#i'm worsening day by day
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konigceo · 10 months ago
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WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ME WHO COULD WRITE 3K WORDS A DAY WHAT HAPPENED.
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anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...
#not a shitpost#serious post#ask to tag#tw trauma#cptsd#c-ptsd#and if so we should TALK about it#because it means there are a whole group of survivors out there whose mental health regularly worsens during holidays#like i know i am most certainly not the only person who feels an undefined Dread hanging over christmas/my birthday/july 4 etc#bc too many shitty things happened during those times and now my brain is hypervigilant bc traditionally these are the Danger Times#and this seems like it would be particularly common for survivors of abusive/dysfunctional households (aka most people with c-ptsd)#because holidays/vacations typically mean 1) the whole family is together/being forced to interact#2) and undergoing external stressors e.g. travel/relatives aka 'outsiders' visiting/routines & coping mechanisms being interrupted etc#3) there is social pressure for this to be a Fun Family Bonding Experience which only highlights the cracks in the foundation#and exposes the common Everything Is Fine/We Are A Happy Family lie#4) the cognitive dissonance of feeling tired/anxious/stressed/afraid during a time when you are 'supposed' to be Making Good Memories#and then everyone is angry/tired/anxious/triggered and things boil over and something or someone goes Very Wrong#weird that i'm posting this in october when halloween is...sort of the ONLY holiday i have only good and happy feelings towards#i got lucky there#also i have positive feelings towards Labor Day but that's for socialist reasons
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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 8 months ago
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On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation
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While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.
I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.
Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."
So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.
The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.
Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.
Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:
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[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]
It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...
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[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]
...and this...
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[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]
...and this.
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[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]
This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.
(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)
But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.
Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.
But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.
He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness
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[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]
...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.
And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.
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[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]
Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!
...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?
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[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]
Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.
I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.
And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.
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[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]
Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.
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[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]
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skwivr · 3 months ago
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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monster-noises · 1 year ago
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There needs to be more events where wearing pants, a sick jacket, and no top is acceptable attire... The world is really missing out.
He/him
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alkeneater · 1 month ago
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imagine wanting to go to sleep but panic attack said no
:(
it's midnight wtf
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hylianengineer · 2 months ago
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Fighting internalized ableism by finally buying myself chewelry. I've wanted to for ages but the COVID-induced germophobia was an obstacle. However, I'm catching myself chewing on myself lately which isn't any better on that front and is worse on others, so. Chewelry it is.
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lucalicatteart · 1 year ago
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 16: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should offer to help the travelers with their broken wagon.....
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After much internal deliberation (and some zoning out staring at butterflies), The Adventurer decides it would be best to offer his assistance. Technically, he IS still following his goal of not getting distracted, because theoretically it would make his journey much faster if he were able to catch a ride on a carriage. So really, this is all an ultimate big brain genius strategy for maximizing efficient travel.. Or, at least that sounds like a good enough justification to him.
Gathering up all of his social courage, he approaches one of the travelers fiddling with a broken wheel near the far end of the carriage and meekly asks if there's anything he could do to help.
The man was so focused on his task, he seems initially startled to look up and find someone near him. "OH..! Oh, uhh.. help? With the wagon?", he smiles pleasantly, gesturing towards a few wooden boards that are just out of his reach, "Sure, kid. If you could just hand me th-"
"Apologies, but we actually won't be needing your assistance, stranger." A taller man, surprisingly almost matching the stature of the Adventurer, suddenly slinks out from somewhere behind the carriage, sternly placing himself like a barrier in front of the man working on the wheel. Wheel Guy nervously averts his eyes, making himself smaller, silently resuming his work.
The Adventurer tries his best to maintain composure against the weight of the tall man's bitter gaze, but can't seem to muster much of a response "Aeughh,,, uh… b-but, h- Bu--HHHh,,?.."
"Look, disregard whatever my father told you, he's old, never has any clue what he's talking about. It'd be best for you to simply move along." ('Father'? They don't look alike at all, and seem to be nearly the same age..)
"W-well.. he.. he didn't really tell me anything, I me-hhH,,.. I mean, I literally just got here, s-so...."
"Good. Even more reason to be on your way."
Placing a gloved hand firmly on his shoulder, the tall man begins to motion the Adventurer away from the wagon, but a strange noise interrupts, echoing from inside. Perhaps some sort of animal sound? Or a person faintly yelling about something? Or… both?
"WH-wHggg… whAT was t-that???!!" The Adventurer immediately stops in place, pausing to listen as the tall man keeps trying to push him ahead.
