#i'm trying to take away lessons this year has given me and use them moving forward

[cerbreus]

what it feels like to come to realizations about yourself that give u a path forward to the person you wanna be.

[doberbutts]

Out of curiosity, how to you get your dog to target just the padded part of the target, and not like, an unprotected leg? Like, obviously training, but what does that look like at the beginning? Thanks!

So from the very beginning, most dogs are taught to bite on the toy completely separately from being attached to any human. With Fenris, this was a strip of sheepskin (we call it the bunny)

Once he learned the game with the "bunny" darting back and forth for him to chase, he was given a more difficult toy which is mostly a strip of burlap or canvas

And then once he was biting hard enough to not let go when tugging on it to try and get it away from the decoy, he was moved to a pillow tug

This is a little harder to bite, and he needs to actually put real pressure on it to keep it when the decoy tries to take it back. It also teaches him to try to center his bite instead of drift off to one side or the other.

The (leg) sleeve is hard to hold in the same way, so at that point it had to go at least partially over the decoy's arm. By now he's so used to biting the offered toy that he has really no thought about going after the unprotected bits, because he's had a solid year of "hey you see this thing? Bite the thing and not me please".

When switching to the full leg sleeve, the decoy will usually present it to the dog initially in the form of a low kick, so the dog can see and understand where and what to bite. These photos skip a step- that's coming in my queue later- which was the leg sleeve on the leg but no suit pants. This photo is a modified leg sleeve over suit pants, so he can still "win" the sleeve.

The decoy working him in suit pants prefers the pants because sometimes in their excitement to bite the leg, the dogs can go a bit high (Fenris had some trouble with that, see here)

And an uninhibited full mouth dog bite to the knee or lower thigh is, um, unpleasant to say the least, so this decoy prefers to wear pants once the dogs are on leg bites. The first day of this seminar, a malinois that is not yet on pants went a bit high and left some heart-stopping slobber marks just left of the man's genitals. He was in shorts at the time, and apparently wasn't wearing a cup, so there's a discussion of risk to the decoy to be had too.

However, young and inexperienced dogs like Fenris and that malinois need the ability to win, or to tear the sleeve off of the decoy's body and parade around with it a little. You have to understand, for these dogs, biting is the most rewarding thing ever of all time for them. So asking the dog to let go and recall away from the bite can sometimes be interpreted by the dog as a punisher, making it so that either A: the dog no longer bites as well because they are expecting to be called off or B: the dog stops recalling because fuck you biting is fun. Neither of these are good options, so in the interim we've modified a leg sleeve to go over the suit pants so these green dogs can still get their win until they have enough experience to not risk those outcomes.

Obviously, as said, dogs can still miss, which is what the full suit is for. This is the picture the dog sees once it's time to compete.

At that point the only unprotected places are the hands and the head, which the dog should NEVER be targeting in the first place. The decoy also moves in a specific way to present various avenues for the dog to bite in the way the decoy wants the dog to bite, but that's a lesson on decoying that I'm really not qualified to give lol. However, that also means that even if the dog doesn't target the offered places, the decoy is still safe because the suit takes the majority of the bite.

Which means the dog can bite the leg, the arm, the chest, the back, the ass, or yes, even the family jewels themselves and the decoy is still protected. It should be noted that these are a mixture of mondio and French ring, PSA, and actual police dogs being pictured here.

This is also a little different from Schutzhund, now called IGP, in which the dog only ever bites the forearm. This is the only option that the dog is ever presented once the dog progresses similarly off the tugs and straps of cloth and "bunny", and so this is the most padded place on the decoy's body (in IGP they're called helpers). Not to say that no dog tries a snap elsewhere to see what might happen, but it's heavily discouraged.

[blowflyfag]

Pro Wrestling Illustrated: November 1996

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS!

Exclusively for the readers of PRO WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED, WWF World champion Shawn Michaels and WCW World champion The Giant offer their slant on the dream match that will never be. Enjoy it. It's as close as we’re going to get to what would be the Match of the Century!

HOW I WOULD BEAT SHAWN MICHAELS

By The Giant

I try to have respect for all my opponents, but I find it hard. Anyone who steps into the ring with me must think he has a chance of winning, as if he’s that stupid, how can I respect him?

If Shawn Micahels thinks he can beat me, well…

Okay, I’ll give him the credit that anyone in this sport deserves. If you’re brave enough to get in that ring–I don’t care who you’re wrestling–face it, you’re putting your life on the line. All those guys who have wrestled me, I tried to have a little sympathy for them, but once that bell rings, I’m gonna do what I'm gonna do. They’re not going to tell Mark McGwire to bunt, are they? Of course not. I’m The Giant, and I go for a home run every time I step up to the plate. 

Shawn Michaels? He’s goof–no better than a lot of guys I’ve faced–but good. He’s got a lot of experience. He’s also got a lot of heart. He’s the kind of guy that just won't give up. He had a goal, and he wouldn’t allow himself to stop short of it. That says something about what’s inside him.

Physically, were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, of course. He’s an average-sized man with good strength and excellent speed; I’m The Giant, the most powerful man in the history of the sport, plus I have agility and speed that no man my size has ever before displayed. I’m to wrestling what Magic Johnson was to basketball. Nobody ever saw a 6’9” point guard until Magic came along. He could do it all offensively, and there wasn’t another point guard in the world who could stop him. That would be Shawn Michaels: bewildered by my moves, my speed, my leaping ability. Heck, if he wants to play me one-on-one in basketball, I'm available for that too!

One thing Michaels has going for him is a devastating finishing maneuver, the superkick. He can be trailing in a match and turn it around in an instant with that move. I'd use a lateral movement to take that weapon away, though considering our height differential, I’m not sure how effective it could be against me, anyway.

Most guys who are as fast as Michaels automatically assume that big men can’t possibly keep up with them, and I’d turn that misconception to my advantage. From the outset,, I’d move slowly and methodically, luring him into thinking I’m a big lumbering and one-dimensional. I know that he’d try to keep out of my reach, but eventually that fans would start screaming for him to do something, and probably against his better judgment, he would move in. Once there, he’d be mine!

Believe me, there is nothing a guy weighing 225 [actually 234] pounds can do to stop my attack. As soon as he made that initial mistake of moving out of his defensive mode, I’d grab him, give him a wrestling lesson, chokeslam him, and that would be it. I’d punish him for even considering taking this match in the first place!

[The Giant thinks that if he remained very patient against Shawn Michaels, he’d eventually force Shawn into a foolish move. Once that happened, he says, he’d destroy Michaels, the same way he has destroyed Sting and many others.]

Look, I don’t want to say anything bad about anybody else in this sport. Like I said earlier, if you’re man enough to step into that ring in the first place, you should be given the respect a man deserves. But I've been in this sport for almost a year now, and I haven’t come across an opponent who can even make be break a sweat yet. Nobody’s gonna tell me that Shawn Michaels would be the first.

HOW I WOULD BEAT THE GIANT 

By Shawn Michaels

First thing, I don’t make a habit of boasting about who I could beat, but I’m also not one to avoid a direct question. If you want to know how I would do against The Giant, I’ll tell you, and I'll hold nothing back. 

Would I wrestle The Giant? I’d take on anyone, if they had the guts and talent to become a WWF wrestler. 

Would I be intimidated by The Giant? I’m not intimidated by anyone or anything! 

Would I beat The Giant? If I didn’t believe that I could beat any man, I would be embarrassed to wear the WWF World championship belt. 

When I look across the ring, I don’t see the size of a man. I don’t care whether he’s 6-feet, 7-feet, or 8-feet. Wrestling is not about size; it’s about preparation. When most people think of preparation, they immediately think of learning how to apply holds and execute maneuvers, about gym work, lifting weights, sparring. That’s all important, but to really be special in this sport–maybe any sport or any aspect of life, for that matter–you have to be prepared to react instantly to situations as they arise.

It’s one thing to be able to apply a leglock or to even know a counter to that leglock. What are you going to do if you’ve been trained to break a hold in a particular way, using a particular muscle, and that muscle has either been exhausted or injured? Do you have a plan B or a plan C? Are you smart enough, collected enough, intuitive enough to develop a new plan right then and there?

Shawn Micahels can. Few others in the history of the sport have. The Giant? His record is spotless. He’s manhandled everybody who's crossed his path. That’s great , isn’t it? Not really. “The Heartbreak Kid” would be able to do things in the ring against The Giant react to adversity? That’s really an unanswered question.

I do know that a wrestler doesn’t want his first taste of adversity against me. Once I've seemed uncertainty in a wrestler, he’s in deep, deep trouble. I’ll capitalize on that and just make it worse and worse for him.

[Negate The Giant’s size advantage and methodically bring him down–that’s what Shawn Michaels would do if he wrestled the WCW World champ. He doesn’t think The Giant has ever stepped into the ring with anyone quite like him.]

I know there are people who will say that a good big man will beat a good little man every time. If both wrestlers are at the same level in every regard, and the only difference was size, I’d agree with that statement. In real life, it never works that way. I would be foolish to underestimate any opponent, especially one with such obvious physical gifts, but The Giant is stepping up to a different class of athlete when he gets in there with Shawn Michaels. Too many of The Giant’s opponent freeze up when they see how big he is, and in that instant he simply grabs them and finishes them with a choke-slam. That wouldn’t happen to me. I’d dart in and out, strike and retreat, and eventually impose my will. His confidence would be down so low. In his mind he would see me as being bigger than he is. Once I see the look in his eye that he has mentally thrown in the towel, I’d hit him in the chin with  a superkick and cover him for the pin.

If The Giant wants to wrestle “The Heartbreak Kid,” my advice to him is to wait about three or four years. A loss of this magnitude at this stage of his career could be devastation.

[pbandjesse]

I felt pretty good today. And that was good! Because I wanted to end camp on a good note. And now camp is over, and the off season begins!

I slept alright last night. I woke up twice a little disoriented and uncomfortable. But I was able to sleep pretty well outside of that. Waking up was really tough. And my body ached really bad.

But I was doing alright. James got me a bagel for breakfast. Which I would have preferred more toasted but it was still good. James gave me lots of hugs and sent me off to work with good vibes for the last day of camp.

And it was a good time. I got there at 8. I ate half of my bagel while driving. And when I got to camp I was glad that no one was parked in my spot. Tony had been yesterday (thought he moved by 9 and apologized haha) but my spot on front of the building was just like me like it should be.

I would set up and spent some time sweeping and continuing cleaning up and getting ready for the season to be over. I would slowly work through things all day. But I felt good about the space. Really what I need to focus on next is going to be going through Native American field trip stuff so that everything is set for the school year. A task I am dreading but will get done. Probably on Thursday.

My groups today were good. They made good art. I was running low on quite a few colors of felt but the kids made due. And we're mostly self sufficient and so I worked on my knitting and enjoyed chatting and helping them cut their felt. I would show them fabric cutting techniques (use the armpit of the scissors, use small movements, take your time) but if they were still struggling I asked that they draw out the shape before asking me to help cut things because I am not a mind reader and didn't want to mess up their ideas. They would find this funny but it saved me a ton of frustration trying to get them to use their words to describe what they wanted.

I would work on some tasks during lunch. I had my cereal. And went to get check lists for cleaning from the office. Checked in with people about gathering materials from all the new programs spaces. I won't have time tomorrow because I'm helping with a field trip/rental for most of the day. But everyone has been on board and that's just really excellent.

My afternoon was just two day camp groups. Who were very sweet. They would help me clean up. And we're mainly good. Thought one child washed s ton of my hot glue just making a melted mountain and I wasn't happy. But after I spoke to him he stopped and understand why I didn't want him to do that. We learn and we grow.

My last group do the day helped me clean really well. I gave out smiley stickers to those who were helping. Which always makes them help more. I always act like it's the biggest deal to get a sticker so they are really sweet trying hard. And then I told them thank you for being a good last group. And then they said goodbye.

I spent most of the next hour cleaning. Throwing stuff out. Packing things away. Was doing good. And eventually I would take a walk to drop off my check lists. Callie ran up behind me and I was really happy to see her. We walked around together to the different specialties and dropped things off and said hello to people. It was nice.

I would keep cleaning for a bit. Signed some tshirts for friends. Took a few minutes to knit and sip water and have a small snack. And then off to the office for a meeting.

We were meeting about tomorrow's rental. 200 ublaw students coming for team building and diversity training. I am only slightly nervous because I haven't done team building in a while. But it's only two blocks of 45 minutes so I'm not to worried. I want to look over the lessons beforehand but I am sure it'll come back to me. More of the worry is that it's supposed to storm really bad in the morning. But hopefully it just passes us by and it's not a big deal.

We are going to be given breakfast and lunch tomorrow which I'm excited about. And we decided on the Kelly green camp shirt. But I didn't know where mine was. So I would have to go search peeps mill. And thankfully that's where it was. And the day was saved.

I would go home soon after that. And got back home at 5. I was happy that James was already home. And getting ready to host their parents.

We set up the backyard and made it cute. James made burgers and stuff. And once we were set up I would lay on the couch until they rang the door bell.

It was really nice to see them. They brought salmon and James grilled that too. We also had water melon which was great. And I was just really enjoying the company. They told us about their trip and work and friends.

James would make burgers (and a veggie chicken sandwich for me which was very very spicy) and we had great conversations and after dinner James made crepes for dessert which were excellent. I love my husband. They do such a good job making food.

Anne got to learn that there's a fig tree behind our fence. So she would go over there with a container and got a dozen beautiful figs. She loves figs so that was super sweet. I am glad she got to get so many!

Me and Tucker chatted for a while. He tried cottage cheese for the first time and really liked it. And I said my dad always eats it with pineapple but I've never tried it. Jess prefers it as a savory thing. It's for sure catching on.

They would head home soon after that. Which was for the best, as my stomach started hurting again. Me and James would lay on the couch, just both very very tired. It was a long day!

Now we are in bed. James is dozing. I am winding down. It was a long day. But I'm happy.

And because things just keep going. Tomorrow I go back to camp for camp clean up and the ublaw rental. I have to be home by 430 but I will do my best to help outside of that. And then I have a few days off. To hopefully just rest and chill.

I hope you all have a great night. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[deke-rivers-1957]

ECU High - Deke's Adventure

Deke Rivers Warner just received his driver's permit during the summer. His foster father, Walter Warner, started teaching him how to drive his old 1996 Chevy Impala. It might not be the newest car, or even a fancy car, but Deke has a fondness for it.

He slowly pulls up to a parking space as Mr. Warner guides him. "You're doing good, Deke. Just keep moving in slowly. A little more. And stop. There you go. You parked right in between the lines".

Deke smiles a little. "Thanks. Dad" he says hesitantly. Even though he's been adopted by the Warners a couple years ago, Deke is still trying to get used to calling them his parents. He just can't comprehend that after spending most of his childhood in an orphanage, just barely not getting adopted for so many years, he finally found a home. He has no memory of his real parents and even though the Warners have been nothing but loving, he just can't help but wonder why he was given up as a baby.

"That was a good lesson about parking in a crowded lot, Deke. I'll teach you how to back out of the parking space after school. You can drive us home so you can get your hour for the week. How does that sound?", Mr. Warner asks.

Deke nods. "Yeah. That sounds good."

Mr. Warner gets in the driver's seat as Deke gets out. "Now don't be nervous about your first day of school. I know that it can be stressful trying to find your classes, but think of it as an adventure."

Deke knows that he's trying to be as supportive of possible and tries to smile. "Thanks. I'll try to do that."

Mr. Warner starts to wave and back out of the parking space. "I'll see ya after school, son."

Deke lifts a hand up in acknowledgement and Mr Warner drives away.

Deke starts walking through the parking lot to get to the front door. Suddenly, a slightly used Maserati pulls in right where Deke was standing.

"Watch it, Louis! Ya almost hit me." Deke yells as Louis' mom is holding on for dear life.

"He's right, Louis. I know you're excited about having this car, but you're still on your permit." Mrs. Jackson nervously explains.

Louis turns red. "Sorry ma. I know ya get all nervous when I'm trying to park with people behind me. I tried to make a quick left so I didn't block traffic."

Mrs. Jackson hands him his backpack and says "I believe you. Just try to be more careful."

She kisses his cheek as he gets out and goes into the driver's seat.

"I know ma. I'll see ya later," Louis says as she drives away.

Deke's looking at someone as Louis walks up to him.

"Hey Louis. Who's that blond guy near the door?" Deke asks looking confused.

Louis looks too and shrugs saying "I don't know, Deke. Looks like Jodie. Sure don't dress like him though."

The blond turns and walks up to them asking, "Do ya fellers know where Ah can find the gym? Ah jus moved here so Ah dunno mah way 'round."

Deke and Louis look at each other before Louis speaks up.

"Are you a sophomore? I got gym for my first period too. I'll show ya round."

The new boy smiles, shaking his hand. "Thank ya. Mah name's Toby Kwimper. Wha's yer name?"

Louis looks at Toby saying "I'm Louis and this is Deke."

Just as Toby's about to leave with Louis, one of the teacher's arrives.

"Toby, come with me. I'm going to take you to the office where we can finalize your schedule."

Toby looks at him confused saying, "But Ah'll be late fer class."

The teacher shakes his head.

"You don't need to worry about that. Someone in the office will be sure to write you a note. If you're late to class, that note will excuse you."

Toby nods slowly. "Yessir." He looks at Deke and Louis before leaving with the teacher. "Nice meetin ya fellers."

As soon as he goes inside, Deke turns to Louis.

"Louis. I think he's one of them special needs types."

Louis nods.

"Yeah. Something about him makes me think the same way. Maybe it's because he had his mouth open and a blank look."

