#i'm trying to take away lessons this year has given me and use them moving forward

[cerbreus]

what it feels like to come to realizations about yourself that give u a path forward to the person you wanna be.

[doberbutts]

Out of curiosity, how to you get your dog to target just the padded part of the target, and not like, an unprotected leg? Like, obviously training, but what does that look like at the beginning? Thanks!

So from the very beginning, most dogs are taught to bite on the toy completely separately from being attached to any human. With Fenris, this was a strip of sheepskin (we call it the bunny)

Once he learned the game with the "bunny" darting back and forth for him to chase, he was given a more difficult toy which is mostly a strip of burlap or canvas

And then once he was biting hard enough to not let go when tugging on it to try and get it away from the decoy, he was moved to a pillow tug

This is a little harder to bite, and he needs to actually put real pressure on it to keep it when the decoy tries to take it back. It also teaches him to try to center his bite instead of drift off to one side or the other.

The (leg) sleeve is hard to hold in the same way, so at that point it had to go at least partially over the decoy's arm. By now he's so used to biting the offered toy that he has really no thought about going after the unprotected bits, because he's had a solid year of "hey you see this thing? Bite the thing and not me please".

When switching to the full leg sleeve, the decoy will usually present it to the dog initially in the form of a low kick, so the dog can see and understand where and what to bite. These photos skip a step- that's coming in my queue later- which was the leg sleeve on the leg but no suit pants. This photo is a modified leg sleeve over suit pants, so he can still "win" the sleeve.

The decoy working him in suit pants prefers the pants because sometimes in their excitement to bite the leg, the dogs can go a bit high (Fenris had some trouble with that, see here)

And an uninhibited full mouth dog bite to the knee or lower thigh is, um, unpleasant to say the least, so this decoy prefers to wear pants once the dogs are on leg bites. The first day of this seminar, a malinois that is not yet on pants went a bit high and left some heart-stopping slobber marks just left of the man's genitals. He was in shorts at the time, and apparently wasn't wearing a cup, so there's a discussion of risk to the decoy to be had too.

However, young and inexperienced dogs like Fenris and that malinois need the ability to win, or to tear the sleeve off of the decoy's body and parade around with it a little. You have to understand, for these dogs, biting is the most rewarding thing ever of all time for them. So asking the dog to let go and recall away from the bite can sometimes be interpreted by the dog as a punisher, making it so that either A: the dog no longer bites as well because they are expecting to be called off or B: the dog stops recalling because fuck you biting is fun. Neither of these are good options, so in the interim we've modified a leg sleeve to go over the suit pants so these green dogs can still get their win until they have enough experience to not risk those outcomes.

Obviously, as said, dogs can still miss, which is what the full suit is for. This is the picture the dog sees once it's time to compete.

At that point the only unprotected places are the hands and the head, which the dog should NEVER be targeting in the first place. The decoy also moves in a specific way to present various avenues for the dog to bite in the way the decoy wants the dog to bite, but that's a lesson on decoying that I'm really not qualified to give lol. However, that also means that even if the dog doesn't target the offered places, the decoy is still safe because the suit takes the majority of the bite.

Which means the dog can bite the leg, the arm, the chest, the back, the ass, or yes, even the family jewels themselves and the decoy is still protected. It should be noted that these are a mixture of mondio and French ring, PSA, and actual police dogs being pictured here.

This is also a little different from Schutzhund, now called IGP, in which the dog only ever bites the forearm. This is the only option that the dog is ever presented once the dog progresses similarly off the tugs and straps of cloth and "bunny", and so this is the most padded place on the decoy's body (in IGP they're called helpers). Not to say that no dog tries a snap elsewhere to see what might happen, but it's heavily discouraged.

[blowflyfag]

Pro Wrestling Illustrated: November 1996

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS!

Exclusively for the readers of PRO WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED, WWF World champion Shawn Michaels and WCW World champion The Giant offer their slant on the dream match that will never be. Enjoy it. It's as close as we’re going to get to what would be the Match of the Century!

HOW I WOULD BEAT SHAWN MICHAELS

By The Giant

I try to have respect for all my opponents, but I find it hard. Anyone who steps into the ring with me must think he has a chance of winning, as if he’s that stupid, how can I respect him?

If Shawn Micahels thinks he can beat me, well…

Okay, I’ll give him the credit that anyone in this sport deserves. If you’re brave enough to get in that ring–I don’t care who you’re wrestling–face it, you’re putting your life on the line. All those guys who have wrestled me, I tried to have a little sympathy for them, but once that bell rings, I’m gonna do what I'm gonna do. They’re not going to tell Mark McGwire to bunt, are they? Of course not. I’m The Giant, and I go for a home run every time I step up to the plate. 

Shawn Michaels? He’s goof–no better than a lot of guys I’ve faced–but good. He’s got a lot of experience. He’s also got a lot of heart. He’s the kind of guy that just won't give up. He had a goal, and he wouldn’t allow himself to stop short of it. That says something about what’s inside him.

Physically, were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, of course. He’s an average-sized man with good strength and excellent speed; I’m The Giant, the most powerful man in the history of the sport, plus I have agility and speed that no man my size has ever before displayed. I’m to wrestling what Magic Johnson was to basketball. Nobody ever saw a 6’9” point guard until Magic came along. He could do it all offensively, and there wasn’t another point guard in the world who could stop him. That would be Shawn Michaels: bewildered by my moves, my speed, my leaping ability. Heck, if he wants to play me one-on-one in basketball, I'm available for that too!

One thing Michaels has going for him is a devastating finishing maneuver, the superkick. He can be trailing in a match and turn it around in an instant with that move. I'd use a lateral movement to take that weapon away, though considering our height differential, I’m not sure how effective it could be against me, anyway.

Most guys who are as fast as Michaels automatically assume that big men can’t possibly keep up with them, and I’d turn that misconception to my advantage. From the outset,, I’d move slowly and methodically, luring him into thinking I’m a big lumbering and one-dimensional. I know that he’d try to keep out of my reach, but eventually that fans would start screaming for him to do something, and probably against his better judgment, he would move in. Once there, he’d be mine!

Believe me, there is nothing a guy weighing 225 [actually 234] pounds can do to stop my attack. As soon as he made that initial mistake of moving out of his defensive mode, I’d grab him, give him a wrestling lesson, chokeslam him, and that would be it. I’d punish him for even considering taking this match in the first place!

[The Giant thinks that if he remained very patient against Shawn Michaels, he’d eventually force Shawn into a foolish move. Once that happened, he says, he’d destroy Michaels, the same way he has destroyed Sting and many others.]

Look, I don’t want to say anything bad about anybody else in this sport. Like I said earlier, if you’re man enough to step into that ring in the first place, you should be given the respect a man deserves. But I've been in this sport for almost a year now, and I haven’t come across an opponent who can even make be break a sweat yet. Nobody’s gonna tell me that Shawn Michaels would be the first.

HOW I WOULD BEAT THE GIANT 

By Shawn Michaels

First thing, I don’t make a habit of boasting about who I could beat, but I’m also not one to avoid a direct question. If you want to know how I would do against The Giant, I’ll tell you, and I'll hold nothing back. 

Would I wrestle The Giant? I’d take on anyone, if they had the guts and talent to become a WWF wrestler. 

Would I be intimidated by The Giant? I’m not intimidated by anyone or anything! 

Would I beat The Giant? If I didn’t believe that I could beat any man, I would be embarrassed to wear the WWF World championship belt. 

When I look across the ring, I don’t see the size of a man. I don’t care whether he’s 6-feet, 7-feet, or 8-feet. Wrestling is not about size; it’s about preparation. When most people think of preparation, they immediately think of learning how to apply holds and execute maneuvers, about gym work, lifting weights, sparring. That’s all important, but to really be special in this sport–maybe any sport or any aspect of life, for that matter–you have to be prepared to react instantly to situations as they arise.

It’s one thing to be able to apply a leglock or to even know a counter to that leglock. What are you going to do if you’ve been trained to break a hold in a particular way, using a particular muscle, and that muscle has either been exhausted or injured? Do you have a plan B or a plan C? Are you smart enough, collected enough, intuitive enough to develop a new plan right then and there?

Shawn Micahels can. Few others in the history of the sport have. The Giant? His record is spotless. He’s manhandled everybody who's crossed his path. That’s great , isn’t it? Not really. “The Heartbreak Kid” would be able to do things in the ring against The Giant react to adversity? That’s really an unanswered question.

I do know that a wrestler doesn’t want his first taste of adversity against me. Once I've seemed uncertainty in a wrestler, he’s in deep, deep trouble. I’ll capitalize on that and just make it worse and worse for him.

[Negate The Giant’s size advantage and methodically bring him down–that’s what Shawn Michaels would do if he wrestled the WCW World champ. He doesn’t think The Giant has ever stepped into the ring with anyone quite like him.]

I know there are people who will say that a good big man will beat a good little man every time. If both wrestlers are at the same level in every regard, and the only difference was size, I’d agree with that statement. In real life, it never works that way. I would be foolish to underestimate any opponent, especially one with such obvious physical gifts, but The Giant is stepping up to a different class of athlete when he gets in there with Shawn Michaels. Too many of The Giant’s opponent freeze up when they see how big he is, and in that instant he simply grabs them and finishes them with a choke-slam. That wouldn’t happen to me. I’d dart in and out, strike and retreat, and eventually impose my will. His confidence would be down so low. In his mind he would see me as being bigger than he is. Once I see the look in his eye that he has mentally thrown in the towel, I’d hit him in the chin with  a superkick and cover him for the pin.

If The Giant wants to wrestle “The Heartbreak Kid,” my advice to him is to wait about three or four years. A loss of this magnitude at this stage of his career could be devastation.

[pbandjesse]

I felt pretty good today. And that was good! Because I wanted to end camp on a good note. And now camp is over, and the off season begins!

I slept alright last night. I woke up twice a little disoriented and uncomfortable. But I was able to sleep pretty well outside of that. Waking up was really tough. And my body ached really bad.

But I was doing alright. James got me a bagel for breakfast. Which I would have preferred more toasted but it was still good. James gave me lots of hugs and sent me off to work with good vibes for the last day of camp.

And it was a good time. I got there at 8. I ate half of my bagel while driving. And when I got to camp I was glad that no one was parked in my spot. Tony had been yesterday (thought he moved by 9 and apologized haha) but my spot on front of the building was just like me like it should be.

I would set up and spent some time sweeping and continuing cleaning up and getting ready for the season to be over. I would slowly work through things all day. But I felt good about the space. Really what I need to focus on next is going to be going through Native American field trip stuff so that everything is set for the school year. A task I am dreading but will get done. Probably on Thursday.

My groups today were good. They made good art. I was running low on quite a few colors of felt but the kids made due. And we're mostly self sufficient and so I worked on my knitting and enjoyed chatting and helping them cut their felt. I would show them fabric cutting techniques (use the armpit of the scissors, use small movements, take your time) but if they were still struggling I asked that they draw out the shape before asking me to help cut things because I am not a mind reader and didn't want to mess up their ideas. They would find this funny but it saved me a ton of frustration trying to get them to use their words to describe what they wanted.

I would work on some tasks during lunch. I had my cereal. And went to get check lists for cleaning from the office. Checked in with people about gathering materials from all the new programs spaces. I won't have time tomorrow because I'm helping with a field trip/rental for most of the day. But everyone has been on board and that's just really excellent.

