#i'm venting and ranting but i know that like... other disabled ppl will see this

[scissorcraft]

actually ykw i'm gonna make a longer post about this because i know, from experience, that talking about The Struggles makes other people feel seen and that's like. important to me. bc it feels less lonely and isolating to see others experience the same thing even if it Sucks.

under the cut is talks of disability!

in the past few years, i've gotten to become more and more disabled. i can't work anymore (even a desk job or a wfh job), i struggle with doing my hobbies like how i used to (art and writing), my mental health has fluctuated but ultimately gotten worse due to my disabilities, and it's rough! and frustrating! and so annoying!

it sucks. a lot! especially to feel like you've 'lost' things you loved. i draw as often as i can, but because of my chronic pain, i can only work in small bursts - and even then, i end up getting burnt out. not mentally, but physically. i've drawn off and on daily for a few weeks and i've loved it, but!! guess what! my body doesn't. and it sucks! it used to be i could fixate for hours and hours on an art - and afterwards, i'd have every status effect but it wasn't debilitating like it is! now, i can only fixate for an hour tops before the pain breaks my concentration and leaves me stuck resting for a few hours.

therefore, i'll have... like.

so so so many wips open that are only sketches. so many i WANT to finish, but am stuck on because there's just not enough time for me to work on them.

and it's rough. it hurts, literally. but it also is!!!!!!!!!! INFURIATING.

the greatest thing (/s) about disability is that it takes. it takes and takes and takes. it doesn't give you anything in return. disability takes everything from you. it steals so much. so so so so so much. and when i have no energy to do anything i want to do, i at least have the energy to be angry - and even then sometimes it steals that too! it puts in your head how much you're overblowing everything, how it's not THAT bad, how you don't have the Right to be disabled, ect ect ect. so then you feel bad about yourself, feel bad for feeling bad, feel guilt and - ugh.

i'm sure there's more i can rant about, but!!! speaking of it taking from me - my migraine is coming back, and my ability to think, and word, and form coherent thoughts, is being taken from me. so i'll have to leave my upset here and go nurse my poor little pathetic stupid body into being slightly more functional in the morning!!!

[daz4i]

i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

[sunsetsover]

"I swear half this fandom don't actually like Ben" lmao true! Thing is though he's not likeable all the time and he can be a right old dick. But personally even if I don't like him or his actions at certain times, I feel like the broader picture is still there and I root for him because I get why he's like he is? And I can see and appreciate the softer sides of him even if they're fairly well hidden at times.

I also think some people in the fandom intellectually understand that he's traumatised and a survivor of various abuses, and when that shows in certain ways e.g. like if Callum or Lola is comforting while he's crying. But when it comes to situations like this week with Jags and Whitney, I personally think some people have struggled to understand how his trauma connects to it because it's not as obvious as e.g. Whitney's fiance dies, Gray manipulates her, bish bash bosh hit and run. Even more broadly I think it's easy for the audience to underestimate how Ben's experiences have shaped him because there's a distance created by time, his criminal actions, his (un)likeability factor, not viewing Phil as an abusive parent etc.

I don't wanna say everyone criticising him is like that btw! I'm sure there's a few reasons but I think this plays a part tbh.

i get what you're saying but to me it's like.... why would you even waste so much time invested into someone you don't like most of the time. i genuinely don't get it. ppl tend to ship ballum but hate ben AND hate the majority of the sls lately and it's like.... it's 2021 bro it's not like gay couples are THAT rare anymore there is so much media out there if you're not enjoying what ee are doing then you literally do not have to watch. in fact im BEGGING you for your sake not to. literally just do not engage with media that you aren't enjoying. do not sit in your own negativity writing 20 posts a day abt 'why are they doing this? why don't they do that? if they did this i would enjoy it more' bc you're only making yourself miserable. like this goes for any type of media but literally just stop engaging w it if you're not enjoying it anymore. the think pieces don't help anyone. your opinions aren't universal and they aren't gospel. we all need to stop confusing our opinions w facts. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean other ppl aren't and vice versa. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean that the thing needs to change. eg i hate the fact that callum is a copper and pray every day that something will force him out of it BUT it doesn't really affect my overall enjoyment of him as a character and it doesn't mean that the show has to make him quit just bc i don't like it. you (the royal you not u specifically anon lmao) might hate the fact that ben still does illegal stuff but that doesn't mean the show has to make him stop just bc you don't like it. if it affects how much you enjoy him as a character/ben and callum as a couple then maybe consider stopping watching. festering in the energy of 'i hate this, i hate what they're doing and here's 1200 words why' is unhealthy! i learned this the hard way !

i know this seems like an irrelevant ramble but i think i've realized that this is what my issue is. ppl not understanding trauma is frustrating and damaging and still pisses me off, but i feel like what actually pisses me off more are the ppl who just don't even attempt to be understanding bc underneath it all they're angry/frustrated at the show/sls and that's how it manifests itself. ppl don't like the direction ben and/or callum are going in and so the minute they (and it's usually ben lbr) step out of line they JUMP on that as an excuse to vent their frustrations and often end up saying shit that is ignorant or damaging or mean or just straight up cruel abt things that are so often symptoms of mental illness or trauma. so they're out here posting so many things and making these cruel little comments bc they can't just acknowledge that they don't actually like ballum anymore meanwhile ppl who are actually disabled/mentally ill/traumatised are sitting there reading all of these things and seeing all the people agreeing w them and it's doing real life damage to people.

is it on purpose? probably not. but that doesn't make the damage any less real. i have never forgotten or forgiven the way ppl reacted after ben went deaf. it was vile. as a disabled person who reacted very badly to being disabled just like ben did, it genuinely fucked me in the head seeing what ppl said abt him during that time. now i understand that it was partially ignorance but also a big chunk of it was ppl being unhappy bc they thought they wouldn't be able to enjoy their ship anymore bc ben was disabled (not that he hadn't been disabled before, but now it wasn't ignorable anymore).

idk there's more i could say but i feel like it's pointless. ppl don't care lmao all they care abt is their ship. which, ok fine whatever, but stop letting ur mentally ill/traumatised/disabled followers get caught in the crossfire bc you can't just admit you're not enjoying it anymore and feel the need to tear the thing down and rant about how it's 'bad writing' or 'out of character' etc etc. it's frustrating to read (which is why im never on here anymore) and speaking from experience it hurts YOU in the long run. negativity breeds more negativity.

you don't need to make excuses! just let it go! find something that does make you happy! you deserve that! and we deserve to be able to enjoy something without seeing ppl tearing it (or worse - us) down every 5 minutes !!

(edit - to clarify anon none of this was aimed at you i just sort of started ranting and didn't even really answer ur question im sorry !! i get what ur saying tho lmao 💞💞💞)