Deke just sighs as the bell rings. "Listen. I gotta get to chemistry. I'll see you later."

Louis lifts his arm up.

"You too, man. Keep an eye out on Tulsa."

Deke rolls his eyes as he walks away going, "Oh god. Don't get me started on that jerk."

Louis just laughs and head over to gym class.

Deke goes inside and walks over to his new locker in the sophomore wing. He notices a boy pining over a girl. "Who's it this time, Rusty?"

Rusty looks at Deke with a lovestruck look.

"This is different dude. She's the girl of my dreams. And she's a senior who just got her braces off. No one else noticed but me so I think I have a good chance with her."

Deke just pats his shoulder. "Good luck with that."

Deke puts his afternoon books in his locker and closes it.

"Oh hi, Deke. Isn't it a lovely day?"

Deke turns to see who's talking to him.

"What do you want from me, Walter?"

His nice act drops and looks Deke right in the eye saying, "Better play ball, Deke. I could get you shining my shoes in a heartbeat. Could sure use the money for that old beater of yours."

He goes back to the nice act when he sees a teacher walking by. "I mean, I do know your loving foster parents have been struggling financially. If you like, I can help you out easily."

Deke waits for the teacher to walk out of earshot.

"I ain't a shoeshiner for anyone. My family and I make do without your help. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chemistry." He adds a sarcastic line. "Is that alright with you? Sir?"

Walter looks shocked but just walks away.

Deke groans and rolls his eyes as he goes down the hall to chemistry.

"Walter or Tulsa?"

Deke looks up and says, "Hey Johnny. Just Walter today. Though if we're lucky we can avoid Tulsa."

"Now why would you do that, guys?"

Johnny curses as Deke sees Tulsa behind him.

"Ain't it a little early to be wearing the sash, Tulsa?"

Tulsa smiles. "It's a privilege to wear a hall monitor's sash. The teachers and staff respect me. Lost freshmen rely on me so they won't be late for their first class. Isn't that a reward in of itself?"

Deke and Johnny just walk away.

"Johnny it ain't even 1st period and I'm already getting sick of everyone." Deke says annoyed.

Johnny pats his shoulder. "Yeah it's strange how everyone's got something up their crawl today. Least the new kid in our year's gonna be interesting."

Deke stops. "Ya met, Toby?"

Johnny nods saying "Yeah, he just came outta the office with his schedule. He asked me where his math class was then went off on a tangent bout having trouble with multiplication."

Deke sighs.

"Louis and I saw him earlier. Seems nice but real light upstairs. We said he looked like one of those handicapped kids that just gotta learn the basics to survive. Kinda sad, but nothing either of us can do about it."

Deke and Johnny continue to talk until they split off to their classes. As soon as Deke sits down in his chemistry class he looks around to see that he's in that class with Walter and Tulsa. He thinks to himself, "I have a feeling. That this adventure isn't gonna be good at all."

AN: Thank you for supporting this series. If you want to be added to the tag list, please leave a like, reblog or comment.

Tag list: @vintagepresley, @jaqueline19997, @presley72elvis, @vintagegirl50s60s70s80s, @j-v-9-2, @lawdymissclawdy68, @almightybigbrain, @arrolyn1114, @tupelomiss, @thetaoofzoe, @mydarlingelvis, @phil2135561 @just-another-boring-bisexual, @leopardandstuds, @ellie-24, @heart-of-ep, @thatbanditqueen, @gayforelvis, @be-my-ally, @xanatenshi,@alienelvisobsession, @mercsandmonsters, @ashtag6887, @whitepontiac, @richardslady121, @aliengoth3, @ash-omalley, and @eptodaytommorwforever,. 

[heard-nsfw-is-back]

Im still sick as hell so here's some comfort Ghost x Soap. Some are cute and funny some are horny and gross. Have fun

Johnny was good at being sick. He went to the doctor and made sure to drink water and get plenty of rest. He even changed the bedding after to make sure he didn't sleep in germs. Simon was A BITCH^tm I'm talking full on grabby hands, refuses to go to the doctor, genuinely cries for soup. "I'm dying Johnny, finish me off." "Simon just go back to sleep. You're not dying." Hates when Johnny bring medicine from the pharmacy because he will force the medicine down his throat. "Take the medicine baby boy, you'll feel better I promise." Simon breaks down crying "No it's nasty." "You're a war criminal why is cherry flavored liquid what does you in?"

Simon takes cooking lessons when he can and loves to feed Johnny. Loves to spoil him with a full meal and the best paired drink he can get his hands on.

Being on the run is hard for them both. They fight more often than not these days. Ghost with his tendency to keep going till he drops and ZERO ability to use a word to describe his emotions ever, Johnny with his need to talk it out as it's happening and not letting anything go until it's broken down to Itty bitty pieces. Hours after they fight and walk off, they're already missing each other like air and will make a beeline and collapse in to each other.

They pass a gun shop that also sells sex toys and if that isn't exactly what does it for them, nothing will. Simon finds out he's a size queen and Johnny loves exploring their kinks. It's fantastic. Simon loves being called daddy and Johnny doesn't hate it but Simon loves being called 'baby boy' even more and "fuck me just like that baby. Yes fuck you're so good, so big. My pretty baby boy." Simon has to count by three just to Keep It Together.

They both hate cleaning and will absolutely have professionals come in once a week. They justify it by claiming it's better than leaving the dishes and laundry all over the place. It's absolutely because they have fucked up doing laundry before and Simon will not vacuum. Ever.

Johnny got his period a day early and ruined his 5th favorite pair of underwear. Simon had to rock him back and forth. This man was Inconsolable. Simon offered to buy him a new pair. Johnny was offended. "How actually dare you. They were perfectly worn in. The 7 year old jeans of underwear." "You have jeans that are seven years old?" Johnny just fell back dramatically and sighed.

Simon had a lock box that he tried to keep away from Johnny. Which meant the day after they moved in together he found it. At first he shrugged it off, if anyone understood the need for privacy it was him. But curiosity and insecurities crept up and he asked about it. "Please don't ask about this. It's the one thing I'm actually ashamed of." A few days later Johnny asked about it again. "Fine. You need to know so bad? Open it. If you can open it, you can have it. But you'll see me as a different man." Johnny cupped Simon's cheek. "No I won't." He broke the masterlock and saw magazine cut outs and comic strips and dad joke books. "Don't look at me like that MacTavish." Johnny covered his mouth trying to hold back his laugh but failed and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. Simon looking up to the sky for any god's help.

Getting on T was hard for a military man but joining the 141, he was given the best medical care the government could give. One person from his old station made fun of the stubble that was growing on Johnny's chin. Ghost knocked his jaw clean off.

I have stumbled on trans Johnny MacTavish and I have to say fuck yes dude. I also have no idea how transitioning in the military works. Even less the British military.

[samieree]

Born in Flames || Game of Thrones

OC x ?😏

-> Chapter IV "Flames"

Chapter V ''I'll take what is mine''

"What are you going to do about it now, Maegelle?" Selaria asked Visenya.

The girl was moved to another chamber until the effects of the fire will be removed in her previous one. She was just sitting on the bed, on which the dragon was moving clumsily. She was staring at him - or her? She had no idea - smiling. She felt as if she had been given new hope.

"This "thing" has a name." she replied, stretching out her hand to the dragon, and it immediately climbed on it, cuddling to her. "Maelia." she added after a moment's thought. "Similar to your mother's name." Vis nodded, still paying attention to the dragon. True, she decided to name him, or her - Guess she'll just assume it's her - after her mother, but she had no intention of lamenting her fate and the fact that she never got to know her parents for the rest of her life.

In recent years she was very... Depressed. She preferred to submit rather than try to fight what happened to her.

Everyone can be broken.

Fact. But she herself contributed to being broken.

She still remembered that day. She had just had a lesson with Septa, she was an eleven-year-old girl at the time, but she wasn't stupid. She still caused a little trouble, and the septa shouted at her more than once for it.

She told her to name the Great Houses of Westeros, and still called her that insufferable name "Maegelle"...

As usual, she decided to spite her. As soon as the septa pointed to King's Landing, she beautifully recited: "House Targaryen. Sigil: A red, three-headed dragon on a black background. Words: Fire and Blood."

She didn't even have to look at the septa to see that she was very angry. What word did she love to use? Oh yes, irreformable.

A short but unpleasant dialogue quickly broke out between them.

"Wrong. House Baratheon of King's Landing. Tell the rest." the girl remained silent, her eyes focused on the table with the map. "I'm talking to you, Maegelle!"

"But you shouldn't! My name is not Maegelle, but Visenya! Visenya of House Targaryen, princess of the Seven Kingdoms and...!" she didn't finish because the woman hit her in the face with a thin stick that she had previously used to show her places on the map. "How dare you...!" she was hit the second time.

"Everything wrong. You are Maegelle. Courtesy of Lord Tywin, you are alive and living in Casterly Rock. And thanks to this same kindness, you will get married someday."

"What kind of kindness is that? You murdered my mother, father and siblings! You make me dye my hair and call me some strange name that I don't even like! It's a prison, not kindness!" Septa hit her again, only this time not with a stick, but with an open hand in the face.

Visenya already knew that the idea to get rid of the septa, which had been in her head for some time, had a chance of succeeding.

She took a knife from the kitchen from the pocket she had sewn into her dress. Slowly and carefully, so that the woman wouldn't notice, she ran the blade across her hand and part of her forearm, under the sleeve of her dress.

"Repeat, Maegelle..." this time it was Vis who had had enough. She didn't even let the septa finish that sentence, she just spat at her.

And then the tide changed. The septa hit her so hard that the girl fell off the bench and onto the ground. At that moment, she decided it was time to try and implement her plan to get rid of the annoying teacher.

"Help, she wants to kill me! King Robert sent her to get rid of me!" she started screaming and crying, moving away from the septa, still on the ground.

"You little..." the woman only then realized how wrong she was doing by hitting her. "What have you got there?" she saw a knife in the girl's hand, which she quickly snatched away. She wanted to leave quickly and report Visenya's behavior, maybe even to Lord Tywin himself, who ordered her to study, but she didn't have time.

Vis knew full well that someone would hear her screams. She even suspected who.

She noticed that Ser Jaime was currently in the keep. He was supposed to leave back to King's Landing in a few days, but he was still here.

He had already defended her from Robert himself once, when, unaware of the king's visit to Casterly Rock, she wanted to go down to the courtyard. It's true that he simply covered her and took her out of there, but still - he defended her.

Now she was counting on the same thing and she didn't miscalculate.

Additionally, on her side, her cheek was red from the blows of the Septa, and blood from a fresh wound was still flowing down her hand. A self-inflicted wound from the knife the septa was currently holding.

So when Jaime burst into the chamber, alerted by Visenya's screams, the situation was clear to him. Septa was holding a knife, standing over a defenseless girl, crying, with blood all over her hand.

It was obvious how he would react. He didn't even let the septa explain herself, he just drew his sword and killed her.

He had to admit, he had always had a soft spot for that poor girl. She reminded him a bit of his brother, in how lonely she was. She didn't really have anyone to support her, so... Guess he wanted to become that kind of person, a support for her. To be the same person he was to his brother, except... Well, it worked a little differently. They weren't family.

Visenya was then convinced that she could get away with everything. That she has already managed to manipulate the situation to her advantage once, so she will be able to do it in the future, also successfully.

But...

Well, Tywin Lannister didn't have the same approach to the situation as his eldest son. He guessed that it was Visenya who provoked this situation. Deep down, he admired that such a young girl was able to turn everything to her advantage so well, even hurting herself on purpose to achieve it.

Of course he never said it out loud.

Instead, he treated Vis very harshly, punishing her severely. Over time, she pushed most of these memories from her mind, but still not all of them. Whenever she thought about that period of her life, she shuddered. From that moment on, she was afraid to disobey, afraid of what Tywin Lannister might do.

Besides, Jaime himself was also upset that he was stupid enough to be manipulated by a child. But coming back... she won't recall those terrible memories anymore when they still chill her blood.

"We can't stay here, not now." she turned to Selaria again, this time looking in her direction.

"What choice do we have? Nobody will let us leave." here she had to admit Selaria was right, but she had no intention of giving up.

If life already gave her hope, in the form of this little being in her arms, she had to take it. She couldn't give up, she needed to reach deep inside herself again and find the Visenya who was not afraid to act, who was not easily broken. Who remembered who she was, thanks to Selaria's stories about her family.

"Maybe we can escape, with a little help..." an idea began to form in her head.

"Ser Barristan?"

"I'm afraid he took advantage of all the turmoil during the attack on the capital and then left... But maybe we could write to him and ask him to arrange a ship for us?" she asked. They won't forbid them to do that, send a letter, will they?

"Even so, how will we get to it? We can't leave the castle on our own, there's always at least one guard with us." true, it could have been a small problem... Although... Maybe not.

"Don't worry, I already have an idea." and she'll need Ser Jaime for this... If he really has any feelings for her, this could be the moment to use them. No matter how cruel it is to play with someone's feelings.

They were much crueler towards her and her family. Is wanting to escape and live on her own terms such a crime? Is it so much that she wants this little dragon in her arms to be safe? Selaria, looking at the silver-haired woman, regretted very much that her old friend and the woman she had previously served couldn't see how her daughter had grown up. Maybe she inherited her appearance entirely from the Targaryens, but she saw in her the unbreakable spirit of the Martells. Maybe over the years she seemed to have lost all fighting spirit, maybe she had been obedient for most of her life... But they didn't break her, not completely.

She remembered the times when Visenya was not yet born, she remembered the time spent with Elia... She may have been her servant, but she was also her close friend. She was always with her, holding her hand during difficult labors. She perfectly remembered the Maester's words after the birth of Aegon - Vis's younger, long-dead brother - that Elia would most likely never have children again due to her health condition.

But less than a year after that announcement, Elia was pregnant again.

This was the third and last birth she helped with with her presence. Visenya's birth.

She even remembered why the girl was named "Visenya". As she was born during the siege of the capital, this name after the warrior queen, sister-wife of Aegon the Conqueror, not only had a good connotation, but also gave a certain... Hope.

Although the girl seemed weak from birth and was sick a lot during her childhood, Selaria saw her take her first steps and learn to speak.

Every day, as she looked at this little girl - now a woman - she thanked the gods for listening to her prayers and thanked her brother for using the magic he had sworn to turn away from and saved her from death.

What she didn't know was that this magic also had an influence on the girl to this day. Something had changed in her, she was different.

She lived like in slavery, without power and without family, but she lived. Everything could still be rebuilt.

She taught her everything they didn't want to tell her. She talked about her family, about who she really was, and secretly brought books that the little girl had asked for so that she could learn High Valyrian - she had wanted it ever since she heard that this language was learned in her family.

"You are very much like your parents, Visenya." she said to her in a whisper, sitting down next to her and grabbing her hand. "Not just in appearance. Even now, when you're living the best you can... They would definitely be proud of you." in that short moment of silence, when Vis felt moved by these words of her maid, her friend, another thought came to her mind.

"Maybe... Dorne could help us somehow? After all, I am Oberyn and Doran's niece."

"You think they never tried? I had heard about it, rumors were spreading quickly around Casterly Rock." she sighed quietly, shifting her gaze to the dragon in Visenya's arms. "Lord Tywin always found some reason to keep you."

"But if I manage to escape from here, and maybe one day even try to claim the throne... They would support me, right?" Selaria looked straight into Visenya's purple eyes, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

"Certainly." ~

-> Chapter VI "Letter" -> general masterlist -> Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon masterlist

[themagikmirror]

Sharing A Piece of My Cancer Profection Year (so far) . . .

I read Sidereal Birth Charts. I learned how to do this in 2020 through studying, observing and application. Sidereal Astrology has simply become a language for me to decode and translate many things into plain and simple words. I don't have to do the most complex calculations to see divine messages. It's just a God-sent talent, that I've developed of course, but it's somewhat natural at this point. So every year we go through profections in our birth chart. Profections are the divisions or degrees of which your entire birth chart is divided into ; aka the houses. This means whatever the sign of that house/division of your birth chart is in for the given calendar year (or really year of age) : themes/lessons/blessings and karmic events will occur all related to this sign. Think of the house and zodiac sign as being the "main character" that year. This year I am experiencing a Cancer Profection and I wanted to share some thoughts that aren't just provoked by what I'm experiencing, but my full acceptance of living as a divine mirror.

I usually try to refrain from oversharing because people like to lurk my pages and either mock me or use things against me in shady ways lmaooo buuuttt It's really baffling how we can all get lost in someone else's light-- being seen the same way as someone else sees/projects themselves to be. To the point where we can definitely lose a sense of self through too much mirroring (consciously or not). It's nice to see yourself reflected in others at times (even when they could be unaware or resistant to their influence by you). It's also nice to be the mirror that others need too (when it's positive), but it's also nice to just know yourself internally without HAVING to see it mirrored back. I find it so nice when people can just be themselves without having to see it reflected in you. I've always appreciated that, but even more now.

It's exhausting when someone is constantly mimicking or mirroring your every move due to codependency, self doubts & insecurities. I've met so many people as a young adult that are easily influenced, programmed & insecure that they will abandon their best parts to be like someone else. I want to scream this to people :

I don't need to engage with 10 versions of me, I need to engage with YOU!!!! JUST YOU!!! Not an alternative me...

So many people get LOST in being interpretations and improvisations of someone else. I know this is a way to find your true self, but damn.