My afternoon was just two day camp groups. Who were very sweet. They would help me clean up. And we're mainly good. Thought one child washed s ton of my hot glue just making a melted mountain and I wasn't happy. But after I spoke to him he stopped and understand why I didn't want him to do that. We learn and we grow.

My last group do the day helped me clean really well. I gave out smiley stickers to those who were helping. Which always makes them help more. I always act like it's the biggest deal to get a sticker so they are really sweet trying hard. And then I told them thank you for being a good last group. And then they said goodbye.

I spent most of the next hour cleaning. Throwing stuff out. Packing things away. Was doing good. And eventually I would take a walk to drop off my check lists. Callie ran up behind me and I was really happy to see her. We walked around together to the different specialties and dropped things off and said hello to people. It was nice.

I would keep cleaning for a bit. Signed some tshirts for friends. Took a few minutes to knit and sip water and have a small snack. And then off to the office for a meeting.

We were meeting about tomorrow's rental. 200 ublaw students coming for team building and diversity training. I am only slightly nervous because I haven't done team building in a while. But it's only two blocks of 45 minutes so I'm not to worried. I want to look over the lessons beforehand but I am sure it'll come back to me. More of the worry is that it's supposed to storm really bad in the morning. But hopefully it just passes us by and it's not a big deal.

We are going to be given breakfast and lunch tomorrow which I'm excited about. And we decided on the Kelly green camp shirt. But I didn't know where mine was. So I would have to go search peeps mill. And thankfully that's where it was. And the day was saved.

I would go home soon after that. And got back home at 5. I was happy that James was already home. And getting ready to host their parents.

We set up the backyard and made it cute. James made burgers and stuff. And once we were set up I would lay on the couch until they rang the door bell.

It was really nice to see them. They brought salmon and James grilled that too. We also had water melon which was great. And I was just really enjoying the company. They told us about their trip and work and friends.

James would make burgers (and a veggie chicken sandwich for me which was very very spicy) and we had great conversations and after dinner James made crepes for dessert which were excellent. I love my husband. They do such a good job making food.

Anne got to learn that there's a fig tree behind our fence. So she would go over there with a container and got a dozen beautiful figs. She loves figs so that was super sweet. I am glad she got to get so many!

Me and Tucker chatted for a while. He tried cottage cheese for the first time and really liked it. And I said my dad always eats it with pineapple but I've never tried it. Jess prefers it as a savory thing. It's for sure catching on.

They would head home soon after that. Which was for the best, as my stomach started hurting again. Me and James would lay on the couch, just both very very tired. It was a long day!

Now we are in bed. James is dozing. I am winding down. It was a long day. But I'm happy.

And because things just keep going. Tomorrow I go back to camp for camp clean up and the ublaw rental. I have to be home by 430 but I will do my best to help outside of that. And then I have a few days off. To hopefully just rest and chill.

I hope you all have a great night. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[deke-rivers-1957]

ECU High - Deke's Adventure

Deke Rivers Warner just received his driver's permit during the summer. His foster father, Walter Warner, started teaching him how to drive his old 1996 Chevy Impala. It might not be the newest car, or even a fancy car, but Deke has a fondness for it.

He slowly pulls up to a parking space as Mr. Warner guides him. "You're doing good, Deke. Just keep moving in slowly. A little more. And stop. There you go. You parked right in between the lines".

Deke smiles a little. "Thanks. Dad" he says hesitantly. Even though he's been adopted by the Warners a couple years ago, Deke is still trying to get used to calling them his parents. He just can't comprehend that after spending most of his childhood in an orphanage, just barely not getting adopted for so many years, he finally found a home. He has no memory of his real parents and even though the Warners have been nothing but loving, he just can't help but wonder why he was given up as a baby.

"That was a good lesson about parking in a crowded lot, Deke. I'll teach you how to back out of the parking space after school. You can drive us home so you can get your hour for the week. How does that sound?", Mr. Warner asks.

Deke nods. "Yeah. That sounds good."

Mr. Warner gets in the driver's seat as Deke gets out. "Now don't be nervous about your first day of school. I know that it can be stressful trying to find your classes, but think of it as an adventure."

Deke knows that he's trying to be as supportive of possible and tries to smile. "Thanks. I'll try to do that."

Mr. Warner starts to wave and back out of the parking space. "I'll see ya after school, son."

Deke lifts a hand up in acknowledgement and Mr Warner drives away.

Deke starts walking through the parking lot to get to the front door. Suddenly, a slightly used Maserati pulls in right where Deke was standing.

"Watch it, Louis! Ya almost hit me." Deke yells as Louis' mom is holding on for dear life.

"He's right, Louis. I know you're excited about having this car, but you're still on your permit." Mrs. Jackson nervously explains.

Louis turns red. "Sorry ma. I know ya get all nervous when I'm trying to park with people behind me. I tried to make a quick left so I didn't block traffic."

Mrs. Jackson hands him his backpack and says "I believe you. Just try to be more careful."

She kisses his cheek as he gets out and goes into the driver's seat.

"I know ma. I'll see ya later," Louis says as she drives away.

Deke's looking at someone as Louis walks up to him.

"Hey Louis. Who's that blond guy near the door?" Deke asks looking confused.

Louis looks too and shrugs saying "I don't know, Deke. Looks like Jodie. Sure don't dress like him though."

The blond turns and walks up to them asking, "Do ya fellers know where Ah can find the gym? Ah jus moved here so Ah dunno mah way 'round."

Deke and Louis look at each other before Louis speaks up.

"Are you a sophomore? I got gym for my first period too. I'll show ya round."

The new boy smiles, shaking his hand. "Thank ya. Mah name's Toby Kwimper. Wha's yer name?"

Louis looks at Toby saying "I'm Louis and this is Deke."

Just as Toby's about to leave with Louis, one of the teacher's arrives.

"Toby, come with me. I'm going to take you to the office where we can finalize your schedule."

Toby looks at him confused saying, "But Ah'll be late fer class."

The teacher shakes his head.

"You don't need to worry about that. Someone in the office will be sure to write you a note. If you're late to class, that note will excuse you."

Toby nods slowly. "Yessir." He looks at Deke and Louis before leaving with the teacher. "Nice meetin ya fellers."

As soon as he goes inside, Deke turns to Louis.

"Louis. I think he's one of them special needs types."

Louis nods.

"Yeah. Something about him makes me think the same way. Maybe it's because he had his mouth open and a blank look."

Deke just sighs as the bell rings. "Listen. I gotta get to chemistry. I'll see you later."

Louis lifts his arm up.

"You too, man. Keep an eye out on Tulsa."

Deke rolls his eyes as he walks away going, "Oh god. Don't get me started on that jerk."

Louis just laughs and head over to gym class.

Deke goes inside and walks over to his new locker in the sophomore wing. He notices a boy pining over a girl. "Who's it this time, Rusty?"

Rusty looks at Deke with a lovestruck look.

"This is different dude. She's the girl of my dreams. And she's a senior who just got her braces off. No one else noticed but me so I think I have a good chance with her."

Deke just pats his shoulder. "Good luck with that."

Deke puts his afternoon books in his locker and closes it.

"Oh hi, Deke. Isn't it a lovely day?"

Deke turns to see who's talking to him.

"What do you want from me, Walter?"

His nice act drops and looks Deke right in the eye saying, "Better play ball, Deke. I could get you shining my shoes in a heartbeat. Could sure use the money for that old beater of yours."

He goes back to the nice act when he sees a teacher walking by. "I mean, I do know your loving foster parents have been struggling financially. If you like, I can help you out easily."

Deke waits for the teacher to walk out of earshot.

"I ain't a shoeshiner for anyone. My family and I make do without your help. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chemistry." He adds a sarcastic line. "Is that alright with you? Sir?"

Walter looks shocked but just walks away.

Deke groans and rolls his eyes as he goes down the hall to chemistry.

"Walter or Tulsa?"

Deke looks up and says, "Hey Johnny. Just Walter today. Though if we're lucky we can avoid Tulsa."

"Now why would you do that, guys?"

Johnny curses as Deke sees Tulsa behind him.

"Ain't it a little early to be wearing the sash, Tulsa?"

Tulsa smiles. "It's a privilege to wear a hall monitor's sash. The teachers and staff respect me. Lost freshmen rely on me so they won't be late for their first class. Isn't that a reward in of itself?"

Deke and Johnny just walk away.

"Johnny it ain't even 1st period and I'm already getting sick of everyone." Deke says annoyed.

Johnny pats his shoulder. "Yeah it's strange how everyone's got something up their crawl today. Least the new kid in our year's gonna be interesting."

Deke stops. "Ya met, Toby?"

Johnny nods saying "Yeah, he just came outta the office with his schedule. He asked me where his math class was then went off on a tangent bout having trouble with multiplication."

Deke sighs.

"Louis and I saw him earlier. Seems nice but real light upstairs. We said he looked like one of those handicapped kids that just gotta learn the basics to survive. Kinda sad, but nothing either of us can do about it."

Deke and Johnny continue to talk until they split off to their classes. As soon as Deke sits down in his chemistry class he looks around to see that he's in that class with Walter and Tulsa. He thinks to himself, "I have a feeling. That this adventure isn't gonna be good at all."

AN: Thank you for supporting this series. If you want to be added to the tag list, please leave a like, reblog or comment.

Tag list: @vintagepresley, @jaqueline19997, @presley72elvis, @vintagegirl50s60s70s80s, @j-v-9-2, @lawdymissclawdy68, @almightybigbrain, @arrolyn1114, @tupelomiss, @thetaoofzoe, @mydarlingelvis, @phil2135561 @just-another-boring-bisexual, @leopardandstuds, @ellie-24, @heart-of-ep, @thatbanditqueen, @gayforelvis, @be-my-ally, @xanatenshi,@alienelvisobsession, @mercsandmonsters, @ashtag6887, @whitepontiac, @richardslady121, @aliengoth3, @ash-omalley, and @eptodaytommorwforever,. 

[heard-nsfw-is-back]

Im still sick as hell so here's some comfort Ghost x Soap. Some are cute and funny some are horny and gross. Have fun

Johnny was good at being sick. He went to the doctor and made sure to drink water and get plenty of rest. He even changed the bedding after to make sure he didn't sleep in germs. Simon was A BITCH^tm I'm talking full on grabby hands, refuses to go to the doctor, genuinely cries for soup. "I'm dying Johnny, finish me off." "Simon just go back to sleep. You're not dying." Hates when Johnny bring medicine from the pharmacy because he will force the medicine down his throat. "Take the medicine baby boy, you'll feel better I promise." Simon breaks down crying "No it's nasty." "You're a war criminal why is cherry flavored liquid what does you in?"

Simon takes cooking lessons when he can and loves to feed Johnny. Loves to spoil him with a full meal and the best paired drink he can get his hands on.

Being on the run is hard for them both. They fight more often than not these days. Ghost with his tendency to keep going till he drops and ZERO ability to use a word to describe his emotions ever, Johnny with his need to talk it out as it's happening and not letting anything go until it's broken down to Itty bitty pieces. Hours after they fight and walk off, they're already missing each other like air and will make a beeline and collapse in to each other.