"I didn't hear anything, stranger."
"No, t-there.. was dEFinitely, UHH, a-"
"Likely something in the forest."
"Wh--aah... d.. do you think it was an animal?"
The tall man continues a dramatic struggle to 'subtly' drag him further down the road, whilst the Adventurer mindlessly digs in his heels, too distracted to even notice he's being so strongly prompted to leave.
"Many animals do, indeed, exist within forests. This should not be suprising."
"...It's just.. ..eughh… s… so weird…"
"I assure you, it is not."
"I-it really sounded like.. like it came f-from insid-"
"Yes, from inside the forest. Now, please, if you would.."
The noise interrupts again. It's definitely someone, or something, in some sort of distress.. And definitely from inside of the cart.
"wHoAAGH, aa!!! T-tHat's NOT from the f-forest, that-"
The tall man fully just shoves him now, sending the Adventurer toppling across the dirt, clumsily rolling and landing just past the other side of the carriage. A mother and young child who seem to be part of the traveling group simply stare down at him with empty blank gazes, wholly unconcerned about helping him up.
As the Adventurer fumbles back to his feet (still confused as to why he was even pushed in the first place), the tall man looms by the carriage, diligently watching to ensure that he leaves.
"Travel safe, stranger."
Despite his initial obliviousness, the Adventurer begins to piece the situation together as he stares back at the man, now fully convinced something suspicious might be going on...
…What should he do next??
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Additional Information
the adventurer's current main quest: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has
#paventure posting#poll#polls#choose your own adventure#ERM.. ... hee hee... yes.. alas.. it has been like two months since the last one lol#IT'S SUMMER!!!! how can anyone function in the summer..? It's literally 83F in my room indoors right now at this moment at NIGHT#I'm about to go to sleep.. who can sleep in an 80+ degree room comfortably?? ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Really no hope of productivity at all from like June - September basically... EVIL.. and also the spring this year had some heat waves so#AUGhh... my nemesis the Summer.. Or moreso capitalism is my nemesis for worsening climate change and also keeping people in such#economic inequality that cheap apartments with terrible ventilation get made and people cant afford air conditioners and etc. etc.#but ALSO... the summer... grrrr.. 'Heat' you will never be famous.. you will always be lame nasty and so forth..#ANYWAY.. also sorry this is another blurb that's longer. The text is always longer when there's actually spoken interactions lol#I know I'm not very good at this style of writing (especially when rushing with these) so I always feel kind of awkward having really long#sections people will have to slog through or etc ghbjhjh but.. I don't really know how it make it shorter. the interaction#is just the interaction. certain things must be said and conveyed. peace and love on planet orth.#Ough it's been so long I almost forgot to draw his injuries lol.. in-world it's only been what like.. a day? since he got into a fight with#that mysterious cloaked person who was tracking him to steal the egg. I also always just forget how to draw him in between breaks#hopefully his hair and stuff doesn't look too different. They're meant to be really quick sketches anyway but still.. you at least want him#to be recognizable lol#ANYWAY.. another update from the Son.. what is he up to on his little traveles...
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tavyliasin · 1 year ago
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The Haarlep Brainrot Runs Deep
Honestly I am utterly consumed and loving it. The following was tapped out on my phone last night at 4am when I couldn't sleep and was thinking about the prequel fic I've been working on, as I gave Haarlep an original form, the body before they met Raphael and made the deal with him, then I'm immediately taking it away from them with the deal in Ch1 and Ch2. (There's an image of this look in my post with Ch1 of the new series Scent of Cinnamon which is covering Haarlep and Raphael before the game, before Haarlep was even known as Haarlep and how they got that name in the first place - the image I have of them is based on 5e incubus/succubus lore, too, and may not be entirely what people expect) I can hear their voice in my mind - as a creative experience, the kind of thing where you spend a lot of time thinking about a character's story and voice to help write their dialogue and actions more consistently. So this is what they said~
"You... The first to behold me like this, to see me in your mind's eye as I am. As I was. And yet so swiftly you take it away again, ripping my identity from me even as I claw at every last shred of myself slipping from my grasp... "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say in your world, and in our world the beholder is a monster indeed. "Are you a monster, you who can create and destroy in a single sentence? Or are you merely the harbinger of a destiny long foretold, giving us at least a start to a story that had been unspoken... "Perhaps I shall see fit to reward you yet. But do not think yourself a god, for without us, without me, you would have as much power as a newborn, writhing in your helplessness. "Ah, now there's a thought...shall I watch you writhe now in the restless hours without sleep? Or have you earned such dreams as only I can bestow upon your unconscious mind?"