I've always had intentions, even if it seemed I was borrowing/copying mimicking or mirroring someone, to do things my way... cuz like I'm way too creative to just not be myself! It's just so weird when I see other people being their interpretation of me instead of them! And I think maybe it's because, at times, people forget what makes them unique in the presence of another's light. It's like that little flash thing they put in people's face on Men in Black. Someone's else light should not make you forget/abandon who you are. Of course we can learn and be inspired, but don't forget yourself. I have to also acknowledge that some people never really knew they had a "self" to begin with because they've spent years doubting their truth and taking on things that they're not. I am glad that I never forgot what makes me so unique. I'm glad I've managed to keep those things alive in me my entire life and no one else's opinions, projections or influence could completely bring me away from me. One day I wanna go in depth, talk about Rabbit Holes... but like.. that's what can happen when you spend too much time reflecting other people's light. You can actually lose sight of yourself & get caught in their rabbit hole. before you know it, you're not even yourself anymore. The trick of being a divine mirror is that I know my own influence, my own reflection like the back of my hand. No one has to point out my reflection and my influence to me. I am almost always aware of it. Although reflectiveness is a blessing the hardest part about being a living & divine mirror is those who chose to engage with me will either never/hardly see the true me until they are able to more fully see themselves. Which makes me invisible. Self Awareness starts by getting acquainted with your own reflection. You have to know who/how you are and how you look from as many angles as possible. Then you can show up in fullness, not fragments.

Then you are not seeking out a mirror in everyone you meet.

And then.... you can actually see people for THEMSELVES and not a way to search for more of YOU.

You then can also become a true mirror to others because you have a stronger sense of self.

People in my life have often times functioned as road openers for me, creating new ideas & pathways I didn't fully consider prior, but I never gave anyone that much credit & authority over me. I never completely lost myself in anyone/anything because I always knew the difference. Between (me) , what was God-given and a birthright if you will versus a result of communal & relational influences.

This is one of the works I'd love to dive deeper into with the Magik Mirror. I want to help people with the process of remembering & seeing themselves (more) fully. In turn, maybe I too can be seen and appreciated for who I actually am and not the reflections that are bounced off of me 🪞💖✨

🪞Deep dive into your reflection, your memory, your self by watching my 2024 content on Facebook & booking a Full Moon Reading there as well!

[letscrywolff]

The more I think back, the more I realize the relationship you were afraid of never existed.

You catastrophized a working relationship into failure.

You said you left because you felt pushed - but the moment you said that, I immediately disproved it by reminding you that you told me this is what you wanted, you had a heads up I was serious - and back then you emphatically insisted you were too - and that you voluntarily walked alongside me towards the very thing you claim to have been pushed toward.

You probably *felt* restricted, and *felt* boxed in. E, all I ever wanted was a commitment that you'd still show up. I have long known your struggles with indecision and how crippling it truly is - we've talked about it explicitly even. I always wanted to ADD to your life, not take away from it. I wasn't looking to take away your autonomy. I genuinely don't know why you actually left. I just can't help but *feel* that you left because you imagined all the worst case scenarios, despite no evidence that would be the case existing in all reality.

I mean, your reasons never hold up against reality. Basing everything on your feelings will always lead to disaster in the end because they always change. The only relationship that works is the one you make work. You should be choosing a partner based on more than just ever-changing feelings. Because it obviously felt right until it didn't. Those feelings have come and gone how many times now? With more than just me too. At some point, you have to acknowledge that and realize relying on your feelings hasn't worked out. Because there SHOULD be more to choosing a partner than just how they make you feel at any given moment. You should consider who the person you're with is, not just the moment by moment feelings. Which can easily be influenced by things like YOUR feelings of being pressured.

That pressure didn't fundamentally change me or how you feel about me. That pressure didn't take all the good things about me and us and make them bad. That pressure wasn't bad either - it was just scary. I did not appreciate or realize just how visceral the fear you had about taking the next step was. I am sorry I did not understand - in all fairness, you did not make it all that apparent. I thought you came back into this knowing that you wanted to be with me, based on our extensive conversations about it. About moving in together, about living a life together, and all the history we have - and talking about all those things over the years. Every time we were together it seemed you were happy, and always looking forward to more. You'd always stay longer than you expected... I know there is a huge difference between theory and practice, but I really thought you were ready to at least try this time. Try meaning, not just give up and run away - but speak up about what's bothering you and speak honestly and clearly because you want to make this work. That you want our love to last.

When you agreed to bring your dog over... I thought you did that in good faith. A few days before you did, I sent you a message, giving you the opportunity to change plans and to depressurize things. As the days got closer to your move in, I felt like you would bail and I wanted to prevent it any way possible. I wanted you to know I was willing to work with you. That we weren't locked into anything. I tried opening the dialogue. I really appreciate that you brought her and tried - I'm glad things worked out. You'd even gotten me anxious about it. But once our dogs met it was actually really harmonious. It was all worse in imagination than in reality and that has long been a running theme. And I know those fears exist for a reason. They're based on your past experience. But does this not show that basing your past experiences in one situation doesn't mean that it will be the same in a new one? I feel like I proved this in so many ways, so many times over the years but the lesson never seemed to stick. You were resolute in your fears, and they truly have clouded your view of us. It's why you're gone as far as I'm concerned.

You wished it would be easier... but it was easy. What part of any of that ended up being difficult? I literally cannot remember any "hard" part.

"I feel like I can picture it already lol"

This is a microcosm for the biggest issue in our relationship: Your imagination. You were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always hypervigilant in finding fault or how things would fail in advance. Always finding a reason to be scared of the future.

Be afraid. Do it anyways.

What's the worst that happens? We fail? Isn't it better to try, and find out, than to never risk success at all by not even trying? At that point, we would have at least LEARNED something. In this case, we learned that the dogs were fine together - but the bigger lesson was that the months of anxiety that created this "picture" for you were entirely all in your head and just another layer of fear that interfered with your ability to enjoy and embrace the growth of our relationship, because it acted as a source of potential stress that gave you pause anytime you approached the idea.

Simply put: If you expect bad things, your brain will look for confirmation of those bad things, and filter out all the good.

I even poked fun at your constant catastrophizing when you said you feel like you could picture it already. That really did and always has worried me, because you always took on a negative starting point, and that always put me on the defensive to have to overcome it instead of a neutral starting point and then adjusting based on what happens. Basically every big thing we had to tackle, like how our dogs would integrate, the entire focus could never just be on the problem, but also on managing your anxieties to reassure you that everything will be just fine. And it was. This was a regular occurrence with anything bordering on a “big” decision. Which yes is totally normal and fine, I also have concerns… but I have far more confidence that things will work out than anxieties that they won’t. There wasn’t a single thing regarding us that I had any anxiety over… other than how your anxiety might get the better of you and abruptly end everything between us. That’s something I have no control over, and can only influence through sheer confidence and blind enthusiasm. I truly believed in us so I always hoped that what we had would win out and be strong enough to overcome your worries. I feel like if we were purely rational, it would. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Your anxiety maneuvered it’s way into the pilot seat and flew us off course. The negative, catastrophizing thoughts won out.

So when you say you felt pushed, it's similar to me. It is a baseless negative view rooted in your anxieties, rather than the actual reality of what played out. I get that we can't help how we feel, but we can question the validity of those feelings.

I never meant to push you, I worked with you all along the way to ensure this is what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted us to succeed. I knew it would take both of us to achieve that. I never wanted to force anything between us, and honestly, it never did feel forced to me. I thought it was the same for you. My only goal was for us to finally break out of the cycle we've long been stuck in and finally get a chance to show you that we would have a beautiful life together. I never wanted to break the cycle the way you did - by losing one another. So you talk about being pushed, or forced... our failure feels forced to me. It feels unnatural to me. Being with you felt easy and you truly had me convinced it was for you too. Accepting that everything you said and showed me was a complete 180 from the truth has been disillusioning.

You don't even recognize that the feeling of being "pushed" is actually just the way your heightened fears manifest. You will FIND any excuse possible to latch onto and justify leaving a good thing because you're literally terrified of getting attached again and risking going through the hell of true, devastating heartbreak.

You are more afraid of falling in love and losing it than you are of falling in love and it working out.

Because every time it starts to happen "you remember and it hurts again"

But those memories were never ours.

What we lived out in our relationship never hurt you.

What's the worst you experienced while with me? What's the problem we couldn't fix?

You never exhausted all options before leaving. You never exhausted even one.

And the connection between us was clear as day and so was your happiness. Take a look at our pictures from the gardens. That was how you always looked while we were together. That was your default state. So why leave so abruptly and unexplained? Without a fight?

The only logical conclusion is you are afraid of what happens if you let this love happen. Because the last time you let it happen, you suffered for it, and suffered greatly at that.

No, it's quite clear that the problems you only voice once the relationship is over, and not while we're in it, never truly existed. Because when you look over the experience within the relationship, there was lots of laughter and no fights, there was lots of passion, and no withholding, there was lots of care, and no neglect, there was lots of support, and no belittling, there was lots of thoughtful gestures, and never forgetting, there were memories of the little things, and appreciation for the big things to come. There was hand-holding, not back turning. There were plans, and there were actions. There were agreements more than disagreements. There was openness instead of being closed off. I showed you commitment, stood by consistently through more than just the good, but the bad time and the tough ones too. I followed through on what I'd say. There was connection and it was easy. There was depth we both pursued in one another. There was love, never abuse.

So where does the fear come from?

It doesn't come from me.

It comes from within you.

The difference between how you feel vs how I made you feel is the difference between the relationship you were afraid of vs the relationship you actually experienced.

[havootu]

Lessons of the Week: Understanding and Feeling Emotions (Acceptance)

Words Considered (Given)

Peace vs Bordom 

"Is peace boring? Or is a mind without peace bored?"

ANSWER 

"Boredom is when a mind is deprived of stimulation. Peace is when a mind doesn't need stimulation." - Qura comment

Peace: - freedom from disturbance; tranquility.

a state of harmony between people or groups; freedom from strife. law and order within a state; absence of violence or other disturbance

Bored:- feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.

feeling tired and unhappy because something is not interesting or because you have nothing to do

• Radical self acceptance

Mother reveled the reason I often have issues with showing up as my full self, being afraid of what people might think is due to not fully accepting ALL of who I am . Understanding that the parts of who I am being a "good" or "bad" thing is only in my perspective. 

Goes back to not shrinking or being "humble" anymore. 

• Remembering my confidence

Naturally I'm a confident person, that in the past has come with the stigma of being "stuck up", or "intimidating" but it's not my job to appease anyone or make them feel comfortable. I am meant to be me and that's all. My natural energy is love and that comes through for those who get it. For others who are of low esteem, I'm not for them and it's none of my business. I was never made to shrink but stand out.

• Taking One Moment at a time

The mother says she is here to be of service to my deepest desires, she wants to see me flourish and serve my highest good.

My job is to make a decision on what I want and point. My job is not the who when where or how, expectancy.

Me expecting my truth and taking one moment at a time, small steps to that new truth, she is the magic that turns it real in my reality. She is here to serve me and I honor her by stepping into my purpose.

• Understanding that what I say to be true is true.

If I say things are hard then they are hard in my reality until I decide they are not. Asking the Mother to help me release and this old paradigm of everything is hard. It is a reality that I have created that I no longer want a part of. Release.

• On a more spiritual level 

I have been living on my own limited human power for years, trying to figure out why I'm so drained. I understand it is because I have not allowed the power of the mother into my life, so she can do the heavy lifting and I can live. Human power is limited because all of our spiritual energy cannot reside in this human vessel, all of that energy would kill us. Most of it is left out, so we can live more freely in this existence and our higher self guides our steps, source, the universal magic brings it into fruition.

• Understanding My Emotional Eating

Taking notice of my body....

I notice that when I feel stuck and don't know what to do and feel frustrated, I feel the urge to eat. This insatiable need to stuff down my feelings of uncertainty.

- I've been taking the time to try to analyze these feelings, and understand my role in what happens next.

- the mother has helped me to understand boundaries in a situation. No I cannot control what my next order price will be, but I can remember that, I live in bounty and excess and always get what I need.

- to trust myself and where I'm going, even and especially in the moments where I feel like I'm getting it wrong. Even in the moments where I feel like I'm shying away from something. It's a reason why I've decided to retreat or not move forward with an idea. It is because there's something in me that needs to be addressed before I take the next steps. 

- analyzing my thoughts going step by step to remember what's my role and what's her role in this situation.

Biggest Lesson Learned This Week

I often have felt weird that most things people get fulfillment from, I don't. I thought it was due to the depression and that is somewhat true but only a part of the answer. 

I realize that no things, no money, no place that I could go, or opportunity that I could have, no success, no praise, no person, no relationship or friendships, nothing in this world or outside of me will ever feel that empty hole. I realize that even my hobbies was an attempt to try and feel that empty hole, which is the reason I don't do them as much anymore. I realize they are not the fix.

The mother applauded me during this conversation saying you finally get it. There is nothing outside of you that could fill the emptiness that you've been feeling. There's nothing out there anyways everything is you.

All these years you have been looking for a greater and deeper relationship with you. You get it now so here's the gift. A gift of remembrance, full acceptance, and full self love. As you remember these things and during a time where your mind is busy and uncertain, go into your heart and feel that fullness of self. 

Relish in the silence, smile within yourself knowing that that's all you need was you. Let yourself be full remembering that all you have ever wanted and needed was you. That's the reason no one else or nothing else could get close or stay for long because you've been searching for you all these years.

*THANOS SNAP* 🤭

Final Thoughts

(I remember driving, and thinking to myself yes it feels great to help people but it's not fulfilling to me, It's just a fleeting thing. Everything every moment is a fleeting thing but the only thing that is still constant and always will be is me. I am the only constant in every situation. And if I'm okay with me even in the moments that I'm upset with me but I could still sit in my presence and love on me, That's the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced. I am the constant in this universe. I am the only thing in this universe, and everything else are reflections. As I feel empty the world feels empty, as I feel full the world feels full. The only thing that has ever mattered, that I've ever wanted was me, because I knew deep down that only me could satisfy me. Only me could fill me. Because I'm the only thing here!

That's an amazing feeling. And because I'm human it's something that I will have to remember in the moments where things feel empty, and why they feel empty, because they are all fleeting moments I am the only thing that is forever! )

Things To Work On

• Accepting blessings

• Allowing things to be, not controlling every moment. There is no solidity in the moment there is only me.

• Not being afraid of the unknown or my future. I can handle it.

• Procrastination due to uncertainty. Create moments of solidity in plans. (One verse, in the book per day. One task to complete per day

• Address the freeze moment, talk myself through each emotion and allow myself to feel them

• Allow myself to grieve the past self. She is worth my tears because she is special to me and did her best. Let myself cry or feel sad.

• Self-compassion and trusting myself in every moment, especially uncertain ones.

[girlonline22]

Hello everyone

Over the past year I've been looking into my past and it's not the pretty picture I had in my head. Why would it be life's not pretty. I've learnt a lot of truth about the past and the people in it. I strongly believe that people can change. If you given someone many chances to change and they keep showing you the same person they was before then that's there loss. Not yours, so don't beat yourself up about it and blame yourself. Sit and think 'I'm not the issue here' We don't need toxic people in our lives. I kept asking myself "why?" But no answers. Eventually I had to let it go or I'd be driven into this mind of battles and it would destroy me.

Sometimes the truth hurts. That's understandable. Behind closed doors no one knows what goes off. One thing I have learnt is you cannot let the past define who someone is today. Everyone has a story and sometimes there not what you want to hear. That's okay all that matters is who they are now. You cannot keep the past from what's happening in the present. You can either let the past go or let it eat you away. Life isn't easy we know that one. But it's what you do with what you know. Do you sit and let it ruin your present relationships or do you accept it and move forward in life? You can dwell on the past but it's not going to help you in the future. When you see what's been written about a loved one it takes time to process it. But think this. Do you really want to dwell on the past of who people were? Or would you rather focus on who people are today.

You cannot change the past and not everyone is perfect. I'm not perfect. And that's okay to admit. Don't ruin your relationships based on the past.

The past in unchangeable focus on what's going on right now, who you have now. It's okay wanting to know about your past and what happend but there's a time when you leave that information behind in order to move on in life. Start creating your own story. Parents have lived in the past. They experienced the good and the bad. Sometimes you might think there giving you a lecture but honestly they have your best interests at heart.They will tell you things and try guide you in the right direction because the reason behind this is they are telling you what they wished they knew at your age. They don't want you to make the same mistakes they did so listen and see what advice they are offering you. It might just take you by surprise. They just want you to have a better life. An easier life.

Someone once told me 'do as I say not as I do' and I live by that every day. The people that are closest to us are the ones that matter the most. It doesn't matter what's coming right at you it matter who you have behind you. They are your strongest supporters and want you to succeed in life. They will carry you through the dark and praise you in the light. But they will always be proud of you for fighting the tough battles and making it through each day. They are the important people in life. It always works both ways. You get what you give. I've learnt some though lessons in life. And I always will. You just got to think to yourself. 'I got this' and you will walk through life knowing that whatever comes your way. Your strong enough to get through it.

Just remeber the most important people will always have your back no matter what. They are worth holding on to. Don't let them go. There trying to help. You cannot fight battles alone.....