They pass a gun shop that also sells sex toys and if that isn't exactly what does it for them, nothing will. Simon finds out he's a size queen and Johnny loves exploring their kinks. It's fantastic. Simon loves being called daddy and Johnny doesn't hate it but Simon loves being called 'baby boy' even more and "fuck me just like that baby. Yes fuck you're so good, so big. My pretty baby boy." Simon has to count by three just to Keep It Together.

They both hate cleaning and will absolutely have professionals come in once a week. They justify it by claiming it's better than leaving the dishes and laundry all over the place. It's absolutely because they have fucked up doing laundry before and Simon will not vacuum. Ever.

Johnny got his period a day early and ruined his 5th favorite pair of underwear. Simon had to rock him back and forth. This man was Inconsolable. Simon offered to buy him a new pair. Johnny was offended. "How actually dare you. They were perfectly worn in. The 7 year old jeans of underwear." "You have jeans that are seven years old?" Johnny just fell back dramatically and sighed.

Simon had a lock box that he tried to keep away from Johnny. Which meant the day after they moved in together he found it. At first he shrugged it off, if anyone understood the need for privacy it was him. But curiosity and insecurities crept up and he asked about it. "Please don't ask about this. It's the one thing I'm actually ashamed of." A few days later Johnny asked about it again. "Fine. You need to know so bad? Open it. If you can open it, you can have it. But you'll see me as a different man." Johnny cupped Simon's cheek. "No I won't." He broke the masterlock and saw magazine cut outs and comic strips and dad joke books. "Don't look at me like that MacTavish." Johnny covered his mouth trying to hold back his laugh but failed and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. Simon looking up to the sky for any god's help.

Getting on T was hard for a military man but joining the 141, he was given the best medical care the government could give. One person from his old station made fun of the stubble that was growing on Johnny's chin. Ghost knocked his jaw clean off.

I have stumbled on trans Johnny MacTavish and I have to say fuck yes dude. I also have no idea how transitioning in the military works. Even less the British military.

[vegaseatsass]

GAP the Series ep 4 thoughts (spoilers!!)

Every episode is genuinely better than the one before. Laura agrees w/ me so you know it's true!! Bless this show.

I think Sam's little "maybe I'm becoming your fan" joke was her actually funniest one yet. She's still just too happy about the "Mon's my fan" reveal. Fan4fan 🥺

Learning that Kirk barely scratched the surface with his Sam codebreaking lessons, and actually Sam's just full Opposite Day with expressing feelings, because she learned to deny herself of any wants and repress everything away at such a young age, is an absolute gift of a character detail. I def want to go back and rewatch the first three episodes now that we know this about her LOL

It's also such a fun reveal that Sam really is that boring and work-obsessed, and the humanizing details Mon's soaked up from interviews are all FAKE. I bought into the cultivated personality Kade created for Sam too, into the belief that by following her public persona Mon had access to a side of Sam her coworkers didn't, and that really kind of is how idol culture feels? You're so sure you're seeing a truth that the less devoted or observant are missing. Now Mon's devoted observational skills are paying dividends, and honing her into the ultimate Sam whisperer, but via what she sees with her own eyes, not what she could pick up from afar from magazines or Instagram!

idk I have a lot of thoughts about Mon-as-fan and how safe that's made it for her to spend ages 10-22 in love with a woman. The protective artifice and distance of the fan relationship goes both ways yk? I've done it the other way - where being a fangirl of men helped me feel straight without having to confront how I felt around men IRL - but Mon has been having these intensely sensual fantasies about Sam since episode one, yet I really think she mentally handwaves them as fangirl stuff, not trying-to-smash stuff. "I would make a move if I were a man" was such a clearly thoughtless comment and it intrigues me. If Sam had said DO IT, COWARD! do you think Mon would be able to do it??? Would instinct and a decade of want take over, or would her self-knowledge kind of shake apart around her as a startling (if veryyyy obvious) Truth becomes clear: She doesn't just idolize Sam, she wants her carnally Just genuinely don't know that Mon's ever looked at what it means about Mon to like Sam the way she does. Idolizing Sam has given her grounding joy and purpose for 12 years, and she hasn't had time to worry about things like boyfriends if she wanted to make it into Sam's venerable company. What's there to question? It's just a fascinating and very real depiction of how heteronormativity can keep us from seeing the incredibly, brazenly obvious. Every week I get a little more excited for how it's going to look when this woman who has been crazy in love since she was 10 actually fully realizes that she is IN LOVE in love.

Love that Sam's friends were like "Mon we are going to break it down for you. Sam 👏 is 👏a 👏 bottom. Here is how to care for her." It takes a village to raise a useless lesbian, truly. Can't decide if I think Sam's a sub top or a dom bottom but it's just incredibly cute that she's been a bossy weirdo who desperately needs help socializing since she was tiny, and these three women/recovering bullies have taken on the noble task of guiding her through her chaotic dom bottom (this is where I'm landing for now ok) instincts.

When Sam was ordering the chef around with no self-insight that he was uncomfortable 😂 felt like a little window into her management style lmao

Tee is hilarious. All of them are hilarious but I'm feeling particular gratitude for Tee. CANNOT WAIT FOR TEE/YUKI BAYBEE

Ep 1, Ep 2, Ep 3

[bettsfic]

Hey Betts! What are some of the techniques of character, pacing, and conflict that you picked up from brba and bcs that you have integrated into your own writing? Would love some examples, if you wanted to expand on that!

so i wrote some initial cursory thoughts a couple years ago but i have had many more since then.

character/conflict

the biggest lesson i've taken from brba and bcs is the power of character choice.

i don't know how exactly i internalized the rule that you have to *force* your character to act, that if they had to choose between conflict and harmony, they'd always choose harmony because that's the more rational decision. so you box them into corners, put pressure on them, make them move. there are so many stories i've stalled out on because i was trying to figure out a way for the external conflict to pressure my character into acting, as if that's the only reason characters will do something interesting and potentially irrational. not to mention, crafting something like that just sucks. it's hard for my brain to think in that kind of logic. i'm much more interested in characters doing batshit things because they're driven to, and they can quit but they don't.

if your story exists only to build character, then there really is no external conflict. your character makes their own fate. and if your character is strong enough, the consequences of their decisions make the story. peace and harmony is always waiting for them, and they never take it.

it's easy to think of gus fring as an antagonist, but it's walter who remains on the offensive, and gus is the one defending himself. but he's defending himself with a lot more firepower at his disposal and so walt thinks he's the poor little meow meow of the situation.

at any point in brba, walt could simply stop doing what he's doing, walk away from it, and nothing would happen. he'd return to his nice house with his happy family and there would be no consequences whatsoever. but he keeps pushing and pushing, because he's driven to be the Best at something. and because he's an asshole.

in bcs, character choices are compounded because jimmy, kim, nacho, and mike are the protagonists. nacho begins the story by working with tuco, but then goes behind tuco's back to start dealing on the side. not only does he earn the salamancas' ire, but gus's too, because to gus, nacho has committed the greatest sin, the ultimate dishonor: biting the hand that feeds you. not to mention the whole trying-to-kill-hector thing. that really sealed his fate.

(nacho is a very interesting character to me because we ally with him the same way we do with jesse, except in introducing nacho, who is with the salamacas but not a salamanca himself, we have a complicating force within the salamanca family, rather than them just being the bad guys, which would be too easy.)

((god i love nacho. talk about a blorbo from my shows.))

mike gets to a point in the plot where he's laundering his own money back to himself through madrigal, and then he gets bored and shows up one day and starts poking around in security stuff, which gets gus's attention, and that's how he gets roped into being gus fring's right hand man. he could have just stayed home and hung out with his granddaughter, but noooo, he had to go Do Stuff.

kim and jimmy are both given so many outs, but they're both addicted to the grift. jimmy getting stranded in the desert? that's not lalo's doing. jimmy had to *beg* lalo to let him go pick up the 7 mil. jimmy is like walt in that we're supposed to believe he's the little guy, he's down on his luck, we're rooting for him to succeed, but he's just too deep into being a con man. the big difference between jimmy and walt is that jimmy tries to be good. but walt only ever wants to win. in the last episode, we see jimmy and walt in the vacuum guy's basement, and it's a really wonderful moment that feels intentionally metatextual, in that it's asking us to look at the differences between them as protagonists. watching it, i get the sense it's maybe the scene that either gould or gilligan had in mind to inspire the show, the thing to work up to. get jimmy mcgill and walter white in a room together (in their underwear, because it's not a brba show if there isn't a middle-aged man in his underwear at least once an episode) talking about philosophy. and walt says, "so you've always been like this." he's saying, "i fell, but you've always been stuck at the bottom."

another difference is that walt acts selfishly almost always, but jimmy is often acting on behalf of kim and vice versa. on a second watch, i noticed that *every single time* anyone said anything bad about jimmy to kim, they immediately put themselves in her crosshairs and she was motivated to destroy them. kim wexler is far and away the best character in the brba universe, maybe one of the best characters on television. it's so thrilling for me to see a female character who is so fucking feral for her husband she's willing to burn the world for him. there are so many times she physically stands between jimmy and the conflict. over and over again, she chooses him. she admires him and loves him when the rest of the world doesn't. and so it's agonizing when she leaves.

the trick to making a story wholly character-driven, and the reason it's so hard to pull off, is because your characters need to be interesting and developed enough that their shitty decisions are believable.

ever since i started reframing character/conflict that way--character AS conflict, not as separate things--i think my stories have gotten a lot more interesting and nuanced.

pacing

seasons 1 through 4 of brba, standing alone, are a pretty good show. it's season 5 that elevates it, because it's what i call a victory lap. like, they did it, they won a bunch of awards, people love it, now it's the final season, they're going all out and having a good time. and then *all* of bcs is a victory lap. it takes its time. it goes everywhere it wants to go. it feels like nothing is restrained or restricted from us. every little detail accounted for. and el camino does it too, it's a character-focused story that takes its time. i'm particularly drawn to the pacing of el camino because of how contained it is. i can't explain it exactly, but i've always loved stories that have a smooth, slow build up and a payoff and nothing else.

what's really brilliant about this universe is that every character succeeds in their mission. all of them! and the story continues and follows the characters through the consequences of that success. because the characters are so interesting and complicated, their success is complicated too. even lalo succeeds in his mission. he finds the laundry business. he tells hector. but don eladio doesn't believe hector, and don eladio is so well built that we believe it. he's totally aware of gus's revenge plot, but it's so far beneath him it's not worth his time.

i first noticed the success arcs in brba, in the scene where skyler takes walt to the storage unit of money, and she's like, there's no way to count it. no way to spend it. i just make sure the bugs don't eat it. as a banker, i was stunned by this scene, because media never acknowledges the fact that cash in large quantities is nearly impossible to manage. any time you deposit over $10k of cash in a bank in a single 24 hour period, a report gets sent to the FBI. so i loved that the show addressed the reality of cash profit. and on a metaphorical note, it's a great way to see, tangibly, that walter white has won.

by the end of season 4, walt has everything. he's in remission from cancer, he's wealthy, he's made the greatest meth the world has ever seen, he hasn't lost his family, and no one is more powerful than him. the only one who can defeat him is himself. most stories end there, the character getting what they're looking for and everything is great and we've returned to a state of harmony. but when your characters are as messy as these, it's never that simple.

while watching bcs, i actually got pretty mad at my roommate because he's like, "it's season 5 and nothing has happened." and when i said that's not true, he argued with me, and i was like, what you're noticing is a steady escalation of conflict rather than episodic conflict, which is rare for tv to do, considering most shows are fighting for each new season. we're used to seeing each episode of something have a conflict, rising action culminating into a climax. and then we see that reproduced in a larger way across an entire season, every season. but bcs is just one long, seamless story, with no major breaking points until the very end. and that's amazing. throw away the acts. the key turning points. the stages. the story is just all one thing, characters fucking around and finding out.

initially, watching season 6 as it was airing, i was disappointed by the ending. partly this is because i didn't remember any of what happened in the first 5 seasons and so i'd forgotten a lot of the context. partly it was because i was wrongly comparing it to the brba finale. but watching bcs in full a second time, i think the ending is really brilliant, because it completes jimmy's character arc. in the end, he's not saul goodman but jimmy mcgill, and he makes the right choice. all the characters in these shows are so well established and the plot honors them so well. there's so much patience and maturity here, and they also still manage to be funny too. i'm just in awe of them. they inspire me so much.

it's so rare that a piece of media is both genuinely good and widely loved. for the most part, i'm just grateful these shows exist and that i can learn from them and apply the craft concepts to my own work. but a little part of me is envious that i'll never be able to write something that well or that patiently.