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chalkythetalkie · 4 months ago
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With it being the driest year on record here + all the forest fires + the heat wave, it's absolutely impossible to spend any time outside without suffering with all the smoke and low humidity
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mxdam · 4 months ago
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i hope you're doing ok friend 🥺
you are so sweet! i am doing okay ❤️ unfortunately lots going on that's distracting me, but i'm alright and hope to be creative again soon. going to put some personal info in the tags if anyone's interested, but i have lots of support and fingers crossed i can write again in a little while :)
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icewindandboringhorror · 2 years ago
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a boye whom'st loves to attack paper balls
#cats#nhgnhmmm.. yommy... paper favorite food#(I do not actually let him eat paper)#ALSO I'm still working on doing the poll adventure thing I've just had a lot going on. as usual. It's actually harder than#I initially thought to regularly find time to do a quick ms paint sketch and a small writing blurb#it's like even though it doesn't take extremely long it's still one of those things that is hard to carve out a little portion of the day#to do if your day is set up in a way not conducive to portion carving#BUT .. at least I have posted many drafts#as usual.. my style of like.. post nothing for 3 weeks then randomly post 25 things at once#NO idea why my brain works that way. it just does. it's easier#even though I know it's worse in terms of like. social media#the algorithms in most places prefer consistent steady uploads over time. not jarringly wavering between absence and hyper presence#then absence again. but .. alas...#Good to clear out a few drafts once in a while anyway. And I do really want to get back to scullptures and costumes. I stopped as much for#a while due to the pandemic (can't go to the bins anymore to get new supplies for costumes and stuff) as well as my worsened#health things/lack of energy and also my chest injury (so repetitive movements with my arms such as sitting in the same#position sculpting for 4 hours or changing clothes multiple times in quick succession etc. could flare it up) but obviously#none of those things are going to get better any time soon. so I should probably just try to do it here and there anyway. It's still not#safe to go to the bins. still having muscle problems. still low energy. But I could make it work maybe. I just feel bad having gotten out#of the habit when it is really fun stuff that I enjoy. Some things just get more difficult for me over time#But even like 3 sculptures and 10 costumes a year is better than 0 of any of those things. So. eh#I'm also just trying to clear out pictures still. My spring cleaning (which I do at the start of every new year instead of actual spring)#was kind of delayed this year due to me feeling sick and everything so even late into april I'm still working on the side at like orgnazing#all of the files on my computer. deleting things and backing up whatever I want to keep. clearing out photos.#editing and drafting (and maybe one day posting) old stuff form a while ago. etc. etc.#So any progress is good progress. I suppose.#ANYWAY.... a son... he gets very excited everytime he hears anyone anywhere crinkle up a piece of paper
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desperatepleasures · 6 months ago
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okay..laying down and crying helped a bit 👍
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nest-being · 9 months ago
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fat people will have the craziest most intense eating disorders and some straight sized person will still come along and say shit like, just eat less and exercise uwu, as if so many of us aren't already starving ourselves daily
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karofsky · 1 year ago
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man I'm gonna be honest, trying to stick to this "one day at a time" mindset is really getting old
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mirainawen · 1 year ago
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branded "just being weak about it" by my physical therapist because my labral tear puts so much compensatory stress on the rest of my body that i literally almost walked, quite normally, right into a collapse, followed by two days of out of body dizziness sensation and confusion so severe, with notable speech impairment, i had to google more and more outrageous stuff to try to determine if i needed to go to the ER, because it turns out the stress and strain had pulled my C-1 vertebrea sideways, but yeah no sure i'll keep doing the very exercises that led to this terrifying 5 day episode because obviously i'm just weak and lazy about it
meanwhile i "don't really have any concrete symptoms" of the more serious effects of a vertebrea hemangioma and protruding disc while not being asked about any particular symptoms. cause that helps narrow everything down.
QUITE literally was told, very sympathetically, "i know you want there to be one answer but there just isn't" but uh?? i don't??? ive literally been saying each thing complicates the other from the very beginning? i would like to be treated with a whole body perspective, thank you????
by the way when i was at my strongest it didn't magically make a ventral cord flattening go away, so jot that down. and strengthening everything with it in misalignment is only going to ensure that it will never improve, my god this is 2023 we can't still be acting like we don't know this
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