[danthropologie]

5sos wrote easy for you to say about Daniels mclaren era and I’ll not be convinced otherwise

funny you should say that cause i've been thinking about this and they actually wrote the ENTIRE album about him!! (source: my heart) let's break it down:

(under a cut cause it's EXTREMELY long)

complete mess - "you make me complete / you make me a complete mess" the love/hate relationship with his career. when it's good, you're on top of the world and it can make you feel whole, but when it's bad, like it's been has this year, it can be absolutely gutting and can even make it difficult not to think about everything you're giving up in order to live this lifestyle ("call it a lesson when I feel you slide away / and i'm missing out on half my life") easy for you to say - "i feel it in moments, a semblance of free / between all the gasping, i finally breathe / so I hold on so tightly in times that i see / someone with striking resemblance to me" like you said, very mclaren era. sort of losing yourself, looking back and thinking how it used to be so much easier, not really understanding how or why you got here. maybe also with some element of going through all this while also dealing with every pundit and armchair expert with a twitter account having an opinion on what he coulda, shoulda, woulda done, as if they know anything about what it's ACTUALLY like to be him ("easy for you to say / harder for me to take") bad omens - "heaven knows i should let go / it's nothing that i don't already know" "i'm still making sense of having nothing left to save" obviously this is daniel's relationship with mclaren and the way that time and time again this season, he's put in the work, he's given them everything he has, he's reaffirmed his commitment to them, but none of that matters if the other side isn't working in good faith too. and maybe he ignored some of the signs, but sometimes that's easier than 'giving up' and admitting the reality of the situation to yourself, especially when you want it to work SO badly me myself & i - "guess, i guess i got what i wanted / i never knew what i needed, leave it / up to me to fuck it up without a good reason / i know, i know that it was my own fault...all these broke hearts, but mine's the one bleeding" again, daniel and his career, but this time kind of looking back from where he is now at mclaren and admitting quietly to himself that maybe some of the choices he's made in the past (especially re:career moves) were stupid or selfish or not the best move, actually take my hand - "pick apart all of the pieces / well, i'm running out of time...you fall apart and redefine / what keeps you up at night" this one is generally a bit more nebulous for me, but in general, it's kind of that idea like...nothing will make you reevaluate your life and take stock of what matters like hitting rock bottom. who comes alongside you to support you? who will hold your hand through the valleys? who will be there in the good AND the bad? carousel - "i built it from the ground up just to watch me burn it down / i gotta keep the party going, ain't no fading out...I tried to keep my head above the ocean of my doubt / i'm feeling like a dreamer, don't you try to wake me now / my life's just a carousel spinning around / i'd pay again just to keep from stopping it now" obviously speaking to his career at the current moment where everything is in flux and he's just trying to figure out what's the best next move, what's the move that will keep him on the f1 rollercoaster and allow him to reach his long older - this is one of the few songs on the album i'd say ISN'T overtly about daniel*, but the mental, emotional, and spiritual damage i take after hearing them repeatedly sing "i don't wanna get older," especially after the previous song, is enough to make me think about daniel anyways :/ (and definitely do NOT under any circumstances think about it through the lens of daniel's career personified and him not wanting to leave her...) blender - "all the things you said in my head...nothing left, what a mess / oh my god, it never ends / now we're stressed and depressed / and we're going 'round again / in an еmotional blender" another mclaren era one, particularly this year. it seems like every race week for him this year has been just going around and around and around in circles of emotional turmoil from trying so hard to make it work and it just not happening—combined with people saying one thing to his face while doing another behind his back—and then having to KEEP doing that shit even after he's been effectively fired. it's a losing game, but he keeps trying so fucking hard to make it work anyways ("i'd die for you, i'd die for you, i'd die for you / i tried for you, i tried for you, i tried") caramel - "it used to be easy...a visceral feeling / that i can never leave behind" similar to easier for you, this feels like another one where he's looking back at his career and how much easier it used to be, but this time his career is personified as this person that can't even look him in the eye because of how far they've fallen from where they used to be. and similar to me myself & i, there's maybe also some element of being confronted with the choices that he himself made that got him to this place ("oh, you bring up the past, didn't ask, give me the know-how / (i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry)") best friends - "memories i hold to keep safe / and i lovе to love you, for god's sake / i got the best friends in this place / and i'm holding on" the blakes, the michaels, the scottys, the coreys, etc.....all the people that have his back and make him feel loved and supported even while he's going through hell bleach - "it's so hard to watch everything i want / (everything i was spinning down the drain)" there are probably a couple different ways to interpret this one, but for me, i like to think of it as daniel coming to terms with and letting go of his hopes to make it work with mclaren. there are probably still regrets, still things he wishes he could have done better, but ultimately he has to just let it go and keep letting it go until he can finally move on red line - this is one that feels like it's more on the shipping end of the spectrum, but i think there is some sort of interpretation here that's more self-reflective and focused on his relationship with himself in the wake of such a massive change like this whole mclaren ordeal, especially when it comes to these lines: "lonely hours cut me so deep / the only part that gives me hell / a secret weapon no one showed me / fall out of love, you lose yourself" "am I just waiting for my time to go?" emotions - "don't mind me, i'm just feeling kinda broken, kinda broken / if you need me, i'll be here with my emotions, my emotions" "i'm doing my best and i guess that's the best i can do / (where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong?)" mclaren era daniel, especially in the second half of the season, what more is there to say bloodhound - "i'm picking up the vibes all around / i'm dumb enough to drown it out...i'm living in the violet sounds / i'll kick it with the friends i've found / oh, i can't let it go" "we keep on dancing when the room is on fire" again, mclaren era daniel, making the best out of a shit situation. still laughing, still smiling, still showing up to the paddock every week in good spirits, almost to the point of it being a 'fuck you' to his circumstances tears! - "push my luck when I need it / sad, but what can i do? / burn the world to start over / blacking out in my room / wake me up when it's over" emotional turmoil! angst! everything is shit and sometimes you just want to numb the pain!

*there definitely is a maxiel (or [insert ship here], i guess) reading of the song, but that's not what this post is about so.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #40

previously...

Yuri

Hello, everyone! Yuri here (and Sango, because we all need more cuteness in our day).

It's been a while, hasn't it? Victor and I have actually been back in Mt. Komorebi for well over a month, which is quite frankly difficult to wrap my head around, now that I'm putting it into words. The truth is, neither of us has had much of a chance to record anything until now. There’s been too much going on.

Victor has already been in his first snowboarding competition of the season, in which he came second overall. He and Seiji will be travelling to Nagano this coming weekend for another competition. Unfortunately, I can't go with them because my father is going to be away too, and somebody has to watch my little sister and make sure she gets to her violin lesson and snowboarding lesson. Plus, on Saturday afternoon, Sango and I will be starting at dog school, where I'm sure I'll learn how to train myself as well as her.

I feel like we haven't had a break in the activity from the moment our flight landed, and I'm sure with Winterfest just around the corner, things aren't going to settle down much. I thought I'd better take the opportunity to give a proper update while I can. It's going to be a big one, so as Victor’s cousin Leo would say, you might want to buckle up.

I probably shouldn’t have been too astonished, but we returned to Mt. Komorebi to find even more chaos than when we left. I'll try to condense it down as much as I can, but there's a lot.

The very first thing I discovered was that Mama left for America a few days ahead of when she’d originally planned. I’d hoped I would get to see her one final time before she went, and I would have if she’d kept the schedule she’d told me about, but as it happened, Victor and I got back two days too late. Needless to say, I was very upset about it. At the time, I didn’t understand why she’d left early. I know now, thanks to my sister Yuki, but I’ll come around to that.

Yuki has been one of my main sources of news lately, or perhaps gossip would be a better word. She came to stay with us the first weekend we were back at home, and it was from her that I heard what was currently going on with Ren and our other sister, Hana. I had to get detailed information from other people, of course, but Yuki made sure Victor and I weren't caught off guard when the police and the kensatsu-kan — the public prosecutor — contacted us.

While we were away, Ren was officially charged with assault. He's already had a date in district court where, bafflingly, he pled not guilty. How he could possibly think he'll be acquitted is beyond my comprehension, given that there's a video which clearly shows everything that took place.

Because Ren entered a plea of not guilty, there's going to be a trial, and Victor will have to testify. He’s already terrified about it, and so am I. The trial won't be until the new year, but we’re not sure of the date yet. I just hope it's before we return to Canada for Victor's mom's wedding.

Yuki seemed slightly disappointed when she informed me that only Ren has to go to court. Hana wasn't charged with anything, although Yuki, our ten year old self-proclaimed legal expert, thought she should have been. From my point of view, Hana has enough problems without having to worry about criminal charges. Jail might be a better choice, though, considering the circumstances.

The other bit of news Yuki couldn't wait to share with me is that Hana is pregnant. Allegedly, Ren is the father, which likely shouldn't shock anyone.

Yuki said Papa hit the roof when he found out, and he gave Hana the choice either to stop seeing Ren or to leave. According to Yuki, Papa's ultimatum didn't go over well with our mother, and they had an argument about it, but he didn't retract it. Hana chose to move out, and both she and Ren are living with his parents. He used to have his own apartment and I wondered what'd happened to that, but I didn’t think Yuki would have any idea, so I didn’t bother to inquire.

Hana was supposed to have been going to America with our mother, but that's obviously not happening now.

As much of a sensational revelation as Hana's pregnancy was, my baby sister was not done dropping gossip bombshells. While I was still trying to absorb the news that I was going to be an uncle by next summer, she ventured, "And guess what else, Yuri?"

"I can't guess," I said. "You'd better tell me."

"Hana isn't the only one having a baby. Misaki is having one, too."

"What?" I blurted, not quite certain I'd heard correctly. Misaki Kojima is our parents' live-in housekeeper. I've had my suspicions for a while that our father has been having an affair with her, but this? This was not something I would've ever guessed in a million years. "Are you sure?"

"I'm totally sure," Yuki said. "Everybody in the whole neighbourhood probably knows, because Mama and Papa had a huge, loud argument about it. Then, Mama said she was changing her flight and leaving early because she couldn't stand to be under the same roof with him. She said she was going to Kyoto, to stay at Jushiro's house, and she'd get a flight from there. Then, she took all her stuff and got in her car and left."

"That's..." I began, but found that I had to stop and think about how to respond. "I never saw that coming."

"No one did," said Yuki.

"What's Misaki going to do?"

"I don't know. The next day, Papa told her she was fired, and she moved out the day after that. Now it's just me and Papa at the house," Yuki said, and then amended, "Well, just him right now, because I'm here with you and Victor."

"I think you should stay with me and Victor for a while," I said.

"How long? The whole time until Mama comes back?"

"No, but for more than just the weekend."

What she said next surprised me. "I really want to stay with you for more than the weekend, but I think I should go home. Papa shouldn't be alone. He's really sad, and I'm worried something could happen to him if I leave him for too long." She looked up at me, her expression earnest and serious. "I promised I'd look after him."

"Looking after Papa isn't your responsibility, Yuki," I said. "He's the parent. He's supposed to be looking after you."

"We can look after each other."

"His problems are too big for you to take care of," I told her. "He shouldn't expect that from you. It's not right."

"He doesn't expect it," Yuki said. "He told me the only thing he needs me to do is love him, and I do, even if nobody else in the whole world loves him any more."

"I love him," I said.

She gazed at me for several seconds, and then asked, "Do you really?"

"Did you think I didn't?"

"No," she said. "But I think Papa thinks that."

"Things between Papa and me are complicated. We may not get along, but that doesn't mean I don't love him," I said. "I don't like thinking about him being sad, but at the same time, it's really hard to have sympathy for someone who brings a lot of his problems on himself."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's not very nice to people."

"That's true, but sometimes I think he can't help it. I think he wants to be nice to people, but when he gets into one of his moods, he can't stop himself from being angry. What I really think is, he might be sick."

"Sick?" I echoed. "Like, with a mental illness?"

Yuki nodded. "Yeah, but I don't know for sure."

I mulled that over for a moment. Even though I've personally been living with anxiety for a long time, I can't say I know much about mental illness. If our father is ill, that might explain a lot, but it still doesn't excuse him from his poor choices and bad behaviour. As far as I know, most people living with a mental health condition are capable of being polite and gracious toward others.

"Maybe he is sick," I said. "But even so, that shouldn't stop him from doing the right things. He's not very good at keeping his promises or thinking about how his actions might hurt someone. That's not a great strategy for convincing people to like you and feel sorry for you when something bad happens."

"So, you don't feel sorry that he's lonely and sad?"

"I do, but I might feel more sorry for him if he was innocent. Besides, he might not be so lonely and sad if he hadn't cheated on Mama and gotten another woman pregnant," I said. Or if he'd show Victor some respect and if he'd stop treating me like I'm a disappointment and an inconvenience, I wanted to add, but didn't.

"But... he didn't do that," Yuki protested.

"How do you know?"

"Because he said so."

"Sometimes adults say things that aren't true, just to try and avoid more trouble," I said.

Yuki shook her head, adamantly reiterating her point. "He really didn't do it, Yuri. He was crying really hard after Mama left, and I overheard him saying it wasn't true, even though there was nobody else in the room with him. And the next day, he told Misaki that she had to tell Mama the truth because he doesn't want to lose the love of his life because of her."

"Okay," I said. I wasn’t comfortable continuing this line of conversation, and I hated that my baby sister ever had to witness anything this dramatic and awful, much less that she seemed to feel like she should take some sort of responsibility for fixing it. "Maybe he didn't do it, but regardless of whether he did or not, it’s not something you should be worrying about.”

“But, what if Mama doesn’t believe him? What if she never comes back?”

“She’ll come back,” I assured her.

“How do you know?”

“Because she cates about us,” I said. “Even if she decides not to come back for Papa, she’ll come back for us. She loves you more than anyone. She'd never abandon you."

That bit of reassurance was enough to satisfy her for the time being, and we were able to move on to other topics, but I knew she wouldn't be content with it for long. Yuki is an incredibly perceptive child, and she's intelligent and a thinker. Eventually, she'd want to have a deeper conversation about the situation with our parents, and I realized I'd need to be prepared.

I could envision a long discussion with Victor in the immediate future and, not for the first time, I was beyond grateful for him. I couldn't have gotten through most of the stressful and difficult things that have happened in my life over the past five years if it hadn't been for Victor. Honestly, I have no idea how I was coping before he came along and rescued me.

While I'm on the subject of Victor, his birthday was on the second of December. He's twenty-six now, and we're no longer in that magical part of the year where we're the same age. The next one in our friend group to turn twenty-six will be Takahiro, whose birthday is in January. Ellie will be twenty-six in April. Seiji and I won't mark that milestone until next autumn; September for me and October for him.

We had a little get-together for Victor's birthday. It wasn't elaborate, as parties go, but I baked a cake and everyone brought food to share, and we all had a good time. Victor's snowboarding friends Sakura and Takeshi came, and so did his boss, Tomiko. Seiji, Taka and Yuki rounded out our guest list.

I gave him wireless earbuds and a new snowboarding helmet. Maybe those aren't the most exciting presents, but he said they were exactly what he wanted. I wrote him a birthday note too, but I didn't give that to him at his party. That was a private gift.

I got him something else, but I'm saving it for Winterfest. All of you will find out what it is when he does. For now, it's a secret.

In other, completely unrelated news, Takahiro has a boyfriend. Lest you should get the impression that my family is the only one with drama, let me tell you how that happened.

Victor and I had only been back in Mt. Komorebi for slightly less than a week when we heard about the new man in Taka's life, and we heard in the most annoying way possible, I might add.

It was ridiculously early on a Monday morning, and we were still half asleep, or at least I was. Victor was wide awake. He's a natural morning person, and he'd probably been ready to start his day before I ever opened my eyes.

He was warm, and he was cuddling me in a way that made me think we were going to spend several hours in bed after we were both fully awake. I imagined us taking our time, since Monday is one of Victor's usual days off and neither of us had to be anywhere. One of his hands was under my shirt, not doing anything other than providing light, comforting pressure against my belly, but elsewhere he was busier. His lips brushed against the back of my neck, and he whispered. "I'm thinking about having something sweet for breakfast."

"Breakfast in bed?"

"Mm-hmm... Want to know what's on the menu?"

"Strawberry mochi," I said.

Victor laughed. "If that's what you think, then I guess I'll have to start calling you strawberry mochi."

"I wouldn't complain."

He slid his hand off my stomach and around to my side. I could feel his thumb under the waistband of my pyjama pants, and I wiggled a little bit, anticipating what he’d do next. I’ll confess, I wanted his hands all over me. I wanted him to kiss and touch me until I reached the outer limit of my tolerance, and then I wanted to work my own magic on him until he cried out my name like he did in our room at the hotel In Kyoto.

"Well," Victor said. "I think somebody's excited."

I had to admit that I was. I willingly let him slip my shirt off, and then lay there happily while he trailed his fingertips gently over my neck and chest and along the length of my arms. He paused to kiss my shoulder, right on top of my birthmark, and called it my 'beauty spot' like he always does.

I used to hate my birthmark. I always thought of it as nothing more than a disgusting dark patch that marred my otherwise flawless pale skin, and I often wished I didn't have it. Back in the beginning of our physical relationship, I never wanted Victor to touch it. but he kept insisting it was unique and beautiful, and would trace all around the edges of it with his fingers when we were in the bath or cuddling in bed. Eventually, I came to the decision that if he didn't think it made me ugly, than I shouldn't think of it that way either. I'm sure it must've required a lot of patience on his part to wait for me to see it the way he does, but I think the wait was worth it for both of us.

Anyway, we were right in the middle of thoroughly enjoying ourselves when Victor's phone rang. We looked at each other for half a second, and the unspoken question was, should we answer that?

Early morning calls aren't usually for good news or casual chats, and the silent consensus was that we couldn't ignore it. Sighing, Victor rolled over and grabbed his phone off the bedside table. I snuggled against his back so I wouldn't get cold, and also so I could eavesdrop.

Victor greeted the caller with a somewhat grumpy sounding, "Hello?"