[samieree]

Born in Flames || Game of Thrones

OC x ?😏

-> Chapter IV "Flames"

Chapter V ''I'll take what is mine''

"What are you going to do about it now, Maegelle?" Selaria asked Visenya.

The girl was moved to another chamber until the effects of the fire will be removed in her previous one. She was just sitting on the bed, on which the dragon was moving clumsily. She was staring at him - or her? She had no idea - smiling. She felt as if she had been given new hope.

"This "thing" has a name." she replied, stretching out her hand to the dragon, and it immediately climbed on it, cuddling to her. "Maelia." she added after a moment's thought. "Similar to your mother's name." Vis nodded, still paying attention to the dragon. True, she decided to name him, or her - Guess she'll just assume it's her - after her mother, but she had no intention of lamenting her fate and the fact that she never got to know her parents for the rest of her life.

In recent years she was very... Depressed. She preferred to submit rather than try to fight what happened to her.

Everyone can be broken.

Fact. But she herself contributed to being broken.

She still remembered that day. She had just had a lesson with Septa, she was an eleven-year-old girl at the time, but she wasn't stupid. She still caused a little trouble, and the septa shouted at her more than once for it.

She told her to name the Great Houses of Westeros, and still called her that insufferable name "Maegelle"...

As usual, she decided to spite her. As soon as the septa pointed to King's Landing, she beautifully recited: "House Targaryen. Sigil: A red, three-headed dragon on a black background. Words: Fire and Blood."

She didn't even have to look at the septa to see that she was very angry. What word did she love to use? Oh yes, irreformable.

A short but unpleasant dialogue quickly broke out between them.

"Wrong. House Baratheon of King's Landing. Tell the rest." the girl remained silent, her eyes focused on the table with the map. "I'm talking to you, Maegelle!"

"But you shouldn't! My name is not Maegelle, but Visenya! Visenya of House Targaryen, princess of the Seven Kingdoms and...!" she didn't finish because the woman hit her in the face with a thin stick that she had previously used to show her places on the map. "How dare you...!" she was hit the second time.

"Everything wrong. You are Maegelle. Courtesy of Lord Tywin, you are alive and living in Casterly Rock. And thanks to this same kindness, you will get married someday."

"What kind of kindness is that? You murdered my mother, father and siblings! You make me dye my hair and call me some strange name that I don't even like! It's a prison, not kindness!" Septa hit her again, only this time not with a stick, but with an open hand in the face.

Visenya already knew that the idea to get rid of the septa, which had been in her head for some time, had a chance of succeeding.

She took a knife from the kitchen from the pocket she had sewn into her dress. Slowly and carefully, so that the woman wouldn't notice, she ran the blade across her hand and part of her forearm, under the sleeve of her dress.

"Repeat, Maegelle..." this time it was Vis who had had enough. She didn't even let the septa finish that sentence, she just spat at her.

And then the tide changed. The septa hit her so hard that the girl fell off the bench and onto the ground. At that moment, she decided it was time to try and implement her plan to get rid of the annoying teacher.

"Help, she wants to kill me! King Robert sent her to get rid of me!" she started screaming and crying, moving away from the septa, still on the ground.

"You little..." the woman only then realized how wrong she was doing by hitting her. "What have you got there?" she saw a knife in the girl's hand, which she quickly snatched away. She wanted to leave quickly and report Visenya's behavior, maybe even to Lord Tywin himself, who ordered her to study, but she didn't have time.

Vis knew full well that someone would hear her screams. She even suspected who.

She noticed that Ser Jaime was currently in the keep. He was supposed to leave back to King's Landing in a few days, but he was still here.

He had already defended her from Robert himself once, when, unaware of the king's visit to Casterly Rock, she wanted to go down to the courtyard. It's true that he simply covered her and took her out of there, but still - he defended her.

Now she was counting on the same thing and she didn't miscalculate.

Additionally, on her side, her cheek was red from the blows of the Septa, and blood from a fresh wound was still flowing down her hand. A self-inflicted wound from the knife the septa was currently holding.

So when Jaime burst into the chamber, alerted by Visenya's screams, the situation was clear to him. Septa was holding a knife, standing over a defenseless girl, crying, with blood all over her hand.

It was obvious how he would react. He didn't even let the septa explain herself, he just drew his sword and killed her.

He had to admit, he had always had a soft spot for that poor girl. She reminded him a bit of his brother, in how lonely she was. She didn't really have anyone to support her, so... Guess he wanted to become that kind of person, a support for her. To be the same person he was to his brother, except... Well, it worked a little differently. They weren't family.

Visenya was then convinced that she could get away with everything. That she has already managed to manipulate the situation to her advantage once, so she will be able to do it in the future, also successfully.

But...

Well, Tywin Lannister didn't have the same approach to the situation as his eldest son. He guessed that it was Visenya who provoked this situation. Deep down, he admired that such a young girl was able to turn everything to her advantage so well, even hurting herself on purpose to achieve it.

Of course he never said it out loud.

Instead, he treated Vis very harshly, punishing her severely. Over time, she pushed most of these memories from her mind, but still not all of them. Whenever she thought about that period of her life, she shuddered. From that moment on, she was afraid to disobey, afraid of what Tywin Lannister might do.

Besides, Jaime himself was also upset that he was stupid enough to be manipulated by a child. But coming back... she won't recall those terrible memories anymore when they still chill her blood.

"We can't stay here, not now." she turned to Selaria again, this time looking in her direction.

"What choice do we have? Nobody will let us leave." here she had to admit Selaria was right, but she had no intention of giving up.

If life already gave her hope, in the form of this little being in her arms, she had to take it. She couldn't give up, she needed to reach deep inside herself again and find the Visenya who was not afraid to act, who was not easily broken. Who remembered who she was, thanks to Selaria's stories about her family.

"Maybe we can escape, with a little help..." an idea began to form in her head.

"Ser Barristan?"

"I'm afraid he took advantage of all the turmoil during the attack on the capital and then left... But maybe we could write to him and ask him to arrange a ship for us?" she asked. They won't forbid them to do that, send a letter, will they?

"Even so, how will we get to it? We can't leave the castle on our own, there's always at least one guard with us." true, it could have been a small problem... Although... Maybe not.

"Don't worry, I already have an idea." and she'll need Ser Jaime for this... If he really has any feelings for her, this could be the moment to use them. No matter how cruel it is to play with someone's feelings.

They were much crueler towards her and her family. Is wanting to escape and live on her own terms such a crime? Is it so much that she wants this little dragon in her arms to be safe? Selaria, looking at the silver-haired woman, regretted very much that her old friend and the woman she had previously served couldn't see how her daughter had grown up. Maybe she inherited her appearance entirely from the Targaryens, but she saw in her the unbreakable spirit of the Martells. Maybe over the years she seemed to have lost all fighting spirit, maybe she had been obedient for most of her life... But they didn't break her, not completely.

She remembered the times when Visenya was not yet born, she remembered the time spent with Elia... She may have been her servant, but she was also her close friend. She was always with her, holding her hand during difficult labors. She perfectly remembered the Maester's words after the birth of Aegon - Vis's younger, long-dead brother - that Elia would most likely never have children again due to her health condition.

But less than a year after that announcement, Elia was pregnant again.

This was the third and last birth she helped with with her presence. Visenya's birth.

She even remembered why the girl was named "Visenya". As she was born during the siege of the capital, this name after the warrior queen, sister-wife of Aegon the Conqueror, not only had a good connotation, but also gave a certain... Hope.

Although the girl seemed weak from birth and was sick a lot during her childhood, Selaria saw her take her first steps and learn to speak.

Every day, as she looked at this little girl - now a woman - she thanked the gods for listening to her prayers and thanked her brother for using the magic he had sworn to turn away from and saved her from death.

What she didn't know was that this magic also had an influence on the girl to this day. Something had changed in her, she was different.

She lived like in slavery, without power and without family, but she lived. Everything could still be rebuilt.

She taught her everything they didn't want to tell her. She talked about her family, about who she really was, and secretly brought books that the little girl had asked for so that she could learn High Valyrian - she had wanted it ever since she heard that this language was learned in her family.

"You are very much like your parents, Visenya." she said to her in a whisper, sitting down next to her and grabbing her hand. "Not just in appearance. Even now, when you're living the best you can... They would definitely be proud of you." in that short moment of silence, when Vis felt moved by these words of her maid, her friend, another thought came to her mind.

"Maybe... Dorne could help us somehow? After all, I am Oberyn and Doran's niece."

"You think they never tried? I had heard about it, rumors were spreading quickly around Casterly Rock." she sighed quietly, shifting her gaze to the dragon in Visenya's arms. "Lord Tywin always found some reason to keep you."

"But if I manage to escape from here, and maybe one day even try to claim the throne... They would support me, right?" Selaria looked straight into Visenya's purple eyes, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

"Certainly." ~

-> Chapter VI "Letter" -> general masterlist -> Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon masterlist

[themagikmirror]

Sharing A Piece of My Cancer Profection Year (so far) . . .

I read Sidereal Birth Charts. I learned how to do this in 2020 through studying, observing and application. Sidereal Astrology has simply become a language for me to decode and translate many things into plain and simple words. I don't have to do the most complex calculations to see divine messages. It's just a God-sent talent, that I've developed of course, but it's somewhat natural at this point. So every year we go through profections in our birth chart. Profections are the divisions or degrees of which your entire birth chart is divided into ; aka the houses. This means whatever the sign of that house/division of your birth chart is in for the given calendar year (or really year of age) : themes/lessons/blessings and karmic events will occur all related to this sign. Think of the house and zodiac sign as being the "main character" that year. This year I am experiencing a Cancer Profection and I wanted to share some thoughts that aren't just provoked by what I'm experiencing, but my full acceptance of living as a divine mirror.

