show is extremely heterosexual (there’s a “girls side” and a “boys side” and they date each other by going into pods and talking to each) it’s actually also incredibly gay?? Hear me out. It’s about people talking to each other, forming relationships on personality instead of sexual attraction. A lot of contemporary “straightness” comes with compulsory physical attraction (allonormativity) and this attempts to circumnavigate that to build a relationship in a different way (i.e. the way a demisexual/ace person would)

but also every time they call it an experiment i have to laugh. where is your control group? where’s your background research on this? lmfao there’s one guy who’s a “scientist” and he’s like “i have to see this experiment out”. at best this is a “case study” but let’s be fucking real it’s reality tv and the drama! is! manufactured!

but also when it comes to queer rep there is one guy who is bisexual (but is only named as such by his partner on the show #yikes) and like as much as I want my man carlton to find love, that relationship ends up falling apart but at least one gets to see a relationship ruined by internalized biphobia? #representation idk it’s not a great scene... like it’s obviously manufactured! drama! but they have him be misogynistic to his partner bc he’s afraid of her rejecting him for being bi and she’s like “i just wish you had been honest. you misled me blah blah blah” and like? is both biphobic but also i can see her point??? also the whole time the ways they’re mistreating each other feel like black stereotypes?? not a good look @ love is blind

(hoo boy i also binge watched next in fashion which is Great except there is one episode where I was definitely like... this is manufactured drama... and it’s also at the expense of black folks so like #yikes)

(this is television this is scripted You Can’t Fool ME)

But back to this show in general. Also there’s two women who choose not to have sex once they meet their partners irl and they’re never shamed for their choice. one of them is also like “I’m in love with you but not sexually attracted to you.” (my words, not hers) and it’s like idk.. validating. To see people have a diversity of reactions revolving around attraction and love

additionally it’s also like “oh! we’re not falling in love based on physical appearance!” but every one of these individuals is smokin’ hot and i have to laugh (also I am very very bisexual so it’s also delicious eye candy *drools*. (I’m also asexual?? IDK THIS IS FINE WHAT IS SEXUALITY EVEN)) (but I guess it’s bc they can’t have somebody meeting their person and being like “lol actually you’re ugly I can’t love you” bc that would SUCK. i guess that also means no disabled folks. it’s just like. you’re creating this show around a premise that is... not actually real for the situation you’ve manufactured.) (also it’s tv so it must needs have beautiful people *sighs*)

all in all i think it’s a very ace friendly show & I would hazard an aro friendly show for those who aren’t romo repulsed bc it’s not *forced relationships* (aka “where the fuck did that come from?”) but natural connections

Also I desperately want a spin off of this that’s just queer as fuck. like. Only bisexuals/pansexuals/polysexuals etc. There’s trans people and genderqueer people. Idk how to get around the “gendered sides” thing BUT FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE I WANT A QUEER DATING REALITY TV SHOW (also. imagine. open polyamory???) (also they wouldn’t have to manufacture any drama bc that’s already the way queer ppl treat each other #yolo #yikes don’t hate me I’M RIGHT)

oh yeah that’s the other “queer thing” is that there’s a point where after they’re partnered the couples are hanging out and someone points out “yeah, we all dated each other” and THAT’s QUEER CULTURE BAYBEEE

also i can’t believe this show is being released weekly. This is netflix. don’t be cowards. upload the whole thing and let me bingewatch it. none of this “next week on *this show*” pphhhhhhbbtttttt. who do you think I am? a normal person who can normally be invested in a show on a weekly basis? I watched it. I intend to be obsessed about it for two days and then entirely forget about it. #adhdlyfe

also I must admit that I said when talking abt this to a friend... “I’m like the opposite of a romance repulsed aro...I’m a romance attracted aro.” and that is the most Leo Venus thing I’ve ever said in my life

[thoughtsofagent]

Red flags and abuse.

Well it's been a while.

We all break from time to time. Me, I broke and I broke bad.

I lost an amazing girl, I pulled away from friends and family, I near lost my job. I felt so lost even though I had support. To this day I don't know what caused or triggered it but I'm still working through it.

For nearly a year I was, for want of a better word, broken.

Then I met a girl. She was amazing and we instantly clicked. We spent our first two dates sat on a bench watching the stars and talking (in fact for my birthday she bought me a star map of that night, framed).

She was submissive, very submissive. In fact she adored abuse. Then she explained why.

She was groomed and abused as a child. She was made to take drugs, which quickly turned to alcohol. She went through 14 years of hell, but she said meeting me was her turning point.

She wanted to beat the drink. And she was suffering. The withdrawals were horrendous, but I did what any good person would do; I sat up with a cold flannel to cool her down and stop the shakes and I'd hold her when she cried.

She said no one had treated her that way and broke down. She adored me.

But the drink kept coming back. And that's when the abuse started.

First it was name calling. This quickly turned to violence, with remorse the next day and no recollection. I hid my bruises. I was lucky; she was near a foot shorter than me and 5 stone lighter, meaning I could keep her at bay when she attacked me. But I still got hurt.

Through heartache I continued, accepting apology after apology, and did my best to help her.

It got so bad that one day I had to restrain her from hitting and biting me after she threw a glass at me. I held her for near 40 minutes until she calmed down; crying, drunk.

She couldn't sleep, her depression was taking over and that very next day I came home to her in the bathtub, razor in hand, blood everywhere.

I quickly wrapped her up and rushed her to hospital. We were released out at 4am.

It got better for a few weeks after. But it always came back. One particular day she was so drunk she couldn't speak, and it got too much; I told her to leave. Drunk and barely able to walk, I took her to a family member.

The following day she asked to come home and begged not to loose me. And would do anything, get the help she needed.

I, again, ignored the red flag and she came home.

She did good; 5 weeks passed before she drank again. We were driving home and I took her phone off her. She was on a dating site. This wasnt the first time, but of course I blamed the booze and ignored the red flags desperately waving in my face. She got angry and grabbed the wheel. Somehow I kept us on the road.

She awoke the following day, embarrassed of what happened and promised to try harder.

Christmas came and she bought me a love book - a story of our time together noting all our little jokes, our quips and what she loved about me.

I broke down, thinking that love would win, she could beat this for me.

5 days later she told me she didnt want me and walked away.

That was one month ago now. I've not heard from her, other than her telling me she doesn't need help.

Me? I'm dealing with the memories. The blood in the bath. The crying. The emotional trauma I am currently having to deal with. The conversations on how she just wants to sleep forever.

Unfortunately I cannot do more for her. God knows I wish I could.

But I ignored the red flags.

Why am I writing this? In hope via some more influential people such as @instructor144 and @onelittlekingdom it may reach one or two of you and understand this:

Do NOT ignore red flags. It doesn't matter how you feel, never do what I have done.

And just as importantly;

ASKING FOR HELP IS NOT SHOWING YOU ARE WEAK

She refused the help. She said she would, but insisted she was ok. She was not, and is not ok.

Heed my lesson. Do not make the mistakes I have. I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy and I'll be working to get past this and I hope this will help someone make that choice; the right choice.