It was Takahiro, and he was talking so fast that I doubted Victor was able to understand him. Victor's Japanese is excellent, but communicating in your second language over the phone is always more of a challenge, especially when the person you're talking to isn't speaking clearly or slowly enough.

It didn't take long for my suspicions about Victor's comprehension to be confirmed. I heard, "Hang on, Taka. I don't understand a word you're saying. Let me put you on speaker so Yuri can help."

The quick version of the story is that Taka wanted us to get up and come with him and Seiji to Kiyomatsu Point, to look for a lost fox, of all things. Taka explained that he'd rescued an injured man on the mountain the previous afternoon, and that the fox was his pet. Victor hadn't taken the idea of a pet fox very well, but nevertheless agreed to help look for it. I said I'd join them too, even though I would much rather have stayed with my deliciously warm husband in our cozy bed than go halfway up the freezing cold slope of Yukimatsu at the crack of dawn on some wild goose chase. Or fox hunt. Or whatever.

Once we were up on the mountain, that's when Taka unfolded the rest of the story for us. The man he'd rescued is named Fox Abbottsford, and he's a Canadian. like Victor. I wanted to laugh at the strange irony of a man named Fox having a pet fox, but I somehow managed to control myself.

The way Taka told it, he and Fox shared an instant attraction to each other. He was convinced it was love at first sight. Victor, Seiji and I were dubious, but in light of how things have developed over the past month, I may have to concede that we were wrong.

We found the fox that morning, by the way. Her name is Ruby. She's adorable.

I tried to persuade Victor that we should take her home with us and babysit her until Fox got out of the hospital, but he said no. Victor hardly ever says no to me. This time, however, he put his foot down. I have to say, I was more than a little disappointed at first, but his reasons made sense once he explained them. He didn't think it'd be safe for Sango and Rosie if we brought Ruby into the house.

Ruby is staying with Taka and Seiji. Taka has a dog as well, but Hyorinmaru is enormous and strong. He can protect himself if things start getting wild. My little Sango can barely defend herself against Rosie, our two-kilogram chihuahua, most of the time and always runs to me for protection. I would be absolutely distraught if anything happened to Sango, so in the end I wasn't as upset by Victor's decision as I might otherwise have been.

As for Fox, he's been staying with Taka's parents, which seems like the ideal situation for both him and Taka. Taka visits with him every day, and sometimes spends the night. They haven't been able to get out much, due to Fox's leg injury, but it sounds as if they've been coming up with plenty of ways to entertain themselves in any case. Taka talks about him nonstop, and he's a lot happier lately than I've seen him in a while.

Victor and I finally got to meet Fox tonight. Taka's parents invited us to a dinner party, along with Seiji, and Fox's friend Jin. Fox wasn't feeling up to having many visitors for the first little while, which I can understand, but now that he's ready to socialize again, I guess he and his host family came up with a plan that didn't require him to leave the house. I can only imagine the difficulty of navigating in winter with crutches. I think I'd want to invite people over to see me instead of trying to go out, too.

Big dinners at the Suzuki family's home are usually catered, but Fox somehow got Auntie Keiko and Uncle Kin into the idea of preparing all the food themselves. Uncle Kin is a fabulous cook, and as you know, for me to have that opinion of someone is extremely high praise.

After tasting this evening's desserts, I was ready to bestow that compliment on Fox, too. I usually don't eat desserts, but Victor said I should at least try the strawberry cake. He offered me a bite of his, and that was enough for me to decide that I wanted a whole slice. It was a small slice, but I ate it all by myself, and I regret nothing.

From what I observed at dinner, not only is Fox an amazing baker, he's a polite, funny and intelligent guy, and he's very friendly, even if a little socially awkward. Also, it may just be my bias toward western men, but I think he's exceptionally pretty. Not as gorgeous as my Victor, but still.

Oh... and just so there's no confusion, I should mention that neither Taka nor Fox have actually referred to one another as boyfriends in front of any of us. I'm just reading into what I saw. I mean, the way he was looking at Taka this evening certainly seems to suggest that their feelings for each other are mutual. It's obviously more than just friendship, and I'm positive that it'll only be a matter of time before they actually do start calling each other boyfriends or partners, or something along those lines.

I really hope everything works out for Taka and Fox. Taka has had a lot of bad luck with relationships in the past and he deserves to have one go right for a change. Victor said he hopes they'll find their happily-ever-after, just like we have, and I agree. There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you have someone by your side who'll be there no matter what; someone who understands you and who you can truly say you're happy with, even when nothing else makes sense and the world around you is spinning out of control.

[pascalina]

The brothers' movie

11/07/2015

They don't use the same last name, but they are siblings. Pedro Pascal (40) the Chilean actor who starred in Game of Thrones and now has a starring role in the Netflix series Narcos, uses his mother's surname because it is easier to pronounce in English. 17 years younger, Lucas Balmaceda Pascal (23), also an actor, debuted in Los 80 and today stars in the TVN series Juana Brava. Here, both talk for the first time about their relationship, their love for cinema and their mutual admiration.

José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal was born in Chile, but a few months later he had to go into exile with his parents and his older sister, Javiera, to Denmark. It was the end of 1975. Thanks to the Rockefeller scholarship granted for his father, the doctor José Balmaceda Riera, a year later they moved to the United States: first they lived in San Antonio, Texas. Life there was just beginning and it was not easy.

Seventeen years later, in 1992, Lucas Balmaceda was born in Orange County, California, into the comfort of a family that was financially in its prime. His dad was at the peak of his career: as a fertility specialist and director of one of the University of California's reproductive health centers. But suddenly they moved back to Chile when Lucas was three years old and his brother Nicolas was eight. The two older ones stayed there. Pedro was already studying drama at Orange County High School of the Arts. Then he went to New York to study theater at the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University.

After a couple of small appearances in TV series, in 2014 he took the big leap in his career: he played Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones, which made him world famous. Today, he has a starring role in the series Narcos. He is also filming a movie with Matt Damon and Willem Dafoe.

Fame came early for Lucas. After leaving Saint George High School in 2010, he studied theater at the Universidad Católica, and he began to shine: in year fourth, he starred in the theater play "La noche obstinada", by choreographer Pablo Rotemberg, and got a role in the successful television series Los 80 and today, in his last year, he is the co-star of Juana Brava, the new TVN nighttime series.

Scene one:

Lucas appears in Pedro's life

P: "I was 17 when Lucas was born. He was a baby when I left to go to university. I remember my first visit back and Lucas, who was not even two years old, was already the owner of the house. I remember those looks, wanting to tell me: 'I don't know who you are, but this is my house, mate.

To this day I have never seen that personality in another child. It was fascinating to see that wit in someone so small. Since he was a kid he had that fierce intelligence... The four siblings, Javiera, the eldest and the queen of the family; Nicolas, the doctor; Lucas and I are like a compact and consistent unit. I can't imagine life without them".

L: "Pedro was studying at the university in New York when I was born. When he went home for vacations to see the family, as I didn't know him, I thought: 'who is this guest, who is this weirdo who kisses my mother? She's mine!'. Back in Chile, every year Pedro came to visit us. It was the most entertaining thing in the world for me. He was much older and he would come with all the coolness, with all the culture of cinema, with horror movies that were not available here. Then we would watch them and play them out, we would do sketches. We would play that Pedro was a murderous monster and we would escape from him. We were each a character. He was very funny, he did voices, he impersonated people. He gets mad when I tell him, but I've always found that he has a Jim Carrey thing about him, he manages to make some impressive faces. When he came on, I couldn't stop watching him, he was too entertaining. We are all big movie buffs thanks to my dad. When I was three years old, he took my brothers and me to see Batman. I remember crying hysterically. I was very young, sensitive, and being in the cinema was like entering to another reality: loud noises, giant screen. I didn't understand anything.

Scene two

Transplanted

P: "What's Chilean about me and what's gringo about me is a very interesting question, because I don't think even at 40 years old I've been able to figure it out. I was raised and educated in the United States and socialized a lot with American pop culture, but Chilean pride has always been unwavering. My parents were exiled for eight years. So our visits to Chile were regular. My whole life I have lived in the United States and my whole life I have visited my relatives in Chile. However, since my siblings were raised in Chile, my connection to the country is much stronger today and it is something I am grateful for. Something that happens to me a lot is that when I say I've been in the U.S. my whole life, they say, "Well, you're a gringo then! And after a conversation in my fluent Spanish with a clear Chilean accent that same person turns around and says: I've been listening to you, you're Chilean!

L: "I am Chilean because I lived and grew up here since I was three years old, but at the same time I have a cultural disconnection: my parents lived 25 years in the United States, my brothers are gringos. My visual culture is super gringo, the TV shows I watched when I was a kid or the movies I watch to this day I understand them from that place: as an American. More than being born in the United States, I feel it's because of my family's background".

SCENE THREE:

The performance

P: "There were good years and bad years (when I started my acting career in the United States). Many years I was a waiter to supplement my income. But from a very young age I was auditioning for professional jobs. In my late twenties my career in the theater was relatively consistent. Then, when opportunities in television arose, I was consolidating and it became much easier to pay my expenses. I think that struggle, going through those situations, empowers you a lot and it's one of the things I'm enormously grateful for. And Game of Thrones was an incredible gift. It's the best role I've ever played and they're the best people I've ever worked with."

L: "It's Pedro's fault that I wanted to be an actor. But when I told him I wanted to study theater it was hard for him, more than anything, because he cares about me and studying theater is hard. You have to be very wise and have a super high self-esteem to take care of yourself. Pedro went through many things. If there is an actor who doesn't have contacts in the United States, it's him. Everything he has achieved is because of his work. That's why when people ask me why I don't go to the U.S., it's a resounding no. Being Pedro Pascal's little brother is not going to get me around the corner; I would have to be Tom Cruise's twin to achieve anything. Even so, Pedro had many failed career starts. In 2011, for example, he was offered a starring role in a series called Wonder Woman and it was eventually canceled. That's why, when Games of Thrones came up, I was like, wow! We were all freaking out, because Games of Thrones is like a worldwide trending topic. All the episodes he was in, we were all watching them together at my house, eating pizza or sushi."

SCENE FOUR:

Mutual lessons

P: "I try not to get too involved in anything Lucas does or how he does it. He has single-handedly created each of his experiences and is one of the most inspiring things I've ever seen. He loves his work and is continually developing his skills for television and theater, and eventually film. He executes like a real artist and, to be honest, it is more common for me to learn something from him than for him to learn something from me. I mean that very sincerely. Lucas reminds me to work hard and keeps me inspired. When I saw him in Los 80 I was incredibly proud, but not surprised. I was seeing something I had always known. The only advice I've given him is to not be such a workaholic, to take care of himself and to be proud of what he's accomplished and what he still has yet to accomplish. Deep down, I'm always going to be the protective big brother."

L: "Pedro is an object of admiration for me. What he says is law for me. Sometimes I ask him: 'Pedro, did you see that movie?' and he says: 'Yes, I didn't like it'. I tell him: 'Oh, I didn't like it either'. The nice thing about our relationship is that it happens so sporadically, once or twice a year, that the moments when we see each other are very intense. We either fight a lot or we love each other too much, but it's always like a story, like a movie. While he's there and I'm here, we talk a lot on WhatsApp and Facebook".

P: "With Lucas we always keep each other up to date on what movies to watch, what TV shows are good. I bug him all the time asking him about what's going on in his life and I'm always asking him about his perspective on things. Despite being away from each other for a long time, Lucas and I are very close and always have been. I see Lucas at the beginning of an amazing career, with an unwavering curiosity and passion. I love it when he confides in me about things he is enjoying or situations he is dealing with."

L: "I've never seen Pedro in theater, but I've been told he's tremendous. On camera, I find that he has a very intense look. He also has, and in that we are very similar, a very strong visual culture, the fact that we have always liked horror movies. He plays characters that hide something, dark characters. A great strength is that he is very sensual, he knows how to handle himself well from seduction".

P: "Lucas is brave, he's fearless. There's nothing he's not willing to try, he's never going to give up on a challenge, he's never going to leave something halfway, no matter what that means to him. Lucas is unstoppable.

Link interview

[jishyucks]

Eight Count ‣ lmh

‣ genre: fluff, enemies-to-lovers, hogwarts!au, I think it's a slow burn

‣ wc: 10.8k

‣ summary: "There's honestly no way Minho would like me. And me of all people would know that." ; in which fate decides to be an ass and make you and Minho dance partners

‣ an: I'm sosososo sorry @ whoever requested this bc of how long it took. I didn't mean for it to be so long but it kept going and uni is to blame bc all of the work :(( but anyways enjoy !!

i.

You feel the beat of your heart quicken as you maneuver through the maze of corridors that you had begun to approach. Time was ticking. The first classes of the day had already started about half an hour ago, and here you were, racing down the stone hallways, tardy and a bit dazed.

It had only been a mere five minutes since you had woken up in the dormitories in pure panic, the realization that everyone had left and you were still cuddled up against one of the pillows in your bed driving you to act quick. You could accuse your housemates of not even bothering to check if you were alive, but you soon decided to place the blame on your body's restlessness and inability to go to sleep when you wished. You wouldn't call it insomnia, but your sleeping patterns weren't normal either.

Approaching the dance room with a quiet sigh of relief, you tug at the wooden door and peek in, hoping that you weren't barging in at such a humiliating time.

Scattered around the rather room, students were paired in twos. Each couple's bodies had been facing each other, hands sitting awkwardly in the other's while their faces were turned towards the dance instructors, Professor Shin and Professor Na. By the look on Professor Shin's face, it was evident that she was about to continue speaking, but the door swinging open had caught her attention.

"Ahh Y/N, nice of you to finally join us," she clasped her hands in genuine excitement, passion towards dance obviously bubbling up inside of her.

You grinned crudely and bowed your head, "W-what should I do, Professor?" Spotting your best friend Felix within the group of students, he tried his best to send you a look of 'we were supposed to be partners'. You shot him an apologetic expression back before turning your attention back to both professors.

After a brief pause in thought, Professor Na's face lit up, "Ah yes! Lee Minho lacks a partner as of now!" Following the eyes of your teacher, they brought your line of sight to the far corner of the room where Minho had been sitting. At the mention of his name, he raised his head to see that everyone had been gaping back at him in what seemed like total silence.

A sharp intake of air through your nose had replicated a gasp, eyes growing wide, "P-pardon?" Out of all the boys in the class, an amount you couldn't keep track of with your fingers, you had to end up with Lee Minho? The human embodiment of a wet sock?

Minho was… unbearable, to say the least. It wasn't that he had done something for you to hate him, which made you seem like a bad person, but in all honesty, your guys' personalities didn't seem to match. He was too arrogant, in your opinion. He has this energy that he carries that really didn't sit well with you, and by the looks of it, the feeling was mutual. It was as if you both ended up on the opposite bc end of everything.

It really doesn't help that you're a Hufflepuff, and he's a Slytherin. For some unknown reason, they always loved teasing the people from your house, though Hufflepuffs chose not to return their actions.

"Mr. Lee is the only student remaining with no partner."

You gulped and slowly approached him, only because your professors had motioned you over to him. If you could protest, you would, but what was holding you back was the attention given by the entire class and the teacher's who seemed too excited for their own good.

Minho pressed his tongue against his inner cheek, eyes lighting up in wrongly-fueled happiness. He hopped from the upper bench and down across from you. You blinked back at him dryly, maintaining calm yet trying to speak to him with your eyes.

Crossing his arms, he leaned forward and smirked, "Why the bitter face? You should relish in your luck for ending up with me."

"Stop talking, dead cells are coming out of your mouth… Luck my as–"

"Now! That everyone has a partner, I'd like you all to stick with these individuals until these classes are finished," Professor Shin had announced. It was quickly followed by groans and whining from many of your classmates. Though you hated your partner and wished you had arrived earlier and paired with Felix, you stood quiet, isolating the anger within your chest.

"And before we begin once again," Professor Na added, "I'd like to point out that this is still a class. We will be holding a class particularly focused on evaluation and your grade will be heavily based on participation over the length of this course." Once again, a chorus of grumbles had flooded the room.

You hear Minho curse under his breath, only because he was now two steps too far into your bubble, "This is utter bullshit."

This time it was your turn to taunt, "Why? Are you scared or something? Can't dance? Can't keep up with everyone?"

Narrowing his eyes, he scoffs, "Oh, shut your mouth, bumblebee. Just wait and see."

ii.

"Get up!" Felix tugged at your arm, voice sounding louder than it actually was. When you hadn't shifted at all in your bed, he sighed and tugged once more, "Y/N!"

"Wha– Felix you're not allowed in here!" You kicked at your blanket and sat up.

"We need to get to dance class," he clicked his tongue, "Let's go~"

"I really don't want to go," you whined, "I'd rather fail a class than hold hands with Lee Minho for an hour and a half." Felix dragged you out of your bed to see that you were already dressed in your robe, only your yellow and black tie had been carelessly tied.

"Wait, did you not change out your clothes from yesterday?" Felix jumped back in exaggeration, alarmed and slightly grossed out. His nose scrunched while he judged you through his eyes.

You glared at him and scoff, "Of course I did, you idiot. And don't act like you haven't done that." You take this as your victory as it was true, Felix had gone two days without changing, and it was a bit nasty considering all the places he's gone to in a day.

This time it was his turn to glare at you, "You shut your mouth! Now let's leave before Snape sees us roaming the halls once class starts."

Minho winced slightly, trying not to let your feet ruin the simple waltz routine that the class had finally run through, "If you step on my foot one more time, I'm shoving yours up your arse." His teeth were gritted in frustration, looking down at you with narrowed eyes.

"Then stop stepping on my feet," you muttered back, hoping that no one else, especially the professors, were hearing you two bicker.