I usually try to refrain from oversharing because people like to lurk my pages and either mock me or use things against me in shady ways lmaooo buuuttt It's really baffling how we can all get lost in someone else's light-- being seen the same way as someone else sees/projects themselves to be. To the point where we can definitely lose a sense of self through too much mirroring (consciously or not). It's nice to see yourself reflected in others at times (even when they could be unaware or resistant to their influence by you). It's also nice to be the mirror that others need too (when it's positive), but it's also nice to just know yourself internally without HAVING to see it mirrored back. I find it so nice when people can just be themselves without having to see it reflected in you. I've always appreciated that, but even more now.

It's exhausting when someone is constantly mimicking or mirroring your every move due to codependency, self doubts & insecurities. I've met so many people as a young adult that are easily influenced, programmed & insecure that they will abandon their best parts to be like someone else. I want to scream this to people :

I don't need to engage with 10 versions of me, I need to engage with YOU!!!! JUST YOU!!! Not an alternative me...

So many people get LOST in being interpretations and improvisations of someone else. I know this is a way to find your true self, but damn.

I've always had intentions, even if it seemed I was borrowing/copying mimicking or mirroring someone, to do things my way... cuz like I'm way too creative to just not be myself! It's just so weird when I see other people being their interpretation of me instead of them! And I think maybe it's because, at times, people forget what makes them unique in the presence of another's light. It's like that little flash thing they put in people's face on Men in Black. Someone's else light should not make you forget/abandon who you are. Of course we can learn and be inspired, but don't forget yourself. I have to also acknowledge that some people never really knew they had a "self" to begin with because they've spent years doubting their truth and taking on things that they're not. I am glad that I never forgot what makes me so unique. I'm glad I've managed to keep those things alive in me my entire life and no one else's opinions, projections or influence could completely bring me away from me. One day I wanna go in depth, talk about Rabbit Holes... but like.. that's what can happen when you spend too much time reflecting other people's light. You can actually lose sight of yourself & get caught in their rabbit hole. before you know it, you're not even yourself anymore. The trick of being a divine mirror is that I know my own influence, my own reflection like the back of my hand. No one has to point out my reflection and my influence to me. I am almost always aware of it. Although reflectiveness is a blessing the hardest part about being a living & divine mirror is those who chose to engage with me will either never/hardly see the true me until they are able to more fully see themselves. Which makes me invisible. Self Awareness starts by getting acquainted with your own reflection. You have to know who/how you are and how you look from as many angles as possible. Then you can show up in fullness, not fragments.

Then you are not seeking out a mirror in everyone you meet.

And then.... you can actually see people for THEMSELVES and not a way to search for more of YOU.

You then can also become a true mirror to others because you have a stronger sense of self.

People in my life have often times functioned as road openers for me, creating new ideas & pathways I didn't fully consider prior, but I never gave anyone that much credit & authority over me. I never completely lost myself in anyone/anything because I always knew the difference. Between (me) , what was God-given and a birthright if you will versus a result of communal & relational influences.

This is one of the works I'd love to dive deeper into with the Magik Mirror. I want to help people with the process of remembering & seeing themselves (more) fully. In turn, maybe I too can be seen and appreciated for who I actually am and not the reflections that are bounced off of me 🪞💖✨

🪞Deep dive into your reflection, your memory, your self by watching my 2024 content on Facebook & booking a Full Moon Reading there as well!

[letscrywolff]

The more I think back, the more I realize the relationship you were afraid of never existed.

You catastrophized a working relationship into failure.

You said you left because you felt pushed - but the moment you said that, I immediately disproved it by reminding you that you told me this is what you wanted, you had a heads up I was serious - and back then you emphatically insisted you were too - and that you voluntarily walked alongside me towards the very thing you claim to have been pushed toward.

You probably *felt* restricted, and *felt* boxed in. E, all I ever wanted was a commitment that you'd still show up. I have long known your struggles with indecision and how crippling it truly is - we've talked about it explicitly even. I always wanted to ADD to your life, not take away from it. I wasn't looking to take away your autonomy. I genuinely don't know why you actually left. I just can't help but *feel* that you left because you imagined all the worst case scenarios, despite no evidence that would be the case existing in all reality.

I mean, your reasons never hold up against reality. Basing everything on your feelings will always lead to disaster in the end because they always change. The only relationship that works is the one you make work. You should be choosing a partner based on more than just ever-changing feelings. Because it obviously felt right until it didn't. Those feelings have come and gone how many times now? With more than just me too. At some point, you have to acknowledge that and realize relying on your feelings hasn't worked out. Because there SHOULD be more to choosing a partner than just how they make you feel at any given moment. You should consider who the person you're with is, not just the moment by moment feelings. Which can easily be influenced by things like YOUR feelings of being pressured.

That pressure didn't fundamentally change me or how you feel about me. That pressure didn't take all the good things about me and us and make them bad. That pressure wasn't bad either - it was just scary. I did not appreciate or realize just how visceral the fear you had about taking the next step was. I am sorry I did not understand - in all fairness, you did not make it all that apparent. I thought you came back into this knowing that you wanted to be with me, based on our extensive conversations about it. About moving in together, about living a life together, and all the history we have - and talking about all those things over the years. Every time we were together it seemed you were happy, and always looking forward to more. You'd always stay longer than you expected... I know there is a huge difference between theory and practice, but I really thought you were ready to at least try this time. Try meaning, not just give up and run away - but speak up about what's bothering you and speak honestly and clearly because you want to make this work. That you want our love to last.

When you agreed to bring your dog over... I thought you did that in good faith. A few days before you did, I sent you a message, giving you the opportunity to change plans and to depressurize things. As the days got closer to your move in, I felt like you would bail and I wanted to prevent it any way possible. I wanted you to know I was willing to work with you. That we weren't locked into anything. I tried opening the dialogue. I really appreciate that you brought her and tried - I'm glad things worked out. You'd even gotten me anxious about it. But once our dogs met it was actually really harmonious. It was all worse in imagination than in reality and that has long been a running theme. And I know those fears exist for a reason. They're based on your past experience. But does this not show that basing your past experiences in one situation doesn't mean that it will be the same in a new one? I feel like I proved this in so many ways, so many times over the years but the lesson never seemed to stick. You were resolute in your fears, and they truly have clouded your view of us. It's why you're gone as far as I'm concerned.

You wished it would be easier... but it was easy. What part of any of that ended up being difficult? I literally cannot remember any "hard" part.

"I feel like I can picture it already lol"

This is a microcosm for the biggest issue in our relationship: Your imagination. You were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always hypervigilant in finding fault or how things would fail in advance. Always finding a reason to be scared of the future.

Be afraid. Do it anyways.

What's the worst that happens? We fail? Isn't it better to try, and find out, than to never risk success at all by not even trying? At that point, we would have at least LEARNED something. In this case, we learned that the dogs were fine together - but the bigger lesson was that the months of anxiety that created this "picture" for you were entirely all in your head and just another layer of fear that interfered with your ability to enjoy and embrace the growth of our relationship, because it acted as a source of potential stress that gave you pause anytime you approached the idea.

Simply put: If you expect bad things, your brain will look for confirmation of those bad things, and filter out all the good.

I even poked fun at your constant catastrophizing when you said you feel like you could picture it already. That really did and always has worried me, because you always took on a negative starting point, and that always put me on the defensive to have to overcome it instead of a neutral starting point and then adjusting based on what happens. Basically every big thing we had to tackle, like how our dogs would integrate, the entire focus could never just be on the problem, but also on managing your anxieties to reassure you that everything will be just fine. And it was. This was a regular occurrence with anything bordering on a “big” decision. Which yes is totally normal and fine, I also have concerns… but I have far more confidence that things will work out than anxieties that they won’t. There wasn’t a single thing regarding us that I had any anxiety over… other than how your anxiety might get the better of you and abruptly end everything between us. That’s something I have no control over, and can only influence through sheer confidence and blind enthusiasm. I truly believed in us so I always hoped that what we had would win out and be strong enough to overcome your worries. I feel like if we were purely rational, it would. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Your anxiety maneuvered it’s way into the pilot seat and flew us off course. The negative, catastrophizing thoughts won out.

So when you say you felt pushed, it's similar to me. It is a baseless negative view rooted in your anxieties, rather than the actual reality of what played out. I get that we can't help how we feel, but we can question the validity of those feelings.

I never meant to push you, I worked with you all along the way to ensure this is what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted us to succeed. I knew it would take both of us to achieve that. I never wanted to force anything between us, and honestly, it never did feel forced to me. I thought it was the same for you. My only goal was for us to finally break out of the cycle we've long been stuck in and finally get a chance to show you that we would have a beautiful life together. I never wanted to break the cycle the way you did - by losing one another. So you talk about being pushed, or forced... our failure feels forced to me. It feels unnatural to me. Being with you felt easy and you truly had me convinced it was for you too. Accepting that everything you said and showed me was a complete 180 from the truth has been disillusioning.

You don't even recognize that the feeling of being "pushed" is actually just the way your heightened fears manifest. You will FIND any excuse possible to latch onto and justify leaving a good thing because you're literally terrified of getting attached again and risking going through the hell of true, devastating heartbreak.

You are more afraid of falling in love and losing it than you are of falling in love and it working out.

Because every time it starts to happen "you remember and it hurts again"

But those memories were never ours.

What we lived out in our relationship never hurt you.

What's the worst you experienced while with me? What's the problem we couldn't fix?

You never exhausted all options before leaving. You never exhausted even one.

And the connection between us was clear as day and so was your happiness. Take a look at our pictures from the gardens. That was how you always looked while we were together. That was your default state. So why leave so abruptly and unexplained? Without a fight?

The only logical conclusion is you are afraid of what happens if you let this love happen. Because the last time you let it happen, you suffered for it, and suffered greatly at that.

No, it's quite clear that the problems you only voice once the relationship is over, and not while we're in it, never truly existed. Because when you look over the experience within the relationship, there was lots of laughter and no fights, there was lots of passion, and no withholding, there was lots of care, and no neglect, there was lots of support, and no belittling, there was lots of thoughtful gestures, and never forgetting, there were memories of the little things, and appreciation for the big things to come. There was hand-holding, not back turning. There were plans, and there were actions. There were agreements more than disagreements. There was openness instead of being closed off. I showed you commitment, stood by consistently through more than just the good, but the bad time and the tough ones too. I followed through on what I'd say. There was connection and it was easy. There was depth we both pursued in one another. There was love, never abuse.

So where does the fear come from?

It doesn't come from me.

It comes from within you.

The difference between how you feel vs how I made you feel is the difference between the relationship you were afraid of vs the relationship you actually experienced.

[havootu]

Lessons of the Week: Understanding and Feeling Emotions (Acceptance)

Words Considered (Given)

Peace vs Bordom 

"Is peace boring? Or is a mind without peace bored?"

ANSWER 

"Boredom is when a mind is deprived of stimulation. Peace is when a mind doesn't need stimulation." - Qura comment

Peace: - freedom from disturbance; tranquility.

a state of harmony between people or groups; freedom from strife. law and order within a state; absence of violence or other disturbance

Bored:- feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.

feeling tired and unhappy because something is not interesting or because you have nothing to do

• Radical self acceptance

Mother reveled the reason I often have issues with showing up as my full self, being afraid of what people might think is due to not fully accepting ALL of who I am . Understanding that the parts of who I am being a "good" or "bad" thing is only in my perspective. 

Goes back to not shrinking or being "humble" anymore. 

