#ouronelittlekingdom?

[thoughtsofagent]

Red flags and abuse.

Well it's been a while.

We all break from time to time. Me, I broke and I broke bad.

I lost an amazing girl, I pulled away from friends and family, I near lost my job. I felt so lost even though I had support. To this day I don't know what caused or triggered it but I'm still working through it.

For nearly a year I was, for want of a better word, broken.

Then I met a girl. She was amazing and we instantly clicked. We spent our first two dates sat on a bench watching the stars and talking (in fact for my birthday she bought me a star map of that night, framed).

She was submissive, very submissive. In fact she adored abuse. Then she explained why.

She was groomed and abused as a child. She was made to take drugs, which quickly turned to alcohol. She went through 14 years of hell, but she said meeting me was her turning point.

She wanted to beat the drink. And she was suffering. The withdrawals were horrendous, but I did what any good person would do; I sat up with a cold flannel to cool her down and stop the shakes and I'd hold her when she cried.

She said no one had treated her that way and broke down. She adored me.

But the drink kept coming back. And that's when the abuse started.

First it was name calling. This quickly turned to violence, with remorse the next day and no recollection. I hid my bruises. I was lucky; she was near a foot shorter than me and 5 stone lighter, meaning I could keep her at bay when she attacked me. But I still got hurt.

Through heartache I continued, accepting apology after apology, and did my best to help her.

It got so bad that one day I had to restrain her from hitting and biting me after she threw a glass at me. I held her for near 40 minutes until she calmed down; crying, drunk.

She couldn't sleep, her depression was taking over and that very next day I came home to her in the bathtub, razor in hand, blood everywhere.

I quickly wrapped her up and rushed her to hospital. We were released out at 4am.

It got better for a few weeks after. But it always came back. One particular day she was so drunk she couldn't speak, and it got too much; I told her to leave. Drunk and barely able to walk, I took her to a family member.

The following day she asked to come home and begged not to loose me. And would do anything, get the help she needed.

I, again, ignored the red flag and she came home.

She did good; 5 weeks passed before she drank again. We were driving home and I took her phone off her. She was on a dating site. This wasnt the first time, but of course I blamed the booze and ignored the red flags desperately waving in my face. She got angry and grabbed the wheel. Somehow I kept us on the road.

She awoke the following day, embarrassed of what happened and promised to try harder.

Christmas came and she bought me a love book - a story of our time together noting all our little jokes, our quips and what she loved about me.

I broke down, thinking that love would win, she could beat this for me.

5 days later she told me she didnt want me and walked away.

That was one month ago now. I've not heard from her, other than her telling me she doesn't need help.

Me? I'm dealing with the memories. The blood in the bath. The crying. The emotional trauma I am currently having to deal with. The conversations on how she just wants to sleep forever.

Unfortunately I cannot do more for her. God knows I wish I could.

But I ignored the red flags.

Why am I writing this? In hope via some more influential people such as @instructor144 and @onelittlekingdom it may reach one or two of you and understand this:

Do NOT ignore red flags. It doesn't matter how you feel, never do what I have done.

And just as importantly;

ASKING FOR HELP IS NOT SHOWING YOU ARE WEAK

She refused the help. She said she would, but insisted she was ok. She was not, and is not ok.

Heed my lesson. Do not make the mistakes I have. I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy and I'll be working to get past this and I hope this will help someone make that choice; the right choice.