It had only been about two lessons into the class and that amount of times that Minho had purposefully disrupted the routine… as if it were good, to begin with.

The two of you found it difficult to fall in sync with each other. It was always either going too fast or too slow, someone making an 'accidental' mistake, and Minho's favourite, holding your hand and hip with a tight and stubborn grip. It wasn't evident whether he was doing it on purpose, either, but you had pointed it out plenty of times, and he never seemed to loosen them.

"I'm not stepping on them," he pushed you back a little too early in the dance, causing you to stumble on your own feet. This caught the attention of those around you, though they carried on almost immediately after.

"Tell that to my bruised toe," you argued back.

As if you were being blessed, the music had finally come to an end. You promptly retracting your arms and to your body and taking a step back from Minho. He had done the same, going an extra mile to turn away from you and to the professors.

"Perfect! Perfect!" Professor Na's face lit up from excitement, "Now that we have learned this simple routine, next class we are moving on to one of the actual dances done in the Yule Ball as tradition. I hope you all are excited as I am!" Very few students had taken time to let out a "whoop" while everyone else, including you, chose to retrieve their books at the seats.

Felix approached you with a pitiful smile. He already knew what you were going to say, patting your back gently, "So how was it?"

Exhausted, you just shook your head and shrugged. Being partners with Minho honestly had been completely draining for you, mentally and physically, which was unusual as you could often live through such situations without feeling the need to scream.

"What else do you think?"

Felix nodded apologetically and puffed out his cheeks, "Is it as bad as the potions exam we had in fourth year?" He shuddered subtly and led you out of the classroom. Just thinking about that exam made Felix want to claw at his brain. If there was a way to take a particular memory and make it disappear from the chamber of long term memories, he would. Maybe then he'd be able to get a few more hours of sleep.

"Yes," you replied simply. The test was equally as horrible for you, but a test didn't force you to 'create chemistry' with a certain Slytherin.

"You're lying… can't be that bad," Felix laughed lightly.

"Easy for you to say," you sighed.

From behind, you feel someone bump your shoulder and pass by you, "Oops," he snickered, walking backwards to watch your reaction. The only thing he was missing was popcorn.

You turned to see Minho and rolled your eyes, "Ha-Ha, you're so funny, Lee Minho." Such a childish joke and you guys were almost leaving Hogwarts.

Though your reply had been dripping in sarcasm, Minho's wit had dodged it entirely, "Well thank you very much," he bowed, more like a manly curtsy, before he ran off, leaving Felix slightly puzzled at what just happened.

"Don't you see how much of a dingbat he is? He constantly chooses to pick on me just to get a reaction out of me," you utter, "He should be glad I was raised to be patient, if not I'd be hexing him like the world was near its end."

"I see a pattern," Felix hummed. The expression on his face looked as if he had come to an incredible epiphany.

Making a face, you click your tongue, "What do you even mean by that?" What pattern? Green, white, green, white? Minho and his constant need to be the crow to your crops?

Felix patted your head, "You're slow sometimes, you know that right?" He puffed his cheeks up and raised his brows as he looked down at you as if you were a kid.

"Can you just spit it out?" you narrowed your eyes at him before you physically pried his hand off your head.

"Minho does all of that just to get a reaction out of you," Felix presses his lips into a thin line, slowly forming a smile.

Finally arriving at the next classroom, you groaned, "You basically repeated what I said earlier…"

"If you didn't know this already, boys love getting attention from someone they are attracted to," Felix plopped into his seat. You followed right after, "I should know… I'm a boy."

You almost laugh at the tone of his voice. The confidence and the look he gave you to emphasize his statement; was all too funny, "So what you're saying is… Lee Minho has a – and god forbid– crush on me?" Felix nods like a young child, with eyes wide and a tight-lipped smile.

"Bollocks," You burst out laughing, "Felix, I love you, don't get me wrong, but you've never said anything more rubbish in the years I've known you."

"The chances are never zero," Felix put his index finger as if he were saying it in 'a matter of fact'.

You lean forward and sit your chin at your folded forearms. You eyed the teacher as she made her way into the room, "You're right there, Lix, but there's honestly no way Minho would like me. And me of all people would know that." You locked that statement in, feeling your words and emotions contradict.

Right?

iii.

"And then Y/N had the audacity to step on my foot," Minho kicked at the bench across from him, frustration released after what seemed to Seungmin was years of ranting. He didn't mind though, in years of being in the same house as him, he learned how to block him out yet still know what was going on when Minho asked for some sort of reply.

Minho tapped the end of his pencil against his textbook, eyes drifting off elsewhere in the grand hall. Students were clumped at their respective tables, studying for whatever class they had. Minho was trying to do the same, but his state of mind was not in the mood. But he was trying, he was pushing himself, that's what mattered in his opinion.

Turning his attention to Seungmin, who was seated next to him, he jumped, seeing that Seungmin's eyes were wide and directed at him, "What the hell!?"

"What?" Seungmin shifted back forward, facing his own books. In a sense, the scene was hysterical. He acted as if he hadn't done anything wrong or out of the ordinary, but Minho still tried to push an explanation out of him through looks.

"What do you mean what? Why were you looking at me like that?" Minho put his pencil down and closed his book on it.

"I was trying to see something," the boy shrugged and got back to his own work.

Again, Minho furrowed his brows at Seungmin's lack of detail in his response. What in the world was he even trying to do? "Trying to see what? If you don't answer me properly–"

"Okay! Okay!" Seungmin exclaimed a little too loudly, earning looks from other wizards in the room, "You know that saying that if you're in love, you start to glow?"

"No? What type of nonsense are you saying?" Minho scoffed, "Love? Are you sick or something?" Roughly, Minho brought the back of his hand to Seungmin's forehead, which Seungmin had thrown off almost right away.

"You've been talking about Y/N this entire period, you haven't stopped until moments ago," wiggling his eyebrows, Seungmin whispered his reply to Minho, making sure no one would be able to hear him this time.

Minho's face had contorted into one of disgust and confusion, "And?" Where was Seungmin even going with this? He was just relieving stress. It's not that deep.

"My point is that they're the only thing you've been talking about lately," Seungmin scribbles his pen at the top of his paper to get it to work, "Even if I start the conversation, it somehow just shifts to Y/N. Normally I'd be mad, but since you're in love, I'll let it pass."

"In love?" Minho's jaw dropped, a mixture of emotions swimming around inside of him, "In love!?" Trying to find words to perfectly reflect what he was saying, he fails, shoving Seungmin off the bench. Actions spoke louder than words, right?

Seungmin smirked and chuckled, unfazed, "What? Cat got your tongue?" He gets up, dusting his robe off before sitting back down, "It's because I'm right, aren't I?"

Minho gulps, "Will you quit it? You're…"

"I'm…?"

"You're confusing me. Quit it," Minho huffs, gathering all his things as he was planning to return to the dormitories. This was a different way of playing with emotions. There was a zero per cent chance that he liked you, or worse, loved you. That word was way too strong, dangerous like amortentia.

"I take that as a yes!" Seungmin stood his ground, just letting out a genuine laugh.

Minho held a finger up at Seungmin, who still laughed, unbothered. He didn't like you. And if he did, it wasn't wrong to do so. It was an ordinary mortal thing to have feelings. But that didn't matter right now because he didn't like you, not even a tiny crush.

But that slight state of unfamiliar panic in his heart says otherwise.

iv.

The muscles in your arm were aching from the horrible fact that Minho had been purposefully letting his arm go limp while he was holding your hand, which somehow led to you holding up his arm with your arm. You frowned at him, tempted to let your arm fall in the middle of the routine.

"Can you actually put in some effort?" you whispered through gritted teeth. Squeezing Minnho's hand, you directed a look of annoyance that only returned with an amused look. Underneath his robe, you could tell he had been intentionally dragging his feet, causing the both of you to slowly hold those partnerships behind you up.

"I'm not wasting energy on this," he shrugs quietly, "It's ridiculous."

"What don't you find ridiculous?" you rolled your eyes, "You Slytherins and the lack of interest in anything but yourselves. Where's the excitement in that?" No, you didn't want to generalize the entire Slytherin population, especially since you had family members from that house, but you knew exactly how to rev up Minho's engine. Just by the way his face twisted, you knew damn well you hit the right spot.

"Shut your mouth before I spin you a little too hard…" he said a little bit louder, "I don't find it ridiculous, I just find that us being partners is ridiculous… who in this entire school would want to be partners with you?" Before you could even reply, he had caught you, "That's not from your house."

"Jokes on you, I know plenty of people who would be partners with me," you scoffed, and it was true. There was Jisung who had somehow been sorted into Gryffindor, Hyunjin and their seniors, Bang Chan and Changbin. And there was Jeongin, who was a Ravenclaw. You could list a handful more, but that's beside the point.

"Silence is deadly," he stifled a laugh which had driven you to 'accidentally' stumble over your own feet. This caused him to stumble himself, only he wasn't prepared for it, "I'm blaming you for ending up being my partner. I was hoping someone else would've entered the room. But no, it had to be you."

"You're blaming me? For this?" You shake your head out of disbelief, not noticing that your voice had gone louder. You were catching the attention of those around you and the professors at the front of the room, "You could have found a partner you wanted in the first place but you probably decided to stay back and wait for someone to go up to you. No one wanted to be partners with you, which is why you ended up alone in the first place."

Minho's eyebrows furrowed, eyes almost on fire at what you had just said, "You know what?!"

Before he had been able to continue the banter, Professor Shin had cleared her throat. The glares that they both were sending your way had caused the both of you to stop with the squabbling, "Y/N, Minho, I know we've never talked to the two of you about your constant bickering, but it is simply interrupting the atmosphere of my classroom."

Taken aback, the both of you had stumbled over each other's feet, falling to the ground and causing a domino effect among the rest of the students.

Flustered, you turn to Minho, "That was all your fault, Lee Minho." You huffed and attempted to get up, failing once you noticed that Minho was practically lying on your leg.

"Oh be quiet," he rolled his eyes and dusted himself off, "That was all you! You and your two left feet." The rest of the room was silent, regardless of the incident. All ears and eyes were on the 'love birds,' not entirely sure whether or not they should blame you both on what had just happened.

Sliding out from underneath him, you scoffed, "Don't speak so highly of yourself, Minho."

Minho cackled, "Highly? Of myself?!"

"Stop this instant!" Professor Na had finally mustered up the courage to intervene, anger bubbling in his stomach, "Enough!" The two professors began helping the students up, scolding both of you as they did.

"Five points deducted from your respective houses," Professor Shin said sharply, "And you both are now in charge of polishing the floor every Friday for the following three weeks."

"But professor–"

Minho was cut off, "That, or ten points off for your houses…" And without another word, you both chose to polish the floors after all classes were done for the day.

Day one of polishing the floors was practically the most difficult. Not only did the professors restrict using magic to finish the chore, but the overall idea of doing something alongside Minho aggravated you, which was why you hated dancing with him so much. The comments he'd make, the taunting looks he'd give you, the jokes that were obviously uncalled for, they all were honestly bringing you to the point of near insanity.

At first, both of you had decided to start off on the same side, almost the same corner. But the moment you noticed Minho constantly glancing your way in the corner of your eye, you decided against it, "How about I start at that end."

"Whatever floats your boat," he mumbles, "I don't care."

The tone in his voice hadn't matched yours, which you assumed was polite enough not to spark some type of that energy in him, but it did.

"Whatever," you make your way to the other end, sliding your robe off on the way. You let it hang off one of the benches, making sure it wasn't touching the floor. You rolled up your sleeves and started polishing the further end of the room, a bit relieved that Minho wasn't hovering anywhere within your line of sight. It was better that way.

The second day, you were hoping that you could get through a period of cleaning without hearing Minho's ungodly voice. He had been moving back and forth from one corner to the other, feet squeaking seemingly endlessly against the floor. You wished that the volume of the music could be turned up louder.

"I'm doing more than you are," Minho pointed out. You turned to find that he was standing in the middle of the room, hair messy and beads of sweat lining his hairline. His collar was out of place, and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows just as yours were. Did he, for some reason, look attractive, or was it the lack of light in the room? Probably the latter.

"What do you mean you're doing more than I am?" you feel your eyebrows knit together in confusion, "I'm doing the same amount of work as you." And you were, but you were working just a bit slower than he was. He had probably sped through his area with the idea that the sooner you both finished, the sooner you were able to leave.

"Just hurry up," he groaned. Minho dragged his feet over to a lone stool, pushing it against the wall before plopping into it. The music continued to play, drowning out the shuffle noises of his feet.

"No," you replied, keeping your speed consistent. It wasn't like you wanted to stay longer. It was the fact that Minho couldn't leave until you were finished that was making you act this way. Maybe if he did his job well, he wouldn't be sitting around doing nothing.

Tile by tile, you continued to carry out the chore given to you, not paying mind to the pair of eyes that were burning holes into your back. You ensured that the areas you had worked on were basically spotless, reflection or not, you assumed that shiny meant clean.

Minho had been humming along to the somewhat catchy tune, foot tapping to pass the precious time he believed you were wasting. Nonetheless, he leaned back and sighed, hoping you could finish in time, so he had time to nap before dinner.

"Why do they even need classes for dancing?" He sighed out. At first, you weren't quite sure if he was speaking to you or if he was just thinking out loud, "I feel like we'd be fine either way…" You turn to look at him, seeing that he was already staring at you down.

"I mean it's going to look nice at the Yule Ball,"

You replied.

"Yeah but not everyone's going… it's a waste of time," Minho had a point, yet you still found it somewhat amusing that the school would want to organize such things.

"I don't see why you don't just skip class if you find it a waste of time," you moved onto another spot and sighed, "No one's stopping you."

"Yeah but who'd be your partner then?"

Not knowing how to react to his question, you keep quiet. Minho decided not to follow up on the problem, thinking that he had said something out of the ordinary.

The sun had reached the horizon when you finished your portion of the room. You stood up to stretch, hearing the joints of your knees and back pop out of exhaustion. It was satisfying to see the difference between the used, scruffy floor and the clean, polished floor.

"Okay Lee Minho I'm finished," without taking a glance at the boy, you made your way over to the record player. You lifted the needle off and picked the record up, slipping it into its sleeve. It didn't occur to you that Minho hadn't shifted in the past thirty minutes, silence filling the room because you turned the music off.

"Minho?" Finally turning to him, you found him sleeping with his head sat back against the wall. His mouth was wide open, practically becoming a makeshift trap for bugs that happened to be flying around. The rest of his body was limp, legs spread out beneath him. It was surprising that he hadn't fallen off yet.

You walked up to his sleeping figure and laughed lightly, wishing you had a camera to capture this moment. It would've been great blackmail. Maybe then he'd start being nice to you. Naturally, your eyes followed the slope of his nose, then to the two front teeth that stuck out from underneath his top lip.

He had bunny-like features, and you didn't mean that in a wrong way. His face was still sculpted nonetheless. Anyone with eyes would have to admit that he was attractive.

"Done staring at me yet?"

You screamed and jumped back, pressing your hand up to your chest as if to calm you down. Looking back at Minho, you find that his eyes were still closed, yet a smirk had replaced his gaping mouth. The number of curse words that threatened to leave your mouth was countless, the embarrassment creeping up to your cheeks. He finally lifted his head to look at you, eyes still a bit droopy from his nap.

"I-I wasn't staring at you," you denied, shaking your head a bit too aggressively, "Well I was… but because I was laughing at how foolish you just looked."

An offended look surfaced Minho's face, scowling at you as he stood, "I have this feeling that you're lying, bumblebee… Anyways, this is where I leave. Finally, after years." He shook his rolled-up sleeves so that the cuffs slid back to his wrists. You let him leave without another word from the two of you, still in a bit of shock at what just happened. You knew he was never going to let you forget that.

You slumped next to Felix as dinner was being served, an expression almost as heavy as your posture. He looked down at you, debating whether or not he should interrupt the mini montage you were probably playing through your head.

"I want to ask you how the cleaning today was but I think I already know just by looking at you," he stated, sliding a piece of roasted chicken your way, "Unless you do want to speak about it. Just eat and the day's over."

You gave him a grateful smile and gestured for him to eat too, eyes lighting up slightly, "I'm actually not tired from cleaning that stupid dance room, but it's just… this thing that happened. It was beyond embarrassing."

Felix snorts and stuffs his cheeks with food. His words came out muffled as he still chose to reply with a full mouth, "What happened this time?"

You glanced towards the Slytherin table, eyes scanning it quickly to get one quick look at Minho before you whispered, "Minho fell asleep waiting for me to finish cleaning. He looked idiotic as he did so I sorta just—how do I say this— stared at him? But it wasn't like I was admiring him, it was more like I didn't want that stupid look on his face to go away. It was amusing."

"And?"

"In the middle of that he went, 'are you done staring yet?' It was like he had a sixth sense or something," you muttered, "Now I feel like he's making fun of me."

"Doesn't he always make fun of you," Felix had yet again stuffed his mouth, so his words were still muffled, "Why does it matter this time?"

"It's different. It's not some useless situation… it was genuinely embarrassing," you poke the food before taking a bite of your own, "He's going to it against me, I already know."

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he'll forget it sooner than you will."

"Hey remember when I caught you staring at me?" Minho's voice echoed faintly throughout the room. He stood up to stretch before he crouched back down.

"I never stared at you," you sneered, "And why are you talking about that as if it happened years ago. That was literally last week."

"That's long enough in my book," he retorted, "Good times." A small reminiscing type smile appearing on his lips.