• Remembering my confidence

Naturally I'm a confident person, that in the past has come with the stigma of being "stuck up", or "intimidating" but it's not my job to appease anyone or make them feel comfortable. I am meant to be me and that's all. My natural energy is love and that comes through for those who get it. For others who are of low esteem, I'm not for them and it's none of my business. I was never made to shrink but stand out.

• Taking One Moment at a time

The mother says she is here to be of service to my deepest desires, she wants to see me flourish and serve my highest good.

My job is to make a decision on what I want and point. My job is not the who when where or how, expectancy.

Me expecting my truth and taking one moment at a time, small steps to that new truth, she is the magic that turns it real in my reality. She is here to serve me and I honor her by stepping into my purpose.

• Understanding that what I say to be true is true.

If I say things are hard then they are hard in my reality until I decide they are not. Asking the Mother to help me release and this old paradigm of everything is hard. It is a reality that I have created that I no longer want a part of. Release.

• On a more spiritual level 

I have been living on my own limited human power for years, trying to figure out why I'm so drained. I understand it is because I have not allowed the power of the mother into my life, so she can do the heavy lifting and I can live. Human power is limited because all of our spiritual energy cannot reside in this human vessel, all of that energy would kill us. Most of it is left out, so we can live more freely in this existence and our higher self guides our steps, source, the universal magic brings it into fruition.

• Understanding My Emotional Eating

Taking notice of my body....

I notice that when I feel stuck and don't know what to do and feel frustrated, I feel the urge to eat. This insatiable need to stuff down my feelings of uncertainty.

- I've been taking the time to try to analyze these feelings, and understand my role in what happens next.

- the mother has helped me to understand boundaries in a situation. No I cannot control what my next order price will be, but I can remember that, I live in bounty and excess and always get what I need.

- to trust myself and where I'm going, even and especially in the moments where I feel like I'm getting it wrong. Even in the moments where I feel like I'm shying away from something. It's a reason why I've decided to retreat or not move forward with an idea. It is because there's something in me that needs to be addressed before I take the next steps. 

- analyzing my thoughts going step by step to remember what's my role and what's her role in this situation.

Biggest Lesson Learned This Week

I often have felt weird that most things people get fulfillment from, I don't. I thought it was due to the depression and that is somewhat true but only a part of the answer. 

I realize that no things, no money, no place that I could go, or opportunity that I could have, no success, no praise, no person, no relationship or friendships, nothing in this world or outside of me will ever feel that empty hole. I realize that even my hobbies was an attempt to try and feel that empty hole, which is the reason I don't do them as much anymore. I realize they are not the fix.

The mother applauded me during this conversation saying you finally get it. There is nothing outside of you that could fill the emptiness that you've been feeling. There's nothing out there anyways everything is you.

All these years you have been looking for a greater and deeper relationship with you. You get it now so here's the gift. A gift of remembrance, full acceptance, and full self love. As you remember these things and during a time where your mind is busy and uncertain, go into your heart and feel that fullness of self. 

Relish in the silence, smile within yourself knowing that that's all you need was you. Let yourself be full remembering that all you have ever wanted and needed was you. That's the reason no one else or nothing else could get close or stay for long because you've been searching for you all these years.

*THANOS SNAP* 🤭

Final Thoughts

(I remember driving, and thinking to myself yes it feels great to help people but it's not fulfilling to me, It's just a fleeting thing. Everything every moment is a fleeting thing but the only thing that is still constant and always will be is me. I am the only constant in every situation. And if I'm okay with me even in the moments that I'm upset with me but I could still sit in my presence and love on me, That's the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced. I am the constant in this universe. I am the only thing in this universe, and everything else are reflections. As I feel empty the world feels empty, as I feel full the world feels full. The only thing that has ever mattered, that I've ever wanted was me, because I knew deep down that only me could satisfy me. Only me could fill me. Because I'm the only thing here!

That's an amazing feeling. And because I'm human it's something that I will have to remember in the moments where things feel empty, and why they feel empty, because they are all fleeting moments I am the only thing that is forever! )

Things To Work On

• Accepting blessings

• Allowing things to be, not controlling every moment. There is no solidity in the moment there is only me.

• Not being afraid of the unknown or my future. I can handle it.

• Procrastination due to uncertainty. Create moments of solidity in plans. (One verse, in the book per day. One task to complete per day

• Address the freeze moment, talk myself through each emotion and allow myself to feel them

• Allow myself to grieve the past self. She is worth my tears because she is special to me and did her best. Let myself cry or feel sad.

• Self-compassion and trusting myself in every moment, especially uncertain ones.

[girlonline22]

Hello everyone

Over the past year I've been looking into my past and it's not the pretty picture I had in my head. Why would it be life's not pretty. I've learnt a lot of truth about the past and the people in it. I strongly believe that people can change. If you given someone many chances to change and they keep showing you the same person they was before then that's there loss. Not yours, so don't beat yourself up about it and blame yourself. Sit and think 'I'm not the issue here' We don't need toxic people in our lives. I kept asking myself "why?" But no answers. Eventually I had to let it go or I'd be driven into this mind of battles and it would destroy me.

Sometimes the truth hurts. That's understandable. Behind closed doors no one knows what goes off. One thing I have learnt is you cannot let the past define who someone is today. Everyone has a story and sometimes there not what you want to hear. That's okay all that matters is who they are now. You cannot keep the past from what's happening in the present. You can either let the past go or let it eat you away. Life isn't easy we know that one. But it's what you do with what you know. Do you sit and let it ruin your present relationships or do you accept it and move forward in life? You can dwell on the past but it's not going to help you in the future. When you see what's been written about a loved one it takes time to process it. But think this. Do you really want to dwell on the past of who people were? Or would you rather focus on who people are today.

You cannot change the past and not everyone is perfect. I'm not perfect. And that's okay to admit. Don't ruin your relationships based on the past.

The past in unchangeable focus on what's going on right now, who you have now. It's okay wanting to know about your past and what happend but there's a time when you leave that information behind in order to move on in life. Start creating your own story. Parents have lived in the past. They experienced the good and the bad. Sometimes you might think there giving you a lecture but honestly they have your best interests at heart.They will tell you things and try guide you in the right direction because the reason behind this is they are telling you what they wished they knew at your age. They don't want you to make the same mistakes they did so listen and see what advice they are offering you. It might just take you by surprise. They just want you to have a better life. An easier life.

Someone once told me 'do as I say not as I do' and I live by that every day. The people that are closest to us are the ones that matter the most. It doesn't matter what's coming right at you it matter who you have behind you. They are your strongest supporters and want you to succeed in life. They will carry you through the dark and praise you in the light. But they will always be proud of you for fighting the tough battles and making it through each day. They are the important people in life. It always works both ways. You get what you give. I've learnt some though lessons in life. And I always will. You just got to think to yourself. 'I got this' and you will walk through life knowing that whatever comes your way. Your strong enough to get through it.

Just remeber the most important people will always have your back no matter what. They are worth holding on to. Don't let them go. There trying to help. You cannot fight battles alone.....

[the-firebird69]

Watch "10cc - I'm Not In Love" on YouTube

No this creep cant exist yeah he does he's one of the worst of you idiots but this is what your like, granted a lot of you don't do this kind of thing but you think stupid s*** like this. He killed his girlfriend and left to stay in the wall we shot her in the head and it's a breeze went all over and he covered with a painting after he wiped it off and she's still alive but without her brain she has a robotic brain that's what this fool is singing. Now I want him dead and ASAP and it's Tommy f

Hera

What a disgusting swine. I'm putting the hit on him, and he's been shooting at me in the past just a few years ago so we're going to shoot at him the same injuries until he's out

Zues

I hear my man and I love him and he's going to take care of this

Hera

It's nothing personal against you too it was an argument I had with a woman and she was too pushy and insisted that she told people so I took care of the issue and now she's obedient and I'm saying I'll make him obedient and he says thank you for saying something stupid like that and I don't understand it he says I will shortly so what's going on like this I sort of know the bath and I threatened it and it get hit and pretty soon I'll be out like he says probably should be that's as sick as it gets

Tommy f

Yeh your an animal and a dimented one. Women like to tell people if they found someone but you my friend are a dead pig because you abuse it your toy with them and then you kill them to have them do what you want and your new friend of mine and you never were you trying to attack me I'm going to kill you by hand just for the sheer pleasure of it

Zues

I noticed something you do you hate me he says who gives a s*** you don't have any feelings at all you remove them a long time ago you're just a homo I do get something a lot of people are calling me that you're nothing special tommy f all these cloners remove their heart too they just trash moving in the wind waiting to be ignited I sort of understand something it's kind of an attitude problem. It says I'm a pubescent f** and a w**** you're getting rid of my own people all the time and not feeling anywhere I just got no room for someone was just a piece of s*** I do follow something it's probably true but I don't want to put up with it anymore now it says he's hitting at all the people who are supposed to do stuff and I can watch him die he might fill the room up in the house up with heads so I can wake up encased with them says hes had this teams do that plenty of times. I did something too this man is so full of hatred for us he says no it's for you Tommy f and for people who demand themselves on purpose further than what they already are to try and do stuff and you have dead anyways faster it ain't worth it for humanity to keep people like you around and I'm starting to figure out something let's try to fight with him I'm just going to finish it he says why don't I try and eat my way out of the heads of my own men to escape now I don't want to be there I just want me to him and he says he says move go away you're just a stupid s*** routine and be happy to blow the smitherines... I sort of see something it's not entertained by a stupid shows watching a shoot each other here and there sitting here threatening him. He also says it's no lesson that we ever learned surround someone with heads they wake up and start screaming and need to be put down almost immediately so I'm starting to see something it's a distance and it's given it out plenty of times I don't believe him and I don't know what the hell's going on

Tommy

Won't save you lol ignorance ok Tommy f

Hera really I said it Zues

Now I see something you said I'm not going to do that yet to you but then I have to back off and I'm saying it's a retard that killed and it says you have to be s******* me. Yeah this is not a nice guy it's not something to bring home and tell your friends use your bud it's been acting that way, and he says he makes weapons that kill people not entertain people events other things but give me a break. So I know it's stupid and he says he has thousands of things he does to people to try and shut them the f****** and the idiots are chirping like little cable is 24/7 around him sitting there wiping your forces out taking everything you have and it won't shut the f****** I sort of get something we started a fight with him in a war with him and we're going to lose everything including Stone chips and he says thank you I forgot to put this out there

Tommy f

They are hardening and we mean some others and not just Trump the limestone that is in a similar area where the bridge is going it's not at the river it's one about 300 miles away when 200 and 1 350 mi away and all of them are kind of a different areas and they're all 200 miles plus away from the bridge and none of them are near the lay down area and they're hard to get down to test it and they're trying different methods below ground several of them say the results are stunning all of them say we got the method from Tommy f

Hera Zues I was saying this part Hera

We approved this message and tell me if you're a fruitcake we do millions of things like that and he's only got a few thousand because we've been doing to people like you for a long time and boy are you a slow piece of s*** and you people around it and forgotten who and what we are maybe you should tell people tell me if back off this is what they do for a living it's like those egotarians that you try to say you are on occasion in movies and it just doesn't come out right and it doesn't fit you and can't hold it it also old school and I have demons do stuff really it's sad what's going on here nobody cares what happens to themselves

Olympus

[danthropologie]