"Can you not start? I sorta want today to be stress-free and you're literally ruining it," you roll your eyes and move onto the next tile on your side. Minho had decided to choose a different record to play today, one the professors had never played in class. It had been hidden behind all the other records being used, and it took Minho a good five minutes to rake through all of them just to get to it.

The songs were more upbeat than the waltz music you were forced to listen to, which was actually much more perfect for cleaning to. It made it a bit more bearable than the last two times you had to clean.

Minho didn't reply, though you didn't see how he switched glances between you and the mechanical polisher in hand. The track had shifted into a faster song, something that was easy to dance to. From where he stood, he could see your knitted eyebrows, eyes dropping from the slight fatigue blanketing over you after a long school day.

Upon awareness that his shoulders were slumped, he straightened himself and sighed. This week had indeed been a long week, and it was evident in some way in both of you. This was the last of the week's labour before he could go and relax while mindlessly saving his homework for Sunday.

The music had been tempting to let go earlier than he should for the week, the steady beat and the catchy melody filling the room.

Putting the polisher and the rag down, he took a few steps towards you, still contemplating whether he should do what he was thinking or not. He was unsure whether it was bizarre for him to pull such a thing. But you did say you wanted a stress-free day, so he thought he should switch up a bit.

He started moving his body to the rhythm of the music, head bobbing as it took over him naturally. It was easier dancing alone than with a partner, that's for sure, but he wanted to invite you.

"Y/N!" He was freestyling, arms flailing and legs bringing him across the room with a swift movement.

You sighed, "What now?" Turning to Minho, you find him in the middle of the dance room, doing what the room was made for. He had a foreign smile on his face, not the usual smirk you'd find him sporting.

"What the–"

"Join me!"

You went through several different emotions in seconds, confusion, amusement, joy, contemplation… how were you supposed to react to a goofy Minho?

"Join me!" He repeated. This time he approached you, hands out in invitation, "C'mon it's fun!"

"Minho, we have to finish this so we can leave, remember?" You tried to keep a stern look on your face, yet you couldn't hold back the smile that had been forcing itself out. Minho suited this look; It was happier and carefree. You didn't know that his eyes would light up when he smiled a somewhat gummy smile.

"I know, but let's take a break," being the impatient boy he was, he took hold of your hands and pulled you up. He led you in a dance that probably wasn't considered a partner dance. He just pushed your arms back and forth like those scenes in the movies.

"Minho!" You finally let out a laugh, feet unable to keep up with his. He was sidestepping left, then sidestepping right, then back and forth, all unplanned. You stumbled, letting out joyful laughter that was rare around Minho. He laughed along with you, eyes disappearing the bigger his smile got.

When your legs had gotten worn out from constant movement, you tripped over one of them, sending you and your dance partner to the ground. Instead of erupting anger that would have usually washed over you, fits of laughter fell in its place, echoing throughout the room.

Before you could ask if he was okay, you hear footsteps enter the room, a confused Professor Shin staring the both of you down, "What are you two doing?! This is not polishing the floors!" The exasperation changed the normal hue of her skin into a shade of crimson.

Quickly apologizing, you get up and return to your so-called 'stations,' not being able to say another word about what had just happened to each other.

You wouldn't admit it out loud, not in front of Minho at least… but that was the most fun you've had in weeks.

Little did you know, Minho felt the same way.

v.

There was a part of you who had gotten used to Minho's horrible dancing after two weeks of dancing classes. After what happened last week, there was a tiny sliver of toleration that had surfaced from both of you. It was mutual. But obviously, neither of you were going to admit it.

Though Minho was starting to get somewhat bearable, there were still days when he'd begin to act up, smirk pinned tightly on his lips while he mischievously pranced about in the dance room. Today was one of those days.

When Professor had slipped the record onto the play, dropping the needle onto the very edge and starting it, Minho had chosen to let his body go heavy, relying on you to haul him around like a giant, weighted ragdoll. You knew he wasn't tired, just judging by the look in his eyes.

"Give it up," you tugged him roughly in one direction, then again towards another, feet hardly following the steps the class was taught the past few weeks. If Minho let his body grow just a bit limper than it already was, his head would have fallen directly onto your shoulder. If you were being honest, you didn't want any attention from anyone else in the room, "Lee Minho, I'm not in the mood for this today, okay?"

Minho's ears perked at the foreign tone that had slipped from your lips, sensing that you were being serious. You would tell him to quit it most days, but never with that tone; It was no fun if you weren't fighting back. Sighing quietly, he had picked his body up and started to follow the eight-count that Professor Shin was practically yelling out.

This minor change didn't go unnoticed by you, feeling his body grow lighter just moments after you'd ask him to quit it. Did he just…?

Other students in the room were surprised that you two were going more than thirty seconds without arguing like a married couple. Many sets of eyes didn't bother leaving the both of you, watching what would happen next in the twist of events.

Minho's feet carried his body swiftly; for the first time, he was guiding you like he was supposed to, but his eyes were glued to his feet, not wanting it to become weird if he were to make accidental eye contact with you. He didn't like how quiet it was between the both of you. The music didn't even do its purpose by filling the silence.

"Are you going to the Yule Ball?" Minho asked awkwardly. He twirled you as part of the dance. He recognized that look on your face which was basically a wordless reply, "That was probably a dumb question." Shaking his head, Minho mentally slapped himself. Never in his life did he fail with words.

"Of course I'm going," you replied rather expressionless, "Why would I not?" You were almost as confused as earlier. Minho trying to make a civilized conversation. Who the fuck was this? It wasn't Minho.

He shrugs, "I don't know… I guess you have a date…?" Minho, what the fuck. He squeezed his eyes shut as if the stone floor would swallow him wholly to take him away from this situation.

As puzzled as you were, you still decided to keep the conversation as it was, "Nope… I think I'm just going with Felix for fun." You tried to keep your tone calm when really you were freaking out. The only thing was you had no idea why you were freaking out, "Y-you?" Facepalm.

"No one."

None of you chose to speak after, not knowing where the conversation was going. The song was slowly reaching the end, which you had wished came sooner. Minho's hands were growing sweaty, and you wanted nothing more than to wipe your hand off. It was getting hot in the room too. Your collar was growing tight, throat itching for water.

Minho's heart was beating a bit too fast for his liking, but it was probably because he was growing tired from the moving. He wondered if you could feel how sweaty his hands were getting. Embarrassing.

"Final counts!" Professor Na called out before the static of the record player replaced the music. The two of the professors had clapped in adoration, overlooking all the students in the room.

Professor Shin had a broad smile on her face, "Beautiful! Gorgeous! Best one so far!" She twirled in place, "Thank you everyone! The Yule ball is in two weeks so I am very pleased with the effort you all are putting into this class! Remember we still have the final class in which you are graded, which I'm sure you all will ace."

"I couldn't care less," Minho mumbled, only so you could hear.

You turn to him, squinting your eyes and tilting your head to express your slight frustration, "You know I'm your partner right?"

"Oh no~ really?," he stuffed his hands into his pockets, "And?"

"And? I don't want to fail this class, even though I'm forced to dance with you," you stated, "So don't you fucking dare fail us both." That tone in your voice was evident once again, catching Minho off guard. The only reason that it had this effect on him was that he was so used to you choosing to fight back. It was like some sort of reminder that everyone around him was getting old, and soon all those around him were expected to be serious.

Nevertheless, Minho shrugs to annoy you, "Whatever."

Instead of answering, you eyed him once more. Your dancing just a few moments ago says otherwise.

You had practically sighed out the total capacity of your lungs as you hung onto Felix's arms on the way out the door.

"What are you sighing about?" He chuckled.

"You already know," you elbowed him.

Felix rolled his eyes and sang, "I saw you guys dancing earlier~."

You pushed him away gently, shock littering your face and posture, "What the bloody hell are you on about now, Lee?"

"You guys actually look cute together when you aren't babbling and all," he grinned innocently. Your heart had the audacity to skip a beat, startling you just as much as Felix did.

"Cute?" You scoffed, "First you said you think he liked me, now this? Are you his wingman or something? Are you trying to get me to like him?"

Felix skipped in his step, "I don't even talk to Minho, Y/N, don't be ridiculous… wait… did you basically just say you're starting to like him?" He gasped, hand slapping over his mouth, which had fallen in shock.

"No," you say flatly.

"Liar," Felix poked at your rib, "Liar. At least confess that you find him less bad."

"Sure, whatever makes you happy, Felix."

When you had fallen out of Felix's line of sight, you let the corner of your mouths turn up slightly. He said we looked cute, you think, only followed by you flicking yourself in the temple.

-

"I thought you were staying here until it closed?" you frown at Felix, who started gathering his stuff. You both had planned on cramming everything in for a test the next day, but plans didn't go as planned when Felix was eager to go back to the dormitories to sleep until the morning.

"My eyes are going to fall out of their sockets if I don't go and sleep, Y/N," he pats your head as if he were talking to a young child, "You can stay if you want. I know how much you hate studying in the common room." He double-checks his area to ensure he hadn't forgotten any of his belongings before patting your head once more. He grins and turns towards the door of the library, leaving you sitting alone at the table.

"Felix ~" You called out quietly, only for him to wave with his back facing you. You sighed and slumped back in your chair, resting your arms on the handles. Libraries were so much better when you had company.

The words in the textbook were starting to turn into blobs of ink, and for a second, you were thinking about following in Felix's footsteps. After moments of consideration, you shook your head and sat up. You'll stay, even if it was against the will of your fatigue self that had been prompting you to leave. This was all your fault anyway. Procrastination was a cruel thing.

Hunching forward, you let your eyes trace over the words, trying to process the information. You rewrote the info you wished to remember carelessly. Your notes resembled chicken scratch, but at this point, you didn't care because it was simply supplementary to your studying. The sun was close to its horizon, and the library was close to empty. It was somewhat more motivating.

Slowly the information had started to get more interesting. It was easier to run through the key terms and ideas listed in the textbook, and you could feel the exhaustion simply leaving your body. I'll finish this one last chapter and then save the rest for lunch tomorrow.

Your focus on the book had hindered your peripheral vision that the presence of another wizard floating over your shoulder went unnoticed. It was only until they had sat down next to you when you finally noticed.

You jumped in your seat, eyes growing wide. You had luckily suppressed your scream with your hand, which you had, out of defense, swung forward, slapping the person in the chest.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You don't sneak up on people like that, Minho," you rolled your eyes at the Slytherin, shifting away from him before turning your attention back towards the textbook. He scooches closer with intentions of irritating you, pushing his face towards your book, "What are you doing?"

You push him away and stick one of the thicker books between you both, "What does it look like?"

"Studying?"

"You're smarter than I thought, Lee Minho," sarcasm dripped from your voice as you glared at him. Attempting to continue with the final chapter, you miserably fail when Minho interrupts your concentration by tapping his fingers loudly against the wooden table.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" you say numbly, voice muffled by your robe, "I was literally just sitting here and you decide to do this."

Minho shrugs and uses his arms as a makeshift pillow, "I was bored, saw you, here I am, I'm here to stay."

Your eyebrows furrowed at the fact that Minho decided to 'spend time with you upon seeing you. You had no idea whether to feel flattered or irritated, but you knew you were confused. He could've just gone back to the Slytherin dungeons to sit with his housemates, but he saw you and decided to sit with you.

Staring blankly at the bookshelves across from you, you huffed out the corner of your mouth, blowing a stray strand of hair by your cheek. You did say you wanted company. You just weren't sure if it was Minho's company that you wanted. Glancing down briefly at him, and looked back up to the bookshelves.

"Fine," you say after pondering about the idea.

Minho's ears perked up, raising his brows, "Fine?"

"Just don't be loud."

Minho's head tilts in confusion, though he still complies, sitting next to you patiently. You continued to read through the final chapter, which you had underestimated in length. The chapter was a good half a centimetre in thickness. Though it didn't seem as much at first glance, the pages were practically dipped in ink, words covering it from one corner to the other.

You could feel your eyes grow heavy as you delve deeper into the chapter. Your bed was calling for you, but there was no way you were going to give. Not until this chapter was finished.

The library had been silent except for the occasional click of the pen from the librarian's desk. You had been mentally counting down the number of pages left to skim over, eager to feel that feeling of satisfaction you usually get once you finish a task. It was the same feeling as crossing or checking off a chore on a to-do list.

Minho had settled his eyes on the centre of your book, keeping them steady even as you flipped the pages. He felt the lids of eyes gradually get heavier as each page went by, and by the time you shut the book in delight, he had fallen asleep.

"Again?" You furrowed your eyebrows, remembering the last time he had fallen asleep in your presence. You darted your eyes away from his dormant figure, not making that same mistake twice, "Minho, wake up."

He stirs right away, head rising from his arms. This time he says nothing, pushing himself off of the library's chair before stumbling over his own feet as he makes his way to your side. He looked like a toddler, and it was admittedly adorable.

"Why didn't you just go straight to the dorms if you were tired," you snorted at his dumbassery. Some students still littered the halls even if curfew was nearing. Instead of parting from your side at the library's entrance, Minho stuck by your side.

"I wanted to spend time with you outside of class," he grumbles. He blinks at the long corridor in front of you two, eyes barely staying open from exhaustion.

Feeling your heart skip a beat, you tried to pick out if he was joking or not, but his tone screamed, 'I'm tired.' Any other emotion was hard to comb out, so you sighed and shook your head, pressing your lips into a smile, "Sleep that cheesiness off, Lee Minho."

Minho continued to walk next to you, silent and confused about what you just had said. It wasn't like he was drunk. He was well aware of what he just said. Nonetheless, he subtly walked you to the kitchen corridor, parting ways with you with an uttered 'goodbye.'

vi.

Sitting against the stone wall, you watched the rest of the class carry out the dance routine, formation changes and all. You ran through it with them, only mentally as your partner was nowhere to be found, and the class was halfway done.

There were barely any classes left before the final graded run through, and Minho really thought it'd be funny to skip? You would have let it pass if you guys weren't the worst duo in the room, but you guys are the worst duo in the room, which made the situation different.

"Professor Na," You asked quietly, "Has Lee Minho been excused from today's class. Is he ill?" You didn't want to jump to conclusions, keeping in mind that people did have their own reasons. Maybe he had caught a cold or was doing a missed exam that was far more important than dancing.

"No word from Minho, Y/N," the professor hummed back.

You frowned and thanked him, turning back to the main dance floor, students moving in sync. Where was he?

Just as you had finished your train of thought, the door had swung open just like it probably did on the first day of class. Minho stumbled in, hair a mess and a rather sheepish smile stamped on his lips.

"I apologize Professors," he bowed deeply, following the perimeter of the room. He bowed again as he reached the two instructors at the front of the room.

Professor Shin stopped her counting, "No need to apologize to us, apologize to your partner." She gestured towards you, already looking back. Minho nodded and approached you, though when he did reach you, he didn't apologize.

"And?"

"And what?" Minho ridiculed.

"Aren't you going to apologize like what the Professor asked?" You tried not to laugh at how Minho had been acting.

Minho let out a cackle, “No? Why should I? Can you stand up so we can start dancing or something?" His hand was itching to reach out for yours, feeling like he should pull you towards him, but he hindered himself from doing so, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Instead of pushing the apology out of him, you decided against it, not wanting to waste any of your time, "Why are you even late?"

The two of you followed the crowd, joining in at the perfect time. Minho smirked, "Worried about me or something? I know I'm in your head twenty-four seven, but I didn't expect you to be so obvious about it."

Tightening your grip around his hand, you gritted your teeth, "I wasn't worried about you, nitwit."

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because you made me sit, doing nothing for nearly forty-five minutes?" You reply as if you were pointing out the obvious, "So why are you late and coming to class looking like a mountain troll?"

"Wow, ouch," he sighed, "I slept in. Am I going to hell for doing so? Because I can recall you did the same the first day and got us into this mess."

"This is about you, not me," you applied pressure onto his hands, causing him to stumble back slightly, ruining the rhythm he had built up. He furrowed his brows at you and did the same, only you were somehow ready for it.

"Oh please," Minho rolls his eyes, "You've done the same so you shouldn't even be mad at me."

"I'm only frustrated, not mad, there's a difference," you point out, "And I'm frustrated because we have that graded dance next week. If we fail, it's going to be your fault."

"It takes two to tango," he quoted, "And you already know where I stand on that. I don't ca-"

"Shut up, the professors are looking," you warned, flashbacks to the three weeks you had to polish the floors.

Minho laughed slightly, letting air blow out of his nose. He let his eyes drift down at you, keeping them there for a little too long.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shrugged, spinning you along with the other students, "You just looked way too terrified." The next move had the two of you closer than the initial space between you.

"I don't want to be spending an extra three hours with you after classes polishing the floor," you retort sharply. Instead of holding eye contact with him, you stared at the Slytherin crest on his uniform.

"I know you liked spending time with me, don't lie," he rolled his eyes teasingly.

"I'm not lying."

"You staring at me says otherwise."

"Oh hush about that already, I literally told you that I wasn't staring at you," Inwardly cringing, you felt relief once the music had stopped. You stepped back and eyed down the boy in front of you, "Why do keep bringing that up?"

Before Minho could give reasoning, Professor Na had spoken up from across the room, reminding everyone that the next class was the graded class. Though they wouldn't be strict with grading, he still wanted to see the students' effort 'flowing'. After a chorus of groans, class ended, allowing you to avoid Minho and find your way to Felix.

-

Someone tapping your shoulder had woken you up, head jolting up as if you were frightened.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Chaeryeong gasped sheepishly. She was hovering over you slightly, eyes wide. She was changed into her nightwear.

You sat up, only now realizing you had fallen asleep in the common room, "It's alright. What time is it?" You didn't even remember how you fell asleep, but you sure did have a good sleep.

"It's almost midnight," she replied, "I needed to grab water from the kitchen, then I saw you here and figured it'd be more comfortable for you to go to sleep in your own bed rather than this tiny couch."

You grinned, "Thanks Chae… I'll probably get something from the kitchen as well."

She nods and mumbles out a quick goodnight before disappearing to the girls' dorms. You return her farewell before standing up, eyes drawn to the wrinkles your nap had made on your robe. Attempting to straighten the robe and yourself out, you stumbled towards the Hufflepuff house entrance, exiting promptly.

The fireplace had been lit, a few house elves roaming about and carrying out their own duties. They paid no mind to you, as midnight snacks weren't out of the ordinary for Hufflepuffs.

You asked for what you needed, then was given it with no delay, "Thank you." The house elf nods before turning away with a grunt.

You sit at one of the tables, zoning out as you stared at the blazing fire across from you. School was getting a bit more stressful than it usually has, which was probably the reason why you had fallen asleep without knowing. You remember coming back from a long library visit. Maybe you collapsed on the couch once you did.

You made mental notes on the work still yet to be done before the following week, spontaneously creating a headache. Standing up, you figured it was best for you to go back to sleep. Slipping the dish into the sink, you started making your way back to the dorms.

You rubbed your temples and shook your head as you closed your eyes. It probably hadn't been a good idea to be wandering with your eyes closed as you had immediately bumped into something firm.

"Y/N?"

Looking up, you came face to face with Lee Minho, who was just as shocked as you were. He had been dressed down in a knitted Slytherin sweater and pyjama pants.

"Minho? What in the world?"

He backs up after noticing how close you were to each other, "Could say the same 'bout you."

"My dorms are right there," you point just down the corridor, "While yours is in the dungeon…"

Minho blinks before he tries to move around you, eyes avoiding yours.

"What are you doing here?" you grab his wrist, eager to find out why he was roaming the halls. It wasn't unusual for students to be breaking the rules, especially Minho, who loved living up to the stereotypes of a Slytherin. He smirks at the skinship, which prompts you to let go of him, heat rising up to your cheeks without warning. You're suddenly glad it's dim around the two of you.

"I was… taking a walk," he successfully pushes past you and into the kitchen, a glass of water already there for him. He thanks the house elf, leaving the glass, before turning back to you. By the looks of it, it seems like he's been doing this before, like a routine.

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed, "Taking a walk? You're painfully awful at lying." And the pause in his speaking gave that away. You followed behind him, expecting an honest answer as if you deserved to know.

"Weren't you just leaving?"

"But my question is unanswered," you shrugged.

"I answered you, I was taking a walk," he pushed the answer. Putting the cup down, he turned to you, "I have… sleeping problems."

"You just lied again," you nonchalantly, "Just tell me the truth. No judgment. A Hufflepuff's promise." You weren't usually one to push an answer out of someone, but this situation was different.

"You say no judgment but I already know how you're going to react to the truth," he takes another sip of water.

"So you were lying!" You raised your brows, "I knew it!"

"You don't deserve the truth," he sighs. Finishing the cup of water, he starts to make his way out, not even turning to look back.

"Lee Minho!" You groaned. Maybe it was your fatigue self or the fact this felt like some sort of game, but you weren't holding yourself back, "When I said I wouldn't judge, I won't. My mind's open to whatever you're going to say."

Minho spins around to face you, stumbling backward a few more steps before he halts, "I was practicing the dance steps."

No judgment.

The flat expression on Minho's face indicated that he had no intentions of lying this time. He had his hands hiding behind his back, eyeing you just to see if you would live up to your promise. Instead of his expected reaction, he finds you smiling, something he'd only see when you were around your friends.

"Wipe that smile off of your face, bumblebee," he mutters.

"Didn't you say you didn't care about that class?" you quoted, a smirk slowly replacing your smile, "Why are you practicing the steps?"

Minho licked his lips. He was at a loss of words, nothing but the truth occupying his mind… Why the hell not?

"Because you care."

You blinked back at him, lips parting and meeting several times as you tried to find the right words to say. The silence was deafening. "What?"

"Because you care," Minho repeated. He kept his expression still, eyeing you, trying to figure out how you were taking this in.

How would he further explain it? He didn't know. All he knew was that ever since that specific moment between the both of you the other day, he took it upon himself to better his partner dancing. He didn't want anyone else knowing, not you, and especially not his housemates, which was why he chose to stay up late to do this; it was the real reason why he had shown up late to class.

You weren't sure if it was because it was quiet, but you could easily hear your heartbeat as it quickened. You try to cover up the fact that you wanted to freak out, "I don't know whether I should laugh or–"

"Yeah, whatever, shouldn't have told you in the first place," he mumbles. For some reason, he felt his heart lub-dub in a way that it shouldn't. He frowned and sighed, "Just forget it."

"Wait, Minho," you call quietly. He stopped in his tracks and turned, partially facing the wall and facing you. He stared back at you with a vacant look, waiting for you to say something. If you weren't going to be saying something nice, he didn't want to hear it after exposing himself like that.

"'Because you care?'" you frowned, "You can't just say that and leave." You already made up a possible answer to the countless questions through your mind, but it was still unclear whether or not that was it.

"What else do you want me to say?" Minho stuffs his hands into his pockets.

"I just want you to explain it," you reply quietly.

Minho glanced out the window sitting by you both before sitting down on its pane, "Remember that other day… when I told you I didn't care?" You nod and move closer to where he sat, unsure whether or not you should sit next to him or not, "I don't know… you were really serious back then… I guess I wasn't used to that. So I figured…"

There was a quick moment of silence before he huffs, almost sounding defeated.

"Did you know that I genuinely don't dislike you as much as you think I do?" He says out of the blue, throwing you off. You wanted to tell him to sleep it off again—why did moments like this always happen at night?

"I don't either," you say back, "At first I did… but I matured."

"I only ever argued with you out of amusement. You're the only person outside of Slytherin that could out-talk me and it bothered me for some reason," he laughed as if he recalled a memory.

"Me intimidating a Slytherin? Just wait til the others hear about this," you joke. He glanced towards your direction and saw a clever glint in your eye.

"Don't you dare," he holds back a smile before standing up to face you directly, "Or…"

"Or what?" You challenged, "Imagine how Seungmin would react! Donghyuck and Renjun? What about Yeosang and Wooyoung?" You start listing the other well-known Slytherins off of the top of your head, holding back a laugh as you watch Minho's face crumble into an expression that looks far too close to fear.

Minho recollects himself and shakes some sense into himself, "Or I'll make you go to the Yule Ball with me." He hadn't planned on asking you today, but the timing was perfect. It fit with the situation. If you were to react unfavourably, then he could just joke about it.

His question shut you up. Your eyes widened at him as you processed what he had used as a threat, "What if I want to go to the Yule Ball with you?"

Minho takes a step towards you, a smirk appearing on his lips. His confidence was skyrocketing, and you can tell, "Then I guess it's a date?"

Rolling your eyes, you let a smile grace softly onto your lips, nodding, "It's a date."

Bonus:

"I told you to wear something with gold," you whined jokingly as you were greeted with Minho, who had completely dodged your request. Instead of the black and gold look you were going for, he decided to wear a black suit that had traces of emerald. As much you wanted to match with your date, you had to admit that he still looked as handsome as ever in the attire. He looked like a prince.

"And look like a Hufflepuff? No thanks," he scoffed teasingly. He pulls out a corsage, one that matches the clothes he wore, tying it gently around your wrist, "You look very beautiful."

"Well, you look very handsome."

Minho laughed as he sticks out his forearm, a brow raised in your direction. Music being played by the live band had been spilling out of the ballroom; the voices of everyone attending gave the ball more life. It was exciting.

"Minho!" Seungmin had called. Felix, who had slipped from your side the moment Minho approached you, was standing by Seungmin, smiling brightly. He had been hyping you up the entire night, telling you that there should be nothing to worry about.

He was right.

"Shall we?" Minho asked. It was cheesy, but it worked.

"We shall."

Hope you enjoyed it! A like would be appreciated <3

[rodeo-boots]

Idk who all you write for--but I see your requests are open, and I'd love some Hosea x reader (gender neutral or female) and maybe some nsfw? I'm open to anything, be it vanilla to kink--write what you want! Or, if you dont write hosea, maybe you could write some for Javier x reader? Anything at all 💙💙💙 I love your work!

I've written Hosea for the first time here, so hopefully I could do him justice. Thanks for the request, I hope you'll like the result!

Rating: Explicit

Words: 2065

AO3

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"What are you reading there?" You stepped closer, your head tilted in curiosity, approaching Hosea where he sat at the table. It was still early morning, the chill not yet gone from the air, the rich scent of coffee spreading from Pearson's wagon.

"Oh, Good Morning." Hosea looked up at you, a kind smile shaping on his face as you placed a hand upon his shoulder to peer over it. "Actually, it's Notre-Dame de Paris, written by a French-man."

You quirked a brow, sitting down on the table-top in front of him. "Is it in French?"

A nod. Your curiosity spiked further.

"You can speak French?" Now, whatever sleepiness might've clouded your brain was gone for good, your stare trained on Hosea in expectancy of an answer.

The man chuckled, closing the book and putting it down on the table, almost sheepishly reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "Well, you learn some things travelin' as much as we did," he explained, though it was clear that wouldn't diminish your amazement. As far as you knew, neither Dutch nor Arthur had picked up any foreign languages on their way here.

"I picked up some words here and there, and before I knew it, I got through an entire book of these funny words." He patted the novel upon the table, crossing his legs when he leaned back.

"You surprise me every day," you spoke, hearing him chuckle yet again, looking up to catch the subtle shake of his head. You risked a glance into the book, flipping through a couple of pages, though the words upon the paper made little sense to you. "Could you teach me?" You asked, finding his stare once more. "It looks like nonsense now, but it'd probably be fun... learning a new language."

His eyes grew gentle, Hosea placing his hand over yours to squeeze it. You've noticed before, how cold his palms used to feel these days, but he wouldn't take your concern. "Later, my dear," he promised you, running his thumb over your knuckles. "First, we got work to do." And with that, he nudged you in encouragement, pushing himself off the chair in the next moment to start into the day.

After fleeing from Blackwater as sudden as you had to, most of your and the other's belongings had to be left behind. You could only guess that most things you have once held dear were now in the hands of Pinkertons, possibly scattered all around your former campsite and destroyed. But there had been no time to grief before. And what mattered now was that you got back onto your legs, the entire gang left in disarray after your previous hopes had been shut down so swiftly.

You didn't hate working, had no problem putting in the extra effort to make this camp into as much of a home as could be. It was only a faint hope, staying here for longer than a couple weeks a time, but at the moment, it was what you had left to hold onto, and with Dutch's certainty about his plans, who were you to raise your voice?

The day drew to an end before you knew it, the hay bales you had moved to the horses for the evening barely visible to your eyes by now. With a soft exhale, you reached up to wipe sweat from your brow, glad that the cold couldn't bother you much with all the exercise you've done.

Footsteps behind you alerted you of someone's presence, your head turning in time to focus on Hosea. A smile shaped upon your lips.

You still remembered the promise he had spoken in the morning hours, certain that with the day now done, you had plenty of time for a good language lesson.

"Excusez-moj, chèrie," he spoke sweetly, guiding his arms around your waist from behind, not planning to startle you in the slightest. He smiled against your neck, holding you close and gentle, the little hairs standing at attention upon your skin. "I don't mean to keep you from your tasks," he added, still keeping his arms in place. Although clearly, you had no issue with that.

"I'm all done here," you answered, leaning back in his embrace, placing your own hands above his on your front. "But I don't know how much knowledge I can absorb just now." A soft laugh escaped your lips, head tilting to find Hosea's gaze briefly. "Today's work has worn me out, I must say."

He hummed lightly, thoughtfully. "Now, what could we do about that?" His words drove heat to your cheeks, the sound of his voice reverberating through your entire being. You knew what he was alluding to, always able to decipher when he got into this very special mood.

"I reckon you'd still like a lesson, n'est-ce pas?" A shiver ran down your spine, your throat suddenly feeling rather dry. You nodded either way, eager to see where he was planning to take this.

Hosea released you, casting a look over his shoulder in contemplation, aware that John had taken his guarding post not too far from your location. "Not here," he said, gently taking your arm to lead you back into camp, your brow quirking when he gestured for John's tent.

"What would he say to that?" You chuckled, entering it still. After all the years you've known Hosea, he's constantly shown himself as more adventurous than a glance at him might indicate, keeping you on your toes with everything he came up with. This site surely wasn't the most outlandish you've loved one another in.

"I've given it to him, so I can use it should the need arise," Hosea answered easily, closing the tent flaps behind you. "Besides, he won't ever have to know," the man added, cupping your cheeks in his hands to bring you close for a kiss, a sigh slipping past your lips at his passionate movements.

Everything happened in a blur after the initial touch of your lips, clothing falling to the floor as Hosea led you towards the bed, shedding the fabric upon his frame just as well. You plopped down on the cot with a shaky laugh, trying to catch his lips again, though he got to his knees in front of you instead, peering up at you with ardor glinting in his eyes.

"You gonna speak French between my legs?" You giggled, your voice playful and cocky. It seemed to pique his interest.

"If that is what you so desire," he answered, cold palms running up the sides of your thighs, encouraging you to spread them for him in the next moment.

You bit down on your lower lip, your eyes glued to your sweetheart upon his knees, hands slipping into his short hair. A warm gust of air was what you felt first, as he leaned down, teasing you by kissing a trail up your thigh, moving on to the other one whilst pointedly ignoring your aching middle. "Hosea," you couldn't keep yourself from whining, fingers tightening in his hair.

He shushed you softly, glancing up at your face for a second before returning to his ministrations, the muscles in your stomach rippling the closer he got to your core. "Please–" your voice cut off into a soft moan, the sound entirely satisfied with his lips finding their target, kissing right where you needed to be kissed. Your eyes fluttered shut on their own, laying back to let Hosea work his magic, the sounds from your lips turning higher and sweeter with every precise swirl of his tongue.

Hosea used his fingers with equal precision, gently working you open around him, poking and prodding at all the spots that heightened your pleasure.

Could you speak any French, you would've encouraged him in the language he's taught himself, but alas, all that left your mouth were coos and mewls. You were melting beneath him, certain that there was no way for you to endure much longer, the pleasure within your core becoming unbearable to handle. "Darling, I'm gonna--" you warned him, the sound of your voice met with the sensations stopping altogether, a groan rumbling through your chest in frustration.

As much as you didn't want this moment to come to an end, you've been close just now– impossibly so, throwing an arm over your eyes when Hosea crawled over you. The breath still rang shakily through your lungs, your eyes not yet meeting his when he kissed his way up your body, running his palms over your sides until your skin perked up with goosebumps.

"Ne désespère pas," he whispered, mouthing his way up to your ear for his words to resound through you, another soft whine leaving your lips. Hosea pushed the arm away from your eyes, kissing the back of your hand before he entangled his fingers with your own. "Hello there," he smiled at you, your eyes peeking open to return the gesture in kind.

"Are you ready for more?" He asked softly, caressing your cheek with his free hand, his stomach resting in between your legs, a shift of your hips enough to offer you some much needed friction.

"S-Sí." You had tried, at least, to show him that you knew some words yourself.

Hosea chuckled gently, his thumb running over your jaw. "That would be Spanish," he pointed out, though there was no mocking edge to his tone, a breathless laugh leaving your own lips at the realization.

He kissed you once more, squeezing your fingers before getting to his legs, pulling your hips to the edge of the cot. His eyes found yours when he pushed inside, his own lips parting at the feeling of your tight walls around him.

Your legs found their way around his hips, settling there as if it were the only place for them to be, your breaths rattling in your chest. Hosea gave you time to adjust, careful and considerate as always, reaching down between your legs to touch you softly, purposefully keeping his ministrations brief and teasing.

"If only you'd know how good you're feelin'," he muttered, looking down at you as if he beheld a masterpiece, though to him, that was just what you were. "My beautiful darling."

He started moving slowly, rolling his hips for his cock to move deeper into you, drawing back and letting you feel his entire length with the next thrust forward. You moaned, grasping for his hands again to link your fingers, needing something to hold onto when he quickened his pace.

Soon enough, the sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the tent, possibly filtering through the thin walls as well, though neither of you held much of a care for that. You rocked back against his every movement, getting lost in the ardor surrounding you as your nails dug into the back of his hand. "Hosea–" his name was a mantra upon your lips by now, repeated like a prayer, with every time sounding more desperate than the last.

You were getting close all over again, feeling your orgasm build in your loins, your spine curving in an attempt to receive more friction at your sex. "Please, make me cum." He had to be getting close himself, thrusts turning more hurried and sloppy, his own voice raising in clear enjoyment.

"Of course, my dear," he stuttered only the slightest bit, reaching down to pleasure you as you had wished, angling his hips just right to hit that sweet spot within you. "Go'head," he encouraged, continuously fucking into you as the motions of his hand quickened, intended to drive you over the edge and beyond.

"Je veux vous entendre," he grunted, the sound of his French sending you spiraling out of control, your walls pulsating around him as your orgasm hit you like a train.

You cried out in delight, tossing your head back as he spent himself inside of you, driven to fulfillment by the feeling of you coming around him. He panted, propping his arms up on either side of your head as the pleasant aftershocks raked his body, his cock sporadically twitching inside of you.

Eventually, Hosea pulled out of you, sinking onto the cot by your side, his chest rising and falling as he gradually caught his breath. "Now that wasn't what I had planned for today's lesson."