5sos wrote easy for you to say about Daniels mclaren era and I’ll not be convinced otherwise

funny you should say that cause i've been thinking about this and they actually wrote the ENTIRE album about him!! (source: my heart) let's break it down:

(under a cut cause it's EXTREMELY long)

complete mess - "you make me complete / you make me a complete mess" the love/hate relationship with his career. when it's good, you're on top of the world and it can make you feel whole, but when it's bad, like it's been has this year, it can be absolutely gutting and can even make it difficult not to think about everything you're giving up in order to live this lifestyle ("call it a lesson when I feel you slide away / and i'm missing out on half my life") easy for you to say - "i feel it in moments, a semblance of free / between all the gasping, i finally breathe / so I hold on so tightly in times that i see / someone with striking resemblance to me" like you said, very mclaren era. sort of losing yourself, looking back and thinking how it used to be so much easier, not really understanding how or why you got here. maybe also with some element of going through all this while also dealing with every pundit and armchair expert with a twitter account having an opinion on what he coulda, shoulda, woulda done, as if they know anything about what it's ACTUALLY like to be him ("easy for you to say / harder for me to take") bad omens - "heaven knows i should let go / it's nothing that i don't already know" "i'm still making sense of having nothing left to save" obviously this is daniel's relationship with mclaren and the way that time and time again this season, he's put in the work, he's given them everything he has, he's reaffirmed his commitment to them, but none of that matters if the other side isn't working in good faith too. and maybe he ignored some of the signs, but sometimes that's easier than 'giving up' and admitting the reality of the situation to yourself, especially when you want it to work SO badly me myself & i - "guess, i guess i got what i wanted / i never knew what i needed, leave it / up to me to fuck it up without a good reason / i know, i know that it was my own fault...all these broke hearts, but mine's the one bleeding" again, daniel and his career, but this time kind of looking back from where he is now at mclaren and admitting quietly to himself that maybe some of the choices he's made in the past (especially re:career moves) were stupid or selfish or not the best move, actually take my hand - "pick apart all of the pieces / well, i'm running out of time...you fall apart and redefine / what keeps you up at night" this one is generally a bit more nebulous for me, but in general, it's kind of that idea like...nothing will make you reevaluate your life and take stock of what matters like hitting rock bottom. who comes alongside you to support you? who will hold your hand through the valleys? who will be there in the good AND the bad? carousel - "i built it from the ground up just to watch me burn it down / i gotta keep the party going, ain't no fading out...I tried to keep my head above the ocean of my doubt / i'm feeling like a dreamer, don't you try to wake me now / my life's just a carousel spinning around / i'd pay again just to keep from stopping it now" obviously speaking to his career at the current moment where everything is in flux and he's just trying to figure out what's the best next move, what's the move that will keep him on the f1 rollercoaster and allow him to reach his long older - this is one of the few songs on the album i'd say ISN'T overtly about daniel*, but the mental, emotional, and spiritual damage i take after hearing them repeatedly sing "i don't wanna get older," especially after the previous song, is enough to make me think about daniel anyways :/ (and definitely do NOT under any circumstances think about it through the lens of daniel's career personified and him not wanting to leave her...) blender - "all the things you said in my head...nothing left, what a mess / oh my god, it never ends / now we're stressed and depressed / and we're going 'round again / in an еmotional blender" another mclaren era one, particularly this year. it seems like every race week for him this year has been just going around and around and around in circles of emotional turmoil from trying so hard to make it work and it just not happening—combined with people saying one thing to his face while doing another behind his back—and then having to KEEP doing that shit even after he's been effectively fired. it's a losing game, but he keeps trying so fucking hard to make it work anyways ("i'd die for you, i'd die for you, i'd die for you / i tried for you, i tried for you, i tried") caramel - "it used to be easy...a visceral feeling / that i can never leave behind" similar to easier for you, this feels like another one where he's looking back at his career and how much easier it used to be, but this time his career is personified as this person that can't even look him in the eye because of how far they've fallen from where they used to be. and similar to me myself & i, there's maybe also some element of being confronted with the choices that he himself made that got him to this place ("oh, you bring up the past, didn't ask, give me the know-how / (i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry)") best friends - "memories i hold to keep safe / and i lovе to love you, for god's sake / i got the best friends in this place / and i'm holding on" the blakes, the michaels, the scottys, the coreys, etc.....all the people that have his back and make him feel loved and supported even while he's going through hell bleach - "it's so hard to watch everything i want / (everything i was spinning down the drain)" there are probably a couple different ways to interpret this one, but for me, i like to think of it as daniel coming to terms with and letting go of his hopes to make it work with mclaren. there are probably still regrets, still things he wishes he could have done better, but ultimately he has to just let it go and keep letting it go until he can finally move on red line - this is one that feels like it's more on the shipping end of the spectrum, but i think there is some sort of interpretation here that's more self-reflective and focused on his relationship with himself in the wake of such a massive change like this whole mclaren ordeal, especially when it comes to these lines: "lonely hours cut me so deep / the only part that gives me hell / a secret weapon no one showed me / fall out of love, you lose yourself" "am I just waiting for my time to go?" emotions - "don't mind me, i'm just feeling kinda broken, kinda broken / if you need me, i'll be here with my emotions, my emotions" "i'm doing my best and i guess that's the best i can do / (where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong?)" mclaren era daniel, especially in the second half of the season, what more is there to say bloodhound - "i'm picking up the vibes all around / i'm dumb enough to drown it out...i'm living in the violet sounds / i'll kick it with the friends i've found / oh, i can't let it go" "we keep on dancing when the room is on fire" again, mclaren era daniel, making the best out of a shit situation. still laughing, still smiling, still showing up to the paddock every week in good spirits, almost to the point of it being a 'fuck you' to his circumstances tears! - "push my luck when I need it / sad, but what can i do? / burn the world to start over / blacking out in my room / wake me up when it's over" emotional turmoil! angst! everything is shit and sometimes you just want to numb the pain!

*there definitely is a maxiel (or [insert ship here], i guess) reading of the song, but that's not what this post is about so.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #40

previously...

Yuri

Hello, everyone! Yuri here (and Sango, because we all need more cuteness in our day).

It's been a while, hasn't it? Victor and I have actually been back in Mt. Komorebi for well over a month, which is quite frankly difficult to wrap my head around, now that I'm putting it into words. The truth is, neither of us has had much of a chance to record anything until now. There’s been too much going on.

Victor has already been in his first snowboarding competition of the season, in which he came second overall. He and Seiji will be travelling to Nagano this coming weekend for another competition. Unfortunately, I can't go with them because my father is going to be away too, and somebody has to watch my little sister and make sure she gets to her violin lesson and snowboarding lesson. Plus, on Saturday afternoon, Sango and I will be starting at dog school, where I'm sure I'll learn how to train myself as well as her.

I feel like we haven't had a break in the activity from the moment our flight landed, and I'm sure with Winterfest just around the corner, things aren't going to settle down much. I thought I'd better take the opportunity to give a proper update while I can. It's going to be a big one, so as Victor’s cousin Leo would say, you might want to buckle up.

I probably shouldn’t have been too astonished, but we returned to Mt. Komorebi to find even more chaos than when we left. I'll try to condense it down as much as I can, but there's a lot.

The very first thing I discovered was that Mama left for America a few days ahead of when she’d originally planned. I’d hoped I would get to see her one final time before she went, and I would have if she’d kept the schedule she’d told me about, but as it happened, Victor and I got back two days too late. Needless to say, I was very upset about it. At the time, I didn’t understand why she’d left early. I know now, thanks to my sister Yuki, but I’ll come around to that.

Yuki has been one of my main sources of news lately, or perhaps gossip would be a better word. She came to stay with us the first weekend we were back at home, and it was from her that I heard what was currently going on with Ren and our other sister, Hana. I had to get detailed information from other people, of course, but Yuki made sure Victor and I weren't caught off guard when the police and the kensatsu-kan — the public prosecutor — contacted us.

While we were away, Ren was officially charged with assault. He's already had a date in district court where, bafflingly, he pled not guilty. How he could possibly think he'll be acquitted is beyond my comprehension, given that there's a video which clearly shows everything that took place.

Because Ren entered a plea of not guilty, there's going to be a trial, and Victor will have to testify. He’s already terrified about it, and so am I. The trial won't be until the new year, but we’re not sure of the date yet. I just hope it's before we return to Canada for Victor's mom's wedding.

Yuki seemed slightly disappointed when she informed me that only Ren has to go to court. Hana wasn't charged with anything, although Yuki, our ten year old self-proclaimed legal expert, thought she should have been. From my point of view, Hana has enough problems without having to worry about criminal charges. Jail might be a better choice, though, considering the circumstances.

The other bit of news Yuki couldn't wait to share with me is that Hana is pregnant. Allegedly, Ren is the father, which likely shouldn't shock anyone.

Yuki said Papa hit the roof when he found out, and he gave Hana the choice either to stop seeing Ren or to leave. According to Yuki, Papa's ultimatum didn't go over well with our mother, and they had an argument about it, but he didn't retract it. Hana chose to move out, and both she and Ren are living with his parents. He used to have his own apartment and I wondered what'd happened to that, but I didn’t think Yuki would have any idea, so I didn’t bother to inquire.

Hana was supposed to have been going to America with our mother, but that's obviously not happening now.

As much of a sensational revelation as Hana's pregnancy was, my baby sister was not done dropping gossip bombshells. While I was still trying to absorb the news that I was going to be an uncle by next summer, she ventured, "And guess what else, Yuri?"

"I can't guess," I said. "You'd better tell me."

"Hana isn't the only one having a baby. Misaki is having one, too."

"What?" I blurted, not quite certain I'd heard correctly. Misaki Kojima is our parents' live-in housekeeper. I've had my suspicions for a while that our father has been having an affair with her, but this? This was not something I would've ever guessed in a million years. "Are you sure?"

"I'm totally sure," Yuki said. "Everybody in the whole neighbourhood probably knows, because Mama and Papa had a huge, loud argument about it. Then, Mama said she was changing her flight and leaving early because she couldn't stand to be under the same roof with him. She said she was going to Kyoto, to stay at Jushiro's house, and she'd get a flight from there. Then, she took all her stuff and got in her car and left."

"That's..." I began, but found that I had to stop and think about how to respond. "I never saw that coming."

"No one did," said Yuki.

"What's Misaki going to do?"

"I don't know. The next day, Papa told her she was fired, and she moved out the day after that. Now it's just me and Papa at the house," Yuki said, and then amended, "Well, just him right now, because I'm here with you and Victor."

"I think you should stay with me and Victor for a while," I said.

"How long? The whole time until Mama comes back?"

"No, but for more than just the weekend."

What she said next surprised me. "I really want to stay with you for more than the weekend, but I think I should go home. Papa shouldn't be alone. He's really sad, and I'm worried something could happen to him if I leave him for too long." She looked up at me, her expression earnest and serious. "I promised I'd look after him."

"Looking after Papa isn't your responsibility, Yuki," I said. "He's the parent. He's supposed to be looking after you."

"We can look after each other."

"His problems are too big for you to take care of," I told her. "He shouldn't expect that from you. It's not right."

"He doesn't expect it," Yuki said. "He told me the only thing he needs me to do is love him, and I do, even if nobody else in the whole world loves him any more."

"I love him," I said.

She gazed at me for several seconds, and then asked, "Do you really?"

"Did you think I didn't?"

"No," she said. "But I think Papa thinks that."

"Things between Papa and me are complicated. We may not get along, but that doesn't mean I don't love him," I said. "I don't like thinking about him being sad, but at the same time, it's really hard to have sympathy for someone who brings a lot of his problems on himself."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's not very nice to people."

"That's true, but sometimes I think he can't help it. I think he wants to be nice to people, but when he gets into one of his moods, he can't stop himself from being angry. What I really think is, he might be sick."

"Sick?" I echoed. "Like, with a mental illness?"

Yuki nodded. "Yeah, but I don't know for sure."

I mulled that over for a moment. Even though I've personally been living with anxiety for a long time, I can't say I know much about mental illness. If our father is ill, that might explain a lot, but it still doesn't excuse him from his poor choices and bad behaviour. As far as I know, most people living with a mental health condition are capable of being polite and gracious toward others.

"Maybe he is sick," I said. "But even so, that shouldn't stop him from doing the right things. He's not very good at keeping his promises or thinking about how his actions might hurt someone. That's not a great strategy for convincing people to like you and feel sorry for you when something bad happens."

"So, you don't feel sorry that he's lonely and sad?"

"I do, but I might feel more sorry for him if he was innocent. Besides, he might not be so lonely and sad if he hadn't cheated on Mama and gotten another woman pregnant," I said. Or if he'd show Victor some respect and if he'd stop treating me like I'm a disappointment and an inconvenience, I wanted to add, but didn't.

"But... he didn't do that," Yuki protested.

"How do you know?"

"Because he said so."

"Sometimes adults say things that aren't true, just to try and avoid more trouble," I said.

Yuki shook her head, adamantly reiterating her point. "He really didn't do it, Yuri. He was crying really hard after Mama left, and I overheard him saying it wasn't true, even though there was nobody else in the room with him. And the next day, he told Misaki that she had to tell Mama the truth because he doesn't want to lose the love of his life because of her."

"Okay," I said. I wasn’t comfortable continuing this line of conversation, and I hated that my baby sister ever had to witness anything this dramatic and awful, much less that she seemed to feel like she should take some sort of responsibility for fixing it. "Maybe he didn't do it, but regardless of whether he did or not, it’s not something you should be worrying about.”

“But, what if Mama doesn’t believe him? What if she never comes back?”

“She’ll come back,” I assured her.

“How do you know?”

“Because she cates about us,” I said. “Even if she decides not to come back for Papa, she’ll come back for us. She loves you more than anyone. She'd never abandon you."

That bit of reassurance was enough to satisfy her for the time being, and we were able to move on to other topics, but I knew she wouldn't be content with it for long. Yuki is an incredibly perceptive child, and she's intelligent and a thinker. Eventually, she'd want to have a deeper conversation about the situation with our parents, and I realized I'd need to be prepared.

I could envision a long discussion with Victor in the immediate future and, not for the first time, I was beyond grateful for him. I couldn't have gotten through most of the stressful and difficult things that have happened in my life over the past five years if it hadn't been for Victor. Honestly, I have no idea how I was coping before he came along and rescued me.

While I'm on the subject of Victor, his birthday was on the second of December. He's twenty-six now, and we're no longer in that magical part of the year where we're the same age. The next one in our friend group to turn twenty-six will be Takahiro, whose birthday is in January. Ellie will be twenty-six in April. Seiji and I won't mark that milestone until next autumn; September for me and October for him.

We had a little get-together for Victor's birthday. It wasn't elaborate, as parties go, but I baked a cake and everyone brought food to share, and we all had a good time. Victor's snowboarding friends Sakura and Takeshi came, and so did his boss, Tomiko. Seiji, Taka and Yuki rounded out our guest list.

I gave him wireless earbuds and a new snowboarding helmet. Maybe those aren't the most exciting presents, but he said they were exactly what he wanted. I wrote him a birthday note too, but I didn't give that to him at his party. That was a private gift.

I got him something else, but I'm saving it for Winterfest. All of you will find out what it is when he does. For now, it's a secret.

In other, completely unrelated news, Takahiro has a boyfriend. Lest you should get the impression that my family is the only one with drama, let me tell you how that happened.

Victor and I had only been back in Mt. Komorebi for slightly less than a week when we heard about the new man in Taka's life, and we heard in the most annoying way possible, I might add.

It was ridiculously early on a Monday morning, and we were still half asleep, or at least I was. Victor was wide awake. He's a natural morning person, and he'd probably been ready to start his day before I ever opened my eyes.

He was warm, and he was cuddling me in a way that made me think we were going to spend several hours in bed after we were both fully awake. I imagined us taking our time, since Monday is one of Victor's usual days off and neither of us had to be anywhere. One of his hands was under my shirt, not doing anything other than providing light, comforting pressure against my belly, but elsewhere he was busier. His lips brushed against the back of my neck, and he whispered. "I'm thinking about having something sweet for breakfast."

"Breakfast in bed?"

"Mm-hmm... Want to know what's on the menu?"

"Strawberry mochi," I said.

Victor laughed. "If that's what you think, then I guess I'll have to start calling you strawberry mochi."

"I wouldn't complain."

He slid his hand off my stomach and around to my side. I could feel his thumb under the waistband of my pyjama pants, and I wiggled a little bit, anticipating what he’d do next. I’ll confess, I wanted his hands all over me. I wanted him to kiss and touch me until I reached the outer limit of my tolerance, and then I wanted to work my own magic on him until he cried out my name like he did in our room at the hotel In Kyoto.

"Well," Victor said. "I think somebody's excited."

I had to admit that I was. I willingly let him slip my shirt off, and then lay there happily while he trailed his fingertips gently over my neck and chest and along the length of my arms. He paused to kiss my shoulder, right on top of my birthmark, and called it my 'beauty spot' like he always does.

I used to hate my birthmark. I always thought of it as nothing more than a disgusting dark patch that marred my otherwise flawless pale skin, and I often wished I didn't have it. Back in the beginning of our physical relationship, I never wanted Victor to touch it. but he kept insisting it was unique and beautiful, and would trace all around the edges of it with his fingers when we were in the bath or cuddling in bed. Eventually, I came to the decision that if he didn't think it made me ugly, than I shouldn't think of it that way either. I'm sure it must've required a lot of patience on his part to wait for me to see it the way he does, but I think the wait was worth it for both of us.

Anyway, we were right in the middle of thoroughly enjoying ourselves when Victor's phone rang. We looked at each other for half a second, and the unspoken question was, should we answer that?

Early morning calls aren't usually for good news or casual chats, and the silent consensus was that we couldn't ignore it. Sighing, Victor rolled over and grabbed his phone off the bedside table. I snuggled against his back so I wouldn't get cold, and also so I could eavesdrop.

Victor greeted the caller with a somewhat grumpy sounding, "Hello?"

It was Takahiro, and he was talking so fast that I doubted Victor was able to understand him. Victor's Japanese is excellent, but communicating in your second language over the phone is always more of a challenge, especially when the person you're talking to isn't speaking clearly or slowly enough.

It didn't take long for my suspicions about Victor's comprehension to be confirmed. I heard, "Hang on, Taka. I don't understand a word you're saying. Let me put you on speaker so Yuri can help."

The quick version of the story is that Taka wanted us to get up and come with him and Seiji to Kiyomatsu Point, to look for a lost fox, of all things. Taka explained that he'd rescued an injured man on the mountain the previous afternoon, and that the fox was his pet. Victor hadn't taken the idea of a pet fox very well, but nevertheless agreed to help look for it. I said I'd join them too, even though I would much rather have stayed with my deliciously warm husband in our cozy bed than go halfway up the freezing cold slope of Yukimatsu at the crack of dawn on some wild goose chase. Or fox hunt. Or whatever.

Once we were up on the mountain, that's when Taka unfolded the rest of the story for us. The man he'd rescued is named Fox Abbottsford, and he's a Canadian. like Victor. I wanted to laugh at the strange irony of a man named Fox having a pet fox, but I somehow managed to control myself.

The way Taka told it, he and Fox shared an instant attraction to each other. He was convinced it was love at first sight. Victor, Seiji and I were dubious, but in light of how things have developed over the past month, I may have to concede that we were wrong.

We found the fox that morning, by the way. Her name is Ruby. She's adorable.

I tried to persuade Victor that we should take her home with us and babysit her until Fox got out of the hospital, but he said no. Victor hardly ever says no to me. This time, however, he put his foot down. I have to say, I was more than a little disappointed at first, but his reasons made sense once he explained them. He didn't think it'd be safe for Sango and Rosie if we brought Ruby into the house.

Ruby is staying with Taka and Seiji. Taka has a dog as well, but Hyorinmaru is enormous and strong. He can protect himself if things start getting wild. My little Sango can barely defend herself against Rosie, our two-kilogram chihuahua, most of the time and always runs to me for protection. I would be absolutely distraught if anything happened to Sango, so in the end I wasn't as upset by Victor's decision as I might otherwise have been.

As for Fox, he's been staying with Taka's parents, which seems like the ideal situation for both him and Taka. Taka visits with him every day, and sometimes spends the night. They haven't been able to get out much, due to Fox's leg injury, but it sounds as if they've been coming up with plenty of ways to entertain themselves in any case. Taka talks about him nonstop, and he's a lot happier lately than I've seen him in a while.

Victor and I finally got to meet Fox tonight. Taka's parents invited us to a dinner party, along with Seiji, and Fox's friend Jin. Fox wasn't feeling up to having many visitors for the first little while, which I can understand, but now that he's ready to socialize again, I guess he and his host family came up with a plan that didn't require him to leave the house. I can only imagine the difficulty of navigating in winter with crutches. I think I'd want to invite people over to see me instead of trying to go out, too.

Big dinners at the Suzuki family's home are usually catered, but Fox somehow got Auntie Keiko and Uncle Kin into the idea of preparing all the food themselves. Uncle Kin is a fabulous cook, and as you know, for me to have that opinion of someone is extremely high praise.

After tasting this evening's desserts, I was ready to bestow that compliment on Fox, too. I usually don't eat desserts, but Victor said I should at least try the strawberry cake. He offered me a bite of his, and that was enough for me to decide that I wanted a whole slice. It was a small slice, but I ate it all by myself, and I regret nothing.

From what I observed at dinner, not only is Fox an amazing baker, he's a polite, funny and intelligent guy, and he's very friendly, even if a little socially awkward. Also, it may just be my bias toward western men, but I think he's exceptionally pretty. Not as gorgeous as my Victor, but still.

Oh... and just so there's no confusion, I should mention that neither Taka nor Fox have actually referred to one another as boyfriends in front of any of us. I'm just reading into what I saw. I mean, the way he was looking at Taka this evening certainly seems to suggest that their feelings for each other are mutual. It's obviously more than just friendship, and I'm positive that it'll only be a matter of time before they actually do start calling each other boyfriends or partners, or something along those lines.

I really hope everything works out for Taka and Fox. Taka has had a lot of bad luck with relationships in the past and he deserves to have one go right for a change. Victor said he hopes they'll find their happily-ever-after, just like we have, and I agree. There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you have someone by your side who'll be there no matter what; someone who understands you and who you can truly say you're happy with, even when nothing else makes sense and the world around you is spinning out of control.